Family Guy – S22E05 – Baby, It’s Cold Inside | Transcript

Peter feels emasculated when he abandons Lois in the midst of a shark attack on their anniversary; Stewie finds a mini fridge and lives the dorm lifestyle.
Family Guy - S22E05 - Baby, It's Cold Inside

Original air date: November 5, 2023

Peter forgets to make plans for his and Lois’ anniversary but is bailed out by Seamus, who lends them a boat for a dinner on the ocean. During a skinny dip, a dolphin approaches them, but Peter flees upon mistaking it for a shark, ditching Lois in the water. Although she is unharmed, Lois is disappointed in Peter for not being the alpha she needs in her life. When his attempts to make it up to her fail, Quagmire suggests they fake a similar incident in order for Peter to save Lois, but the guys’ plan falls apart. Lois saves Peter from an actual shark and quickly discovers the ruse, but is nonetheless content, having discovered that she herself was the alpha in her life. The two have make-up sex by the harbor as the guys look on. Meanwhile, Stewie finds a discarded mini-fridge while out on a walk and decides to keep it in his room despite Brian’s concerns about him being too little to have one. Stewie converts his bedroom into a college dorm, complete with a roommate named Ghee, and while throwing a party, he calls Brian out for how he is suddenly obsessed over his safety. Brian agrees to loosen up, but they accidentally leave the fridge cracked during the party. In the end, all the guests are fatally frozen solid, leaving Brian to break down in tears.

* * *

Anybody know how to empty the reservoir on a real doll? ‘Cause the website is mostly testimonials.

Peter, of course, you know what today is.

Yeah, Donald Sutherland’s birthday.

And maybe another special day?

National dachshund day.

Oh, Peter, you forgot our anniversary again, didn’t you?

What? No, no, I–I got you an awesome gift. But you can’t see it until tonight.

Tonight? Wh–why tonight?

Oh, you’ll see. Tonight is gonna be amazing. You’re gonna smile bigger than I did when I was on the cover of Mad magazine.


You kids don’t remember mad or magazines. Fortunately, I’m on broadcast television. What, me worry? Okay, me worry.

I wonder how old Donald Sutherland is today.

I don’t know, pretty old.

He looks good, though. And you know what? I think the key there is never looking good. Brian, quick, check out your six o’clock. Or–or your nine o’clock. I can’t tell time.

A perfectly good mini fridge.

Well, you’re gonna have to fight Danny Devito for it.

Would you look at that. A perfectly good, normal-size fridge.

You know what? If this works, I’m going to put it in my room.

Stewie, you’re too little to have a fridge in your room.

Think whatever you want, Brian, but I’m taking this before Danny Devito gets it.

That’s all right, kid. I don’t need it anymore.

[singers] ♪ Danny Devito ♪

♪ got bit by a magic mosquito. ♪

[announcer] Danny Devito and the Magic Mosquito, now streaming on Peacock.

I’m hearing a lot of buzz.

There he is. Here comes the groom!

[noisemakers blare]


Geez, even you guys know it’s my anniversary? How is that possible?

It’s easy.

I follow your wife.

You mean on Instagram?


Peter, let me guess. You forgot your anniversary again.

Yeah. What’s worse, I lied, and I told Lois I had an awesome gift planned for tonight. If I don’t come up with something amazing, I am so screwed.

Hey, you want to give Lois a treat? Popcornucopia. Now, they’re a little outfit out there in Fort Wayne, Indiana, family-owned and operated for five generations over there in the “crossroads of America.” Indiana’s state motto. And get this. They make a metal cannister with three different kinds of popcorn, but they’re separated!

Maybe you should just take Lois out to a fine restaurant.

Now, I can hear some of you saying, “Joe, why separated?”

None of us are saying that, Joe.

Okay, here’s why. Three flavors of popcorn in one tin, and they don’t mix. Unless, of course, you want them to mix. This is a home run, man.

Kind of short notice to get a good table in any restaurant.

I don’t think you appreciate that they don’t mix. Your caramel corn stays separate from your cheese corn, which stays separate from your corn corn. You see, in the past, you would need Three tubs of corn.

Yes, we get it! We know about the corn, Joe!

[chuckles] Honestly, I don’t think you do.

Forgive me for eavesdropping, but I have a flatbottom dory with a quiet outboard I’d be glad to lend you. Full moon tonight. Why not take your bride on a romantic cruise around Quahog Harbor?

