Wonka (2023) | Transcript

The 2023 film Wonka takes audiences on a fantastical journey into the early life of Willy Wonka, the eccentric chocolatier we all know from Roald Dahl’s classic children’s tale. It is a prequel to the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

The film opens in a world far from the chocolate rivers and Oompa Loompas. We meet a young Willy Wonka (Timothée Chalamet) living a humble life with his inventor father (Colin Firth) in a small town. Willy’s imagination, however, knows no bounds. He’s constantly concocting wondrous inventions and dreaming of creating magical confections.

Willy’s world crumbles when tragedy strikes his family, forcing him to leave his home and embark on a journey to the bustling city of Scuttleburgh. There, he faces poverty and hardship, but his passion for chocolate never wavers. He even finds a friend in the resourceful and street-smart Noodle (Calah Lane).

A stroke of luck lands Willy a job at Mr. Scrump’s chocolate factory. This gloomy, industrial place is a far cry from Willy’s vision. However, it’s here that he learns the basics of chocolate-making and starts to experiment with his own unique flavors and creations.

Willy’s talent and imagination soon draw the attention of Mr. Bucket (Hugh Grant), a rival chocolatier. Mr. Bucket sees potential in Willy and becomes his mentor, providing him with resources and encouragement to follow his dreams.

Guided by Mr. Bucket and fueled by his own boundless creativity, Willy sets out to create his own chocolate heaven. He hatches a plan to build a magnificent factory unlike any other, filled with fantastical machines, innovative sweets, and singing Oompa Loompas.

The film culminates in the opening of Willy Wonka’s factory, a joyous celebration of Willy’s genius and dedication. Through his journey, Willy not only creates a world of wonder but also learns valuable lessons about friendship, perseverance, and the power of believing in one’s dreams.

Wonka (2023) is a delightful origin story that offers a fresh perspective on a beloved character. It’s a heartwarming tale of hope, imagination, and the magic of chocolate, sure to captivate audiences of all ages.

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[melodic whistling]

[Willy singing]

♪ After seven years Of life upon the ocean ♪

♪ It is time to bid The seven seas farewell ♪

♪ And the city I’ve pinned Seven years of hopes on ♪

♪ Lies just over the horizon ♪

♪ I can hear the harbor bell ♪

[bell dinging]

Land ahoy!

[ship horn blowing]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Got a tattered overcoat And battered suitcase ♪

Au revoir, Chef.

♪ Got a pair of leaky boots Upon my ♪

♪ Feet

Sorry, Cook!

♪ Gotta drag myself up ♪

♪ By my one good bootlace ♪

♪ Gotta work My rotten socks off ♪

♪ If I want to make ends meet ♪

♪ I’ve poured everything I’ve got into my chocolate ♪

♪ Now it’s time To show the world my recipes ♪

Good luck, Willy!

♪ I’ve got 12 silver sovereigns ♪

♪ In my pocket ♪

Goodbye, Cook!

♪ And a hatful of dreams

[upbeat music continues]

♪ There’s a famous restaurant On every street here ♪

♪ There’s Brandino’s And the bar Parisienne ♪

Restaurant map, sir?

Thank you.

♪ Got a little map to tell me Where to eat here ♪

♪ Had a dozen Silver sovereigns ♪

♪ Now I’m somehow down to ten ♪

♪ Want the finest produce? ♪

♪ This is where They stock it ♪

[tram bell dinging]

That’s three sovereigns, mate.

♪ Though the prices Are suspiciously extreme ♪

Break my pumpkin, you pay for it.

♪ I’ve got… ♪

Five, six, seven…

[brushing]

[Willy sighs, tuts]

♪ Six silver sovereigns In my pocket ♪

♪ And a hatful of dreams ♪

[boy] Brush your coat, sir?

[Willy] No, thank you.

[boy] Cologne?

[Willy] No. Leave me alone.

♪ At last ♪

♪ The Galeries Gourmet ♪

♪ I knew that We’d see it one day ♪

It’s everything you said, Mamma.

♪ And oh, so much more ♪

♪ Each way that you turn, Another famous Chocolate store ♪

♪ Here’s my destiny ♪

♪ I just need to unlock it ♪

♪ Will I crash and burn ♪

♪ Or go up like a rocket? ♪

♪ I got nothing to offer ♪

♪ But my chocolate ♪

[bell dings]

♪ And a hatful ♪

♪ Of dreams ♪

Yeah!

[upbeat music continues]

[music tempo softens]

[officer] No daydreaming.

♪ In this city, Anyone can be successful ♪

♪ If they’ve talent And work hard, or so they say ♪

♪ But they didn’t mention It would be so stressful ♪

♪ Just to make A dozen silver sovereigns ♪

♪ Last more than a day ♪

[baby crying]

Could you spare a sovereign for a place to sleep, love?

Of course.

Here. Take all you need.

Thank you.

♪ I’ve got one silver sovereign In my pocket ♪

[sighs]

♪ And a hatful of dreams ♪

[melodic whistling]

[music fading out]

[whistling fades out]

[blowing]

Hmm.

There we go.

Time for a little nightcap.

Mm.

[dog growling]

Okay.

Hello there. No, stop. Hey, shoo.

Go away, stop!

Go away, shoo! Shoo!

[man] Stop!

[dog stops growling]

Sit.

[dog whines]

Sorry about Tiddles.

Seems to have an unusual interest in your legs. [chuckles]

Must be these pants.

I got them from a mailman in Minsk.

[chuckles] That would be it.

Tiddles would spend all day pursuing postal workers if he could.

Wouldn’t you, boy?

[dog barks]

[man chuckles]

You’re not planning on sleeping there, are you, son?

Oh, it’s just for a night.

By this time tomorrow, I plan to have made my fortune.

By this time tomorrow, you’ll be frozen solid.

Oh, don’t be ridiculous.

Ooh.

Perhaps it is a little cold for camping.

But unfortunately, I’m not in a position to pay for a room, sir.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

Mmm.

But as luck would have it, I know someone who might be able to help you out.

Really?

[Tiddles barks]

Here we are, Mr. Wonka.

Home sweet home.

[Tiddles barking]

[woman] Get your filthy paws off my front door,

you mangy mutt.

[man chuckles]

[Tiddles whining]

[woman] If that’s you, Bleacher,

you’d better have my gin.

Oh, I have something better than gin, Mrs. Scrubitt.

A guest.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Hmm.

Oh! Well, why didn’t you say? [snorts]

[door unlocks]

Come on in, sir.

Welcome to Scrubitt and Bleacher’s Guest House and Laundry.

Make yourself at home, warm your cockles by the fire.

Gin?

[man] Oh.

Noodle!

[Noodle] Yes, Mrs. Scrubitt?

Put that book down and get our guest a glass o’ gin.

Poor man’s frozen half to death.

Thank you, Mrs. Scrubitt.

You and your husband have been so kind to me.

Husband?

Him? [laughs]

[chuckles] Husband.

Oh, you’d love that, wouldn’t ya?

No.

Oh, I’m holding out for someone

far superior to that idle peasant.

[Bleacher groans softly]

Chinchin.

[coughs] That is extremely strong stuff.

Yeah, you can run cars on that.

So, what is it I can do for you? Room, is it?

Well, yes, but, uh…

Mr. Wonka is temporarily embarrassed.

[gasps] Oh, no. You don’t say.

[Willy] I’m afraid that’s true, Mrs. Scrubitt.

But… all that’s about to change.

Oh, yeah?

You see, I’m something of a magician, inventor and chocolate maker.

And first thing tomorrow at the Galeries Gourmet, I plan to unveil my most astonishing creation yet.

Oh?

Prepare to be amazed as I present to you…

A teapot?

No, that’s just for making tea.

[sighs]

One second.

That’s for my stew.

[laughs]

It’s in here somewhere. [chuckles]

Don’t you worry, Mr. Wonka. I can see you’re a man of great ingenuity.

And we’ve got just the thing for ya.

The entrepreneurial package.

Now, the room is one sovereign a night, but you don’t have to pay till 6:00 tomorrow.

Does that give you enough time to earn a few pennies?

More than enough, Mrs. Scrubitt.

Thank you.

Oh, it’s the least I can do for a stranger in need.

Now, sign here and we’re all done.

[chuckles politely]

All righty.

[whispers] Read the small print.

What?

Thank you, Noodle. That’ll do.

[gasps]

Ooh. What’d she say?

Who’s that, then?

The girl.

What girl?

That girl. It sounded like, “Read the small print.” And there does seem to be a lot of…

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Just keeps on coming.

Yeah, you don’t wanna listen to Noodle, Mr. Wonka.

She’s damaged.

Damaged?

Orphan Syndrome.

Orphan Syndrome?

Orphan Syndrome.

Orphan Syndrome.

She was dropped down the laundry chute as a bab, and I took her in out the goodness of my heart, and I’ve done my best, Mr. Wonka, honest, I have, but she’s been left with a suspicious nature.

She sees conspiracy everywhere.

Poor girl.

I know.

These are just your standard Ts and Cs, but you’re welcome to take a look if you want. [chuckles]

I’ll just give it a once-over.

[chuckles dryly]

[Willy reading softly]

Well, that all seems to be in order.

Really?

Uhhuh.

Hello. [chuckles]

Ah! [chuckles]

Then welcome to Scrubitt’s.

[dings]

There you are, Mr. Wonka. The entrepreneurial suite.

There’s your four-poster, and your sink plus soap, and there’s a little mint on your pillow.

[Willy] Fantastic.

What kind people.

[growls quietly]

[singsonging] Noodle!

Oh, Noodle!

[Noodle] Yes, Mrs. Scrubitt?

[Mrs. Scrubitt, in normal tone] I’ve been lookin’ for you.

[Noodle] What do you want?

I wanna teach you a lesson, you miserable little bookworm.

What did I do wrong?

You know what you did, you brat.

Stop squirming!

What? No, please.

[Noodle shrieks]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] You ever interfere in my business again, and you’ll be in this coop all week. Do you understand?

Yes, Mrs. Scrubitt. Sorry, Mrs. Scrubitt.

I should think so, too.

[door slams shut]

[wind whistling]

[dog barks in distance]

[Willy] Here we go, Mamma.

[loudly] Ladies and gentlemen of the Galeries Gourmet, my name is Willy Wonka, and I have come to show you a marvelous morsel, an incredible edible, [dramatically] an unbeatable eatable, the likes of which this world has never seen.

So quiet up and listen down.

No, scratch that, reverse it.

I give to you the Hoverchoc.

[crowd gasping]

[plays flute]

♪ In a ♪

♪ Jungle near Mumbai

[crowd gasps]

[fancy music playing]

♪ There’s a little hoverfly ♪

♪ Whose wings go At a thousand flaps a sec ♪

♪ And that’s no lie ♪

♪ These microscopic fleas ♪

♪ Like chocolate More than leaves ♪

♪ And when asked nicely, Lay precisely ♪

♪ One little egg In each of these ♪

[crowd gasps]

♪ When it hatches From its shell ♪

♪ It gives a happy yell Whoohoo! ♪

♪ How thrilling to be living In a chocolate hotel ♪

♪ It beats its wings with glee And then, as you will see ♪

♪ The chocolate will levitate ♪

♪ And float most gracefully ♪

[crowd gasping, laughing]

[gasps]

♪ Well, there’s chocolate ♪

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

♪ But only Wonka’s Makes your eyes ♪

♪ Pop out their sockelets ♪

♪ Put your hand Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself Some Wonka chocolate ♪

♪ Come now I insist ♪

♪ You’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

♪ No, you’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

[music ends]

[applause]

[man] Bravo!

