Original air date: March 28, 2021
* * *
[overlapping yelling]
[rock music]
Jesus Christ!
Does it look like I have time to tell you what happened on Shameless last week?
Yo, back the fuck up! Back the fuck up, shit for brains!
God!
[The High Strung The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]
♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
Good morning, Chicago. A new dawn breaks on the citywide hunt for “Nighthawks,” Edward Hopper’s most famous painting, stolen from the Art Institute. Despite the museum’s state-of-the-art security system, the thief left no trace.
A-are we sure this is the real one?
Be a hell of a coincidence.
[Mickey] I don’t get it. Two guys and a girl, like, buying coffee– what’s the big deal?
[Ian] It’s supposed to be romantic. I guess I kind of see it. What? They look miserable, but at least they’re miserable together.
[Liam] I think it’s rudimentary. Three people at a diner? Give me some paper. I’ll draw it.
[Ian] Yeah, I kind of doubt that, Picasso.
It’s just another mediocre artist who’s only famous because he’s white.
All right, look, well, we got to get rid of it, right? I mean, if the cops find it here, we’re all doin’ time.
[Mickey] Uh, yo, coffee?
Yeah, top of the washer.
Hi. When are you gonna fix the hot water? I froze my tits off in the shower this morning.
Got the gas company comin’ sometime today. Hey, or you can get your tools out and you can fix it.
No, thanks. Not helping you sell the house we grew up in.
Jesus Christ, Debs, this again?
[Debbie] Yes, this again. I was supposed to be working today, making money to feed my child, but instead, Franny and I have to go look for a new place to live, hopefully somewhere with no lead paint or mass shootings.
[Lip moans]
Hey, Debs, you still covering the afternoon shift?
Yeah.
What shift?
[Ian] The Alibi. Kev and V are in Louisville helping V’s mom settle in, so Mick and I are opening.
No, no. No one’s going anywhere until we get rid of this thing, all right?
It’s not my problem now, now that you’re the one making decisions. Come on, Franny.
We could burn it.
Burn a piece of art history worth, what, millions of dollars?
Wait–millions? Shit. That’s a section 668 federal offense. That’s a major artwork? Ten years, each.
[Mickey] I know a guy who moved some dinosaur bones that fell off a field museum truck a few years back. Want me to see if he can find a buyer?
No, there’s not a fence in the world that can move this. I mean, it’d be like tryin’ to sell the “Mona Lisa.”
Let’s just put it in an alley by the Art Institute, call in a tip.
[Lip] Frank’s prints are gonna be all over it.
I mean, how do you get prints off canvas–carpet cleaner? Do we even have carpet cleaner?
Holy shit. Is that the original? How the hell did it get here?
Good question, Frank.
Did Jelly– They fucked me.
[Carl] You stole it.
[Frank] It was Tease. Wasn’t it? What’d he say? Why did he bring it here?
Tease is dead.
What?
[Liam] You told me yesterday.
Y-you don’t remember anything about this, right?
[Frank] Um…
Why would he lie?
‘Cause he’s Frank.
The doctor said there would be good days and bad.
What doctor?
Or he’s a lying sack of shit who never takes responsibility for any of the crap he does.
[Frank] You can’t talk to me like that. I’m still your father.
He can’t help it, Ian.
Don’t talk about me like I’m not here. I know a guy–
[Lip] What are you doing?
I know a guy–
[Lip] Frank, Frank, Frank–
I know a guy–
[Lip] Put it down, sit down.
[Carl] You don’t know a guy.
[Frank sighs]
[Lip] Okay. What are we gonna do?
He’s gonna say we should hand it over to the po-po.
Hell, no, they’ll kick me off the force and lock the rest of you up. Just give me the day. I’ll scope things out.
[Lip] Well, somebody’s got to watch Frank.
[Mickey] We can’t. We’re openin’ the Alibi.
[Ian] Take him with us.
You can’t take him to the Alibi–he’ll tell everybody he stole it. Then we’re all fucked.
I’m not gonna tell people I stole it.
Look, we got to keep him close, all right? Liam?
I got an errand.
Yeah, well, I got to deal with the remodel, I got the gas company guy comin’, and I got to watch Fred– I can’t deal with Frank.
Cuff him to the radiator.
Fuck off.
Gas company guy might think that’s a little weird, no?
[Ian] Just lock him in the basement– it’s what he used to do to us. I mean, he left me there for three days when I was six.
[sighs] I’ll take him. Frank, you want to run an errand?
What kind of an errand?
Just come on. Don’t forget your jacket.
[door opens]
We got to go too, Red.
[door closes]
[sighs] Catch you later.
Sorry. Keep it safe till tonight.
[door opens]
Great. Thank you!
[door closes]
[door opens, closes]
[upbeat music]
[Carol] Hey. You know that?
I think that I’ll have my morning coffee right there, al fresco. And then my afternoon bourbon in the backyard, also al fresco. Oh, you know, maybe I’ll get one of those, um, firepits that Bear’s been goin’ on about.
Aunty Bev and cousin Constance comin’ today?
Mm-hmm. And Sherm and your Uncle Tyler and cousin Keisha.
[Veronica] Oh.
I didn’t know you had so much family out here.
Yeah, Bev was the first one of us to move to Louisville, then everybody else just followed. You know what? You guys should move down here. It’s like the great migration, but in reverse. I mean, everybody’s movin’ back below the Mason-Dixon Line. It’s cheaper and cleaner and no gang warfare.
