Shameless – S11E11 – The Fickle Lady is Calling it Quits – Transcript

Kev and V announce the big news. Lip's progress in selling the house forces Debbie to reevaluate her past, present and future. Ian and Mickey adjust to a different neighborhood. Carl is reassigned. Liam reminds Frank what makes him Frank.
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Shameless - S11E11 - The Fickle Lady is Calling it Quits

Original air date: April 4, 2021

Ian and Mickey have different experiences to their new place and the Westside, Ian enjoys meeting his new neighbors and amenities, while Mickey has a hard time adjusting from the loud and chaotic vibe of the Southside to the quiet and friendly one on the Westside, but Ian convinces him to try to make a better effort to get acquainted to his new home. Kev and V get the Alibi ready to be sold before they move to Louisville, and they find old memorabilia that takes them down memory lane. Carl is demoted to meter maid after his assault incident and refusing to apologize, so he uses his new “power” to stick it to the rich and look out for the poor. Debbie gets worried that Frank and Monica’s bad parenting make it hard for her to find lasting love, until she runs into a recently released ex-convict named Heidi. Lip gets an offer to sell the land of the house, but after he tries to drive the offer up, the buyers pass on him, after he starts to sell things, assuming that the buyer would take the deal, meaning he has to continue with his improvements. Liam and Frank have a day out doing “Frank things”; as his dementia continues to worsen and he sees it causing more problems, other than memory loss, he decides to overdose on heroin.

* * *

[punchy music]

How the hell’d you get in here? Hey, I’m not gonna tell you what happened last week on Shameless, all right? Go look it up on goddamn Wikipedia.

* * *

[sighs]

[whispers] Shit.

[tires screeching]

[Mickey sighs]

[gunshots, sirens wailing]

[tires screeching, siren wailing]

[gunshot]

[siren wailing, gunfire]

[Mickey exhales]

Stupid fuckin’ moon.

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

[punchy pop music]

[indistinct chatter]

[waiter] Last call, guys.

[customer] Another round of appletinis, please.

♪ I got one, two, 99 problems

♪ And the cig in my hand, it ain’t one

[woman] Give me your keys or at least call an Uber.

[man] I’m good, I’m goo– I’m fine.

[clerk] Yeah, gluten-free.

[woman] Oh, for health. They smell really good, right?

♪ A glimpse of the climate change getting warm

[woman] Bars are closing. Let’s go have an afterparty.

[woman] Okay. All right.

Fuckin’ West Side.

♪ Antoinette, sweet Marie

♪ Chop it off, squeaky clean…

[door closes]

♪ Down below, buried deep

♪ Let me go, set me free

♪ Body’s strong, but mentally

♪ Lost my mind, guillotine

Hey.

[Lip] Hey.

♪ Lost my mind, guillotine

Thought you moved out.

Go fuck yourself.

♪ Lost my mind, guillotine

[snoring]

[alarms blaring, sirens wailing]

[man shouting indistinctly]

[exhales sharply]

[sirens wailing]

[car alarm blaring]

[tool whirring loudly]

Mornin’.

[Lip] Hey.

You stay up all night again?

Indeed, I have, Officer.

[Carl] Yeah, I’m an officer, but what does that even mean? All I see is lazy cops who do nothing or hard-ass cops who don’t give a shit about the community. It’s like I don’t wanna be either one of those, so what’s the point?

What?

Nothing. Never mind.

No, no. Look, I’m sorry, man, I do, I wanna listen to you, but could we do it another time? My brain can’t switch gears right now.

[hammer thudding]

That’s fine.

Jesus–loud! Early!

Yeah, well, I gotta try and get this finished. I wanna list the house by the end of the week.

[Debbie] Great. Can’t wait to get kicked out soon.

[sighs] We still having this conversation?

Are you still uprooting my daughter and I from the only home we’ve ever known?

No, No. I’m selling our home so everybody can have a nest egg and buy their own homes.

[sighs] Whatever. I’ll still be all alone.

Then go find somebody to be with.

It’s not that easy! I suck at relationships.

I can’t take care of you anymore, Debs.

Of course not.

Look, I got my own family to worry about.

So do I!

We’re adults now, okay? This is what adults do. They move on, all right?

Guess I’ll go off and find some random old person to marry.

You should do that.

I’ll be out of your hair soon enough–don’t worry.

[hammer thuds]

[whispers] Fuck.

[wood clattering loudly]

[hammer thudding, wood clatters]

[sniffing]

Ohh–gross! Ew! Ass fuck. You shit yourself, Frank. What the fuck?

[Liam] Frank.

I just shat the bed and pissed myself.

Ew!

I’m lost. Spent. Used up.

You’re just being dramatic.

I’m hopelessly wandering in a world I don’t recognize.

[Liam] It’s just a bad morning for you. Happens to the best of them. What are you doing today?

Uh…nothing.

[Liam] Me neither. Let’s have some fun.

I don’t feel like it.

Come on. It’s like you used to always tell me. Either you run the day, or the day runs you.

I said that?

