Ted – S01-E07 – He’s Gotta Have It | Transcript

As the end of the school year approaches, Ted plots to help John lose his virginity
Ted - S01-E07 - He's Gotta Have It

Season 1 Episode 7
Episode Title: He’s Gotta Have It
Original release date: January 11, 2024

Following the introduction of Sex Ed in his class, John realizes that he may be the only remaining virgin in the student body. He and Ted try to prepare him for sex above all else, and soon enough, John meets a girl named Bethany whom he genuinely likes. However, Ted insists that she won’t want to sleep with him if she thinks he’s inexperienced, so the two lie about him being a ladies man with a high body count. Right before John and Bethany can attend the Junior Prom, Bethany decides to break up, not wanting to just be a notch on his belt. After blowing up at Ted, John goes to the prom alone and reveals his secret to the student body, winning Bethany back. The two prepare to have sex at her place, but are interrupted by the news of O. J. Simpson fleeing the cops, much like how Susan and Matty were interrupted by the news of Richard Nixon’s resignation 1974. The episode ends with John and Ted coming up with the “thunder buddies” song from the first Ted movie.

* * *

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I’m sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

All right. We have come to the final unit here in health class… sexual education. Now, this is mature subject matter, and I expect you all to handle it with maturity like the young adults you are becoming.

I’m scared, Teddy. What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner?

Hey, you’re getting a boner before this class ends, buddy. The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better.

Sexual intercourse is a physical expression of love and affection that is perfectly natural and often deadly. Sexually transmitted diseases include gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, HPV, hepatitis A through C…

♪ JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? ♪

[laughter] ♪ We didn’t start the fire ♪

Ted, knock it off! See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. To avoid sexually transmitted disease, it is important to practice safe sex. Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? No one? Masturbation.

Hey, if you’re gonna assign homework, Johnny already did it this morning.

Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!

He’s doing extra credit.

Be quiet!

Stop it!


You keep that up, you’re headed for detention, mister. Now, why is it important to practice safe sex? Well, it all begins with biology.

Aw, here we go.

Let’s start with the female reproductive system.

Oh, no.

Holy shit. That’s fast, even for you.

[bell rings]

Well, I’m glad that’s over, huh?

I know, that was like sex ed for babies.


I mean, you’re really gonna talk about masturbation and leave out edging?

Seriously. He didn’t even talk about how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity.

Did you see how when I brought up rimming, he flipped to the glossary?

[both chuckling]

Wait, you t… you two have had sex?

[sarcastically] No. I’m felching my own jizz. Pfft! Duh, we’re 16.

When? With who?

A few weeks ago, with each other.

We didn’t want to be the last ones in school to lose our virginity.

Oh, yeah. [laughs] No. Right, of course. How… how lame would that be, right?

Wow, I didn’t even know you two guys were dating. Andrew, I thought you were gay.

I don’t know. Might be. I just know I’m not a fucking loser.

You’re so confident. I love it.

Let’s go to the computer room. We can do it on the Oregon Trail.

Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means? I’m the last virgin in school.

What about Ben Carness?

No, he slept with his math teacher. That’s why she got fired.

I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust.

Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade.

Oh. Oh, wow… oh, yeah, well, then that’s a mess.

Anyway, dude, this is serious. I need to hurry up and have sex with somebody before people find out and I’m humiliated.

You’re right. We gotta find a buyer. Fresh penis! Get your fresh penis here!

Ted, Jesus Christ!

This penis used to belong to a little old lady who only fucked it on Sundays! Still has that new penis smell!

Will you shut up?

All right, I’m just trying to help.

♪ ♪

Okay, what about Talia?

Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you.

Hey, you don’t know that.

You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny? They’re brooding degenerates. They paint their nails. Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails?

I could paint my nails.

Oh, ok… oh, you want to be nail-painting guy? Okay, get ready to never be funny. No more jokes. You never get to make a joke again.

Why not?

Nail-paint guy is very serious. If you’re on a cruise and you spot the captain bringing a lady passenger back to his cabin, what do you say?

Well, you say, “Thar she blows.”

