Family Guy – S22E03 – A ‘Stache from the Past | Transcript

Peter and Mayor West go confront the man responsible for Peter's losing the Griffin house in a reverse mortgage - Tom Selleck; Brian and Stewie get into a rivalry with Bruce when they open a booth at the flea market.
Family Guy - S22E03 - A ‘Stache from the Past

Original air date: October 22, 2023

At the flea market, Stewie gets a new teapot from Bruce, while Peter is barred by Lois from buying Dr. Hartman’s old Mr. Potato Head due to its $600 price tag. Upset, Peter is swayed by a commercial from Tom Selleck, convincing him to sign up for a reverse mortgage and get more spending money, but while it does get him the toy, it runs the risk of the Griffins losing their house. He sets out for New York City to find Selleck alongside Mayor Wild West, who was once in a band with him, but the two are arrested before they can confront him. Only by becoming extras on Blue Bloods can they get close enough. Wild reconciles with Selleck by playing their old single, while Peter gets to keep his house in exchange for a line in the next Blue Bloods episode. Meanwhile, Stewie sells his new teapot for a high price, enabling him to buy more antiques to sell off at the flea market. Brian agrees to help, but the two are confronted by Bruce for encroaching on his turf. They agree to battle it out to see who can sell more, and Brian and Stewie end up winning due to a conveniently placed trash can by Bruce’s booth, which attracts a swarm of bees. Despite winning, Stewie grows sick of working in the flea market and makes his exit by outing most of the booth owners as pedophiles.

* * *

I… I don’t get it.

You thought this was gonna be the flea circus from Coraline, didn’t you?

I’m cursed with optimism.

Oh, yous got a good eye. That there’s a “little ms. Wedgewood” set.

(humming “I’m a little teapot”)

♪ this is my handle, this is my spout ♪

Well, all the parts seem to be in the right places. I’ll take it.

Holy crap, a vintage mr. Potato head from the good old days when potatoes were men and had penises.

Peter, they never had penises.

Well, you could put a nose down there and it kind of worked. The nostrils were balls, and… And so forth.

That’s the very potato I used in medical school to learn anatomy. I could let it go for 600.

What are we thinking, Lois? Yes?

No, we don’t have that kind of money.

Fine, I’ll buy it with my magic beans.

Those are skittles.

There’s no room in this world for dreamers anymore.

Everything okay, dad?

(sighs) Just adult stuff, buddy. Mom wouldn’t let me buy a toy I wanted.

Man (on tv): Do you own a home, but can’t afford The things you need to make your life more comfortable?

Yes. Wait, is that…

Hi, I’m Tom Selleck. Ask your nurse to turn down your breathing machine for a minute So I can tell you how a reverse mortgage from “hey, alright. Reverse mortgages,” or “harm,” can help you.

This seems like a trick.

I know this seems like a trick, but it’s not a trick.

Oh, that’s nice to hear. But is this his first rodeo?

Look, this isn’t my first rodeo. And I wouldn’t be here if I thought reverse mortgages would hurt anyone.

Well, I certainly believe Magnum P.I., but it’s easy to say this stuff fully standing up. I wonder if he can half-lean on a fence post and say it?


Do you really want your adult kids fighting over your money after you’re gone? Isn’t it better to spend it all now so they don’t have that option?

He’s making good points. I’ll just run this by Lois.

Men, please don’t run things by your wives. Just go to “www…” I’m kidding. Here’s a phone number as big as we can put it.

I’m getting my Mr. Potato head. But that is a lot of numbers to dial.

Tom: If that’s too many numbers to dial, just say, “siri, I’m old.”

Siri, I’m old.

Siri: Dialing reverse mortgage company.

Stewie? What is all this stuff?

It turns out Rupert only likes “Peppa Pig” branded tea sets, which honestly, I get. So I sold my tea set at twice what I paid, then I bought more stuff to sell.

Really? Was it worth that much?

Oh, sweetie, people have no clue what antiques are worth, so you just act like you know. I actually got a booth at the flea market next weekend.

I have to say, I’m weirdly impressed.

Yes, who would’ve thought a strange little guy like me could get super into tiny details of old furniture.

Well, if you need any help, I’m in.

All right.

Is that…

Yes, most antiques are just racist old packaging from iconic companies. Well, mostly syrup companies.

Wow, that’s very racist.

Yep. Whole-blurry-shelf racist.

