The Palace
Year: 2023
Director: Roman Polanski
Writers: Ewa Piaskowska, Roman Polanski, Jerzy Skolimowski
Stars: Oliver Masucci (Hansueli), Fanny Ardant (Constance Rose Marie de La Valle), John Cleese (Arthur William Dallas III), Mickey Rourke (Bill Crush), Sydne Rome (Mrs. Robinson), Bronwyn James (Magnolia), Joaquim de Almeida (Dr. Lima), Luca Barbareschi (Bongo), Alexander Petrov (Anton, the Russian guest), Milan Peschel (Caspar Tell), Fortunato Cerlino (Tonino), Anton Pampushnyy (Russian guest), Irina Kastrinidis (Dubravka), Matthew T. Reynolds (Simon Faraday), Teco Celio (Chef), Michelle Shapa (Zoria), Davide Gagliardi (Barman)
Running time: 1h 40m
Release dates: 2 September 2023 (Venice), 28 September 2023 (Italy), 3 November 2023 (Poland)
Plot Synopsis: On New Year’s Eve 1999 at Gstaad Palace, a significant party unfolds, hosting an eclectic mix of high society guests. Hansueli Kopf, the director, juggles the whims of guests like Bongo, a faded porn star; Dr. Lima, a notorious plastic surgeon; the Marquise de la Valle, who favors her dog over people; Arthur William Dallas III, an aged tycoon; and the dubious Bill Crush. Amidst this, Russian guests led by Anton arrive, entrusting Hansueli with mysterious suitcases. The evening spirals into chaos with various misadventures: Crush’s attempt to exploit the Y2K bug for wealth, unexpected family revelations, and absurd incidents involving guests like Dr. Lima and the Marquise. Dallas’ untimely demise during an extravagant anniversary celebration with his young wife Magnolia leads to a frantic cover-up. The party peaks as Russian guests, now with Putin’s rise, plan to divide suitcase money, while Hansueli tirelessly resolves one crisis after another. The night concludes with Anton accidentally locking the Russian ambassador in the vault, leaving Hansueli to demand self-reliance after a day of relentless problem-solving.
* * *
The Palace (2023)
Transcript
Agree. Let’s set the record straight.
I don’t want to hear another word about this Millennium bug nonsense.
Phones dying, power going out, banks collapsing, or even planes falling from the sky.
The end of the world is not coming!
The calendar numbers will change, yes.
All four together.
But they’re just numbers.
Humanity has already been there.
At eight o’clock sharp, a large number of very important people will dine at our tables.
The mood in which they leave tomorrow morning will influence the lives of millions of ordinary people.
Our job is to make sure no one gets their butt hurt from sitting on a chair that’s too hard, let them stuff themselves with caviar to their heart’s content, let the champagne come out of his nose and ears.
It’s clear?
Did you want to make an observation, Tonino?
No.
I mean, yes.
I couldn’t agree more, boss.
I don’t expect anything more from you than our usual… courtesy, precision, and perfection.
Five, four, three, two, one…
Twelve hours to go.
Everyone get to work, ladies and gentlemen, get to work!
Too much salt.
Throw it away.
After you!
Very quietly. Delicate.
Here on the bottom.
As?
More on the bottom.
More and more?
This.
More on this part here.
She froze.
Push.
Stop, stop.
Come on, move away.
What a night!
What a night.
Can I help you, sir?
The key to my room.
What would be the room number?
I don’t remember, check up there.
Faraday, Simon Faraday.
Sorry, according to my records you are not staying here at the moment.
Please tell the register that we have been staying at the Grand Bellevue, every Christmas and every New Year, for 15 years!
I’m pleased, sir, then that’s where you should go.
Where?
At the Grand Bellevue.
It’s a short walk from here, sir.
It hasn’t moved an inch since 1912.
Gentleman!
Tony!
Yes, sir.
Can’t they see that it’s not centered?
I’ll take care of it immediately.
It is not a chair that moves easily.
Is heavy.
Excuse me.
Good morning, Mr. Minetti.
Good morning.
Did you sleep well?
Like a child.
I’ll have them put them in the ski room.
No! My professional Scotts? No thank you.
These little gems have already been stolen from me once.
Not here, Mr. Minetti, we can take care of your little jewels.
Do you know how long it takes to get them from Idaho?
I prefer to keep them under the bed.
Did you see it?
Bongo!
Bongos?
Bongo! She’s a big star.
Really? What did she do? Sh e-she He made hundreds of films.
Sex Odyssey, Sperminator, Pulp Friction, the list is endless.
Such a beast without a muzzle!
Excuse me.
Come on, little one.
Come here.
Come on, Mr. Toby, shit!
We don’t have all day.
Is Bongo your real name?
It’s a stage name.
I knew it.
My mother told me everything about you.
Ashley, come on!
Luckily, she wasn’t your grandmother.
You still work?
In private.
No more movies?
Ashley, let’s go.
I’m retired now.
Hi sweetie!
How are you?
My God, time is not passing for you.
And you, younger every year.
Get out.
