The Lost City (2022) | Transcript

A reclusive romance novelist on a book tour with her cover model gets swept up in a kidnapping attempt that lands them both in a cutthroat jungle adventure.
The Lost City (2022)

Follows a reclusive romance novelist who was sure nothing could be worse than getting stuck on a book tour with her cover model, until a kidnapping attempt sweeps them both into a cutthroat jungle adventure, proving life can be so much stranger, and more romantic, than any of her paperback fictions.

* * *


[both breathing heavily]

You were incredible.

My heart is still racing.

I felt it too.

All thanks to your brute strength, Dash, and your knowledge of ancient Aramaic mathematics.

Please. This has nothing to do with my two doctorates and my master’s in Gender Studies and everything to do with you, Dr. Love more.

The truth is, I never thought I would find the Lost City of D.

I would choose your words carefully. [Hissing]

They will be your last.

You led me right to King Kalaman’s tomb and his queen’s legendary Crown of Fire.

And now I will be very rich, and you will be very dead.

Hold up. Are these… Are these your snakes?

No, they were just here.

There were just hundreds of snakes in this temple just waiting for us to show up?

Who feeds them? You feed them? No, what do they eat?

Why is that one not biting that guy? Why is that happening?

Are they trained not to bite henchmen or something?

[captor] Yeah, well…

[Dr. Love more] I mean, the snake-to-temple ratio alone…

This is ridiculous. Delete.

I… I think my character can still work.


Loretta, you still have a story to write.


[voice mail] Hey, it’s me, Beth.

I don’t want to pull the whole “I’m your publisher” card, but I am.

And I’m really looking forward to seeing this last chapter.

But no pressure. No, there actually is pressure.

The exact amount of pressure that motivates you but doesn’t paralyze you.

You got this.

Thank you.

[voice mail tone] [Beth] Me again.

Okay, so everything is set for the book tour, but, uh, the only thing we need is a book to tour with.

I can’t help but get the feeling that you’re not finishing because you don’t want to leave your house.

Listen, I know these last five years have been hard after John’s passing, and it feels easier to live in your bathtub, drinking Chardonnay on ice.

But, girl, there is a great big world waiting for you and a book tour that I can’t cancel, so just make it happen, all right?

Love you, bye!

[Dash] We have to keep going.

Let’s see what’s on the other side of that door.

But what if there isn’t anything?

There’s only one way to find out.

Then Love more realized the treasure she wanted was lost forever and her adventures were coming to an end.

That doesn’t feel right.

Yeah, but that’s it.

That’s the end.

Well, John, here I go.

Dulcius ex as per is.

[Beth] Okay, honey, it’s showtime.

Are you sure about this?

Because I have a wedgie in the back and in the front in this thing.

I feel like a nerdy figure skater.

Sexy. Stunner. I’m all about it. No, it’s not. It’s not.

How do I move in this?

Don’t touch it.

I’m not touching it. I’m holding it out. Stop it. Will you stop?

Get it out now ’cause you can’t do that onstage.

And we’re done. And we’re done. Okay, good.

Do I need to be wearing a glitter onesie?

You only have to wear this for two hours.

Do not mess this up, do you hear me? This is on loan.

Everyone’s wearing sequins right now.

[camera shutter clicking]

Why is she taking my photo? This is Allison.

She is our new social media manager.

And she’s gonna be helping us target that younger demographic.

Meaning women in their 30s who wish they were in their 20s.

Hey, what’s up?

Um, I took over your socials, so this morning you tweeted, “Where are my ladies at? Meet me at Ballroom G at 5:00 p.m. #ShawnMendes. #GaggingToMeetYouAll.”

Okay, we are having fun. Let’s go.

[elevator dings] We need to remind people that you are still alive.

People know I’m alive.

And to remind them why this used to be the best selling franchise. In Romance.

Yes, which is the top revenue-generating literary category.

Revenue-generating isn’t how I would describe our presales right now.

Just think of this as a way that uses word of mouth.

Oh, you want word of mouth? Here we go. How’s this?

“The only thing more lost than the city is the author herself.”

“Loveless.” “Passionless.”

Uh, “Way past her prime.” And, oh, “This is fake history at its worst.”

A book tour could change everything, okay?

We have to remind the fans why they love you so much.

Real history. I merely season it with a smidge more nudity.

History had a ton of nudity.

[narrator on PA] Deep exploration.

Steamy wondering.

Will Love more and Dash find Queen Taha’s priceless Crown of Fire?

Join them on their search.

So, listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.

[whispers] There’s so many people.

I know how much you hate doing these things, so I’ve invited Alan to do the Q and A with you today.


And the rest of the book tour.

Beth, I expressly asked not to do any more events with Dash… Alan, Alan!

He’s gonna humiliate me.

He’s not gonna humiliate you.

Thank you. You’re very good at your job. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Let me help you with that.

He is… He’s a body wash commercial.

He’s always glistening all over the place.

There hasn’t been an event where his shirt didn’t come flying off.

You wish. [Beth] Well, he’s already here, so put on your big-girl panties and let’s get out there.

Remember, no grumpy face, big words or boring academic talk.

[audience cheering] [laughs] Yes! Yes!

Come on, RTP!


Yes, my Love more-heads!

I am so excited to introduce to you the award-winning author, Loretta Sage!

Beth, I can’t do this. I’m not ready. Are you kidding me?

Listen, I’ve got your back. You got this.

Go give the people what they want.

It’s not me they want. Get out there now!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. Thank you.

Yep. Mount it.

[chair creaking]

Mount it. Mount it. Okay.

Find your center.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

The sexiest…[audience member] All right!

Most influential hero of a generation.

That’s a bit strong.

His 20th cover of an Angela Love more novel.

Dash McMahon!

[audience cheering] [“The Final Countdown” plays]

[audience member] Oh, my God! Dash!

[cheering intensifies]

Take a bow. I already did mine. I did mine.

Okay, come on. One more. I got you.



[chair creaking]

Did you guys rehearse that? Oh, my God.

I’m loving this chemistry between you two, and I got to say, I love this book.

Oh, thank you, Ray. Thank…

Spoiler alert.

A really bold choice to not have them go into the tomb at the end.

Talk about what went into this one.

I mean, this one’s such a special book for me personally.

I… I don’t know how to say how much it means to me that Loretta, word writer extraordinaire, has, you know, named the book after me.

The Lost City of Dash.

The Lost City of D.

Um, but that’s not what the D stands for.

It’s D for “dick,” right? No dick, no.

It’s based on the name of an ancient tribe, Dapocagihou-dysphem-ica.

And, um, it was too difficult for the European colonizers to pronounce, so, in true colonial fashion they abbreviated it. No one cares about this.

That’s so interesting. Okay.

How about we take some questions from the audience?

[audience member] Right here, handsome! Yes.

Dash, what’s your favorite romantic moment? [Audience] Ooh.

What I would really like to know is what is Loretta’s favorite romantic moment?

[host] Ooh, spicy.

Oh, uh…

Well, being a sapiosexual…

[audience murmurs]

Oh, is that when they do the snakes around the…

No. That’s someone who finds, uh, intellect or intelligence, uh, very sexy, you know.



Dash! Rip off your shirt! [audience cheers]

No, no, no. We’re not gonna do that today. We’re here for Loretta’s book.

[host] Do we have questions for Loretta?

Uh, yes, studious-looking young lady? What would you like to ask me?

Can you rip off Dash’s shirt?


No, no. We’re not gonna do this again. Sorry.

[audience chanting] Rip it off! Rip it off!

Rip it off! Rip it off! Rip it off!

Of course. Of course, yes. Can do.

Is this happening?

You don’t have to do this. Oh, we have to.

We have to give the people what they want. Yes, yes.

We have to give the people what they want, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy.

Because The Lost City of D is Dash’s final adventure.

If there even is a next book, it will open with Love more receiving the tragic news of his untimely death.


Shit. I’m sorry. My smart watch is stuck. Ow. Hold on.

I know. Don’t pull it.

It’s okay. Just be real still.

No. That’s pulling it. You’re pulling it.

You’re gonna rip my wig off. No, you can’t…

[audience exclaims]

Oh, my!

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

[audience member] You’re a bad person.

Stick around for the costume contest at 6:00 p.m.

“If there is another book”?

I’m investing everything we’ve got into this tour, okay?

I just don’t think I have another Dash and Love more adventure in me.

How does Dash die?

Was it the snakes? No.

