Shameless US – S01E01 – Pilot – Transcript

Drunken father Frank is of no use to his dysfunctional family; Fiona meets a handsome stranger when her purse is stolen; Lip is shocked to discover his brother Ian is gay.

Original air date: January 9, 2011


FRANK: Nobody’s saying our neighborhood’s the Garden of Eden.

Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether.

But it’s been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I’m proud of…

…because every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me.

Fiona, my rock, huge help, has all the best qualities of her mother…

…except she’s not a raging psycho bitch. -Blow.

FRANK: Lip, smart as a whip. Straight A’s and the honor roll.

Boy’s definitely going somewhere.


OFFICER: You, come back! Stop!

FRANK: Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic.

Don’t have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper.

Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock.

Carl… Um, I don’t really know that much about Carl.

Oh, loves animals.

Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room.

Ah, Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in.

Liam, gonna be a star.

I’m no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor.

He and the ex were close.

Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors.

There’s nothing they won’t do for each other…

…or to each other.

That didn’t hurt half as much as I thought it would.

FRANK: I never realized how little sex I was having…

…till V and Kev moved next door.

And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, mentor.

Captain of our little ship.

We may not have much, but all of us, to a man…

…knows the most important thing in this life:

We know how to fucking party. Wa-ha!



Fuck you, pig!

COP 1: Let’s go.

Let’s go, people.

COP 2: Go home. Let’s go. Out.

FIONA: Seven fifteen, monkeys. Come on.

Seven fifteen.

DEBBIE: “Oh, no. I fell down.”

IAN: First shower.

LIP: You had it yesterday.


FIONA: Shit.

Electric. LIP: Yeah.

IAN: Coming through.




No, you got a Happy Meal on the front of that shirt.

Field trip. Need Dad’s signature.

DEBBIE: Okay. FIONA: Arms up.

LIP: Deb, that’s getting really good.

FIONA: Who’s got the phone?

LIP: I got it.

FIONA: Any minutes left?

Uh, fourteen.

DEBBIE: Hey, I need something for show-and-tell.

FIONA: How much are we short?

Eighteen dollars, thirty cents.

LIP: I’m tutoring after school. Should be able to kick in 10 more.

Wait, did Carl put in any?

You’re almost 9, you’re gonna have to start pulling your weight.

And get a real job, not just dipping into the collection plate at St. Tim’s.

I’m filling in for Candi. I can cover the rest.

Extra kraut on mine. IAN: Cheese on mine.

Somebody’s gotta take Liam.

Uh, I got a calculus test.

I’m working after school.


Show them the birthmark on his back. It looks like Latvia.

Hey, that’s my fucking bike!

WOMAN: No Candi again?

Bobby’s got a bail hearing.

That kid’s gonna be the death of her. What is it this time?

Tried tagging a cop car with the cop still in it.

What? -Who’s got the jumbo dog?

How’d you know?

X-ray vision.

Hey, would you tap that ass?

Once, if I double bagged it. Project girls don’t abort.

Hi. I’m here to help Karen study for her midterm.


You’ll have to take your shoes off.

What? -I’ll get you a plastic bag.

Here you go.

KAREN: She’s got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house.


Oh, right.

MAN [ON TV]: I like that with the candle.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Okay, so if you remember it like this, the formula’s completely visible.

Okay. Midget naked witch is bending over…

…and she’s crying because she lost one ear and she can’t find it.

How do you know all this?

Just something I like to fool around with.

Like a hobby?

No, more like a plan.

Physics? -Yeah, yeah.

Have you done Newton’s first? I’ve got a great one for that.

Everybody continues…

…in a state of rest or uniform motion…

…unless acted upon by an external force.

Uh, hang on. Karen, I’m…

I’m still gonna have to charge you for this.

Charge me?

Yeah, this isn’t charity. I get paid for tutoring.

I know. Science just turns me on.


LIP: Jesus.

FIONA: Lip, you in there? Lip?

LIP: Yup.

