Andrew Santino: Home Field Advantage (2017) | Transcript

Comedian Andrew Santino performs his first Showtime stand-up comedy special at Vic Theatre in front of his hometown of Chicago.
Andrew Santino: Home Field Advantage (2017)

Hey, it’s Andrew Santino, and here I am in my hometown, Chicago, Illinois, where I’m shooting my stand-up comedy special, but before I do, I want to take you around my city, and I want to show you the gems that people don’t talk about, locals-only type of stuff. Hey, excuse me. Can I get a ride?


Okay. Fair enough. Chicago. Well, I have a meeting, and I don’t know you.

It’s fine. I get that.

Why should I even… You know, that’s an odd question to ask. You’re right. Now that I think about it… In the city here, with all the crime and everything, – just hop in and get a ride?

You’re right. Best city in the world, baby… Chicago. Boom, a local spot… Willis Tower, on the corner, of course, of Jackson and Wacker. Now, Jackson and Wacker is famous ’cause of Andrew Jackson and because people used to get whacked. Right below me, the Chicago Pond, a beautiful piece of water. People swim in here. Olympics train in this thing. Jordan actually was inside the mold when they molded him. They cracked it, pulled him out, reassembled it. Boom. Here we are at The Wiener’s Circle, bro… The best hot dog in Chicago. And they treat me like I’m from here. Come on in. Hey, let me get a hot dog, ladies.

How do you want it?

You know how I want it, man. What, up your ass or down your fucking throat? Come on, order correctly, pussy lips. Let’s get it together. Before I continue this tour, I’m gonna get a drink. Ah, double fisting. Chi Town is a drinking city. Everybody knows that. Ah, beers for the crew, beers for the crew, beers for the crew. Cheers, you guys. Cheers. Okay, we had more planned. We’re never gonna get to it. You want to know more about Chicago, Google it, okay? Enjoy the special. Cheers. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to my grandson… Andrew Santino. We did it. We did it. Yes. Chicago, Illinois, my hometown, how are you? Yes. Crazy. That’s my grandmother, man. Yeah, that’s the best thing in the world. My grandmother brought me up. Give it up for Mary Garrity, man. Cheers. Cheers to you guys. Cheers. My grandfather, who passed away, used to say… A waitress would bring him water, and he would say, ‘What is that?’ And she’d say, ‘It’s water.’ And he said, ‘I’m thirsty, not dirty, so get me a drink.’ So cheers to my grandpa. Here we are, Chi Town. We did it. We came a long way. We’re here. I’m so happy to be back in this city. I’m back home. It’s amazing. I’m feeling the vibe again. You know what I mean? I took a walk around the lake. I was listening to conversations, two guys arguing, yelling at each other with that thick Chicago accent. You know, that… Ah, Chicago. It’s Chicago. ‘A’ s are ahs. Chi-cah-go. And Ts are Ds. Over dere in Chi-cah-go. You know that? ‘A’s, ahs, T, Ds, everyone’s racist. It’s such a good city. What a city. I heard two men fighting. Two men were in an argument, in just a verbal argument, not anything bigger than that, just arguing, and the one guy goes, ‘You know what? Why don’t you suck my dick?’ And the other guy goes, ‘Pfft! You suck my dick.’ And I was like, ‘Hey, suck each other’s dicks, man.’ That would’ve been a fight to see, huh? Comes up like, ‘You motherfucker.’ Finish him. Finish him.

We got to stop saying it like that. Guys have to stop saying it like that ’cause girls are gonna start believing it. It has a negative connotation when you say that. You go, ‘Suck my dick.’ We say it negative. Suck my dick. You say it like it’s a bad thing. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We should say it nice. You should go, ‘Hey! ‘Suck my dick, please, if you have time. ‘If you don’t, it’s not a big deal. I would love it a lot.’

I’m proud of being from this town. I love this town. I miss it a lot. It’s where my family is from. My family’s still here. It’s great to come home, see my parents. They’re getting older, which is weird. That’s a hard thing, to see your parents get older… Like, honest older, You know when your parents just say shit that when you were a kid, you were like, ‘Oh, you never used to say shit like that when I was a kid.’ Like, my mom was like, ‘Well, I’m gonna leave the house. What are you gonna do for the weekend?’ And my dad was watching TV, and he turns, and he goes, ‘Eat steak, watch porn.’ I applaud the honesty out of that guy, really sharp. I appreciate that. Tell her the truth, man. They’re getting older. You know what I mean? They get older, but I love that about these people. They’re fantastic. They raised me. I mean, did they raise me correctly? I don’t know. Maybe not. I grew up here in downtown Chicago for half of my life in Chicago. In the second half, we moved to the western suburbs, right? We moved to the suburbs ’cause my sister was born, and my parents were like, ‘I’ m not gonna fuck up two of them. ‘We can’t do that. One’s good. We’ll fuck up one. That’s okay.’ We moved to the western suburbs, you know, to try to better the life of all of us, but, like, I still realize sometimes how, like, my mom used to fuck with us subtly. Like, my mom is crazy. She’s a crazy person in the best way, but she would, like, lay it in real slow. Like, my parents were somewhat religious, right? You know, I mean, Irish Catholic kind of. You know what I mean? Like, somewhat in, you know what I mean? They’re, like, in the hot tub maybe. But she used to do this thing. She used to make me say, every single night before I went to bed, ‘Now I lay me down to sleep.’ Do you know that? Does anybody know that? I used to have to say this. I used to have to repeat this. I ‘d say,’ Now I lay me down to sleep. ‘I pray the Lord my soul to keep, ‘and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.’ I would say that before bed, which is a really fucked-up thing… for a child to say out loud. If I die before I wake up? I’m six. I’m gonna die in the middle of the night, and God’s gonna leave my body, take my soul, but be like, ‘Body’ s good. Leave the body. It’s fine. Leave it.’ What’s going on?

Crazy person. I love her. She’s the best in the world. I had Irish Catholic guilt. I had so much Irish Catholic guilt when I was a kid, I used to flip a coin to determine whether or not I was gonna masturbate that day. You think I’m kidding? I would take a quarter. I would go, ‘Heads, yes, tails, no.’ I’d flip it, I’d get tails, and I’d go, ‘Ah, best two out of three. We got to go again. Let ‘s see what happens.’ He didn’t beat me, never won. That’s how heavy my guilt was. Seriously, that’s how, like, in my head I was about that God-is-watching-you type of stuff. Like, my mother used to let us not lock the doors. She was against it. She was like, ‘You don’ t lock the doors inside of the house. ‘If you’ re locking the doors inside of the house, it means you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.’ Yeah, that’s why we lock the doors. Don’t come in here. I’m pulling on my body. Get out of here. Leave me alone, lady. That’s how I realized the guy that invented locks inside of a house must’ve been caught masturbating by his wife one too many times. He was sick of it. He was sick of it. He’s like, ‘You know what? That’s it. I’m gonna put locks inside the house.’ She ‘s like,’ Michael, what are you doing? ‘We have locks on the outside of the house ‘to keep criminals from coming inside. There’s no criminals inside of this house.’ Yes, there are, Karen, and they’re robbing me of my freedom. Let me pull on my body in peace. Leave me alone, Karen.

