Family Guy – S20E03 – Must Love Dogs | Transcript

Quagmire pretends Brian is his dog when he meets an avid dog lover; Chris helps Stewie retrieve his stolen Halloween candy.
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Family Guy - S20E03 - Must Love Dogs

Original air date: October 10, 2021

Quagmire pretends Brian is his dog when he meets an avid dog lover; Chris helps Stewie retrieve his stolen Halloween candy.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

(laughter)

(in Marge voice): Happy Halloween, kids!

Happy Halloween!

Look, it’s Matt Foley from Saturday Night Live.

I don’t know who that is. I just came from a meeting at work.

Oh, good. Peter, you’re home.

You can help me pass out candy.

Sorry, Lois, I have to go do a dangerous speedball and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.

(groans)

(laughter)

Happy Halloween, Meg.

Wow, Mayor West. That’s some costume.

Well, thank you kindly.

(imitating Borat): It-a me, Borat.

You know, from that picture Borat.

You ever seen it?

Yeah, that movie came out, like, 15 years ago.

Well, I’d never heard of it, but it was just about the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

Anyway, have a good evening.

(imitating Borat): My wife.

(laughter)

(crickets chirping)

“This is my costume”?

Come on, put in some effort.

Guys, just ’cause you showed up, doesn’t mean you get an apple.

Apple.

We’re here for candy!

Kill yourself!

There’s a lot of sugar in an apple!

If you saw the numbers, you’d be shocked!

Trick or treat!

Wow, that’s the first Frozen I’ve seen in 35 seconds.

Oh, my God, I love your pilot costume.

Thank you. I’m actually John Travolta walking into my backyard airport in Florida to fly a passenger jet all by myself.

That’s right, I’m just a regular guy.

Your daughter is adorable.

Oh, she’s not my daughter. She’s my niece.

My sister and her husband ran into someone having an adult Halloween party and didn’t have an excuse ready.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

Yeah, it was really tough for them, but I said earlier, “I’m not gonna cry,” so I’m not gonna cry.

And hi. My name’s Carrie.

Hi, Carrie. My name is Glenn.

It’s really nice talking to you, Glenn.

You, too, Carrie.

Hey! Candy!

STEWIE: Hey, Brian, check it out!

(grunting)

This might be my biggest candy score ever.

Probably thanks to my killer costume.

What are you dressed as?

I’m the “Oh, my God” reaction GIF.

And people get that?

Yeah. Everyone’s dressed as GIFs.

Ain’t that right, Pop?

Wow. This place is great, Glenn.

Yeah, they can really microwave eggs here.

You know, I’m so glad you trick-or-treated at my house.

I finally found someone I can just say names from Succession with.

I mean, oh, my God, Kendall?

Kendall! And Shiv?

Love Shiv.

And what about Roman?

Yes!

And Logan.

Oh, Logan.

(dog whines)

Oh, look at that dog.

Yeah, who brings a dog to a coffee shop?

I love dogs.

Without letting me pet it.

Come here, you… dog.

Oh, isn’t he so sweet?

Oh, good boy.

Yay, my hand smells like you now.

Oh, I’m so happy you’re a dog person.

I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t love dogs as much as I do.

Yeah, it’s great we like the same things as soon as you say what you like.

So, what kind of dog do you have?

Well, uh, uh, what kind of dog?

Um… you know, I-I’ve never noticed.

I… I’m… I’m more attracted to his spirit.

Oh, they’re so special.

And you know what’s right around the corner?

The strip club where they spit in your face?

No, the dog park!

For our next date, we should bring our dogs there.

Next date? Absolutely.

Oh, and cousin Greg!

Cousin Greg!

Cousin Greg.

Phew, that tummy time was killer.

Totally blasted my core.

But I think that earns me a little treat.

What the deuce?

This bag was full last night, and now half of it’s gone.

Oh, my God, I’ve been robbed!

Rupert, check the jewelry box, see if anything’s missing.

“An engagement ring”?

Oh, ha-ha, very funny, but not the time to have this conversation– we’ve been burgled!

Well, looks like they only stole some of my Halloween candy.

But they’re not going to get away with this.

Like the fat man when he plays Clue.

Okay, the murderer was “don’t care,” with a “this game sucks” in the “I regret having children.”