Can I borrow your deodorant?

LIP: I’m using Ian’s.

If I stick this in the wash before I go, keep an eye on it?

Do it tomorrow. -It stinks in here.

LIP: Sorry, there’s a shirt I need.

Fiona. We need to go if we’re gonna get a ride to the club.

FIONA: Five minutes. -Look at me.

This has gotta go back tomorrow.

I’ll put it back on later. I have a tag gun. -What?

From when I worked at T.J. Maxx. Let’s go.

FIONA: Hot dogs downstairs. Nachos too.

Have fun. VERONICA: Bye, lovely.

IAN: Hey, Veronica.

Hey. -Hey.

[ON SPEAKERS] She won’t ever get enough

Once she gets a little touch

If I had it my way You know that I’d make her say


I said no more sailors And no more soldiers

With your name in a heart Tattooed upon their shoulders

Kisses like whiskey It gets me drunk


In the morning With the taste of your tongue

In the back of the car On the way to the bar

My purse! Fuck! My purse. That bastard took my purse.


She won’t ever get enough Once she gets a little touch

Shit. Hey! Hey!


Ah! Sorry.

That was fucking incredible.

Truly, honestly, one of the most heroic things I’ve ever seen. Did you see him?

Yeah. -Stupid, but, man, heroic.

Steve. My name is Steve.

Uh, I was gonna offer to buy you a drink anyway.

VERONICA: Oh. She’ll take a drink.

Hey, where do you think you’re going? -Are you serious?

Where’s his stamp? -Can you believe this joker?

If you were doing your job, he wouldn’t have had to.

No stamp, no re-entry. -Is he for real?

Fat prick.

Fine. You’re all barred.

For what?

Drugs. -What?

He probably let him get away, he knows him.

Shut up, skank. -Watch your mouth.

Or you’re gonna do what?

FIONA: Okay, forget it. Please, forget it.

Okay, come on. Let’s get a cab. Thank you. Come on.

WOMAN: Oh, shit!

DRIVER: Hey, watch it!

VERONICA: Hey, fucker!

You motherfucker!

Got a hummer today.

What’s the law on sex with pets?

From Karen Jackson.

No way. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She got a C in physics, needed a B.

Yeah, you wouldn’t have waited this long to tell me.

Oh, five hours.

Okay, you’re full of shit. -Fuck you.

You ever have a knob-job?

Once or twice. LIP: Ah. Wow.

I didn’t hear you rushing to tell me.

Yeah, well…

I mean, I thought we tell each other everything.


…you got sucked off by a guy.

For instance.

VERONICA: No way, Lake Forest? Lake Forest is not Chicago.


FIONA: I’m not kidding, Steve.

You are dead if he ever lays eyes on you. And I mean dead.

I nearly peed myself when you hit him. Well, I did a little.

Hey. LIP: Hi.

How many of you live here?

Not me, I’m one down. But the guy next door died in March…

…which technically makes us next-door neighbors.

You’re a nurse?

VERONICA: Used to be.

Lying bitch.

She worked housekeeping at Cook County.

Bedpans and shit sheets.


…but I was offered a place in the nursing school.

Fine, but it never happened.

They fired her for selling medical supplies on eBay.

Shut up. We don’t even know him.


Carl. -Lip.

Debbie. -How you doing, Debbie?

Nice watch. -Thanks. Panerai.

What’d that set you back about, six bills?

Plus Ian. STEVE: Hey.

Hey, Debbie, why do they call him Lip?

His real name’s Phillip.

Yo, Veronica. You got my keys?

What’s going on here?

This is Steve.

Decked the bouncer at Purgatory to defend my honor.

My honor.

Yeah? Which bouncer?

Jimmy Clifton.

Jimmy CI…? Well, Jesus, man, put it there. Respect.

Guy just stands there. Doesn’t really do any…

Yeah, you’ll be his third conviction. Third or fourth. Fourth, yeah.

After that much practice…

…you’d think the man would have manslaughter down by now.