[sighs] Just get in the shower. We’re gonna do some Frank things.

Frank things?

Yeah. Drinking, scamming– you know, Frank things.

Okay.


[rustling]

[Ian] Hey, morning.

[Mickey] Hey.

[Ian] Where you been?

I, uh, just woke up early, went for a walk.

[Ian] Oh. I slept great last night. You?

The moon’s really fuckin’ bright over here.

I’m pretty sure it’s the same everywhere.

I…guess so.

[bag rustling]

You wanna check out the amenities in this place?

I’m gonna get some laundry done.

Sure you don’t wanna hit up the gym… go for a little dip in the pool after?

No. I wanna check to see when our furniture’s gettin’ here.

Meet up after, then.

Yeah, sure. Not goin’ anywhere.

Okay. Yeah, good. I’m glad we rented this place.


[Arthur] Carl, morning.

[Carl] Arthur.

Beiser’s husband made pound cake. It’s in the break room. Grab some before it’s gone.

Or I could just eat the crumbs off your vest.

Mm? Oopsy-doopsy. Got a dog at home, eats up all the crumbs on the floor. Know what we call her?

Um…Hoover?

Oh, my God, that would have been genius. No, her name’s Millie.

[Stamps] Gallagher.

[Carl] Sergeant Stamps.

Need you to apologize to Mr. McManus, Carl.

That the guy with the Merce-Benz?

[Stamps] He’s filing a brutality claim against you.

Me? What? Why?

I’m gonna go with door number two–slamming the guy against his car.

This can all go away. Say a few words, “I’m sorry,” blah, blah, blah.

[Carl] Seriously?

Most likely, he’ll drop the claim. It’ll save the department 50K.

[Carl] So what? Every time someone complains, we just apologize and it goes away?

If the person’s a rich a-hole with an attorney.

[Stamps chuckles] Ready?

[Arthur] You got this, Carl.

[Stamps] Mr. McManus, Officer Gallagher has something to say to you.

[McManus] Excuse me if I don’t, uh, do a jig. I got two dislocated discs in my neck, thanks to you.

I’m very sorry about that, sir. I was out of line, and it won’t happen again.

Well, I hope we can all put this behind us. Officer Gallagher, you may go back to work now.

[Carl] Thank you, ma’am.

[McManus] That’s it? You’re gonna let him get off that easily?

[Stamps] Gallagher, hold up.

I’m a victim here.

[Carl] Yes. Yes, you are, sir.

I was simply double-parked in front of my building, and you slammed my body up against my car.

I’m sorry about that.

[sighs] Well, now I know how every Black person in America feels.

[Carl] Did you actually just say that?

[McManus] Say what?

[Carl] That you, a privileged piece of shit who evicts people from their apartments can relate to how Black people feel, who are literally murdered at the hands of the police department?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do relate to them.

[Carl] No, stop. I was fine apologizing to your entitled ass to make this all go away, but I can’t play this game anymore. I spent the last few months trying to figure out what kind of cop I wanna be, and I’ll say this, Sergeant Stamps: I haven’t met a lot of good role models here.

Why don’t we regroup and–

But this jagoff made me realize what kind of cop I wanna be now.

[Stamps] I’m not sure you’ll have much of a choice at this point.

I wanna be the type a cop who stands up for those who don’t have a voice– the lost, the forgotten. They deserve a fair share, even if that means rich pricks like you, Mr. McManus, have to pay the price in order to rebalance the scales of justice. So, with that being said, I take my apology back.

[McManus] Mm-hmm. I’ll see you in court, dickwad.

[Stamps, softly] Gallagher.

[Arthur] Last piece of pound cake! Goin’ once, goin’ twice, sold to Arthur Tipping.


[rock music]

[indistinct chatter]

[officer] All right. All the way down.

All the way down.

[officer] Hope I don’t see you here again.

[woman] I ain’t never comin’ back to this shithole.

[officer] Then don’t try to kill no more cops or nothin’.

I’ll see what I can do about that.


Really didn’t think I was gonna like it there that much, but everybody’s so friendly and nice.

How can Louisville be nice if they don’t even have pro sports teams?

They have good college B-ball.

That doesn’t count.

[Veronica] Kev! It happened.

Oh, fuck, please don’t tell me that that picture with me with a turtleneck resurfaced on the Internet.

I don’t know about that. But the money came through, deposited into our account. Look.

Holy shit. That’s a lot of numbers.

Eighty large!

How’d ya score that?

We sold our house.

You got $80,000 for that piece of shit?

Actually, we got $175,000.

What?

[Veronica] Yep. But we had to pay off the bank loan.

How’d ya sell it so fast?

Developer left us a note on our door sayin’ she wanted to buy it.

It’s official. We’re movin’ to Louisville. Holy shit, it’s official. We’re movin’ to Louisville. Are we really doin’ this, V?

Of course we’re really doin’ it.

You sellin’ the bar, too?

[Kev] I guess so.

Absolutely.

And everything in it, V? I mean, what about this? What about Hulu Lamp Girl?

