Original air date: March 14, 2021
* * *
Oh, hey. Look, I can’t tell you what happened last week on Shameless. I’m dealing with a bit of a plumbing issue.
Fuck! Debbie! Hey, get up here, all right? Franny tried to flush a Care Bear down the toilet again.
[The High Strung The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]
♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
[detainee] You wanna watch me jerk off?
[Lip] Thanks, but fuck no.
Hey, you got any updates on what’s goin’ on?
[cop] When the detectives are ready for you, they’ll let ya know.
All right, could I get a sandwich or somethin’?
Legally don’t gotta provide any food, ’cause legally you’re not under arrest.
All right, so legally, I can just go.
Sure, but you try to leave, they probably will arrest you and bring you right back in.
Is Lip okay?
[Carl] Ah, he’ll be all right.
It’s not his first time getting questioned.
He can handle an interrogation.
You can’t just use your cop “get outta jail free” card?
When I get in, I’m gonna try to grease the wheels of justice.
Do we have any triple-A batteries?
That’s a big hole.
Coulda just said he wanted to renovate.
Your brother’s a fuckin’ drama queen, man.
Hey, scarf that shit down. I wanna go check on Terry.
We have a lotta pick-ups today. I don’t know if we have time.
We would if you stopped yappin’ and started eatin’.
[Liam] You guys remember I have a thing after school, right?
[Ian] Yeah, of course.
[Carl] Wouldn’t miss it, buddy.
What thing? Don’t ya want your dad there, cheerin’ you on?
Well, what is it, anyway?
A contest to pick a new name for my school.
The winner gets a free iPad.
Why does your school need a new name?
‘Cause it’s named after Dennis Hastert.
Fuck is Dennis Hastert?
Former speaker of the House of Representative.
And a child molester.
Canceled? You can’t cancel history. It’s already happened. Political correctness is gonna kill this country.
He diddled kids.
Uh, beside the point.
We can’t be applying today’s sexual standards to…molesters of yesteryear.
Molesting used to be okay?
[Frank] Dennis Hastert brought a lotta federal dollars to Illinois.
I don’t think I can just stand by while the PC police erase his legacy.
This is the hill you wanna die on, Frank?
Defending a pedo?
[Frank] Defending tradition, defending our shared history? Yeah.
I’ll die on this hill.
This is a hill we all should die on together.
[Mickey] Come on. Hey, let’s go.
I wanna make sure they’re takin’ care of fuckin’ Terry over there.
That one has an Uber coming for him in ten, and that one isn’t my problem.
[Ian] Where’s Debbie?
Since when am I in charge of keeping track of Debbie?
Aren’t you in, like, a committed lesbian scissoring thing?
You mean a relationship?
I don’t know. We never defined it.
But, uh, since she didn’t come home last night, I guess not.
What are supposed to do with Franny?
We gotta get to work.
She’s not my fucking problem.
None of this shit is, your sister included.
[Carl] Okay, come on, Franny.
I will drop you off at school on my way to work.
Okay, hey, uh, let me know when you find out about Lip, all right?
Uh, what’s that guy doing?
This goddamn thing doesn’t work!
[Kev] All right, my love, I let ya sleep in. I even turned a blind eye when you moved from the bed to the couch and slept some more.
But now it’s time to carpet denim.
It’s Latin for wake up!
Oh, I just wanna sleep. Please.
You wanna talk about it?
My mama’s moving. She’s abandoning us.
What’s there to talk about?
Oh, we can go visit for holidays and stuff.
Who doesn’t wanna spend Christmas in Kentucky?
V, if you don’t get up, we’re gonna be late opening the Alibi.
What about the girls?
We gotta get them ready– you don’t want me doing their hair, do you?
V, you’re the one who always says that a white woman can take her daughter to school lookin’ any old way, but if a Black woman does it, people start to question whether she’s a fit mother–
Is there anything I can do to get you up?
[small laugh] I’m up.
[Veronica] I’m goin’ back upstairs and gettin’ into bed.
You keep botherin’ me, I’ma stab your ass.
[muffled toilet flushing]
[Calista] How’d you sleep?
[Debbie] Not great.
Seriously, who the fuck do they think they are?
I’m sorry, I don’t know who we’re talking about.
My family. Sandy, her… fucking husband, and her secret child.
Thanks for letting me crash, by the way.
Feel bad I put you outta your bed.
Couch is pretty comfortable.
I mean, we could have shared.
Under normal circumstances, I would have loved that. But I can tell you’re pretty emotional, and I didn’t wanna take advantage.
You got plans today?
[beads clatter] But… I’m the boss. You wanna come?
See, I was at home with my lady and my kid. All right? She’ll vouch for me. The kid, he can’t talk yet, but if he could, he’d say Daddy was home all night.
[Jones] We have your juvenile arrest records, okay?
