[announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other motherfuckers, get up off your ass for the baddest bitch: Amy Schumer! -[music playing] -[cheers and applause]
Yeah! What the fuck is up, Denver?! [cheers and applause] Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my God. This is such a big deal for me. I don’t know if you guys know this, but this past year, I’ve gotten very rich, famous and humble. [audience laughing] Thank you. Thank you. And maybe you caught this. I don’t know who saw this. I tweeted out a photo of myself wearing just underwear. Nothing but underwear. [cheering] Thank you, just the women. What the fuck? No! It’s too late, sir. This could have been crumpled on your floor in the morning, but no. I like the idea of this being crumpled on someone’s floor. Having to put this back on in the morning. Just, like… [grunting] And you’re like, “Call me.” And then– Imagine doing a walk of shame in this shit. You’re like, “Hi. Taxi.” They’re like, “Hmm. That’s an actual trash bag. It looks like a Glad bag.”
I feel like every comedian needs a leather special. Right? Every comic has some special where they wear all leather, and they regret it later. It’s my fucking moment! Leather Special! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Already regret it. Already regret it. Very overheated. Very overheated. So, I tweet out this photo of myself. I’m holding coffee. I’m topless in just underwear, and it goes viral. It was everywhere, every news show, every website, and that’s when I learned the word you don’t want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral. “Brave.” Um… Can you imagine? You take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time, and they’re just like, “Damn! You look mad brave right now. Whoo-ee! Shorty looks empowered!” Like, no! As if I’m standing there, like, “I am brave!” No, just fuck me.
I am blacking out tonight. I am blacking out tonight. Anybody? [cheers and applause] Who loves you? [speaks in childish gibberish] If you’re a real winner, then you’ll– Has anyone ever blacked out and been awake when they’ve come out of it? -[woman] Yes! -Thank you! Thank you, sister! It’s cool ’cause it’s like you’re a time traveler. You’re just, like, back in your body, like… “What are people wearing now?” And you just kind of keep moving. I, one time, in college– thank you– I came out of a blackout, and there was a stranger going down on me. So, I was like, “Okay.” I decided to tap him gently. So as not to startle him, you know? “Sir!” So– ‘Cause I’m laying there, and I’m like, “What do I know about this guy at this point, right? I know that he has brown hair. And I know that he is a hero.” He’s brave, okay? He’s brave, and I’m gonna tell you why he’s brave, and this does not leave this theater. And this does not leave your home. Here’s why he’s brave. On my pussy’s best day… It’s not every day. It’s almost no day. But, you know, you wake up, you’re having a good puss day. And maybe you know you’re gonna have a visitor, so in the shower, you get very real in there, you know. You pull things back you don’t usually. You kind of Minority Report your own pussy. [grunting] You get in. It’s like Stranger Things. You just kind of get in. “Gotta find Barb, guys. She’s in there.” If you have access to a detachable showerhead, guess what? I just want you guys to think that that’s how big my pussy is. Just like… hmm. It’s really like… hmm? After all of that… on its already best day… [groans] my pussy smells… like a small barnyard animal, okay? Small. Small. I didn’t, like– not like a big, fucked-up llama, like, chewing and spitting and reeking. No! Little. Like a goat. You just– You buy the food pellets, you know, and you feed it, and it’s like… And you’re like, “Aah! he ate it.” You don’t go like, “Eww!” You go, “I want to get to a sink. Kind of soon. Kind of soon would be good.” [chuckles] ‘Cause it does smell. That’s on its best day. On its worst day… after a blackout… ISIS. It’s fucked up, guys. It’s bad. And you