Family Guy – S19E18 – Meg Goes to College [Transcript]

Meg endures a college admissions scandal caused by Peter and Lois; Brian goes on a fitness journey.
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Family Guy - S19E18 - Meg Goes to College

Original air date: May 2, 2021

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

New shirt, Cleveland?

Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.

Is the picture that bad?

It was the worst thing I would ever want to see myself be. Problem with these dark shirts is the dandruff shows. But when I wear light colors…

The dandruff doesn’t show, but you look bigger in the shirt. Yeah, it’s called “Guillermo’s Paradox.”

What’s that now?

Guillermo del Toro theorized that a fat man’s shirt cannot simultaneously appear slimming and clean.

Mm. That boy does look like he be gettin’ dry.

All right, Peter, what’s going on?

Well, truth be told, Meg wants me to give her a bunch of money so she can go to college, and I guess… I guess I’d rather spend that money on alcohol.

Listen, I helped my daughter through college and it was the best thing I ever did.

Well, it was just kind of us talking, but how so?

Right after she graduated, she got a real good job and bought me a new car. Says she’s gonna buy me a house one day, so I can sell this place and retire.

Man, imagine how great it would feel to be retired?

I knew a retired kid in high school. All he ate was Tater Tots. He smooshed a turtle like a ice cream sandwich. He was severely retired.

Okay, Peter.

Guys, I’ve got to help Meg get into a good college. Then I can have the golden years I’ve always dreamed of.

I sure am gonna miss you, baby. New wife that’s just one giant freckle? Come on, Florida, cancer, let’s go!

(Brian barking)

What’s going on? You okay?

This-this squirrel, man…

(squirrel chittering)

Yeah, come down here and do it, huh? Come down here!

Well, you’re getting old, Bri. Might be time to pack it up and get out of the squirrel gettin’ game.

No way, man. That little bastard comes down here…

Hey.

(chittering)

Get him, boy.

(Brian barking)

(panting)

(retches)

You’ve got to get in shape, man. You know, you should meet my trainer. I think you’d really like him.

You have a trainer?

Yes. You think it’s easy looking zero for 20 years?

All right, fine, I’ll give it a shot. Right now I feel more useless than a chiropractor in an emergency.

Excuse me, is anyone here a doctor?

I have a heating pad in my office. What seems to be the problem?

(cheering)

All right, Meg, now if we’re gonna get you into a good school, we’re gonna have to fudge your application a bit.

Okay, how do we do that?

I don’t know, I ate the fudge. But the good news is I got a letter of recommendation for you. It’s from Big Bird and I wrote it.

“When I first met…”

Read it as Big Bird, please.

(nasally): “When I first met Peter, I was impressed at how tall and handsome he is.”

That’s coming from Big Bird? Think of all the celebrities he’s met. Ryan Reynolds was on Sesame Street. Wow.

“Also, have you ever noticed that Grover and Super Grover are never in the same room at the same time?”

As I said, Lois, not two days ago.

Principal Shepherd, what’s it gonna take to get Meg into a college?

If Meg has any chance at all, she’s going to need a little “extra help.”

We’ll do anything. Whatever it takes.

Good. Now you do understand how this works?

We understand. I guess I’ll, uh, I’ll meet you in the car.

He didn’t mean you have to sleep with him.

There are a few options.

(lights buzzing)

Now, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, every college has spots set aside for athletic recruits. We can make Meg look like a star athlete. With the click of a button, we can make Meg look like she played varsity lacrosse, won the Quahog Marathon, or had her head roll down a temple in Apocalypto.

Lois, this is amazing! Meg’s gonna look more successful than a businessman in a hard hat.

Hey! I came down here from the office to point at the plans, then at the building! Plans! Building! Building! Plans!

Yes, sir. Right away, sir!

MAN (singing):

I come down to the site once in a while.

Hi, uh, you must be Stewie’s trainer. Wh… How did you…? I thought I was gonna meet your trainer?

You’re looking at him, Bri. Look at my body. I’m jacked. You want to get jacked?

