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Unfrosted (2024) | Transcript

In 1963 Michigan, business rivals Kellogg's and Post compete to create a cake that could change breakfast forever.
Unfrosted (2024)

Unfrosted (2024)
Genre: Comedy, History
Director: Jerry Seinfeld
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Hugh Grant, Amy Schumer

Plot: In a time when milk and cereal ruled breakfast, a fierce corporate battle begins over a revolutionary new pastry.

* * *

[gentle music playing]

[dog barking]

[gentle music continues]

[bell jingles]

[door closes]

Two Pop-Tarts, please.

Leave the box.

Tough day?

You don’t wanna know.

“One day, Grandma Kellogg, while baking pies for her family, found she had some extra crust and filling.”

“So, she put them together into little tarts.”

“They were so popular, she called it the Pop-Tart.”

Wow. That’s a pretty good story.

[man] You think so? Bunch of baloney.

It’s on the box, mister.

Yeah, well, that ain’t what happened, kid.

How do you know?

‘Cause I write what’s on those boxes.

You wanna know the real story?

Nope.

Come on. It’s a good one.

All right. But make it quick.

Well, in the early ’60s, the American morning was defined by milk and cereal.

[kids speaking indistinctly]

[man] Our milkman was named Mike. He was a swell guy.

[dog barking]

[man] And our little town captured the imagination of every breakfast-loving American kid just like you.

Battle Creek, Michigan, the home of the two undisputed giants of the cereal world,

Kellogg’s and Post.

And battle they did.

Week after week, bowl after bowl, Post and Kellogg’s fought tooth and tongue to win.

But a spoon was about to get bent when a hot, sweet rectangle popped on the scene, threatening to upend America’s breakfast table forever.

So good.

Morning, Mr. Kellogg.

Oh! Great numbers last week, Bob. You look at these demos?

We beat Alpha-Bits in four-to-six-year-olds.

Letters, bad idea. Don’t make ’em think. They wanna eat.

Did you read about the boy in Bloomington who used the letters to spell “ass”?

Horrible.

And that’s on his permanent record.

Good luck getting a job.

Hmm.

Hey, did you get my memo about the frogman prize inside?

Some kids are eating them.

If they’re frogmen, they’ll find their way out.

Did you look in on Tony?

[Bob] On my way now.

Keep him happy.

Ooh. Vietnam. That seems like a good idea.

[bell rings]

[mascot] Wanna know what puts a toothy grin on this tiger’s face?

Kellogg’s Sugar Frosted Flakes.

They’re so right.

[director] Thurl, can you hit the “so” a little bit harder?

“They’re so right.”

[inhales deeply]

Are you giving me a read?

I would never do that, Thurl.

Let’s not play games, young man.

I am rehearsing Lear at four, so could you simply tell me what you want?

I wanna go home.

Hello, everyone.

Oh! And look who’s here.

Good morning, Thurl.

Is it good, Bob? Is it? Have you seen today’s copy?

Oh, we’ll get it, Thurl. We’ve got the best cereal writers in the business.

We do indeed. We are so blessed. They’re great. Just gr-r-reat!

That’s it.

That’s the line we’ve been looking for. Let’s go again.

Yes, quickly now.

Quickly, while I feel it.

[bell rings]

[man 1] Ready?

[man 2] Rolling.

[Thurl] Sugar Frosted Flakes.

They’re gr-r-reat!

And cut.

[bell rings]

[all applauding]

Thurl, you did it again.

Oh, thank you. You’re very kind to me.

You’re very kind.

[man] Bravo!

[Thurl] I soar on the wings of eagles.

Thank you.

Bob. Bob, a moment. I was wondering, is there something that could be done, perhaps, about the temperature inside my head?

I’m literally sealed up inside, you see.

[Bob] Mmm.

I’ll get the boys in the lab to look into it.

Great. Thank you.

[whimsical music playing]

Where is the lab?

There is no lab.

[Poppy] Mr. C.

Poppy. What’s this?

It’s a first pass at your Fruit Loops idea.

Oh. How’d they do?

The numbers aren’t great.

Time to sog, 14 seconds.

Ouch.

Milk buoyancy, zero. They are sinking like buckshot.

Disappointing.

Wanna hear the survey responses?

Not really.

They are “I don’t like these.”

“Please, no more.” And “Where did my parents go?”

Okay. Just double the sugar, triple the gluten, and spell Fruit F-R-O-O-T.

There’s no fruit in here.

Obviously, fruit cannot survive in a box on a shelf.

[Poppy] Of course not.

[whispering]

Mr. Cabana.

Ah, boys.

I’m just going to cut right to it.

We’re tired of doing supermarket appearances.

Yeah, we’re catching on. We want a record deal, board games…

Maybe even a beach movie.

Oh.

Tell him the title.

Krispy Boys Surfin’ Along.

Yeah. This thing is big, Bob. We want more.

More? Here’s more.

Let’s add a new guy. How about Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Boing?

Would you like to split your paycheck four ways with Boing?

Or I could just hire Poop, Slap, and Smile,

because I can replace this whole act…

[snaps fingers]…like that.

[breathing shakily]

He’s teasing. He loves you guys.

Meeting in the Krispy Cave, now.

[music ends]

[announcer] From the recently renovated Holiday Inn in Battle Creek, Michigan, it is the 1963 Bowl and Spoon Awards, the night cereal salutes itself.

Brought to you by Oscar Mayer Wieners.

When you are done with breakfast, we’ll be waiting.

[audience applauding]

[Mr. Kellogg] Well, whatever it is, my gerbil loves it. [laughs]

[gasps]

[enchanting music playing]

[Mr. Kellogg] Oh, Madame Cereal.

Miss Marjorie Post.

Well well, King Kellogg.

Good luck tonight, not that you need it, right?

Well, I don’t know. That fruity gravel of yours made quite a splash.

Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles.

Uh… I… Rick Ludwin, also with Post. I have been eating you for years.

I’d leave.

Uh…

You know we don’t stand a chance against you tonight.

Well, it’s been a very good year.

Oh, you should enjoy it.

It’s the ’60s.

Things are really moving fast.

What do you mean?

Oh, there’s always a surprise inside the box. Isn’t there, Eddie?

Huh?

[jazz music playing]

Greetings, Kellogg’s brethren.

Praise be.

Hey, Isaiah. You know Isaiah Lamb from Quaker.

Anything new nominated tonight?

[Isaiah] No, nothing new.

Original oats, original flavor.

Yeah, flavor.

[Poppy laughs softly]

What’s that?

Nothing.

You Kellogg’s people.

Peace be upon you.

Why do they keep showing up to this?

Mixing religion and cereal, why?

To keep sales down?

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Stu Smiley.

[orchestral fanfare playing]

[all applauding]

Oh. [chuckles]

[kisses]

I love this guy.

And welcome to the big Bowl and Spoon. How are you?

Look at you tonight. Somebody’s frosted your flakes.

[audience laughing]

Well, you know I love cereal people. I do.

My favorite thing is on the front of the box is serving suggestions.

Well, I have a suggestion for you. How about filling up the box?

[all laughing]

What’s with all the air?

[audience applauding]

This is gonna be a great night, guys.

And we’re gonna get things started here with our first award.

It is Best New Cereal Box Character.

And the winner is

Kellogg’s.

[exclaiming]

[Stu] Apple Jacks’ Apple Head.

This is all you.

Well, it’s everyone.

Me mostly.

Easiest to Open Wax Bag.

Kellogg’s!

Yeah!

[sarcastically] Yay.

Kellogg’s, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience exclaims]

Kellogg’s, guys. Come on.

Best Use of Niacin.

You guessed it.

Kellogg’s, guys.

[groovy music playing]

[audience continues applauding]

Heathens.

Let the grain speak for itself.

[music crescendoes]

[music ends]

I don’t know where I’m gonna put all these.

Why are they smiling over there? They’re losing everything.

Then the priest says, “Really? She was when I knew her.”

[laughing]

Maybe they’re just happy for you, Bob.

They’d be happy if we were dragged through the streets like Mussolini.

Mussolini? Come on, Bob. Lighten up. We won the night.

I don’t know. I feel like they know something we don’t.

And now in memoriam.

Let’s take a moment to remember some of the cereals we lost this year.

We ate of you what we could.

[“It Was A Very Good Year” by Frank Sinatra playing]

♪ When I was seventeen ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪

[sobbing]

[mysterious music playing]

[menacing music plays]

[mischievous music playing]

[kid grunting]

[thuds]

[truck revving]

[whirring]

[dramatic music playing]

[kids screaming]

[grunting]

[objects clattering]

[clanking]

[kids yelping]

[grunting]

[mischievous music playing]

[kids grunting]

[thudding]

[groans]

[engine revving]

[brakes squealing]

Hey, what are those kids doing?

Oh, they come for the goo.

Who comes for the goo?

The ones. The ones who come, it’s for the goo.

The goo?

The goo!

[truck hisses, revs]

[suspenseful music playing]

[dramatic music plays]

Are you kids okay?