So you can drop the choir boy act.
No, you see, tha-that’s the old me, all right? I’m reformed now. I’m sober, even. You know, I’m not sayin’ I’m a saint but, uh, I’m a family man, makin’ an honest living.
Okay, asshole, we know that you were involved with the robbery, so you can either cooperate, or we can make you cooperate.
All right, first of all, if you knew I was involved in the robbery, I’d be in cuffs right now, and second of all, I am cooperating. What am I doing if I’m not cooperating?
Look, make it easy on yourself. Tell us where the bikes are, who helped you, and maybe we can recommend you avoid doin’ real time.
Hey, can I go? [sniffs]
[Lip clears his throat]
Oh, motherfucker, when’s the last time that got changed?
Fuck do I know? I can’t see it.
You can smell it, though.
We don’t have time for this.
We’re behind schedule, and we have to wrap up early for Liam’s thing. Mickey–
What the fuck are you– Hey, get–
[Ian] Come on, man.
Aah. What the hell, Mick?
Terry duty, asshole. Get up!
Naw, no way, man. I took care of him on Tuesday.
It’s not my turn–
Empty his shit bag, or I empty your skull– your choice.
Uh, hey, could you look up something related to a recent arrest for me?
Sure. What’s the name of the perp?
Rookie, are you really asking me to break every protocol in the book so you can potentially interfere with an ongoing investigation involving one of your family members?
I’m fuckin’ with you. [laughs] I misuse this system all the time. One of the perks of the job.
Hmm. No arrest yet, but they are seeking a warrant for his house. Just waitin’ on a judge’s signature.
Ah, ma’am. Do you know who my new training officer’s gonna be?
[Stamps] Training officer? That’s not gonna happen. No one wants to work with you on account of the Carl Curse.
The Carl Curse. Everyone who trained you ends up injured. You ever heard of a lucky rabbit’s foot?
You’re the opposite of that. Now, not all bad news. I got you a new assignment.
What is it?
They just walked in.
Take off that uni and meet us outside.
You’re with Vice now.
[Carl] Hell, yeah!
God, how cool are they?
[Kev] Oh, shit.
[Amy] Bad word!
I’m sorry, girls–I just got an email from the Man.
What do you think– taxes, jury duty?
Unpaid parking tickets?
Maybe it’s a pizza party.
[Kev] Life lesson.
Emails from the government are never awesome.
They always suck.
[Amy] Is it a pizza party?
A surprise for Mommy.
[mellow funk music]
Tami, hey, it’s Lip.
We got a big fuckin’ problem, all right?
Carl just told me that, um…
[cop] Can you believe it?
Uh…you know what? Never mind.
I’ll just, uh… I’ll see ya at home.
All right? Bye.
[Calista] We’re just goin’ to my bar.
You can wear what you already have on.
I wore this yesterday.
If you don’t like anything I have…
No! It’s not that, I just– I don’t know.
I wanna dress up a little.
Always makes me feel better, which could definitely help right now, considering my mood borders on… homicidal rage.
You wanna talk about it?
[Debbie] What’s to talk about?
My life might be a dumpster fire, but it doesn’t mean I can’t look good.
Hey, what’s this?
It’s my ex, Haley’s, old stuff.
Can I borrow some of it?
These are yours?
Sure does look like it. Get in.
Can I drive?
Hey, can you at least tell me what we’re doin’?
Dah dah dah
Dah dah dah
Dah dah dah
Hey, you’re up.
Headed to my mom’s.
I’m gonna help her pack.
Oh. You feelin’ better about her movin’?
Uh, no. I’m gonna go steal the keys to her U-Haul.
But I decided to be a supportive daughter instead.
Gonna approach her leaving with a positive attitude.
[Veronica] Yes, asshole.
Positive, mature. A ray of fucking sunshine.
Why shouldn’t I be?
My mom’s moving halfway across the world.
Kentucky’s not that far.
Well, I was hoping we could spend the afternoon together.
I have the rest of my miserable life to spend with you.
My mom leaves in two days.
What time ya comin’ back?
When I feel like it!
Askin’ so many damn questions.
But why now? He touched those boys decades ago. Doesn’t cancel culture have a statute of limitations?
Mr. Gallagher, Dennis Hastert no longer reflects our values.
[Frank] The hell he doesn’t!
He was speaker of the House, third in line for the presidency.
He was a wrestling coach!
How else are wrestling coaches supposed to demonstrate holds if they don’t… grope some boys?
Please keep your voice down.
[Liam] Can I go to class?
[Frank] And… w-why are you leaving it to the kids? Kids are stupid.
The school board wanted the children to feel ownership and pride in the new name.
That’s why the contest has been limited to current students and alumni.
I’m an alumnus!
[sighs] You are?
[Frank] Hell, yes! Back when it was still J. Edgar Hoover. Go, Feds.
