Amy Schumer: Growing (2019) – Full Transcript

Amy Schumer spills on her new marriage, personal growth, making a baby and her mom's misguided advice in a special that's both raunchy and sincere.

Yes! Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. I used to do something a lot of comics do. I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in. You know how people would be like, “Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!” You know? And the crowd was like, “Okay. We were not here last night.” “Denver! You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You’re crazy, Denver!” “Armed robbery? Philly, you silly.” “No, ma’am. We are concerned for you.”

That’s all over now. Because I’m fucking pregnant! Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there, and… that’s it. Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s, like, a couple of months where there’s some rumors about them, you know? There’s some, like, “Oop, bump alert!” Right? Uh-oh. Uh… I was well into my second trimester. Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed. Belly out. They’re like, “There’s Amy!” “Looking happy. I don’t know. Doing her.” And then so once people knew, they were like, “Is she showing?” They were like, “No more than normal. Kinda… It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off.”

There are all these rules about pregnancy that are unsaid. Where is it written that when you’re pregnant, you have to cup your little bump in every picture? It’s so obnoxious, guys. Every picture. Here… It’s all right. Some people do the two hand. I was like, okay, fuck it. I’ll do it, but I’m going to do it for the rest of my life. I’m going to be 90 years old like this, with a cigarette in my mouth like… I do it. I cup the bump… in pictures, but I just do it a little bit lower. I just go right here. ‘Cause this is the area that got me in trouble in the first place.

All the questions everyone… “What are you having? Do you know what you’re having?” Hemorrhoids. Any other questions? Why do they ask, “What are you craving? What are you craving? Are you craving anything?” Cock! Just me and my angel.

People always want to see the bump. That’s like the thing. “Just show me that fucking bump, bitch.” And my belly button is getting so misshapen with this baby inside that I had to put two Band-Aids over my belly button tonight. That’s more than you bargained for, right? Somebody’s neglecting their bikini area.

I… I’ll tell you who it’s not fun to be pregnant at the exact same time as. Meghan Markle. I think we’re, like, to the day the same amount pregnant. And she’s out there in, like, six-inch heels, adorable outfits, and she has like… There’s been no bump. Like, there’s been… She, like, cups where the bump will be, you know. She’s like… “Here. Here’s where the baby will be.” People see me, they’re like, “The last couple of weeks are the hardest, right? Are you crowning? I think I can see an ear. Is that an ear?” If I were Meghan Markle… and I am… ‘Cause she hangs out with the Queen now. Like, they hang out and have conversations. If I were Meghan, no matter what the Queen asked me, and I can’t do a great British accent, but, you know, if she said something like, “La, la, la. Oh! Pip-pip! Would you like a spot of lemon?” Like probably exactly that, she probably says. No matter what, if I were Meghan, I would answer everything she asks with, “Yas, Queen! Yas.”

I just came so close to shitting myself. You guys don’t… This special almost became a real special. That would have… What would I have done? Kind of just kicked it, and… trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done?

I have not had an easy pregnancy. I have hyperemesis, which I’d never even heard of. It’s extreme nausea and vomiting. If you’ve ever had food poisoning, it’s that. I’ve had that every day for five months. No, and people are like, “You’re so strong. Look at you out there. You’re on the road.” I’m contractually obligated to be out here, guys. I’m not like, “I don’t care. The show must go on.” I’m like, “I will be sued by Live Nation.” That’s why I’m here. But I feel pretty good tonight, to be honest with you, so… I didn’t throw up today. Uh… Yeah, but I didn’t know that being pregnant could be really hard. Like… I didn’t know that because you bitches all lie about it. Women don’t tell you how hard it is. I should have Googled it. I should have Googled being pregnant. ‘Cause it’s been really awful. ‘Cause in movies, they don’t show you. There’s just a montage where the girl’s in her office and she’s typing, and then she’s like… And she runs to the bathroom, she throws up once! And then in the next scene, she’s in overalls painting a barn. Like, “Yay!” ♪ I can’t wait to meet you ♪ You know? I throw up an exorcist amount every day.

