Spirited (2022) | Transcript

A musical version of the classic Christmas story by Charles Dickens. A miserly man who treats everyone around him with terrible selfishness finds himself on a fantastical adventure into the three phases of time: past, present, and future, in order to discover how he ended up so miserable and alone.
Spirited (2022)

[narrator] Do people really change? I mean, real, lasting, positive change.

I sure hope so, because we are in the business of change.

Please. Please.

[sobs] I’m sorry.

[crying] I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry. I… I… I… I won’t yell at the neighbor’s kids anymore.

I-I-I’ll take back the claim against the Johnsons, even though that tree house is a flagrant violation…

[ground cracking]

I’m sorry! No! No, no! Please! I… I can change.

I… I promise! Please. Please, please, please. Please, I… I…

Please give me another chance. I can change!

[narrator] Don’t worry about her. In a few minutes, she’ll wake up in her bed.

Dry, rested and hopefully a whole new person.

All right! She’s back in bed. Could I get a coffee over here?

Coffees flying in.

[narrator] You see, this is just a supernatural simulation.

And these are my colleagues, The Ghost of Christmas Past, Christmas Yet-to-Come…

No doubt.

[thunderclap]

[narrator] Oh, boy. That looks good. Thank you.

And that’s me. Mr. Brad Pitt. No. No, I’m kidding.

I’m The Ghost of Christmas Present. I’m not Brad Pitt.

So, you think she changed?

I mean, I don’t know. This one was a serious tight-ass.

Of course she’s changed.

I brought her face-to-face with her mortality, and that’s when I close the deal every time.

Anyone can point to a headstone. Everyone agrees with me.

Guys, please.

You know what?

I do way more than just point at it.

That hurts me.

Yet-to-Come is a wrap.

Inform Mr. Marley our perp will awaken in two minutes.

Copy that.

Marley-san, Marley-san!

[speaks Japanese]

Already?

[ghost] Yeah.

Excellent. Thank you, Kazuko. Very exciting.

Spirits, gather up, one and all!

[Mr. Marley] Research, Locations,

Costume Department!

[support ghosts cheering]

[Present] This is our dedicated staff of support ghosts.

They work so hard to make us look good.

Okay. We are walking.

New recruits, I know you’re freshly dead, but let’s look alive.

You’ve enlisted at the perfect time.

They’re on their way to find out if the person we’ve haunted is really going to change.

Can we go see that?

No. Come on.

[Present] And this is the moment we worked all year for.

[children] Oh!

No, honey, don’t go in her yard!

We don’t want her calling the police.

It’s okay. I can get it.

[onlookers gasp]

[neighbor] Sorry, Ms. Blansky. We’ll take the game down the street.

We don’t want any trouble today.

What day is this?

It’s Christmas Day.

The ghosts did it all in one night.

Are you okay?

Do you need us to call someone?

Or do you wanna play?

Me?

Sure. I-If you want to.

After all the times I’ve reported you to the HOA or called the police or s-stolen your packages? [chuckles]

You did what?

Huh?

[chuckles]

Go ahead. Give it a try. It’s fun.

Yeah!

[gasps]

[chuckles]

Congratulations, Ms. Blansky.

I did it? You mean it’s really…

You’re a different person now, Karen.

Go make amends, and make us proud.

I will. I promise you, I will!

Whoo!

Attagirl, Karen!

Appreciate it so much. All the way in the b… Ow!

[chuckles, shouts]

[Karen] Oh, could I join in?

[Present] So, that’s what we do.

We haunt someone, change them into a better person, and then we sing about it.

♪ You wait for the day You prep for a year ♪

♪ And when the big day is finally here ♪

♪ You take a jerk and work To turn ’em around ♪

Why are they singing?

Oh, because this is a musical.

What is?

All of this. The afterlife.

Yay! [chuckles] I had a feeling.

Aw, come on. Really?

♪ You show them their life And you hope for the switch ♪

♪ And when it goes off without a hitch This Christmas train is party-bound ♪

Bring on the Chili of Positive Outcome!

♪ We’re giddy with a holiday Goodwill gleam ♪

♪ ‘Cause helping out is sweeter Than eggnog cream ♪

♪ We might be dead But we’re living that Yuletide dream ♪

♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪

♪ Is there a morning more appealing? ♪

♪ The magical mood when being merry Is very necessary ♪

♪ We’re changing all mankind ♪

♪ We planted the seeds And joy is blooming ♪

♪ Now we got one less hateful human ♪

♪ We’re doing the world a world of good ♪

♪ Putting some nice Into the neighborhood ♪

♪ Playing our parts, changing hearts One by one ♪

♪ We got that Christmas morning feeling And damn, is it fun ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Dude, I can’t dance like this. Are you gonna be able to keep up with all this?

I mean, if I start dancing, I’m gonna shut it down, man. Everybody gonna look bad.

♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪

♪ The tingle when Jingle bells are pealing ♪

♪ Everything’s super holly-jolly ♪

♪ It’s like we’re all on Molly ♪

♪ But it’s a natural high ♪

♪ Whoo! Everything shines a little brighter ♪

♪ I’m feeling warm as apple cider ♪

♪ We’re doing the world a world of good ♪

♪ Feels like a kick-ass Christmas should ♪

♪ Playing our parts, changing hearts One by one ♪

Hey, does somebody clear out our search history after we die?

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, hey, Margo. I was just avoiding you.

Yes, sir. I get it.

But, you know, it is my job to review your file after each haunt.

So, you have been eligible for retirement for 46 seasons.

Yeah.

And you’re still here.

Like, all the time.

Hmm.

Well, I believe the work we do here is very important.

Yeah, yeah. But don’t you want another crack at life?

[inhales sharply] God, I miss drinking.

Huh?

I used to go so hard with my girls back in Tampa.

Wait, aren’t you in HR?

I have a tramp stamp on the front and the back.

We were crazy. We stole a cruise ship one time.

Look, HR, I don’t know if that’s the right area for you…

Figgy pudding.

Wh… I’m sorry, what?

It says in your file that you liked figgy pudding.

Don’t you wanna try it again?

Don’t you wanna go back on Earth and do person stuff again?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I… I died before there was indoor plumbing, so I…

Well, um, it’s been fun chatting and everything, but, um, there’s, like, a whole party going on, so…

Okay, but I feel like you started the conversation.

Anyway, 46 seasons. Crazy. [chuckles]

Just saying. Maybe it’s time.

Maybe she has a point.

♪ Is it time to find out if I’m ♪

♪ Meant for more Than just a Christmas morning feeling? ♪

♪ I could go back to Earth Retire, just peace out ♪

♪ Another chance at the life I’ve been dreaming about ♪

[chuckles] Maybe I buy a quaint little house on a quiet street.

I meet a nice gal, and we get married and start a family.

And then, at the end of each day after work, we have a loving embrace and one of those newfangled, modern mouth kisses.

That’d be nice.

♪ Is it time to find out if I’m ♪

♪ Ready to reach beyond A Christmas morning feeling? ♪

♪ To be human again, alive once more ♪

♪ Take some swings At the things I missed out on before ♪

And there’s me in the backyard goofing around with my two kids who share the same first initial.

Little Rebecca and her… her brother, Reggie or Robert or…

R-R-Rar… I don’t know. I’ll think of a good “R” name.

♪ But what if I screw up my life again Like I did the first time through ♪

♪ Could I really be someone better ♪

♪ Someone kinder, someone new? ♪

♪ But no, no, no ♪

♪ I’ve gotta make more Of a difference here ♪

♪ There’s so much left to do ♪

♪ With all the trolls And a-holes out there ♪

♪ Well, am I doing the world A world of good? ♪

♪ And have I given it my all? ♪

♪ Or am I just full of it? ♪

♪ Am I just full of sh… ♪

Hey. Come on now, potty mouth.

Bit inappropriate for the day.

I know, I know, old friend.

This is just your usual post-haunt comedown, yeah?

It’s more than that, Jacob.

Look at this place, mate.

Every single one of them’s a soul that we’ve redeemed. Together.

So, fret not, sunshine.

For in two weeks’ time, we scout next season’s perp, and I’ve seen the file on this one.

Manages a fancy hotel in Vancouver.

Uh-huh?

Right vile little bastard. You’re gonna love him.

Just what you need to get back up on that horse.

So, come on now. Stiff upper. Big-boy pants.

Hey. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You.

Walter.

No one cares what your name is, and no one should have a mustache on their lip and forehead.

Why are you crossing through my grand lobby, hmm?

These Christmas Tree conventioners pay top dollar to be here, so they don’t have to look at or think about people like you, you walking plunger.

So, did I tell you?

Abusive, stingy, self-centered.

I like that he goes against the Canadian stereotype.

Yeah. It’s weird to see a Canadian without mittens.

I mean, yeah. He’s an absolute turd in a suit.

Mm-hmm.

[Present] Right?

But, I’m just wondering… Hear me out.

This guy… And he’s terrible…

Mm-hmm.

But if we change him, does he create enough ripples to make a real difference?

That’s all I’m saying.

[Marley] Make a real difference?

Four-hundred people work for him.

Bit sad, isn’t it?

Disgruntled, yeah? Taking it out on their kids.

Yes. Yes, Senator. It’s… It’s designed to be offensive.

Outrage is a drug.

