Family Guy – S22E04 – Old World Harm | Transcript

Peter and Lois inadvertently rent a condo in a retirement community for their Florida vacation; Brian helps Stewie take his first shower.
Family Guy - S22E04 - Old World Harm

Original air date: November 5, 2023

Peter and Lois inadvertently rent a condo in a retirement community for their Florida vacation; Brian helps Stewie take his first shower.

* * *

Good news, Peter. We finally saved enough money to go on a couple’s vacation together. We haven’t traveled in years.

That’s not true. You made us drive to Toronto to confront that sex worker I Facetime with.

Yeah, that wasn’t a vacation, that was an ultimatum.

And after an insultingly long pause, I chose you.

We’re going on a trip, Peter.

Aw, sweet. Harold Goldfarb: Jetpack lawyer is on.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Is this so you can use your jet pack?


I’ll allow it.

(L.A. Law theme playing)

(shouting): I’m appealing this to a higher court.

I wish I had a jet pack. My life would be better.

(electronic chirping)

Ooh, 360. Oh, wait. 180. Very good. Now let’s get your height. All right. So you’re seven foot, six, 180, with colorectal cancer.

I’m tall?

Excuse me, I’m here to renew my passport.

Of course, let’s go take a terrible photo.

Oh, my god, that’s why she wore the nice shirt. Oh, this is so sad.

(gasps) Oh, no! Seal and Heidi Klum broke up.

Uh, yeah, in 2012. All those magazines are super old.

(gasps) Good lord. Whitney Houston died? Since when?

Again, 2012.

This says she drowned in the bathtub. But… but I take baths.

I think there may have been other stuff going on.

No! Baths kill, Chris. And I will not become another statistic. Next time I bathe, I’m taking a shower. And it’s gonna be the best baby shower ever. I’ll wear a tiara, go to brunch, and my best friend will start crying, And that’s when we realize she’s been trying for years. And I’ll say, “It’s not your fault,” But quietly I wonder if it’s a result of her life choices. I mean, I’m as liberal as anyone, but do you really think A throuple based on a mutual love of cocaine doesn’t have consequences? I am as liberal as anyone, though.

Are you sure you want to do this, Peter? Seems a little reckless.

You do know that wearing a jet pack doesn’t make you a lawyer, right?

Objection. Not supporting my dream of becoming a sky attorney.


Hey, I saw a thing and now I want to do the thing. That’s my thing. Now, quit yapping and tape these leaf blowers to my back.

(L.A. Law theme playing)

To a thousand and beyond.

That’s as high as he can count.


(falcons screeching)




Peter, what the hell?

Aah! Aah!

(crashing, glass shattering)

Aw, crap, there’s one of them Chinese balloons.

Excuse me. I’m Japanese.

Oh, my god. I am so sorry. Please excuse my ignorance.

Hey, just take this opportunity to learn and grow.

I will. I will, balloon, I will.

Man, Lois was pissed about me wrecking the house.

Really? I assumed she’d be numb to your shenanigans by now.

Worst part is I spent all our vacation money on the jet pack without asking.

For some reason, women don’t like it when you wreck their financial future. The lady brain is truly the most confounding of all head meats.

Peter, I know what it’s like to be in the doghouse, but I think I can help. Why don’t you use my mom’s condo in Florida? Every year she winters in Buffalo. I keep telling her she’s doing Florida wrong, but she doesn’t listen.

Thanks, Joe. Florida sounds great. I bet Lois’ll love that.

My mom winters in a coffin. All the seasons, really.

Brian, I need your help to take a shower.

Shower?! No way. Dogs and showers don’t mix.

Come on, Bri, you’re the only one who can do this with me.

I can’t go back there. I’m sorry, it’s just… I took a shower once. I was so young.

(flute playing)

When they put me in the tub, I figured it was just to rub my tummy. What a fool I was. They stripped me down like an animal. And that’s when things got real. The water just kept coming. I tried to fight back, but I was half-blind from the soap. At first, Peter tried to bathe me from the side, but then he realized it’d be easier if he… Got in. When it was over, they just wiped me down with an old beach towel and threw me in the yard. I didn’t get a parade. Hell, I didn’t even get a chew toy.

Thank you for your shower.

Don’t do this, Stewie. Once you get in that shower, you never come back.

Sorry, but I’m taking a shower… “with or without you.”

Uh, we… we can’t afford that U2 song.

Oh, really?

But they will pay us to play one off their new album.

Yeah, that’s a big bonno.

Well, Peter, I was skeptical, but I got to say, it’s beautiful here.

Well, this is the address.

Peter, this isn’t a vacation home, this is a retirement community. I can’t believe you never told me.

