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Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact (2023) | Transcript

In her new comedy special, Emergency Contact, Amy Schumer once again talks about her life in an uncensored and hilarious way.
Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact (2023)

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[Amy] Thank you so much, LA. Please, thank you. LA!

[audience cheering]

Don’t make me like you. Oh, my God, there’s, like, some young people up front. Like how… how old are you?

[woman] Twenty-seven.

[Amy] Twenty-seven. Oh… remember?

[audience laughing]

Remember 27? [sighs] God, you’re so cute and everything’s still up high and… You’re wearing heels. You’re gonna… Someday, you’re gonna… These are gonna be your heels. Okay?

[audience laughing]

Right here. To me, these are heels now. Okay? There’s an orthopedic insert in here.

What’s your name?

[woman] Libby.

“Libby.” That’s so cute. Twenty-seven. Libby. Oh, my God. Do you drink? Are you a drinker? Little bit? Okay. Here’s the kind of drinking I’ve been doing lately, okay, on this tour. Like, yesterday is the only day I didn’t drink, and I drank. Do you know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

[Amy] You know? You don’t count it ’cause it was less than five. Started early, yeah. So I don’t count that, yeah. ‘Cause I, uh… I used to black out, Libby. Last week. And, uh… Nothing good ever happens in a black-out, right? I’ve never woken up, like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out? Wow.”

[audience laughing]

“Who cleaned?” No. No. Wake up with a potato skin like an eye patch. Dried ice cream on my neck. I hope!

[audience laughing]

[audience whistling]

[Amy] Can’t drink like we used to, huh? I just turned 40. Again.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Thank you. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. And, uh, you know, I’ve always preached confidence for women. You know, to feel great in your own skin. Right? And then the day I turned 40, I took my skin and I got it lasered. Hm…

[audience laughing]

[Amy] So, Libby, what laser is… is they shoot a laser at your face. Okay, you pay them money, a lot of money, and in return they shoot you in the face with a laser beam. The thing that in the Ocean’s Eleven bank heist movies, they’re trying to avoid to get the money. You, instead, put your face in front of them. It’s incredible what laser does. What happens is… you turn blood-red, but then the skin falls off your face. But then, six-to-eight weeks later… you look exactly the same.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[Amy] Amazing, right? It’s just incredible what they can do now. Just… I got filler in my face. Uh, then they dissolved it, ’cause, as it turns out, I was already full. I… [chuckles] Tom… Tom, you’re doing “A” cam, right? Can you get in close on this in case people don’t know? So, my face… Someone, just because they were wearing a white lab coat, talked me into needing more volume up here. Okay? It already looks like I’m storing nuts for the winter. [makes munching sound] I came home, scared the shit out of my husband. Just bleeding. Just needle marks. He’s like, “Holy fuck, were you in a fire?”

[audience laughing]

I’m like, “I wasn’t not in a fire.” “Wait until my laser kicks in, babe. You’re gonna be hard as a rock.” I got lipo, and then I, in record time, gained the weight back. Lipo is the laziest thing I’ve personally ever done. That was my way of saying, “I would rather have major surgery… than be a little hungry once.”

[audience laughing]

That’s the truth. I’m never hungry. I never let it get to that, you know? I feel it coming about an hour away and that’s when I combat it. You know? You know, I’m doing my best. I had a baby. Not bad for a year. Right?

[audience cheering]

It’s been three.

[audience laughing]

And a half. But, uh… You ever get handed a new insecurity when you weren’t really expecting it? Someone will just kinda mosey up and hit you with it. They’ll just… “Hey, you know who you look like?” I go, “No, thanks.”

[audience laughing]

“I’m not open to that feedback right now. Thank you.” It’s never somebody good, right? It’s never a model. It’s always, like, their fucked-up cousin. “Look!” [sighs] I just got handed a new insecurity by a trusted friend. It’s when you’re feeling safe that someone will hit you with something they thought you’d already accepted about yourself. You know, she goes, “You know how you’re short-waisted?” I was like, “Yes! What?”

