Ted – S01-E03 – Ejectile Dysfunction | Transcript

Ted - S01-E03 - Ejectile Dysfunction

Season 1 Episode 3
Episode Title: Ejectile Dysfunction
Original release date: January 11, 2024

John wishes to watch his first porno, but is too young to rent one. Ted is also barred from this since he’s only been alive for eight years. Using fake IDs, the two rent several pornos to watch at home while Susan and Matty are out on a date, but one of the VHS tapes gets stuck in the player. John and Ted sneak into the school building to swap out the tech room’s VCR with their own, knowing it’s an identical model, but are too late to stop Susan from discovering the porn tape. She misconstrues this as Matty not finding her exciting anymore and resorting to porn instead, but Blaire reassures her that this is not true and lies about the VHS being hers, much to the relief of John and Ted, who have run away from home in shame.

* * *

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I’m sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire.

Yeah, no problem. What’d you guys end up seeing?

Jurassic Park.

It’s, like, the greatest movie I’ve ever fucking seen, like, ever.

Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs.

Uh, yeah, I don’t think so.

No, he did.

No, he did. He totally did. There’s no other explanation.

I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs.

Well, that’s-that’s a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, when you didn’t see the movie.

Yeah, no, he made ET and he made Jaws and this was his reward. He got real dinosaurs to play with. It all adds up.

My only criticism of the movie… who has open cups of water in the car? Oh yeah, that was weird.

Yeah, it’s like, you want a lid for that water? Nah, that’s OK. I’m just riding in the jungle.

Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store? I want to rent a movie.

You just saw a movie.

Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever. We want to see more movies with dinosaurs.

[groans] Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight.

Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on?

Just stuff.

Like college stuff?


Toga party?


Fucking rush week?


Fucking around with the new pledges, but then Diane goes a little too far and something horrible happens but then you all kind of work together to cover it up and then the next day, you just go to class like nothing happened but now you’re all bonded for life by, like, a horrible secret, and it seems like it’s all going to be OK but then Rachel seems a little shaky and you wonder if she’s going to be a problem?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I’m just making conversation.

♪ ♪

OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something.


♪ ♪

Hey, Teddy.


You ever seen a porno?

Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood.

They as awesome as people say?

They are, Johnny.

What are they like?

Well, you turn it on, you settle in, you get your Kleenex and your lotion, and you… you fucking go to town.

Wow. Sounds amazing.

Yeah, especially afterward when it’s over and you think about what you did.


Yeah, and you clean yourself up but the porn’s still going on in the background, but it seems twice as loud now. And even though you didn’t leave the house, you know you’ve contributed to a woman’s nightmare. Oh, and you can’t shove that sock in the hamper deep enough.

Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors, it’s like it’s so mysterious. The private, exclusive adults-only room.

[classy jazz music]

♪ ♪

[posh English accent] Master John, Master Ted. I’m so delighted that you’ve joined us. Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening?

[posh English accent] Indeed, we are, Lloyd.

Splendid, splendid. We have quite a fine selection for your perusal.

[posh English accent] Mm, well, what would you recommend?

Your preference, sir. Would you like to feel in charge, or like an itty, bitty baby?

I do believe I would like to feel like a baby.

[chuckles softly] No one has ever chosen the other one, sir.

Yes, I would imagine not.

[chortling laughter]

Very good, sir. I’ll be right back with your cream and kerchief.

How’s the wife, Lloyd?

Well, sir, I’m afraid that Clara passed away last month.

Oh, Lloyd, we’re so very sorry.

Thank you, sir. She fought bravely, but there was nothing the doctors could do.

And how is your son taking the loss?

We haven’t spoken since she passed away, sir. I’m afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother’s death.

How terrible.

Thank heaven I have my work. Elsewise, I’m not sure I could go on living myself. Well, enjoy your pornography, sir.

[normally] Jesus. Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family?

[normally] Well I mean, the son didn’t die, they’re just estranged.

I just feel like by putting all that on him, it distracts from our story.

Teddy, you want to go in there?

In the back room?

Yeah. Yeah, don’t you think it’s about time I rented my first porno?

Well, I hope you’ve gotten everything done that you need to get done ever.


Oh, you’ll see. Come on, let’s do it.

Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section!

Ah, shit.

It’s all right, Johnny. I’ll go and get it.

You hear me? I said no one under 18!

It’s all right, buddy. It’s just me.