know what? That’s fine. That is the nature of a pussy. Right? We’re so worried and ashamed. Our moms never sat us down and said, “Okay, honey, one day, you’re sometimes gonna have homeless pussy. Lights out.” Like, no. They don’t tell you. And that’s just the fucking nature of it. And it’s like, we’re so embarrassed. I know some girls who won’t let anybody go down on them. They’re just like, “No, I don’t know what’s going on down there.” I’m like, “What?” Like, I will forward your mail. Go. Head on down. Head on down to Puss Town. And– And if that’s not your thing, fine, you know? If I ever started dating a guy, and he was like, “You know what, it’s not my thing,” I’d be like, “That’s fine.” And then I would invite him to go hiking at Red Rocks, and I would push him off a fucking mountain. Just… [imitates thud] [imitates thuds] Right? And then they come up, and they go to kiss you, and you go… “Oh! No. Mm-mm. [groaning] Mm-mm. I don’t want to.” Yeah, right. Me, I’m like… [groans] I love that shit, that’s sexy. That’s hot. I’m like, “Mmm. Soup.” I… Don’t even. I see some of the girls, just a couple, you guys are close. They’re like, “No…” [muttering] Yes. I wish we were raised more like men. Right? Just, like, here’s an example of how we’re different. We’re so worried about our pussies, right? Have you ever had a guy come in your mouth and go… [inhales] “Does it taste okay? [whimpering] I haven’t been drinking a lot of water, and I was a little worried.” [nervous muttering] No! That would never happen. Because, men, you weren’t raised to hate yourselves. You were raised, and your parents, they’re just like, “Everything you do is a miracle.” And you’re like, “Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!” And don’t get me wrong, you guys. We love your come. Only complaint: We want more of it. More, more, more. We want to do snow angels in it. Yay! Yay! Mmm. Is there anything bad about come? I can’t think of anything. Oh, wait, I just thought of something. If you got even a drop of it in your mouth, the rest of the day, you’re going… [grunting and exhaling] “I’m fine. [retching] I’m fine. I’m fine. [retches] Keep the meeting going.” [grunts] [gargling] That is awful.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself… on the big screens, doing shows. First of all, I’m like, “Who’s that dude?” Like, I seriously– I have good self-esteem, I do. But I’ll catch a glimpse of myself on the screen sometimes, and I’m like, “I shouldn’t be here. I should be on a mound, going, like…” You know? [deep voice] “Good job, ladies. One more, ladies.” Let me be real, because I was doing an interview. It was me and Bill Hader, and the interviewer was asking him hard-hitting questions like, “What are your favorite German beers?” And then he was asking me softballs like, “What’s it like to fuck you?” And Bill was upset. He was like, “You don’t have to answer that, Amy.” And I was like, “He’s gonna find out anyway, Bill! Shut up, Bill.” But I told him, and I will tell you guys exactly what it’s like to fuck me. Have you ever seen somebody standing on a box, painted all silver, in a town square? And you don’t know if they’re alive or not. But every once in a while, just, “Boop!” You’re like, “Oh, it’s a person!” That’s what it’s like to fuck me. That’s it. Like a street performer mime in a town square. Except no one’s ever given me a dollar. I don’t do shit. I lay there. I either lay on my back, like that, or if I want to blow his fucking mind, sometimes I lie on my stomach, just like this. Comes right away. Men deserve more credit. They do, when it comes to sex. We don’t have to do anything. You guys, men, you have to work so hard to fuck us. You have to get hard, you have to stay hard, and you have to go like this. [grunting] I feel like it would be funny to do that longer, but it hurts. I can’t believe you guys do that. That sucks for you. My boyfriend usually comes in me. He usually comes in me, but sometimes you want to mix it up. You gotta have fun. We’ll be having sex, and