Okay, so I have something that I have to take care of.

You guys have an interview in the next suite in ten minutes.

So can you please do me a favor and be grown-ups and get yourselves there on your own?

Okay. Thank you so much.

Does he die from a staph infection?

It is a staph infection. I knew it.

I-I… All right.

Look, I get it if you need a break or something, but you can’t just kill me, okay? Okay.

I hate that I have to ask this, but you do know you’re not Dash, right?

Dash is a character I made up.


[camera shutter clicks] Thanks.

Thank you.

Loretta, it’s this way. No, I think it’s this way.

Can’t you see that Dash means so much to people?

Means so much to you. Not to me.

Well, yeah, to me, but to other people too.

What about Beth? You know what? Beth is gonna be fine.

She’s gonna find plenty fresh, young writers full of great ideas.

You can transition gracefully into the shirt-on phase of your modeling career, and I can be left alone.

Everybody is happy.

No, it’s this way.

Beth says you don’t even leave the house anymore.

I don’t feel like that’s very happy.

You should be going out in the world, filling yourself up on new experiences.

I’m already filled up. I’m full. I’m fully satiated.

Why would you want to be stuck at home alone when you could see the world?

You could be visiting ancient Greece.

Okay. How could I visit ancient Greece?

I get it. Because you’re afraid of flying.

No. Because ancient Greece is in the past.

Just like Dash.

Okay. You want to know who else is stuck in the past? You are.

You’re so afraid of life hurting you again that you’ve stopped living.

You’re like a human mummy.

I didn’t, um…


Mummies are human.

Stupid… Oh, crap.

I’m so sorry. I-I will clean this up.

I am not a litterer, I-I assure you that.

Do you, um… Do you think you could, uh, call a car for me, please?

Thank you. Thank you.

Bring the car around.

God, is that someone’s retainer?

I’ve never said the right thing one time around her.

I get nervous because she opens her mouth, and just an encyclopedia of beautifulness comes out, and I just never say…

You know she’s trying to kill me?

I just need those tomatoes.

You’re right. No, you’re right.

I should apologize. Thank you, man.

I appreciate that very, very much. You’re welcome.

Uh, Loretta Sage. Yeah.



Uh, I did not order an UberPool.

Someone wants to meet you. We’ll have you right back.



Loretta! Loretta?

[Uber driver] Uh, Loretta?

Did you say “Loretta”? Yeah.

Follow that SUV, man. No.

Come on, please! No, no, no.

I’m not helping any more handsome strangers. Fool me once. Mm-mmm.

[bell dings] What is this, Taken? Am I “tooken”?

Am I sold already?

Am I… [blows air] Am I sold to him?

[Loretta] Ow. Stop. Oh, no. Did this feel creepy?

I said don’t make it creepy, guys.

I’m so sorry about the setting.

I just flew in. I was in a real panic to meet you.

I didn’t have time to dress the place up much.

I read you love cheese, so I just got them all.

Are you the one who’s been emailing me for photos of my feet?

No. Um…

And I promise what I’m about to show you is gonna make you very happy.

But first, a little bit about the mysterious rogue you see before you.

Uh, my name is Abigail Fairfax.

Abigail? It’s a gender-neutral name, like Leslie or Beverly.

Yes, but you’re Abigail Fairfax of the media-mogul Fairfaxes?

Didn’t you just take over your company or…

No, that was my brother, actually. That was Leslie. We’re all very proud.

Ah. Yes, I should say so, at such a young age to…

Some might even say too young.

But that world never really interested me.

My passions, as you may know, lie in the hidden things in the world, things which defy possession.

Um, some might call me a collector.

But there is one obsession in particular that has held me captive.

The Crown of Fire and its cascading red diamonds.

Is this a… Is this a hidden-camera thing?

So imagine my surprise when, in your new book, amidst the pages of coital reverie, was something…

Oh, God… quite magnificent.


I get it. I get it. I so get it right now.

Oh, my gosh.

I literally thought you guys kidnapped me.

I mean, this is marketing, right? Beth set this up?

This was so good, you guys. This was amazing.

You, with your gun and your mustache and your, “You’d better get in there” and you know…


Oh, my God.

You, with the G.I. Joe tone-on-tone outfit. [Laughs]

Your fictional archaeologist was making real translations of a dead language.

Mm-hmm. Something nobody else has been able to do.

Well, nobody else had ever tried.

Is that right? Am I saying the right thing?

Except you, right?

Except me!

Yes. See, it turns out Loretta Sage was once a young college girl doing her dissertation on the dead language of the D with her future husband, dreaming of finding Kalaman’s tomb and the Crown of Fire.

I was sorry to read you gave up your search after he died.

But what that means is, you’re all I have left.

All-All you have left for… what?



Here we go.

[lid creaks]

What is this?

I believe it is describing the exact location of Kalaman’s tomb, in which Taha and her priceless headdress are buried.

Well, if this were authentic, you would still have to uncover an entire city that nobody has been able to find.

I found it.

On a tiny, forgotten island in the Atlantic called Isla Hundida.

What I have not been able to find is Kalaman’s final resting place.

This piece of parchment is the only clue we found among the ruins.

I need someone who can decipher these symbols.

I need you.

Well… Miss Sage, surely this isn’t how you want your story to end.

We both had our dreams crushed by bad luck, or in my case, an arse-kissing little brother, but this is our chance to show them all.

Come with me… to the island.

Translate these symbols and help me find the Crown of Fire.

You can name your price.

I must respectfully decline.

[lid creaks closed]


I can’t say I’m not disappointed.

But I understand how you feel.

Will you at least let us give you a ride?

Oh, no, thank you. I’ll call for my own car, and I’ll just…

[mechanical whirring]

[aircraft blades whirring]

[Beth] I don’t feel like you’re listening to me. This is urgent, and we…

Okay, so the police are saying that they put out an APB…

APB… on an SUV, and there’s this 24-hour rule… Why is there a rule?

And they won’t do anything until… What about the FBI or the CIA?

They said to call the police.

I’m sure Loretta’s fine.

When I was in college, my friend Nicki went missing.

Everyone was, like, freaking out.

But then she was just in her car.

She was dead, but we found her. She wasn’t gone.

Um, what about… Maybe we could get a PI or, like, you know, private security or…

What about an extraction team, like the movie?

Yes! But who does that? The ex-military, right?

Oh, yeah. I think I actually have somebody that could help us.


I did this meditation retreat, and there was this trainer guy there.

You should see this guy meditate.

But he’s ex-Navy SEAL.

He… He’s a special ops trainer. What was his name?

Yeah. Jack Trainer.

So he’s a trainer named Jack Trainer?

That’s how I have everybody in my phone. See, “Janice Mom.”

“Larry Doorknob.” “Stacy Butt Stuff.”

Look, this is what this guy does. He finds people.

If there’s anybody that can help us, it’s him.

[line ringing]

[ringing continues]

[on phone] Jack Trainer. Oh, so his name is actually Jack Trainer.

Hi, uh, this is Alan from “Touching Your Inner Self.”

The meditation retreat?

[chewing sounds]

Anyway, uh, okay. Our friend Loretta has been kidnapped, and no one’s helping us.

[Jack] How long she been missing?

Maybe two hours now.

Who is that?

Um, this is B… This is Beth. I’m Beth.

And Allison is on too, sir.

Did she have any Wi-Fi-enabled devices?

She’s got her phone, right?

No, I have her phone.

Oh! She has a smart watch. It ripped my wig off.

What was that scenario? Never mind. Open the phone.

Go to the smart watch app. All right.

Then hit “Find My Smart watch.”

Oh, my… That is so good. That’s why we called.

“Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy.”

Is that Oprah or Deepak? Laozi from Tao-te Ching.

Oh, my God.

It’s in the Atlantic.

She’s on a plane? [Alan] How can you tell that?

‘Cause she can’t swim that fast.

[Jack] Doesn’t sound like a ransom scenario.

My guess is blood sport, Hunger Games type situation.

Possibly some coke-fueled dark web scavenger hunt.

Real clown shit. We’ll have to move fast.

How do we pay you?

Cryptocurrency. Cash App.

I’ll have her back within 48 hours or your next rescue is free.

How many people need a next rescue?

More than you’d think.

I’m gonna need that phone.

I’ll bring it to you.

Let me know where she lands. I’ll meet you there, Alan.

[aircraft jets whirring]


Where am I?

Um, you’re on my plane.

