Family Guy – S22E09 – The Return of the King (of Queens) | Transcript

Lois sells the Griffins' TV to pay for Christmas presents, but Kevin James appears in the house when he gets upset over losing Peter as a viewer
Family Guy - S22E09 - The Return of the King (of Queens)

Original air date: December 17, 2023

Lois sells the Griffins’ TV in order to afford Christmas presents, much to the chagrin of Peter, who prefers network television over streaming services. Following some convincing from everyone, including Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire, Peter decides to give Netflix a try, but is interrupted by Kevin James, who is now unemployed due to Peter, his last viewer, losing access to his TV. Peter agrees to let him crash at the Griffins’ house after noticing how he is stick in sitcom mode, promising to teach him how to live like a real-world man. Despite succeeding at this, James finds that his body is evaporating, which according to Dr. Hartman, is due to him losing relevancy. Knowing that adulation from a live audience can cure his condition, the two start pitching sitcom ideas for him alongside Brian and the kids. When Lois notifies them about the upcoming Nativity play at Town Hall, Peter gets the idea to have James star in the play. The plan almost fails until Peter wins the crowd over with a speech about the benefits of network TV, which helps James get his body back. As various old sitcom stars emerge from a cornfield, various TV executives including Les Moonves arrive and offer James some new work. With his career revived, he rises into the sky and disappears in a burst of stars. The episode ends with Stewie and Brian pitching their sitcom idea from the earlier brainstorming session, only to find that Chris’ idea won over the executives first.

* * *

There you are, Peter. Help me hang the stockings. Not now, Lois. It’s time for my favorite holiday movie, Frosty the snowman, where a hero takes a little girl into the woods and then brags that he can disappear whenever he wants. Huh. I can’t see the TV. I must be dreaming. Which means nothing’s real!


[gasps, groaning]

No, Peter, stop! You’re not dreaming!

Yeah, and why was that your first move?

The TV’s gone. We’re cutting the cord. We need money for Christmas gifts, so I sold it.

What?! This rageful anger calls for alcohol! [gulping] Where’s Brian?

Peter, stop it.

What am I supposed to do without a TV? Hang out at the Gap?

Could you please point me to your blandest shirt? One that I’m guaranteed to see four other guys wearing before I even get to my car.

Sure, it’s right over there. Just be careful while you’re browsing that you don’t lose track of which white guy is you.

Oh, that looks good on me.

[announcer] The Gap, the only clothing store named for a taint. Located between Vera Wang and the rocky mountain chocolate factory.

Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don’t need a television anymore.

Yeah, dad. A single TV console is outdated. Everyone just streams now on their individual devices.

Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?

Dad, I’m just trying to bring you into the modern era.

I see.



[man] Quiet up there!

Sorry! Just demonstrating I’m still relevant by making a very old movie reference!

Peter, Meg was right. We don’t need a TV in the golden age of streaming.

“Golden age of streaming”? Look, my streams are sporadic at best. And last week, there was blood.

Can we have one holiday where we don’t discuss Dad’s rod?

Besides, all my shows are on network television. How the hell am I supposed to watch Chicago Fire without a TV?

Who cares? It’s a lazy, formulaic show. And it’s not even filmed in Chicago.

Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys putting out a blaze this week in the famed Chicago hills. It almost burned down the Chicagowood sign!

Peter, stop it. God, you’re going in circles, like a desert vulture.

Hey, maybe we shouldn’t always fly in a circle.

Sure. And maybe I can also have rough sex with your mother.

Whoa! Come on.

Well, that’s how I feel about your idea.

[announcer] We now return to Frosty the Snowman.

There was indeed some magic in that old silk hat, along with duct tape, zip ties and some very troubling polaroids.

See? This is the kind of wholesome stuff I’ll miss without a TV.

Lois is right, Peter. Network television stinks. Streaming is way more entertaining.

Yeah? Name one good show on “streaming.”

Mare of Easttown!


True Detective.

American Rust!