Mom…
V, look, there’s a two-bedroom town house on the other side of that cul-de-sac. It’s still available. And they have great public schools nearby for the girls.
We are not moving here, Mom.
Why? You got somethin’ against clean air? Huh? Or bein’ around family or that green-ass lawn? I guess that’s terrible, too, huh?
The lawn is nice. But it’s just, i-it’s the South.
[gasps] You know what? I just had a thought. I should get a hammock for the backyard. What do you think?
Well, let us get it for you as a housewarming gift.
Oh, no, you guys don’t have to do that. Just having you here is present enough.
Every home needs a housewarming gift. Please, let us.
“Let us,” which means me. Okay. I can pick one up on the way to the Louisville Slugger bat factory today. Hey, is there a Waffle House around here somewhere?
Waffle House?
We don’t have one in Chicago, and I love those pecan waffles.
Kevin, do not fill up on waffles. We’re havin’ a barbecue this afternoon.
But I’m hungry.
[Carol] You’ll live.
The Louisville what tour?
[Kevin] Bat factory. I’ve always wanted to go. I might even get a bat with my name on it.
With your name? A bat?
All the major leaguers do it.
You don’t even like baseball.
I love baseball! Take me out To the ballgame–
Since you’re going anyway, would you mind, uh, picking up a few other things for me?
Yeah. I can pick up a couple things.
Now, you gonna need to take the U-Haul. The list is pretty long.
Happy to help.
[exhales sharply] Thank you. [Carol] This is so great!
[mouthing] Sorry.
[Tipping] I’m surprised the captain didn’t assign us the “Nighthawks.” Half the force is out lookin’ for that painting. Ever seen it?
No. Not that I can remember.
I did once. Field trip in the seventh grade. Who do you think did it? The Russians? So they can hang it in Putin’s secret billion-dollar palace just to screw with us?
The Russians?
A heist like that takes finesse, planning. Russians are great at that sneaky stuff–
stealing nuclear secrets, elections.
Probably just some old man who wandered into the museum, saw something he liked, and took it.
An old man? I doubt it.
Well, what would the punishment be for someone like that if they turn themselves in?
Is the old man white and rich or Black or poor? If he’s rich, he’ll buy himself a fancy lawyer and get off with time served. If he’s poor, accidently shot during the arrest.
Poor people always get screwed.
Can I ask you something?
What?
Did you steal that painting?
Well, apparently.
There’s security cameras, alarms, guards. How did you do it? According to the news, they don’t know who took it or how or when.
Ha! Iko, baby. [chuckles]
Dad?
No, that’s you.
Oh, God. When did I get so old? Where are we going?
[Liam] Give me your arm. I’m writing Lip’s number down in case we get separated. I need your help with this kid Wen Chung, see if I can get him to fail his math test on Monday.
Why?
The STEM charter middle school I want to go to automatically accepts the first kids in each class. Everyone else has to compete for the few remaining spots. I’m number two.
What’s your leverage?
Thinkin’ I’ll play the Black card. Then the poor card. Then maybe even the dead-mom card.
You could tell him you’re gay, too. Ooh. That’s a good idea. The gay card’s always a winner.
Whatever it takes. But you can’t let China steal your future. This is still America, right?
Are you asking?
Greatest country on Earth.
Right.
No little Chinese communist bastard can ever take that away from you, no matter how many Covid flus they send our way, try to kill us.
[door opens]
[Lip] Hey, hey.
[Tami] Ho-ho. Holy shit.
Yeah.
What, a tornado blow through here?
No, I was up half the night tearin’ shit out.
[whispers] Hi, buddy.
[door closes]
Hey.
You, uh, you want coffee?
Yes.
Yeah?
Yes, thanks. [sighs] Oh…
There you go.
Thank you. So how much longer is, uh, this gonna take?
Well, I should be done with the kitchen in a couple days, then we can put it on the market.
[Tami] Good, ’cause I have to get out of my dad’s place. Cory’s latest breakup is ugly.
Oh, yeah?
She was on the phone yelling at him for three hours last night. [groans] Hmm.
Hey, you wanted us to move into your dad’s. You still wish I’d said yes?
[chuckles] Okay, don’t be a smug asshole. Did you call about those mechanic applications?
Uh, I got to follow up.
Today?
Look, none a the jobs I applied for are gonna pay anything close to what we make if we sell the house, all right? It’s a better use a my time.
Well, how about do both? You know, you could follow up on the applications and finish the house, huh?
Yeah, okay.
Okay. Good.
[both] Mwah.
Uh, I’ve got a couple more boxes to load up over at Milton’s. I’ll meet you over there later to finish?
Yeah, yeah, sounds good.
All right. See you.
Bye.
What do you say we stash this underground, huh? Yeah, I think so, too.
One part vodka… two parts orange juice. Where’s the OJ?
I don’t get why people like fancy drinks. Why would I pay more to get drunk slower?
I really should pay Teddy a visit.
Who?
Dinosaur bone guy. I mean, I know Lip doesn’t think we can sell the thing Frank got, but he doesn’t know Teddy. We can make, like, a mil, give or take. Buy some land down on the Gulf of Mexico, live like fuckin’ kings– come on.
We’ll get money from sellin’ the house.
How much we gonna get from that?