No, fuck you! F–
Tough talk on the other end of a phone, bitch.
No, no, no, no–Michigan, fuckin’ China.
It doesn’t matter where you hide out.
I am gonna hunt you down.
I’m gonna empty Terry’s shit bag in your fuckin’ mouth, you piece of shit!
[Ian] Cousin Joey?
Dickhead just decided to run off.
Hidin’ out with one of his scumbag friends in Michigan, all so he can avoid taking care of Terry.
Fuckin’ believe that?
[Ian] I mean, it is Terry.
Obviously, we can’t rely on family for this.
We’re gonna have to hire someone to do it.
Like with money?
Yeah, get one of those house nurses or whatever.
[Ian] You wanna hire a nurse?
I thought we were saving up for our own place.
Well, shit shifted.
[Ian] Shit shifted to Terry.
I have to worry about you? The whole loyalty department?
Yeah, when I’m too old to wipe my own ass, you’re gonna be over there counting fuckin’ pennies, decidin’ whether or not you can take care of me?
Fine. We’ll find a fucking nurse.
[Ian, under breath] Wipe your ass.
[funky background music]
Ah. I’ll go for another.
Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere.
Anyone at home wondering where you might be all day?
Trust me, they don’t give a shit.
[Calista] Hey, guys.
Uh, sit anywhere you like. I’ll be right with you.
You boys celebrating something?
Uh…we’re taking an extended and hopefully very boozy lunch break so we can commemorate the day this ugly bastard was born.
That’s so nice.
How ’bout some shots on the house?
On the house? No.
I can do Happy Hour price in honor of the birthday boy.
Will you two do a shot with us?
I’m on the clock.
Pour ’em up.
Yo, we gotta clear out the boxes!
[pounding on door]
[Jones] Police. Open up!
All right, all right, all right!
[Jones] Philip Gallagher, we have a warrant to search the premises.
Yeah, well, come on in.
[Pitts] You know, if I was a lifetime criminal motorcycle mechanic who just stole a shitload of motorcycles, I might just be dumb enough to keep them in the most obvious place.
Where’s your garage?
Well, shit, look, sorry, no stolen bikes, but, uh, you’re welcome to take one of those Christmas tree stands.
I don’t know how we ended up with two.
[light guitar music]
Keep these, right?
Oh, no. Give away pile.
What? I love these.
It’s not Christmas without these plates.
Girl, they have been in that box since 2007, which, coincidentally, is the last time that we had dinner at my house.
What am I gonna do with a Santa table setting for 12 in Louisville, huh?
You are literally throwin’ away everything. What’s the point?
We should just back a garbage truck in here and shovel everything in it.
Yeah, that’s not a bad idea.
Ma… this is my entire childhood, all of our memories.
Throw away the damn plates, V!
Thought helping you, hangin’ out might be fun, but this shit is awful.
I thought we would talk!
Had you asked instead of just inviting yourself over, I would’ve told you that I’m too busy to hang out and talk.
Oh, shit…I gotta get over to my storage unit.
I’ll go with.
Uh, no, thanks.
Because I’ve had enough of your company today. Look, I’m excited about Louisville, and you killin’ my vibe. I’m not dyin’. I’m just movin’. So what? Get over it.
[Pablo] If it isn’t my favorite vice detectives.
Man, you know I had to bring you some dogs from downtown for later– extra relish, extra celery sauce.
You gentlemen are heroes.
I can never make it all the way downtown to get these.
How’re these fine machines treatin’ ya?
Uh, she rides just a little rough, but tell me what the story is on that Viper over there.
[Pablo] I need a few days before I can let ya take that one.
[Young] What’s wrong with it?
Belonged to a parks commissioner accused of embezzling city funds.
Blew his brains out in the front seat.
Still a mess on the dashboard.
[Carl] Yo, wait.
So you guys just come here and take whatever you want?
[Hightower] As long as it helps aid an ongoin’ investigation.
Or if we think it looks cool. Ya got anything new?
Glad you asked. I been able to squirrel away a few things for you gents.
Act now, before it’s logged as evidence.
Take what you want
You gotta take what you want
Give it all you got
Hey, barkeep! Another.
Take what you want…
Let’s make these your last.
What? The day’s young!
I have some coke, if you’re interested.
[Pitts] All clear.
[Lip] Hey. Hey, buddy.
Uh, what’s goin’ on?
[Lip] They think I robbed Born Free.
What? Ha. Wait–you?
Yeah. Checked the whole house.
But came up empty-handed, ’cause… I didn’t do it.
[Tami] Go ahead.
Hey, and, uh, good luck, you know, finding the real criminals, guys.
Lip, we need to talk, okay?
You cannot just–
Shh, shh, shh.
[car engine starts]
You moved all the boxes outta the garage?
Well, they didn’t move themselves.
Where’d you put ’em?
