Family Guy – S20E18 – Girlfriend, Eh? | Transcript

Peter and Chris take a road trip to Canada to prove the existence of Chris' girlfriend. Meanwhile, Lois and Meg compete for the attention of a handsome handyman.
Family Guy - S20E18 - Girlfriend, Eh?

Original air date: May 8, 2022

Returning home from Camp Washington Football Team, Chris reveals that he has a girlfriend named Jennifaire and uses his new status to provide Peter with unwanted relationship advice. At Quagmire’s suggestion, Peter takes Chris on a road trip to Canada, to prove that his girlfriend really exists. Peter makes several attempts to prove his son is lying, but lets it slip that he doesn’t believe he could get a girlfriend because he is a fat loser. Chris is hurt by this, but the two later make up when Peter confesses that he “used to be” a fat loser who faked a relationship in high school. Upon arrival at Jennifaire’s house, Chris pretends to break up with her in solidarity with his father. Meanwhile, Stewie breaks a hole in his bedroom wall via a treadmill accident, so Lois calls over a handyman named Jamie (Justin Hartley), whom both she and Meg end up smitten with. They make several attempts to spoil him while also trying to sabotage each other, but their antics eventually result in Jamie’s death. At the funeral, Lois meets his identical twin, only to learn that he doesn’t live in Quahog, much to her dismay. The episode ends with Peter at his high school reunion, attempting to maintain his previous lie, but once again to no avail.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

I’m home from camp.

Welcome home.

Meg’s been wearing your clothes.

Ah, my big man. How was Camp Angry Indian?

Oh, they had to rename it Camp Redface. Then soon after, Camp Washington Football Team. But camp was awesome. I got a girlfriend. She’s smoking hot, and she has some off the charts scary political views, but largely because of the smoking hot thing, we’ve decided to stay together.

My boy has a girlfriend? Oh, Chris, that’s amazing.

Good job, Chris. You’ve really impressed your old dad. Like Richard Gere’s gerbil impressed his dad.

(phone rings)

(phone beeps)

Hello?

GERBIL SON: (over phone) Dad, you’re never gonna believe where I am.

Freaking Doug.

(button beeping)

“Gooey Stewie, Gooey Stewie. Eats all day and now he’s ooey”. Yeah, right. I’ll show him.

Whoa, since when do you have a treadmill?

I took it from a Curves. They mostly just lie on mats.

(button beeping)

(grunts) Brian, help!

Hey.

Hey.

Bizarro Family Guy?

Bizarro Family Guy. It’s just the fire.

(device beeps)

Peter, how is a stud finder gonna help with this?

Beep, beep, beep. Looks like I found the stud.

(Peter and Stewie laugh)

Oh, I know we have our differences, but stuff like that, it-it-man, it’s just– I just-it’s-it’s fun.

Enough, Peter. I’m calling a handyman.

(cell phone beeps)

Fine. What’s in here, anyway?

Bizarro Peter?

Bizarro Peter. It’s just that I’m reading.

Peter, how many times do I have to tell you to stop leaving your wet swimsuit at the bottom of the stairs?

I never know when I’ll be back in the sprinklers. I got to be able to grab and go when they start spraying.

Ugh, you’re impossible.

See that, Chris? In the Hungry Hungry Hippos game of marriage, I just ate one of her marbles.

I don’t think you should be proud of that, Dad.

Excuse me?

Let me give you a nickel’s worth of free advice from one happily taken man to another. We’ve got two of these and only one of these, so we should listen twice as much as we talk. (chuckles) Remember, Dad, never question your wife’s choices. After all, you were one of them. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

Are you just quoting aprons you saw in a kitchen magazine?

The last few, yes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Chaturbate date with my love.

Isn’t it hard to find each other on there?

Yeah, but that’s part of the dance.

Hey, Jerome, could I get a Twisted Tea over here?

Uh-oh. Never a good sign when a guy strays from linear tea. Everything okay, Peter?

Eh, it’s just Chris. Ever since he got a girlfriend, he’s been insufferable.