[crowd laughs in delight]

[man 2] Bravo!

[Willy] Thank you.

Miss BonBon?

Yes, Mr. Slugworth.

Call the police.

[Miss BonBon] Very good, sir.

[chuckles] Well, who wants to try one?

[man] Me, please!

[Slugworth] I will.

[crowd gasps, murmurs]

Mr. Slugworth, sir.

[man 2] ‘Scuse me.

[Willy] Mr. Fickelgruber.

[babbles]

And Mr. Prodnose.

What an honor.

Ever since I was a little boy…

[bones crunching]

That is quite a handshake.

It’s a business handshake, Mr. Wonka.

Lets people know I mean business.

Huh…

Now, come along.

Let’s try one of these socalled Hoverchocs.

[Slugworth inhales]

[exhales]

Ooh.

It’s not just chocolate, is it?

There’s… marshmallow.

[Willy] That’s right.

Harvested from the mallow marshes of Peru.

[Fickelgruber] And caramel.

But… but it’s…

[Willy] Salted.

With the bittersweet tears of a Russian clown.

[crowd murmurs]

[Prodnose] And is that…

Surely not?

Cherry?

[Willy] Cherrypicked by the pick of the cherry pickers from the Imperial Gardens in Japan.

[crowd murmurs]

Well, Mr. Wonka.

I’ve been in this business a very long time, and I can safely say that of all the chocolate I have ever tasted, this is without doubt the absolute 100% worst.

[crowd gasping]

Whoo!

There we have it, ladies and gentlemen.

An endorsement from Mr…

Wait. The worst?

We three are the fiercest of rivals, and yet we agree on one thing.

A good chocolate should be simple.

Plain. Uncomplicated.

Whereas this, with all its bells and whistles…

[chuckles] Well, it’s just…

Weird.

[tuts] That’s a shame.

[grunts softly]

If you thought the chocolate was weird, you’re gonna hate what happens next.

[crowd gasping]

Hmm?

What’s happening? Whoa, what’s going on?

[Willy] That’s the hoverfly. [Fickelgruber whimpering]

[Willy] It’s broken out of its cocoon.

It’s flapping its wings like billyoh.

[screams]

[crowd gasping]

[Prodnose] My hair! You mean a fly is doing this?

[Willy] Yes. But don’t worry.

It’ll be completely unharmed.

Oh, thank you.

In about 20 minutes, it’ll get tired and exit through your rear.

You what?

He means we’re going to fart them out of our botties!

Yes, I know what he meant.

You’re off your rocker, Wonka!

Who in their right mind wants a chocolate that makes you fly?

[Willy] Well, let’s find out, shall we?

Who’s for a Hoverchoc?

[crowd shouting excitedly]

[man] I want one!

[Willy] One sovereign, please. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[Willy] One sovereign. Thank you, madam.

Enjoy your flight.

[gasping]

[laughing]

[woman] Look, I’m flying! I’m flying!

[man 1] How’s the view up there?

[man 2] Not too high, darling!

[whistle blows]

[officer] Beat it, kid.

All right, folks. Nothin’ to see here.

Just a small group of people defyin’ the laws of gravity.

Yeah.

Hook ’em, boys.

[Willy] That’s the Hoverchoc, sir. That’s the point.

[officer 2] I’m afraid we’ve had some complaints about you, sir.

[Willy] Complaints?

That you’re disrupting the trade of other businesses.

I’m regrettably obliged to move you on and to confiscate your earnings.

[coins rattle]

[Willy] Hey! What are you doing?

[nun] No!

[officer] Don’t worry, it’s going to a good cause.

[nun] Get off.

Sick kids, or something.

Sorry, sir. Rules is rules.

[officer 3] Cheeky devil, you! Come here!

Could you at least leave me a sovereign?

I need to pay for my room.

Here.

[coins rattling]

Thank you.

[dog barks in distance]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Evening, Mr. Wonka.

How’d it go?

Not quite as well as I’d hoped.

Oh, shame. Well, I’m afraid we do have to settle up now.

Well, thankfully, the room’s taken care of.

Believe we said a sovereign.

For the room, yes.

But you have incurred a few extras during the course of your residency with ourselves.

Have I?

Yes, you have.

There was that glass of gin you had on arrival, and if I remember rightly, you warmed your cockles by the fire.

He did indeed, Mrs. Scrubitt.

[door shuts, locks]

Cocklewarming is extra, see?

Used the stairs to get to his room, and all.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Oh, then you’ve got your stair charge, and that is per step, I’m afraid. Up and down.

Now, tell me, Mr. Wonka, did you happen to use the mini bar?

There’s a minibar?

Mini bar of soap.

By the sink.

Uh… I might have, briefly.

Ohho!

See? Even Bleacher knows you never touch the mini bar, and he was raised in a ditch. [snorts]

Add in your mattress hire, your linen lease, and your pillow penalty, and you are looking at…

[door shuts]

Ten thousand sovereigns.

You gotta be kidding me? [scoffs]

It’s all in the small print, dearie.

I don’t have 10,000 sovereigns.

[door shuts, locks]

Then we have a problem, Mr. Wonka.

You’re gonna have to work it off in the Wash House, ain’t ya?

[Tiddles barking]

At a sovereign a day.

Ten thousand days is…

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Twenty-seven years.

Hey!

[Bleacher] Four months.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] And 16 days.

[Mrs. Scrubitt chuckles]

[Willy screaming]

[grunts]

[gasping]

[Abacus] Ah.

[Abacus] You must be Mr. Wonka.

Who are you?

Abacus Crunch, chartered accountant.

At least, I was.

Now, uh…

He runs the place.

And you best do as he says, or you’ll answer to me.

Piper Benz. Plumber by trade.

[Abacus] This is Miss Lottie Bell.

[quietly] Hi.

She don’t talk much.

[dramatically] And I’m Larry Chucklesworth!

Comedian.

[Abacus] Hmm.

So they got all of you, too, did they?

[Abacus] I’m afraid so.

We each of us found ourselves in need of a cheap place to stay, and neglected to read the small print.

One moment of stupidity, followed by endless regret.

Sounds like my third marriage. [laughs]

I’m sorry, I do that a lot.

He does.

A lot.

[Larry] I’ve only been married once, and it didn’t work out.

[Willy] There’s gotta be some way outta here.

[Piper] You don’t think we’ve tried?

There are bars on the window and there’s a dog on the door.

[Abacus] And even if you could get out, that contract is watertight.

[Piper] If you’re not here at roll call, Mrs. Scrubitt will call the police, they’ll bring you right back, and she’ll charge you a thousand for the inconvenience.

[barks]

[yelps]

[Abacus] All right, everybody. Back to work.

[barks]

Come along, Mr. Wonka.

[barks]

You come with me. [sighs]

You’re in here. On suds.

Whoa.

♪ First, you pick up The apparel ♪

♪ And you stick it In a barrel ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

♪ Then you take It to the mangle And you turn a giant handle ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

[grunting]

♪ Then it’s hung up really high Until it’s nearly dry ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

[steam hissing]

♪ But when we sing this song The day don’t seem so long ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

It’s still long, though.

[bell dings]

[barks]

♪ Gotta press out All the creases ♪

♪ From the dresses And chemises ♪

♪ Rub, rub ♪

♪ Gotta fold ’em Like they told us ♪

♪ Or they’ll scold us ♪

♪ And withhold our grub, grub ♪

[blows whistle]

♪ We all signed the dotted line So we gotta do our time ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

[music tempo slows]

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

And if you don’t agree…

See clause five.

Section 7A.

Paragraph 22.

Part D.

Which says…

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

[whimsical music resumes]

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub

[music ends]

[water dripping]

[floorboard creaking]

[light buzzing]

[dog barking outside]

[sighs]

[knock at door]

[Noodle] Room service.

Told you to read the small print.

Slight problem with that.

You can’t read, can you?

I focused my studies almost exclusively on chocolate.

I see.

For everything else, I’ve relied on the kindness of strangers.

[scoffs] And look where that’s got you. The staff quarters.

You’ve got a bed.

[shouts]

You had a bed.

Desk, and a wash basin/toilet.

Ugh.

The water comes in two temperatures. Cold…

[faucet squeaks]

…and colder.

How much do you owe them?

Ten thousand.

Count yourself lucky. I owe 30.

What? How do you owe them money?

I thought they found you down a laundry chute.

Oh, they did.

Took me in out of the goodness of their hearts and charged me for the privilege.

What a pair of monsters.

The greedy beat the needy every time, Mr. Wonka.

Guess it’s just the way of the world.

[Willy] Oh, come on, Noodle.

That’s just your Orphan Syndrome talking.

My what?

Your Orphan Syndrome.

And we are not gonna be eating any slops.

What are you doing?

I’m making chocolate, o’ course.

How do you like it? Dark?

White? Nutty? Absolutely insane?

I don’t know.

I’ve never had any.

[gibbers] You’ve never had chocolate?

No.

[shouts] What?

You’ve never had chocolate?

Still no.

Well, this is unbelievable. I mean, this is outrageous.

Well, lucky for you, Noodle, I have a selection of the world’s finest ingredients right here in my travel factory.

[gentle music playing]

Whoa.

Where to begin? That’s the question.

I know!

Silver Linings.

Made of condensed thunder clouds and liquid sunlight.

[sniffs] Helps you see that faint ray o’ hope beyond the shadow of despair.

Just what we need, wouldn’t you say?

[chuckles softly]

Did you always wanna make chocolate?

[Willy] No. [chuckles]

Back when I was your age, I wanted to be a magician.

My mom was a cook.

We lived on the river, just the two of us.

In a perfect little world of our own.

The way I remember it, I used to spend every waking hour trying to come up with some new trick to impress my mom.

Bravo!

[Willy] But the real magic came from her.

We didn’t have a lotta money, but each week, she brought home one cocoa bean.

And by the time my birthday came around, there was enough to make a single bar o’ chocolate.

But it wasn’t just any old chocolate.

Far from it.

This has to be the best chocolate in the world.

[Mamma] Oh, don’t know about that.

They say the very best comes from a place called the Galeries Gourmet.

Theirs can’t be any better than yours, Mamma.

It’s impossible.

Well, as it so happens, I do know a little secret that even those fancypants don’t.

What is it?

I’ll tell ya.

When you’re older. Now get to sleep. [chuckles]

[exhales]

We should go, Amma.

Where’s that, then?

To the Galeries Gourmet.

What?

And start a shop?

Yeah.

With our name above the door and everything.

That’s a wonderful dream, honey.

Is that all it is?

Just a dream?

Hey now.

Every good thing in this world started with a dream.

So you hold on to yours.

And when you do share chocolate with the world, oh, I’ll be right there beside ya.

Promise?

Do better than that.

[chuckles] I pinkie promise.

Now,

sleep.

[Noodle] So, what was it, Willy?

What was the secret?

[Willy] I never found out.

