Bob’s Burgers – S12E04 – Driving Big Dummy | Transcript

Bob goes on a road trip with Teddy; Linda and the kids compete to be Employee of the Day.
Bob's Burgers - S12E04 - Driving Big Dummy

Original air date: October 17, 2021

Bob and Teddy go on a road trip to pick up a new sink for the restaurant….and drop off a gigantic ventriloquist dummy head for a collector of mini-golf sculptures. Frequent stops for food and other items show that Teddy seems to know everyone in the state. Meanwhile, Linda and the kids compete hard on a busy shift to win Employee of the Day, which carries a big ice cream prize.

* * *

♪ ♪

BOB: Okay, great. Uh, I’ll see you soon.

Bye. Good news, everybody, the guy still has the sink and it’s a really good price.

Uh, I’m gonna go check it out, and unless something is terribly wrong with it, we’ll have a new, slightly used kitchen sink for the restaurant.

All right!

This is all happening so fast.

Yeah, if you told me I was gonna wake up today and we were getting new sink, I would have been all, “What?”

I know. It’s very exciting.

It’s deeper than the one we have now, and it’s got rounded corners, so it’s easier to clean.

Like me.

It’s basically the sink I’ve wanted my whole life.

Dream big, Dad.

The only problem is I don’t think it will fit in the back of our car unless I rip out the back seat, which wouldn’t be great, because that’s, uh, where the kids go.

We can ride on the roof, Teen Wolf style.

(entry bells jingle)

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Teddy.



Hey, you.

I mean, maybe I can just cram it in there?

What needs cramming?

Bob’s getting us a new sink for the kitchen today.

He’s gonna buy it from a guy in, uh…

Where is he, Bob?


It’s a… It’s a couple hours away.

Right. But he’s not sure it’ll fit in our car.

(scoffs) Or if our car can drive for two hours.

Oh! Oh, my God. Bob.


This is your lucky day!

I’m driving through Bridgehurst to do a job for Mr. Fischoeder today.

He sold that giant ventriloquist dummy head from the old funhouse to a guy who wants to use it for his mini golf course.

Oh, I remember that big dummy. Didn’t he have a name?

Big Dummy.

It’s a beautiful name.

Anyway, I just loaded it onto a flatbed trailer at Fischoeder’s and I’m gonna drive it out to the golf course guy.

He’s just one town over from Bridgehurst.

So you can come with me and throw your sink in the back of my truck.

We can catch up. Talk.

I haven’t seen you since yesterday.

Oh, Teddy, that’s so nice of you, but, um, I’m… I’m good.


What are you talking about, Bob?

Teddy’s got a truck, you’ve got a giant sink. This is perfect.

I mean, Linda, I don’t want to impose on Teddy.

Impose. Listen to this guy.

I know. Mr. Fancy Words.


Uh, Lin, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?

Uh, I don’t want to spend two hours in a car with Teddy.

I mean, I don’t want to spend two hours in a car with anyone.

And with Teddy, it’s just so much talking.

Come on, Bobby. Take the ride.

We both know Teddy could use the company.

He’s a lonely guy.

(sighs) Okay, fine.

But I’m bringing a book.

You know we don’t have books.

So you’re sure Big Dummy never comes to life?

I mean, pretty sure.

Even at night, when we’re all asleep?

Uh, I don’t think so.

What if he gets hungry?

I assume he eats children?

Y-You guys are freaking me out.

Not all giant ventriloquist heads eat children, okay?

This one does not.

Guess what, Teddy?

You and Bob are hitting the road together.

We are?

Uh, yup.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, this is gonna be great, Bob.

We’re going for a joyride.

Uh, I don’t think that’s the right term.

(tune of Foghat’s “Slow Ride”): ♪ Joyride, take it easy. ♪

Boy ride.

Ooh, boy ride.

Oh, my God.

But, uh, Teddy, we should try and get back as quickly as possible so I can get to work in the restaurant.

Oh, relax, Bob. We’ll be fine.

Take all day.

Yup. Great.

Yeah, see the sights.

Try taking the road less traveled.

Get your groove back.

Thanks, everyone.