$20, $25?
[Tommy whistles] If I had that kind of money, I’d buy a boat, load it up with Jaeger, take it out on the lake, and see you fuckers never.
Oh, I’d get a waterbed. I’ve always wanted one. They’re great for your back.
We need to expand the business, get another ambulance, hire a couple guys.
Yeah, right, we need some AKs, couple ARs, bazooka.
Why do you need a bazooka?
‘Cause it’s fun to blow shit up, Kermit.
[Ian] We need to get an apartment first, see how much money we have left after rent.
All right, how much is rent?
Don’t know. Let’s see.
It’s got to be a ground-floor apartment. I don’t want to walk up and down stairs with my bazooka.
[person] Lunch special.
[rock music in background]
[person] Opening day under new ownership.
[sighs]
[person] Lunch special. Lunch special.
What the hell’s a Dutch oven?
Lunch special.
Oh, thanks. Fully loaded burger for two ninety-nine?
New price. Opening day under new ownership.
Wow. I got to hit the Slugger factory, but what the hell, a man’s got to eat, right?
Yeah.
[panting]
You all right in there, dude?
[grunts, breathing heavily] This thing weighs a ton. Where you from?
South Side, Chicago. Down here visiting my mother-in-law.
[person] Ah. How you like it so far?
I don’t know. It’s kind of weird. It’s like two cities, you know? The only thing I see in this part a town are old white women with big hair and Christians with cross tattoos.
I know what you mean. I think they only hired me ’cause I’m brown enough to be part of the patty.
That’s fuckin’ racist! Or is it? I mean… I mean, well, you did get the job, so maybe it’s–I don’t know– good racism?
[rock music continues]
It’s right over there.
Right, cool. Thanks, man.
[Debbie] Hello! We’re here for the open house? Okay. You ready to see the apartment, Franny? This could be our new home.
Can Uncle Ian live with us? I like him the best.
Ha. Me too. But, no, Franny. This is just for you and I. We’ll do our hair, and we’ll paint our nails, and… we could make pancakes. Then, uh, pffft, uh, we’ll–
Play liquor store robbery with Uncle Mickey?
[huffs]
[door opens]
Is this my room, Mommy?
Oh, no, Fran. We’ll use that as like a-a guestroom or something. You and I will share the other bedroom together.
[moody music]
♫ All by myself ♫
♫ Don’t want to be ♫
♫ All by myself ♫
♫ Anymore ♫
All right, Fran. Time to go.
[Liam] He’s not home. His mom says he’s either at chess club or on his way to music class.
Who?
Wen. Roll up your sleeve.
[Frank] Oh, uh… the kid who stole your girlfriend.
My spot at STEM school. I was doing better than him during Zoom classes, but the teachers decided to give everyone A’s for hardship. All that hard work for nothing.
[Frank] Well, exactly. That’s what I’ve been trying to teach you your whole life. Hard work is a waste a time.
What does Wen Chung know about hardship? He plays the bassoon.
Asians are always stealing opportunities away from African Americans.
Don’t you think that’s kind of racist? Wen just happens to be a Asian dude who’s smart.
Did you ever meet a Black software engineer? Huh? No. Asians? Dime a dozen. The communists have a monopoly on Affirmative Action. You got to fight the power.
[handle clattering]
I think our best chance is gonna be a classic kidnap/intimidate maneuver.
What’s that?
That’s a surefire way of gettin’ what you want without spilling blood, assuming you don’t want to spill blood.
I just want to talk, negotiate.
[Frank] Nah, screw that. You want results, you’re gonna have to work him. Ah, here we go. Come on.
What are you doing?
It’s hard to pull off a kidnapping scheme without a van. Come on, get in.
[upbeat rock music]
[laughter]
[Carol] All right, ladies.
Thanks, Mama.
[Constance] Thank you, Aunty.
[Carol] Here you go, sweet pea. Bev?
[Bev] Ooh, just water for me. That liquor does not mix well with my amoxicillin.
[Constance] Oh, Mama!
[laughing] Shh!
I know you not tryin’ to tell me to stay quiet. I have nothin’ to be embarrassed about.
[Constance] Okay.
I had a little fun with a nice young man and got chlamydia.
[Constance groans]
Or maybe it was a lovely older gentleman– I don’t know who gave it to me.
[Veronica] Okay.
Oh, my God, my ears, they on fire.
[laughter]
[Bev] There comes a time in every woman’s life when she stops carin’ about what other people think and starts focusing on what makes her happy. And I’d say that’s about age…
60.
60. Mm-hmm.
Or when your husband dies.
Or after your first divorce.
Oh, well, in that case, the ink on my papers are almost dry, so I cannot wait for that moment.
[Veronica] I’ll drink to that.
[laughter]
[Constance] Cousin, what’s up with you and Kev?
Girl, I don’t know how you do it. I gave up white boys decades ago.
Oh, my baby used to that. She only got white friends in Chicago.
That is not true! I-I-I have Black friends.
Who?
There aren’t many Black folks on the South Side anymore. They all movin’ away, bein’ pushed out by gentrifyin’ white folks.
Mm, yeah. Same thing happened in Harlem.
Pittsburgh, too.
[Constance] Mm-hmm.
How do you think we all ended up back down here?
Just move down, V. Be with your own people.
Well, I’m trying to get Black folks to move back to the South Side.