And I feel like, you know, if you had a good pregnancy, if you’re someone who enjoyed being pregnant, I just hope your car flips over. That’s… That’s what I wish for you. Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake, and you just kinda… …slowly… drown. Is that fair to say? Because here’s the thing. You’re pregnant, but you don’t change. I hate women who start to act really just precious and like, “Yes, now I’m… I’m a saint, and I never… I never had sex in a bathroom on a train,” you know? We’ve all had sex in the bathroom on a train. You don’t stop being you, you know. You don’t stop working or drinking. Like, you… You know?

I’ve gotten in the habit of asking, uh, friends’ recommendations and advice about pregnancy until I get the answer I want. You know what I mean? I asked my most responsible friend, she’s a nurse. I was like, “So, wine… what do you think? Should I just have some, or what do you think? While I’m pregnant. Wine? Definitely have some, or what do you think?” And… And she was like, “You know what? Just skip it. Just be safe, you know?” And I was like, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but I wanted to hear you say it, so now I’ll tell other people not to drink ever while they’re pregnant. Thank you.” Huh! Good. That’s done with. And then… You know, and then I asked, like, a little more lenient of a friend. I’m like… “Hey, what are your thoughts on drinking wine while you’re pregnant?” She’s like, “A glass a week is fine. Like, that’s probably fine.” I’m like, “That’s better. That makes sense. That’s good. You’re smart.” And then… Then you ask your kind of biggest dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know? She’s like, “Once you start getting, like, fucked up, stop drinking.” I’m like… Mm-hmm! No, I haven’t even wanted… wine.

That’s how I know this baby is not mine. This baby is a lie. No, it’s mine, and… I’m pretty sure the guy who got me pregnant is my husband ’cause I got married, yay! ♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪ I married a chef because I’m a fucking genius. Right? Do you guys like food? That’s what he makes. Yeah. I love it. Marrying a chef, it’s like a little on-the-nose for me. It’s kind of like Snoop marrying weed. I love him. It’s real. Um… The proposal was wack. Uh… He proposed to me in the morning. That’s, like, when people in a nursing home get engaged. Like… Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep. I was sleeping, and I sleep like I’m still in the womb. Earplugs, eye mask… my mom’s legs around my shoulders. Like… You know? Recreate. Every morning, I’m born and… So I’m… in the womb, and he comes in, and I just took one ear plug out. I was like… And he kind of threw the ring box at me, and he goes, “I got you this.” And I open it, and… And he goes, “Do you want me to get down on one knee?” and I was like, “I guess not.” And then I went back to sleep. That’s the truth. That’s a real ass proposal, though. That’s like a real… You know? ‘Cause, like, in movies and TV shows, the guy always gets down on one knee, right? And the girl’s always shocked. “I didn’t even know you liked me! I’m still on Bumble. Like, this is…” Like, you didn’t talk about… That’s a very big decision… to not talk about. I don’t know any girl who got engaged that way. I’m from New York. All my girlfriends are from New York. We get married late there. When you get engaged at 40, it’s like, “Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow… Slow it down. Get to know him.” I think there are only two reasons you should get down on one knee if you’re a guy. If you’re a player in the NFL… and to eat my pussy. Those are the two… Two reasons. I mean, if the guy you’re with gets, like, synchronized swans to dance to Bruno Mars, you know? He’s gay. That’s a gay guy. And, look, we all have a friend married to a gay guy. We do. We do. You’re probably here with a couple right now. And they’re like, “Talk about Meghan Markle more.” We’ve had that experience, right? When you meet the couple for the first time, and then they leave, and then a couple of your friends, you’re taking each other’s temperature. You’re like… “Jeff was nice, right?” “Yeah. Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah.” “You said he’s a costume designer. He’s a… Yeah.” And then finally someone’s like, “Is Jeff gay?” You’re like, “Jeff is gay! Yes!” And we all laugh at our friend. “Hee-hee, she’s married to a gay guy.” But you know what? Someone with hyperemesis who’s five months pregnant, you know who sounds like it would be fun to be married to right now? Fucking Jeff. Get on one knee for Jeff.

I think… I don’t want to jinx it. I think I don’t have to be a bridesmaid anymore. Yeah, I think I’ve done… I’m not making no new friends. Everybody got married. I was the last one. ‘Cause when you get in your late 30s, there’s just no dignity to it, you know? It’s like me in a Grecian gown with my aging cleavage and like… a Coachella flower halo. I’m just like… Just hoping I’m not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm, you know? I’m like… I hold my arm out. ‘Cause people used to get married in their early 20s. You had a little 20-year-old bridesmaid arm. You were holding your champagne like, “It’s heavy!” Now it’s just a sea of turkey legs, just… Looks like the defensive line for the Bears are in the wedding.

