Family Guy – S22E13 – Lifeguard Meg | Transcript

Stewie and Brian win a coffee shop; Meg gets a job as a lifeguard at the pool.
Family Guy - S22E13 - Lifeguard Meg

Original air date: March 27, 2024

At a water park/aquarium, Meg earns a lifeguard job after rescuing Stewie from drowning in the dolphin and manatee exhibit. She enjoys her new workplace due to her newfound solitude away from her abusive family, but her fun is ruined when Peter receives a discounted season pass, bringing Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland with him. She chases them out when they violate the rules, but ends up having to perform CPR on Peter, the procedure being mistaken for incest as the Griffins become a laughing stock. Lois is especially upset by the news, but changes her tune after Peter falls unconscious on the stairs, though Stewie resuscitates him instead. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian are handed ownership of a local coffee shop following the cancellation of its previous owner, but forget to buy any coffee to serve the customers. Brian saves face by selling Folgers from the bodega next door, but his ruse is revealed by Principal Shepherd. The younger customers don’t mind the revelation, but Brian and Stevie are soon canceled themselves after it is revealed that the former harasses AOC via DM. The two hand ownership to Principal Shepherd, who overhauls the place with a teacher’s lounge theme. The episode ends with Meg quitting her job due to a slight decrease in temperature, and Peter revealing that no one resuscitated him, instead forcing him to wake up by himself with permanent disabilities.

* * *

It’s such a treat to be at the water park with you guys.

I don’t want to freak anyone out, but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank.

[crying] It’s been so long.


I need this so much.

All right.

This is a gift.

Just gonna…

You have no idea.

…move along here.

You’re giving me a gift right now.

You–you take care now.

Yeesh. Imagine being that desperate for human connection. Anyway, sir, I’ve been stung by a jellyfish, and I need to be peed on.

Our jellyfish don’t sting.

[chuckles] Yeah, I think, I think I know when I’ve been stung. Now is there an attractive, well-hydrated manager I can speak to?

Everyone having fun? You know, this is our first family time since we went to Dollywood.



It’s just not what I thought the sign would look like. I mean, it’s got two O’s right next to each other, and, you know, it’s just… missed opportunity.

Where’s Stewie?

Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting, and–and what’ll that get me, peewise?




Well, I’m out of ideas.

Someone, help! My baby! Peter, jump in and save him!

On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my earbuds. Hold my second phone I hide from your mother.

[phone chimes]

Hang on. Respond with an eggplant emoji.


Hey, check out the new addition. She’s hot.

Eh, tank hot.

♪ ♪


Meg! You saved Stewie!

Thank God everyone is safe. And as for you, young lady…

I guess I’m in trouble, huh?

No, not at all. In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. I think you’d make an excellent lifeguard. Will you apply for the position?

You mean it? Wow, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale.

Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers.

Oh, no. Those shoes now belong… to Meg.

♪ ♪

Ah! [bleep] We’re not even close to the same size! Get ’em off, get ’em off! [crying out]

[announcer] In Oz, there’s no place like home. For big women’s shoes, there’s no place like Kohl’s.

Kols’s. Yes, we do have that in a wide.

What software is that? “Final Draft: ‘Extra Visible To Nearby Patrons In the Coffeehouse’ Edition”?

Just trying to get a little work done… on my Hollywood screenplay, for Hollywood. Home of big Hollywood celebrities. Ike Barinholtz, being an example.

Do not patronize this man! I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed!

What? I–I would never.

He tweeted something very negative about Abbott Elementary.

I–I said it was hilarious.

But you didn’t use all caps. You’re canceled, mister.

[all booing]

I’ll just gather my things.

[West] Per hipster law, when a coffeehouse becomes available, it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name.

Um, Java the Hut.

Perks and Recreation.

Uh, Lost and Ground.

Roast Malone.

Two and a Caf Men.

[West] This can go on for quite a while. Why, this very shop started in the ’80s as Funky Brewster, and then Delta Perk. In the mid’90s, it was briefly a tavern called Dharma & Grog, and then…


Uhp. I’ll send you back now. Got to get the dog.

Daisy! Daisy! It’s just the barley man. You know the barley man.

The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf.

Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf.

The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing.

Brian, Brian. Everyone’s gone.

Yup, it’s all yours. You can name it whatever.

Wow, what should we do first?

We should hang an “Under New Management” banner to generate interest.

Whoa, someone different is signing the time cards. I got to check this place out.