Oh, sure. We live in nice homes and already had a complete breakfast.

But we come here for this.

It’s garbage.

[girl] Is it?

Or is it some hot fruit lightning the man doesn’t want you to have?

[boy] No, wait.

You have to have it like this.

[heavenly music playing]

Eat up.

[siren wailing]

[thunder rumbling]

[thrilling music playing]

[dramatic sting]

They got a fruit-filled pastry dingus.

Dingus? Who has a dingus?

Post. They did it. It’s some kind of jelly-ish structure thing.

Transportable, possibly heatable.

It might even be nutritious.

It’s not possible.

It’s like a balloon popping out of a steering wheel in an accident, insane.

I tasted it.

Where?

Out of a dumpster.

But isn’t this what your team was working on?

You said it was a dead end.

It is. We thought it was. Post must have cracked it.

This could sink us.

There isn’t a Kellogg’s cereal that would survive.

You’re in a tizzy, Bob.

Uh, look at these awards. We just cleaned up at the Bowl and Spoons.

Edsel, we own the Bowl and Spoons.

You know how hard I work to keep that from leaking?

It’s a sham.

It’s a good show.

Well, the show’s over.

You realize what this means?

Post will be the new king of Battle Creek.

Then what are we?

We’re lumpy Cream of Wheat.

I wanted to send my kids to college.

[somber music playing]

It’s, like, $200 a year.

I guess my family was right about me.

I’ll be the first failed Kellogg.

You didn’t fail. You have to do something to fail.

Easy on the insults, Bob. You’d be out of a job too.

I know. I could be a train hobo,

cooking meat on the end of a stick over a barrel fire.

You can’t say hobo anymore. They prefer bum.

Well, I guess that’s the end of my dream of having a real lawn someday.

Wait. You have a lawn.

It’s not sod.

I want sod. You ever see that kind of grass?

Thick? Really green?

They roll it out like Poppin’ Fresh dough.

That’s your dream? You don’t have feelings like normal people, do you?

Yes, I do. I feel fine.

We need to find out if this is real.

[pensive music playing]

I need Chester Slink.

Who’s that?

I’m on the phone, Bob.

Huh.

[announcer] Direct from CBS News in New York.

This is the CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite.

This just handed to me, some major news from the breakfast world.

The Post Cereal company of Battle Creek, Michigan,

has reportedly invented a shelf-stable, heatable fruit pastry breakfast product.

Shelf-stable.

Boy. [sighs]

More to come after this.

And we’re clear.

On a personal note,

Daddy bought himself a WHEE-LO.

WHEE-LO.

Goes away but always comes back for more.

Much like the missus.

[Edsel] This is Chester Slink, our head of security.

Chester, tell us what you found out.

Well, this footage was taken this morning by our man inside Post.

[snaps fingers]

[projector clicks, whirs]

[suspenseful music playing]

I can’t see a damn thing.

It’s the best we have right now.

We have an operative posing as a janitor with a camera attached to his mop.

Very brave, these men inside with their mops.

We believe this is what Bob was ingesting in the dumpster.

Clearly, it’s a fructiferous goo.

Perhaps pectin-based?

[all murmuring]

Pectin-based.

Pectin.

What are you doing? What’s that noise?

Get that mop out of my face.

Do your job.

[scoffs]

[suspenseful music playing]

[camera whirring]

[Bob] Wait. Stop the film.

[projector clicks]

That’s my research.

Yeah, it is. It’s possible they got a guy working in our offices.

[Edsel] Unlikely.

I recently doubled our security.

We have two guards now.

[vacuum whirring]

Uh… Can you do that later?

Uh… We’re in a meeting.

[vacuum powering down]

[camera whirring]

[man clears throat] Excuse me, but I am days away

from a fruit snack that’ll blow their product right into the deli aisle.

Is that a sardine can?

It was.

But instead of oily Mediterranean baitfish,

it contains yummy fresh fruit puree.

I give you the Kellogg’s Frui-dine.

[all groan]

Uh, this one appears to be compromised. That happens.

Uh… My team is also very close on something called Corn Gooies.

And that is?

It’s individual Corn Pops filled with creamed corn.

[all gagging]

And they’re gooey.

[all gagging, groaning]

Everyone out. Take that. Take that.

[footsteps receding rapidly]

Save us, Bob.

[door closes]

Whatever it takes. Whatever you need.

I need Stan back.

[Edsel] No.

No Stankowski. No can do.

Look, I know Stan’s not easy.

Not easy? Well, you couldn’t even deal with Stan.

We worked it out. We used a veto system.

Wh… What?

We gave each other the power

to veto anything the other person did that was annoying.

To reduce tension.

Smelly lunch orders. Weird belts.

Oh, that’s interesting.

‘Cause my company’s on the verge of total collapse!

That’s why we need Stan.

[Edsel sighs]

Does anyone even know where Stan is?

[announcer] Three, two, one. Ignition.

[“Wooly Bully” by Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs playing]

♪ Wooly bully ♪

♪ Watch it now, watch it… ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Matty told Hatty… ♪

[whooshing]

♪ About a thing she saw… ♪

[buzzer buzzing]

[woman] The alien is hostile.

♪ And a wooly jaw ♪

♪ Wooly bully… ♪

[woman] The alien is tricky.

♪ Wooly bully ♪

♪ Yeah, right ♪

♪ Wooly bully ♪

♪ Wooly bully ♪

♪ Wooly bully ♪

Hey, if you guys get hungry on the moon, I just came up with this.

It’s Twinkie in a tube. Ha!

Like I couldn’t do that?

I see in flavors, flyboy.

What do you do other than screw up and press eject?

[tires squealing]

Cabana.

[engine stops]

Can’t believe they leave the keys in these things.

Wow. You guys are really into the moon.

Been expecting you.

Post has really got you by the nut clusters this time.

Here. Try this.

[slurping]

It’s got a certain tang.

Ooh, that’s a good name.

But, Bob, I… I know you’re in a spot, but I don’t wanna go back to flake town.

What is so great about NASA?

They’re not afraid of the future.

I mean, we’ve got something here called a microwave oven.

Cooked a Swanson TV dinner in 25 minutes flat. That’s a fact.

Yeah, for seven guys.

I’m talking about happy childhoods for millions of American kids.

We’re going to the moon.

The moon. Leave the moon alone.

You look up, it’s there.

It’ll always be there. Don’t pick at it.

You’re jamming goo into tubes

for a bunch of chain-smoking Corvette guys with flattops.

They’re gonna go up, they’re gonna come down.

They’re gonna become alcoholics and get divorced.

The chimps are smarter.

Okay, how do you think Post did it?

I know how they did it. They stole our research.

I wonder if they used xanthan gum.

Xanthan.

I don’t wanna work for Edsel again.

You don’t really think you’re actually going to the moon, do you, really?

Going to the moon?

[laughing] No, I don’t.

No.

Let’s go.

Let’s go.

[sighs]

♪ Wooly bully ♪

♪ Wooly bully ♪

[mysterious music playing]

Are we in trouble, mister?

You just tell Miss Post about what you were doing in our dumpster

and anything else she wants to know.

Hello, kids.

Move.

So I heard you rascals went on a little treasure hunt.

That is our patented property.

Do you know what trademark infringement is?

Trademark infringement is a violation of exclusive rights of a proprietary brand

without the authorization of the owner or other licensees.

Now, you listen to me, Cabbage Patch.

You have no idea what’s going on here, do you?

Well, maybe you’d like to find out.

Ma’am, you’re not thinking of…

Bring me a box of the x19s.

But, ma’am, all we have at this point is an untested prototype.

I cannot recommend…

You cannot?

Don’t you see, Ludwin?

I’m about to finally crush that big red K that never stops glaring at me.

I hate them.

[music fades]

[twinkling music plays]

Where the hell are they?

[suspenseful music playing]

[epic music playing]

[exhaling]

[chuckles]

[fire crackling]

[Ludwin coughs]

Ludwin.

[bursts, crackles]

Ahh!

Must you be so dramatic?

Why does it smell like that?

There’s just a small amount of petroleum in this version.

[gasps, groans]

Forget the toaster. We’ll do it raw.

[toaster clatters]

We’ll do it raw!

I can’t believe I’m saying this,

but this is even better than what’s in the dumpster.

Better than what’s in the dumpster.

Just what they said about Grape-Nuts.

[pensive music playing]

We’re gonna need to use every inch of this place.

I take it you’re comfortable reinstating our veto system.

I think that would be wise, Bob.

Any issues?

No. Any issues?

No.

[Edsel] Here’s the winning team.

Milk and cereal.

Peanut butter and jelly.

Stankowski and Cabana.

Now I know we can take ’em.

You look good, Stan.

You look the same.

Well, I just lost 25 pounds.

I don’t miss it.

You’re not supposed to miss it.

Nobody misses 25 pounds of fat.

That’s what I’m sayin’. I don’t miss it.

Stan?

