Family Guy – S20E19 – First Blood | Transcript

The guys' physical prowess is tested at Mayor West's dude ranch. Meanwhile, Stewie thinks he's gotten his first period.
Family Guy - S20E19 - First Blood

Original air date: May 15, 2022

After using the slip ‘n’ slide at a block party, Stewie discovers some blood in his trunks and suspects that he’s getting his period. Brian is convinced that the blood is due to him hurting himself on a bump in the slide, but Stewie doesn’t budge until he discovers that he isn’t bleeding the next day. Learning what spotting is, he assumes that he and Rupert are pregnant. Brian fails to snap him out of it again, but after faking an abortion, Stewie reveals that he knew he wasn’t pregnant all along. Meanwhile, Peter and the guys feel more tired than usual, so Mayor West offers them a weekend at his dude ranch to get their mojo back. He trains them to become cowboys, making them do a cattle run without his help, but a bear attacks them and steals Peter’s hat. The guys decide to get back at the bear for the sake of their manhood, only to reveal that it was all a test by Mayor West, who was in the bear suit the whole time. In the end, Lois attends a female version of the ranch alongside Bonnie and Donna, only to find the activities mundane.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy. ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Everyone, welcome to our summer block party.

Now, eat and drink up.

Yeah.

And also enjoy Pandora. It’s great music, and all the ads are tailored to me.

ANNOUNCER: Try Hims for Men.

If you’re experiencing erectile dysfunction, Hims for Men delivers right to your door.

Don’t tell your doctor about your heart problem, or he might not give you the penis pill.

Hims for Men.

Uh, must be some kind of mix-up.

I-I don’t even know what that product is.

Hi. I have an unmarked, discreet delivery addressed to “Peter Griffin’s Penis”?

Ah, yes.

I will take these business papers. Thank you.

This was supposed to be here yesterday.

I had to use tape and a Popsicle stick.

All right, time to Slippery Slide.

You sure? Slippery Slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.

Really? ‘Cause the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.

Hi.

Hola.

I’m a real boy who was put here by a witch.

Okay, Bri, watch and learn.

(laughing)

Yay! Fun!

Aah! (grunts)

Ah, public humiliation.

You must be a United States senator.

(laughs) Good one, Joe.

Come join me at the barbecue with the other favored men.

Yeah, we’re having a blast.

No, no, no. No, no. No.

Wow, Meg insisted that one corner of the grill be vegan, and then she ate a rib in front of everybody.

She’s all over the place today.

Oh, my God, there’s blood in my pants.

And it’s coming from my crotch.

I’ve seen enough commercials during The Good Wife to know there’s only one explanation.

Rupert, I’m having my period.

It’s a true rite of passage, like an Italian’s baptism.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, you will now drive a Camaro, hate every minute of your yearly vacation to Italy and get very upset when your sister starts to date.

Sorry I’m late. I brought Clark.

MEN: Hey!

Father, drown me in this water.

She’s breaking my heart.

I’m exhausted. Three beers at a barbecue, and my whole night was hand-against-the-wall pees.

What happened to me? I feel like… I feel like I’m in a funk.

CLEVELAND: I’m also in a funk.

But, nah, I, too, feel age-related weariness.

Yeah, I’m also pretty down. My real estate agent died.

What?

My real estate agent.

Like most single men, my only Christmas cards are from my realtor and the guy who sold me my car.

We kind of aged together.

♪ I seem to recognize ♪

♪ Your face ♪

(dialogue inaudible)

♪ Haunting familiar, yet I can’t seem ♪

♪ To place it ♪

♪ Cannot find the candle of thought ♪

♪ To light your name ♪

♪ Lifetimes are catching up with me ♪

♪ All these changes taking place ♪

♪ I wish I’d seen the place ♪

♪ But no one’s ever taken me ♪

♪ Hearts and thoughts, they fade ♪

♪ Fade away ♪

♪ Hearts and thoughts, they fade ♪

♪ Fade. ♪

How did he die?

He was screwing a client’s wife, and the guy shot him.

You know, I’m pretty down, too.

The other day, I was watching the birthdays segment on Entertainment Tonight.

Axl Rose is 60.

Wow, 60? Cleveland, how old is Heavy D?

Dead.

Aw, that sucks.

And I don’t know about you guys, but I’m terrified of everything now.

Like teenagers.

I hear that. If I see one on my route, I don’t deliver the mail.

What do you do with it?

Throw it in the ocean.

A seagull once fished out a college acceptance letter.

Got to go to Fordham.

