Family Guy – S20E12 – The Lois Quagmire | Transcript

Lois takes Quagmire to her high school reunion instead of Peter; the rest of the family tries to cover up a pizza delivery man's death.
Family Guy - S20E12 - The Lois Quagmire

Original air date: February 27, 2022

Lois is invited to her fancy high school reunion. Out of fear of Peter embarrassing her, she asks Quagmire to pose as her husband at the event. Quagmire manages to impress her former schoolmates, upstaging Lois in the process and leaving her feeling left out. Lois later explains to Quagmire that she wanted him to make a move on her so she could turn him down and feel better about herself, but Quagmire says that he was keeping his distance out of respect for her, and that she should have brought Peter along if she wanted that kind of attention. Meanwhile, against Lois’ wishes for them to eat healthy food, the other Griffins order pizza, only for the delivery man to die of a heart attack on their toilet. They decide to conceal his death by carrying out the rest of his deliveries, having Meg wear his corpse as a disguise, and later decide to push the dead pizza delivery man into the sewers only for Lois to return home and figure out what happened. She is too happy to see Peter to care and apologizes for not inviting him to her reunion, though Peter is pleased that he did not have to come.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy. ♪

Oh, it’s a letter from my fancy private high school.



I’ll take this envelope to the refuse, madam.

Oh, thank you, letter butler.

What’s that all about?

Oh, it’s an invitation to my high school reunion. I went to the Fancington’s Academy for Insufferable Girls. Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets.

Nice. I’m sure you and Peter will have a great time.

Uh… (sharp inhale) Peter. Nobody look. This is a private, gross matter.

Right. Do people bring husbands to these things?

You’re not thinking of going without him, are you?

Honestly, Brian, these girls come from old money, so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.

Well… I’m still available.

“But the real outliers were the friends we made along the way.” The end.

(door opens)

Oh, hey, Lois.

Wow, look at you. Reading a book, huh?

Oh, yeah. I read everything people leave on planes. I read The Da Vinci Code four times.

And I’m not sure the last time I’ve seen you in your uniform. You really clean up nice.

Hey, Glenn, I have this class reunion coming up soon, and I thought maybe it’d be fun if, I don’t know, you know, maybe the two of us went together.

What about Peter?

Oh, he hates those things. And football. Climate change?

Well, that is a real problem.

Hey, here’s a fun thought: what if you go and pretend to be my husband?

Well, I’m not used to wearing rings above the waist, but what the hell-I’ll try anything once.

Where you going, Mom?

Oh, I’m just heading out for the weekend to visit the… Museum of Dusty Vases.

Why don’t you just look at all the ones in this house?

So what do we do for dinner? Like, pizza?

No pizza.

Okay, right. So, like, pizza?

No, Peter, not pizza.

Okay, right. Not pizza. So just… pizza?

Okay, everyone, I stocked the fridge with healthy food. Your weight is a reflection on me, so no pizza.

Oh, pizza. Now, that’s an idea.

Peter, if you disobey me about the pizza, there will be consequences. Mom’s-out-of-town consequences, which, according to the movies, are the worst kind.

Fine, but I’m gonna tweet mean stuff at celebrities that look vaguely like you.

You’re going to that reunion, aren’t you?

Shh. Keep your voice down. Yes, I’m going, but with Quagmire, not Peter. Glenn’s gonna pretend to be my husband to impress them.

Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, it’s Quagmire-you know how he feels about you. Yeah, I know he’s gonna try and sleep with me, but I’m a big girl, and I can handle Quagmire. I’ll be fine.


But nothing. Fetch!

Oh, not cool, Lois. Very not cool!

All right, she’s gone. Now, who wants pizza?

Oh, no. No wife of mine carries her own bags.


Oh, my God, that’s heavy. What’s in these things?

Well, we’re here for two nights, so my hair dryer, my iron, my free weights– and I thought maybe, if I had a minute, I’d Rollerblade– my CPAP machine and bedside table…

There’s a whole table in here?

