[man] Okay, ready, and… Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan! [piano plays]
♪ It was the perfect day ♪
♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪
♪ You were my only way ♪
♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪
♪ We were walkin’ and talkin’ And jammin’ and jawin’ ♪
♪ It was you and me against the world ♪
♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪
♪ ‘Cause you didn’t hear it comin’ ♪
[laughter] [cheering]
Fuck those cars. You should… [cheers and applause] I have one. I have an electric car. But at least I have the decency when I’m driving, to put my head out the window and go, “Here comes the Sandman.” [laughter] “Sandman coming. Watch out.” How about those Tesla’s now driving themselves? Those Teslas, that’s pretty cool. They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man. I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there, and I didn’t know who to exchange the information with… and I started screaming, “Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?” And the Tesla’s, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin’ about. And I was like, “What the fuck does that mean? You did it.” And its fucking lights are going on and off. Like it’s saying, “Okay. All right.” And, uh… Then we go to court and I’m like, “I’m going to fucking destroy this thing.” And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace, and I say, “Oh, give me a fucking break. What a liar. He’s a fucking liar.”
[piano plays]
♪ Oh, Grandma’s roommate ♪
♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪
[laughter]
♪ Don’t you know I came to the nursing home ♪
♪ To see my grandma ♪
[laughter]
♪ I just said hello ♪
♪ To be polite ♪
[laughter]
♪ Now you’re telling me That my grandma was rude ♪
♪ ‘Cause she didn’t share ♪
♪ Her unsugared candy ♪
[laughter]
♪ Well, I guess that calls For a death pillow over your face ♪
[laughter]
You ever go over to somebody’s house and, uh… you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, “Hey, take your shoes off”? And then you go, “Oh, God. Okay.” And then he goes, “Hey, take your socks off.” And you’re like, “Take my socks off?” And then he goes, “Roll up your pants.” You’re like, “Roll my pants up?” He puts some grapes down, and goes, “Start stomping the grapes.” You’re like, “What the fuck are we doing?” He’s like, “Making the wine!” “You make me the wine.” [laughter]
[guitar strums]
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ God no ♪
♪ My mother’s friend has a son Who just moved to Hollywood ♪
♪ And she asked me to help him ♪
[laughter and applause]
My wife’s always putting lotion on my face. Don’t you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA? My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion. She always says she’s looking out for me. She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there’s too much. Doesn’t rub it in either. She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose… Then I found out, before me, my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie. And I was like… [laughter] She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does. [piano plays] I don’t give a shit. [laughter]
♪ Daddy shaved his beard today ♪
♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪
♪ Daddy’s lips are really small ♪
♪ Doesn’t have a chin at all ♪
♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪
[laughter]
My father used to shave… My dad had a beard, and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard. Like, didn’t ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved. It was… Any time my father shaved his beard, it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable. When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like… [laughter] I was like, “Dad has dimples?” I didn’t know Dad had dimples.” [laughter] [imitates father] “It’ll grow back.” Why’d you do it? “I don’t know. [laughter] It was… It was itchy.” “It’s been itchy for ten fucking years?” [laughter] I went to my friend’s house and he had a heated toilet seat. I sat on his heated toilet seat. I’ve got to say it made you relax. I went a lot better than I usually go. I came out and said, “I like that heated toilet seat. Where’d you get that?” He goes, “I don’t have a heated toilet seat.” [laughter] You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby? And, uh… And the baby goes… [imitates baby speaking gibberish] And you’re going, “Yeah, that’s great.” And then… And the mother goes, “He can say ‘hi’ back.” And you go, “Oh, yeah?” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] You go, “There it is.” Then mother goes, “No, he really can say it.” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] And you go, “Hey, that was great.” The mother goes, “No, he really can say it.” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] And you go, “There it is. That was it, right?” And the mother’s like, “No! Say it. Say hi.” And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And… And then the mother’s like, “What the fuck? Say it! You said it earlier!” And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And you’re like, “Hey, that was a full sentence. That’s better than ‘Hi’.” And the mother’s like, “What the…? I’m so mad at you, baby!” [laughter] And then she like hands you the baby and is like, “I’ve got to walk this off. This is very discouraging for me. He said it earlier!” And you’re holding the baby, like… “Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, ‘Hi’. Come on, you really upset your mother.” And the kid’s looking at you… And you’re like, “Come on, get it out.” It’s gonna make her feel better. And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And you’re like, “You can do it. Come on.” And the kid’s like… [speaking gibberish softly] [whispers] “Help me. [laughter] She… She… She won’t let me get vaccinated.” [laughter] Come on, there’s no proof that that’s good or bad yet. [speaks gibberish] [raspy voice] “I’ve been getting sick a lot.” [laughter]
[piano plays] ♪ My hands are shaking ♪
♪ My heart’s beating fast ♪
♪ I’m sweating through my cheap suit ♪
♪ How much longer can it last? ♪
♪ I’m an alcoholic lawyer ♪
♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪
♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪
♪ If I want to make things right ♪
♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ [cheering]
♪ There’s an innocent man who needs you ♪
♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ [cheering]
♪ There’s nothing left to fear ♪
Wait, what day is it? [laughter] Shit. The trial was last week. And he got the chair? [laughter]
♪ Well, let’s have a few whiskey sours In his memory ♪
[cheers and applause]
