Shameless US – S01E02 – Frank the Plank – Transcript

A manhunt ensues after Frank goes on a bender and turns up missing on Friday, the day he never fails to cash his disability check, and turns up in Toronto with no idea how he got there.

Original air date: January 16, 2011


♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that it’s not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it’s not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this down side ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You’re so sure of? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they’re not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it’s not like that ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You’re so… ♪

♪ Sure of? ♪


(passing car honks horn)

Fuckin’… fuck!

(train whistle blows)

That’s good.

Yeah, I got it. Here you go.

All right, all right, listen up, everybody.

Tommy from upstairs shelled out for the pay-per-view here.

(whooping, shouting, whistling)

Hey, $149.50 on my goddamn Visa, so pay up, you cheap bastards.

Right in here, guys, right in here.

♪ ♪



Have one.

Come on! Mm-hmm.

Burgers comin’ through!

Uh, Lip, napkins.

I can get it. Oh, no, no, no, you sit.

Only ketchup? Me!

Thank you.

Extra onions, jalapenos.


Make room.


After you finish your shake and fries.

Who’s this?

LIP: It’s Karen. Hey, Karen, Nice top.

What size are you? Shh! Shut up!

TV NARRATOR: …on a spot called Mr. Magoo, the sacred family fishing grounds that paid off last season.

But now…

…it’s a bust.

MAN: We have no crab onboard.

I heard, “Don’t go to Magoo, ’cause there’s hundreds…”

(crowd shouting)

MAN: Come on!

(shouting continues) What is this?

Hey, bub?



Better door than window.



Tell your boy Ian to keep his dirty adolescent prick out of my Karen!

(crowd continues shouting)


(crowd continues shouting)

MAN: Finish him!

…been fishing for 36 hours and haven’t made a frickin’ dime yet.

We’re getting, like, 150 crab…

(door slams)


You okay, Frank?

IAN: Hey.

Is that my shirt?

(TV show continues) Yeah.

I-I’m just asking.

STEVE: Whoa!

FRANK: Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank!

FIONA: Jesus Christ, Dad!

STEVE: You’re drunk, Frank, you’re drunk! This-this is drunk?

FIONA: Stop it, okay, Steve?

FRANK: You want to see drunk?

STEVE: Don’t do this to your kids, Frank.

Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve?

You think you’re a fuckin’ tough guy?

Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Steve, go! Get out!

Hey, just go.

He’s shitting his pants.

Pussy. You’re pathetic, Frank.

Get out now! I mean it! Come on.

Don’t go. Come on.

Puss, puss, puss, puss.

What? You want to say something, pussy?

Mr. Joe fucking… Ah, get the… Pussy.

(TV continues playing) Ice.

It’s a bloody nose.

He’s not dying. Really, Frank?

Anybody notice that I’m bleeding?

(over TV): …over the Bering Sea, a 200-square-mile arctic squall collides with the grounds, and fishing…


It got it.


Okay, okay, okay.

You should have hit him back.

If I ever do, I’ll fuckin’ kill him.

So? Eight to ten for manslaughter.

Get laid as often as you want.

Tattoos and everything.

It’s gay heaven, man.


(mutters angrily)

♪ ♪

Good night, Billy.

♪ I might be wrong, but I might be right ♪

♪ Anyhow I know I tried ♪

♪ I better leave, I better leave, I better stop… ♪

Morning, Billy.

♪ I like her taste when it fills my soul ♪

♪ I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone ♪

♪ Not anyone, not anyone ♪

♪ I might be wrong but I might be right ♪

♪ Anyhow I know I tried ♪

♪ I better leave, I better leave, I better stop ♪

♪ I like her taste when it fills my soul ♪

♪ I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone ♪

♪ Not anyone, not anyone… ♪ Hey, Conrad, how’s it going?

Not so bad, you know.

Shirley any better? Still pissed off about me calling the cops,

but what could I do? They got her over at County?

♪ I better leave, I better leave… ♪

VERONICA: Once we got my mom in there, she came around quick.

What ward’s she on?


VERONICA: Oh, yeah, they’re good people.

They’ll get her meds straight, a couple shots of Thorazine, Librium, a fist-full of Prozac, and she’ll be right as rain.

Oh, looks sore.

How many stitches?

Uh, seven.

Cheese knife.

Oh, poor Conrad.

I’ll live.

Not if they let Shirley out.


