Family Guy – S20E15 – Hard Boiled Meg | Transcript

Meg is invigorated by her new role as a getaway driver, Meanwhile, Quagmire can't rid himself of the hiccups and implores Peter to kill him.
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Family Guy - S20E15 - Hard Boiled Meg

Original air date: March 20, 2022

Meg is invigorated by her new role as a getaway driver, Meanwhile, Quagmire can’t rid himself of the hiccups and implores Peter to kill him.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

(news intro music plays)

A little taste of the future right here in Quahog? That’s right. Virtual Reality World has just opened its doors to the public. For those of you who don’t know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it to you without the aid of a teleprompter. You put a computer on a face, and it’s like this whole world, man. It’s crazy. I dated a chick whose little brother had one. Just nuts.

Guys, let’s go to VR World.

Hell yeah.

Let’s do it.

All right.

I mixed up the letters. We-We’ll… We’ll-we’ll get there.

Gentlemen, the going rate is 20 bucks a game over here. Who’s got a pair of stones big enough to challenge the mighty Meg? My money’s on the table.

Can you please get out of my way?

Come take my money.

My hand is bleeding, and I need to wash it so it doesn’t get infected!

Oh, okay. He scurred. Everybody scurred. Damn bunch of panzos over here. Bruce, how we doing on those Gulden’s packets? I got my mind on my mustard and my mustard on my mind.

(slurps) There it is.

What is going on with you today?

I’m just so bored.

Ain’t nobody forcing you to stay here. Go do something.

I did. I went over to that new car wash. They got all the rainbow lights. Real classy joint. Anyway, they say I can only go through five times. Like, why would you restrict that?

Listen, Meg, I got to run. A special-needs boy got his hands on a Rum and Coke, and he’s absolutely destroying the arcade.

MAN: Hey, if you really got nothing going on, I could use a ride home.

(scoffs)

Yeah, like I’m really gonna let some… hot piece of ass in my car. How the hell are you doing, boy?

(chuckles) I’m good, thanks. My name’s Seymour.

I’m Meg. But everyone here calls me Thrash.

Heya, Meg.

Wow.

Yeah, I’ll give you a ride. Just hope you don’t mind going fast.

Here, let me show you how it’s done.

(phone vibrating)

Oh, sorry. That’s my phone.

Let it go to voice mail.


Gentlemen, welcome to Virtual Reality World. Now, who’s ready to put something on your face that was on someone else’s face 15 minutes ago?

Wow! Mine says, “Low battery. Charge immediately.” Is this real life?

Aw, cool. Virtual Reality: The Hulk.

What’s going on? What’s happening?

I don’t know. It’s weird. It keeps stopping and rebooting. Eric Bana, smash. Edward Norton, smash. Okay, here we go. Mark Ruffalo.

Are you smashing?

No, I’m mainly just updating my Twitter avatar to raise awareness about fracking.

That’s lame. Try getting angry.

Uh, I don’t get angry. I vote. I vote.

So, Seymour, you from around here?

Just moved here from Philly.

Oh, right on. I love Philly.

I hated it…

Kind of a dump.

When I had to leave.

Great town.

Maybe I’m thinking of Dallas. You want some mustard?

No, thanks. I had a chalky, expired Kit Kat at the bowling alley.

Right on.

(grunting) Sorry for all the packet racket. These things can be a little tricky. There we go. (slurps) Hooah! It’s that tang that gets me.

Hey, Meg, would you mind pulling over at this 7-Eleven?

No doubt. I am the same way. Once I start thinking about that hot case, I gots to pull over.

I’ll just do sex. You don’t need that.

Wait right here.

What the… What is happening right now? Damn it. I should have just stayed home. This is a bigger mistake than the Bill Belichick Christmas album.

(“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” playing)

(monotone): ♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ♪

♪ Had some real explosive plays ♪

♪ And if we saw zone defense ♪

♪ We knew that it was gonna give us the best ability ♪

♪ To get the ball down the field ♪

♪ And we understood our opponents ♪

♪ Might have some difficulty with that. ♪

(Quagmire hiccuping)

What’s up with those hiccups?

I don’t know.

(car door closes)

I think I said “giggity…” too fast when the guy was… explaining how the goggles… sit on your face. Now they’re not going away.

Boo!

What are you doing?

You can scare ’em away.

You thought that would scare me? Crap. Why aren’t they going away? This is worse than the B side… of that Bill Belichick… Christmas album.

(monotone): ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ $4 million ♪

♪ And a player to be named later. ♪

(alarm blaring)

Let’s go, Meg! Drive!

