Family Guy – S22E10 – Cabin Pressure | Transcript

The Griffins win a trip to Maine at Peter's company picnic and invite their friends to join them, but the vacation gets out of control when the cabin burns down.
Family Guy - S22E10 - Cabin Pressure

Original air date: March 6, 2024

The Griffins win a trip to Maine at Peter’s company picnic and invite their friends to join them, but the vacation gets out of control when the cabin burns down.

* * *

♪ it seems today that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he’s… A… Fam… Ily… Guy! ♪

Thanks for bringing us to your company picnic, Peter.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Yeah, I figured it’s finally time you guys put faces to the people I’ve been bitching about for the past eight years.

Oop, there’s charity 5k guy.

Let’s run lupus out of town, huh, guys?

I work with Peter now.

There’s the guy who started after me, and was beneath me, but now he’s, like, higher up than I am.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, Darren.

Thank you all for coming to today’s picnic.

Now, for our main event: The aerial ovum transfer, Or, as it’s sometimes known, the egg toss.

This year, as a special prize, The winning team will receive a five-night stay At my vacation home in Mooseattackee, Maine.

With miles of trails, it is one of Maine’s Premiere hiking destinations.

And you’re only a short bike ride away From its quaint downtown.

Let your cares melt away as you paddle across serene Lake June.

Peter, that place in Maine is amazing.

It looks like a Stephen King book Before anything bad happens.

Hi, Gary, how’s it going? How’s Brenda?

Oh, she’s great. Uh, just alive, super alive.

How are the boys?

Yep, all alive.

Children and pets all alive And acting like normal children and pets.

That’s great. H–hey, have you met That new stranger from not here?

Nope. See you tomorrow definitely.

Peter, we got to win this vacation, But there are so many other teams.

Relax, Lois. I brought a hardboiled egg, So while all the other teams are getting eliminated, We can just play an “angry dad” game of catch.

So the school called to say they found pot in your locker.

You want to tell me about that?

Ow! I–I’m not sure what we’re doing, Peter.

So how’s that summer job hunt coming?

I don’t think they’re hiring in front of the TV all day.

Ow! That’s too hard.

You know what else is hard?

Waking up next to a woman you no longer love.

Try that on for size.

[indistinct chatter]

Peter, they’ve all been eliminated.

The game is over, but I think we should talk.

Yes! The Griffins are going to Maine.

And if that isn’t the perfect promo For the middle of a meaningless Vikingspackers game, I don’t know what is.

Announcer: And the players have gathered around Clark.

And we can only hope that his injury wasn’t too serious And we start to see some movement in those extremities.

And while we have this break in the action, This Sunday on an all-new family guy, The Griffins are going to Maine.

On right after an all-new Bob’s Burgers.

A family vacation in Maine.

My monogrammed canvas bag is gonna be so excited.

You said it, Lois.

I can’t wait to get stuffed with old sunscreens And emergency tampons.

Yo, a pool table?

Hell ya! I’m gonna be gettin’ all up in that.

How does one get “all up in” a pool table?

And, wow, look, it’s bigger than I thought.

So many bedrooms.

Yeah, with all that extra space, We could invite our friends along.

Quagmire, Joe and Bonnie, Cleveland and his family.

The whole gang could come.


Do you think everyone would enjoy it?

Lois, do you know what’s up in Maine?

Art’s trading post.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to go up there To see the trained bear show.

They ride bikes, they wear Dracula fangs Seasonally and then there’s one part Where Nipsy the brown bear pretends to smoke a cigar.

And I’m not even kidding.

Ah, I don’t know, Peter.

It’s a lot of people under one roof.

Come on, Lois, this is our big chance To yell at kids who aren’t ours.

You know what? Let’s do it.

I think Bonnie’s gained five pounds, And I want to see her in a swimsuit.

While we’re on the subject of Mrs. Swanson and swimsuits, Question: If Mrs. Swanson goes swimming, Then hangs her bathing suit to dry in the bathroom,

Am I allowed to wring the water into a cup?

And do what with it?


Do not concern yourself with what happens to the water Once it’s in the cup. Am I allowed?

Uh, I’m gonna say no.

All right, well, the guy from Reddit already paid For the water, but I’ll–I’ll figure something out.

I’ve been waiting a long time for this trip, Brian.

To come to Maine? Huh.

I didn’t think you were much of an outdoorsman.

[scoffs] The outdoors can get stuffed.

We’re near Kennebunkport, Home of the Bush family compound And, according to Dowdy magazine, The very place where Barbara Bush picked That one haircut 40 years ago And never looked back. See?