Anyway, I love being from this city, and now I live in Los Angeles, California. I live on the other side of this great country. I like it out there. It’s okay. It’s a second home for me. It takes some getting used to. It’s a little bit difficult, but the big difference is, like, when I come back home, you know, like, all my mom wants to do is talk about, like, the weather. Like, that’s a big thing. My mom is like, ‘How is the weather in California? Is it nice like this?’ It’s like, ‘Yeah, it’s better than this. That’s why I’m out there. What are you talking about?’ It’s always better. It’s always better. It is. There’s a lot of stuff that isn’t better, but the weather’s always gonna be better, and she loves bringing up the ‘feels like’ meter. You know what that is? The news guy. The news guy’s like, ‘It’s 62. Feels like 68.’ That’s Midwest hope. That’s hope circulating in your body. It’s the greatest lie ever told. Who’s the ‘feels like’ guy? I want that job. If that’s a job, I want it tonight. I’ll drop this bullshit gig and go do that tonight. The ‘feels like’ guy… Greatest gig ever. Here in the studio, it’s 62 on the barometer. We’re gonna go live to Andrew Santino. Andrew, what does it feel like? How’s it going, news team? Like 67. Right back to you guys. Back to you guys, man.

It’s nice, really nice out. It’s crazy, man, ’cause the weather here fluctuates so much. Like, when I come back, you’re never surprised. Like, you’re never surprised by anything in Chicago, but, like, who I feel bad for when I come back is the homeless people. I always feel bad for homeless here, man. Like, I don’t feel bad for homeless people in L.A. People can get mad at me for saying that. I don’t give a shit. They’re awful human beings, these L.A. homeless people. They’re terrible. They’re terrible people.

I feel bad for Chicago homeless, right? Because they die in the winter, and they die in the summer. They’re never not dying. They’re always dying. There’s, like, a week when it’s like, ‘We might make it,’ and that’s it, and they bucket-drum their way through that week. Soldiers, man. So I feel bad for homeless people in Chicago, from my heart, ’cause this is my home. So, when I come home, I give money. I gave money today to a homeless guy. I’m not lying. I gave money to a homeless guy ’cause I feel bad for him. I know what he’s got to go through. I gave that money to that guy, right? And I’ll always do that, but I also want to look him in the eye and go, ‘Hey, start walking south. You have nothing to do tomorrow. What are you doing here? You have something on your calendar? You don ‘t have a calendar.’ You can air-fistfight dragons all over this great country. I’m sure there’s half-smoked cigarettes strewn across this great land. I mean, the wind is their therapist. That’s all over the place. They can move about, man. You know the birds? You know those things? You know those guys? When they leave, follow those guys. Birds are born instinctively knowing, when it gets cold, to be like, ‘Oh, let’ s get the fuck out of here. ‘It’ s cold. Let’s leave. This is ridiculous. Why are we here? This is ridiculous.’ But I don’t feel bad for homeless people in Los Angeles at all… I really don’t. I don’t. I don’t feel bad for them. Some people are like, ‘Oh, that’s kind of mean.’ I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit, ’cause I live amongst these people, and they’re rude. They’re rude. You know why they’re rude? ‘Cause they made it. They’re at the promised land. It’s 72 degrees outside. You know what it is inside my place? Seventy-two. Who pays for that? I do. Fuck those guys. They won the lottery. They sleep on the beach.

I came out of a restaurant, right? I came out of a restaurant. When I first moved there, I had no money. I had zero money. Came out of a restaurant, had some leftovers, went up to a homeless guy, said, ‘Hey, sir, I got some leftovers. Would you like this?’ Okay? I’m on a date, in front of a lady. Would you like this, sir? And the homeless guy looks up at me, and he says, ‘What’s in it?’ And I looked at him, and I said, ‘Tomorrow.’ Another day on this earth. What are you, gluten-free? Eat the food. You’re cock-blocking me, man. I’m trying to smash a five. Help me out. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Times are tough. Who are you?

But I like it. It’s my second home. This is my first home. L.A.’s my second home, and I do like it. There is things about it that I like. I live now in Los Angeles in a neighborhood called West Hollywood. West Hollywood is a gay neighborhood. It’s kind of like up here. It’s like where we are right now, Boystown. I like the gay neighborhood. The gay neighborhood is the best neighborhood. I’ve ever lived in in my life. It’s safe. It’s beautiful. I love it. I love it. You get in where you fit in, and I fit into that neighborhood, okay? I’m not gay, Dad, but… I’m down to live around gay people. They keep it clean and safe. I’ve never been attacked once in my neighborhood, and by the way, if I did get attacked, I would love to be attacked. What a beautiful way to walk home. A guy leaps out of a bush. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where? Where? Gives me outfit tips. They can fly, you know. I have a lot of gay friends because of that.

They’re people just like you and me. There’s nothing different. There’s nothing different about that neighborhood. It’s cleaner and safer, and I fucking love it. The only difference is, I got a big beard. I’ve had big beard. I got to keep a big beard for a while. And that’s okay. Gay guys love guys with beards. Why? I don’t know. It’s a thing. It’s an underbelly thing. It’s on the Internet. Look it up. And I often get hit on. I get hit on a lot, okay? I get hit on way more in the gay community than in the straight community, and I’m okay with that. It’s a confidence booster, fellas. It feels nice. But I’ve lived in a gay neighborhood for so long that now I’m picky about what gay guy hits on me. A gay guy hollers at me, and I’m like, ‘All right, you couldn’t handle it, dude. ‘You couldn’ t handle it. Too tight, too tight. ‘Keep walking, man. Pinch it right off. Get up out of here, man.’ Couldn’t have it.

