Ted – S01-E04 – Subways, Bicycles and Automobiles | Transcript

Ted's Halloween plans with John are thwarted when Blaire forces him to be her designated driver
Ted - S01-E04 - Subways, Bicycles and Automobiles

Season 1 Episode 4
Episode Title: Subways, Bicycles and Automobiles
Original release date: January 11, 2024

As payback for taking the fall for John and Ted in the previous episode, Blaire forces Ted to be her designated driver on Halloween night, which gets in the way of his and John’s plans to throw eggs at trick-or-treaters. Ted ends up getting drunk at the party and crashes Blaire’s car, with their quest home only being prolonged as they suffer multiple, progressively weirder, setbacks. Meanwhile, John is bored at home waiting for Ted, who promised to be home by 9:00. Susan attempts to remedy this by calling over her friend’s eccentric, thirty-eight-year-old son to keep him company. John is unamused by this, but does learn a valuable lesson in seizing every moment of his life.

* * *

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I’m sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, baby. Here we go.

Let the festivities begin.

How many have we got?

Well, let’s see. We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each. That’s got to be like, 20 dozen eggs, right?

Fucking fantastic.

Do you think we’re getting too old for this?

Oh, come on, Johnny, we’re doing a public service here. If a kid leaves the house in a less than stellar Halloween costume, he’s got to get the bad news before he makes a fool of himself all over town. We’re Samaritans. You remember last year?

Oh, check it out. There’s one.

Hey, nice costume, fuckface!

Ah! What the hell?

Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be?

I’m the Hulk.

Yeah, no, you’re not.

Yes, I am!

The Hulk doesn’t have a fucking picture of the Hulk on his chest.

Yeah, the Hulk’s shirt doesn’t say “The Hulk” on it.

Yeah, if you got to tell us you’re the Hulk, it’s already a failed narrative.

Fuck you.

Ah! You assholes! Hulk angry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

Hulk smash!

Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash there.

Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself in the third person?

I know. He’s like Bob Dole.


All right, how much time we got?

Uh, a couple hours.

What do you want to do?

Scary movie?

Scary movie.

Wait, what the hell? Where’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Hey, hey, Blaire.


I thought you were going to rent scary movies.

I did.

Walt Disney’s Watcher in the Woods, what the fuck?

Chainsaws are lazy and obvious. This is cerebral. And it’s a really scary movie.

[scoffs] Walt Disney?

Early ’80s Disney, the dark period.

Oh, what dark period? It’s fucking Disney.

You’ll be scared.

Oh, come on, I saw Aladdin, and I was fine. I wasn’t sitting there like, oh, no, fucking Jafar.

You know, we’re not kids anymore, Blaire.


I haven’t cried last four haircuts.


I’m using deodorant now.

Yeah, deodorant.

Fine, I dare you to watch it. See if it doesn’t mess you up.

Fine, sure.

No problem.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, I don’t like this.

This is not good.



Both: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Don’t like this.

Come on.

Oh, stop.

Come on.

Stop it.

Come on.

Oh, stop it!

Come on.

Stop it!

[both scream]


Come on!

What the fuck?

Come on!

Fuck, you’re a piece of shit, Blaire.

Oh, my God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Get it off.

Turn it off.

Turn it the fuck off.

Oh, my God.


I’m never looking in a mirror again.

Me neither, fucking God!

I’m never going to be able to shave.

Yeah. Thanks, Blaire. Now he’s going to have to grow a mustache.

Oh, that’s going to limit my career choices.

Yeah, he’s going to have to be a cop or a fireman.

Oh, those are dangerous jobs.

Yeah. What if he gets killed? God, Blaire, you’re such a fucker.

Well, next time, don’t be so smug with all your cocky deodorant talk.

[phone ringing]


Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag.

Oh, hey, Sharon. What’s up?

Mirrors and small children pointing at things that you can’t see.

Oh, shit. Yeah, that’s a bad one.

God, are you sure?

Oh, and when the Black guy says, oh, I’ll go check out what the noise is in the basement. That’s always trouble.

Well, thank you for telling me.

Yeah, why does the Black guy always die?

No, it’s fine. I’ll figure it out.

Yeah, isn’t that kind of racist?

Seems like it.

They should have only white people in those movies.

Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won’t get killed.

Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.

Blaire, we just came up with a great way to make movies less racist.

Sharon is conscientiously objecting to this costume party tonight, so I need a designated driver. Can you do it?