Soon after, she fell sick.

And before I knew it, all I had left was her bar of chocolate.

That’s why I’m here, Noodle.

So I can feel the same way I did back then, eating chocolate with her.

What do you mean?

My mom once promised that when I share chocolate with the world, she’d be right there beside me.

[machine clicking]

I know it sounds crazy, but I always hoped she’d somehow keep that promise.

She might even tell me her secret.

[bell dings]

[both chuckle]

Here. Try one.

Wish you hadn’t done that.

You don’t like it?

No,

I like it. It’s just…

What?

Now each day I don’t have chocolate will be a little harder.

Then how would you like to have all the chocolate you can eat, every day, for the rest of your life?

A lifetime supply?

A lifetime supply.

What would I have to do?

Not much. Just get me out of here.

[gasps] Are you crazy?

Shh!

It’s easy. I’ll get someone to cover my shift, and you could smuggle me out in your laundry cart.

But I…

Just for a few hours, mind.

No one will even know I was gone.

What’s the point of that?

To sell chocolate, o’ course! We’ll split the profits and pay off Mrs. Scrubitt in no time.

It’s a nice idea, Willy.

It’s a great idea.

But it’ll never work.

‘Course it will. Eat your chocolate.

[Noodle] You don’t understand.

Mrs. Scrubitt’s like a hawk. She keeps her beady eye on everything that comes in and out of the Wash House except…

Huh.

What is it?

No, it’s nothing.

Oh, okay.

Huh.

Double huh! That’s not nothing.

That’s the Silver Lining. It’s given you an idea.

Okay. So, the one time she dropped her guard was when this aristocrat came to the laundry.

He was only asking for directions, but she was all over him like a rash.

It was disgusting.

That’s it, Noodle.

All we have to do is find an aristocrat and slip out while she’s distracted.

Yeah, but… where are we going to find an aristocrat?

[ding]

Huh.

Huh?

Huh.

A double huh.

Do you have a pencil and paper?

Uhhuh.

I got an idea.

[distant singing]

[soft music playing]

[male choir singing]

[knocks along to song]

[lock clicks]

I’ve come to make a confession.

[singing continues]

You sound great, fellas. Keep it up.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have had 150 of these since my last confession.

Temptation is very hard to resist.

Mmm.

[chief] Send me down.

[whirring]

I’ll see you later.

[elevator dings]

[woman] Good evening, Chief.

They’re all waiting.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, gentlemen. I’ve brought my invoice.

One chocolatier moved on for the usual fee.

Oh. [chuckles]

Here we go, baby.

There’s the good stuff. Yeah.

[Slugworth] Tell me, Chief…

[chief] Mmhmm?

…how would you like to earn a few more of those?

Oh, I am listening.

[Slugworth] We think that Mr. Wonka might require a little more than simply moving on.

Oh.

[Slugworth] He’s good.

Too good.

And what’s more, he only charges a sovereign a chocolate.

So anyone can afford them, even the…

You know, the…

The poor?

[gags] Oh, dear.

I’ve just been a little bit sick in my mouth.

Could you please refrain from mentioning that demographic in my presence?

He doesn’t like it when people say “poor.”

[gags]

[Prodnose] Sorry, Felix.

We want you to send Wonka a message.

Backed up by physical force.

That if he attempts to sell chocolate in this town again, he is liable to meet with a little accident.

In which he dies.

Yeah, no, I… I got that already.

You don’t have to keep saying it.

I’m just making sure we’re all on the same page.

Well, no one’s on your page.

What’s that supposed to mean? Well, I know what it means…

Actually, what does it mean?

[Slugworth] Gentlemen, please.

So, what do you say, Chief?

Do we have a deal?

Well, listen, fellas, I’m an officer of the law.

I can’t just go around roughin’ up your competition.

I’m sorry.

Well now, Chief.

[jazzy dance music playing]

[taps along to music]

I can see that you’re a man of integrity.

[shakes along to music]

Thank you.

But ask yourself this…

♪ Have you got a sweet tooth? ♪

♪ I do ♪

♪ A hunger That you have to feed? ♪

♪ Have you got a sweet tooth? ♪

♪ I do ♪

♪ Well, we’ve got Everything you need ♪

[chief] Mmm.

♪ Don’t give me That conscience nonsense ♪

♪ It’s simply ♪

♪ Quid pro quo ♪

♪ So, a hundred Of your favorites ♪

♪ Sorry, I’m afraid it’s no ♪

Promised the wife I’d cut down on chocolate.

You know, I gotta get in shape for the Policeman’s Ball, so… [chuckles]

♪ But think about Your sweet tooth ♪

♪ I do ♪

♪ I’ve had it since I was a boy ♪

♪ Your naughty Little sweet tooth ♪

♪ It’s true ♪

♪ The only thing That brings you joy ♪

♪ Don’t look At your waistline ♪

♪ It’s fine!

♪ Come on!

♪ Who needs To see their toes? ♪

♪ So ♪

♪ Seven hundred boxes ♪

[chief whistles]

♪ That’s a lot Of chocolates… ♪

[Slugworth] ♪ Mmhmm

No!

[jazzy music continues]

Gentlemen, let’s give it the big sell.

[chief grunts]

[music building]

♪ Have you got a sweet tooth? ♪

♪ Me, too ♪

♪ Fellas… ♪

♪ Have you got The hots for chocs? ♪

I do, really. Yeah.

♪ Do you think that candy’s ♪

♪ Dandy? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Well, we’ve got lots and lots And lots and lots ♪

♪ And lots and lots ♪

♪ Why am I singing? ♪

♪ If the wife’s complaining ♪

♪ Bodyshaming ♪

♪ It’s amazing What a tailor can conceal ♪

♪ Keep your wretched Chocolates ♪

♪ Eighteenhundred boxes? ♪

♪ Oh, deal ♪

[music ends]

[bones crunch]

[chief groans]

[blows whistle]

[sniffs]

Bell.

[barks]

[Lottie, softly] Here.

Benz.

[Tiddles barks]

[Piper] Mm.

Chucklesworth.

[Tiddles barks]

[groans]

Crunch.

Here.

[Bleacher] Wonka.

[Tiddles growls]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Bleacher!

Toilet’s blocked again.

[groans]

Oh, wow.

The unmistakable sound of love.

You what?

Don’t tell me you hadn’t noticed.

What?

She’s madly in love with you.

Mrs. Scrubitt?

[Willy] Besotted.

And why not? Look at you.

Fine figure of a man.

You just need to tidy yourself up a little bit.

Get some new clothes.

Have a bath.

A bath?

You do know what they say, right?

What do they say?

She’ll be thankful for an ankle.

Yes.

And pleased to see your knees.

Right.

But if you wanna make her sigh…

Tell me.

Show her some thigh.

[chuckling]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Bleacher!

It’s overflowing now.

[water flowing]

Get in there. Back to work.

All right.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] It’s up to me ankles!

[Tiddles barks]

Timewaster.

[door closes]

Bleacher!

Curse that idle peasant.

What you got there?

[gasps]

Nothing.

Do you like that coop, Noodle?

All right.

I was collecting laundry from Professor Monocle the other day.

Yeah.

He’s writing a book about the Bavarian Royal Family.

Boring.

He’s got sketches of noblemen all over his wall.

So?

This one looked rather familiar.

Oh.

Blow me. That looks exactly like…

Mr. Bleacher.

Are you telling me Bleacher is a Bavarian aristocrat?

Uhhuh.

[scoffs]

Go and get my gin.

♪ First, You pick up the apparel ♪

♪ Then you stick it In a barrel ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

♪ Then you put it Through the mangle ♪

[straining] ♪ Making sure You don’t get strangled ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

[yelps]

Whoa!

♪ Oh, Tiddles, Here’s your chance ♪

[woofs]

♪ To chew my mailman pants! ♪

[barks rhythmically]

[panting]

♪ Something must be going on ♪

♪ ‘Cause we never Change our song ♪

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

Oh, so you finally managed to drag your lazy…

[romantic music plays]

Have you done something with your hair?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

[leather squeaking]

Where’d you get them dungarees?

[door opens]

[Bleacher] Lost property.

Why,

do they suit me?

[leather squeaking]

Yeah.

Not bad, I suppose.

What’re you doing all the way over there?

[fire crackling]

Keeping my knees warm.

Well, why don’t you come over here and have a glass o’ gin?

Why don’t you come over here, where it’s all hot?

[screams] Whoa!

[exclaims] Oh! Oh, my Lord.

[both chuckle]

[whimsical music resumes]

[Willy] Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a brand new contraption of my creation, an innovation in laundrification.

♪ Scrub, scrub

Let me ask you a question, how does Tiddles wanna spend all his time?

Chasing after mailmen.

[Tiddles barks]

And what do I have to do all day, fellow scrubbers, please?

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

But now, with Willy Wonka’s Wild and Wonderful Wishywashy Wonka Walker, please don’t make me say that again,

Tiddles gets to run and I can have fun.

♪ Scrub, scrub ♪

Just popping out for a bit.

I’ll be back before roll call.

Until then, Tiddles has agreed to…

♪ Scrub, scrub

[whimsical music continues]

So, tell me all about Bavaria.

Where?

Where you’re from.

Oh, yes. It’s very…

[bell dings]

…Bavarian.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Oh, whoo.

[music ends]

All clear.

Really?

Yeah.

We did it! Well done, Noodle.

I can’t believe it worked.

Wait till you see how much chocolate I made last night.

We sell this, and we’re gonna be…

Oh, no.

What’s going on, Willy?

Not again.

Where are the chocolates?

I don’t know how to tell you this, Noodle, but… they’ve been stolen.

Stolen?

Mmhmm.

Who by?

The Little Orange Man.

What?

The Little Orange Man. I didn’t tell you about him?

No, ya didn’t.

He’s my nemesis. About yea high.

Comes in the dead of the night, and he steals all my chocolate.

Been happening every few weeks for the past three, four years now.

Really?

Sometimes I spy him in that strange realm ‘twixt sleep and wake, green hair glinting in the moonlight.

Green hair?

One day I shall catch him, Noodle.

Willy.

When I do…

Willy!

Hmm?

You don’t seriously expect me to believe this, do you?

Of course, I do. What other explanation is there?

I don’t know, that you go to sleep…

Mmhmm.

…dream ’bout Little Green Man…

Orange man, green hair. Yeah.

…and while you’re dreaming, stuff your face with chocolate!

Stuff my…

That makes a lot more sense.

Why’d I ever think this would work?

[Willy] I’ve been eating all my own chocolate?

Stupid Silver Linings.

I don’t think I have been.

Hey!

There’s nothing stupid about my chocolate.

[sighs] If Mrs. Scrubitt had spotted us, I’d be in the coop right now.

Look, I’m sorry, okay?

But we can make more chocolate.

Only problem is I’m all out of milk.

Well, that’s not a problem.

[sighs] Milk.

A, that is stealing.

And C,

Willy Wonka does not use any old cow’s milk.

For this particular creation, I require the milk of a giraffe.

Okay… fine.

As a matter of fact, there’s one at the zoo.

Bingala!

But A, the zoo is not that way.

Great.

And B,

they’re not gonna let you just walk in there and milk it.

Mm. That, my dear Noodle, is why we’re very lucky the Little Orange Man didn’t find this.