♪ Silly boys you run away too far ♪

♪ Remember this, remember where you are ♪

Hey, special delivery.

Thank you.

Don’t forget Veronica’s coupons. Yeah, got it.

♪ Life is good, it’s what I see ♪

♪ That makes me want to disagree ♪

♪ I better leave, I better leave, I better not ♪

Thanks, handsome.

♪ You might be wrong ’cause you know I’m right ♪

♪ If you lose your way you just follow mine ♪

♪ I better leave, I better leave, I better stop ♪

♪ Waste away. ♪

(Liam jabbers)

Hey, buddy.

Come here.

Hey, Liam.

Any pizza left from last night?

No pizza. Fruit or juice.

And we’ve got eggs.

OJ’s in the top, grapes in bottom drawer.

Pop-Tarts, Frosted Flakes, Bisquick, Heinz Ketchup, and ooh, ooh– even got a couple two-for-ones for Tide.

Any coupons for meat?

Yeah, they’ve got a special on ground chuck at Costco, and Hot Pockets.

That’s great. We’ll go tomorrow.

Lip, you seen Frank?

Uh, no.

What day is it? Friday.



(knocking on door)

Hey. Morning, campers.

Oh, what you got? Jelly, plain and glazed.

Save me an apple fritter. All right.


Bet you hate it when that happens?

They’re his tits.

It’s the only reason he eats eggs.

And he just licked that one.

Oh, great.

I’m trying to get them to eat a healthy breakfast.

STEVE: I brought all the essential morning food groups: caffeine, sugar, lard.

I’m sorry about last night.

Never apologize for your parents.

Believe me, I don’t.

So you can let go of that.

Has anybody seen Dad?

He was asleep behind the armchair.



It’s a tent.

Why is there a tent in the living room?

Oh, uh, drying it out.

ROTC training in Wisconsin next week.

I thought it was Dad.

I left him a cup of coffee this morning.

I thought I heard him say “Thanks.”

VERONICA: Yes! Yes! Oh, sorry.

I came in the back way.

VERONICA: Oh, you’re not the only one!

Uh, Kev, was Dad at the Alibi last night?

Uh, yeah.

But he was hammered.

I’m talking hold-on-to-the-grass-so-you-don’t-fall-off-the-Earth hammered.

You see him at last call?


Which is pretty weird, ’cause he usually hangs out to sink the other drinkers’ dregs.




You okay?

I think Dad’s missing.

LIP: Hey, Ted. Yeah, yeah.

DEBBIE: Hey, Jonna. It’s Debbie.

Have you seen Frank since last night?

No? Since Michael Jackson died?

FIONA: I was wondering if you had seen him since… All right.

…since last night at the Alibi.

Sorry about the door, and the window.

Yeah, yeah, anyways, I was wondering, have you seen Frank…

Hey, did you get an admission into the E.R. last night or this morning?

Last night? No? Keep and eye out…

Hey, can you just…? I will look it up.


What the fuck?!


Stop… Wendy-Wendy!

(over phone): Hello? Hello? Wendy.

VERONICA: Stop! Stop!

Hey. Are you still there?

Wendy, Wendy.

Oh, you didn’t?

Okay, thanks anyway.

No. Know if it’s a boy or girl yet?

(dial tone)

What is your problem?

I’m supposed to call Ahmed before work and I can’t find my cell. My cell’s gone.

Help me look for my cell. It’s gone. I lent Lip your cell so he could call around, see anybody knew where Frank went.

Great. So now both my bills are being run up over there.

Your bills? Hello?

I work my ass off around here, not just you.

Oh, there’s the computer. Don’t let me stop you.

It’s after 10:00, get to work.

Frank is missing, you cheap prick.

And you need to see somebody.

Normal guys fall asleep after sex. Not Kev, oh, no.

Why can’t they get their own fucking phone? No fucking money!

Yeah, well, me neither at this rate.

I love you.

Fucking freak.

(door opening)

(door closing)


Nobody’s seen him since last night.


Hey, hey, don’t worry, Debs.

We’re gonna find him, okay?

We split up. All the regular spots, okay?

Let’s go.

♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ Frank?

♪ Ba-ba-ba ♪ Frank?

♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪


♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

Frank, you here?