I really respect you guys for coming out because if you follow me on Instagram, you’re probably like, “Is this bitch in the hospital? Is she gonna be there?” Yeah. I made it. I… I’ve been hospitalized a couple of times since I’ve been pregnant with hyperemesis and… The very first time was about a month ago, and… I was throwing up for about five hours when I… was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in, and he explained to me and my sister and my husband, who were are all in the room. He said, “You’re going to be here for at least five hours getting liquids.” And without skipping a beat, my husband said to my sister, “Okay, cool, because I saw a place where you can paint pottery nearby.” You guys are like, “Is he gay?” So my sister didn’t even, like, check in with me if it was cool that they left me. As soon as he said “pottery,” they just left. And I was like, “I’ll be here.” And about an hour and a half later, my sister rushed back in the room, and she said, “Okay, listen. Be nice to him about what he painted.” I’m like… “Okay.” She’s like, “I’m serious. He worked really hard on it.” “Okay.” She goes… “And it’s not very flattering.” I’m like, “What?” But my husband’s brain is a little different. ‘Cause you go to these places, you usually paint a teddy bear or a jewelry box, you know, but my husband decided to… to paint a plate… which he would use as a canvas… to paint me. And I’m going to show you the picture. I think it’s important for you guys to see the picture. Um… And I want to show you this, and I want you to know that there were no qualifiers before he showed me this picture. He was sure it was pretty good. This is the picture that he painted. I was in the hospital, guys. What is… I wanted to go, “What’s with my chin on my neck?” I look like Trump. Like, I look… I couldn’t say any of this to him, okay? Get rid of it. People are leaving. This is upsetting. This is an upsetting image. I mean… I had to comfort him.

My husband is a really great sport. You know? He really is. I keep messing with him. Like, you know, I’ve had a tough pregnancy, so… the other day, I was like, “Babe, this is kind of too hard for me. I don’t think I can do it.” And he’s like, “What do you mean?” And I was like… “What do you think I mean? I think I… I need to get an abortion.” And this was his response. He went… “Really?” I was like, “No! What?” I’m going to announce it on Instagram, and then I’m going to be like, “Actually, forget it. I don’t like it. I’m tired. I don’t like it.” Thank God that was his response, you know? What if he’d been like, “Cool. I’ll warm up the car.”

I knew from the beginning that my husband’s brain was a little different than mine. Um, and about… I have to start this over ’cause I really want to get this right. Because I love him very much. And… My husband was diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger’s. He has autism spectrum disorder. He’s on the spectrum. And… there were some signs early on, like… we went for a walk about a year ago, and I fell. And kinda nine out of ten people would go, “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” Right? Maybe more like ten out of ten people. “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” But instead, my husband went… He kind of froze and became a lighthouse, opening and closing his mouth, just… And I remember lying on the ground looking up at him, and I wasn’t mad. I just thought, “Huh!” A lot of “huh” moments, you know? And once he was diagnosed, it dawned on me how funny it was because all of the characteristics that make it clear that he’s on the spectrum are all of the reasons that I fell madly in love with him. That’s the truth. He says whatever is on his mind. He keeps it so real, you know? He doesn’t care about social norms or what you expect him to say or do. You know, if I say to him, like, “Does this look like shit?” He’ll go, “Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes. Why don’t you wear those?” I’m like… “Okay.”

But he can also make me feel more beautiful than anyone ever has my whole life. Yeah, it’s true. And he can’t lie. Is that the dream man, a guy who can’t lie? But that also means that he can’t lie for me. Which is an essential part of any relationship. We’re friends with this couple, and they broke up, and the guy started dating a new girl pretty soon after, and we happened to be at the party where they got together, so I didn’t rush to tell the ex-girlfriend what happened. So a couple of months later, we had dinner with her, and she was like, “And, you know, at that party, that’s when they got together.” And I was like… “No! It’s not possible.” And Chris goes… “No, you remember.” “No. No, I don’t.” “Yeah, remember? ‘Cause you said, ‘Oh, my God, he’s leaving with her.'” “Thank you, Chris! Thank you. I guess I forgot about that.”