What is it?

[Noodle] From Zoo Management.

In recognition of your years of service.

But I’ve only been here a year.

Which is why there’s only one chocolate.

Huh.

Well, thank you very much.

[Noodle] You’re welcome. Good night!

[whispers] Hey, well done, Noodle.

So, what is it really?

It’s called A Big Night Out.

A single chocolate that perfectly mimics a night on the town.

[guard] Mmm.

The outer layer, a champagne truffle.

[guard] That’s lovely.

[Willy] The next is white wine.

[guard] Mmm. [grunts]

[Willy] Followed by red.

[guard] Now we are talking!

[Willy] That’s when the singing and dancing starts.

[guard singing] ♪ We’re gonna Have a party tonight! ♪

It’s when he hits the layer o’ whiskey fudge he’ll get emotional.

[guard sobbing] She was the only woman I ever loved!

He might do something reckless.

[guard] I’ll give her a call.

What harm could it do? [clears throat]

Hello, Gwennie? It’s Basil.

I just wanted to say, I’ve always loved you.

I love you so much. What?

It’s Basil Bond.

We sat together in chemistry at school.

No, no, don’t hang up!

Finally, some old port from the back of the cupboard, and…

[guard groans, snores]

[Willy] Hmm.

[smacks lips] Let’s go.

Noodle, let’s go.

[flamingo honks]

[Noodle] Why don’t they fly away?

[Willy] I don’t know. Perhaps they haven’t thought of it.

[Noodle] You’re kidding?

[Willy] No, I’m serious.

That’s the thing about flamingos.

They need someone to show ’em the way.

[Noodle] Huh.

[animal moans]

[Willy, softly] Giraffe.

Giraffe. Giraffe.

Ah! Giraffe.

[growling]

[screams]

[door bangs]

You have got to learn how to read.

Why?

You were nearly eaten by a tiger.

“Nearly” is the key word there, Noodle.

I’ve nearly been eaten by a lot of things, and none of them got more than a nibble.

[groans]

Giraffe.

Okay, I’ll learn how to read.

[door creaks]

[gasps]

[Willy] Good evening, Miss, um…

[Noodle] Abigail.

[Willy] Abigail.

[Abigail snorts]

[Willy] Whoa! Easy, now.

I brought acacia mints.

[sniffing]

Oh.

Giraffes are just crazy about my acacia mints.

Love ’em more than anything else.

Except being scratched under the chin, you see?

[snuffling]

[Willy] You wanna give it a go, Noodle?

[Noodle] Me?

[Willy] Yeah. Why not?

[Noodle] Okay.

[both chuckling]

Ugh!

[Willy] Oh!

[Willy chuckles] Think she likes you.

Miss Abigail, if my colleague here gives you a good scratch, do you think you could possibly spare us a pint or two of your milk?

[Noodle] So, have you done this before?

[Willy] Once. In Africa.

[milk squirting]

Magnificent beast.

[Noodle] Was she wild?

[Willy] Wild?

She was absolutely furious.

You sure can be silly, Willy.

I suppose that’s truedle, Noodle.

Truedle?

That doesn’t work, does it?

Nothing rhymes with Noodle.

Where’d you get that name, anyway?

Doesn’t matter.

No, go on.

[Noodle] This.

It’s all I have of my real parents. See?

“N” for Noodle. Or Nora, or Nina, or nothing at all.

Can’t you trace the owner?

You don’t think I’ve tried?

When I was a kid, I always hoped that I’d find my parents.

And they’d live in this beautiful old building full of books.

My mom, she’d be waiting there for me at the door, and I’d run into her arms.

She’d give me this big hug like she’d never let me go.

But then I realized it was just a stupid dream.

[tuts]

There’s nothing stupid about that.

[Noodle] Isn’t there?

[Willy] I know things haven’t been easy for you, Noodle.

But they’re gonna get better.

I’m not gonna let you rot in that Wash House forever.

You promise?

I can do better than that.

I pinkie promise.

And that’s the most solemn vow there is.

[chuckles softly]

Get scratchin’.

We don’t have long until that guard comes todle, Noodle.

Todle!

It’s not even a word!

Oh.

I’m gonna keep working on it.

[chuckles]

♪ For a moment ♪

[gentle music plays]

♪ Life doesn’t seem quite So bad ♪

♪ For a moment ♪

♪ I kinda forgot to be sad ♪

[chuckles]

♪ He turns night to day ♪

♪ But don’t get carried away ♪

♪ Never let down your guard ♪

♪ Let them into your heart For a moment ♪

♪ Not for a moment ♪

[Willy] I got it, Noodle! Listen to this.

♪ Noodle, Noodle, Apple strudel ♪

♪ Some people don’t ♪

♪ And some people doodle ♪

♪ Snakes, flamingos, Bears, and poodles ♪

♪ Singing this song Will improve your moodle ♪

[laughing]

♪ Noodledeedee ♪

♪ Noodledeedum ♪

[Noodle] Willy! [chuckles]

♪ We’re having oodles ♪

[laughing]

♪ And oodles of fun ♪

[both] Thanks, Abigail!

♪ For a moment

♪ Noodle, Noodle, Apple strudel ♪

♪ My life has turned Upside down ♪

♪ Some people don’t And some people doodle ♪

♪ For a moment ♪

♪ Snakes, flamingos ♪

♪ Bears and poodles ♪

♪ I can’t keep my feet ♪

♪ On the ground ♪

♪ Singing this song Will improve your moodle ♪

♪ He’s the one good thing ♪

♪ Noodledeedee ♪

♪ Noodledeedum ♪

♪ That’s ever happened to me ♪

♪ We’re having oodles ♪

♪ And oodles of fun ♪

[instrumental interlude]

[officer] Chief, you know that fella you wanted a word with?

[gentle music continues]

[Noodle] ♪ For a moment ♪

♪ Life doesn’t seem Quite so bad ♪

♪ And for a moment ♪

♪ I kinda forgot to be sad

[music fades out]

[siren ringing]

[vehicle approaching]

[chief] Mr. Wonka! A word in private, if I may.

Certainly, Officer.

Be on your way, Affable.

[officer] Are you sure, sir?

[chief] Oh, yeah. This is between me and Mr. Wonka.

[Willy] You better get outta here, Noodle.

But Willy…

Don’t worry about me.

I’ve talked my way out of tighter spots than this.

I’ll meet you back at the cart.

Now, Officer, if this is about Abigail…

I got a message for you, pal.

Whoa! No.

[muffled screaming]

Do not sell chocolate in this town!

[gasping]

You got it?

Not really, I’m afraid.

Oh, so you got a mouth on you, huh, Candy Man?

I said…

[muffled whimpering]

Don’t sell chocolate!

[gasps]

You hear me that time?

I have water in my ears.

Oh.

Yeah, that… You’ve…

Okay, that makes sense. Yeah.

Listen, I’m sorry.

I’m all outta whack.

Truth is, I don’t wanna be doin’ this.

I don’t want you to be doing this.

But I still gotta give ya a message.

Sell chocolate in this town again, you’re gonna get more than a bonk on the head.

I don’t have a bonk on the head.

[gasps, sighs]

What is with me today? I…

Can you give me just a second?

Sure.

[Mrs. Scrubitt laughing flirtily]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Lord Bleachowitz.

Mrs. Scrubitt. Your eyes are like two rabbit droppings in a couple of bowls of custard.

Oh! [chuckles]

You really do have a way with words. [laughing]

[Willy grunts] See you downstairs.

Geronimo!

[Abacus] Ah, Mr. Wonka.

Good of you to join us.

[sighs]

[pants] Not late, am I?

[Abacus] Well, no.

Cutting it a bit fine, but…

Has Tiddles been pulling his weight?

[Tiddles barks]

As a matter of fact, Tiddles has been a very good boy, and productivity is up 30%.

[barks]

[Larry] We took the afternoon off.

[Abacus] But that’s not the point.

This is the point.

Not now, Larry.

Sorry.

[Abacus] The point is…

Where have you been?

And why do you smell of giraffe?

Guess I owe you guys an explanation.

[Lottie] Mm. [Willy] The truth is, I’m a chocolate maker.

Not just any chocolate. The best in the world.

Ah, well, Noodle’s flattering me, but she’s right.

They’re exquisite.

Plan is to sell chocolate and pay off Mrs. Scrubitt.

At least, that was the plan, until…

Oh, let me guess.

You had a little runin with the Chief of Police?

How do you know that?

Because I was Slugworth’s accountant.

For a week, at least.

His regular bookkeeper was off sick.

Station, please.

[Abacus] And I was called halfway across the country to take his place.

Good evening, Mr. Slugworth.

I just need your signature on…

Seemed a straightforward job.

Oh.

Until I realized there were two sets of books.

One for the authorities, and one which told the truth.

Slugworth, Fickelgruber, and Prodnose have been in cahoots for years.

A sort of chocolate cartel, if you will.

They’ve been watering down their chocolate and storing the excess in a secret vault deep beneath the cathedral, guarded round the clock by a corrupt cleric and 500 chocoholic monks.

The only way in is down a secret elevator, and past the Mistress of the Keys.

[elevator dings]

A subterranean sentinel…

[grunting]

…who hasn’t seen sunlight in years.

[mistress of the keys] Good evening.

[Abacus] There’s thousands of gallons of chocolate down there, and the Cartel use it to bribe, blackmail, and bludgeon the competition.

[Slugworth] I do not care that they were school children…

[gasps]

…they were in our way. Next time, put your foot down.

Miss BonBon?

[Miss BonBon] Good morning, Mr. Slugworth.

From now on, I’ll be keeping the ledger in the vault.

[Miss BonBon] Very good, sir.

Oh, and Mr. Crunch?

Yes?

You’re fired.

Very good, sir.

[Abacus] I’m sorry, Mr. Wonka, but they’ve got you right where they want you.

You can’t get a shop without selling chocolate, and you can’t sell chocolate without a shop.

[dog barking]

[wind whistling]

[Willy, softly] Hey, Noodle!

Noodle! Psst!

[switch clicks]

[Noodle] What is it, Willy?

Watch out.

Whoa!

What’s this for?

Your wages. A lifetime supply, remember?

You didn’t have to do that.

Of course I did. I gave you my word.

Well, thanks.

I’ve got something for you, too.

For me?

What’s this?

Glass half full?

Other way up.

[Willy] Glass half empty.

It’s an “A.” Your first letter.

I’m teaching you to read.

Oh, Noodle.

Well, I can’t have my business partner eaten by a tiger.

Or nearly eaten.

So we’re still partners?

Sure, but I don’t know how we’re gonna sell any chocolate.

Every time the police show up, you’d have to vanish into thin air.

Like a magician.

[gasps] Right!

Yeah, but it’s one thing when you’re onstage.

You have ropes and pulleys and trapdoors.

There’s none of those on the street.

[Piper] As a matter of fact, there are.

There are trapdoors all over the city.

They’re called storm drains.

I’d be happy to show you around if you cut me in on the action.

[switch clicks]

[Larry] If you’re recruiting,

I’d do anything to get out of here and make up with my wife.

I don’t have any practical skills, but, [gurgling] I can talk like I’m underwater.

And if you need someone to handle communications, I’m your woman.

