Family Guy – S22E01 – Fertilized Megg | Transcript

Meg agrees to be a surrogate for Bruce and Jeffrey, but the Griffins are left with a new family member when the couple fail to pick up their baby.
Family Guy - S22E01 - Fertilized Megg

Original air date: October 1, 2023

After she and Chris are tasked with taking Stewie to a birthday party at the bowling alley, Meg stays behind to help Bruce clean up, hearing him express his desire to have a child. Meg offers to be Bruce and Jeffrey’s surrogate despite Peter and Lois’ disapproval and the resulting mood swings and rank food cravings get on her family’s nerves. Several months later, Meg gives birth to Bruce and Jeffrey’s daughter, Liza Judy Barbra. When Bruce and Jeffrey need some more time to get their house ready, Meg offers to raise Liza for the time being, but becomes attached to her as the first living thing that needs her and repeatedly delays Bruce and Jeffrey’s arrival to spend more time with her. But after Liza says the names of some gay icons, Meg takes it as proof that she wants to be with her fathers and returns her to Bruce and Jeffrey.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… A… Fam… Ily… Guy! ♪

What are you up to there, Stewie?

Big birthday party today, just finishing up my card.

“Happy birthday, Gurt”?

Yeah, it’s short for “yogurt.”

His mom is a doula and his dad is a doula.

I like the blue truck.

Thanks. It was supposed to be a fire engine, but I couldn’t find the red glitter pen.

Well, that’s our long-form tax return done.

I could be wrong, but I think we’re getting a million dollars back.

Oh, I’m glad you’re here. I ran out of bleach halfway through my mustache treatment today, so, Peter, I’m gonna need you to take Stewie to the bowling alley for a party.

Hey, Meg, I’m gonna need you to take Stewie to the bowling alley for a party.

I just learned the word “delegate.”

No skin off my sack. I love the bowling alley.

I’m coming, too.

They got a new claw machine with a bra in it.

We sure raised a few fine delegates, huh?

Peter, I don’t think you learned the word “delegate.”

I will not be delegated in my own house.

This is gonna be fun, Stewie.

Yeah, I’m pumped. Partying’s in our blood.

We even had ancestors at the Boston tea party.

All right, let’s stick it to the British and throw this tea overboard.

How about this Earl Grey?

Okay, you know what, let’s keep the Earl Grey.

We-we all have to have breakfast, right?

Here goes the chamomile.

No, no, no. You throw that out, you’re throwing my good night’s sleep away.

How about this throat coat with echinacea?

Okay, you guys are gonna hate me, but we’re coming up on cold and flu season.

And I just think that would be irresponsible.

Well, what about…

You know what, let’s just boil some water and write ’em a strongly-worded letter.

Here you go, Meg.

You’s all in lane six with Gurt’s mother.

Everybody wins. Everybody wins here today.

Gurt, get your hand out of your pants!

Thanks, Bruce.

Hey, want to put quesadillas in our mouths and flip through a people magazine later?

Oh, I’d love to, but this is our busiest day.

I got five parties and that guy over there insists he can only bowl like Fred Flintstone.

Dad, you were coming here the whole time?

I don’t have to tell you things I’m keeping secret from you.

All right, Bruce, I’m up.



Yibba yabba yoo!


Stewie, William, you’re up.

Well, well, well, looks like the new kid got a pity invite.

My name’s William.

I’ve been on six airplanes.

You do sports, William?

You ever get your ass handed to you, sports-wise?

Not yet, Stewie, but if you throw the ball the way you threw back that cake, you should be in good shape.

Hope you got another set of pins, Bruce, ’cause this one’s about to explode.

Well, call me Norma Rae, ’cause you’re about to see a strike.

I watch a lot of movies at my grandma’s house.

On three?



Yes! And then there were nine.

It’s not fair!

Someone else was using my lucky dinosaur ramp!

Can’t beat the old strike-a-saurus!

♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪

♪ Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪

Are you here for shoes?

Yeah, but I’m not sure what size I am.

The sizing line’s right over there.

Just put your bare foot on my stomach and I can tell you your shoe size.

I don’t know. Next.

Little higher.

I don’t know. Next.

That’ll do, Pig.

That’ll do.

Peter, you’re up.

Just got to dry my hands first.