[audience laughing]

She’s like, “You know the way your ass goes all the way to your armpit, and you don’t really…” “Like an ostrich! Cool! Okay, good! Good!” “I love that!” But I just got hit with a new insecurity that rocked me. I was getting acupuncture to see if I could still feel, and, uh… He’s working on me, and with so much enthusiasm, like it wasn’t a big deal, he says to me, “Did you know that you have a hump?”

[audience laughing]

I said, “My lovely lady lumps?”

[audience cheering]

“Check it out!” Right? He’s like, “No, you have a hump.” And I do. I’ll show you. On the back of my neck, okay, don’t miss out on this shot, Tom. Get in here. Okay? Check that out. I… Someone goes, “Oh, yeah!” Yes, I do. I’m humped, okay. Like a whale, or a camel. Or that guy who loves Notre-Dame. I… found out in my 40s that all this time I’ve been rocking a hump. I said, “What do we do?” He goes, “I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” “So you just needed me to know?” He goes, “It’s called a ‘widow’s hump.'” I’m like, “I’m all set with info about that. Thank you.” He said, “Well, just try holding your neck back further.”

[audience laughing]

“Like this?” He said, “Yeah, that’s good.” “Okay, yeah. Less hump. Is this…?” So, I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, “Do I have a hump?” And… I don’t want you to be shy. You’re a little em… Just feel free. Just go in there and feel. The way you’ll know, is when you run your finger down your neck, you’ll run into a hump.

[audience laughing]

So that’s my little secret insecurity. Okay? I’m humped. We all have some little secret insecurity, right? Like… I just met someone, and I don’t think their insecurity can be a secret. Okay, now, this story really happened. Okay? My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Very last minute. We think we were a last-minute fill-in. Not a big deal. We go to the party, and it was at this really rich guy’s house. We never met him before. Right before we go in, our friend who invited us says, “Oh, just so you know, he’s blind, but it’s a secret.”

[audience laughing]

I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” “From who?” She’s like, “Well, um, he doesn’t acknowledge it, and everyone around him acts like it’s not happening.” I’m like, “You can be that rich that you’re just not blind?” Turns out, yeah. So… I was glad she gave me a heads-up, you know, ’cause, like, I have no impulse control. In ten seconds in his house, I would have been like, “Are you fucking blind?” I was glad she gave me a heads-up, ’cause… Sometimes people give you a heads-up for things that aren’t necessary, and it makes everything awkward. You know? Someone will be, like, “Okay, and he’s Black.” “Should I change the music?” What are you talking about? You don’t have to warn me about, you know… Or, “And she’s gay.” “Oh, should I eat her out?”

“Is that…?”

[audience laughing]

It’s a weird warning, but, uh… But, “He’s blind and it’s a secret”? Thank you. A “secret blind” is a heads-up I want. So… So we go in and… he’s blind. Okay? He’s in the kitchen, because he’s cooking. And you could tell… He’s looking up. He says, “Hey, great to meet you. No shaking hands. Covid.” And we’re like, “That’s why.”

Uh…

[audience laughing]

And he offers us a drink. I said, “Sure, yeah. Great.” So I went over to grab a glass, and I am not kidding you, I turn around, and he’s like this.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

All night, shit like this is happening. People just clean it up and act like it didn’t happen. Keep it moving. Dinner took nine years to cook. We’re all sitting around pretending to eat and, uh… I’m keeping the conversation going. I’m trying to fill the air, but I kept on talking about vision by accident. You don’t realize how much you talk about it, you know. I… I actually said this sentence, okay, to a blind person. I said, “Is anyone watching The Watcher?”

[audience laughing]

What? That’s a double-blind. I fucked up. His girlfriend was there. I said, “How long have you guys been seeing each other?” Fucking fuck. “Smelling her?” Um… This rich guy. In his late 50s. Had a very young girlfriend. Very young. I’m like, “Let me guess, she’s an old soul.” Right? Isn’t that the story, LA? Twenty-three-year-old pussy, but what an old soul on the gal. Wait until you get a load of her soul! Yeah. And I don’t think it’s cool to make fun of blind people. I just don’t think you can be a secret blind. Okay? And if there’s gonna be one group of people that’s really mad at me, that feels like a safe one.