[Tami] Uh, in my dad’s basement.
[Tami] Lip. Y-you can’t put our family in danger like this. You have Fred to think about. You have me to think about. We can’t have the cops just showing up at our house and… hello! Are you even listening to a word that I’m saying?
Kay, why are you staring at me like that?
Sorry, sorry. It’s just, um… uh, I-I guess this whole Gallagher thing is finally rubbin’ off on ya. I didn’t know you had it in you.
[Tami] Well… yeah, I… I didn’t know I had it in me either. You know, Carl called, told me about the warrant, and I just… I just acted. It was like something clicked in my brain, and I just went on autopilot. Does this make me an accomplice?
Accessory after the fact.
Oh. It’s kinda hot.
[Lip] Yeah, it is.
[Tami] I thought being a criminal would be exciting, but I didn’t know that it would be… sexually exciting.
What about Fred?
[Tami] He’s out like a light. [whispers] We’ll be quiet.
[Lip] You? I doubt it.
I’ll just bite your shoulder when I get the urge to scream.
I don’t need a fuckin’ nurse.
[Mickey] You can’t walk, Terry. You can’t feed yourself. You can’t bathe yourself. You shit in a bag. Stop me when any of this sounds like someone who doesn’t need a fuckin’ nurse.
Then just take me to the park. Leave me there and let me die in peace.
Oh, see, viable option. Even Terry thinks so.
Hi, I’m Jasmine.
You must be…
Come on in.
Mickey, Terry, this is Jasmine, Terry’s in-home health aide.
You got me a n–
[Mickey, cheerfully] Nah–
Nice lady to watch you while we head to work.
Yeah. You fuck this up, I’ma cut your dick off.
I wouldn’t feel it anyway.
[Jasmine] Don’t you all worry.
I’m gonna take good care of Dad here.
Thanks. I know dealin’ with Terry is a pain in the ass.
Fuckin’ expensive, but now I don’t have to worry about anything. I can focus on work–
Just forgot something in my car.
She’s probably comin’ right back.
Gallagher, look alive.
All right, look, I want you to make a buy off this guy, all right?
Quarter bag. Ask for it “dusty.”
All right. But I don’t have any money.
Here. All right?
[Young] Hurry up.
Look both ways before you cross the street.
[car horn honks]
I’m putting bodies on the board
Like you’ve never seen before…
[Carl] Hey, man, I need a cop.
Loud or reggie?
Reggie. Quarter. Make it dusty.
Nah nah nah nah nah
So when you’re in my sights
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah-nah-nah…
Freeze, fucker! You’re under arrest. Turn around.
You’re a cop?
Hands on your head. Face the wall!
[Young] What the fuck are you doing, kid?
Making the arrest like you said to.
No, stupid asshole! We told you to make a buy.
No one said anything about making an arrest.
Apologize to this guy.
[Young] Keep the drugs, Gallagher.
Let’s get outta here, man.
Come on! Pulling guns out and shit!
Oh, God, coke is fantastic.
I know, right? [sniffs]
Yeah. I can see why people become junkies and run away from their responsibilities.
You know, for me, when it comes to drugs versus, like, a job…pffft.
What kinda jobs have you had?
Ah! Let’s see, uh, I was a nurse.
I was an elementary school teacher.
That was fun. Ha ha.
Uh, and now, the, uh, assistant manager at the illustrious Mailbox Unlimited Copy and Shipping Center.
Is coke supposed to make you horny?
‘Cause I feel like I need to… hump that box right there.
[Jared clears throat]
Well, I haven’t…been with a girl since high school.
It’s like riding a bike.
Baby, don’t you cry
It’s time for us to say goodbye
[Tommy] So all I gotta do is put these decorations up, and I get free beer for a week?
[Kev] Ha. Nice try. Two days.
I don’t know, man. There’s a lotta stuff in here.
Week seems reasonable.
All right, fine.
You know what? I’ll just ask Kermit.
He’ll probably do it for free.
I accept your lowball offer.
How are you? You doin’ good?
Feelin’ better that you saw your mom?
No. She had to get something from storage, so might as well work.
Okay, well, how ’bout we get outta here, do something to cheer you up?
No, thanks. Here to work.
[Kermit] How ’bout Ron Popeil?
Ronco HQ was right down the street.
[Frank] That’s a great idea.
Hugh Hefner Middle School, huh?
Think about it.
Mike Ditka Middle School. Contest over.
What are you fools talkin’ about?
Frank’s trying to name his old junior high.
Why does it need a new name?
It doesn’t. That’s the point.
It was fine the way it was.
Nevertheless, I need a surefire winner so it doesn’t get coopted by a bunch of politically correct millennial activists.
Last thing I need is my son attending Tofu Middle School of Multicultural Granola Studies.
What’s it called now?
Dennis Hastert Middle School.