No, you don’t. You say, “Good for them.” You say, “Everyone deserves love in this fucked-up world,” ’cause you got painted nails.

Wait, can I… can I say, “Shiver me timbers”?

No, you cannot. No jokes. Only finger colors.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think one of your college friends would be willing to have sex with John?

[sarcastically] Yeah, every lit major wants to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets.

Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus. You got any friends like that?

Okay, why are you asking me this?

‘Cause I’m the last virgin in my class.

Come on, your friends are always trying to do good in the world. How about one of ’em takes a break from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate?

Yeah, no. I’m not helping you.

God, I’m pathetic.

Ah, come on. There’s a lot of cool virgins. The Flying Nun, Richie Rich, the Lincoln Memorial… That yearbook.

I’ve never had sex, never had a girlfriend. Fuck, I’ve never even kissed anybody.

You kissed Michael Dukakis at that parade when you were nine.

Yeah, that doesn’t count. He kissed me.

It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper. Look, don’t worry, Johnny. There’s a lot of alleys in Boston. One of them’s gotta have a glory hole. And if it doesn’t, we’re going to Worcester.

Look at all these welfare queens. See, tha-that’s the problem with this country. Everybody expects everything handed to them on a silver platter.

Hey, guys. Um, can I talk to you about something?

You want a tuna sandwich?

No, I’m… I’m okay.

Um… it’s about John. Uh, I think he might be on the verge of… Well, I… I think he’s interested in becoming sexually active.

What do you mean?

Well, I don’t really know how I can be clearer than that. Um, have you guys ever talked to John a-about sex?

Course not. He’s only 16.

Talking about sex is rude.

So you’re gonna rely on a gym teacher and a horny teddy bear? I mean, how do you expect him to learn what he needs to know?

When you get drafted, they show you a film.

Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, but it’s really important.

Tony Randall was in it.

You’re absolutely right, Blaire. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna clip an Ask Beth from “The Globe,” and I’ll slide it under his door.

Guys, there’s nothing shameful about human sexuality.

You’ve never been in a strip club when the lights come on. And neither have I.

Matty, this isn’t a joke, okay? He needs to know this stuff.

Look, I-I’ll talk to him when the time is right.

And I’m telling you, as somebody who knows him really well, it’s the right time. Okay, I think you’re trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, and honestly, that’s selfish of you.

All I’m trying to do is eat my lunch here. Jesus. Your period coming in or something?

I… what?

Forget it.

Coming in? Like it’s my fucking adult teeth?

Forget I brought it up.

Fuck, it sounds like you need the talk, not him. Do you have any idea how a period actually works?

I know enough.

No one’s ever explained it to you, have they?

I tried once, but Matty said it was too close to the holidays.

Oh, my God. Aunt Suze, think about your son, all right? Don’t you want John to grow up to be a sexually healthy adult?

Blaire, language.

My parents never talked to me about sex. I figured it all out on my own, and I’m doing just fine.

We’ll talk to John.

♪ ♪

[knock on door]

Come in.



Are you alone?

Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went to the store to get Doritos.

Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey.

We do?

Oh, yeah, always.

Oh, that’s right. We’re trash.

John, your father and I, we want to talk to you about something. It’s a private thing.

What is it?

John, sometimes when two grown-ups are married, and they’re in a bed, and it’s nighttime, they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas.

Jesus Christ, Susan! It’s like this, John. Men and women have different parts, and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. Just give the motor a minute to warm up. If you gun it, you’re gonna blow a gasket, seize up, and you’re looking at minimum a grand for a new engine block. That’s sex. Fuck me.

John. Someday, when you’re older, you’re gonna have your first time, and it should be special, honey.

Yeah, I’ll be fine, Mom.

I want it to be better than my first time.

God, no, please don’t…

It was 1974. And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson’s off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly, when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV. Nixon had resigned. Oh, your father, he was so distracted and just so agitated and…

Mom, really, you don’t have to do this. I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn’t. He was too upset. He just kept yelling, “The hippies have won! The hippies have won! They’ve won! They’ve won!” [sighs] I hope this helped.