The perfect, coiffed, lady fro.

I hear tell that she brought a Quaker oats box Into the salon and said, “this.”

Uh oh, no pavement, lot of rocks and roots.

Good thing Joe brought his New offroad tires!

I didn’t pack the tires.



All right, gang, time to head inside.

Now one quick heads-up.

Every room has a lake view except one.

Somebody’s gonna have to look out

Over that girls’ volleyball camp next door.

Nice serve, Stacy.

What did I tell ya, Lois?

Look at all those big smiles and Cleveland Jr., no wet feet on the hardwood floor!

This is gonna be a great week.

Hey, Peter, will you call your boss?

For what? I don’t want to bug him already.

He wrote the wifi password in a font Where the big letter I’s and the l juniors are the same thing.

I can’t make heads or tails of it.

Are you calling Preston? Ask him about the towel sitch.

I could only find three and you’re gonna need those To clean the soda off the pool table.

We already spilled on the pool table?

Yeah, Meg was really gettin’ all up in it.

Hey, Peter? Uh, someone either laid a giant turd Or tried to flush a russet potato down the toilet.

It’s totally clogged.

Announcer: And Clark, still unresponsive, Being carted off the field and into an ambulance.

This week’s family guy: Someone lays a giant turd.

It’s the single largest defecate I ever saw.

Should we try flushing it again as a show of force?

Nah, Chris, that’ll only make it angry.

Okay, here’s the situation: A stubborn BM Is blocking up our main toilet.

I can’t find a plunger, so whoever did it needs to get in there with a dishwashing glove And punch it through. So who was it?

Say, Chris, that looks like a fresh rim of sweat on your hat.

Wouldn’t happen to be “pushing sweat,” would it?

What? No! I was reading a chapter book.

Meg, you’re generally gross.

Anything you want to fess up to?

Nope. I’m “dogging it” this month for the environment.

That means I only go outside.

Saves water, feeds the soil, turns a few heads at the same time.

Okay, this is disgusting.

D–does it really matter who did it?

I’d kind of like to know.

Yeah, we should at least make sure They don’t need medical attention.

Well, I’d like to get on with my vacation.

There’s got to be a plunger around here somewhere.

Peter, come on, help me look.

Okay, listen up, we don’t have much time.

It was me, Peter. I clogged the toilet.

That was you? How is that even possible?

[groans] it was all that fibery mom cereal The view told us to eat.

That turd has joy behar’s fingerprints all over it.

But I need you to take the fall for me.

Uh, I don’t know, Lois.

Even for a husky guy like me, It’s shamefully large.

I know! That’s why I need your help.

That is not a poop a woman can come back from.

Look, you take the blame, and I’ll let you get two souvenirs at the bear show.

It’s not gonna be, like, like, like, books, is it?


All right, everybody, listen up.

I’m the one who clogged the toilet.

[all clamoring in disgust]

Oh, great! As if that little slug of yours Isn’t embarrassing enough.

Sorry, I have to make this believable.

So it’s big?


Let’s just get through this, huh?

[to the tune of “Reveille”] ♪ giggity-giggity ♪

♪ giggity-giggity, giggig, giggity, geegee ♪

♪ giggiggiggity giggiggiggity, geegee. ♪

What the hell is happening?!

Life, Peter. That’s what’s happening.

I’ve put together a whole itinerary of adventures For our week.

Wow, this is very detailed.

“6:27, read ‘6:27’ on daily schedule.”

Right on schedule.

Hey, why’s some of this stuff highlighted in green, But my bear show is in yellow?

Because the bear show is priority yellow.

[laughing] A bear, a bear show would never be priority green.

All right, as long as it’s on there, I guess.

Now to put on a pair of shorts I never wear at home, But packed for vacation, hoping they’d magically fit.



Announcer: Vacation: Let’s just pack The stuff we’re sure fits.

[inhales deeply]


You guys smell that?

You smell that air?

[all inhale, exhale]

Peter, you still back there?

I don’t hear you smelling that air.

[panting] Yeah, I’m here.

I’m just having a hard time on the one-bike That was stored under the deck all winter Instead of in the garage. [sighs]

We’ve been at this all morning.

Is it time to go to the bear show yet?

Soon, Peter. But before that, The itinerary has us going to a must-visit local market That no local has ever stepped foot in.

Now, be sure to put your bikes down in a place That blocks the path of people just trying to live their lives.

[crowd clamoring]

We’re doing vacation really good, you guys.

God, I hate these stores.

They’re so tiny, so the owner’s Right on top of you the whole time.

Can I wrap that for you?

Hoda kotb!

