Family Guy – S20E10 – Christmas Crime | Transcript

Brian is accused of ruining Mayor West's nativity scene.
Family Guy - S20E10 - Christmas Crime

Original air date: December 19, 2021

Brian is accused of ruining Mayor West’s nativity scene.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, don’t be left out this Christmas-top your wish list with the toy of the season, Happy Asking Panda!

Made in China, Happy Asking Panda has many questions for you.

What is your favorite color?

What is your parents’ political affiliation?

What is your approximate household income?

All of these questions and so many more!

His eyes light up when he’s happy, or when credit cards are held in front of him!

Hold Happy Asking Panda over the keyboard while entering passwords and watch him dance.

I love you, Happy Asking Panda!

PANDA: Upload complete!

Order today and it will arrive for happy American Christmas and time of wonder.

I must.

Have. That. Toy.

What, are you serious?

Of course I’m serious, I’m a child and I just saw a commercial!

Or maybe you don’t want me to have a happy American Christmas.

Of course I do. But do you really not see that you’re crassly manifesting the very consumerism on which Christmas is built?

Chris, can you please put the dog out?

Yes, sir!

(grunts)

Thank you, Chris.

Hey!

It’s very cold out here.

Okay, everyone, time to leave for the traditional town tree lighting ceremony.

What’s happening now? I can’t hear her.

Sweet. Tree lighting.

(clucks tongue) Guess that means it’s showtime.

Wait, what is this?

Oh, nothing.

Just my own tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs

in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lighting.

Okay, we get it, Meg, you’re dark and different.

Wow, Meg really is dark and different.

Yeah, they call me “Meg the Egg.”

‘Cause of my big bag of eggs.

(chuckles) I hope you guys don’t start calling me that, but you can if you want to.

Oh, is this the “Meg the Egg” thing?

Yeah, no one’s on board with that.

Whoa, Quahog!

Whoa, there! Whoa!

Whoa.

Welcome, one and all, to the annual tree lighting ceremony.

All right, Meg the Egg!

Huevo me!

Mmm, perfect yolks this year.

(mouth full) Four and a half minutes.

Now, don’t you worry, y’all will have a chance to line up and meet Santy and let him know what dry goods you need.

And right here in front of City Hall, I’m placing this wooden nativity scene that I whittled myself from a beech tree what was rat-tailed by lightning in the recent meteorological electricities.

Oh, great, just what we need.

A religious display on government property.

Can’t believe this is what my tax dollars are paying for.

(scoffs) Last I heard, you never paid taxes in your life.

Only ’cause I’ve never made enough money! Ha!

Brian, I can laugh at a lot of things, but Jesus Christ is not two of them.

Yeah, come on, Brian, it’s Christmas.

Have an egg. Enjoy yourself.

Okay, now to light the Christmas tree by telling this child’s toy my mother’s maiden name.

Abernathy.

(crowd cheering)

Yay! Very holiday data information!

I guess Santa’s getting ready to rack up those frequent flyer miles, huh?

Yeah, we all read your tweets, Joe.

Smash that “like” button.

Hey, check it out, Peter, it’s Ebenezer Pooch.

We should mess with him by putting only Christmas songs on the jukebox.

Cleveland, I got just the song.

(“Life Is a Highway” by Tom Cochrane playing)

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it… ♪

Wait, what the hell is this?

Only the best Christmas song ever.

I tell you, no matter when I hear this baby, I start smelling pine.

Joe, this is not a holiday song.

He never once mentions Christmas!

No, it’s about Santa.

All night long.

On the highway… delivering presents.

The video takes place in a field!

In what is clearly summer!

Quagmire, many parts of the world are arid during the holy season.

Including where Jesus was born.

Or perhaps the singer’s Australian.

He’s not Australian!

He name-checks Vancouver in the song!

A guy from Australia can’t know where Vancouver is?

Feels kind of racist.

Mm-hmm.

Damn it, Joe! We’re supposed to be annoying Brian!

Not this!

Oh, okay, I get it.

Everybody pile on the one person who actually sees the truth about Christmas.

You know, you guys know all-what this holiday is all about, right? It’s all about this.

The world’s smallest violin?

A scrotal massage?

“Ah, just like in the old country”?

We’re more word people than gesture people.