That’s some true shit. You got to be careful of social cues. Social cues mean a lot, right? And guys are stupid. Men are stupid. We’re stupid people by nature. We’re just dumb. We don’t give a shit, by the way, when girls are like, ‘Men are dumb.’ I don’t care. You think I care you think I’m dumb? I don’t give a shit. I know I’m dumb. It feels really good. Try going out your day without talking about a relationship. That’s what you guys do all day. It’s like, ‘I heard he was with her, but then she was’… And we just walk around like… It’s great. It’s fantastic. I don’t worry about shit. It makes my day so much easier, but guys are idiots, and I’m proud to be an idiot. But social cues amongst men are interesting because you got to be careful what you do in my neighborhood, right? Like, in my neighborhood, it’s a little bit different, ’cause when I walk down the street and I see another guy, right, I do this thing. If I see you, and I walk down the street, right, we pass each other, and I go like this, what do you do? If I go like… Yeah, you dude me right back, right. You dude me right back. He dudes me. We dude it. Hey, dude it. We dude it. Do we know why we dude? No. Zero clue. We walk around like pigeons all day like, ‘Hey, hey.’ We don’t give a shit. I do it to black guys to show them that I’m not a pussy. I go, ‘Hey, what’ s up? We good, we good? ‘We’re good. I’m good with the black guy. ‘In case a fight breaks out, we got a black guy. ‘We’ re good. We got one. We’re good, we’re good. We got him.’ I have no idea why we do that. We share genitalia. There’s no other reason that we do that to one another. But you can’t do that in my neighborhood ’cause it means something totally different… and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I like living there. I do like it. I really do. Like, I like living in Los Angeles. I like progressive culture, okay? I really do. I like the way that people think about other people as humans instead of a subset, right? This country got all up in arms. Everybody voted to make bathrooms gender-neutral. I don’t know if you know about that, but there was a big debate going on around this country about should we make bathrooms gender… Should we be able to let other people use bathrooms that didn’t initially have that genitalia, right? People that are transsexual. Should we let them use our bathrooms? Ooh, careful. Who knows what could happen? What could happen? Nothing. They’re gonna shit in your bathroom that you shit in. You think your bathroom’s that important, where you let go of all your fluids. You care that much about your fluids that you care who comes after. When I go in there, I ‘m like,’ Aah! ‘There better be someone else decent that comes in after me. ‘I don’ t want some transsexual coming in after that. Who knows what they ‘ll do?’ Who do you think you are?

It was a big debate, gender-neutral bathrooms. And I’m all for it. Bathrooms are bathrooms. I don’t give a shit who uses my bathroom after me. Use it. You got to go, go ahead. Use the bathroom, man. It’s a good thing. For years, I was sick and tired of going to a bar and seeing girls cut the bathroom line when theirs are too long. They walk to the guys, and they go, ‘Hi, our line’ s too long. ‘Do you think me… Can we cut? Is this chill if we cut?’ I know that’s a stereotypical impression. I don’t give a shit. That’s real. ‘Can we cut?’ That’s real. And every asshole in line is like, ‘Yeah, go ahead.’ Also real, also real, also a real impression of us. You go like that. We go like that. Okay? So guys let them in, and I’m tired of that shit, ’cause we can’t use your bathrooms. Guys can’t use girls’ bathrooms at bars. You can use ours. Why can’t we use yours? The only thing I ever hear is, ‘Well, you pee on the seat.’ Do we? I don’t. I don’t pee on the seat. If you live with someone that pees on the seat, it’s ’cause they hate your fucking guts. They’re sending you a message. Oh, no, you get the groceries, Karen, you fucking bitch. Fucking asshole. He’s saying something to you. That’s between you two. What do you think? You think we walk in the bathroom, we just open it up, and let it go, and it’s, like, wherever it goes, it goes. I know where it goes. I got a laser pointer. I know precisely where it goes. Pff, right there. Pee on the seat. That’s amazing. It’s ridiculous.

To me, I think the fix has always been remove the stalls from men’s bathrooms in bars. Remove them. Urinals or just holes in the ground, it doesn’t really matter. Guys will pee into anything. We don’t really give a shit. But get the stalls out of men’s bathrooms in bars because they shouldn’t be there in the first place, okay? They should never have been there, ’cause a girl can’t walk in now and use a urinal. Unless you can, ladies, and then I want to see it. If you can tippy-toe pee, I would love to see it. I don’t know if it’s this way or that way. I don’t know which way is better, but if you can do that, I want to check it out. But there shouldn’t be stalls in men’s bathrooms in bars in the first place, because who the fuck is pooping at the bar? You’re gonna poop at the bar? You’re gonna poop here? Steve, you’re gonna poop at the bar. The bar that we’re at, you’re gonna poop at this bar? You feel okay with that as a person, pooping at the bar? Okay, now I know who you really are. Pooping at the… Who are your friends? Who’s your family? Go home, you animal. What are you, you pig person? Poop at the bar? Are you out of your mind? You’re gross. You’re a gross human. You don’t poop at the bar. You man up if you have to poop. You man up if you have to poop. You finish your drink, pinch it off, and you walk home, so you can poop at the house naked like a grown-up… like a full-grown adult. If you’re pooping at the bar that I’m at and I see you doing that, I’m gonna walk in, look under, walk out, and go, ‘Hey, there’ s a guy pooping here ‘wearing blue Adidas. Blue Adidas, yeah. He ‘s pooping right now.’ And then leave you with your mistake. Why is everybody looking at my shoes? ‘Cause you pooped here, Mike. What’s wrong with you? Get your life locked up, pig. Go home, you pig. Say that next time you see someone pooping in a bathroom. Walk in and go, ‘Go home, you pig. You make me sick.’

Unbelievable, man, how we prote… We protect the bathrooms like they’re a big deal. Who gives a shit about the bathrooms? Dude, go to the bathroom. We protect bathrooms in this country like it’s something important. It’s remarkable to me. Sometimes you go to a restaurant, and you’re like, ‘Hey, can I get the key to the bathroom? It’s locked.’ They’re like, ‘Oh, yeah, we got the key. Here you go.’ It’s attached to a comically large ladle for no reason. You got a spoon on the goddamn thing. Now you got to take that in there, find a place for it. It’s gonna be a nightmare. Go ahead. You’re gonna hate every second of that. Why do we do that? We lock them. You keep the bathroom under lock and key? You realize in every restaurant, every restaurant you can walk right in, go right into the kitchen? There’s no locks on a kitchen. Just walk in and go, ‘Hey, what’s up, you guys?’ Dunk your hand in some soup. More salt. Needs more salt. I got to go. I want to use the bathroom. You got the key? No. Get real.

It’s a weird country, man. We live in a weird country. We live in a weird time. I didn’t want to talk about anything that’s going on right now, but because I got a lot of time, it’s the late show, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. So let me say this. I’m proud to be from where I’m from, okay? I’m proud to be from Chicago, Illinois. I’m proud to be from the United States of America. I’m not trying to get on a patriotic kick. All I want to say is, we got some fucked-up things going on in our country. Times are really crazy. It’s unfortunate as fuck. It’s awful. People on both sides are blaming people on both sides, okay? I have cops that are in my family. Every cop is not a bad fucking person, and every person isn’t a bad person, right? These are the same fucking things. So don’t point fingers at either side. We need to be better people in general, across the fucking board. That’s it. That’s it. Good.

