The Addams Family 2 (2021) | Transcript

The Addams get tangled up in more wacky adventures and find themselves involved in hilarious run-ins with all sorts of unsuspecting characters. Sequel to the 2019 animated film, 'The Addams Family'.
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The Addams Family 2 (2021)

Everyone’s favorite spooky family is back in the animated comedy sequel, The Addams Family 2. In this all new movie we find Morticia and Gomez distraught that their children are growing up, skipping family dinners, and totally consumed with “scream time.” To reclaim their bond they decide to cram Wednesday, Pugsley, Uncle Fester and the crew into their haunted camper and hit the road for one last miserable family vacation. Their adventure across America takes them out of their element and into hilarious run-ins with their iconic cousin, It, as well as many new kooky characters. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

[speaking Latin]

[girl] Hello!

English, please.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

That girl is a lot.

[loud thud]

[gasps]

[rattling]

[crackling]

I told you, Pugsley. It’s push, not pull.

Hello, everyone!

I can’t believe parents let their children go out like this.

They’re all so clean, shiny.

[Gomez] Oh, it’s not all bad, my dear.

At least they pit the children against each other in a competition that will inevitably scar the losers forever.

Behold! The gift of Prometheus!

[both cheering]

Ugh.

Step aside, kid.

I’ll show you how it’s done.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

[girl] What?

[continues grunting]

[girls gasp]

[Wednesday] Ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, come on. Wednesday is next.

Have you ever found yourself discontented by those closest to you?

Are you irked by their inability to heed simple requests?

Such as, “Please don’t come to my science fair.”

[chuckling] She’s talking about us.

[Wednesday] Do you ever wish you could take their undesirable qualities and eliminate them forever? It can be done. Meet my Uncle Fester.

Hello!

[screams]

[man gags]

[body thuds]

That’s my brother.

Observe.

Hmm.

[sniffs]

[rattles]

Mm.

[grunts]

[chomping]

[burps]

[all groan]

[woman] Come on!

Stomach-turning, isn’t it? In stark contrast, however, is Socrates.

[all] Aw.

Psst! Are you gonna eat that?

This led me to ponder the question, what if personality traits could be extracted and implanted between creatures?

[liquid sloshes]

Bottoms up.

Mmm. [smacks lips]

Ooh.

[bell dings]

[crowd applauding]

[chuckles] Yay! All right! Thank you, thank you. What happened?

[crunching]

[laughs] Is there a single person in the history of the world who’s made more of a breakthrough?

She’s an enfant terrible. With the focus on terrible.

Cara mia, you know what French does to me.

[announcer] And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Here to present the awards at this year’s Strange Foundation National Science Fair, is the brilliant innovator and the namesake of our foundation, Cyrus Strange.

[laughing]

Hello, everyone. Oh! [glitches slightly] I’m so honored to be here. But, well, I’m not actually there, I’m… here! [laughing]

[people gasp]

Well, you get it. Welcome to this year’s science fair. I’m excited to honor this group of brilliant minds we have before us. [glitching] Let’s proceed.

[announcer] And the winner is…

Good luck.

[chuckles]

Oh. You were serious.

[announcer] Everyone who participated.

What?

[announcer] That’s right. This year, we are embracing a new philosophy. Just trying makes you a winner.

But how can you be a winner if no one is a loser?

[announcer] Every single one of you is special.

Disagree. He’s not special. Did you see his volcano? What was that? Baking soda? Is this the third grade? It does not count! Don’t you get it? Ugh.

I get it, Wednesday. I watched your presentation. It was brilliant.

Yes, I’m aware of that.

I see a kindred spirit in you. Mm-hmm. The makings of a great mind. If you’d like to share your research with me, I could develop it further in my lab. Imagine what would happen if we combined your data with the proper resources?

Alas, I can’t share any of that. It’s a family secret.

I see. And which family is yours?

Fire in the hole!

[“Welcome to the Madhouse” playing]

♪ Welcome to the madhouse ♪

Oh.

[screaming]

Pretty hot, eh, ladies?

Nice job, Romeo.

♪ Welcome to the madhouse ♪

♪ Where they all come back For more ♪

♪ Welcome to the madhouse ♪

Morticia, my queen, you inflame me. I feel liquid magma lapping at my body.

You’re on fire, dear.

Ha! So I am!

[dance-pop music resumes]

My condolences.

[Fester laughing]

♪ Welcome to the madhouse ♪


[theme music playing]

[thunder crashing]

Great thinkers need obstacles to function. Yet, with every meaningless trophy, I become more and more unremarkable. And with every hug, more brain cells erode. But, like the phoenix from the ashes, I shall rise above this setback. Together, we shall turn heads, Socrates. Starting with Pugsley.

[Pugsley squeaks]

[bones crack]

[groans]

[grunts]

Love hurts, huh, kid?

Huh?

Well, I saw you swing and miss horribly with the ladies at the science fair. So, I thought you should read my book! The Fester Method: How to Woo and Other Tips on Love.

[laughs]

You wrote this?

Self-published, on the Internet. Not easy to do. Pugsley, I’ve been on three first dates. I mean, who else has that kind of experience?

I know this, uh, goes against guy code, but what are you doing Friday night?

[fanfare blaring]

[gasps]

Hey, you kids, come on down here. It’s dinner time.

[Fester] Mmm.

[yelps]

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

[Pugsley coughs]

It’s dinner time, my favorite nighttime meal!

[yelps] My balls! Ow, ow. My stomach! [grunting]

[Grandma screams]

Uh-oh, my head!

[screaming]

[laughs] Mmm.

Oh!

[groans]

[Fester groans]

Please, Uncle Fester, wait for the children.

Children? I thought we were having chicken.

Where are those two? Pugsley may have an appetite for destruction, but it’s never a match for his stomach.

I wouldn’t wait on Pugsley. Kid’s got a lot of homework to do.

[sighs] This generation. Let’s at least wait for Wednesday.

[glass shatters]

Why does nobody in this family come in through the front door?

“Dearest Mother and Father, I will not be attending this evening’s ritual mastication.”

I guess she’s not hungry.

“It’s not that I’m not hungry, I am just choosing to spare myself the agony of your compliments on my performance today and your needy attempt to hang my award above the fireplace.”

I should go try to talk to her.

[Morticia] “Don’t try to talk to me. I want to be alone.”

We should bring her a plate at least.

“P.S. Don’t even bring me a plate.”

[groans] This is the third dinner Wednesday has skipped this week. Why is she avoiding us? All I ever do is try to love and support her.

Gomez, I think she’s saying that’s the problem.

You’re brilliant, cara mia.

What?

She’s trying to tell me that what a young girl wants is a ton of attention from her father.

Or you could just keep being yourself. Let her come back to us when she’s ready.

But that could take forever! [gasps] I have the very solution to the problem, cara mia. We’ll take a family road trip.

What?

You’ve always wanted to see more of this great country.

Well, it’s true. We have some of the best dark secrets, as countries go.

Then it’s settled! We are going on an Addams family vacation!


[rooster crowing]

[Gomez] Come on, kids. Feast your eyes on the old Addams camper. Thing’s been fixing it up.

[gulps, slurps]

It’s a hybrid.

Half car, half eyesore.

[Wednesday] Mother, Father, this is cruel. Even for you.

[Lurch groans]

That’s the spirit, Lurch.

[groans]

[horn screams]

Ha-ha!

Let’s go, Wednesday. It’s time for some family bonding. Whether you like it or not. You see, Wednesday, this trip will bring the Addams family closer than ever before. [chuckles]

[Pugsley straining]

Or there will be no survivors.

[man] Hello? Anybody home? Hello? Mr. Addams?

Hello, good sir! I am Gomez Addams. And this is my wife, Morticia.

Charmed.