Me? No, not tonight.

Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans.

Well, I can’t drive myself. I’ll be full of Jell-O shots.

So you have a few drinks, big deal. You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? How fun it is.

John doesn’t have his license yet. And you…

It’s like a video game.

You owe me.

For what?

I took the heat went Aunt Suze found the porno you guys rented.

What do I care? She’s not my mom. My mom’s an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis.

How do you know that?

Because she sewed a note in my leg that says she’s never had a vegetable.

Come on, Ted. Please, you got to drive me.

It’s not a good night, Blaire. We got plans.

Yeah. Now, I’m going to go shower and fluff myself, so I can be in a confident head space to shame trick-or-treaters. The cuter I look, the worse they feel.

[vocalizing] ♪ Macarena ♪

[vocalizing] ♪ Macarena ♪

[vocalizing] ♪ Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

Ah, where’s the goddamn conditioner?

Help me.


Be my designated driver.

Jesus Christ, Blaire, what the fuck!


What the fuck is wrong with you? I’m naked.

You’re always naked.

Yeah, but I’m bathroom naked. I’m washing my bear parts. Get lost.

Help me.

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Drive me to the party.

I said no. Stop fucking scaring me. God!

You can end this very easily, you know.

I will not be blackmailed.

[crickets chirping]

There’s nothing like the scent of the hills of Kilkenny to make you feel fresh. And we put a bit of that into every bar of Irish Spring.

This whole ad campaign is a bluff.

What do you mean?

It’s like, you know who smells good? The Irish. Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great.

Is it warm in here?

Yeah, it is kind of warm.

Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat. I’m going to check the thermostat.

No, wait.


It’s her. It’s fucking Blaire. You open that door, she’s going to be right there with that fucking blindfold. Here, I’ll open a window.

Help me.

Ah! All right, goddammit!

Forbidden donut.

Well, well, finishing something?


Now, remember, the instant you finish it…

Oh, my God! You two look so adorable.

Thank you.

All right, let me guess who you are. Blaire, you’re Batman.

Close, Catwoman.


And, Ted, you’re Lawrence of Arabia.

Yeah, that’s exactly right. All right, now don’t worry, Johnny. I’ll be back by 9:00. Right, Blaire? That was the deal.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

We’re going to miss the first round.

Yeah, but that’s just the little kids. We’ll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd.

Yeah, I guess.

OK, well, we got to go.

All right, you two. You have a fun time now. Oh, Johnny, don’t look so sad. I have a fun surprise for you.

What is it?

I’ve hidden a Heath bar somewhere in this house.

Can I get a hint?

Oh, I can’t do this to you. It’s in the hamper. I’ll go get it.

[Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes”]

♪ ♪


Oh, my God.

You look so good.

You look so good.

Oh, you guys look amazing.

You look amazing.


This is Ted. Ted, you know Sarah. And this is Paige.


Hey, Ted. How’s it going?

Hey, how are you?

What’s your costume?

Are you a caveman?

You ever see Return of the Jedi? It was kind of a small independent film, mostly Israeli financed.

Yeah, I don’t date men, so I don’t need to learn this.

Well, come on, we need to get you guys wasted.

Yes, yes for me, but Ted here is my designated driver.

Yeah, I’m the guy that gets to listen to the Spin Doctors sober.

That sucks. Come on.



Want a drink?

I can’t, I’m driving.

Oh, too bad. I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear.

Fuck it, I’m not driving yet.

[hip-hop music]

I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear.

Sign me up.

♪ ♪

I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear.

If that’s a cry for help, you got the wrong guy.



All righty, kids. You take care now, and happy Halloween.

Say thank you, kids.

Thank you.

Oh, you’re welcome. And be careful of the razor blades, all right? They’re everywhere.


Get the bacitracin.

The bacitra… why?

An ostrich bit me.

A what?

A goddamn ostrich! I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxford. And he keeps ostriches, doesn’t want them getting past the property line. And one of them bit me on the fucking ass!

Wow, I’ve never seen an ostrich in person before. Your job is so interesting.

Susan, will you help me out here?

I’ll get the bacitracin.

Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket wrapped in a little goddamn note!


Hey, Mom, do we have any more chip…

Take a long look, Johnny. This is what life is.


Cheers, fucksticks.


[hip-hop music]

Ah. Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying? Watch this. Everybody wave your arms!