I love her.

You didn’t even know she was here, Kev.

I knew exactly where she– No! Hulu Lamp Girl!

Hey, you guys.

[Kev] Hey. We sold our house.

Wait. What?

[Tommy] Yeah, they’re gonna become college basketball fans.

[Kev] Hey, Tommy, don’t ever say that again. We’re movin’ to Louisville.

No! Why is everybody leaving me?

Oh, you can come visit.

We’re gonna have plenty of room in our new house.

Why do you guys have such a good relationship?

We work on it.

Sex.

I can’t even find a partner. Kev, what’s wrong with me?

Uh… [mumbling]

Never ask a guy that question. There is nothin’ wrong with you.

Not true. Everybody I’ve ever dated has treated me like shit.

That’s because you treat yourself like shit. You have to love yourself before anyone else is gonna love you.

Cute. And total bullshit.

No, it isn’t.

It is. That’s just what people say when they can’t find a partner. [Debbie groans]

Where are you goin’?

[sighs] Find somebody who can give me a better answer.


[Frank] Spare some change.

[Liam] Any little bit will help. Please.

[car horn honks]

Anything will help.

[car horns honking]

Spare change, please!

[man] Get out of the street!

Spare change. Help me feed my family.

[Liam] We’re homeless. Hey, Frank, isn’t this is fun?

[Frank] Yeah.

[man] Hey!

Yo, yo, yo, yo! What are you fellas doin’? Gonna get smushed!

[Frank] Wait, wh-who is this?

[Liam] Oh, what’s goin’ on?

Name’s Lester. I’m not gonna hurt ya.

[Frank] Did he say Chester?

[Liam] Lester.

You were out in the middle of the street. Here, take this. Promise me you’ll go home now. C-can I lead you in the right direction?

Twenty bucks is not gonna cut it–we got bills to pay.

How’d ya know it was a 20?

I have a keen sense of–

My father has partial vision in his left eye.

Come on, son, we gotta go get some more money.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

[car horn honking]

Aw, jeez. Here’s a hundy. Is this enough to keep you guys out of traffic?

Uh… yes, it is.

[Lester] Okay. Great. Now, please, go home.

[upbeat music]

Stay safe!

[horn honking]

[Frank] Well, that was fun. Hey, let’s go spend some money.


[Ian] How’s it goin’?

This treadmill taken?

[man] What?

[Ian] Nothin’.

[quietly] You just go back to workin’ those ripped, sweaty abs.

Okay, let’s see, uh… cross-country running? Sure. Incline…five. Speed…20? Okay. Shit!

Never put the speed higher than eight on these new ones.

[panting] Thanks.

Virgin?

Only at fancy treadmills.

[chuckles]

[man] Just move in?

[Ian] I did.

Think you’ll like it here.

[Ian] I think I will, too.

[upbeat music]

Me and my ripped, sweaty abs will see ya around some time.

♪ Can’t hold me back


[driving rock music]

Shitty-ass moon. Eh. Looks good.

[woman] Morning!

Jesus!

Or is it afternoon already?

Your dog’s wearing a diaper.

Miss Suzannah. She’s a breeding dog. It’s her time of the month.

That’s fuckin’ weird. Hey, you know where I can find the laundry in this shithole?

You know, I couldn’t help but notice that you just hanged some sort of…curtain?

Sorry. Who are you again?

Melanie Runkin, on-site manager. We met after your husband signed the lease. From the South Side, right?

What about it?

They probably do things differently down there, but here at the Arlington Grove, we have a… a whites-only policy.

That’s some racist-ass shit.

I’m talking about curtains.

Oh.

You can read the guidelines in the CCNRs. Come on, Miss Suzannah.

The CCN what?

[Melanie] Bye!

Poor fucking dog.


[Veronica] It’s about 1,600 square feet, not counting the back storage area. Two blocks away from the El.

Kev, we’re not keeping those things.

Yes, we are!

[Veronica] Okay? Yes. That would be great. All right, I’ll see you there.

That was our commercial real-estate agent. He’s coming by to check out the Alibi. He said it should sell pretty easily.

That’s our cue to go.

What? Why?

If you’re selling, we need to start dating other bars. We gotta find our new home.

Wait, so th-that’s it? You’re just leavin’ us?

[Tommy] See ya.

[door opens]

V, we need to slow down a little bit here.

We are moving forward. All of this is in our rearview mirror!

Not mine!

[Lip] Yo. What up?

[Veronica] Hey.

Hey, I’m glad to see you.

Hey, yeah, I, uh, came by to grab the sink from Stan’s old apartment? You guys said I could have it for the remodel?

Yeah, yeah, come on. I’m really glad you’re here. I…I need a guy chat right now, I’m– I-I need some support.

Well, I’m kind of pressed for time–can it wait?

Not really.

[Veronica] Hey, Lip.

Yeah.

You can ransack our place. Take whatever you need.

What do you mean?

We sold our house.

Wait, wait, wait–you what?

[Kev] Uh-huh. Yeah. We did.