ANNOUNCER: Clue– you got someone pregnant nine years ago, so now you have to play this.

Thanks for coming with me, Peter.

I need a dog for my date, but I don’t know the first thing about ’em.

No problem, Quagmire. But just know I’m gonna spend most of the time here finding the courage to hold an iguana.

Here he is.

I’m not sure I’m ready!

(barking)

Uh, excuse me, how much is that one?

Oh, he’s a purebred Bichon Frise, so he’s $1,500.

For a dog?! Um, and-and what’s your return policy?

Is it, like, full money back within ten days?

Sir, if you’re not interested, I have to comb feces out of the guinea pigs’ hair with a wet paper towel.

Go ahead, you can touch him.

(gasps)

It’s dry.

Sorry we couldn’t get you a dog.

Come on in, we’ll have however many beers it takes to forget how depressing the shelter was.

I’ll go get those aforementioned beers.

Thanks, word-a-day calendar.

Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Mm.

I mean, mmm, there he is!

Brian the dog!

What’s going on here? Why are you using my full name?

All right, let’s cut to the chase.

I like chases.

Okay, look, I’m seeing this woman, and there’s something different about her.

I mean, it’s not just that the sex is great, which it is, but I appreciate her as a person, which sounds kind of weird coming out of my mouth.

Anyway, I told her I have a dog, so… would you pretend to be my dog?

(laughing)

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

Brian, come on, I’m serious. Will you help me out?

Glenn Quagmire, there are not enough tennis balls in the world for me to–

I have six.

I’ll do it.

(dogs barking, howling)

Thanks for doing this, Brian.

And remember, just act like a normal, well-behaved, non-talking dog.

Non-talking?

Yeah, just bark and stuff.

Bark? Geez, it’s been a while.

Let me give it a try.

Brack.

“Brack”? What the hell is that?

I’m finding it.

Damn it, Brian!

I knew you were gonna screw this up for me.

I thought you wanted to help.

“Help”? I’m not doing this because I want to help.

I’m only doing this so I can have a front-row seat when you crash and burn.

Okay, first of all, it’s incredibly insensitive to say “crash and burn” to a pilot.

And, second, how dare you?

How dare you, Brian the dog?

You know I’m right– you’re gonna get tired of the sex, and then you’ll move on to the next one.

Oh, ’cause you know everything, right?

Well, you’re wrong, Brian.

Okay, shut up, here she comes.

Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter.

Aw, and who’s this little guy?

Uh, uh, this is… Harvey.

Named after Weinstein, uh…

‘C-Cause you can see his balls when he answers the door.

I may be dating myself, but in the ’90s, the funniest thing you could do was show people your balls.

C-Can you start talking now, please?

Sorry, I couldn’t hear you ’cause my dog was licking my ear.

Oh, thank God. This is my dog, Bob…

Weinstein.

He’s man’s best friend because he’s very good at keeping quiet.

Do you mind if I take five minutes in the parking lot?

This is Spot.

All right, Rupert, when the thief comes back for the rest of my candy, he’ll have to deal with my latest invention.

Hey, Stewie, what are you d–

(exclaims) Aah! Help! Somebody help me!

I won’t survive on the inside!

(grunts) Thief! I’ve caught you!

Chris?

Stewie, get off.

I haven’t been stealing your candy.

Dad has.

The fat man?

He did the same thing to me when I was younger.

The only way to keep him away from it is to hide it.

And that’s why I’m here.

I’m gonna help you.

Really? You’d do that for me?

Of course, Stewie. We’re family.

We look out for each other, like the people on Succession.

Well, don’t leave me hanging like that– throw out a name!

Tom.

Oh, Tom!

Can you believe Tom?

Carrie’s gonna be here soon. Can you give me a hand getting this cat stuff out of here?

Where is your cat, anyway?

I don’t know. No cat owner knows where their cat is.

Okay, but I still don’t know why you’re going through all this trouble.

I mean, you’re just gonna bail and leave her in the dust.

Hey, how’s your son, Brian?

Whoa!

What happened to DEFCON four, three, and two?

(doorbell rings)

Okay, she’s here.

Get off the couch.

Who is it?

It’s The Purge.

We’re here to beat you up.

(laughs)

(smooching)

Coming up, one pizza with alternative crust.