Seriozh, bring everything to the suite.
Let’s go.
Holy shit! Holy shit!
What the fuck is going on?
Calm.
I asked for champagne.
Greetings.
What about the safe? Do you have a safe one here?
Sure, this way, follow me.
Please.
Do you want to fit a suitcase in one of these?
You can put the contents in several cassettes, or…
Of all those suitcases?
I’ll call the director.
What do you mean you can’t find my reservation? Are you retarded?
Is that…
Mr. Crush!
It’s a pleasure to have you back with us, what would be the problem?
This imbecile wants to convince me that I don’t have a reservation.
I’m sorry, there must have been a mix-up.
Maybe you forgot to book?
I don’t organize my trips, okay?
My assistants take care of it, and they booked twice.
One would have been enough, if she had gotten there.
Do you mean that my collaborators are lying?
Of course not, Mr. Crush, he has nothing to worry about.
We will do everything to find a solution.
Find a solution?
Excuse me, but the Russians need a bigger safe.
If you’ll excuse me…
Stop, he’s not going anywhere.
First he takes me to my suite, then he does what he has to do.
My colleague is looking into all the possibilities, I’ll be right back.
This is fucking incredible.
This place has become a dump.
Does he like some chocolates?
What?
Chocolates.
Chocolates?
Good morning, I’m Hansueli Kopf, the hotel manager.
I know you need help.
We have some delicate luggage that we would like to put in the safe.
Yes.
During the Second World War, the Swiss Central Bank stored its reserves here.
Absolutely safe, as you can see.
More or less.
We will change the light bulb immediately.
It’s been a long time since anyone came down here.
Don’t worry, Mr. Kopf.
Give me the key.
It’s absolutely out of the question.
Why?
Why…
It’s the hotel rules.
Change them.
I just want to drink!
The 214.
Girls… 210 and 209.
Are they connected?
As requested.
The bodyguard room is right in front.
We added two camp beds, I hope it’s not too small.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Do not worry.
Why those faces? So you can sleep hugged.
Thank you sir.
Mr. Tell, trust me, okay? I know how these things go.
When the bug hits, no one will notice.
For a long, long time.
No, no, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Let’s do this instead, let’s meet in my suite, and I’ll explain everything to you.
At 12.30?
His room is ready.
The number?
707.
Well.
Ok, 12:30 sharp.
All right, Mr. Tell, see you later.
Suite 707.
His room, sir.
Get that asshole director over.
Yes, sir, right away, sir.
Leave everything there.
He runs away.
Who takes the broken match he sleeps on the cot.
Damn it, I’m not even going in there!
Get one.
Dear Russians,
Today, on the last day of the outgoing century, I am definitively resigning. I have made a decision and today I address you, for the last time, as president of Russia.
Does your TV work?
But what the hell…
Can I turn it on?
Go ahead.
Can’t watch porn channels in your room?
In accordance with the Constitution, simultaneously upon my resignation, I signed a decree which entrusts the functions of the President of Russia to the Prime Minister.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.
For the next three months he will be the head of state.
Has he gone mad? Does he see me sleeping here, in this closet?
Can you see me pissing in that dollhouse toilet?
I know, Mr. Crush, it’s the worst room in the hotel, I agree.
But we have nothing else.
I offer you a complimentary bottle of champagne, with our apologies.
Do you know what you can do with that fucking champagne?
Do you prefer chocolates?
Listen…
I want you to listen to me, very carefully.
I’ll make a phone call, just one, and before you change your shirt, I will have bought your hotel.
Nothing else.
Wait a minute, I like that one.
I really like. You know what? I’ll take it.
No, Mr. Crush, this suite is occupied.
The guest is downstairs signing autographs.
Get out of my room right now.
Has everyone gone crazy in this hotel?
Othmar! Are we serving penguins now?
Penguins?
Yes.
Maybe with a little garlic and tarragon, we could sell it as shark fin.
No, Mr. Kopf, this is for…
Arthur Duncan Dallas “III”.
It’s not “III”, it’s Third.
Arthur Duncan Dallas Third.
To be delivered to his suite.
In his suite?
Yes.
Tony.
Yes Boss.
Do you know anything about a penguin for Duncan Dallas the Third?
A stuffed penguin?
No, a live penguin.
Wait here and keep an eye on… this thing.
Now we have to babysit a penguin!
These rich people… I swear…
At midnight they will lose everything.
Good morning, Arthur, here is your masterpiece, beautiful, transcribed and printed.
This must be an absolute surprise.
Now we just need some people to join the choir.
After you.
Hansueli! Perfect timing.
Come, come.
Good morning, Mr. Dallas…
Excuse me if…
I know you’re under pressure, but…
I will have to borrow the most talented of his staff.
I won’t keep them long.
Yes but…
I’m actually here for the penguin.
He has arrived?
Fantastic, it’s the highlight of this anniversary.
You know, Mr. Dallas, we have no experience with wild animals.
She’s the sweetest creature ever!
He’s my wedding mascot.
Do you understand? Exactly one year ago, my wife and I got married in San Pietro di…
Positano.
