Original air date: March 13, 2022
The Griffins present their versions of three HBO shows: “Game of Thrones”, “Succession” and “Big Little Lies”.
* * *
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪
All right, thank you very much. Guys, great news. My uncle just died, so we can use his HBO Max password until they cancel his credit card.
HBO? Is that the one with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?
No, you watch Marvelous Mrs. Maisel where you also go to buy sweatpants and cat food. Let’s start with Game of Thrones, which aired eight seasons and was beloved by America for six-and-a-half seasons.
Rated “M” for Penises
GEORGE “RAILROAD” MARTIN
THAT’S WHAT THE R’S STAND FOR
(kissing, soft moaning)
Sorry, Lady Lotsaclothes, it’s not happening. I shouldn’t have had that entire elk for lunch.
That’s okay, Jon Yellowsnow. You know, this has been happening a lot after your week in Mykonos. Should I try using the Timothée Chalamet mask?
Could be worth a shot.
It’s a raven from my twin sister, Queen Hearsay. She says her friend told her that the king is dead.
Oh, this one just says, “Girl, you trippin’.”
That’s so raven.
It’s time. I must go to King’s Landing to stake my claim as the true and rightful heir to the iron throne.
Be careful, Jon Yellowsnow.
I will be handsome, and that will be enough.
Ah, Joe the Broken. I haven’t seen you in a fortnight.
Yeah, I’ve been playing Overwatch lately. Where you headed?
I’m going to King’s Landing to take the iron throne.
No way. You’re a pretty rad dude, Jon Yellowsnow.
Yeah, I’m a white guy with a Jheri curl, so I have to be.
Mind if I come with?
Why should I bring you?
Because I can warg. Check it.
Ooh, that felt so good. I have this cool power, but I’m not positive how to use it yet.
Now that King Dad’s dead, I want to sit on the iron throne.
Now, don’t be too hasty, Joffrey, you’re fourth in line behind your brothers Jumpen, Fallum and Splat.
As you are the new king, I will be whispering far too close to your ear, and you should know that I have a special brooch that I wear. That’s my character. So, if you need a brooch, I’ll, uh, I’ll be here.
Thanks, Lottafinger. Always good to have a brooch guy.
Hey, whose leg do you have to hump to get a Dornish wine around here?
What’s Uncle Doggian doing here? I don’t like him.
Neither do I, but he is the paw of the king. He’s smart, so we need him.
(chuckles) I have two skills: I drink and I know things.
Oh, word? What things do you know?
Like, so many things.
War. Tons about war.
What about it?
It’s bad. Like, really, super bad.
Is that all you know?
No. Front lines, flanking… planking…
Uh, I think it’s both, but we can broach that subject later.
Hmm? Somebody say brooch?
Oh, no worries.
All hail His Grace, Joffrey of Houses Baratheon and Lannister, First of His Name, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and High Score on Mario Kart.
I am Jon Yellowsnow, the one true king and rightful heir to the throne.
Who’s this guy?
I’m Joe The Broken. I can warg.
No way, I love wargers. Show me.
I would, I just… I don’t really have to go potty right now.
I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons. Is there a problem here?
Uh, no, no. No, uh, n-no problem, really. I-I just didn’t know the Seven Kingdoms had any, um, strong, beautiful… persons of color? Did I-did I get that right?
Well, we out here, literal baby.
Yeah. Right on. Good. Man, you know, you should’ve heard me the other day, I was-I was like– I was alone, by the way, nobody heard me– I was like, “When are the suits gonna make persons of color a part of the show, a small part of the show?”
Joffrey, we have bigger problems than that. The white walkers are on their way.
What? How do we know you’re telling the truth?
Because they sent a very white walker ahead.
Excuse me, do you know if Costco has any of those Tommy Bahama beach chairs left?
The battle’s tonight, right? I wasn’t being pranked?
STEWIE: The white walkers are approaching! Battle stations!
Prepare for the most epic battle of all time that nobody will see because it’s too dark, and we’ll say it’s because they have bad TVs.
Everyone! Fire! What happened?
CHRIS: He’s dead. He’s alive! He’s dead again.
All sorts of, trust me, very expensive and groundbreaking effects.
Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop. That’s us. That’s us. Stop, man.
They’re giving up and running away.
Well, the important thing is we all survived and won the battle against the people that can’t die.
Don’t worry, guys, I’m gonna be a great king.
What are you gonna do that’s so great?
I will make it illegal to say, “My trainer kicked my butt this morning.”
That’s pretty good. Anything else?
I decree that you may post your wedding photos once. That’s it. Everyone has anniversaries. That’s for you. It’s private. Also, Fleabag was fine.