Why is he losing it? Is it ’cause he’s still sweet on Margie Post?

Would you leave him alone?

It’s not true.

Besides, a… a Post and a Kellogg could never be. It’s forbidden.

Doesn’t that make it sexier?

[gasps]

Okay.

I told you this one’s a little off. She’s not a company man.

I’m not a man.

All right. Let’s start over.

How about the three of us have a bowl of cereal together right now?

Sure. Why not? I could use a bowl.

Let’s bowl up.

Bowl time.

[“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli playing]

Ah.

♪ You’re just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can’t take my eyes off of you ♪

♪ You’d be like heaven to touch ♪

♪ I wanna hold you so much ♪

♪ At long last, love has arrived ♪

♪ And I thank God I’m alive ♪

♪ You’re just too good to be true

♪ Can’t take my eyes off of you ♪

The magic of cereal is you’re eating and drinking at the same time with one hand.

What we need to be able to do is recreate this euphoric gratification.

But in a completely new way.

Well, all of Kellogg’s manpower is at your disposal.

That is not gonna work. If we’re gonna beat Post,

we need the most innovative,

unconventional minds of the 1960s.

Well, think you can get them?

They’re already on a plane.

Well, he’s not.

And this guy’s on a bus.

And Einstein’s dead. But the rest…

[orchestral fanfare playing]

[all cheering]

Today, Kellogg’s boldly announces

that we are entering the race to develop the new breakfast dingus.

I’d like to bring up our head of development,

Robert Cabana, to tell you all about it. Uh, Bob?

[all applauding]

The brave men you see before you

have been through an unprecedented series of evaluations.

Each is at the top of their field.

Inventive, visionary, fearless.

[all cheering]

Soft-serve ice cream genius, Tom Carvel.

[crowd cheering]

Children’s bicycle maker, Steve Schwinn.

[crowd cheering]

Inventor of the Sea-Monkey and German immigrant,

Harold von Braunhut.

[crowd cheering]

Canned meatball whiz kid, Chef Boyardee.

Tightly-tailored physical fitness icon, Jack LaLanne.

[wolf whistle]

[cheering continues]

And from IBM, the smartest machine ever made,

UNIVAC the computer.

[UNIVAC buzzes]

I give you Kellogg’s first-ever taste pilots.

[all cheering and applauding]

[dramatic music playing]

[music ends]

[Bob] Questions?

Mr. LaLanne, is this kind of food really part of your health regimen?

Well, sugar’s poison,

which is why we’re developing something new called high-fructose corn syrup.

[all applauding]

[reporters clamoring]

Mr. Schwinn, why would you leave the number one bicycle company in America

to make some unknown edible item?

That’s what we’re doing?

[crowd laughing]

[reporters clamoring]

Uh, next question?

Mr. Carvel, your voice is so famously unappetizing.

Why did put yourself in your commercials?

Blow it out your trumpet, Sally. [imitates blowing trumpet]

[crowd laughing]

Tom.

[whirring and clicking]

[buzzing]

Mr. von Braunhut, where were you in the early 1940s?

That is for me to know and you not to find out.

[laughing]

Okay. Thank you, everyone. That’s it for today.

Excuse me. I was serious about the 1940s question.

Can we all just move on?

Thank you, and we’ll see you again.

[all cheering and applauding]

[inspirational music playing]

[brooding music playing]

[music fades]

America is gonna fall in love with those guys.

Couple rough spots.

How masterful was Tom Carvel?

You mean threatening a female journalist or wearing a dirty shirt?

Yeah, right?

Hey, what were those milkmen doing there?

Take a seat.

I’ve kept this from you two over the years

because I just didn’t know how to talk about it.

As we all know, in the beginning, farmers milked cows for fun.

It was just a gross white liquid

dripping out of some dimwitted beast

that was fun to throw at girls.

But when a ranch hand

named Milky Cashman spilled some into a bowl of dry cereal,

a million-dollar business was born.

You see, the smiling, friendly milkman,

that’s all fake.

[dramatic sting]

They’re a greedy, ruthless syndicate,

and they protect what’s theirs.

And we are currently developing a product that doesn’t need milk.

Wait a minute. What ever happened to Milky Cashman?

He was the first missing person on the side of a milk carton. Hmm.

His own goddamn milk carton.

Sorry for my French.

That’s not French.

What does this mean?

What it means is we’re about to have some very powerful people very upset.

Mmm.

I’m not afraid of those sour cream jockeys.

That kind of attitude could land you on the business end of a cow.

That means the butt.

[marching drums playing]

[whirring and clicking]

[suspenseful music playing]

Bob, this is Purvis Pendleton from IBM.

We really appreciate you guys loaning this thing out to us.

Tell you the truth, we’re kind of happy to be rid of it.

Oh.

[whirring]

Oh.

[whirs, dings]

“Hello, Stan.”

[whirring]

[dings]

“Nursed or bottle-fed?”

Neither.

Don’t answer that.

No, UNIVAC. No!

We talked about this.

[buzzes]

“Sea-Monkeys.”

“The real live fun pets you grow yourself”?

Come on.

[Harold] Here they are. So simple.

You pour them in, stir the water…

[clinking]

Behold, life.

Genius, no?

And it’s just dried-out shrimp eggs?

Correct. Worthless. Yet the little ones send me their allowance money.

Defrauding children. Lovely.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the children.

Although due to a cruel prank of nature, I can have none of my own.

[both gasp]

What are you looking at?

Don’t you see I’m pouring my heart out?!

[in Italian] Don’t send me back to Italy.

I have debts. Serious men want to hurt me.

That’s some good seafood.

I thought you said these were geniuses.

These were the geniuses that we could get.

I gotta talk to Jack about…

That fruit juicer in his pants?

[Bob] Yeah, it’s a focus puller.

Does he go on TV like that? Do they shoot him from the waist up like Elvis?

[Stan] I hope so.

[beeping]

[whirs, dings]

He’s right.

[whimsical music playing]

[inaudible]

So, how was your hotel?

Oh, it’s nice.

They’ve got me at the Holiday Inn.

[Stan] Can’t go wrong with the Holiday Inn.

[Purvis] Ice machines on every floor.

[Stan] Clean, paper bands on the toilet seat.

Classy operation.

Okay, so just to be clear, you want a smooth look.

That gets weird too. I’m not a doll. But I’ll be one if you want me to be.

Just do something. I don’t care.

Ah! You got it, boss. [chuckles]

[Bob] Okay.

[whimsical music plays]

[dramatic music playing]

They got LaLanne?

They’re stacking the deck with ringers.

I had them on their backs,

flipped over like a turtle.

How long before we’re on shelves?

We’re not out the lab yet.

We’re figuring out what’s causing the buttock rashes.

You are a rash on my buttocks, Ludwin.

We also need a name.

What’s the best we have right now?

Well, we’re down to three.

Dextrose Dillies, Wonder Gels, and Fresh Flatties.

Hmm.

Those are all pretty strong. There’s one clear winner.

Yes.

Dextrose Dillies.

Fresh Flatties.

Ludwin, just get those goddamn fruit flabby funk fritters,

whatever the hell they’re called, out the door and down kids’ throats.

But, ma’am, we haven’t even negotiated for shelf space yet.

Leave that to me.

I like Funk Fritters.

It’s fun. Zippy. Let’s go with that.

Or let’s go with this.

[yelping]

[wondrous music playing]

Do you think we should’ve hired people that know more about food?

Could have.

[Thurl] Trumpets, fanfare, alarums, for rehearsal is about to commence.

This space has been reserved for me and my players.

To do what?

Philip, a flyer, please.

“Kellogg’s Cereals presents Thurl Ravenscroft as King Lear.”

“Entirely reconceived and reimagined by Thurl Ravenscroft,

starring Thurl Ravenscroft.”

And then it just says “Thurl Ravenscroft” again at the bottom.

This is Shakespeare for the 1960s.

God knows, as relevant now as ever was.

[whispering] Couldn’t be more irrelevant.

[smacks lips]

[Bob] Thurl, you can’t be here right now.

I believe my contract is clear.

I play your ridiculous box-top tiger

in exchange for bringing some culture to the lowborn, dirt-digging Michi-goon.

You mean me?

I do.

Stan, thank you.

Thurl, you are our most important star.

Hmm.

But we can’t prioritize the high arts right now.

I see. How’s the lab, Bob?

Oh, the head temperature.

Great news. They think they can put a coolant pump in your jowls.

Can they?

No.

Hmm.

I like your Burger King crown.

I like your hairdo. You look like a telephone.

I like your patchy mustache.

I like your patchy mustache.

I like your cadaver teeth.

[brooding music playing]

Beware of entrance to a quarrel.

But once in it…

beware of me.

[music crescendoes, ends]

What are you, some kind of ding-dong?

And I’m gone.

Excuse me. Mr. Kellogg needs you.

A meeting of the five cereal families has been called.

By who?

Who do you think? Marge Post is making her move.

[dramatic music builds]

I’d like to thank you all for coming.