Positano.
We were in a lovely hotel like his.
And they had a penguin.
A truly extraordinary thing.
And my wife fed him from her hand, every day, at the table.
It has become the symbol of our happiness.
I’m beginning to understand.
I wrote a few words to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You”.
We need some beautiful voices to sing it with us.
To the penguin?
To my wife.
Of course!
With pleasure.
I’ll take care of it immediately.
Yes, well done, well done.
A wonderful sequined dress.
And he.
He is here!
Good morning, Doctor Lima, Caipirinha?
Hi, Luigi, you know I love your Caipirinha.
It will make the end of the world more pleasant.
The end of the world?
The bug, the day of judgment.
Yes, you won’t believe this nonsense.
Of course I believe it, I’m ready for anything.
I withdrew all my savings from the bank.
You don’t understand, she is an important person.
Doctor Lima!
I don’t want to disturb you, but I’m very happy to see you.
Do you remember me?
Gloria, Gloria Robinson.
She remade me a few years ago.
Yes Yes sure!
Her lips.
Her mouth, of course.
And her nose too, right?
Just a touch-up.
They call it “the Lima touch-up”.
May I introduce you to my dear friend Alice?
I am very happy to meet you, Dr. Lima.
I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.
But what an opportunity today!
It is a pleasure.
Could you make an appointment for Alice?
In reality, I would be on vacation.
Please!
Alice has a big breast problem.
She had surgery a little while ago, and they messed it up.
Yes.
What’s the problem?
Symmetry.
Can we do it, is it legal for the union?
Mr. Dallas is very rich, maybe he gives us a nice tip.
Do you know why rich people are rich? Because they don’t tip.
Fluff!
Fluffy, where are you? Your princess is awake.
In Magnolia from me
Yes, from Dallas Three
For our infinite happiness
A magnolia is filled with flowers
Best wishes, groom and bride
In our delightful room
My most precious treasure
It’s my Magnolia flower
Yes!
My dear!
Next year will be even more beautiful.
My God!
Is it really for me?
It’s all yours!
So cute!
Come here baby.
Courage.
Why doesn’t he want to go out?
Kitty, kitty, kitty?
Kitty, kitty?
Does anyone know how to treat a penguin?
I wouldn’t touch that bastard with a pole.
Attract him with food.
He likes fish.
This looks tasty.
Don’t touch the fish! Please don’t touch the fish.
Call room service.
Order him some salmon.
Not smoked, fresh.
Precy!
You come! Soon!
Madame?
Madame?
Madame?
Madame?
Madame?
Give her a slap.
Give it to him.
What do you feed him to make him smell like that?
Caviar.
He gives caviar to the dog.
Not good for dogs?
In India people are starving and she gives caviar to the dog!
She doesn’t understand, she can’t understand.
She cannot understand the pain of having a sick dog.
She doesn’t understand anything.
Please, Marchesa, calm down.
For Mr. Toby’s sake, we will find a solution.
I fear the worst, how long does it take for him to find a vet?
It won’t be so easy, Marquise, it’s New Year’s Eve.
Money doesn’t matter when you love.
She’s hysterical, there’s something wrong with that rat.
I hate that dog, call the vet.
I did, it’s in Kenya, on safari.
Call the one in Hinterboden.
She’s in labor.
What?
A cow is in labor.
Difficult birth, she is having a caesarean section.
So, what should I do?
He’s the only one who knows how to deal with her.
He has always had difficulty doing his business in the snow, ever since he was little.
She knows.
Yes.
He only does them on grass.
Allow me to remind you that we are in the Alps and it is winter.
You look at him, he’s shaking all over.
A doctor needs to see him immediately, it’s essential.
Yes, but, unfortunately…
I have an idea!
Doctor Lima.
But Dr. Lima is a plastic surgeon.
He has a medical degree.
Yes but…
He loves dogs.
He has two Saint Bernards, he showed me the photos.
Surely, he would call a vet for his dogs.
Doctor Lima takes care of his wife with such courage.
Alzheimer’s in a family is a terrible tragedy.
Yes, certainly.
But he will certainly want to help Mr. Toby.
Please give me Dr. Lima’s room.
Ready?
I would like to speak to Dr. Lima.
Sorry, there’s no Dr. Lima here.
Sorry, I’m here, my wife was joking, obviously.
Good morning, Marquise.
Not at all, I’m happy to hear it.
Excuse me.
I’ve only been treating humans for years.
I guess a look couldn’t hurt him.
HOW MUCH DAMAGE WILL THE Y2K BUG CAUSE?
Dear Russians, dear compatriots, today I was asked to become the head of state.
There will be no interruption of powers, not even for a minute, in this country.
Freedom of expression, freedom of speech, freedom of conscience…
Yeltsin was drunk.
He will wake up tomorrow morning thinking he is still president.
The armed forces…
…they work exactly as before.
Our state is unchanged and will remain so, continuing to work for the safety of every individual in this country.
With the decision to hand over his powers…
What’s the problem?
He never liked doing it in the snow.