Not gonna happen. White folks move in, they take over. They are an invasive species, like kudzu.
[Constance, laughing] Kudzu.
[Veronica laughing]
Listen, you need to get out before them little twins bring home white boyfriends named, uh, Mason or Dash.
[Carol] Sis, you right.
Well, plus, your Aunt Bev swears by the dick down here.
You know, in case you want to get a whole jump on that “makin’ yourself happy” thing.
[Carol] Bev, you got to hook a sister up, girl.
[line trills]
[person] Hello?
Yeah, this is, uh, Phillip Gallagher. I was, uh, callin’ ’cause I applied for the mechanic job last week. Uh, I was wanting to see if the job has been filled, and I–
[person] Position’s been filled.
Oh. Uh… All right, well, thanks. Bye.
[person] Yep. Bye.
What is that? Number three? That’s a great use of our time, huh, bud?
[phone beeps]
[line trills]
[Ricky] Bubba’s Kawasaki.
Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Phillip Gallagher. I applied for the mechanic job. I was just, uh–I was wondering if you hired someone.
We did, but I might have another opening. One a my guys peed hot, blew his parole.
Oh, really?
Yeah, what’s your name? Gallagher?
Yeah. Phillip Gallagher.
[knocking on door]
Gallagher. Yeah, you worked at BornFree? Heard they got sold.
Uh, yeah, yeah, you know, they, uh– they let most a the guys go. I think they’re using the space now. They’re rentin’ it out to a CrossFit or somethin’.
[quietly] Hey, man, thanks for comin’.
Yeah… [continues indistinctly]
They take over everywhere they go.
[technician] Checked the meter. It looks good. Know where that furnace is at?
[Lip] Yeah, yeah, it’s just, um… just down in the basement right over there.
[both] Yeah, yeah.
All right, yeah, the gig’s 40 hours a week. 15 an hour. I could start you on the 6:00 a.m. shift.
15 an hour, huh? There, uh, benefits, or…
No benefits, but every couple weeks we do a pizza night for the guys.
Oh, that’s, uh… Shit, you know what? Uh, can I put you on hold?
[door closes]
That’s a pretty good copy, man. You hear somebody stole the original out the museum?
No way.
Yeah, craziest story.
Well, my grandma loved this painting. She had this, uh, copy up in her bedroom till she died. I never liked it that much.
Want to sell it? My mom would love it. Birthday’s comin’ up.
Ah, yeah, I don’t– I don’t know, um…
Give you a hundred.
Nah, I shouldn’t, you know? Sentimental value.
Mm.
Dead granny, yeah.
Where’s that furnace?
Just back there.
Okay.
Hey, let me know if you need anything.
Okay.
[sighs]
[number dialing]
[line trilling]
[Ricky] You’ve reached Bubba’s Kawasaki, best bike shop west of the lake. We’re in Maywood off the 171. Leave a message, and we’ll get back to you.
[beep]
[sirens wailing in the distance]
[rock music]
Hey, what about this one? Close to freeway, so quick escape. It’s got a big backyard. We could get a couple pit bulls in there. And a basement to store guns and stuff.
Is it a home or a safe house?
[clattering]
Same shit. Hey. Hey, ten bucks.
Since when?
Since Kev and V put us in charge. You want to keep bitchin’ about it, it’s gonna be 15.
Well, how about this one? It’s got a heated pool, gym, garden–I always wanted to grow tomatoes.
That’s the gayest shit I ever heard. Hey, a pool would be dope, though. I’d love an underwater blowie. How much?
900 bucks. It’s cheap. Maybe it’s a scam?
You know, a lot of those luxury condos that went up before the pandemic are empty. It’s a good time to rent.
Ah, this won’t work. It’s on the West Side.
Let me see it.
See? Other side of the river?
Oh, fuck.
Too good to be true, I guess.
Do tomatoes grow on a bush?
On a vine.
Then a bunch of tomatoes are a vineyard, then.
Fuckin’–hey, we should go check this out anyway.
I don’t want to move to the West Side.
No, me neither. I just want to see what a West Side heated pool looks like.
[siren wailing]
[person] I understand, lady.
Calm down, please.
[people chanting] Solution, not eviction.
Solution, not eviction.
Let’s get the non-lethals. We might have to beanbag some of these bitches to hold ’em back.
[person] Ladies, we’re handling it.
[protestors clamoring]
It’s just a bunch of old ladies.
[Tipping] They may look peaceful now, but they’re one protest song and a presidential dog whistle away from turning into a deadly mob.
I really don’t think that–
Good. Don’t think. Our personal safety is my primary concern. I don’t want to, but if it comes down to a choice between my noggin and some old Antifa lady’s blue-haired brain bucket, I’m bustin’ heads. It’s hats and bats time, Carl.
Solution, not eviction!
Back up, ladies. This is an unlawful assembly. You wouldn’t be the first nuns I put in handcuffs.
Apologies for that wait. Our bartender came down with something and had to go home. We been rotatin’ servers behind the bar, and they’re way behind. Oh, heck. Doreen’s knockin’ back more than she’s servin’. [sighs] Gonna have to put her back on the floor, take over. Day like this, she could walk away with 200 bucks cash in tips just workin’ lunch.
Um…200?
Mm.
[mellow rock over speakers]
I could jump back there for a bit if you need. I got years of experience bartending. I own my own bar in Chicago.