My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore. We go at a pretty good. It’s fun. You know, it’s nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and… [laughter] It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there because it’s only me and her, nobody else. So, we’re like, “Let’s fucking… Let’s do it all,” you know? We do, uh… We do have a safe word. It’s, “Really?” [laughter] My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip. Wouldn’t that be great? I was always growing up, going, “Man, I’ve got to get a flip going. Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip.” Everybody would be like, “Whoa, did you see the Sandman? He popped out a flip.” I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something, buying some cheap clothes and going, “Hey, watch this.” Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go, “Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?” I’d be like. “Hey, I do it all the time.” But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did. Always I was like… I didn’t know how to fucking practice. That was the problem. I didn’t know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here, and then go, “Ah, I don’t know. I’m gonna get hurt.” And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too. And I did that. I mastered that. So, I’m in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself, and in fluent Italian, I say to him, “Hey, I love what you’ve done for the Church. I love what you you’re doing for the world. America says, ‘Hello.’ Um… Am I getting into heaven?” And in Italian he says, “Can you do a flip?” And I was like, “Madonne!” [laughter] Shit. Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals and, like, never can do anything? “Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?” “Ah, no, my chicken’s eye fell out and I’ve got to paste it back on.” “Oh, okay. That shouldn’t take that long.” “Well, one of the ducks, she isn’t quacking, so… [laughter] I’ve got to look… [laughs] I’ve got to look into that.” Okay. [laughs] Dling! By the way, I never met this man. [laughter] Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune. Kind of a… You like the Bee Gees out there? – I always liked the Bee Gees. – [cheering]
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Slow ♪
♪ Slow ♪
[vocalizing] ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Slow, slow ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Slow, slow ♪
♪ Mr. Slow ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
♪ I’m the slow motion man ♪
♪ In the crosswalk ♪ [laughter]
♪ Walking just as slow as I can ♪ [laughter]
♪ Holding up the traffic ♪
♪ As I walk across the street ♪ [laughter]
♪ Hardly even seems ♪
♪ Like I’m picking up my feet ♪
♪ I’m the slow motion man In the crosswalk ♪ [laughter]
♪ California laws will protect me ♪ [laughter] [applause]
♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪
♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪
♪ And everybody cheers ’cause I’m dead ♪ [laughter]
♪ Slow, slow ♪
♪ Dying so slow ♪ [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
♪ Come on, right ♪
♪ That’s right, feel that shit ♪
♪ Unh, right ♪
♪ Come on, Daddy ♪
♪ Join in on this motherfucker Would you? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪
♪ So, let’s go ♪
♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Yeah, that’s right ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ He got a free water If you want a drink drink ♪
♪ You know, what else he got ♪
♪ He got a stink stink ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Right when I got inside ♪
♪ I was like, “Uh-oh” ♪
♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪
♪ Just like a butthole ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Locked window ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪
♪ He rock the window tint ♪
♪ One thing he doesn’t rock Is that deodorant ♪
♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪
♪ I pass the cord back ♪
♪ And when you take a bath ♪
♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪
♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
♪ What the fuck? ♪
♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
♪ Common courtesy ♪
♪ This shit got germs ♪
♪ I can’t believe the smell ♪
♪ In these Uber cars ♪
♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪
♪ I’ll give him five stars ♪
♪ Give him five stars ♪
♪ Damn ♪
♪ Give him five stars ♪
♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪
♪ Better give him five stars ♪
♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪
[cheers and applause]
[clears throat] Oh, yes.
[piano plays] ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
♪ Multicolored lolli… ♪
[music skips]
What the hell happened?
I fucked it up.
[piano plays] No! You don’t just start over! You apologize to me! You don’t just do that to the Sandman! [laughter] Okay. Let’s start again. We’ll cut around it. Not yet! [laughter] Hit it!
[piano plays]
Hoo! Yes, yes, yes.
♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪
♪ Red attire… ♪
I fucked up. All right, sorry. Fuck that shit! The Sandman don’t fuck up. [laughter]
Ooh, from the top.
[laughs]
[piano plays] ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪
♪ Reese’s Pieces, Charleston Chew Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪
♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪
♪ I want to eat them all ♪
♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪
Let me hear you. [cheering]
Let’s go. [sings indistinctly]
♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪
♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪
♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪
♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪
♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪
♪ If you got a Kit Kat I would like a taste of that ♪
♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪ [laughter]
Thank you. Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time. Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
[piano plays]
Okay, here comes a song. More dancing. [cheering]
♪ Yeah, let’s hear you, Ohio ♪
♪ Ohio ♪
Yes, sir. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Should we clap along? [audience claps along]
All right, let’s lose that. I hate it.
[laughter] Sorry. [laughs] You were right on it. It’s a thing of mine, man. I don’t fucking like that shit. It was startling me.
♪ Well, we all know a guy Who shaves his chest ♪
♪ We all know a guy Who wears a leather vest ♪
♪ We all know a guy Who knows a lot about coffee ♪ [laughter]
♪ We all know a stud Who would fight anyone ♪
♪ We all know a fool Who wears his hair in a bun ♪
♪ We all know a guy ♪
♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter When he was 12 ♪ [laughter]
♪ Yeah, we all know a guy Who wears too much cologne ♪
♪ We all know a guy Who’s better when he’s stoned ♪
♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife Five seconds too long ♪ [audience laughs, clapping along]
♪ Well, we all know a guy Who’s starting a band ♪
♪ We all know a guy who’s missing a hand ♪
♪ We all know a guy who doesn’t work ♪
♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪ [laughter]
♪ We all know a guy Who said he almost went pro ♪
♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪
♪ We all know a guy who’s dick color Doesn’t match his body ♪ [laughter]
♪ We all know a guy Whose hair always looks wet ♪
♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪
♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪ [laughter]
♪ And we all know a guy With weird allergies ♪
♪ We all know a guy Who sneezes in threes ♪
♪ So how come we don’t know ♪
♪ Who my real father is? ♪ [laughter]
No! Thank you. Thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m a triple threat though. You didn’t know I could dance that fucking good. Took many lessons growing up, man. [laughter and cheering] The hula… The hula hoop. Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking. When I’m at my fucking kids’ birthday parties and some kid gives me a hula hoop and I’m doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I’m going… [laughter] You see other parents like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter and you’re tied on the 18th hole? [laughter] And in the middle of her backswing, you just say, “Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning.” [laughter] And then… And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, “Yeah, I know, I saw.” [laughter] And you’re like, “This kid stays concentrated.” She’s fucking good. She’s got focus. She could be somebody. [piano plays] Are there married folks out there tonight? Married folks.