then he’ll ask my favorite question: “Where should I come?” First of all, I’m like, “Thank you for thinking of me. [chuckles] Like… How did I even come up in your thoughts?” And… “Where should I come?” As a comic, I want to fuck around and be like, “In this jar!” I’m just, like… “Where should I come?” [belches] What do you think? What do you think? There’s three answers, right? If you’re lying on your back, what are the three places? -[man] Tits! -[second man] Face. -[woman] Butt! -Yes. She goes, “Your butt.” What? I’m laying here. I just went over. I’m not on the fucking Broncos or whatever. I’m not in practice… [grunting] “Your butt.” You’re so cute. No! He goes, “Your head.” What are you talking about? Just… [imitates splat] “I’m the prettiest girl in Colorado.” “Your head.” -No. -[woman] Tits! Yes. Your tits. Great answer. Your tits. And you have to say it like your psyched about it. “Where should I come?” You have to go, “My titties!” And– And he goes, “Are you sure?” And you go… “Uh-huh! Mm-hmm. I love it. I love it.” I hate not having come on my tits. I just– Walking around all day, I’m at the bank, “Zero come on my tits. Ohh.” My titties. I also love the question because of the confidence of it, right? “Where should I come?” I don’t know about you guys. I’ve never dated anyone with American Sniper type accuracy. Where I could be like, “Right here. Hit the moving target.” I’m like, “Okay, Katniss… Um…” Now, most of the time– tell me if this is true for you guys– he’s like, “All right, are you ready? Are those titties ready?” And you’re like, “Mm-hmm.” He’s like, “Here it comes.” [imitates dribbling sound] Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just– A second ago, you were the most powerful man alive. Now you’re just the last boy at a carnival with a melting ice cream cone. And, God, we don’t care. I’ve never been, like… [whining voice] “Well, you said you’d come on my titties.” We don’t. No girl cares. But then there’s that move where in a moment of desperation, the guy will be like… And they try to finger paint. You’re like, “No, no, no! It didn’t happen for you. We’re closed.” Sometimes it happens. For three seconds, that means you go… “Yay!” And then you just kind of look at each other, like… And if you’re with a really sweet guy, he’ll go, “Babe, do you want me to go get you a…” [snoring] You’re like, “No, I got it. You catch some much deserved shut-eye.” And then that’s when we make the shelf. Right, girls? That’s what you do. You don’t want it to just fucking– You don’t want to– So you block it and you walk it. Mm-hmm. It’s the saddest shelf in the world. And I’ve been to the Anne Frank House. I’m a German Jew. There used to be more of us. So… what happened? Oh, my God. It’s weird to have a boyfriend. I’ve been on the road for so long. I really like having a boyfriend. I really love this guy. I met him on a dating app. Yeah. We met– When I signed up, they were like, “Congratulations. You have a free lifetime membership.” And I was like, “Well, that’s discouraging.” Like, “What the fuck?” When I met him, he was the first– He’s the only guy I met on there. I liked him right away. I really liked him. I was like, “I’m gonna make this guy wait.” And I did. Like, all through dinner. No, we didn’t go to dinner. I– I don’t know. I don’t have an adult manning the ship. There’s no one like, “Mnh-mnh-mnh. Not till date seven.” I’m just– If I want cake, I’m like, “We’re having cake today.” If I’m wet, I’m like, “Well, let’s get a dick in there.” Just… [humming] But I am a germophobe, and that’s why I told him, before we did anything sexually, “Look, just so you know, I know for a fact that I don’t have any diseases left. They all burned out.” I was like, “What about you?” And he was like, “I’ve never been tested.” And I was like, “Oh, mysterious. Is David Blaine in the house?” We went to Paris. I’d never been to France because I’m trash. And… we went, and we were excited. We’ve been together under a year, so… we’ve been trying to keep it pretty sexy, but