It’s nice, isn’t it? Hmm?

The seats are made of mama llama leather.

Well, I’m getting off your plane.

Unchain me!

That’s your seat belt.

Did you chloroform me?

People actually do that?

[grunts, groans]

Well, you know, it’s a classic for a reason.

My body feels drunk.

It’ll wear off in a bit. I am sorry.

I just couldn’t wait around for you to change your mind.

Stop playing jelly. Time is not on our side.

You see, the volcano we’re excavating around has developed a bad case of indigestion.

I’m rather worried that when it blows, [grunts]

everything that’s left of the Lost City will be destroyed.

Oh, my God. My legs don’t work.

So, this is our last chance to find both the tomb and the crown.

Oh, God. [Groaning] [Fairfax] Oh!

Don’t worry. That’s just our final descent.

But it is the beginning of the greatest adventure of your life.

[engine switches off, door opens]

[door closes]

[chattering in Spanish]

Welcome to the Lost City.

How did you find it?

So, the city was built on a lava dome.

As the volcano became active, the dome filled with lava, and sunken things rose to the surface.

The D exposed itself.

The entire city?

No, no. Just the tip.

As soon as I heard rumors of the ruins, I flew over and bought the place.

The site? No. The island. The southern half.

I got a good deal ’cause this is where the lava flows.

We’ve been excavating for a year now.

One doesn’t kidnap a romance novelist on day one.

Ah, yes, as the saying goes.

Rafi doesn’t like it. Do you, Rafi?

He says we’re disrespecting his heritage.

But not a lot of other job options on the island, are there, Rafi?

Beggars can’t be choosers.

No more charcuterie, I take it.

Mmm. Please. I’m not a monster.

Whatever you need, just shout.

Uh, leave one hand free. She has some translating to do.

And then what?

Loretta, I really wish you would try and see what an exciting opportunity this is for us.

I believe this text describes the exact location of the tomb.

It’s a logographic system.

Like cuneiform or hieroglyphics.

Now, if you have other documents that possibly I can compare…

Yeah, no luck there.

We found some scratching at a nearby waterfall, but it was useless.

Just pictures of women.

Look, I, too, wish your dear old dead archaeologist husband was here to help, but he’s not, so, time to shine, Loretta, sex-book writer.

They will come for me.

Who, exactly?

Your… Your many cats?

Oh, I don’t have cats.

Somehow even more sad.

I have a hamster, asshole!

You have a hamster’s asshole?

No, there was a… there was a comma between… Forget it.

I bet your brother never had to kidnap anyone!

[announcer on intercom speaking Spanish]

♪ From the dusty mesa ♪

♪ Her looming shadow grows ♪

♪ Hidden in the branches ♪

♪ Of the poison creosote ♪

Good to see you, man.

Phone. Right.


Yeah, I was thinking that I could, you know, maybe just sort of come with you.

Why? To help.

I know CPR. I know some light karate. CrossFit certified.

Okay, okay, listen, listen!

I just… It’s my fault.

Not the kidnapping and stuff, but, like, I said some really mean stuff to her, and I regret it, and I just need to take it back.

I called her a human mummy.

Mummies are human.

I’m aware of that now, yes.

That is true. [breathes deeply]


All right, Alan, I can’t be responsible for you.

Okay. Yeah.

I need you to stay in the car. Yeah.

In the car. In the car.

The whole time. The whole time?

Whole time.



[lock chirps]

This is me.

Really? Is this what the SEAL teams use?

“Only a fool chooses a horse by its color.”

Right, right. The Tao-te Ching?

No, it was on the sign back there at the rental place.

[car engine starts, revs]

Thank you.

♪ I once had a life Or rather, life had me ♪

♪ I was one among many ♪

♪ Or at least I seemed to be ♪

♪ Well, I read an old quotation In a book just yesterday ♪

♪ Said “Gonna reap just what you sow ♪

♪ The debts you make You have to pay” ♪

♪ Can you get to that? ♪

What? What?

I was hoping to invite you to breakfast, but it looks like you still have work to do.

Uh, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I believe this says “rest” or “resting.”

So it would be, “Kalaman and his treasure…”

And then there are some missing pieces, and then “rest,” “resting,” and something about “tears,” so…

Resting where?

Hmm? Oh!

Didn’t say. It doesn’t say.

[Loretta stammers]

Miss Sage, I need you to do better.

Then next time maybe don’t kidnap a romance novelist, hmm?

My God, this shouldn’t be this hard!

It is not some pauper’s grave we’re looking for.

It is a monument to a great man!

King Kalaman was ambitious, he was powerful, he was the first man to build a city in the Atlantic.

The eyes of his subjects would have turned to him.

He would have had a pyramid, a ziggurat, a tower to hold his Crown of Fire.

All I need to know is where it is.

I don’t know if you recall, but you only said translate it.

I-I translated it.

Translate it again.

One day, we’re gonna laugh about this. [Chuckles]

Such an adventure we’re having.

I should go with you, just for backup and awesomeness.

This is pretty awesome.

You got nature, the radio.

Yeah, you’re right, but it’s very, very important to me that she knows that I came to rescue her.

Why? Do you like this woman?

No, I just brought snacks and stuff.

And she gets a little grumpy when she’s hungry.

Blood pressure drops. And I get that because I’m a five-meal-a-day kind of guy.

Do you keto, by the way? You look like you keto.

No. No. Yeah.

[chuckles] You don’t need it.

What is it?

I just want her to think of me as more than a cover model.

But, Alan, you are so much more. You’re my lookout.

Okay, can I at least do the part where I put her in the car and I just go, “Shh. You’re safe now”?

Sure, champ. She’ll love that.

Oh, you’re just going? Going to start?

You’re starting the mission now? Okay.

[handle rattles]

[birds screeching]

[“Red Right Hand” playing]

[grunts] Oh!


Go to sleep.

♪ Take a little walk To the edge of town ♪

♪ And go across the tracks ♪

♪ Where the viaduct looms Like a bird of doom ♪

♪ As it shifts and cracks ♪

♪ Where secrets lie In the border fires In the humming wires ♪

♪ Hey, man, you know You’re never coming back ♪

♪ Past the square Past the bridge ♪

♪ Past the mills Past the stacks ♪

Alan. What?

This is a breach of trust, Alan.

I can help. Let me help.

♪ A tall handsome man In a dusty black coat ♪

Stay close. Stay alive.



♪ He’ll wrap you in his arms ♪

Go to sleep.

♪ Tell you that you’ve Been a good boy ♪

I got his head. What do I do with his head? I’m just gonna set him down.

[shouts, grunts]

[shouts] No.

Hey, hey, no!

No, no, no!


♪ There won’t be a single thing That you can do ♪

♪ He’s a god, he’s a man He’s a ghost, he’s a guru ♪

Ooh, yeah! Ooh.


Teamwork, yeah!

Great effort, Alan, but that man was already unconscious.

I was already wound up.

Just don’t do it when I’m…




[Alan] On your seven!



Trainer, he’s not asleep!

Stay… Stay down. Stay down.

You’re doing great.


Where you going?

♪ Through the ghettos And the barrio ♪

♪ And the Bowery and the slums ♪ What?


Loretta Sage?


I’m getting you out of here.

Why are you so handsome? My dad was a weatherman.



Yeah. What are you doing here?

Uh, irregardless, I’m here to save you.

That’s not…

I think he meant “regardless.”


Ooh, uh, does she need saving in there, Trainer? I think she’s fine there.

No, no, leave it. Don’t take their stuff. They’ll come after us.

Alan, why do you keep doing that?

Why do you keep doing that? I had that one.

It’s just getting mean now. It’s unnecessary.

I’m sorry. I just wanted to get one in.

Excuse me. Would it be possible to remove me from the chair?

No time.

No time? There’s been so much chitchat.

[men shouting]

We should definitely go.

[security shouting] Let’s go! Let’s go!

♪ We’re running with The shadows of the night ♪

♪ So, baby, take my hand It’ll be all right ♪

♪ They’ll come true in the end ♪

Why are things exploding?


[people shouting in Spanish]

I got…

[lock beeps] Okay.


Shh. You’re safe now.


How… How are you so calm?

That was my… That was my line. [Jack] Here.

What? Is that Reiki?

Are you healing me? I think so.

[Loretta] Ah.

As Laozi says, “To the mind that is still…”

“The whole universe surrenders.”

[Alan] Hey, yeah, I know some…

I know some, um, quotes that could be good for this moment.