I’m a… I’m a guy who recently, thankfully, found a woman who was dumb enough to stick around. Stupid girl, stupid girl. ‘Cause look at this, you know. Like, look at guys. You’re gross. Why would they even go for us? Why would a woman want to do stuff with you? You’re gross. You’re disgusting. Look at a naked woman. Take one look at a naked woman, right? Beautiful, symmetrical, hairless. What a creature. Whatever made it finely crafted it like a Ferrari, you know? Took time with it. And then they got to the guy, and they were like, ‘Ah, we ran out of time. ‘No, put the genitals on the outside. ‘It doesn’ t matter. ‘No one’ s gonna see. Who cares? ‘Hair? Throw some hair on it. Fine, throw some hair on it.’ It’s phenomenal. Every day we’ve fooled you. Like, we should wake up, guys, and just be like, ‘Ah, tricked them. ‘We tricked them again. We got away with murder.’ I don’t know how we ever convinced you to do anything in the first place. Kiss me where I pee? Kiss me where I pee? How? How? How? You know that place that you breathe and eat from? May I stuff my dick in there? Can I clog up your source of life with some flesh? Life, the life hole, can I just… Cork it? I want to cork it. I want to cork your life hole with my body. How on earth did you say yes? Cork it?

It’s a remarkable thing, when you think about it. Like, how did we ever even start the sexual chemistry to even get to that level of doing stuff? Here you go. A guy can go to a bar. A single guy goes to a bar trying to pick up chicks. He can go out there and mumble around. I want to put my body in your body. That’s all he’s saying. Baseline level, I want to put my body in your body. Can we do that? You sound debonair at the bar. You ‘re like,’ Well, well, I work for an investment firm downtown.’ But what you’re really saying is, like, ‘I want to put my body in your body. I’d like to put my body inside of your body.’ That’s all it is. You’re not that cool. You’re just trying to put some of your body in someone’s body. You got a gap. I got a wedge. Can we do the thing when I put the thing in the thing? That’s it. Think about that… That’s a hard thing to do, to go out to a bar and convince a girl I’m the guy that you want to do things with.

Think about how hard it was for us to start that. How did we start that? How did a caveman ever get to that point with a cave woman? How did a caveman say that when there was no language, no communication skills? First of all, when you were a caveman, you just stood around with your buddies, mumbling. That’s it. There’s really nothing going on, just a lot of… Then one of you, out of nowhere, would just get an erection. Explain that to the crew. All your buddies are mad. Hey! They don’t like it pointing at them. You got to be a nonverbal dick salesman, going up to women like… What are you selling? She doesn’t know. You can’t say it. Who said yes? The slowest girl in the pack… on a bad leg she was lugging around. Okay, okay. Okay. How did that happen? The guy that convinced a girl to do that for the first time invented fire and the wheel that afternoon.

It was like…

Everything clicked. I got it. Everything made sense. I would’ve loved to see the first caveman to discover pulling out. That would’ve been amazing. Right? The first guy that’s like… That’s how all that shit on the wall got started. They were like… What, do you think that was ink? That was no ink. It’s jizz symbols. How great is that fucking thing? My buddy’s an artist, and I was like, ‘I want a fucking papa bear ‘with a cubby bear with a Blackhawks headdress, ‘and I want him wearing Jordans for the Bulls ‘and white socks, and I want him eating deep dish and drinking a beer.’ And my buddy smoked enough pot as I did, and he came up with this. So it was fucking pretty amazing.

The Chicago flag, yeah. Cool. It’s cool. We got a lot of pride in this town, so we should. You know what I mean? You can’t fuck with us. Come fuck with us. Where’s my crane camera? Come fuck with us, rest of the United States. Where the fuck are you guys at? Come to Chicago. Rip your fucking throats out. I’m gonna get murdered on the road in Cincinnati in, like, three months. Shit. No, I got a lady. I got a lady this year. I got locked up. I got married this year, which was great. It was a great thing. Don’t clap for that. Please don’t clap for that shit ’cause it eggs her on, and I don’t need that.

No, I got married, and it was great. It was very fun. We had a good time. Yeah, it was fun. Thanks a lot. Cool. It was cool, it was cool. She came up to me at the jump, and she was like, she ‘s like,’ What do you think about doing, like, bachelor, bachelorette parties, like, all that stuff?’ We didn’t talk about, like, really any of that stuff. We really kind of didn’t really get into the nitty-gritty, and I was like, ‘Well, whatever you want to do.’ She was like, ‘Do you want to have a bachelor party?’ And I was like, ‘I don’ t know. ‘Like, I do stand-up for a living, ‘so, like, it’ s just always kind of a fucking bachelor party. My life is kind of a bachelor party.’ I was like, ‘No, I’m good.’ You know what I mean? Like, I just took my best friend for his bachelor party, and I was like, ‘That’s good enough for me.’ I was like, ‘You can do a bachelorette party. Don ‘t feel like you can’t.’ She was like, ‘Are you cool with it?’ I was like, ‘I promise. I’m totally cool with it. Whatever you want to do, you ‘re good. Do it.’ She was like, ‘Okay, trust me. It ‘ll be classy.’ That’s some dumb shit. Girls are like, ‘It’ s gonna be classy. ‘The bachelorette party… It’s gonna be cla… I promise. We won’t be as crazy as you think we’re gonna be.’ She was like, ‘We’ re going to Northern California ‘to a vineyard. We ‘re gonna do wine tasting.’ So in girls’ brains, they think that we think that that’s nice and sweet, but I know the truth. I know they’re not wine tasting. I know they’re blacking out on wine. I know they’re getting purple toothed out, Charlie Chaplain-ing around town like… I know. I know what you’re doing, looking like Grimace. I know. I know. Lie to me, you drunks… trying to pretend like… We pretend like wine is so sophisticated. It’s still booze. Stinky-foot grapes, that’s all it is. Go on a vineyard tour with her girlfriends.

See, ’cause here’s the thing about bachelorette parties. I’m sure every girl in this room is a wonderful human being. I’m sure you’re all stand-up citizens until you get in a bachelorette party, and then you’re a piece of shit. Then you’re a piece of shit. Then you storm around town like, ‘Look at us, penises everywhere. ‘Penises on our body. ‘Penis necklace. These are dick-laces. ‘These are dick necklaces. This is a dick hat. ‘These are dick glasses. They’re dick shoes. ‘Look at it. It comes. This one comes. ‘It comes out of that shoe. When I go like that, it comes.’ What’s wrong with you? Who are your parents? Shame on you, these women who walk around town doing that shit. It’s unbelievable… Bachelorette parties that take over every bar they go to, screaming. These bitches work in HR during the day, but at night… they’re just like, ‘Penis, penis, penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis.’ Who are your parents? Shame on you. You realize some little kid in China has to make those penis molds? Some little kid in China is pressing penises, penis sunglasses, so you can go out like, ‘Cocks, cocks on my head.’ You psycho.