[audience laughing]

“We’re gonna get you!” Are you?

[audience laughing]

I shouldn’t be baiting the crowd like this. I really shouldn’t. People ask, “Is this a dangerous time for comedians?” You know, I don’t know if you saw, Chappelle got tackled on-stage. And just all this crazy shit’s been happening. When they ask, I’m like, “Yes.” “I’m on the front lines every night.” Like, no. Not if you’re me, you know. Maybe if you’re them, you have these spry… I’m like, “My people are like me. Okay?” We’re tired.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] Nobody’s tackling anybody. We’re all too tired. I don’t know about you, here’s where I am with my energy level lately. If I sit down and realize I didn’t grab the remote…

[audience laughing]

I’ll just sit there… for as long as it takes. Right? There’s one of us in every relationship. The piece of shit. Right? You just sit there. You wait for your partner to come in. “Hey, can you grab the remote?” It’s like, “Have you been sitting here for two hours?” Goes to sit down. “And also can you get me another drink? Oh.” What else is going on in my life? Oh, I have a little boy.

[audience cheering]

A little boy. Yeah. I don’t know if I’m a good parent. I think I’m just getting used to failing. Is that what being a parent is? Just… Just bombing. It’s like stand-up. You know, you just get used to it. I just… I don’t think anybody’s failed as hard as I did, as quickly, though. Do you know what I named my son? Let me walk you through it, okay? Listen up, Libby. So… Our son’s first name is Gene. Okay? Gene. Basic. We named him after my husband’s mom, who passed away, which is very sad, of course.

[audience laughing]

But also, to not… have a mother-in-law…

[audience laughing]

It sounds like somebody has a lucky hump. So… Very sad, of course. My husband’s last name is Fischer. That’s why I, Amy, didn’t take it.

[audience laughing]

It’s… You might be a little young for this reference, Libby, but… Google “Amy Fisher” when you get home. And, uh, it’s not good. So… Then came his middle name, and that’s… That’s where I fucked up. Okay? I, uh, I wanted to pay tribute to my favorite comedian, my good friend, Mr. Dave Attell. – All right. So I…

[small cheer]

That’s about right. So I…

[audience laughing]

Truly my favorite comedian of all time. So we gave him the middle name “Attell.” So I was about a month into being a new mom, sitting on the couch when I realized that I’ve named my son… “Genital Fissure.”

[audience laughing]

Anybody ever fuck up like that? I don’t think so. We changed his middle name as soon as we realized. I think it’s better. We changed it to “Fingerbang Shit-Snatch.” Is that better? Or… Is anybody here pregnant? Any pregnant people here? Oh, congratulations. Are you keeping it?

[audience laughing]

Hey, we’re in one of the states where we still have a choice. Right?

[audience cheering]

Can you believe it? In Wisconsin, I didn’t want to ask the crowd. You know? It’s, like, yeah. They could always drive to Illinois. Just recommending. But, uh… Yeah. People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? They love it. They just love it. The whole time I was pregnant, I have this one friend, she’d always tell me, She’s like, “You have to do prenatal yoga.” “It really helps with the birth. Prenatal yoga.” So I immediately signed up for a C-section.

[audience laughing]

Because, fuck that, okay? If I’m ever in downward dog, I fell. Upward humpback Jew. That’s my resting pose, right here. I did. I had a… I had a C. Came out the sunroof. And, uh… You know, some women feel like they failed if they don’t give birth vaginally. And the only thing that really comforts me is my still-perfect pussy. It’s really…

[audience cheering]

No, it’s not. It’s not good. Trust me. Things still shift, you know what I mean? I don’t… I don’t know what it is. When I take a bath, I feel like I fill up. You know? I just kinda… floating in there. Just… Just kind of squishing around after for hours. But they tell you, no matter how you give birth, C-section, vaginal… They almost never come out of your asshole.

