Family Guy – S20E01 – LASIK Instinct | Transcript

Lois decides to get LASIK surgery, but exploits her failing vision for personal gain; Peter, Chris and Stewie have to partake in activities with Doug that are neglected by his father.
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Family Guy - S120E01 - LASIK Instinct

Original air date: September 26, 2021

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

All right, time for 8:15 drop-off. Now Mommy’s on a quick break till 3:30. (sighs) Toughest job in the world.

Oh, look, Kylie’s mom is out of rehab.

Good morning, little guy.

Hey, Janet, good to see you. Hey, listen, thank you so much for your apology email. An individual one would have been nice, but one to the whole class was fine, too. Have a good day, Stewie.

(loud thud)

Oh, my God, please be a dog. Please be a dog.

(crying): Ow. Ow…

Oh, my God, it’s a kid!

It’s Doug! Nice hit, bitch. Oh, and Elsa underwear. This day just keeps getting better!

Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?

I’m fine, but Doug’s mother would probably like three martinis, and then to have unprotected sex with her boss at work.

And Doug’s father would love a glass of warm tap water and to never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.

And here we go.

Okay, well, I am just so sorry about what happened with Doug. I just didn’t see the little guy.

Well, maybe you ought to get your eyes examined.

I appreciate that it was an accident, Mrs. Griffin. But nonetheless, we’ve retained a lawyer.

Well, there must be some way short of a lawsuit we can make this up to you.

Well, this is my weekend with Doug, but I’ve got tickets to see Lana Del Rey with our former nanny Jessica.

(exhales sharply)

She’s 24. So as a form of settlement, maybe this weekend you can put together a tree house I don’t want to deal with.

Fine. If that’s what I have to do to make this right, then Peter and my children will build your son’s tree house.

Deal.

All right, I guess now the four men awkwardly sit here while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn’t deserve one.

LOIS: And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.

DOUG’S MOTHER: Ooh, what a fun house.


Okay, Mrs. Griffin, tell me what you see.

Um, I see a cow in a lab coat, some vultures in a cowboy hat, and a dog trying to trick a cat into a clothes dryer.

Just as I thought. You’re Far-Sided.

Oh, no. What-what do I do about it?

Oh, well, I’m no doctor, but I would say you either need to get glasses or maybe LASIK.

Is that the surgery people get and then tell everybody they got it?

Yes, it’s the veganism of elective surgery. If you’re unsure of what to do, here’s a video of Radiohead front man and super weirdo Thom Yorke to help you decide.

Hello, I’m Thom Yorke. You might know me from Radiohead or my passing resemblance to a melting Tilda Swinton. Not many people know that I’m blind in one eye. Can you guess which one?

This is awful.

Wait, just give it a few minutes. All his stuff starts kind of slow.

Fine, I’ll get the LASIK.

Great. Make an appointment with my nurse. Now here’s a lollipop from the Sackler family that says, “Sowwy.”

THOM YORKE: In the future, we won’t even need our eyes. Computers will see for us.

Oh, now you’re a doctor? I guess I’m a singer now.

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la. ♪ I’m Casey Kasem.

(à la Kasem): That was Elmer Hartman peaking at number 32 with “I Hate Computers (Tra-La-La).”


Mrs. Griffin, the surgery was a success. And by that, I mean the hospital agreed to take your Discover card.

Plus, we’ll get one percent of that back, which is basically like getting nothing.

(gasps) Oh, my God… I’m blind.

PETER: What do you mean you’re blind? Y-You can’t see me right now?

No!

But you can still see, like, the stove and laundry, right?

But, Mom, we got you a balloo…

Shh, shh, shh. (whispers): She doesn’t know about the balloon.

Don’t worry, Lois, we’ll be right by your side the whole time, and not outside playing with a balloon.

(Peter laughing) I love you, balloon. Oh-oh, oh, no, no! I’m coming, balloon!

(air hisses, Peter inhales)

(helium voice): Don’t tell your mother about this.