General Mills,

Ralston,

Quaker,

and Kellogg’s.

And thanks to Ernie Keebler for providing the Fudge Stripes.

Are the snacks complimentary?

Let’s just pay attention.

Right.

Spare us the frosting, Marge. Just get to it.

And that is why I called this meeting.

Respect.

We at the Post company have finally broken the fruit pastry barrier.

Because you stole our research.

Nevertheless.

Why can’t this technology be generic so that we all can wet our spoons?

Like we did with Raisin Bran.

Not this time.

These are my new terms.

From now on, Post gets premium shelf space.

Nothing near kosher foods or cat chow.

Saturday morning cartoons, I want Deputy Dawg and Snagglepuss.

Oh, come on, Marge!

And I want out of Claymation characters with religious themes.

It’s a snoozer.

Oh, you can put my name on those.

How do we know this thing is even producible in quantities?

You’ll know it when you see it on store shelves next week

and then flying off them.

Always a little surprise inside, right, Eddie?

[kisses]

[exhales sharply, gulps]

[chairs scraping]

Next week? I… I thought we had months.

[sighs]

What was that? You don’t like him, do you?

It could never be, Ludwin. A Post and a Kellogg, it’s forbidden.

[chuckles] Wouldn’t that make it sexier?

I hope you die in a car fire.

We’re dead. My legacy.

My sod.

It’s a bold move to put chocolate on top of a cookie.

‘Cause it’s something already sweet, and then you’re doubling down on it.

But I guess you can never get enough sugar.

[intriguing music playing]

Unless you can’t get enough. Pack your bags.

We’re gonna put a kink in Post’s garden hose.

[salsa music playing]

[Bob] Just so you know, he’s very dangerous.

And he loves live entertainment.

And he controls 99% of the world’s sugar?

He’s a very important man. They call him El Sucre.

Ah, my Kellogg’s friends. Please.

[Bob] El Sucre, so good to see you again.

Amazing house.

Oh, well, thank you. But the grout on the patio is not right.

These tile guys. It was supposed to be a white white.

It’s more of an off-white. They have to redo the whole thing.

They show you so many samples, you make yourself crazy.

You say I’m crazy?

[unsettling music builds]

No.

[music ends]

El Sucre, we want to significantly increase our monthly sugar.

Yes. My special white powder gets a grip on you, no?

But business can wait.

In this hard life, we must also enjoy, no? A little entertainment, hmm?

From Cal Neva Lodge in Nevada, please welcome Eddie Mink and Danny.

[Stan] Uh…

[El Sucre applauding]

Thank you very much.

Hey, Danny.

How about this beautiful house?

Yeah, if you don’t mind the bad grout job.

[laughing] Oh, he went right to it.

[Danny] What’s the big deal?

There are blobs. It’s all…

[whimpers]

Such a hard job, making people laugh.

But so important.

Anyway, gentlemen, back to business. Hmm?

[gun fires]

[Stan] Hmm.

El Sucre, sugar is why we came.

[El Sucre] Yes, it is why everyone comes.

How much are we talking?

We want all of it.

So you’re finally going to finish off Post.

That will cost you quite a bit.

We have something very big coming out. Money will not be an issue.

Oh. I know it won’t.

Because in my business, we have a saying. “Pay us, or we kill you.”

Appreciate it.

[El Sucre] Yes.

All right, then. Then there we have it.

Yes.

Okay. Thank you for, uh, you know, the spread and…

No, please. Thank you for coming.

And good luck with everything that you’re doing,

which we didn’t have a chance to talk about.

Next time.

[chuckles]

[El Sucre] Eh…

[Danny] I’m dying, Eddie!

[shushing]

You done good, kid.

You done real good.

I can’t believe he’s still doing the act.

He’s a professional.

Mmm.

[Edsel] You bought all of it?

All of it.

I mean, that’s a lot of sugar and a lot of money.

And you don’t play with El Sucre.

It’s going to work.

It already has.

[Edsel] Let me see.

No smoke out of the stacks. They’re not making anything.

Oh, this is good.

[smooth jazz music playing]

This is very good.

[dramatic sting]

[gasps]

Are you okay, ma’am?

Of course. Did you find us any sugar?

I might have something better.

It’s an artificial sweetener. They call it Carcin-O-Sweet.

A thousand times sweeter than sugar.

But the health problems are off the charts.

Darty eyes, gout, tongue loss, night terrors, night sweats,

and, our old friend, buttock rashes.

Stop.

Okay. Uh, what about this?

What if we completely change direction?

Eliminate all sugar.

Become the first healthy lifestyle breakfast brand.

Make a negative a positive.

For the children.

Imagine a new American generation,

fit, healthy, even-tempered.

So, what do you think?

[grunts]

[body thuds on floor]

[typewriter thuds on floor]

[cheerful music playing]

[both] Mmm.

[dog barking]

[suspicious music playing]

[dramatic sting]

[gasps]

Something I can help you with?

No, I was just admiring your rig.

Sweet ride.

Sure is.

You know, it’s the calcium in milk that keeps bones strong.

Uh-huh.

Without milk, bones can break.

They just snap.

Have a good day, Mr. Cabana.

Yeah. You… you too.

[pensive music playing]

[Bob] We don’t have much time. How close are the taste pilots?

They’re very, very far away.

Maybe they’re so far away they’re closer than they realize.

[sighs]

I don’t think he listens to you.

[Stan] What’s that?

I said that…

[Bob] Okay, Steve, showtime.

I haven’t been able to come up with any food things per se.

But I built this new Sting-Ray bike

that’s smaller and easier for a kid to handle.

What?

[bike bell ringing]

It doesn’t matter what you make. It matters what you call it.

Which is why we should call our new product Kellogg’s Puss.

Is that an ice cream cake of me?

Yes.

I see no wasted time here.

You got the nose right.

Well, in addition to our mission,

I realized that I was on the wrong track pants-wise until a friend set me straight.

That’s why I invented the Kellogg’s Sauna Suit,

foil-lined inflatable weight-loss pants that lock in heat and moisture

and say to the world, “Hey, eyes up here, not down there.”

[suit pops, whistles]

Inspired by his ravioli,

we have crimped the pastry edge square to hold the jelly in.

That’s something.

I call it the Kellogg’s Fruit Monkey.

[exclaims]

[Bob] Ah.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Stan] Ooh.

Whoa.

What do you do? Why is it moving?

[in Italian] I made Sea-Monkey ravioli.

They put the Sea-Monkeys inside.

I said strawberries, you fool.

Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.

I’ve entered all the data into UNIVAC to analyze.

[music crescendoes, ends]

“Post wins.”

[sighs]

I didn’t need a million-dollar abacus to tell me that.

It’s garbage.

All garbage.

[melancholic music playing]

Now what?

Now what? You were my now what.

These guys were your now what. You tell me now what.

[Steve] So, are we done?

I just moved my whole family here.

My… my wife is in a reading group.

She chose the book.

I was going to the moon, Schwinn.

I was going to Argentina.

[Bob exhales]

[clatters]

[boy] Ow!

Oh, hi, Mr. Cabana.

Butchie, Cathy, what are you guys doing here?

Why… Why aren’t you in the Post dumpsters?

They started spraying coyote urine to keep us out.

Oh, that’s a shame. Well, you won’t find anything good in our trash.

Oh yeah? Look at this.

What is that?

It’s stale Rice Krispies and melted marshmallows.

It’s a treat.

You know, Bob, we’ve been through this before.

When you’re dealing with garbage, you have to let go of conventional expectation.

Just combine whatever you have.

You kids sure get philosophical in these dumpsters.

Combine whatever you have.

[dramatic music building]

[bike bell ringing]

[gasps]

[music stops]

Boy, they don’t pull any punches.

You ever eaten garbage, Stan?

Sure.

You let go of all your expectations and just combine whatever you have.

Let me show you something.

Chef Boyardee and Sea-Monkey Guy,

the clever crimping of the pastry edge to seal in the filling.

Tom Carvel, the importance of the name.

Okay. Okay.

So, Jack LaLanne,

metal-lined hot pants, keeping his fruits moist and fresh.

[Bob] Yes. UNIVAC.

The punch cards, rectangular shape with holes in it.

And Steve Schwinn, sweet little Steve,

who invents things that are easy for kids to handle.

And maybe they can’t handle an oven.

But they can handle a toaster.

A toaster.

[snaps fingers] Yah!

Which means two-per-foil pack…

[chalk scribbling]

…rectangular shape,

crimped edges,

fruit-filled,

and a catchy name.

Press the handle down.

[gasps]

Stan, my friend, I believe we have split the atom of breakfast.

[epic music plays]

[“The Twist” by Chubby Checker playing]

♪ Let’s do the twist ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let’s do the twist ♪

♪ Take me by my little hand… ♪

[blowing raspberry]

♪ And go like this ♪

♪ E-yah twist ♪

♪ Baby, baby, twist… ♪

That Carvel does a pretty good twist.