You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight?

Dude, it’s a little different.

No. Rules are rules!

Ah, shit.

Wow, what an amazing selection! These are all so erotic!

All right, if you guys are done humiliating yourselves in public, can we get out of here?

Uh, Blaire.

I’m not renting you porn.

Oh, come on, you gotta.

No, I don’t.

Blaire, I’m already 16. OK, if I was Mormon, I’d be a grandfather by now.

Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.

I’m basically an adult already, OK? I just want to watch an adult movie.

All right, fine.



I don’t have time to stand here all day and argue. OK, just go wait in the car.

Holy shit. Fucking awesome!

Oh, my God, Blaire!

You’re fucking amazing, Blaire!

Wow, Thank you so much!

Blaire, this is fucking awesome!

Thank you so much!

Oh, you’re the fucking best!

Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, that’s probably what we’re going to like.

I’m going to count to three.


All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie.

Oh, we will.

Oh, and don’t be thrown when you turn it on.

It’s black and white.

Even better.

Yeah, finally. We’re telling their stories.

Yeah, love that.

Representation matters.

Glad to hear it.


Here we go.

We got at least an hour before Mom gets back.

[dramatic orchestral music on TV]

All right, porno time!

♪ ♪

Whoa. “The 400 Blows.” Whoever this guy is, he’s going to be a nub by the end of it.

Ah, French fucking. All right. Little hairy, but I’m on board.

[nasal French laugh]

[both laughing nasally]

That’s what the fucking’s going to sound like.

♪ ♪

[speaking French]

[speaking French]

Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on?

You guys enjoying the movie?

No! It sucks! How the fuck is this a porno?

Well, I rented you guys an adult movie, as in a movie for adults.

Oh, you suck.

No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks.


Yeah, exactly. So where were they?

Are saying you don’t like the film?

No! No, there’s no sex at all in this movie. Just ennui.

I did you a favor.

No, we want to look at genitals.

Trust me, it’s overrated.

Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn?

Uh, no. But a guy from my school did mail me a photo of his dick last semester.


He even shot it in sepia tone.

Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey?


Like, “This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan”?

You want the kicker? It was flaccid.

Wait, so he didn’t even do the work?

Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter.

Well, I guess even a great director can’t save a bad script.

[sighs] Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys. It’s a classic.

Fuck this.

[actors speaking French on TV]

[switch clicks, VCR whirring]

[repetitive clicking]

[switch clicks]

[insects chirping]

Everyone, Matty and I have some news.

Oh, man. It finally happened. Look, I’m sure this was a tough decision to make, but there’s no sense in postponing the inevitable. You know what? Not every marriage is meant to last forever. And at a certain point, you’re just throwing good years out the bag.

We’re going out to dinner.

Hey! That’s… one of my favorite meals.

We’re going to go out, we’re going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow. Just the two of us just because. And we’re going to have a lovely time.

That’s right. My wife deserves a night out just for being her. We’re going to have a… we’re going to have a great meal, and it’s going to be terrific!

[hand slams on table loudly]

Jesus. Take it easy.

What? I’m fucking happy. It’s going to be a great night.

You know, I wonder if years from now, we’ll find out this was all just one big, long heart attack.

Teddy, can I speak to you in private? OK, this is perfect. Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house and Blaire’s got school. There will never be a better time.

For what?

To rent a real porno.

Well, how are we supposed to do it? That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18.

There’s a different guy that comes in at 6:00 for the night shift, all right? We get fake IDs, we go in after 6:00, we can rent that porno.

I don’t know, Johnny. It’s a risk. I mean, if we get caught…

Teddy. Watching other people have sex on a TV screen, that’s just about the coolest thing a person can do. It’s worth the risk. By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours.

All right. Let’s get some sleep. We jerk at first light.


[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

[blows air]

OK. Two fake IDs. That’ll be 50 bucks.

We got that same VCR at home.

I don’t give a shit.

Right there. My whole allowance for eight weeks.

All right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults.

Jesus Christ, how old is this guy? Looks like he’s 40.

Hey, you’ll be fine, all right? [chuckles] Although Ted’s took a little bit of work.

I-I can’t use this.

Why not?

It looks like Bob Ross. It is. It is Bob… this is Bob Ross.

Well, you’re a tough fit, pal. It was either him or a pair of UGG boots.

Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon, I’ll be having an orgasm next to my friend.