I’m just hearin’ about this now?

[Kev] Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You know? I’m feeling a little unmoored here.

You guys didn’t even do any renovations.

No, buyers are just gonna knock it down.

Fuck me. Who is this person?

Developer. Left a note in our door. I’m sure she left one in yours, too.

They wanna buy three houses on the block.

You serious? I been bustin’ my ass to fix the place to sell, and you guys get an offer just like that?

175 large.

Shit.

You still got that note?

I should. Let me check.

Hey, Lip? Lip.

Yeah.

Guy chat? Kitchen sink?

Yeah, shit, I’m sorry, Kev. This is kind of a lot for me to process right now.

Yeah, how do ya think I feel?

Ah, here it is. Yeah.

All right, I’ma call her right now. And, Kev, I’ll call you later, all right?

Yeah, sure thing. Great talk. Thanks. Bye.

Fuck. You guys aren’t gonna be my neighbors anymore.


Despite all of this potentially turning into a major lawsuit for the department, I was very inspired by your speech.

Thank you, sir– uh, ma’am.

Ha. Reminded me of why I became a police officer in the first place.

Really?

Your words– mm, mm, mm– brought a tear to my eye.

Is that so?

Yes. It was beautiful. But you made the wrong choice. Went against the department.

So you’re gonna fire me?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can’t fire you. Union won’t let me. But I can demote you.

Demote me?

Hmph. Welcome to your new job, Meter Maid Gallagher. Ha ha.

[Carl sighs]

[serious rock music]


[sighs]

Mmm. Oh. Ahh. I missed your fucking green little leprechaun ass.

[hard rock music]

[car alarm chirps]

Jack-fuckin’-pot, baby.

[tires squealing]


[door closes]

[Debbie] Hey, Tami.

[Tami] Hey. We were just talking about all the hair you grow during a pregnancy.

[Debbie] Oh, God, don’t remind me. whenever I would shave my thighs, it would grow back the next day. It was like I was living in hair shorts.

[woman] Kids are a pain in the ass. Uh, what are you doin’ here? Need a haircut?

I need a life. I’m trying to figure out how to find a relationship that lasts.

[woman] You single?

Yeah.

[woman] Ooh, lucky!

No. I hate it.

Why?

I mean, I don’t want to be alone.

Well, I wish I were sometimes.

[woman] Ooh, me too!

How can you guys say that?

[woman] Easier.

Yeah, you get to make all the decisions yourself.

[woman] Don’t have to deal with anybody else’s baggage.

Exactly.

[Debbie] No. I want someone to share a life with. I mean, I wanna take care of someone.

[Tami] I don’t know, Debs. I-it’s possible you might be alone the rest of your life.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I just mean that your parents were really shitty role models.

[scoffs] Yeah, they were pretty shitty.

[Tami] Yeah. They didn’t teach you how to connect, be vulnerable, resolve conflict, communicate, compromise.

[woman] Damn, that’s some real talk!

I didn’t even know those were things I was supposed to do.

Yeah, and it’s not your fault that you don’t know those things.

Yeah. It’s Frank’s fault.

Yeah. It is.

I mean, he ruined love for me.


[Frank and woman groaning]

[Frank moans]

[light music]

[Frank] Thank you, doll.

[chuckles] See you soon, Frank.

Bye.

[Liam] Sounds like everything worked out okay in the romance department.

I don’t know about romance, but I’m still really good at fucking.

[Liam chuckles] Frank Gallagher’s still got it.

Mm.


[rock music]

[machine beeps]

[sniffs]

Whoo.


[door closes]

[light music]

[woman] Forgot your towel?

Yeah, I didn’t even think of it.

Here. We have extras. They’re clean.

Thank you.

We’re in apartment 203. Just bring it back some time.

[man] Washed.

Alan. Of course he’s gonna wash it before he returns it.

I don’t know–he didn’t shower before he jumped in the pool.

Oh–

Don’t listen to him. He’s a stickler for rules.

It’s written right there.

Sorry about that. Didn’t see it, but won’t happen again. I promise, Alan.

I’ll let it go this time.

Thanks.

You just move in?

I did. With my husband.

Here. Sit, sit. I’m Jill. And Alan, of course.

Ian.

[Alan] So, Ian, what do you do, besides contaminate our pool?

[Jill] Stop, Alan! It has chlorine in it. He’s only joking with you.

That’s okay, I don’t mind. I, uh, have actually never lived in a place like this before, so this is all new to me. I grew up on the South Side my whole life.

Well, you’re gonna love it on the West Side. There’s so much to do over here. The restaurants, cafes… yoga studios.


Hey, buddy.

Hey, what are you doin’ here?

Came by to see how your first day in the new job was.

I think I’m gonna like it– drill on the street and whatnot. Finally feel like I have a purpose.

Good for you.

What are you doin’ in that thing?

Sometimes I like to take it for a little joy ride.

Usually people take out a Landi or a ‘Stang for a joy ride. Arthur Tipping takes out the meter maid vehicle.

Hey, I know you don’t think I’m very adventurous.