we both got violent food poisoning. Like, violent. So, yeah. And we’re not the couple that’s like, “I’m gonna go take a deuce, babe.” You know, like… We’re trying to keep it, like– Under a year. We’re still lying. So– So, our last night, after all week, we’re like, “Eiffel Tower–” just the biggest dickheads– we both get violent food poisoning, and our hotel was one of the rooms where we had one bathroom, and it was the kind where, like, the bed was right there, then you’re in the bathroom, and if you went… [soft grunt] you would loudly hear it. So, it hits him first. And he’s in there, just… [retching] And then, the way it manifested itself in me… is– How do I say this and not be gross? I was in the bathroom just, like… [imitating machine gun] Machine-gun shitting out of my ass. Just… [imitating machine gun] Violent diarrhea. He… It’s over. I’m yelling at him. [imitating machine gun] I’m like, “It was so cool dating you. Good luck. You’re gonna meet the greatest girl. She’s out there for you.” [imitating machine gun] He’s fucking puking. He’s putting his head where I was. [imitating machine gun] And this is puke. And it’s– And then I thought I was just gonna be the one, the shit one, and he was the puke one, but I’m in there, and I’m– And then he hears me go, “Fuck!” And I grab the trash can, and I start… [retching] All my holes. Shit’s coming out all my holes. Then I realize there’s holes in the bottom of the trash can I’m puking in. All over my knees. So, I walk out of the bathroom, and I’m like… I’m like, “Are you gonna propose on this trip?” He’s like, “No, I am not.” Oh, God. If you know me, you know I’m on the NuvaRing for birth control. That’s my thing. It’s easy, I don’t have to remember to take a pill. Not that I ever have trouble doing that. But the NuvaRing, if you don’t know, is this little latex thing you put in the back of your puss. And then you take it out every three weeks and just bleed all over the furniture. Am I using it right? So… I don’t know why they won’t sponsor me. So, we’re, like– You can leave it in during sex. But I wanted to take it out, just, like, the thought of it. So, you got to get in there, it’s in the back. So, he’s right over me. I’m like, “Hold on a sec.” And so, I stick my finger, and I try to scoop it with my middle finger. And I shoot it up there, and that’s when I accidentally went knuckle-deep with my ring finger into my own asshole. I shrieked. I went… [screams] And he went, “What?” And I went, “I put my finger in my butt.” And he was like, “Can anybody do that?” I was like, “No! I’m not opening up a conversation about this.” The mystery is over. We made it through that. I don’t know why I’m on birth control anymore. You guys know that there’s now a male birth control pill. Do you know this? They’re still testing it, but I want him to go on it immediately. I just can’t imagine that era, though, of guys, like– Imagine you go home with a guy and you’re gonna have sex with him, and you get a condom out of your purse, and he just goes… “Oh. No. It’s cool. I’m on the pill.” “What? You’re on what?” His phone alarm goes off. He’s like, “Excuse me.” Pop. No. [sighs] God. Yeah, I’m all good. I’m so happy to be in this relationship. The only problem is I’m not the girl who’s like, “Yeah, like, ever since we’ve been together, I’ve just kind of chilled with drinking.” If anything, it’s skyrocketed. Like– Yeah, I still black out on the reg. I know it’s not cool. It sucks because, for years, I’ve been blacking out, and I’ll just be by myself, and I fart in a pillow, but now there’s a witness. I got a witness. It sucks. So, I blacked out the other night. You know how I do. Just a little wine, edibles. I’m like, “This is missing something. Xanax.” Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay? But I have a very sophisticated palate. So… I black out. And I just wake up in the morning. I don’t even look at him, but I can feel that he hates me. You know that feeling? It’s like, “What’s that in the air?” [inhales] It’s rage and it’s all directed at me, so… I was like, “I’m gonna play stupid.” I just roll over, and I’m just… “Mmm! Morning! [giggling] So, should we list all the things that we’re grateful for? I’m grateful for you.” [giggles] And he just stares at me. He’s just… “Well… okay.” I’m like, “Okay, what did I get into last night? Did I just, like, say my prayers and go to sleep?” [giggles] Ding! He’s like, “No.” Okay. “Did I give you a surprise blowjob?” I like the idea of, like, “Blowjob?” A girl who doesn’t know how to do the blowjob symbol. What? And he’s like, “Ame, any blowjob would be a huge surprise at this point.” And I don’t want you guys to think I’m not giving. I love going down on him. I think you’ve got to go down. Go down. I love it. I love him, I love doing it. But there are guys who you go down for 90 seconds, and they’re, like… [splat] And you’re like, “Still got it.” And then… There are guys like my boyfriend, where if I want to blow him to completion, it takes between ten and 12 years. And in my twenties, I’d roll up my sleeves, crack my– [imitates bones cracking] You know, I have a– All right. [singing practice notes] Red leather, yellow leather. I don’t even know that girl anymore. She is gone. That girl gone. I go down for a while, though. I went down on him very recently, and he yawned. [yawns] I’m like, “If there’s a God, he’ll put a dick right in your mouth now.” Gong! If I’m down there long enough that you’re yawning, guess what? ♪ I’m coming up ♪ [humming] Fuck you. I’m so fun to date. So, I’m like, “Okay, what did I do when I blacked out?” He goes, “Okay. What you did was you started pounding Ritz Crackers.” I’m like, “I’m sure I wasn’t pounding them.” He’s like, “You looked like a contestant on a reality show.” Okay. Then he said I started on the other sleeve. And this is an exact quote. He said that I was “using butter as if it were guacamole.” Just, “Mmm.” Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating. Then he said that I tried to make two frozen pizzas at once, because I wanted to eat them like a hamburger. And he said that he was like, “Ame, what are you doing?” And I accused him of judging me. I was like, “You’re judging me!” Chasing him around the apartment. And then he said I got in bed, and I stacked all of the pillows, four pillows on my side, and I put my head right on top. And he went, “Amy, we each get two pillows.” And I went, “Not tonight, motherfucker!” [snoring] ♪ Isn’t she lovely ♪ Hey, thank you. Oh, God. Soon, it’ll be just us. Oh, my God. I really love his whole family. No bullshit. They’re from the Midwest. Yeah. The happiest people. The happiest people. I mean, in L.A., I feel like they pretend. Everyone’s like, “I’m doing great,” and you’re like, “Stay away from cliffs.” But in the Midwest, they’re just so psyched. And his mom is the happiest person I’ve ever met. Her name is Deb, and Deb is just the happiest person. She gets everything wrong. She’ll be like, “We took a U-ber here.” I’m like, “What?” She’s like, “I like that boy. What’s his name? Seeth Rogen?” I’m like, “That’s absolutely no one’s name.” Everywhere she walks, it looks like she was called out as a contestant on The Price Is Right. She’s just, “Whoo!” I lucked out, though. I promise you I love her. I’m not complaining. I feel like I really lucked out because a lot of the guys I’ve dated, their moms have had a vibe with them where they’re like, “Ohh. I wanted to fuck my son. [groaning] No, it’s fine. You kids have fun. I just always thought we’d wind up together. I don’t know.” And as the girl, you have to act like it’s not happening. Like, a stutter. You have to be, like… So, I know what you guys are thinking this part of the night. You’re like, “Amy, well, you’re really well-read.” Um… And I am. Look. “Wine.” And I don’t think I’m any better now. You guys, I hope you know. Like, I know I am trash from Long Island. I have a lower-back tattoo that is raised and crooked, and it doesn’t mean anything, and I have been fingered by a cab driver. At my request.