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet! That other bastard’s still there. Act like we’re just here to rent a movie.

Ah, yes. This looks like a good, non-sexual film.

Oh, yes, I have heard many great, non-sexual things about this movie.

Peter Travers calls it “a sex-free laugh riot.”

“Time” magazine says, “about as erotic as mom’s diarrhea.”

The fuck?


The fuck was that?

What do you mean? I’m just expanding on your thing.

That’s not what I was doing.

Improv’s all about “Yes, and…” OK? You can’t just shut me down like that in the middle of a scene.

Don’t do “mom’s diarrhea” and then tell me how I’m fucking supposed to do improv. Jesus Christ. [door opens]



All right. I’m out of here.


Have a good one.

All right, let’s move.

[door opens]

Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only.

Ah, yes. Of course. [Johnny chuckles]

How forgetful of us.

Oh, don’t worry. This, uh, this happens all the time. I understand your mistake.

Oh, my God.


You’re Bob Ross!

Uh, yes. Yes, I am.

Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours.

Oh, uh, well, thanks.

I love your whole artistic philosophy. The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud.

Yeah, well, great. Um, listen, we’re going to head to the adult section and find ourselves a happy, little bush.

See you in a bit.


Wow. Looks like you’re having quite a marathon.

Uh, yes. It’s for a fundraiser.

Oh, for what?

Jerking… for Muscular Dystrophy.

Oh, yeah. JMD, of course.

Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent?

Not for you, Mr. Ross. All right, these tapes are due back Thursday. There’s an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes.

That’s a lot of money.

That’s a lot of porn.

You know, other people want to masturbate, too!

Not tonight, pal.

[hand slams on table loudly]


[soft classy piano music]

Look at this place. [chuckles] Isn’t this a magical night?

My sock’s got a big hole in it. If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse?

Oh, look, Matty! They have a whole man just for the pepper! Oh, let’s get something that needs pepper.

When I was his age, I was liberating Nha Trang hut-by-hut. But yeah, sure. Pepper boy’s good, too.

Gosh, everything’s just so fancy-schmancy. I feel like Academy Awards.

Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks?

My sock’s bugging me.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Can I take your order?

Matty, he’s so sweet. What’s your name?

Kevin, ma’am.

Kevin, you go home, you call your mother, and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham said you did an excellent job.

My mother has advanced Alzheimer’s. She has no idea who I am.

I’ll have the crab.

[snaps fingers] Let me ask you a question there, Kev-o. Why is the New York strip 24 bucks but at Rico’s Market, it’s like 8?

Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices are different…

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat. That seem fair to you, Kev-o?

You could order the junior steak off the kids menu for $9.

Now we’re getting somewhere. [chuckling] OK. See that, Susan? He blinked first.

Comes with your choice of an activity booklet or a silly straw.

Both, Kev-o. Pile it high and good!

Yes, sir.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Hang on. Do me a favor.

[fabric ripping]

Throw this out for me, would you?

[indistinct chatter]

Wouldn’t it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship? Because when you’re done, you’re already home. I’m going to tell him that.

All right, here we go.

♪ Porno time, porno time ♪

♪ Porno, porno, porno time! ♪

Porno time!

All right, let’s put one in.

All right. Wait, wait. Hang on a second. Before we start, we got to have some ground rules.

What do you mean?

Well, like, where are you sitting?

On the couch.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don’t want you in my eyeline.

OK, we could, like, build a divider or something, like a pillow fort.

Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe we should watch alone. Like in shifts.

Yeah, I don’t want to watch porn alone. That feels tragic.

All right, then we’ll watch it together.

Yeah, well that feels creepy.

John, we’re watching porn. It’s either going to be creepy or tragic. Those are the choices.

All right, let’s go with creepy. Which one are we starting with?

How is everything?

Oh, it’s just wonderful.

Not good, Kev-o. The word “apple” ain’t in here anywhere.

They allow diagonal, sir.

Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions!

I’ll tell the chef.


Matty, you have to try this crab.

No, I’m fine.

Oh, just one bite. It’s so delicious.

I’m fine. I got my own food.

Just a baby bite.

I don’t want any.

Just try. Just one bite.

Jesus Christ, Susan. Why is it always so important that I have some of what you ordered?

I want you to have some of this because I think you’ll like it.

Well if I wanted the goddamn crab, I would have ordered the goddamn crab!