[Willy] Lottie?

What? Why you all staring at me?

I did not know she could speak.

I thought you were a mime.

[Lottie] No,

I actually used to work at the telephone exchange.

But back then, I was quite the chatterbox. [chuckles]

But since I came here, I haven’t had much to chat about.

[switch clicks]

[Abacus] Far be it from me to pour cold water on all your fun, but if Mrs. Scrubitt catches you trying to escape, you’ll all get six months in the coop.

So just think about that before getting involved in this harebrained scheme.

But it’s not harebrained, Abacus.

Willy’s chocolates are incredible.

Try one.

[Abacus] That’s very kind of you, Noodle.

I don’t care how good his chocolates are.

When do we start?

[bell dinging melodically]

[Colin] I guess what I’m trying to say, Barbara, is, um, will you marry me?

[Barbara] Oh. [sighs]

I dunno, Colin.

You’re a lovely man, but I’m looking for someone to sweep me off my feet. You know, whisk me off to a life of adventure.

Could that be you?

No.

Oh.

Not with my chronic lack of self-confidence.

Uh, I best be off.

Oh, but Colin…

Sorry to have wasted your time, Barbara.

Uh, taxi!

[sighs heavily]

[waiter] Uh, monsieur, can I help you?

Oh, waiter.

Do you have anything for a broken heart?

♪ So the taxis never stop ♪

♪ The girls think You’re a flop ♪

♪ You’re wet and cold, You’re getting old ♪

♪ Your confidence is shot ♪

It’s true.

♪ When people look at you ♪

♪ They seem to look Straight through ♪

♪ Or like you’re something Brown they found ♪

♪ Upon the bottom Of their shoe ♪

Have you been following me?

♪ But this should lift The gloom My Giraffe Milk Macaroon ♪

♪ Just take a chance And you’ll be dancing ♪

♪ To a different tune ♪

♪ Goodbye to feeling small And frightened of it all ♪

♪ Just eat a few of these ♪

♪ And you’ll be feeling ten feet tall ♪

[music pauses]

♪ Well, there’s ♪

♪ Chocolate

[cheerful music plays]

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

♪ Only Wonka’s makes Your confidence skyrockelet ♪

He doesn’t even work here.

♪ Put your hand ♪

♪ Into your pockelet ♪

[excited chatter]

♪ Get yourself Some Wonka chocolate ♪

♪ Madam, just one kiss ♪

♪ Yes, please! ♪

♪ You’ve never had chocolate ♪

[wolfwhistles]

♪ Like this ♪

[whistle blowing]

[crowd] ♪ No, we’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

[cheerful music continues]

[grunts]

♪ Have you tried His new one? ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Oh, you’ve got to have a go ♪

♪ Just pop one in And everything becomes A Broadway show ♪

[lights buzz]

♪ The news that Makes you gasp ♪

♪ The jokes that Make you laugh ♪

♪ All that you say And do all day ♪

♪ Will be choreographed ♪

♪ Lost your hair, Can’t think where ♪

♪ Feeling fairly bare Up there ♪

♪ Don’t despair, I come prepared ♪

♪ Behold My Hair Repair Eclair ♪

♪ It’s made from ground vanilla From the markets of Manila ♪

♪ Take heed, Eat more than three ♪

♪ And you’ll end up Like a gorilla ♪

[meows]

♪ Well, there’s chocolate ♪

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

[meows]

♪ Only Wonka’s makes you Rock around the clockelet ♪

[tram bell dings]

♪ Put your hand Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself ♪

♪ Oh, put a sock in it! ♪

♪ Make sure They’re all frisked ♪

[passengers gasp]

♪ Have you ever Had chocolate like this? ♪

♪ I’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

[crowd] ♪ Put your hands Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself Some Wonka chocolate ♪

♪ Put your hands Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself Some Wonka chocolate ♪

♪ Put your hands Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself Some Wonka chocolate ♪

♪ Put your hands Into your pockelet ♪

♪ Get yourself some choc ♪

♪ Well, there’s literate

[music softens]

♪ And illiterate ♪

♪ Can you tell me What this word is? ♪

♪ Not a bit of it ♪

[sighs]

♪ Well, that’s a vowel And that’s a consonant ♪

♪ What’s that now? You’re talking nonsenence ♪

♪ I should call it quits ♪

♪ But you’ve never Sold chocolate like this ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Well, there’s chocolate ♪

I understand that, yeah.

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

Totally true.

♪ Only Wonka drives a hole Right through our profilets ♪

[chief] Yes, but what I’m trying to tell you is that…

♪ If we don’t get on top Of this ♪

♪ We’ll go bust ♪

♪ Chocapocalypse! ♪

♪ We’ll cease to exist ♪

But, fellas…

♪ You’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

♪ No, we’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

♪ Well, there’s chocolate ♪

♪ Well, there’s chocolate ♪

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

♪ And there’s chocolate ♪

[Willy] ♪ Only mine will find you Buying wedding frockelets ♪

[church bell tolls]

♪ We have just tied the knot ♪

♪ And it’s all because Of Wonka’s chocolate ♪

[crowd] ♪ Off to a life Of bliss ♪

♪ You’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

♪ No, we’ve never had ♪

♪ Chocolate like this ♪

♪ Have you ever Had chocolate like this? ♪

♪ No, we’ve never had Chocolate ♪

♪ No, we’ve never Had chocolate like this ♪

[both wolfwhistle]

[siren ringing]

[crowd vocalizing final note]

[whistle blowing]

[music ends]

[chief] All right, where is he?

Where’d he go?

[crowd murmuring]

[chief sighs]

[grunts]

[grunts]

So that’s how you’re doin’ it.

Affable, I want a man on every storm drain in the city.

Are you sure, sir?

Shouldn’t we be focusing on all those unsolved murders?

No, no, no, no, this is the priority.

Okay. [grunts]

[exhales sharply, grunts]

[bones cracking]

Okay, you know what? I’m gonna need your help up.

Yep, there we go. [grunts]

Pretty sure I’ve gained about 150 pounds in the last two weeks.

[soft creaking]

[male voice] Ooh!

[grunts]

[Willy grunts]

[bed creaking]

[grunts softly]

[chuckles]

[click]

[gasps]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Gotcha!

[Oompa Loompa] What the devil?

Let me out of here. I demand to be released.

[Willy] Incredible. It can speak.

[Oompa Loompa] Well, of course, I can speak.

Now let me out of here, or I shall shriek.

[Willy] Wow.

Let me out!

[Willy] Not until I take a good look at you.

[scoffs]

[Willy] Wow.

Good evening.

So you’re the funny little man who’s been following me.

“Funny little man”? How dare you.

I will have you know that I am a perfectly respectable size for an Oompa Loompa.

[glass clinks]

An Oompawhatnow?

In fact, in Loompaland, I am regarded as something of a whopper.

They call me Lofty.

[chuckles]

So, I will thank you to stop gawping at me as though I was something unpleasant you’d found in your handkerchief.

I find it uncomfortable and, frankly, rude.

Um… [smacks lips]

Sorry.

Now let me out of here.

You have absolutely no right to go around embottling innocent strangers.

Innocent?

Hold on, you’ve been stealing from me. For years.

Well, you started it.

Me?

You stole our cocoa beans.

What are you talking about?

Do you mean that you don’t even remember?

Remember what?

The day you… [sniffles]

destroyed my life. [fakesobs]

No, I don’t remember that.

Well then, young man.

Allow me to refresh your memory in the form of a song so ruinously catchy that it may never leave your mind.

[plays lilting tune]

Oh, I don’t think I wanna hear that.

Too late.

[upbeat music playing]

I’ve started dancing now.

Once we’ve started, we can’t stop, you see.

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetydoo ♪

♪ I’ve got a tragic tale For you ♪

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetydee ♪

♪ If you are wise, You’ll listen to me ♪

[horn toots]

♪ Dear Loompaland Is both luscious and green ♪

♪ But not conducive To growing the bean ♪

♪ My job was guarding What little we’d got ♪

♪ You came along ♪

♪ And pinched the lot ♪

[Willy] Hey, why didn’t you say something?

[Oompa Loompa] Well, perhaps I drifted off.

[snoring]

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetyday ♪

♪ When I awoke, They sent me away ♪

♪ I’m disgraced, Cast out in the cold ♪

♪ Till I’ve paid my friends Back a thousandfold ♪

[Willy] A thousandfold? You gotta be kidding me!

[Oompa Loompa] I repeat…

♪ A thousandfold

[music stops]

Hah. Wow.

Um… [smacks lips] Mr. Loompa, if you really think that’s a reasonable penalty for taking three beans…

Four beans.

…four beans, then I’m sure we can come to some sort of understanding.

But I can’t give you my entire supply.

I got people counting on me.

Hmm. [inhales]

Very well.

I tell you what.

You let me out of here, and we can discuss it, like gentlemen. Hmm?

All right.

Ah, thank you. Now, would you be so very kind as to pass me that miniature frying pan?

Hmm. This one?

No, no. The heavier one, please.

All right.

Thank you. Thank you very…

Ooh, I say, that is quite a beast, isn’t it?

Now, come a little closer.

That’s it, closer, closer, closer, come on, cozy on up.

[chuckles] Okay.

There we are.

[chuckles] What?

Ow!

[upbeat music resumes]

[grunts]

[Willy] Ow!

Oompa Loompas do not negotiate.

Good day, sir.

[groans]

[Willy] But that’s my last jar!

I said good day.

[music stops]

[thud]

[Noodle] He came back?

[Willy] Yes, Noodle, but this time I set a trap.

And he walked right into it.

So, where is he?

[Willy] Ah, well, we had a fight, you see. He won.

Hit me on the head with a frying pan and jumped out of the window.

Of course he did. [sighs]

You don’t believe me, do you?

Honestly? No.

No!

No.

No.

Definitely not.

But, as it so happens, we don’t need to sell chocolate today.

And why is that?

[Noodle] You know that shop?

The one you’ve been dreaming of?

[keys jingling]

[lock turning]

[door creaking]

[Abacus] Now, I know what you’re thinking.

It may need a little work.

[lights buzz]

[Piper] Looks like someone left the water running twenty years ago and the ceiling fell through.

And the ceiling above that, and the ceiling above that.

[Abacus] But that means we can afford it.

For a week, anyway.

[Lottie] And we’d finally be legitimate.

The police wouldn’t have any excuse to keep bothering us.

[Noodle] So, what do you think, Willy?

Do you like it?

Do I like it?

Noodle, it’s just as I always imagined.

No, scratch that, it’s better than I imagined.

I mean, look at this place.

I mean, yeah, it’s a wreck, but… the potential!

The bones!

[laughs]

You mark my words, this is gonna be the best chocolate shop the world has ever seen.

Whoo!

You won’t be scrubscrubbin’ much longer, Noodle.

[chuckles]

[Willy] We’ll all be free.

As free as flamingos!

[Noodle chuckles]

[grunts]

[chief] There’s six of them in total.

Including the little girl.

She seems to be the brains of the operation.

They’re based out of a laundry called Scrubitt and Bleacher.

[inhales sharply] Scrubitt’s?

That’s right. Why, you know it?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

[chief] They just rented a shop.

So, legally, I can’t touch them. But illegally, I’m happy to do whatever you guys want.

