Family Guy – S22E06 – Boston Stewie | Transcript

Stewie tries to civilize his half-brother so the half-brother can get adopted; Meg and Chris start an online venture in which Chris gets paid to sit on and smash cupcakes.
Family Guy - S22E06 - Boston Stewie

Original air date: November 19, 2023

While reading the mail, Stewie discovers that he has a half-sibling due to Lois donating eggs in 1997, and strives to seek them out. However, it turns out that this baby is a crass, orphaned thug from Boston, Massachusetts who only resembles Stewie physically. While letting him stay at the Griffins’ house for a while, Stewie uses his thuggery to push around the adults in his life, but Boston Stewie expresses his desire to be adopted after seeing Stewie get a kiss from Lois. Stewie spends the next week cleaning up his counterpart’s act and following a misstep with one potential couple at the adoption fair, Boston Stewie is taken in by Mark Wahlberg’s seven sisters. Meanwhile, Meg attempts to humiliate Chris after he sits on some cupcakes she made by posting a picture of the mess online. After the post goes viral, the two decide to start a FansOnly where Chris will sit on food to earn money. Chris later blows up and quits after noticing the mixed reception, stressful environment, and knee stuff requests. Peter steps in as a substitute, but his demands drive Meg crazy. Chris decides to continue sitting on food for money in the vein of a prostitute, but when he feels undervalued, Meg reassures him that he is valuable and the two make up by sitting on cupcakes together and shutting down their venture.

* * *

Hey, Meg, what’s with the cupcakes?

I’m celebrating.

Oh, last night I had my period or miscarriage. Not sure which. Either way, happy un-birthday.

Where’s my phone? I got to text Patty and let her know she can have half of these for her cat’s funeral.

Coltrane’s wake is gonna be lit. Pics to follow. What the hell? What happened?

[phone chimes]

Hey, Meg, no turkey dinner is complete without a little under-nut squash.


What a jerk. Oh, well. Time to go transport a Texas resident to her reproductive health appointment.

Okay, Brian, let’s play another round Of my favorite game: Read Lois’ mail And laugh at her sad life. Uhp, Fall Lane Bryant catalog. Looks like we’ll be getting some cranberry pants In the mail. “Fertility Bank of New England.” Oh, this one I’ve got to see.

“Dear Lois Pewterschmidt, thank you again for your compensated donation of ten eggs in 1997. this letter is to inform you that the nine remaining eggs Have been destroyed for lack of interest.”

What? Let me see that.

Oh, this is so perfect. The old slag literally sold her body for money.

All right, let’s not judge her. She was trying to earn a little extra money in college And I wonder what human eggs taste like.

Wait a second. The nine remaining eggs? Lois donated ten eggs. If there were nine remaining, that means one of them was used?

Hate how much I want to try human eggs right now.

Brian, listen: I have a lost half-sibling. He or she is just out there someplace. Why, I haven’t been this shocked since Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.

Chris, what did you do to this box?

It’s not called a “jack elsewhere.”

Oh, it’s master. Here, master. Master may change the TV to a channel that pleases her.

Uh, what’s going on?

Master’s latest social media post Has become popular on the internet, So now Master rules the family.

What are you talking about?

[phone chimes]

Oh, my god! This cupcake video got 20,000 likes.

Only likes matter. Likes rule all.

Wow, look at all these comments. People are saying I should get Chris a FansOnly page. What’s FansOnly?

It’s a fetish website where amateurs post racy videos That subscribers pay to see.

Wait, people would pay money To watch a husky teen sit on food?

Oh, yeah. Very much so.

Um, would you be interested? I could set everything up and handle the administrative side. You could just sit on stuff. We’d split the profits.

You think you’re the first person To pitch me a crush fetish website? Go get a business plan, some seed capital and an S-corp registered in the state of Delaware, and then maybe we’ll talk.

♪ not everything has to be ♪

♪ a montage ♪

♪ Meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪

♪ is not very interesting ♪

♪ but the guy who drew this ♪

♪ worked very hard ♪

♪ so we don’t have the heart ♪

♪ to cut it now ♪

♪ especially since that guy ♪

♪ recently lost custody ♪

♪ of his children. ♪

I’m in.