In omnia paratus.

“Ready for anything.”

Maybe we shouldn’t be just staring lovingly into each other’s eyes like you’re gonna fall in love like I’m not here.

Who are you?

Just a guy trying to do his job.

And right now, that job is to get this lovely lady…

Oh! Oh.

Oh, God. Okay. [Alan groaning]


[Alan] No. What is happening?

[Loretta shouts]



[Alan] Okay. What do we do?

We need to do… I can’t see.

I don’t like it! [Gags]

Here. Here!

Why would you throw a gun?


Get me out of the chair. I can’t. We don’t have time.

[bullet whizzes, clangs]

[Alan] Gotta squeeze! You got to do a Kegel or something!

Kegel it!

What do you think a Kegel is?

I’m not in it, not in! Still not in!

You got to go in more.

Stop. Stop. Stop it!

[window shatters]

[gasps] Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, God. Get in the car, get in the car! Start the car! Start the car!

Go, go.

Move your leg.

Which one? Both of them! Move them!

Forward, forward! Okay. Okay.

I’m going! I’m going! Okay!


[Alan] Shh. You’re safe now. Shh.


Shh. You’re safe now. No, I’m not. Not safe.

Oh, no, am I bleeding?

I don’t think that’s yours.

Oh, no, that’s a lot of blood.

[Alan gags]

[Loretta] Cheese and rice!

Are those his brains? What?

I think his brains are on my face!

Definitely his brains are in my mouth. I can taste his thoughts!

Focus on the road.

He just liked training people. Trainer.

What are you talking about?

He loved me.

Can you just scooch the car over to the left?

Get it off. Get it off. Oh, God.

Watch out!

Oh! Oh! Oh!


Oh, did you see…



Oh, no. Oh, no. [horn honks]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[Loretta] Alan? [gasps]

Oh, holy Christmas. Are you okay? Are you okay?

Do you think you could get me out of here?

Yeah. Okay.

You just flew out of the car. I did. I did, indeed.

Okay. I got you. I got you.

Can you get me out of the chair? Get me out of the chair.

You’re right. You’re right. You’re right.

Is that… Is that a nail filer? Yeah.

Can you just rip it? It’s working.

And maybe next time I toss a gun at you, you can catch it instead of ducking.

How about the next time you toss a gun at me, you say, “Hey, Alan, catch”?

Then maybe do that before you throw it?

Well, “here” is a synonym for “catch.”

No, “here” is not a cinnamon for “catch.”

In a colloquial kind of way, yes, it is.

You say, “Here,” I toss you a sweatshirt.

You say, “Here,” I toss you a pen.

How ’bout just, “Hey! Catch! Gun!”

Anything that you want to throw, I’ll catch it because you said, “Catch.”

And I’ll catch it because you said it.

That is also an option, and then we would have a gun with us.

That’s a thing.

Be careful. Okay, we need to call…

Be careful.

We need to call for help, get to the airport and get out of here.

And I am driving. Okay.

[both] Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Okay, call for… call for help.

Where’s your phone?


Tell me you caught them.

I tagged the blond one.

Oh, Loretta.

What are you thinking?

You might’ve killed one of them, but his partner’s still with her.

And he is clearly skilled, highly trained and very dangerous.

So, Miss Sage said she was gonna leave the event, then got in a car and left the event?

Did you try calling her?

She doesn’t have her phone.

Stolen phone. Didn’t say that.

[Nana] Where’s my magnifier?

Listen, can you please help with Nana?

I don’t want her hearing about Loretta ’cause it’s going to upset her.

What about Loretta?

Nothing, Nana. She just went on a trip.

[Nana] Good. [Beth] Yeah.

That girl needed to get out of the house.

So, this is the thing. Loretta’s phone is not stolen. I took it.

I gave it to Alan. Alan then gave it to the trainer, uh, Jack Trainer.

And that is how we found her wearable.

And who’s Alan?

[Beth] Dash.

What’s that?

He’s the hero in all of her books.

Nana. Hey, slut.


Let’s go in the other room and talk about whichever war you lived through.

Okay. Come on, it’ll be fun. I’m sorry. It’ll be fun.

Listen, Loretta Sage is missing.

When I looked at her smart watch, it said that she had flown to some island I’ve never even heard about.

That means y’all need to do something about this.

And if you can’t, I will, and that won’t look good for you.

Pretty sure that’s outside our jurisdiction.

You’d have to call the Feds.


And if you do go to the Feds, put in a good word for me.

For me. For us.

Oh, oh.

What are you gonna do, put the car back together?

Well… we could…

[steam hissing]

Where did you say the phone was? Passenger glove.

What? Passenger glove compartment.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. No phone, no car. We’re so gonna die out…

Here. What is this?

Boots for the jungle.

It’s not exactly hiking boots, but…

I figured your feet would be killing you after wearing heels for this long.

It was the best we could do. They’re Allison’s. Sorry.

Oh. Okay, well, thank you.

Here, oh, I got you cheese.

Oh, my God. You got to stay hydrated.

Thank you so much. They didn’t have glass bottles, so we’ll definitely hold onto it and recycle.

Okay, so what we need to do is find a phone, we need to call the authorities, and we need to wait here until somebody comes and rescues us.

Uh… This… This is the rescue.

No one else is coming.

I’m sorry? I’m the rescue.

It was originally just gonna be me, then I was like, Trainer should come.

Oh, Trainer. Rest in peace.

So, our best bet is to get to the airport. See this road right here?

From this area, just take a shortcut through the jungle to the road.

Did you just say “shortcut through the jungle”?

Yeah. Okay, do you see us?

Uh-huh. You are not Dash, and I’m not Love more. Okay?

I’m Loretta, and you are Alan.

And jungles eat people like us, okay? Eat people.

And I don’t want to mess up the jumpsuit. It’s on loan. So we’re gonna stay put.

We’re not just gonna stand around here, okay?

We’re gonna go through the jungle, we’re gonna go to the airport and find a phone, so you can have your cake and get what you want.

“And eat it too”?

If that’s what you want to do with your cake, fine. Let’s go.

That’s the only thing you do with cake.

Not mine.

[Loretta] I don’t know what your people do, but my people eat it.

[Alan] You could give it to someone as a gift.

[Loretta] Those people are still going to eat the cake.

Everybody eats cake.

[Alan] What about the kind people jump out of?

They don’t eat it, when they’re in it. Oh, my God.

[Alan] What did they kidnap you for anyhow?

Is it some weird sex stuff like Taken?

[Loretta] Oh, my God, thank you.

I thought so too, but the guy’s one of the Fairfaxes.

Beverly? No, the older one.

The really odd one that had the vlog on finding Montezuma’s treasure.

[Alan] The dude that was on the news for trying to raise the Titanic?

[Loretta] Yes, he’s looking for the Crown of Fire.

Wait a minute. Like the actual Crown of Fire? Like the one…

So those ruins were… They were the Lost City of D, yes.

What? Are you kidding me right now? Shh.

This is like your book.

So we’re basically on a Love more and Dash adventure right now?

[insect buzzing] What is that?

What if Fairfax actually finds the crown?

He won’t. He won’t.

[people shouting in distance]

[Loretta] Where do we go? Uh…

[vehicles approaching] Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, uh, we need to get in the water.

W-What? We need to go by river.

No, no, I don’t really do water.

What do you mean, “do water”? I’m not asking you to procreate with it.

Uh, my body and water don’t really go together.

[vehicles in distance] How do you feel about dying? Oh, God.

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re okay. You’re okay.

I got you. Fine. I can swim. I can swim. Thank you very much.

Where are you going? I’m crossing.

No, we have to stay in the water.

I researched aquatic counter-tracking for my book, A Year in the Bush.

They’ll lose our tracks in the water.

Why is it warm here? Wait, are you peeing?

Just go around it.

[engines switch off]

[Loretta] Okay, I think…

I think we lost them, right?

Yeah. That wasn’t so bad. Yeah.

Okay, uh…

Don’t panic. What do you mean, don’t panic?

Just don’t panic.


Stop saying “panic.” I’m panicking now.

You have something on your back.

[screams] No!

Stop screaming. What is that?

What is that? Stop screaming.

Do you have any on you? No. No.

Why don’t you have any on you?

Maybe the jumpsuit scared them off. I don’t know.

Get ’em off. Oh, my God.

Okay. No, I can’t touch those blood-gorged mucous sacks.

Can you fling it? Right now.