Also, one of the the signs of autism is you don’t make sort of the… appropriate facial expression for the occasion you’re at. So we were gonna go on a red carpet together for the first time, and we were practicing his smiles, you know, and we didn’t land on one that we were in love with. So we were out of time, so I said, “Just… This is what I do. Just think about something you love, you know?” And he loves the ocean, so… So we went out there and it worked, but it worked too well. ‘Cause in all the pictures, I’m doing my normal bullshit, and he was like… I noticed. I was like, “A pond. Just like you’re glancing at a pond. Pull it back.”

It’s exciting being pregnant. It’s not all bad. The best part about it is not getting your period. Yeah. That’s the silver uterine lining, if you want to look for one. That’s nice because, you know, what I realized, right before I got pregnant, I noticed… how ashamed… we’ve all been made to feel about getting our period… our whole lives. Like we choose it, you know? Like, “Can’t kick my bleeding habit, you know? I just want it. I want to do it.” It’s supposed to be, you know, a secret. The second you get it, your mom goes, “You’re a woman now. And that’s disgusting. Never let anyone know of your filthy secret.” And you’re like, “Okay. I’m 12. I’m ready to handle this.” This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box. ♪ Rainbow Brite Stars are shining bright ♪ And it is. That’s the most embarrassing thing that could possibly happen to you as a kid, that someone knows you have your period, or they see you have your period. At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections, right? But then they grow up and show them to everyone. Maybe that’s what we should do. I don’t know. Call a coworker into your office. “Carl… Psst. Come in here. Close the door.” “Carl, you’re getting very sleepy.” All this talk about dick pics, how about a tamp pic? You up?

If you’re still in a position where you’re getting dick pics, ladies, I have a suggestion for you. When you get a dick pic… send back… a dick pic. You go, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were exchanging our favorite dick pics. Dick for dick, pic for pic, no? I thought…”

Why are we made to feel so ashamed of a natural bodily function that ultimately brings life, you know? It’s like… If you forget a tampon, you have to bum one from somebody. What we all do is, first, you look around… like you’re going to say something racist, just like… And whatever race you thought I meant, that’s your problem. And… Then you kind of lean in, and we don’t even say the whole sentence. We kind of go… “Does anybody have a…” “Tampon?” What is this? What’s the claw? That’s how disgusted we are with ourselves. “Does anyone have a tampon?” And I notice myself do it. I was in a gym locker room. Thank you. And… And there were a bunch of women in there, and I… And this woman across the locker room with so much confidence was like, “Oh, yeah, I do. What size?” And, like, obviously, I know there are different sizes of tampons, but I’ve never been confronted… …with that question before, you know? She’s like, “Yeah, what’s the circumference of your pussy hole? Grande or venti? What are we plugging, bitch? I’ve got Pilates. What is it?” Then all the other women in the locker room kinda lean in to hear… …my answer, you know? I’m just like… “I don’t know. Do you have, like, a… super Grand Canyon? I don’t know. Just throw me a futon mattress. I’ll just kind of squat over it.”

My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard. Whoo! Can’t wait. Take up more space. Lean in! It’s already grown. It just grows over the years. I know because, I mean, when I was younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there and then just walk around all day. At night, I swear it would still be in the same place, just… Whoop! Now… if I have a yeast infection, which I do… and I try to put one of those Monistat suppositories in, it just falls right on the floor. Whoop! Be careful. They’re very slippery. I do. I have a yeast infection. I’m gonna address it ’cause I have to do the pinch. You guys know the pinch. Ladies, just a quick, little pinch.

But I’m really excited about this. We don’t even need tampons anymore. There’s a new invention. – You guys know what I’m talking about? – DivaCup! No, not the DivaCup. That is terrifying. Um… The DivaCup… Do you know what it is? It’s like this little cup you store in the back of your vagina, and it collects… and at the end of the day, you pull it out and you kinda Kill Bill. Just kind of… No! It’s a lot. It’s too much for me. I respect you if you can handle the DivaCup. Such a confident name. “I’m a Diva.” No. It’s more exciting than the DivaCup. It’s a new invention called THINX. Yes. Yeah, you don’t need a tampon. They’re just these underwear that you just bleed into. Which I guess… makes me a fucking inventor. Ah! Who knew? Should I go on Shark Tank? “Sharks…”