Meet me out front in 15 minutes, Bob, ready for fun. Ow!

Oh, your face!

Ha. I’m just so excited. Ow!

Is something wrong with this door? Heh. No, no, it’s me.

(horn honks twice)

TINA: That’s not gonna haunt my dreams.

I hope it does haunt mine.

Mom, take my picture with it.


I don’t want that picture in our family.

Is the mini golf course using it to scare people into not golfing?

Mini golf already scares me.

I don’t like things that are “mini.”

Ugh. You ready, Bob?

Yup. Um, all set.

Can you drive a stick?

Don’t worry, I can.

Well, it’s an automatic, but whatever.

Bye, guys. Have a nice boy ride.

KIDS (chanting): Boy ride! Boy ride! Boy ride!

See you all very, very soon, I hope.

Bye, everyone. Don’t worry.

I’ll bring him back in one piece. Eh.

(loud grinding)

Oh, you know what it was? The car was already started.

That’s the sound you’re hearin’.

LOUISE: Well, with Dad gone, this should be a breezy day.

GENE: I could use it. I’ve had a week.

TINA: I heard that.

So long, Frowny, hello, Clowny. Wait, I’m Clowny?

You know, you’re just a little more loosey-goosey at work.

And when you blow your nose it makes a honking sound.

Oh. Huh.

Would you prefer we call you and Dad “Cranky and Skanky?”

No, no, Clowny’s better.

BOB: So many empty Tupperwares in here.

I’m sitting on one.

Yeah, I meant to stack those.

Hey, if you want, you can find the lids that match the bottoms.

That’s fun. Make it like a game.

I-I don’t think that’s a fun game.

Hey, Bob, if you need to fart like you just did, just tell me.

I’ll pull over and you can get out.

I didn’t fart.

There’s no reason we both have to suffer, right?

Teddy, I did not fart.

I’ll find a safe spot to pull over.


You get out. You rip a fart.

You get back in the car.

I didn’t fart!

That was either you, or the truck smells like that.

I didn’t fart.

Eh, forget about it.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

So, what do you want to talk about? Sports?

Deep stuff? Love?




New beginnings?


Favorite tools?


(wind whistling)

Funny Internet videos?


Hey, Bob, do me a favor and hold that window shut.

Sometimes it starts whistling when I get up around 50.

Do I have to hold this the whole trip?

No. Just while we’re going faster than 50.

Anyway, ooh.

Do you wear socks when you sleep?

Um, no.

I’m thinking about trying one on and one off.

Hear me out. It all started when I was a kid.

I lost one of my socks.

But that was just the beginning.

BOB: Oh, my God.


TEDDY: Whoops. That one was me.

(Bob whimpers)

So, long story short, my butt is apparently lopsided, and that’s why I had to return the pants.


This is great, huh, Bob?

Two friends on the open road, seeing the world together with all of its mysteries.


I mean, we’re just running an errand.

He’s a lonely guy.

Boy ride! Boy ride! Boy ride!

I mean, yeah, this is, uh, this is definitely great, Teddy.

Wait, why are you exiting?

TEDDY: I figure we can grab lunch.


Isn’t it a little early?

Maybe a little, but this gas station up here has the best hot dogs.

I drive this way all the time.

I make a lot of hot dog stops, and these are top-notch.

Eh, maybe it’s ’cause they got the rollers so they turn at just the right speed.


Cooking stuff.

Way above our heads, right, pal?


Wait. Let me see who’s working right now, Kendall or Phil.

You know the people who work here?

Of course. Shh, shh.

Trust me, you do not want to get Kendall.

Let’s just say if you drop one mega-sip soda on the floor and you do your best to clean it up, you’ll still hear about it for months.

Yes! It’s Phil.



♪ ♪

Here. People ordered some stuff.

Can you run these out to the couple in the first booth?

Eh, I suppose I can swing it.

Wait. How do they want this burger cooked?

I didn’t ask. That’s personal.

Go ask, please.

Mom, do we have bacon?

Yes, we do.

Good. One cheeseburger, no tomato.

And a bacon snack for me.

No bacon for you right now.



TINA: Damn it.

What was that noise?

Bus-Tub Jenga. I lost.