I’ll get right to the point. My name is Mustela. I’m a lawyer representing a couple in Sausalito, California. Recent evidence has come to light that on the night of my client’s daughter’s birth, she may have been switched with another child at the hospital. Namely, a Wednesday Addams.

[Morticia snickers]

[laughing hysterically]

Ooh, hilarious! All this, just to get out of a family road trip.

How much did Wednesday pay you?

Excuse me?

Oh! Sorry, sorry, where are my manners? I think he’s expecting a tip.

No, I’m expecting a DNA sample. If you’ll bring the child here, we can…

I never seem to have a tip.

[Mr. Mustela gasps]

I do. Great Uncle Zander left me these tips in his will. I knew one day they’d come in handy.

There you go, my good man. Well played. Very amusing indeed.

I assure you, Mr. Addams, there’s nothing amusing about this. And this is far from over!

I can’t believe he gave me the finger.

Mother, Father, who was that man?

Very funny, Wednesday.

[laughs] Nice try.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who was he?

No one for you to worry about.

No one at all, dear.

Hmm.

[Morticia] Thank you for watching the house while we’re gone, Grandma. It’s such a relief to know it’s in safe hands.

Oh, please. Trust me, these hands have cracked many safes.

Thing, let the vacation commence!

[engine starts]

Let’s roll!

[up-tempo music playing]

[tires screeching]

Bye! Farewell! Adios! Toodle-oo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! I thought they’d never leave.

[spirit] Let’s party!

[Grandma laughs]

You read my mind, chuckles. Time to make some money.

I thought that first, we shall pay our respects to the immolated in the witch-haunted city of Salem. Then, in the great nomadic tradition of our ancestors, we’ll flit hither and thither across this great nation until we reach our final destination.

[muffled screaming]

The place on Earth where people are happiest! Death Valley! We’ll be gone for three weeks.

Three weeks?

You’re both growing up so fast. Soon, you’ll move out, and it’ll be nice to have a memory we could look back upon. No matter how terrible.

Ooh, like prom night.

[up-tempo music continues]

♪ This family ‘Bout to go global ♪

[horn blares]

I can’t believe the boss made me bring backup. No offense, I just really don’t see what you bring to the table.

[growls]

All I know is, if we don’t get that girl and bring her back to Sausalito, we’ll both be fired.

[growls]

Oh, ugh. Mint? You know what? Take ’em all.

[up-tempo music continues]

♪ This family ‘Bout to go global ♪

[eerie vocalizing]

[continues vocalizing]

Ooh, ooh, ooh. And then it goes…

[vocalizing in deep voice]

Anyway, it’s not finished yet, but it’s my best rock opera yet. I’m calling it Rocktapus. I wrote it in the bath. I’ve been taking a lot of baths recently. You know, I think it’s…

[bell dings]

[Fester gasps]

All that beautiful water! [echoes] Forget Salem! We know how it turned out. Change of plans.

[tires screeching]

Thing, how did this happen? We were supposed to be in Salem.

Ah, don’t be mad, brother. Niagara Falls is the great Wonder of the World and kills the most tourists with its powerful, seductive water. [echoes]

[water bubbling]

[Gomez muffled] Fester? Fester?

[muffling stops] Hey, Fester.

[shaking wetly]

Are you feeling all right? You’re not your usual creepy self.

Not especially. Will you take a look at this? Does this seem off to you?

[sniffing]

It smells okay, but make sure to put it in the fridge. Seafood turns very quickly.

Having fun?

I’m staring at Canada, if that answers your question.

I’m sorry, Wednesday. I know how much you wanted to see where girls your age were burned at the stake. What did you call them again?

Squad goals.

What do you say we do a little exploring? Just us.

I saw a vintage store in town. Maybe it’s time for you to try out a more mature look.

The little black dress is a classic, Mother.

There’s my little holy terror.

[groans]

You know how I feel about hugs, Father.

[gasps, chuckles]

Did you know dozens of people tried to go over these falls in wooden barrels?

Does anyone survive?

Some do. Some don’t. I hear it’s a barrel of fun. [laughs]

[Wednesday groans]

Pugsley, have you ever worn a coat of live bees?

[girl laughs] OMG. I should totes take a selfie of this moment.

[camera clicking]

Ah! This is the perfect opportunity to try out the moves in my book. The key with women is to make a strong first impression.

You mean like a bad smell?

Well, that goes without saying. What I mean is, it’s important to make a big splash. Are you with me, kid?

[grunts]

[girls gasp]

Huh?

[Pugsley] Ouch! I just skinned my knee falling for you.

[both laughing]

That’s so corny.

Ugh. Did you get that from a book?

Uh-oh. Uh…

[girls laughing]

Leave this to me.

Excuse me, vacuous lemmings.

[gasps] Oh, come on.

[“Jump Around” playing]

[Pugsley whimpering]

♪ Pack it up, pack it in Let me begin ♪

♪ I came to win Battle me, that’s a sin ♪

♪ I won’t ever slack up Punk, you better back up ♪

♪ Try and play the role And, yo ♪

♪ The whole crew’ll act up ♪

[mimics explosion]

♪ I came to get down I came to get down ♪

♪ So get out your seat And jump around ♪

♪ Jump around! ♪

[grunting]

Stop! No! [groaning]

♪ Jump around! ♪

[all laughing]

♪ Jump up, jump up And get down! ♪

♪ Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! ♪

♪ Everybody jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! ♪

♪ Everybody jump! ♪

[screaming]

Madison, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

[Pugsley screaming]

[Madison gasps]

[shrieks] Help!

Is that a maybe?

[screaming]

[grunts, screaming]

[whimpering]

[screaming]

[crowd gasps]

[grunts, screaming]

[all exclaim]

Right in the Niagara balls!

[muffled groaning]

[yelps]

[Gomez] Nobody is renting barrels. I had to buy 300 pickles just to get these.

[Mr. Mustela] You go that way. I’ll look over here.

Gomez, look. Isn’t that the weaselly man who came to the house looking for Wednesday?

Well, I have to admit, I admire the man’s tenacity. Wednesday, let’s try a little family trust-building exercise.

I don’t believe in exercise.

[Gomez] Sorry!

[Wednesday grunting]

[yelps]

[growls]

Excelsior! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[groans]

Hey, hey, wait for me! I wanna go in the water too!

[both grunting]

[both yelling]

[bird squawks]

[Mr. Mustela] Help! Pongo!

Guess that takes care of that.

Hey, where’s Pugsley?

[water bubbles]

Well, look at this, a tiny floating person.

[doll squeaks]

[muffled groan]

Oh! There he is.

[gasps, coughing]

How great was that, Wednesday? And we both survived. Another thing we have in common.

Okay, what’s going on?

[Morticia] Whatever do you mean?

Father. His erratic behavior. This last-minute family trip to make memories. Giving hugs. It’s torture. And not the fun kind, like putting leeches in Pugsley’s briefs. Anyway, I’m quite sure he’s dying.

What?

Don’t worry.

I won’t tell Pugsley. Not yet. He’ll enjoy the surprise. But if you’re afraid to ask my permission to take a new lover, just know you have it.

[Fester chittering]

[Pugsley sighs tiredly]

[“Mommy’s Little Monster” playing]

♪ Mommy’s little monster Dropped out of school ♪

[Pugsley groans] Ouch! Mom, tell her to stop!

[Morticia] Please, darlings, quiet down. I’m trying to find a signal.

[Pugsley yelps]

[growls]

[Pugsley] Ow! Mom, help!

[sighs]

Gomez, have you heard from your mother yet? She’s not answering my texts.

Oh, she’s probably having an early night. The woman is almost 102 years old, after all.

♪ Let’s rock this party ♪

Whoo! [laughs]

[dance music playing]

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Let’s rock this party, yeah ♪

Whoo-hoo!

[laughing]

We’re here for the party!

Whoop-la!

Tickets, please!