Everybody jump in the air!


Let’s invade Poland!


See that? That’s the Milgram experiment. That’s how it starts, with dancing. The dad from Footloose was right. … Oh, shit! It’s 8:30. Blaire, Blaire, it’s 8:30. We got to go.

God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is. Does it just naturally dry like that?

Shut the fuck up. Your hair’s the beautiful hair.

Wait a minute, are… are you drunk?

I’m just a little… it’s sort of. It’s fine.

You’re fucking drunk!

Well, so are you.

Yeah, well, that was the plan. [sighs] Sorry.

♪ ♪

How the hell are we supposed to get home? You’re completely fucked up.

It’s a straight shot. You take the Neponset Circle, to 93 South, to 90 West, to 495 North, and you just do that U-turn at the light in front of the police station, and you’re home.

Yeah, no, I’m not getting in a car with you.

Look, what’s done is done. But we both promised Johnny we’d get me back in time for egging, all right? I’m fine to drive.

You’re not driving my car drunk, OK? It’s… it’s my car. I should be the drunk driver.

All right, fair enough. I’ll help by screaming out things I see.

Hey, Blaire.

Professor Damon, hi.

Who’s this now?

How are you?

Good, good. Feeling sharp.

Feeling sharp?

Shut the fuck up.

I love the Batman costume.

Oh, thanks.

And who’s Lawrence of Arabia here?

Ted, talking teddy bear, hi.

Oh, Ted. Yes, of course. I remember your story very well.

Yeah. Well, it’s nice meeting you. Come on. Let’s go, Blaire.

You in a rush? Why don’t you come up to the house for a minute? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about. I just went to the store. I could whip us up a little caprese salad.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I love salad.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, hang on.

Oh, you’re invited too, Ted. See you in a few?

Awesome, yeah. See you in a few.


You buttnut! I promised Johnny I’d be home by 9:00.

You clearly don’t know who that is.

Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding a moped, fucking winner.

That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor. The Lucas Damon who also happens to be a New York Times best-selling novelist.

Yeah, was the novel about a guy who couldn’t afford a car?

[mockingly] Was the guy… no, he’s looking for a student research assistant for his next book. Literally everybody wants this job.

“I love salad.” See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad.

I do. I really love salad.

Not one person on this planet loves salad.

I do.

You’re on death row. Your last meal, you can have a steak or a salad.

I’m going to choose a salad.

Fuck you! You’re getting a steak. After what you did to that family… the baby’s ear was on the ceiling! I’ve been doing this job 20 years. I never seen anything so horrible.


Oh, Christ, I’m fucked up. Yeah, it’s good you’re driving.


My latest work is a piece of historical fiction that examines race and class in 19th-century New England.

Wow, that sounds incredible.

Hey, great salad, by the way. I love that there are no croutons.

It explores the balance between sociopolitical change and personal relationships as seen through the eyes of a labor organizer in Martha’s Vineyard. There’s a plot twist that will shock you.

Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes that’s not 85 degrees?

You know, John Irving always starts a novel with the last sentence. I like to start with the second to last. Would you like to hear it?


[clears throat] The horizon wept as Clara’s undraped mortal frame joined the coiled multitudes, elation, revolution, a taste of bitter blood.

It’s brilliant. It evokes the best of James Joyce without feeling derivative or overly aureate.

Hey, how’d you get inside my head?


I’ll freshen our drinks. Ted, I’m sure Blaire has warned you, I’m the fun professor.


Jesus fucking Christ. Are you shitting me?


What do you mean, what? We’re sitting here wasting time because this fucking horndog just wants to bang you.

Excuse me. Where the hell are you getting that?

Oh, my God, Blaire, it’s so obvious. He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk…

OK, I’m not drunk.

What are you talking about? “I love that there are no croutons.”

Yeah, it’s called being polite.

When did you become…

You should fucking try it.

…anti crouton just for this buttnut?

I’m trying to make fucking conversation.

And by the way, I’m guessing this is the first time he’s seen you dressed like this, as opposed to your usual fashion, which is basically Melissa Ethridge at a flea market.

I know when I’m being hit on, OK? I have seven uncles.

You know what else? I’m just going to say it, that salad tastes like Dustin Hoffman’s balls.

Here we go, more wine. Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac?

Yeah. Listen, we got to go. I got to take medicine for my diabetes.

Oh, I’m so sorry. You have diabetes?