True statement.

But I can prove you wrong.

How? You gonna steal a doughnut from 7-Eleven? Break up a fight on a playground? Talk too loud in church?

I happen to have a very wild side.

[Carl] Ha ha!

You know the “Renegade” Challenge?

Yeah? What of it?

You and me, let’s go.

We’re officers of the law. And I’m on duty.

What’s that I hear? You’re a scared little pussy?

Bitch, you don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. And you’re not on TikTok.

Oh, ho ho.

[“Renegade” plays]

Oh, my God. That’s my song!

♪ Renegade, renegade, renegade, renegade

♪ Go go go go

[Carl] Fuck you.

Watch and learn, nerd.

♪ Like I hit the lottery, the lottery

♪ Hos a trip, watch ’em how they fall on me

♪ Hunnys blue, yeah, I got ’em all on me

♪ Go go go go

♪ Go, let’s go

♪ Mm, Prada shoes

♪ Yeah, I keep a style on me

♪ Style on me, pretty freaks

♪ Make them bitches pile on me

♪ I swear, rack party

♪ I got 30 thou on me right now

♪ Go go go go go

♪ Go, let’s go


Hey.

[woman] Hey. You Lip?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Flavia.

Hi.

Thanks for reaching out.

Yeah, yeah, you got it. So, uh, look, I got the note you left on our door, and, uh, the Balls said you bought their house?

Oh, my boss did. I’m just helpin’ her out. She’s lookin’ for three houses in a row on this block, and we just acquired that one.

Oh, the old Milkovich house. So–so my house would be the third.

If you’re willin’ to sell. Could offer you 200K for the land. New development goin’ up.

Oh, you’re pushin’ people out, huh? You know folks have lived here for generations. Be unrecognizable soon.

I got another appointment in, uh, ten minutes, so… Do we have a deal? I could, uh, send over the paperwork for you to sign. Money would be wired into your account in under two weeks.

Look, since I’m the last man standing and, uh, you need my house to finish the project, seems only fair I get more than $200.

Well, how much you thinkin’?

I couldn’t see myself selling for less than $300.

We could, uh, probably make $250 work.

Two seventy-five?

You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Gallagher. Let me talk to my boss.

Thank you.

[chuckles]


[upbeat music]

Get out of the road, Grandma!

[softly] What the fu–

I can go faster than you with my eyes closed and my dick in my hand.

Yeah, very, very funny. All right, nothin’ to see. Move along.

[punchy music]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please, I’m right here, I’m right here.

Sorry. Meter’s expired.

[sighs] I know. I remembered when I was already in line. I didn’t wanna leave and lose my spot, man. Come on, you know how long it takes in the post office.

Look, I’m just doin’ my job, buddy.

[softly] Oh, fuck. How much is the ticket? I got furloughed last week, and–

[woman] Hey, shit for brains, better not ticket my car. Seriously, have you nothing better to do than be a bottom-feeding scumbag who can’t make a living any other way?

You know what? You can go, son.

What?

[Carl] Yeah. Seriously, no ticket for you.

Seriously?

Seriously. I’m the type a cop who gives the poor man a break every single time, no questions asked.

Okay, great. Thank you.

[jazzy music]

However, as for you, I’m going to make people like you pay every single time. You rich fucks are goin’ down.


Hey, girls, I need to tell you somethin’. Sometimes change needs to happen, and when it does, at first, it’s really hard. But in the long run, it’s always for the best. Well, not always. I mean, I had to change foster families from the Butterfields to the Carrias, and that wasn’t so great. The Carrias liked to beat me with belts and slippers and hairbrushes. Yeah, come to think of it… change is really, really bad.

Kev, what are you doin’? Just tell them. Girls, we are leaving Chicago and moving to Louisville. Cool? Cool.

That’s exactly what I was doing, but I was trying to do it in a delicate way.

Well, it wasn’t workin’.

[door opens]

[Frank] Afternoon, my fellow Americans.

[Kev] Hey, Frank!

[Frank] The finest beer for me and my son.

[Liam] I’ll take a Coke.

Hey, Frank. Been waitin’ for you.

Ohh!

[Liam] Hey! Hey, are you okay? Debbie, the hell you doing?

Back up, Liam! You ruined love for me! I’ll be alone the rest of my life!

That’s true! The only way you’ll ever have love is to find someone who’s even a bigger loser you are. Then they won’t leave you!

[Frank] Ah! Jesus!

[Liam] Get off!

[panting] Come on, Franny.

[Liam] Are you okay. She break anything?

[Kev] You all right there, Frank?

[Frank, grunting] Never better.

[Liam] Guess we can scratch bar fight off the list.

[Frank] Mm–God! Kev, there’s something wrong with the beer. [groans]

I tapped it this morning.

It tastes like poison.

[Kev] It’s fine.

[Liam] Maybe try bottled beer.

[Kev] Yeah, can you get him a Heisler, V?

[Veronica] What the hell, Frank?

My body’s rejecting alcohol.

[Kev] Jesus, Frank.