Constantly reminded, anything good or fancy that happens, I get brought down to Earth right quick. Anything. Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award, which I didn’t even know what that was. Very high, very fancy. It’s for people in media making a difference. It’s a big deal. And the other people there were people like the Ebola fighters, and Malala, and our show, and… so, we go, and we’re like, “Okay. Thank you for including us.” And at the beginning of the awards, they showed a little clip of each person’s project. And you don’t know what they’re gonna choose. And so, first, they show a clip of the Ebola fighters in the suits, this documentary where they go in and they’re saving lives, the bravest people in the word. And then Malala. Like, Malala-ing, you know? And then… they show a clip of our show. We’re like, “What are they gonna choose? We’ve done so much for so many.” The clip they chose was me taking a giant bite out of a burger, going, “I’m gonna go make some room,” and walking to the toilet. It was Malala being fitted for a glass eye. And then me like, “I’m gonna take a violent dump. You guys good?” The July that Trainwreck came out, two girls named Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed at the movie theater when they went to see my movie. And the feeling of putting something out and being excited, and then finding out that these two beautiful, amazing, smart women who just wanted to have a good time, went and got murdered was crushing and… Yeah, and I just wanted to do something about it. I knew nothing about gun violence, and I found out that the guy who shot them was severely mentally ill and a domestic abuser. And I was like, “Well, okay. Why could he get a gun?” I wasn’t educated. But I found out that if you are severely mentally ill or have been convicted of domestic violence, there are loopholes where it’s not that hard to get a firearm. And I was like, “Well, I really want to help make it more difficult for people who are severely mentally ill or domestic abusers–” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I believe in the right to bear arms. Second Amendment, yes. I’ve been friends with gun owners. But what I learned was, no matter what you say, as soon as you say the word “gun,” what gun nuts hear is just, “You want to take all our guns! That shifty G wants our guns!” I’m like, “No, you seem great. You should get more guns.” Let’s get this guy more guns, right? “Our Amendment!” You’re like, “Okay, okay.” “The government wants my house!” I’m like, “You don’t have a house. You live in a trailer with no windows. What are you talking about?” And then I found out– and you guys probably already know this– that if you’re on the terrorist watch list– like, not just the no-fly list, but the straight-up terrorist watch list– you can easily get a gun. And so, that same guy is like, “Get out of our country, foreigner! But while you’re here, please, enjoy our firearms legally.” If you’re blind– If you’re blind as a fucking bat, you can walk into a gun store, hopefully. There’s more gun stores than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined in our country, so your chances are good. You walk in, and you go, “I want a gun!” And they go, “We’re over here.” Then you go, “Oh, okay.” “I’ll take it.” And they go, “That’s the phone.” You go, “Oh. Well…” Like, all about equal rights for the disabled, but if Stevie Wonder calls me and he’s like, “You want to go shooting today?” I’m gonna be like, “Hard pass.” The thing you look through to aim is called a “sight!” But you don’t need that. They get a gun. So I’m like, “Okay. I would love it– Can we just work on not giving guns to mentally ill terrorists who are blind and beat their wives?” “What?! What’s next? You want us to fuck animals?” I’m like, “I’ve been fucking animals my whole life, sir.” And you know what? I totally hear you guys. You’re like, “Schumer, you were talking about come all over your tits. Now we have to listen to this shit?” But what’s crazy is that you can catch a hot load all over your titties and still not want your loved ones to get shot in a theater. [cheers and applause]
You know what? I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I am what Hollywood calls “very fat.” No, you guys know. You know me. I feel very good in my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy. [cheers and applause] I do. I feel sexy. Also, like, my dad has MS and is in a wheelchair. And it’s, like, I’m just so psyched I can fucking move. I’m just like, “Fuck you.” How are you gonna complain? [mutters] How do I get rid–” Shut the fuck up! You’re alive. You can move and we feel good. And, you know, I bought into it, because when I was doing my first movie, Trainwreck, before I did anything, somebody explained to me, they were like, “Just so you know, Amy, no pressure. But if you weigh over 140 pounds, it will hurt people’s eyes.” And I was like… [groans] I just bought it. I was like, “Okay, I’m new to town.” And so, I lost weight, and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself. But I don’t believe in, like, crash dieting or starving yourself. Like, get the fuck out of here. No. Let’s just, you know– It’s just not right. Yeah, so, thank God I look very stupid skinny. My dumb head stays the same size. But then my body shrivels, and I just look like a Thanksgiving parade float of Tonya Harding. I’m just like, “Hi!” Nobody likes it. It’s not cute on me. So, I, like, gained all this weight back. I just revenge-ate as soon as the movie was over. I was just, “I couldn’t have pizza. I couldn’t have–” Like, everything. And I got worried, because it gets in your head, just everything on television and movies and magazines and the Internet. All the women are just beautiful, like, little skeletons with tits, and you’re just, like–