Ooh, how embarrassing.

What an unexpected, sexy turn of events.

So, did you guys know that Marilyn’s real name was Norma Jean?



And if you said hello to Bernard Schwartz, you’d be saying…

Saying hello to Tony Curtis. Yes, we know.

“Better smile when you say that, pilgrim.”

Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.

Yep, we remember from the list you emailed us, Joe.

You know, Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln, and Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.

Kind of makes you think, huh?

About what?


Sorry we left such a mess.

Let me help you with that.

Thanks, Meg.

Oop, looks like more vomit, and I done run out of kitty litter to soak it up.

That’s all right, I always keep a small bag in my purse.

You keep kitty litter in your purse?

Well, there’s not always a bathroom when I need one.

I don’t know how you handle all these kids every week.

Oh, I don’t mind. I like children.

Always wanted one of my own.

Someone I could raise a little bit better than my parents did me.

You’d be a great dad, Bruce.

You should totally have a kid.

I don’t know if you knew this, but it’s anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant.

Even Lindsey Graham?

Well, he’s certainly giving it the ol’ college try.

But I guess it’s just not in the cards for Jeffrey and me.

After all, you can’t make a bun without a oven.

Well, I have an oven.

I mean, it may not close all the way, and it’s definitely not self-cleaning, but it works.

You should thank your lucky stars for that.

Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t exactly have a lot of suitors.

It might be because you’s going potty in your purse all the time.

But at least you’s able to have a baby.

You’re right.

I can have a baby.

Mom, Dad.

I’m having Bruce and Jeffrey’s baby.

That’s wonderful.

What do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs?

[ANNOUNCER] It’s not an abortion, it’s an “oopsie.”

Meg, there is no way you are having Bruce and Jeffrey’s baby. I forbid it.

We agreed no more kids in the house unless it’s young Sheldon.

Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.

It’s not what you guys think.

I’m gonna be a surrogate.

But don’t you need an egg?

Or-or is that… Is that a bad question to ask now that penises and vaginas mean nothing?

Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out an egg donor from a website.

Okay, as your father, I’d like to say something.

You can just get hot eggs off the internet?

Wh-what, uh, what, uh, what, uh, wh-wha… uh, Wh-wha-what website?

[SIGHS] Meg, this is serious.

Pregnancy is not something you do for money or to keep a certain professional athlete interested after he blocks your number.

You’re gonna ruin your life, and I won’t have any part of it.

Well, too bad, ’cause I’m 18 and you can’t stop me.

Dang, no more sush for Meg for nine whole months.

That’s honestly what you’re taking away from all this?

Well, yeah. I’m still getting sush.

Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?

Ma, sush? Chris, sush?

Meg, no sush. Don’t even answer, Meg.

She’s like, “Aw, I want sush so bad.”

I’m like, “No, no, Meg, no sush, babe.”

Anyway, I’m gonna go out and get some sush.

I’ll be at CVS.

Aw, this is embarrassing. We wore the same thing.

Let it be noted that I was the one to change this time.

Anyway, good news. The fertilization of the hella-more-attractive egg was a success.

Brucie, we did it.

I’m gonna dress him in political t-shirts

he can’t even begin to understand.

Yes, so now we just have to implant that very hot embryo into Meg’s body.

Is this gonna hurt?

Not at all.

Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon.

You guys are gonna love this thing.

A clown died in there, but I think we got him all out.

Can someone please go get me a cup of buffalo sauce and a hollowed-out pickle to use as a straw to suck up the sauce?

Fine, but I’m making you a grilled cheese.

And not because I support this pregnancy.

I just enjoy making passive-aggressive grilled cheeses for people and then saying, “Here, here’s your freakin’ grilled cheese.”

[SNIFFING] Hey, Meg?

How many farts you been blasting off today?

We talking bigs and smalls?

Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?

Ah. Well, I am gonna run out of this room now and leave a comedically-shaped hole in the wall.

That was already there

from Dad’s drunk driving accident.

[PETER] Nope! Running from farts!

Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad as when that other lady was pregnant.

‘Member? The lady with the loose baked-eggs rack?

‘Member her?

Peter, that was me.

And no way was I worse than this.

Well, maybe this’ll turn out better than you think, like eating edible underwear in non-sexual situations.

I can’t believe you chose this for your last meal.

