Family Guy – S22E15 – Faith No More | Transcript

Brian's romantic interest in someone inspires him to use Stewie's time machine and their journey results in strange consequences.
Family Guy - S22E15 - Faith No More

Original air date: April 17, 2024

At the vet, Brian has a new tracking chip implanted and quickly falls for Emma, the nurse responsible. Despite the aspects of her life that cater to his dog instincts, Brian is turned off by the fact that Emma is an Evangelical Christian. While on a date at a Christian rock concert, Brian snaps after she refuses to have sex with him out of wedlock, and wishes that Christianity never existed. He decides to borrow Stewie’s time machine, with Stewie tagging along after tracking his new chip, altering the past so that Jesus Christ becomes a stand-up comic as opposed to a messiah. This creates an alternate present in which Judaism is the world’s dominant religion, which Brian is okay with until he learns about what the Shabbat entails. Stewie time travels to prevent Judaism from existing as well, resulting in a completely religion-free reality, although God, who is now a mailman, beats them up for their actions. Brian defends this new reality, only for he and Stewie to get beaten some more and forced to sing hymns at church after undoing their actions.

* * *

So, Brian’s checkup went very well. He only bit me eight times while I tried to brush his teeth.

Wonderful. And does he have the red, hairless undercarriage of an older dog?

He sure does. He’s the Jason Alexander of hairless scroti. And you know, if you’re interested, we’re doing a 50% off promotion on our new, state-of-the-art tracking chip. It connects to an app that will monitor Brian’s vitals and even has a Bluetooth speaker so you can play songs through him.

Awesome! I’m gonna blast Ed Sheeran right through his stomach. That’ll really showcase my milquetoast personality and lack of masculine vigor.

Great. I’ll introduce you to our nurse who handles the procedure.

Hi, I’m Emma. And don’t worry, I’m wearing scrubs that hide my tattoos to give you confidence.

Terrific. And now, like in every hospital situation, I’ll depart and a woman will do the actual work.

Okay, we’re almost done. And you’re all set.

[music playing faintly]

[Peter] Yeah! Playin’ Ed Sheeran through my dog! I’m like a cool dentist!

Wow, I barely felt that. You’re very gentle.

[chuckles] Thanks. I love animals. It’s why I do this. I even pride myself on being able to find every dog’s spot, right behind the ears.

Well, maybe you can find mine sometime. I’d be tempted to ask you to coffee, but I’m sure a girl like you is already seeing someone.

I wish. Guys don’t want a girlfriend who comes home smelling like dog pee. I’m practically a fire hydrant.

Is-is, uh, is, uh, is that right?

Yeah, and my car’s so filthy. I need someone to stick their head out the window to help navigate.

H-Head… head out the window?

To be honest, all I like to do is play tennis, but I’m not even that good. I keep hitting the balls over the fence and have no one to retrieve them…

Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I’m in.

Well, I’m going to a concert this Friday. Want to come? It’s at Quahog Church.

Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock?

Yeah. I’m an evangelical Christian. Is that a problem?

Well, I-I’m not really a big fan of…

There’s your spot.

[announcer] ¡Gol!

Sorry, I interrupted you. You were saying?

I-I… why, just that I’m not a big fan of anything, but Jesus! He’s the best! [chuckles] Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker. Neuter yourself, dick.

I know, what a jerk. Wasn’t he also accused of sexual harassment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah… The dog stuff though, you know, come on.

[TV announcer] We now return to The Italian Tony Awards.

Hey, I’m Tony, and for the 30th year in a row, the best musical is the only one that I’ve seen, Cats.

[audience member] Hey, you hear that? Tony likes a musical.

Eh, pipe down, boombots. Everybody knows in high school you had an earring.

All right, I’m going out. I’ll see you guys later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. W-What’s that around your neck?

Well, I, uh, I may have a date with a Christian girl.

Huh. Must be hard for you not to bite what’s essentially two crossed sticks.

Oh, my God, it’s so hard. It’s literally all I can think about. But I-I really like this girl, you know? She’s perfect in every other way.

I don’t know, Bri. You really think you can convince her you’re Christian?

Oh, you’re good.

[band playing]

Hello, evangelicals! Who out there is boring?

We are!

That’s right! And before we start, I’d like to say a special hello to our only Black audience member, who’s in the front row, so he’s caught on all the camera shots.

Wow. Look at all our diversity. Can you believe most people think us evangelicals are a bunch of nerdy losers?

No. Come on.

Seriously, it’s true. Hey, I-I don’t normally do this, but what do you say we go back to my place after this and get a little crazy?