That’s how his ice cream comes out.

Seems lewd, animalistic.

Girls love guys that can do the twist.

Why?

The shoulder motion in opposition to the hip rotation.

It implies financial stability.

[Bob] Mmm.

Oh.

You know, Boyardee, our Sea-Monkey creation is evolving.

I put him in an aquarium and he swam.

So happy.

It’s a miracle. He’s a real boy.

[chuckling]

[in Italian] Whatever he is, he belongs in a can.

[laughs]

So how close are we to an edible prototype?

I can tell you when we’re not gonna have it, tomorrow morning.

I need a pants chug! Whoo!

[clinking]

[all chanting] Pants chug! Pants chug! Pants chug!

[all cheering]

[curious music playing]

[mumbles]

[clinking]

[dramatic music playing]

[yelling]

[squeaking]

[dramatic music crescendoes]

[grunts angrily]

[smooth jazz music playing]

Sugar. We need sugar, Ludwin. What did the Hawaiians say?

They need everything they have for those pineapple rings.

Sugar Ray Robinson?

No, just a nickname.

Really?

If only we could get to Cuba.

Cuba? I know who may be able to help.

But he’s a short, ill-tempered bald man with a twisted mind.

Uncle Fester?

No. But I like that show.

Pack your bags, Ludwin.

We’re going to Moscow.

[patriotic song playing]

[tires screeching]

[song ends]

Thank you so much for helping us with our little sugar problem, Nikita.

[speaking gibberish in Russian accent]

He wants badly know, how hold up deal on your end?

Now, you asked for a fun American-style children’s cereal

for Soviet Russia, and we heard you.

But we’re not listening or spying or anything.

[inhales deeply] It’s no secret Russian children like beets.

So they’ll love

Borscht Loops.

[whimsical music playing]

Okay. Next up,

Krumb-Lins.

Nothing but crumbs.

[Marjorie] And, finally,

say hello to everyone’s favorite liquor-based cereal treat,

Count Vodkulas.

[in Eastern European accent] “I want to eat your cereal.”

[whispering] Shut up.

Would you like to try one?

Hmm.

[box ripping open]

You taste first.

People try to poison Mr. Khrushchev.

Try it, Ludwin.

But this has been out of our sight since customs.

Eat it.

[suspenseful music playing]

[crunching]

Mmm.

[speaking gibberish in Russian accent]

Is deal.

Terrific. When can we expect our first sugar shipment?

[speaking gibberish in Russian accent]

He says it all depends on whether you make the sex with him tonight.

Wow.

Ma’am.

Mm-hmm.

We really need that sugar.

You wanna do it?

No. But I ate the poison cereal and I’m fine.

[inhales sharply] Oh.

[cheerful music playing]

[dramatic sting]

[suspicious music playing]

[Mike] Quick question.

[gasps]

You think this milk’s still okay to drink?

What? How would I know?

[Mike] Smell it.

[sniffs, groans]

It’s not good.

What’s the expiration?

[body thuds on ground]

[in high-pitched voice] July 3rd.

[cowbell clanging]

[suspenseful music playing]

Rise and shine.

[cowbell clanging]

Welcome to Friendly Farms, Mr. Cabana,

where life begins.

[sinister music playing]

That milk you smelled expired five weeks ago.

Another minute,

and you wouldn’t be smelling anything right now.

Are you a milkman?

The name’s Harry Friendly.

And you might say I am the milkman.

You know the first taste a human being experiences at birth?

Applesauce?

Oh.

Milk, Mr. Cabana.

Right.

And in the milk business, we are not just part of the American dream.

We are the white in the red, white, and blue.

We are the cream that rises so famously to the top,

and you, Mr. Cabana,

have become the annoying white ring that sticks to the bottom.

Because despite all your years in the breakfast game,

you seem to have missed something.

[inhales deeply]

There’s no cereal business without us.

So you can see how it really frosts my huevos

to see you relieving yourself in our flowing rivers of white gold.

How long we known each other, Bob?

[smacks lips, inhales] Since you captured me.

Oh.

What to do?

What to do?

Ah! Just so you don’t forget about me and the boys here,

walk him down the aisle.

He’s a family man, sir.

I said the aisle!

The aisle? What’s the aisle? Like in a movie theater or a concert hall?

Oh, there’s gonna be a concert. [laughs]

[dramatic music plays]

[Bob grunts]

[cow mooing]

[flies buzzing]

[dramatic music builds]

[cows farting]

[holds breath]

[screaming]

[Bob’s wife] Bob?

[shower running]

[Bob] One more minute.

Honey, you’ve been in there for over an hour.

I’m sure you’re clean.

[Bob] But my mind!

How do I wash it out of my mind?

And how is my baby today?

Daddy brought breakfast, my yum-yum.

[suspicious music playing]

[dramatic music plays]

It’s gone. What have you done with him, you noodle-sucking garlic knot?

[in Italian] I have traditional holiday cake.

[faint tapping]

[gasps]

He’s in the walls.

[yells, gasps]

[pasta creature wailing]

Little one?

I have fishy food for you.

[in Italian] Fishy food for you!

Come and see.

[sobbing]

I didn’t know who else to call.

You did the right thing.

[gasps]

[Edsel] Oh.

Hey, guys.

What did they do to you?

They made me walk the aisle.

Oh.

Those lactose lowlifes.

Well, you’re not the only one to take a hit.

Our first payment to El Sucre was late, and somehow he gave me diabetes.

[Stan] I’m sorry. What?

Oh yeah. I just came from the doctor.

Ugh! Look, nobody said this was gonna be easy.

We had a day at NASA where we lost Gus Grissom

and our best space monkey in one accident.

And their dental records were so damn similar

that it was gonna take weeks to sort out.

Are… are you telling us there are monkey parts

mixed in with the remains of Commander Gus Grissom?

That’s classified.

[Edsel] But you just told us.

[Stan] No, I didn’t.

Yeah, you did. You were there…

You said it. I…

Enough.

Listen, guys, I’m out of the project.

What?

It’s too much. It’s gone too far.

And nobody cares about some stupid heatable breakfast rectangle anyway.

[rumbling]

Honey?

What is going on?

[chopper blades whirring]

Something’s landing on the lawn.

That’s gonna ruin your yard.

[knocking on door]

Are you guys Kellogg’s?

[Bob] Yes.

Orders to bring you to the White House. The president needs to see you. Let’s go.

Go.

Can I change?

There’s no time.

Ah!

[dramatic music playing]

[Bob’s wife] Oh!

[Bob] For the love of God!

[dramatic music continues]

[music ends]

You know, I had political ambitions, but my mom said I wasn’t likable.

Your mom sounds like a great lady.

The best.

What the hell are you wearing?

It was all they had for me. It was Taft’s.

William Howard Taft, first 300-pound president.

There’s a half-eaten Baby Ruth in the pocket.

Well, chew it slowly. That’s history.

[door closes]

It’s good to see you Kellogg’s boys.

I… Never mind.

Have you fellas ever considered calling a cereal Jackie O’s?

Just a pitch, but I think she’d get a kick out of it.

Thank you, sir. We’ll certainly take a good hard look at that.

Yeah, I’m kind of in the doghouse since you-know-who sang “Happy Birthday” to me.

Anyway, we have been informed

that those hacks over at Post are now working with the goddamn Ruskies.

Well, why would they do that?

Well, obviously because you nitwits cut off their sugar supply.

Now Khrushchev is trying to help them get it through Communist Cuba.

Whole damn island is sugarcane.

The idea of our American children waking up in the morning

to a commie breakfast pastry really burns my britches.

They were already burning due to the aforementioned blonde in the sequin dress.

You have to win. Are you making any progress?

Progress? Show him, Stan.

Okay.

[paper rustling]

It’s not to scale, but…

Astonishing. What are you guys, five years old?

Little John-John draws better than that. And I think something’s wrong with him.

Mr. President, to be perfectly honest, we could really use some help.

Let me get this straight.

Did you ask me what I could do for you?

Well…

Because I thought I made it perfectly clear in my inaugural address…

You did.

Great speech.

“Ask not.” What could be clearer? It’s two words. It means don’t ask.

So, not asking, but how about a story?

Once upon a time,

there was a really nice cereal company

that had a problem with organized milk.

Okay, I get it. I will instruct my brother Bobby

to tighten the screws on those cow huggers.

But not because you asked.

We won’t let you down, Mr. President. We’re gonna do for you like you said.

Oy vey.

[intercom buzzes]

[secretary] Sir, your next appointment is here.

Uh, who is it?

[secretary] The Doublemint Twins.

In the, uh, outfits?

Ew.

[secretary] Yes, Mr. President. They are in the outfits.

Gentlemen, if you will excuse me, it’s time for an, uh, executive privilege.

May I keep this?

Ask not.

Right.

I assume Jackie’s still out buying hats?

[“I’ll Be Around” by Johnny Copeland playing]

I tried to raise them up.

I brought them Lear.

And they shooed me out, like a fowl wind.