But in the car on the way home, I can say, wasn’t it good? And you’ll know.

For fuck’s sake! All right!

You’ll know.

All right!

Oh, goddamn it. Goddamn it! That’s better than what I ordered!

You see? I knew you’d like it.

[mouth full] Shit!

I can’t wait to talk about it later. I wish we were in the car right now.

Here. I got something for you.

Oh, Matty, what is it?

Just open it. Be careful.

A nail?

Yeah. Just before you’re finished, put that in what’s left of your food and then “find” it.

Whole night will be comped. Hey, Kev-o!

Hi, I’m Brad. Kevin quit.

Oh, how about this one?

“Interracial Butt Fest.” Oh, thank you, Dr. King.

“Anal Screwlympics VIII.”

I didn’t see the first seven. I’m not going to understand it.

Man, this guy’s running his own three-legged race. [laughing] Oh, let’s start with this one.

You sure that’s going to work?

Yeah, I don’t know. But all I’m thinking about right now is my dead relatives.


Well, Father White once said that if you ever masturbate, then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you.

How is that heaven?

Boy, you know, that is a great point.

I mean, are they up there like, “Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln’s house?” “Yeah, I’d like to, but my nephew is gonna jerk off, so I got to go watch that.”

OK, so we’re fine.

[sultry music on TV]

[chuckling] All right.

♪ ♪

Oh, he’s a doctor. Looks like it’s his first day at a new hospital.

And that’s usually the day you have sex with everyone, right?

Oh, it sure is, Johnny.

Whoops. Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off.

Oh, here we go.

[moaning on TV]

That’s a weird thermometer. Hey, that’s funny. I thought they only took your temperature like that when you were a baby.

Yeah, that’s-that’s not a…

He’s, like, pulling it in and out. It’s never going to get an accurate reading like that.

[moaning on TV intensifying]

Oh. Well, I guess her prostate’s fine.

[moaning on TV]

[VCR clicks]

[electrical buzzing]

What happened?

I don’t know. Tape froze.

[electrical buzzing]

[VCR clicking]

It’s stuck. The tape’s stuck!

Oh, shit!

It’s not coming out. What are we going to do?

All right. Don’t panic, don’t panic.

Don’t panic? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I just need a second to think.

No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR!

Just let me fucking think!

What am I supposed to do?

Just let me fucking think! Let me fucking think! OK, we’re going to have to take the machine apart.

All right. I can’t even open it. There’s no screws. It’s just rivets.

OK, I got it, I got it. We got to swap out VCRs. Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one.

How are we going to find a new VCR tonight? Even if shit was still open, we got no money. And anyways, this is an older model. You probably can’t even fucking find it anymore.

Yes, you can. The AV room at school! They got one there. We can go get it tonight.

Going into school after hours? Won’t that look suspicious?

There’s a game tonight. The school’s open. We dress like basketball players and if anyone sees us, they’ll think we’re there for the game.

If we blow this, everybody’s going to know we’re perverts.

Jesus. All this work, and we didn’t even get to have an orgasm.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us… didn’t.

I just don’t understand it. I mean, we’re not under construction.

Well, you know, the good news is she saw it. Otherwise… [chuckles] She could have died.

Right, Susan? You could have died if you ate a nail.

I guess I could have died if I ate a nail.

I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett. Of course, your entire evening is comped. And if there’s anything else we can do for you, please tell us.

Yeah, you see that old-timey diver’s helmet you got there in the window?

I want you to fill it with shrimp.

Wasn’t the crab good?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

OK, almost got it. Ah. There we go. OK, you stay here, I’m going to make sure the coast is clear.


[sports organ playing]

[door clangs loudly]

Ice it up, Hampton.

You’ll be fine.

I don’t know, Coach. I think I heard it break.

A little ice. Best thing for it. Hey, Bennett!

Uh, yeah?

We’re a man down. Get in there! No forfeit! We got a player!

[whistle blows]

Actually, Coach, you know I’m not…

Now, Bennett! We got a game to win!

[crowd cheering]

[buzzer blares, crowd roaring]

Ain’t so fucking hard. Let’s get the hell out of here.

Jesus. What a night, huh?


What you did there was a sin. You lied to them.

Ah, they lied to us first. Goddamn steak doesn’t cost 24 bucks. We’re even. And the best part is I didn’t even have to use this.

What is that?