No more fuck-ups like leaving his dad breathing.

His dad? KEVIN: Yeah.

Five years over an ’87 Monte Carlo with 200,000 miles on the odometer.

A fucking Monte Carlo.

Okay, time for bed. Up the wooden hill.

CARL: It’s not even midnight.

DEBBIE: Oh, man.

Come on, go.

Already? LIP: Shut up.

Move, move, move. Come on.

Yeah, let me just take one last look at you while you’re still alive. Ha-ha!


What, that’s his?

Yeah. Well, company car.

What kind of company?

Internet startup.

Earning what?

A couple mil a year.

High school dropout.

Got a job as a janitor in this small tech firm…

…within a year, he owned it. Made his first billion by 20.

Two jets, controlling interest in the Red Wings…

…10,000 employees kissing his ass. “Yes, boss. No, boss.”

Why shouldn’t he ride around in style?

Oh, you just made that up.

What…? Why do you do that?

Your face. -How is that funny? It’s not even funny.

How the fuck would I know how much he earns, you twisted dumb prick?

I’m not a dumb prick. -Kevin, I just met the guy an hour ago.

Take back “dumb prick.”

Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Veronica. What’s your pre-tax income?

You sure didn’t mind watching him take his shirt off now, did you?

Not one bit. In fact, if you hadn’t walked in…

…Fiona and I were gonna knock him down and tag-team him.

Now I guess I’m stuck with you.

Hold on.

The Fiona tag team, is that an option?


Because, you know, you could throw that…

VERONICA: Anytime you like it too.

I’ll do it, all right.

All quiet up the wooden hill?

As quiet as it ever gets.

Straight answer, if I hadn’t busted my skull for you…

…would you have looked at me twice?

Who’s saying that I looked twice?

Oh, you did, then?

What? -We can’t.

Ninety percent of the world’s problems…

…are caused by tiny words that come in pairs.

I mean, we’re healthy and we’re happy, but when people ask, we say:

“Not bad.”

You know, the first time that I saw you dancing…

…about a month back at Crobar, I was desperate to buy you a drink.

You know, normally I’m shy, so I told myself:

“I can’t. She won’t. We wouldn’t.”

And then tonight, I see you there again.

All the indications being that I’m getting a second chance…

…to make a good impression.

Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.

Slower, slower, slower.


Slower. Slower.


Ah! Ow, ow, ow!

Almost. Almost.


TONY: Fiona? -Shit, shit, shit.

TONY: Fiona.

FIONA: Fuck.


TONY: Fiona, are you home?

Is Fiona in?

She’s upstairs.


I’ll go get her.


Yeah, cops looking for you.

Stay here.

DEBBIE: Liam. Liam.

FRANK: You… You think you can’t be…

You think little guys can’t be fucking faulting you…

I wouldn’t put him near a carpet till his pants dry a bit.

Thanks, Tony. FRANK: Nice.

TONY: See you, Fiona.

Who the hell is that?

My dad.

STEVE: You just leave him there all night?

He’s never there when I get up.

So who’s the little guy? Liam?

Liam’s my brother.

[MOUTHS] Fuck.



Anne’s school called, she’s sick. Everything up to 204 is clean.

I should be back in a couple hours.

Raul won’t care?

He smoked his lunch again. He won’t even know.

I’m making tamales tonight. I’ll drop off a dozen.



And take all the toilet paper you need.


You ready, big man? Let’s do it. Come on, here we go.

Kevin, did you miss me, dear? A beer and a bump, and…

Billy, you having one? Have one.


Go away, Frank.

A pen, Mr. Beerkeep. It is disability day.

Disability people haven’t caught up with you yet?

I thought they had some guy following you around with a camera.

They can follow me around all they want to…

…but they have to actually catch me doing something.

What’s with the crowd? -Layoff at the Chrysler plant.

You see? That’s the problem with working.

Too much instability. Stress.

What the fuck is this?