That’s where guys beat you. That’s, like, the one spot we beat you. We may be dumber than you, but we beat you there. We beat you by a landslide, because I have never been to a bachelor party where they’re like, ‘Santino, you ready to go? Put on your pussy costume. Let ‘s go.’ I put one on like… ‘Come on, let’ s go. ‘Get mine wet. Steve, get mine wet. ‘Get it wet. Get the clit wet. ‘Go. Get it wet. This is what we want.’ ‘Vaginer.’ We beat you. So we went and got married out of the country. We went to Costa Rica. We went down to Costa Rica. It was great. Central America, beautiful place. Costa Rica is amazing. We loved it. It was fantastic. I didn’t know that racism is everywhere. I had no idea, but it is, but it really fucking is. Here we are in our hotel, two men are in a fight with one man, two guys on one, two on one, working this dude, and I look out the window, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, what happened?’ To the local guy. And the local guy, who we know, who we’re buddies with, is like, ‘Oh, yeah, the fight?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, what happened?’ I’m ready for the story. And he ‘s like,’ Okay, you see this guy on the ground? ‘You see him on the ground, ‘this guy who they kick in the face? ‘You see him? ‘You know, this guy on the ground they kick in the teeth. You see him?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, what is that?’ And he goes, ‘Oh, yeah, this guy, this guy on the ground, he ‘s from Panama.’ What? ‘He’ s from Panama. Panama, the country. Panama.’ That’s it? That was as deep as the well got dug. ‘He’s from Panama.’ That’s it. I was like, ‘But how did the fight… Like, how did you… How did the fight happen?’ He goes, ‘Oh, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí. ‘Okay, so this guy on the ground, ‘he cut off this guy in traffic, ‘and he says to him, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Hey, man, fuck you.’ ‘So this guy, he gets out of his car, ‘and he says, ‘Mm-mm, fuck you.’ ‘So then they yell at each other. ‘So this guy say fuck you. ‘This guy, fuck you. This guy, fuck… So both of these guys are fucking you right now.’ I was like, ‘No one’ s fucking me. What are you talking about?’ ‘And then his friend, he hear him from across the street, ‘and his friend, he says, ‘Hey, what happened?’ ‘He says, ‘He said, fuck you.’ ‘He says,’ Ah, fuck you.’ ‘He says, ‘Fuck you.’ He says. ‘Fuck you.’ He fuck… these guys over here are fucking you.’ ‘And the one guy, he says to him… ‘Before he fight with him, he says, ”Hey, motherfucker, where are you from?’ ‘And this guy, he says, ‘Panama.’ ‘And, uh… That ‘s it for him.’ Other than that, it was a beautiful country, man. It was gorgeous, man. We did so much white-people shit. It was unbelievable. You know what white-people shit is. Everybody in here knows it, right? It’s, like… We went zip-lining. It’s, like, white-water rafting, all that white-people… White-water rafting is white-people shit. It’s called white-water rafting. It’s ours. That’s some white-people shit. You’ll never, ever see a black guy white-water rafting, skydiving, drinking coffee. That’s just not what they do. It’s not what they do. Skydiving, all that shit. Black guy, do you go skydiving? Never in your fucking life, man. No way. Never in your life. Rock climbing?

No way.

White-water rafting?


None of the above. Do you even like coffee?

I do like coffee.

Oh, come on, man. What did he say?

I like it black.

You like it black. I get that. I get that. You can have that. Take it black. Take it black. So he knows what I’m talking about. He knows. I went to college with… One of my closest friends in college was this dude we lived with, and he would always make fun of me. He ‘s like,’ You’re doing some white-people shit, Red. You on some white-people shit right now.’ I was like, ‘I’m taking out the trash.’ He’s like… ‘That’s the type of shit I’m talking about, motherfucker. ‘Just throw that shit outside, bitch. ‘White-people shit! ‘What you doing, dishes, motherfucker? You white-ass motherfucker.’ What you doing, laundry, you Charmin-ass motherfucker? You Charmin’…

I did so much white-people shit in Costa Rica. It was bananas. I loved it, though. I love being a tourist. Like, that’s the fucked-up thing about Americans. We don’t want to be tourists. Why not? Why are we so afraid of being tourists? I’ll do that zip-line dork-ass shit. Give me the helmet. I love that. How much is the picture? $1,000? I don’t give a shit. I’ll pay for that, plan for it. Come on, man. Give me that dork tourist shit. We’re so afraid as Americans to be tourists. Yet for some reason, tourists come here. They’re not afraid to be tourists. You can go to Michigan Avenue right now. There’s a cute little Italian couple that’s like, ‘Mi scusi, mi scusi, mi scusi. The water tower, the water tower.’ And you ‘re like,’ Ah, come here. Let me lie to you. Come here, come here, come here.’ Let them be tourists, man. Be a tourist. Be a tourist. All I’m saying is, stop being such a liar. Be who you really are. You’re out of the country. Be out of the country, man. There’s nothing wrong with that, you know. Here’s why. Every time I’ve ever been to a Spanish-speaking country, there’s always one guy in the crew, one dude who’s like, ‘Hey, I got us. I can take us around. ‘I speak a little bit of Mexican. ‘We’ re gonna be good. We ‘ll be good.’ You speak Mexican, Brad? I speak Mexican, dog. I got us. Don’t sweat it, man. I took 101 in high school. We’re gonna be straight. And you’re like, ‘All right, man. I can’t wait.’ You walk into a restaurant. I say the truth. I walk in, I go, ‘Hello, American, americano, ‘American, ready to be ripped off. Look at me.’ ‘Cause I don’t give a shit. How much is that Coke? Seven? Thought it was ten. You can’t fuck me. You can’t fuck me. I planned for that. You cannot fuck me. But he walks in. Brad walks in, talking Mexican like, ‘Hola, seniors. Hola, seniors.’ He thinks he’s the shit. Brad walks in heavy, and the staff looks at him like, ‘Okay, okay, okay, okay. ¿Habla español, señor? ¿Habla español? ¿Habla español?’ Sí, sí, sen-yours. Sí, sí, sen-yours. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. Ha-blah a-spaniel. And they ‘re all like,’ Okay. ‘Hmm. Good, good, good. That’s good, good. That’s good.’ And they just machine-gun Spanish at his fucking head until you see him go, ‘Oh, fuck. ‘There’s no bibliotecain there. Where’s the ban-yo? I don’t know any of those words.’ Brad looks like an asshole. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying my plate of rice and ‘polo,’ having a great time… enjoying my life.