Oh, man, that’d be terrific.
So I get to keep the tips, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, come on.
[Debbie] Mm. They’re all so empty.
At our new house, can we have White Castle all the time?
Sure, Franny. We’ll see.
[person] Be careful. It’s the last toy you’ve got.
[Franny] Can I go play?
Sure.
[sighs] Got to bring it everywhere. His Captain America got stolen at the shelter. Still cries about it.
How’d you two end up here?
On the streets? Family threw us out.
Your family?
I think it was the drugs, really. By the time I got clean, they’d all moved. Wouldn’t tell me where.
Assholes.
Yeah. Families are shit. They tell you they love you, but when you need ’em, they’re not around.
♫ All by myself
♫ Don’t want to be…
What are you doin’?
Looking for cops.
Ah, he doesn’t do that anymore.
Who?
The– the bartender with the Black girlfriend.
Kevin?
Yeah. Sold a lot of pot out of this thing.
This is a delivery truck.
[Frank] Oh, shit. How long have I been a delivery driver?
No, we took it. You said we needed a vehicle so we could kidnap a kid I need to talk to.
Who are we kidnapping?
Wen.
Now.
No, that’s the kid’s name. Wen.
Ah. We gonna beat him up?
No. I just need to ask him for a favor. We wrote it on your arm. See?
Right. Is he big?
No.
We can throw him in the river, make it look accidental.
This is way above my pay grade.
[technician] Water heater’s fine. Just need a new pilot light igniter. But I’m not gonna be able to turn your gas back on.
Why? Why’s that?
Well, you got several leaks downstairs, you got one up here. Your pipes are ancient–you’re gonna have to replace ’em.
[Lip] Well, how much is that gonna cost?
You have to get an estimate from a plumber, but… probably a couple of grand.
Shit, look, man, I’m, uh– I’m tryin’ to sell this place, right? Don’t you think you can just, like, patch ’em up somehow, and then the new owners, they can deal with it.
Sorry. Don’t want you blowin’ up the block. Let us know when the work is done. We’ll come back, turn your gas on.
[door opens, closes]
[sighs]
You got a couple grand layin’ around? Yeah, me neither.
[phone ringing]
Hey.
[Debbie] Hey. Let’s get a place together.
Wha…huh?
Just because we’re selling the house doesn’t mean we can’t still live together– you, me, Mickey, Franny, Liam. Let Lip do what he wants.
Yeah. I don’t think that’s gonna fly with Mickey. Also, Liam’s gonna live with Lip and Tami.
What are Franny and I supposed to do? I don’t know how to live by myself. I’ve never been alone a day in my life.
[Ian] I don’t know. Get some roommates. Where are you?
Why?
‘Cause you were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago. Mickey and I are late to a thing.
Yeah, well, I’m looking for housing for me and my soon-to-be homeless daughter. I’ll get there when I get there.
Debs, are y– She’s running late.
Yeah, no shit.
We’re supposed to meet the rental lady in 30 minutes. We should cancel.
What? Fuck that. You know what? Tommy, get behind the bar.
What?
You’re in charge till we get back. You get two free beers. Nobody else gets free shit, especially fuckin’ Kermit.
Let’s go for a swim.
I don’t think they’re gonna let us swim.
Okay, ladies, round three.
Oh, my God, I can’t believe you talked us into round three.
You’re bad.
You’re really bad.
You guys are nurses. You’re heroes. You deserve round three and many more.
[mellow music over speakers]
Mmm. So yummy. What do you call this again?
Oreo mojito. It’s my own creation. It won Cocktail of the Year in Vegas.
Wow. So you’re like a real cocktail sommelier.
Tell us, Kev, are you single?
[phone buzzes]
One sec. Hey!
[Veronica] Kev, when are you getting here? People are askin’ about you.
Uh, sorry, babe, I got caught up with Carol’s errands, and then I got hungry–
I don’t need a play-by-play. Just get here.
Okay. I’ll see you in a bit. [quietly] I love you.
[protestors chanting] Solution, not eviction.
Solution, not eviction.
[Carl] This is fucked up.
[protestors chanting] Solution, not eviction!
[Carl] Hey, who’s that?
The landlord–I’ve seen him at a few of these before. He’s the guy who called this in.
[protestor] How do you sleep at night?
[clamoring]
[officer] Hey, hey!
[protestor] We’re not going anywhere.
[officer] You hit me with that bag again, I’m gonna arrest you.
[knocks on window]
Some asshole cop knockin’ at my window.
[stammers, sighs]
Yeah. Hold on a second.
[protestors] Solution, not eviction!
Can I help you?
You can’t park here, sir.
That’s my house right there.
You got to move your car. You’re double-parked.
Carl, what are you doing?
And I also noticed you’re on the phone while driving. That’s a traffic violation.
I’m gonna call you back.
Hey, is this kid serious?
Need you just step out of the vehicle, sir?
[chuckling]
What?
I said…
Whoa!
Step out of the vehicle.
Get off of me, man!
What the hell you think you’re doin’?
I’m arresting you for assaulting a police officer. Class D felony!
Assault? If anyone’s assaulting anyone, it’s you assaulting me.
Gallagher, we don’t arrest people that drive Mercedes.
Do you know who I am?
I don’t care, sir.
I’m calling my alderman!
You people think you can just come down here to the South Side, park wherever you want, kick out our neighbors, arrest old men just ’cause they have dementia?