The child molester?
Former Speaker of the House.
Why are you guys worried about trying to protect some meaningless, symbolic name anyway?
How ’bout you try to protect the real Chicago, the real South Side, the people and institutions who make this town great?
If you hadn’t noticed, they’re being shut down every day.
Because this renaming trend is bullshit.
It’s just another way for society to erase the hard work of white guys.
Because at some point, and who knows why, being a white guy suddenly became uncool.
Or maybe white guys are finally being held accountable for all of the horrible stuff they’ve done, like child molestation, for example.
And you, in particular, don’t have to worry about when white men became uncool, ’cause as far as I can tell, you’ve always been… whatever this is.
Ha ha ha.
[Frank] Ho ho ho!
And, Frank, why waste your time?
Liam’s gonna be outta that school and on to a high school with an equally problematic name in no time.
[Frank] They’re trying to erase the history of white men who built this great country.
How far back are we going with this revisionist history crusade?
Do we have to reexamine Adam at the Garden of Eden?
You think Adam was white?
Ha ha ha.
The point is, I went to that school. Best years of my life in those halls, in those classrooms. Year I played baseball, we had a bully on the team. Johnny Wisneiwski. A big, fat bruiser. He could hit a ball… almost a mile. If you made an error in the game, Johnny was sure to use the wet end of his towel to rattail your genitals in the shower to remind you of how useless you were. Everybody was scared to death of big, fat Johnny Wisneiwski. Well, one day, he thwacked my naked wet ass with that towel, and I blew up. I pantsed him. What do you think we saw? His dick. I’m guessing you saw his dick. Not just any dick. The tiniest little button of a pink dick you’ve ever laid your eyes on. And Johnny Wisneiwski’s reign of terror ended that very day, thanks to yours truly. I was king after that. And all my kids went there. There are Gallagher memories embedded in every inch of that school.
Should probably be called–
It should definitely be called Gallagher Middle School.
Gallagher Middle School.
Outstan– Gallagher Middle School!
Jesus! Of course!
Whadda ya say we do this: we go pick up the girls, we stop for expensive froyo with all the fancy toppings, huh?
How many times I have to tell you I’m not in the mood?
I know, but I think today could be really special if we let it be. It would make me happy, and I’m pretty sure it could make you happy too.
Please. For me.
The love of your life.
[small laugh] [softly] Fuckin’ froyo.
[both sigh, chuckle]
Hey, I’m gonna take a shower.
And while I’m in there…
Think up our next caper.
[Lip] You a Batman villain?
Uh, more like Bonnie.
You know, Bonnie and Clyde?
Yeah. Think I mighta heard of them.
[Tami] Something where we almost get caught but then we get away with it.
[Lip] We could… pull a bank robbery.
Or a jewel heist.
I would consider murder for hire.
Hey, uh, gotta go to this thing Liam’s doing at his school later.
[Lip] Wanna come?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose I can pretend to be a law-abiding citizen for the night.
Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
He was crying? About what?
They want Brad to come in for questioning? When?
[Lip] No, no, he’s gonna crack.
He’s on his way to the station now?
Uh, when did he leave?
[Lip] Shit, shit! Fuck!
This lady should work.
Terry doesn’t have a problem with Asian people, does he?
I mean, I don’t know.
He likes a lot of Chinese food and Bruce Lee movies.
Found his porn stash once when we were kids.
Had a pretty decent amount of Asian chicks in it.
Then we got nothin’ to worry about.
We should just get goin’.
All right, the agency said this one’s tough?
Yeah. Said she’s one of those Vietnamese boat people.
Doesn’t get much tougher than that.
[speaking dialect of Vietnamese]
Maybe I should ask the agency
for somebody white this time, huh?
[Carl] This place is legal.
[Hightower] Yeah, it is.
So then why you want me to buy from them, then?
[Young] Listen, this detail is a golden elevator.
It’ll take you right to the top, wherever you wanna go.
What’re you thinking?
[Carl] Oh, shit.
Grenades? Assault rifles?
I love SWAT.
That’s only gonna happen if we give you a good recommendation, and we’re only gonna do that if you do what we say, no questions.
You wanna ride that golden elevator, don’t you?
Yes, sir, I do.
Go make the buy.
Uh, sirs, quick question. Why me?
You know, like, out of all the rookies in the city, why pick me?
While your personal assessment indicates that you might ask a lotta fuckin’ questions, you’re likely to accept anything we tell you is true.
[Calista] Hey, have you guys seen my friend Debbie?
Redhead, had a little too much to drink?
Look at me, one, two
Three, one, two, three
Jared? What the fuck?
Who is that?
Ah ah ah ah ah…
[Calista] Debbie, wait. Come inside.
Let’s talk. Debbie!
[Terry] Where’d your butt buddy go?
To pick up your next victim.
I don’t need no nurse.