That isn’t about a person attempting to navigate life in a small town in the aftermath of a murder.

Look, come on, just-just give streaming a chance. Don’t you want to watch something where, if you miss even a second, you’re hopelessly confused?

Yeah! Or a great premise, which puts a lot of balls in the air, followed by a horribly disappointing ending that drops all of them?

And on HBO Max, sometimes after the credits, you can watch the actors talk about the show.

Yeah, I don’t just want to see Connie Britton do a good job. I want to see Connie Britton talking about the good job she just did.

You know what I’m not hearing, guys? Cedric the Entertainer telling a white guy that he doesn’t walk the right way.

Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now.

And you also haven’t told me about a single show with Sheldon. For every program, I want to know, is there a Sheldon And at what stage of life is he? He is the perfect dumb guy’s version of a smart guy. And I demand him on my television!

All right. I think I see how to untangle this knot. Last Tango in Halifax.


You’ve never heard of Tango? Well, Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi play Celia and Alan, a couple reunited in their 70s after 60 years apart. Sarah Lancashire plays Celia’s formidable daughter, Caroline. And– [screams]


Look, guys, I j I don’t like gritty, convoluted television. I like the simple, comforting joy of network TV.

Peter, the point of TV isn’t joy anymore. It’s to destroy you emotionally. Who the hell wants to watch something happy when you can watch Koreans fight to the death?

Well, I disagree. And I’m not letting Lois get away with this. ‘Cause I miss my shows. Like the comedy of blackish or those classic New York conversations at the beginning of Law & Order.

Hey, you see that Aaron Judge baseball hit last night?

Sure did. Right here in one of our five boroughs.

Oh, no! I bet you a slice of New York pizza pie he’s dead!

I can’t believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. God, we’re trash.

What? Where’s the fridge?

I sold it. You get rid of the things I love, I get rid of the things you love. I also sold that tiny Jewish hat you keep in the bathroom.

That was my diaphragm.

Ah. Well, Mort’s gonna have a rough day at temple.

Look, just give streaming a shot. After all, it can’t be any worse than when we went to the Florida Panhandle.

Mmm. Ah, this shrimp is delicious. [chuckles]

[gasps, choking]

Oh, god, my wife’s choking! Is there a doctor in the house?! College graduate? High school graduate? Some high school with vocational degree? Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it!

[screaming, shouting]

Well, I guess it’s time to try this streaming thing. Hey, what’s our Netflix password?

Uh, I don’t know. I use Quagmire’s.

Squirrel hunter? The truth about kicking your leg during sleep? Only the Otis scenes of Milo and Otis? And thirsty Romanian coeds. All right!

We do have some overlap.

Okay, I guess I’ll click “forgot password.” Now it’s asking me to pick all the stoplights in a picture. Huh. A stoplight in front of a movie theater with a marquee reading spotlight. This might be a trick. All right, “what is the first concert you attended?” “Smash mouth, the time they got bread thrown at them.” “Favorite pet?”

Wait, you’re not gonna write “Bartholomew,” are you?

No, no, no. I would never do that.

♪ Bartholomew, Bartholomew ♪

♪ I’m dancing with my favorite dog, Bartholomew! ♪


Kevin James?!

Hi, Peter. You were my last viewer. [chuckles] And now that you’ve gotten rid of network TV, I’m out of a job.

Well, you’re a sitcom dad, so if the couch accepts you, you can come in.


[giggles] Road couch.

Wow! Kevin James! I can’t believe you’re here! Hey, guys, we got company! No nude wandering!

Well, so much for full-frontal Fridays.

Wait, triple “f” is a nogo?

Look, I’m here because now that I don’t have any viewers or a job, I need you to take care of me.

What, is that some kind of rule?

Of course it is, Lois. In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, You have to take care of ’em. It’s the pilot of most shows.

Oh, really? Name 50.

New girl, two and a half men, Punky brewster, perfect strangers, Frasier, will & grace, Friends, joey, home economics, Mom, dads, cheers, Hope & faith, raising hope, Full house, fuller house, King of queens…

That’s good. I-I think we get it.