[cheering]
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
♪ You tell me I’m wrong ♪
♪ But I know I’m right ♪
♪ You say, “No fucking way” ♪
♪ But I insist that I’m right ♪
♪ So I pull out my phone ♪
♪ And I look it up ♪ [laughter]
♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪
♪ But I pretend I can’t find the answer ♪ [laughter]
♪ So I fake like I’m still looking ♪
♪ And you say, “So who’s right?” ♪
♪ I say, “My phone sucks” ♪
♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪ [laughter]
♪ Then you start to look it up ♪
♪ So I just grab your phone And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Marriage is good, guys. Marriage is good. You’ll like it one day if you’re not married. You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive. Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time. – It’s fucking… It’s a big mystery. – [man] You tell her where you are tonight? Yeah, she knows I’m here. My kids don’t. I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple. [laughter] [laughs] I always get these emails from the kids’ school that I’ve got to come in. “It’s Terrific Tuesday… Make sure you come in.” And you’re like, Terrific… What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday? Well, you come by the school and you tell the kids how terrific they are. And I’m like, “Okay, Thirsty Thursday.” It’s Thirsty Thursday. Come by. You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles. I’m like, my father literally came to school one fucking time my whole school career. He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test, and I hear, “Where’d you put the rake? [laughter] I’m like, “What?” “You put it on the nail?” – “I think I did.” – “You think? “It’s not there.” [laughter] – “Okay.” – “It’s not okay.” “I’ll get it for you after school.” “No, you’ll get it now!” – [laughter] –
[piano plays] Okay, here we go.
♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪
♪ Two are together And they’re swimming out to sea ♪
♪ Three on a Ferris wheel Four at the zoo ♪
♪ Five in my pocket ♪
♪ Six in my shoe ♪
♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪
♪ Eight in a park ♪
♪ Nine in a gondola ♪
♪ Ten in the dark ♪
♪ It’s everywhere you go ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you’ll find an anti-Semite ♪
There he is! [cheering] [whistling] Joking. He’s not. Leave him alone. Get the fucking lights off of him. He seems like a decent man. [laughter] Sorry.
♪ I am gonna read a book ♪
♪ Read a book, read a book ♪
♪ Gonna be a better man ♪
♪ Better man than I am ♪
♪ So I go to Amazon ♪
♪ Amazon dot com ♪
♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪
♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪
♪ They will ship them right away ♪
♪ Right away, in a day ♪
♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪
♪ So it doesn’t cost a dime ♪
♪ So I look at my new book ♪
♪ Take a look at my book ♪
♪ Right away I tune out ♪
♪ Don’t like reading, get distracted ♪
♪ So I turn on my TV ♪
♪ TV good, reading bad ♪
♪ And I watch Property Brothers ♪
♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪
[cheers and applause]
Hello. You ever… How about the times you wake up… Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning and you’re like, “God damn it. What am I doing up right now?” 4:30, can’t fall asleep… I’m fucking ruined for the day. Ever do one of those things where you go, “Let me just get out of bed,” and live like those people who always go, “Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day. I do that for me. That’s me time. I spend the morning alone. That’s my time and it’s the best. It sets me in the right mood.” You’re like, “Let me be one of those fucking pricks. I’ll get up at 4:30.” And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast. You’re like, “Wow, this is good. making breakfast. I never do that.” And then you work out. You’re like, “I’m working out this early. Holy shit. That’s out of the way. That’s great.” And then you have yourself another breakfast. You’re like, “Okay, I’m running out of shit to do.” And then you flip on the news and you go, “There’s news before the news? Who the fuck are these people? They’re very good. They should be on the real news.” Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm. You’re like, “Is that the fucking early bird? I’ve been hearing about that thing for a long time.” There he is. Holy shit.” Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it. You’re like, “That’s how they fucking get to school. Nobody fucking told me… What a day. This is interesting.” And then it’s around 11 o’clock and you’re in the middle of a work meeting and you’re like, “How long is this fucking day gonna go for? Let me sleep!” [laughter] My wife’s grandmother turned… she turned 101 years old, which is nice, 101 years old. – [cheers and applause] – That’s good for the family, you know, good to have that in your genes. My daughter’s got that great life. My family, we fucking die… I should be dead is all I’m saying. It makes no sense that I’m here right now. But 101 years old… I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder… Just, she kept going, “Ooh.” And I was saying, “It’s tradition. We can’t break tradition, Grandma.” She was like, “I want to break tradition.” I was like, “Well, you can’t. So, just fucking deal with 94 more.” And bam. “Oh!” [laughter]
[keyboard plays]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Grandma died ♪
♪ Grandma died ♪
♪ Grandma died today ♪
♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪
♪ Grandma died today ♪
♪ I guess I’ll go to a bingo game and steal ♪
♪ Somebody else’s grandma ♪
♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪
♪ Can’t tell the difference ♪
[laughs]
What’s going on? You getting this camera all set? Don’t get hurt. That’s a heavy fucking piece of machinery. It’s blocking you good. You okay? You got your beer. That’s a big fucking beer, man. [laughter] Way to go. You get loose. I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Here we go.
[rock music plays]
Yeah. Shoop! [cheering]
[woman] I love you!