Well, maybe if you weren’t such a ragin’ asshole, your family’d take care of you, and we wouldn’t have to pay someone to be nice to ya.
That tastes like dog food!
I will feed you dog food for real.
Oh, no, no–
You woulda probably made a half-decent son if it wasn’t for that whole fudge packer thing.
Well, you probably woulda made a half-decent dad if it weren’t for the whole… racist, homophobic, beatin’ the shit outta me thing.
Have a good one.
Good work, kid.
Oh, wait–there’s a lotta street weed in there.
You contaminated the evidence now.
You’re mixing it up!
Your eyes is playin’ tricks on you, kid.
[Carl] You’re literally doing it on purpose.
Why? Oh, come on.
I deserve to know what I’m involved in.
The weed you bought on the street was laced with angel dust.
Now the dispensary weed is too.
So now we can file criminal charges against the dispensary.
Because the legal weed is cutting into our bottom line.
If legal dispensaries put all the street dealers outta work, what’s left for us, huh?
You know how much we make off of kickback in bribes from street dealers?
But isn’t that wrong?
[Young] Paid for my boat.
It paid for my second mistress’s first Brazilian butt lift.
[Young] We frame legal shops, we shut ’em down, we get more illegal weed back on the street.
More illegal weed equals more dealers, more dealers equals more cash in our pockets.
So, really, it’s up to you, Gallagher.
You want some kickbacks?
[Youngblood] Or you wanna spend the rest of your career bustin’ your hump, poundin’ a beat?
Fine. Let me help.
Good. So how many more dispensaries do we gotta put outta business today?
Uh looks like five.
Next up is Dank Dorm, then New Leaf Collective, Heavy Fog, New Heights, and last but not least, The Alibi Room.
[Youngblood] All right, let’s get it.
[Lip] Brad’s not pickin’ up.
Well, this is the station closest to his house, so if he’s going anywhere, it’s here.
Think he can hold up under an interrogation?
Wait. There he is. Okay.
All right, do what you gotta do to keep him quiet.
[Lip] Hey, man.
Brad. Brad! H–
[Brad] Ah! Let me go!
Get off me! I’m gonna confess!
[Lip] Shh, shh!
Let me go! It’s the only way!
Shut the fuck up, all right?
Talk to us. We only wanna talk, all right?
Go, go, go!
Just in here.
Terry, this is Sister Mary Luke.
[Mary Luke] Oh, just Mary Luke is fine.
My days in a habit are long gone.
You must be Terry.
I should warn you, he’s been a handful today.
You idiots got me a fuckin’ nun?
Watch your language in the presence of ladies.
Jesus Christ, lady!
[Mary Luke] And we’ll not take the Lord’s name in vain.
Before the diocese shut my convent down, I was tending to the elderly sisters.
Sister Cecilia had dementia and a colorful vocabulary.
I found that a-a swift smack usually fixed her behavior.
Yeah, that works for me.
There he is!
I have an exciting offer for you.
I’d like to give you a chance to abandon your lame entry into the name change contest and join forces with me.
Why would I do that?
Because I’m gonna win.
The Francis Gallagher and Children Middle School.
Thanks, but no thanks. I really want that iPad.
I don’t give a damn about the iPa– well, I mean, if we won, we’d pawn it, and I’d take a cut, but that’s not the point.
We have to preserve the-the Gallagher legacy.
We’d never be forgotten. We’d be immortal.
Yeah, I’m good, man.
I’m-I’m not gonna make this offer again.
Well, suit yourself.
I have to hit the head.
No TP in there.
You know, I-I wanna– I wanted to talk to you about somethin’.
I think we should team up on the name change contest.
Now, b-before you say no, I should tell you what my idea is.
The Francis Gallagher and Children Middle School.
You literally just told me this 30 seconds ago.
What’d you say?
[Frank] No toilet paper in here.
No way, dude–Veronica’ll put my nuts in a table vice.
Yeah, well, if you don’t get rid of their weed, she’ll be in jail.
[Tommy] Okay, I’ll tell them if I see them, but there’s no way I’m touching their product without talking to them first.
[Carl] Hey, what was that last place we were supposed to hit today?
The A-Alibi Room?
I think that’s it, right?
Well, if it’s the place I’m thinkin’ of, it’s really not worth bustin’– low-rent, mom/pop spot, couple of stale weed brownies, nickel bags– we shouldn’t waste our time.
The list is the list.
We got three more after lunch, and then it’s on to– what’d you call it?
The Alibi Room.
What? For how long?
I had no idea.
Someone else was supposed to pick her up– m-my girlfriend.
Well, I-I’m so sorry, but I can promise you that I would never abandon my daughter at school. I was at work, I–
When you’re a single working mother trying to provide for a kid, things like this happen.
Mommy’s on her way, honey.
I know. Mommy misses you too, honey.