♪ Ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪


♪ We’re going down to the job center and soon ♪

♪ We’ll come out with a job ♪

♪ We got ourselves nice and clean ♪

♪ We feel so peaceful and serene ♪



♪ And we ♪


♪ Are the men you’ll grow to love soon ♪

♪ Yes, we are the men you’ll grow to love soon ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba. ♪


You can’t file a missing persons report on Frank. Why not?

Frank’s always missing. That’s what I said.

I mean, he’s probably just sleeping it off at a friend’s place.

He hasn’t got any friends. Who’d give him a bed?

Come on, we’ve found him in Dumpsters, garbage trucks, Mrs. Lutski’s bathtub.

Never on the last Friday of the month.

What’s Friday have to do with anything?

It’s the last Friday?

I’ll call my watch commander.

LIP: You can shove your phone up your ass, Kev.

No more freebies from me, like doing your taxes every April ’cause you can’t understand the instructions.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, take it easy.

Take it easy, all right?

Look, Frank isn’t far, okay?

He never goes far.

I know, but it’s the last Friday.

Last Friday? So what?

Disability check day.

Oh, Jesus.

Fuck me.

Hey, Jess.

Uh, Frank Gallagher– did he leave with anybody when we kicked him out last night?

Name me one person who would be caught dead with him in that condition.

And Steve was definitely gone by then, so Frank wasn’t with him.

Anybody seen Frank the Plank?

Which Steve?

You know, Steve-Steve. Fiona’s new Steve.

In here?

Yeah, talking to your dad. Friendly enough.

It was hours before closing.


Thanks, Kev.


MAN (on TV): Breaking news now about a body that was found on the Southside of the city.

KEVIN: Is that over by Halsted station?

I broke my collarbone falling down those station steps.

After my very first taste of another woman’s tongue.

FIONA: Tony said he’d put out a bulletin.

He never misses that check.

We waits on the corner. Practically tackles the mailman before he can get out of his little jeep.

We’ve all known for years it could end this way.

We don’t know anything’s happened.

All the O.D.’s and pumped stomachs.

The time he passed out on the tracks.

The El tracks? Almost lost a hand.

Hey, V.

Hey, Ian.

Um, sorry, Fiona.

Debbie needs you.

It’s bad.

(monkey squealing)


No… No! No!

Again, Debbie.



saw sumdybeen…

Uh, Holly thought she saw a body under the tracks on Halsted. What?

It’s not him, Debs, or the police would have contacted us by now.

It’s Holly, sweetheart, okay?

She’s been in third grade for four years.

I’m gonna deck that little bitch.

Listen, does that even make sense, Debbie?

Why would your dad be over on Halsted when he lives in the opposite direction?

Depends. How was he looking when you left him at the Alibi Room last night, Steve?


Uh, 10:00, 10:30.

I went to apologize, bought him a drink, then I went home.

Why didn’t you say?

Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

They found a body under the El.

Do you know who that is?!

Stay back, okay? Stay back.

(cheering and laughing)

See, I told you.

Where the hell is he?

♪ ♪

You got the time?

Time? Watch…

Do you have the…?

Fuck you!

♪ ♪

How the hell did I end up in Canada?!

OFFICER: Hey! I hate fucking Canada.

Keep it down in there. I’m an American.

Apple pie, lower 48, Air Supply.

If you’re an American, where’s your passport?

I don’t have one!

I told you, I never had a passport.

I don’t want a passport.

Shut up and sleep it off, okay?

Why would I want to come to Canada?

So your national health care can make me wait 60 years for a new kidney?

The whole country’s a bunch of parka-wearing, draft-dodging, chickenshit cowards who didn’t have the balls to stay home and fight the Vietcong to preserve our American way of life.

No snow at the Winter Olympics?

What the hell was that?!

♪ O Canada ♪

It’s the Winter Olympics!

♪ Our home and native land ♪ What are you doing?

Holding your cocks, handing out maple leaf sugarloafs?

♪ True patriot love… ♪

You couldn’t even get the Olympic torch to fucking light!

♪ In all thy sons command. ♪

MAN: That a Chicago accent?

Who said that?


University of Chicago, school of economics.

Oh, man, thank you.

Tell him, will ya…?

Just tell him I’m an American.

Hey, there’s a guy back here knows I’m an American.

I can help. Got any money?

What? Cigarettes?

No. I don’t have anything.

Think you can get close enough to those bars for a reach around hand job?

♪ By the dawn’s early light ♪

♪ Was so gallantly… ♪

In Canada?