Oh, no, no. No, this is a “name all 50” kind of show. Too close for comfort, mork & mindy, The nanny, mr. Belvedere, The united states of al, yes, dear, Down and out in beverly hills, the TV series, Rhoda, golden girls, Alf, meego, empty nest, Wings, my two dads, Evening shade, I dream of jeannie, Off centre, webster, The bernie mac show, the return of jezebel James, Aliens in america, last man on earth, Union square, bram & alice, The grinder, bleep my dad says, The fresh prince of belair, Damon, happy endings, Big brother jake, three’s company, Mama’s family and who’s the boss?

Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.

[sighs heavily] Silver spoons, the odd couple, The new odd couple… Diff’rent strokes and


Oh, my god! She hung herself!

Nah, nah, that’s from Airplane. We do that kind of stuff, too. You can stay.

Family, meet Kevin.

Wow! I guess black dress shirts aren’t just for magicians.

[quietly] Peter, you can’t just invite him to stay here.

Come on, Lois. When you got rid of the TV, did you really think it wouldn’t end with me bunking with Kevin James?

So, Kevin, what’s Mandy Patinkin like?

Uh, I don’t know. Never met him.

I thought you said this guy was a [bleep] star.

Hey, Brian, when are you going to try to impress our Hollywood guest with your writerly chops? Uh, your mouth’s moving! You’re already rehearsing it.

So, Kevin, the Hollywood game can be pretty tough, huh?

Do you have Hollywood experience?

[chuckling] Well, actually–

He sure does! We went out there once, And on day one, Brian bit a culkin. Tried to pet him without showing his hand first And, boom, fingers gone.

I need to see the hand! It’s how I know he’s not an aggressor.

Kevin, I don’t understand. How can you be out of work? You’re not just a television actor You’re a movie star!

Movie star? [chuckles] Come on. I mean, I guess Paul Blart did make 200 million on a shoestring budget, I was the single most bankable comedy actor of the last two decades and the audience score on grown-ups was very respectable.

Eh, the last one doesn’t seem to measure up with the first two.

But everything I had was because people knew me from network TV. And now that’s over. So, Peter, what are we gonna do after dinner? Get a large bowl of popcorn And watch the big game in our sports uniforms?

Yeah, Kevin, uh, I think You’ve only watched sporting events on TV shows. Nobody calls it “the big game” Or makes a large bowl of popcorn.

But then what’s gonna fly all over the place when we get excited?

[giggles] Okay. A-all right, all right, that’s fair.

All right, look, Kevin can stay for dinner, But then he has to leave.

But he doesn’t have anywhere else to go! And this whole thing is our fault. Come on, look at him he’s got no idea what life outside of sitcoms is like. I tell you what I’ll show him how to be a real real guy And not just a sitcom real guy, And then he’ll be on his way.

[sighs] Fine. I guess I can’t kick someone out on Christmas. But where’s he gonna sleep?

Don’t worry. I got that all figured out. You won’t even notice he’s there.


[canned laughter]

In network TV, what someone says won’t happen, that’s what’s gonna happen.

[canned laughter]

Hey, where’s Kevin? I thought we were gonna show him how regular guys drink.

We are, but he’s still adjusting, and he won’t enter a room until his warmup guy works the crowd.

So, where you folks from?


[chuckles] Oh, quahog.

I’ll talk a little slower.

Aw, he got me.

I’m just kidding. And, hey, thank you for your service.

Oh, I was never in the military.

I was talking to the booth holding you up.

Oh, damn it, he got me again! This guy’s too quick.

All right, everyone, Kevin’s gonna be out in a moment, so remember, he feeds off your energy. So the better you are, the better Kevin’s gonna be.

Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight.

Wait, he couldn’t just think of that?

And doesn’t Peter Griffin look handsome?

I took the cue cards. I grabbed him from behind too hard, and now he’s not moving.