Listen to me, the second you tweet that word, CNN is no longer talking about how you just boned the teachers’ union.

Trust me, Senator. Post it.

[gasps]

I don’t know.

[speaker] Our guest today manages PR for AT&T and the NFL.

He’s helped senators, governors, even presidents get elected.

All due respect, Marty, we’re on our butts here.

This trade group can’t afford to hire some fancy New York media consultant.

[guest] Got that right.

Oh, here he is. Let’s give him a real good welcome.

From the, uh, Briggs Media Group, Clint Briggs.

[Clint] Thank you, Marty. Always a pleasure.

And it is true, I do charge comically enormous fees, which will probably bankrupt your entire organization, but, you know, last week, over 300 million families took down their Christmas trees.

Eighty-one percent of which were fake, plastic trees.

[crowd clamors]

[Clint] Yeah.

I don’t know why you’re acting surprised. I hit one button on Amazon, and a shiny, new tree is on my porch by the end of the afternoon.

Easy-peasy.

[crowd clamors]

[Clint] Yeah. People, they used to insist on authenticity.

Have people changed? Now, that’s the good news.

Now, people never change. But you know something?

Real trees are trending downward. Your sales continue slipping.

♪ They destroyed your bottom lines With plastic pines and same-day shipping ♪

Well, you’ve got the better product.

♪ But if you wanna win You gotta study human nature ♪

♪ All those interested, lean in ♪

♪ People are, one, lazy ♪

♪ We only care about ourselves ♪

♪ Your competition knows this So their crap flies off the shelves ♪

♪ But we’re also, two, desperate To feel good and smart and right ♪

♪ And that’s what you have to harness If you wanna win this fight ♪

♪ See, what you’re really selling Is the way things ought to be ♪

♪ So your pitch becomes compelling Selling more than just a tree ♪

♪ It’s a symbol of your values It’s your ethics and your cause ♪

♪ You can either be fake Like the trees they make ♪

♪ Or take a stand for Santa Claus ♪

♪ We’re bringing back Christmas We’re bringing back cheer ♪

♪ We’re bringing back cozy nights Those twinkly lights ♪

♪ The glow of yesteryear ♪

♪ Now, it’s some slight manipulation But it’s what we’ve gotta do ♪

♪ See, we need some confrontation Or your message won’t get through ♪

♪ We’re bringing back decency We’re bringing back Christmas ♪

♪ And that means the piney scent Of a real authentic tree ♪

They’re literally eating out of his hand.

♪ Oh, it would be, sure, simple To boost your market share ♪

♪ We’d rebrand you as nostalgic Tell your customers you care ♪

♪ But the world is, what? Tribal So if you want your sales to soar ♪

♪ It’s not enough for folks to love you They gotta hate your rivals more ♪

♪ As an expert my advice is Feed that hate, ’cause hate is strong ♪

♪ Folks will gladly pay your prices To prove those Christmas-killers wrong ♪

[sighs]

♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪

♪ And all the joy that we’ve lost ♪

♪ We’re bringing it back ♪

♪ Give me some peace on Earth A virgin birth ♪

♪ And grandpa getting sauced ♪

Wow!

♪ Every Facebook-loving boomer Wants to fight a culture war ♪

♪ So tell your core consumer What the hell they’re fighting for ♪

♪ A fight for morality A fight for morality ♪

♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪

♪ And it’s not coming back With some manufactured tree ♪

I want a complete breakdown on him.

I’m talking a living tree in your living room.

As I reach up to place the angel on top, I look out my window and I see my neighbor, Doug, across the street, snapping together his artificial tree.

He’s like the perfect combination of Mussolini and Sea crest.

Easy-peasy, poor, lazy, deplorable Doug, who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday!

Clint Briggs. Grew up in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

Middle child of three to a single mother.

His older sister, Carrie, passed away five years ago.

Her daughter, Wren, is now being raised by Clint’s younger brother, Owen.

Clint’s company specializes in creating controversy, conflict, and disinformation for the benefit of his clients worldwide.

Oh, my God. He’s perfect.

It’s not enough to want it. You gotta get mad. You have to fight.

You have to fight for the traditions we hold dear.

So persuasive.

Kinda makes you wanna push an old lady down a flight of stairs.

♪ I’m talking nativities And sweet baby Jeez ♪

♪ Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad and the birth of our God ♪

♪ Gathered ’round with our families ♪

♪ We’re bringing back Christmas We’re bringing back Christmas ♪

♪ Plus a ton of cash ♪

♪ From some good old-fashioned trees ♪

♪ Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear ♪

♪ All those twinkly lights And all the cheer ♪

♪ We’re bringing back Christmas We’re bringing back Christmas ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

Thank you.

[crowd cheering, shouting]

Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

That’s our man.

I’m sorry, this is not our man.

Wait, wait, wait. What? Hold on. Why not?

Jacob, the guy causes division for a job.

And he’s…

Insanely hot.

Is that not what you were gonna say?

What? I’ve been dead for 40 years, and I’m not made of wood. The man’s attractive.

No, he’s smoking hot.

Smoking hot.

And more importantly, he’s got his hands all over everything.

Yeah. I wish.

[cell phone clicking]

[Past] Maude, are you texting HR?

No. Mm-mmm.

Jacob, I’m telling you. He could be our greatest haunt ever. The whale.

If we change him, imagine the ripples.

Oh, great. [scoffs]

That is a flagrant breach of established protocol.

So, we’re stuck with creepy, convention boss guy, then?

Yep. No hot-girl Christmas for you.

[groans]

Okay, okay. Hang on.

He’s not an unredeemable because he drowns puppies.

He’s only stamped because he’s “dogmatically committed to the belief that people never change.”

“Never change”? Now I do want a piece of this guy.

Jacob, I’m telling you. I know what makes this guy tick.

We won’t fail. Come on. I can take this guy.

Besides, you know it’s been done before.

Once. Barely. And you know that was different.

What did he say?

But with the state the world is in now, I’m not about to risk a whole year of ripples on a lost cause. I’m sorry.

We go with the rat-bastard hotel manager.

In that case, I would like to collect my retirement package.

[ghosts clamoring]

[ghost 1] He said retire.

[ghost 2] Wait, you can’t retire.

[chuckles] Now, s-settle down, spirits.

He’s bluffing.

[ghost 3] Sorry, did you say retire?

Do I look like I’m bluffing?

Actually, you do. Yes.

All right, then.

Whoa.

[ghosts gasping, murmuring]

All you have to do is take it and you’re retired.

Back on Earth.

Living, breathing and offering opinions on things you know nothing about.

Right. Earth.

You know what? We don’t have to do this right now.

There is no shame in your dedication to the betterment of mankind.

Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Jacob, please.

I can’t explain it, but if I could just change this guy, maybe I’ll…

What? Maybe you’ll what?

Oh, no. No. There’s no need for a whole big number here. No.

No spotlight. Gary, kill the spot…

♪ Every day I wake up ♪

♪ With a single dream Running through my head ♪

Look, I have another meeting I’m actually late for.

♪ To throw a tiny stone Into a mighty stream ♪

♪ And watch the ripples as they spread ♪

Redeeming an unredeemable is nearly impossible.

But if you’ll promise to stop singing, you can have your perp.

Oh, really? Great. Thank you. That’s… That’s quite reasonable.

Thanks, Gary. We’re good. You were right on the cue.

Guys, he said yes. Let’s get to work.

[ghosts cheer]

Yes!

Do you wanna hear the rest of my song?

[Present] And so it begins. A full year of research and preparation.

[Present] Painstakingly recreating one man’s past, present and future.

[Present] Why do we work so hard? We do it for the ripples.

Damn!

[Present] See, it’s a documented fact that one person’s kindness can have a ripple effect.

[Present] Spreading goodwill like a pandemic…

No. [stammers] Scratch that. Sorry.

You know, like…

You know when people at a football stadium do the wave? Like that. More like that.

Now, finally, I have a perp with global reach.

[Present] If we can redeem this unredeemable, imagine just how far these ripples could go.

[phone ringing]

Briggs Media Group. One moment please.

♪ Watch how far the ripples go ♪

♪ Watch how far the ripples go ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Ripple Look how far the ripples go ♪

[assistant] Okay. The Billie EilishEd Sheeran beef has been approved by management on both sides.

Mmm.

Ed will post the insensitive comment on Tuesday and then apologize on Sunday.

Okay, let’s push the apology back to the day of the VMAs to maximize buzz.

Mm-hmm. Oh, and your niece is here.

Apparently, she’d like your help with something, but Owen didn’t say what it is.

She get the phone I sent?

Mm-hmm.

Hoverboard?

It’s just… I got a really busy day going here.

[exhales heavily] No problem.

I’ll just go tell your late sister’s only kid you’re too busy.

[chuckles] Top-notch guilt trip, Kimberly.

The way you emphasize “late.” Proud of you.

Um, so, Uncle Clint, I was thinking that maybe I would run for Student Council President.

Um, so, maybe you could help me. Something.

Wow. That’s… I mean, you know, that requires s-someone who’s very… [grunts]

You’ve always struck me as someone who’s more of an inside-voice type of person.

So, w-w-what makes you want to run for Student Council President?

Go ahead.

Well, I think I can make the school way better…

[Clint] 100%.

[Wren] …if they pick me.

But they probably won’t.

Probably not.