He tried desperately to make me understand.
He has never behaved like this.
I guess there’s no other way to put it… he shit in my bed, that’s it.
I understand.
Do you think he feels something?
For example?
The bug.
The end of the world, obviously.
Animals have a stronger instinct than ours, they have intuition.
Marchioness…
He really won’t believe this nonsense.
I feel like we’re on the edge of a precipice.
I feel it with all of myself.
See?
The bug, the end of the world.
What else?
I’ll have to examine the feces.
Yes.
What did you do with the excrement?
What?
From the marquise.
In the laundry room.
With bed linen?
What were we supposed to do, put it in the dishwasher?
Find him, now.
Zula, seriously! You have no respect for the Marquise’s poop!
Found!
I feel like Cinderella.
Except we’ll never go to the fucking prom.
At least, not tonight.
OMG!
Thank you.
There’s more?
Thank you, Mrs Frautschi.
At your service, madame.
Madame, can I help you?
Can I take her suitcase? I’ll take it.
Can I help you, sir?
We came for Mr. Crush, to meet him in this hotel.
Do you have an appointment with Mr. Crush?
No, we’ll surprise him.
It’s here, right?
I’m sorry, but the hotel does not provide this type of guest information.
Would you like to leave a message?
I am her son.
I will notify Mr. Crush of your arrival.
Welcome to the Hammam Experience!
I am Baba Paramahansa Ravi.
I will take care of you, personally.
Follow me please.
You will start with the famous foot ritual in the Infinity Room.
Please know that I’m ticklish.
No reply.
No response from the room.
No response from his room.
Yes, yes.
You can wait in the lobby if you want.
Lobby.
Lobby.
Yes, lobby.
Good morning and welcome to the Palace Hotel.
Please, you can leave your coats and luggage with us…
Yes.
My name is Hansueli Kopf, and I am the director.
Do you want to eat something?
Offers home-made, smoked salmon, caviar…
Oysters, maybe?
Do you want something to eat?
A soup?
Where do you come from?
From Ceske Budejovice.
And is it far away?
Very far away.
Changing trains, Vienna, Zurich…
Do you have any soup?
Yes, plenty of it.
The girls are cold.
I bring some broth to heat them up.
Also add some ravioli.
What is your diagnosis, Dr. Lima?
Be honest, please, I’m ready for anything.
I’m not a vet, but I’m sure Mr. Toby has worms.
No!
Is it serious?
Do not worry.
It’s common among dogs, mine had them too.
I will prescribe a parasite remedy for you to be administered immediately to Mr. Toby.
But he won’t die!
Of course not!
Thank God!
However, there is a small problem.
I’m afraid you might have… the same disorder.
Do I have worms?
It’s a possibility, yes.
Worms in my body?
I’ll know for sure when I see… his stool sample.
What?
I made them of him.
PROBLEM: 97 YEARS + 22 YEARS = 7 AND A HALF BILLION ON THE TABLE
Fluff! Fluffy, look!
What?
We’re back on the cover.
Why do you have to take it so hard, Fluffy?
I couldn’t even dry my hair.
Hyenas!
Shitty scribblers!
Every day, all they do is write than…
you will inherit from me…
from tomorrow.
Don’t get so angry, Fluffy, your blood pressure is rising.
Honey, you just got one.
And without water?
Goes better.
Here it is.
Go tell him.
I?
Yes, he will take it better hearing it from you.
I would like a bottle of Bollinger and two glasses.
Do you want anything else, sir?
Yes, a couple of sexy supermodels.
They’re not on the menu, sir.
Gentleman.
His son is here.
What?
His son is here.
Son? I don’t have a son.
Dad.
Finally!
Hug me!
Who the hell are you?
It’s me, I’m your son! Vaclav!
Listen to me, asshole.
Stay away from me or I’ll call security.
Dad, we came specially from Ceske Budejovice to see you.
“Bude” what?
To introduce you to your family.
Family? I don’t have a family.
These are your granddaughters, Ivanka and Jaromira.
I don’t know you, okay? So, disappear.
They are twins.
We did artificial insemination.
Dad…
I wrote you many letters, remember?
I also sent you a wooden squirrel.
Cute, right?
Get the fuck out of me, you fool, go away.
Incredible! How can he be so cruel?
I am the fruit of your university love.
When you were in Prague, two days, this is the mother at the time.
Take another step and I’ll break your fucking nose in two, do you understand?
You gave her a keychain that says “Chevrolet.”
I’ve never been to Prague, I don’t even know where Prague is.
She is heartless.
And on a day like this.
Do you have a lighter, darling?
Please, please, please.
Let’s try to resolve this in private, please, there are other guests.
His father is agitated, it must be a shock for him.
He give it some time, don’t worry.
Penguin! Penguin!
Tony.
Yes Boss.
Mr. Dallas’ mascot wanders in front of the nightclub.
Take him away immediately.
Come on, it’s just a penguin, come on.
Please.
Here it is.
You’ll be comfortable here for now.
At the moment, it’s quiet, then we’ll see.
