Family Guy – S20E13 – Lawyer Guy | Transcript

Peter hires the town's new lawyer, Brick Baker, to represent him in litigation against his new neighbor... who turns out to be Brick. Meanwhile, Brian and Stewie become lobstermen and save Rupert from the perils of the deep.
Family Guy - S20E13 - Lawyer Guy

Original air date: March 6, 2022

Peter orders a hammock from a Corona commercial to put in the backyard, but is unable to relax due to his new neighbor’s sprinkler. He hires a local lawyer named Brick Baker (Jay Pharoah) to sue his neighbor, but upon arrival in court, he discovers that the neighbor and the lawyer are one and the same. Peter barely wins due to testimony from his friends; Brick retaliates by sending them to a “Surfin’ Bird” musical, stealing them from Peter. After a failed attempt at replicating his bar talk with his family, Peter demands his friends come back to him, and Brick relents, as they could not stop talking about Peter in his absence. Meanwhile, Stewie takes Brian to a lobster roll truck after the latter craves one, but due to the long line, they decide to catch some lobsters themselves. Their boat ends up getting rocked by a storm, sending Rupert into the inky depths of the ocean. After failing to rescue him on their first try, Stewie goes alone, only to pass out on the ocean floor, but is saved by Brian.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

Dinnertime, everyone.

You know what I’m craving? Lobster.

Your lobster today is Dinty Moore stew from a can too dented to risk on people.

What does “Dinty” even mean? Is it an adjective or a guy? Or a contraction, like, “Boy, he really screwed up that meal, din’t he?” I mean, Dinty Moore? How about Dinty Less, right? Gold. All of this.

(doorbell rings)

I’ll get it. It might be Jabberjaw.

Uh, you kids don’t remember Jabberjaw, but your father very badly wants to meet Jabberjaw.

It came! My hammock came!

Yay, you brought loud energy into the dining room!

Why did you get a hammock, Peter?

Well, the year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona beer company, so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks. And owning a hammock from TV has always been my third-biggest dream.

My first big…

Meet Jabberjaw.

Okay, you know about Jabberjaw. And then my other dream is to be an NFL referee.

(football thuds)

It’s good, it’s good. The-the-the kick was good.

Hammock life is the best life, Chris.

Yeah, you clearly wanted to be seen lying in a hammock, so I’m glad I could do that for you.

Now, to drink lemonade with a southern drawl.

(English accent) Chip, chip, guv’nor. Shrimp on the barbie.

(chuckles) You sound like Colonel Sanders.

(shouts)

(regular voice) Damn it.

Oh, no.

The neighbor’s sprinkler ruined whatever this is.

Not so fast, Chris. I don’t give up that easy.

Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor’s door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.

I give up.

Peter, uh, we can’t start until you start.

I’m sorry, gang, I’m just so mad at my backyard neighbor.

What’s the problem?

He’s got a sprinkler going nuts and spraying on my property. I just don’t know what to do.

(soft music playing)

Hang on while I close this law book and return it to a shelf of law books. Have you been injured in an accident? Man, I hope so. I’m Brick Baker. My mama didn’t raise no dummy. And I’m here to get you money.

That almost rhymes.

My specialities are contract law and kicking bitch ass for you. Also probate. You trip and fall? Got a dog bite? You used baby powder on your vagina, you crazy person? Well, if you haven’t, start doing it. Brick Baker’s getting you paid. Ha! You need hot, fresh justice, so call da Baker. I said I wasn’t wearing that!

Maybe you should hire that lawyer to sue the problem neighbor you got.

Hey, great idea, Cleveland. I loved his little judge hammer.

Gavel, it’s called.

N-N-N-N-N-Now, because this is a regional commercial, it’s gonna end just a half a second too early. But remember, call 22…

(theme music playing)

Mr. Griffin, I’ve reviewed your complaint, and I think you have an excellent case.

That’s great.

N-N-N-N-N-Now, can I tell you something off the record? “Live At Birdland, Art Blakey Quartet, Blue Note Records, 1957.”

Okay, I can see that I came to the right lawyer.

N-N-N-Now, I just need to file a brief.

Yeah, this-this is gonna work out. I want to hire you.