I came back from Costa Rica. It was fantastic, and then we got into that, like, all the marriage discussion shit. She was like, ‘What do you want to do about the last name?’ I was like, ‘I don’ t know. I mean, I don’t really care. I don’t think I really care.’ I was like, ‘I mean, what do you want to do?’ She’s like, ‘Well, do you want me to take your last name?’ And there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘No, man, it’s cool.’ Then there’s a part of you that’s like, ‘Yeah, you got to take the last name.’ It’s some male-ego bullshit, but that’s the truth of the situation. Like, it doesn’t really mean much. Like, what are last names anyway? I don’t really know. We don’t really know, you know. Last names… you used to give to somebody ’cause it represented land, right? You had some land. You get some land to give. Like, ‘This will all be yours one day.’ That doesn’t mean shit nowadays. I can’t be like, ‘Son, this condominium will be yours when I die.’ Who gives a shit, right? There’s not much to it. You know, it really doesn’t mean much.

But it’s strange when I think about, like, white people’s last names, like, where our last names came from. A lot of times, it used to be your occupation, right? Like, I meet a guy… Kevin Blacksmith. His great-great-great-great- grandfather was a blacksmith. Dave Shoemaker, his great-great-great-great- grandfather was a shoemaker. But it’s weird when you meet a white guy named Eric Lynch… ‘Cause you’re like, ‘Your great-great-great-great- grandfather was a bad person.’ Switch it up, dog.

But last names are kind of bullshit. You know know what I mean? They mean whatever they want and whatever you want them to mean, and so she said, ‘What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘How about we just go with whosever last name is cooler?’ Right, whosever’s is cooler. She was like, ‘Cooler?’ I was like, ‘Yeah,’ ’cause in my head, I knew it was already game over. I was like, ‘Jordan, buckets.’ I knew it was over. I knew it was over. She wasn’t fucking with Santino. What a cool-ass name, Santino. Three syllables… San, unh, ti, got you, oh. That’s what’s up. I had it. It was in the bag, man. It was in the bag. It was game over. Jordan. It was game over, but then she was like, ‘Oh, you think your last name is that much cooler?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ Her last name was Eichelberger. You want me to say it again? Eichelberger. And she’s like, ‘What’s wrong with that?’ I was like, ‘What’ s right with that shit? What are you talking about, lady?’ She’s like, ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’ I said, ‘Well, it’s like part of the Third Reich.’ I’ll have to walk into restaurants, like… ‘We’ re here for the Eichelberger party, ‘the party of two. ‘There is two of us at the party. ‘We would like the table in the back of the room. ‘In the back of the room, ‘behind the air-conditioning, please. Thank you.’ Anyway, she’s a Santino now. Yeah.

We got into a thing, ’cause I was… I feel like I’m watching too much porn lately, if I’m just being real with you guys. We’re getting real. It’s a late-night show. I was watching too much porn. Porn is bad. It’s a bad thing. It’s really addictive. It is. It truly is. I think it’s not my fault, though. I think it’s access… access, too much access. In your pockets, there’s a phone, right? In there is all the porno… All of it… all of it that we make. All of it that we make, you guys. If I had three seconds inside of a time machine, I would ‘zorb’ myself to when I was 14, for three seconds, and just go… ‘In the future, all the porno’s in your pocket,’. And get out… and blow my mind. Just… semen everywhere. Oh, my God. I’m waiting for this JPEG to load. Come on, man. That’s crazy. That is crazy to think about. It really is too much access. Like, I can’t walk past a laptop without being like… ‘Ah, this is Best Buy. I got to go.’ The Blue Shirts, they don’t like that. You know what I mean? They get weird. We’ve seen so much of it. The problem is… With porn is, it’s got this stigma where we think we can emulate that stuff. Like, you think you’re like them. You’re not like them. Those are pros, man. Those are pros. I got envy. I have envy, envy. The way that these men throw a rope is remarkable. They just… It takes off. It’s got loft. Are you kidding me? I’m lucky if mine comes out. It’s like a pensive army. It gets to the surface, and it ‘s like,’ No, no. Go back, go back.’ And when it does come out, it’s late for the party. It has nonalcoholic beer. It’s like, ‘Sorry. We’re here.’ My wife… one night she was like, ‘Oh, come on my tits.’ I was like, ‘Oh, I’ll never make it up there.’ It’s so far. It’s too far. Maybe your belly button, max… if I really put in the work.

I’ll tell you what I’ve been watching a lot of. I’ve been watching a lot of black porn, lots of black porn. Blackblack. Too. Like, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Deep chocolate, 99% cacao chocolate. Sexy. No milk. Get out of here, milk chocolate. No time for you. Chocolate, chocolate. I love watching black porn, love watch… For one fundamental reason. The guys get to wear shoes… on their feet. Men wear shoes on their feet. If you know anything about how shoes and pants work, anything at all, you know that these men took off their shoes, took off their pants and underwear, and then put back on their shoes. Come on. You did it again, black people. Numero uno. I got the envy, man. It’s a bad thing. It really is. It’s a bad thing.

We need to clean up our minds, clean up our life. You know what I mean? Get clean, clean living. Eat a smoothie, take a walk. It’s difficult, man. It’s difficult to do. People always… like, listen, I try to work out. I’m trying to be in shape. I’m trying to do all that stuff. It’s a hard thing to do. You know, fast food, going to get fast food always reminds me of what it was like when I was single, going to a one-night stand. It was like the same thing, like the exact same feeling. You’ll be looking on Google Maps to try to find out if that fast-food joint’s open, right? You’re like, ‘You up, McDonald’s? You up?’ You send a late-night text, like, ‘What’ s up, girl? ‘You up? What’s up, McDonald’s? ‘You up? What’s up, Mac D’s? Is you up, playboy? Give me them nuggets.’ She’s like, ‘Uh-huh.’ McDonald’s is like, ‘You know it.’ You cruise over there, and on the way, you’re like, ‘Ooh, it’ s gonna be good. ‘I know what I get at this location. ‘This is my favorite spot to go to at this time of night. That number two is my spot right now.’ That’s a butt joke. You get over there, and you eat that. You devour that McDiesel’s. Just like that, you’re like… Devour it. And when you’re done, you get in the car and cruise home… Same feeling. Cruising home, and you’re like… ‘I’m a bad person, man.’ Sad. I had to cut that out. I had to cut it out, man. I’m trying to stay healthy. I’m trying to fit into my own skin. That’s really what it is. You know, I’m trying to feel good about myself. It’s a confidence thing about people. You want to feel confident and cocky, but, like, not too much. Like, I had my ego tested. I got into a car accident. A man hit me. A man hit me. I was at a red light. A man hit me, okay? Red light, skrrr, man, bmm-bmm-bmm, hit me, and I got out of my car. He got out of his car, and I went to say something. Before I could say anything, he goes, ‘Hey, what the fuck?’