I have the mayor’s cell phone number.
I don’t care if you have LeBron on speed-dial. You’re going to jail. You and your fancy S-class and shiny shoes are what’s wrong with this world. You’re goin’ down!
Ah!
Huh? Well, fuck that! Give Liam what he needs, and this doesn’t have to get ugly.
Frank, stop!
You know this guy?
He’s my dad.
You watch your mouth, fat guy, or I will fuck you up. I don’t care how little you are.
Give that back!
No, wait, Liam. Wait a second! Liam–Jesus! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. A-are you okay?
[Liam] I’m sorry. My bad. He has dementia.
The deal’s off– I’m taking the test on Monday, and I’m acing it.
Why would you do that?
We were doing good cop, bad cop.
No, we weren’t! I was making a deal with him, and you ruined it!
Ah-ah-ah…
[laughter]
[Constance] Cousin, where you get them moves?
[Carol] She got ’em from her mama.
It’s true, I did.
[laughter]
Oh, baby, come here, come here. This is Millie. Millie lives on the other side of that empty condo. V, y’all could be neighbors.
It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Millie.
Millie, this is my daughter Veronica. She’s an entrepreneur and a political organizer back up in Chicago.
I’m not really a political organizer.
Political organizer! Do you know the Obamas?
I…I do. Shelley and I were in a runners’ club together.
You have to meet my son Douglas. He wants to run for Congress. He could use an experienced political organizer who knows the Obamas on his campaign.
Campaign, for Congress?
Mm-hmm.
[garbage disposal humming]
[Mickey] Ha ha ha ha! Yo, that pool is sick!
Garbage disposal.
[click, motor hums]
Never have to put your hand down the drain again!
Fireplace.
Ooh!
Right?
Come on, let’s go.
Wait. One more thing. You got to feel this bed.
All right. All right.
Just check out this bed, baby.
Ahh. Ahh. It’s like sleeping on a cloud.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that’s nice.
I think we should do this.
Do what?
Rent this place.
Wait–what?
Well, it’s nice, it’s cheap, you love the pool, and the lady at the leasing office said if we sign in the next 30 minutes, we get the first month rent-free.
It’s on the fuckin’ West Side.
I-it’s only 15 minutes away. Just a few miles.
No. We don’t know the escape routes, t-the bail bondsmen around here–
So we stop doing shady shit and grow some tomatoes. Can we just talk to the lady? Take a look at the lease?
I don’t want to look at the fuckin’ lease. I’m not movin’ here. Was this your plan the whole time?
No, of course not. But the place is nice. Can you just think about it?
All I wanted was to go for a swim.
Mickey.
Hey. Uh, I’m Debbie. I-I called about the room you’re rentin’ out.
Ah, yes, Debbie. Very nice to meet you. And who is this lovely little lady?
This is my daughter Franny.
Hi, Franny. You want to go over and play with Fabiola while I show your mama the room?
Okay.
[landlady chuckling]
I’m Beatrice. Uh, these are my sons, Junior, Daniel, my daughter Tamara.
Oh, oh! [giggling]
Some of the little ones are mine. Others are grandchildren. You come from a big family, Debbie?
I do.
And you don’t live together?
We recently lost our house.
[Beatrice] Oh, that’s sad to hear. Was it the virus that got you?
Somethin’ like that.
Mm.
Do you guys all live here?
[Beatrice] Mostly. Some come and go. Your room is up over the garage. Used to belong to my mother-in-law.
I thought I was living in the house.
No, on the other end of the backyard. It’s very private. You’d hardly ever see us. Like your own little sanctuary.
Well, would we share the backyard?
Mm, no, we all never go out back. When my mother-in-law pass on, it took us almost a week to realize she died. We forgot she was back there.
[laughing]
♫ All by myself
Ha ha ha. Don’t worry, though. We cleaned it up.
Well, I was wondering if there’s maybe a room in the house that I could live in? Maybe one of your kids want to switch with Franny and I. They could take the garage, and we could take their room?
I don’t think that would work.
Well… Franny’s only ever lived in a house full of chaos, so it could be traumatizing for her to lose that.
Uh…that’s my son’s room.
[Debbie] Well, uh… Cool! What about this room?
That’s the kids’ room. There’s three kids in there already.
Well, Franny and I could take the fourth bed. We don’t need much space.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable.
We’ll totally chip in with utilities. I could cook, clean. I’ll watch the kids.
We just prefer to keep the family together. I’m sure you understand.
[doorbell chimes]
[Mickey] Hey. Where are your beers?
[clerk] What are you lookin’ for? IPAs, porters, sours, hefeweizens?
American.
To the right.
Jesus Christ!
[mellow music in background]
How much for this?
[clerk] Four bucks.
[Mickey] For the can? Should be, like, three bucks a fuckin’ six-pack, man. What kind of West Side bullshit is this, asshole? Got to sell a kidney just to afford a beer. Four-dollar can, my ass.
[door closes]
On your left!
Oof–
[Mickey] Jesus, Fuck!
I said on your left!
It’s confusing! My left or yours?
On your right!
Jesus Chr– Why the fuck is everybody runnin’? No one’s chasing you fuckers.
[upbeat music]
West Side bullshit.
[door opens]
Hey. There’s my big boy. [gasps] Hi. Hey. How was your day?