They tell you…

[audience laughing]

The doctor is very serious right after you give birth. They say, “Now, listen, you cannot have sex for six weeks.” “Okay? No sex. Six weeks.” I’m like, “Okay, let me write that down. Six…” I’m like, “Oh, wait, remember when you just, uh, Wolverine’d my FUPA open?”

[audience laughing]

How about six years? That’s when I think I’ll want to do that again. “His foot got caught on my intestines on the way out.” “When can I get raw-dogged from behind?” [chuckles] These… “I need dick!” Like, who’s…? “Five weeks?” Yeah, okay. I had this awful condition while I was pregnant called hyperemesis gravidarum. Severe nausea and vomiting, the whole pregnancy. I was so relieved when I was diagnosed, it was like six months in. I was like, “Okay, we know what it is. What do we do?” And they explained to me, “We haven’t been able to study it because it only happens to women.”

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

“But if your husband wants, we have chewable Viagra.” Which is a real product. Because, sometimes, it’s scary to take a pill.

[audience laughing]

“I wanna get hard, but I don’t want to take a pill.”

[audience cheering]

“Okay, you can chew it. Okay.” I have severe endometriosis. Very painful. A debilitating disease. About 10% of women have that. There are no studies. But if your dick curves slightly one way, they got you, bro! Any dick-mergency, the Paw Patrol is on the way! Got a hysterectomy this year. Wanted to lose those last three pounds, am I right, ladies? [chuckles] No. I had to get it removed because of my endometriosis. And, uh… It was a big surgery. They took out my uterus, they found cysts in my ovaries. They found a tumor in my appendix. But the craziest thing they found was that my liver was fine.

[audience laughing]

It’s such a fun New York moment right after that surgery. I was walking around feeling sorry for myself, and there was this group of big meathead dudes. One of them recognized me and goes, “Hey! Amy Schumer!” “How you doing?” I was feeling kind of honest. You know, I was like, “Not great. I just had my uterus removed.”

[audience laughing]

And his response made me feel so much better. He goes, “Oh, no!”

[audience laughing]

“You should get it back!” I’m like, “That’s not…” “That’s not really how that works, but thank you, sir.” I feel so much better after getting that surgery, the laparoscopy and all that. I, uh… If you have endometriosis… The only way I can describe how much better I feel, is like if you ever saw Willy Wonka, you know those old people that are all in that bed, 69-ing all day, like…

[audience laughing]

[moans] And the one grandpa gets the golden ticket and he gets out and clicks his heels. Like, that’s me. You know… That’s how much better I feel. I’m like a new person… I’m a new mom. You know, I can run with my son now. I don’t, but, uh… You know. I, uh… We had a medical emergency in the audience last weekend on the road. It was very strange. I learned a lot about my crowd. It was in the balcony. This guy was having a seizure. He’s fine. You know, I… I didn’t follow up. But I’m assuming, you know, I would have heard. No, he’s fine. But, uh… But in the moment it was scary. We had to turn the house lights on. This is when I learned about my crowd, because I was like, “We need a doctor! Go!” Not one.

[audience laughing]

The entire audience, not one doctor. So I’m like, okay, “Nurses!” And there were like 40 nurses but they were all hammered.

[audience laughing]

They’re like, “We’re not on-call. Fuck you!” I was like, “Fair.” Thank God for our nurses. You know?

[audience cheering]

Yeah. Fuck yeah. I really couldn’t… couldn’t sleep after that. It was just… It was alarming, you know? It was like… I mean, I can never sleep anyway. I’m such a bad sleeper. Whenever I say that, somebody is like, “Have you tried melatonin?”

[audience laughing]

“CBD?” I’m like, “I need heroin, okay?” Fucking melatonin. Get outta here. I mean, they told us how we can get better sleep. We all know the advice, right? They said, “If you want the best night of sleep of your life, an hour before you go to bed, turn your phone off.” What do we all say? “No.”