Yeah. We’ll eat sherbet and watch funny State Farm commercials.

Uh, okay, and, and then we’ll have sex?

Sex? Brian, I’m Christian. And no good Christian believes in sex before marriage, except for every minister or politician you’ve ever heard of.

But-but you scratched my spot. Y-You have tattoos.

Yeah. Of Bible verses. [sighs] Brian, I think you should leave.

Well, fine. And frankly, I’ve been wanting to do this all night.

My Jesus! Mine!


Hey, you can’t do that to our savior.


Okay, okay, your savior. Your savior.

[announcer] We now return to a show about incest.


Set 500 years ago.

Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated.

Christianity sucks. It’s stupid, arbitrary nonsense.

You’re horny and she wouldn’t have sex with you.

No. And I did everything right. I even researched abortion clinics in case the condom broke.

Yeah, no, I know. It’s in your Twitter bio.

Fine, but look around. So much of the division and hatred in today’s society comes from Christianity. And it’s so hypocritical. I mean, they all vote for Trump, even though he’s divorced.

That’s all you’ve got on Trump?

Christianity is also anti-science, anti-freedom…

Come on, it’s not all bad. I mean, I have a Swarthy Men of Nazareth advent calendar with doors opening for all 25 days. Talk about the “stars” of Bethlehem, hey, Bri?

Whatever. Christianity is the worst thing that ever happened to this country. Or the world.

Well, perhaps. But it’s been around for 2,000 years, so it’s not like there’s anything you can do about it. Well, I’m going to bed. I’ll leave you to watch John Oliver and agree with yourself.

Good. Love John Oliver. He’s a louder Jon Stewart.

[John Oliver] Blimey, guv’na. Republicans are bollocks.

God, the British are smart. But, man, if only I could get rid of Christianity. If only I could go back in time and stop it from ever taking root. Wait a minute, I can.

[thunder crashing]

[West] Sounds like Brian is fixin’ to use Stewie’s time machine.

[sped up] I’m Mayor West, and my voice was sped up because the show ran too long.


[computer voice] This time machine is password-protected. To enter, state name.

Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin.

To prove you’re Stewie Griffin, what is your favorite Lizzo song?

Uh, the one about pride and, uh, being a… a-a big girl?



[beeping rapidly]

Perfect. Ancient Israel.

And I know my worth…

What the hell?

Has anyone seen Brian? I want to shred it to Lizzo. Oh, yeah, I’m that bitch.

Am I ready?

Ready to go

Am I ready?

Uh, excuse me? I-I’m looking for a rail-thin guy with long hair and sandals.

Buddy, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ.

You mean the guy who showed his wiener on a dare at camp?

Tha-That’s-that’s what he’s known for?

Yeah, he lives about M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way.


Don’t listen to him. He’s Roman. I’m Egyptian, and I can tell you, Jesus lives four cat heads and three squiggly lines that way.

No, no, no, these guys are jokers. I’m Greek, and I can tell you he’s 30 thetas that way. You go 31 thetas, you stop, because that’s too many thetas.

Brian, there you are.

Stewie? How the hell did you find me?

You’re chipped.

Wow, that’s a good chip. Look, I’m sorry I used the time machine without asking, but I came here to stop Jesus from starting Christianity.

What? Come on, you know the rules. You can’t change the past. Even the smallest interaction with someone from another time period can alter… Oh, my God, that’s December 8th from the calendar! I have to interact with him.

I thought you said we couldn’t change the past.

Uh, yeah, just try to keep it close, all right? Just keep it close, Bri. You got this. You got this. I trust you, bro.

“Spicy meatball delights patron.” Ugh, no one reports real news anymore.

All right, found you. Now it’s time to take you down.

Behold. As my wedding gift, I turn this water into wine.


All right!


And I brought hard seltzer and a photo booth.


Yeah, that’s even better!

Hard seltzer has less calories.

And now there’s an activity for people who don’t like to dance.

Then, uh, I-I also brought a guest book, so everyone can leave a fun note for the bride and groom. Okay, fine, a photo booth is better.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven…

[Brian] Hey, Jesus. Nice mount.

He’s on a higher hill, which shows more confidence.

You again? What the hell is your problem?

Me? What the hell is your problem? You’re always telling everyone what to do and think.

You think I want to do this stuff? I only do it because my dad makes me.

Wait, Joseph makes you do this?

No, my real dad. When I was younger, Joseph took a paternity test.

We have the results, and, Joseph, you are not the father.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it!

[audience] Maury! Maury! Maury!

So, anyway, yeah, all this messiah stuff is my dad’s thing.

Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus?

Oh, cool.