No! Money!

It’s all about money!

Is Christmas really so awful?

I don’t know, I-I just-I can’t stand how everyone buys into this annual mass hypnosis.

I mean, like, do not even get me started on Christmas caroling.

No, go ahead. I’m listening.

No, that’s-that’s what I mean.

Like, do not get me started.

Trust me, you, you will be here all night.

I’ve got time. I’m officially getting you started.

Name one thing.

(exhales)

I mean, where do I start?

The things I have to say about caroling. It’s like, how long have you got?

I’ve got all night, no one to go home to-let’s hear it.

Yeah, okay… well, I mean, first there’s the… you know, the singing.

(imitates buzzer)

You know what, screw you guys!

All right, screw Frosty!

Screw Vince Guaraldi!

Screw both Rankin and Bass!

Well, I’m with him on Rankin, but, come on, what did Bass do?

(tires squealing)

(horns honking)

Stupid Christmas.

What kind of name is Blitzen anyway, what is that?

That’s like-that’s not a name… it’s a football… something.

(horn honks)

(gasps)

Aah! Son of a bitch!

(crashes)

Oh, crap. Why couldn’t I have hit the court-ordered menorah instead?

MORT: Thank you!

Aw, crap, this is bad, this is bad.

After all I said, they-they’ll probably call this a hate crime.

I’ve just got to hide the evidence.

Ah, I wish someone was here to try to take this from me, ’cause I’d be all like… (growling)

No way, you! This is mine!

Now where can I hide an old, banged-up car where it’ll just blend right in?

(jet engine whirring)

I knew this would work.

Especially after that last flight I took.

Spirit Airlines is now boarding group whatever.

Just start punching until you’re on an airplane.

(crowd shouting, clamoring)

Good afternoon, I’m Tom Tucker.

Our top story: Ho-ho-homeless man found dead in local alleyway.

But first we’re joined live by Mayor Wild West outside City Hall, who reports that the town nativity scene he personally whittled has gone missing.

Mayor West, what can you tell us about the disappearance and also about my contested parking ticket,

and I’ll remind you the tree limb was blocking the sign.

That tree was a hardwood, Mr. Tucker, and there wouldn’t have been a leaf on it till mid-May.

The printing of the restricted times was also faded, and as to the investigation?

Whoever took that nativity scene best sleep with one eye open, ’cause I’m on your trail.

And I’m gonna hunt you down like the mighty grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left on the dashboard of a Ford Taurus.

I regret that the West has changed.

Ah, now I want a Slim Jim. Slim Jim, anyone?

Slim Jim? Never google what’s in it? Slim Jim?

That’s rather odd. Who would steal…

(high-pitched) a nativity scene?

Want to tell me what’s going on, champ?

(laughing) What? Nothing.

Brian, I can tell when you’re lying, because your voice always gets high at the end of your sentences.

That’s nuts, you don’t know what you’re (high-pitched) talking about!

Okay, fine!

Yes, it was me. I destroyed the nativity scene with my car.

But you’ve got to keep your mouth shut about this.

I could be in a lot of trouble. I already hid the evidence.

Did you at least do it right?

You burned all the pieces and sank your car in a lake?

No, I parked it in the Spirit Airlines parking lot…

Oh, because they all drive crappy cars.

That’s smart, that’s smart. Well, not to worry.

You and I will just leave town and start a new life together.

What? What are you talking…?

Look, we could buy a house in Cincinnati for $43,000.

Stewie, I’m not leaving town-Wait, what, seriously?

Yes, pretty big. Three bedrooms. Hardwood floors.

For $43,000? That’s insane.

We could just pay that off.

I know. You could have that office you’ve always wanted and we’d still

have an extra room for the baby.

What?

Or-or a craft room.

(knocking)

Oh, crap, Who’s that?

Howdy, folks.

Just seeing if I might ask y’all a few questions.

Hey, you’re the man from the TV!

Please come in, I’m the man from the couch.

Okay, quick, I need an alibi.

Okay, last night you and I were home watching Dancing with the Stars all night.

That’s actually what I was doing all last night.

I thought Tom Bergeron had a great show.

One of his better nights. The guy’s a pro.

It’s Tyra Banks now.

Brian, I can’t do this with you.

And what about you, Peter?