What’s left, after I settled out last month’s bar tab.


Better start a new one, then. Oh!

And a round for all my friends from the UAW.

WOMAN: Yeah.


Wow, really?

Fuck, no.



Wondering what your schedule’s like on Friday.

Uh, I’ve got a party.

Want a chaperone? -You’re not eligible.

Right. Chick thing?

You’re not that desperate.

Wanting to see you again’s desperate?

No, feeling like you have to, that’s desperate.

Come on. You can get laid anywhere.

Oh, so I’m only here for a fuck?

Never crossed your mind?

Just when you think you’ve collared your dream girl…

…her incontinent, alcoholic father appears, wrecks everything…

…and she’s blaming you?

Your dream girl? We had drunken sex on my kitchen floor.

Quit pretending you don’t even know me. You weren’t that drunk.

Hey, it’s Phillip. -Hey, it’s dead man walking.

Jimmy Clifton called today looking for you.

STEVE: No school? -Nah, I got some teeth pulled today.

Wisdom teeth? -Sugar rot.

Ah. Little-known fact: Don’t just chew your food on one side.

It can buckle your jaw which will buckle your hips and affect your posture.

That’s a fact? -Skeletal fact.


[MOUTHS] Fuck off.

Hey, talk out of your ass with that much conviction…

…you end up needing a much bigger toothbrush. That’s an anal fact.


Listen, thank you for trying to get my purse back and stuff.

Stuff? -I’m not looking.

Not right now.

Okay. Is it all right if I leave my number for when you might be?

LIP: Relax, okay?

IAN: No.

No, no, no. You’re gonna like it. -What am I even gonna say?

You just gotta keep talking about science.

I don’t know anything about science.

Okay, so just read from the table of elements.

Cerium, erbium, praseodymium.

Mrs. Jackson.


Karen is thrilled with you. She got an A on her physics midterm.

Karen. Honey, your little helper is here.

This is my brother, Ian.


I’m out of plastic bags. Why don’t you leave your shoes out here…

…where they can breathe? -Sure.

IAN: Erbium, cerium, praseodymium, magnesium…

You kids want some homemade lime chicken chimichangas?

No, thanks, Sheila. I think we’re fine.

No? All right.

Praseodymium, uh, magnesium, sulfur…

EDDIE: All right. I’m off to work.

Oh, hey, fellas.

Where’s Karen?

Her room, I think.

Google Earth for a GPS reference on where Isaac Newton was born.

SHEILA: Guess what I made for your lunch.

Cornish game hen with Asian pear? -No.

Wild salmon with baby carrots? -No.

Kiss and I’ll tell.

I’ll find out what I got when I open the damn box, all right?

I’m late, Karen, honey. I guess I’ll see you in the morning.

What’s she hiding for?

What are you hiding for?

Oh, sweet Jesus.


It’s just a study group.

Oh, honey.

He caught Lip.

The further you run, the more I will kill you!

Really? An old lady on the train?

Oh, yeah, the doors were closing on her walker.

Lip barely got his foot in in time to stop…

Ow! Jesus, Fiona.

I can’t remember whether that’s good or bad.

More likely you jumped the turnstiles and he twisted it…

…trying to outrun the transit cops.

No. Always elevate extremities.

Move before you give him a fucking embolism.

You okay, Lip? -Please, don’t touch it.

Okay. Wiggle your toes.


Go to my house, top of the freezer. Two ice packs.

Second cupboard above the sink, liquid ibuprofen, freeze spray, Ace bandages.

Should we get it x-rayed?

No, you’ll be in the ER forever. For what? “Sub-metatarsal hematoma.”

Tell us something we didn’t know five hours ago.

My bedroom, top of the TV.


Pack of smokes and the lighter. Okay.


LIP: Shit. I’m not here. I’m not here.

IAN: You don’t know us, Fiona.

Oh, what have you done? What have you done?

Can I get it through here or is it better around the back?

Samsung washer.

It’s not me.