♪ ♪

[lighter flicking]

Ugh. [exhales] This fucking resin’s giving me a headache.

Can’t you call your guy?

Ah, my guy won’t sell to me on Shabbat.

Ah, shit. Teddy, what if I’m a virgin forever? I mean, what do I do?

[coughing] Look, I know the glory hole thing didn’t work out, but at least we got to see the city. We met that friendly homeless guy who taught us a lesson and then died.

Yeah, but I mean, like, what if this is my future?

Well, if it is, you just gotta learn to live with the embarrassment.

Yeah, I mean, it could be worse. I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls and had to go to the hospital.


Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that’s humiliation.

Like… like, Mr. Belvedere from the TV show?

Yeah. Yeah, man. He was riding in a convertible during the Hollywood Christmas parade, fell backwards, crushed his own balls.

Jesus. Would you rather have that happen to you at a parade or what happened to JFK happen to you at a parade?

Oh, God, I honestly don’t know.

Yeah, that’s a tough one, right?

That’s a really tough one. That’s, like, one of the hardest would-you-rathers I’ve ever heard.

I know. That’s, like, a brainteaser.

God, I’m too high to think about that.

Yeah, it’s a tough one.

Okay, all right, fuck this. We gotta get some real weed.

Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt?

What, like, smoking-hot Sheila?

Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before. She sent us to that dealer who turned out to be Blaire.

Oh, yeah, that wasn’t good.

Well, it’s just like Homeless Joe said. Be careful what you wish…

[together] Agh, my heart.


Yeah, he died.

♪ ♪

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Ted, right?

Yeah, that’s right. Uh, hey, is your sister here?

Uh, yeah. Sheila, you got company! See you later.


Oh. Hi, Bethany.

Hi. How’s it going?

Uh, it’s going good. My, uh… my teddy bear’s upstairs buying drugs from your sister.

Ah, nice. Wh… sex ed class was weird the other day.

Oh, yeah, it was super weird.

Yeah, I still can’t get the image of Mr. Maynard putting a condom on a banana out of my head.

Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like… like, can you imagine, like, being a banana, and… and, like, you get picked, and then you get put on a boat, and then you get put into the market, and… and you’re thinking the whole time, like, oh, I hope I get to be made into, like, a cream pie or, like, used as a phone for humor. And then you’re just sitting in our class, pretending to be a dick.

Well, I-I gotta go.

Oh, okay, yeah, for sure. Yeah.


Good to see you. See you later.

You promise this is just for you, right? ‘Cause I don’t want to get busted for enabling.

Nope, just me and the rest of the guys in the doo-wop group. Those guys need a buzz to feel the music, you know. Me, I’m good when I’m straight. That’s why I’m always the one talking to management about payment. You know, anything logistic like that, it always falls on my…

Yeah, yeah. You looking for something mellow or something more potent?

Well, my last guy gave me something that was pretty good. It was called Confident Gorilla. You got any of that?

I don’t think so, but I just got this new batch called Heartbeat Fingers.

Ah, yeah, no, that… no, tha-that doesn’t sound so good. Uh, uh, what else?

Uh, let me look.

So, Sheila, no offense, but you ever think about doing something about that god-awful name?

Got it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, by the way, just FYI, Sheila is her dead mother’s name, so we’re not allowed to shop here anymore.

Oh, man, Kafka Trip? Isn’t this the stuff that made me think the Land O’Lakes lady was mad at me?

Well, she only had a few other batches. Uh, Heartbeat Fingers, Bathroom Mirror Reckoning, What Was That, and Why Won’t The Pee Start.


All right, go on. Put it in your bag.

Hey! Hey, we need that pot, you motherfucker!

[both grunting]

Get off me!

Jesus, nice save!

Man, fuck that guy. We should call the fucking cops.

Yeah, maybe… maybe under the circumstances, no.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oh, hey, Bethany. Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.

I can’t believe you did that. That was so cool!

No, I was just reacting in the moment. It’s not that big a deal.

No, that took guts. You’re, like, kind of awesome.

Well, you know, when you’re addicted to a substance, you can do anything you put your mind to.