Get it. Just pick it and fling it.

Just pick it and fling it. You pick it and fling it!

Can you spin it off? Please, get it off.

I don’t like touching it. I’m feeling faint.

They’re sucking my soul out. Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.


[gags] Don’t make that sound. [Gags]


How many of them are there?

Oh, there’s not many.

It feels like there’s so many. What are you…

I feel so many. Oh!

Holy mother of God! Why are you praying?

Is it that bad? It can’t be that bad. Is it that bad? How many?

It’s not great.

They’re gonna suck every bit of me out.

Just please stop speaking. I just need to… need to get low.

Hold on a second. [groans]

Oh, God! I can feel them just… they’re just sucking out so much.

I’m gonna be like a shriveled-up skin sack when they’re done.

You cannot tell my dad I died this way, okay?

You gotta tell him I was wrestling an anaconda with a sword or something.

I’m like a blood Jamba Juice. They’re just sucking it all out.

Why are they all on my butt though?

Kind of like picking anchovies off my Caesar salad.

It’s actually not so bad.


Why do you go to food right now?

Just find the queen, and let’s be done with this.

Think you’re good. I need to just check your front.

Okay. I can’t look.

Is it bad?

Uh, wow. What is it? Just say it.

I mean, you expect it to, you know, not…

Then suddenly there it is, and it is, uh…

You know, you get excited for a person. What?

I mean, I’m excited for all people. Why are you excited?

Well, you know, people wonder, they wonder, but they don’t know, right?

They don’t, until suddenly they do know, and then they… they know something that wasn’t known before.

Just… Do I have any leeches or not?

Oh, your plucky warrior hangs in tranquil solitude.


No, you’re good. You’re good.

We were so brave just then.

Why do they go for the butt so much?

[singing in Spanish]

[insect buzzing]

What’s that song you’re singing?

A song my abbi used to sing to me when I was a kid.

“If you suck life from the island… Yeah?

The island will suck of you.”

Your grandma sang you songs about getting sucked off by an island?

It doesn’t translate super well.

Is phantom leech syndrome, like, a thing?

They don’t lay eggs, do they?

Queen Taha?

“King Kalaman and his treasure laid to rest…”

laid to rest in the well of endless tears.

“Laid to rest in the well of endless tears.”

What does that mean?

[Alan] Loretta!

You gave me a heart attack.

Where’d you go?

What is this?

I’m not sure, but maybe they gathered here?

Can you imagine being right here, right in this very spot back then?

The stories that they told?

So much history I’m sure happened right here.

[Loretta] They’ve got us cornered.

Okay. We’ve got to go up. Come on. What?

Have you seen what I’m wearing? I’m in a glitter straitjacket.

There’s nowhere to go but up. Come on. Let’s go.

[Loretta] Oh! I should not be doing this. I’m too old for this.

No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.

I didn’t say I’m not beautiful.

I said I’m too old to be doing this.

My skill is sitting and thinking and eating when I can’t think.

Yeah, you definitely could be wearing better shoes for this.

You brought me these shoes.

I can’t go any further. I can’t go any further.

I’m not doing so great here.

You got it. Come on.

I know you think that you’re safer holding on, but you have to keep going.

I can’t. I can’t, I can’t. Okay?

Do you smell that? Smell what?

I smell something. Is it a predator? What is it?

A downward cascading fire? You got to smell deeper.

I don’t smell anything!

[both breathing deeply]

Take a big, deep breath. [breathing deeply]

All right.

Good job.


That was manipulative. Thank you. Yeah, it was.

Here we go. I’m gonna help you out a little bit, all right?

One, two, three… Here we go!

What are you doing?

Get out of there. Come on.

No, no, don’t flex. That’s my hoo-hoo.

Just ride the head. Keep the hands moving and ride the head.

Oh, God. You’re doing great.

Sorry about the scratchy haircut. Come on.

Dulcius ex as per is.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

It was just something that John and I would say after we finished something big, like a… like an archaeological dig or a manuscript.

It’s Latin. It means “sweeter after difficulty.”

What’s… What’s Latin for “Loretta’s a bad ass”?

[laughs] I am a bad ass. I climbed a mountain.

Oh, my God. I wish Beth could’ve seen us do this.

Oh, God. Beth. Don’t worry about Beth.

She’s probably got the whole navy after us right now.

[Allison] I get that you think you have to go to the island authorities yourself, but don’t worry, I’m keeping Loretta’s socials super active.

Just tweeted, “Did I just get kidnapped?

#FML, @ShawnMendes, #ShawnMendes.”

[ticket agent] And you’re traveling alone?

Yes, I’m traveling alone. Mm-hmm. I’m single.

Then this might work.

Okay! Talk to me. You’ll hit New York.

From there, you’ll fly to Guinea, where you can pick up a puddle jumper.

A what?

Small plane. [Allison] Yeah, no leg room.

That’s fine. I’ll take it.

Or you could just come home. Thank you.

We need something more flammable. Everything is just so wet.

What’s in here? What’s in your bag?

Uh… Oh, a lot. Okay.

What are you doing?

Okay. Face masks.

Yeah, that was like a gift-basket thing.

You brought a scented candle into the jungle?

My mom gave me that.

It was like a weird gift for Mother’s Day.

Your mom gives you gifts for Mother’s Day?


Eucalyptus rosemary oil. Ooh.

Oh, that smells good.

Um… Oh, okay. All right.

Whoo! Yes!

Yes, I made fire!

That’s pretty impressive. You have to…

It is a beautiful fire.

[Loretta] Who would have thought?

Oh, you’re just, um, taking your shirt off?

That looks really uncomfortable.

Are you okay? The back?

Yeah. That is why I don’t do water.

Okay. My body becomes an eighth-grader’s face.

Do you have anything for it? Like some ointment or something?

Yeah, I do. Well, I did.

It was in a little, tiny little bottle.

It was this. I’m sorry.

Oh, God, I’m sorry.

It’s okay.

Hold on. Yes. Come here. Come here.


Come here. Sit down.

Let me see.

Just sit down. Right here?



Oh, no, you don’t have to touch it. It’s okay. It’s fine.

I touched your engorged sacks, so…

[snorts] [both laugh]

The leeches. Oh, okay.

Okay, this might be a little bit cold.

Sorry. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Maybe this is how Dash should die.

Horrible eczema outbreak. That’s so sexy.

I could make it work.


All right, then.

How would you write this?


“Warmed by the fragrant fire…”

Mm-hmm. [Chuckles]

Starting strong. Mm-hmm.

“Lovemore’s hands explored the…”

The contoured scenery of Dash’s body.

Familiar terrain made new and exciting with every…

“with every scarlet rim.”

And that didn’t, uh… didn’t turn her off?


“Because with every cardinal ridge, Love more discovered another letter in the language “that only their bodies spoke.”

And what were their bodies saying?

“Take me…”

Take me, “take me.”

How’s that?

It was good.

Your back. I mean, how is your back? Good.

Okay. You sure? Yeah.

I also meant my back. Right there, yeah. Okay.


Okay, I’m chilly. I think I’m gonna probably turn in in a little bit.

Okay. You good?

Yeah, I’m fire… fine. I’m fine.

I’m not “fire.” I’m fine by the fire.

Okay. All right.

Uh, it’s up to you, but if you’re cold, maybe we could probably both fit in here, if you wanted to.

Both of us?

Only if you want to. I mean, it’s just… Yeah, no, that sounds…


Okay. How do you…

You can go first, then I’ll figure it out.

No, no, you go. It’s definitely a “ladies first” type of situation.

Keep hands out of the bag at all times. That’s what I was gonna do.

Butt to butt. Hands out and butt to butt.

Yeah. What do I do? Just get in. Go ahead and sit.

I sit first? Okay. I’m in.

You’re too heavy. You’re gonna flip this thing like a cruise ship.

[chuckling] You watch yourself. Hold on. I’m not in.

Why is this engaging my core so much? [Laughs]

[Loretta] How ’bout you shimmy?

I can’t breathe. I’m not breathing. Are you good?

My face.

[Loretta] Yeah. Okay.

[sighs, chuckles]

[Alan] Hands are out. Butt to butt.

[Loretta] Okay.

[vehicle approaches]


Come on.

Come on! Let’s hear it!

Let’s give a nice round of applause to Loretta!

She earned it.

A geriatric shut-in left you holding your dicks in the jungle.

Good job, Loretta.

Boss, come on. People are dying now.