Hey, Kevin, was that lady always pressuring you to join Scientology?

No. I’m a devout catholic, and that’s even weirder. Did you know that when unbaptized babies die, they go into limbo until the Pope said that wasn’t a thing anymore?

Yeah, my grandpa went to hell for eating meat on Fridays.

Worth it.

Well, Kevin, it’s time to teach you how real blue-collar guys pay real bills in real life. See this? It’s a mortgage bill. And this is how it gets paid.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, it’s Peter. Please pay my mortgage.

[Carter] Damn it, Griffin!

I’m crying, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I’m crying.

I know you’re crying. Act like a man.

I can’t. I’m not a man. And if you don’t pay it, I’m gonna hurt myself and your grandchildren.

Stop threatening me.

It’s not a threat if I do it. It’s not a threat if I do it.

Okay, okay, I’ll pay it.

Thank you.

All right, now to show you how to pay a utility bill.

[phone ringing]


Kevin, it’s Peter. I really messed up, man.

Good news. I got my first real job As an actual UPS guy. They said I was the last non-robot they’re ever gonna hire.

That’s great, buddy. You narrowly escaped becoming a realtor.

Hi. Are you the realtor for this property?

I am. I blew out my shoulder playing minor league baseball, so now I do this.

[announcer] Realtors: Never anyone’s plan A.

And I also started dating a woman wWho looks like she actually belongs with me. She has the most negative dating app page I’ve ever seen.

“Wants to know where all the good men are. Integrity only. I will not cosign a loan,” with the “not” underlined. And a picture of her dog that says, “the only man who’s never lied to me.” Oh, this is great.

Yeah, I think I’m a real real guy now, Peter.

You sure are. You see, Kev, nothing’s gonna stop you in the real world except for your own cardiovascular system.

Hey, I’m only heavy ’cause Adam Sandler made me gain 60 pounds to be in his movies. I was ethel to his Lucy. Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there.

Aah! What happened to your hand?

I-I don’t know. It-it’s disappearing.

Were you also bit by Brian?

[laughs] That’s the culkin.

Let me guess, one of you chuckleheads has a nutcracker inside you.

What? No.

Hi. We’re nonjudgmental interns just here to observe.

False alarm. Not what I thought.

[interns] Aww.

Whenever interns observe, It’s because we think you put something in there.

Listen, doctor, I need you to help my friend Kevin.

Oh, my god, Kevin James! You know, you owe your career to me. I’m the doctor who couldn’t save John Candy.

Doctor, my hand, it’s disappearing, And I don’t know what to do.

Kevin, your arm. It’s getting worse.

Hmm. I think I see what’s going on here.

Kevin is fading away Because streaming has made him irrelevant.

Is there anything we can do for him?

Yes. Sitcom stars like Kevin clearly need the laughs Of a studio audience, or he may disappear forever.

His hair was disappearing, too, But I assume he took care of that another way.

Is there someone I can talk to?

Ah, there’s our guy. Interns!

Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV. So ideas. Go.

Kevin plays a large robot, And it’s called Big Wonder.

[laughs] Not bad, not bad. Okay, what else?

A show in which Kevin moves in with a woman named Betsy, And it’s called Kevin to Betsy.

Or he’s the seventh in a long line of Kevins, For seventh Kevin.

Yeah, they don’t all have to be puns built around the name Kevin.

Guys, I think we were all laughing at Big Wonder.

We’re not doing Big Wonder.

Why? Because you didn’t think of it?

Chris, the brainstorming process is admittedly messy, but let’s try to stay away from personal attacks.

I have an idea. I’m a stepdad with six daughters, And it’s called Daddy’s Girls.

I don’t know. Not sure I see the hook.

And I trick them into washing my car in their bikinis while I hide in the backseat.

Okay, now I love it.

It’s not just funny, it’s smart.

You know, I’m on GoDaddy, and the domain name “big wonder” is available.

Chris, stop pushing this.

Oh, really? ‘Cause if Kevin pitched it, you’d put your mouth on him.