Lois, we had a whole conversation about this when you were passed out on your airplane pills.

Okay, I got to fess up, it’s kind of a retirement community. If you’re okay with it, breathe once every minute.


Ah, there it is.

I can’t believe you took me to a retirement community.

Come on, it’s not so bad. There’s canasta and pickleball, plus the world’s softest toilet seats.

I can’t poop now ’cause I’m afraid of heights.

(air hissing)

Uhp, here we go. All right, now I’m getting confidence.

Ugh, there’s so much “not actual milk” milk.

Hey, I think this is that Mother’s day gift Joe told me about. It’s a “joemometer.” It announces celebrity trivia in Joe’s voice.

Joe: It’s 76 degrees. Actor Morgan Freeman is lefthanded.

Wow. That’s mildly interesting.

This place is depressing. I want to go home.

Oh, hey, I know this isn’t the trip you were hoping for, but our flight back isn’t for a week, so we may as well try to have fun.

Ugh, fine. I’ll give it a shot.

You won’t be disappointed. Remember, you didn’t think you’d like it when I had big, giant traps either.

Hey, babe, did you wash my singlet? I got a tournament up in Great Neck.

Peter, I can’t wash your singlet and make you a hundred egg whites.

Hey, dad. (exclaims)


Uhp, left yourself open to a nearside cradle.

I am not a part of this.

Well, then tap-out.

I tap out. (choking)

No tap-outs.

(mellow music playing)


(sexy music playing)

Good god, these are the ones who could make it to the pool. Imagine what the ones in the rooms look like.

I, uh, couldn’t help but notice your sternum has only 14 sunspots. Uh, no one here has less than 83.

Aw, I bet you say that to all the ladies who can walk without assistance.

You ever been with a man who knows the price of milk in 1942?

(weak chuckle) Can’t say that I have.

It was a nickel. That was the price of everything then. A suit was a nickel. A house was a nickel. A dime was a nickel. Hemorrhoid donut for the lady?

A girl could get used to this. Now, who wants to see me bite into an apple with my own teeth?

It’s suicide!

I missed the moon landing, I ain’t missing this.


Heavens to Betsy, that’s amazing.

Could you help us turn on the TV, dear? Our favorite program is about to start.

Sure, why not.

(L.A. Law theme playing)



You must be one of those computer whizzes. The last time I tried to work the remote myself, I got folded inside a bed.

Could you reach that cigar box full of dominoes? My grandchildren are coming and I want them to do something fun. Oh, such a strong boy. Here, have a chickostick.

You carry candy in your pocket?

Of course.

All old ladies are 70% pocket candy.

Werther’s. Butterscotch. That weird strawberry candy with the goo inside. You guys are like walking piñatas.


Oh, it’s so nice to be touched.

All right, before the big shower, I should do a dry run. Need to get a feel for the space. Let’s start with some articulation exercises. Soap the shins. Soap the shins. Soap and sop and soak the shins. The room sound is a little tinny, but I can make it work. All right, not bad for the first day. Rupert, toss over the rope ladder. Rupert? Oh, you son of a bitch, I knew it. Is this because I suggested a prenup? Well, if money doesn’t matter, you should just sign it.


I’m stuck! Help!


Oh, this is just great. I’m going to die in here and I’ll never take a shower.

Maybe you won’t, but we will.


Thanks, Bri. The poop was in there when I got in.

Man, this place is great for my self-esteem. I’m getting bicep squeezes left and right.

And men keep telling me I look like Greer Garson. That’s good, I think. Being the youngest, healthiest people here sure has its perks. It’s like everyone wants a piece of us.

Before we harvest the organs of these two young meat bags, we need to decide who gets what. So, if you want a body part, call dibs now.

Yeah, I’ll take the udders and the hooves.

What? That’s not a cow.

That’s a guy? But I saw him eating grass earlier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re donating the brain to science. No one take the brain.

Morning, Peter. I brought you some calcium-rich milk. It’ll make your bones strong so I can swim again.

Thanks, Art.

Don’t thank me the cow did most of the work.

(both laughing)

Lois, would you be a dear and lift this fruitcake that’s the same weight as my grandson?

Um, sure?

Full range of motion. Firm grip.

Time for your breakfast eye exam. Which line can you read?

Uh, well, I can read “gledjeb”.

That’s not a word, it’s just random letters in a row.

Really? I thought it was Dutch.

Hey! They said my name.

Don’t be so self-centered. They could mean gledjeb opeldark.

Well, you ready, Stewie?

Yup. Even got some decals for the shower floor.

I see you went with the flower design.