Well, I guess we’re both “shocked” today.

Okay, fellas, light me up.

You know what, he’s funny.

Now I see why our daughter got in that van.


[PETER] Yibba yabba yoo!

Well, maybe you’re right.

I’m just glad this day’s finally over.

Night, Peter.

Night, Lois.

[MEG] Mom! Dad!

[GROANS] Just ignore her.

She’ll tire herself out.

[MEG] Dad! Mom!


Lois. The daughter’s crying.

[MEG] I’m super wide awake

and I want to eat something really rank.

Lois, did you hear that?


[SIGHS] Okay. I guess I got this one.

Papa John, I’m sorry to bother you, but my pregnant daughter asked that I bring her the worst pizza ever, and yours is that.

You think we’re worse than Lunchables?



Look, my friend, my friend, my friend.

It’s late, we’ve done our research.

The sauce, the bread, the toppings, the way it’s cooked, the people cooking it, the way it tastes like the box it comes in.

It’s really, really the worst.

I mean, you even make butter dipping sauce terrible.

Well, do you want the butter sauce with the pizza or not?

Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything.

[SIGHS] What do you want, Chris?

Is it pump time yet?

Why do you care?

Meg, I’m a member of a very specific dark web internet site.

Don’t try to find it, you won’t be able to.

But this would be fairly monumental there.

Mom, Chris is being disgusting.

So are you. We’re all disgusting.

That’s what family is.


I knew this was a bad idea.

Yeah, marriage blows.

No, I mean Meg’s pregnancy.

I wish we could just fast-forward through the next couple of months until she gives birth and this whole thing blows over.

Well, team, I tried meth.

All right, guys, looks like I’m really liking meth.

Hey, guys, I need money.

Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now!

Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.

Your family has written some letters they’d like to read to you.

You liars!

Weird Easter this year.

Dad, you’re back!

Ah, we missed you so much.

Ah, I missed you guys.

Meth was great, but I guess it’s bad.

I don’t know, I’m not really sold on that yet.

We’re proud of you, Peter.

Uh, guys? I think my water just broke.

Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that.


Well, I see nobody brought me a doctor gift.

That’s fine, you still have a year.

Meg, I’m just going to check the contractions.

“Should’ve, would’ve, hadn’t, Ma’am, ’twas.” Oh, they’re getting closer together.

It’s coming! It’s coming!

Okay, we’re out of gloves, so I’m gonna catch it

with this panda express bag.

Are you sure this is safe?

Oh, yeah, panda bags are medical-grade.

Just never use a subway bag.

I’ve had, like, four go right through.

Uhp, it’s in the bag already.

It’s a girl.

What’s that big ol’ vine coming out?

She looks like one of them pumpkins in Cinderella.

♪ ♪


She’s beautiful.


Ooh, that’s awful loud.

Yeah, that’s a pee-poo-mix cry if I ever heard one.

And it’ll be a weird poo, that first one, trust me.

You-you know that volcano in Hawaii where the lava just slowly rolls through people’s yards?

It’s like that, only poo.

That does sound like a lot to deal with.

So, do you clean that up with, like, Kleenex and Febreezes?

You know what, why don’t I take the first shift?

Well, it would give us a chance to finish doo-dadding her room.

And we have to buy every product of known baby expert Jessica Alba.

Well, sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about.

Thanks, Meg. We’ll text you tomorrow.

Welcome to the world, little Liza Judy Barbra.

All right, sush time for Meg.

I know you want some hospital sush.

No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?

Ma? Diet max? Sush?

Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?

No? Well, I’m getting some sush and a max.

I’ll be at the cafeteria.

Don’t get the sush, guys.


Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.

It’s time for the bottle because I forgot to tweeze my nips.


This is getting ridiculous. It’s been three days.

Why haven’t Bruce and Jeffrey picked up their baby?

I don’t know. They’re, like, super busy.

Hey, look at the bright side, Lois.

With that baby around, you look like the hottest grandma in town.

[SCOFFS] The hottest grandma?

The-the hottest grandma? [CHUCKLES]


The hottest grandma!

Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.

The hottest grandma should be Jennifer Aniston, but the counting crows guy wasn’t ready to commit.

Poor bastard thought it was gonna be an endless run.

That was Bruce and Jeffrey.