You know what? I think Lois would like that.

Ooh, the romantic boat ride is the perfect surprise.

You can bring along a tub of popcorn, ’cause the tin’s waterproof.

And if you’d like, I could also row up alongside you and play “Brandy” on the accordion.

Yeah, no, just the boat, thanks.

Aw, I always drive past my exit.

Lois is gonna love this, Peter. She’s gonna think you’re a true romantic, like Michael Douglas.

So who wants to hear how I think I got mouth cancer? She’s, uh… She’s heard this one before.

Check it out, Rupert. Juice box, boom! Gogurts? Yep. And most importantly, for freshness, an open box of Armie Hammer’s baking powder, now with 40% more fingers. Pretty much all he had to do was not eat people.

How the hell did you get that up here?

With no help from you, thanks. But you know what? You still get a cola.

Ah. Convenient, I guess. Can’s not so cold, though.

Yeah, everything in there is either lukewarm or frozen solid.

Stewie, I still think it’s a bad idea for you to have this thing in here.

Yeah, not really looking for advice from the guy who puts a fire emoji on all Dua Lipa’s Instagram posts. She’s not gonna respond, Bri.

She used to respond before she had so many fans.

She was 14! And she thought you were 11 because you said you were 11.

Because I was 11!

See? You’re still saying it.

Well, happy anniversary, Lois. Huh? Did I tell you? Isn’t this nice?

You know, I have to admit I had my doubts, but you really surprised me. A romantic dinner on a boat?

Right? Who needs a fancy restaurant when you can be wet and kind of dizzy?

Oh, Peter, it’s just perfect. Well, except for that cruise ship that still can’t dock because of COVID.

Is the election over yet? We are all pooping in the sink!

I’m from Iowa, so I still think this is awesome.

Oh, there’s something about the ocean that’s always been so magical to me. And I say we celebrate.


Ah, now we’re talking. All right, cannonball!

[voice muffled] ♪ there’s got to be ♪

♪ a morning after. ♪

[people scream]

[Lois laughs] Peter, I feel like a kid again. Isn’t this exhilarating? The moon, the stars, the dark triangular dorsal fin heading our way. The dark triangular dorsal fin heading our way!

Shark! [panicked shouts]

[Lois cries out]

Peter! Peter, don’t leave me to die out here! Peter, come back!

Hold on, Lois. I’m gonna grab a real quick hot chocolate. Warm up my bones.




Oh, god. Thank god. It’s just a dolphin.



Ah, perfect.

[phone dings]

Hey, good morning, lovebirds. So, how’d the moonlight cruise go?

Dad saw a shark and left mom to die.

Oh, come on. All that nice stuff I did last night, we’re only gonna focus on that one thing?

Damn it, Peter, you’re supposed to be the alpha in my life. Someone to stand up and take charge. But you never even looked back to see if I was okay. Y–you just raced off.

You hear about Anne Heche? Sad, huh?

Peter, don’t try to change the subject!

You were always jealous of her!

You know what, Peter? I am so disappointed in you, I am taking the exclamation points out of this argument.

You can’t do that. Male arguments are powerless without volume. That just leaves us with words.

[calmly] I’m done here.

Wow, Peter, I’ve never seen Lois so upset. Looks like you’re in and I find this phrase offensive The doghouse.

Oh, I’ve solved bigger problems than this. Like when I forgot the safe word at that sex party.

Aardvark. Aah! Aardwolf. Abacus. Aah! Abandon. Aah! Abase. Aah! Abate. Aah! Abattoir.

[Peter] The good news was I had memorized the entire dictionary when I got bored over covid. The bad news was the safe word was “zyzzyva,” a genus of South American weevils, which, coincidentally, I was forced to keister.

[reggae music playing]

[phone clicking]

Bri, what up, dawg? Grab a brewski from the mini. I can’t have any more, though. Got to cram for a test in the morning.

Where exactly are you going to school?

Um, university of college. Not for long, though. Just got my grades. Not good.

Stewie, I think this fridge thing…

Yo check out my maxim posters. Hot, right? No, no. Yes, yes. No, yes, no.

Why would you put up the nos?

So you know when it’s a yes.

Stewie, we got to talk.

Brah, if this is about you and I being roommates, I was gonna put a word in with Colin, But I already have one. Brian, meet Guy.