Oh, you’re such a tourist. Here, follow my lead.

You know how it’s typically rude to talk To people about their finances?


Well, in a small town market, you can come right out And ask the owner if he makes enough money to feed his family.

You just have to do it in the voice white ladies use With people who don’t speak English.

Was it a good tourist season, Or will your children go without?

This business you’ve dedicated your life to Is very cute to me.

Isn’t this fun, Peter?

Now don’t forget to say “bye” like the world’s biggest ass.

[highpitched] bye! Buhbye, bye.

♪ ♪

How are those burgers coming along?

Fine, I guess.

Well, thanks for volunteering to cook.

I didn’t volunteer.

Everyone just called me “grill master” Until I submitted.

[laughs] spoken like a true grill master.

Whatever. Hey, everybody, we got to eat quick If we’re gonna catch the bear show.

They’re kept on a Robitussin and Zoloft-heavy diet, So they fall asleep pretty early.

Okay, I’ll tell Chris. He’s down at the dock fishing.

There he is, the bait master.

I think I misunderstood the assignment.

Well, let’s see what you caught.

I wouldn’t look in the bucket.

I’m sorry, we closed 20 minutes ago.

What? Wait a minute, if you closed 20 minutes ago, Why are you just flipping the sign now?

Owner said I had to wait to flip it Until it would devastate a fat guy.

I told him he was crazy, but you look pretty upset.

That’s why he’s the boss.

What’s going on, Peter?

They’re closed, that’s what’s going on.

And now we got to come all the way back here tomorrow.

Oh, we’re actually closed permanently.

After decades of very valid animal cruelty complaints, It was easier to shut down than to

Keep cleaning fake peta blood off our clothes.

I’m sorry, what?

Yeah, honestly, it’s a miracle They let us go as long as we did.

There’s not a single license or permit for this whole thing.

One day, we just started putting bears on pogo sticks And no one ever told us to stop.

This can’t be happening.

Sorry, you should’ve been here earlier For the bear flash sale. I was strapping ’em to People’s cars like Christmas trees.

See, that guy got one.

By the end, we didn’t even charge people.

We were just giving the bears away.

[echoing] just giving the bears away.

Just giving the bears away. Just giving the bears away.

Sorry you didn’t see the bears, Peter, But Quagmire has us going blueberry picking tomorrow.

Maybe you’ll see a bear then.

I do not want to see a wild bear, Lois.

I want to see a unicycle bear in a fez.

You know, I still don’t really get it.

A bear on a unicycle?

It sounds kind of dumb.

It’s not dumb. It’s hilarious

And it’s the only thing I wanted to do this entire trip.

You know, if I remember correctly, Part of our deal was I get two souvenirs From the bear show. Well, I’m looking around And I don’t see any plastic bear heads on sticks That I can make bite things.

That means I get to tell everyone it was you Who clogged the toilet.

[all gasp]

Lois, that was you?

But it had such a man stink.

You know what, Donna? Going in the bathroom after you Ain’t exactly a walk through the rose garden, So I’d be quiet right about now.

Don’t listen to him, Donna.

We think your movements smell very ladylike.

Isn’t that right, kids?

Oh, of course, ’cause you all agree on everything.

Just the perfect family, aren’t you?

News flash: Normal families fight And like spending time away from each other.

Sir? Sir? I’m gonna need you to calm down, sir.

Stop acting like a real cop, Joe.

Your right leg is in a knot.

Uh, yeah,

They got a little tangled When Bonnie dipped me In the lake.

God, I can’t believe I thought it’d be a good idea To bring you people on this trip.

The only reason I still talk to any of you Is ’cause we live on the same street.

And after this week, I am seriously considering a move.

Peter, Peter. I’m sorry, but 7:05 sunset, So I need to simulate more trumpet songs with “giggity.”

[to the tune of “taps”] ♪ giggity ♪

♪ Giggity. ♪

Give me that thing.

Oh, no. How will you distract yourself From the fact that you’re gonna die alone Without your precious itinerary?


Aah! Son of a–


[all gasp]

[panicked shouting]


Oh, my god. The cabin’s on fire.


Hey, thanks for coming out. Guess all that’s left to do Is get a picture of me in the truck And, uh, you fellas can be on your way.

Oh, god, look at this place.

If Preston finds out I torched his house, I’m screwed, you guys.

We got to fix this fast.

But I’m sure it’s nothing A resourceful group of best friends like us can’t handle, right?

♪ ♪

Look, I know Peter said some very mean things,

But what’s important right now is that no one was hurt.

That’s not entirely true, Lois.