…travel Peloton, every robe I’ve ever owned, and my desktop computer. It’s got my email on there.

Lois, I have an umbilical hernia.

They’re on rollers.


Okay, so I booked us a suite so that we can keep up the appearance of being married but still sleep in separate rooms.

Like John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?



Oh, pizza man’s here. Do I look okay?

I know, that one has a mind of its own.

Here’s your pie. May I use your bathroom?

Absolutely. We’ll be out here eating pizza like we’re in an ’80s commercial.

♪ ♪

♪ Smile in your family’s face ♪

♪ It’s pizza night ♪

♪ Eye contact with your son ♪

♪ He’s gonna take a stringy bite ♪

♪ The obesity epidemic ♪

♪ Was starting to take hold ♪

♪ So stuff your face with pizza ♪

♪ Before it gets too cold ♪

♪ Before it gets too cold, yeah! ♪


It’s probably just the pizza talking, but I love you guys.

Um, the pizza guy’s car is still running outside.

Four tires, not one of them the same.

Is that guy still on the can?

I’ll check.

Let’s all check.

(all gasp)

I think he’s had a heart attack. He’s dead.

Oh, my God, Dad, this is terrible.

I know. Your mother is gonna find out we had pizza.

What the… This is not the room I reserved. This is the honeymoon suite.

Was that, “This is the honeymoon,” comma, “sweet”? Or, like, “room”?

Oh, you’re not gonna get away with this. I am gonna tweet mean stuff at celebrities that look vaguely like you.

Whoa, whoa, I had nothing to do with this.

Then how did this happen?

Well, I’m a platinum member at all the hotel chains, so they probably just saw my name and upgraded us.

Well, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.

Oh, no problem. Let me call the front desk and see if they can switch us to a room with two beds.

Ah, yes, we were wondering if we might be able to switch rooms? Uh-huh. I see. So just a windowless single with no water pressure?

No, you know what, it’s fine. We’re already here.

My wife says, no, it’s fine, we’re already here.

(chuckles): Oh, you heard that. Okay, thanks, anyway.

But don’t get any ideas, because nothing is gonna happen between us.

You have nothing to worry about. I’ll be more of a gentleman than John Wayne Bobbitt with his second wife.

Hey, honey, would you take out the trash?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

(panting) Love it, love it. What else?

Well, I have been dying to see that new Rebel Wilson movie. I hear she raps, like, a lot.

(sighs) Let’s just do this.

Okay, we have to get rid of this body so your mom can’t connect us with the pizza. Anybody got any ideas?

We could put a yarmulke on him a-and dump him in the town square. Pretend it’s a hate crime.

Chris, come on. Where we gonna get a yarmulke?

We should float him with balloons, like in Up. Then he’s the sky’s problem.

(electronic ding)

Oh, my God, he got a text.

Brian, get it. I’m not fishing it out of his pants, ’cause I’m into chicks.

Oh, no. This means there are still undelivered pizzas in his car.

The restaurant’s gonna know ours was the last one he dropped off before he disappeared.

Oh, my God, that means Mom will find out.

Which means we got to deliver the rest of his pizzas. And we’ll leave him and his car at the last stop.

Well, if we’re going in the car, that means I can take the iPad. Mom said.

(mellow jazz playing)

♪ ♪

Okay, it’s showtime.

Ladies, you’re looking wealthy tonight. I’d like you to meet my husband. We’re married, hence the rings.

Enchanté. I’m a pilot and I read books.

This is Madison Lexington-Broadway. She runs a scholarship for underprivileged WASPs who can only afford Cornell.

My father shoots elephants.

And Vivian Yachtbrunch, who sailed directly into the building from Turks and Caicos.

I summer in Antibes, and I winter in the spring.

And, of course, Scowly Tight-Anus, the granddaughter of both Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.

We were a clipping on the Jay Leno Program.

May I say that you have the breasts of an obese woman and the arms of an anorexic.