I’m Mr. Kiki, the swim teacher who doesn’t have a pool and drives very far to other people’s pools for lessons. After this lesson, I sit at Panera Bread Until traffic dies down.

Announcer: Panera bread. Where swim teachers from other towns wait out traffic.

Oh, my god, is that the expensive Mr. Potato head from the flea market? I told you we couldn’t afford that.

Don’t worry, I got a ton of money. I even bought a jet ski in lake Havasu in case I ever get out there.

(“angel” by Sarah McLachlan playing)

♪ spend all your time waiting… ♪

Woman: Every year, over 9,000 people buy jet skis and then leave them at lake Havasu. Last year, over 700 jet skis were rescued and sent to some of the trashier Wisconsin lakes where tiny-teeth families gave them new lives. For hundreds of others, help came too late.

Where did you get all this money?

It was easy. I took out a reverse mortgage, which is that thing where your house gives you free money.

Peter, how could you be so stupid? Reverse mortgages are a total scam. You need to call the bank right away. And take that Mr. Potato head back.

I can’t. I wrote “best spuds 4 life” all over the box. I almost love the box as much as the guy now.

Peter, we could lose our house!

Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck made a whole video about that for the wives, wearing his signature short shorts.

Hello, wives. I’m…


Now the bank is saying we could lose the house. I can’t believe I got duped by Tom Selleck.

West: Tom Selleck? Well, there’s a name I haven’t heard in years.

Mayor Wild West, you know Tom Selleck?

Oh, I used to. Many moons ago.

How many?



If you fellas would allow me to jaw at you a minute, I’ll spin you a yarn. Back when we grew younger men’s mustaches, me and tom carved ourselves out a niche as a hippie country duo called “Cold Hard ‘Stache.”

♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ all the day you’ll have to look ♪

♪ for its rightful owner ♪

♪ that’s an honorable day ♪

♪ looking for its rightful owner. ♪

(audience cheers)

Yeah, we were the talk of one corner of town. But as is often the case in these tales, drugs entered the picture, and when that trouble arrived, well, let’s just say ol’ Tom offered it a place to set down.

You’re playing with fire, kemosabe.

(both grunting)

The next day he wrote a song called “walk this way (even if the crosswalk says stop).” And that’s when I knew, the one-a-day demon had got him. In the end, one-a-day was merely a suggestion. Nearest I can reckon, he was up to nine or ten a week. Anyhow, hearing he’s peddling reverse mortgages now sounds about right.

Do you know what a reverse mortgage is?

Nearest I can figure, it’s a loan that enables the borrower To access the unencumbered value of their property.

That sounds kind of slick.

Well, the rub is if you can’t pay it back, they can snatch your abode. That strikes me as predatory.

Why would Tom do this?

He should know better. You see, having a mustache is a sacred oath.

I have a mustache.

I’m proud of you.

He can’t do this to people. I am gonna track him down and get the money back. Mr. Mayor, you’re coming with me.

Oh, I’m afraid those days are behind me. But I wish you the best of luck.

That’s fine, I’ll go it alone, Just like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

Sir, your millions from Netflix for No One Knows What.

Put it with the rest of them.

(phone dings)

Babe, time to do our daily $250,000 sponsored Instagram post for Del Taco.

Oh, I shouldn’t have left the made-up nonsense.

Well, I’m off to New York City

To find Tom Selleck and get our money back.

How do you even know he’s in New York?

‘Cause he’s on CBS’s loudest show, Blue Bloods, and they film there.

No, Peter, you’re not going anywhere. Even for you, this is an absurd plan.

Ain’t nothin’ absurd about this. Ma’am.


Mr. Mayor. You came.

That’s right. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a mustache is a good guy with a mustache. So hop on up, we’re taking a trip.


I can’t believe we’re going to New York City. I’ve always wanted to see the twin towers.


(gasps) When?

Look, it’s Billy Joel.

Uhp, no, it’s just a drywall guy dressed up for church.

So, is that whole retail establishment just M&Ms?

Yes, and bad jackets. Like, so bad that Sinbad wouldn’t even wear them.

Not sure I quite understand New York City.

Oh, well, this is just tv New York. You can tell ’cause all the cab drivers are impossibly white.

I call this place “the big city,” So you know I’ve been here a while.

Mr. Mayor, allow me to show you my New York.

Your New York is an ESPN zone?

I–I don’t know, I like all the screens.

Peter, look at this. Black hair dye. We follow this trail, we find Selleck, Or possibly Papa John or Rudy Giuliani, but that’s a risk we’re gonna have to take.