My God.
Can I help you, sir?
Thank you.
Good afternoon, sir.
Caspar Tell.
I have an appointment with Mr. Crush, at the bar.
Mr. Crush.
I don’t know him personally.
Can someone take me to him?
Certain.
Mr. Crush in the lobby.
He follows him.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Thank you.
Mr. Crush?
Mr. Tell! Please sit down.
Yes.
I was afraid I wouldn’t recognize her from the photos.
The photos?
Well, I’m a scrupulous person.
The bank always screens potential customers.
Yes, good to know.
Doing checks is… I really appreciate it, believe me.
Look, I know he needs to get back to the office, but…
Today is a very special day.
Will you drink some champagne with me?
Yes, please.
Thank you.
Done.
I should not…
Health.
Health.
Thanks for the invitation, Mr. Crush.
I was here when I was seven.
With my first class and we met Santa Claus.
I’ve always wanted to go back.
Did he bring that little thing we talked about?
Well, that’s the point, Mr. Crush.
I did an additional check on his portfolio after our phone call.
The math doesn’t quite add up.
Do you understand? There appears to be a difference of three zeros.
Three zeros.
Caspar, listen to me.
Computers all over the world will crash for a difference of zeros.
There will be the zeros of 2000, all zeros, zeros here, zeros there…
The world will be full of zeros, who will notice a couple more zeros?
I, I mean it’s part of my job to notice these things.
I have been a bank auditor for 31 years.
Exactly.
Look, by this time tomorrow, we will
be two of the richest men on the planet.
Shall we have a drink? Health.
Health.
You know what?
Here the walls have ears, what do you say… to go to the terrace?
People think that the new year begins at a specific time.
At the stroke of midnight, fine, but midnight where?
In Tokyo, in Hawaii, here?
New Year’s Day repeats itself for 24 fucking hours, Caspar.
So, listen to me, do your part this afternoon, the rest is easy.
The funds are transferred to London, then to New York, Los Angeles, Honolulu… arriving at their destination every time before they are sent.
Well, I guess if the credit was posted before the debit, assuming the amount is credited before…
Let’s travel back in time, Caspar.
Like a science fiction thriller.
Clear? Let’s put this tired, old century into suspended animation.
Agree? And then, boom!
Here comes 2000, bang! It comes again and again.
The whole system resets, okay?
Thanks, Millennium Bug, cheers, brother!
Cheers.
Who is she?
I’m the plumber, Mr. Kopf called me.
To do what?
To put weed in his bathroom.
A truly wonderful idea, Hansueli.
Thanks thanks thanks.
Would you like something to drink?
Gentleman?
Yes?
Would you like something to drink?
No.
Mr. Minetti!
Ski storage.
Please come.
Damn snowboarders!
OMG! Take off his boots!
Get some ice from the bar, quick! Please have a seat.
Come here, quick, leave here, here comes the ice.
What happened?
Snowboarders!
Mr. Minetti needs a doctor, immediately.
A doctor? Why?
A thousand thanks.
Thank you Madam.
What is your name?
Karol.
Czech?
Polish, like the Pope.
Dad?
Yes.
Dogs like to play, don’t they?
Please?
He has a beautiful dog.
But… where did he find it?
He’s not mine.
The hotels! You never know who slept there before you.
Yes.
Toby.
Put it down!
Ok, I… I’m going.
Better go now.
Happy New Year, Karol.
Happy New Year to you too, madame.
Is there a special party for the staff downstairs?
No, we work all night.
What if my bathroom drain gets clogged, for example… at four in the morning?
I’d come right away.
So, come.
Doctor Lima, do you know our favorite actor, Mr. Minetti?
Yes, we met at the bar.
Treasure! How I missed you!
Come with me, dear.
Let’s go and rest for a while.
Haven’t I seen you on television, dear?
Sit down, I’ll bring you something to drink.
I can’t, there’s so much to do downstairs.
Come on, not even a drop?
Alright then.
Maybe I deserve a drop.
Of course!
Here we go, the year 2000!
Health.
Health.
Health.
So, will I have to go to the big party tonight with a blindfold?
Well, we have to put something on it.
He’ll look like that actor from that movie, that actor with the bandage on his nose.
What movie was it?
Yes, yes, yes, it was…
Chief.
Speaks.
There’s a problem in the kitchen.
Obviously, I’m coming.
The last glass?
Yes, very fast.
Another one for her too, double.
Double?
Goodbye.
Health.
Let’s get rid of the thought.
He must have played the role of the doctor more than once, right?
Never.
It’s such a cliché.
Are the screenplays for his films by him?
Yes, sometimes I write them.
I was a producer.
Now I don’t hurt her.
I just need to measure the displacement of the bone.
Relax, think of something beautiful.
Maybe his next film.
Nothing scheduled.
I’ll let you know if I do anything.
Did you know that bats have a bone in their penis?
Really?
In your work it could reveal itself precious.
It’s so dark in here, Fluffy, I thought you liked watching me.
Wonderful!
The Big Dipper!
Come love.