Excellent. Let me just type up your filing.

Name: Peter Griffin. Favorite WNBA Team-that’s a weird second question. I’ll put “Dallas Wings.” Home address… Wait, you live at 31 Spooner Street?

Yeah, cross street: Forker Lane. Out in Cutlery Estates. Is that a problem?

Um, nope. No problem. I got you, Peter Griffin. When we goes to court, I will be right there with you. Just like I say on my local cable commercial, “With Brick by your side, you can’t…”

(theme music playing)

Thanks for helping me find a lobster roll truck on Instagram, Stewie.

Eh, I just wish we didn’t have to go to this stupid, gentrified waterfront. This place was so much better when it sucked and we never came here.

Well, here’s our lobster roll truck.

HIPSTER: Uh, hey, guys? You’re cutting in line. It starts back there.

What? No. All I wanted was just some decent lobster.

You know, Bri, they’re right out there, up for grabs. We should just go straight to the source.

What are you even suggesting, Stewie? That we, what, we get a lobster boat and be lobstermen?

Yeah.

Hey, Peter, where’s the defendant? And where’s Brick?

Sorry I’m late. I had to make these small desserts change their ways.

Ha. Tort reform.

Anyway, let’s get this started.

Wha-Why are you standing there? You’re supposed to be over here, suing my neighbor.

Uh, Peter, I am your neighbor.

(gasps) You’re my neighbor? You’re the defendant? And I’m the courtroom sketch artist?

I drew a Far Side.

I hire you to sue my neighbor, and you don’t tell me you’re my neighbor? That’s so unethical.

Whoa. I may not have gone to Harvard Law School, and I don’t even know if you keep track of who went to Harvard Law School…

I don’t.

…but I did not go to Harvard Law School just to have my integrity questioned.

But you said you’d be my lawyer.

Did I, Peter? Think back. I really want you to think back really quickly.

Peter, we could’ve had fun, but I died.

Yeesh. I-I don’t want to think anymore for a while.

Gentlemen, the jury’s waiting.

Your Honor, you got to understand, I thought I had a lawyer, but now…

Very well. I’ll grant a continuance and just enter into the court record that you’re a chicken.

Wait, what?

It’s perfectly routine. I just note that Peter Griffin has to run and hide behind his lawyer daddy.

What-n-no. I don’t need a lawyer. I’m gonna beat Brick Baker all on my own. But I don’t got an opening statement. Ooh. I move for a five-minute recess.

(laughs)

I’m worried for Peter.

I’ll say. Brick Baker’s gonna win, easy. Look, he’s leaned back with his feet up, confidently whistling.

(exhaling sharply)

He’s, uh, he’s not very good at whistling, but he’s doing the other stuff.

I can’t believe we’re doing this. We’re actually going lobster fishing.

Our way of life is disappearing, Bri.

Stewie, we got the boat 20 minutes ago. Settle down. How’d we get the boat, anyway?

Traded it for opioids from a working-class New Englander hooked on opioids.

Huh. All right, well, I got lobster pots, trammel nets, buoys, chum, rope, flotation gear and a radio. What do you got?

Opioids.

Stewie, stop screwing around and give me those opioids and go get me some more opioids.

Uh, let me check on Rupert first. Rupert, how you doing with that double sheet bend? Okay, apparently I said “half hitch” or whatever.

I don’t even know why you brought him.

Let’s not talk about it. He gets so jealous when you and I hang out.

Well, tell him he doesn’t have anything to worry about.

He doesn’t?

Mr. Griffin, this has been a huge waste of time. I hereby find for the defendant, effective as of the moment I slam down my gavel uninterrup…

Wait! Your Honor, we have evidence relevant to this case.

Who are you? And what kind of evidence?

I’m an HOA dick, and I found bylaws proving that Brick used his sprinklers on incorrect Tuesdays.

I’m a cop, and I’m gonna suspiciously turn off my body cam, in case something sketchy goes down.

And I found Quahog’s original survey maps, proving that Brick’s sprinklers aren’t even on his own property.

What?

The town surveyor was being pestered by a bee, so the property lines were all twisty-turny.

Oh, that’s why his statue’s like that.