Brian, time to teach you my techniques. Watch and learn.

You have a good eye. I just sold a piece by the same artist for 40.

(whispers): Lie.

That’s a little out of my budget.

Well, I’d like 30, but I’d take 25. (sucks teeth) lowest I could let it go for is 20.

Would you take 11?

Well the frame alone is worth 30.

Highest I can do is 12.

Okay, but you got to pay me before my wife gets back from the bathroom. She’s gonna kill me over this price.

That’s the dance. Give it a try.

Hi, there, uh, how much for this vase?


What the hell was that? That’s not the dance, man. You got to put your hands up higher, move around a bit. My dance is the tango. You got to find yours. Go ahead.

Stewie, I’m not doing thi…

Find your dance! A bolero man. Little dirty, but nobody’s gonna bleed. You feel that? That’s the bluff.

I thought it was “the dance.”

Right, but at some point, the dance becomes the bluff.

Are you just making all this up as you go?

That’s the dance, Bri.

All right, Brian, follow my lead.

“Van blunder” time.

Ooh, how much for this?

You’re gonna hate me. So, everything you see here Is for sale, except that. I don’t even know how it got out here, it’s supposed to be in the van.

Well, I really like it.

Brian, what did you do?

Oh, boy. That was a blunder on my part.

That’s a… That’s a… That’s a pretty big blunder.

But look how much she loves it.

Do you love it?

I do. I can give you $10.

Well, I do want it to go to someone who loves it. I’ll tell you what, give me 11, and it’s a deal. What a blunder.

This is awkward, but y’alls horning in on my turf. See, “grandma’s little loft” is the king of knickknacks. Now yous selling ’em.

Ha. That’s a laugh. We’d never sell knickknacks. We’re tchotchke guys.

If yous calling that vintage chatillon dialface hanging merchant’s scale a tchotchke, Y’alls sicker than I thought.

Says the guy who has his what’sits mixed in with his who’sits.

That’s potpourri. Yous out of your league. That’s what’s happening here.

You hearing footsteps, gramps?

Hows about a little contest? Whoever sells the most by end of day tomorrow Is the flea market champ. The loser gets out of the game. For good.

Fine, you’re on. And by the way, there was a dead cricket In the teapot you sold me.

Oh, no.

I know.

The hair dye trail ends right here.

(doorbell rings)

Wait, only one guy would accept delivery of so many Hawaiian shirts.


(mustache barking)

What is it, boy?

Man, I love being paid for reverse mortgages in Hawaiian shirts.

So, it looks like there’s a few more disgruntled customers down there.

Well, that’s a ‘stache from the past. This can’t be good. Get in.

Hey, NYPD? Yeah, it’s chief whatever my-character’s-name-is from Blue Bloods. There’s a couple of trespassers outside my house.

(police siren wails)

You guys are under arrest.

Is this ’cause I rubbed on a lady in the subway?


‘Cause I rubbed on a lady on the bus?

No. Do you do a lot of rubbing on people?

Hey, eight million people, we all got to fit somewhere.

(sighs) I’m sorry for dragging you into this, Mr. Mayor. Lois was right, this was a stupid plan.

Don’t beat yourself up, hoss. When your cause is just, any action you take is honorable. Besides, fate has a funny way of takin’ care of folks.


I’d be much obliged if you’d go ahead and open up for me.

How did you do that?

Well, this ain’t the first schlage to which I’ve pitched woo.

Oh, Brian, look,

It’s this antique’s last day selling antiques.

You alls can eat my dust.


Oh, we got quite a showdown here today at flea market regionals, Jim.

“Grandma’s little loft” has the experience, but don’t count out “the Brian, the Bitch, and the Wardrobe.”

And the question we’ve been hearing the most today: Why does a flea market have announcers?

Well, sometimes major network announcers have one too many at a golf tournament and hit a guy in their car and then have to work their way back.

Hi, do you have any vintage southwestern lifestyle stuff?

Bro, it’s 7:30 a.m. That stuff is long gone by 5:15.

I’s about to open a storage container fresh from Tempe. Come on by.


How is that possible?

Announcer: And in crunch time, the game just slows down for a veteran booth like “grandma’s little loft.”

Announcer 2: A large, native American-looking teen has grumpily plopped down on a camp chair with an iPad at Bruce’s booth.

This guy’s on another level. There’s no way we can catch him.


Announcer: This could be the nail in the coffin as other booths have started shaking their misprescribed opiates in salute.