Rupert, I can’t stop thinking about the fact That I’ve got a sibling out there someplace. So, today I will hack into the world’s most sophisticated surveillance networks, Scan for Pewterschmidt DNA markers From Lois’ donated egg, locate my comrade, -And together, we shall be unstopa– -[facetime ringing]

Stewie! Tell mommy that daddy fell!

Aha. We have a match. In Cambridge, Massachusetts. Of course. Someone sharing my DNA may well be a scholar at Harvard or MIT. Or tufts. Oh, come on, the sat is not biased against bears. Jewish bears? You’re Jewish? No, it’s fine, it’s just… It’s just the kind of thing you tell someone.

Supposedly, one of these eggheads Is my brother or sister, Rupert. But which one? And how will we find each other? Perhaps we share mannerisms.

Hey, “damn you all.” yeah? “curse you, vile woman.” am I right? “victory shall be mine”? You know? Anything? That was big in the ’90s. [sighs] I don’t understand. My genius Harvard sibling should be right here.


[Boston accent] Eat my wizz, you Harvard fruit bags.


Oh, my god, that must be him. And, hey, don’t do that. Harvard is a respected institution That only produces our nation’s finest.

♪ the boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪

♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪

Our apologies to the Unabomber. It was a cheap shot to include him.

[Boston accent] So you and me got some of the same DNA on account of your mom sold off her inside parts? Dude, that’s bizarre.

Mm, quite.

Yeah, my mom didn’t like how I came out, so she left me in an orphanage, but nobody was adopting me, so screw that. Got out of there, moved under the Fenway stands. I survive on racist bleacher farts.

That’s great. Now, I don’t suppose you have A hidden cache of advanced weaponry And plans for global conquest?

Nah, but you know what I do got? A list of five movies that I cry at the end of. Number one, Braveheart.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, that one gets me.

That gets me. Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry. Guy builds up the whole empire and just dies, right? Uh, number three, Dodgeball. Everybody looks past those guys. Nobody believed in ’em. Couldn’t catch for nothing. I tell you, Justin Long– he couldn’t catch a cold and still, they win the thing, you know? Here I go.

Camera’s rolling. You can go when you’re ready.

Welcome, FansOnly subscribers. My dad fell in the shower, so we kinda need the money. [grunts] Ah. Thank you.

Wow. That was great. How was that for you?

It was amazing. We just created art in front of our fans. I wonder if this is how French pointillist painter Georges Seurat felt.

[all] Oh… Yeah! Oh… Yeah!

No way. Orange. Orange, you guys.

Oh… Yeah! Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!

What did I miss? Were the dots tiny?

Oh, my god, so tiny.

All right, here’s my house. See? Anyway, it’s been nice to meet you, but I’m very busy today.

No way. How come your house ain’t attached to two other houses on either side? There can be just one house?

Um, I guess.

And where’s your American flag But with blue stripes for cops?

I don’t know, man, but listen, You can stay for just a few minutes.

No way, you got crazy straws?

No, no, no, those are the fat man’s. He likes to pretend his juice is on a roller coaster.

I don’t care, I’m using one.

All right, Capri Suns, Who’s ready to ride Thunder Mountain?

Stewie, what the hell are you doing? You know the crazy straws are only for daddy.

Up yours, old man.

That’s it. I’d give you the belt, but I wore A 1990s braided belt today, And I like how it makes me look like Blossom’s dad.

Yeah? How about I give you the belt?

Aah! Stop it! You’re hurting me.

Yeah, take that. I’ll drink out of any straw I want, you piece of crap. You hear me?

I need that belt. I’m taking my LinkedIn photo later.


Hmm. Turns out this thug May actually be useful to me. Well, isn’t that a surprise? Like the Japanese attack on David Harbour.

Hi, Kenji Mifune, Tokyo daily. Why do you always look like you just woke up in a dumpster?

All right, Rupert, time to make use Of that crude Boston body double. Here we go.

Lois, I’d like to request A later bedtime, please. I’m a big boy now, and I think I can make it to 6:45.

Go away, Stewie, mommy’s looking at Real estate listings and dreaming of Any life other than this.

I see. All right, then.

[furniture crashing, glass breaking]

[Lois crying out]

Your new bedtime is whenever you f*cking want.

Splendid! I also have a school-related task for you.