[audience laughing]

“That’s crazy.” “Oh, you don’t care about sleep?” I care about sleep more than anything in the world. I’ll take any pill, I’ll have any surgery. “Why not just 15 minutes before you go to bed, power down?” “Fuck you!”

[audience laughing]

I need to be staring into the abyss of my phone as I’m falling asleep, okay? Plus, I need to be reading something. I’m eating. [scoffs]

[audience laughing]

They did do one study on women. You may have read about this. They found that social media is harmful to young girls. Thank you, NASA. We know. Right? Since we’ve been in town, I saw this group of girls, maybe 12 years old. These little girls were taking selfies. You know, and they knew their angles. Know what I’m saying? Maybe some people don’t know. Like… Like, your angles… Okay. Like, see how my leg looks if you look straight on? Get a shot of this, Tom. Look at that. Disgusting.

[audience laughing]

What is that, Gollum? That’s heinous. Now watch this. Bam! Whoa! Everyone’s hard.

[audience laughing]

And they knew their good side, these 12-year-old girls. They see so many pictures of themselves. Like, I’m 41. I know my angles. Okay? At this point, the photographer gets in a tree, and I dig a deep trench. I kinda get down there… That’s me. That’s where I shine, you know? Twelve years old. Remember when we were 12? Somebody took a picture of us once a year.

[audience laughing]

Right? Maybe twice if we had a school dance. Right? Somebody’s dad had a camera. It was like, “Whoa! I didn’t know Lindsay was rich! Her dad has a whole camera!” We didn’t know our angles. They’d say, “Cheese!” And we’d all just kinda… [grunts] Looked like we were shitting ourselves. Because we were. Because all we ate was dairy. Right? We didn’t have oat milk, or almond milk, or Erewhon.

[audience laughing]

We had whole milk. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled-cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy, goddamn it.

[audience cheering]

Right? I don’t know, Libby. Twenty-seven. What would it be like to be 27 now? You grew up seeing so many more pictures of yourself. Here’s a good thing. You are definitely vaccinated for chicken pox. Probably don’t even know it. Remember our vaccine for chicken pox? Is that your mom would push you in a room…

[audience laughing]

…with neighbors who had them, just… [groans] She’d go, “Get it!” That was our vaccine. “Go get it!” Horrifying. You’re definitely vaccinated for HPV. And I feel bad for you. You’re missing out on an important character-building experience.

[audience laughing]

We all had it. All my friends, we all got it. Admitted it to each other after college. We’re all crying. “I’m a whore!” [mock crying] “I’m gonna have to tell all my future partners!” Never told one person. [mock crying] We all got it. I’m still really close with my girls from high school. I feel so lucky about that friendship. Yeah. It’s the best. I realized though… that we text each other like we’re fucking. Like, I text them in this intimate way I would never text my husband. You know? I’ll be like… “Text me the second you’re home safe.” “Home.” “Thank God.”

[audience laughing]

“Your ass in those jeans tonight, what?” “When can we be together again?” If Chris ever got a text like that from me, he’d think I was fucking kidnapped. He’d call the police. I was out drinking with my girlfriends one night. And, uh… We were talking about how lazy we’ve gotten, sexually. And, uh, I was like, “What if we text all of our husbands ‘Do you want to have phone sex right now?'” We were crying we were laughing so hard. We thought… We thought it was so funny. And we did it, and we got such different responses from these dudes. My husband wrote back the fastest, okay, and he just wrote, “Fuck you.”

[audience laughing]

Okay. That’s fair. It’s what I deserve. You know? And my friend Jess’ husband, we declared the loser because he just wrote, “Too tired.”

[audience laughing]

We’re such hypocrites. We were pissed. And then, uh… My friend Caroline’s husband said, uh, “When the kids go to bed.” Not bad. But the winner, we declared, was my friend Andrea’s husband, who just immediately called. Hello?

[audience laughing]

Joke was on her. She had to have phone sex with her husband that night. She answered like she was in a horror film. “Hello?” I love my girls. They’re all teachers and nurses from Long Island. and they, uh… Yeah. Teachers.