‘Cause Josh Hubbins is running, so…

Josh Hubbins?

[Wren] Mm-hmm.

Jo… He sounds like a, you know, a legend at… at…

[Wren] Yeah.

…whatever school you go to.

Uh, never mind. It was a stupid idea. I-I’m sorry.

I shouldn’t have bothered you.

It’s all right. I have bad ideas sometimes.

Clint, you promised Carrie if Wren ever needed anything, you would help her.

You remember that?

Yes. Yes, I remember. I…

[sighs]

You’ve already won. You already won.

Hey. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. Sit. Sit, please.

You got this in the bag, but you’re gonna get your hands dirty.

You’re gonna say and do things that you will not be proud of.

Hey, wait a minute, Clint…

Please hold your indignation, ’cause it’s gonna get worse.

So, this Josh Hubbins, what are his grades like?

He gets straight A’s.

Mm-hmm.

So do I.

Yeah. That’s good for him, but for you, I prefer C’s.

She’s never gotten less than…

I would love a D in there, so you’re gonna tank your midterms, you’re gonna bank some detentions, and boom.

You’re a woman of the people. We cast Josh as a snot-nosed elite.

You get?

I don’t know about this, ’cause he’s actually super nice.

Yeah, he’s a great kid, really.

Okay. I will put you over my knee.

And his parents have their own non-profit.

Trust me, he’s hiding something. Everybody is.

Kimberly’s gonna do some oppo research. That means digging up dirt.

And Kimberly is the best. She is a stone-cold killer. [chuckles]

Opposition research on an eighth-grader?

Sure.

[Kimberly] Okay.

[Clint] You hungry? You want a juice box?

[Wren] I’m okay.

[Clint] Want a Negroni?

You know what? I-I’m just gonna stay on her, just in case this turns into an important story thread that we may wanna follow.

Well, okay.

Yeah, I’m gonna stay and watch him put ponytail man over his knee.

Hey, Mom.

Boy, we have similar jobs, don’t we? Digging up dirt on people. [chuckles]

Whoa. What do we have here?

When your parents make you eat Christmas dinner with homeless people. Gross.

Oh, Josh. What did you post?

You’re sunk, kiddo. [chuckles] You are so sunk.

I’m doing oppo research on a child.

♪ The big corner office The 12-person team ♪

♪ A slick leather chair The American Dream ♪

♪ My mom used to clean Ritzy places like these ♪

♪ With their overpriced art And their walls of degrees ♪

♪ Well, now it’s all mine With my name on the door ♪

♪ A big, fancy desk on the 38th floor ♪

♪ Look at the girl who did right At the height of a hard-won career ♪

♪ What could surpass Giant windows of glass ♪

♪ Framing miles of blue ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ They say, “Climb the ladder No matter the cost” ♪

♪ But nobody tells you How much can get lost ♪

♪ That decent and hopeful Young woman you were ♪

♪ Well, you wake up one day And you wonder ♪

♪ “What happened to her?” ♪

♪ That woman was made To see good in each heart ♪

♪ But now she gets paid To pull people apart ♪

♪ And, I mean, hey, look at me MVP, employee of the year ♪

♪ Well, maybe I guess That this looks like success ♪

♪ But it doesn’t feel true ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ I could keep doing oppo Keep digging up dirt ♪

♪ Pretend I don’t care When nice people get hurt ♪

♪ Block out the guilt That I’d have to ignore ♪

♪ For a raise as I rise To the 39th floor ♪

♪ Or I can walk out this door And defiantly quit ♪

♪ There’s a line you can’t cross And I think this is it ♪

♪ Oh, maybe I haven’t lost sight Of what’s right ♪

♪ No, it’s perfectly clear ♪

Oh. [stammers] Whoa, that was quick.

Go ahead. Tell him how you feel.

[gasps] You found something good, didn’t you?

See, you… you… you can always tell by the self-loathing expression on her face.

Well, actually…

Yeah. Come on. You can do it.

…I came here…

To say you quit your job, but you want ample severance.

…to say, I…

Yeah.

…found something that should do the trick.

Yes, you did. Let’s go see. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

♪ At the end of the day Words are easy to say ♪

♪ But it looks like the walking away ♪

♪ Is a little bit harder to do ♪

♪ That’s the view ♪

♪ From here ♪

Well, Josh’s family runs a Christmas Day dinner at a homeless shelter.

He’ll be humble bragging the crap out of that.

But, two years ago, he posted and quickly deleted this on TikTok.

[Josh] When your parents make you eat Christmas dinner with homeless people. Gross.

Oh! I am outraged.

I told you Kimberly was the best.

Once Josh is done trumpeting his annual good deed, Wrenny,

you post that video, start writing your acceptance speech, and Bob’s your uncle.

Actually, I’m your uncle, so…

[Owen] This is two years ago.

[Clint] Time to go.

[Owen] He’s a kid. He’s in sixth grade.

Wait, Clint, please. Can we just hang on and talk about this for a second?

We only get one elevator a day. So, let’s catch this one. Bye, guys.

[Clint] Like ya.

[Owen] Do it again.

[Clint] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It’s official. I’m a terrible person.

[sighs] No, you’re not.

Excuse me?

Uh…

What? Can she see you right now?

Have we met?

Uh…

Can she see me?

Hey!

This is crazy.

I don’t think so.

No.

Huh.

Well, then how do you know how terrible I may or may not be?

Why can she see you?

I don’t know.

Uh, well, I’ve always been a good judge of character.

It’s kinda baked into my job.

[chuckles] Do you work here?

We have to kill her now, right?

No!

I’m here on a project.

For Briggs?

What are you doing?

Well, it… it involves Mr. Briggs.

Get out of this. You’re going to get us in trouble.

Really? Which project?

Make something up. Make something up. Abort.

I’m The Ghost of Christmas Present.

What are you doing?

Um, yeah, we’ll be haunting him this Christmas, in hopes we can change him into being…

[Yet-to-Come] You got to be kidding me.

…a more positive force for humanity.

[chuckles] Clint?

[chuckles] Clint. Yeah.

[both chuckling]

I’m Kimberly.

[Present] Uh…

Roberto.

C. Fishman.

Pratt. Roberto C. Fishman Pratt.

[chuckles] Well. Oh. Thanks for the laugh, Roberto.

And the compliment. I needed both of them right about now.

Like the outfit.

[chuckles] Thank you.

[chuckling] Mmm.

You know, I think deep down, you wanted her to see you because you’re into her.

[Present] I’m not into her.

Roberto C. Fishman Pratt?

Okay, it’s a bad name!

It’s too many names.

[audience laughing]

And as if we didn’t have enough to fight about at Christmas dinner, the kind of Christmas tree you have is now a battle on social media.

[audience laughing]

It is. L-Lots of anger on both sides.

Apparently, if you have a real tree, you’re a judgmental elitist hipster.

[audience laughing]

But if you have a fake tree, you’re an enemy of Santa Claus, Jesus, and Mariah Carey. And that’s…

You don’t wanna bring out Mariah’s bad side.

Hey. Oh, I’m watching it right now.

Yeah. Let’s have our influencers hit it hard.

#ChristmasTreeWar. And remind Wren…

Rafi, these are amazing.

Remind Wren not to post the video of the kid until after he posts from the homeless shelter…

Holy bejeebus.

The suit is amazing.

[bells jingling]

Wow, Beth.

[jingling continues]

Are you guys…

Beth?

[vase thumping, chiming]

[glass tinkling]

[fixtures chiming]

[bowl rattling]

[fixtures clanging]

Oh, damn. That’s not good.

All right, whoever’s filming me, I’m impressed.

[chair squeaking]

Oh, Jesus! [groans]

This chain I forged in life is girded of my own free will.

Link by link with each soul I made to suffer.

Very, very, very, very, very convincing. Okay, who…

[groaning]

[Clint shrieks]

Oh! Oh, f… Oh!

♪ Ye shall find no sleep tonight ♪

Okay, I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming.

♪ No, this is not a dream ♪

God, you’re ugly.

♪ Many wrongs have ye to right ♪

♪ Dark deeds ye must redeem ♪

You keep singing, I’m gonna… [grunts] …stand up.

♪ Your past, your present And your future ♪

♪ Ye shall soon behold ♪

This is very, very weird.

♪ The story of your life ♪

♪ Shall now ♪

♪ Unfold ♪

[laughs] Feel my chain!

Ew. Can I not?

[Clint grunts]

♪ The story of your life The truth you’re scared to hear ♪

I…

♪ The story of your life A tale of reckoning and fear ♪

I just have one thing… I just have one thing you really need to…

[singing stops]

I’m… I’m… I’m so sorry.

I’m… I’m stuck on the… On the first thing there.

The… You said, “Past, present, future.”

L-Like A Christmas Carol? The Dickens story?

The Bill Murray movie with Bobcat Goldthwait?

Yes, yes. Like the Dickens book and the Bill Murray movie and every other adaptation nobody asked for.

Now, please, if you would just let me get this out. Sit.

Here?

Okay. Uh…

[Marley clears throat]

[blows raspberry]

♪ You might rewrite ♪

♪ The story of your life ♪

♪ Before it’s all too late ♪

Oh. [groans] What is it? What is it?

Um, again, I’m so sorry.

Uh, so, out of all the people on the planet…

Murderers, racists, people who do gender-reveal parties…

I’m the guy you’re gonna haunt?