Did anyone have a mom like me who didn’t really trust tampons and made them only wear a pad? Right? And millennials, if you don’t know what a pad is, congratulations, and… A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper that you… …coil betwixt your legs, and… just kinda waddle around all day wearing it, just… Crunch! Crunch! Kinda always sounds like there’s a killer right behind you. They were great. Yeah. Little adhesive wings. They’d always stick right to your pubes. It was a treat. It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it. I’m sorry. Millennials… pubes… Anybody remember pubes? I miss my mom’s bush. Did you guys see your mom’s bush growing up? It’s kind of comforting, right? The first time you see it, I’ll never forget. I remember I walked in the bathroom to say goodnight. I was like, “Mom! Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night.” I remember Mom’s bush.

I also had one of those moms… who told me, “You only have to shave up to your knee.” Right? “Just shave up to your knee.” I’d say, “Mom, I’m pretty hairy up…” “No! The knee.” “Okay.” I’d be at the community pool. People are like… “Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?”

But I have to give it up for my mom. She made me so confident. She just straight lied to me as a kid. It’s tough to say “confident”… as a woman, you know? You put on TV. We see all these gorgeous women. We have to compete with what’s her face, the Mother of Dragons. What’s her name? – Khaleesi! – Kris Jenner. It’s just… It’s tough. It’s tough out there. No, I love the Kardashians. The Kardashians are so confident, they confuse me about my own confidence. So before I was pregnant, I was kind of like feeling myself one day, and I bought lingerie. Like… the real shit. Like… the, you know, fishnets, and then… like the pulley system here. You know? Thought they would’ve updated that technology, but it’s still a pulley system, and then, you know, the boost… Whatever it’s called. And… You know, I went. I paid for it. I tried it on at home, you know, where I could take my own life, and… In the safety of home, and… I tried it on, and I was kind of ready to blow my own mind. I kind of sidled up to the mirror, and I check myself out, and I was like, “Oh. This isn’t for everybody. Hmm. Okay.” I looked like I should have been on Law & Order, like, “He went that way.” My fishnets looked like they’d caught an actual fish.

It was… It was pretty confusing. It’s tough to say “confident” as a girl. I don’t know what I’m having. I hope it’s a girl. Um… But really just because it’s such a scary time for men. Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much for leaving your houses tonight. I just… God. First responders, just… so brave. I don’t know if men know how scared we are as women all the time. Like, one in three of us will be assaulted at some point in our lives. If you’re a woman of color, it’s even more than that. If you’re a trans woman, forget it. At night in New York, if I take the subway at night, I will run home. Women, we run home. Not for the cardio. It’s true. When you walk to your car in a dark parking lot, what do you ladies do? We do the little makeshift brass knuckle with our key, right? I don’t know what our plan is with that key in our knuckle. “Oh, no, you don’t! Ahh! Not on my watch. Boop-boop!” I mean…

There was a study done, and it said that women mostly fear violence. That’s our number one fear. And the same study showed that men’s number one fear… was ridicule. Oh… Yeah, God! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you guys were going through that. It must be so hard for you. Do you guys run home? Because you’re afraid of somebody telling a little jokey about you? I think that we need to start from scratch, you know? I’m so grateful to this new generation of women that came along and they’re like, “Hey, have you been getting sexually harassed like this your whole lives?” And we’re like, “Oh, yeah!” And they’re like, “Yeah. You wanna do something about that?” And we’re like, “Oh, yeah. That’s a very good idea.” They’re like, “Yeah.” And we’re like, “Oh.” We’re so used to it, you know? You’re at work, and you’re like, “I have to make every guy think that we also might fuck and do a good job.” It’s not fair.

It’s not fair to men either. You guys are raised with so much pressure to be so masculine at such a young age. It’s bullshit. It sucks. It’s like a six-year-old kid crying. “Stop crying, you little pussy.” We toughen them up at a young age so they don’t get made fun of, and then, as little girls, you’re in school with these boys, and when a little boy is mean to you or he teases you, what does everybody say? – He likes you. – “He likes you.” Ooh! You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Whoo! Looks like somebody has a little boyfriend at school. That’s a good thing.” And you’re like, “Oh. That’s a good thing! Okay! I’m the luckiest girl in school.” “He pushed me down the stairs.” “You’re going to prom!” “Prom!” Right? Then we grow up and we all have friends who were like, “Why do I only date assholes?” ‘Cause you’ve been trained to do that since you were a toddler. You know, we have friends who are like, “You should see us when we’re alone. He’s still really mean to me, but it’s not as embarrassing.” It doesn’t occur to us to be with someone who’s kind until we’re, like, almost dead, you know?