♪ I am a grown man ♪ [laughter]
♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪
♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪
♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪
♪ I have no respect for my family ♪
♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪
♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪
♪ But the toilet is too far ♪
♪ The toilet is too far away ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪
♪ The toilet is too far ♪
♪ Once when I was drunk, I… ♪
♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪ [laughter]
♪ But I prefer the shower ♪
♪ My wife’s loofah is starting to stink ♪ [laughter]
♪ When my kids go to school in the morning ♪
♪ They smell like they’re soaking in piss ♪ [laughter]
♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ [man]
♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪
♪ I eat some asparagus ♪ [laughter]
♪ I am an animal ♪
♪ I am a destroyer ♪ [cheering]
♪ They caught me pissing In my neighbor’s pool ♪ [laughter]
♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪
♪ It was worth it ♪ [cheering]
Thank you! That was fun. Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there… You’re wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping. And then you’ve really… you’ve got to keep wiping. And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one. Then you go, “You know what? Just out of principal, I’m stopping after this next one. It’s fucking enough already. I don’t care if I’m done or not. This is fucking killing me. [laughter] Whatever happens happens. Get me the fuck out of here. [laughter] I did my first dick pic, everybody. [cheering] Thank you. A dick pick is… that’s a weird thing to do. There’s no reason for me to do it. I’m fucking married. But all my friends are doing them, so I’m like, “What the fuck, let me just… at least I can be part of the conversation when they’re talking about their dick pics. I can go, “Oh, yes, definitely.” You know? [laughter] So, I do my first dick pick. I look back at it. There’s a ghost in the background. So there’s a ghost in the image, and I’m like, “I live in fucking haunted house?” I had no idea. I want to show everybody… ’cause… what are the chances of catching that? But my dick doesn’t look… as good as I want it to look in the image. Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall, so he made my dick not look… exact. Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick. I was like, “What the fuck is your problem?” to the ghost. He was like… The ghost was like, “I live here too. I like to have fun.” [laughter] All right, I’m gonna play guitar a little bit for you.
[electric guitar plays]
[cheering]
♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪
♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪
♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪
♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪
♪ And yet, the fact is ♪
♪ We still gotta practice ♪
♪ Every day ♪
♪ Oh, no, my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪
♪ My-my-my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪
♪ The dumb teacher Gave the big parts away ♪
♪ Oh, no, my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪
♪ It’s in the first five minutes ♪ [laughter]
♪ But my wife says We still gotta stay the whole way ♪
♪ Fuck no My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪
♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪
♪ I phone in a bomb scare And I call it a day ♪
♪ Because my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪
♪ And she got it wrong ♪ [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
You love your kids more than anything on the planet until like 9:30 at night. And then you’re like, “Okay… that’s enough. [laughter] I loved you all day long. Just give me a little break. I answered all your crazy questions. I don’t even know… I know nothing. That does not fucking help when you have to answer your kid. I’ve got to make up every goddamn answer. “Are whales smart, Daddy?” “Well, you know, they’re more street smart than book smart, but…” I don’t fucking know anything about whales. My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old. So, I go and see her play basketball, and she’s a sweetheart of a kid. And every time they put the kid in the game, I get so excited. I take my video camera out, and I fucking video everything she does. And so, a couple Sundays ago, I’m videoing my daughter and another dad goes, “Hey, can you email me that when you’re done?” And I go, “Yeah, absolutely, dude. And then I’m videoing my kid and then I remembered. Actually, when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and… It’s always not stuff I want other people to hear. And I’m always like, “Okay, you got it, you little cutie. You’ve got the ball. You’re so good. Look how good you are. You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid. I’ll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God. Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid. You all suck out there.” And I was like, “I better not email that to that man there. So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing. The guy was like, “What the fuck’s with the ruler?” I go, “Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy.” “I’m with you.” My little sweet daughter… the sixth grader, she comes back from school and she’s like, “All the boys keep saying, ‘That’s what she said…’ and then they all laugh.”
“Why Daddy?”
And I was like, “Oh, boy.” “Yeah, it seems like anything I say, they say, ‘That’s what she said.’ They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh. And I’m confused. Help me Dad-da.” And so, I’m like, “Okay, how do I explain this to her?” And I’m trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it, in a clean way, no cursing. And I’m just going, “Uh… uh… uh… uh, well, it’s a…” And then my kid goes, “That’s okay, Daddy. You tried your best.” [laughter] And I was like, “That’s what she said.” [laughter] All right, let’s do this. [piano plays] That’s not true. None of that… None of this fucking story… All this is a lie. All right. [laughter] [laughs]
♪ I’ll take the large, please ♪
♪ Can’t believe my eyes ♪
♪ Sprinkles and fudge And a smelly surprise ♪
♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪
♪ Thank you for letting me Eat your pussy ♪ [laughter] [laughs]
Come on.
[cheering]
You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time.
[Sandler] Oh, Sandman. That’s too much.
[piano plays]
Okay. Just getting ready.
♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪
♪ The co-pilot can’t be found ♪
♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪
♪ They know the plane’s going down ♪
♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪
♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪
♪ We need a hero who’s going to do it ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪
♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪
♪ The people on the plane All start to cheer ♪
♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪
♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪
♪ So I go in the cockpit Put the headset on ♪
♪ And grab the main control ♪
♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪
♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪ [laughter]
Thank you, thank you, thank you. [applause]
Yeah. Thank you.
[piano plays]
♪ We’re on a runaway train ♪
♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪
♪ The people in the dining car ♪
♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪
♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪
♪ Yeah, we need a hero To bring us through the danger ♪
♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪
♪ So I put the engineer’s hat On the top of my head ♪
♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪
♪ A guy says, “You’re the man, man” ♪
♪ And a deaf woman signs “Go get ’em” ♪
♪ Then I go to the cab And I toot the whistle ♪
♪ That’s something I always wanted to do ♪
♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪
♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪ [laughter]
Thank you. Thank you. [applause] Thank you. Ahh.