Well, it doesn’t bother me.

Trouble keeps me in business. I love other people’s anguish.

Shame. I had tickets for opening night.

I’m sorry?

I saw your 12 Angry Men one-man show.

Oh yes? I felt I never really captured the anger of men six through nine.

Profound nonetheless.

May I?

Mike Diamond. Friendly Farms.

Thurl Ethan Ravenscroft.

Those, uh, tickets are nonrefundable, by the way.

Uncouth Kellogg’s vulgarians. Personally, I think their product line

goes nowhere without those talented mascots.

Whoever they are.

[laughs]

Yeah, they’re all pretty good.

But Tony the Tiger, he’s the rudder on that ship.

Pathetic sugar shills.

Pathetic, I suppose,

if 14 straight quarters of record profits is pathetic.

Those mascot buffoons won’t be getting their four-finger mitts on any of that.

Well, now, that would be tragic,

especially with the kind of leverage they have.

None of my business, but I don’t think it’d take much for those mascots

to show old man Kellogg who’s milking who.

Really?

You think we could… They could?

As we milkmen say, “A little cup of buttermilk with the proper churning

can become a mighty cheese.”

Is that a fart joke?

I don’t think so.

Anyway,

never forget,

you’re great.

[brooding music playing]

[news theme music playing]

Breakfast wars ratcheted up today as cereal superpower Kellogg’s announced

they too are developing some sort of toastable whoosie-whatsis.

Coming up, tensions rise between the US and Soviets off the coast of Cuba.

Bobby Kennedy cracks down on organized milk.

And the Doublemint Twins are pregnant with twins of their own,

as the CBS Evening News continues.

[news closing theme plays]

[director] And we’re clear.

This is a real breakthrough, Corky. X-ray specs.

You can see into anything.

Except my personal drama.

A lot of tension at home.

A lot of tension.

[sighs]

Gonna be staying late tonight, Corky.

[dramatic music playing]

[mic feedback]

[music crescendoes]

I like these. I have astigmatism.

What is that?

Well, it’s a mismatch of the focusing elements in the eye.

Oh. Because…

Lots of people have it and don’t realize.

Really?

Look through the binoculars.

Does it seem clearer?

No, but it’s closer.

Fellas!

[exasperated sigh]

Fruit pastry launch system is go.

[epic music playing]

[breathing loudly]

Isn’t this overkill? Bunkers and space suits?

All standard NASA protocol.

Plus we’re using titanium foil packets for the product, just to be safe.

Steve Schwinn, you are a go for two in the toaster.

Two in the toaster.

[epic music continues]

[Steve breathing heavily]

Depress mechanism.

[Steve] Dingus down.

[exhales]

[man] Monitor coils.

[coils buzzing]

Orange.

What’s happening now?

It’s toasting, sir.

Come on.

I’m switching to manual. Gonna open her up a little.

What’s he doing?

Not safe.

What’s he doing?

He’s changing the settings.

He’s at five.

Six. Seven.

I don’t like this.

[Stan] He’s at eight. God, 8.5

Schwinn, lightly brown, lightly brown.

[toaster dings]

[gasps]

[Bob exhales sharply]

Proceed with caution. Fruit filling may be hot.

[suspenseful music playing]

[breathes nervously]

Well, pop a wheelie.

We’ve got a treat!

We did it!

There we go!

[laughing]

Whoo!

[oxygen hissing]

[Steve] Oh!

Oh! Oh!

No! [yelps]

Please, no!

[whimpering]

[exploding]

[all scream]

[dramatic music playing]

[music ends]

There’s nothing left!

Wait, over there. What’s that?

[triumphant music playing]

Is that a man?

Damn right it is. It’s Steve Schwinn. Steve!

No. It’s me, Chuck.

Steve blew up.

[both groan]

Don’t go over there. It’s gross.

What’s happening? Where’s Steve?

Steve was vaporized, but we had a funny mix-up with Chuck.

[bagpipes playing]

Grain to grain, cows to milk.

Some settling in life is to be expected.

Steve Schwinn, however, never settled.

[Thurl] Steve was gr-r-reat!

He’d like that.

Yeah.

He lived his life like he built his bicycles,

with little regard for safety.

[Edsel] Mmm.

When a man gives the last full-serving suggestion of himself,

only then is he truly deserving to be buried with full cereal honors.

[people murmuring]

Full cereal honors, Mrs. Schwinn.

That’s quite an honor.

It’s a great honor.

What is happening?

[squeaking]

Did you plan this?

I don’t know.

[sighs] ♪ Ave Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria, gratia… ♪

Last bowl, huh?

♪…plena ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Ave dominus ♪

[sobbing]

Why?! [sobbing]

Who… who was she?

[clears throat]

Snap!

Crackle!

Pop!

Snap!

Crackle!

Pop!

What is this?

It’s the prize inside, Mrs. Schwinn.

It’s probably one of those stick-on tattoos.

It’s not permanent. Just lasts a couple days.

Snap!

[gasps]

Crackle!

Pop!

You know, your husband died a hero.

Isn’t this a cereal company? Why did my husband explode?

Get me out of here.

She’s upset.

She’ll get over it.

Or she may never ever recover from the loss.

[Bob] Hmm.

Look, there.

[Bob] The milkmen, Russians, and the Sucre boys.

The noose is tightening.

Speaking of tightening, is that the Taft candy suit?

I took it in. What do you think?

You’re looking for a veto.

Do it.

Veto.

Fair.

Mascots, gather.

We have chafed under the yoke of Kellogg’s exploitation for too long.

I hear their new space rectangle doesn’t even have a mascot.

They’re phasing us out.

Indeed they are, good Crackle.

And they never cut us in. I ask you this.

Without our faces,

without our magic, what have you left?

A cheap bag of horse feed that we bring to life.

I say we cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

Are we getting dogs?

No, no, simple Snap.

The time has come for us to go on strike.

[all] Oh.

But if we have a dog, should we bring it?

[groovy song playing]

You know there’s a back seat.

There’s nothing back there. This is where the action is.

[crowd clamoring]

Hey, what’s going on over there?

Pull over.

Oh, oh, oh.

[song ends]

[JFK on TV] A Russian military ship has been intercepted

off the coast of the United States.

We believe it’s illegal Cuban sugar meant to destabilize a balanced breakfast.

I tell you, the wife’s a knockout.

Yeah.

I got the boys working on the Jackie O thing.

Her last name’s Kennedy. What’s that mean?

No, the shape of the cereal is an O.

Cheerios, Oreos, Jackie O’s.

[shushing]

He’s talking about nuclear war, you idiots.

[JFK] These spy photos clearly show some giant nuclear missiles.

We’re not too worried about that.

But if these ships aren’t immediately turned back,

I may go ballistic.

Not necessarily nuclear missile ballistic.

It’s more about how upset I am. There’s two kinds of ballistic.

There’s emotional ballistic,

and then there’s “everyone dies” ballistic.

[crowd gasps]

All right. That’s it.

Where you going?

This ends now.

[JFK] I know my way around a boat.

I was sickly as a child, so they got me a dinghy.

[smooth jazz music playing]

How did it get this far?

It’s breakfast. Things happen.

You know, we built that city right there.

Inherited.

Inherited.

And our bickering threatens to destroy it.

I’ve decided to release your sugar.

I’ll tell Khrushchev not to blow up America.

Will he listen to you?

Maybe, if I offer him something valuable in return.

Would William Howard Taft’s candy suit work?

I don’t know what that is, but I’ll give it a whirl.

Give this a whirl.

[“Let’s Twist Again” by Chubby Checker playing]

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

What do you think?

♪ Ah, you’re looking good… ♪

It’s feral.

It’s vulgar.

♪ We’re gonna do the twist… ♪

I like it.

♪ Come on, let’s twist again… ♪

Maybe we built these cereal companies…

Inherited.

…inherited these two giant cereal companies

to get each other’s attention.

Maybe we did.

♪ Do you remember when things… ♪

What are you afraid of?

I’m not afraid.

[screams] What is that?

[gasps] What?

[chittering]

[Edsel] Oh!

That’s just some new form of life we made by accident that we’re trying to catch

so it doesn’t reproduce.

You made that? Where did it go?

Eh…

Anyway, where were we?

Um…

Kind of in a weird mood now.

Wh…

[sighs]

[door closes]

[whimpers in disappointment]

[mascots chanting] Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey! Edsel K has got to pay!

What do we want?

[crowd] Dignity!

When do we want it?

[crowd] Soon!

[Thurl] What do we want?

Time to give those trench-footed fur balls a poodle cut.

[mascots] There is no lab, there was no lab!

Now we know, and that is bad!

Never mind that. Whoever gets to the shelves first is gonna win this thing.

All we need is a name.

Don’t worry. I got a couple of can’t-miss Madison Avenue ad men coming.

[Thurl] What do we want?

[music fades]

[ad man] Kellogg’s.

When you hear it, it’s more than a name.

It’s the warm embrace of home, of family.