Gallagher, number 2119? -Yeah, but that’s not ours.

Well, it’s paid for. You want me to hook it up or not?

KEVIN: Where you going with those?

Veronica wants them. -Well, give me one.


Oh, oh Everybody say oh, oh

Got it? Okay. Ice and Advil. And keep your weight off of it.

I thought you were broke. -That’s what I said.

These were in the washer.

“Steve”? No. -Yeah. Uh-huh.

Who’s Steve? -The other night.

No. -I know.

Fifteen years. Fifteen years. I’ve done everything in my control.

What did I say? What did I tell you? Sow and thou shall reap.

She didn’t reap this from me, I’ll tell you that.

Reap what? What are you reaping now?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Whatever it is, I’ll try. I’ll really try.

Mom, don’t beg him. If he can do this, then the bastard’s not worth it!

Hey, you honor thy father.

Get fucked!

Don’t try blaming me for this.

You’re your own worst enemy, you two.

They say bad things happen in three. They don’t. Twos. You two.


STEVE [OVER PHONE]: Hello? -How much you pay for it?

I’m not telling you that. It’s a gift.

So you’d remember the phone number, which obviously worked.

Your washer’s in the yard. We don’t need it.

So you gotta come pick it up before it starts rusting.

Oh, is it?


Did the guy connect it?


It’s working okay?

It’s not my favorite color.

Oh, so you’ve tried it.

Let me smell your breath.

Pork rinds? -No.

Those are mine. -See?

And since when do pork rinds come from a pig?

Ian, I sign your check. What’s bad for him is really bad for you.

If you start lying for him…

They’re just corn chips with fake hair. Fake corn, even.

Get yourself to that mosque so your dad stops blaming me…

…for the fact that we’re going to hell, and talk to your mother.

She won’t talk to me. I can’t force her to take her meds.

I don’t want the cops dragging me out of bed at 4 a. M…

…because she’s yelling that the CIA is stealing her trash.

But that happened, didn’t it?

Once, four years ago, yes.

But now she’s locked in the basement making a helmet out of tinfoil.

Enough’s enough. Boys, let’s go. Get in the car. I have to take the boys…

…to Cub Scouts at the mosque before all the carpets are taken.

She’s your mother, get her to take her Thorazine.

No. Boys, no candy. Come on, let’s go. We’re gonna be late. Go, go, go.

No more.

Come. We’re gonna be late. Hurry up.


Just tell me you didn’t go and get some girl pregnant.

No worries.

He hates me.

You just look more like Mom than any of the rest of us.

You probably scare him.

Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

He ain’t seen nothing yet.

He give you money for the field trip? -I’ll pay my own way.

No, you won’t.


You must get sick of having to think for everybody.

At least I can. Proves I’m wanted.

Jesus, Fiona.

If all you want is to be needed, then congratulations.

You got yourself a job for life with this joker.

Hey, get up.

Dad, get up.

Get up!

“Good job, Fiona.

I don’t know how I could do this without you.

Thanks for all your hard work.”

You’re welcome, Dad.

My pleasure.


Good night, Daddy.


STEVE: Hello?

If that wasn’t bullshit, what was I wearing?

First time you saw me, if that wasn’t a lie.

Black top with gold trim, black shiny jeans…

…thin shoes, straps.


With your hair pinned high.

Dangly gold earrings that made me smile.

A big watch, too big…

…so it slid up your arm, but it looked great.

And you were dancing next to a red-haired girl in a green dress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jenna. It was Jenna’s birthday.

So you were watching her, who’s a lot better looking than me.

You think so? Really? -How come you’re not stalking Jenna?

Because you think like that and Jenna doesn’t.

Jenna dances for an audience.

You dance like there’s no one else in the room.

Your life’s not simple, Fiona…

…and you can’t stop it from showing because you’re no fake.

You’re not lost. You don’t need finding.

This whole city belongs to the Jennas, I’m sick of them.

I swear, Fiona, you’re nothing like anyone I’ve ever met.

