Original air date: April 10, 2024
A new biopic about Chris Christie is due to be filmed in Quahog, but Peter is upset that the lead role was given to Brad Pitt and not an overweight actor. After protesting the matter with Brian, he is hired as a “fat guy consultant” and trains Pitt in the plus-sized lifestyle. Pitt is unable to play the role due to a thrown-out back, and Peter is hired to take his place. Christie is filmed with almost no issues, though the reception at the premiere event is lukewarm, with even Peter noting how poor of an actor he is. Despite Brian being proud of his commitment to inclusivity, Peter realizes that acting should be left to professionals, who can lend more interpretation to the role.
* * *
Good evening. Coming up, a major Hollywood movie is set to film in Quahog. But first, whoever recorded me cursing at that freeway off-ramp veteran, please don’t post that, all right, seriously. We all have bad days. Our top story: the latest Brad Pitt film will be shot right here in Quahog. Pitt will play former New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?! It should be a fat guy playing that role! Chris Christie didn’t eat 10,000 Jersey Mike’s subs just to be played by a Hollywood pretty boy. That’s offensive, and I, for one, will not stand for it.
Although that’s mostly due to cardiovascular disease. I got to sit down.
Peter, you know, you’ve actually got a valid point.
Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.
It’s shameful Hollywood would pass over the many talented plus-sized actors who are much more deserving of the role.
Name two.
Jonah Hill?
He’s thin now.
Uh, Fat Albert?
Not real.
James Corden?
He’s been canceled for sending eggs back.
Well, it’s just another example of Hollywood’s history of exclusionary casting, whitewashing and thinwashing.
Exactly. Like Mike Myers playing an Indian man in The Love Guru.
[giggles]
Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans playing White Chicks.
[giggles]
Or Mickey Rooney playing an offensive stereotype of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
I don’t know that movie, but I like breakfast.
Oh, come on, you two. You’re really offended that one of the biggest movie stars on the planet is coming to our crap town to shoot a movie? I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere, with any of us.
Facts.
I mean, when was the last time a celebrity visited Quahog?
Uh, Jared Fogle.
Who?
The Subway Guy. Remember? He was here for a public appearance. Took a shine to Chris for some reason. Took him camping. Had these weird candies he’d only let Chris eat.
How come I don’t remember any of this?
Ah, too many video games, buddy. They’re rotting your brains.
Get your hands off me, Jared!
You’re really gonna complain about Brad Pitt? Who cares what role he’s playing?!
Well, that’s easy for you to say, Lois. Women have no idea what it’s like for us men, being held up to impossible standards of beauty in the media.
Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.
Eh! Too old. Next.
Peter, I think you’re right to protest. I’ll even join you.
Thanks, Brian. Sometimes you just got to stand up for what’s right. That’s why I stood up to Kanye West.
Dinosaurs were created by the Illuminati. The government hides secrets in SpaghettiOs. And Hitler would’ve won Wimbledon if he played tennis, bro.
Sir, sir, sir. We do not wear shoes in this house. Thank you. Now please continue about Wimbledon.
[chanting] Overweight is overdue! Overweight is overdue!
Wow, I’m impressed, Peter.
Yeah, it’s going great. News trucks even showed up to cover it.
I–I think… I think those are just food trucks.
Come on, you know you want some.
Hi, fellas.
Oh, hey. Thanks for coming out to support us.
“Dangerous Curves Ahead.” Oh…
[laughs] Right?
[laughs] Oh, that is good.
[laughing] You get it.
[laughs] That… that is clever.
Am I right?
[laughter]
That, that’s good. That’s good.
Isn’t it, though? [laughs]
Yeah, yeah. [whispers] Brian, can you explain that shirt to me later?
Protesters were on hand today at the set of the new Chris Christie biopic being filmed in Quahog. They were protesting the casting of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt in the lead role and not a person of heft.
Well, Peter, I’m just glad you’re on the news for something other than sitting on a hamster at a school event.
[clamoring]
Hey, they said they weren’t gonna put that!
[doorbell rings]
Mr. Griffin, hi. I’m Josh Universal from the movie. I’m taking a break from my horrific cocaine habit to ask you to sit down with our producers for a “listening session” to hear your concerns. And, on an unrelated note, can I use your bathroom, and does anyone have a rolled-up bill? Oh, of course. I got a special five just for that.
[sniffs] All right, let’s get zapped and go see a play!
♪ ♪
♪ Abraham Lincoln ♪
♪ His wife’s middle name was Todd! ♪
Hmm. That’s odd.
Mr. Griffin, thank you for meeting with us. Have a seat.
Not on my lap!