And where does that family begin? It begins with two beating hearts.

[Edsel] Mmm.

Like two pastries,

alone in the dark, sharing a single foil wrapper.

Imagine a husband home from work.

His wife greets him at the door wearing a satin négligée,

leads him to the bedroom

with one flick of a red polished nail…

she ignites the coiled heat from a nearby toaster,

which is also eager to receive his now warm pastries.

[clears throat]

[ad man] Gentlemen, I give you

the Jelle Jolie by Martine Margeaux.

[sensual music plays]

Uh, you know we’re a kids’ cereal company, right?

If that’s all you wanna be.

I’ve been in your town for six hours. You know what I see?

Dead trees and sad, lonely women.

I mean, the choice is yours.

Raisin Bran and irrelevant

or provocative and revolutionary.

Who notices dead trees?

Shut up, Herman.

Genius at work.

Also available with a naughty hint of chocolat, Jelle Jolie Noir.

And, coming soon, Jelle Jolie Sensual.

With no packet at all, for those who dare.

Because his pleasure is also hers.

That’s not actually true.

Why not?

So are we celebrating? Carve up some of that Midwestern beef you’re so famous for?

Maybe lasso ourselves some thick-ankled Jelle Jolie

of our own in this dust bucket of a town?

Can… Can we think about it?

I’d say yes, but I don’t think thinking is your strong suit.

Tell you what, I’ll be retired on a bluff overlooking Stinson Beach

while you’re still genuflecting before the god of mediocrity.

Roger.

Glad I left the car running.

Why are they so mean? It’s just advertising.

[Edsel] I don’t know.

[Bob] I don’t get it.

What’d you just say?

[tense music playing]

Uh…

You will never swim the English Channel and then drown in champagne.

No, I wo… I won’t.

[music intensifies, ends]

So, where the hell is this Swinson Lake?

[seductive music playing]

What’d you just say?

I think you heard me.

Why don’t you come work for me?

Forget it, Florsheim.

I don’t come when I’m called.

Oh.

I’ll be calling you.

[gasps]

From a pay phone.

I’ll lend you the dime.

[ad man] Hmm.

[Stan] Hmm.

[inhales deeply]

Good meeting.

Now who are we gonna get to help us sell this thing?

I might know a couple guys.

And they’re local.

[Stan] First I think we just wanna thank you for your time today.

You’re the experts. But, uh, well, let’s get started.

“Fruit-Magoos.” What?

No.

“Heat ‘Em Up and Eat ‘Em Ups.”

No sale.

“Oblong Nibblers.” Mmm.

Tough room.

Look, the name is the game, people.

If we like the name, we’ll eat it.

Do you know if Post has a name for theirs?

I believe they were going back and forth between Fresh Flatties

and Dextrose Dillies.

Oh man.

Mmm, those are both strong.

[Stan] Give me a minute.

Hi there. How you doing?

How about you tell us what those tasted like?

The jelly, was it firm?

Was it oozy?

Did it coagulate? [snapping fingers] Come on.

I’m keeping this.

I know how to talk to kids.

[dramatic music playing]

We need to know the damn pectin content, or I’ll murder your family, your friends!

Take it easy.

I’ll drown your grandmother!

Why are you yelling like my dad?

[Edsel] I wasn’t yelling.

You’re right. I was.

It was him.

[Stan] My God!

[Cathy] You wanna know the truth?

I took one bite,

and it blew the back of my head right off.

It was the most delicious piece of pastry I’ve ever had, and I’ve had them all.

Well, you never had ours.

Give it to her.

[intriguing music playing]

Try that.

[music continues]

Is this a joke?

What?

This tastes like their thing. You guys made the same thing.

Everybody makes the same thing. Coke and Pepsi. Ford and Chevy.

The important thing is the name.

The name.

[Butchie screaming]

The butt machine got Butchie!

Ah!

[screaming]

My Rump Master!

[dramatic music playing]

[beads clattering]

[body thuds]

How many, Mr. Cabana? How many more have to die?

Get your hands off me.

Butchie, are you okay?

He’s fine. Now, what are we gonna call this thing?

[magical music playing]

You’ve got your name right there.

The first letter of each word.

“Toaster Ready Anytime Treat.”

“Put On Plate.”

“Trat Pop.”

Trat Pop. I… I kinda like it.

Now, that’s cool.

It’s a secret code name, like UFO or NASA.

Or bra, booby restraining apparatus.

That is not what it means.

I have reason to believe otherwise.

So do I.

What?

Trat Pop.

Let’s see how it plays.

♪ Kellogg’s Trat Pop ♪

♪ Yummy in the morning Yummy at noon ♪

♪ Yummy in the evening And under the moon ♪

♪ Kellogg’s Trat Pop ♪

♪ Toaster treat Ready anytime you like to eat ♪

♪ Put on plate Your tummy’s gonna celebrate ♪

♪ Yummy, yummy, Kellogg’s Trat Pop ♪

[whirring]

[Stan] So?

[Bob] What do you think, EK?

It’s gold.

[laughing]

All that’s left is the routine certification

by FDA rep Mr. Mike Puntz.

Well, that’s the easy part.

[all laughing]

[Stan coughing]

That’s nice.

[Bob] But what about those mascots?

[Edsel] Already dealt with.

[vehicles honking]

Well, Mr. Kellogg,

I think you’ll find this tiger

has claws.

[menacing music playing]

[mascots clamoring]

[woman] Let me out!

[man screaming]

Give us more, Kellogg!

[screaming]

[mascots chanting] Give us more pay! Give us more pay!

Cereal mascots,

and mascot patriots from across the land…

[mascots cheering]

…gather ye, gather ye, one and all.

[all yelling]

Fortify the perimeter. I want maximum resistance.

Send both security guards.

[receiver clatters]

Where the hell is Puntz?

I don’t know.

Oh, here we go.

Good morning, everyone.

Morning, Mike.

Good morning.

Sorry I’m late. They had me come through the back like a plumber.

Let’s go.

And I am… here?

Here.

Right here.

Right here. Yeah.

There you go. Let me just get you in there.

[grunts] There we go.

[all clamoring]

Yeah!

Yeah!

I have seen angry mobs gather like this before.

Where was I?

Do you know what they call us from up there?

[mascot] No, what?

Felt hobos.

[mascots jeering]

And carpet critters.

[mascots yelling]

This pen was a gift from a colleague,

and it was, uh, an accidental gift.

[Bob] We don’t care.

So…

Little Debbie here has treats and Desenex for any costume rash.

For it is time to fight.

[mascots] Yeah!

Let us show them what happens when cooler heads do not prevail.

[mascots cheering]

Yeah!

[yelling]

Mr. Kellogg, you should see this.

I was told by a prominent Kellogg’s executive

that they had created a mutant pasta creature by accident.

I wouldn’t eat anything that company makes.

And you’re the chairman of Post, their main competitor?

[Marjorie] Well, we used to be. But now that our new product,

the Post Country Square, has been certified,

we’ll be number one.

[dramatic sting]

They are about to certify a product that will replace you.

[mascots] Boo!

No! No!

So you had better fight like hell,

or you’re not gonna have a breakfast anymore!

[mascots yelling]

Let the fur fly!

[mascots] Yeah!

[all clamoring]

[horn blowing]

[yelling, grunting]

Get back!

[mascot grunting]

[mascot] Go! Go, little elf! Go!

♪ In the beauty of the lilies ♪

♪ He was born across the sea ♪

[mascot grunts]

[groans]

[yelling]

[grunts]

[groans]

[suspenseful music playing]

Strawberry.

[Bob gasps]

Ooh, blueberry.

It’s all one flavor, Mike.

We just changed the colors.

They’ve broken through the perimeter.

The tiger is pooping.

[dramatic music playing]

[mascots clamoring]

[mascot 1] Don’t let me go!

[mascot 2] I’ll never let you go!

[mascot 1] We belong together!

[screaming]

[body thuds on ground]

[mascot 2] No!

[all yelling]

Remember this day, boys.

For this is our company now.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop, our mission here is to stop the certification. Hunt Puntz.

[mascots chanting] Hunt Puntz! Hunt Puntz!

[Thurl] I love you all. You’re all very special.

[mascot grunts]

[horn toots]

When can you eat these?

Is this a meal?

Is this a snack?

It’s not anything if you don’t certify it. Give me that stamper.

Oh. [grunting]

Don’t do it, Bob.

You don’t have the training.

To do what? This?

Too late.

[Edsel laughing]

Ha!

I guess there really isn’t that much to it.

We are undone, boys.

[sighs]

Undone by cruel fate.

It wasn’t fate.

You had to stop at Woolworth’s for a tooth necklace and Viking horns.

Be very careful, Crackle,

or I will take a horn and joust you in the eye.

Dignified retreat.

Open or closed?

Closed.

[“Cool Jerk” by The Capitols playing]

Wait up.

You know, this really is a terrific product.

Thank you.

♪ Cool Jerk… ♪

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink tonight, Walter?”