I have a star in the sky… all for you.
The most precious necklace in the world for my most precious princess.
Turn around.
She raises her hair.
Are you going to give me this blowjob now or not?
Try, one, two, three…
Trial.
Do you like oysters?
Yes, I like them, and so does my wife.
The club opens soon, but I have a place where you can hang out for a while.
Then we’ll see what to do.
You are very kind, Mr. Hansueli Kopf.
I told him.
Too high?
Come, come.
Sit down, the children’s entertainment will end soon.
You can rest here for a while, then we will find you a better place.
They like it here.
Yes, I imagined so.
I also have twin girls.
Really?
Yes.
How much do they have?
They are big.
Yes, can I do anything else for you?
I would like to call my mother, to tell her that we are fine.
Of course, you can use my phone.
Thanks, I’ll take a moment.
No, take your time.
Thank you.
Mom, it’s me, Vaclav!
We’re in dad’s hotel!
Yes, he says hello.
Reminiscent of the Chevrolet key fob.
It’s just like me.
Except it’s orange, because of the sun of California.
He could come to Budejovice.
Would be great.
I’ll call you back when I’m with him again.
I kiss you.
Thank you, Mr. Kopf.
Yes…
Enjoy yourselves.
Thank you.
Fluffy?
Fluffy, are you okay?
Fluffy?
So what’s up cutie?
Arthur!
Arthur, answer!
My God!
My God!
All right.
Okay, nothing…
Don’t panic.
Don’t panic.
God, Magnolia, think!
Concierge.
Hello, I’m Mrs. Dallas.
Mrs. Dallas, what can I do…
Can I speak to Mr. Kopf?
I’ll look for him, can I call you back?
No, I’m waiting on the line.
It’ll take a few minutes.
It doesn’t matter, I’m not going anywhere.
Mrs. Frautschi.
My God, what happened here?
A guest flushed all of his bank statements down the toilet.
The bank statements?
Another bug madness.
Mrs Frautschi, are you aware of the Czech family?
She made sure the whole hotel knows about them.
Find him a place to sleep.
On a day like this?
I can’t work miracles.
I know.
Just put four mattresses in a quiet corner, please.
Boss?
Yes, speak.
Mrs. Dallas asks for you.
I arrive.
Who is she?
It’s me, madame, Hansueli Kopf.
Is he alone?
Yes.
Come, I’m in the bedroom.
Come closer, please.
Good evening, what can I do for you?
Arthur told me that you are a trustworthy person.
Can I trust you?
Certainly.
Do you promise me?
Absolutely.
I’m in a terrible situation.
You’re the only one who can help me, I think.
My beloved husband is gone.
Oh God, did she leave her? Did he leave on your anniversary?
No, he… he’s gone forever.
Just when our happiness was reaching its peak.
At least, I think, anyway…
Now he is gone permanently.
Goodness, goodness, this…
This is… this is… this is terrible.
He’s… I mean, like… he’s dead?
The most terrible thing… it’s that I can’t separate myself from him.
Of course, I understand, I’m so sorry.
I can only imagine how he feels.
No, no, that’s not the point.
In Texas they would say my husband died while riding, and…
I can’t… disassemble.
Hate! Oh God, I’m calling the ambulance right away.
No, no, no! Just help me down, please.
Please…
OK, very good.
Just give me a moment, I…
I understand the situation perfectly, I’ll be right back.
All right.
Really?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, professor.
And happy New Year.
I was advised an effective way out of this situation.
Could you expose part of your abdomen?
It would be better if he closed his eyes.
Oh God!
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Kopf, truly, with all my heart.
Well… do you want me to organize it?
No! No, please.
Not yet, there is another delicate issue.
Yes?
No one must know until midnight.
Till midnight? For religious reasons?
You don’t read tabloid magazines.
No, I try to avoid it.
For legal reasons… no, wait.
It’s a quibble.
I do not understand.
Today is our anniversary.
Yes, certainly.
We sang and there was a penguin.
According to the will, I have the chance to inherit everything, but only after exactly one year of marriage.
All?
All.
All or nothing!
Well, sure, I understand.
Cleaning service!
Maid service, ma’am?
Excuse me, would you like cleaning service, ma’am?
Cleaning service?
Arthur, we don’t need maid service, do we?
No? No thank you.
Would you like some chocolates?
Chocolates?
Of course, my husband loves these chocolates.
I wish you a good evening.
Thank you.
I want absolute discretion.
Something serious?
Yes.
How serious?
Very serious.
A vertical start.
Who?
Dallas Third.
Fuck!
The attic?
Yes.
It will take place during the fireworks.
Excellent, Mrs Frautschi, excellent.
Will you dim the lights for the fireworks, as usual?
Immediately after the cowbells.
Turn them off completely.
Welcome, I wish you a wonderful evening.
The overcoat.
Thank you.
Good evening, Mr. Madoff.
I wish you a wonderful evening and a happy new year.
Thank you sir.
His name, please?
Tell, Caspar Tell.
Apparently he’s not on the list.
I gave her the invitation.