Ah, it was pretty shitty.
Well, I was asking Fred, but… Why shitty?
Well, the gas is still off. Apparently the pipes are old, and the whole place could blow, so it’s gonna cost a couple grand to fix it before I can sell the place.
Well, can your siblings pitch in?
I doubt it. They haven’t lifted a hammer to help yet.
Did you follow up on those jobs?
Yeah. Um, they didn’t have anything.
Shit.
[knock on door]
Who’s that?
No clue.
So sorry. Is now a bad time? We know we’re a day early.
We were just, uh, hoping to check out some paint samples.
[Tami] Oh. New owners. Uh, yeah, sure. Come in. We’re just… loading up the last boxes.
[Lip] Hey, how’s it going?
[door closes]
[Maggie] You must be sad to say good-bye to this place.
[Tye] Uh, dude, we really liked that fixture in the walkthrough– I don’t know that you can just take it.
Uh, this one’s mine, but you can talk to Milton. He’s got one in a box in the garage.
Saw that sweet Indian out in the garage. That your ride?
[Lip] Yeah. I’ve been fixin’ it up.
I always wanted one.
Oh, yeah?
For the weekends.
Well, it’s for sale.
[Tye] No way.
[Lip] Yeah.
[Tye] How much?
[Lip] 15 grand.
Or, um… I-I don’t know. Wh-what were you thinking?
I don’t know…eight?
[Tami] Eight?
Well, I don’t know, maybe I could do, uh, 12?
I can go, like, nine. That’s all I got.
[Tami, softly] No. Does that even cover what you put in? No.
[Lip] Yeah. Yeah, no, it’s good, it’s, uh– Okay, we can do, um… we can do nine. You got a deal.
[both chuckle]
[Lip] You want to come take another look?
[Tye] Yeah.
[Lip] Yeah, let’s go.
[motorcycle engine turning over]
[Tami] So how much did you have in it?
Seven in parts, plus my labor means I made about, uh… two bucks an hour.
You okay?
Yeah, it’s nine grand.
Liam, hey. Man! You missed it. Some delivery van got stolen over on Cermak, and the cops were all over the place. [chuckling]
I don’t know how to do this.
Do what?
Take care of you. You’re supposed to take care of me.
You don’t have to take care of me. I’m fine.
No, you’re not. You have dementia.
[Frank, giggling] What are you doing? [sighs] That bad? Bad like old Mr. Ionescu? Wandering around in his bathrobe with his dick hanging out?
Not yet.
Ionescu got his dick caught in a tree in Lincoln Park. They think he was trying to fuck it. Ended up freezing to death. Had to cut him out. Have you all talked about what to do with me when it gets bad?
No. But it’ll probably be up to me to figure it out.
That’s a lot for a nine-year-old kid.
[sighs] Who else is gonna do it? They all hate you.
Right.
I’m 11.
♫ It’s Friday night, and my head is spinnin’ ♫
♫ There was a bar full of whiskey ♫
[door opens]
♫ And a room full of women ♫
♫ I got to get out, but got no place to go ♫
♫ Maybe we’ll drive south to Mexico ♫
Here is your tip. Here’s a little somethin’ on top. Your drink killed out there!
Yeah, the trick is to load it up with Oreos. You got to cram ’em in. Makes the drink so sweet you hardly need any liquor. The sugar does all the work for you.
[scoffs]
Well, if you stick around, know that there is a job for you here at Fry-Yay’s.
Really?
Ha ha. Absolutely.
[mellow rock in background]
Holy fuckin’ shit!
Hey, Franny, you missed a spot on the bottom there.
[Kermit] Oh, leave the kid alone.
Yeah, enough. Here’s a free beer for you, Kermit. Can’t believe Ian left you two in charge of the bar. I’m surprised there’s a bar left to be in charge of.
They went to look for an apartment.
Traitors. They don’t care what’s gonna happen to Franny and me. We’re gonna end up homeless on the street or dead on the floor of an empty apartment.
That’s why I never moved out. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when Mom dies.
Stop taking baths with her, for one.
That was one time. Can’t believe I told you that.
You know what, Debs? You and Franny can move in with me if you want– I got an extra room. My place has been empty since the divorce, and sad. That’s why I’m here all the time.
Thanks, Tommy. But I think I’d rather live under the El tracks.
[Ian] Where the hell’d you go?
Signed the lease.
You did what?
It’ll be good for us, Mick. We can start a life here. Without your family or my family–just us.
You know I grew up dreamin’ about being king of the South Side? Makin’ deals, shootin’ people, not being married to some fag who wants to sleep on a cloud bed on the fuckin’ West Side.
It is a nice bed.
And what’s so bad about bein’ from the South Side?
Nothing. We’ll always be from the South Side, but… now we have a heated pool.
Fuckin’ great.
[Ian] Well, good. You know we’re farther south right now than at our house?
Bullshit.
No, it’s true. ‘Cause of the river. Chicago makes no fuckin’ sense.
Whatever.
[rock music]
Handcuff keys, Gallagher.
[Sarge sighs]
Sorry about that.
Yeah. I got your badge numbers.
You know, sir, kid’s a rookie. They don’t always know.
I’m callin’ my attorney.
[Sarge sighs]
You didn’t tell him about the Mercedes rule?
I told him.
What the hell, Gallagher? We don’t arrest rich people in nice cars.
He broke the law, Sarge.