All right, that’s it. You’re grounded for life.

Which was also a fat dad sitcom.

[laughs] Okay, all right, we’ve made up.

I’ve got an idea. Kevin is a baker,

And he adopts 12 children.

The title writes itself.

Yeah, and the tagline is “he’s got muffin to lose.”

Okay, wow, all right, this is too good for Kevin.

We have to write this now.

You know why he’s a baker? Because he kneads the dough.

[laughs] I love this poster. I mean show.

Peter, my arm is almost gone now.

Oh, god, what are we gonna do?

Okay, come on, everyone.

It’s time to go to city hall for the tree lighting.

And Meg’s in the nativity play as the virgin Mary.

Wait a minute. The nativity play.

Kevin, I got an idea, and it’s my best idea since I put hockey ice in the kitchen.

[timer dings]

Yay, waffles.

Mine. Hockey house.

Everyone, change of plans.

This year we’re gonna do a twist on the usual story of the King of Kings, With the “King of Queens,” Kevin James.

Peter, this isn’t gonna work.

Sure it will. The doctor said You need live audience laughter.

The conceit is he’s a single dad with a baby.

[laughs] The conception may be immaculate,

But the diaper sure isn’t.


Get off the stage.

Network TV is stupid.

Why does Jerry Stiller have such a big chest?

Peter, my leg.

Come on, guys, network TV isn’t stupid.

Itit’s… It’s like the bible.

Sure, the plot doesn’t make sense If you think about it.

The characters are a little over the top.

Both tell the same tired stories again and again.

No one ever seems to learn their lesson.

And neither ever offers an authentic female point of view.

Oh, if I can add to that not now, Lois, I’m talking.

But the point is, network TV… It makes you feel good.

And when the rest of life is so exhausting and hard, Isn’t that all that’s important?

Peter, my other leg!

[soft laughter]

Yes. Kevin, keep going.

That went well.


Well, there’s the Star of Bethlehem, which is one more star than I’m giving this inn on Yelp.

[loud laughter]

Oh, that’s so funny.

I use Yelp.

Do you think Ben Stiller’s chest will pop out like his dad’s?

I just want to know what to expect.

See, isn’t this fun?

Everyone laughing together at the same simple thing,

Instead of all of us on our individual devices

Watching depressing, complicated bull crap?

We need Kevin James, and we need network TV.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her king… ♪

Peter, my limbs. They’re coming back.

And that’s not all. Look!

It’s old sitcom stars.

They’re coming out of the cornfield.

It’s Jenna Elfman.

Tony Danza.

And, uh…

Traylor Howard, from two guys and a girl.

Yeah, you’re not a star.

You shouldn’t be in the cornfield.

But I was also in the later seasons of Monk.

I see.



Now your list of credits includes castle.

Hi, I’m Les Moonves Chen.

And I’m hiding behind my wife’s name now.

Kevin, I’m looking for my own television comeback, And enough power that I can sexually harass doctors again.

And I’m anyone else.

I’ll go with you.

And to think I was about to kiss you.

Kevin, let’s go make a sitcom.

I can’t believe it.

I’m gonna be on TV again.

I’m going back to Hollywood.

[all gasp]

[gasps] He’s a Christmas miracle.

Can I please have my TV back now?

Yes, Peter, you can.

Yay! Kiss me, Lois.

And think about our marriage while we’re kissing.


♪ oh, Barkley, my Barkley ♪

♪ the other dog we had. ♪

And that’s baker’s dozen.

We’re hoping you say yes.

Or just roll with it.


Great pitch, guys.

This is exactly the kind of tagline-driven comedy we’re looking for.


The only problem is we’ve already committed to another project:

Big wonder.

Thank you, gentlemen.


He owns the rights to the domain name.

That’s a big deal in our world.

Fine. We don’t need you.

We’ll take this down the hall to Scott Rudin.

[loud crash]

He threw a computer at me.

He didn’t even ask who I was.


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