I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon, but after that, would you maybe want to hang out? Maybe see a movie or get food or whatever?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Want to pick me up at 7:00?



See ya.

Holy shit, I got a date.

A date? Johnny, look at the big picture. This is your chance to have sex.

What, you think so?

She called you “cool.” Chicks have sex with cool guys.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Fuck “maybe.” Trust me on this. We are gonna make sure you don’t blow this opportunity. And I will guide you. I will be… [grunting] Your Master Yoda.

I mean, I guess I could try.

Screw or screw not. There is no try. Now, let’s get you some exercise. Run, Johnny, run! Run! “Yes, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force, but beware the dark side.” I mean, unless she says it’s okay.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Are we sure about this?

Look, you gotta have condoms locked and loaded on your date. When you get… well, you know, maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready.

There’s a lot of options. I don’t know what to pick.

Well, which one speaks to you?

Maybe these? “Ribbed for her pleasure”?

Good choice. And you want to know a trick? You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure.

You can do that?

Oh, yeah, she’ll be like, where’s the pleasure? And you’ll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don’t know. Uh, I didn’t know there was any pleasure.

Can I help you young men pick out a condom?

Uh, no. Act-actually, we were… we were just leaving.

Oh, please don’t go. One of the joys of my job is pairing the right young man with the right condom.

Oh, that’s… normal.

Well, I don’t really know what I want.

Well, tell me about the girl.

Um, she’s got medium brown hair, average height. I-I think she might be on the swim team.

I see. Jewish?

I don’t think so.

Well, that rules these out. What about community activism? Does she do any charity work?

I… I honestly don’t know.

Why don’t you try a Ramses? Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather, can withstand over 300 pounds of torque.

Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do?

Uh, thank you.

I just want to say, I’ve been watching you shop here for years. I’ve been waiting for this day. Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but… [whispers] Congratulations.

I need an adult! I need an adult! It’s okay. It’s all right, Johnny. It’s all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy. Keep the extra.

Hey! You! Get away from that kid! Now, how can I help you?

♪ ♪

Okay, now, I’m gonna time you on this.

This feels weird.

Look, you have trouble taking off her bra, she’s gonna know you’re a virgin.

Shit, really?

Trust me, all right? Now take it off.


What are you doing?

Well, I’m not gonna make it easy for you. You gotta work for it.

Jesus. Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp.

Oh, no, you gotta earn it. All right, now let’s pretend you’re a randy executive and I’m your secretary. Go.

[high-pitched] Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself! For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you’re a married man!

Teddy, come on!

Who’s Teddy? I’m Debra. I just moved to the big city with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams and an associate’s degree from Katharine Gibbs.

Uh, hi. What the hell are you doing in my bra?

The question is, what am I still doing in your bra. Johnny?

I’ve got a date with Bethany Borgwardt, and I’m… I’m practicing in case we have sex.

Practicing what?

I want her to think I’m experienced, you know, like I’ve done it a lot.

Okay. Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic. Uh, one, whoever this girl is, she’s not gonna want to have sex with you if she thinks that’s all you’re interested in. And two, she’s definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks you’ve been sleeping around with other girls.

Wait, so I can’t want to have sex with her?

No, you just… eh, you can’t want it too much, you know?

Okay, well, what’s the right amount to want it?

Just be yourself. Okay? The rest will happen naturally.

Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina. Am I getting that number right, John, zero?

Yeah, yeah, zero. I think… [sighs] I think I’m gonna do it Ted’s way.

That is a very self-destructive sentence.

Blaire, please, you’re disrupting a teachable moment.

Fuck it. Whatever, I tried. Just give me my bra back.

Now you know!

Teddy, we’re missing something here.


How am I even supposed to get to the sex if she doesn’t have a good time? I mean, I haven’t even planned the fucking date.

Johnny, you are gonna take her on the best date of her life.

What do you mean? How?

Your teddy bear’s got you covered.

♪ ♪

Hey, Bethany. This is for you.

Ted? What’s this?

Your attire for the evening.

Wh… I-I’m wearing my outfit for the evening. Where’s John?