♪ We’re in a nice family restaurant ♪
♪ Somebody’s grandma’s choking On a lamb chop ♪
♪ There’s panic in the air As Nana’s face turns blue ♪
♪ The busboy screams in Spanish “What the fuck do we do?” ♪
♪ We need a hero who’s gonna do it ♪
♪ We need a hero To clean out her windpipe ♪
♪ We need a hero Who’s down with Heimlich ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪
♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪
♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪
♪ Another guy gets up And says he’s a doctor ♪
♪ I say, “Sit the fuck down I got this shit” ♪
♪ Then I wrap my arms Around Grandma’s chest ♪
♪ And I look her grandkids Deep in the eyes ♪
♪ Then right away… ♪ [laughs]
♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪
♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪
Grandma! [cheers and applause]
What the fuck was that? After every joke… [plays guitar] This is one that we don’t play that much But, uh… but I figured it’s fucking Jersey. I think you guys might enjoy this. So here we go. [cheers and applause]
♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪
♪ People come from far away ♪
♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪
♪ I brush my fro up ♪
♪ Feeling skittish ♪
♪ People speaking Yiddish ♪
♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪
♪ Tailor’s hanging on my thigh ♪
♪ Practice for the whole year ♪
♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪
♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪
♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪
♪ Dad’s mad at the cost ♪
♪ Too bad Mom’s the boss ♪
♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪
♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪
♪ I’m staring out at everyone ♪
♪ Can’t remember how it goes ♪
♪ Whistle from my rabbi’s nose ♪
♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪
♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪
♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪
♪ Everybody says, “Good job” ♪
♪ Now I’m done, sweet relief ♪
♪ Lipstick on Mama’s teeth ♪
♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪
♪ “What the fuck is a knish?” ♪
♪ Kids are all coming in ♪
♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪
♪ Make a bank deposit ♪
♪ Make out in the closet ♪
♪ He’s the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪
♪ Grandma’s ass is six feet wide ♪
♪ Party music never stops ♪
♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪
♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪
♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪
♪ Chug as much as I can ♪
♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪
♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪
♪ This strains my family ♪
♪ But I’m a man, so I don’t care ♪
♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪
♪ I’m the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
♪ And it’s the best day of my life ♪
♪ Until three years later ♪
♪ When my parents stop Making me go to temple ♪ [laughter]
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause]
So I’ll tell you a little story about Disney World. You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story?
Please, I can… Okay.
[cheers and applause] So you guys have been to Disney World, right?
[cheering]
The families have been there. Who doesn’t have kids and still goes to Disney World? [cheering] You fucking stoners. [laughter]
I’m on to you. [laughs] All right, so I go to Disney World recently with my wife and the two kids. My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster. They were very excited. So, we wait on the line. We’re waiting. You know the lines are very long. So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes. We get to the front of the line, and then the roller coaster, we find out, only takes three people at a time. So, there’s four of us. And I see my wife and the two kids just immediately start walking to the thing. And I was like, we’re not even gonna flip a coin. Not… Not even a thought, right? They’re like, “No, no…” I was like, “Yeah. All right.” And so, I’m sitting there very angry. I’m stewing. Like, “I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes to go on this fucking shit with you guys, and you fucking bail on me.” Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he’s muttering. He’s like, “Goddamn motherfucker… They’re mean as shit. And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah.” And then I say to the other dad, I go, “You want fucking me and you to go on it together? And he’s like, “What?” I go, “Well, I’m not going alone. Let’s fucking do this shit. I’ll go with you.” And he’s like, “Yeah, whatever the fuck you want.” And so… [laughs] So I get on the roller coaster with the guy and we’re both not talking to each other. The roller coaster takes off, and you know how they take off so fucking fast… that both our necks snap back, and we look at each other. And he’s like “Ooh, that got me.” I was like, “Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man.” We start laughing a little bit. And we’re fucking all of a sudden loosening up. And we’re fucking doing all the… jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns. I’m fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy. He’s looking at me like, “What the fuck?” I was like, “Hey, here we are.” And we’re laughing our asses off. And I’m like, “Holy shit, I haven’t been this happy in at least 11 years. I know that, but whatever, I’m fucking… jetting around, fucking doing loop-the-loops. He’s fucking bumping my first. I’m like, “Yeah, motherfucker.” He’s like, “Yeah, baby.” We get to the end. The fucking… You know how the break comes out of nowhere. It fucking screeches on, both our fucking heads snap again. He’s like, “They got us again. I was like, “Fuck yeah, we’ll never learn. [laughter] So, uh, we’re creeping up to, you know, getting off the ride, how it’s like a little slow at exit, and we’re sitting there, and I’m fucking… I feel this crazy pain in my heart, and I’m like, “Did I fucking fall in love with this guy or some shit? What happened? And he’s not looking at me. I’m like this guy feels it too, ’cause he’s in a fucking daze. We’re both… And my kids are like, “Come on, let’s go to Peter Pan.” I was like, “All right, in a minute.” I’m yelling at the kids too loud. “I’ve got to say goodbye to the man.” And, uh… I get off. I go, “Hey, nice to meet you.” He’s like, “Yeah, nice to meet you.” He won’t look at me, and we’re both all fucked up. He goes back to his family, I go back to mine. I’m walking away. In my head, I’m like, “I’m never gonna see that fucking guy again, and I don’t feel good about that. Um… And then I… And then I go… “They take your picture though… on those rides. You know, just for memory’s sake. Just, what the fuck, I’m gonna go see, maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn’t. But if they did… why not? Fuck it, you know. Let’s just see.” And so, we… We go to the, uh… I go to that place where there’s the fucking monitor up. Sure enough, there’s a picture of me and the guy, upside down, in the loop-the-loop… staring so deep into each other’s eyes. It was fucking bananas. I was like, “Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too.” So, I say to the lady behind the counter, “Hey, how much is that?” And the lady goes, “Sixty-five dollars.” I was like, “Oh. Okay.” And then I take my phone out, and I fucking snap a shot of it. And then I feel this energy behind me. I look back, and it’s the guy from Oklahoma. He’s holding the picture he just bought. And he was like, “I wasn’t worth it?” [laughter] So, anyways… If that man is watching my Netflix special right now, I think of you a lot, sir. I think of you a lot. All right, Milwaukee, let’s fucking do this shit. Here we go.