Okay, I guess it’s for both of us.

Well, if you don’t want to be a messiah, what do you want to do?

Honestly, I want to be a stand-up comedian.


Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason or Lewis the Blacksmith or Chris the Rock-Piler. You know, we can ask for another menu if…

Yeah, I’m not that hungry. So, why didn’t you do comedy, then?

I guess I never had the confidence. I couldn’t even come up with jokes.


Yikes. Check out Julius Sneezer over there.

Ha! Totally. Hey, you know, that’s pretty funny.

What was? That comment?


Whoa. Who Sepharted?

Ha! Hey, you know, I think you should give comedy another shot.

Come on, does anyone really want to watch a Jewish guy make snarky observations?

I-I think, uh, that a lot of people would enjoy that, yes.

Huh. Then maybe I should try comedy again. Only thing is, I’d have to talk to my dad.

♪ ♪

Wow, I went to a party in this city called Sodom. Have you heard of this place? [whistles] So, how’s your plan going?

Uh, not great so far.

A comedian? How could you do this to your mother?


What’s next? You don’t want to marry your very close cousin?

Of course not. In fact, right now I’m weirdly seeing a prostitute with the same name as Mom.


Come on, Dad, comedy is my dream.

Well, why couldn’t you have told me about your dream before I paid for ancient Brandeis?

You made me go there. You know, nothing I do is ever good enough for you. Why don’t you just say it? You hate me. And you wish I had died in the Punic Wars instead of my brother Greg.

That’s not true! I love you both equally!

Then why won’t you touch his room?

You stay out of Greg’s room!

I have to do something.

It’s God. How could you possibly change his mind?

You will never do stand-up comedy. I forbid it.

[“Danny’s Song” by Loggins and Messina playing]

Wait. What’s that sound?

People smile and tell me I’m the lucky one

And we’ve just begun

Think I’m gonna have a son…

That’s really good sound quality.

Yeah, it’s the new iPhone.

You got a new one? We agreed to update at the end of the year, as Christmas gifts.

Well, I was in the mall and I saw a promotion.

You didn’t tell me about this promotion.

Oh, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I had to tell you every [bleep] thought that comes into my head.

Okay, there we go, Brian makes a mistake, so instead of apologizing, he lashes out with hostility.

And Stewie’s a victim. There’s a big surprise.

I’m a victim because you constantly screw me over.

You know what? Now I wish I hadn’t even played this song. I wish I hadn’t even come back in time. Because I can’t do anything without you making it about yourself. God, I regret our friendship. You are a catastrophe of a human. Oh, hey, they made up.

Tell me everything’s gonna be all right.

[trumpets blaring]

Well, it’s great to be here in Rome, folks. Uh, you know, I heard that the, uh, Roman Senate just voted to build more cobblestone streets. Great. Do my balls get a vote?


And how about that Caesar, huh? Gotta love Caesar. Great salad, great haircut, and loves cutting women’s bellies open.


Look at him there, in the Caesarian section. They’re laughing their ass off.

I do. I do love that.

And you know what they say, “When in Rome.” Well, based on my one day here so far, I guess that means I should be pooping in the street.

He’s right. That is a problem here.

But seriously, folks, Rome sure beats anywhere else. You guys follow politics? ‘Cause it seems like they’ve made a real mess of Potamia.


But don’t fret, folks, it’s not all bad news out there. You know how there are seven wonders of the world? Well, turns out they just found an eighth. A Galatian who paid his bar tab.


Galatia is our rival.

But enough about politics. Let me tell you a little bit about me. So, my dad’s God.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, thank you. And growing up, he taught me all about carpentry. Yeah. Uh, I guess he thought teenage boys should spend more time rubbing wood.

[crowd laughs]

And my mom’s a virgin. That’s fun. Uh, yeah, when I was a teenager, I had to give her the talk.

[crowd laughs]


Wow, he’s killing it.

Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now. He’s gonna be huge.

What happened?

He told a joke about Assyrians on a college campus.

Oh, yeah, you can’t do that anymore. This first millennial generation is very sensitive.


All right, don’t make it obvious, but get a picture of me with him. Do one more.

Stewie, we’re done. Mission accomplished and Christianity never happened, so I’m pretty sure the present will be just how I want it.

[Peter] Hi, Peter here. If you’ve seen our time travel episodes before, you know that can’t possibly be the case. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen, though, because the network needs you to stick around through the Del Taco ads. You know, if you bought all the ingredients for tacos yourself, it would cost like 40 bucks, but somehow, at Del Taco, you can buy one for 80 cents.

Damn it.

What? What’s wrong?