He awaits you on your flying carpet.

[sweeping orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Oh, John, I-I can’t believe you did this.

Yeah, well, it’s our first date. I wanted to make it special.

I have sort of a confession to make.

What is it?

I still haven’t seen Aladdin.

Aw, man. Are you serious? I thought, like, every girl loved that movie.

My friends love it. I have kind of weird taste in movies.

Like what?

It’s kind of embarrassing.

No, you gotta tell me now.

Well, there’s this really good bad movie from the early ’80s called Flash Gordon.

No fuckin’ way!

You’ve seen Flash Gordon?

Oh, only, like, a thousand times! Of course. It’s my favorite fucking movie.

You’re just saying that.

No, no, no. “Who are you? Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.”

I love that! And when Princess Aura’s like, “Father! Damn you, Father!”

Oh, man, is that a four-pack-a-day voice or what?

Dude, those lungs are working overtime.

Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like, “That must be one hell of a planet you men come from.” And Flash says..

[together] “Not too bad.”

Oh, my God. Holy shit. I have never met a girl who liked that movie.

Well, now you have.

Oh, shit!

[tires screech]


[both grunting]

[squirrel chitters]

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ, are you guys okay?

I think so.

Johnny, Johnny, you all right? Talk to me!

Teddy? Did I sex?

You sure did, buddy. You sexed real good. You sexed real good.

♪ ♪

You know, you’re lucky you weren’t more hurt. How are you feeling now?

Not too bad, actually. My arm is a little…

No, him.

Oh, right, yeah.

I’m okay. Uh, you know, it doesn’t hurt that much. Uh, doctor, I-I really have no idea how this happened. You know, we were both sitting inside the car, and we had our seatbelts on, you know, as is required by law…

Son, this isn’t my first night in the ER. I saw the carpet burns. I know when kids have been “A Whole New World-ing.” I curse the day that movie came out. All right. You’re gonna be okay. There’s no concussion. But I need you to get some rest for the next few days. And stay off cars.

Okay. Thanks.

Listen, I’m… I’m sorry about tonight. You know, it was stupid.

No, it wasn’t. It was romantic and thoughtful.

Wait, so you’re not mad?

No. I like you… a lot.

Okay, well, do you maybe want to go on an inside-the-car date sometime?


I have a better idea. I was supposed to go to the prom with Danny Hirsh, but his acne has reached a point where I need to take action. Would you maybe want to go?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Cool. I’m actually kind of surprised you don’t have a date already. Although I guess I haven’t seen you around school with a girlfriend.

Oh, John’s had lots of girlfriends.


Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You’re looking at a guy with a whole lot of experience… with fucking. Right, Johnny?

Uh… uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m still sore from yesterday, you know? Yeah, a whole lot of… whole lot of pounds of torque.


Trust me, this guy knows his way around a woman. You know what they call him at school? The Ladyboy. He’s that seasoned.

Sorry, we need this room. We got another one. Goddamn movie.

♪ ♪

Guess what? One of the eggs had two yolks. I can’t wait to get invited to a party. I have small talk.

Well, you know, uh, Johnny also has some good news.

Aw, shut up, man.

No, no, no. No, no, no, we’re doing this. I’m proud of you, man. Our boy has been invited to the prom.



Are you serious?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Invited? She invited you?


See that, Susan? Still think the Clintons are harmless?

Times are changing, Matty. You gotta keep up.

Oh, John!

I’m so happy for you. [chuckles] Who’s the lucky girl?

Bethany Borgwardt.

Wait, the… the girl from the other night? The one with the…

The bra lady, yeah. Guess somebody gave him some good advice.

Well, I’m very surprised. Uh, I guess, good luck.

All right, I gotta go to work. I’ll see you later.

Don’t forget your lunch, honey.

[grunts] Take the fruit out! I can’t be seen at work with a plum!

Why? There’s fiber in here, hon. You haven’t made caca yet.

Hey, Blaire, you know, since Johnny’s got a date, how about you and me go to the prom?

Yeah, no thanks.

Why not?

A high school prom? Been there, done that. No booze, no thanks.