Don’t you think that maybe this has all gone too far?

Is it really worth it?

I am on the cusp of attaining the unattainable.

Something singular, something no nation, no emperor, no brown no sing brothers ever have.

The legendary Crown of Fire.

So, yes.

Yes, I would definitely say it’s worth it.

[motorcycles revving]

Excuse me!

Excuse me, sir. I need to get to my next connecting flight.

No flight.

The pilot is sick. Come tomorrow.

No, no, sir. I cannot come tomorrow. I need to do this today.

I need to get to the island Isla Hundida tonight. Lives are at stake.

Come tomorrow.

Excuse me, miss? Yes?

I couldn’t help but overhear you say that you like steak.

Okay, this is a little bit crazy,

but I also like steak.

What? I also like steak.

Would you like to, maybe, I don’t know…

Maybe there’s a…

No. “Lives are at stake.”

I need to go to the island tonight.

Ah. Yes.

Even more serious. Extremely.

Well, I believe that I may be able to assist you.

I have a cargo plane.

Maybe after I make my delivery, we could swing by your island.

I’m about to ask you something, and you better tell me the truth.

Have you ever murdered anyone before?

[laughs] No!

I don’t know if I really buy it, but let me tell you something.

If you ever think about murdering me, I promise, I will murder you first.

My pleasure.

You are weird. Let’s go.

“King Kalaman and his treasure laid to rest in the well of endless tears.”

[Alan] What is that?

Oh, it’s a… it’s a thing. I mean, it’s not, uh…

You know, it’s not what you think it is.

So it’s not Fairfax’s fragment of an ancient parchment?

Okay. It’s what you think it is.

Loretta, I thought you were smarter than that.

Fairfax is never gonna stop hunting us now.

What were you thinking?

We have a volcano that could bury the tomb before we get to it, before we see it, before we preserve its memory.

This is… I’m sorry. Is that what we’re doing?

‘Cause no one told me. When were you gonna tell me?

Why would I tell you?

We’re in this together. I came here to rescue you.

You know you’re not Dash, right?

You don’t ride in on a white horse to rescue people.

You… spray yourself with bronzer and you stand in front of wind machines, which is great for you.

How would you have any idea what I’m actually like?

I know you. You’re a pretty open book, Alan.

Okay, then who am I?



O… Okay, uh…

You were a homecoming king and you coasted on your good looks to LA, but then realized that being the most handsome kid in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean you’re going to be a star.

Until one day, when a woman who couldn’t publish her book on Spanish colonization in the Atlantic decided to write a romance novel, uh, chose you at random to be on the cover.

Lucky for you and her, the novels were a smashing success.

She kept writing her schlock, you kept posing, um, you know, neither one of us becoming who we’d hoped we would be.

Uh, and then one day, we both die in the jungle on one of those Atlantic islands I wrote about all those years ago.



It was Sarasota, by the way.

It’s not nowhere.

I grew up there with my mom and two sisters.

And yeah… I started modeling ’cause I wanted to get away.

It was the only job that I could think of that could take me to all of the places that I always dreamed of going.

Then finally to Los Angeles, where I posed on the cover of your romance novel.

And I was so embarrassed that one of my friends might’ve seen me in that wig on the cover of your book that I avoided talking to them for months.

And then one day, I’m walking home, and I hear this lady yell, “Dash!”

[laughing] She runs up, and she is so happy.

Then I thought, “How could I be this embarrassed about something that makes people this happy?”

Loretta, you can do whatever you want.

If you don’t want to write anymore, don’t write.

But don’t minimize the people that love your work by calling it schlock.

That’s not fair to them.

You know what’s ironic? I thought you of all people would know not to judge a book by its cover.

Judge a book by its cover model.

[faint rumble]

[whispers] Alan?

Alan. [vehicle approaches]

[motorbike revs]

[Loretta panting]

There’s two of them.

Loretta! I’m over here! Alan!

Alan! Motorcycles and guns, motorcycles and guns!

[gunfire] Come on, this way!

[Alan] Stop shooting!

Just give ’em the parchment! I can’t.

Yes, you can, actually. You just say, “Here,” and throw it at ’em.

Right. And then I’m sure they’ll happily let us go.

Okay, keep down. How do they keep finding us?

You’re basically a walking disco ball. We need to come up with a plan.

I have an idea.

We’re gonna dig a hole, throw our voices.

“We’re over here.” Can you sound like a bird?

No, I have a plan. Alan, please, I’m thinking.

I know, but I have a plan. Please, just let me think about…

Wait a minute. They’re shooting at you. Yeah, that’s why we’re hiding.

No. No, no, no. They’re shooting only at you.

They won’t shoot me. It’s my brain that’s valuable.

What? I don’t think you actually hear the things you say sometimes.

Maybe I can shield you. You are not shielding me.

I should be shielding you. Why? Because I’m a woman?

That’s supremely sexist. Well, look, I don’t think using women as human shields is exactly the change that Gloria Seinfeld had in mind, do you?

Gloria Steinem? Whatever. Her too. You know what? Fine.

Please mansplain sexism to me right now. Oh, my God. I am a woman.

I can’t mansplain anything.

Uh, I’m a feminist, and I think a woman can do anything a man can do.

We just need to stay here until they get tired. I have an idea.

Please can I tell you my plan? Alan!

This is not a situation you can get out of by ripping your shirt off.

Not my shirt.

[Loretta] Three!



[crashing] Oh.

That was different than I had in my head.

I just wanted us to stop them. Could it have been the wind that made it do that?

No, I think it was us. I think… we did it.

We did the one guy, right? But that was, like…

We just wanted him to stop. But I think the other guy could’ve moved, really.

So, that was… that one was on him.

Even if we weren’t here, that could’ve happened.

Why are you gonna stop next to a cliff?

They were wearing helmets, so maybe they’re…

But the rest of their body didn’t have a helmet.

So there’d just be a head.

They were driving recklessly, right?

Don’t be mean on a bike.

Don’t do mean stuff on a bike.

I mean, perhaps they’re fine.

Yeah, probably not. But that’s okay.

That’s all right. You know, things happen. Let’s go.

You gonna put it back together?

It’s on loan.

[squawking, bleating]

Look at me. Okay.

What more can I do, you know?

You’ve done so much already, Beth.

My poor, sweet, little Nana has lost her sight.

The book release is a complete disaster, which I’ve leveraged everything on, so I’m probably, most definitely broke right now.

And most importantly, I’ve lost a writer.

Who does that? Who loses a writer?

Okay, Beth, you remind me of my best friend, Randy.

Always looking out for other people, never taking care of herself.

Isn’t that right, Randy?

[goat bleats] [chuckles]

She’s like my therapist, this one over here.

LOL. “Laughing Out Loud.”

After you take care of your friend, how about we go to a beach?

What? Look, I have a pickup in Hawaii.

She doesn’t have to come.


Okay! Okay, you can come!

[laughs] She’s hilarious.

Let me ask you something.

We’re all sitting here chitchatting, but who’s flying the plane?

Autopilot. What?

Sir, go to the cockpit, fly the plane.


I’m going to go land the plane.


No, no, no. Take the goat. Please, take the goat.

She’s on break. Enjoy the flight!


[music playing on speakers]

Hi. Hola.

This English dude came in and basically kidnapped her.

[line ringing]

Hey, it’s Beth. Please leave a message, and I’ll get right back to you.

[beeps] Uh, hi, Beth.

It’s me.

Uh, I’m alive!

Uh, listen, um… Uh… I’m sorry that I blew up the book tour.

Um… I was just afraid and selfish. Uh…

Oh, here comes Alan. I’ll call you back.

[puts down receiver]

So, uh, police are searching for Fairfax, and they’re gonna provide us protection while we’re here.

Did they say how long we’d be here?

They’re gonna try to get us on a puddle jumper later this evening.

But, uh, they said in the meantime, the inn is really nice, and we can get cleaned up and maybe a change of clothes.


Okay. Yeah.



Thank you.

Come on. [Speaks Spanish]

Dance with your husband.

[Alan] No, no, no. He’s not my husband.

It’s okay.

[woman] Dance with him.

No, no. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t have the right shoes.

Actually, it’s the only thing these shoes are right for.

You don’t have to do this.

It’s okay. It’s okay.


[boss a nova music plays]

[music slows]

[singing in Spanish]

I wonder what she’s saying.

[singing continues]

It’s folklore.

Love song about a woman whose lover died, and she didn’t want to leave his side.