If you would shut up and let me finish, you might understand…

Yes, sir.

You know what? [chuckles]

Forget it. It’s not worth the trouble.

Three ghosts coming to save you.

Bit more consideration for them than you did for me maybe, yeah?

Noted.

Good. All right, then. Cheers.

[objects clattering]

[grunts]

I told you. The guy is a level 20 pain in the ass.

You got this.

Yeah. No sweat.

All right, team, last looks. I’m going in.

[Yet-to-Come] Go get ’em, girl. Knock ’em dead.

[grunts, breathes heavily]

[elevator bell chimes]

Oh, come on.

Hello, Mr. Briggs.

I’m The Ghost of Christmas Past. Your past.

Hi. Wow.

Good. [chuckles] Good. You’re not… You’re not what I was expecting.

No? How so?

I mean, you’re… you’re lovely.

Yeah, I know.

But still, it is nice to hear it.

I bet.

Thank you. Um, but we should just… We… We should go.

I… I just… If you don’t mind… Would you mind if I have a quick shower?

I just would love to freshen up a skosh…

Shower? Right now?

The last ghost was a little musky, and I touched his chain.

Oh.

Ew.

Y-Yeah. Then definitely. You should shower if you’re feeling dirty.

Thank you. Okay.

Well, no.

I mean, wait. No.

We should just… We have to… We have to go. There’s a lot to see.

[Clint] Right. Of course. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh.

[both] Soft. Jinx.

Owe me a beer.

Yeah. Um, we should go.

Yeah.

Hey, Chief.

[gasps]

You got a sec?

Yeah. What’s up?

Look, man. I’m tired of being just the guy who points at stuff.

Right. Well, look, hey, I wouldn’t underestimate the pointing.

Yeah.

I mean, the way you do it, it’s chilling. Hit… Hit me with it again.

Boom!

Ah! Okay. You’re very good at it.

Yeah, I appreciate that, but I’ve got some catchphrases I wanna try out.

Check these out.

“Welcome to the bone zone.” [chuckles] “Bone appétit.” Ha!

Or my favorite, “You’ve been Christmas Caroled, bitch.”

I don’t know what to say.

Every year during the haunt, you try to talk and nothing comes out.

Yeah, and why is that? It’s just not…

Dude, it’s not up to him. He doesn’t make the rules.

Excuse me. Why aren’t you on the haunt?

Yeah. Well, get a load of this.

Yeah, I’m waiting.

So, flying him back to his childhood in Minneapolis.

Uh-huh.

[Past] And he’s holding my hand.

And he can’t help himself, he starts flirting with me.

One thing led to another, and, uh, you know.

Please tell me you’re kidding.

I am…

Okay.

…not kidding.

What?

[Past] I know.

Here we go.

It was unprofessional, but, you know, it’s been a very long time since anyone’s tried to get up in my beeswax.

So, Mama did something for herself for a change.

Okay. Well, did Mama consider the stakes? He’s an unredeemable!

He redeemed himself a little bit.

[Yet-to-Come] Good for you!

Just saying.

Okay. Now I feel like he’s judging me.

Mm-hmm.

No, I’m not judging you.

I… I don’t even know what to think. Hold on, hold on. Where is he now?

Oh, he’s fine. He’s, um, in his, uh, childhood bedroom in the ’80s.

We’ll talk about this later.

I need you to get back out there and take him through his past.

Right. Yes, okay. But, hey, could you do it? Cover my shift?

I mean, I… I feel like it’s gonna be awkward. He’s really into me.

[groans]

[groans] Ow.

All right.

[Yet-to-Come] Don’t you come back with the same story she did.

[zipper closes]

Ooh. My Alex P. Keaton action figure. [kisses]

Hey, uh… uh, ghost girl.

When I was a kid, this thing…

Hello, Mr. Briggs.

Hello. Where’s the other one? Are you also a…

Wow. This dream makes zero sense.

This is not a dream, Mr. Briggs.

And can you stop touching my face?

For sure.

I’m your Ghost of Christmas Present.

Present? What are you doing in my past?

See? Dream.

Well, your haunt got off to a bit of a “humpy” start.

Yes, it did.

So, I will be handling both past and present this evening.

Of course.

This isn’t my usual gig, so I just need to get a lay of the land, if you don’t mind?

Sure.

Um, yeah. This should do. Okay. Hmm.

Uh… [stammers] Hey, I’m haunting you.

Y-You can’t just run away from me when I’m haunting you. Hello?

Hey, hotshot, um…

Geez.

…you know, it’s totally understandable if you’re scared that you won’t be able to defend your choices.

Look, Colonel Sanders…

I haunted him, yes.

The proper way to do that technique is, you…

[child on TV chattering]

Carrie.

Carrie, Carrie!

Mom said we can open one present tonight.

[Carrie] Cool.

[parent] Let’s start with, uh, that green one.

You got me a puppy?

You’ve only been asking me for a puppy for about, what, a thousand years?

Where is he?

He’s sleeping in the kitchen.

Sparky! Sparky? Sparky?

Sparky?

Oh, Clinty, wait till you see him.

He’s got the most adorable little white paws and… Oh, my God.

How many times have I told you to close this kitchen door when you come back in?

If it doesn’t click when you close it, then it lets all the heat out, and apparently, adorable little puppies too.

Oh, geez, this is a Christmas tragedy.

[crying, sniffles]

Clint, no, no, no, she’s lying.

[Carrie] There is no puppy.

She got you a dog dish to make you think that there was a puppy.

That’s ridiculous.

[Carrie] Then why aren’t we looking for it?

You know, if you spent a nickel on it, we would be out looking all night.

Oh, that is it.

[parent] You’re ruining Christmas!

Yeah, you keep on running, missy.

Hey, where do you think you’re going?

Sparky? Sparky?

I see it now.

[door slams]

[young Clint] Sparky?

I see the…

I see the… [stammers]

The chain of events that led me to be the monster that I am.

[chuckles]

Oh. You’re faking. Very nice.

[laughs] Sorry. That was too much.

What do you expect when you misread the situation so egregiously?

That was the single best Christmas gift that she or anyone else has ever given me.

Hold on. A… A lie about a nonexistent puppy?

No.

The solid-gold lesson that people will believe anything if they wanna believe it.

I wanted a puppy so bad that it was better to believe I had a lost dog than no dog at all.

That lesson made me so rich, I could buy a million puppies.

Plus I never left the door open again, so you know, win-win.

Okay, smarty-pants.

Thank you.

No.

[people chattering, laughing]

That’s not for you. It’s for her.

Who’s her?

Yeah, yeah, I… I heard of this. It’s where people use that…

That pound or… or ha shy thing, right?

Yeah. Yep, I’m telling you, a year from now, this is gonna be on all of your phones.

[colleague] I don’t know.

Do people really wanna talk about everything they’ve ever done with every idiot they’ve ever met?

Yes. Yes, they do, new girl.

They really do.

Really? It’s Nora.

Nora. Yes, every thought, every meal.

Boy, that Nora was a keeper. Huh?

Wonder how it all works out with her.

[Clint yelps]

[Santa] Ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.

[panting]

[Santa] Ho, ho, ho.

[Clint] Oh, good. Christmas shopping.

[Owen] Hey, that’s Clint right there.

[Carrie] Hey, Clint.

Hi, Nora.

Hi.

Oh, my God, I love your boots.

[Clint whistles]

Hey.

[past Clint] Hey, Owen.

I’m sorry. The level of detail is astounding.

Is that a Sephora?

Yeah.

Those didn’t exist.

Good eye. Yeah, that wasn’t here.

We have a deal with them.

There’s my baby boy.

Oh, Mom invited herself, so…

Oh, here we… [stammers] Oh.

Hi, hon.

Oh, good, you’re drunk. Well, it’s 8 a.m. somewhere.

God, I used to love this mall.

Hey. [shushes]

[parent] And I see you brought this one again. Very lovely.

It’s nice to see you, Wendy.

[chuckles] Yeah, I’ll bet it is.

Hey, if anyone’s looking for a gift for me…

What?

Shut up.

What?

I’m gonna be an uncle? Uncle Owen? Like Star Wars?

Oh, my God. That’s amazing.

[Nora squeals]

[shushes]

[Owen] What? How? With who?

[Carrie] With me.

I’m done waiting around for a good man. I want a baby.

So I went to a clinic and all I know about the daddy is that he’s getting his master’s in marine biology and I helped pay for it.

[Carrie, Nora laugh]

I love sea turtles.

I get knocked up on Thursday. [chuckles]

[Nora] Congratulations.

Honey. Aren’t you happy for your sister?

No. Not… Not really, no.

Come on, Clint.

Come on, Carrie. I love you, but you have no clue how to be a mom.

Come on, dude. Not cool, man.

What are you talking about?

Your sister was always really good to you, wasn’t she?

It’s okay. I understand how he feels.

I really do.

See?

Okay, I don’t. You are incapable of putting anyone ahead of yourself and I’m… Oh, my God, I’m so done with it.

No, no. Nora, Nora. Hey, hey. Come on, come on.

Don’t do this. Don’t. Come on.

You know what?

Hey, it’s Christmas. It’s Christmas.

It’s… It’s my fault, all right?

I… I… I thought that I could change you and only a fool would think that. Goodbye.