A coupon for one free meal at Chuck’s Steak House. So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one.

Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner? Because you had a coupon?

I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money. A perfect evening.

And the activity book! Hey, Johnny! Your old man solved a maze tonight! It’s Friday night. He’s probably at the basketball game. You’re going up?

Uh, no. I think I’ll stay up for a while and watch TV.

Suit yourself. Mwah! I’m going to roll around in bed and try to burp.

[Susan sighs]

[Susan sighs]

[VCR whirring]

[sultry music on TV]

[intense moaning on TV]

♪ ♪


[moaning on TV]

♪ ♪

[moaning on TV intensifying]

Oh, yeah!


[inhales sharply]

Oh, my God! [both moaning]


[Matty farts]

Hey. Knock it off.


[Susan sighs]

[suspenseful music]

You know, I just realized we probably could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game.

Hey, shh! The lights are out. Mom and Dad must be asleep. All right, I’ll swap it out. You make sure no one’s coming.


♪ ♪

All right, it’s done.

Not quite. We still got to get that tape out.

[suspenseful musical crescendo]

The fuck?

Oh, shit.

It’s gone!

OK, let’s just calm down here.

What do you mean calm down? The tape’s gone!

It can’t just be gone. It’s got to be somewhere.

Oh, shit. Ah shit.

What, what, what?

Somebody found it. Somebody found it and they took it.

Oh, shit.

OK, tomorrow, when everyone’s out, we search the house.

What if we don’t find it?

Then we’ll have to rent the same movie from another store and return it to the first store and we’ll have to do that every three days until the end of time.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme.


Yeah, we’re in trouble, but we can still have fun with words.

[bell tolling]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Hello, Susan.

Oh, dear. I wish you’d close it this time.

We’re all sinners in God’s eyes.

Well… I saw a porno, Father.

Oh. And how did you come to see this, Susan?

Matty left it in the VCR. Earlier that night, we went out to dinner. And I thought he was taking me out for a romantic evening just the two of us, so I got all dressed up. And he didn’t even notice. And then I found out that he had a coupon. And that’s why he wanted to go out. And Father, maybe… I’m not what he wants anymore.

Susan, I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that. Husbands and wives have different sensibilities. There’s a reason the Lord made it so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot.

W-well, that’s true.

And as for what you saw, God understands that you didn’t seek it out. And as long as the man and the woman in the film are married and not using birth control, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

It wasn’t just a man and a woman. There-there was another woman, too.

I see.

Although she wasn’t really participating. She was just sort of choking the other girl.

Well, Matty is your husband. And if one of you is bored in the marriage, then the other may wish to consider how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. Remember, nothing is wrong if you don’t enjoy it too much.

Well, I could certainly try.

Good, good. So the choking, was she upset by it? Or…

I should probably get home.

All right. To be continued.

[quirky suspenseful music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Johnny! Johnny, I found it.

Oh, fuck. Thank God.

I know. I just saved us bucks.

Wait, where was it?

Well, it was, uh… it was in Susan’s underwear drawer.


Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it.

No, no, no! I don’t want to hear about my mom’s underpants.

Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat.

Teddy, do you know what this means? Mom found “Genital Hospital.” She knows I watch porn!

Oh, boy. It looks that way.

I can never face her again. We have to run away, never to return.

I see no other option.

I’m going to miss this house. Goodbye, water-stained ceilings.

Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn’t close all the way.

Goodbye, windows painted shut.

Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.

Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.

Goodbye, carpet that’s never been dry.

Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.

Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.

Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.

Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.

Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner.

Jesus, let’s get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, no shit.

We sure would like it if you’d help us with our problem.

Only problem you’ve got, Sheriff, is a short supply of guts. You people don’t need me. Look, place at least a couple good riflemen on top of that building up there. Maybe a couple more with shotguns down behind green bags over there.

What you watching?

High Plains Drifter.

It’s Clint Eastwood week.

Oh. What’s it about?

Oh, he’s a cowboy. But at the end, you realize he’s a ghost. But he can still shoot a gun, so, you know, not like… he’s not like a real ghost.

Matty, honey, can we talk about that movie that you were watching yesterday?

I can’t remember what it was. They’re all kind of the same movie.

Are you entertained by them?

I’m a guy. I mean, all guys like ’em.

Is that what you want? What you see in those movies?

God no. I just… I just watch ’em.

Well is there one you like best?