Wow, this place is a whole mood.

Well, if you’re in the mood to party, step right this way.

Whoa! This plant totes slaps!

No, darling, she snaps.

[both shriek]

Oh, don’t worry, don’t worry. She’s on a vegan diet. In that she only eats vegans. [laughing]

And who’s the headliner?

Uh… Uh… The Talking Heads.

For reals?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, they’re right over there.

♪ You ’bout that lifestyle ♪

♪ Lifestyle ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

[head beatboxing]

♪ Diamonds ain’t got nothin’ On you, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ We ’bout that lifestyle ♪

Um… I didn’t pay $500 to watch a bunch of puppets.

What? Do you know how hard it is to decapitate an entire barber shop quartet?

[all gasp]

Ew! Refund, please.

No, no, no. [chuckles] Let’s not be hasty. [sputters] I was just joking. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. And… And trust me, the headliner will make serious headlines. [chuckles]

[heads] ♪ You ’bout that lifestyle ♪

[groans]

♪ Lifestyle, lifestyle ♪

♪ Lifestyle ♪

[owl hooting]

[Gomez] It was the dead of night. The witching hour.

[disembodied cackling]

The wolf howled.

[howling]

And then she heard a scratching at the door. Scratch, scratch, scratch. She slowly opened it to reveal a puppy!

[gasps]

And around its neck was a bow!

[screams]

Mm. Gomez.

[laughing]

You remember when I first told you that one, Pugsley? You must’ve been two months old. Oh, you’d scream and scream until you wet yourself.

Some things never change.

She’s not back yet. She said she wanted to be alone, but how long does that take?

[Kitty growls]

There she is. How did it go out there, Wednesday?

[Gomez] Did Kitty do his business?

Indeed.

[Pugsley groans] Ew!

Come, come. Join us. We were just telling stories of when Pugsley was born. He kept us up all night, howling. [chuckles]

Wednesday, you were the opposite. I’ve never heard of a baby being completely silent before.

[Pugsley groans]

Ah, yes, I remember the night Wednesday was born. It was a Tuesday. All tucked in tight in the hospital nursery. She was silent as a jellyfish. Even when all the other little babies started bawling.

[chuckles] What do you mean?

Oh, I never told you this story?

Start talking.

[Fester] Well, I was looking for a bathroom because I’d eaten all of the patients’ pudding that they left behind, when I took a wrong turn into the hospital nursery.

[music playing on speakers]

♪ I’d tip my hat to you ♪

♪ I’d do just that ♪

[babies wailing]

[music stops]

[Fester] And that’s when I spotted her. I just wanted to get a better look at my new niece. But a bunch of the babies started wailing their heads off. So, I remembered the age-old Addams family nursery trick.

[Fester grunting]

[babies continue wailing]

[grunts]

And sure enough, they all fell asleep.

[coos]

And I put all the babies back where I found them. I think. Pretty sure.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Kitty needs a walk.

Right away.

[Wednesday] But I just walked…

[Morticia] Fester, you’re in charge.

[Fester] I wonder if I could juggle actual children. Wednesday, Pugsley, bring it in, let’s find out. You never know until you try.

[Pugsley laughing]

And if one of you falls on your head, well, lesson learned.

Hard to believe women don’t want to talk to either of you.

[Morticia] Gomez, what if what that lawyer said is true? These people are not going to give up. They’ll keep coming until they take her away.

Let him come! They shall know us by our trail of dead.

[Morticia] Ugh. That’s your answer to everything.

[sighs] I only wish I did have the answer for it, querida.

[gasps]

Tish! That’s it. I may not have the answer, but I know someone who will.

[Morticia] I hope so. Whatever we do, we can’t let Wednesday find out she might not be our daughter.

Could it be true? Could I have been misplaced in my infancy? Grown up with a delusion that I am one person, when in fact, I am someone completely different. Now this is the origin story an innovator like me deserves. It would make a fascinating first chapter in my memoir. Can you imagine?

[gurgling]

[Gomez] Come on, kids! Up and Addams! Thing, head south. What we need is a little old-fashioned Addams fun! Ha-ha!

[thunder crashes]

[man 1] I got it. Oh! There we go.

[man 2] Oh, dude!

Hey, freak! Pass it back!

[chuckles]

I’m not a freak. I’m a force of nature.

Some force of nature. So weak.

[device hums]

[gasps]

Guys, you see this?

What’s going on? what Is it?

[Latin hip-hop music playing]

[groans]

[both groaning]

♪ I only hang with the family ‘Cause nobody can handle me ♪

♪ Try to act like I’m scary Because I’m somethin’ They never seen ♪

[Kitty grunts]

♪ My whole room like a vanity I’m in love with myself ♪

♪ But they can’t touch me When I’m feelin’ myself ♪

[singing in Spanish]

Oh, my. It looks like some unfortunate soul has dropped a small fortune in the sand.

That’s mine! [grunts]

[groaning]

♪ I’ve been around Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ With other girls Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Lame!

[all laughing]

[sighs] It looks like we need to go over Chapter 3, “How to be Repulsive and Impress Girls.” I’ll be right back. I gotta go use the bathroom.

♪ Wherever we are Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feels like home Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love that crazy baby ♪

[Lurch groans]

♪ Shake it ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪ Wherever we are Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feels like home Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[woman snickers]

[gasps, screams]

Shark! Shark!

[all screaming]

[kids crying]

[woman] Run for your lives!

Hyah! See? Now that’s how you attract attention.

[airhorn toots]

[hip-hop music playing]

Ah! There he is. The man we came to see.

[engine accelerating]

[hip-hop music continues]

♪ What do ladies say? Ladies, what do ladies say? ♪

♪ Ladies, what do ladies say? ♪

♪ “Yeah, Dogg We got your back” ♪

♪ What my homies say, homies? ♪

♪ Where the gangstas at? ♪

♪ Gangsta bored, gangsta say ♪

♪ “Yeah, Dogg We got your back” ♪

♪ We own it like we want it We beat it till we beat it ♪

♪ And only you can give it to us ‘Cause you know we need it ♪

[Gomez] It!

Good to see you, my bewhiskered cousin. You made it.

[babbling]

Mm. It’s in Florida for spring break. Ghouls Gone Wild, am I right? [laughs] He’s going to join us on our trip.

Hold on. He’s coming in the camper? We’re cramped enough as it is. And he sheds, Morticia.

Oh, Fester, he’s family. The more the hairier.

[Fester] Well, if he’s allowed on the couch, then so am I!

[folk music playing]

[snoring]

[thud]

[Pugsley groans]

[mumbling] No, no, no! I said cut the red wire. [grunts] I can’t believe Taylor Swift wants to date me. [chuckles] Me. Make sure to close the door when you go into outer space. [groans] Yes, Beyoncé, I would love to share my ham with you.

[on speakers] ♪ With a load of iron ore ♪

♪ 26,000 tons more ♪

[moaning softly]

♪ Than the Edmund Fitzgerald Weighed empty ♪

♪ That good ship and true Was a bone to be chewed ♪

[distorting] ♪ When the gales Of November came early ♪

♪ The ship was the pride ♪

♪ Of the American side ♪

[car horn blares]

♪ Coming back from some mill In Wisconsin ♪

[slurping]

♪ As the big freighters go It was bigger than most ♪

[folk music stops]

♪ One, two, three, go ♪

[“Deleter” playing on speakers]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ All this time I thought you were a leader ♪

♪ It turns out You’re only a deleter ♪

[It babbling]

[It yelps]

[retching]

[gags]

[It babbling]

[retches]

Morticia, I told you so. There’s hairballs everywhere.

[It babbling]

[Fester] Yeah, and the same to you, fuzzface.

[It babbling]

How could you tell?

[babbling]

Did it ever bother you that you were so different from the rest of the family?

[babbling]

A rebellious phase?

[babbling]

You shaved your entire body as a teenager?