Uh…

Yeah, you want to get jacked. That’s what having a trainer is. Just a couple of guys getting jacked. Sometimes twice a day.

Okay, you know what…?

All right, before we start in, a little business to go over. I was just messing around about the jacked stuff, by the way. Uh, did you want to sign up for the full three years?

Three years? Don’t you just do it by the session?

Yeah, no, we can do, uh, sesh to sesh. Not committed. Did you want to do the supplement plan?

Uh. uh, no. No, thanks.

Going through the motions. All right, so what do you got going on for New Years?

What?

80% of being a trainer is asking clients what they’re doing for New Years. And then not seeming interested when you tell me.

I don’t know, I might go over to a buddy’s house and watch the ball drop.

Oh, right on. So, uh, what do you do for work?

I’m a writer.

Okay, so lot of sittin’?

Yeah.

Hang on, I got to make a call. Hey, Death? I got a guy here just about ready for you. No, not really, I’m just trying to make a point. All right, and that is it for today. First sesh in the books. Let’s Ven’ to the ‘mo.

CLEVELAND: ♪ Mail time, mail time, mail time, mail time ♪

♪ Mail time. ♪

The mail’s here!

♪ Here’s the mail that never fails ♪

♪ It makes me want to wag my tail ♪

♪ When it comes I want to wail mail… ♪

“To Meg Griffin.”

(gasps) It’s from Brown!

(gasps) I’ve been accepted!

Hey, that’s great news. Let’s clap it up my high school girlfriend and I still say I love you in e-mails. I was hoping the good news and the clapping would offset this secret. But yay, Meg!

Wow, I remember when my parents clapped their hands after moving something one time. You never forget those moments.

Now remember, Meg, I want you to call us every week, and then every few weeks, and then never.

I promise, Mom.

Got to admit, I’m kind of jealous you get to go to college and live in such a cool dorm. Look, they even have the pay phone Denise Huxtable would call from on A Different World. Hi, Dad. College is great.

I’m doing what I want to actresses and will get support from my wife Camille.

That stuff was more out in the open than I remember.

(indistinct chatter)

Well, I guess that’s it. Our baby is all grown up and living at college.

I know! She’s so lucky! This place is awesome!

You think I’ll go to college one day?

Oh… yeah.

Sky’s the limit, champ. Lois, I’ll meet you down at the car. I got to take a dump that will live on in story and song.

No, I don’t have a roommate. I guess he, like, died or something. So I’ve got a double all to myself.

A double? Hey, roomie. Want to listen to The Doors for the next six months and then never again for the rest of your life?

Wait, you’re my roommate? You’re Ashok Chandrasekhar?

God bless you.

(laughs) Classic Ashok.

Hey, why’d you tell me to meet you at Meg’s room?

Well, now that Meg is in college, I turned her room into a gym.

Oh, my God. How’d you do this?

Took a Limitless pill and played “Old Town Road” on loop. All right, why don’t we start off with a plank? One minute, and I’m gonna go call my girlfriend and the forget about you. And… go.

(phone beeps)

Hey. I’m at the gym, why?

Stewie?

Babe, you know I can’t deal with your sister. Hey, babe… babe? Baby girl?

Stewie!

Babe! Babe, I’m not… baby babe, ba-babe, baby, baby, come on.

(sharp snap)

(shouts, moaning)

Babe, I’ll call you back.

(moaning)

Okay, right on, so you remember I was telling you about the magnesium supplement with the bone boost? So this is why you want to try and take that. Right on?

No, not “right on”! My arm feels like it’s broken!

Oh, it’s gonna need some P.T. Let me give you the card of my physical therapist. He’s the best.

This is gonna be you in another shirt, isn’t it?

Hey, what’s the problemo? Give me the rundown, go ahead.

H-Hey, Meg? Hi, I’m Xander. I’m-I’m in your bio class. I’m not a stalker.

(laughs) Either way.

Listen, me and my roommates are having people over tonight, and I was wondering if you’d want to come by.

Yeah. I’d love to.

Awesome. Keeney, 325.

PETER: Heads up!