[Liam sighs]

Here, try these.

I’m scared.

It’s just like you told me. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I said that?

I’m sure you intended to at some point.

[Frank] It’s no use, son. Who am I without alcohol?

[Liam] You’re Frank Gallagher!

It’s my one true love. But now she’s rejecting me.


Oh, shit. You again.

Well, I am the on-site manager. How can I help you?

Haven’t gotten our furniture yet.

Okay.

You know when it’s comin’?

I’m not exactly sure why I would know that. Where did you order it from?

Order it? No. It’s the shit you guys had.

I want to help you, but I’m very confused.

The furniture, like in the apartment on the tour you showed us– where’s ours?

Oh! [laughs] I get it now. The apartments, they don’t come with furniture.

Wait, what?

They’re unfurnished.

Why the hell’d you show us one that had furniture, then?

Uh, that was a model.

[Mickey] Huh?

An example of how an apartment can look.

Okay, hold on. So we don’t get any furniture.

No, I’m sorry. But that is very cute. I’ve never had anyone ask me that before.

It’s not fucking cute, lady, you should’ve told us that shit before we signed the stupid-ass lease. You and your fuckin’ weird-ass dog.

Don’t tell me I’m fuckin’ cute for your fuckin’ bullshit, lady. Fuck it! You owe me some chairs.

[Alan] Excuse me. You can’t take those.

Like hell I can’t, bitch!

[Alan] But they’re for everyone.

Well, guess they shouldn’t charge so much rent for an apartment don’t have no fuckin’ furniture!

[Ian] You gotta put the chair back, Mickey.

[Mickey] What the hell are you doin’ in the pool?

This is Jill and Alan.

I don’t give a shit if it’s Siegfried & Roy. I’m out here gettin’ harassed left and right from everybody in this dump, and you’re in the pool playin’ fuckin’ footsie with these two!

[Ian] It’s fine. Hey, you can’t take the chairs. We’re gonna get fined or evicted.

[Mickey] You know, I don’t give a shit! You know what? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, just like everybody else in the fuckin’ West Side! This place blows! I’m out of here!

[Jill] That your husband?

Yep.

[Alan] Passionate.

Yep.


All right, just a couple more minutes, love.

[door closes]

[Lip] Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Guess what.

Hey, babe.

Brought back the cleaning supplies. Don’t need it anymore. We’re sellin’ the house.

I know, that’s…that’s why you’ve been spending so much time on it.

No, I mean we’re selling the house, like, right now, right? I just talked to a realtor who works for a developer who wants to buy up three houses on the block. She already got two, including Kev’s–she gave him $175. All cash. Offered me $200. I said I wouldn’t do it for less than $275. Isn’t that amazing?

Okay, whoa, slow down.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, I’m talkin’ about us finally having enough money to buy our own place.

Yeah, but you turned down $200,000?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I could make $275. Right? I mean, it was a tactic. I was workin’ her over. You should’ve seen me. You would’ve been impressed. I was good.

Okay, but I’m confused. So she–she gave you the $275?

No, no, no, not yet, but she will, and the best part is, I don’t have to spend any more money workin’ on the house, right? I mean, developer’s just gonna tear it down. Look, you know what? I’m gonna tear out some a the new shit I put in the house. I’m gonna sell it, all right?


[heavy rock music]

[man] Oh, shit, it’s Heidi.

That’s right, cockroaches! Heidi’s back.

[guttural singing]

[humming]

Thank you for your hospitality. That don’t make up for you being a shitty mama, though.

[groans]

You want me to put your TV program on for you? There ya go.

[siren wailing]

Those fucking rat-ass neighbors of yours! Don’t be sad if I shoot some of them.


You are excused for being a shitty car. Shitty car. Shitty car. You, however, are not. Pow!

[beeping]

[woman] Oh, no, please, hey, come on. I’m right here. Don’t give me a ticket, hey.

Sorry, miss. The meter’s expired.

Wha–Carl!

Tish. You’re pregnant.

You’re a meter maid.

You have a Lexus?

[chuckles] It’s my boss’s. She lets me borrow it sometimes. The driver’s seat in my car doesn’t really go back far enough. The steering wheel digs into my belly.

Oh. Yeah.

Are you still gonna give me a ticket?

Of course not. If I didn’t know you, I would. That’s my new mission in life– fuck over the rich.

That’s a good mission.

Thanks.

How long you been a meter maid?

I really hate that name. I prefer something else.

[Trish] Like what?

I don’t know. Meter Master maybe.

Oh! How about, um… Ticket Titan?

Ah, that’s good, too. Parking Punisher?

Oh, sexy. Sultan of the Summons.

I am the Lord of the Late Fees.

[giggles]

I gotta get back to work.

Hey, Tish. Is that my baby?

[car door opens]

Thanks for not giving me a ticket.

[car door closes, engine turns over]


[sirens wailing]

Wee whoo, wee whoo, wee whoo.

Yeah. I hear the sirens, too, Franny. Maybe Grandpa was right.

Why?