You make me want to enjoy my life again.

Are you there?


STEVE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

What have I ever done to anybody, never mind you…

…that made me look unreliable? Unreliable?

People like you are used to getting your own way.

And by “people like me” you mean people like what?

Okay, wait. All right. Yes, no. All you gotta do is agree or disagree.

“He thinks the sun shines out of his own ass.”

Agree or disagree? -Agree.

“He’s overly generous and that bugs me.”

Agree. -“Because I’m not used to get…”

Actually, very agree.

“Because I’m not used to getting spoiled.”

“Okay, so I lose respect for guys like Steve, because people unlike Steve…

…or people diametrically opposite to Steve have always let me down.

So deciding he’s overeducated and has more money than sense…

…is somehow more socially acceptable than asking myself, for instance:

‘Why do the men I always date treat me like shit?”‘

Fuck you.

It’s a question.

Fuck you.



“He’s had an easy life.”

Definitely. -You prefer a guy…

…who’s been around the block.

What if I do?

Say, D-Block of a maximum-security prison?

If he knew how to have fun, sure.

Fiona, I can’t help my upbringing.

How come it’s me having to apologize for mine?

Who’s asking you to?

We finished here, guys?

We’re working on it.

You wanna wait outside while I pay the bill?


He’s on break? -Any second now.

All right.

STEVE: Good evening, sir.



STEVE [OVER PHONE]: I don’t buy and sell cars.

I just sell them. But the cars I sell are mainly not mine.

Still looking for fun, Fiona?




Mom, we have to wear our shoes. There’s bits of glass on the floor.

Maybe Lip could use a drink.

Oh, yes.

Sorry, Lip.

LIP: It’s okay.

I’m a bit off today, aren’t I, Karen?

So vodka? I could do Sloe Comfortable Screws.

Plenty of tequila. I think I’m out of lime. Definitely Gin Fizz.

Just a couple of Cokes, Mom.

And some beers?

Beer is great, Sheila. Thanks.

So, what if your dad comes back and sees me here?

He won’t.

It’s my fault?

He’s been looking for an excuse for months.

What impression did you get from my brother?

Ian? -Yeah.

Seems nice.

Right, but did he pitch a tent?

Huh? -Did you make him hard?

Ever try to play pool with a rope?

Yo, Kash.


LIP: Yo, Kash.

KASH: All right, you stack the butter. I’ll do the snacks.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Lip.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Kash. I just…

Thanks for the tools.

Anytime, as long as I get them back.


You must be joking.

What, you’re fucking him?


He bought them for you, didn’t he? Those shoes.

He’s married.

With kids. What else did he buy you, Ian?


Now and again.

And you’re happy with that?

What’s that make you, huh?

Fucking kept boy, at best.


Listen to me, stupid. You think you know everything, but you know shit.

Ask me what I got him, huh? Ask me.

CDs, dozens of CDs.

Stuff he’s never heard of, stuff he might like…

…because I want him to like the things I do.

And Sox tickets for his birthday. So, what does that make you, Lip?

It makes you wrong, you fucking smart asshole.

Now, go back to Kash and promise him that you’re not gonna tell anybody…

…because he’s done nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.

Fake Muslim…

…cheats on white fundamentalist wife with gutless gay boy.

Says more about White Sox fans than it does for the rest of us.

I think they’re all asleep.



Who’s been eating my porridge?

Hey, Dad. This is Steve.

Oh, no, no, no. We met before, but you weren’t exactly…

How much do you weigh?

I don’t know.

That would fit me.

You can just ignore him. And you, move.

You know what? I’d better let you get to bed.

Um, but thanks. It was nice.

Yeah. -Nice, right?


No. No.

Who paid for this?


STEVE: What?

What the hell’s he on?

Uh, he thinks he bought ecstasy…

…but the only dealer he gets credit from is a schizophrenic.

It’s not a case of whether or not I agree, it’s a fact. If I were a single parent…

Aren’t you a single parent?