And I said…

‘That’ s my line. ‘I say that. That’s me. ‘I’m doing… That’s what I do. You say, ‘I’m sorry,’ I feel like.’ He was a big-ass dude. He was big, jacked up, and he had tattoos up to his face? Question mark. You good, bro? On your face? You cashed out? You got cancer? What’s up? On your face? I feel like that’s some, like, ‘I don’t give a… ‘Whatever, bro. Go ahead. It’s done. ‘I don’ t give a shit. ‘I’ ve been collecting Marlboro miles for years. I ‘ll cash out.’ On your face? So I had no way to win this war. This dude was in my face. I had no… I was backed up. I was like, ‘Whatever, man.’ And in that moment, I was like, ‘I can’ t win this argument with this dude. I can ‘t beat him physically.’ But I was like, ‘If I had a superpower right now, ‘you know, it wouldn’ t be to, like, fly or be invisible. I would love to be able to throw acne on somebody.’ Right? He’s all, ‘Fuck you.’ I’m like, ‘Fuck me? Fuck you, man.’ No! Hit him all over the body, shoulder, bacne. Hit him with the bacne. Hit him with the kn-acne, that knee acne. Light him up, light him up. Scar him physically and emotionally, send him home like that for a couple of weeks, depending on the topical cream. Let it sit. Let it sit. If you’re not laughing at that, you didn’t have acne when you were a kid. I had really bad acne when I was a kid, man. It was so bad. It was so bad. Like, acne is, like, the sole reason I questioned God. I’m like, ‘What up, dude? What’s the deal? ‘Where are you at on this one, player? This is ridiculous.’ Here you are, 13, 14 years old. You’re the ugliest version of yourself. Look at photos of you at 14. TBT them on Instagram, and you’re like, ‘Ooh, tough-looking kid.’ You’re ugly, bro. You are ugly at 14.

Teenagers are so gross to look at, hard to see. They’re hard to see, bro. They’re skinny. Their voices are crackling. They’re wobbling all over like little skinny baby giraffes, just hungry and horny like… Nasty-looking crea… They look like Tim Burton cartoons. They’re barely alive. You are nasty as a child. And you’re telling me at this vulnerable point in your life, God is gonna be like, ‘You know what? ‘I’ m gonna put some red pus bumps on his face. Pus bump his face up.’ I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand it. I had it so bad. I had to go on Accutane. You used to have to sign a form that said. ‘I can die from this medication.’ What’s up, guys? What are we saying? I can die from this medi… I can die from this medication. And I was underage, so I had a legal guardian. So my mother had to sign it. I was 16. I’ll never forget. They slipped the sheet to my mother, and she looked at it, and then she looked at me. Yeah. Yeah, this is… it’s… it’s better than your face. It doesn’t really matter. You’re an ugly kid. You’re ugly. It’s… it’s for you. I had it so bad. I had acne so bad when I was young. When I was in high school, I played basketball for a couple years at my high school until I found out about drugs, and I was like, ‘See you later, basketball.’ Ah, true story.

But I played basketball for a little while. When I played basketball, I made the JV team pretty early on, and we played in a summer league, okay? In the summer league, you had to play all the other schools that you were going to play in that regular season, and I’ll never forget. We went out to West Aurora to go play these guys, and they were supposed to beat us. They were, like, a really good school, right? They were really good. They were an all-black school. We were a some-black school. They were gonna beat us. Bottom line, they were gonna win. And we went out there, and we beat the shit out of these guys. I had the game of my life. I dropped four points. I was on fire. If you know anything about high-school basketball, four points is like, whoa. What are you, MVP? Final score, 12-2. It was a blowout. I mean, we went out there. I had a great game. I was on cloud nine. I felt like a king. Then I left, and I went out to the hallway to go get a drink of water. I’m getting a drink of water, bending down by the water fountain to have a drink of water. A little black kid, like, eight years old walks in the hallway. Comes up to me and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy. White boy.’ I go, ‘What’s up?’ You’re pretty good, man. Oh, thanks, man. He goes, ‘For a white boy.’ And I was still like, ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’ I’ll take it. Then he goes, ‘All right, man.’ I go, ‘All right, man.’ He walks away. Felt good. Go down to get some more water. He gets to the doorway. He stops… real Forest Whitaker-style. He turns around and goes, ‘Hey, yo, white boy.’ I say, ‘What’s up, man? What up?’ He goes, ‘What the fuck is all over your face?’ That still hurts today. I’m in my 30s. That cut went all the way to the bone. You know what I mean? Then I walked up to him slowly, and I said, ‘Well, this is what happens when your dad sticks around.’ No, I didn’t say that. That’s a joke, man. No, I called him the N word. Then I got out of there as fast as I could. No, stop it. I cried on the bus, man. I cried on the bus. Got to have a sense of humor, man.