You want ’em all to have a little accident?

In which they die?

Not a problem.

But it’s gonna cost you a lot more chocolate.

It’s all right, Chief.

[chief] And also, I’d, uh, be grateful for an advance.

‘Cause the last boxes you gave me… [chuckles] they’re gone.

All of them?

I’ve been eating these little paper cases for the… for the past three days. [chuckles]

You know, you think they’re gonna give you the same hit.

[laughs] They don’t.

Oh. [breathing heavily]

[Slugworth] There you go, Chief.

There’s plenty more where that came from.

You stand down for now.

We’ll give you a call when the time is right.

[kisses]

[Slugworth grunts]

What is it, Arthur?

[Slugworth] The girl.

[Fickelgruber] You don’t really think it could be her, do you?

I do.

You always assured us she wouldn’t be a problem.

He’s right. You did assure us.

And she won’t be.

Nor will Wonka.

I’ll see to it, personally.

[thunder rumbles]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Who is it? What d’you want?

[Mrs. Scrubitt gasps]

Mr. Slugworth. [breathes heavily]

Just a minute, sir.

Good evening.

Good evening.

[Bleacher] Who is it, puffywu…

[cup shatters]

[Bleacher] Stone me.

It’s Mr. Slugworth.

[breath shudders] To what do we owe the honor?

You have a guest. A Mr. Wonka?

He’s been sneaking out to sell chocolate with the help of your serving girl.

Why, that little brat.

[Slugworth] Well, quite.

I wondered if you might help me put an end to their… business.

[thunder crashes]

[sighs]

[softly] Here we go, Mamma.

[people chattering]

[Willy, loudly] Ladies and gentlemen, greetings to you all, and welcome to Wonka’s.

Tremendous things are in store,

both literally and metaphorically.

What?

In there?

Humor me.

♪ Close your eyes And count to ten ♪

♪ Make a wish ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Open them ♪

♪ Here’s a store That’s like no other ♪

♪ If it were, I wouldn’t bother ♪

[midtempo music tempo plays]

♪ Chocolate bushes

♪ Chocolate trees ♪

♪ Chocolate flowers And chocolate bees ♪

[crowd gasps]

♪ Chocolate memories

♪ That a boy once saved ♪

♪ Before they melted away ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ A place to escape to ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ Where you can be free ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever life takes you ♪

♪ This is your home ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

[excited chatter]

♪ Here is the child ♪

♪ That you left behind ♪

♪ Here is the kid ♪

♪ With the curious mind ♪

♪ Here is the wonder We used to feel ♪

♪ Back when the magic Was real ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ A place to go when you’re ♪

♪ Feeling alone ♪

♪ Feeling unsure ♪

Mmm!

♪ Embrace the unknown ♪

♪ Enjoy the adventure ♪

♪ Let’s go strolling In the clouds ♪

♪ Grab a handful ♪

♪ It’s allowed ♪

♪ Clouds are made Of cotton candy ♪

♪ Just keep Your umbrella handy ♪

♪ ‘Cause there’s A hard rain gonna fall ♪

♪ Humbugs, gumdrops ♪

♪ And aniseed balls ♪

[fireworks whistling]

♪ Fireworks bring ♪

♪ Sugar string to chew ♪

[woman squeals, laughs]

♪ All the colors Of the rainbow ♪

♪ And some others, too ♪

♪ A world of our own ♪

[female chorus] ♪ A world of our own ♪

♪ A place to escape to ♪

♪ A place to escape to ♪

♪ A world of our own ♪

♪ A world of our own ♪

♪ Where we can be free ♪

♪ That’s where we can be free ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever life takes you ♪

♪ Wherever life takes you ♪

♪ This is our home ♪

♪ A world of our own ♪

[music ends]

[Abacus] So, mushrooms, pears, assorted flowers.

That comes to 89 sovereigns.

A bargain at twice the price.

Thank you, sir.

And how would you like your change?

Spendable or edible?

Oh, edible, please.

[register dings]

[Abacus] Enjoy.

[laughs]

And, uh, don’t forget to eat your basket.

Oh.

Abacus, that man just gave us 100 sovereigns.

I know, Noodle!

[both chuckle]

[man] Who’s next?

[woman 1] That’ll be me.

[woman 2] Me!

[people arguing]

Uh…

Mr. Wonka?

Yes?

What’s going on here?

Oh, my goodness.

That’s impossible.

Unless…

Yeti sweat?

Yeti sweat?

[Willy] The most powerful hair potion in the world.

But I didn’t put it in there.

Ladies and gentlemen! Your attention, please!

There appears to be a manufacturing error.

Nobody eat the flowers!

Uh, why not?

What’s wrong with them?

[woman] What’s the matter with this toadstool?

My daughter took one bite, and just look at her!

There’s nothing wrong with the chocolate milk, is there?

I’m terribly sorry, everyone, and I don’t know how to explain this, but… it appears that the chocolates have been poisoned!

Poisoned?

[crowd gasping]

Poisoned?

He poisoned my child!

I didn’t… I didn’t poison them.

I want my money back.

I want compensation.

I want revenge.

Whoa!

[angry shouting]

No, no! Please!

[woman screams]

This is what you get for mustaching my daughter!

[man] I’ll wait for you. [woman] Help! I have to get away from this place.

[people screaming]

[Slugworth] And that, I believe,

is the end of Wonka’s Chocolate Shop.

[Lottie] I don’t understand. What…

What…

What happened?

[Abacus] Isn’t it obvious?

The Chocolate Cartel.

[Noodle sighs]

It’s okay, Willy. We can rebuild.

We can start again.

There’s no point, Noodle.

It didn’t work.

What do you mean?

She promised she would be here.

She wasn’t.

You didn’t actually think that…

[Willy] No, I did.

Stupid dream.

[Noodle] Don’t say that, Willy. Please don’t ever…

[Abacus] Come on, Noodle.

I think Mr. Wonka needs to be alone.

[Mamma] Every good thing in this world started with a dream.

So you hold on to yours.

And when you do share chocolate with the world, oh…

I’ll be right there beside ya.

[Slugworth] Terrible shame, what happened here.

[Willy] Take it you’re responsible?

[Slugworth] Us? Oh, no. Well, not personally.

We may have encouraged Mrs. Scrubitt to enhance your creations.

[Prodnose] We paid her to poison them.

[Slugworth] Yes, thank you, Gerald.

[Prodnose] You’re welcome.

So why have you come?

To gloat?

Oh, no, Mr. Wonka, I don’t waste my time with that sort of thing.

We’ve come to offer you a deal.

This is the precise amount you owe Mrs. Scrubitt.

This is for the number cruncher, the plumber, the telephonist, the so-called funnyman, and this… is for the girl.

Now, we put in a bit extra for her.

So that she can get a place to live, clothes, toys… books.

[Slugworth] Oh, yes, Mr. Wonka.

You could change her life. Change all their lives.

And what would I have to do?

Leave town.

Oh, and, um, never make chocolate again.

There’s a boat sailing at midnight.

And for their sake, as much as your own,

I hope you’re on board.

[melancholy music plays]

[Willy] ♪ Sorry, Noodle ♪

♪ I guess I got carried away ♪

♪ Sorry, Noodle ♪

♪ I hope you’ll forgive me One day ♪

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Checking out, are we?

[Willy] Yeah.

♪ I just wanted it ♪

♪ To feel the way that it did ♪

♪ When I was a kid ♪

♪ Sorry, Noodle ♪

[Slugworth] Ah, Mr. Wonka.

Your ticket. Uh, oneway.

To the North Pole.

It’s premium economy.

[Prodnose] Yeah, it’s basically economy.

I mean, yeah, you get a little more legroom.

A complimentary packet of peanuts.

Is it worth the extra?

I don’t know. But these guys… [hesitates]

We don’t need to go into detail.

Goodbye, Mr. Wonka.

[bones crunching]

[groans softly]

[exhales sharply]

[huffs]

[Willy] Thank you.

[flute plays lilting tune]

[Oompa Loompa music plays]

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetydee ♪

♪ I’m not in premium economy ♪

♪ I’d go first class If I were you ♪

♪ That’s what Oompa Loompas ♪

♪ Doompetydo! ♪

[music ends]

[chuckles]

So glad you’re here.

Oh, I’m not going to let you out of my sight, Willy Wonka.

Not till you’ve paid your debt.

But I bring glad tidings on that score.

What’s that?

I’ve been doing my sums.

One more jar, and we’re even.

Or, if you prefer, I will accept half a jar of those rather amusing Hoverchocs.

[ice rattling]

You’re outta luck.

I don’t make chocolate anymore.

Oh, dear, please don’t tell me you’re going to go through with this ridiculous deal?

I have to.

For Noodle.

I promised her a better life.

I pinkie promised.

You should stand up to those bullies.

Give ’em the old one-two.

That’s what an Oompa Loompa would do.

[exhales]

But if you are determined to just sit there feeling sorry for yourself,

I am going flat.

Good night, sir.

[chair whirring]

[Willy] Huh.

[chair whirring]

[inhales] What is it?

No, nothing.

Well, it’s obviously something because you said, “Huh.”

I’m sorry. Forget it.

Very well.

[chair whirring]

Huh.

Oh, you did it again.

[chair whirring]

Tell me what it is, or I shall poke you quite viciously with a cocktail stick.

Look. Where Slugworth shook my hand.

His ring left a mark. See?

It’s an “A,” surrounded by “S”s.

So what? His name is Arthur Slugworth.

It’s probably a family ring.

Yes, but Noodle has one just like it.

Noodle?

Uhhuh.

Why would Noodle the orphan have a Slugworth family ring?

There’s only one reason I can think of.

Which is?

And if I’m correct, Noodle could be in grave danger.

Well, come on, Wonka. Spit it out.

Produce your owl pellet of wisdom.

There’s no time. I gotta get back.

Captain!

Wonka?

Come back here. Wonka! I demand an explanation.

Captain?

On second thoughts, the explanation can wait.

Good day to you.

[water splashes]

[water splashes]

[chief] Well, gentlemen, one dead chocolatier, as requested.

Miss BonBon?

[Miss BonBon] Yes, Mr. Slugworth?

Give the chief his chocolate.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] My, my.

What a lot o’ long faces this morning.

It’s almost as though you lot had a sneaky little scheme to try and wriggle out of your contracts.

Which spectacularly misfired.

[Bleacher grunts, chuckles]

But I’ve got some good news for you lot, not that you deserve it.

Your friend, Mr. Wonka, done a deal with Mr. Slugworth.

What?

Gave up on his dream to settle your accounts.

Mr. Crunch.

Present.

You’re free to go.

Scram, bookworm.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Bell.

[Lottie] Hello.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Sling yer hook.

Benz.

You ain’t gotta tell me twice. [chuckles]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Chucklesworth.

You’ve been a terrible audience.

Good night!

Yeah, well, you ain’t been much of a comedian, mate.

[Larry] I know.

Hey, Larry.

Keep going. You’ve got something.

You scare me.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] And finally, Noodle.

Biggest pile o’ the lot.

But this isn’t to pay your bill.

This is to keep you here.

[door shuts]

What do you mean?

[door locks]

[Mrs. Scrubitt] My friend, Mr. Slugworth, doesn’t think nasty little urchins like you should be out on the streets, lowering the tone.