Well, this is more than enough evidence for cartoon court. I find for the plaintiff.

Yeah!

We did it!

Talk about “all rise.” Giggity!

G-G-I-T-Y. Yeah, there’s-there’s no Ds in “giggity.”

(birds chirping)

Three hours of lobster fishing and nothing.

You shouldn’t have dumped all my Percocets in the water. Now the lobsters are just down there hanging out and defrauding the government for disability checks.

Should we drop our traps somewhere else?

Like where?

I don’t know, maybe we try David Harbour. It’s that harbor nobody even heard of until three years ago, and now all of a sudden it’s huge.

Eh, we could try Michael Bay. Although I hear that bay was mean to Megan Fox.

Maybe Roger Waters?

George Strait?

Billy Ocean?

Ricki Lake?

River Phoenix?

How are those celebrity water puns working out?

Welp, this has been a bust.

Sea Thomas Howell? Anyway, your guys’ were good, too.

Uhp, we’re due for an eight-second squall. I got to go have an overacting scene where I curse God in a boat storm.

♪ ♪

Strike me down, you coward. I have big feelings about weather. The storm symbolizes my madness. This is worth it for fish.

Well, Rupert, clear one BAFTA’s-worth of space on the trophy shelf. Rupert? Rupert. No!

How did he sink so fast?

He might h-have a string of metal balls uh, hidden within?

What?

We’ve been together a long time, Brian. We have to do things to keep it fresh.

Hey there, company. Hey, brother. Wakanda forever.

Oh, I don’t know.

What do you want, Brick?

Just came to congratulate you. Thought I’d be the bigger man.

Bigger man? You been talking to Lois? She doesn’t measure from the right spot.

So, no hard feelings?

You have been talking to Lois.

Listen, the moral of the story is this: watching you all in the court today, I realized something. I may have a fancy law degree and a phone number with all twos in it… (giggles) …but, Peter, you have friends. And no one can ever take them away from you.

He said that weird.

And I bought you a gift: four tickets to today’s matinee performance of Surfin’ Bird: An American Musical.

(gasps)

Awesome!

Live theater!

We’ll get to see Law & Order extras onstage!

Live stage plays are so great. I hope there’s a gentle jibe about Republicans so we can have a smug laugh.

You gentlemen are in the front row.

Aw, sweet.

Oh, but not you, sir. You’re all the way back in the very top.

What?

Yeah, just keep going up until you see three corpses in parkas.

(in distance) ♪ Bird, bird, well, the bird is the word ♪

♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word… ♪

Man, this sucks. The stage is so way down there, the sound doesn’t even travel this far. The whole show’s just being relayed by some New York mook.

Uh, they’re saying everybody’s heard about the bird. And it goes on, and so forth. Okay, now they’re saying what the word is. Bird. It’s bird.

Well, may as well take a terrible, faraway stage picture that I’ll never look at again.

♪ Bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word ♪

♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird… ♪

Aw, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire are having such a good time.

♪ A-well, a bird, bird, b-bird’s the word… ♪

(gasps) With Brick?

♪ Bird, bird, bird… ♪

Crap, now they’re getting pulled up onstage to sing together. Surely they won’t be given inflatable electric guitars. Oh! They’re being given inflatable electric guitars.

(phone chimes)

Oh, man, and now the early reviews are coming in.

♪ A-well, a bird ♪

♪ Surfin’ bird… ♪

It’s, it’s like Brick Baker has taken my friends away from me.

(phone chimes)

Now what’s this? An unsolicited email from a local mom I have a crush on?

“Hi, Peter, it’s Judy, just thinking of you. I’ve joined the team at North Star Realty, and if you’re ever thinking of selling your home…”

Well, that’s disappointing.

Jabberjaw?

Brick, get in the photo, you old so-and-so.

“Old so-and-so” is my nickname.

Hey, Peter.

Look who decided to drop by.

Hey, why so glum, you old so-and-so?

All right, that’s it. You like hanging out with Brick? Fine. I don’t need you guys. You people are backstabbers. Like Stabby McBackerson.

Honey? Lee Harvey? Dinner’s on the table.

(gunshot)

Well, when can you take a break?