[babbling]

Oh. So that’s what changed. You owned who you were.

[babbling]

That’s the problem. I don’t know who I am.

[ringtone playing] ♪ Drop it like it’s hot ♪

♪ Drop it like it’s hot ♪

[babbling]

[Grandma] Get over here ASAP. I went too far this time and things are getting hairy! No offense.

Let’s do this!

[growls]

[horn blares]

[Mr. Mustela screams]

It’s that lawyer, Gomez. He’s found us again.

He wants what we have. Well, he won’t get her.

[Pugsley chomping]

Good, Pugsley. Right this way.

How about a fun family travel game? Everyone around the table.

[Wednesday] Ugh.

[engine revving]

[Mr. Mustela yelping]

[whimpering]

[yelps]

[Pongo growls]

[tires screeching]

[growls]

[Mr. Mustela grunts]

So, what shall we play?

How about Punch Buggy?

Punch…

[Mr. Mustela yelps]

…buggy.

[both grunting]

[Mr. Mustela yelps]

[screams]

[Pongo growls]

[manure squelches]

[cow moos]

We need to step on it. And we’ll need a place to hide.

I have just the place, querida.

Thing, turn here.

[tires screech]

[Fester] Look out!

[both yell]

[horns blaring]

You sure this is the right place, Pop?

Yes, son. The Alamo. You can sense that many lives were lost here. Let us take a moment to pay our respects.

[engine roaring]

[horn beeps]

[gasps] Okay. Enough respect. Everyone in!

[doorbell tinkles]

[gasps]

Look at y’all’s costumes!

[Lurch groaning]

You guys are a little early for the Halloween pageant. Today, we’re on the hunt for our next Little Miss Jalapeno Pepper.

[country music playing on speakers]

[muffled knocking]

[Mr. Mustela] Hello? Wednesday!

[Gomez gasps]

Wednesday Addams! Are you in there? Hello?

[in Southern accent] Well, burn my biscuits. This here’s our little tumbleweed. And she’s a-fixin’ to be the Lone Star of this here rodeo!

What?

Well, in that case, we better get you all gussied up, hon.

Father, this will not end well for you.

[Mr. Mustela] Wednesday!

[knocking continues]

[Kitty growls]

[Mr. Mustela exclaims]

Gomez, what are you doing?

[in normal voice] Just follow my lead.

[in Southern accent] Howdy. We’re oil tycoons.

Oil tycoons? How can I… Eesh!

We’re a-fixin’ to find ourselves some fancy new Texas threads.

Will this be enough to cover it?

[bell dings]

[gasps] Mm.

[indistinct chatter]

[spray hissing]

[girl 1 giggles]

[girl 1] Yeah! Check it out!

[woman] Now just hold still, sweetie.

[girl 2] Make it tighter.

[girl 3] Hi. What’s your talent?

I can read minds.

[scoffs] No, you can’t.

Yes, I can.

[girl 3 gasps] This isn’t really happening.

It is really happening.

[girl 3] Think of a number. Uh, number seven.

Seven.

[gasps] Uh, purple.

Purple.

My worst nightmare.

Hippopotamus riding a bicycle.

What’s your name?

Wednesday, what’s yours?

I don’t wanna tell you.

[in deep voice] Hello, Peggy.

[screaming]

[in normal voice] I know. Just give me the trophy already.

[audience murmuring]

[Fester imitates horse neighing, giggles]

I look like Uncle Sam threw up all over me.

Very good, Pugsley. Blend in.

If you have to interact with any of the locals, remember, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

[gasps]

[It babbles]

[boy shudders]

Oh, my word!

These are the perfect disguises. It’s like we’re invisible. [chuckles]

[audience applauding]

[cheerful piano music playing]

[Wednesday grunts]

[breathing heavily]

We’re dead, Gomez.

♪ Are my ribbons tied? ♪

[Wednesday gasps]

♪ Is my hair in place? ♪

♪ Have I got a cute expression On my face? ♪

♪ Are my shoes all shined? ♪

♪ I try to keep in line ♪

♪ When I’m dancing In the show tonight ♪

♪ Does my shuffle-step Really look so good? ♪

[Pongo growls]

♪ Am I doing it the way You think I should? ♪

♪ Would it be amiss If I blew a kiss? ♪

♪ When I’m dancing In the show tonight ♪

Ah. The only girls I see here are perfectly normal.

♪ Showtime now Is getting nearer ♪

♪ And I’m getting scared ♪

[Wednesday yelps, grunts]

♪ Wish I could see In the mirror ♪

Ugh!

♪ If I’m all prepared ♪

♪ First you take a step ♪

♪ Then you point your toe ♪

[Wednesday grunting]

♪ Hope I know it Like I did a week ago ♪

♪ Am I standing straight? ♪

♪ I can hardly wait ♪

♪ Till I’m dancing In the show tonight ♪

[girls screaming]

[girls continue screaming]

Brava! Bravissima!

[Fester cheering]

Hear, hear! Bella!

There she is!

[gasps]

[in Southern accent] Hey, y’all! That man right there is one of the top talent agents in the world!

[shouting excitedly in Spanish]

[Mr. Mustela yells and grunts]

[girl] What?

[all screaming]

[bell jingling]

[drawn out] You rang?

Quick, Lurch. Grab Wednesday.

[grunts]

[people yelping]

[imitates horse neighing, giggles]

[Mr. Mustela] Help! Pongo!

[Fester grunting]

[Pugsley yelps]

[Fester] Hello. Hi.

[tires screeching]

[grunts] I’ll find you, Wednesday Addams!


You have traumatized me beyond all recognition.

She looks the same to me.

Who is that man? I know he’s not a talent agent. He’s the same man who came to the house.

You’re right. [sighs] You’re far too clever for us to pull the wool over your eyes. That man is a door-to-door salesman.

Gomez.

And what is he selling?

Uh… Tupperware? Knives? Makeup. Uh… Uh, frozen steaks. Life insurance for cows. Uh, they need it. The steak industry is, oh, brutal.

Okay. If that’s the way you want to play it. I’m going to go give Pugsley a haircut.

I think he’s taking a nap.

[Wednesday] Exactly.

That was easy.

[“Lonesome Loser” playing on speaker]

♪ You can’t run and hide ♪

♪ Have you heard About the lonesome loser? ♪

♪ Beaten by the queen of hearts Every time ♪

[Lurch groans]

I’m not sure Wednesday believed us.

I’m sure she would have said something if she didn’t. If there’s one thing we can count on Wednesday for, it’s honesty. She certainly lets me know when I’m embarrassing her or hovering or being uncool.

[metal clicks]

[It babbling]

Children are like socks in the laundry? They need to be lost in order to be found? That’s brilliant!

Yes. We should find a place, lie low for a while, and this whole thing will just blow over.

Lurch, old boy, top it off. We have places to be.

[song continues on speaker]

[Lurch groaning]

[truck driver screaming]

[gasping]

[blasting]


[yawns and grunts]

Where’s Kitty? He needs a walk.

He’s asleep. He and It hit the catnip pretty hard last night.

[hip-hop music playing on speaker]

♪ What chu need? I got a hookup on the plug ♪

[Fester] Ooh! Uh-oh. Yeah, I finally got off diapers, so this is gonna happen. Gotta go clean myself up.

[people gasping]

Pardon me.

Gomez, have you noticed changes in Fester’s body lately?

Hmm. Puberty?

[panting]

[groans]

[grunting]

[straining]

Huh? [grunts] Oh!

[groans] Huh?

Ow! Oh!

Huh? [screams]

[Fester grunting]

[tentacles slapping]

[Fester] A little privacy, please. [groans]

[Pugsley blows raspberry]

[Pugsley] This doesn’t look so grand to me.

[Wednesday sighs]

The sheer emptiness. Cavernous abyss of absolutely nothing.