All right. Bye, hon.

[Nora] Suck it, Wendy.

Okay, you too.

You know… So I was a little pigheaded. Weren’t you ever in your 20s?

It’s not about me.

You know what? Why not? Why isn’t it about you?

I don’t get to know anything about my accusers?

Oh!

[static]

[news broadcast, indistinct]

Hey. You watching this?

Senator, will you be resigning?

Clint, you fabricated a scandal.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

I’m not watching your dramatic “reencrapment” until you tell me something about you.

You’re acting like a child.

I can’t hear you.

It’s not crappy either.

[Clint speaking gibberish]

It’s very accurate. Hold CPM-104, please.

I can’t hear you. [speaking gibberish]

All right.

Nice.

I’ll answer one question about me.

[sighs]

Okay, five questions.

Two.

Eight. Final offer.

But w-we’ll close at three. Okay. Uh, question one, were you ever alive?

Uh, yes.

When?

Uh, well, I’ve been dead nearly two centuries.

What? Oh, my God.

And you’ve been doing the same job the whole time?

No. No, I was… [sighs] First ten seasons, I was in research.

[sighs] And then our GC Present retired.

GC?

GC… Gh… Ghost of Christmas Present…

Ghost… Oh.

Yeah. Of course.

…um, retired, and, uh…

I was called up to the show.

Oh, my God.

You know that first save?

[Clint] Mmm. Huge.

Incredible rush.

Felt like I was really making a difference.

Mm-hmm, was making a difference. But you’re not anymore?

Okay, you know what? I’ve answered your three questions.

And you just answered my fourth.

Why do you feel like that you’re not making a difference anymore?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Me?

I have never once had to put up with this level of bullshit from a perp.

A perp?

We are walking around in your past.

Most people are too freaked out to… To crawl up my ass with a bunch of stupid, irrelevant questions.

Stop it. Shut your dumb face and just watch the scene.

[sighs] Resume CPM-104, please.

Clint, you fabricated a scandal.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

I didn’t fabricate…

I suggested a scandal, uh, that the public and the media ran with.

And it’s gonna get our client elected.

You destroyed that woman’s life.

Meh.

We talked about these tactics.

I didn’t build this company so I wouldn’t be able to look my kids in the eye.

Okay, I have put this off long enough, but…

[chuckles] Are you about to fire me?

Clint, you’re the brightest guy I know. You’re gonna land on your feet.

No. No, I’m not gonna land on my feet, Dan, I’m gonna land on you.

When I take all of your clients with me.

You have a non compete clause.

[Clint] Which you will not enforce because you so fear what I can do using these tactics which are beneath you.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Dan.

He built this company with honor and integrity, and you destroyed it.

Well done. Come on.

Now hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You’re taking me all out of context. Wait, watch what happens next.

Hey, Kimberly. I’m starting my own firm.

I see greatness in you, and it’s being squandered here.

I’m gonna make you an executive VP, I will double your salary, but you gotta decide right now, are you in or are you out?

[stammering] Oh. I… [sighs]

I guess I’m in.

Great. Grab your coat. Let’s go build a dream.

Nobody gives you credit for that, do they? Believing in people.

Helping them live their best life.

Best life?

Yes.

Is that what you think?

100%.

All right.

You know what?

Can you cue up DS-261 from a couple days ago?

261? I cut that part.

I realize it’s a deleted scene. I’m calling an audible. Okay, Bonnie?

All right. God. Has he said anything about me?

No.

Okay, but, like, what’s his vibe?

I… I have no idea.

Right. I know this is gonna sound weird, but trust me, it’s strictly business.

[Present] What?

Can you smell his hair and describe it to me?

No.

Hi. Um, this is Margo from HR.

I just wanna say, everything is HR approved, totally okay.

Just go ahead with whatever you wanna do.

Fine. [sniffs] Cotton candy.

[murmuring]

[whispering] Oh, my God. That’s so sexy.

Now can you re-cue the scene, please?

[both murmuring, giggling]

[Past] Right. 261 coming at ya. Audible, I remember.

So this boy Wren’s running against, Josh Hubbins?

Well, Josh’s family runs a Christmas Day dinner at a homeless shelter…

This was, like, two days ago.

I mean, I remember what ha…

Shh!

[Kimberly] …quickly deleted this on TikTok.

When your parents make you eat Christmas dinner with homeless people. Gross.

[Clint] Oh! I am outraged. I told you Kimberly was the best.

Once Josh is done trumpeting his annual good deed, Wrenny, you post that video, start writing your acceptance speech, and Bob’s your uncle.

Okay, you’re right.

[Owen] I mean, he’s just a kid…

Do I regret saying, “Bob’s your uncle”?

Yeah, I do. But I made the choice, and I gotta live with it.

Look, I just ask that you respect me and my family’s privacy.

[Clint groans]

[groans]

What happened?

[groans, stammering] What was that? My face is burning.

Can we slow down and talk about…

Can’t believe we get one elevator a day.

Gotta catch this one. Bye, guys. Like ya.

See? Now, does that look like someone who’s living her best life?

It’s official. I’m a terrible person.

No, you’re not.

[gasps]

[Kimberly] Excuse me?

Hold on a second. What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

[stammers] Hold on 261.

Have we met?

We’re all good. We’re all good. Yep, make it go away. Thank you.

What were you doing in this? How was she talking to you?

[sighs] I don’t know.

I was scouting you, and then, uh, she looked right at me.

And we just… [sighs] We just started talking, and it’s…

Actually, never mind.

The point is that Kimberly’s a really good person, all right?

And you’re just…

Are you allowed to interfere in the lives of the people that you…

I’m trying to show the effect

your choices have…

Not really answering my question.

I’m done dicking around with you, pal.

Wow, sugar mouth.

Cue up CPM-163. Yes. Now.

[gasps] Not CPM-163, no.

No. I can’t…

[announcer on intercom speaking indistinctly]

[exhales heavily]

[Clint] Hey, guys.

Hey, Wrenny. Look what Uncle Clint got ya.

[Wren] Cool.

[Carrie] Yeah.

Mom, can I donate it to the sick kids?

Mmm, that would be really nice, sweetheart.

There’s a bin down in the lobby, okay?

Yeah, give it away. Glad we wrapped it.

It’s next to the teddy bear, okay? Have Martha help you. [clears throat]

Well, you’re certainly looking brighter than you were before.

Clint, don’t. Before she comes back, listen.

It’s time that I made some arrangements.

Okay… [stammers] Um… stop it.

[inhales sharply]

I need to ask you a favor.

And it’s a doozy. [cries]

No, we’re not doing this.

[Carrie] When I’m gone…

No. [stammers]

This is a key moment… Mr. Briggs.

No…

Mr. Briggs!

We got a runner!

We got a runner!

What are you so afraid of?

I’m afraid of you telling her to tank her grades.

And… And hurt another kid. And she’s listening to you.

I… I never said this was gonna be the easy way.

She wanted to win. And that means you have to play hardball.

[ghosts speaking Spanish]

Yes, Clint, but she has a good heart…

Señor. Señor, por favor. [speaking Spanish]

[grunts]

No, no, no, no. Señor.

[speaking Spanish] Señor!

[thumping]

[grunting, groans]

[ghosts murmuring, gasping]

We’ve got a breach.

Mr. Briggs. [speaking French]

[Clint] Non, non. Non, non.

Je ne peux parler français. Non.

[ghost speaking French]

Je m’excuse. Je m’excuse!

[ghosts gasping]

[ghosts gasping]

Oh! Ah, nuts.

[ghosts gasping, murmuring]

Everything’s cool. Back to work, everyone!

[“Für Elise” playing distantly]

Oh.

[footsteps approaching]

Hey, uh, that memory in the hospital.

That, uh… That’s… That’s what we call a kicker.

It’s a… It’s a key moment that has to be faced in order to, you know, effect any real change.

What are all these pictures of my executive VP doing up here?

Just, you know, research.

Did you Photoshop yourself into this one?

Did I? I don’t think so.

[Clint] You did.

Look, um… [sighs] …I may have pushed you into your kicker, you know, before you were really ready for it.

And I… I just wanna say… I’m sorry.

Oh, no. I’m… I’m sure that you gotta go big if you’re trying to redeem an unredeemable.

[imitates explosion]

Listen, um… That doesn’t have to be true.

Does it? I… I really believe you can be a positive force for mankind.

Oh, like you? How’s that going for ya?

You’ve been at this 200 years.

Is mankind getting any man-kinder?

More genial? United? Hmm?

Wanna know what mankind really is? Read the comments below.

That’s who we really are. And you know what, I… I accept that.

‘Cause I gotta live in it, pal.

I don’t have the luxury of sitting up here, judging everybody like some kind of cosmic social worker.

Is that what you think I am?

Yes, I do. And we are done here.

[wind whistling]

What? What’s with the dramatic look? You…

Do you think I’m gonna be all intrigued by what’s behind the door? I…

Forget it.

[Present] Not even a little bit curious?

Actually, no. I’m… I’m really not.

[Present] Clint?

Yes?

[sighs]

Clint! Let’s go. Right now.

[sighs] Damn it.

[people chattering]

Oh, this is yours.

Phew.

[child giggling]

[pedestrian] Come here, you little blighter!

You asked if I was ever alive.