Oh, I loved Fleabag.
It was fine.
Well, that’s the story of Game of Thrones, and you can watch it on HBO Max. And, hey, while I got you here, why aren’t the Real Sex episodes on HBO Max? It’s part of the catalogue. Dance with the pervert shut-in who brung ya.
Flat white for “Hold the Door”?
Hodor? That’s me.
* * *
That was fun, huh?
Yeah, I love shows where white people argue about who’s in charge.
Then you’re in luck. The next show is called Succession. This show is so popular that almost 6,000 people in New York and Los Angeles have seen it.
Surely you’re joking, I mean…
I’m joking, yes, but not by a ton.
As you all know, I am the most powerful man in media. But, like Bryan Cox, I can’t find a sport coat that fits.
What up, dicks? I cuss and I sit weird in chairs.
Now, I’m getting on in years here at P-Stream Industries, and it is time I choose my succession. But I feel great, and I probably got 30 years left in me. But it’s time for me to step away and give it to one of you. None of you are getting this company! But I need it to be one of you.
I’m ready to step up and pee on carpets if you need me, Dad.
Oh, you think you’re ready, big shot? Have you even seen Boss Baby once?
You said it was scary.
Only one part. Okay, I will see everyone at my birthday party tomorrow. And remember, I need you all to start fighting over the company, but I will be here for a long time.
Man, I love this dad that we all hate.
(thick accent) Hello, Christopher. I’m just gonna sit over here while you quietly wonder which country I’m supposed to be from.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday, Pops.
Oh, I don’t care about birthdays.
We brought gifts.
Yay, birthdays! I’ll remind you I still haven’t decided who gets the company, but that my decision will not be made based on who gives me the best gift.
He-Man! You get the company.
Wait, open mine, Dad.
A Nintendo Switch. You get the company.
Wait, Dad, there’s one more.
What the hell is this?
I-I just figured, you love helicopters so much, maybe you could pretend you were one?
No. Clothes is boring. This birthday stinks. Nobody gets the company.
Um, I accidentally took another carpet whiz, so Lois says I have to give one of you the company. I’ll hear presentations at the corporate retreat next week.
Everyone, put rocks on your napkins.
There are no more rocks.
Okay, guys, guys, rocks are not, like, a magic thing, all right? It’s anything heavy, is what the idea is.
(whirring blades stop)
Now, welcome, successions. I’m about to die, and I’m sharp as ever. Let’s start the presentations. Brian and Stewie?
P-Stream Industries. What does it mean? Well, perhaps we need to go back. All the way bac…
PETER: No. Just songs.
(jaunty piano music plays)
Hey, Bri? I was just thinking back to our London trip.
Did things there seem a bit… odd?
♪ Oh, in London Town, the tube is the telly ♪
♪ Where the gin is dry and the feet are smelly ♪
♪ What they call jam ♪
♪ We call jelly in Lond… ♪
No. I hate this. Stop! All songs must be country duets. Chris and Meg, you’re up.
(playing “Islands in the Stream”)
♪ P-Stream Industries ♪
♪ That is what we are ♪
♪ From one owner to another, oh, oh. ♪
Stop! After watching how bad you guys are at singing songs, I’ve decided I’m staying at P-Stream Industries.
Look, a lot of people say P-Stream is weak, but the truth is P-Stream has never been stronger or more vital. When I chose to bifurcate P-Stream people said it was gonna be a mess. And sure, there’s been times when P-Stream’s been in the red. It hurt, but this isn’t the time for P-Stream to be yellow. It’s clear now. I am staying.
Was that just so…
Yeah, it was just about pee, but I’m staying. And I’m running the company with Big Bird, since he’s at HBO now.
I’m actually Gwendoline Christie. I play Brienne on Game of Thrones. I fear I may be a bit late.
You get the company.
* * *
Peter, pick a better show.
I was barely in that.
What HBO show do you want to do?
Easy. Big Little Lies.
Isn’t that a show about five women?
Oh, I suppose it would be better if it were about five men?
Now that’s interesting.
How bad is it?
Now, why would a person poop at the bottom of a school staircase? And why are all the men dressed like Audrey Hepburn and the women like Elvis?
It was Peter Griffin’s idea, sir.
For some reason, Peter always wants to dress like a woman.
Just as a joke.
Yeah, I sniffed the poop. I didn’t roll in it. I wanted to.
Personally, I think it all started with that incident with the Monterey five on orientation day.
Oh, my God, I love your shirt.
I wear it because I’m poor.
That’s charming. I really like you.
Even though I’m poor?
Hon, I like you because you’re poor.
Chris and Peter became a little team after that. I even saw them holding hands once under the pier.