Yes, but his name has to be on the list anyway.
You invited me Mr. Crush, William Crush.
Here I have “Mr. Crush and Mrs. ”
I’m his lady.
Obviously I’m not a lady, I’m his companion…
In short, I am his lady…
I understand perfectly. Welcome, Mr. Tell.
Thank you.
We are business partners.
Certain.
I wish you a wonderful evening.
Good evening, madam.
Thank you.
Here’s my man!
Mr. Crush.
Let’s celebrate, huh?
Do we deserve to celebrate?
Yes.
Happy to lend a hand, brother.
Excuse me, ma’am, sit here.
Two champagnes.
It was pretty easy, really.
I was surprised at how easy it was.
Well…
Do you know what’s the important thing you learned today, my friend? Is that… the best things are easy.
Okay? Trust me.
I’m doing.
I trust her.
I think I should trust now.
Well, what do we do now? When are we leaving?
Tomorrow.
What?
I don’t think I’m ready for tomorrow.
I haven’t told my mother yet, I have to pack, organize everything, I have to… Mr. Crush…
Call me Bill.
Alright, alright, Mr. Crush…
I mean, Bill.
Here’s to trust, okay?
Okay.
To trust, Bill.
To trust.
Good evening.
Let’s go, darling.
It’s beautiful.
Yes.
Welcome, Your Excellency.
I hope our sudden arrival wasn’t a problem.
Not at all, it’s a real honor, his group is already at the table.
Do you want to join them immediately or would you prefer an aperitif at the bar first?
I’ll join them at the table.
Follow me.
Good evening, Mr Ambassador!
Do you want to announce my presence worldwide?
Sit down and shut up.
Everything is fine?
Certain.
No problem?
Nobody.
You have everything?
Yes.
Where?
In the safe.
Where?
Downstairs.
The key?
Let’s check.
I leave my wife here, you leave your friends.
Just you and me.
Behave yourself.
Guys, take care of Mrs. Belova.
Irina Anatolievna, do you like it?
That’s how it’s done!
Here’s to the health of Irina Anatolievna!
To her mother!
And to her grandmother!
To her dog!
To her father!
And to his grandfather!
To all of her family!
Are you crazy?
I’m sorry, we couldn’t do more.
And it wasn’t easy.
We had to search the warehouse for the right table and move the others.
Well, move them further, and give me a decent table.
This table isn’t bad, Mister… Bill.
In fact, I think it’s quite beautiful.
Shut up.
And… I remind you that you didn’t book.
No, she didn’t book.
Listens…
I don’t sit at this table.
I’ll see what I can do, sir.
Mr Ambassador, assuming you are still ambassador,
in Russia the situation has changed.
New president means new possibilities.
Honestly, I would like to review our agreement.
We have all taken risks, so we need to do the math again.
I understand that you may not like my point of view.
You listen…
We are three, plus three… bodyguards.
And you, with all due respect to your lady, are alone.
Are you sure?
Yes, I’m very sure of it.
I want to renegotiate.
I listen to you.
Fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty.
Here is my counter-proposal.
Just take one while
I’m still in a good mood.
Sooner or later, my colleagues and I will share the Russian cake, as usual.
And if we want to find you, we will find you even on the most remote Hawaiian island.
Two?
Don’t insist, son.
Don’t insist, my patience is not infinite.
I was joking… I was joking.
Were you joking? The key.
Let me see.
Good job.
Well, as soon as you’re done…
It’s the third time today!
Come out, you sons of bitches!
Here it comes!
Caviar galore!
Here she is.
Darling, you are spectacular!
Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!
Where is the lucky one?
Arthur…
Arthur sends you his apologies.
He didn’t sleep a wink last night.
I know something.
He decided to take a nap, but he will join us soon.
He wants to have a beauty sleep before surprising us.
As handsome as Sean Connery.
How are you, my dear?
It’s such an important day.
Especially for you.
It’s like this…
It’s hard to put it into words.
We were so happy.
We are, we are… so happy, and always will be.
Welcome back.
How did he get drunk? I was gone for five minutes.
Friends, I propose to toast our new leader, that he will take care of us for many, many… years!
What?
I was wondering if I can bring my mother!
I can’t leave her alone, she only has me.
Your mother?
Yes, my mother!
Sure, she brings your mother, she brings whoever you want, I don’t care.
Really? You’re very kind, Bill, I can’t…
She will die soon.
She is 98 years old, I think she will die soon.
Well.
And she likes the heat.
The warm weather! I’m saying she likes the heat.
The heat, to my mother…
My mom likes the heat, so…
FIRST YEAR OF HAPPINESS
I better go check on Arthur, he’ll be awake by now.
We’re coming with you, darling.
Let’s all go.
We’ll give him a surprise.
No, no, no! It’s a terrible idea.
You know Arthur, he just gets embarrassed by being seen without a bow tie.
Okay, let’s wait here, patiently.
But hurry.
We won’t touch the cake.
We definitely come down for the fireworks, Arthur loves them.
I have to go to the bathroom, Bill.
I really have to.