Guy? Okay. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, Guy doesn’t speak much English. He’s from Quebec. Engineering, I think. But he is insane, Brian. A legend. Guy. Allons. Ah, look at him drinking that soda. Classic Guy.

Okay, anyway, Stewie…

Can’t talk now, Bri. Got to spend some time messing around on the guitar.

[discordant notes]

I didn’t even know you played.

Oh, yeah, all the time. A lot. Bros down the hall call me “Ramen,” ’cause I’m always noodling.

Hey, what’s going on, no pubes?

They–they… They call, they call me a lot of things.

Lois, I told you I would make it up to you, so I got you something very special. I got you in the opening credits of SNL.

[lively music playing]

[Peter] Okay, look.

Here comes Kenan. Oh, look at him playfully hailing a cab. And here you are. Look how cool and hip you look walking by a manhole cover with steam coming out of it. Uhp, looks like Kenan’s still trying to wave down a cab. Ah, there you go again! Now you’re at the club, holding up a “one more” signal for a drink. Why won’t nobody stop for Kenan? Oh, but Mikey Day gets a cab first try. Oh, he’s sharing it with Kenan. He’s sharing it. Okay. Oh, a very stressful opening credits this week.

Stewie, did you do this?

Geez, Brian, don’t just come barging in here like that. I thought you were campus security.

Guy pushed an air conditioner off the parking garage yesterday. Almost hit a public safety officer. By the way, that’s between us. They’re going door to door. It’s pretty serious.

I don’t care about that. I want to know who wrote “renob” on my chest when I was sleeping.

“Renob”? Brian, you read that in the mirror. It’s “boner.”


Great. Thanks, Bri. Now we’ve got the R.A. coming in to check on us.

Hey, Stewie, guy, look, I like fun as much as anybody, but we’ve had some complaints, and you really got to keep the noise down in here. Oh, and, hey, I reviewed your party application, and everything looks to be in order, so you’re good to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Party? Who’s having a party?

I am. And it’ll be loaded with chicks, thanks to Guy. This guy’s all about the poutine, which sounds dirty, but it’s just a gravy they put on french fries.

Stewie, you’ve taken this mini fridge thing too far. I’m moving this thing out of here.

Oh, be careful, Bri. Not a good idea. You don’t want to piss off Guy. Yesterday he crow-hopped a dip tin and knocked a guy out.

Oh, wow, did he really? Well, now I’m so very scared of Guy.

Aah! Oh, ho, ho, guy. Ce fut un grand lancer! Je crois qu’il est mort, eh?

Special flowers for a special lady.

Hmm. These are nice. Except… [sniffs] They smell like what is that, exhaust? Why is there a picture of a teenage Latina on them? Peter, did you steal these from a roadside memorial?

They didn’t love her as much as I love you, Lois. Besides, it’s not like she can see ’em.

Stolen flowers? Really, Peter? Is that all I mean to you?

Well, there’s also a candle with one of them spooky skeletons from Coco.

You know, Peter, a relationship is supposed to grow over time, to give you a sense of purpose and meaning. But after all these years with you, I–I just feel worthless. I feel as worthless as any coin smaller than a quarter.

Hello, my name is Nickel.

[all] Hi, nickel.

There was a time when I paid for a ride on a trolley, or a good cigar, or a hand-cranked film of a man tipping his hat and twirling his moustache. But yesterday, I was part of a handful of change at a McDonald’s, and the teenage girl threw us out. Just–just threw us in the trash with the wrappers and the bag. [sobs]

Yeah. And I’m voiced by Kevin Hart.

[announcer] Coming this fall from Pixar, Coins! We’ll keep making things talk until you don’t show up.

Come on, Lois. Are you gonna stay mad at me forever? I’ve done stupid things before, and you’ve always forgiven me.

Oh, I forgive you, Peter. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to see you as a man, my protector or a real husband again.

Oh, okay. I see. Well, if that’s how you feel, I’ll just take my things and get out of your way. This is a different real doll. I never figured out how to empty the other one.

This is not good, guys. She put a little black-and-white TV on the sun porch and then slept there last night.

Ooh, that’s the angriest a New England wife can get.

Look, if I could do it all over again, I’d save her, ’cause now I know it was a dolphin and there was no real danger.

Peter, don’t you see? We got to make you the hero again.

Wait, say that again.

We got to make you the hero again.

Yep, yeah, you got weird teeth.

Wait. What did you say before about the hero thing?

I said we’ve got to make Peter the hero…

You’re right. He does have weird teeth.