Every time I enter into a new reality, I’m hoping my room has wainscoting. [sighs] But I guess it’s more boring, single-textured walls for Stewie.

Wow, so far, without Christianity, everything looks the same.

Morning, Brian. Hey, where’s your yarmulke?

Uh, what?

Morning, Doctor Son.

Morning, Doctor Dad.

Morning, Doctor Wife.

Morning, Doctor Husband.

Oh, my God. They’re all Jewish.

Whoa. Listen to your tone.

No, no, no. No tone at all. Because Christianity never happened, Judaism became the dominant faith, and I have zero problem with that. Why, do you have a problem?

No, I don’t have a problem. Far from it. What the yidle-diddle-diddledidle-deuce?

Well, I’m off to school in my regular-star necklace.

I’m leaving, too. Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes. Is it okay if I stop at Ross Dress for the Same Price as Everywhere Else?

Of course, honey. Ooh, and maybe tonight we can all go see that new movie starring Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and half of Scarlett Johansson.

Huh. So, you think everyone is Jewish now?

Morning, Griffins. It’s me, your neighbor, Sammy Davis Brown Jr.

I suppose so. Wow, I guess a lot of history has changed now. No World War II, no conflict in the Middle East. Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus.

We did it. We discovered New York, Miami, and Filene’s Basement.

[all] Yay! [chanting] Slacks, slacks, slacks, slacks!

Lot more sweater shops in this reality.

Yeah, and there’s a billboard for The Normal Mrs. Maisel. Ah, here we are.

Shalom, Brian. Boy, this town has good medical care.

Are you sure I’m allowed to be in here?

Yeah, without Christianity, there are no arbitrary rules about age limits.

Hey, you guys hear the new joke? A rabbi, a rabbi, and a rabbi walk into a bar and split a seltzer.

It’s free refills. Why pay for three?

All right, what does everyone want to hear on the jukebox? They’ve got “Sweet Caroline,” “Sweet Caroline Remix,” and “Sweet Caroline A Cappella.”

Shalom, boys.

Uh, shalom. How are you?

Not good. I’m allergic to my horse.

Hey, Bri, I got the remote. Let’s see what television is like.

[TV announcer] And now, the Channel Five News, brought to you by Kentucky Boiled Chicken. Kentucky Boiled Chicken: all herbs, no spices ’cause you already burp enough.

Good afternoon, I’m Tom Tucker and welcome to Channel Five, where, as always, 80% of our news is the weather. But first, with sports, here’s my brother Lenny, who my mom forced me to hire.

I-I’m sorry, Tom, I didn’t have time to check the scores.

Well, there’s a friggin’ shocker, folks.

[in deep voice] Afternoon, Brian.

Hey, Mort. Uh, why is your voice so deep?

Why shouldn’t it be? Millennia of not running from people has made me remarkably confident and relaxed.

You know, I like Jewish Quahog.

Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie. A Jewish world is much better than a Christian one. There are no absurd, stifling rules driving everyone crazy.

There you guys are. It’s almost sundown, so let’s turn off our devices and walk three miles to temple.


Ha! You were saying, Brian?

We have to go back in time and stop Moses from receiving the Ten Commandments. That way, neither Judaism nor Christianity will ever exist.

On it. Done.

How’d you do that so fast?

I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away. And before you say anything, that was a lot of money back then. Anyone would have done it.

Happy November 25th. Only 30 shopping days till nothing.

Brian, it worked.

That’s only half the story, Stewie. Let’s make sure.

Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate?

Uh, all of his ex-wives, but no generalized group.

It did work. Finally, a world with no religion, no prejudices, no irrationalities. Just science-based reason.

[knock on door]

Package for Brian and Stewie?

Yeah, that’s us.

What did you do, you little twerps?

Oh, my God. God!

Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

It was his idea! It’s not even my machine!

You don’t think Einstein and Carl Sagan tried this crap? I had to send them to Noogie City. Is that where you want to live? Noogie City? Huh? ‘Cause I can take you there. I got the keys, hoss.

[both grunting]

Is this all religion is? Threatening to noogie people if they dare to think for themselves?

Yes. I’m basically Biff from Back to the Future, and you’re all George McFly. All right, I got to take a picture of the package on your doorstep, or they don’t believe me.

You’re really a delivery man?

Yeah. No collection plate. I got to pay for Dish Network somehow.

Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy. I guess we should go fix it, Brian.

You know what? No. A world without religion is a world that values reason and logic to better the world for everyone. And I’m not gonna let some two-bit boomer… Yeah, you heard me… Tell us otherwise.

[knuckles crack]

Christ the royal master

Leads against the foe.


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