The vertigo. Intoxicating.

[Gomez] It’s just us, the captivating beauty of the great American outdoors and the wonderful sound of silence.

[jet whooshing]

Pugsley, what do I keep saying? Amazon Prime is not a toy.

[tires screeching]

[muffled hip-hop music playing]

[babbling]

[Gomez] Oh, it’s for you. Huh. Well, do you really have to leave us so soon, cousin? Where are you headed?

[babbling]

I see. Top-secret gig. Tell that Billie Eilish she’s a little too sunny for my taste. But I’m still a fan.

[It babbling]

[continues babbling]

Why didn’t I get dating advice from him?

[It babbling]

I have something for you.

[Wednesday] A tiny coffin. I fear I shall have trouble getting Pugsley in here.

[chuckles softly] No. Open it. Your grandmother gave me this necklace on my wedding day. It has been handed down through generations of Addams women. It is a part of every Addams. Just as you are.

[thunder rumbles]

Are you sure this belongs to me?

Of course, Wednesday. Who else would it belong to?

Never mind. Thanks for the trinket, Mother.

Fire in the hole!

[people screaming]

Madison, would you do me the honor…

Now, that’s grand.

What was it you were saying about laying low, darling?

Hey!

No more personal electronic devices on this trip. Saddle up, Addams!

[distant screaming]

[gasps]


[bats squeaking]

[sighs]

[twig snaps]

[yelps, screaming]

[groans]

[whimpering]

You scurried fast, little weasel.

Please! Let me up!

Where’s your comically large companion?

That big ape ran out on me at the Alamo. Please! I’ll tell you everything.

[whimpers]

I’m listening.

[ringtone playing] ♪ Who can it be now? ♪

[Mr. Mustela] Oh!

♪ Who can it be now? ♪

Mustela, have you found the girl or…

Ah. You got the drop on him.

Mr. Strange.

Please, call me Cyrus.

Mr. Strange will suffice. What is this all about?

It’s about you, Wednesday. My wife and I were separated from our true daughter on the night of her birth. I never gave up trying to find her. I searched and searched for years, and then, suddenly, there I was, standing on that stage. Looking right at you. In that moment, I knew that you were my long lost child. The physical similarities. The brilliant scientific mind. I did some digging. You were born at the same hospital, the same day as the girl we’ve raised. And as if meant to be, your name, Wednesday, is from my favorite poem. “Wednesday’s child is…”

“Full of woe.” I was named after that poem.

I live by it. I think we owe it to ourselves to get to the bottom of this, Wednesday. Why don’t you come to my home in Sausalito? We can…

Not so fast. I have further research to conduct to verify your claim.

Of course. I would expect nothing less. By the way, what did you do with Mr. Mustela?

[Wednesday] Oh. I let him go.

[cell phone beeps]

[growling softly]

[wind whistling]

[Gomez snoring softly]

[Gomez chuckling, grunts]

[groans]

[grunts]

[moaning]

[grunts, coughs]

[moans and snores]

[both grunting]

Tish. You minx.

[Gomez chuckles]

Let’s settle this.

It’s all true. The facts before me prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I am not an Addams. That means there’s only one logical choice. Don’t you agree?

[Lurch groans]


[Morticia] Wednesday, dear. Come along, sleepyhead. Why, it’s easier to wake the dead than to wake you, my little…

[muffled grunting]

[muffled] Hi, Mom.

[Pugsley] “Dear Addams family, As you may have noticed, our family dynamic has been off-base lately. I have been ruminating on and questioning the reason for this, but a new revelation has resolved this doubt for me. I was the discordant note…”

[Wednesday] “I was the discordant note that can never resolve into harmony. And the reason I could never truly relate to any of you is simple. I am not your relative. I have no recourse but to leave for good and make my way toward the truth. Do not attempt to follow me.”

Wait. Wednesday’s not an Addams? I’m the only real Addams child? That’s awesome!

Too soon, Pugsley. Too soon.

[cleaver thuds]

What does she mean, “making her way toward the truth”?

Is this about the hospital thing that was totally not a big deal?

This is all my fault.

[Pugsley gasps]

[sighs] If she had just felt closer to me, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Thing! I need a Bloody Mary. Make it a double.

[Fester] He’s in the shower.

♪ La-di-di, la-di-da ♪

Don’t forget to clean behind your knuckles.


[birds chirping]

[Wednesday] Lurch, I can see you.

[Lurch grunts softly]

Obviously, I have failed in my duty as your lurking advisor.

[Lurch groans]

I really don’t know how to answer that. But what I do know is that you should go back to your family. It’s time for me to find mine.

[groans lowly]

I guess that’s true. You’re not an Addams either. [sighs] How very sad that is.

[Lurch moans]

Much better, Lurch. It appears I taught you well, after all. Like the Donner party before us, we travel to California to fulfil our destiny and eat what we must along the way. Let us conquer the Golden West or die trying. Lurch, to Sausalito!

[crows cawing]

Thing, to Sausalito! If we leave now, we can catch up.

Then we’ll return home, kidnap the necessary witnesses and snuff out any remaining doubt that Wednesday is one of us.

I love it when your murderous maternal instincts kick in! We’re back in the parenting business! Come along, Addams. Let’s bring Wednesday back to her family.

Ahem. Fester, your tentacles are hanging out.

I thought I felt a draft. Just don’t kick ’em. They’re very sensitive.


[spider hisses]

[Wednesday] All of those do sound like great options, but which one is the road to Sausalito?

[“Ace of Spades” playing]

[engines roaring]

♪ If you like to gamble ♪

♪ I tell you I’m your man ♪

♪ You win some, lose some It’s all the same to me ♪

[tires screeching]

Out of my way, Hightower!

♪ Seven or eleven ♪

♪ Snake eyes watching you ♪

Look, Lurch. Aggressive people who use loud noises and fast rides to distract themselves from their childhood trauma. Just what we need.

♪ Take one look and die ♪

[bikers laughing]

♪ The only thing you see ♪

♪ You know it’s gonna be The Ace of Spades ♪

[man chuckles]

♪ The Ace of Spades ♪

[man grunts]

[door creaking]

[both grunt]

[man] Hmm.

Huh?

[door shuts]

[growls]

[Ronny] Hey! Ain’t you the guy that almost ran my bike off the road?

And you must be Miss Lurleen?

[all gasp]

[growls]

Excuse me?

Ah. It seems I have offended two people at once. How fortuitous.

[bikers] Huh?

[Miss Lurleen sighs]

That was an insult too!

[bikers gasp]

[growls]

I’m afraid you gentlemen have made a grave error. Lurch, show these cretins what your cold, dead hands are capable of.

[Lurch] Mm-hmm.

[piano playing]

[singing in high-pitched voice] ♪ First I was afraid ♪

♪ I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never Live without you by my side ♪

I should’ve been more specific.

[Lurch] ♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪

♪ Thinking How you did me wrong ♪

♪ And I grew strong ♪

♪ And I learned How to get along ♪

[groans]

♪ And so you’re back ♪

[gasps]

[disco music playing]

♪ From outer space ♪

♪ I just walked in To find you here ♪

♪ With that sad look Upon your face ♪

♪ I should’ve changed That stupid lock ♪

♪ I should’ve made you Leave your key ♪

♪ If I’d known For just one second ♪

♪ You’d be back to bother me ♪

♪ Go on now, go ♪

♪ Walk out the door ♪

♪ Just turn around now ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’re not Welcome anymore ♪

♪ Weren’t you the one who tried To hurt me with goodbye? ♪

♪ Did you think I’d crumble? ♪

♪ Did you think I’d lay down and die? ♪

♪ Oh, no, not I ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ Oh, as long as I know How to love ♪

♪ I know I’ll stay alive ♪

♪ I’ve got all my life to live I’ve got all my love to give ♪

♪ And I’ll survive I will survive ♪

All I wanted was a violent roadhouse melee before hitching a ride to Sausalito. Was that too much to ask?