(Meg exclaims)

Dad? What the hell are you doing?

I’m going to college now.

Wait, what? What about Mom?

Well, I had to have a tough conversation with her by the lake.

I’m just not a fan of long-distance relationships.

Peter, I need to know if you’re gonna pick Stewie up from school.

I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. We’ll see where we’re at then.

(indistinct chatter)

Hi, I’m Serena. This is Lily and Grace.

Weet up.

Hyai.

Are you interested in pledging for Alpha Delta Pi?

Yeah! I hear you guys throw all the best parties.

ALL: Well, we’ve been waiting for you all summer, and we’re so glad you’re finally here.

(all screaming happily)

GIRLS (chanting): Boom, boom, I wanna go A D Pi…

PETER: Meg, you gotta get me out of here. These people are out of their minds. Do not go A D Pi, Meg. Do not join this thing. They don’t let us out of the pile. They’re so mean, Meg. They’re so mean.

SORORITY SISTERS: I wanna go A D Pi, don’t you?

Hey, Meg, I’m a hippie now, and I’m feeling the burn.

Bernie Sanders?

No, none of my hippie girlfriends shower, and my crotch itches.

You know, despite what we’re doing here, I’m still your daughter.

Right, right. Hey, uh, would you sign this petition to help save the spotted owl?

Yeah, sure.

Awesome. You’re our 50th signature.

So what happens now?

Buck, wait!

(chain saw revs)

Buck! They got 50 signatures.

That’s 50 all right. Well, let’s get back in the truck.

You don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’m still itchy.

MEG: Dad, I’m holding the ladder!

There he is, the big dog. You ready to sweat? Today we got legs, and I’m gonna tell you everything I’ve ever watched on Netflix.

Stewie, listen, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I got a new trainer.

New trainer? Who? Doug? Ugh.

That’s right, Stewie, it’s an ugh-Doug moment. No hard feelings. I think Brian here just wants to rev up to a higher octane.

See you around, Stewie.

So it might take me a little longer to train you, Brian. You’re going to have to unlearn everything Stewie taught you. Fortunately, that was almost nothing.

(Brian laughs) Oh, man.

PETER: Heads up.

Ow! Dad, what the hell? Did you join a frat?

I tried to, but I got the letters mixed up and joined a fart.

(flatulence)

(laughs) Hey, everyone, I’m in college, but here’s a test for you. We just gave you the easiest joke setup in Family Guy history: Peter joins a fart house. Is the correct punchline?
A. And I thought calculus stunk!
B. We don’t need a pledge, we need a big can of Glade!
Or C. You want to see a Brown quad, you should’ve seen my legs after Greek week!

Good luck to you. And now back to our story.

Hey, ladies, toga farty tonight at I Delta PU. Tell your friends.

Ew, no.

Heh, they all say that.

Hey, what are you reading?

Boning up for an exam.

I boned up yesterday when I walked into the girls’ shower.

(classic slide whistle riff)

Dad, please!

Sorry, Meg, I’ve been smoking doobies all morning. Talk about higher education.

(classic up-down slide)

That’s it. I can’t take this anymore. Dad, get out of here.

What? This is what college is.

How do you know? You’re not even a student here. You’re a total fraud.

Me? You wouldn’t even be here if your mother and I didn’t pay someone to get you in.

What?!

Yeah, your whole application was fake.

Meg, is this true?

What? No, of course not, Dean Nearby.

Well, if it is, you’re going to be suspended.

Oh, no.

Well, that weekend on the Cape with Principal Shepherd was a waste.

I know I said I wouldn’t get clingy, but when can I see you again?

I can’t believe they suspended Meg.

Suspended Meg? Peter, you and I could be going to jail.

I can’t go to jail. Me and my fart brothers are supposed to streak the quad later.

(plays “Charge” riff)

Now stop that. You’re not in whatever you think college is anymore.

I can’t believe you two did this to me. Maybe if you believed in me, none of this would have happened.

Meg, honey, nobody wanted you out of this house more than we did.

You know, maybe there’s a way none of you gets in trouble.