Oh! Yummy, yummy!

Alternative crust pizza is really good, Brian.

You can’t taste the difference.

What aren’t you lying to yourself about?

Okay, you want to know the truth, Brian?

Brian the dog? I love her.

You hear me? Love.

This is priceless.

I haven’t had this much fun since I went to that graveyard.

Yeah, how do you like how this sounds, huh?

(urine trickling)

Try cleaning up this mess while you burn in hell!

Peter, you ready to go?

Almost!

What do you mean you don’t like that?

(urine trickling)

Just try it, maybe you will!

Thanks again for having us over, Lois.

Everything was so delicious.

Oh, my pleasure, Carrie.

Yeah, I’ve got to say, Glenn, I’ve never seen you this happy before.

Well, then you’ve never seen me at my best before.

And it’s all thanks to Carrie.

Aw, not at the dinner table.

I’m sorry, Peter, I just can’t help myself.

I’m crazy about this woman.

(phone buzzing)

Huh?

(panting)

“Will you marry me?”

What’s this now?

Oh, my God, Glenn, yes! Yes, of course I’ll marry you!

Mmm…

Mazel tov!

“Mazel tov”? Where did that come from?

From Marvelous Mrs. Mazel Tov. Y-you should know that, Lois.

Mmm.

Engaged?!

Aw, come on, Quagmire, you’re killing me, man.

Babe, babe, please– Babe, please stop crying.

Look, every couple needs to take things at their own speed.

It doesn’t mean I love you any less.

Okay, look– how about we look at rings this weekend?

I-I don’t know. Zales, probably?

Well, that’s what we can afford since only one of us has a job!

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Ugh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

(sighs)

“Why don’t you join me for dinner?” he said, ruining his life.

(humming)

There he is, the bridegroom to be.

That’s right, the very happy bridegroom to be, singing to himself. ♪ Dat da dat dee ♪

♪ Da dee dee, da dee dee. ♪

Oh, come on, give it up.

You’re out of moves. Checkmate.

Hi, honey, we’re home.

Will you help me move in his dog food, like we’re preparing for a flood?

Dexter eats all this?

Not just Dexter, but Dexter and all his rescue brothers and sisters.

(dogs barking)

Oh, my God, how many are there?

Hmm, enough to do a slow pan with music from Airplane.

Is-is that one just a back half?

Oh, Backsy? Yeah. She’s a fighter.

Well, maybe she should stop fightin’.

Okay, I’m gonna go bring in all their meds, and then I’ll set the 19 different feeding alarms on your phone. Mm.

(laughs)

Shut up!

I didn’t say a word.

I’m just… I’m just thrilled you’re getting all the happiness you deserve.

I am happy. Parade magazine says owning a dog is the secret to having a happy life.

You read Parade magazine?

If you know a better magazine for ordering plates with people’s faces on them, I would like to hear about it.

(loud crash)

Hey, babe, was the Princess Diana plate important?

(sighs)

Brian, can you hand me that Parade magazine, that envelope, that stamp and that checkbook?

(singsongy): Thank you.

Who are we waiting for, Chris?

I called in some professionals.

They’re gonna take us somewhere Dad’ll never find your candy.

And where’s that?

I can’t say.

There are ears everywhere.

Good morning, Mr. Feldman.

Morning, Chris. Couldn’t help but overhear you’re off on a little trip.

(chuckles) Never mind about that, Mr. Feldman.

(quietly): See?

MR. FELDMAN: I could hear that.

(tires screech)

Get in.

(loud thump)

You know, I should really be in a backwards-facing car seat.

They’re now saying kids through eight should at least be in a booster seat.

You have any kids?

Don’t make small talk with these guys.

No, no, it’s all right.

It’s nice to have someone ask for a change.

Yes, I have four children, all dead.

Ah.

(van squeaking)

Well, here we are.

Quick, hide your candy in the tree.

Is this our backyard?

Yes. But we couldn’t take a chance of being followed.

(grunting)

Son of a– I’m pinching and lifting.

(cries out)

Oh!

Hey, if you’re making coffee, I’ll have a–

Whoa, kind of a mess in here.

It’s fine. Everything is fine.

I’m happy and in love.

Damn it, Brian, did you leave the doggy gate open?