So, he gave me this money to keep you down in the Wash House for good.

And I’m only too happy to oblige.

I hate you!

[Bleacher] Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

[Mrs. Scrubitt laughs]

Look at her go, Lord Bleachowitz.

[both laugh]

Lord Bleachowitz?

You don’t still think he’s a lord, do you?

What?

We made it up, you stupid old hag.

[Bleacher] She’s… she’s lying.

Right, that’s it, you horrible little brat.

You’re goin’ in the coop, my girl.

And you! Take them dungarees off, you… you peasant. [sobs]

But Puffywuffy.

I wuv you.

[Noodle gasps]

[lock clicks]

[breathing heavily]

[wings fluttering]

[cooing]

[thud]

[footsteps approaching]

Hello, Noodle.

[gasps] Willy. I thought you’d gone.

I did.

Slugworth promised you a better life, but he didn’t exactly keep his side of the bargain.

So I came back. We all did.

[Piper] Hey, Noodle.

[Abacus] How do?

[Lottie] Hey.

[Larry gurgling] Surprise!

[Noodle] He wants me locked up forever.

Yeah, well, that figures.

Why? What’s he got against me?

I don’t know, Noodle. Not for sure.

All I know for certain is that you won’t be safe until Slugworth is behind bars.

[footsteps approaching]

And how exactly is that supposed to happen?

Abacus. You said the Cartel keep a record of all their dirty deeds.

In the green ledger, yes.

[Willy] So if we can get hold o’ that, we can prove that they poisoned our chocolate.

Scrubitt and Bleacher would go to jail, and we’ll all be free.

Uh, yes, but may I remind you, they keep that ledger in a vault.

Guarded by a corrupt cleric.

And 500 chocoholic monks.

[group] Mmhmm.

That’s all true.

But I went for a long, cold swim this morning.

Cold water is very good for the brain.

Stimulates the neural pathways.

And after just four miles, it came to me.

How an ingenious orphan, an accountant, a plumber, a telephone exchange operator, and a man who can speak underwater, could combine those talents, and pull off the heist of the century.

But even if we do get our hands on that ledger, the Cartel will simply bribe their way out of trouble.

It’s what they do.

[sighs]

[Noodle] The greedy beat the needy, Willy.

It’s just the way of the world.

[Willy] You’re right, Noodle.

I guess that’s why there’s one other thing to do.

What’s that?

[softly] Change the world.

[Piper] Whoa!

[chuckles]

Where do we start?

[bell tolling]

[knocks rhythmically]

[in English accent] ‘Scuse me, sir.

Could you spare a piece of chocolate for a starvin’ orphan?

I’m sorry, my child. I don’t have any on me.

[Noodle] Oh.

[whispers] Then have some acacia mints.

Yes!

[door creaking]

[Basil] “To Basil Bond, employee of the week.”

[munches] Oh, that’s lovely…

[groans drowsily]

[snoring]

Everything all right back there?

Everything’s fine. Isn’t it, Abigail?

[snorts]

Tell her she might want to duck.

[Willy] Tell her she might wanna what?

[Abacus] Duck!

[snorts]

[Father Julius] Good morning, brethren.

[monks chant] Good morning, Father.

[Father Julius] Now, as you all know, it’s Baron von Schmeichelhammer’s funeral today.

And his widow is… a bit of a pious type.

[monks] Ugh!

[Father Julius] So, I don’t want to see anyone eating chocolate during the service.

[monks chant] Yes, Father.

We all know that one day, we shall be judged for our sins, but it’s not going to be today.

[monks chant] Amen.

[bell tolls]

[Abigail snorting]

[continues snorting]

[Father Julius] There, there.

Nice giraffe.

Run! Everybody out!

[monks singing] ♪ Giraffe ♪

[monk 1] Run!

[monk 2] The beast!

[Father Julius] Save yourselves!

[monks] ♪ Giraffe ♪

[monk 3] Get out!

[monks] ♪ It’s a giraffe ♪

Judgement has come!

[monks] ♪ Giraffe’s a giraffe ♪

[monk 4] Run off! Quickly!

In a most unexpected form.

[monks] ♪ Got a giraffe ♪

[monks] ♪You’re having a laugh

Run away!

♪ I know it’s a giraffe, Giraffe, giraffe ♪

What have I done to deserve this?

You know what you’ve done, Julius.

You’ve sold your soul for 30 pieces of chocolate.

[phones ringing]

[indistinct talking]

Hello, operator. How may I direct your call?

[Father Julius] I need the Zoo. It’s an emergency.

Putting you through to the Escaped Animal Department now.

[ringing]

Hello, Zoo.

[all mimicking animals’ cries]

Quiet down, you animals.

[gurgling] You too, octopus.

[Father Julius] There’s a giraffe.

What? Oh, yeah, I think we did lose a giraffe.

[mimicries continue]

Well, could you come and get it?

Okay, jeez. I’ll send the guys around.

[sighs]

[sniffing]

[yelps]

Oh, forgive me!

I’m a sinner!

A weak and wicked chocoholic!

[organ music plays]

Good morning, everyone.

[Father Julius] Welcome to St. Benedict’s.

[sighs]

Baroness, I’m so sorry for your loss.

We’re just having a few technical difficulties, um, so you might want to pop the late baron down for a minute.

[tires screech]

Ah, the cavalry.

Are you the cleric who called about a giraffe?

[Abacus] All clear.

[elevator dings]

[wheels squeak]

Huh. “Thanks for all your hard work.”

“Father Julius and the Chocolate Cartel.”

Oh, that’s nice.

Mmm.

[Abacus] Here we are, Father.

[indistinct chatter]

One giraffe.

[all applauding]

[Father Julius] Marvelous.

[Abacus] Thank you, thank you.

Stand back, please. Stand back.

♪ Have I got A sweet tooth? Pow! I do ♪

[scatting]

[Willy whispering] Wow.

[Gwennie] ♪ Have I got a sweet tooth… ♪

[Willy whispering] She can really move.

[Gwennie] I could’ve been happy, but I threw a pearl away.

I’ll give him a call. No, I can’t.

I will give him a call actually.

[telephone rings]

[yelps]

Hello?

Basil? It’s Gwennie.

You were right.

[Noodle] What are the chances?

Those days in chemistry class were the happiest of my life.

[Gwennie sobs]

[groans]

[Noodle grunts]

Cool.

[flamingos honking]

[car horn honking]

[man] Sorry about this, sir.

The seafood truck spilled its load.

There’s so many blasted flamingos about these days.

[Slugworth] Well, hurry it along now, will you?

[man on radio] The town square was closed this morning after a bizarre incident at the city cathedral.

Delaying the funeral of noted philanthropist, Baron von Schmeichelhammer.

[Father Julius] In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.

Amen.

[telephone ringing]

Sorry, I’d best get that. [chuckles]

[growls quietly]

Hello, pulpit?

[Slugworth] Father.

Everything all right there?

[Father Julius] Oh, yes, Mr. Slugworth.

All ticketyboo.

At least, it is now.

[Father Julius chuckles]

What do you mean by that?

Oh, we had a giraffe in here earlier.

Had to clear the whole place for about 20 minutes, but everything’s back to normal.

Hello?

Damn the flamingos, Donovan! Floor it!

Yes, sir!

[flamingos honking]

[officer] Idiot!

[breathing heavily]

Anything?

Nothing.

Well, keep looking.

[Noodle] It’s not in here, Willy.

[Willy] But Abacus said that it was here.

[Noodle] Abacus has been in the Wash House for the past four years.

Maybe all the scrubbing has gone to his head.

‘Cause all that’s down here is just a bunch of stupid old chocolate.

[gasps]

[gasps]

Willy, look!

We did it, Noodle.

We got ’em.

[Noodle chuckles]

[gunshot]

[Slugworth] Naughty, naughty, Mr. Wonka.

You’ve caused us quite a bit of trouble.

You and your urchin.

Yeah, but she’s not just an urchin, is she, Mr. Slugworth?

[gasps]

You’re family.

[Noodle] What?

What are you talking about, Willy?

You know that ring, Noodle?

The one your parents gave you?

Mr. Slugworth has one just like it.

Don’t you, Mr. Slugworth?

As a matter of fact, I do.

That belonged to my brother. Zebedee.

Was he my father?

A hopeless romantic is what he was.

Fell in love with a common little bookworm, died before they could marry.

Leaving me sole heir to the family fortune.

Or so I thought.

But nine months later, your mother turned up on my doorstep, begging me to get a doctor for her sick little newborn.

I said I would help.

[Noodle] But you didn’t. Did you?

[Slugworth] Oh, no.

[Noodle] Instead, you put me down a laundry chute.

[Slugworth] Bye-bye, baby.

[Noodle] Mrs. Scrubitt found me.

She saw the ring.

Thought it was an “N,” and called me Noodle.

But it wasn’t.

It was “Z.” For Zebedee.

[Slugworth] Well, quite.

When your mother returned, I told her you had died.

[sobbing] Oh, no!

[Slugworth] She was heartbroken, of course.

But, uh, I gave her a handful of sovereigns and had her escorted from my property.

What was her name?

Eh?

My mom. What was her name?

Ooh.

Let me see. Um…

No, I don’t think I could remember that.

[chuckling] Sorry. But you have to understand, she was very poor.

[Fickelgruber gags]

Sorry, Felix.

[Willy] Her name was Dorothy.

Dorothy Smith. It says so right here.

Dorothy? [chuckles]

[Willy] Well, what do you know?

I guess you did teach me to read after all.

[chuckles]

[Slugworth] Well, this is all very touching, but back to business.

We’ll take that, thank you.

How much chocolate do you have at your factory, Mr. Fickelgruber?

Oh, about 80,000 gallons.

Prodnose?

[mumbles]

[Prodnose] Seventyfive?

[Slugworth] And I’ve got 150.

That should be enough.

For what?

Death by chocolate.

[lights buzz]

[chocolate bubbles]

On you go.

Uh, gentlemen.

Considering the situation, I wondered if you’d do a good deed on my behalf.

A what?

“A good deed.”

It’s a sort of pointless act of selflessness…

Yes, of course, Mr. Wonka.

What would you like us to do?

I was wondering if you could give this to someone.

Only if you happen to see him.

And who is it?

A little orange man.

Eh?

A little orange man.

About eight inches high, with orange skin and bright green hair.

I owe him a jar of chocolates, you see. And, well, I think these might be the best I ever made.

Well, in that case, I’ll make sure he gets them personally.

Farewell, Mr. Wonka.

Urchin.

[whirring]

[heavy thudding]

[Noodle gasps] Willy…

[handles squeaking]

[chocolate gurgling]

What are we gonna do, Willy?

I don’t know, Noodle. I’ll think of something.

[elevator dings]

Best chocolate he ever made, eh?

[Prodnose chuckling excitedly]

Whoohoo.

Oh!

[chocolate bubbling]

[Willy] I got it!

[Noodle] What is it? Did you think of something?

[Willy] Yes, I did.

If we’re gonna drown in chocolate, Noodle, and let’s face it, we’re gonna drown in chocolate, then it’s gonna be Wonka chocolate.

We’re not gonna drown, Willy. Look, there’s a light.