So she laid down and refused to get up.

Must be scary.

Having to face your future without the person that you planned it with.

[singing in Spanish]

What was that?

Excuse me. Excuse me. The, um… the last line that you sang.

¿Quién llorará junto a mí?

[speaks Spanish]

[Loretta] “The island will weep for me in the well of endless tears.”

What is that, the well of endless tears? Is that a real place, or…

Sinkhole place.

[speaks Spanish]

Thank you. Gracias, gracias.

Come here, come here. What is it?

Hey, on the parchment, it said, “King Kalaman and his treasure laid to rest in the well of endless tears.”

I thought maybe it was a metaphor.

It’s not.

The Well of Endless Tears is a place.

It’s a sinkhole.

There’s a sinkhole on the map.

I think the tomb is there.

This is so much better than your books. What?

There’s like… No, I don’t mean any offense.

I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It’s, like, equal.

I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Look at you. You want to go there.

What? No. I can see. Yes, you do.

That would be insane. That would be insane. I just… I just…

It’s just that we’re so close to it, but, you know, we can’t…


This is your story. How do you want to write it?

I’d like to know that it’s there, that all this meant something.

Okay. Then let’s go.

We’ll stay one more day. As soon as the sun’s up, we’re gonna go find the Well of Endless Tears.

But what if it’s nothing? So what? Then we say we tried.

And Fairfax?

The cops are after Fairfax. Don’t worry about him.

This is crazy.

Yeah, but look at you. What?

It’s the very first time I’ve ever seen you totally unafraid.

And alive.

I’m gonna go tell them our plans have changed and find us a ride.

Where are you going?

I see you met my friend here.

He told me you were just about to jump on a plane, without so much as saying goodbye.

I said, “No way. Not my Loretta. Not when she’s the only one who can lead me to the tomb.”

[engine starts]

[Loretta] Stop squeezing so hard.

Ow. Get your hands off of me!

Ow! Let go!

I-I need a car.

A car, an auto. Does anybody have an auto?

No, no. No.

I-I-I need an auto.

I’ll trade you my watch.

It’s a really expensive watch. Do you have a car?

It’s a Bulgari. This thing glows in the dark.

It’s waterproof. I have motorcycle.

Cool, isn’t it?

I always thought, why can’t your personal tank also have a minibar?

Have a drink.

[exhales heavily] Do you mind?

[Fairfax] Uh, yes.

He has a bit of a grudge against you, I’m afraid.

Something about a motorbike accident his friends had?

Why are you doing this?

I want something nobody else has.

When my father gifted… [horn honks]

[horn honks]

As I was saying, when my father gifted his empire to my baby brother…

[horn honking]

[vehicle accelerating]

Who is that?

Is that a Ken doll on a moped?

I know him from somewhere.

[Loretta] Oh, I-I-I doubt that.

Because what you are looking at is a highly trained combat specialist, forged in the furnaces of Afghanistan, Iraq,

Kuwait, Sa… Sarasota…

Incredible skin. No eczema problems.

And he will not stop until I am safe!

So you pull this space tank over, unless you would like to perish like his friends did.

And he is responsible for their perishment.

He might not have meant to, but they… perished, so…

Okay, who-who is this?

I have seen him somewhere before.

[thuds] [Fairfax laughs]

No, no, no.

That’s your cover model, isn’t it?

Yes. I knew I knew him from somewhere.

Get up there.

And kill him creatively.

I love watching hunks fail.

[latch opens]

[wind whistling]

I guess I-I will have that drink.

Oh, shit.

Is it okay if I just top ‘er off?

[Fairfax] Yeah, that’s fine, but…

Oh, my God, have you used a glass before?

Sorry. [Chuckles]

[Alan] What would Jack Trainer do?

It’s hot in here.

Anyone else feeling how hot it is?

Are you trying to be sexy?

This is very weird. Please, stop.

I could set your world on fire.

[men shouting]

Go to sleep! Go to sleep! [grunting]

Go to sleep! Sleep!

[tires squealing] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Alan] Time-out.



No! Don’t shoot her! I need her!

[tires squealing]

[Alan] Oh, Jesus!

Ow, ow, ow.

Move your foot! Move your foot!


Go to sleep, asshole.

Get out there! Look!

A bigger guy? [Grunts]

Oh, no.


Move it!

[tires screech]

[Alan] No, no, no. No, no, no.

Hey! Get in.

Him or me?

This is not one of your cheap, vapid lady-fantasy books, Loretta.

This is real life.

And we will kill him.

Tell us where the tomb is.



Hi. So, whoever’s in charge, I need you to send officials to go here.


We are closed.

You’re closed?

You know I’ve been trying to take a nap for a year and a half?

A year and a half.

I have been burning the candle at both ends, the midnight oil, since way before my friend got kidnapped.

And all I want to do is kick my feet back and drink some wine that I’m probably too tired to drink.

And I want a massage.

I want someone to massage my shoulders and my feet, and I want it at the same time.

And I don’t care if logistically that doesn’t make sense.

Because I have worked hard.

The same way that I know that you have.

So I hate to ask you to leave this place open a few more minutes, because if we don’t, a very close friend of mine and her cover model are going to die.

[boat driver] No good way in, boss!

What about the caves?

That’s too dangerous!

Well, we’ll be very careful then.

Well, come on!

This way. [Alan] I have a rule about not going into super creepy caves.


Julian? [Loretta] His name is Julian?

[Alan] He seems more like a Buck or a Bruce.

Lead the way.

Go on. Don’t be scared.



[Loretta gasps]


[Julian] Watch your step there.

[grunts, shouts] [Alan] Bruce!

[Loretta] Julian. Oh, no! Julian!

[gasps] Whoa.

[shout fades] [Loretta] Whoa.

[Fairfax] Well…

Let’s not have his death be in vain.

Onward and upward.

What do you mean onward?

We’re not gonna go and get him now, are we?

[sighs] Oh, man.

[Loretta] It’s nothing. [Alan] Okay.

Yeah. Look, let’s just go back to the boat.

This is over. Nobody else has to die.

No, no, no. Ha-ha! It’s a breeze.

There’s a tunnel. This could lead to the tomb.

That’s not person-sized. Ah, speak for yourself.

Come on. It’s practically a kiddie slide.

More like a rock sphincter. Or a troll anus.

All right, well, you are going through the anus… the hole… the tunnel!

Why her? You are our canary in the coal mine.

No, that’s impossible. I can’t.

Please let us know if you get through.

If we don’t hear from you, Fabio’s got to die.

[Alan] Wait, I’m the damsel in distress?

It’s okay. I’m fine.

[wind whistling]







I can’t. I’m so sorry. I can’t.



Hey, you smell that?

You mean centuries worth of bat feces? Yes, I definitely smell that.

You gotta take a big breath for me.

[inhales deeply, exhales]

There you go.

You can do it, Loretta.


I think I see a way out.

[grunting, groans]

Oh, cheese and rice!


I made it!

I made it!


See? Totally safe.

Go on. Your turn.

[Alan] I’m coming through! Be right there, okay?


Why would they build this here?

But how is anyone supposed to worship or remember you if they can’t even see it?

[Loretta] They aren’t.

This isn’t a monument to Kalaman’s power.

It’s a hiding place for a grieving woman.

Taha came here to be with her fallen lover.

She just wanted to be alone.


Taha doesn’t want us here.

God, shut up, Rafi.

It’s just the volcano.

Come on.

[Alan] We have to keep going.

[Fairfax] All right. Let’s go, Muscles.

Open it up. [rumbling]

Don’t disturb them.

She will be wearing the headdress.

Come on. We didn’t come all this way just to pay our respects.

I can’t, um…

Uh… I’m sorry, abuela.

[both grunting]

[Alan grunts]

What is that?

[breathes heavily]

Are those… seashells?

The crown is made of seashells?

Where’s the treasure?

She’s holding him.

You mean the dead guy?

[Loretta] Look.

It’s their courtship.

Kalaman is searching the island for something.

Rare red seashells.

To prove his love, he gave her one shell every day for a year and made them into a crown, bright red like the flame of their love, until the day came where she accepted his proposal.

It was never about jewels.

Kalaman and Taha’s riches weren’t material.

It was their love.

That’s what it meant. That was enough.

[Fairfax] So that’s it?

All of that time and money spent on, what, just a cheap metaphor?

It’s a pretty rich metaphor. Oh, shut up!