I hear you haven’t been brushing your teeth.

Yes, I have.

All of ’em?

Most of ’em.

Careful there.

The teeth are the doorway to the body.

Now, then, can I speak to your dog who hates Christmas?

Ho-ho-ho! Who have we got here?

Can I interest anyone in a candy cane?

None for me, thanks.

Ho-ho-okay, your loss. After all, it is the world’s most dangerous candy. The more you eat it, the sharper it gets, but it’s worth stabbing your own mouth for a sweet that tastes like toothpaste.

I mean, Season’s Greetings!

Brian, where were you last night between 10:00 p.m. and midnight?

Uh, let’s see, uh, food bank till 8:00.

Uh,Love Actually… (chuckles) again.

And at no time did I watch Tom Bergeron on Dancing with the Stars because that would be impossible.

Hmm, that’s very helpful.

Oh, good, ’cause I-I hope more than anyone the culprit who took your nativity scene is brought to justice.

I’m mighty glad to hear that.

Matter of fact, I was thinking a hound like you’d be just the thing to help sniff out some new clues.

What do you say?

Uh, yeah.

In-in fact, you came to the right guy.

I was briefly McGruff’s sidekick.

McGRUFF: Ah, that’s Jenny.

But that’s not Jenny’s dad.

BRIAN: No, sir!

If she gets into that car, that may be the last time you’ll see Jenny.

Yep!

I’m McGruff the Crime Dog.

And I’m Sergeant Bark, because I bark at crime.

McGRUFF: See those kids?

Every day in this country, 60 kids disappear.

Hey, the bikes fell.

Some run away.

You want me to get the bikes?

But a lot are kidnapped by strangers.

McGruff? McGruff?

Or even by people they know.

Do you want me to pick up the…?

So write to McGruff.

Oh, you’re-you’re giving the address.

And teach your kids to protect themselves.

I’ll get the bikes.

(grunting)

Help, uh, take a bite out of crime.

BRIAN: And don’t forget to bark at it.

You know, I’ve been thinking, Brian.

Maybe the first thing we ought to do is take an inventory of what’s missing.

Could be there’s some clues in that.

Yep, sure. Good thinking.

Ah, you’re a big Christmas guy.

Remind me, what’s in a nativity scene?

Nativity scene, sure. Uh, well, you’ve got your drummer.

Uh, probably a bassist, too. Uh, Jesus, of course.

Uh… Mr. Christ?

I’m gonna say Santa, then also the elves.

Uh, the pig who makes friends with a spider… writes, uh, nice things in its web.

S-S-S-Slater?

Somebody-somebody named Slater?

I think he’s fromSaved by the Bell.

Ah, I knew it sounded familiar, but you know who we should really be looking at?

People in town who don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Like-like… Mort Goldman!

Boo! Boo, Brian!

They’ve suffered enough. Boo.

“Dear Santa, thank you in advance for bringing me a Happy Asking Panda. I’ve been a very good boy this year, and while I understand you ‘see me when I’m sleeping,’ I just want to say that Rupert was the aggressor. It may not have seemed that way, but we had agreed ahead of time on a form of role play that would probably have seemed confusing without that context.”

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program for breaking news.

Good evening, I’m holiday replacement anchor Edgar Chavez, alone in the studio and having some trouble locking down the camera.

We now take you to a live news conference at City Hall!

(faintly) Thank you all for coming tonight.

Uh, I think the press conferences mics are still set at standing height.

I’ve still not learned who stole our town’s nativity scene.

(whinnies)

Easy, Horse, easy.

(normal volume) So until I get some answers, as mayor, I’m officially canceling Christmas in Quahog.

Canceling Christmas?!

Now we’ll never know what’s behind the last box on the M&M advent calendar!

It’s M&M’S, Peter.

They’ve all been M&M’S.

You don’t know that!

You ate my whole family, you fat bastard.

One. More. Day.

(knocking)

Joe? What are you doing here?

Sorry, Peter, I’m on strict orders from the mayor to confiscate all the Christmas stuff in town.

You heard him, Lois. Hand over the Hallmark Channel.

No Christmas means no Happy Asking Panda.

Stewie, I’m so sorry.

But you got to understand the position I’m in.

(Stewie sobbing)

I’ll tell you this, Rupert.