They’re not coming to get Liza Judy Barbra until tomorrow now.

Ugh. Why not?

Not that you guys care about this sort of thing, but Jeffrey wrote a murder mystery that premieres tonight at the cracker barrel in Sturbridge.

Oh, no!

Yeah, but if you’s got to go…


I made this a cutaway so I could see the show.






[CHUCKLES] Yeah, yeah, it’s hard to laugh without farting.

Feels like you and me are on the same page about a lot of stuff.

We work well together, like the employees at T.J. Maxx.

Hey, where should I put these?

Just throw them on the floor and step on them.

That’s our founder’s motto.

[ANNOUNCER]T.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive in our empty parking lot.

Guys, look.

Look at me. Now that I’m a hot grandma, I bought one of those novelty wine glasses that’s big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine.

Isn’t that hilarious?

It’s okay. That was worth it for the joke.

You did good, Lois. You’re building a comedic voice.

Okay. Here we go, Liza Judy Barbra.

Your first strained peas.

Wow, she is the most memorable and endearing baby I’ve ever seen.

Okay, then.


Oh, I’m sorry, are you… are you almost done?

Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I’m just, I’m doing sets.

I’m just doing little sets.

Oh, cool, cool.

Guys, he’s doing little sets.

Cool, cool.

Little sets.

Cool, cool.

Meg, I am so impressed.

Yeah, I had no idea you could be so maternal.

I always saw you as a “drive into the lake” mom.

So did I, mom.

But, honestly, since Liza Judy Barbra was born, I feel like my life has purpose for the first time.

[SINGSONGY] Knock-knock.

I know this may be not a good time, but we just had to come see our little angel.

“Had to come see”?

Where have you two been?

Watching Mamma Mia and making popovers.

What is wrong with you two?

How irresponsible can you be?

I mean, this is your daughter you abandoned.

Abandoned? We wanted to come over, but Meg kept saying it was a bad time.

Meg, is that true?

[SIGHS] This baby needs me.

It’s the first living thing that’s ever needed me.

For once, my life has purpose.

And I’m good at this.

Better than these two, anyway.

Maybe she’s right.

What businesses do we have raising a child?

And how’s is we supposed to pay for her school?

With our Tesla and cashmere money?

I don’t think so.

We could dip into our boozy brunch fund.

Don’t you dare.

Oh, listen to me.

I wouldn’t know how to raise a baby.

I’m sure she knows that, too.

♪ ♪


[GASPS] Gaga?

Bruce, did you hear that?

She said her first gay icon.

Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Oh, my god, a second, lesser-known gay icon.

She wants her daddies.

Meg, I’m sorry.

I know we’re not perfect, but no parent is.

And this is our child.

She belongs with us.

But you don’t know anything about raising a child.

No one does.

That’s why two out of three don’t turn out right.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t try.

♪ ♪

Meg, we’ll always appreciate what you’ve done for us.

And you’ll always be a part of Liza Judy Barbra’s life.

Yeah. You’ll always be that slightly creepy teen who birthed our baby and then we gradually lost touch with.

You better promise.

We do.

We do.

In that case…

I’ll take a chance on you.

[OFF-KEY] ♪ If you’re all alone ♪

♪ When the pretty birds have flown… ♪


That can’t be the first time our baby hears ABBA.

That’s right. It should be at a jockstrap foam rave in Miami Beach, same as me.

What? Wait!

But-but I’m the hot grandma!

[GASPS] You’re a grandma?

You look amazing!

Oh, you. Come on.

Could a grandma wear this to a spin class?

I mean, yes, she could, because I did, so that happened.

Thank you, Meg. You’ve completed our family.

We have our baby and we have you.

Well, I guess that means I can get rid of all my hot grandma merch.

I’ll just donate it to Goodwill.

You know what “GILF” means, right?

Yeah. “God, I love fentanyl.”

You said it, pal.

Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I got to say, you two have really stepped up to become a couple of great dads.

Thank you, Lois. You sound a bit surprised, which seems right for a woman with that haircut, but you’re sweet to say so.



Someone’s being a little fussy britches.

Oh, she’s tired.

You get the lights and I’ll sing her to sleep.




Yeah, that seems about right for a guy with that haircut.

[QUIETLY] Thank you, Peter.


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