What are you talking about?

Well, you said you can do all those things on your application. If you show you actually can do those things, you’re all in the clear.

And then I can get back to hustling drunk women upstairs with Tobin and Squee.

Well, I better get to work, then. But I seriously doubt that I’ll be able to pull this off.

Hey, come on. Anything’s possible. Like when that Starbucks cup made it onto Game of Thrones.

This is it. Here it comes, here it comes.

Hey! -Oh, my gosh.

That’s so cool.

I can’t believe this. What’s the Internet saying?

They-they thought you were great.

Okay, Brian, this many.

(straining)

This many. Come on, Brian, you can do it.

(straining)

And that’s as many as I know. Good job, Brian. Hey, Stewie, congratulate your friend. He just did this many sit-ups.

What? There’s nothing after that. That’s as high as it goes.

(chuckles) Yep.

Are you crazy, pushing him that hard? You’re playing a dangerous game.

Yeah, it’s dangerous. And that’s the way I like it.

Listen, Doug, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I just got this new job, and the commute is… ugh.

I can work around your schedule.

Well, that’s the thing. I don’t have one. That’s the way the suits figured it anyway.

What exactly is this job?

I know, right? Anyway, you’ve been terrific, and I’m gonna keep at this. But I’m afraid this is goodbye.

What if I went down to $300 a week?

STEWIE: You’re paying him?!

I’m sorry.

(blows raspberries)

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no need for that.

(blows raspberries)

Thank you for that, Brian.

You’re welcome, Stewie. You know, this whole thing has taught me an important lesson. I hate exercise.

Gay-men.

Somebody has to help me walk down the stairs.

MAN (through bullhorn): Everyone, if I could have your attention. I’m Dean Distant Faraway, and we’re here today to determine whether or not Meg Griffin can justify her admission to our university.

And we’re Mom and Dad. Hi.

Go blue.

DISTANT FARAWAY: What did they say? I-I’m very far away.

Strike.

(all cheering)

(all cheering)

(all cheering)

Ah… Dr. Nassar?

(whispers indistinctly)

(gasps) Oh, my stars.

Okay, I’m gonna try to kill two birds with one stone here. I’ll be singing “Love is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar.

(murmuring)

In Russian.

(excited chatter)

Hit it.

(music starts)

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ My sil’nyy ♪

♪ Nikito Nam Ne Skazhet chto ♪

♪ My ne pravy ♪

♪ Dolgo ishchen vy ♪

♪ Nashix serdtsa ♪

♪ My oba znaem chto ♪

♪ Lyubov eto battlefield. ♪

(cheering)

Well, it appears you can do pretty much everything you claimed on your application.

So that’s it? I’m back in school?

I think all you have to do now is prove you can windsurf over Providence Falls.

Oh, right.

You prove that, you’re back. Wait, did we check that she can get dunked on by her dad?

Dunked on by my d…?

Oh! You gotta get big, Meg.

(cheering)

Guys, no matter what happens, I just want you to know that I forgive you for what you did. I know deep down you were just looking out for me.

Whatever you think the lesson is here is fine by us.

(fanfare plays)

Good luck, Meg. We love you.

(crowd cheering)

(breathes deeply)

Aah… Aw, so close.

(crowd screaming)

(Meg yelling)

Peter, call an ambulance.

Can you do it? My number’s blocked by 911.

911 CALL
OPERATOR: 911, what is your emergency?
PETER: Yeah, can I read you this email and you tell me if it sounds to hostile?
OPERATOR: Sir, this line is reserved for emergencies only.
PETER: It’s regards to being kicked out of the maracas section of Guitar Center.
OPERATOR: Sir, I can’t…
PETER: Dear Guitar Center, I have bought several guitar picks in order to use your toilet and have never had a problem… until today.

Come on, you can do this. Stewie does it every day.

He does?

Yep. Just put one hand on the rail.

Damn it, I can’t. Uppies.

Adios, Doug.

From hell’s heart I stab at thee. With my last breath, I spit upon…

(snoring)

Ha! What a baby.

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