I shall not stand idly by while our dog steals my dream of a Happy Asking Panda.

(inhales deeply)

I may just have to send a little text to our mayor.

Yes, I did get a new phone case.

It’s Malibu Barbie next to a palm tree.

The man at the mall kiosk said it was “girlish,” and I said, “Yeah? Maybe I think she’s hot.”

And he went, “Okay,” and I went, “What do you mean by ‘Okay’?”

And then he says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

“I just came back from my wife’s oncologist appointment.”

And I said, “Oh, no. What’s wrong?” And he said,

“Her melanoma’s coming back.”

And I said, “I’m so sorry, but they’re making advancements in treatment every single day.”

And he goes, “I know, you’re right, but still.”

And I said, “Just hang in there,” and he says, “Shoot me your digits, our story does not end here,” so we’re going out to dinner on Friday.

I love this case.

Sir, as you requested, I’ve transcribed all your text messages onto pieces of dried cowhide.

These just came in.

“Spirit Airlines parking lit.”

“Parking lit.”

“Parking lit. Asterisk, lot. L-O-L.”

Looks like we got our man.

And still plenty of time to pick up Aunt Betty.

Oh, you really didn’t have to do this.

We both know I did.

Brian, is there anything you want to say about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent in the hood of your car?

Oh, come on, that doesn’t prove anything!

That could be any baby I hit with my car!

He was lying about Tom Bergeron earlier. He had no idea.

Why don’t you open the trunk for me?

(laughing)

No way! No way!

You didn’t even hide the evidence?!

Brian Griffin, you’re under arrest.

(gasps) Just for destroying public property and fleeing the scene of the crime?!

Why are we not leading with drunk driving?

I’m afraid I have to take you to jail.

Oh, no, not Brian!

Do we get the Hallmark Channel back?

Jail?! Are you kidding me?!

Wait a minute, you get three square meals in jail, right?

Well, I can’t speak for the shape, but the number sounds right.

GUARD: Griffin, visitor!

(buzzer sounds)

Hey, Brian, sorry about the sling.

I got shot by an M&M.

Anyway, how’s Christmas Eve in jail?

You know what, it’s great.

At least it keeps me away from all the phony joy and crass commercialism.

Well, it’s good to see you haven’t lost your lack of spirit.

Well, it certainly is great seeing you, Brian.

(text whooshes)

(phone chimes)

Hey, guys, unfortunately visiting hours end at…

10:14.

Aw! Aw!

It’s like we just got here, aw!

(yawns)

Ah, best night’s sleep in a long time.

I should spend Christmas in jail every year.

(children clamoring outside)

(scoffs) Stupid families having stupid fun times together.

Reminding themselves their families are… filled with love.

Huh, looks like Stewie got that toy he wanted.

(sighs) A kid and his bear.

What’s more innocent than that?

Aw, they got tennis balls and junk?

(Chris panting)

I don’t even like stupid new Christmas tennis balls.

♪ O come, all ♪

♪ Ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye ♪

♪ O come ye ♪

I don’t need Christmas.

♪ To Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold Him ♪

♪ Born the King of Angels ♪

Why am I crying?

♪ O come, let us adore… ♪

The “penis” is right, I do miss my family.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

I’ve been so blind.

Sure, Christmas is a commercial holiday largely intended to prop up a faltering economy, but it’s also about family and togetherness and the Hallmark Channel, which I admit I watch all the time!

Oh, my God, I love Christmas!

(sobbing)

NARRATOR: And what happened then?

Well, in prison they say, Brian’s anus grew three sizes that day.

Brian… you are free to go.

What? What do you mean?

I just wanted you to learn that while you thought it was everyone else who’d lost the true meaning of Christmas, it was actually you all along.

So why don’t you head outside to your family?

I will.

But first there’s something I’ve got to do.

Ah?

It’s like you killed Him all over again.

Oh, Brian, it’s good to have you back.

It wasn’t Christmas without you.

I’m happy to be back.

And I’m happy to have my tennis ball.

(growls)

Meg? Lois? You got any more passwords?

The panda loves ’em.

(blipping)

The Griffin assets, sir.

At last. $17?

The bear cost $23 to make.

Oh, no.

PETER: Can’t rob America if America’s broke!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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