[hip hop music plays] ♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪
♪ Here we go again ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ I’m heading out ♪
♪ And all I’m taking with me ♪
♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ Just those three things, please Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪
♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪
♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪
♪ That’s what my motherfucking keys Are for ♪
♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ Good things come in threes Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ If I’m going to the zoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ If I’m getting a face tattoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ If I’m going out to a wedding If it’s winter time and I’m sledding ♪
♪ If I’m at the Daddy-Daughter dance My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪
♪ I’m going on vacation To the West Indies ♪
♪ And I don’t got no luggage ♪
♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪
♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪
Fuck. Okay.
♪ Guess I need my phone Wallet, passport, keys ♪
♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
♪ I’m finally on the plane I’m riding Delta, Delta ♪
♪ The lady farted next to me ♪
♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪
♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪
♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪
♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪
♪ I forgot my laptop ♪
♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪
♪ Damn it ♪
♪ Now I need my laptop Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪
♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys I’m swinging my shit all over the place ♪
♪ I’m hurting ya, I’m hurting ya ♪
♪ I’m carrying so much shit ♪
♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪
♪ No place to put it, what can I do? Probably should take my iPad too ♪
♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪
♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪
♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪
♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪
♪ My headphones ♪
♪ They’re Beats by Dre ♪
♪ My notebook, my GoPro My vape pen, my crossbow ♪
♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪
♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪
[man] ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ God damn ♪
♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ It used to be so easy ♪
♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪
♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah Phone, wallet, keys ♪
♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪
♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪
♪ My pockets got so heavy Now I’m cramping, I’m cramping ♪
♪ Each time I leave my house It’s like I’m camping, I’m camping ♪
♪ I’m miserable, just standing around I’m like a walking lost and found ♪
♪ You know I’d rather stay at home ♪
♪ Where all I need’s my fucking phone ♪
[man] ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
♪ Much happier at home ♪
♪ Just playing with my phone ♪
♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
♪ Yeah, I’ll just stay at home ♪
♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪ [laughter]
[cheering]
I’m gonna do my first mic drop. Yeah. Yeah. You just got Sandoozled. [laughs] [sings indistinctly] Yeah, yeah. Sweet, sweet, sweet. That was a good ending.
Thank you.
[cheering]
[electronic music plays]
Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that? Oh, shit, you scared me with that one. Give me a second. Wait, okay. Okay, here we go. This one’s fun.
♪ He’s a very strong lad ♪
♪ But he hasn’t been laid in years ♪
♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪
♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪
♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪ [laughter]
♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪
♪ But that doesn’t change The horrible fact ♪
♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
♪ Can’t stop looking at those UFC ears ♪
♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪
♪ Ballet dancers Have those fucked up toes ♪
♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪
♪ But I can’t believe these guys Can fucking hear ♪
♪ With those UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears ♪
♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪
♪ UFC ears, that’s right, UFC ears ♪
♪ Cries himself to sleep He’s got UFC ears ♪
♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪
♪ I’ll be shaking With cheeks wet with tears ♪
♪ Because he’s going to find me And beat my fucking head in ♪
♪ Screaming, “Welcome to the club Of UFC ears” ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
Yeah. Oh my. That’s some smokey shit. This is not from us. There is a fucking fire. Let’s get the fuck out of here. Quick. No, I’m just joking. Don’t… don’t bail on me. – Is that going into your mouth? – [laughter] That’s… Yeah, that’s… [laughs] That’s what she said. Yes. Very good. – [laughter] – That was fun. Really good. I liked that. Yes, those UFC guys, they are built pretty fucking good. I can’t stand… That’s the only reason I don’t watch. I get so angry at how fucking chiselled these fucking guys are. I go to the gym, of course, but I just go to pick my wife up. I’m always like, “Hey, how was that? How’d it go in there?” She’s like, “You’ve got to come in.” I’m like, “Yeah, definitely.” I got old enough now that I don’t take my shirt off anymore. I’m 51, 51 years old. [cheers and applause] So, I don’t take my shirt off anymore when I go swimming at, like, a hotel pool with my kids. I keep my fucking shirt on. I’m swimming, and everyone’s pointing and stuff, and like this lifeguard was yelling at me. “You can’t do that.” I’m like, “What the fuck is… I’m humiliated, buddy. I just don’t want to take my fucking shirt off.” He’s like, “No, you’ve got to wear a bathing suit, your dick is out.” I’m like, “Oh, okay. Oh, this is, uh… one of the fancy Howard Johnson’s. I got you. Fuck. Sorry, man.” The guys over 50 know what I’m talking about. The testicles do get bigger and bigger as you get older. They hang lower and whatever the fuck happens… You know, you’ve seen it at the YMCA your whole life, the older men with the giant balls, and you’re always wondering why they’re so free and happy, fucking… Those are like the 85-year-old guys. They don’t give a fuck. They just swing it… and whatever. They don’t even think of throwing a towel on. They’re just like, “This is it. I only got a few years left. I want… You should remember me how I am, with these giant…” My balls are not that big, but they still don’t make sense on my body. My dick literally looks like it’s sitting in a bean bag chair. Yeah, it’s so comfortable. My dick never… it never wants to leave the balls. It’s always just resting. So nice, like, “I love you guys. You’re my best friends.” [laughter] The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now, because we’re both not used to them. I’m behind her doing my thing, what you do when you’re behind your wife. And I’ll hear, “Hey, hey, no spanking.” I’m like, “That wasn’t me. That was… That was those guys, babe.” And she’s like, “Oh… Oh, you got me again.” [piano plays] Okay, this is for the people who either live together or have been married for awhile. Okay? This is for you.