Um, class, I-I know teacher Jeremy said everyone would get a turn as classroom star of the week, But new plan. Uh, Stewie will now be Star of the Week every week. Also, instead of circle time, we’re just gonna watch TV dramas Where Dennis Leary plays a fireman.

That’s a pretty smart cookie, that teacher Jeremy.

But right now we’re gonna do show and tell. Who wants to go fir– Stewie. Uh, let’s do Stewie.

Oh, god, I don’t got nothing prepared. Let me see what I got in my pockets here. Um, here’s a Cumberland Farms reward card. Shotgun shell full of shark teeth. Donnie Wahlberg’s actual cigar cutter, key card for my ex-girlfriend’s parking garage. Zippo lighter I got in Cancun. I friggin’ love Cancun. I don’t know why you’d go anywhere else. Uh, flat, dry condom in case Charlene’s ovulating. Uh, clipping of a newspaper story where I’m quoted about a house fire. And a bloody shoe from the marathon bombing I keep in a Caldor’s bag in my closet. Any questions?

That’s smushboy15. He’s gross.

He’ll sit on anything. He’s a sit slut.

He’s also really good at hearing the whispers Of nearby diners.

Excuse me, smushboy. I-I’m wondering if you could come over And sit on my wife’s avocado?

Come on, man, I’m out with my family.

You Hollywood celebrities! Sheesh! Don’t meet your heroes, huh?

[inhales, exhales deeply]

Okay, everyone, this is another smushboy livestream. Let’s try to play nice this time, okay?

[man] Hey, uh, squash that brownie with your knee.

I don’t do knee stuff. I told you guys that from the beginning. Geez.

What the hell, Chris? You’ve had a crummy attitude from the moment You walked in here this morning.

Well, duh. The moment I walk in You start running new pie designs at me. What do we do with pie designs, Meg? Huh? What do we do?

Email them to Tristan.

Email them to Tristan. Look, I don’t like being a broken record here, But why do we have those Monday meetings If nobody’s gonna follow the process? Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello? You know what, guys, if you can’t start Sorting these things out, I don’t see how we can even Do summer Fridays anymore. Oh, now you’re paying attention.

Chris, you can’t talk to people like that.

Oh, fine. Then maybe I’ll talk like this. Everyone, I quit! Come along, multiple exotic pets symbolizing my spiritual corruption.

Good night, Stewie, at 11:45 p.m., Which is a bedtime that works for you. I love you, sweetie. Mwah.

Hey, that was kind of nice what just happened right there.

What do you mean?

Well, you got a kiss from your mom, And not just ’cause you blew into that tube That lets her start the car. You know, I always wanted to get adopted And have parents of my own. Heck, my old orphanage even has its annual Adoption fair next week, but Forget it, nobody wants to adopt A messed-up kid like me.

Hey, hey, hey. Can we not do shoes on my white area rug? And also, hey, hey, hey. You want to get adopted? I will help you get adopted.


Starting tomorrow, I will teach you how to be a normal, adoptable child.

Aw, dude, that’s awesome. All right, good night, kiddo. I’m gonna go hide out in the dry tub And watch your sister take a wizz.

Dad, thanks again for filling in After Chris got all big-headed and quit. I’m excited to start shooting these videos with you.

Yeah, um, about the videos– I couldn’t help but notice You’ve got me squatting on generic jell-o, Not the name brand.

Does it make a difference?

[laughs] Doe-does it make a difference? You’re-you’re adorable. And why am I snorting regular cocaine When I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine?

There’s no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine.

Yeah, tell that to Chris Farley‘s autopsy photo.

Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.

Yeah, that’s allergies. I’m allergic to bacon and cocaine. I tell you, this is the most unprofessional film set Since they cast Timothée Chalamet in Dune.

My father came, not for spice, Not for riches–

Whoa– wh-whoa!


Wind guy.

I told you guys He shouldn’t be in windy movies. Freakin’ told you, guys.

All right, we’ve got just one week To turn you into a normal, regular kid who can be adopted. Parents love reading a-b-c books with their little ones, So let’s practice that, shall we?

A, asswipe.

Okay, close, close. How about this one?

B, bastard.

We are oh-for-two. Yeah, I’m gonna skip c. Feel like I know what you’re gonna say for that. D, f. And I know you’re gonna go for that f. Not the usual f. Yeah, I’m not sure this is gonna work.