Chris got a lady? That’s great.

Do we know anything about this girl?

All I know is he met her at camp, and she’s from Canada.

(inhales sharply) Trouble. Have you seen Chris FaceTime her or heard her on the phone or anything?

No, why?

Peter, I don’t know how to say this, but Canada is kind of a red flag.

Yeah, and white, with a big leaf in the middle. You’re awesome at flags. So what?

I hear Canada has a pretty handsome prime minister.

It’s Tru-deau.

Think about it, Peter, a Canadian camp girlfriend nobody has ever seen? Seems a bit suspicious to me.

What, you think he made her up? Chris wouldn’t lie about this.

You’d be surprised at what people lie about. Cleveland claims he likes Miller Lite because it tastes great.

It does.

It’s less filling.

Tastes great.

Less filling!

(somber violin music plays)

NARRATOR: The Great American Beer Conflict. Brother fought brother, mother fought daughter, father fought son. A nation divided over which was the least trashy quality of a crappy, domestic river beer.

(knock on door)

MEG: Door!

I know! Sheesh-kabibbles.

MEG: Who is it?

Oh, probably just the handyman here to fix the– Bocce balls!

(rock music playing)

(ding)

Hi there, young lady. I’m Jamie the Handyman. I heard you had a hole that needed to be filled.

(laughs) Yes. Is that a big job?

Nothing my caulk can’t handle.

So you just… fill the hole with your caulk?

Yes, it’s very thick, and it stays hard forever.

(moans)

MISSION CONTROL: We have liftoff on Operation Thirsty Housewife. Repeat, we have liftoff.

(cheering)

(rock music playing)

I didn’t say you could be in this.

Well, it’s still a bit moist, but should dry up soon.

LOIS, MEG AND STEWIE: Don’t count on it.

What’s that?

Nothing. Hey, um, I was hoping maybe you could come back tomorrow and fix our… sink or-or something?

Well, I usually charge a minimum of two hours, so… why don’t you call me when you have a few things for me to…

(banging, shattering)

(Lois and Meg grunting)

Okay, so for tomorrow, could you fix a few windows, a door ripped off its hinges and a thermostat that was smashed with a…

(indistinct whispers)

Fire poker.

Whoa, talk about flaming hot.

Bizarro Stewie, you rascal. We’re buds now. (screams) Still getting used to that.

LOIS: Peter, the stairs are all wet from your swimsuit aga…

(screams, grunts)

(Lois falling down stairs)

Put these in the shower.

Lois, I work hard to keep this family in wet bathing suits, and at the end of the day, all I want is to come home, relax, do a couple of rad jumps through Sprinkler City, and then enjoy a Popsicle on the front steps while I look at bugs.

We don’t deserve this guy.

Hey, Dad? Rule number one, your wife is always right. Rule number two, if your wife is wrong, please refer to rule number one. (sniffs, laughs) I got to text that to my girl later.

Why not right now?

Oh, she’s probably eating dinner, and we believe family time is special.

Uh-huh. So, Chris, what’s this “girl’s” name, anyway?

Jennifaire.

Well, I’d love to see Jennifaire’s Facebook page.

Oh, we don’t really believe in social media, but I can show you a picture.

What is this?

It’s an ad for Tim Hortons in Canada. She’s a model for them. She gets her weight in coffee free every month.

That’s too much coffee.

I also love coffee. It’s important in relationships to have shared interests. You could learn from that, Dad.

Look, I may have relationship problems, but at least I have a real relationship.

What are you saying?

You don’t have a girlfriend. You made her up.

No, I didn’t. She’s real.

She’s real, huh? Well, then, let’s go see her. You and I are going to Canada first thing in the morning.

Peter, don’t forget, you get the flu shot tomorrow morning.

We’re going to Canada right now.

And then, after, you’re supposed to have your prostate exam.

Tomorrow afternoon, we go to Canada.

And then on Friday, we refill your Percocet prescription.

Sometime next week, we’re going to Canada.

Peter, this is ridiculous. You don’t have to drive all the way to Canada just to prove a point.