Sausalito? That’s exactly where we’re headed. It’s the annual Hug-A-Biker retreat where we deal with our childhood trauma.

I am good.

[laughs] Bring it in, little lady.

I accept your offer of a ride. But if you don’t mind, I will respectfully decline the hug. I’ve been social distancing since birth.

[laughs]

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ Oh, as long as I know How to love ♪

♪ I know I’ll stay alive ♪

♪ I’ve got All my life to live ♪

♪ I’ve got all my love to give And I’ll survive ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

[disco music continues]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love… ♪

Sayonara, little lady.

Whoo-hoo!

[Wednesday] It’s all Jekyll, no Hyde.

[doorbell blares distortedly]

I feel something, Lurch. As though anticipation and unease birthed some kind of winged larvae in my stomach.

[groans]

Butterflies? Hmm. Perhaps my digestive acids will kill them.

[door unlocks]

Wednesday! You’re here! Welcome home. Oh. I see you brought a plus-one.

[Lurch groans]

Which is… [clears throat] fine. Perfectly fine. Yes. [chuckles nervously]

[takes deep breath] Right this way.

[squawks]

[yells]

[clears throat] Wednesday, meet my wife. Ingrid. [chuckles]

Uh, Ingrid has a touch of laryngitis and finds it difficult to talk at the moment. [clears throat]

[girl] Hello.

And this is Ophelia. Or as we call her, our little Oaf.

The other… me.

[Ingrid squawks]

Oh. Uh, Ingrid, my dear, why don’t you rest for a while and I’ll show our little Wednesday around. Let’s go see the laboratory.

[Ingrid squawks]

Don’t look at them.

[door whirring]

Right this way.

[Muzak playing]

Welcome to the future, Wednesday.

[computers trilling]

What do you think? Pretty boss, huh?

[Wednesday] You’ve got a lot of projects in the works.

Ready, Wednesday? [grunts]

When I did this DNA test with Ophelia and it informed me that she wasn’t my daughter, I was unsurprised. Perhaps you can relate to me on that. [snickers] You see what I did there?

I did, though I generally find puns to be a lower form of humor.

Hmm. My real passion has always been… human behavior.

[gasps] What an incredible coincidence.

Exactly my thought when I saw your winning experiment. Although, if you think about it, not so coincidental. Like father, like daughter. Am I right? [laughs awkwardly]

We will find out shortly.

And when we receive the inevitable confirmation, I hope you’ll reconsider what you told me at the fair. About how your formula was a family secret.

[computer beeping]

[automated voice] DNA sequencing complete. DNA match.

Well, it’s all settled. Done and…

[brakes screech]

[alarm beeping]

Great.

It’s my fa… Uh… The Addams family.

[clears throat] Well, let’s go greet them.

[Fester] You guys go ahead, I… I’m gonna be going in, uh… I may be some time.

[thud]

[squelching]

[doorbell rings dully]

[door beeps]

[drawn out] You rang?

Lurch.

We’re here to rescue Wednesday.

[Wednesday] Rescue me from what?

[Ingrid squawks]

You!

Cyrus Strange. Pleased to meet you.

You’re the man from the science fair. The ghostly apparition.

Huh. I see you’ve been reanimated.

And now, you’ve absconded with our daughter and put her in this… [gags] In… Wednesday, what are you wearing?

It’s called a turtleneck. Deceptive name, I know, but it is both fashionable and functional, M… Um, Morticia.

[gasps]

[Cyrus] Mr. and Mrs. Addams, it appears that you are not Wednesday’s parents. I am.

Enough, you knave!

Mr. Addams, before you do anything rash, you might want to see this. The results conclusively prove that I am not your daughter. Where once I was Addams, now I am Strange.

Zip it, Pugsley.

This can’t be true.

[Cyrus] I know this must be quite a shock for you, Mr. and Mrs. Addams. Believe me, we went through the same thing with Ophelia.

[mud splashing]

[snorting, grunts]

Wow!

[snorts]

Wednesday, we’re still your family.

And that’s why I’d like to honor your contributions to my life with a proper and respectful goodbye. Uh, Addams family, I… I want to say… [sighs] It appears I’m not quite ready to part with them. Forgive me, Father.

I do forgive you.

Oh, no. I meant Cyrus.

Come on, Wednesday. You don’t mean this. Let’s just go home. We can talk about this in the camper.

I’m sorry, Mr. Addams. I can’t leave with you. But maybe we can offer you and Mrs. Addams shelter for the night? Then tomorrow we can say goodbye.

Of course, daughter. My man will show you to the guest quarters.

[groans]

[“Happy People” playing]

♪ I want him back ♪

♪ Shadows I left ♪

♪ Haunting all the halls Of our house ♪

[Ingrid squawks]

♪ Never tried to be content ♪

[Morticia] Something isn’t right.

Of course it’s not. I’ve loved Wednesday her whole life. I can’t just stop because a piece of paper says… Says… Wow. They really did a lot in six hours.

♪ With happy people ♪

Oh, Tish. We’ve lost our little girl.

♪ I want to be Like happy people ♪

[Gomez sobbing]

[Ophelia] Hey!

Wha…

Come here! [snortles]

[squeals]

I thought my bedroom was a mess. This is awesome!

Hey, uh, are you hungry?

I’m always hungry.

[squeals] Check it out. When my dad’s not around, I don’t use forks or spoons or anything.

[gasps] Me either!

[both chomping]

It’s a lot easier to just use your face!

Just use your face! [snortles]

Where have you been all my life?

The farm.

Wait, what did you say?

[squeals]

[screams]

[Morticia] Cyrus Strange is lying. I’m sure of it. But how do we prove it to Wednesday that…

Oh, querida. It’s no use. Wednesday has gone. And now, we must do our duty. We shall raise the pig girl and…

Pull yourself together, Gomez. You’re an Addams. Just as Wednesday is. Whether it’s in her blood or not.

[door opens]

[Pugsley] Mom. Pop. You have to see this!

[Ingrid clucks, squawks]

[Ophelia snorts]

[Ingrid trills]

What happened to these people?

[Pugsley] That’s just it! I… I don’t think they are people.

[Cyrus] Your idiot boy is right.

[Ingrid yelps]

They’re animals I imbued with human traits. Pretty neat, huh? They always revert back to their original form, though.

So that’s why you wanted Wednesday. Her experiment did what you couldn’t.

Men. Just can’t come out and ask a woman for help, can you?

You faked that DNA test.

Blah, blah, blah, blah! Oh, pipe down, Elvira!

That’s it! Prepare to meet Old Deuteronomy! Mazurka!

[Gomez grunts, coughs]

[groans]

[coughing]

Oh, where are my manners? I forgot to thank you for the tip!

[laughs evilly]

[Morticia groans]

[body thuds]

I’m good! I’m so good!


[lightning crashes]

So sorry about that. [clears throat] Where were we?

I have a surprise for you, Father.

[chuckles excitedly] Yes. Yes! Of course! It’s so simple. [chuckles] But… But could it work?

[keypad beeping]

[computer trilling]

[beeps]

You did it! I knew funding those science fairs would pay off.

What was that?

Uh… Nothing. I have a surprise for you as well, Wednesday.

[door opening]

They can be our first test subjects.

What have you done?

I’ve got all manner of diabolical DNA in these test tubes. You can isolate the Addams’ annoying habits and we’ll replace them with ones you want.

But why?

I saw you trying to delay their departure. This way, you can keep them around. I need my little protégé to be happy and focused on her work. This is important stuff we are doing, Wednesday. [laughs] World-changing!

“World-changing”?