Yeah, as a joke.
This is my new poor friend, Chris.
I’m Joe. I sometimes have soft-focus shower sex with my abusive wife.
I’m Quagmire. I’m rich, so I named my daughter after a recently gentrified city: Boise. What’s your kid’s name?
Eyes and ears, please. Somebody bullied little Boise today. They said her dad had the cheapest Tesla. The one you can’t drive very far.
I was an early adopter. Boise, point to the kid who said that.
Jacksonville, did you say it?
He’s lying! He needs to apologize.
He didn’t do anything.
This isn’t over. Come on, Boise. Let’s go get $20-rhubarb nonsense ice cream.
Just an FYI, I say a lot with my hand over my heart so you know I’m being sincere. We love that you’re here.
We love being here. I’ve never had coffee by the water before.
Since you’re not from here, can I ask if you’ve been to a Burger King and if it’s true they’ll give anyone a crown?
I’ve definitely been in them, but I’m not positive about the crown thing.
Be careful in Monterey. It’s not just outdoor fireplace wine shops and the opening credits bridge that’s actually in Big Sur. People talk behind your back here.
But you don’t?
No, I don’t play those games.
Hey, I’ll be right back. I’m gonna grab another napkin.
Boy, that guy Chris kind of sucks, eh? I want you and Jacksonville to come to Stewie’s birthday party at my all-glass house this weekend.
Thank you, Peter. That sounds so civil.
Back to the BK thing-a Whopper Jr. isn’t, like, younger than a Whopper, right, it’s just a name?
Yeah, it’s just a smaller version.
Yeah, that’s what Wikipedia said. I don’t know why you’d move from a place that has a Burger King.
I can’t really say why I moved.
Why did you move?
I can’t really say.
Sorry. I swims around here because sometimes the ladies don’t finish their briocheses.
You should take an intense-face run at Backstory Beach.
Hey, cuties. Jacksonville, if you’d like, the kids are in Stewie’s room hitting the nanny with piñata sticks.
Wow, what a great house.
Thanks. It used to be an Apple Store.
I probably shouldn’t keep the glass so clean during migration season. Where do you guys live?
We live under a lifeguard tower.
I love how poor you are.
What’s Chris doing here? His kid’s a bully. Just tell us the deal with Taco Bells, then leave. Specifically, I’d like to know if there are actually bells, or if it’s just tacos.
I also think Chris should leave, but wonder if he’d tell me if I’m saying this right: Sbarro. Like that? The “s” and “b” really go together?
Cleveland, you agree with me, right?
Well, my wife and I do yoga, so I don’t have to pick a side.
Fine. We’re leaving in a huff.
Cleveland, you leaving.
Hey, so can I meet your wife?
No, she’s playing with her trains. There’s tension in our relationship, but I can’t say why.
I can’t say.
I can’t believe we’re doing Big Little Lies, and I’m the (bleep) train guy.
So it’s decided. We ask Chris about the Wendy’s Frosty, and if it’s a milkshake or ice cream, then we make him and his bully son move.
(sniffs) Hey, you guys smell that?
(sniffs) Smells like poop.
Oh, my God! Somebody pooped at the bottom of the stairs!
It was Chris.
What? N-No. There is poop down there, but I would never do that.
Oh, this settles it. You and your son are psychos, and you need to move.
It wasn’t me!
PETER: He’s telling the truth. It’s my poop.
Peter, why would you poop at the bottom of the stairs?
I didn’t. I pooped in the middle of the stairs, and it slinky’d down to the bottom. It was very crazy to watch.
Did you film it?
I should have filmed it, yeah.
Why’d you do it, Peter?
I eat all fiber and I can’t poop at home because my bathroom is all glass and faces the ocean. The boats and fishes look at me.
Why don’t you get a street-facing bathroom?
Lois says it messes up the aesthetic of the house. That’s why there’s tension in our marriage and why Lois spends all her time with the trains.
You’re not alone in this, sweetie.
Lois is such a monster!
Fellas, did one of you poop at the bottom of the stairs?
ALL: We all did.
In the middle, and it slinky’d down.
Did you happen to film that?
I should have filmed it.
That was the beginning of Peter’s Law. Because of the Monterey five, from that day forward, Peter’s Law stipulated that every Monterey residence is required to have at least one “away from the ocean” facing toilet.
This is better.
* * *
Well, I, for one, am happy to be back to regular, old Family Guy.
All-women show and I’m playing with trains.
Yep, it was fun playing dress-up, but I think we can all agree that for Sunday night entertainment, Fox is the place to be.
Do you know those three shows we spent the night belittling have 114 Emmys to our zero?
(“Frolic” by Luciano Michelini playing)