Now? And the caviar?
No, sorry, Bill, I…
Excuse me, excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
I’m so sorry.
Excuse me, I’m so sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, I’m sorry.
Excuse me.
He Be more careful.
Yes, ma’am, sorry.
Oh God!
What have you done, Caspar?
What have you done? How could you?
After all these years of diligence, what were you thinking?
I deserve it.
I see penguins, I hear voices…
Let me take a shot.
Look at that poor puppy! He is waiting for his mom.
For sure, she needs help.
Hi, I’m your mom.
Help yourself.
After you!
No, I don’t smoke cigarettes.
But is it marijuana?
Marijuana!
I smoke marijuana!
I smoke marijuana!
I deserve it, you know?
Mom gives you permission.
My name is… my name is…
You are so cute!
Caspar, Caspar Tell.
It’s my name.
I’m Natasha and this is Zoijka.
I am the woman of your dreams.
Fuck.
Oh shit.
I know you.
Holy shit!
You don’t mind, do you? You will be used to it.
Do you know what? I’m happy to be able to see it with my own eyes.
I never hid it.
You got a monster down there, brother.
Allow me a question, it’s…
Is it true that he is insured for five million dollars?
It was, when he was earning.
I wouldn’t spend a cent on it now.
It doesn’t get hard, does it? What purpose does it serve?
You can work at the circus.
Anything special, sir?
Yes, very special.
Do you want to know why?
Certain.
Because I can afford it.
He can afford it.
Good for you, sir.
That’s beautiful!
I… I want that one, please.
Excellent choice, sir.
Do you like that one?
Yes, yes!
Bollinger, 1938.
1938.
Our only bottle.
Good boy!
One of the best champagnes money can buy.
You can’t imagine who invited me tonight.
I was invited by Mr. Crush himself.
Who is?
Who?
Don’t you know Mr. Crush?
There he is! Mr. Crush! Here!
This is Mr. Crush…
Caspar!
My partner!
Duties? Your mother is worried.
She looked for you everywhere.
I’ll call you a taxi, get out of here.
Where did you get tanned, in Brazil?
It’s natural.
Dominican Republic?
Natural?
I’ll be right back, Billy.
Your guest charged this to your room, can you sign?
Twelve thousand and four hundred…
It’s a joke?
It is a unique vintage, Bollinger collection, 1938.
Well, stick 1938 up your ass.
I’m sure I’ve seen it somewhere.
After you.
Okay, okay. As.
My God.
My God!
OMG! Don’t hurt him.
Please, for heaven’s sake!
My condolences, Mrs. Dallas.
Mine too, he was such a kind man.
You know what to do, Mrs Frautschi, don’t you?
Of course, Mr. Kopf.
Don’t forget the Czechs, their accommodation is ready.
My God, the Czechs.
Yes, yes.
He would have liked to watch the fireworks.
Finally, your accommodation is ready.
You will have clean sheets, mattresses, and you will be warm.
Thank you, Mr. Kopf, thank you!
We want to invite you to Ceske Budejovice.
We have two rooms, you can have one to yourself.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What did he do to me?
We are happy to see you again!
Doctor Lima!
Watch!
She has arranged them so well, that she can no longer distinguish them.
Happy New Year!
Have you seen a strange short ass pass by here?
He has a cone hat like yours.
And she was with three beautiful Russian models.
Happy New Year!
Well, come, come, come.
Please.
Try that way.
Here.
Dad!
Mr. Crush!
He fainted from emotion.
Damn, it’s a heart attack!
Tonino, Tonino!
Olivia! Olivia, can you hear me?
Try mouth-to-mouth, I’ll call an ambulance right away.
Mouth to mouth?
Yes, yes, quickly!
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Excuse me.
Ten.
Nine
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four, three.
Two, one.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Tony!
Yes Boss.
Now!
The bug!
It’s really happening.
Nostradamus was right, it’s the end of the world!
My God, this really happens!
What happens? Look around, they do this every year.
It’s all right, it’s all right.
Arthur! Sweetness!
Happy New Year!
We survived the bug!
I told you it was just a hoax.
Happy New Year, Amanda, Arthur is really exhausted.
Well, of course.
You realize?
That old fucking snob!
I gave him his first decent blowjob, and he doesn’t even look at me!
My God! What does money do to people!
Tonino, turn it back on.
Will grandpa go to heaven?
Or hell?
I don’t know, girls.
Help yourself.
Only one.
Don’t drink them all at once.
Happy New Year, Mr. Ambassador.
To you too, happy new year!
Close the fucking door! What are you doing?
Fuck!
Happy New Year, Mr. Kopf.
Happy New Year.
Does he have a spare key for the safe?
I already gave her the key.
Yes, but do you have a spare?
No, there is no spare key.
So, he has a problem, because our ambassador is locked in his safe.
I have a problem?
You have a problem, huh?
Really? Perhaps.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Fuck.
I came to fix the drain.
A thousand thanks.
She was… the best New Year’s Eve party I’ve ever had.
Good evening.
Yes.
Happy New Year.