Welcome to the Fordham class of 2026.

(seagull squawking)

(chuckles): All right. Glad someone’s excited.

Man, what the hell happened to us?

Why are we such losers?

♪ ♪

Sounds like you fellas are finding yourselves in a trough.

Oh, hey, Mr. Mayor. How are you?

Hey, can we talk about expanding bike lanes in urban centers?

Quagmire, shut up.

You shut up.

We’re not gonna change the Earth with silence, Peter.

If I may say so, I think you boys need to stop sitting in bars and cubicles and go recapture your frontier spirit.

Two terrible airlines?

I own a dude ranch on the outskirts of town.

You fellas should spend a weekend there.

You’d be surprised what a man can achieve when he steps away from the comforts of city life.

I bet you’ll find your courage and, who knows, maybe even some peace of mind.

Well, I think going there sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, it’s exactly what we need.

I’m in!

I’ve never seen a horse.

Great, it’s settled. We are going to a dude ranch.

All right!

Yeehaw!

I happen to know Austin, Texas, has eight-foot bicycle lanes.

Now, I’m not looking for anything that expansive, but if a greener Quahog is what we’re after, I think we’ve got to start moving the needle.

Oh, so just get rid of the sidewalks?

That’s not what I’m saying, Joe.

It sounds like that’s what you’re saying.

Hey, whatever this is?

Wrap it up before y’all show up to the ranch.

Yes, sir. And do we need special clothes for ranch dressing?

I’d wrap that up, too.

♪ ♪

(car door closes)

Wow, look at this place.

It’s pretty cool.

Oh, that’s a horse. I’ve seen those.

Morning, fellas.

Morning, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, can I get a room far away from the ice machine?

Ice machine?

See, that’s… that’s why I want to be away from it.

Fellas, I think we had a miscommunication.

This isn’t a hotel. It’s a working ranch.

You’ll do your chores during the day and sleep in the barn at night.

What? I thought this was a vacation.

Yeah, I thought it’d be fun, like Young Guns with Kiefer Sutherland and Blue Diamond Walnuts.

Sorry, but you’re not gonna find your pioneer spirit in a hotel.

Here, have a hat.

My own cowboy hat.

Listen up. This isn’t just a hat.

It’s an oath.

An oath that you’ll live by the cowboy’s code of honor.

You’ll wear it at all times.

You’ll put it over your face when you sleep, over your chest when you’re delivering bad news, and over your privates when an outhouse falls down comically around you.

PETER: Aah! Help!

Mine’s small enough that I don’t need the hat.

We’re gonna fix that.

Oh, Rupert, I need my heat pad, I need Kate, I need Leo, and I need ice cream.

And I need not a word from you about it.

Hey, Stewie.

Oh, hey, Bri.

Guess who woke up to a Red Dawn?

What?

You know.

Bobbin’ with the Red Robin.

Call off The Hunt for Red October, because we found it.

Red Rover, Red Rover, can’t go in the pool today, over.

None of these are actual phrases.

Says the man.

I’m having my period.

It’s like The Shining elevator down there.

My 21st Century Box

has been conquered by Eric the Very Red.

Yeah, this is getting dangerously close to a Will & Grace now.

But if you’re bleeding down there, it’s clearly because you hurt yourself on the Slippery Slide.

Oh, yeah? If I’m not having my period, then why am I drinking herbal tea from a large earthenware mug with no handle on it?

Stewie, trust me, boys can’t get periods.

Brian, it’s 2022… there’s no such thing as a boy anymore.

Or a girl. Just a vast sea of chubby “theys” and “thems,” so coddled by their sanctimonious woke parents who think activism is virtue-signaling on Instagram.

If Martin Luther King could come back, and see what they were doing in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

(slurping)

Maybe… maybe you are having your period.

If you fellas are gonna become cowboys, the first thing we need to do is pair you all up with a horse.

Great.

I want this one.

Now, hold on, Peter.

Real cowboys don’t choose their horse.

The horse chooses them.

♪ If you leave ♪

♪ Don’t leave now ♪

♪ Please don’t take ♪

♪ My heart away ♪

♪ Promise me ♪

♪ Just one more night ♪

♪ Then we’ll go our separate ways ♪

♪ We’ve always had time on our sides ♪

♪ Now it’s fading fast ♪

♪ Every second, every moment ♪

♪ We’ve got to, we gotta make it last ♪

♪ I touch you once ♪

♪ I touch you twice ♪

♪ I won’t let go at any price ♪

♪ I need you now like I need you then ♪

♪ You always said we’d still be friends ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ If you leave, I won’t cry ♪

♪ I won’t waste one single day ♪

♪ But if you leave, don’t look back ♪

♪ I’ll be running the other way ♪

♪ Seven years went under the bridge ♪

♪ Like time standing still ♪

♪ Heaven knows what happens now ♪

♪ You’ve got to, you got to say you. ♪

(crickets chirping)

Hey, Peter, just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

Yeah, I was pretty bummed, but then I found these great desserts labeled “cow pie.”