Sorry. [chuckles] I’m a little nervous.
Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt.
♪ ♪
[gasps] George Clooney’s boyfriend?
No, no. A few years ago, he was cast in a marriage.
Mr. Griffin, we’ve asked you here because we understand you have an issue with Brad playing the lead role in our movie. We want to make sure we hear and ignore all your concerns.
Look, I know Brad Pitt is a big star and all, but he’s playing Chris Christie, who’s a fat guy. It seems unfair that the role didn’t go to a fat guy. It only makes sense.
Don’t you think we should cast the best actor, letting them interpret the role, rather than depending on physical traits?
Not if you’re taking the role away from a fat guy.
But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt is a highly skilled actor who’s won an Oscar and lots of garbage Golden Globes.
You’re not hearing my concerns. You don’t know the challenges fat guys face. What it’s like to have to rock multiple times to get off the couch, or how it feels to have to poke a new hole in your belt with a nail, only to realize the end no longer tucks into the little loop, or the shame of getting thrown out of a strip club for touching.
That last thing doesn’t seem like a weight issue.
You sound just like the judge! Look, the casting of this movie is offensive to fat people, and I won’t rest until it gets shut down.
Mr. Griffin, look, what if we made you our “official fat guy consultant”?
Do you think I’m an idiot?
Yes! What if I told you we’ll give you a P.A. who will get you anything you want?
Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.
He’s actually Judd Apatow’s nephew Zack. You can’t tell him what to do. In fact, you work for him.
I want you to get me this thing, and I can’t remember what it is or where I saw it.
Wow, I’m gonna learn so much from his last name.
[fighting and gunfire on TV]
The new season of White Lotus is weird.
Griffins, you are looking at the Chris Christie movie’s official fat guy consultant.
Boy, that’s a garbage title if I ever heard one.
What? Wait a minute, so instead of demanding they cast a plus-sized actor, you caved when they offered you a meaningless title?
What about everything you fought for?
Don’t you see, Brian? Now I can work the system from the inside with dignity.
[phone rings]
Yes, Mr. Apatow’s nephew? [deflated] Yes, Mr. Apatow’s nephew. [crying] Yes, Mr. Apatow’s nephew.
What does a fat guy consultant even do?
I’m the personal weight-gain coach for Brad Pitt.
Wou–Would we get to meet him?
Sure. My job is to teach him how to think, eat and live like a fat guy.
So, just like that, you’re giving up?
Brian, I’m a fat guy. I got all fired up about something, and now I’m tired and I’d like some custard.
Guys, I’d like you to meet my new friend Brad Pitt.
Oh, my God!
Whoa, nice to meet you.
Who’s this now?
He’s a very famous actor. He’s like the white Morris Chestnut.
Oh, damn!
Wow!
I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Brad Pitt. I’ve got so many questions. Like, what are the other rules of Fight Club?
Well, the first rule is–
No, I’m clear on the first rule. And I know the second rule is just repeating the first. But there’s got to be loads more. Like, I got to think “no sack attacks” is on there.
Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get Jennifer Aniston’s number from you? I know she’s got to be a nightmare, but she keeps it so freakin’ tight.
Okay, enough small talk. Let’s do what I brought him here for: to break the Internet with a group head-smushed-together selfie.
[phone beeps]
[camera clicks]
Kevin Spacey? Get out of here. You’re not allowed to be in head-smushed-together photos after what you did.
Not guilty on all British counts.
[chuckles] Oh, that rascal.
[knocking]
Hi, you must be Peter’s wife. I’m Brad.
♪ ♪
Oh, I know who you are. I’m [screams]
Hi, I’m [screams]
Stewart. Charmed. I know you dump people when they’re 40, but that still gives us 39 good years.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt. Um, when you did that movie Snatch, did you know that also means something else? Because it very much does.
That’s a sticky handshake you got there, Chris. Peter, I was wondering if I could spend some time with you and your family, observing how you live and how you eat, to prepare for the role.
Sure, I’d be glad to help. Wow, I ain’t had a celebrity ask me for a favor since Jeremy Renner asked me to shovel out his driveway.
[engine idling]
Uh, Jeremy, in light of recent events, uh… could ol’ Pete borrow your skis?
Okay, Brad, I’m gonna teach you to be a fat guy. For starters, this is where we eat.
Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt, but would you mind if I FaceTime my friends with you here? Oh, my God, they’ll go crazy!
Sure, Meg, it’d be my pleasure.
[squeals]
[FaceTime app ringing]
Oh, boy. Oh, this–this is sad. Oh, this–this is just… Oh… Why don’t I just take this, dear.