I like Every Which Way But Loose.


Yeah, that one’s crazy. There’s a monkey that gives everybody the finger.

[Matty chuckles]


Yeah, I’d love to see that.

Wow. It is getting hot in here. Powerful hot.

We can’t run the air conditioner. Found a dead bird in it. Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out before we run the unit again.

Well I wouldn’t know about that. I’m just a girl.

What are you doing?

I wanted a banana.

Well, then eat it. Why the hell are you staring at me?

Because… I’ve been bad.

What do you mean you’ve been bad? You… oh, Jesus Christ, Susan. Is that the last one? God damn it! Now what am I supposed to have for my snack? [Matty groans] Oh! Oh great, Susan! A Pringles can with one left! That’ll be satisfying! Ow! Fucking lamp shocked me again!

[knock at door]


Aunt Suze, what’s up?

Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. Yeah, come on in. What, uh, what’s the matter?

Well… last night, Matty and I went out to dinner. I got all dressed up. I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook. I don’t even think he noticed. And then when we got home, I turned on the TV. And I found…


A porn.


I think Matty’s been watching porns.


Do you think maybe he… doesn’t think I’m exciting anymore? Am I a disappointment?

No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze. Listen to me.

You are probably the most wonderful person that I know.

But if that’s what he wants, what can I do? I don’t want to have to choke other women.

Yeah, I don’t think you need to.

But I’ll do it if that’s what Matty wants.

No, let’s not go down that route.

I’ll do what those women did.

I really don’t think that’s necessary.

I-I-I’ll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie. I’ll do it.


I’ll do it.

Stop. Look. This is difficult for me to say, but, um, the tape you found… it’s mine.


I’m sorry. I apologize for being so careless. I never should have left it in the VCR. It was stupid.

So it’s not Matty’s?

No, it’s not.

[Susan gasps]

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I’m so relieved!


I thought Matty was bored with me. Oh, Blaire. I… ew. Why did you have a porn?

I would say a porn-o. Just hits the ear better.

Why were you watching porn-o?

Well, OK, in that context, you’d say porn. See, if there’s an article in front of it like an “a” or a “the,” it’s aporno. But if not, it’s just porn.

I’m just not going to say it anymore.

OK. Look, to answer your question, it… it was a sorority thing. We rented a dirty movie. It was… you know how sororities are. It’s like a prank.

Oh! Oh, it was a prank.


Oh! So Matty and I are just fine!

I would say this one thing isn’t a problem.

But it’s… well, I’d call it a work in progress. And for the record, Aunt Suze, I don’t think anybody ever could be bored with you. Matty is not great at communication. But unless he’s completely blind or insane, I bet he still loves you a whole lot.

Come here.



I hope one day, you’ll find your Matty.

Oh, that’s… I’m going to be just fine.

Let’s pray.

[“Amazing Grace” on harmonica]

♪ ♪

Where are we going to go, Teddy?

I was thinking Saudi Arabia. I hear nobody’s ashamed to masturbate there.

What do you think they’re doing back at the house?

Probably the same thing we’re doing but with a table.

God. We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives.

Relax, losers. Your lives aren’t ruined. Yet.


Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, you are. Good Lord, look how you’ve grown.

How’d you find us?

Uh, harmonica music really carries. Listen, uh, you don’t have to worry about the porno, all right? I took the heat for you.


I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine. You can come home now.

Blaire, you… you did that for us?

Uh, no. I really did it for Susan. She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty’s. If she found out it was yours, she’d probably cry for a year.

Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much.


We really owe you big time.

Oh, yeah, you do. Now, put out your dumb fire and let’s get out of here.

I love that plan. Because you know what? We got a porno to return.

And I’ll tell you one thing. I would never watch porn again. Even if it was everywhere, all the time. Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket that would give it to me whenever I wanted so I could jerk off at a moment’s notice. No. Never again.

[swelling orchestral music]

Narrator: John kept his promise. For the next two years. Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, he pulled on his penis so hard, it damn near came off. That didn’t deter him from masturbating four more times before going to a local urgent care, where he waited eight hours in line behind dozens of other men who had also nearly pulled their penises off after discovering the internet. And now, today, anyone you talk to has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. This is Ian McKellen, reminding you: don’t shake anyone’s hand. Good night.

♪ ♪

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

♪ I’m just a clown ♪

♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don’t care ’cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

♪ ♪


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