Oh, yeah, real bad.

Oh. Type 1 or 2?

Well, it started with just one diabete. And then, you know, left unchecked…

I completely understand. Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister.

Great, thanks for having us. Come on, Blaire. Let’s get the fuck out of here, huh?

Pleasure. As Borges said, “With every goodbye, you learn.”

As Steinbeck said, “Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. Goodbye is short and final.”

As Hemingway said, “I wonder what this gun tastes like.” All right, come on. Let’s go, huh?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad.

It’s after 9:00. Ted promised to be back by now.

Oh, I’m sorry, honey. Well, if you want, you can help me clean your father’s ostrich bite.

Seriously? That’s… that’s your best offer, Dad’s ass?

Oh. Well, what if you invited a friend over?

In case you haven’t noticed, Ted’s my only friend.

That lovely new woman from church, Carol, said she has a son. I think he’s about your age.

I don’t care.

He’s probably growing into his body just like you. Should I invite him over?

What the fuck? No.

I think I’ll call Carol.


Susan, the gauze came off. It’s leaking again. Susan. Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a T-shirt you don’t wear. Nothing with a decal!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. Can you fucking watch the road? That was a red light.

I see it. I just… I choose not to let it define me.

Pull over. I’m going to drive.

Fuck that. You’re the one who was chugging wine with that professor of cliterature. You know, like… like literature, but like…

Yeah, no.

With like, a clitoris.

I know what you mean.

All right. Just checking, God. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, and you’re a fucking moron, by the way. You know that?

I’m a moron? Why am I a moron?

That man is a brilliant writer. And what are you? A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem.

Hey, at least I have a drug problem. Wait, what? Sorry. Fuck. I’m really fucked up, man.

Great, well, you know, maybe then you can acknowledge the fact that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Look, will you just shut up and drive?

You’re driving!

[horns blaring]

Oh, fuck!

[tires screeching]

OK, that was a red light.

Hey, honey, I’m home.


Ow! I told you to get the salted crackers.

Johnny, come on downstairs!

Oh! [laughter]

John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about.

Yo, yo, yo.

Will’s also looking for something to do on Halloween.


John needs a friend tonight. He’s upset because his teddy bear’s not here.

That’s cool, man. Wow, this place is like a mansion.

I’m going to go make you boys some spooky cookies.



[laughs] I’ll take a lamb chop, though. If you got one, just get it going. I’ll take it. It’s… so what do you wanna do?

How old are you?

38. I live with my mom by choice.


A little bit about myself. I work in quality control at General Mills. I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal. I’m the last line of defense between your mouth and rat feces.

I… I hope you’re good at your job.

I’m not. Stop eating cereal. What else is there? I own every Steely Dan album. I’m an expert dungeon master. I dabble in animal husbandry. I guess what I’m trying to say, Johnny, is you can have it all. You want a Zima?

A Zi… no, I’m good.

You want to look at some porn?

You got porn?

Fuck yeah, I got porn. Here, check this out.

These are drawings.


This is… this is porn that you drew.

Yeah, my mom won’t let me look at the real stuff because of the cigarette ads, so…

Why… why are they all…

Oh, I can’t do hands.



You know what the weirdest part is, man? Now when a girl has hands, I hate it.

Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion-O?

That is Winona Ryder fuck… yeah. I gave her a ton of bush.

I doubt she has that much bush in real life, but that’s the beauty of art, right? It can be anything we imagine it to be.

His dick is a sword.

You’ll never guess what his sword is.

Is it a dick?

A dick.


It’s a dick.

This one gets me so good. Do you ever look at one that gets you good?

Not a drawing, but not… not before this.

Then you’re not doing it right.


Give them back.

Oh, I can’t fucking believe you just did that! I’m not even halfway done with payments on this car.

Jesus, you paid for this car?

Oh, shut up. It’s a great car.

Oh, my God, Blaire, there’s a kid in the grill!


I’m just kidding. Look at your face.


Yeah, but see, now real life ain’t so bad, right?

No, no, we gotta get this thing towed before the cops show up.

Oh, because we’ve been drinking.

Yes, Isaac Newton, because we’ve been fucking drinking.

Well, wait a minute, why don’t we just tell the cops that we started drinking after we crashed? Right, we were so pissed about the crash, that we had nine beers.

You know, that’s actually a great idea.


Yeah. I think you just solved drunk driving.

I did, didn’t I?