No more Bus-Tub Jenga, kids.

We’re getting a little busy in here.

Bus-Tub Twister?


(entry bells jingles)

LINDA: Oh, boy.

Lot of people.

PHIL: Yeah, I just, uh, put the hotdogs on the rollers, press the on switch, and voilà!

There’s got to be more to it. He’s being modest.

So, uh, what do we owe you for the hot dogs?

New nugget, Phil?

Yep. Good eye.

Almost one gram.

Phil here pans for gold.

Every chance I get.

Is there a lot of gold around here?

You’d be surprised.

In which way?

How little.

Then I’m not surprised, I guess, because…

Yeah, but I don’t do it for the gold.

I do it for the quality time with my lady: Mother Nature.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Which is nuts. Look at you.

Huh. Anyway, uh, we should definitely get going.

Uh, so please take this money for the hot dogs.

Don’t forget, you’re worthy of love.

TEDDY: Hey, can you even eat hot dogs?

Why wouldn’t I be able to eat a hot dog?

You’re a burger guy.

Hot dogs and burgers are enemies, right?

No. I-I think they’re friends.

TEDDY: Frenemies?

Oh, my God, are we stopping again?

This place has the cleanest bathrooms for miles.

I liked that hot dog, but it did not like me.

Oh. Terrific.

You sure you don’t need to go?


No, you’re not sure, or no, you don’t have to go?

I don’t have to go!

Okay, relax.

Can I borrow a couple of bucks?

This place makes you buy something to use the restrooms, and I only have twenties.

So use a twenty.

They don’t like breaking big bills, Bob.

I don’t want to be Mr. Big Shot “Can you break a twenty?”


LINDA: So, you ladies are in some sort of group, it looks like.

Yeah! We’re the Bon Viv-aunts.

We’re all aunts who get together once a month and do something fun.

‘Cause we don’t have kids and can do stuff.

And this month your fun thing is coming here?

Uh, no. We’re going go-carting after this.

Oh. Well, look over the menu and one of my professional children will be right over to take your orders.



Just so you know, a few more of us may trickle in.

Oh, great.

The more Bon Viv-aunts, the merrier.

Kids, follow me.

Family meeting.

GENE: Should we try to get Dad on a Zoom?

Okay, now we’re slammed out there, so we’re gonna get these people fed.

Kids, are you listening?

No. Is that bad?

Hey, hey, pay attention.

We’re gonna refill waters, collect money, give correct change, and say, “Thank you for coming.”

Got it. “Thank you for coming.” Um, I’ll do it better.

And we’re gonna push the burger of the day, and we’re gonna ask, “Do you want fries with that?”

Because that’s what I would do if I was out there.

But I’m back here today, so you got to be me, all right?

Costume change!

We’ll do our best.

Which, as you know, is not great.

All right, all right.

Whoever sells the most burgers of the day and the most fries gets to be…

Employee of the Day!

Which has a cash prize?


Any prize?

The prize is being the Employee of the Day.

Even Bus-Tub Jenga has a prize.

Yeah, not having to clean up Bus-Tub Jenga.

Okay, fine! Whoever sells the most gets… a 20-second pull from the soft serve machine, ah?




How about that?

A 20-second pull?

That’s an eternity.

That could fill my whole body.

Wait, can we do it, like, straight from the nozzle into our mouths?

No! Too many people have died that way. I assume.

That’s why it’s so tantalizing… It’s forbidden.

I-I don’t need to be under the nozzle.

We’re talking about, like, a crap-load of ice cream.

So I’m in.


Me, too.

Okay, good. Now, get out there.

Leave it all on the field. No mercy.

Pep talk! Go!

What is taking him so long?

Oh, Tupperware!

Oh, this again?

Come on!

(Bonnie and Teddy laughing)

Hey, Teddy, uh, sorry, but we should really get going.

Okay. Just let me go to the bathroom first.

Wait, you haven’t gone to the bathroom yet?

Eh. I don’t know how to say this in mixed company, Bob, but it changed its mind a few times.

It sounds like a fickle pickle.

Bob, Bonnie. Bonnie, Bob.



Bonnie owns the place.