If you could control people, Imbue them with the strength and ferocity of any animal on earth? Imagine who would pay for that! The military, foreign governments, call centers. They’d all want unstoppable hybrid murder machines programmed down to the cellular level! Imagine how rich and famous we’ll become! All thanks to your experiment! [laughing maniacally]

But I only meant to show how my Uncle Fester’s intellect could be improved.

And now you get to improve the rest of your ex-family.

[Cyrus laughs wickedly]

[Wednesday] But they don’t need improving. They’re fine as they are. Except for maybe Pugsley. But I’m the one who was looking for change, not them.

But this way, you’ll never have to feel different from anyone in your family ever again, little boo-boo.

[alarm blaring]

[system trilling, chimes]

[liquid bubbling]

Here you are, Wednesday. You do the honors.

[system beeping]

I won’t! Even though you are biologically my father, these people are still my family. The Addams family.

Fine. If you can’t pull the trigger, I’ll do it!

[buzzes]

[powering up]

[laughs evilly]

[Cyrus laughing maniacally] I’m disappointed in you, Wednesday. But it appears you’re just a silly little girl playing with science. [laughs maliciously]

Turn off the machine, Mr. Strange. I won’t ask you again.

[lightning crashes]

[Cyrus] Aw! Is little lady threatening me?

That depends. Do you have a piano nearby?

Why would I have a piano in a laboratory?

In that case, Lurch…

[Lurch growls]

…show this cretin what your cold, dead hands are capable of.

[Cyrus chuckles] You think you’re the only one with a brainless Neanderthal bodyguard? [laughing wickedly]

[growling]

Kill, Pongo. Kill!

[growls]

[roars]

Oh, this is gonna be rich!

[Lurch moaning]

What?

[both roar]

Eh! No! Pongo, you imbecile! I command you, you protect me.

You’re wasting your breath. You see, Pongo and Lurch are former cellmates at the asylum where Lurch was held captive before my parents found him. Back in Texas, Pongo told Lurch that he suspected I was in danger. I didn’t believe it then.

[Cyrus] Pongo, Pongo. Bad boy, Pongo. Bad boy.

I was wrong.

[Pongo growls]

No! No! That’s gonna leave a mark. Unhand me! [screams] Stop! I had a big breakfast. Don’t make me puke up my pancakes! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Cyrus yells]

[Cyrus grunting and groaning]

[growling]

[Cyrus whimpering]

[screaming]

[electricity crackles]

[groans]

[gasping]

[Cyrus gurgling and choking]

Mother, Father, are you all right?

Yes, yes. Fortunately, we escaped with no fatal wounds.

Even Pugsley?

Even Pugsley.

Oh, well. Maybe next time.

Wait, what?

[muffled bleating, squawking]

[muffled squawk, grunting]

[roars]

[laughs maliciously] How very… [squawks] touching.

[bleats]

My real daughter would know that sentimentality…

[clucking]

…is the antithesis of science.

That’s right.

[gasps]

I lied about the DNA… [snorting] re… re…

[gasps]

…results.

[bleats]

[Gomez grunts]

I really should thank you, Wednesday.

[elevator whirring]

You’ve uncaged me. [snorting] But your foul play is no longer amusing to me. So, I think I’ll exterminate you.

[Lurch and Pongo groan]

And your entire… [clucking] family!

[grunting]

Get ready to cry uncle!

[Cyrus roars]

[groaning]

[Pugsley] Ahh!

[groaning]

[burbles, grunts]

[growls]

[Fester grunting]

[Gomez] Incoming!

[Pugsley grunts]

Ophelia!

[Cyrus squawks]

[Fester groans]

[Cyrus groans]

[Ingrid squawks]

[squealing]

[whimpering]

[grunts, gasps]

[roaring]

[whimpers]

[Gomez] Oh, yeah! That’s it! You got him!

[Cyrus] No!

[Gomez] Get him, Fester! Ink him! Ink him, baby!

Everybody, run!

[Cyrus whimpering]

[Cyrus yells]

[Cyrus squawks]

[grunting weakly]

[groaning]

[sighs exhaustedly]

Madison, would you do me the honor…

[distant mooing]

[Madison straining]

Yes, I’ll marry you.

[Fester rumbling weakly]

Uncle Fester. He’s dying. And it’s all my fault.

Oh, Wednesday.

[Wednesday sighs] Mother, when you said this necklace was a part of every Addams, what did you mean?

It contains a drop of blood from every Addams born into the family. Your father, Pugsley, you… And Uncle Fester. Your little Addams DNA cocktail here might just save the day.

Lurch!

[groans]

[system powering up]

[dings]

Bottoms up, Uncle Fester.

[Fester groaning]

Whoa!

[continues groaning]

[continues groaning]

[Morticia gasps]

[burps]

[sighs] Did I win?

Yes. Yes, you did, Uncle Fester.

[chuckles]

Oh, and, Pugsley, it looks like Ophelia is feeling better too.

[gasps]

[both chuckle excitedly]

Mother, Father, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be an Addams. I struggled with feeling different. But now, I realize that being different is the most Addams-y thing there is.

“Different” is what the extra “D” in “Addams” stands for.

I always thought it stood for “dismemberment.” Can you forgive me?

Wednesday, you are and always will be our little ghoul. We love you.

Thank you, Mother. The feeling is mutual. And, Father…

Yes, my little raven?

I have something for you.

Come on, Addams family. Let’s go home.

[Fester chuckles]

[Lurch groans]

[electronic dance music playing]

[excited shouting]

Gruesome.

Mmm! And fragrant.

[glass shatters]

[people whooping]

[all exclaim excitedly]

Yeah! Awesome!

Now, look, look, look. All I did was invite a few people over and things got a little bit out of hand. Yes, there were a few injuries, but the EMT is here. They’re having a wonderful time.

What a lovely homecoming present.

Oh. [chuckles nervously] Welcome home! [laughs]

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music playing]

[cackles] I thought you’d never get here.

[babbling]

Oh, my goodness! [shrieks]

Let’s light it up, hairball!

[babbles]

♪ You know I never left ♪

♪ That’s how I brought it back ♪

♪ But what I wanna know Is where the party at ♪

♪ I came a long way to get These people out they seat ♪

♪ Now I need y’all To clap your hands ♪

♪ To the beat And have a good time ♪

♪ Don’t be acting like that ♪

♪ We got it crackin’ In the back ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, it’s lit ♪

♪ My brand-new outfit ♪

♪ The one to get The party started ♪

♪ Plugged and wet Gloves and mitt, club is lit ♪

♪ Kind of the one One of a kind ♪

♪ It’s Cousin It ♪

♪ He’s the host with the most ♪

♪ I wanna give a toast To the wild, wild West Coast ♪

♪ Now if you’re Feeling like a villain ♪

♪ Say, “Yeah, yeah” ♪

♪ Snoop Dogg is in the house And he’s a playa, playa ♪

♪ And all the ladies In the house ♪

♪ Say, “Oh, yeah” ♪

♪ We’re family for sure In case you didn’t know ♪

♪ It ain’t nothin’ going on ♪

We love you, It!

I still don’t understand a word that guy says.

[Ophelia and Pugsley laughing]

Yeah!

Didn’t I tell you this trip would bring the family closer together?

You’re a wonderful father, darling.

There’s one thing that’s still troubling me. Cyrus lied about being my father, but when I tested your hair at the Grand Canyon, it said conclusively that you were not my father either.

Ah, that explains it. I suffered a little accident with a napalm experiment a few years back and lost my beautiful, beautiful hair. [splutters] Had it replaced with real Sasquatch fur. I assure you, Wednesday, I am your father. Now and always.

[gasps and groans]

I already hugged you once, Father. That’s quite enough affection for a lifetime.

[Gomez laughs] Well, Addams, time to start planning the next family vacation. Maybe a trip around the world? What do you say?