♪ You’re giving me a strange look In the mirror ♪
♪ As I brush my teeth ♪ [laughter]
♪ I don’t know What I could have done wrong ♪
♪ ‘Cause I literally just woke up ♪ [laughter]
♪ Maybe you had a dream That I cheated on you ♪ [laughter]
♪ Or you remember something mean I said Like two fucking years ago ♪ [laughter]
♪ All I know is that all day long It’s gonna be weird ♪ [laughter]
♪ Eggshells ♪
♪ Why the hell is she walking past me Without talking? ♪
♪ Eggshells ♪
♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪
♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪ [man]
♪ Eggshells ♪
♪ When she picks up the phone She uses a nice voice ♪
♪ But when she hangs up It’s back to fucking monotone ♪ [laughter]
♪ Eggshells ♪
♪ I see you’re reading a book In the kitchen ♪
♪ But she hasn’t turned a page In 45 fucking minutes ♪ [laughter]
♪ Eggshells ♪
♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪
♪ I’d start going on walks with her ♪
♪ But I didn’t say it With enough enthusiasm ♪
[laughter and applause]
Thank you.
[man] Yo, Sandman, what’s your favorite vegetable? Ah-ha, we get it.
[rock music plays] Oh, shit. Yeah.
♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental! [cheering]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Feels so good ♪
♪ Kiss your body ♪
♪ Come on, let’s get naughty ♪
♪ Now we’re in the groove ♪
♪ Rocking so hard Her belly’s starting to move, yeah ♪
♪ I’m gonna show you how ♪
♪ Nothing in the world’s Gonna stop us now ♪
♪ So let’s both ignore That crazy pussy fart ♪ [laughter] [laughs]
Thank you. The vagina fart has been around a long time, girls. No problem. It’s fun. The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say still gets you every time. Everybody. Every fellow here enjoys them so much. Just keep them coming, girls. It just provides entertainment in the bedroom. Guys do not say nothing about it. Guys will fucking ignore it every time. Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it’s fucking over. You’re getting up and leaving and that’s it. So you’re like, “Okay, whatever the fuck that was, let’s keep… Let’s keep going forward.” I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart. I’ve been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there. I don’t say shit. You know, I might go like, “Uh.” I might give her one of those. Hey, now. But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started. You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row, I might say, “I think you’ve got to do some fucking jumping jacks or some shit. You know, get a Q-Tip, fucking pop that… You got… Something’s wrong. Something’s going on with you. But when you come back, I’ll fucking finish you good. I promise you. If it was reversed… let me just say… the girls would not be as sweet to us. If there was a dick fart, if there was such a… There’s no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart… And it would be nothing. It’s such a little hole. The sound would be nothing. Your vaginas literally are like acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer. And… And we’re just like, “All right, let’s play it off like it didn’t happen.” With a dick fart, you’d be like… At the most, it would sound like… [soft whistling] And you’d be like, “Whoa, what the fuck is that?” [laughter] [soft whistling] “I’m nervous. I don’t know. You don’t think that’s cute? It sounds like a little Disney character. [laughter] Cinderelly.” “I’m leaving!” We’d have to play it off like it didn’t happen. Like, “No, I think the tea’s ready. [soft whistling] [laughter] [laughs]
My wife, one time, hit me in the face with a combo platter. She hit me with the vagina to the mouth… Up high. At the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other… the, uh… She came up high and down low at the very same time. I fucking don’t know what happened. One time in 20 years. Just fucking bam, in the face, one in the neck. Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm. We don’t know what she was eating that day, but whatever the fuck it was, she got me good. I’ve got to say, it literally felt like somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane. It was like, “Whoa!” [laughter] There was debris in the air and fucking… Other passengers were floating through my fucking room. [laughter] Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was… But I fucking took it like… I did wish someone else saw it. That was fucking incredible. And then I hear the ghost go, “I saw that shit. Oh, my God. It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand.” [laughter] So I tell my wife recently I would love to try anal. And I say to my wife, “Hey, I would love to try anal.” And she goes, “Oh, I wouldn’t.” And then I say, “Oh.” [laughter] I said, “But I would.” And she goes, “Yeah, I know. I heard.” [laughter] And then I said, “Okay, so let’s…” I really think we should. She goes, “I’m just not into that.” And then I said, “You know, what? I love you. I’m gonna be with you for the rest of my life. I’ve been with you 20 years. I’ve never cheated on you. I never will cheat on you. – It’s you and me against the world, baby. – [cheering] And, uh… I really… I got nowhere else to get this anal. – So… – [laughter] I was like, “You’ve got to fucking help me out. It’s a fantasy. Please?” And, uh… And she was nice. She said okay. And so, on my birthday, she gave it up. She gave it to me, and she said she liked it. She said it was fun and she couldn’t believe she fit her whole fist inside me… – And so… I don’t know. – [laughter] I said, “You see? New experiences.” She’s a good girl. That’s my baby. That’s my baby. [Sandler] Oh, Sandman. That’s too much.
[piano plays]
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ It’s awfully cold in outer space today ♪
♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪
♪ A million miles away ♪
♪ I’m floating through the darkness ♪
♪ There’s nothing much to see ♪
♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪
♪ Is the only one with me ♪ [laughter]
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ Now we’re in zero gravity ♪
♪ Just spinning round and round ♪
♪ The next thing you know I’m right side up ♪
♪ And Yuri’s upside down ♪
♪ My penis accidentally goes In his mouth ♪ [laughter]
♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪ [laughter]
♪ Yes, it’s just another accident ♪
♪ On Station 69 ♪ [laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen… Yuri. [cheers and applause] Hello, people of Earth. [cheering and whistling]
♪ It’s awfully cold In outer space tonight ♪
[Sandler] Yes.
♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪
♪ To tell them we’re all right, yes ♪
♪ I check the telescopes ♪
♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪ [laughter]
♪ But my favorite part of space ♪
♪ Is when we suck each other’s dicks ♪
[Sandler] Absolutely.
♪ We’re spinning around in circles ♪
♪ And it feels very nice ♪
♪ When we kiss each other’s penis tips ♪
♪ It seems like paradise ♪
♪ We’re travelling in light speed ♪
Yes.
♪ It’s an intergalactic ride ♪
♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪
Remember?
♪ But I fucked it till it died ♪
Yes, yes.