Ah, come on. Don’t leave me hanging! Johnny’s gonna be off getting laid. I don’t want to be stuck talking to a bunch of wiener bags.

Don’t you think you’re being a little overconfident about this? I mean, he just started dating this girl.

Yeah, but it’s… it’s going really good, Blaire. We had a great time on our first date. Even the hospital was fun.

Yeah, they’re gonna fuck for sure. I mean, unless, you know, the timing’s off.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you know, if… if she’s gotta make her period.


You know, if it’s that time of the week.

Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period?

Well, like, you can’t have sex then, right? Like, I heard that if you have sex while a girl’s doing her period, then… then you could go back in time.

I think I just went back in time. Does any male in this house actually even fucking know how it works? Well, do you?

I-I do not.

I actually have no idea, no.



Ugh. Okay.

I actually was always kind of curious.

There’s, like, a… a little tube, right?

Yes, a tampon.

Oh, yeah, I know that word.

Is a crampon also something?

A crampon is used for rock climbing. It’s got nothing to do with periods.

Oh. It’s weird that it has the word “cramp” in there though, yeah?

Two completely different things.

But you can see why I thought…

Okay, you want to make jokes, or you want to fucking learn something?

I wasn’t making a joke! I didn’t know about the rock climbing! God!

How’s it work? Give me your best guess.

You put the tampon inside.

Genius, yes. How?

Y-you swallow it.

You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina, and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out.

And this happens all the time?

Once a month for just a few days.

Is it shorter in February?

You want to get fucking wet?

No, no, no. No, I’m good, I’m good.

Look, I know you guys think you’re pretty smart. But maybe you’re not as ready for sex as you think you are.

[phone ringing]


John, it’s Bethany.

Oh, hey, Bethany. Yeah, we were, uh… we were just talking about the prom. I’m really excited. What time should I pick you up?

Yeah, about that, I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s better if we go separately.

Wait… wait, what? Why?

I just think you might be a little bit too, um, experienced for me.

No, but… [splutters]

[high-pitched] Come back to bed, Johnny! I’m one of your many satisfied sexual partners!

[whispers] Stop!

[whispers] What? He’s gonna thank me.

No, he’s not!


Hey, uh, can we talk about this?

I’m sure you’ve got lots of other girls who’d love to go with you. Maybe you ask one of them. Sorry.

She dumped me.


Yeah, it’s… it’s over.

No, it’s not. We are gonna do what they do in the movies. Go over there tonight, stand on her lawn, and declare your love for all the world to hear.


[siren chirps]

Sorry about that, Officer. Thank you so much.

Our apologies. Won’t happen again.

Wow, that was so not good. Yeah, her dad really did not care that you love her.

I can’t believe I listened to you. You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy!

It’s okay, Johnny. We can still salvage this. All right, there’s gonna be a lot of girls at the prom. We’re gonna get you a fake chest. We’ll stick a sock in your pants.

This isn’t just about sex, okay? How many times do I have to stand here and tell you, I really like her? She’s wicked cool. We’ve got a lot in common.

Wasn’t it pretty much just Flash Gordon?

We could have built off that. Where am I gonna find another girl who likes that movie? I mean, you and me like it, but that’s mostly ’cause of drugs.

Okay, look, I fucked up, all right? But we can still have fun at the prom. Come on, we’ll spike the punch and stuff the ballot box so a couple of horse-faced kids win King and Queen.

If you want to go to the prom, you can do it without me.


[melancholy music]

[jazzy music]

Come on, hurry up, before I change my mind. Oh, my God, that’s… that’s the tie you landed on?

Yeah, what’s wrong with it?

You’re wearing a fucking piano tie to prom. What are you, in an a-ha video?

Well, you know, it’s kind of hard to tie a bow tie when you got no fingers. You look great, by the way. See? See how easy that is, to give someone a compliment?

Oh, look at you two, all dressed up! Oh, Matty, don’t they look nice?


Blaire, you should wear girl clothes more often, hon.


Is John going too?

No, he’s, uh… he’s still pretty upset.

Oh, no, my baby.

Matty, why don’t you go talk to him?