Don’t worry, Lois, I went blind a while back. It was cool. They’re some of the last people you can still make fun of.

Dad!

It’s fine, they won’t see this.

Dr. Hartman, you said there was very little risk to LASIK, but now I am blind. How did this happen?

Okay, look, this isn’t my fault. It was Take-Your-Cat- To-Work day.

(meows)

Dr. Hartman, what does this mean, you know, for me?

Well, whatever your wife did for you, you’ll now have to do for yourselves. And until she gets used to her new life, you’ll need to take care of her. Feed her, bathe her, drive her places.

They’re gone, aren’t they?

They left, yes.


There they are. I thought we said 10:00 sharp, but we must have said 10:18. (chuckles) No one’s fault, but going forward, let’s make sure we respect each other’s time, hmm? You must be Chris.

I must?

You know, we have a friend in common: Mr. Herbert.

How do you know Mr. Herbert?

We’re friends. Sometimes he comes to my art shows, and we get ice cream after.

Let me guess, he takes you to the park where the swings go really high?

He does.

Uh-huh. That’ll stop. And the ice cream? Don’t get used to it. I’ve seen a thousand of you. I’ve outlasted them. I’ll outlast you.

Okay, uh, my dad left a note for you, Mr. Griffin.

“Griffins, build this tree house for my son. He will love it for a year, until my housekeeper moves into it, even though it doesn’t have electricity or running water. She walked here from Guatemala. She’ll be fine.”

Let’s get started, boys.

Aw, man, this is gonna be more work than when I built that Habitat for Sean Hannity.

As you can see, we’ve made everything white, like you requested. Here’s a room to recover from your sodium headaches, and on the walls, I painted some of your most famous quotes. There’s the one where you compared the homosexual lifestyle to playing in the sewer, and there’s the one where you defended Roy Moore.

Nice.

Uh-huh. And here’s a room where you can blame things on an immigrant.

Hey, nothing personal, I just peddle hate for money.


ANNOUNCER: We now return to Blindflix, the streaming service for blind people.

I can’t believe it’s the year 2034, Earth is uninhabitable, and we’re hurtling through space to find a place for humanity to start again.

Thankfully, we are Chris Evans and Vanessa Hudgens, and have sexy bodies that will make beautiful racially nuanced babies. I love you, Chris Evans.

I love you, too, Vanessa Hudgens. Kiss me.

(both moaning)

Ah, this show is so sexy.

How you doing, Mom? Do you need to go poopies?

Meg, please stop asking me that. I’m sorry, I just– I hate being so dependent on other people. I feel helpless and worthless.

I get it. I feel helpless and worthless 24-sevs.

How do you deal with it?

Cutting, minor arson, and sometimes I post empowerment videos on YouTube.

Empowerment videos? I thought YouTube went out of business. Uh, what am I thinking of?

Circuit City.

Yes.

Here. The camera’s on. Just getting your feelings out will make you feel better.

Oh, okay. Um, hello. Uh, my name is Lois Griffin, and I… am blind. Uh, I went to the hospital for a simple surgery and woke up in the ICU. But the irony was I couldn’t see you. I couldn’t see anyone or anything. Even the people closest to me who need to be seen the most. So now I suppose if I want to see again, I’ll have to listen more and-and feel more and focus on what’s on the inside and not what I can see on the outside. (sighs) Okay, that’s all for now.

Mom, that was incredible. You really spoke to me.

Who-Who’s that? Is that Lois?

Peter, I’m the one who’s blind.

Sorry, I-I’m still getting used to things.


I can’t believe Doug’s dad texted me and said we had to come to Doug’s T-ball game or he was gonna sue us.

Looks like they got Big League Chew.

Yeah, I saw that. I saw that they got Big League Chew.

Ah, the baseball field. Good memories. Lost my v-card here with Jennifer Jason Leigh in that dugout right over there.

That was Fast Times.

Yeah, fast for her, maybe. I took a while.

(whistling)

Excuse me. What happened to your big trip to Providence?

Good morning, sports fans. You ready to witness the epitome of excellence? Check this out.