Cut the “defender of the weak” shit. It is not our job to police the rich. Their contributions paid for our new gym and the snacks in our break room. We’re here to serve and protect the rich, not arrest them.
Who’s protecting the people he threw out on the street?
They didn’t pay rent, so they got evicted. Then they said, “Screw it, I’m staying anyway, even though it’s not my house.”
But don’t you just–
We let them get away with it, next thing you know, nobody’s paying rent, the economy collapses, and we wake up one morning living in post-apocalyptic ruins eating old cans of dog food.
The point is, poor people need to follow the law. We get paid to enforce it. You can’t wear blue if you don’t get that. [scoffs]
So I’m fired?
I doubt it. It’s almost impossible to get fired from the force. You got to have ten or 12 excessive force complaints before they even open an investigation.
[rock music]
[protestor] What are we gonna do now? Where are we gonna live?
[protester 2] Where do I go?
Let me have two bags. Throw in some works, will you?
[distant siren wailing]
♫ Keep your status quo ♫
♫ Our lives aren’t your show ♫
♫ Gonna be who we are ♫
Where’s that Sharpie?
♫ We break the system ♫
Who was that?
It occurs to me… I’ve made more enemies than friends.
[Liam] Sounds accurate.
Thanks. I got to make one more stop.
I’ll stick with you, if that’s okay.
Sure.
♫ I break the system ♫
♫ I break the system ♫
Want to make dinner together?
No. I want to shower.
[Lip] Hot water’s still out.
Fuck you been doin’ all day, sittin’ around jackin’ off?
[Ian] Ignore him. He’s just bitchy because we rented a place on the West Side.
No, look, it’s his fuckin’ fault we got to move in the first place.
What’s goin’ on?
W-wait. You found an apartment?
Yeah. It’s got a pool and a garden.
You’re moving out already?
Signed the lease and everything.
[clattering]
[Lip] Shit! You pick that up? They’re right there. Jesus Christ. Hand me the pliers, Mickey.
Get it yourself, bitch.
What the fuck’s your problem?
You are my fuckin’ problem. If you weren’t all Mr. Fuckin’ Fix It, I wouldn’t be movin’ to the goddamn West Side.
Pick it up.
Or what?
Get the fuck out of my face.
The fuck are you gonna do?
[Mickey] Motherfucker!
Aah!
Hey, hey!
[Ian] What the fuck?
Hey, hey, stop!
Chill the fuck out!
Hey!
What’s wrong, Mama?
Mama’s really gonna miss her family.
♫ All by myself ♫
♫ Don’t want to be ♫
♫ All by myself ♫
Where have you been?
V, this is gonna sound crazy. But I accidentally got a bartending job.
What? How?
This guy got sick. I’m eatin’ a burger. I don’t know. Right place, right time, I guess. But I made more in tips today than we do at the Alibi in a week!
No.
Yeah! Running your own business is a fool’s game. We should sell the Alibi, move down here, and make bank.
I maybe got offered a job today, too. Working on a campaign for Congress.
Congress? Holy shit, that’s amazing. That’s government, right?
[bright music]
Are we gonna do this?
[sighs] We can’t do this, can we?
♫ I fell in love before I could learn ♫
♫ To love myself, my mental health is getting worse ♫
♫ And she’s gone ♫
♫ I’m a victim of playing it safe ♫
♫ Too little too late ♫
♫ Afraid of the stakes ♫
Pliers?
Thanks.
♫ I’d have waited five ♫
♫ To be rejected ♫
♫ By your smile ♫
I’m sorry.
Tough day?
Got to spend a couple grand on pipes to get the gas turned back on. Had to sell my Indian for about half of what it’s worth. Frank’s stealin’ masterpieces, Debbie hates me, and Tami and Fred are living in her dad’s house, so, um… Yeah, I’ve seen better days. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
Yeah, the last part is true. All the other stuff is just your brain fuckin’ with you. You got a great family. Debbie’s Debbie. You did an amazing job fixing up the Indian. All this “woe is me” shit– that’s the old you. Maybe you need a meeting.
Yeah. Thanks.
Hit my husband again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.
Right.
Have you figured out how we’re gonna get rid of the painting?
I swear I put it in the top bunk.
[Ian] Where the hell could it be?
[Lip] No! Shit!
[Franny humming]
[Lip] Franny–
Look! Stickers! Aren’t they pretty?
[needle buzzing]
[heavy rock music]
[Frank] Don’t look so glum, kid. Everybody dies sooner or later. I’m not ready to check out yet. It was a good life. You know what I’m proudest of?
[Liam] Your kids?
[Frank] Ha ha ha ha! No. That I got to live it my way.
There you go.
♫ I’m a six-foot ♫
[Liam] What do you think?
It’s perfect.
♫ All-American man ♫
♫ Yeah-eah ♫
♫ Ow ♫
[upbeat music]
♫ So I started from the bottom ♫
♫ Now I’m here ♫
♫ And I’ve seen so many places, it’s not clear ♫
♫ I finally had to tell myself ♫
♫ You won’t find love from someone else ♫
♫ I got to keep on movin’ without fear ♫
♫ ‘Cause I’m livin’ the good life ♫
♫ Livin’ it up, livin’ the good life ♫
♫ Livin’ it up, livin’ the good life ♫
♫ Livin’ the good life, livin’ the good life ♫