[ringing stops]
[phone beeps]
Okay, Brad, now, another fat guy rule is that when you’re out at restaurants, always act like you’re on the fence about dessert.
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
Seriously? You must be joking. I cannot move. No, sir. No way. Absolutely stuffed to the gills. Gonna have to take a rain check. Although… No, no, I can’t even suggest it. We are done. Donearoo. Check, please. Although… just thinking, I don’t know when we’ll be back here. I read about the award-winning pastry chef Wait, what am I saying? No! No. Stop me, please, someone, please. Bring the check now. Okay, you know what, we’ll get one order and we’ll all share. One dessert, one dish, five spoons. Whoever wants can have some. One plate. One of everything. My plate. One spoon. No share.
Now, Brad, if you’re gonna play a fat guy on camera, you got to learn how to do the rope swing.
Okay, let me show you how it’s done.
[groans]
900,000 views.
I’m learning so much.
That’s great. Hey, can you click on a porn site for me? Otherwise I got to peck it with my nose like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
Here you go.
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin. I love a homecooked meal.
Well, we are so happy to have you. How’s Shiloh?
Who?
How’s Maddox?
Who?
How’s Zahara?
Who?
How’s Pax?
Who?
How’s Vivienne?
Who?
How’s Knox?
Who?
Ignore her, she can be so annoying. Sometimes I wish I had a private plane just so I could choke her on it.
Hey, can I get you anything? Another pork ‘n’ Cheetos sandwich or a buffalo latte?
I’m good, Peter, thanks.
[director] Brad, you’re up!
[groans]
[grunting]
Ah!
[director] Brad? Are you okay?
My back. I threw out my back. I can’t move.
Hey, since you can’t really move right now, this is probably a good time to ask, what’s Juliette Lewis really like?
[straining] Nice. Talented. Professional. A little shrill.
Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right.
[groaning, panting]
I don’t think I can walk.
We can’t push back our schedule any more. If Brad’s injured, what are we gonna do?
We’ll need a new Chris Christie. But who could possibly play that role on such short notice?
I can play that role.
Griffin, you’re not even an actor.
No, but what I am is a real fat guy. Brad Pitt was never the right choice. This role calls for real-life fat guy authenticity. I mean, would Transparent have been as good if they just put a guy in a dress? Would Neil Patrick Harris have been as funny on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn’t a known heterosexual horndog? Would Tropic Thunder have been as authentic if Robert Downey Jr. wasn’t a dignified Black man?
We’re in a jam. What do you think?
I don’t think we have any other choice. All right, Griffin, you got the part.
Awesome! I’m gonna FaceTime my friends. They’re gonna be so excited for me.
[FaceTime app ringing]
Oh, boy. Oh, this–this is sad.
[TV announcer] We now return to a steamy business drama where no one understands what’s happening.
Are you saying we should forge the EBITDA projections for the quarterlies?
No.
I’m saying we declare a revenue miss while issuing additional shares based on reduced capitalization estimates.
Jim, you’re in grave danger of violating the Glass-Steagall Act.
[Chris] They haven’t shown a bare ass in three weeks!
Show me your ass, Jim.
[Chris] And I’m back.
Griffins, you are looking at the new lead in the Chris Christie movie.
You? Wh–What happened to Brad Pitt?
It’s what I’ve been saying all along, Lois. He can’t do what I do. He doesn’t bring the fat guy authenticity. His sweat doesn’t smell like french fries. He doesn’t bring the sky-high blood pressure or the jolting sleep apnea. I have that gift. That’s why.
Peter, this is ridiculous. You can’t play Chris Christie. You’re not even an actor.
Oh, no? Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh! Sound familiar?
But how do you…?
Squirt gun full of Ivory.
Sorry, Lunchables, I’m afraid I’ve lost my appetite.
Peter, I’m proud of you. You’re actually making important strides on behalf of inclusivity and cultural sensitivity.
Yeah, I’m all for that stuff. As long as we don’t got to take down the Confederate statue in the yard. That’s for history and learning. Even if they did come in second place out of two armies in a war.
So, how’d we do?
Second place, baby.
Hey, not bad.
Silver medal. Whoo!
Okay, Peter, so, in this next scene, Christie would probably struggle in the heat and sun on the George Washington Bridge.
You presume to lecture me what it’s like? How dare you thin-splain to me? Talk to me when your BMI is over 35.
Wow, a real live movie set. So cool to be here for the magic.
Yeah, and look, there’s a child star who’s getting an hour of school.
Okay, Billy, now, what color is this?
Blue?
Close enough. Now get back out there and be the most distracting part of any film.