(chuckling): Oh. Ball one.

(grunts)

Look, spaz, hold the bat like this, and then step into it as you swing forward.

I did it. Thanks, Mr. Griffin.

I’m leaving.

Come on, Chris. Don’t be mad. My plans changed. Oh, hey, Doug.

CHRIS: Are you kidding me?!


Mom, you won’t believe what happened. Your video went viral.

Oh, does that mean Circuit City’s back?

No, it means your ICU video really connected with people. You’re helping people who feel unseen, Mom. Like me. You’re everywhere.

Okay, so what am I supposed to do now?

Make another video.

Hi, Lois, I didn’t get a monkey. Off to see Bananarama. Bye.

♪ I’m your Venus… ♪

Well, it’s not what I thought it was gonna be either.


Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts. What’s going on? Who are these people?

My team. ICU has exploded. There’s ICU Fashion, ICU Skincare, ICU Health. It is a gold mine.

Okay, but what does any of this have to do with seeing people for who they really are?

Oh, pfft, who cares about that?

I do. ICU was an idea I could really believe in, and you’re ruining it.

I’m not ruining it, I’m expanding it. You know, I’m the one who went blind, Meg. I’m the one who’s suffering. Now the least I can do is make some money from it. Now stand back. It’s time to make another video.

Hello, Seers, Lois here. You know, sometimes the darkness gets overwhelming, and that’s when I turn to ICU Essential Oils. It calms you before sleep, or you can cook chicken in it.

(upbeat music playing)


Oh, my God. I can see. Oh, God, but if anybody finds out, it’ll ruin my ICU brand. Ugh. Peter told me he’d been doing laundry. You know, now I’m even wondering if he lost those 75 pounds like he said.

PETER: What’s that, Lois? I’m just on the spin bike. Got a good sweat going. Boy, you’re right, Sarah loves those hills.


Okay, here’s the microphone.

Yeah, I see it. I-I mean, oh, thank you. Uh, i-is that Meg?

Mom, what’s going on with you?

Nothing. Especially my eyesight. I am still very, very blind.

Thank you all for coming today. I can’t see you, because I’m blind, but ICU.

(cheering)

Please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership with increasingly irrelevant rapper Eminem, the Eminenema. It promises to clear out “8 Miles” of mom’s spaghetti. It goes in slim clear and comes out slim shady. Thank you, I’m blind.

(cheering)

That was incredible, Lois. You’re a real inspiration. My name is Wanda Keptmymaidenname, and I work for Helen.

(gasps) Helen Disingenuous, the beloved daytime talk show host who gives millions away to those in need and is still somehow loathed?

Well, “loathed” is a little bit exactly right, but yes. I’m here, Lois, because Helen has been following your success and would love to make it her own. Would you consider being a guest on our show?

Oh, my gosh, really? That’s amazing. So I get to go to Hollywood?

We actually tape the show in Burbank.

Oh. What’s the difference?

(laughs) That’s hilarious. I’ll have someone who makes a lot less money than me set everything up.

Meg, can you believe it? This is gonna take ICU global. I’ll be more popular than a Robert Redford clip.


Hey, guys. My dad made you another list.

“Teach Doug to ride a bike, bake cookies, listen to his Archer impression.” This is ridiculous. We’re not doing any of this.

I don’t know, I kind of want to hear his Archer impression.

Yeah, I’m curious.

(as Archer): I’m an international spy, but I also do mundane things.

Okay, all right. That’s-that’s pretty good. But that’s it. No more.

Then I guess my dad will just have to sue you.

You know what? Go ahead and sue us. I mean, look at this guy. What do you think you’re gonna get? We came here in his dog’s car.

But we had a deal.

Well, the deal’s off. I’ll call your dad myself.

No, don’t.

(phone ringing)

What the…? … It was you making us do all that stuff. You made fools of us, Doug!

Get him.

(Chris grunting)

(Brian barking)

Dad, help.

I’m not Dad. I’m Pete the Pirate. God, I already told you.