LIP: Wait, how?

E-mail from the embassy says he admitted to drug charges, but that’s before they accused him, so they’re thinking he’s a juicer head case…

STEVE: They charge him?

They just want him off Canadian soil, as soon as possible, but the U.S. won’t let him back in without his passport.

Frank doesn’t have a passport.

Then he’ll have to apply for one.

Well, how long does that take?

A couple months, I think.

Months? He can apply for an emergency one at the embassy in Toronto.

How long does the emergency one take?

I don’t know. A week maybe?

Kev has a passport.

What good does that do?

You could drive up there, help him with the paperwork at the embassy.

Pick up a pile of cheap pharmaceuticals, sell ’em to the local geezers and the old folks at my nursing home.

Could I…?

Fuck, V…

No offense, Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The car’s not insured.

Border patrol asks for proof of insurance to get back in.

I wind up in the loony bin next to Frank.


You’re good.

You okay?

How’d you get my dad to Toronto?

Me? Are you kidding?

Canadian health warnings.

I, uh, smuggled him over the border

in the trunk of my car.

Uh, they didn’t check going in.

How’d you get him in the trunk?

He was so plastered, he would have jumped into a coffin.

And why Canada?

Uh, I had to run a car to Detroit.

Plan was dump him someplace weird in Michigan, Flint maybe.

When I saw the signs for Toronto, the idea kind of just… snowballed.

And you think it-it’s funny?

No. Funny would have been Newfoundland.

Because he took a swing at you?

No, because he’s got a family that he doesn’t give a shit about.

Smashing Ian in the face.


What my dad is, what my family is, has fuck all to do with you!

You left him there– you get him back.

What the hell is that?

Our ride.

There’s no fucking way I’m driving all the way to Toronto in this piece of shit.

We’ll take turns driving, watch some movies on the flat screen, make some mojitos, sleep.

We’ll have Frank back by morning.

Yeah, and how are we supposed to get him across the border without a passport? Kyle.

KEVIN: You get through customs in this before?

A couple hundred times. Oh, yeah, with what?

Grass mostly.

Sometimes OxyContin, sometimes illegal aliens.

♪ ♪

Illegal aliens as in plural?

♪ ♪


Hey, Fiona.

Hey, Tony.



Yeah, um, I think I’m going to finish my calculus homework upstairs.

Thanks for all your help with Frank.

Sure. Happy to.

Family, you know.

There’s coffee in the pot.

Probably a couple decades old, but…


So is this Steve guy a fixture now?

Just somebody I met.

CYO Basketball League Awards Banquet is next week at St. Stephens.

There’s a chance I might get Coach of the Year.

That’s terrific, Tony.

I bet you’re a great coach.

Well, they’re eight, so mostly it’s just helping them get the ball anywhere near the basket.

No, they’re lucky to have you.

One of the kids always licks the ball before he takes a shot. I have no idea why.

I was hoping you’d come.

To the banquet?

Mrs. Rudolian and Mrs. Ignacio are doing the food, so there’ll be all the kielbasa and Bolognese ragu you can eat.

I know–

hard to turn down an invitation like that, right?

Catholic League ladies might talk.

Screw the Catholic ladies.

I haven’t set foot in there since they tossed me out of the choir.

(over radio): Tony, we have a call. Work.

So Thursday?

Can I think about it?



(door opening and closing)

(rock intro plays)

(people screaming on TV)

♪ Turn the wrong way, our socks don’t change ♪

♪ Your shirt could, too, but the shoes are strange ♪

♪ Eyes are facing the other way ♪

♪ In backward talk you try to say ♪

♪ You’re so ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Out, inside out ♪

♪ Living out instead of in ♪

♪ Drinking tea and paraffin ♪

♪ Thinks aloud but don’t say a word ♪

♪ It’s just my vision’s blurred ♪

♪ You’re so ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Out, inside out ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Holding head with foot in door ♪

♪ Camouflage or something more ♪

♪ Goes to sleep on waking up ♪

♪ Coffee without a cup. ♪


(cheering continues)

Aw, fuck off!

Fuck off!

Welcome home, Daddy.

(knocking on door)

You decent?

Thought you might be thirsty.

It’s Canadian.

There’s more in fridge.

I asked Veronica to get it.

I don’t want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on.

There’s no hot water.

For fuck’s sake!