(all barking)

No, no, no, stop it.

Peppy, you’re allergic to Frankie’s food.

Malcolm, stop humping your brother.

Backsy, outside!

CARRIE: Babe, can you give me a hand moving my furniture all around the room until I find a place I like for it?

Kind of in the middle of something, babe!

Ah, the seven-hour itch.

Shut up, Brian. Why don’t you go for a walk?

(dogs barking excitedly)

No, no, no, no, no.

No walk. No walk. No, no.

We’re not going for a walk.

I gotta stop saying “walk.”

I said walk again. And there again.

CARRIE: Honey, I want to make a stir-fry tonight.

Have we unpacked the wok?

(dogs barking louder)

No, no, w-O-K.

W-O-K. She said wok!

(sobbing): She said wok.

She said wok…

(gasps)

My candy, it’s all gone.

Even my West Hollywood candy.

My Twinx bar. My very Milky Way.

(gasps) My Reese’s Penis.

Who’s done this to me?

Who’s taken candy from a baby?

Well, we did it. Cheers.

We sure did, Chris.

Cool iguana.

He’s dry.

I named him Arid.

Thank you, word-a-day calendar, travel edition.

Just met some of Carrie’s friends.

They are very excited for her.

Well, they should be.

Well, they should be.

And they are.

Anyway, expectations are high.

(glass clinking)

Thank you, everyone, for coming to our engagement party.

And an extra thanks to my airline buddies for organizing it.

Uh, folks, our party time tonight is two hours and 48 minutes.

We know you have lots of choices for terrible weekend activities, and we hope to see you soon on an inconvenient weekend for their destination wedding, which I hear is on a Thursday in Lisbon, Portugal.

WOMAN: That’s so far.

MAN: Come on!

Yep. Yep.

It’s been wonderful meeting all of Carrie’s family and friends. (chuckles)

I only wish you were all wearing nametags.

(laughter)

Isn’t he adorable?

My expectations are high.

You know, I first met Carrie and her niece a couple of weeks ago on Halloween.

Thank God they decided to take that walk.

And now we’re headed down the aisle; a very different kind of walk.

(barking excitedly)

And, Carrie, if I may borrow a line from our favorite song, I would walk 500 miles…

Stampede!

(dogs barking)

Isn’t he adorable?

He loves those dogs.

I’m hearing a lot of good things about that guy.

That’s it.

Glenn, are you okay?

No, I’m not okay.

I thought I could do this, but I can’t.

I’ve been lying to you, and I’ve been lying to myself.

There’s something you need to know.

I hate dogs.

(all gasp)

Uh, this party has begun its initial descent.

That’s not even my dog.

That’s Brian, my neighbor’s dog. He can talk.

Brian, say something.

Brack.

Bite me.

Glenn… (scoffs) I can’t believe this.

So you don’t like dogs, that’s fine.

But you didn’t have to lie and put me through all of this.

Good-bye, Glenn.

Uh, folks, please use caution as you exit the party as some of your feelings may have shifted.

Well, well, well.

Save it, Brian. I’ll concede that you were right.

But you know what? So was I.

Dogs are the worst.

And I’m coming for you, Brian the dog.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

But one day.

Maybe tomorrow.

And when that day comes, you’re gonna say, ooh, Glenn got me good.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a walk.

Brack?

Oh, no. Stay…

You’re coming back, though, right?

Hey, Brian, I was just over talking to Quagmire, and he thought you might want to take a look at my new screenplay.

Oh, I-I don’t really, uh…

It’s called Ocean’s 1.

Between you and me, I can’t believe nobody’s done it before, to say nothing of Ocean’s 2 through 7.

Yeah, I-I could, uh, take a look, sure.

It’s a little long right now.

It’s about 430 pages.

I have my “all is lost” moment on page 389, thereabouts.

Quagmire!

Now, if’n you don’t know, most Hollywood screenplays wrap up at around 110 pages.

And if’n it’s a comedy, why, you want it in the 90s.

Anyway, they said I could have these last few seconds to mention something near and dear to me.

So, men, don’t be afraid to have the doctor put a camera up your old saddle masher.

They knock you out now, and it’s a good way to make sure there’s no bad beans in your mess wagon.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the Family Guy.

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