Why did you do it? Why did you make us do all that stuff

For this. I did it for this.

What? What do you mean?

(sighs) I don’t have a dog or a brother. Or even a father, really. But these past few days I felt like I’ve had all that. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know any other way to get you to spend time with me.

Doug, there you are. Thank God!

Hey, I got your message about the miscarriage. So, Saturday night?

What a dick. You know what? I’m gonna go poop in his shoes.

You’d do that for me?

Sure I will, buddy.

Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber. I’ll join you.

Thanks, guys. I guess that just leaves us.

Look, I think you’re a total garbage person.

Same.

And being nice to you goes against everything I stand for.

Same.

Okay, don’t be the person who just says “same,” like it’s a real response. You know what, let’s just hate each other in public and maybe not hate each other as much in private.

Like George and Kellyanne Conway?

What is up with those two?


Ah, this is really gonna put ICU over the top, Meg. I am gonna be rich.

Now, which one is better, the blue or the green?

Wait, how do you know what colors they are? … (gasps) Mom, you can see? I knew it.

Okay, fine. Yes, I can see.

I can’t believe you’ve been lying. Why?

Don’t you get it? I have to be blind to keep the money rolling in. Nobody’s gonna be inspired by a middle-aged, cisgendered, able-bodied white woman.

Or man.

Now, you keep your mouth shut, or I will…

Knock knock.

Helen, is that you? Oh, I’m so blind. (nervous chuckle)

I just wanted to say hello, welcome you to the show. Have you been to Burbank before?

Never.

Oh, well, while you’re waiting, check out this video I made for the Burbank Tourism Association.

HELEN (narrating): Welcome to beautiful Burbank, California, home of more year-round Halloween stores than any other city in the world. Do you like Jack in the Box? Then you’re in luck. We’ve got six of them. If you’ve ever wanted to visit a place where you can hear the freeway from literally every spot in town, then Burbank is for you. Want to do drugs in an empty swimming pool with a couch in it? Want to see what you imagine an affluent neighborhood in Honduras looks like? You can do all of that and so much more in Burbank.

(cheers and applause)

We’re here with Lois Griffin, founder of ICU and an inspiration to millions of easily persuadable women. So, Lois, I understand, in addition to everything else, you’ve started the ICU Foundation.

That’s right, Helen. You know, you haven’t really made it until you’re able to convince rich people to give you money for a nebulous and undefined important cause.

And what will your foundation focus on?

Women’s issues. And the environment. Refugees.

(applause)

Well, we support you, so we’ve got a surprise for you.

Oh, my God. Reese Witherspoon?! I love her.

(all gasp)

Lois, how did you know it was Reese Witherspoon if you can’t see?

Ah. Um, that’s-that’s just, um, what I say when I’m excited. Reese Witherspoon!

Lois, are you actually blind?

Yes. I mean… No. I was blind when I started ICU, but I got my sight back a few days ago. I just wanted to make a difference and, you know, maybe get money from sympathetic strangers. I’m sorry.

Hey, y’all, can I put this big ole check down? My arms ain’t but small sticks.

Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon, you big phony. There’s no way you’ve read all those books you slap your sticker on.

Well, Lois, you’ve disappointed a lot of people here today. And since this is daytime TV, you’ll have to stand trial on a Black judge show.

(upbeat theme music playing)

Lois Griffin, I find you guilty, and I sentence you to pay your roommate back for his dog food, or whatever dumb (bleep) this one’s about.


Well, Lois, I’m glad you’re not blind anymore.

Oh, me, too. I just wish I’d handled it better.

Hey, at least you got to go to Hollywood.

Burbank.

What’s the difference?

Oh, boy, I’ll show you.

HELEN (narrating): Want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star? Want to take an improv class from an instructor you have to drive home after? You can in Burbank. Buy a house with a second floor no one got permits for, and then watch the 98-degree winter nights tick by through rusty bars on your windows. Share a duplex with that guy from that thing. Pay L.A. prices for Orlando amenities in Burbank.

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