But I always loved black people. I always did. I really did. I still do. I still do love black people, man. I think they’re fantastic human beings. Black people always accepted me. Black people really did. White people never liked me. White people don’t like redheads for some reason. There’s this thing. White people see redheads, and they’re like, ‘What do we do with it?’ They don’t like us. They don’t trust us. They make a day to kick us. Call us names… ‘You fire crotch, you ginger.’ They ask us stupid questions, like does the carpet match the drapes? A black guy’s never said that to me. White guys… ‘The carpet match the drapes, bud?’ And I’m always like, ‘Are you a grown-up asking ‘about my penis hair? ‘Is that the level that you’re on? ‘You’ re worried about my penis hair, dude. ‘If you must know, it’s hardwood floors. There ‘s no carpet there, bro.’ I clean it up. Go get you a little buzzer from Target and clean that shit up. You get under there. It’s like… It’s working overtime under there. That’s the no-fly zone, no-fly zone. It might die under there, like… I can’t, I can’t. White people never liked me. They never did. They always made fun of me. That’s a reality check. Now people are like, ‘Huh? What are you talking about?’ White people always made fun of redheads. Redheads are this outcast. We’re this weird minority for some reason, but black people always liked me. They really did. They took to me. Like, black people like white people with a deficiency. I’m like a dog with one bad leg. You know, white people don’t adopt that dog, but black people are like, ‘No, no, no. ‘He good, he good, he good. ‘He gonna be fine. Come here, Tripod. ‘He gonna be fine. Tripod. ‘Come here, Tripod. It gonna work out.’ That’s just the truth. It just made me feel normal when I was a kid. So I loved hip-hop culture. I loved everything all my black friends liked, so much so that in the ’90s, people used to say this word. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ Do you remember that word? Don’t get uncomfortable. You all said it. You all said it. I don’t know why we got rid of it. It was hilarious. You should’ve stuck around for a while. People used to call me a ‘wigger.’ People used to say ‘wigger’ to me ’cause they thought it would hurt my feelings. They thought, like, that was a way to get my goat. You know what I mean? And I’ll never forget. I was on a basketball court the first time I heard it, and we had won this basketball game, and this dude from the losing team says… ‘Whatever, bro. That dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And all my black friends heard it, and they were disappointed. They heard him say that, and they were like… That’s how they sound, like a train. They were like… When black guys are bummed out, it sounds like a train, just… Next stop, Sedgwick. But they were bummed out ’cause that was an attack, you know. They didn’t like that, but when I heard it, I heard it different, ’cause they were like, ‘That white dude ain’t nothing but a wigger.’ And I heard it, and I was like, ‘Oh… so close.’ How do I get that N? How do I get that N? These are Karl Kani jeans. This is a Perry Ellis shirt. Give it to me. I bought Timberland boots. Say it if you’re gonna say it, you racist motherfuckers. Say it. How do I get that, man? It was just me being real. That’s all that was. I wanted to be a black guy. I thought I was black. I thought I was a black guy. Even to this day, I still have a lot of black friends, and I got to tell you… Every time I talk to my black guy friends, I’m always like, ‘Hey, man, don’t date white girls.’ Don’t date white girls. Not ’cause I’m racist. I’m clearly not racist. I have black friends. I’m not a racist. I tell my black guy friends to not date white girls ’cause I genuinely care about the future of sports. That’s it. We don’t need any placekickers and long snappers. We want dunk contests, right? How do you get a Heisman? You know what I mean? Not from Jerome and Cassie. Jerome and Jaquanda… That’s how we’re gonna make a Heisman, two beautiful chocolate people making love under a beautiful chocolate rain shower while he’s got shoes on. We know the formula. We know the formula. Drake is the number-one dude in hip-hop. His name is Aubrey. Yeah! We let him get away with that. Drake’s name is Aubrey, and nobody said shit about it. Aubrey, number one in hip-hop. What’s his name, Aubrey? Got it. Okay, cool. We’re good. He had beef with Meek Mill. It was a big beef. You’re it. Tag, you’re it. You’re it. Tag. Remember real beef? You remember when hip-hop was, like, real beef? People hated each other. Tupac and Biggie hated each other so much, and they were best friends at one point. They had real beef so deep that Tupac started a song called ‘Hit ‘Em Up’… Before he started the lyrics, he goes, ‘So I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.’ That’s what he said. You’re fat. Fucked your girlfriend. Okay, let’s go. Here we go. That’s crazy. That’s how much he hated that guy. That’s real beef. I feel like hip-hop has, like, dissipated, you know. It’s just, like, gone by the wayside, and I blame one person for the death of hip-hop. His name is Macklemore. That dude is the worst. That dude is the worst. Macklemore is at fault for all this shit going south. Macklemore is not hip-hop. You can like him, but he’s not hip-hop, okay? That’s pop. He talks about going downtown on a scooter with his pals. Come on, bro. What? You’re gonna go downtown with your buddies on a scooter, Macklemore? That’s not hip-hop. Hip-hop doesn’t go downtown. Hip-hop lives downtown, and it goes to the suburbs and robs those people and comes back downtown. It doesn’t go downtown. Talking about thrift stores. Fuck you, bro. Don’t fucking talk about discount clothing! No! I don’t want to hear that, man. I want to hear a rapper be like… And I’m like, ‘You got it, you got it.’ That’s what I want to hear, man. I want to hear Rick Ross be like… That’s what I want to hear. Get out of here, Macklemore. What’s wrong with you, bro? This guy’s bullshit. We can’t call him hip-hop. It’s crazy that he’s hip-hop, ’cause it’s not. It’s all some sensitive-ass shit. The thing that made me the most mad about Macklemore is he co-wrote this song he got a Grammy nomination for that arguably made him famous, right? It made him famous, right? It was called ‘Same Love.’ It was about same-sex marriage. Now, the song and the depth of the song I’m not against. I’m for same-sex marriage. I don’t give a shit who you want to marry, okay? You want to marry who you want to marry? Go crazy, man. You don’t fuck kids or animals, I don’t care. That’s it for me. No kids, no animals, we’re straight. You want to marry your toaster? Go crazy. Just don’t return that. I don’t want to buy that fucked toaster. So the song I’m okay with. It’s at the beginning of the song, the intro. He goes, ‘When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay.’ Remember this bullshit? I thought that I was gay. When I was in the third grade, I thought I was a gay person. That’s what he said. I thought I was one of you fellas. Thank God I’m not. I’m not, but I thought I was. I thought so. I hated that. I hated that ’cause they applauded him. They were like, ‘Oh, how bold. ‘How brave of Macklemore. ‘He thought he was a homosexual. ‘In third grade, he thought he was a homosexual. ‘He’ s not, which is good, but he thought he was. He thought he was a gay.’ And they thought that was, like, a risky thing to say… ‘I thought I was gay when I was in third grade.’ I hate that shit. You remember third grade? I do. Everybody was gay. Everybody in here in third grade was gay. You were all gay. I wore sweat pants. I played the recorder. I was very gay. I used to Rollerblade around my neighborhood, like, ‘Hey, fellas.’ I would fag out all day. Like… I was homosexual, bro. It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. That kid’s gay as shit. Little redhead gay kid skating backwards. I was gay, man. I was gay when I was in third grade. You were all gay in third grade. I would beg my mom to let me sleep at other boys’ houses every night of the week. I want to sleep at Billy’s. What are you doing over there? None of your business, Mom! Make the call, please! I was so gay in third grade. If another boy accused me of liking girls, I’d fucking murder that kid. Chicago, Illinois, I got to go. I’m Andrew Santino. Thank you so much, man. Thank you, guys. I love you, Chicago. Everybody who’s anybody has lived in this building, man. Locals, baby… Jordan, Pippen, Longley, Kerr, Paxton. You know it, dude. Ryne Sandberg used to own and live in one of those big white poles at the top. He would have to slide down for breakfast. Al Capone still lives in the basement. Not dead. It’s now called Willis, used to be called Macy’s Tower, after the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, because most of the floats are made right here in this building. It’s actually anatomically to scale… even his balls. The penis is not. They ran out of clay, but the balls are full. And if you look right beyond me, that’s the Adams Street Bridge, named, of course, after the Addams Family. Duh-na-na-na. Oh, you want a fat dick in a bun or a little dick in a bun? I don’t want any penises on the hot dog, just a regular hot dog. Okay, we’re gonna give you a Trump dog, then.

Gonna give me a Trump dog?

Damn right. You know what? Let me tell you something. You’re not nice, and you’re not nice to people and… We don’t give a fuck about your fucking soft ass. Yes. I’m sick of this abuse. All I want is… Save that pussy-ass shit for somebody else that want to fucking hear it.

Good night, pussy lips.


Fine, good night.

Bye, dick cheese. Get the fuck out of here.

I’m leaving.

Pussy nose. Well, leave. Tweet, tweety bird. Hey, Andrew, I think the crew’s gonna head out of here. Cool, man. Get out.

We’re wrapped.

Yeah, I’m here. Do you need a ride, or are you good? I get in my… I can walk.


Cool. Good luck with your special or tour guide, whatever this is. Thanks, dude. Thank you, Bernard.


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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