I mean, who cares? We’re about to lose our rights, anyway. Right, ladies? Take ’em. I’m sick of it. Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape. I’m ready. Done washing my hair all the time. I mean, look at us making decisions about our own bodies. Who do we think we are? Men? Come on! Decisions are hard. Rights feel heavy. I want people who know better than anyone making the decisions about my body. I want to call up Mitch McConnell and be like, “Girl! My discharge is brown, baby girl. What should I do? Mitch! Chuck Grassley, I’ve got cramps. Am I ovulating, queen? Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this. What you think? You guys know.”

Maybe some of you heard I got arrested in October. Thank you. Thank you. God’s work. Um… I went down to DC to get arrested. The different news outlets wrote about it. Like, “Schumer’s been detained,” like I was just on a walking tour of the Washington Monument. But I went down there to oppose Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation. Thank you, sisters. Men, you can clap too. Spoiler alert. It didn’t go our way. The whole way down, I was really nervous about getting arrested. I’ve been arrested before, obviously, but… But I was obsessed with the fear of being hungry. You know, while I was locked up. So… It probably would have been like that before I was pregnant, but that just doubled it, so the whole way down… And, you know, we get down there, and… it was really intense and really emotional, and… We were gonna get arrested on the Capitol steps, but they barricaded those, so we all rush into the Hart Building, where the senators’ offices are, and we all flood in this hallway, and, you know, the banners are flying and the Capitol police are closing in, and we know we’re about to be arrested, and everyone’s chanting, “No justice, no peace,” and, “We believe survivors. We believe survivors.” And I know we’re about to be arrested, so I am… ramming snacks in my mouth. I am… Everyone’s, “We Believe,” and I’m… And the Capitol police are looking at me like, “What the fuck?” I’m like… Just Cookie Monster, crumbling shit on my face. I got arrested with my friend, Emily Ratajkowski, who’s a supermodel, like gorgeous, you know. And she’s in this hot outfit, and she’s like, “We believe survivors,” and I’m in a Department of Sanitation shirt, and I’m like… “Ahh!” And some people criticized me. They were like, “That was irresponsible. You’re pregnant.” And I was like, “That’s why I went down there.” I want to be able to tell this kid I did everything I could. You know? And D.C., I heard, has the best cocaine, so… My friend said it’s fine.

Uh… A baby. Guys, what the fuck am I doing? We have no idea what we’re doing. We have some books at home, and every week, there’s a terrifying video saying what’s going on in the baby’s development. “This week, your baby is growing fur and eating you from the inside.” I’m glad I found a good partner, you know? Like, he’s solid as hell. Yeah. I just… I didn’t have the energy for dating anymore, like… Remember when you hook up with someone the first time? Do you remember you used to undress each other? Know what I’m talking about? They do that in movies. So you’re like… It’s always hard. In movies… But you’re like, okay, a braided belt, and there is the silver thing. And then, oh, a button fly. I’ll just kind of yank it. And your sock. Am I in fucking retail? Take your own shit off. My back hurts. I was in bed with my husband the other night. I was holding our dog, and my husband just took off my underwear. And I looked over at him and I was like, “Oh, no.” That’s crazy, you know. He was kind of like, “Okay.” Like he didn’t give a shit too much, you know. And we’re lying there, and I’m like… “Can you put my underwear back on?” Such sad foreshadowing watching him, like, dress my lifeless body.

We were at the gynecologist a couple months ago, and I asked, “Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?” And she was like, “Yes, it is safe to have sex through the whole pregnancy.” And I was like, “We’ll be seeking a second opinion.” That’s fucking… I was trying to signal her, you know. “Hey. Do you think it’s safe… for us to have sex? Do you think it would probably kill the baby and we shouldn’t do it?” She’s like, “No, it’s safe the whole time.” I was like, “Okay. Okay.” Do you want me to come to your house to tell your husband he can fuck you? ‘Cause people tell you. You’re like, wow, that was fast. “Last time we saw you, you were single, Amy, and you already don’t want to fuck your husband?” I usually do, but I have hyperemesis. And you know everyone says, “When you get married, get ready to stop having sex.” And we were like, “Not us. We’re fucking for life,” you know. Now he, like, touches my shoulder on the couch, and I’m like, “Can I help you? I’m over here. You’re over there.”