It’s Saturday. Bank’s close at 12:00.

Clean clothes, top of the dryer.

Don’t ever hit one of my kids again.

Your kids? They’re my…

Never again.

Is he still here?

Who, Steve?

He’s probably still outside.

Well, tell him he’s not welcome in my house.

He’s the one who got you back.


Why would he do that? Hmm?

When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir.

Middle of a park– Drakkar Noir.

I just spent five hours with him in that camper.

Same fucking smell!

Wish you’d taken a camera.

Total shithole.

Hey, what’s urine and Canadian beer have in common?

They both come from pussies.

Bet you’re the only one who missed me.

No, ’cause Carl said, “The cable’s off. Where’s the ladder?”

And Lip said, “Dad’s the only one who knows what to do on the pole.”

Did you see Toronto?


CN Tower?

Christ, yeah!

You can see right across all of Canada from the top.

I didn’t stay up there long, though.

Don’t know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn’t take their eyes off me, like, “Hey, I’m having that guy.”

Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down.

Bits of Canada are beautiful.

You just have to know your way around.

Do you now?

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Every inch.

Hey, I gotta go cash a check.

Make me a sandwich for when I get back, okay?


(clunk) BOY: Ow!

(bike clatters)


Davey, it’s me, Frank! Come on, man!

Open up! Let me in!

Just until I find another place to stay.

No way, Frank.

I promised Mary, never again!

We had to burn that mattress.

Come on, Davey! I’ll sleep on the floor.

Definitely not! We got carpet now.

Moving out again?

Fuck off!

I don’t like the way I’m being talked to around my own house.

Like what?

“You never got me this, Dad.

When can I have that, Dad?”

Yak, yak, fucking yak.

All six of you.

Never mind I’m a single parent!

Never mind you wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for me!

Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.

Life is hard, we all know that.

Money is harder.

I can only stretch it so far.

Do you even know how much we spend a week on groceries?

Too much. That’s how much.

120 bucks.

Fiona pays $70.

Me and Ian go in $25 each.

Plus gas, electric, taxes.

We pay that.

About time you contribute.

Do you know how much you spend a month at the Alibi?

None of your damn business!

Over $700.

That’s Kevin, right?

My friend Kevin telling you that behind my back?

Well, he’s screwed the golden goose now.

Watch what happens to his tips when I boycott the Alibi.

And go where?

The Lamplight.

You’re barred.

The Fountain. Barred.

Elmo’s Head.

Burned to the ground two weeks ago. Arson.

I don’t need Kev to tell me.

I check your pockets every night.


You better run!

FRANK: Take it easy!

(Frank yells)

(body thuds, Frank grunts)

Forget you owe him money?

Everybody thinks I owe ’em money!

You pawned his flat screen.

I’ve been nothing but a friend to that fat jigga prick.

And his microwave.

I won’t say it twice– go home.


I won’t say it twice…


people are laughing.

But they only thought Toronto was funny once they knew you were okay.

I didn’t split like your mom did.

I could of.

Let the state figure out what to do with all six of you.

But I didn’t.

And bars weren’t…

You ask anybody. A beer… once in a while, and that’s it.

Three, I’d be on the floor.

And they all thought it was funny then that I couldn’t knock ’em back.

You can’t win, you know?

Your mom just takes off, you’re all looking at me.

Six kids to keep track of when you’ve never had to do that stuff.

Food on the table.

Clothes for school.

Bills to pay. Diapers.

Dentists. Oh. Oh.

And you’re all looking at me like I’m fucking up.

Which I am!

Then what’s the point?

So you knock back a few?

Then you have a few more.

(horn blares) And while you’re knocking ’em back, you know everybody’s laughing, but that’s okay ’cause that’s what you need.

Hold on! That’s what you need.

You need people laughing.

You need people drinking anything so long as it’s not six kids that you didn’t want in the first place!

So screw ’em all and just get used to it!

ALL: ♪ O Canada ♪

♪ Our home and native land ♪


♪ True patriots love ♪

♪ In all thy sons… ♪

How you doing, Frank?

Can I pour you a nice tall, frosty Molson?

Old Style, JB back.

Oh, how about a Labatt and a Canadian Club.

(patrons laugh)


Ah, fine! Just kill me!

EDDIE: I don’t know you, Frank, but it occurred to me, you and I are the victims here.

Two hardworking, God-fearing men.