Really glad you’re applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. I just have a few questions. “If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, what would you say?”

Uh… The pool is a shower?

Wow, skipping to page two. Let’s see, this is all just boilerplate about making sure to hassle the urban kids like they’re gonna somehow steal the pool.

Right, right, right. That was in the application packet you emailed.

Okay, well, you’re basically hired. The only lifeguard test left is for you to run all sultry in slow motion.

[“Yakety Sax” playing]

♪ ♪

[song ends]

Okay, we can work on that.

Wow, we’re finally going to open our coffeehouse today. I’ve been dreaming of this day for most of the day, and now it finally pays off.

Yup, only thing left to do is put the right music on the Sonos.

[automated voice] Connecting: Brian’s Knockoff iPhone.

Wait, why does it say that?

[automated voice] Playing: Jazz Music Brian Never Actually Listens To.

[jazz music playing]

Mmm, love this one.

[automated voice] Favorited, but not listened to once. Not one single time.

It’s okay, Bri, I got this.

[automated voice] Connecting: Stewie’s iPad That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him.

Whoa, no, not always.

[automated voice] Playing: Songs That Are Guys’ Names.

[male singer] ♪ Robert! ♪

Stop, stop, we’re overthinking this. It’s a coffeehouse. We’re legally required to play Sheryl Crow’s worst songs.

You’re right. Anyway, what matters is we’re finally ready to open our new café: “Oh Joe You D’int.”

Uh, did–did we… did we settle on that name?

[laughs] Don’t ask me. You’re the one who keeps bringing us back to “Oh Joe You D’int.”

Yeah, I don’t like that one.

And yet here we are talking about it. You’re the one who won’t let it go. Yeah, me, I’m open to whatever. All right, are we serving coffee or what?

[busy chatter]

Welcome, everyone. Step right up and get yourself some coffee. Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee.

Okay, where did you put the coffee?

Me? Wha I you were in charge of getting the coffee, I–I was coming up with “Oh Joe You D’int.”

Well, frick. Okay, okay, make it look like we can’t help anyone because we’re preparing a giant order for DoorDash.

How do we do that?

Just start throwing a bunch of stuff into bags, and I’ll keep asking if the next person through the door is Dave.

Dave? You Dave? Dave?

What about us?

You’re actually here, so you don’t matter.

[lively chatter]

♪ ♪

[Meg] A job can be more than a job, if you love what you do. I am a lifeguard because I love flashing eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. I love checking the pH of the pool by gargling the water and seeing how quickly it gives me a yeast infection.


Okay, pH a little high here.

I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out.

[Ray Romano’s voice] All right, guys, that’s enough over there.

[Meg] But what I love most about being a lifeguard? No more abuse from my family. In fact, no family at all. It’s just me, all day, every day.

[Peter] Hey, Meg!


Great news. Since you work here, I got a discount on a season pass! I’ll be here all day, every day. And don’t worry, I won’t set up my towel next to the breastfeeding moms.

Don’t forget to swap halfway through so you keep ’em even.

Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace.

Well, maybe your workplace should’ve thought of that before they put an ad on my juice box.

I’m a lifeguard, you know. I could just throw you out.

Aw, come on, Meg. Look, if you let me stay, we’ll make one of those viral videos you love. You know, where something seems real, but it’s actually cake.

Yo, yo, yo, I’m here with my daughter, Meg, and her brother, Chris. Or am I?

Ow, Dad! Stop it!

Wait, what happened to Cake Chris?

All right, let’s see what’s happening on CakeHub.

[sultry music playing]

What a dirty little cake.

Okay, plus, plus, you know “laugh and cry”? You know the in the song where Stewie says “laugh and cry”? Let me stay, Meg, and it’s all yours.

You’d do that?

I will look into it. I will look into it very strongly.

[softly] ♪ Laugh and cry ♪

Okay, I guess so. But only if you promise to follow all the rules.

Guys, we’re in!

Hey, Meg.


Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. What if it’s very passive?

[busy chatter]

What are we gonna do, Stewie?! These people came for coffee, and we have none to serve them!

Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what?

Uh, hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back.

What do you mean you don’t have the coffee?!

[as delivery guy] I–I know, I’m sorry, and–and for such a handsome guy, too. You’re so handsome.

[as himself] Okay, pal, you’re not gonna compliment your way out of this one.

[as delivery guy] Ah, geez, buddy, you look so tense. Let’s get you out of that apron.