I’ll be right there.
[passerby] Hey, baby, I got something that’ll put a smile on your face…right here.
You know what? Actually, I would love that.
You just checked your messages, like, two minutes ago.
And shouldn’t you be keeping a look out in case someone tries to, like, rob us or somethin’?
You think she knows how to insert the little piss tube thing–
The catheter, yes.
Maybe I should just give her a call, make sure everything’s okay.
We’re finally getting work done.
Can we please just concentrate for a couple more hours?
Maybe we should swing by after the next stop, you know, make sure she’s okay.
[Young] And another one bites the dust.
[Hightower] Yes, one more down, and it is Miller time!
Alibi Room–let’s finish it off strong, boys.
[Young] Hop in, kid. Time’s a-wastin’.
Uh, hey, can I drive?
Come on, you guys’ve been driving all day.
Polishing your aviators, workin’ on your tan, while I’ve been doin’ all the work.
I’ve never driven a Ferrari before.
I wanna feel some Italian horsepower.
This might be my only chance.
All right, son.
Let’s see what you got.
[Hightower] Long as it ain’t mine.
But w-we gotta turn– turn ourselves in.
No, no. If the cops thought you knew anything, they would’ve come, and they would’ve picked you up.
Th-they called me to come down for questioning, Lip.
They don’t know shit.
[Brad] I wanna come clean, okay?
Ma-make some kinda deal and return all the stuff.
[Lip] You wanna make a deal?
You’re gonna fuck both of us, okay?
There’s no way that they’re gonna believe that you stole all that shit by yourself.
Well, I-I won’t give up you or Mickey!
Uh, Lip, help me make a bottle for Fred in the kitchen.
[Tami] He is not gonna last five minutes with the cops.
You need to do something.
Do something? Like what?
Get rid of the evidence, for starters!
I haven’t found a place to sell the parts yet.
Okay, let’s just wait for the ideal buyer while the cops close in!
Cops aren’t closing in.
[Tami] They will be!
Okay? As soon as they get Brad in a room at the station and he starts crying and confessing…
I don’t know, maybe we should just… take care of him.
Take–meaning what, exactly?
Meaning… take care of him.
Wow, this whole, uh, life of crime thing for you is gettin’ a little bit outta hand, don’t ya think, Capone?
No! No, because he is gonna get everyone busted.
I am involved now, okay?
Who is gonna raise Fred if we both end up in jail?
Okay, yeah, he does seem a little bit fragile.
Oh, yeah, no shit!
We can’t let him out of our sight.
I need to take a rain check on family bar night.
No, no, no, no. You love family bar night.
Cartoons on the TV…
[Amy] I love cartoons.
[Gemma] I love pizza.
All the soda the girls can drink–come on, V.
I appreciate your trying to cheer me up, but I just wanna go home and take a nap.
You can close up by yourself, right?
Come on, girls.
No, wait, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you go.
[Carol] Sorry I’m late!
I-is that your wedding dress?
I just pulled it out of storage…for you.
What’s goin’ on?
It’s not family bar night.
It was never family bar night.
You remember how we wanted to get married at City Hall, but they cancelled everything ’cause of the shutdown?
Well, they’re clearing their backlog.
They’re doing weddings on Zoom.
[upbeat bluesy music]
How many years…
We’re gettin’ married?
Seem to blind me
Yeah. Don’t I seem good?
You’re drivin’ like my grandma.
Thought you wanted to feel some Italian horsepower.
I’m just being cautious.
[laughs] There’s cautious, and then there’s whatever this is.
Giddy up, kid.
That a boy.
All right, that’s enough.
That’s enough, kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down! Slow the fuck down!
I don’t know what’s going on. It’s outta control!
Brake, brake, brake!
Oh…what the fuck?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Piece of shit!
[Hightower] Man, what the hell?
[Young] You fuck!
[Hightower] I told you don’t let Billie Eilish drive the car!
Mommy’ll be right up, baby.
[Sandy] Rough day?
I didn’t expect you to be here.
[Sandy] No, I wasn’t. I left.
But then I came back, because I thought I should tell you to your face how big of a bitch you are.
[sighs] Mission accomplished.
You know, we both said some things we shouldn’t have.
But I’m open to talking it out.
What do you mean?
I don’t think I could be with a person like you, Sandy.
A person like me. Wow.
You left your kid.
So what did you do last night and then again all day today?
Is that not the same, or–
I blew off some steam for less than a day.
And it sucked, and now I’m back.
With my kid.
Can you say the same about you and Prince?
No, that is not fair. I told you why I left Prince.
I was 15 years old.
Oh, my God.
I’ve heard all of your excuses, Sandy, and they sound great coming out of your mouth.
But at the end of the day, you walked out on somebody that needed you.
I’ve got my entire family trying to leave me.
I don’t need to be worried about you too.