Don’t worry, Lois, he’s gonna crack way before that.

Well, at least bring this thick sweater. Canada is its only chance to get out.

ALL: Larry.

See you on the other side, boys, and when I get there, I’ll send you a cable.

ANNOUNCER: This fall, Pixar presents: Sweaters. Pixar: We’re not a guaranteed home run anymore.

(sultry music playing)

Wow, this short skirt is making my legs look long and sexy.

Long legs, huh?

(sultry music playing)

(“Yankee Doodle” and sultry music play simultaneously)

(Lois and Meg grunting)

(music stops)

Everything okay?

(chuckles) Give us one sec, okay, Jamie?

What the hell are you doing?

Showing Jamie I have the sexiest and longest legs in this house.

Oh, this is Mama’s show, Meg.

What are you talking about? You’ve got Dad. Jamie’s mine.

Look, your dad’s away, and it’s time to load up my spank bank. All I need is one hug with a lower-back brush and a sniff of the neck, and I’m good for six years.

It’s not happening, old lady.

Meg, I’m warning you, if you don’t back off, I will end you.

You wouldn’t dare.

(theme from Terms of Endearment playing)

Only 100,000 meters to Canada. You stuck to your guns. No shame in admitting there’s no girlfriend now.

I’m not admitting something that’s not true.

Well, hey, because you definitely have a girlfriend, maybe you can tell me how you take a bra off. You just start blindly tugging until they sigh and do it themselves.

Been watching your old man, huh? Well, it sounds like you’re quite the relationship expert. I’m sure you can tell me what sex is like.

I could, or maybe you could tell me what sex is like.

Oh, I could for sure tell you exactly what sex is like.

♪ I got a brand-new pair of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key ♪

♪ I think that we should get together ♪

♪ And try them out, you see ♪

♪ I been looking around a while ♪

♪ You got something for me ♪

♪ Oh, I got a brand-new pair of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key. ♪

Jamie will be here any minute to start on some repairs. I don’t want any more drama, Meg.

You won’t get any from me.

(knock on door)

Hey, there’s the birthday girl.

(chuckles) What? What are you talking about?

Hi. I’m with Kassabian Sheep Shearing. I’m here to shave Meg’s back.

So, my doctor was like, “Oh, my gosh, you’re so young you should probably be going to a pediatrician.”

A baby doctor?

Yeah, no, j-just as a joke because, you know, I seem so young, I think.

Hey, Mom, I’m doing a school report. Who was president when you were born?

Uh, Dwight D. Ei-Oh, you bitch. Clinton. Dwight D. Clinton.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman because I am extremely old and have a windsock penis.

Look, I know how attached you are to your girl, but I for one am very curious to see a Canadian strip club.

(rock music playing)

ANNOUNCER: Fellas, put your mittens together for Brandi.

♪ ♪

God, just imagine when she takes off her middle pair of socks.

Dad, what are we even doing here? I’m in a committed relationship.

Geez, relax. I figured maybe you’d like seeing a real girl or two.

Real girl?

I can’t believe you still won’t accept that I have a girlfriend.

It’s just, it’s just, it’s not adding up.

Oh, please. Mom’s way out of your league, so why can’t you get it through your thick and huge head that I found someone great?

Head’s not that huge, and Mom is not way out of my league. We both have strengths and weaknesses as people.

Shut up. You’re the luckiest guy on earth. Mom’s hot and does everything. You’re not hot and do nothing.

You know why I don’t believe you have a girlfriend?

Why?

Because you’re a fat loser.

(gasps)

(crying) I hate you.

Ah, Chris, I didn’t mean… (groans) Oh, no, I probably just ruined his self-esteem forever.

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome our next dancer, Chris Griffin.

(sobbing) This is because of you, Daddy.

Come on, Chris, get in the car.

No. You called me a fat loser.

Yeah, like P-H, phat, and P-H, loser. Okay, I didn’t want to resort to this, but I have a Mountain Dew with limited-edition X Games packaging in here.

You’re playing dirty pool. As a teen, I’m required to be excited by that.