Yeah.

What, the kid?

That’s you?

[knocking]

Yes?

Mr. Scrooge, I’m Woodrow, sir.

[Scrooge] Well, I have nothing for you, boy. So good afternoon.

[Woodrow] There’s no call for that kind of language, sir.

[Scrooge] I said, good afternoon.

Shame on you, sir. Saying such a thing to a child.

A good afternoon to you, madam.

[groans]

So you’re telling me the Dickens story is…

[Woodrow] Please, sir.

…Is based on you?

[Scrooge] What is it, boy?

Yeah.

Me and my father work at the mill. The one you just shut down.

Yes. And?

The mill is still quite profitable, sir.

But a thousand people have been put out of work.

And at a time they ought to be making merry.

Making merry? Humbug!

[gasps]

When your father fails to make his mortgage and I buy your home for a pittance…

[gasps]

…that will make me most merry indeed.

Good afternoon! [chuckles]

[door slams, lock clicks]

Okay, yes. You were a huge dick.

Wow.

The only other unredeemable to go through the program.

So I do understand the weight you carry.

Sooner or later,

it becomes unbearable.

[people chattering, laughing]

[piano music playing]

Uh, I don’t think she can see us.

Ah, right.

Madam. [blows]

[piano music stops]

All right, then. Hold your horses.

Whatever.

[mug thumps]

[Present] There we go.

Thank you.

[mugs clink]

Cheers.

[sips] Mmm. [spits] Oh, my God.

[exhales deeply]

That is… That is man piss.

Isn’t that nice?

[Clint] It’s warm.

It’s almost hot. [clears throat]

[Present] Mmm. It’s perfect.

So, I just wanna fully understand this. Um, you were Scrooge.

The ghost changed you, but you never relapsed.

The rest of your life, not one single humbug ever again.

The rest of my life.

How long was it? The rest of your life, I mean.

Roughly three-and-a-half weeks.

[Clint] Hmm. Years.

What?

Yeah.

You’re kidding?

No.

Really?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

[laughs] Sorry. [laughing] What… What finally did it?

Like, what… what… what got you?

[Present] Nothing fancy.

The leading cause of death back then was January.

No. [laughs]

[laughs]

But how did you… [coughs] How did you even know that you changed?

I mean, you know, anybody can… [laughs] …can be good for three weeks, right?

I mean… [laughs]

Hey, um… Hey, why did all those people get offended?

You know, when you said, “Good afternoon”?

Oh.

Well, in the 1800s, “good afternoon” was a sick burn.

No.

Hmm, yes. More or less meant “F you.”

Really?

Extremely graphic.

Yeah, why don’t you try it?

[sips]

You know, bust one out on somebody. I think it’ll make you feel better.

No, no, no.

None of this is real.

I… Clint, I… I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I’m fine.

[piano music playing]

♪ Now, fellow, here you are In a shitty British bar ♪

♪ With a frothy little frown Upon your lips ♪

♪ Another pint for me friend, extra warm ♪

Your accent blows.

Well, I beg to differ.

♪ As you’re drowning in that ale You’re feeling like a fail ♪

♪ You’re sorrier Than soggy fish and chips ♪

♪ But you don’t have to sit and pout Just let your inner Scrooge come out ♪

♪ ‘Cause why should any other jerk Enjoy his day? ♪

[grunts, sighs]

♪ When ya down in the dumps And need some cheering upsies ♪

♪ Turn and tap a hapless chap ♪

♪ And sweetly say ♪

[kisses]

Good afternoon.

[gasps]

♪ Good afternoon ♪

Well, I never.

♪ Just let one fly And you’ll be smiling pretty soon ♪

♪ Like this Good afternoon ♪

I beg your pardon?

You pompous arse.

♪ It’s like “piss off” But with a little touch of class ♪

[both] ♪ Oh, two little words Can totally change a tune ♪

[bar server shrieks]

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon!

Good afternoon.

[bar patrons] Good afternoon.

I’m sensing no.

[bar patrons shouting, grunting]

♪ So you’ve done nothing wrong In so very, very long ♪

♪ And I get It’s an important point of pride ♪

It’s part of my job.

♪ But come on, now don’t stay quiet You know you wanna try it ♪

♪ Better to never let all of the bitter Be bottled up inside ♪

Oi! Out of the road, dingus.

[horse snorts]

Oh, come on, bub.

He’s got it coming. You know you want to.

[groans]

Come on. Come on. It’s right there.

Just let it…

Good afternoon!

Yes!

♪ Good afternoon ♪

The hell you say?

♪ Sir, you’re a wankerous Cantankerous buffoon ♪

What’s all this, then?

♪ Good afternoon You smell of shite ♪

[policeman shrieks]

♪ Now we didn’t say good morning Or good night ♪

[Present] That’s right!

[policeman] Get back here!

Whoa!

♪ Yes, two little words Can totally change a tune ♪

[blows whistle]

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

She clogged the loo.

Good afternoon.

He diddled your wife.

Good afternoon.

It meant not a thing, I swear upon my life.

Good afternoon.

He has the plague.

Good afternoon.

She called you a whore.

Good afternoon.

I’m an orphan. Please, sir, may I have some more?

Good afternoon.

[boxers grunting]

Hello, Governor.

Good afternoon.

[grunts]

Pardon his French.

Good afternoon.

♪ Just deplore them with decorum Like you’re Judi bloody Dench ♪

Wait, wait. Was that Judi Dench?

Oh, my God. She’s a national treasure.

I love her in everything.

Oh. I loved her in that, uh, Chocolate.

Chocolat.

[shushes] Chocolat.

♪ While we’re strutting Through the streets of London town ♪

[townspeople vocalizing]

♪ The quickest little pick-me-up Is kicking people down ♪

[grunts]

[grunts]

Whoo!

[mouthing words]

[townspeople gasping, screaming]

[explosion]

[pedestrian] Good afternoon. [screaming] Good afternoon!

[Clint, Present groaning]

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ It’s tons of fun ♪

♪ And if you’re shocked Then you can kiss my Dickens, son! ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kiss it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop. Stop!

Son! Eve… Oh, what?

No, it’s Charles Dickens. It’s a fun little thing.

Yes, thank you. But there is a baby…

None of this is real. [gasps]

[Present] There’s a baby.

[sighs] Madam.

[mother scoffs]

I am so sorry.

[Clint] He should be.

[scoffs]

Uh, and ma’am…

Good afternoon!

[baby crying]

♪ Good afternoon Our favorite swear ♪

♪ Just let a little vile Fill the village square ♪

♪ A pin to pop some prick’s balloon ♪

♪ And nobody is immune ♪

♪ For giving a man A kick in the pantaloon ♪

♪ Oh, two little words Can totally change a tune ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

[townspeople] ♪ Good afternoon, good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon, good afternoon ♪

♪ Good afternoon, good afternoon ♪

[screams, grunts]

[thumping]

Oh.

Oh, that’s… Oh, he’s dead.

Yeah, he’s definitely… No, he’s fine.

No. He’s good.

Well, none of it’s real, anyway.

Wow, he’s squirrelly.

How did you know all that?

I didn’t. I was just following you.

You were following me?

Yeah.

Oh. I messed up in the middle there.

Yeah, tap is new for me.

A little. Yeah. Yeah.

It’s a very expressive medium though.

And they all knew too.

Ahem.

[Present chuckles]

A word, please.

Right, uh, just…

Okay. Hear me out. I know what you’re gonna say.

But I was losing him, okay?

And I just thought if he could see that I was an unredeemable too…

So, you thought it might be a fine idea to take him on a little field trip into your own past?

I should’ve made you take your retirement package when you asked for it, rather than risk everything on this unredeemable.

No, no. Hey. [stammers]

No, of course not.

I may not be getting with your program, but it’s not for his lack of trying.

This guy has been busting my balls.

Back to bed, Mr. Briggs.

“Back to bed.” I… [screams]

And you. From now on, I want everything on script. Understand?

Jacob, I was just trying…

On script. On script!

Okay, okay, okay. On script.

[scoffs] Say it a few more times next time.

Good afternoon.

[Marley] Excuse me?

[Present] Huh?

[Marley] What was that?

Good afternoon. [chuckles]

Uh, it wasn’t me. I heard it too. I don’t know what that was.

[gasps, panting]

[Christmas music playing distantly]

[Christmas music playing]

[guest] Hey, Clint. Clint, Clint, Clint.

Uh, hey, Charlie. What’s up?

Hey. First of all, love the look.

Thank you. What do you want?

GQ Santa.

Oh. That rumor about artificial Christmas trees off-gassing.

Right.

Genius.

Thank you.

Brilliant. Look at this. It’s trending.

That’s… It’s, um…

[Present laughing]

Will you excuse me? I’m gonna figure out what the hell that’s all about.

What what’s all about?

[Present continues laughing]

[Present] Come in and know me better, man.

[Present laughs]

What in the hell is this?

I am The Ghost of Christmas Present.

[Clint] Your boss chews you out and now you’re going full Dickens on me?

Look, I-I gotta go by the book now.

Can I have one of these? What do they mean by your retirement package?

Clint, please.

Why do you want to retire?

I only threatened to retire as leverage to get him to approve you as this year’s perp.

Retire to where?

Where does a ghost retire to?

For the last time, Mr. Briggs, this isn’t about me.