Go talk to John.

What do you mean?

Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi? Go speak to your son. Do, like, a, I don’t know, father-type thing.

You know, I remember my junior prom and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb. He was so nervous, he accidentally stabbed me putting on the corsage. And I didn’t want to make a fuss or anything like that, so I spent the whole night with this carnation stuck to my breast.

Jesus, this fucking story again. I’ll talk to John.

And then I got sepsis, and I’m still not allowed to swim.

Hey, Johnny, wrap it up. I need your help.

Just started the game.

Tough shit. I gotta load our old refrigerator in the back of the truck, dump it in the woods.

It’s 7:30 at night.

Yeah. This isn’t exactly legal, John. But I’ll be damned if I’m paying for bulky-item pickup. Besides, it’ll be fun for kids to play in.

Can’t we just do it another time?

Why? It’s not like you have anywhere to go, right?

Dad, I know what you’re doing.

I’m not doing anything. I just need another set of hands.

I’m not going to prom! All right? I… I got dumped. It’ll be too embarrassing.

Life is a series of embarrassments. Bosses humiliating you, your wife nagging you all the time, going off to fight in the one war where you’re the bad guy. I mean, fuck.

Is this supposed to be a pep talk?

All I’m saying is, you only get so many nights like this one, John. There are no junior proms when you’re an adult. You miss this one, that’s fucking it. The rest of your life is spending all day breaking your back, and all night standing at a toilet, peeing in Morse code. … All right. … There you go.

[indistinct chatter, music thumping]

♪ Rhythm is a dancer ♪

♪ It’s a soul’s companion ♪

♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪

♪ Lift your hands and voices ♪

♪ Free your mind and join us ♪

See, this ain’t so bad, right?

Thanks to this, not the worst night of my life.

Yeah, well, I’m having a nice time with you too. And the compliment-free evening continues. Hey, Javier! Ha! I know that guy.

No one was looking at you.

Yeah, it’s just… there was… there was the one guy.

No, I have great eyes, and no one was looking.

No, it’s just… it’s this thing we do, the two of us. Ah, that’s so him.

Have you made any fucking friends this year?

Uh, not really, no.

[whooping and laughter]

Shit, Ted, look.

Hey! Hey, Johnny!

Hey, John.

Hey, buddy. Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man. He was up to his old tricks.

Shit, again? Man, I really gotta meet that guy. He sounds awesome.

I know, I… fuck, he’s always just leaving when you get here. I-I don’t… I don’t know how that happens.

Well, listen, man, I… I’m really sorry for laying into you like that.

No, man, I’m sorry. I fucked things up between you and Bethany. I should have just kept my big mouth shut and let you be yourself.

No, man, it’s not all your fault. I didn’t have to listen to you. I made my own choices.

I think I know how to un-fuck things.

Bethany. Hi.



So listen, I was wondering if you’d maybe give me another chance.

John, look. I think you’re a nice-enough guy, but you’re not the guy for me. I-I’m just not interested in being a notch in someone’s belt.

Okay, well, that’s what I’m here to tell you.

I’ve never had sex, okay? I’m a virgin. I-I said that I had because I thought it would impress you. It was stupid.

So you lied to me?

Well, yeah. I’m sorry.

How do I know you’re not lying now?

I’m not. I’m not. I swear to God. And I think I can prove it.

Excuse me. I need that mic. I got something to say.

Sorry, it’s against the rules… unless it’s for true love.

It is.

Go get her.

[music stops]

Hi. Hi, every… [feedback whines] Oh, that’s loud. Hi, everyone. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry for the interruption. I, uh, uh, just have a real quick question. Who here has had sex with me? Nobody. You want to know why? Because I’m a virgin. I was too embarrassed to admit it until tonight, but it’s the truth. And you know what? I bet I’m not alone. I bet there are more of you out there just like me, so let’s stop being embarrassed and let our voices be heard. Who out there is a virgin?

[hushed chatter]

[stifled laughter]


What the fuck?

What? He was drowning. No sense in me going down with him.


Hey. Hey, John, wait up! I can’t believe you just did that.