Your reusable grocery bags didn’t make it.

[scoffs] What?

Your bags, they were lost in the fire.

No. No.




You son of a bitch, Peter Griffin!

What have you done?

I will never forgive you for this.

Do you hear me?

[sobbing] I will never forgive you.

♪ ♪

Well, Peter, you made it crystal clear We’re no longer wanted, so we’ll leave you be.

Yeah, you can deal with this mess on your own.

Let’s go, everybody.

[car doors closing]

[engines starting]

Why aren’t we moving?

We got to wait for Joe to back out of the driveway ’cause he pulled in last.

Sorry. If I knew you were doing a big, dramatic exit, I would’ve rearranged the cars this morning.

You mind if I wait till I’m all the way in to tell you off?

Yeah, that’s fine.

Shame on you, Peter.

It is people like you who–

[car horn honking]

[Quagmire] Go!

♪ ♪

All right, Peter, don’t panic.

You got till the end of the week to fix this.

Maybe there’s an online tutorial that’ll help.

What’s going on, guys?

I’m Corey, from “Corey’s world.”

Today I’m gonna show you how to patch a big hole In your boss’s cabin. Here’s what you’ll need: [fading] a drywall saw, tape measure…

[Peter] Shoot, what did he say?

Turn off the power so you don’t Drill into a live wire like my stepdad Todd.

Now our spoons move When he walks in the kitchen.

To do that…

[Peter] gerbils can’t sing opera.

Damn it, Peter, focus.

Your job is on the lin–

[mouse button clicks]

[singing “o sole mio”]

[laughs] Aw, touché, “recommended videos.”

I know you’re leading me down a rabbit hole To ISIS beheadings, but this was a bull’s eye.

[phone rings]

Preston. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you For a couple of days.

Yes, well, I realized I only provided three towels for the entire cabin, So I’m on my way to deliver more.

Oh, you don’t have to come all the way up here just for that.

Unfortunately, I do.

My OCD won’t allow me to stop… [clicks tongue] clicking Until the cabin has 15 towels.

Well, I should let you go.

A new car is in front of me and I need to… [clicks tongue] Do math problems with its license plate number.

♪ ♪

All right, everything I need to get out of this mess Is right here. Power drill, level, Circular saw. Perfect.

How can Preston fire me If he can’t get inside?

[wind gusts]

Ah! My defenses are down.

[car approaching]

Oh, no.

He’s here. [sighs]

Well, I guess it’s time to face the music.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to help you, Peter.

And it’s not just us.

♪ ♪

Did we time it right?

Did you say “not just us” Before we pulled over the horizon?

Yeah, it was perfect.

Yes. That is why we practiced In the Walmart parking lot.

But I was such a jerk to all of you.

Why would you help me now?

Lois says you were the one pushing to Invite us on the trip at all.

Called us your best friends.

And we should’ve made a better effort to Get to your bear show, instead of making the trip All about what we wanted to do.

Yeah, and we left without any of our chargers.

If it was just the blocks, you know, big whoop-de-doo, But it was the wires, too.

So, what do you say?

Can we help you fix the cabin, Peter?

I’d like that.

Now, let’s go chop down Some ancient pine trees To save this millionaire’s vacation home.

[all] yeah!

The chimney has proved stalwart.

Well, that’s Preston.

I’m sorry for what I said.

Only true friends would come back to help the way you did, And that’s all that matters.

True friends will also stay To watch their friend get fired.

Thanks, guys.

I’ll probably cry.

That’s okay. It’ll make a better TikTok.

Griffin, what the hell?

My cabin. It’s completely destroyed.

[crying] I’m so sorry, Preston, But you got to know this was completely my fault.

My friends and family were the perfect guests, And they had nothing to do with it.

If you want to fire me, Or issue some Maine justice And clamp some lobsters to my nipples, I understand.

Peter, you don’t understand.

I hate it up here.

The smalltown pace, the pressure to relax, The barn owl that pushed my wife down a staircase.

I don’t get it. Then why have the cabin at all?

An address in Maine allowed me to establish An ethically dubious, but technically legal shell company.

But now, with the money I’ll save From taking a casualty deduction on the destroyed property, I won’t need that.


Hey, Preston, I know the cabin’s a mess, But we still got three days in the prize week.

Could we finish out our trip here in Maine? Together?

I don’t see why not.

[bird calls]

[announcer] Maine: A day and a half is probably enough.

Well, we had our troubles, But I’m glad we’re back at home, safe and sound.

Peter, what are you talking about? This is all a dream.

You had a stress heart attack during the egg toss.


Poor Darren.


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