All day I’m looking at the Hadid sisters and, like, those Jenner things, and you’re just, like… And I got worried. I gained weight. I’m like, “Oh, my God. Are men gonna still be attracted to me?” And that’s when I remembered– I always forget this– it’s another reason I love men so much. Men, each day, have a thought that goes through their head where they’re, like… “I don’t know why, but I want to put my penis right in your butthole.” A couple times a day, someone walks by. “Huh.” You know, just… They’re like, “Look, it doesn’t make sense to me, either, but I know for a fact I want to take the most sensitive, intimate part of myself and just, like, ram it right where you poop. Just, like, ram it!” [grunting] They’re thinking that, and I’m over here like, “Oh, should I get highlights?” Like… He doesn’t care! He doesn’t care. “Honey, do you like my new nail color? It’s ballet slipper.” “I would fuck you if your head was a ballet slipper. I don’t care.” We work so hard, and they don’t fucking care. Isn’t that a relaxing thought? Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know? If they fuck us, they will come. It’s a beautiful, easy sweatshirt that’s available on my– No, I’m just kidding.
I am the shittiest famous person, okay? I’m a shitty famous person. Yes, I know. I always– I can’t believe it’s still going on. I say what I mean. I dress like garbage. Like, my sister and I… And I tried really hard. I’m like, “Okay, like, let’s do our best and tape it up and spackle it down and…” [groans] But after I leave here, I will look like a newly homeless person very quickly. Very quickly, trust me. My sister dresses the same, but they’ll still write about us as if we’re the Kardashians. They’ll be like, “The Schumer sisters stepped out today. Amy opted for performance fleece… and a pleather jacket from Forever 21.” And my favorite thing they ever wrote was, “And Kim chose to wear a bright red-and-gold beanie to add to her ensemble.” It was a Gryffindor hat. Like, look at this. It’s a fucking Gryffindor hat. The most disappointing people ever to be photographed. Look at this. It looks like we were moving, and we ran out of bags, so we’re like, “Let’s just wear it all. We’ll just wear it all. Never a bra. Never a problem.” Look at my sister’s shoe game. Can you check this out? Ballet flats from Payless. H&M zebra pants. What’s up? What’s up now, Internet? They photographed me once, and this was the headline: “Schumer buys pastry so she can work out.” Kind of mean, right? No, they hit the nail right on the fucking head. That’s what I do to work out. That’s what I do. Before I work out, I go buy a scone, and then I slowly walk around a reservoir, and I eat it. My workouts are like a woman in hospice. Just, like, nibbling on a baked good, looking at the trees and the birds. “Mmm.” I’m so disappointing to them as a famous person that they’ll try to make it sound sexier than it is. They’re like, “Schumer flaunting her legs in teeny-tiny shorts.” And you guys have eyes. You understand that that is not available to me. Like, there’s no separation between church and state up here, okay? This area does not– There’s no– It’s not happening. I didn’t even know what a thigh gap was. I was like, “Is that like the wage gap? Do we need to rally against this?” Since I’m ten years old, I can’t wear tiny shorts. If I take one step, all the material shoots up my pussy. I have to pull it out like a magician. A fucking dove. Just, like, “Fly!” I have to lather deodorant in my crotch, so I don’t chafe to the point of bleeding out. Right here is when my thighs stop touching for the first time. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. The fucking teeny-tiny shorts. Fuck you! Fuck you. I got photographed paddleboarding, standup paddleboarding, which– Can we all just agree to stop pretending like that’s fun? What do we– Just what? “Would you like the sensation of being in a canoe, without the comfort of a seat or the safety of sides?” “No.” “Have you often wondered what it’s like to work on a gondola?” “I can’t say that I have. No.” The picture of me, I didn’t even recognize myself because, obviously, I don’t suck in anyway. It was just, like– I looked at it, and I was like, “Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is alive… and loves water sports! Fuck, yeah,” you know? I was so psyched.