Announcer 2: They call that the “battle rattle,” and it’s the ultimate flea market show of respect. This one’s all but over.

Welcome back to flea market regionals, brought to you by warm coke.

Warm coke: Sometimes they’re just warm.

Announcer 2: “grandma’s little loft” Is putting the finishing touches on a dominant win.

Hey, we got lots of great one-of-a-kind stuff here. Please.

Announcer: And, of course, the old guy who lastminute decides he wants to keep his stuff has never really been a factor.

Announcer 2: For him, it’s more about telling people where he got the stuff.

(sighs) well, we gave it a good shot, but we’re not gonna catch Bruce.

I guess we should go tell him he won.

Announcer: Hold the phone. Looks like we got a guy bringing his home trash to the flea market garbage can.

Announcer 2: And this is where the lone garbage can being right by “grandma’s little loft” could come into play.

Announcer: Sure looks like a bag of mostly full diapers and half-eaten burritos.

Announcer 2: And that’s just a bee’s dream bag.

Hey, we just wanted to say, you wo…

(loud buzzing)

(people screaming)

Announcer: And once that money belt is zipped… It’s official. “The Brian, the Bitch, and the Wardrobe” win flea market regionals. What a comeback.

Boy, you said it. I told ESPN I’d quit after a “magic: The gathering” tournament, but this time, I’m serious.

Well, yous won fair and square. Y’alls the best flea market weirdos.

(bees buzzing)

I sure am gonna miss this place.

Sorry about the bees.

Part of the game. Hey, before I go… Would y’all be willing to sell your whole inventory for nine dollars?

Would you do 11?


You got yourself a deal. I never want to come back here. Everyone, you’re all within 500 feet of a school.


Chris: Over 200 arrests were made that day. It’s still known in flea market lore as “extinction Sunday.” I’m Chris Griffin, and my brother and my dog left me in a very hot car.

Hi, Shannon, the line producer, said I could have another plate of lasagna.

That’s not Shannon’s call.

You were right. Becoming extras on his show was the only way to get close to Tom.

Once the cameras start rolling, we’ll make our move.

Blue Bloods, episode a million, season blabbityblah. Hollywood, go.

These guys are pros.

Director: Action.

Chief whatever-your-character’s name-is from Blue Bloods, do you recognize this man?

I do. He owns the bodega on 56…

Blue Bloods.

Director: Cut.

Who is this guy?

My name is Peter Griffin, and I’m here ’cause you screwed me over with your trick reverse mortgage.

It’s not a trick.


What are you… You’re an actor.

Time to acknowledge the corn, Tom.

Wild West? I had you arrested.

When you got hooked on multis and started singing meanspirited songs, I figured you were young, it was a phase. But now you went and got mixed up with reverse mortgages, and that, partner, violates the mustache code.

Yeah. And besides, you’re Magnum P.I. You’re like my tv boss. Regular guys like me trust you.

I didn’t make you do anything.

Only one thing left to try.

♪ see a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ all the day you’ll have to look ♪

♪ for its rightful owner ♪

♪ that’s an honorable day ♪

♪ looking for its rightful owner ♪

I–I’m not gonna sing.

Your honor?

I’ll allow it.

♪ a penny saved is a penny earned ♪

♪ but if it ain’t yours, I’ve learned ♪

♪ to find its rightful owner. ♪


This court finds that the world could use more songs like that.

Peter, I think you and I might just have to agree to disagree when it comes to the financial propriety of reverse mortgages. That said, I certainly never meant to cause you any distress. And Wild, back in the day, I turned my back on you, and I turned my back on my mustache. Think you can forgive me?

Eh, nothin’ a firm, two-handed handshake with eye contact can’t solve.

And Peter, I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, so I’m gonna write you a check or a little bit of the lot of money I’ve made selling legitimate reverse mortgages to people who, to the best of my knowledge, understand fully what they’re entering into.

How are you 78?

This ought to take care of it. And hey, just to make sure we’re good, how’d you like a line on the show?

Blue Bloods.

It might not be just saying the show.

I understand. Tom, would it be possible for me to get another plate of lasagna?

That’s not my call, peter. That’s Shannon’s call.

It’s not Shannon’s call.

Follow that car.

First time in the big city? Blue Bloods.

That last line was improvised.

Oh, look out, Ryan stiles, huh? Oh, you know, I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about losing our house anymore.

Me, too. I guess I learned celebrities always do the right thing once you publicly guilt them into it.

♪ ♪


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