That’s her new tow truck. Pretty sweet, huh?

See the boom on that thing? Give me a break with that winch.

Yeah, that’s a really… that’s a really great boom.

I’m happy with the boom.

Speaking of booms, Teddy, do you want to… (whistles)

Right. Okay, let’s give this a shot.

So, I might just go wait in the…

TEDDY: Bob’s a small business owner, too!

You-you guys can talk about that.

Oh, really?

No, Teddy, don’t do that.

Don’t-don’t call through the bathroom door.

It’s not necessary.

Oh, Bob, pick out a gum for me.

I-I didn’t buy anything yet.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Teddy. This one’s on me.

Nope, rules are rules.

Bob, read me the gums they have.

I don’t like cinnamon or mint or berry or anything that’s too chewy.

I’m gonna go wait in the truck. Nice to meet you. Bye.

Bobby! The gum!


So, what’s the weirdest thing you ever towed?

Louise, no. Bring it back. That’s Gene’s cheeseburger well done.

Then where’s my no-cheese medium?

There it is.

Tina, bring it back, bring it back.

Uh, sorry.

Oh, uh…

Wait, I had a cheeseburger well done?


All these burgers look the same.

Should we make them different shapes?

Is this a good time to get an update on who’s winning the contest and how it’s me?

Oh, hold on, let me check. No! You’re all losing!


But I just sold a burger of the day.

And fries, I think.

And then you gave it to the wrong person.

These Bon Viv-aunts are so high-maintenance.

They insist on getting the food that they ordered.

More like Bon Diva-aunts.

Okay, you know what? Here’s what’s gonna happen.

I’m coming out there. I’m gonna run food, I’m gonna take orders, and I’m still gonna cook.

What about Employee of the Day? And ice cream of the mouth?

Ha! I bet I can outsell all three of you combined.

So I’m entering the contest.

And when I win, you have to watch me eat the ice cream in front of you. Huh?

(all gasp)

From the nozzle!

(all gasp)

You said we weren’t allowed!

You’re still not allowed, ’cause you’re gonna lose.

But if we win, all three of us get ice cream off the nozzle.

Yeah, you can have that sad dream.

That’ll never happen.

You’ve made a powerful enemy, Linda Belcher!

Okay, uh, looks like we take the next left, and the diner where I’m gonna get the sink should be right there. That’s it.

You don’t have to hold that window shut right now.

We’re not going fast.

That’s good. It definitely hurts to hold it shut this whole time.

Okay, thanks. Sorry again for being so much later than we talked about.

He, uh, he stopped many times.

Ah, that’s fine. Enjoy the sink.

I will.

Okay, then.

See, Teddy? That’s how you run an errand.

No small talk, no fuss, just a clean, efficient exchange.

Hey, you. New used sink.

I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.

Let’s get us home.

Teddy, is that you?


Why-why is this happening to me?

What are you doing here?

I’m running Big Dummy here up to the mini golf course, and I’m also delivering this giant head.



Ah, just kidding.

Bob, Gerry. Gerry, Bob.

Gerry here has an antique store not too far from here.

I built him some shelves a while ago.

I double-checked to make sure they were level, so the worn-out old plates didn’t fall off.

They’re not worn out, they’re antiques.

It’s what we sell.

(chuckles) Gerry.

Hey, do you still play the lute?

I sure dute. Switched to electric, though.

Electric lute? Ooh, I’d love to hear that sometime.

Well, you, sir, are in luck.

Oh, no.

My metal band is practicing in the garage right now.

Called Iron Prostate.

The singer is a urologist.

No. No. No.

Yes to all of that. (chuckles)

Uh, yeah, that sounds so good.

But we should probably get going.

Bob, come on, just ten minutes.

15 minutes tops.

It’s our first practice ever, so… should be fun.

Great, great, great, great, great.

Hello, Tokyo!

We’re pretending we’re playing in Tokyo.

♪ Yeah…! ♪

♪ Ba-la-la-la, da-na-na, da-na-na, la-la-la! ♪

Man, that band was great!

You’re quiet, Bob. Are you thinking about what a fun day this has been?


Window, Bob.

I really hate this window.