We raised our kids in a straight line with discipline and with God’s good guidance.

My Karen was 12 when I heard her use the C-word.

And on a Sunday.


And her mother? (scoffs)

A woman who’s only pleasures in life come from sex, TV cooking shows, and drawing maximum benefits from the welfare state.

Hundreds a week.

And for what?

Agoraphobia. (scoffs)

A made-up disease for people who want to sit on their ass at home and watch TV.

I don’t know where Sheila’s dignity’s gone, or whether she ever had any in the first place.

Her whole world is about this big, and the less she does, the more they pay her.

I’ve done it now.

I left them.

I’m not proud.

Far from proud.

But I just refuse to be sorry because…

(voice breaks): because…


I refuse to be sorry…


Oh, if you’re looking for the brothel, it’s just two doors down.

It doesn’t have a mailbox.

Right-right there. No, no, Sheila, for you.

An apology.


Not apology, just…

I’m Frank. Ian’s dad?

Lip’s dad?

Oh! Oh, the twins?

Oh. (chuckles) No.

I… I heard about what happened.

Eddie leaving?

Oh. Uh, my boys, your daughter?

I just wanted to say

I’m sorry.

Oh, that’s-that’s-that’s very thoughtful of you.

Come in, Frank.

I, uh… You’ll have to take your shoes off.

This is a beautiful house, Sheila.

Oh. Thank you.

It feels, uh… feels big without him.

You should come over to ours.

You can’t move without stepping on a kid.

Six of ’em.

That must be nice.

It’s great when they’re little, but they’re growing up now. Mm-hmm.

You miss them, don’t you…


…when they’re gone all the time?

And the house all to yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I… I love time to myself, but… it’s tough.

(softly): Oh.



Come on, Frank.

You’re preaching to the choir here.

I have not been out of the house in five years.

Five years?

I can’t. I have this overwhelming fear.

I’ve got agoraphob…

I’m sorry, Frank. (sniffles)

I know I’m a little nutty about shoes, but feet!

Oh, God! They have to be…!

Oh, sorry, Sheila, sorry.

I’ll-I’ll get out of your hair. Sorry.

See? This is what I’m talking about.

By the time I get a turn in our one bathroom, there’s never any hot water!

I tried to run a bath when I got back from Canada, but no hot water!

Six kids, six showers, me always at the back of the line!

We’ve got hot water.

Hey, congratu-fuckin-lations!

No, I-I meant if… if you wanted a bath.


(sighs happily)

(knocking on door)



No, she’s not here, or no, she doesn’t want to see me?


Ah. She coming back?

Nah, work. Won’t be home for hours.

Looks good.


Did she say anything?

About you?

No. No, not a word.

So you’re saying…

You fucked up beyond the capacity of the modern human mind to process?


Yeah, it’s a distinct possibility.

Hopeless? Hard to say.

Even odds?

No, less.

60-40? Much less.


Maybe one in ten.

Pretty colossal fuck-up. Yeah.

You’re moderately clever; you’ll figure something out, right?

Yep. Gotta get back. AP Bio-Chem.

Wow. That’s impressive.

Not really, but if you think so…

Any advice?

What, to help you dive back into my sister’s cooch?

Or good graces, yeah.

That’s the same thing, right?


No. No, not a chance.


I-I brought you some clothes.

I stuck yours in the wash, so I hope these fit.


Sorry, Sheila, I nodded off.

Oh, well, you must be exhausted.

Won’t Eddie miss them?

Not unless he sheds 30 pounds.

He found Jesus and just packed it on.

Lean, aren’t you?

I can go three days without food.

Oh, suits you.

Well, anyway, they’re… yours if you…

(towel falls to floor) Oh, Jesus… Oh, oh.

I’m sorry, it’s just… something I haven’t seen in a long time, I…

Eddie only just left, didn’t he?

I never saw Eddie’s.

It always had to be pitch-black for Eddie.

I saw an outline once in a thunderstorm, but…

Like a rolled-up pair of socks.

You’ve got to be over the moon with a fellow like yours.

Oh, listen to me– Desperate Daisy.


If desperate is a crime, then I’m a lifer, Sheila.

No. Yeah.

Single parent? You get out of the habit.

You can… touch him, if you’re tempted.

No. No, no, I’ll just, I’ll just embarrass myself.

Nobody here’s complaining.

Oh! Uh… okay, I can…

Take your time.