(giggling, gasping)

(’80s video game flourish plays)

(continues mellow jazz melody)

(song ends)

Hey, this is a lot of fun for everybody. Do you mind if I upstage you at your job?

Attention, everybody, this is your captain. I’m not going to turn on the “fasten seatbelt” sign. You guys can do whatever you want.

(passengers applauding, whooping)

Now I get it. I’m sorry I played your saxophone.

God, this car is depressing. He’s got three ashtrays in use.

Can you put on some music?

There’s no CD player. Just a Discman with a cassette plug-in.

You ever heard of a band called Special Delivery? Oh, no. It’s his band. Oh, no. Oh, they’re all in uniforms, God bless ’em. Aw, dying on a stranger’s toilet seat is bad, but this is real bad.

Dad, let’s get back to the pizzas.

Right. We deliver the pizzas and nobody calls the police. Now, where’s our first stop?

The police station.


There are cameras everywhere. We can’t be seen leaving those pizzas.

But he can.

Good thinking, Chris. All those in favor of Meg getting in the dead guy’s clothes with him and scarecrowing him in, raise your hand.

Fine, I’ll do it. But only ’cause I’m starved for human contact and he’s not fully cold yet.

Well, if it isn’t Georgie, my fourth-best friend, in the weirdly gray flesh. Haven’t seen you since I ordered that calzone. Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad shoes, but your sneaker’s untied.

(Meg sighs)

Hey, I heard your guitar got stolen, so I swiped you a new one from the evidence locker. It used to belong to Martin Shkreli. Surprisingly soulful balladeer. Okay, fine, you can play me a song to thank me.

Hmm, I’m hearing a little Clapton mixed with hearing loss from going to the gun range too much.

We’re one short on the suspect lineup. Know anyone who could fill in?

JOE (over speaker): Well, the perpetrator was doing a highly-choreographed routine during the assault, so number three, please step forward and perform the zombie dance from “Thriller.”

MEG: (muffled) Oh, come on.

JOE: Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ ♪

Whew. That was close. I’m glad to be done delivering to places that are too risky to walk a dead body into. What’s next?

The cadaver dog training facility.


(dogs barking)

I’ve been waiting for you, Georgie. I haven’t eaten all day.

♪ ♪

The pizza guy’s having a secret affair.

Oh, to be single and dead again, huh, Chris?

Last stop. …  I ordered another pizza.

Thank you all for coming tonight. On your way out, please take a complementary au pair. And, of course, au pair is French for “with jugs.”

Your husband is remarkable. I am hereby changing his designation from “charming” to “a triumph.”

Hear, hear. Before you, the one who’d done the best in our group was Joan. She was married to a functioning alcoholic.

All our husbands were Christmas suicides.

Well, what can I say? I’m a lucky woman.

By the way, Lois, when we get back to our room, you can choose the streaming service we watch tonight.

Even Crackle?

Eh, even Crackle.

Oh, thanks for being a great husband tonight. I mean, when you got that standing ovation for comparing the estate tax to the Holocaust, I felt like the belle of the ball.

I really enjoyed spending time with you, too. So…


He’s a good guy. Let him down easy. When he goes for the kiss, just tell him that… Rose Byrne! That’s the actress I was trying to remember earlier! Always good but never a star. Okay, I’ll text Bonnie about that later.

♪ ♪

I want you… to meet the cocktail waitress I’m about to sleep with.


This is Jenna. You might remember her boobs from hovering over your shoulder while pouring wine. I know I do.

(Jenna moaning)

I remember you. You’re the lady who moved her chair four times because of the air conditioning and then asked the band if they could play a little quieter.

Two maracas. We get it-you like to shake stuff. But don’t upstage the entrées.

Anyway, we’re taking off now. Enjoy Crackle.

I-I can’t believe this. Well, I guess I could always go down to the business center and get passively hit on by all the losers.

All right, that’s one ticket. Economy plus. (chuckles softly) Checking bags. Several. Okay, and print. And… time to go home. I’m not staying here. I just don’t own a printer.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Hey, Lois. That was some night. You’ll be happy to know I was able to perform on a four-inch-thick futon in front of three roommates.