We’ll let the chocolate lift us up, we’ll bang on the glass, and pray somebody hears us.

That’s a much better idea.

[elevator dings]

Ah, gentlemen.

It was a bit of a close shave this morning, and I was wondering if perhaps we could rethink our arrangement. Or…

Or… just leave things as they are.

[Slugworth] Father.

Well, Wonka might be as nutty as a fruitcake, but he sure knew how to make chocolate.

[Father Julius] Mmm.

But do you think we should have saved some for the Little Orange Man?

Tell me you’re joking.

Uh, yes. Yes, I am. Sorry, why am I?

[Slugworth] Because there’s no such thing as a little orange man, ya nincompoop.

[Willy grunting]

[Willy] Help! [Noodle] Help!

[Willy] Somebody help, please!

Please help!

Help!

Look. Look, somebody’s coming. Look.

Willy, we’re saved!

[Noodle panting]

I’m sorry, Noodle.

Don’t be.

You found my family.

A mom who loved me.

That’s all I ever wanted.

Deep breath now.

[both inhale deeply]

[Father Julius] Mmm! Exquisite.

You mustn’t let yourself get so worked up.

It’s just a bit of chocolate.

[door opens]

[Oompa Loompa] Correction.

It was actually my chocolate.

[elevator dings]

You have made a very grave error, gentlemen.

You steal from an Oompa Loompa, we take back a thousandfold.

[chocolate draining]

[both gasping for air]

What’s going on, Willy?

It’s draining, Noodle.

We’ve been saved!

By who?

I don’t know.

By the Little Orange Man! [chuckling]

Look.

Wh…

[Willy] The Little Orange Man!

[screaming] Thank you, Little Orange Man! Thank you!

[Willy cheering]

[Noodle squealing]

[both cheering]

[siren ringing]

[brakes screech]

Gentlemen. Thank goodness you’re okay.

I came as fast as I could.

[chief grunting]

Whew! Car shrunk.

[Slugworth] I’m sure it did.

And you’ve nothing to worry about, Chief.

All under control.

A couple of thieves broke in, but I’m afraid they met with a little… accident.

In which they died.

[Prodnose chuckling]

[chuckling] That’s actually rather good, Gerald.

[Willy] I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

Officer, would you kindly take a look at this?

Wonka!

[Noodle] It details every single illegal payment these men have ever made.

Thousands of them.

[scoffs] Affable, don’t listen to her. She’s lyin’.

Well, of course, she is. [chuckles nervously]

[Affable] She’s not, sir.

She’s absolutely right.

It’s incredible.

Oh. Well.

Then that sounds like a case for the Chief of Police. [chuckles]

So you give it to me, Affable, I’ll, uh… I’ll take it off your hands.

You know, save you the paperwork.

I can’t do that, I’m afraid, sir.

[chuckles] Why’s that?

Because your name is written down here.

Huh?

A lot.

Gentlemen…

[Affable] You’re under arrest.

[Slugworth] Run.

[chief] We puttin’ handcuffs on, here?

[gasps]

That’s okay, Noodle.

Give it one second.

[Cartel exclaiming]

[Prodnose] What’s happening?

Why are we airborne?

[Willy] You didn’t eat any of those chocolates, did you, Mr. Slugworth?

Why?

[Willy] Because they’re Hoverchocs.

Delayed action, but extra strong.

[Slugworth] You think you’re very clever, don’t you, Wonka?

Well, there’s a billion sovereigns of chocolate beneath our feet.

We’ll get the best lawyers, bribe the judge, rig the jury if we have to.

We’ll be fine.

I wish I’d thought of that.

Hey, Noodle!

[metal banging]

[handles squeaking]

[ground rumbling]

[crowd exclaiming]

[all yell]

[Prodnose] What is that?

[Slugworth crying] It’s our chocolate!

[Fickelgruber] All our chocolate!

[Prodnose] We’re ruined!

[Willy] Hey, don’t worry, gentlemen.

You’ll come down eventually.

Probably. I think.

But until then, ladies and gentlemen, Willy Wonka and friends…

[laughing]

…invite you to enjoy our chocolate.

[woman] Yay! Magic Wonka!

[Basil chuckling]

Gwennie?

Basil! [chuckles]

[Willy] What did I say, Abacus, I told you we could fix it all.

[indistinct chatter]

Your cup.

Thank you.

There you are.

[Lottie] There you go.

Careful, not too much.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

[kisses, blows]

[chuckles softly]

[kisses, blows]

[chuckling]

[gasps]

[both chuckle]

[Noodle] Mmm. [chuckles]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

[Abacus] Mmm.

[Piper] Thank you.

Mmm. [chuckles]

[Willy] Oh.

Huh.

[Noodle] So… how does it feel, Willy?

Is it as good as you remember?

Every little bit.

[chuckles]

I wish it could last forever.

[chuckles]

[pigeon cooing]

[clock strikes]

I guess it’s time.

Time for what?

Do you know how many people in this city are named D. Smith?

106.

And luckily, you have a friend who works at the telephone exchange.

And she spent the entire afternoon ringing around.

And guess what?

We found her.

You found my mom?

[Abacus] She works in the library.

That’s where she lives.

[Willy] Come on, Noodle.

[clock chimes]

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ And you’ll be ♪

♪ In a world ♪

♪ Of pure imagination ♪

♪ Reach out, touch ♪

♪ What was once ♪

♪ Just in your imagination ♪

♪ Don’t be shy ♪

♪ It’s all right ♪

♪ If you feel A little trepidation ♪

♪ Sometimes These things don’t ♪

♪ Need explanation ♪

♪ If you want To view paradise ♪

♪ Simply look at them And view it ♪

♪ Somebody to hold on to ♪

♪ It’s all we really need ♪

[Dorothy chuckles]

♪ Nothing else to it ♪

Mom.

[chuckles, sniffles]

[Oompa Loompa] So goes a good deed in a weary world.

[Willy] I was wondering if I’d see you again.

I’m not going anywhere, Willy Wonka.

Not until you’ve paid your debt.

Now, I know you tried.

Loompa law is very clear on this subject.

Until such time as the chocolate is physically in my hand…

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you. For saving my life.

[inhales]

Well, I suppose that concludes our business.

I will now return to my beloved Loompaland.

Where the cocoa beans grow in disappointingly small numbers, and my friends look down on me.

What? I thought they called you Lofty.

The truth is that I am a quarter-inch below average.

They call me Shortypants.

[chuckles]

But there it is.

Good day to you, sir.

Uh, it’s a shame you have to go.

I said good day.

If I’m gonna share my chocolate with the world, I’m gonna need more than a shop.

I’m sure you will.

I’m gonna need a factory.

[chuckles] Yeah, well, good luck with that.

And someone to head up the tasting department.

The tasting department?

[bright music playing]

♪ Come with me ♪

All right.

♪ And you’ll be ♪

Where?

[Willy] ♪ In a world Of pure imagination ♪

[Oompa Loompa] It’s a ruined castle.

[Willy] ♪ Take a look ♪

♪ And you’ll see ♪

♪ Into your imagination ♪

[Oompa Loompa] Frankly, I rather doubt it.

[chuckles] ♪ We’ll begin with a spin ♪

♪ Traveling in the world Of my creation ♪

♪ What we’ll see ♪

♪ Will defy explanation ♪

Well, that does defy explanation.

♪ If you want To view paradise ♪

♪ Simply look around And view it ♪

♪ Anything you want You do it ♪

♪ Wanna change the world? There’s nothing to it ♪

Not bad.

♪ There is no life I know ♪

♪ To compare With pure imagination ♪

♪ Living there, You’ll be free ♪

♪ If you truly ♪

♪ Wish to be ♪

[music ends]

[flute plays lilting tune]

[Oompa Loompa music playing]

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetydo ♪

♪ I’ve got a little Bonus for you ♪

♪ Sit back down And stay in your seat ♪

♪ For a last Oompa Loompaish treat ♪

♪ Abacus Crunch Returned to his home ♪

♪ Benz to her friends ♪

♪ Lottie Bell to her phones ♪

♪ Brave Larry made A triumphant comeback ♪

♪ One day his exwife ♪

♪ Saw the act ♪

♪ Laughed a lot And took him back ♪

♪ Oompa Loompa doompetyday ♪

♪ But what of Mrs. Scrubitt And Bleacher, you say? ♪

♪ Give me Just a moment or two ♪

♪ And I’ll Oompa Loompa Show it to you ♪

Oh. What is wrong with this thing?

Infernal machine. [grunts]

♪ I’ll show it to you ♪

[music ends]

There. Much better.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] Shoes, facelift, nose job, Ibiza, big old house in the country, lingerie.

It’s the Cartel. They’ve gone down.

We ain’t done nothin’.

[door closes]

Oh, except poison all them chocolates.

[knock at door]

[Affable] Police. Open up.

Quick! Drink the evidence.

[knock at door]

Oh, just a second, Officer.

[knock at door]

[Affable] Police.

[Mrs. Scrubitt] I’m on the toilet, Officer.

Open up.

One wipe, and I’m done.

[knock at door]

Oh, there’s more coming, hang on a minute.

Right.

Wow.

[pants] How can we help you, Officer? [snorts]

You two are coming with me.

[Bleacher] But we ain’t done nothin’.

You’re going away for a very long time.

[Mrs. Scrubitt sobs] One last kiss, my Lord?

Oh, puffywuffy.

[sobs]

[both moaning]

[both grunt]

[Mrs. Scrubitt sobs loudly]

[magical music plays]

[Willy] ♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And count to ten ♪

♪ Make a wish ♪

♪ Now

[snaps fingers]

♪ Open them ♪

♪ Here’s a store That’s like no other ♪

♪ If it were, I wouldn’t bother ♪

[midtempo music tempo plays]

♪ Chocolate bushes ♪

♪ Chocolate trees ♪

♪ Chocolate flowers And chocolate bees ♪

♪ Chocolate memories ♪

♪ That a boy once saved ♪

♪ Before they melted away ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ A place to escape to ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ Where you can be free ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever life takes you ♪

♪ This is your home ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ Here is the child That you left behind ♪

♪ Here is the kid With the curious mind ♪

♪ Here is the wonder We used to feel ♪

♪ Back when The magic was real ♪

♪ A world of your own ♪

♪ A place to go when you’re ♪

♪ Feeling alone ♪

♪ Feeling unsure ♪

♪ Embrace the unknown ♪

♪ Enjoy the adventure ♪

♪ Let’s go strolling In the clouds ♪

♪ Grab a handful, It’s allowed ♪

♪ Clouds are made Of cotton candy ♪

♪ Just keep Your umbrella handy ♪

♪ ‘Cause there’s A hard rain gonna fall ♪

♪ Humbugs, gumdrops And aniseed balls ♪

♪ Fireworks bring ♪

♪ Sugar string to chew ♪

♪ All the colors Of the rainbow ♪

♪ And some others, too ♪

♪ A world of our own

♪ A world of our own

♪ A place to escape to

♪ A place to escape to

♪ A world of our own

♪ A world of our own

♪ Where we can be free

♪ That’s where We can be free ♪

♪ Wherever you go

♪ Wherever you go

♪ Wherever life takes you

♪ Wherever life takes you

♪ This is our home ♪

♪ A world of our own ♪