(tires squealing)

♪ ♪

(horn honks)

(siren wailing)

♪ ♪

(sirens wailing)

(exhales) All right, Meg. That was awesome. Where have you been all my life?

Probably mostly at my house. Oh! One time, my dad took me to see Stevie Nicks when my mom was sick.

(song finishes)

(cheering and applause)

What do you think she’s gonna play next, Dad?

I don’t know, but if it’s “Edge of Seventeen,” back up. I need some twirling room.

♪ ♪

Oh, this is it! This is it! Back up! Back up! Back up!

Well, look who’s finally up.

Oh, I’m up, all right.

Meg, drive!

(tires squeal)

How do you want your eggs?

120 miles an hour on the razor’s edge between life and death.

Okay. I’ll just do, like, a cheesy scramble.

Hey, Dad, is it all right if I use the car again?

Yeah, that’s fine. Why? What do you got going on?

Oh, just some stuff.

(sirens wailing)

(tires squealing)

(horns honk)

What was all that noise in your bedroom this morning?

Oh, you know, not much.

(playing polka music)

(Quagmire hiccuping)

All right, Mr. Quagmire, I understand you have the hiccups. Now, it says here on your chart you’ve tried “boo.” Outside of that, the best way to treat hiccups is through hypnosis.

Yeah, hypnosis helps with all sorts of stuff. This guy even helped me recover a traumatic repressed memory.

One front-row ticket for Nickelback, please.

The music was great, but I split my black jeans during “Photograph.” The bouncers had to carry me out with a napkin over my ass.

(Quagmire hiccuping)

My mama always said that hiccups are a sign that the devil’s got ahold of you. If anything can drive ’em away, it’s Reverend Lucius.

And, like all Black priests, he’s Whitney Houston’s uncle.

Is this the possessed one? Son, I’m now going to place my hands on the afflicted area. Satan, release your grasp from this man. In the name of Christ, I exorcise thee, infernal invader!

(hiccups)

Well, I’m out of purple-suited ideas.

Peter, what are you doing?

He’s doing hiccup stuff. I’m doing hat stuff. Easy with the fans, ladies. Easy with the fans.

(alarm blaring)

Right on time.

♪ ♪

(tires squealing)

(horn honks)

(siren wailing)

(tires squealing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(train whistle blows)

(railroad crossing bells clanging)

Meg, what are you doing? You’re not gonna beat it.

Who said anything about beating it? Can you pass me that retainer in the cup holder?

(train whistle blowing)

(slow-motion): I have to wear it or my teeth will shift.

(slow-motion): That’s smart. Mine have shifted. See?

♪ ♪

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about, Meg!

(whoops) I love hanging out with you. That was such a rush! This must be what it’s like to get a B12 shot.

Hi. I’m a bored white person looking to waste $60?

Well, I have a certificate from a probably, like, three-day course that says I can inject people with stuff.

That needle’s clean, right?

You bet it is.

(hiccuping)

(sobbing)

(knock on door)

(hiccuping): Hey… I saw your TV was on and thought I’d… swing by.

Geez, you look like hell.

Listen, I’m at the end of my rope here. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Peyton Manning was accused of assaulting a woman… and it just kind of went away. I need you to do something for me, Peter.

What is it? You name it.

I don’t want to live like this. I need… I need you to kill me.

What?! Quagmire, I can’t do that. You’re-you’re my best friend.

If that’s true, then you’ll… do it. You don’t know what it’s been like. I can’t remember the last time I slept… 15 minutes straight. It’s torture, Peter… and it’s driving me insane! Please… I’m begging you.

(hiccups)

Well, if it’s really come to that, if that’s what you really want, I’ll do it.

Oh, thank you, Peter. And you have to do it. You can’t let me out of it, no matter how much I insist.

It’s done. I’ll come get you tomorrow.

Thank you, Peter… thank you so much.

What are you doing with your Hawaiian shirts?

I want them tightly folded like a flag at a military funeral.

(playing “Aloha ‘Oe”)

There’s a condom in the pocket. And it’s used.

(sobbing) Who else but Quagmire?

Burn. Why aren’t you burning?

(calypso music playing)

Uh, Black Irish, Chris. I never burn, only tan. Uh, hey, Kel, how’s that cocktail coming along?

Listen, Meg, I’ve got a big job I’ve been thinking about. I’m talking huge.

You’re not… You’re not seriously thinking about robbing Ross Dress for Less.

Ross Dress for Less. Exactly.

It’s their Memorial Day sale this weekend.

Big job.

Big savings. That’s Ross Dress for Less.

Gonna need a hell of a driver.

I knew I could count on you. What kind is this?