You know, the hotel sent champagne up for us last night.

Oh, why didn’t you send it to me and Jenna? Well, no sense wasting it.

(sighs) Ah… Hey, did you end up working out in the morning like you said you were gonna? What was it, 40 minutes cardio, then a Pilates class? Did you do both of those?

No, I didn’t do both of those.

So just one?

I did neither of them.

Ouch. Well, thanks again for inviting me. This has been fun.

First pee afterwards. Whoa! (chuckles) Lois, I’m using all the towels.

(classical music playing)

♪ ♪

(indistinct conversations)

…and then I said, “Not today, geese,” and I landed that passenger plane on the Hudson.

As someone who didn’t watch the news in 2009 and doesn’t care for Tom Hanks films, that is the most riveting story I have ever heard.

Ladies and gentleman, this is your brunch captain speaking. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, ’cause… I’m making mimosas.

Only thing bumpy around here is that strained airplane metaphor.

What is this, Mutters Against Drunk Driving? Lois, have a drink. Ladies, I took the liberty of requesting our meal be soy-free, meat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, cage-free, carb-free and cruelty-free. And then I snuck you each a cinnamon bun, because all that other stuff’s for Democrats.

Oh, he’s wonderful. Lois, where did you find him?

Oh, you think he’s so wonderful? Last night he screwed the cocktail waitress.

(all gasp)


I’m sorry, ladies. I have deceived you. So I’ll just collect my free au pair. And one for my wife. And I’ll be on my way.

What is your problem?

Get away from me.

What’s going on with you? I thought I made such a good impression. We had those ladies fooled.

Just leave me alone, Glenn.

I did exactly what you wanted. I didn’t make a move. I didn’t even come close.

(groans) That’s the problem.

You wanted me to?

Well, I… I wanted you to try. I wanted you to try. Then I could shoot you down and feel sexually desirable and morally superior.

But you’re both those things.

Yeah, you say that now, but last night you were out boinking that waitress. Now, how do you think that made me feel, huh? It made me feel like my best years are behind me.

Well, that’s not true at all. I didn’t make a move on you because you’re my best friend’s wife.

That… that is true.

Besides, you know me. I’m not a one-gal guy. Last night I was with Jenna for only four hours, and I cheated on her with the woman who was fixing the ice machine. Hands were a little cold, but we got there.

I used that ice.

Hopefully before 2:30 a.m. Look, if you wanted a decent guy who’s only been into you and only you, you should have brought Peter.

You know what? You’re right. So what if he drinks too much? So what if he weighs too much? So what if he thinks Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo? He’s a loyal husband and a good man. Oh, I should never have been embarrassed to bring him. And I shouldn’t need the attention of another man to feel sexy and young.

That’s right. Hey, why don’t we continue our discussion in the shower? A little wet-à-tête.

(gasps) How dare you? And thank you.

All right, Lois is gonna be home soon, so we got to fix this now.

Why don’t we just shove him in the sewer, let the clowns have at him?

I’m good with anything that keeps Pennywise off my jock.

Sounds like a plan.

Hold on, Peter. This feels wrong. We can’t just dump him facedown into raw sewage without saying a few words.

You’re right, Brian. I’ll do the honors.

It feels like just yesterday when he came into our lives carrying a pizza we bought. I always loved how he looked around the house a little too much while I was digging the money out of my wallet. And who can forget his license plate number: 7-G-something-something-5. More sweat than you’re used to seeing on a fella, but that’s what moisture-wicking shirts are for. His nails were dirty, but his heart was pure.

Okay, time to drop him in a river of dung. He’s stuck!

Oh, crap, it’s Lois.

Peter, what the hell is going on? You ordered pizza, didn’t you?

Yes, ma’am.

Oh, I don’t care. I love you, Peter. Mm. And I have a confession for you: I went to my high school reunion this weekend, and I didn’t invite you.

What? Thank you. Oh, thank you!


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