I just have to show Lois I can still be her hero.

[muffled] That’s exactly what I was saying.

[loud dance music playing]

Brian, you made it. Aw, damn it, I love this son of a bitch.

Are you… Are you drunk?

Nah, I just spun around a few times.

Stewie, it’s–it’s really loud.

Oh, that’s all Guy, man. His speakers aren’t even legal in America.

Stewie, you were supposed to be in bed at 7:50.

The only clock we have in here says “Miller time.” Come on, Brian, this could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re all, “Stewie’s too little to have a mini fridge.” What happened to the Brian I used to know?

[dance music continues louder]

You know what? You’re right. I guess I was just worried about your safety. But what the hell. I can party with the best of them, even Guy.

There you go. What’s the worst that could happen, right? Check it. Guy put his speakers out the window, and he’s cranking Wagner. Everybody’s like, “What?!”

[“Ride of the Valkyries” playing over speakers]

♪ ♪

You know, I don’t know why I let you talk me into coming back down here.

Because in your heart, you know I love you, Lois. And because, as Chris Daughtry says, I’ll try to do it right this time. It’s not over.

Hmm. Daughtry says it better.

I agree.

[phone beeps]

Hi, Lois. Your husband Peter wanted me to tell you he’ll try to do it right this time, and…

♪ it’s not over. ♪

Also, you may want to remind him that his Venmo did not work, and we’re gonna need to find an alternative form of payment.


Oh, if he was wearing that straw hat, I would’ve wet myself.

♪ ♪

Oh, he’s got her. [laughs]

The Daughtry thing worked, Quagmire.

Of course it did. Sometimes I suffer under the weight of my own genius.

We’re all set. This is gonna work as long as Peter remembers to have Lois step on the 18th plank.

18th plank. 18th plank. Eighteen. Eighteen.

Oh, I wonder if Daughtry’s coming to the Quahog Amphitheater this season. Let’s see, Blink182, Twenty One Pilots, Thirty Seconds to Mars…

182, 21, 30.

10,000 Maniacs? Geez, how old is Natalie Merchant now? 60?

10,000, 60.

Look, Lois, I’ll take you to every one of those shows if you just stop saying numbers and get on the damn pier. Uh, I–I mean, after you, my queen.

♪ ♪

Uh, no, no. Wrong plank. Not there.


No, it’s nothing. I just think you were supposed to step here.


What the hell? Peter, are you okay?

Uh, don’t worry, Lois. I’ll protect you if there’s any sharks around. I said, if there’s any sharks around.

Peter, I’m not ready. I lost one of my flippers.

What do you mean, you’re not ready? It’s not gonna work without a shark.

Oh, don’t worry, there’s one right there.

♪ ♪

Oh, phew.




[both screaming]

Thank god. Peter, are you all right?

Lois, you saved me.


[gasps, chokes]

Peter, did you rig this whole thing so that I would fall into the water?


I guess now you’re really mad at me, huh?

You know what? I’m not. Because I just realized something, Peter. I do have an alpha in my life, someone to stand up and take charge, and it’s me. It’s always been me. And I will never again look outside of myself for happiness, validation or anything. And you, you helped me see this, Peter. Thank you.

Okay. And you’re sure you’re not mad?

Oh, no, Peter, I’m not mad. I’m horny. Hornier than I’ve been in a long time. Now, get those pants off, you fat little bag of dirt.


[growling playfully]

[laughing nervously]

[growling playfully]

Happy anniversary?

I didn’t say you could talk! But happy anniversary, Peter.


This is awesome.

You know, for a fat guy, Peter’s got a tiny ass.

Perfectly separated popcorn, anyone?

This is good. Where’d you get it?

An elder abuse victim sent it to the station as a thank you for arresting her grandson. I’m just glad something good came out of it.

[giggling, moaning]

Don’t be late for work, now, Peter. Yah!

Ooh! Ow. Fresh. See you tonight.

It’s good to see you two getting along.

Oh, yeah. Our marriage will be just fine as long as Peter remembers that I am everything and he is nothing. Is Stewie still sleeping?

Probably. He was up pretty late last night. I’ll go check on him.

Stewie, you up? That was some…

♪ ♪

Oh, my god! Damn it, Stewie, I told you you were too little to have a fridge in your room. [sobbing] Oh… Oh, god. [sobbing continues]

[“Midnight, the stars and you” playing]


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