Oh. Yeah, it was pretty stupid.

Yeah, very stupid. [chuckles] But it took guts.

Well, I mean, it’s not like my social life could get any worse.

[chuckles] Well… you want to know a secret?


You’re not the only person at this school who hasn’t… you know.

Wait. [chuckles] Wait, you’re a virgin too?


You know, I don’t think I believe you.


I think you gotta get up and tell the whole school.

Yeah, no thanks. I’m not an idiot.

Oh, you sure? Why not? It’s a great feeling. I can’t recommend it enough.


Do you want to get out of here? Maybe hang at my house? My dad and his girlfriend are out for the night.


[All-4-One’s “I Swear”]

♪ And I swear ♪

♪ I swear ♪

♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪

♪ I’ll be there ♪

♪ I’ll be there ♪

♪ I swear ♪

♪ And I swear ♪

I think those two might just make it.

Yeah, I think so too.

Well, now what?

One of the goth kids in the parking lot gave me a pill. I got no idea what it is. You want to split it?

♪ For better or worse ♪

♪ Till death do us part ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He’s a mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ All right ♪

[giggles] What are you doing back there?

Trying to unhook your bra.

Well, if there was any doubt about your being a virgin…

Ah! Ah, shit, all right. I think I tore it, and I might have fucking cut myself.

Here, why don’t I get it? Um, do you have a condom?

Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up at the pharmacy helped me pick one out.


Nothing. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I got one.

Good, ’cause I think we should have sex.


Holy shit, Blaire was right.


Nothing. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.

♪ ‘Cause his mama taught him that ♪

♪ I got a good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ A mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ What a man, what a man ♪

[breaking news jingle plays]

Oh, my God!

What? What? What’s wrong?


Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco presumed to be the vehicle of OJ Simpson. Now, as you can see there, it’s traveling very slowly…

Holy shit!

Yeah. Yeah, that’s really something.

Fuck! Does this mean he actually did do it?

Speaking of doing it…

Where do you think he’s going? And why are they driving so slow?

I’m sure the LAPD has its best men on it.

I mean, he must have done it, right? Why else is he running?

Times like these, all we can really do is hold each other close.

Fuck! I mean, he was Nordberg in The Naked Gun, and now he might be a murderer?

I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would really want us to make the most of this night.

And now we’re hearing reports that he has a gun.

Oh, my God. I don’t think this is gonna have a happy ending.

No fucking shit.

To repeat, he is believed…

[jazzy music]

It’s just like what happened with my parents and Nixon. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I’m my mother.

Well, your mother actually had sex, so that comparison doesn’t really work. But at least you got a girlfriend now.

Eh, sort of.

Whoa, what do you mean, “sort of”?

Bethany’s spending the summer in Italy. She’s leaving tomorrow.

Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. That vagina’s gonna be right where you left it.

You think so?

Oh, yeah, Italian guys are famous for their sexual restraint and respect for women.

Oh, you were saying…

I was saying the opposite.

You were doing a bit. You were doing, like, a bit, like an opposite thing.

I was saying the thing they don’t do.

You motherfucker.


Man, junior year was weird, huh?

Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it.


But you know what?

Would’ve sucked way worse without you, buddy.

Thanks, man.

That touches me deeply… which is what’s gonna happen to Bethany in Italy.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, you motherfucker.

That was the last one.

Like, seriously though?

I know you’re hurting. That was the last one. Last one.

I wonder what senior year’s gonna be like.

I don’t know. But you know what? I say we make it great. Really turn our lives around, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all the summer reading and shit, like, show up prepared.

Yeah, maybe even get a jump on our college applications.

Yeah. That sounds great. First thing tomorrow. Looks like it might rain.

[thunder crashes] Jesus fucking Christ!

Fucking shit! Why does it have to do that?

Oh, my God, it’s so fucking scary.

I hate the thunder!

Fuck you, thunder!

Yeah, you can suck my dick!

Oh, my God, Teddy. You thinking what I’m thinking?

Get the guitar.

♪ ♪

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

♪ I’m just a clown ♪

♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don’t care ’cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

♪ ♪


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!