[as himself] Oh, come on, I’m at work.

[as delivery guy] Oh, when is that body not working?

Sorry, hang on, just got to deal with this stupid thing.

Enough of this. Come on, other college students. Let’s go sign up for a credit card that gives us a T-shirt!

[indistinct chatter]

Wait! Hang on! We got coffee for you right here. Yep, the highest quality that you’ve come to expect here at “Brew Ha Ha.” I want to change our name to “Brew Ha Ha.”

You’re a lifesaver. Where did you get that?

I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers.

What? We’ll never get away with serving Folgers.

Won’t we? Look around, we’re a hit.

[indistinct chatter]

And check it out, we’re already a pretend small business in a Chase Bank ad.

♪ ♪

[Brian] These days, running a small business can be a big challenge.

[Stewie] Whether we’re receiving a flower delivery for unclear reasons…

[Brain] Or raising the blinds and flipping over the “Open/Closed” sign, which is how I spend most of my work day…

[Stewie] Or even making a latte for a Black woman, an iced tea for a white woman, and a coffee for a gently brown guy who could go in a lot of different directions…

[Brian] We’ve got our hands full. That’s why Chase Bank is here for us.

[Stewie] When this man in a suit from Chase Bank came down and shook my hand at my place of business, it really solidified what we’d already talked about at his office.

[Brian] Now we’re looking at a laptop, like my stupid little coffee shop is gonna be a big disruptor in the online space.

[Stewie] And my Chase business card allows me to make those emergency purchases that I’ll lose sleep at night over.

[Brian] Chase understands my business the way they understand all businesses, as a huge reverse funnel that shoves money upwards to them.

[Stewie] Hey, another flower delivery. These’ll look great in the bathroom, while I’m pooping blood from the stress.

[Brian] Now I’m flipping over that “Open/Closed” sign again. Is that a new stadium with Chase’s name on it? How’d they afford that?

[Stewie] I’ll be in this bathroom for a while.

Better toss it to the announcer.

[announcer] At Chase Bank, we’re about more than just foreclosing on American servicemen while overseas. We’re about small business. So when you think of Chase, don’t think of the 2008 financial crash, think of your local, sympathetic small business.

Flower delivery.

[Stewie] Yeah, guys, we’re good on flowers for a while.

Well, that’s great, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re passing Folgers off as real coffee. Isn’t someone going to know the taste of Folgers?

Relax, Stewie. The only person who could possibly know the taste of Folgers would be an older white man who works in public education.

I would like a cup of coffee, please.


[studio audience laughs]

[woman speaking Japanese]


Dad, you promised you’d follow all the rules. I told you, no horseplay.

[laughs] We’re having big wrasslefights a’cause it’s the only way we know how to express affection.

Gonna get you, Peter.

Me, too.

And not because I love you and I don’t have the words to say it.

I’m just having normal fun without all that mess.

Okay, guys, out of the pool. I gave you a chance, and you blew it. You’re kicked out of the park.


Go home. I’m kicking you out.

Gotta catch me first. Just try to get me out of the deep end with these longlegged, shorttorsoed giants.

Dad! Oh, my God, he’s not breathing.

♪ ♪

Okay, guys. Come on now.

Please breathe, Dad.



Your mouth was… on my mouth.

Uh, I think. Maybe a little. Yeah.

My God, Peter. That’s your daughter.

Adopted daughter?

No, Woody, just–just regular daughter.

Oh, ye–yeah, then ew, that’s–that’s wrong, ew.

♪ ♪

Okay, so… our mouths were… totally touching each other.


But that’s okay. That’s okay. ‘Cause you were saving my life, so it’s not weird.

Right, it’s not w– It’s the opposite of weird.

Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah. And, anyway, we can just say this never happened, right? ‘Cause nobody even saw us.


Ooh, they’re all distracted. Other urban kids, this is our chance.

♪ ♪

Stewie, what are we gonna do? If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, he’s gonna recognize that it’s Folgers.

I say we wait him out. Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely, unless he clears his throat.

[clears throat]

Welp, we’re out of moves. Um, hi. How may I help you?

I would like a cup of coffee.

Y–Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up.

♪ ♪

Wait a minute, this is Folgers instant coffee.

[crowd exclaims]

I would know, we served it at my wedding.

Yes, everyone, we admit it. We didn’t have our normal coffee beans on hand, and so we’ve been serving you the cheap stuff. You’re all drinking Folgers.