The daffodil pattern provides superior protection against slippage. Dr. Scholl’s gave it four toes out of seven. I… it’s a weird scale, but that’s still pretty good. And I got us some shampoo.

Why did you buy the kind for color-treated hair?

Speaking of hair, that is one heck of a musical, huh? That’s the hair we should be discussing.

You got a little Giuliani drip going there.

There were voting irregularities in Michigan!

Can you believe they gave us complimentary massages?

Welcome! Have you fasted for the last 12 hours?

Were we supposed to?

No worries.

Why do you need our blood pressure for a massage?

Deep tissue. Hot stone. We have all different kinds.

You just ignored my question and answered a different one you had in your head.

I did eat my twin in the womb, thanks for asking. Okay, let’s get you started.

Are you a d cup or is that just gravity?

Oh, just gravity.

Just a half rack, Tony.

Excuse me, I have to use the restroom.

Oh, my god.

(playing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree”)

Ah. Well, that’s not so bad.

Hard to misinterpret that.

(gasps) Oh, my god!

And how many drinks would you say you consume each week?

Socially, about four to six. Alone in the dark while crying to Adele, a hundred.

Welp, beggars can’t be choosers.


They’re trying to steal our organs. They want to kill us. Let’s go.

What’s happening?

Don’t worry, Lois. It’s called “Flintstone legs.” Trust me, all we need is some traction.

Calling all coots! Red dawn and the waddler have flown the coop.

Brian, if something should happen to one or both of us, I’d regret not having said this, so I’m just gonna say it. You have a nice penis. I see it a lot, I don’t say anything, but it’s nice. Now, you say something nice about my penis.

I think we should turn the water on.


Huh, this isn’t as bad as I remember. It’s actually kind of nice.

I wonder what this thing does.




This is horrible!

The spray is too strong. We have to turn down the water.

Now it’s too hot! Now it’s too cold!

My god, how does Chris stay in here for 45 minutes?

He’s doing other stuff, but we got to get out of here.

Oh, my god, now the tub is filling up. Wait a minute, the tub is filling up. This isn’t a shower anymore. This is a bath! I know baths. I’ve got this, Bri.

(“The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” playing)

♪ the legend lives on from the Chippewa on down ♪

♪ of the big lake they called ♪

♪ gitche gumee ♪

♪ the lake, it is said, never gives up her dead ♪

♪ when the skies of November ♪

♪ turn gloomy. ♪

Oh, my god. What is that?

A decade’s worth of Meg’s hair.

Ew, that’s gross.

No, it isn’t. It’s our lifeline, Brian. Boost me to the shower caddy.



Hang on.


Aah! (grunts)

We are never taking a shower again.


Uh, fellas, I’m gonna need the room for 45 minutes.


(tires screeching)


I’m gonna gut you like a fish and scoop out your insides. Right after I parallel park.

Peter, come on!

Sorry, Lois. As a man, I’m required to watch other men parallel park.

Peter, he wants to kill us! Let’s go!

You got to cut the wheel.

I am cutting the wheel.

No, the other way.

This is the other way, jerk.

No, left. Cut left.

Pull back, cut left. Now I’m involved.

Right. Oh! They shrunk the spaces so they could make more money. (weak chuckle)

Sir, this is a standard space on a public street. Nobody’s making money here.

Stop where you are. We would like this all to be over by 4:00 p.m., please.


Enough! You freaks are never getting our organs! Now shuffle aside before I call the cops.

This is Florida, doll. The cops are all just strippers who carry guns.

Then who are the strippers?


So, who fights the fires?

No idea.

You’re sick.

And you you’re selfish. You come in here flaunting your working ears and knuckles that don’t look like an abacus and expect us not to pick you clean like the last hour at a Chinese buffet? If we have to take your organs by force, then so be it.

Have it your way.

(knuckles crack)

We always do, no matter how many times we have to send the entrée back. We will stand here and fight until…

Woman: It’s 4:04.

Oh! We’re missing dinner!

(indistinct chatter)

I’m sorry, Lois. Looks like I ruined another vacation.

You know, Peter, I was upset when you brought me here because I wanted to have an exciting vacation, just the two of us, and I thought this place was gonna be boring, but you know what? Turns out fleeing from bloodthirsty senior citizens with you was kind of a thrill. This may not have been the vacation I expected but it turned out to be the best one I’ve ever had. I love you, Peter.

I love you, too. Man, this place is crazy. Can you believe Joe was in the dark about all this?

Did you get the legs? Damn it! (inhales, exhales) No, no, no, it’s fine. I’ll see if I can get Cleveland to go down there next week.

Hey, bud! How was Florida?

(playing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree”)


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