It’s French’s.

(babbling, slurping)

Oh, my God, Meg’s gonna commit a robbery. What am I gonna do?

Chris is in distress?

Herbert is in distress?

Old turtle.

Hey, Meg? I need to talk to you about something. About Ross Dress for Less.

What? How do you know about that?

I heard what you said in the car. Meg, I think you’re very confused about something.

Oh, what? Wait, wait, let me guess. Seymour’s just using me? Trust me, Chris, I’m not confused about anything.

No, Meg…

Stop spying on me, you little creep.

Oh, man, I got to tell somebody. But first, let’s have a look at this sex toy drawer. Wow, big sex toy. And big savings. That’s Hitachi.

(hiccuping): Goodbye, baby girl. Daddy’s going away for a while. Ugh, I can’t… (sobbing, hiccuping)

(yowls)

Ow! Ouch! God, those claws went right through my pants. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, they’re gone. Kitty, you did it! You broke the curse!

(muffled scream)

(muffled): Peter, no! They went away. My hiccups are gone.

Oh, no. That’s exactly what you said not to listen to.

(grunts) Peter, please! I swear, they’re gone! Listen!

Sorry, Quagmire. I promised to take you out of your misery. And when I give my word on something, I give it my all. Like when I guarded Jeffrey Epstein.

(Russian accent): We would like to see prisoner.

On whose authority?

Your mother.

(sneers)

All right, I was able to hack into the city’s server. There’s an accessible heat duct on the southwest side of the building. If we set off an explosion here…

Meg, I’m just gonna walk in and point a gun at the cashier.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that-that should work.

(car door opens, closes)

Yeah, we don’t need the timer, either. It won’t be a factor in anything I do.

You okay back there, Quagmire?

QUAGMIRE (muffled): Why do you care if you’re just gonna kill me anyway?

We’re still friends. Geez.

(alarm blaring)

That store is a disaster. The robes are next to the hand weights.

(chuckles): I mean, come on. Go, Meg! Let’s go.

(tires squealing)

(horn honks)

(siren wailing)

♪ ♪

(tires screech)

♪ ♪

(sirens wailing)

(boat horn honking)

(bell clanging)

♪ ♪

(tires screech)

We did it! Meg, that was… Wow.

(both moan)

You’re not just using me, are you?

What would give you that idea?

I don’t know. Just used to being hurt, I guess.

Meg, in addition to being the most kick-ass getaway driver I have ever seen, I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Really?

♪ Lift up your head ♪

♪ Wipe off that mascara ♪

♪ Here, take my Kleenex ♪

♪ Wipe that mustard away ♪

♪ Show me your face ♪

♪ Clean as the morning ♪

♪ I know things were bad ♪

♪ But now they’re okay ♪

♪ Suddenly Seymour. ♪

(gunshot)

(grunts)

Seymour!

(tires squealing)

Meg, get out of here. I’ll take the heat for this.

What? Why?

Because you’re my sister and I love you.

But what do we do about Seymo… What the…?

Meg, there never was a Seymour. Think about it.

Just hope you don’t mind going fast.

Ooh. Big, flat butt, 11 o’clock.

I got it.

(Meg babbling)

(slurps)

Oh, Seymour.

(slurps)

♪ ♪

(imitating engine noises)

Don’t turn the wheel, please.

I don’t understand.

I watched you in front of Ross Dress for Less. You were just revving the engine with your hand down your pants. Look, whatever’s going on with you, we’re gonna figure it out.

Thank you, Chris.

(grunts) What the hell?

We’ll talk later. Just go.

Hey, you got to frickin’ watch where you’re going, man. Chris? What are you doing out here?

Oh, y-you caught me. I, uh, I stole your car and went on a joyride. (chuckles): Yeah!

Chris, I am very disappointed in you, and you are grounded, and we will talk about this after I kill my best friend.

Well, Peter, I’m glad the gun jammed and Quagmire’s still alive.

Yeah, the gun definitely jammed and I didn’t miss him with all six bullets, that’s for sure.

What are we gonna do about Meg? She’s upstairs having very loud sex with her imaginary boyfriend.

MEG (off-key): ♪ Suddenly Seymour. ♪

(news intro music playing)

Maybe this has something to do with that.

The FDA has issued a recall on four brands of mustard due to possible E. coli contamination. So far, there have been three confirmed cases here in Rhode Island. Symptoms of infection include fever, diarrhea, and delusions of having a criminal boyfriend.

Wow. That Family Guy simulation was really freaky. It’s like I was in the episode.

I’ll say. Do you want to do a Bob’s Burgers?

Dude, lead with that next time.

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