You’re, like, two hours late, dad.

I’m sorry Meg, but as an artist, I simply cannot create Until you are finished dry-cleaning All of my Halloween costumes.

I tried, But they couldn’t get the stain out of your Emperor Palpatine robe.

Take it someplace else. Take it everyplace else.


♪ we keep doing montages ♪

♪ about the wrong things ♪

♪ here’s another one we should have cut ♪

♪ but the guy who draws these up ♪

♪ and lost custody of his kids ♪

♪ he got a dui ♪

♪ since the last montage. ♪

[Chris sighs]

Chris, what are you doing? [sniffs] Why does it smell so bad in here?

Uh, well, my exotic pets Somehow all killed each other. Still not quite sure what the sequence was there. Anyway, Meg, I just want to say I’m really happy For you and dad that you’re doing that website together.

Uh, thanks, Chris.

No, thank you. I just wish I didn’t screw everything up, you know? Treated you like a carrot muffin I butt-smothered for money. But you’re not a carrot muffin, you’re my sister. And I forgot that.

It’s okay, Chris, I forgive you.

Hey, call out any Boston market sides. It’s Friday, and we’re gorgin’.

Told you, Stewie, nobody wants to adopt this loser.

Okay, look sharp. These people may be your last chance. Just do everything the way we rehearsed it.

Hey, little man, how are you?

I am fine and in good physical health.

Aw. What kind of toys do you like, sweetie?

Um, you know, a doll, because that’s okay for a boy, I’m told. But, you know, any-any toy’s fine. An outside ball for throwing inside. I mean, you know, whatever you got.

So sweet. Hey, What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I grow up, I want to be A body-cam-off police officer. I-I mean, just a regular police officer.

How would you like us to adopt you So that you can come live with us and be a Jets fan, not a Pats fan, because we are a Jets family.


[bleep] Jets are a straight [bleep] [bleep] franchise, bro. The last jet that actually mattered in NYC Is the one that hit the South Tower.

Whoa, whoa.

Okay, so that wasn’t a match.

I’m sorry. I really thought I could help you find A family of your own. What’s going on over there?

Holy crap, it’s Mark Wahlberg’s seven freckle-chested sisters from the fighter.

I’m sorry, ladies, you have to leave.

What? For why?

We caught you sneaking outside beers Into the adoption fair. If you’re going to be at the adoption fair You have to buy adoption fair beers.

Fine, we’ll drink in the parking lot. Whatever kid doesn’t get picked, Just leave him outside. Hey, April, check out that one.

Whoa, now that’s a good-looking Government subsidy right there.

Um, hi there.

Hey, bud. I see you got the same Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got. Want to come live with us? We live near an overpass and we got lots and lots of d batteries to throw.

Go on, get out of here. Have a great life with your seven moms.

Well, one of ’em will be my mom. Six of ’em will be my girlfriend.

[short chuckle] The dude’s a legend.

Hey, baby. I want to party with that ice cream cone. Five bucks and I’ll sit on it.

Hey. Hey. Twenty bucks if you’ll mash a chipwich with your knee.

[sighs] Let’s see the chipwich.

No! He doesn’t do knee stuff. What is wrong with you sickos?

What happened to you, man?

This is all I’m good for, Meg. It’s… It’s all people see me as.

That’s not true, Chris. You have so much to offer, And I’ve got something for you.


You bet your ass, buttercream.


This one we do together.


[“Love Life Us Up Where We Belong” by Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes playing]

♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪

♪ where the eagles cry. ♪

So, Chris, after your recent adventure Behind the scenes of the adult video world, You’re probably not even able to enjoy pornography any–


Uh, okay. Well, I got to go to The county registrar’s office. Need to re-register our business as inactive And change our filing status.

♪ undoing a corporation ♪

♪ is surprisingly complicated ♪

♪ but it still doesn’t make ♪

♪ for a good montage. ♪

Hey, Gavin. Yeah, it’s dad. Well, the court says I get two guaranteed calls a week, So I’m calling. [chuckles] Can you please tell your mother to get off the extension? No, in-person visits have to be supervised, But the calls do not have to be supervised, So she can get off the phone now. Daddy knows what mommy’s breathing sounds like, bud. Get off the phone, Janet!


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