Come with me, Frank.

Oh, hold on, Sheila, Sheila…

Come on! Hang on. Shit! Ow.

Oh, you’re all right. Sheila, I can’t see.

Swing around, my man. (grunting)

(door closes)

If I’m going to embarrass myself,

I might as well do it right.

Wow, you just have the…

Tight. That’s tight.

That is… that’s very, very tight.

I’m surprised…

Tribune said Sagittarius was in a for a quiet week.

Yeah, but how does this…

(squeals happily) Ah! Too tight, too tight. Listen, um…

I’ve changed my mind.

Listen, seriously, I-I-I don’t think…

It’s just…

That’s a… what’s in there? That’s a big box.

Oh. That’s your… fun box?

What’s in there?

You got…

Oh, those are… those are pretty sexy.

What else is in there?

Whew. I… (laughs nervously)

I’m… I’m having a bit of a panic attack here.

I… I…


No, honest, I’m struggling to breathe.



The more you beg, the more you’re in for.

Now relax.

I’m-I’m… I’m relaxed.

I’m enjoying this.

I’m fine.

Let’s have a, um, a safety word.

You always do that. Shouldn’t we have a safety word?

Sure, all right. Let’s have a safety word.

Uh, “stop.” When I say stop, that’ll be our…

That’ll do.




He’s smiling for me.

(nervous laugh)

How about that? I… okay.

And when he smiles, we all smile.


I was panicking, I’m not going to lie to you.

Just, uh, got a little…

Mm-mm, stop.

FRANK (screaming): Stop…!

And that is some slow-roasted Bavarian pork chop, with bacon-braised cabbage, some warm Bavarian potato salad, apple salsa fresca, and then, um… just two Tylenol.

MAN (on TV): …deciphering the human genetic code, but he’s also one of the most controversial– iconoclast with a brilliant mind and an outsized ego who has flaunted the conventional wisdom, and tweaked the staid scientific establishment at every turn.

(cell phone ringing)

It’s not me.

I don’t have the phone.

(phone continues ringing) Nope.

He’s an adrenaline junky whose willingness to take big risks has led to bold scientific breakthroughs.

And he’s not exactly shy about outing those achievements. Hello?

STEVE (on phone): Hey. I’m out back.

STEVE KROFT (on TV): Where would you rank yourself in terms of scientific accomplishment?

VENTER: Well, in the field of genomics, I think the record is pretty clear-cut: the first genome in history, uh, the first draft of the human genome…



You stole a floral delivery van?

A peace offering.

A what?

A gift.

What am I supposed to do with all those roses?

No, the… the van.

You absolutely need something to haul the kids around in.

I’m sorry, Fiona.

I shouldn’t have kidnapped your dad.

It was wrong.

Tri-zone air-conditioning.

Power window and door locks.

Alloy wheels…

Here’s $80.

What for? The washer.

I don’t have enough to pay you back for all of it right now.

No, the washer was a gift. No, I’ll get you the rest as soon as I can.

I don’t want your money.

We don’t need your charity.

It was a mistake.

I thought I was doing you a favor, with your dad.

Go away, Steve.

VENTER (on TV): I think the teams that we have, and what we’ve accomplished are certainly amongst the biggest discoveries in modern science. What did I miss?

NARRATOR: If you have some stereotype of a scientist in your mind, Craig Venter probably doesn’t fit it.

He scuba-dived with sharks to gather microbes…

(Blood Arm’s “She’s a Guillotine” playing)

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ Execution scene now, baby ♪

Whoo, whoo, whoo. ♪ I gave her my head ♪

♪ She wanted my heart ♪

♪ Like it’s 1792, whoa-hoa ♪

♪ You may say I like the abuse ♪

♪ And I love this hell of a mademoiselle ♪

♪ It’s true ♪ Morning.

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a death machine ♪

♪ Driving like James Dean now, baby ♪

♪ I gave her the wheel, we crashed and… ♪

The cuffs themselves were manufactured in Fort Lauderdale, but the faulty locking mechanism was illegally imported from North Korea, without this channel’s knowledge or approval.

Right here, boys.

We do apologize for any inconvenience this has caused our shoppers.

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪ ♪ Ah ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ She’s a guillotine ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Please be honest, we were dishonest ♪

♪ Now we got to say hello ♪ ♪ To the sky ♪

♪ Please be honest, we were dishonest… ♪


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