Okay, that’s a mix-up. That was, uh, that was Lee Harvey Oswald working from home.

We have to save Rupert. We have to.

I know, Stewie, but look. Our only chance is if he’s up here on the Phoebe Waller-Ridge. We’ll never reach him if he’s fallen down into the Lin-Manuel Mariana Trench.

Also, Harrison Fjord. Or-or yours. Y-Yours are good, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(Brian screaming)

(Brian screaming)

And just like that, Rupert sank forever into the inky deep. Also, did you know that the ocean is 40% fish whiz? All this and more on West’s Wonders.

Okay, top five racks in ’90s movies. Go.

I’ll bite. Maggie Smith, Death on the Nile.

Right rack, wrong decade. Who’s next?

What the hell is he doing?

His friends ditched him for Brick Baker, so he’s trying to recreate the friend experience with us.

What? No.

Also, he’s still butthurt ’cause Judy from down the street sent him an email, but it was for her realty business, so…

Okay, that’s enough! (groans) Forget this. I thought it’d be nice hanging with family, but it’s a disaster. Like Lee Harvey Oswald working from home.

This is the tenth one of these this month. What do you think, Detective McBackerson?

Yeah, no, they seem unrelated and random, and probably accidents?

What was that?

That was “someone’s getting fired,” is what that was.

What are you doing, Brian? We have to go back.

Stewie, it’s over. Rupert’s fallen way too deep. We can’t get to him.

But he’s my friend. We can’t just leave him there.

I’m afraid we have to, Stewie. Even if he is muling your marital aids.

You know what? I don’t care what you do. I’m going back to save Rupert.

Fine. Go ahead and try. You’ll be back in one minute. That’s just enough time for me to remember the name of the main guy in That Thing You Do.

Let’s see, it was a three-name guy. Uh, Paul… Paul Michael Scott? Thomas? Okay, I just need to go through every combination of Scott, Michael and Thomas, and I’ll get it. Uh, no, wait, Boo, Boo? Boopy Rafferty? Boop-No? Bachman? Todd. Bachman Todd! That Thing You Do, starring Tom Hanks and Bachman Todd! Yeah, yeah. Okay, I see the poster now. (chuckles) Whew. What a relief. Okay, mystery solved.

♪ ♪

(cracking)

(crunching)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh…

(laughter)

CLEVELAND: Yeah! All right!

Stupid Brick and the stupid guys. Probably doing lame stuff.

JOE: Wow, this is the longest Slip ‘N Slide in the world.

BRICK: N-N-N-N-Now, hold up. Remember the rule. Before you slide on it, you gots to yell out who you miss right now.

JOE: Nobody! Whee!

I got to get my friends back.

(all laughing)

All right.

(cheering)

Guys, wait.

Peter?

Why you hanging out with Brick? Sure, he may be cool and smart, but he doesn’t know you like I do.

How do you mean?

I know all about you guys. Quagmire, you like a beer from time to time. And, Cleveland, you don’t mind a cold one after work. And you, Joe, you like to relax with an ice-cold beer.

Wow, he really does know us.

What do you say? Let’s get out of here and be friends again.

I think you guys should go with him.

Huh?

I’ve had fun with your crew, Peter, but the truth is, this whole time, all they talked about was you.

They did? Li-Like what?

Something about a bet they had that you won’t live past the age of 50.

You guys.

They noticed you had your hand in your pants the whole time during the Magic Mike.

Only a friend would know that.

They also said you don’t know how to tie your shoes. You just mash the laces inside.

I do that for time.

So go on, guys, Peter’s your friend. I’m just some dude on the block. It’s okay.

You’re right, Brick. Because if there’s anything we’ve learned after all these years with Peter, it’s…

(theme music playing)

TV ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for That Thing You Do, starring Tom Hanks and Bachman Todd.

BRIAN: (in distance) Aha! I knew it.

Well, Peter, I’m glad everything’s back to normal, and you got your friends back. But I feel like you got off on the wrong foot with our new neighbor.

You’re right, Lois. I’m gonna go take care of that right now.

Brick, I just want to apologize for how things got started between us. I can see that you’re a good guy, and I want to welcome you to the neighborhood.

What? I was just practicing.

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