[theme music playing]

[projector whirring]

[singing]

[“Mi Familia” (Serrano Remix) playing]

♪ Ay, I’m finna pull up In that creepy, crawly ♪

♪ All black Bugatti ♪

♪ Bag full of money But it’s looking like a body ♪

♪ Weird but I’m wonderful Crazy but I’m confident ♪

♪ I could find a brighter side To any name they hit me with ♪

♪ I’m in that all black I think I’m all that ♪

♪ I rock designer They don’t know how To pronounce that ♪

♪ And I don’t trip when I fall ‘Cause I bounce back ♪

♪ And I be rolling with My clique like a mousepad ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪ We slide we creep All down your street ♪

♪ They say we’re freaks I’m sayin’ they’re with me ♪

♪ We so unique ♪

♪ So unique ♪

♪ We all black sheep ♪

♪ We’re one big crazy family Cha cha cha ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪ I only hang with the family ‘Cause nobody can handle me ♪

♪ Try to act like I’m scary ♪

♪ Because I’m something They never seen ♪

♪ My whole room like a vanity I’m in love with myself ♪

♪ They know That they can’t touch me ♪

♪ When I’m feelin’ myself, eh ♪

♪ We slide we creep All down your street ♪

♪ They say we’re freaks ♪

♪ Loco ♪

♪ I’m sayin’ they’re with me ♪

♪ We so unique ♪

♪ So unique ♪

♪ We all black sheep ♪

♪ We’re one big crazy family Cha cha cha ♪

♪ Awoo ♪

♪ Love that crazy baby ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪ Wherever we are Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feels like home Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We slide we creep ♪

♪ Slide ♪

♪ All down your street ♪

♪ We’re one big crazy family Cha cha cha ♪

♪ I’ve been around Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Been up and down Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ So glad I know now Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I’m not alone now Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ No matter where we roam ♪

♪ Don’t matter ‘Cause we know ♪

♪ Wherever we are Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feels like home Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Eh! ♪

* * *

Synopsis

At a middle school science fair, Wednesday Addams is set to present her experiment, but is dismayed when her family – Gomez, Morticia, and Pugsley – show up. She proceeds with the presentation, where she uses her pet squid Socrates’ DNA on Uncle Fester to show how humans can be improved. The experiment is a success, but when Wednesday goes up to accept what she thinks will be a first place prize, she finds that everyone got a trophy for their efforts. Her work, however, gets noticed by scientist Cyrus Strange, who appears through a holographic projection to let her know he thinks her work is brilliant. Meanwhile, Pugsley attempts to impress girls by tweaking another kid’s volcano project, but it ends up causing a huge disaster in the gym that sends everyone running.

Back at the Addams home, Wednesday and Pugsley decline to show up for dinner. Fester goes up to Pugsley’s room to try and help him find a way to woo the ladies. Wednesday sends her parents a very specific note for why she isn’t coming to dinner. Gomez worries that the kids are drifting apart from him and Morticia, so he decides to take them on a family vacation.

Gomez brings out a hideous road vehicle and gets Thing, Fester, the kids, and Lurch to join him and Morticia on the road while Grandmama stays behind to take care of the house. Before they hit the road, a lawyer named Mr. Mustela approaches Gomez and Morticia with the implication that Wednesday was switched as a baby at the hospital, meaning she may not really be an Addams, but the two ignore him and think it’s just Wednesday trying to get out of going on the trip, but she says that she doesn’t know who that man is. Once the family is gone, Grandmama throws a huge party. On the road, Mustela and his hulking henchman Pongo pursue the Addams family.

The family is initially set on going to Salem, Massachusetts, but Fester ends up making a detour to Niagara Falls due to the effects of Wednesday’s experiment. Pugsley tries to make another attempt with girls per Fester’s advice, but fails. When Gomez and Morticia attempt to bond with Wednesday, she snubs them. They then spot Mustela and Pongo looking for them and Fester ends up knocking Mustela into the water before recovering Pugsley.

To hide from their pursuers, the family goes to a motel where they enter a displeased Wednesday into a girls’ beauty pageant where she creates a scene. Mustela enters, but is distracted long enough for the family to escape.

The family then stops in Sleepy Hollow, New York where they set up camp. While gathered around the fire, Gomez and Morticia bring up Mustela and his claims about Wednesday, so Fester mentions a story from the night Wednesday was born where he went into the delivery room to see her, but all the other babies were crying, so he employed an Addams family tradition of putting babies to sleep by taking them out of their beds and juggling them all, potentially mixing up many babies in the process. This only worsens Gomez and Morticia’s fears that Wednesday was switched. Wednesday overhears the discussion and muses to Lurch about where she might really come from.

Gomez brings everyone to Miami in an attempt to get in touch with Cousin Itt so he can help with their current dilemma. Itt joins them on the trip as they pass through San Antonio where he talks to Wednesday about his own rebellious phase in his youth, but he essentially says he owned up to who he really is. When Grandmama calls him to help with the house party since she let it get out of hand, Itt leaves early. Mustela and Pongo almost catch up with them, but Lurch knocks them away.

The Addams’ stop at the Grand Canyon where Itt flies off from them, and Morticia gives Wednesday a necklace containing the blood of the Addams family members. Pugsley blows up the canyon, drawing more unwanted attention. Meanwhile, Fester starts to mutate further into a squid-man. Wednesday goes off by herself where Mustela attempts to get her again, but she gets the drop on him and traps him. His phone rings and she sees that he was employed by Cyrus Strange, who suggests to Wednesday that he is her true father and that he is inviting her to stay with him in Sausalito where she can hone in her potential in science. Wednesday runs a DNA test using Gomez’s hair which seemingly proves that she most certainly is not his daughter.

Wednesday leaves the family while they sleep, but Lurch catches up with her to keep her safe. The rest of her family learns where she is headed and go after her. Wednesday and Lurch stop at a biker bar to ask for help in getting to Sausalito, California, which they do after Lurch shows off his piano and singing skills by performing Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”. The bikers then escort the two to Sausalito.

Wednesday arrives at Cyrus’s home and meets his wife Ingrid, a bird-like humanoid being, and their pig-like daughter, Ophelia. Cyrus brings her to his lab where he shows her a formula he developed much like Wednesday’s own that she used on Fester regarding human/animal hybrids. The rest of the Addams clan shows up, but Wednesday seems fully set on staying with Cyrus and no longer accepting them as her family. While Gomez and Morticia are sad, Pugsley tries to bond with Ophelia since they seem to be mutually attracted. However, Ophelia morphs into a pig as that is what she originally was. When Pugsley brings this revelation to his parents, Cyrus reveals the truth and that he was just using Wednesday since her formula works better than his own, then captures the family.

Cyrus traps the clan in tubes where he plans to mutate them with his formula. He shows them to Wednesday so that she may remove any traits of theirs that she doesn’t like, but she doesn’t like seeing them trapped this way, and turns on Cyrus. When he tries to have Pongo go after her and Lurch, it is then revealed that Lurch and Pongo knew each other and were really good friends at the asylum they were locked up at before Lurch was found by Gomez and Morticia. Pongo warned Lurch with a look that Wednesday was in danger. Together, the two brutes free the Addams family and knock Cyrus into a tube where he is doused with his potion. It turns him into a gigantic hybrid monster. When he goes after the family, Fester comes out as a giant squid monster, and the two fight until they both tumble out the window. Cyrus falls to his death while Fester pulls himself up with his tentacles, but he is now weakened. Wednesday uses the blood in the necklace that Morticia gave her and Fester turns back to normal and is revived. Wednesday decides she is proud to be an Addams and reunites with her family.

The family returns home with Ophelia joining them as a regular human girl and Itt has helped Grandmama turn the party around. While Wednesday knows Cyrus fabricated the DNA test results, she wonders how her test came out so that she isn’t related to Gomez. He reveals his hair is a toupee, but that she is 100% his daughter. The family then goes on another road trip around the world.

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