Next stop, dropping off Big Dummy, then home.


And one quick stop before that.

Wait, what? No. No.

I swear it’ll be fast.

Please no.

Okay, not fast fast, but I’m literally just dropping off these Tupperwares.

Did you get all the lids on?

I meant to, but I had to hold the window, so…

Okay, I’ll hold the window shut. You do the lids.


No, stop. Teddy. I… I will do it.

Thanks for coming by!

Let me top off your waters, hon.

Here you go. Burger of the day and fries.

Oh, fork!

Wow. Thank you.

Eh, fork-get about it. (chuckles)

How the hell are we supposed to keep up with her?

She’s a machine!

She’s some sort of restaurant wizard.

Or a restaurant witch.

What the hell are you guys doing just standing here?

We’ve got a contest to win. Stop bussing and start selling.

I’m paralyzed by a combination of fear and awe.

I’m just tired.

Come on, there’s three of us and one of her.

We can do this.

We’re talking about getting ice cream straight from the nozzle!

Ah, you’re right.

I’ll do whatever it takes to get my mouth under that thing!

That’s the spirit.

Same here.

So, take Mom out? Too far?

Maybe. We’ll see. Let’s go!

TEDDY: I’ll be the first to admit it, it took a little longer than I thought to get here.

Only twice as long as you said.

I-I didn’t notice it at all.

There it is! I’m just gonna hand these to him, and I’ll be right back… No chitchat.

Even though he was very excited about this cornbread.

And it’s the only time I’ve been paid in cornbread.

And I have a lot of questions about the cornbread.

But it-it’s okay, I’ll follow up with him later.

Hello, sink. Are you having fun back there?

I kind of wish I was riding with you and not that man.

I can’t wait to rinse things in you.

I hope that didn’t sound crude.

Why do you still have those?

He’s not home.

All the lights are off, and he’s not answering the doorbell.

It’s okay, we can just wait in the truck for a little bit.

No, Teddy, just leave the Tupperware at the door, and let’s go.

Leave it at the door? Are you crazy?

Someone might steal it!

No one’s gonna steal Tupperware!

Ah, I’ll just bring it back some other time.

Hey, you can come with me if you want.


I mean, no, thank you.

Suit yourself. So, uh, you want to hop out and help me turn this thing around?

Wait, what?

It’s gonna be tight.

Probably a five-point turn, maybe seven.

I could use your eyes out there.

Okay, sure.

Call out directions and rotate your hands like you’re turning the steering wheel, okay?

How is that helpful?

It’s just simpler that way.

Like you’re operating my hands.

Do you want to practice a little first?

No, Teddy, I think I got it.

You sure?

These things can be pretty stressful in the moment.

I’m good, Teddy.


All right, cut the wheels this way.

Okay, stop.

Now this way.

Wait, which way?

You need to turn the wheels to the right, so I’m turning to the right, like you said.

So turn the wheel to the right, Teddy.

Yeah, but I’m looking at you in the mirror, so it’s reversed.

Just turn the wheels right!

This way?


BOB: Stop! Stop! Stop!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

No, no, no! Big Dummy!

Great! Now we’re stuck.

Oh, my God.

And look at Big Dummy!

What did you do, Bob?

Me? I did it the way you told me to!

No, you didn’t, Bob.

This is why we should have practiced.

Well, I shouldn’t have been giving you directions at all.

I shouldn’t have even come on this trip.

I should have just driven myself and tied the sink to the top of my stupid car.

Yeah, well, why didn’t you, Bob?

Because I felt sorry for you, okay?


This isn’t a boy ride, Teddy!

I’m your pity passenger!

What’s all the ruckus? (screams)

Hey, Mr. Estock. It’s me, Teddy.

Sorry I dropped a giant ventriloquist head on your lawn.

I mean, Bob kind of did.

I came to return your Tupperware.

This is Bob, who I thought was my friend, but I guess he’s just my pity passenger.

Oh. Hello.

I thought I was your friend, Teddy, but friends don’t hold friends hostage in their truck while they talk to every single person at every single exit!

And now we’re stuck here.

Sorry, Mr. Estock, it seems like a nice neighborhood.