Now we’re back to Mr. Briggs and a perp.

You know what, I’m gonna get back to my guests.

And you can stay up here in your giant toilet of food.

No. No, no, no. Clint, Clinty. Hold on.

All right. If I tell you… [breathes heavily]

…will you cut the crap and just come along?

Sure. Sure.

[sighs] Fine. You’re killing me.

Good.

[sighs]

All right. My retirement package, if I were to choose to collect it, is a gold watch, a Sephora gift card, and the chance to return to Earth and live out the rest of my life as a mortal.

Oh. And you want that.

You know, what I want is for you to shut up and let me do my job.

That’s what I want.

Great. Do your job.

Grab my hand.

[Clint] We’re doing this?

We’re doing it. It’s gonna be quite a ride.

[groans] Oh, my God.

[earpiece static hums]

Bonnie.

Remember, the key word is “quite a ride.” [grunts]

[Clint] Whoa!

[Clint screaming]

[Clint groaning]

[Present sighs]

Here we are. Our first stop. [chuckles]

We… We were just here.

Listen, I have a whole department of people who work very hard on these transitions.

Whatever. Doesn’t matter. I know exactly what’s going on.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

I mean, I love Clint. He’s great. I consider him a friend.

See? A friend.

I mean, as much as anyone can be friends with Clint.

Have you tried telling him about your personal life?

See how long it takes for his eyes to glaze over.

Whew. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. They’re shit-whispering me.

Yes, they are shit-whispering you.

You’re talking about Clint?

Ah, yeah.

Yeah. He can be a little self-absorbed, but here’s the thing that you guys should understand about Clint.

As a kid, he was alone a lot.

And he learned the only person that he could count on was himself.

So, you know, don’t… don’t be… [chuckles] …don’t be too hard on him.

He… He’s good inside. I should know. He… He’s my big brother.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I love him.

[coughs]

Well, if it isn’t The Ghost of Christmas Present.

Kimberly, hey. Hi.

You must be here to haunt Clint.

So she can see you. Does she know about all of this?

No. [stammers] Not really.

I… [gasps] …I love your costume. Rudolph.

Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

You look adorable.

Always with the compliments.

Now I’m actually kinda glad I came.

[Present] Yeah.

Me too.

I knew it. You let her see you because you’re into her.

But, I mean, who throws a work party on Christmas actual Eve?

Only Clint, right?

Son of a…

It’s a power move.

Now you guys are shit-whispering me too. Let’s go. Come on. What’s next?

Uh, sorry. I… I… I was actually on my way out.

Yeah. Okay.

I thought we were gonna do things by the book.

[grunts] It was great seeing you, though.

Uh, oh. Yeah.

You too.

[Nora] It’s okay. Just the one tonight.

[Nora’s son] Whoa!

Wow, I love it.

[Nora’s daughter chuckles]

[Clint] Yeah. Ex-girlfriend, I get it.

[Nora laughs]

Family I could’ve had.

[Nora’s son] Thanks, Mommy.

Honestly, I… I’m… I’m really happy for Nora.

Oh.

Why can’t you just admit that you let Kimberly see you?

I didn’t let her see me. She just…

Oh, come on. I see the way you look at her.

I really think that you wanna retire.

You don’t know me.

You don’t know you.

You think you’re better off than that guy?

[Nora chuckles, kisses]

[chuckles] Thanks, honey.

Look, you think this’ll tempt me?

Something cozy? Something stable?

Stuck on some suburban street with…

Is that meat loaf on the table?

♪ See, you’ll claim this is my dream ♪

♪ But we both know that’s not true ♪

♪ So let’s shift the conversation ♪

♪ ‘Cause this dream ♪

♪ Belongs to you ♪

[blows]

Tear into ’em.

Right?

You don’t have to save the paper.

[Present] Yeah.

Yeah, or maybe I put the greater common good above my own personal fulfillment.

But you wouldn’t understand that, would you?

So being human again would be personally fulfilling for you, then?

♪ The story of your life A whole new narrative ♪

[Present] I’m tired. Ooh.

[Kimberly] Ooh, me too.

♪ The story with the wife and kids You clearly want to live ♪

[children laughing]

♪ You almost had your shot at love Until, you know, you died ♪

♪ But I can help you have it Be your wing man, be your guide ♪

♪ You might rewrite The story of your life ♪

Have to make sure you’re in bed when Santa comes.

♪ The one you’ve been denied ♪

I could help you with Kimberly. I mean, you guys were really vibing back there.

R-Really? Do you really think so?

Yes, yes.

Her eyes are so adorable when she laughs.

[Clint] They are.

[stammers] Oh, wait. I know what you’re trying to do. Come on.

[Clint] All right, that’s a firm grip. All right.

You’re just extraordinary. You know that?

[Clint] Are we going to Narnia?

[grunting]

Wait. No, no, no, no. What are you doing? What are y… Hey!

♪ The story of your life ♪

♪ The dream you dare to chase ♪

Get off the table, please.

♪ The story of your life Watch the pieces all fall into place ♪

♪ You haven’t felt a woman’s touch In so very… ♪

[Present] Stop it!

Wha… Wow. Not a duet.

Are you five years old? Get down from there.

This is… This is a homeless shelter.

They can’t see us.

I’m trying to help you.

I don’t want your help.

I’m here to help you. So stop it and pay attention.

Fine. Whatever. Am I supposed to know this kid?

[Present] That’s Josh Hubbins.

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

[Present] Wren’s opponent for student body president.

Oh.

Whose life you told your niece to cancel.

I sent you a great pic. You should post it.

Might be a vote-getter.

Might not be.

I don’t know. I don’t want people to think I’m only doing this to win the election.

[Josh’s parent] Proud of you, buddy.

Uh-huh.

But I think it’d be fine to post it.

See? He doesn’t want to post about it. Maybe he’s a good, humble kid who just…

[cell phone beeps]

And he posted it.

With a humblebrag. Shocking.

Wanna show me some more stuff I’m right about? It’s getting fun again.

Quiet.

[Clint] Hey.

You ever just stare in the mirror and think, “Does this wreath make me look like a…”

Okay. No more questions.

No more questions?

No more questions. Wait here.

I’m just getting started with the quest… Oh! [screams]

[laughs] That’s just fun to watch.

[screaming, grunting]

Can you please tell Bonnie or whoever’s in charge of transitions that this is getting ridiculous?

[Wren] Uncle Owen.

[groans]

[Wren] Are you okay?

Yeah. [pants]

How do you never get better at this?

How are you so good at this? We only do it once a year.

Your brother’s such a good man.

[Owen] You want some cocoa?

[Wren] Oh, sure.

You know I pay for everything, right?

You’re gross.

Yeah, he is.

[Owen grunts]

[skater gasps]

All good.

Looks like Wren’s trying to decide whether to take her uncle’s advice.

She’s probably not even gonna post it because she takes after my sister…

[Present] And she posted it.

You wanna see some more things you’re wrong about?

You know, I’m happy for her. If you wanna make your school a better place, you’re gonna have to accept certain uncomfortable truths, and that’s…

[cell phone pinging]

[Josh] Enjoy.

Thank you, dear.

[cell phone chimes]

No. Oh, no. No. [sniffles]

Look, this is…

[Josh crying]

This is good.

[stammers] There’s a… There’s a lesson in there, you know?

If you’re gonna run for office, your past is fair game.

He posted that when he was in sixth grade, you butt crack.

Look, I…

He was 11.

I don’t want anything to happen to the kid, okay?

I’m not a monster.

Look, what about all the people that took the clickbait? Huh?

What about those people?

Good. Yes, yes. Good. Good, good, good.

All right. This is on them.

What’s good?

This inner turmoil. Let that get in you.

Come on. This where real change begins.

No.

Can we re-cue CPM-163, please?

What’s CPM-163?

No, I… I… I know it’s very unusual.

Please, we need to go back to Christmas Past’s Memory 163.

What is that?

Thank you, Bonnie. No, I… I don’t wanna hear about it right n…

[radio chatter]

Thank you, Patrick.

Stay with me, Clint. Stay in it.

Oh, come on. Don’t do this.

No, it’s okay. I’m here with you.

Please don’t do this. Come on, man. I…

You can do it. Come on.

I’m here with you the whole way.

[announcer on intercom speaking indistinctly]

[Clint] Hey, guys. Hey, Wrenny.

[sighs]

Look what Uncle Clint got ya.

[Wren] Cool. Mom, can I donate it to the sick kids?

[Carrie] That would be really nice, sweetheart.

There’s a bin down in the lobby, okay?

[Clint] Yeah, give it away.

Glad we wrapped it.

It’s next to the teddy bear, okay? Have Martha help you. [clears throat]

Well, you’re certainly looking brighter than you were before.

Clint, don’t.

Before she comes back, listen. It’s time that I made some arrangements.

Okay… [stammers] Um… stop it.

[inhales sharply]

I need to ask you a favor, and it’s a doozy.

[breathes shakily]

When I’m gone, I’d like you to take Wren.

Okay. [chuckles]

Okay, stop. [stammers] You’re not gonna go anywhere.

You know, even if… even if you did, which you’re not.

Okay, I’m not… I’m not the dad type.

I’m really not. You know, I’m crazy busy

and I’m… I’m, you know… selfish.

Clint, you don’t fool me. I know who you are underneath all of that.