[whispers] You fucking…
You should see the scene out there.
Some idiot drove his Ferrari into a parked car.
What, she’s not ready yet? We’re gonna miss our time slot.
[mellow pop playing]
Is this dress too much?
What’s wrong with my dress?
Are we really doing this?
I think so.
[Carol] Dominic! No, honey, look, that is for after they get married.
Kay? Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I think they’re ready for y’all.
Yes, sir, I’m ready.
I’m gonna beat your little ass–sit down!
We’ll just check in on him real quick, and then we got to get to Liam’s school.
We’re already late.
In and out, all right?
[Ian] Where’s Terry?
Your father… he’s an evil man.
No shit. What’re you doin’ out here?
I had to handle him the same way I handled Sister Cecilia.
Yeah, the slap to the back of the head thing, right?
[Mary Luke] No.
What? Like drugs?
Fuckin’ loves those.
[Mary Luke] No.
A return to sit at the feet of our Lord and Savior in death.
Sorry, did you just say death?
Okay, we’ll now take a minute to consider the suggestion of Mahatma Gandhi Academy of Peace.
[Carl] What’s up, buddy?
Where is everybody?
[scoffs] Fuck ’em. What’d I miss?
[Liam] They already rejected Martin Luther King Middle School because MLK was a womanizer.
Then they rejected Barack Obama because of his “use of drones in the Middle East.”
They even said no to Michael Jordan.
Whoa, the GOAT?
His gambling sets a bad example.
[Carl] Tough crowd.
Hey, why’s Frank sittin’ over there?
Said if I’m not with him, I’m against him.
I guess we’re enemies.
[Lily] Unfortunately, I don’t think we can further consider Mahatma Gandhi Academy of Peace.
We’ve been made aware of some problematic century-old comments Mr. Gandhi made about Black Africans.
Up next to propose a new name, Francis Gallagher, class of 1968.
Uh…thank you, madam…president.
Thank you. What I’d like to, uh, to talk about today… [clears throat] …is, um… Obviously, I’m here to address, uh, t-the–uh… I would like to address, uh, the… Uh…gimme a second. It’ll come to me. [chuckling] I can’t seem to remember what I had to say. Um, I don’t think… Memory’s funny, isn’t it? It’s like… sand through your fingers. Sometimes you can grab it, and sometimes… That damn fragile thing, it’s… all that’ll be left of us. All of us, at some point… Just a memory. And let me tell ya, if you haven’t made a mark, now, while you’re kickin’… you don’t even get that. Uh… uh…
Johnny? Johnny Wisneiwski?
Why don’t you show everybody your little baby dick?
I-I know the rest of the team would really get a kick outta that, huh?
I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll go first.
Okay? Come on, Johnny.
[Lily] Mr. Gallagher–
[Carl] Hey, hey, back up!
That’s my dad, asshole! CPD!
[Ian] What’d Frank do this time?
He really lost it today.
Stripped naked at Liam’s school in front of a bunch of kids.
Only thing I could do to prevent him from going to jail was badging everyone there, taking him to the ER.
[Debbie] He’s still getting evaluated.
Debs, you okay?
I’ve had a day.
[Ian] I guess that makes all of us.
A nun killed Mickey’s dad.
[Ian] As a doornail.
[Debbie] Damn! A nun?
God really does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t she?
Hey, sorry I missed your thing.
Terry’s dying kinda threw a wrench in our schedule.
How’d it go?
I think I did all right.
[Lip] What name did ya end up pitching?
Well, when I realized they had a problem with every famous person’s name that anybody suggested, I just thought I’ll play it safe, so from now on, it’s just gonna be called The Middle School.
Nice one, man.
What’s going on?
Locked in the car.
Handcuffed to the door. He’s calmed down, but he is a ticking bomb. We gotta do something before he goes to the cops.
[doctor] Okay, so all of Mr. Gallagher’s behavior can be explained by his previous diagnosis.
We didn’t find evidence of anything new.
[Lip] Sorry, his-his previous diagnosis?
Well, we treated Mr. Gallagher three weeks ago, did a neurological assessment, and arrived at a diagnosis of alcoholic dementia.
I’m…sorry. I thought he would have told you by now.
I’m sure I mentioned it.
[Ian] No. You didn’t.
I’m sorry. What is alcoholic dementia?
Basically, he pickled his brain with decades of drinking, and now his mind is calling it quits.
It involves significant impairments of memory and other cognitive functions.
Were you aware that your father is an alcoholic?
[Lip] There’s been some evidence of that, yeah.
Some days will be good, and some will be bad.
It won’t be a linear progression.
You have to be prepared to go along for the ride.
And try not to contradict him.
That leads to confusion and anger.
What are we doin’ in the hospital?
One of you have another kid?
No, you-you’ve got dementia.
From bein’ a drunk, Frank.