No, you dipshit. We gotta go find a phone.

Well, what’d they say?

Uh, they said phone is for employees only. Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk.


Yeah. Here, I stole you an apple pie.

Oh, thanks.


Well, you know, I don’t know why I always think you’re not white trash like the rest of the family.

Fuck you.

Because you are.

OK, just eat it.

Careful, McDonald’s apple pies are always a little hot.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Ah, God!

Why the fuck do they do that?

Ah, God! I don’t know.

[both panting]

It’s probably cooled off by now, though. Oh, goddammit! Oh! This fucking goddamn night.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Maybe we can call a cab.

I don’t have any cash, and you don’t have any pockets. We’ve got to find a payphone and call home.

[phone rings]


Will you accept a collect call from this…


Shit. Oh. All right, just let me think for a second. OK, look, we’re not too far from campus. Why don’t we just walk back and use Damon’s phone?

That pervert?


Fuck no.

Why not? I mean… Because he’s probably back there right now boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock.

Well, you want to get home in time or not?

Blaire, I know you don’t see it, OK, but I don’t trust that guy.

Oh, my God.

I don’t trust him. I think he’s got one thing on his mind, filthy doings.

OK, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever, but I’m an adult, OK? I can take care of myself.

Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis? It’s like a melted pint of coffee ice cream. There’s a sadness to it, almost like it remembers how it used to look. I mean, it looks like… like it’s trying to hide, but it’s too tired. No, no. You know what it looks like? It looks like Bert Lahr when he took off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on. It’s… oh, shit. What was the last one you heard?

Let’s put on our costumes that we made last night.



You like movies?


I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch.

Rodeo deaths?

Yeah. You know, there’s something about real death. Just like… it just turns you on, you know? Why is that for all of us?

I… I honestly can’t answer that question.

[laughs] I’m totally fucking with you.


Seriously though, I do have the tape. We could take off our shirts, just watch it together.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time.

[laughs] I’m fucking with you again. Oh, my God. You were about to do it.

No, no, I wasn’t.

You were. Your shirt’s like, halfway off already.

No, it’s fucking not.

Nah, it could be though. We could have it off if we wanted to. You know what’s great?




You know how, like, someone’s like, oh, I like chocolate cake. It’s so good, it’s like crack. This is actually crack. Gets a lot of bad press. Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack.

Yeah, I’ll pass on that. Thanks.

Oh. Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there.

Yeah, it’s crack.

Uh, OK. I bet you have some idiosyncrasies I might find a little odd.

I don’t think crack, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah, yeah, there’s one right over there.

Yeah, so I just want to sleep in tomorrow, so I’m just going to call in a bomb scare to my office.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

Well, look who’s back.

Us again.

Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas?

[chuckles drily]

Come on in.

Thank you.

Phone’s still busy. What the fuck is going on over there? Johnny’s probably freaking out wondering where I am.

Professor Damon, we’re so sorry to inconvenience you like this.

Not at all. I’m happy for the company. Say, as long as I’ve got you here, there’s something I’d like to show you.

Oh, God. Here it comes. Just stare at the balls. It’ll be better that way.

It’s the opening chapter of my next book. Just finished it yesterday. Would you like to read it?

Oh, my God. I’d be honored.

Fabulous. Don’t let the typos throw you. He’s a dyslexic narrator. Ted, why don’t you and I play some billiards while I nervously await Blaire’s verdict?

[mouthing words]

Welcome to my billiard room.

All right, buddy, you and me got to have a little talk.

I’d love to. How about I freshen your drink first?



Hello, Ted.

Uh, what… what’s going on there, buddy?

I want to make love to you.


I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you have feelings for somebody.

[soft music]

I’ve been waiting all my life for someone like you. Your furry curves, your boundless whimsy.

It… it has bounds.

I’ve been going crazy since you walked out my door tonight. I want us to have illicit congress together.

You know, Blaire is really into you.

I don’t care. It’s you I want.

Yeah, I… I don’t date other bears.

I don’t have to be a bear. I could be a pony if you prefer, or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca.

Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn’t work out.

I don’t care what people would think. If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Yeah, that’s not the holdup for me.

I see. So your answer is no.

Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathr…

Blaire. Any thoughts about the pages you read?

Great. Uh, they… they were great.

And the homage to Tennyson? Did that play it all?

Uh, fine.

We’ll let ourselves out.