That’s awesome.

It… it is?

Heck yeah, man. We’re, like, paying way a lot of our parents’ money for our parents’ own cheap coffee? That’s kind of meta. Like, seriously alt and iro.

[crowd murmurs in agreement]

Well, that went different from how I expected.

Yup, kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant.

This dog and baby are banned from society forever ’cause of an Internet thing. One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC’s DMs.


She’s hot, but we’re supposed to pretend she’s not.

Well, who’s that red lipstick for?

[crowd boos]

I guess the coffee shop’s available.

Roast Busters.

Good luck.

♪ ♪

Oh, back from the water park, you two? Anything unusual happen?

Yeah. No. I mean, I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, but he was, like, way not blood-related.

Okay. Guess I’ll just watch the news.

Our top story, creepy liplock saves a life at Quahog water park. Local man Peter Griffin was revived by a game of tonsil hockey with lifeguard Meg Griffin, who I’m placing my hand over my ear and pretending to get new information is his own daughter?

Babe, it’s not what you think.

Yeah, I was just saving his life. He means nothing to me.

I want to believe that, Meg. But look what people are saying on Facebook. “This is wrong,” Bonnie Swanson. “So not okay,” Donna Brown. “Russia USA number one support, woman’s face with Getty Image watermark.

Our family is a laughing stock.

Why are you being like this? I was just doing my job.

I know, but I’m sorry, it–it’s just weird. I feel humiliated. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, which is how TV depicts a woman at her lowest point emotionally.

This is insane.

Yeah, when are people gonna grow up?

♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪

♪ KISS… ♪


♪ E… NG. ♪

[bell rings]

[announcer] And Chris Griffin is eliminated, which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as National Spelling Champion. Congrats to his always frowning Indian parents joylessly clapping in the audience.


♪ ♪

Guys, we called this meeting because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, and we have something to say to you.

That’s right.

You guys are being stupid.

Meg and I are in love.

What? No, Dad, we’re telling them that they’re idiots and to cut it out.

Right, I– That’s what I meant, I–I’m all confused. I–I’m not in love with Meg, I–I ju– I need to return a ring to Zales.


[both gasp]

Oh, my God, your father’s not breathing. Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Me? You do it. You’re his wife.

I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. Besides, you’re the only one who knows how.

No way, I already did it once, and it made my life hell.

Meg, please. This is our father! … Probably.

What’s that supposed to mean?

We’ve all heard stories of your time on the Hoobastank tour bus.

Meg, your father is dying and he needs you, and I am not going to sit here and apologize for what I may or may not have done with the Hoobastank bassist.

“Hoobastank bassist”? You don’t even know the guy’s name.

They’ve had like five bass players, and, anyway, it’s not like I was writing down names.

[Peter gasps]

What’s the big deal? You stick your tongue down Dad’s throat. Most natural thing in the world.

Where the hell have you been?

Brian and I did a coffee house thing, I don’t know.

[cell phone rings]

I have to take this. Hey, you.

Listen, Meg. I’m glad you saved my life at the pool. But I’m sorry I came there in the first place. Everyone deserves a place of their own, and I get that now. I promise I’ll treat you better in the future.

You know, we’ve had conversations like this again and again, and nothing ever changes. You’re a terrible father, and I’m counting the days till I move out of this house.

Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, I tell you “I love you” in sign language?

[Chase Bank funded the Dakota access pipeline]

Oh, I love you too, Dad.

[Peter] But this never happened because no one resuscitated me. I did wake up eventually, but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. I spend most of my days getting walked around by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone.

[nurse] Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace?

[Peter] That’s her now.

♪ ♪

Well, Meg, I gotta say, I’m proud of you for going to that water park each day and working a job that you love.

Oh, I quit that place.


Yeah, the weather turned two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed.

That’s the girl I raised.

Yay, our generation folds at nothing.

And, Stewie, I’m sorry our coffee house didn’t work out. I wonder how Principal Shepherd’s doing with it.

Eh, I hear he’s going with a “teachers’ lounge” theme.

Your entire pastry case is just Tupperware with people’s names written in Sharpie.

Don’t forget this sad box of donuts cut into quarters. Everyone, let’s all talk about things that parents have told us in confidence.

[announcer] Principal Shepherd’s Teachers Lounge and Coffee House. It’s kind of like Abbott Elementary, which is amazing. Amazing! You gotta watch it. Oh, my God!


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