Honestly, the only thing that gets me through the night, the only thing, is that I believe in my heart that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me. Now, no one else believes me, especially not him. But I believe it. I believe it in my heart. Now, maybe you’re like, “Bradley Cooper doesn’t really do it for me.” Hmm. Shut the fuck up. Yes, he does. He’s the kind of hot where when you see him, you don’t even mean to, but your body just, like, pivots around. And you just, like, grab your toes. You’re just like, “Okay.” By the way, that’s as far down as I can go. That’s it. Look, we got a little more. But I’m kind of tilted. He’s the kind of hot where when he’s talking to you, all your holes get wet. You’re just like, “What? Why here?” Like… His eyes change color and shit, you guys. So, he’s talking to me at this event, and I don’t even think I’m registering as a sexual person to him, because I’m thinking of myself like I’m on a mound, you know? And… I’m just like, “Sick party, right, Coop?” Like, I’m not– I’m trying to help him get out of the conversation with me. I’m like, “Okay.” Because all these gorgeous girls are around, just foaming at the mouth, just like, “Oh, let me at that dick hole.” And… And I tried to get him out of it. I’m like, “All right. Have a good night.” And he’s like, “Wait, Amy. It’s really good to see you. Let’s hang out.” I’m like, “Okay… my new boyfriend.” Fully went there. And then… Then we talk a little more, and then 20 minutes go by, and I’m like, “Okay, I’m gonna grab my seat.” And he grabs my wrist. He goes, “Wait. It’s, like, really good to see you. Why don’t we, like, spend some time together?” [humming “Bridal Chorus”] I, like, put my napkin over my head. I was like, “I do!” I called my friends from high school on the way home. I’m like, “Take me out of your phone. I’m with Bradley now. I’m at a new level, and you’re not coming with me. You’re out!” And then the next night, I’m doing a show in Reno, Nevada, because you can have it all. And I’m watching the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. And they’re like, “And here’s Bradley Cooper.” And I’m like, “Hi, baby.” And they’re like, “And here is his girlfriend.” And I’m like, “But I’m his girlfriend.” It turns out I am not his girlfriend. He is dating an actual angel named Irina Shayk. She’s a supermodel. She doesn’t resemble a person at all. It looks like if a panther fucked a gazelle… and then, like, they fucked Gisele… and just shot out the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever seen. She doesn’t walk. She, like, slinks around. And she’s– The way she talks, she’s like, “I’m from nine hours by dogsled outside Moscow.” She can only see through the tops of her eyes. [moaning] She’s so fucking hot. You can just tell that she’s always wet, like, the way she moves. Like, once a boyfriend brought out lube, and she’s like, “I laugh at your lube, Bradley!” And I’m just watching this in fucking Reno. I’m like, “Bradley? Bradley, it’s me!” Like, I was thinking I was gonna be rolling around on a beach with him. And, I don’t know, is this me? Is that my ass? I know we have– Definitely, there’s a picture of me. Is this me? Or is this me? I can’t– Fuck! Which one is me? Is that me? Or is that me? I don’t know. And I was like, “You know what? Fuck her.” That bitch will never be brave. Thank you so much! I love you! [music playing] Oh, wait. Is that guy picketing my show? [indistinct chatter] I don’t know. I feel like he’s yelling at the people going to my show. And you know what? He’s right. He needs a better megaphone. [man] Ha ha. -Are you guys engaged? -Yes. Can I be in the picture? [man] Down here, gun control is when you hold it with two hands. Oh, that’s very funny, Gary. How about holding the steering wheel with two hands. How does that sound? [laughs] Here are the real stars of the show. Whoo! She runs out of lipstick because her lips are so luscious. I’m glad I’m not wearing a skirt because these people would fully see up my entire twat. Do people still say “twat”? [crowd cheering] [woman] So easy.