Hey. You know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet. I have a reputation as a guy who doesn’t do this.

Sure, of course.

On one condition, you make Blaire your research assistant.

That’s OK, Ted.

No, no. No, no, Blaire, no. You’re wicked smart. You work hard. You deserve it.

He’s right, Blaire. You’ve got a great analytical mind.

I’m going to have to sleep on that.

Oh, and one more thing, we’re going to need your bike.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh. Hi, Johnny. You want to feel some spooky eyeballs? I’m just kidding. They’re just peeled grapes. Oh, I’d never really hurt anyone, Johnny.

Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore.

What’s the matter?

Will, OK? He’s… he’s a freak. He’s crazy. Can’t you get him to leave?

Well, he’s your friend, Johnny. If you want him to leave, you’ll have to ask him.

He’s not my friend. You invited him over. Plus, he’s like 40.

Well, I’m 47, and we’re friends.

Yeah, you’re my mom.

Even when you were still in my guts you used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you just saying, “hi, I can’t wait to come out and be friends.”

Yeah, yeah. Fine, I’ll do it.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no. [laughs] All right.

Will? You in there?

Yeah, come on in. Oh, I cannot believe we’re taking a bath at the same time. You know, it’s like we’re taking a bath together. [laughs] All right, I got to go. But I’ll… I’ll talk to you later, Dad. I love you. I love… ah. Didn’t get him.

What the fuck, dude?

What the fuck what? Who just comes over to somebody’s house and gets in their tub?

Uh, I do. It’s called making the most out of life. Some people wait for an invite to the party, I start it. I seize the moment, Johnny. You see, perfect example, you’ve been a drip all night. Guess what? I’ve had a killer evening. You’ve been all sad. Why? Because your teddy bear is gone? That’s not how you do life. You got to grab every chance you can to make your own happiness.

Why is the water black?

Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it! All right. Now, I’m going to take a hike. Hey, you ever need me, you scratch my name into your arm.

And you’ll show up?

I don’t know. Never tried it.

Hi, Matty.

What do you want?

Hey, listen, I felt really bad about Clementine giving you that bite. And I wanted to make it up to you.


Ostrich eggs. Each one is about 24 chicken eggs.

What the hell am I supposed to do with these?

I don’t know 24 people.

Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it. You know what’s great? Crack.

Hey, Dad.

♪ ♪

Hey, nice robot costume. Those the boxes your dad used to move out?

Hey, who are you? The Dork Knight?

I’m Batman! Ow! What the fuck? You asshole!

Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be?

Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton.

Oh, man, you’re going to have enough trouble. Keep moving.

Oh, hey, ET! Take this, you Reese’s piece of shit. [chuckles] … Oh, crap.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God. Is this what we’ve been doing to people? We were wrong, Johnny. We were wrong!

Hey, listen, man, I’m really sorry I didn’t get back in time. But you know what? I think it was for the best.

Me too. I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could actually have fun on my own.

That sounds healthy, like growth.

Yeah, it felt like growth.

You grew. You grew tonight.

I really did. So how was your night?

I was almost raped by a professor. But now I got a moped, so it’s fine.

Well, now that we know for sure that we can exist on our own, let’s never do it again.

Oh, fuck no. I was dying out there.

Do you want to get high?

Absolutely. Wait. No, not yet. There’s one more thing I got to do tonight.

[floor creaks]

Help me.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me.

Got you, motherfucker.

Oh, damn.

[chuckles] You know, Blaire, there actually is something I… I came here to tell you.


You know, me and Johnny always think you’re like, this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun. You’re kind of fucking fun.

Well, I got to admit, I… I kind of had fun too. I mean, the towing cost me $80, and I still don’t have a fucking car, but for what it’s worth, I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, even if you were wrong.

Oh, by the way, I got something for you. This is for you.

A McDonald’s apple pie?

Yeah, yeah. I was saving it, but it’s all yours. I’ve had it in the freezer for two months, so it’s probably cooled off by now.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, oh, shit. Get a towel. Get something to cover it.

Get a wet towel.

I am.

Oh, my God, We’re gonna lose the fucking house!

We’re all going to die!

Can I help you?

Hey, I’m Carol’s son. I just got home from a party. My mom told me to come here and hang out with somebody named John.

Wait, you’re Carol’s son?

♪ ♪

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet alas, that someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

♪ I’m just a clown ♪

♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don’t care ’cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

♪ ♪


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