♪ Yes, we’re in zero gravity ♪
♪ Just spinning round and round ♪
♪ The next thing you know I’m right-side up ♪
♪ And I am upside down ♪ [cheering and whistling] ♪ He accidentally puts his penis In my mouth ♪ ♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪ [laughter] ♪ Yes, it’s just another accident ♪ ♪ It’s just another thing That on purpose I did ♪ [laughter] ♪ It’s… It’s just… ♪ [laughs] ♪ It’s just another afternoon ♪ [both] ♪ On Station 69 ♪ [cheers and applause]
Go! Go back! Go back to space! Get out of here! Take him away! [laughs] What are you doing? Help him. [laughs] All right, guys, gonna do this one. This is a very special song. I hope you like it. It means a lot to us. Here we go. [cheering]
[low-tempo music plays] ♪ The first time I saw him ♪ ♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪ ♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪ ♪ He wasn’t even doing a bit ♪ ♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room ♪ ♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ He was a one-man party ♪ ♪ You know who I’m talking about ♪ ♪ I’m talking about My friend Chris Farley ♪ [cheering] ♪ On Saturday night My man would always deliver ♪ ♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪ ♪ Or livin’ in a van down by the river ♪ [cheering] ♪ He loved the bears and did the dance At Chippendale’s with Swayze ♪ ♪ When they replaced his coffee With Folgers ♪ ♪ He went fucking crazy ♪ ♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪ ♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪ ♪ Without him, there’d be no Lunch Lady In Lunch Lady Land ♪ ♪ You know who I’m thinking about ♪ ♪ I’m thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪ [cheering]
[man] I love you, Sandman! [cheers and applause]
♪ After a show He’d drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪
♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪ [laughter]
♪ But hungover as hell That Catholic boy ♪
♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪
♪ We’d tell him, “Slow down You’ll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪
♪ He said, “Those guys are my heroes” ♪
♪ That’s all fine and dandy ♪
♪ I ain’t making that shit up ♪
♪ That’s the truth About my boy Chris Farley ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ I saw him in the office Crying with his headphones on ♪
♪ Listening To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪
♪ I said buddy, “How the hell Is that making you so sad?” ♪
♪ Then he laughed and said ♪
♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪ [applause]
♪ The last big hang we had ♪
♪ Was at Timmy Meadows’ wedding party ♪
♪ We laughed our balls off All night long ♪
♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪
♪ But a few months later ♪
♪ The party came to an end ♪
♪ We flew out to Madison ♪
♪ To bury our friend ♪
♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪
♪ Except watching Chris’ father Have his turn to cry ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ Hey, buddy, life’s moved on ♪
♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ Make my kids laugh With your YouTube clips ♪
♪ Or Tommy Boy ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ Well, when they ask me Who’s the funniest guy I ever knew ♪
♪ I tell them hands down Without a doubt, it’s you ♪
♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪
♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪
♪ But most of all I miss Watching you fuck with Spade ♪
♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪
♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪
♪ And we were getting on a plane To go shoot ♪
♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪
♪ Yeah, life ain’t the same Without you, boy ♪
♪ And that’s why I’m singing about ♪
♪ I’m singing about My friend Chris Farley ♪
♪ And if we make enough noise ♪
♪ Maybe he’ll hear us ♪ [whistling] [cheering]
♪ Give it up for the great ♪
♪ Chris Farley ♪ [cheers and applause]
By far the funniest fucking guy of all time, the Farls, man. Yeah, baby, so thank you. I couldn’t wait to sing that to you guys, and I knew it would be special here. And thank you. [cheers and applause] He was the best. He was the best. Okay, you guys, I’m gonna sing you this song right now. This is the kind of a sweet song. I sing it to my wife, because she lets me talk about so many things in front of you people. [laughs] And she doesn’t even get mad at me. She’s pretty damn cool. So here we go.
♪ I met you 20 years ago ♪
♪ And we talked all night ♪
♪ You drank me under the table ♪
♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪
♪ I knew right then and there ♪
♪ I’d grow old with you ♪ [cheers and applause]
♪ I said I’d tell you jokes ♪
♪ Whenever you are sad ♪
♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪
♪ Oh, it’s been so much fun ♪
♪ Growing old with you ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪ [cheering] ♪ I love you ♪
♪ Foot rub you ♪
♪ Tell you you’re the only one I’m thinking of ♪
♪ Make big decisions with you ♪
♪ Try new positions with you ♪ [laughs]
♪ Even sit and watch Fucking Eat Pray Love ♪ [laughter]
♪ Two times in a row ♪ [laughter]
♪ Now when I’m on a diet ♪
♪ You take away my potatoes ♪
♪ Say, “Fuck all those guys” After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪
♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪
♪ As I grow old with you ♪ [cheering]
♪ You scold me ♪
♪ You hold me ♪
♪ Look the other way When I dress like a pimp ♪
♪ You cry to me ♪
♪ You lie to me ♪
♪ But only when you tell me ♪
♪ That the dick looks big ♪ [laughter] [laughs]
♪ Now, we don’t need a big house ♪
♪ We don’t need any money ♪
♪ All we need is you and me ♪
♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪
♪ I got everything I want ♪
♪ Growing old with you ♪
And this goes for all of you guys here tonight.
[man] Yeah!
[cheering]
♪ Thanks for growing old with… ♪
♪ Me ♪
All right, you all, thank you so much. Respect! Rock and roll. I love you too. Let’s do it again sometime. Thank you. Thank you. Well, folks, I’ve been given the light and I must go. But thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show. [cheers and applause]
[mid-tempo instrumental music plays]
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
♪ Ears ♪
[applause]
[Sandler] I got… Go ahead.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
[Sandler] Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
Because he wanted to get some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.
[Sandler laughs] Okay, your turn. Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know. Don’t forget, I’m Sadie.
[Sandler] Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny. Why did the M&M walk away from me?
[Sandler] Why? Because it wanted to go pee on my dress.
[Sandler laughs] Terrific.