Wow, flatland skateboarder Rodney Mullen.

(soda fizzes)

(slurps)

Ah. As soon as I finish this bottle and then bring it home to put on a display shelf in my room, I’m going back to walk on the road.

Hey, Jamie. I just baked some cookies when you’re ready for a break.

Man, you guys are spoiling me. Let me work on these gutters first.

♪ ♪

(screams)

(grunting)

(rapid grunting, yelps)

(groans)

(sizzling)

I’m okay.

Oh, thank God.

(both gasp)

Oh, my God, Jamie. Ja… It’s out. It’s out. It’s very out.

(somber organ music playing)

And as they say, when God takes a handyman, he must need a cloud fixed. We miss you, Jamie. Our Carhartts are broken. Now, please join us for an Arby’s catered reception. We ask that you leave your cups and cigarette butts on the ground or in attic crawl spaces to be found years later.

I-I can’t… You look so much like him.

Jamie was my twin brother.

Oh, you must be so sad. Are you also a handyman?

No, I’m an inner thigh masseuse, specializing in moms in their 40s.

(purrs) You must need a hug.

(moans)

(sniffs)

(moans)

In Florida, which is where I’m headed back to now. Nice meeting you.

Sorry, bro. Three’s a tough number for travel.

(clears throat) Maybe we should try the radio.

DJ: You’re listening to Canadian Sports Talk Radio. How aboot our teams, eh? They’re all oot there trying super hard, and that’s what matters most.

DJ 2: Yeah, outstanding effort all around. What a neat group of guys.

DJ 1: Great point, bud. The players are nice, and coach does the best he can…

Bunch of bums.

(Chris sniffling)

(whimpering)

You okay?

What do you care?

(tires screech)

(inhales deeply) I’m sorry for calling you a fat loser.

It really hurt my feelings. Why would you do that?

Well, this is hard for me to admit, but… I used to be a fat loser.

What?

In high school, I said I had a hot Canadian girlfriend and that she was the Vanna White of Canada. Nobody believed me, so I made up a game show at an all-school assembly to prove it.

Okay, so earlier, you said the winner of round one is immune from the sudden death round?

They are.

But our handout says the sudden death round is part of the champions circle, which determines the winner. So, the round one winner can’t win the game?

Eventually, it all worked out. I met your mom, I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her up some stairs and accidentally had Meg. But high school was a rough couple of years.

Wow, Dad, I-I had no idea.

I never told anyone that story. I just wanted to save you from some of the pain and humiliation I went through. You and I are a lot alike.

You think so?

I know so. I sure do love you, son.

I love you, too, Dad.

♪ ♪

This the spot?

Looks like it.

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself about your girlfriend. I’m glad we took this trip together.

Me, too, Dad.

Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say thanks.

(sighs) There’s no girlfriend. I made the whole thing up. I guess we’re both a couple of fat losers, huh, Dad?

It’s okay, buddy. And what do you say we head home? And on the way, we can even watch that new Pixar movie Sweaters.

Another home run?

You bet it might be.

(cell phone chimes)

(cell phone buzzes)

Well, that was quite an adventure, but I’m happy to be home.

I’m happy you’re back, too.

Where’s Dad?

Oh, he had his 25th high school reunion.

And then whoever has the most points is named the “Moose with the Most.” Any questions?

Yeah, if the show was so popular in Canada, how come they never showed reruns in the States?

Good question. It was created by the CBC, which is a pipeline to the BBC, which ran it quite regularly, but that preexisted BBC America, so there was no U.S. system in place. Next.

Yeah, say you win a trip in the Moose Pit Challenge, but you’re unable to go due to some previous conflict?

You have one calendar year to take the trip.

And if you win the Cash Bash, are you taxed on your winnings?

You have to declare the gross amount on your taxes that year.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, makes sense.

Guys, I’ve had 25 years to perfect this. You’re not gonna stump me.

Yeah, you said it was the best-rated show in Nunavut in the ’90s, but Nunavut wasn’t separated from the Northwest Territories until 1999.

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