[huffs]

Mommy’s a loser. What can I say?

Mama’s a loser.

[scoffs] It’s true. If I find a bigger loser than me, maybe then they won’t leave me. Wouldn’t that be nice, Franny? Having another mommy?

I want two mommies!

[sirens wailing]

Me too. If only I can find a loser bigger than me, then I won’t be alone–

Don’t say a fucking word. Everything’s gonna be fine. Just go along with what I’m about to do, otherwise I’ll shoot your kid in the head.

[sirens wailing]

[sirens fading]

That was nice.

Yeah. Kind of was.

I’m Heidi.

Debbie.


[door opens]

[Tommy] Honey, we’re home. Did you miss us?

Well, if it isn’t Judas and Brutus.

[Tommy] Sorry, V. We should never have left you for another bar– beer, please.

[Kermit] Me too.

[Tommy] Where’s Kev?

We wanna apologize to him, too.

Brought the girls to a playdate, trying to see all their friends before we leave.

I’m not gonna lie, V. It was brutal out there.

Other bars are chargin’ $12 a drink.

And they have all kinds of rules. Couldn’t take off my shoes.

[Kermit] No napping.

Wouldn’t let us run a tab.

Two-drink minimum.

Can’t sit down unless you order food.

One place wouldn’t even let us in without a valid I.D.

[Tommy] And that one bar that wanted a credit card before we even ordered anything?

Total scam.

Well, I hope you two learned your lesson.

Please forgive us.

[door opens]

Well… look who’s back. Benedict and Arnold.

[Tommy] Kev.

[Kermit] Sorry.

[Kev] Hmph.

How are the girls, babe?

Great. They’re gonna have dinner over there, watch the Trolls movie, and Calise’s mom’s gonna drop ’em off later.

Where’d you get these books from?

The library.

What?

Yeah, near Calise’s house. Can you believe it? We’re about to move, and I find out we live next to a library. Who knew?

Well, what’d ya get it?

Well, I went in there to ask that woman who works there…

The librarian?

Long gray hair, glasses, oversized corduroy jumper?

Yeah, that’s her.

[Tommy] That’s her.

That’s the one.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I asked her if she had books on Kentucky, and check it out– I’m gonna learn everything there is to know about that dumb old state.

Oh, babe, you’re the best!

I know. [chuckles] Hey, do you know the guy on the penny was born in Kentucky?

Abe Lincoln.

You read these books, too?

[Veronica giggles]


[whispers] Shit. Hey, Howie, here, let me, uh, let me give a hand with that, man. Here ya go, man.

Give ya $200 for it.

Yeah, good, good.

Wife’s gonna love it.

Cool, thanks, man.

Yo, knuckleheads, get over here.

[man] Yo, Lip.

Yeah, yeah.

You selling that microwave?

Yeah, everything. Everything’s gotta go.

How much?

Uh, I paid $150 for it, so just give me 100 for it.

Hundred?

Thanks, man.

[Flavia] Hey, Lip.

[Lip] Thank–thank you. Hey. Hey, there ya are. I was, uh, I was waitin’ on your call, but in person’s even better.

Yeah, the, uh, the guy carrying out your stove said I could find you back here.

Yeah, yeah, we’re ju–we’re getting rid of everything, you know, especially if your boss is gonna tear the place down.

Oh, yeah, um, about that.

Yeah. What’s up?

Uh, she doesn’t wanna buy your house now.

What? Y-you said she needs three houses, right?

Yeah, she got them.

Uh…I don’t understand.

The man who lives on the other side of the Balls, he closed his deal.

Old man Jefferson sold his house?

For $200,000.

I-I didn’t even know you made him an offer.

It’s business. My boss is very savvy. I encouraged you to take her offer earlier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh… All right, well, look, look, I’ll just take the original offer, uh, that’s $200, that’s good.

Sorry.

[uneasy music]

[man] How much for the fridge, Lip?

[Lip] Um…


[Liam] You okay, Frank?

Uh-huh.

It’s like the doctor said. You have good days and bad days, right?

That’s right, son.

[door closes]

I had a fun time with you.

Oh, yeah? What’d we do?

I don’t think you ate enough today.

Probably right. I’m gonna get food.

Back at it again tomorrow? We’ll do more Frank things.

You got it, son.

Hiya, Frank.

Hey. What’s goin’ on in here?

Oh, uh, the renovations. You know, I’m fixing up the house to–

I know what you’re doing.

Yeah?

You’re looking for that brick of gold we hid when you were 12 years old, aren’t you?

I, uh… I-I was.

I knew it!

Busted.

Ha ha ha! Son! Don’t you remember?

Uh, what’s that?

We buried it.

Right. Oh, yeah.

In the backyard.

No, that’s–that’s right.

So no one would find it, except you and me.

Now–now–now I remember. Yeah.

[chuckling] Good thing I’m here. [laughing]

I guess I’m gonna put the kitchen back together now.

We’re gonna be rich tomorrow. [chuckles] [giggling]

[mellow guitar]

[softly] Shit.