[audience cheering]

Holy shit. Thank you, teachers. They came with me when I hosted the Oscars. They were on the red carpet with me, and it was… It was so fun having them there. And they were so excited. At first.

[audience laughing]

Just… We just get used to shit so quick, don’t we? These girls, at first they’re so starstruck. They’re like, [gasps] “There’s Ryan Reynolds!” And, “Is that Taylor Swift?” And then 20 minutes later, my friend Jess walks over smoking a cigarette. She’s like, “Meryl Streep’s chatty.”

[audience laughing]

[exhales] This bitch. You know? I love my girls. We all got married. I can’t believe we got married. We, uh… All of us. I’ve only been married for five years, but this is what I think marriage is so far. I think marriage is finding someone who can stand you.

[audience laughing]

Is that too romantic? Find someone who can fucking stand you. Especially during the pandemic when we were all just home, just… Staring at each other. Judging. Waiting to criticize each other. “You gonna chew like that?”

[audience laughing]

“No. No.” “Didn’t know if you’re trying to wake the neighbors ’cause it’s so loud. But no.” My husband… We were fighting… What was our last fight? Oh, we went to see Top Gun. Anybody see Top Gun?

[audience cheering]

It was cute, right? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology?

[audience laughing]

I dragged him there. I wanted to see it in the theater. You know, we were fighting. I don’t remember what about. I remember I was right. But, uh… But… This is why I like being married because it’s, you know, he said, “I don’t even want to be near you right now.” Before we were married, I would have been like… But I’m like, “Can I have your wallet? I still want to see Top Gun.”

[audience laughing]

Kinda throws it to me. He leaves. I just walked to the movie. I’m like, “Fuck this guy. I’ll see him at home. [mutters] Half a block later, he’s back walking next to me. Gave him his wallet. We didn’t talk about it. Just moved on. Gotta keep it moving. Right? Keep it moving. But he can stand me. Do you guys know who Hilaria Baldwin is?

[audience laughing]

I’m saying it wrong. I’m sorry. [Spanish accent] Hilaria… Baldwin. [normal accent] Okay. So, I just can’t wrap my head around this story. If you don’t know who I mean, this is Alec Baldwin’s wife. Okay? And I met her years ago, backstage at SNL. Alec was like, “I want you to meet my wife.” And I saw her, and I said, “No, thank you.”

[audience laughing]

I’m trying to hang on to my self-esteem. Okay? She is a tiny Disney princess, and I… look like Ben Roethlisberger from most angles. She came over. [Spanish accent] “I’m Hilaria from Espania.” [normal accent] Very thick Spanish accent. Okay? From Spain. You might have seen her on a morning show doing a cooking demonstration where she had trouble remembering how to pronounce the word [Spanish accent] “How you say, ‘cucumber’?” [normal accent] She was wearing a dress. They said, “Where’s your dress…?” [Spanish accent] “I don’t know if you have it, It’s from Zara.” [normal accent] They have a von Traap-amount of children, and, uh…

[audience laughing]

And they named them all, I’m not sure, but, very Spanish names like Jamón, and Croqueta, and Flamenco. You know? And all of this would be fine and beautiful, except… [Spanish accent] …that Hilaria from Espania… [normal accent] …is actually Hillary from Boston.

[audience laughing]

This woman is in no way Spanish. Her parents are not from Spain. No one in her life is from Spain. You went, “What?” Did you think I was just doing a really racist Spanish impression…? You’re like, “Wow. Wow.” So, I’m not trying to bully a sociopath. I have a point. Okay?

[audience laughing]

So I think what had happened was… I think she went to Spain. Because, again, I cannot tell you how much her family is not from Spain. They were early settlers in the U.S. I’m not fucking with you, they were on the Mayflower. That’s how much this chick is from Boston. But… I think what had happened was, she went to Spain. And I’ve been lucky enough to go to Spain. Some of you have. It’s great, right? Don’t you love it? I loved it, too. But Hillary from Boston fucking loved it. [Spanish accent] “I am going to be from it!” [normal accent] Did you know you can just decide where you’re from? Like, on my driver’s license, it says that I am from Splash Mountain.