Not if you keep talking.

They really outdid themselves with this one, Corky. It’s called Silly Putty.

It stretches, bounces, and by some mechanism not yet fully understood,

captures images of a printed page when you smoosh it.

Just getting this now, a riot at Kellogg’s.

Ooh, let me see that.

When the ink is fresh, it works really good.

[banging]

I pay the goddamn bills.

I’ll drink as much as I goddamn want to drink.

[Walter Cronkite] Breaking news out of Battle Creek tonight.

A violent mob of beloved cereal mascots

attacking their own company over a new product.

A product called…

[paper rustling]

Having trouble finding my notes here.

We’re all a little rattled by this story.

Oh well. I guess I could just

read it off my Silly Putty.

A product called

the Pop-Tart.

Wha…

Wh… What did he just say?

He called it a Pop-Tart.

[Bob] He read it backwards.

Pop-Tart? It’s Trat Pop.

Not anymore. Forty million people just heard Pop-Tart.

That wizard-faced news monkey screwed it up.

Isn’t Pop-Tart a little too close to Andy Warhol’s pop art?

Nobody will make that connection.

I just did.

Pop-Tart.

Pop-Tart.

I kinda like it.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the hell’s the difference?

Change the boxes and get ’em on the trucks.

[Roger] Pop-Tart.

That’s gonna sell.

[“Spirit In The Sky” by Norman Greenbaum playing]

♪ When I die and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ Gonna go to the place that’s the best ♪

♪ When I lay me down to die ♪

♪ Goin’ up to the spirit in the sky ♪

♪ Goin’ up to the spirit in the sky ♪

♪ Spirit in the sky ♪

♪ That’s where I’m gonna go when I die ♪

♪ When I die ♪

♪ When I die and they lay me to rest ♪

♪ I’m gonna go to the place That’s the best ♪

[engines revving]

[song ends]

[snoring]

[phone ringing]

[gasps]

[ringing continues]

Talk to me.

[breathing heavily]

What do you mean you don’t have any sales numbers?

Call me the second you do.

What’d they say?

Some kind of switchboard breakdown.

All the lines are flooded. On the damn day we launch.

All right, all right, calm down. It might just be a botulism flare-up.

Oh, I hope it’s botulism.

I just rolled out five million dollars’ worth of Pop-Tarts.

[phone ringing]

You better have some numbers for me. Spit it out!

[suspenseful music playing]

What?

[kids clamoring]

[screaming]

[sputters]

Really?

[dramatic music playing]

Oh my God.

[receiver clatters]

[exhales sharply]

So?

Did anybody buy the Pop-Tart?

[chuckles]

Every store in the continental United States

was cleaned out within 60 seconds.

What?

[kids screaming]

[Edsel] It was like a locust attack.

Kids are doing anything to get their hands on these Pop-Tarts.

Six stock boys were bitten. It’s a feeding frenzy.

It’s the name. No kid wants to be a square.

And a square from the country? Forget it.

We got to the moon.

The breakfast moon.

These things are the greatest two rectangles since the Ten Commandments.

[chuckles]

Hmm!

What if we add frosting?

Ugh.

Bad idea.

Yeah.

[Bob] So Kellogg’s was once again the king of Battle Creek.

And everyone at the company was happy.

[gavel banging]

[Bob] Well, maybe not everyone.

Mr. Ravenscroft, is it true you are a role model for children?

Yes, Your… Majesty.

Well, what kind of role model defecates

in the hallway of one of America’s most beloved companies and yells out,

and I quote,

“I’ve got some Kel-logs for you”?

[people groaning]

[Thurl] I regret that.

I had had a very large bowl of Bran Flakes.

[Bob] Harold von Braunhut and Chef Boyardee raised Eric, their pasta creature, as their own, eventually finding out they were ill-suited to handle a rebellious teen ravioli.

Eric! I told you to put the pool cover back on.

[Eric] Go to hell.

[gasps]

You hear the way your son talks to me?

Oh, when he talks back, he’s my son?

[yells]

Oh, you want to have this fight again, huh?

[Bob] Tom Carvel and Jack LaLanne realized they were both part of the same hypocrisy,

so they opened stores side by side.

I thin ’em out.

And I pack it back on.

[both laughing]

[Bob] UNIVAC was drafted and shipped to Vietnam,

where, according to those who served under him,

his ideas became even more unsound.

[thunder crashing]

[whirring]

[UNIVAC] The horror.

[Bob] After Bobby Kennedy squeezed the udders on big milk,

conspiracy theorists pointed to frame 263 of the Zapruder film,

which appeared to show someone delivering milk to a very strange place,

a grassy knoll.

Marjorie Post, one of the first women CEOs,

became an icon of female empowerment,

ultimately building a lasting monument to feminism,

which she named Mar-a-Lago.

[bell dings]

In the end, Stan vetoed Kellogg’s, her career,

and pretty much the whole culture.

Stan? You can’t park here.

You’re such a square, man.

What the hell are you eating?

Something I invented called granola.

And it’s gonna bury you!

[grunts]

That’s not bad.

Get a job!

[Bob] Not only was I able to send my kids to a multi-hundred-dollar college…

Nice sod.

[Bob] …I had enough left over for sod.

And thanks to the super success of the Pop-Tart, even I was famous.

[audience applauding]

Nice to meet you, Bob. Looks like you got a winner here.

Well, we love breakfast at Kellogg’s, and we felt it was time for something new.

Mmm. Now, why… why the rectangle shape?

Well, the pentagram was taken, Johnny.

[audience laughs]

By the devil. [laughs]

[Bob] Like everything else in the cereal world,

there was always a surprise inside.

[gun fires]

[audience screams]

It’s Andy Warhol, creator of pop art.

Your 15 minutes is up, Cabana.

Only I can be derivative.

[panicked chatter]

[Bob] And thanks to Stan’s titanium foil packet,

I was okay.

So I’m to believe the Pop-Tart packet could stop a bullet?

I’m here, aren’t I?

And that little ravioli creature, what the hell was that?

[bell jingling]

Ah. I was just having some fun with you. Anyway, I think someone’s here to see you.

Mom! Dad!

Come on, George. It’s time to go home.

All right, we’ll get you those X-ray specs.

[George] Yay!

[laughs]

Thank you.

Hey.

[gasps]

[squealing]

[George] Mom, did you see that?

[gasps]

Come on.

[George] Wait, what was that?

[“Sweet Morning Heat” playing]

Steve Schwinn, are you there?

[gasps] Oh ****!

Oh!

♪ But somehow it wasn’t ever enough… ♪

What works for us is choo-choo trains and Snagglepuss.

Yeah, I’ll get right to work on Snagglepuss.

[Thurl] They’re so…

[bleep]

♪ The moment we connected… ♪

I want Deputy Dawg and Snagglepuss.

Oh, come on, Marge…

[all laughing]

♪ I can’t keep myself together When the heat is hot… ♪

We literally have one job.

[crew laughing]

♪…just the way I like it ♪

♪ Please… ♪

[tongue whipping]

[gasps]

You wanna go, Carvel?

[sputters]

[laughing]

♪ You’ve got all the lovin’ I need ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Heat ♪

♪ Ooh… ♪

Karajeana.

Karajeana.

No. Karajeana.

He had a girl named Karajeana.

[laughs]

♪…reason, uh-uh ♪

♪ ‘Cause you know they all Just pretty much taste the same ♪

♪ And nothing ever had a season, uh-uh ♪

♪ Strawberry, Blueberry, Real plain Those the names ♪

♪ Those the names… ♪

Fruit flabby… **** fritters, whatever the **** they’re called.

[crew laughs]

This is a comedy. I get it. Sorry. I thought I was trying to win an award.

♪ I can’t keep myself together When the heat is hot, come on ♪

♪ Sprinkles and icing ♪

♪ Just the way I like it ♪

♪ Please… ♪

♪ Please… ♪

Give up the tarts, old man!

[gasps]

[screaming]

♪ Yeah, I want it Every single day of the week… ♪

Slow down!

Mike Diamond.

Frosty Tips.

No? Frosty Farms. Friendly Farms.

[crew laughing]

“Frosty Tips.”

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Heat ♪

♪ I need food that’s made By robots, baby ♪

♪ Heat ♪

♪ Not some top chef hot shot lady ♪

♪ Heat ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ I put a full slice In my drop top lately, hey ♪

♪ I leave it on my favorite setting ♪

♪ You know it’s three ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning heat ♪

♪ I want it every single day of the week ♪

♪ You’ve got all the lovin’ I need ♪

♪ Come on, give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning heat ♪

♪ I want that heat ♪

♪ Every single day of the week ♪

♪ You’ve got all the lovin’ I need ♪

♪ Oh, give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Give me that sweet morning ♪

♪ Heat ♪

[crew cheering and applauding]

[cheerful orchestral music playing]

[music ends]

[smooth jazz music playing]

[music fades]

[dramatic music playing]

[music ends]

[cheerful orchestral music playing]

[music ends]

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