♪ ♪
♪ Making a movie ♪
♪ Not as glamorous as it seems ♪
♪ Standing around ♪
♪ For three hours just to move a light ♪
♪ Tripping over thick cables everywhere ♪
♪ Spending all day shooting one ten-second scene, yeah ♪
♪ Waving flies off the craft service table ♪
♪ Making a movie ♪
♪ Way more tedious than it seems ♪
♪ The most important job is the editor ♪
♪ Staring at a frame for 18 hours straight ♪
♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪
♪ Even a dumb cartoon like this takes 18 months ♪
♪ What are we all doing? ♪
[camera shutters clicking]
Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere. This is so exciting!
Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman in a coma as his date?
Hey, guys, big night, huh? See you in there.
[crowd clamoring]
[camera shutters clicking]
Oh, God, here come those mindless entertainment reporters who only want to know, “Who are you wearing?”
Stewie!
Stewie.
Over here, Stewie.
How do you respond to those who accuse your show of trafficking in decades of misogyny, homophobia and racially insensitive stereotyping?
Uh… Thom Browne, thank you. Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.
And here’s the star of the film, Peter Griffin. What are you wearing tonight, Peter?
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually two shirts sewn together. The jacket is stolen from a steak house maître d’, and the pants are a towel.
You know, I hear you were quite the prankster on set.
Well, it wasn’t so much pranks as yelling and shouting at women. Yeah, a lot of ’em aren’t here tonight. They’re doing some town hall meeting with Gloria Allred. Ah, we’ll see what happens.
The afterparty’s at a Panera that’s still open to normal customers.
[cheering]
Thank you all for coming.
[Quagmire] Giggity.
It was a lot of hard work.
[Quagmire] Giggity.
And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers’ strike, we were unable to write a third joke for this speech.
[cheering]
Hey!
Ow!
That’s your father’s movie up there. Pay attention, you dope.
♪ ♪
[clamoring on screen]
Repeat after me.
I’s am governor.
I’s am governor.
Youse are not.
Youse are not.
Big Pussy didn’t deserve to die like that in The Sopranos.
But he was a freakin’ rat!
Congratulations, you are the governor of New Jersey. Now let’s all root for the Jets and the Mets like the idiots we are.
[cheering]
♪ ♪
[thunder crashing]
Lord, please protect us from this coming hurricane. It’s bad enough you gave me the same first and last name. Please don’t let me be killed by a Sandy. The fellas at the Y would never let me hear the end of it. Amen.
♪ ♪
[crying]
Oh, Chris, you’re dying.
Don’t remember me like this. Remember me stuffed like a sausage into that NYPD softball uniform.
♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪
[scattered clapping]
♪ And I would walk 500. ♪
[feigning enthusiasm] Hey, that was terrific.
[forced] Oh, what an achievement.
[chuckles awkwardly] You really did it, buddy.
What are you guys talking about? I stunk. I can’t act at all.
No… You were, uh, very believably fat.
Didn’t you notice half the time I was staring right into the camera? They had to use peanut butter to get me on my mark.
Yeah, but you’ve done a great thing for authenticity and inclusivity.
I don’t even know what those words mean, I just like to see your tail wag when you say ’em.
Peter, you’re giving the marginalized a voice.
How are they marginalized? The whole country’s full of dumb, fat [bleep].
Now more than ever, we need authenticity and inclusivity.
No, Brian. What we need is good actors. I don’t care if they’re Black, white, tall, short, thin, fat.
Gay, straight you forgot those ones.
Look, I–I admit I thought acting was easy. And maybe I was blinded by all the praise I got from Harvey Weinstein.
Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn’t had clout for like six years.
Oh, boy. Then I may have done some things I’ll regret.
I don’t know, I guess, as a fat guy, I–I got offended that Chris Christie wasn’t played by a fat guy. But turns out it just needed to be a good actor. Maybe we should all spend less time judging and more time enjoying what different actors bring to different roles. That’s the magic of movies and TV.
[Chris] And stepson porn.
Chris, you don’t have to join every conversation.
[murmuring]
Okay, look, look, I understand not everyone will agree on this issue, but let’s discuss it in a civilized manner by making death threats from our individual homes to one another on the Internet.
[phone chimes]
Right back at you, buddy.
Well, I’m sorry your movie didn’t go over well, Peter.
Yeah, the money was good, but I got tired of all the one-night stands.
What?
Huh?
Sorry, my ears have been clogged since I made out with that guy from the film crew.
What?
Huh?
Well, I got to say, Bri, it might not have worked out for Dad, but I sure got bit by the acting bug.
Really? You want to be an actor?
Oh, yeah. I’d be great in Streetcar.
Stella! Stella!
What?!
Is Aidan home?