It was nice, until this.

(groans) I’ll call and get a tow.

His eyes follow me.

(quietly): It knows what I’m thinking.

LOUISE: one for us, and the last one’s Mom’s.

Damn it! Mom beat us by one frickin’ burger of the day.


We almost had it all.

We worked so hard, and for what?


GENE: Just a well-run restaurant and a bunch of satisfied bon fa-faunts.

Oh, uh, wait a minute, uh, I didn’t sell these fries.

Gene sold these fries.

It was my table, but they got his attention and added another order of fries.

Yeah, they called me Pumpkin and I liked it.

Everyone call me Pumpkin from now on.

So technically, Gene gets that sale.

You guys win.

We do?

Yeah. It’s official.

You’re the Employees of the Day.


We win, you lose!

(chanting): We win, you lose! We win, you lose!

Okay, okay.

Hey, don’t feel too bad, Mom.

You were pretty amazing today.


Yeah, we thought you were the laid-back one, but it turns out that’s just ’cause you make it look easy.

You’re actually a beast. A gorgeous beast.

We should be calling you Pumpkin.

Aw. Me, Pumpkin.

I said “should.”

You cooked, you served, and you didn’t gripe about it like Dad does.

Do we need him? Cut him out?

Split the money four ways?

Nah, it’d be too hard to change the sign.

Hey, go get your ice cream.

Oh! Whoa! Aah!



TINA: Let me in there!

GENE: Ah, yum-yum-yumyum-yum-yum…

LINDA: Gene, slow down! You’re gonna choke!

GENE: I don’t care! Yum-yum-yum-yum…

Yeah, you should be good to go.

Thanks, Bonnie. Hey, remember when I asked you what’s the weirdest thing you ever towed?

It’s gotta be this now, right?

Nope. Still the mobile tattoo parlor.

Lot of complaints about those tattoos.

Not from this gal, though.

Hey, what is that?

It’s Blinky from Pac-Man.

Ha-ha! I bet there’s a story there.

(Bob whimpers)

Me and my brother used to play Pac-Man together.

He got “Clyde.”

Ah, that’s nice.

Oh, Teddy, you like asking people about themselves, don’t you?

Well, yeah.

People are interesting.

Teddy fixed the porch for me.

He wasn’t here half the day, and he got me talking about my late wife’s cornbread recipe.

How was it, by the way?

TEDDY: It was really somethin’.

I ran out of corn.

That explains it.

Well, we better get going.

Why are you staring, Bob?

Hey, Teddy? I… I-I want to say something.

I guess maybe I thought you were lonely, but you’re really not, at all.

You make friends wherever you go, and you’re so interested in people, all the time.

I, um, am never interested in people.

I-I don’t like people… that much.

Not you guys, though. You-you seem great.

But I don’t really like that about myself, and I guess I really admire that about you.

Oh, thanks. And hey, don’t beat yourself up, Bob.

You are like that, kind of, with the six people you already know.

But yeah, maybe you could branch out a bit.

I’ll try. Thank you again, Connie.

It’s Bonnie.

Right. Sorry.

TEDDY: Hey, Bob, hear me out.

Before we drop off Big Dummy, do you want to try the best beef jerky

you’ll ever have in your life?

That actually sounds great.

Yes! It’s just up ahead.

Now, the guy who runs this place… real character…

He has a hook for a hand.

Don’t stare at it, okay?


Just kidding. He loves to talk about it.

He used to juggle chain saws, but that’s not how he lost his hand.

What? Really?

Yeah, that’s how he lost his foot.

(wind whistling)

Window, Bob.

On it.

(tune of Foghat’s “Slow Ride”): ♪ Hitting the road ♪

♪ With a Big Dummy head ♪

♪ Gonna pick up a sink ♪

♪ Yeah, that’s what I said ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Da, na, ba-duh, ba-duh ♪

♪ Take it easy ♪

♪ Da, na, ba-duh, ba-duh ♪

♪ Boy ride ♪

♪ Da, na, ba-duh, ba-duh ♪

♪ Take it easy… ♪

Come on, get into to it, Bobby!

(Teddy whoops)

♪ Boy ride… ♪


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