Hmm.

You’re off to a real bad start here, Peter.

Just a real bad start.

♪ ♪

Wow, can’t believe we’re doing a real cattle drive.

I know, look at us.

We’re cowboys.

Now, hold on, you fellas ain’t cowboys yet.

Not until you blaze your own trails.

A buddy of mine in high school could blaze his own trail.

Used to do it on the floor of the locker room and we’d be like, “Aah.”

While I appreciate the anecdote, we like to keep our entendre singular out here on the prairie.

Yes, sir.

What I mean, fellas, is that to find your courage, you need to do the last leg of this journey on your own and drive these cattle back to camp.

Awesome. I’ll drive this one.

Peter, the cattle chooses you.

♪ But if you leave, don’t look back ♪

♪ I’ll be running the. ♪

♪ ♪

Rupert, where’s my Kotex sanitary belt?

And do we still have any Wampole’s vaginal cones?

Well, this is weird. No blood.

It’s only been a day, I don’t understand.

No, I’m not going to ask about feminine hygiene issues on 4chan.

You’ve got to relax with that site, man.

Ah, here we are.

“Short-term, sporadic bleeding is generally not due to a period, but is more indicative of spotting.”

Spotting? What’s spotting?

Oh, my God, Rupert.

I’m pregnant!

How did this happen?

Ah, what do you care anyway?

I’m sure you’ll do what you always do, and bury yourself in your work.

(phone vibrating)

(door opens)

I have Stewie on one.

He says he’s been trying your cell.

Uh, Stewie, he just stepped into a meeting.

We’ll have to return.

One… two…

This court rules that the farmer has violated the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The farm hereby belongs to the sheep.

One.

Guys, I can’t go to sleep without watching a Frasier rerun.

Can one of you please tell me a Frasier?

All right. Once upon a time, Frasier auditioned for a community play…

No, not that one. One-one where he’s with Niles.

That’s fair, those are the best ones.

Once upon a time, Frasier and Niles were invited to a dinner party and both brought the same wine.

(snoring)

Look at that, already asleep.

Hmm, guess everyone’e sleeping.

It’s just me and you, Mr. Bear.

(growling)

B-B-B-Bear?!

(all scream)

It’s okay, guys, we might be getting attacked by a bear, or we might just be on Bear Scares.

What’s Bear Scares?

Only Latvia’s number-one bear prank show.

Aah!

(roars)

ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares… Latvia’s number-one bear prank show.

Now available on tapes sold on blankets by African guys in New York City.

Bear Scares… gorrgul.

ANNOUNCER 2: Bears sound different in Latvia.

(growls, roars)

What are we gonna do?!

Oh, no! The bear’s going after Quagmire.

Aah!

I’m gonna run behind this tree and then the bear’s gonna drag me out.

Me, and very clearly not a dummy who he then tosses around.

(growls)

Aah! Oh, no.

I’m being tossed around.

Oh, God. Now we’re all gonna be tossed around.

(growling)

PETER: Oh, no. Oh no, help.

JOE: Make him stop.

Aah! This is the real me!

My dummy’s riding a horse!

Giddy-up. Yaw.

Lil Nas X.

Well, glad to see you’re no longer crying on the couch.

Yes, it turns out I was wrong about my period.

Good. I’m glad you came to your senses.

Because I’m pregnant.

I’ll pay to get rid of it.

I-I’m sorry that’s… that’s just a reflex.

Yes, I freaked out at first, too, but I…

we decided it’s for the best.

So, if it’s a boy, I’m naming him Timothée after Timothée Chalamet, and if it’s a girl, I’m naming her Chalamet after Timothée Chalamet.

What do you mean you don’t like him?

Name another A-list actor who couldn’t sit in the front of a car because he’s too light.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

You don’t like him either?

For God’s sake, he looks like a marionette who broke loose from his strings.

He’s a daintier Eddie Redmayne.

If there’s another actor who you can put in your checked baggage without going over the limit, I’d like to hear it.