We got to go. We got to go now.

Come on. Let’s go.

No, no, no. You are staying here.

You think it’s all so sweet and poetic.

Well, then you can stay here and spend your last moments pondering the richness of that metaphor.

Get in.

What? Come on, man.

Oh, God. Just get in. Get in the tomb.

Okay, okay.

[Alan] It’s better to be buried alive than buried dead, I guess.

[Loretta] It’s really not.

You know, it is a shame, really.

This is a hell of a story.

Pity you won’t be around to tell it. Come on.

But they’ll die.

So will you if you don’t stop being such a snowflake! Get over here!


[Loretta] This is fine. This is not an active nightmare I’ve had since I was 14 years old.

[Fairfax] Ow! [Grunts]

Why are you going so fast? It’s not a race.


[boat engine starts]

Wait, no! What are you doing? Come back here!

You may have bought the island, but now the island owns you!

You can’t just leave me here!

Rafi! Come back!

I need a boat!

Hey, hey, stop! Stop!

Help! Help!

One of the locals just stole my boat!

Have you seen a woman?

She’s a brunette in a sequined jumpsuit.

No. Is she in some sort of trouble?

[Loretta breathing heavily]

[both grunting]

It’s kind of funny.

I used to think this… this sort of thing was so romantic.


Being locked in a coffin about to be buried by lava, or… cuddling dead people?

Just laying down with a lost love.

Like Taha did.

[volcano rumbling]

God. Oh…

Oh, God.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be Dash.

You’re right.

You’re nothing like Dash.

You didn’t ride in on a white horse to save me.

You rode in on a… borrowed scooter with a broken muffler.



I never could’ve written a Dash like you.

‘Cause I never knew a Dash like Alan.

I was so afraid of being hurt by life again that I just stopped living.

Couldn’t see the good things in front of me.

I’m just so sorry I didn’t see you sooner.

I have a confession too.

See, I was really liking where this new story of ours was headed.

I just wanted to see how it was gonna turn out, I guess.

The Adventures of Loretta and Alan.

No, it would need a better title than that.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

Sorry. Just… Taha’s femur is poking me.

[volcano rumbling]

Rafi must have left that.

[Alan] How do you forget your crowbar? It’s gonna help us escape.

No, he left it on purpose.

Oh, cool. I always liked him.

One… Okay.

Two, three! Okay.

I would’ve preferred him to not leave us here in the first place, but…

[Alan] Okay.


Dulcius ex as per is.

Sweeter after difficulty.


Go up! Run for the trees!

Wait. Nope. Never mind. Trees are on fire.


We can go back through the tunnel.

Nope. Tunnel’s a no-go.

[Alan] Um, okay. I’m open to other ideas.

There’s a current. We can follow it into the ocean.

How do we know what’s on the other side?

We don’t.

There’s only one way to find out.

Worth the rash. Yeah?





A… [coughs] Alan?


Oh, my God! You’re alive!

I’m alive. Oh, my God. I thought I killed you.


Is that Beth?

[Beth] Loretta!

[Loretta] Beth!

[Alan] Beth!

[Loretta] Beth!


Beth, you’re here!

Why are you here?

I told you I got your back, girl!

I’m so sorry!

I destroyed the jumpsuit!


Never mind! Later.

I found a British guy in a cave.

I thought he was a little boy, but he has a full beard.

Beth, that’s Fairfax! He kidnapped us!

[Alan] He’s a bad guy, Beth! He killed my trainer!

Get him!

Stop him!



I got your back, girl.

Where were you running? It’s a boat.

This guy’s hilarious. [laughs]

Got you.

[Beth] Swim over to the rock!

I don’t got you. No, I got you. I got you.

We’re gonna get you. It’s gonna be okay.

[Allison] “Finding refuge on a nearby rock, he lifted her from the water, his powerful arms pulling her body close. Alan whispered…”

Shh. You’re safe now.

[Alan] “In that moment, Loretta could feel a new adventure was just beginning.”

“The heart-pounding passion of the narrow escape only inflamed Loretta’s desire for him. She was thirsty for the hot lava soon to be pulsing from his…”

Don’t you go stopping right at the good part.

[chuckles] [laughs]

It’s nothing she hasn’t read before.

Didn’t I tell you?

The most beautiful beach in the world.

Maybe later, I’ll show you the Cove of Enchantment?

No, you can take Randy.

Remember, you are my platonic man friend.

Platonic? I like the sound of that.

Not sure what it means, but I like the sound of it.

Here you go, Randy. [Grunts]

My dear. You are an angel. Thank you.

How did you know?

Nice way to end a book tour, right? Mm-hmm.

[sighs] Um…

You know, I have a phrase I like to use in moments like these, actually.


Quid deinde?

It’s Latin. It means, uh, “What’s next?”

Quid cogitas?


Buca di Beppo.

[both laughing]

Yeah. I know zero other Latin. No. Yes.

I looked it up for this moment right now.

[sighs] So, what does come next?

How would you write this? I don’t know.

How would you write it? Do we really want me to write this?

Just try. Take a stab at it. Okay. I’ll write it.


“We were… They were, uh… standing on a beach.”

Sets the stage for the audience. They know where we are.

You’re already laughing. Why are you laughing at me?

I’m not laughing. I’m smiling. You are.

“There are palm trees above a brown bark-like hair of the maiden. There is a dead jellyfish…”

All you’re doing is describing what you’re actually seeing right now.

“He’s nervous because he really likes her.”

It’s nice writing.

Thanks. You’re welcome.

I’ll keep going.

“He looked deep in her eyes.”

The only thing that could compare to the pulse of that ocean “was the throbbing in the…”

Okay, no, you can’t throb. Why not?

Can’t come out of the gate with a throb.

You throb all the time. I don’t come out of the gate with it.

You have to earn the throb. Who made you the queen of throb?

It’s usually a chapter four thing. You want it brought up appropriately in four.

I think you throb in all the chapters. “Pulsating.”

It’s a precursor to throb.

“Undulating.” You just jumped to five.

How ’bout they just kiss? Why not? Just like a regular kiss?

Yeah. Like a beginning-of-the-chapter kiss.

I’m good at starting…

How was that? Any notes?

Very good first chapter attempt.

♪ Bad chick I could be your fantasy ♪

♪ I can tell You got big, big energy ♪

♪ It ain’t too many of ’em That can handle me ♪

♪ But I might let you try it Off the Hennessy ♪

♪ Make ’em sang to this thing Like a melody ♪

♪ And if your girl ain’t right I got the remedy ♪

♪ It ain’t too many of ’em That can handle me ♪

♪ Bad chick I could be your fantasy ♪

♪ Tell me how you want it ♪

♪ Three, two, one And I’m on it ♪

♪ Feel good, don’t it? Hood chick, you in a bonnet ♪

♪ I’ma bust it on a pole Like Onyx ♪

♪ I’m just being honest Juicy, Minute Maid ♪

♪ But can’t do it One minute, man ♪

♪ Not a side or a main I’m the only one he entertain ♪

♪ Spending his Mine in the bank ♪

♪ I like what I see A boss like you Need a boss like me ♪

♪ Daddy from the street So he move low key ♪

♪ Tryna ride that mic Like karaoke ♪

♪ On the count of three Bad, get money ♪

♪ Broke to the left We don’t want it ♪

♪ I’m the one they love to hate But they can’t get past ♪

♪ Pretty face, no waist And a big old back ♪

♪ Bad chick I could be your fantasy ♪

♪ I can tell you got Big, big energy ♪

♪ It ain’t too many of ’em That can handle me ♪

♪ But I might let you try it Off the Hennessy ♪

♪ Make ’em sing to this thing Like a melody ♪

♪ And if your girl ain’t right I got the remedy ♪

♪ It ain’t too many of ’em That can handle me ♪

♪ Bad chick I could be your fantasy ♪

♪ Got that real big energy… ♪

[wind chimes tinkling]





You were dead.

Your brains came out of your face and hit the back of my throat.

He was in my mouth.

Don’t say he was in your mouth.

I could taste you.

Don’t ever say that.

We only use 10% of our brain, so I just switched to another 10%.

[whispers] So, you’re okay?

One hundred percent.

Meaning 10%.

We thought you were dead.

Naturally, I have some anger issues I need to let go of.

[Loretta] Of course. And resentment.

So good to see you, man.

[instructor] Okay, let’s keep the chatter down.

We’re closing our eyes and reconnecting to our breath.




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