[audience laughing]

Isn’t that great? Libby, do you ever go on vacation and have a good time?

Where? Where’d you go?

[Libby] Mexico.

Mexico? You’re from there. Enjoy. Enjoy. So here’s my point, okay. I actually have a point. Okay. My point is… that all evidence points to this woman, since she met her husband, has straight-up pretended to be from Spain. And her husband shot someone. Now, stay with me!

[audience laughing]

Stay with me. My point is… neither of them give a fuck. Find someone who can stand you.

[audience cheering]

My husband. The love of my life. We have sex sometimes. And, uh, married people, have you found this? We’ve found the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow.

[audience laughing]

Is that when you guys have sex? “We ate today. Maybe we won’t… eat tomorrow. That’ll be a big day for us. You know?” “Yeah, we’ll definitely fuck each other tomorrow.” And then you do it. And you act like you went on some excursion. Like you were bowling. “That was fun. We have to remember we like doing that.”

[audience laughing]

“We should bowl more. Why don’t we bowl?” If it were up to me, I’d bowl once a week. You too, yeah? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. My husband’s amazing. He always turns the lights on right before we have sex. You know? I shut ’em off, and he puts ’em on. Finally, he’s like, “Why are you so shy? I love your body. All your scars.” “You’re beautiful.” You know? And I was like, “Oh.” “You’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me.”

[audience laughing]

“Baby, my laser is about to kick in.” My husband actually just said these words to me before we had sex. He said, “Do you need me to go down on you?” “Do I need you to?” I’m like, “No, I just saw Top Gun. Thanks.”

[audience laughing]

It’s hard to have sex with your spouse. I’ll say it. Because that’s your family. It’s like, we just had Thanksgiving together. I’m not gonna suck your dick. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake!

[audience laughing]

That’s disgusting. Can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too well. You know, I’m like, “I’m gonna…” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” “No, I’m not.” “I want you to come all over…” “No, you don’t. No.” “No, I don’t.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. You know, I’m always like, “Okay. I… am in a coma.”

[audience laughing]

“Go.”

[audience laughing]

I love him so much. I do. My husband is on the autism spectrum. And… Thank you. Thank you. It used to be called Asperger’s, but then they found out that Dr. Asperger had Nazi ties. Hate when that happens, right? Like some of our neighbors lately. Okay? Can we please love Jews? There aren’t that many of us left. Okay?

[audience cheering]

So, yeah, he’s on the autism spectrum. And, uh… It’s called Autism Spectrum Disorder. And getting diagnosed has been so helpful to our family and to him, in helping us communicate. Making his life better, our life better, and he’s so fucking cool and brave that he’s down to be open about it, when there’s such a stigma, when it’s so stupid. because he’s my favorite person in the whole fucking world, other than my son, of course.

[audience cheering]

People don’t know much about autism. They hear and go, “Oh, does he love to count?”

[audience laughing]

“Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor and… he can gather them and count them?” I’m like, “Yeah, fuck it. Do it. Might be fun. I don’t know.” “I’d like to check that out, personally.” Being diagnosed, getting tested, just… it’s helped us so much. Like, I understand his behavior now. You know? Like, when someone’s in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away.

[audience laughing]

I’m like, “Where’s this motherfucker going?” Never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. We just have different love languages. You know? Like, I was feeling kind of sentimental the other night. We were sitting outside. It was… a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain, and, uh… I just said, “You know, baby, even though these last couple of years, raising a toddler during a pandemic, it’s been so stressful. But still, getting to be with you, with our son, these have by far been the best years of my life.” And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.”

[audience laughing]

That’s my guy, you know? Yeah. That’s when we play the game, “Autism, or Just a Man?” I don’t know.

[audience laughing]

Right? This has been such a special, special show, special night. I’m gonna leave you with what he said to me right before I came out on stage tonight. I said, “Babe… is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

[audience laughing]

Thank you so much, LA! I love you! I can stand you!

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

It’s so easy.

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