Damn it, Stewie, you’re not pregnant.

Oh, boy. The dog knows he’ll lose attention when the baby comes.

You are the baby! A male baby.

Look, I know all kids like to play make-believe and pretend to be adults.

Sometimes they even convince themselves of it.

Now, you’ve brought a new twist to this…

I don’t want to diminish how weird this is…

But it’s time for it to stop.

Because for God’s sake, you are not pregnant.

(crying)

Okay, look, I-I didn’t mean to break it to you so harshly.

No, no. I just realized now that I’m pregnant, I can’t eat sushi.

(sighs) You know what? Fine.

You’re pregnant.

Thank you.

It’s just too bad you’re gonna gain all that weight.

What?

When you’re pregnant, you gain, like, 30 pounds.

30 pounds?

But I only weigh 15.

Well, no matter. At least I’ll sleep comfortably and continue to have the same-sized, not-swollen feet.

But I just bought Thom Browne boots.

I got them for myself as a push present.

Sorry, Stewie.

Enjoy the miracle of life.

Oh, dear. Perhaps being pregnant will be more difficult than I thought.

And we still have to plan a gender reveal party.

Okay, would you rather do a cake reveal or burn Napa to the ground?

(birds chirping)

Oh, man, that bear kicked our asses.

Well, thank God we’re all okay.

Good job, Joe. You stayed positive.

It’s why you’re the rock of the group.

Wait a minute, where’s my cowboy hat?

I think the bear took it.

Who gives a (bleep)?

What the hell, Joe?

I always saw you as the rock of the group.

Damn it!

Don’t you see, fellas?

We made a oath to the mayor to get our manhood back.

And our hats are that manhood.

So, we’ve got to find that bear and get it back.

I don’t know, that sounds dangerous.

Come on, the whole reason we came here is ’cause we’ve turned into cowards.

The mayor wanted us to finish this cattle drive like real cowboys, and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.

We’ll do it with courage and teamwork.

Who’s with me?

Yeah, that’s the spirit.

Well, Bri, I’m heading out for sushi in my new boots.

So I’m guessing you got rid of the baby?

Yes, it was a tough decision.

But today I took a morning-after cocktail of Flintstones vitamins, Ovaltine, castor oil, and a splash of Dr. Pepper, since its name is both a medical professional and a vegetable.

Well, I think you made the right decision.

Me too. I’m probably the only person under 18 ever to say this, but being pregnant is fun until it forces you to make sacrifices in any way.

Uh, yeah, I guess that’s an okay takeaway.

I just hope little Timothée or Chalamet understands.

I think he or she would have grown up to be a strong woman or a very weak man.

So, uh, you know that you were never pregnant, right?

Yes, I went to the hospital for a sonogram and got yelled at by an angry nurse.

In case you were wondering whether she likes nonsense, she, um… she does not.

♪ ♪

I can’t believe we haven’t found the bear yet.

I was sure he’d be lured in by my tax portfolio seminar.

(growling)

(all scream)

Aah!

Uh-oh. I’m gonna get Revenant-ed.

Remember that movie we all said was amazing and then immediately forgot?

(roars)

Don’t worry, Peter, we got this.

(roaring)

(grunts)

Yeah!

All right!

And I lassoed his neck so he can masturbate.

Now give me back my hat, you son of a bitch.

WEST: Good job, fellas.

You really showed me something.

(all gasp)

Old Man West?

The owner of the ranch?

Peter, this isn’t Scooby-Doo.

You ever notice how most Scooby-Doo villains are small businessmen?

Who doesn’t like small businessmen?

Odd choice by the creators.

Sorry to put you boys through the paces, but I felt like you needed a little nudge to find your courage.

Here, Peter, you earned this.

Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

I’m gonna wear this hat forever.

Actually, Peter,

the hat chooses you.

♪ If you leave, I won’t cry ♪

♪ I won’t waste one single day. ♪

Oh, it’s good to have you home, Peter.

Thanks.

The ranch was nice, but I think the big lesson here is that no experience is worth sleeping on the ground.

Oh, God, no.

And my groin is a raging fire from one day on a horse.

Kids, don’t ever do things you don’t normally do.

You’ll just be punished for it.

(cackles) My blue-collar dad is hostile to new experiences.

(car horn honking)

Well, that’s Bonnie and Donna.

I have to go.

What?

Oh, the mayor also runs a ranch for women trying to get in touch with their femininity.

Ladies, these grocery carts are an oath.

Pretty sure the male version of this is better.

I might say the same thing about Ghostbusters.

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