[both laughing]

[Heidi] You’re adorable.

I feel the same way about you.

[Heidi] There’s a lot about me, though, that you probably aren’t gonna like.

Oh, God, don’t even get me started. Me too.

Like what?

Pfft, for starters, teen mom, uh… raped a guy once. Stole a baby. Almost drowned a girl. I beat the shit out of… so many people. Once I drugged my half-sister and locked her in a shipping crate.

Aw. Child’s play.

Really?

Hell, yeah. None of that bothers me.

Good. How about you?

Oh, okay, you ready for this?

Go.

Okay, let’s start– when I’m six, uh, I bit a chunk off my mom’s boyfriend’s face while he was sleeping.


[distant siren wailing]

[Ian] Hey. What are you doin’ over here?

Watchin’ a bunch a jackasses try the cinnamon challenge.

You comin’ back to the apartment?

I like it better on the South Side.

You haven’t really given the West Side a shot.

Look, I don’t fit in over there, man.

Neither do I. But…you know, I’d like to try.

Guess that’s the difference between you and me.

We paid first, last, and security.

And they were supposed to give us some fuckin’ furniture.

We could buy our own.

We’re not gonna agree on anything–we’ll have different tastes and shit.

So you’re gonna stay here, and I’m gonna live over there.

Looks like it.

It’s nicer there.

Well, I guess I don’t like nice.

Don’t you want a better life?

No.

Why?

‘Cause it’s too much– It’s too much fuckin’ pressure, all right?

Okay. I understand.

Shit makes me feel uncomfortable.

Fine. Ahh.

Fine what?

Fine, we’ll stay here, then.

Why?

Well, ’cause you’re my husband. If you’re not happy there, then we don’t have to be there.

Don’t do that shit.

Don’t do what?

Guilt trippin’ me.

I’m not.

Yeah, you are– you’re doing the whole reverse fuckin’ psychiatric whatever the fuck.

I swear…I’m not. What cinnamon challenge things are you watching?

God damn it. All right, we’ll go back.

What?

I’m not changin’ for anybody, though.

Nobody wants you to change.

Those gentrifyin’ motherfuckers do.

All right, maybe you could change an eensy, teensy little bit and not steal anything in the apartment complex.

That’s what I’m sayin’. I feel fuckin’ handcuffed!

That’s all I’m asking for. You can do anything else you want.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Can I piss in the pool?

Ugh. Really?

Yep.

All right, fine, but I want you to come to a yoga class.

Yo–no fuckin’ way!

All right, Whole Foods so we can stare at the organic fruit.

Jesus, really? That’s what you wanna fuckin’ do?

I’m letting you piss in the pool.

[scoffs] Fine.

You are such a fuckin’ barbarian.

Thank you.


[Kev] Oh, shit. That’s why they call it Kentucky Fried Chicken. Learn something new every day.

You ready, babe? I’m tired.

Yeah, let’s do it. Do you know that two women from Louisville invented the “Happy Birthday” song?

[clicks tongue] Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

What?

Photo…

Oh.

Of you, me, and Stan.

[Kev] That’s when we first started workin’ here.

How long ago you think this was?

It’s at least 15 years ago.

Wow. I cannot believe we’re uprooting our entire life. Everything we worked so hard for.

Oh… I knew there was emotion in there.

[Veronica sniffling, muttering]

[crying] We’re leaving everything behind. [sobbing]

Hey, V. It’s gonna be okay.

[sobbing]

Wait a minute. Are you faking?

Totally. Rearview mirror, Kev. Let’s go.

That was just mean.


Sh–

[quietly] Fuck! [loudly] Oh, fuck!

[low funky music]

Hey, Kev. V!


[mellow guitar]

♪ A little messed up, do you feel it?

♪ A little bit a this and a little bit a that

♪ She wanna know which way I’m leanin’

♪ Am I really made of this, am I really made of that?

♪ And is it so bad if you need me?

♪ Just a little bit, whoa, don’t get rid of me

♪ But love is so blind when you feel it

♪ Can’t defeat it, hope you’re feeling

♪ High hopes

♪ High hopes

Ah, that’s so much better.

♪ High hopes

♪ High hopes

♪ I’ma talk like I don’t really mean it

♪ Bless me, St. John’s, I’ma act

♪ Like I don’t really need it

♪ Bet you see these funds, they gon’ cheer me up

♪ Brand-new whip, sound like Cheerio

♪ Wake me up, Rey Mysterio

♪ Ah, yeah, hey, wipe my eyes

♪ Cant’ see clearly, though, I been on the block

♪ Boy move soft like some cereal, ah, hey

♪ High hopes with you man, I wanna see you again

♪ High hopes with you man, I wanna see you again

♪ Yeah, I don’t think you good at keepin’ secrets

♪ All the bags on the floor make you heated

♪ Blind my eyes, boy too bright

♪ He got them sequins

♪ Man, I hope you comin’ back to cop that free shit

♪ Back to cop that free shit

♪ That’s elite shit, high hopes

♪ High hopes

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