The spontaneity is over. Thank God. You know, when you’re first falling in love, like you might always have sex. Every time you pee, you’ve gotta make sure you clean the toilet paper out of your pussy. Every time you pee. Every time. That is over. I have, like, half a roll of Charmin in there right now. Yeah. I’m psyched to be done. I am. Especially dating someone new, you know. And I’m glad I married someone, he’s my age. We’re the same age, so… You know, we both grew up without Internet porn. That’s a huge deal, right? Like, you know, now I feel like you can’t fuck a millennial without them being like, “Can you dress like an emoji?” You’re like, “No!” What the fuck? No. And there’s so many different types of porn. It’s crazy. One of the biggest searches is “gag porn.” Have you heard of that? That’s where the girl gags on the guy’s penis because it’s too darn big. I personally never had the plesh. I just wanted to remind you that I’ve never struggled with it, even though… You remember the size of my mouth, right? Do you remember how big my mouth is? Just like a tiny bow. You could put… Okay, yeah. You remember. Gag porn. Like that one… That one is strange to me. Like you’re clicking on all these different windows. Nothing, nothing. And then a girl’s like… And you’re like, “Mmm, wait a minute. What have we here?” Maximize screen. “Okay. Okay.” If you’re into gag porn, you should’ve been living at my house the last five months. You’d be hard as a rock. Something else I won’t miss, and this is my PSA… to men. A lot of men don’t really understand how to put themselves inside you. Not really. Even missionary. They’re… You know, they’re… It’s the wrong hole, or not a hole. You’re like, “You have to use an existing hole, sir.” You’re not going to confuse my body into making a new hole. But most guys can figure it out, but you really realize that they don’t understand where our hole goes when they’re behind you, right? ‘Cause during some sex, it’s always I don’t know whose suggestion to not look at your face anymore. “How about you turn around?” “Oh, okay.” You look back over the shoulder, they’re like, “Nope!” You’re like, “Okay. I’ll be here.” That’s when you know because there’s a whole population of men who, once they get back there behind you, they’ll kneel back there and just wait. Dick in the wind. And you’re up here, like… “Uh… We’re rolling.” And you realize that he’s waiting for you… who’s on all fours… …to reach back… and put him inside you. You’re like, “Oh, you want me to…? Oh, Okay. Uh… Yeah. I’ll just use my head as, like, a kickstand, just… Yeah. No, it makes sense. I have the better angle here. You want to back the garage up to the car, is what…?” Okay. Nope, it’s fine. You’ve had a long day making more money than me. Here I come.” Luckily, my husband does not have that problem. Because… of that joke.

I know I talk so much shit about, uh, my pregnancy, and it has not been easy, but we’re so fucking excited, and I do feel really lucky that I was able to get pregnant. Yeah. So I… was single, you know, most of my life, and felt pretty happy. I love my family and friends, and I feel really satisfied with work, and… kind of had accepted that, you know? And then I just happened… to meet this guy, and if you’re out there and you’re dating and you’re just thinking, “Why can’t I meet the right one?” It’s not that you haven’t met the right one yet. I wish someone had told me this. It’s not that you haven’t met the right one yet. It’s just… that you have to wait… for them to get tired. No one told me, right? Because men in their 20s and their 30s are just running around. And then their late 30s, they’re like, “Oh, God! Phew. Oh, God!” And that’s when you come along and you go… “Come on.” And they’re like, “Where are we going?” And you’re like… “We’re going to sit on the couch and watch Bravo till we die.”

Thank you so much, Chicago. I love you.

I realized how ashamed I was of my period. Excuse me. The baby. Right now, every fart’s a gamble. Fart roulette. My money’s on brown. Um… So they’re flashing a light that says that I need to get some makeup because I’m sweating like a monster. All right. You guys can only see that I’m sweating here, but if there was a camera in my asshole… This is all my hair I bought. There are these two people right in the front row here. I’m not going to look at them, but these two people. And like… They’re, like, truly horrified by everything I’m saying. I’m like, “Did you guys think you were seeing Godspell?” Okay. I promise it’s not going to get any better, you guys.


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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