“Yeah, but if I had tits…”

Yeah, but if I had tits…

…they would double the money. If you’re a guy, they don’t wanna fucking hear it.

No, I get it. It’s, “Prove you’re looking for work…”

He’s on disability. -Yeah? For what?

A tragedy, really. I gave my life to that company.

FIONA: You worked there a week.

STEVE: What happened?

Slaughterhouse, poultry. Dangerous work.

Doing my job, unsuspecting, when out of nowhere…

…I am slammed in the ribs by a headless flying chicken.

I was lucky, it almost missed me.

And what do I get for my pain and suffering?

Followed around by a video camera. Where’s the trust, Steve?

The sacred bond between employer and employee.

Gone, Steve. It’s gone.

How’s a guy supposed to work, hurt, with kids?

Hello. Thank you. Exactly.


Excellent. Excellent. And her mother…

…God rest her soul.

Dad, stop it.

She better be dead, that bitch. FIONA: Cut it out!

Four-month-old baby, 14-year-old girl just had her appendix out…

…11-year-old Lip, 10-year-old Ian…

…a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old, and… Ohh!

And a Dodge Astro van.

No. -Calypso… Yes, calypso blue.

What’s the one thing that we needed? One word. One thing.

Sterilization? -Continuity.

Continuity. -Continuity.

I… I… What could I…?


Oh, my God, I love this part.


“You said no strings could…”

I… I… What could I do, Steve?

I… I… -Disappear for three weeks?

I had a breakdown. -You went on a bender.

Fuck off. Nervous breakdown.


Dad. Come on, keys.

If this is… Okay. This is… Sorry.

I like him.

You got any idea what time it is?

Sorry, it’s Frank. He’s…


KEVIN: Frank, what did I tell you? -Here we go. Neighbors of Satan.

The day you start paying rent like the rest of us…

…you can play whatever you want, but if you’re gonna bump this time of night…

…you’re gonna pump out the stuff that we like. Okay?


Ladies and gentlemen






FRANK: What? What? What?

VERONICA: Uh, uh, uh!

STEVE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s it.

Oh! Oh!

Watch it.

FRANK: Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Your dad made me follow you up.

Gave me a condom.

He must really like you.

He usually just gives my boyfriends a dental dam.


Liam’s in here somewhere.

Don’t the kids wake up?

Would you?

Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Gone when I woke up.


How can that be good for you? Or…? Or that?

How can that be good for you? -You know what’s not funny?

You. Ever.

Anybody before Kash?


Yeah? Who? -I’m not telling you, all right?

All right, name a single time I’ve let you down.

It was a kid at school. -Yeah?

All right, I guess it doesn’t really matter…

…because, I mean, he’s long gone now anyways, but…

Roger Spikey.

Roger Spikey?

Fucking donkey-dick Roger Spikey? The original beef-meister?

Did he start that rumor?

Not a rumor.

Well, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows…

…you wanna watch that. -All right, fuck off, all right?

But seriously, like…

Like, up the ass?

Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean…

I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic.

It just is.


What? What?

“Just is.” Like we’re only given our lungs to fricking smoke, right?


STEVE: That’s hot.

Don’t drop it. Please, don’t drop it.

Please, don’t drop it! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That sausage is great, huh?

DEBBIE: Haven’t had eggs in a while.

STEVE: Somebody wanna get the pancakes?

What’s all this? -Debbie wakes up earlier than I do.

I told her I never eat breakfast but she said it’s her favorite.

Pancakes. -And since it’s her birthday…

FIONA: No, it’s not.

CARL: It’s not her birthday.

I never said it was, I said I wished it was. -Right, she said she wished it was.

Sorry, Deb, I totally misheard that. Perforated eardrum on the right.

Fifteen minutes before school, tops.

LIP: Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Ian, Lip, dishes soon as you’re done.

Debbie, Carl…


You’re not… You forgot to take the trash out.


DEBBIE: Hey, it’s my birthday.


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