That’s… That’s where you’ve always been wrong about me.

I really am this selfish.

[Owen] Bad news, Carrie.

They were out of vegan stuff downstairs so I just got you a chicken noodle.

But I picked out all the chicken bits, so it should be good.

Hey, Owen. Uh…

Hey.

Our sister has something that she wants to ask you. It’s a favor.

I think, uh, if you could just hear it with an open mind and make me proud, okay?

Yeah.

[mouths] I’m sorry.

Hey, Carrie.

[crying]

What do you need?

Anything in the whole wide world.

We’re family. I’ll do anything for you.

[Carrie] Thank you, Owen.

Hey. I know that wasn’t easy.

But you faced it and that took guts and I’m… I’m proud of you. Come here.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Ease up. That’s enough. You’re gonna get ectoplasm all over me.

All right. Your final ghost will be right with you.

Now, he’s a little imposing. Doesn’t say much. Mostly points at stuff.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold… Hold… That’s it? You’re leaving?

Well, yeah. My part of the haunt is over.

But don’t worry. You’re gonna do great.

No, no, no. No. Hold on.

You don’t get to make me relive the worst moment of my life

and then just F-O. What about you?

I faced my kicker. Now it’s your turn.

Clint, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s not about me.

Oh. Oh, well, then good afternoon.

Uh-uh. Oh, no. You know I find that triggering.

That’s why I said it.

Take that down a notch.

Who are you to tell anyone how to live their life when you’re busy running away from your own? Just admit it.

All right. No, no, that’ll do. Not another word.

Let’s get you back to the office before…

No shame in admitting you’re afraid.

Oh, yeah? What is it I’m so afraid of?

You’re afraid of that one question.

What’s he on about?

I don’t… [stammers] I have no idea. [chuckles]

Sure you do.

It’s the question that keeps you up at night.

Keeps you working here year after year, after year, when you could be alive again.

Oh, no, no, no. There is no call for singing. Now come on. Let’s…

Doesn’t matter how many people you change, no matter how much good you do.

You still don’t know the answer.

The answer to what?

♪ Am I forever ♪

♪ Unredeemable? ♪

Wh… Why, that’s preposterous. You were redeemed. I was there.

♪ But can I ever overcome ♪

♪ All the wrongs I’m running from? ♪

That was all so long ago.

You’ve more than made up for all that by now.

♪ Can my worst be left behind ♪

♪ And do I deserve to find ♪

♪ There’s a soul Who could see any good in me ♪

♪ Or will I only ever be ♪

♪ Unredeemable? ♪

There’s only one way to find out, boys.

He takes his retirement right now.

All right. That’s enough. Back to bed.

Oh, no. [groans]

[Present grunting]

[panting]

♪ Spent every waking minute Taking all that I could take ♪

♪ Never stopped to reckon With the ruin in my wake ♪

♪ With all the bridges that I burned The wounds I didn’t mend ♪

♪ All the worth I thought I earned It turned worthless in the end ♪

Uh, what’s going on?

[shushes]

♪ What was it for? ♪

♪ Well, is it possible ♪

♪ I’m meant for something more? ♪

♪ Am I forever unredeemable? ♪

♪ Can I be a man who breaks From a lifetime of mistakes? ♪

♪ Can my worst be left behind And do I deserve to find ♪

♪ A kind of love that I can lean on ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Or will I learn I have to stay ♪

♪ Unredeemable? ♪

[Marley] Listen well, Ebenezer.

♪ Unredeemable ♪

You will be visited by three spirits.

You’re wasting your time, Jacob.

Are you sure?

Come on, big guy.

♪ We have to believe Inside the worst of us ♪

♪ There is some decency there ♪

♪ Decency there ♪

♪ You know that you can achieve Something miraculous ♪

♪ If you’d only dare ♪

♪ If you dare ♪

♪ If you dare ♪

♪ I have to go, I have to try ♪

♪ That’s how I’ll know ♪

♪ Know if I’m ♪

♪ Forever unredeemable ♪

♪ Unredeemable ♪

♪ If I’ll ever be someone Who makes up for all they’ve done ♪

♪ Or is all I am unlovable? ♪

♪ Unlovable ♪

♪ Am I someone someone can forgive? ♪

♪ Can I take the leap and live? ♪

♪ There’s a lot I leave behind ♪

♪ But I gotta go and find if it’s true ♪

♪ That there is truly good in me ♪

♪ Truly good ♪

♪ And maybe see that I won’t always be ♪

♪ Unredeemable ♪

♪ Unredeemable ♪

♪ Am I unredeemable? ♪

♪ Can you redeem the unredeemable? ♪

♪ Unredeemable ♪

[vocalizing]

[gasps, breathes heavily]

[exclaims, screaming]

[gasps, screaming]

[stammers]

[breathes heavily]

What is this? [gasps]

What’s what?

Wait, am I… [breathes heavily]

Oh! [chuckles] Oh!

I think… I think so.

You’re… You’re… You’re warm.

[chuckles] Yes! I’m warm.

[chuckles]

[gasps, grunts]

What’s wrong?

Ooh, itch.

What?

Itch. I got… [stammers] Do you mind?

[stammers] Okay. [groans]

Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Yeah, yeah. [grunts] To the right?

Pajamas are made of burlap.

Can you get into my sleeping gown?

Just… Just…

No. God, I would rather not.

[grunts] Please. Please, I beg of you.

Oh, yes! Oh, that’s terrific.

Okay. There we go. That’s it.

Oh, mommy. Whoo.

Ah. [grunts] Okay.

Ah, that feels so good.

Yep.

I forgot what it’s like to scratch an itch.

I forgot what it was like to feel this way about my hand.

[sighs] Thank you.

[exhales sharply, breathes heavily] Oh! Oh, wow.

Why am I… Why am I so heavy?

Gravity.

Ah. Yeah.

[Present] Oh. Oh, my…

You have, uh…

Indoor plumbing.

Could I?

You may.

[sighs, chuckles]

Careful.

This is amazing!

I have always wondered what this would be like and it does not disappoint.

Whoo!

Hey! What’s, uh, conditioner?

Well, uh, y-you wanna use that on your head.

[Present] Oh. Too late!

Can I do this every month?

Sure.

Look out, New York City. This guy showers once a month!

[Christmas music playing]

Your clothes are really too tight on me. I feel silly.

No, you look fine. Come on.

Hey, look at this guy! Whoa!

Jacket. Slacks. Hmm. Little pocket square.

No, don’t. Put that back, please. Thank you. He can…

He can see me. You can see me.

Yes, he can.

Yeah, I can see you.

He can see you very well, I think.

You’re gonna wanna get used to that. Really you are.

Everyone can see me.

Yes.

Hello! You can see me! [grunts]

You’re gonna wanna get used to that too.

Whoa, man. Aah.

Are you okay?

Think so. He’s… He’s fine.

I think so. Yeah.

You look… You look stupid.

You look stupid.

No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, Dave, back off.

Okay. Will you just get it together?

Well, no, he looked stupid.

There she is. Let’s go talk to her and…

Oh, no. That’s her.

You know what? Here’s the thing.

[breathes heavily] Let’s just put a pin in it, okay?

I don’t know what to say to her.

What do you mean? You… You were doing great before.

Just… Just do more of that.

[sighs] Yeah, but that’s when she was a fantasy. And now she’s real.

I’m gonna screw it up.

Look, I-I think I made a big mistake, okay?

I-I’m not ready for any of this.

I used way too much water in the shower.

I mean, is that who I am here? The guy who hogs all the hot water?

Hey, hey, check it out.

What?

[grunts, inhales deeply]

[grunts, exhales deeply] That was fantastic.

Yeah. Get it together. Enough with the buyer’s remorse.

Hey, you made the right decision.

Don’t think. Deep breath.

[inhales deeply]

Go get her. Now. Before she gets away. Trust me.

Okay.

Okay.

I will slap your head off.

No, no. I’ll… I’ll go talk to her.

I will. I will. I promise.

The next ghost… [sighs] The future’s always in flux.

I… I don’t know what you’re gonna see, but just hear the guy out. All right?

I mean, you asked me why I chose you.

I know why you did.

Because I can be a positive force for mankind, or whatever.

No. Well, yes. At first.

But then when I found out you were unredeemable, like me, I thought, “If I can change this guy, maybe there’s hope for me too.”

[Kimberly] Yeah. [chuckles]

Kimberly?

Hey. [chuckles] You’re back. And in a… a boldly tight suit.

Yeah. It… It is a little snug.

No, I… I like it. I… It’s kind of a Euro-fit. And I like it on you.

Yeah. Yeah, it is a Euro-fit, because I buy all my clothes in Germany.

Oh. I can see.

[Present] Yeah.

Um… [stammers] Sorry, but would you…

Would you wanna, uh, go somewhere and maybe, I don’t… [stammers]

No, you don’t even have to answer…

No, I would love to… Yeah.

[stammers] I would love to.

Oh, great. Really?

Totally. I love “somewhere.” [chuckles]

Yeah, me too. Oh, my gosh.

What?

[grunts]

[stammers] Oh.

What is it? An itch?

Mm-hmm. Oh. [exhales sharply]

Here, let me help you.

Where? Right there?

Yeah.

That’s a choice.

Ah, that is heaven on a stick. [chuckles]

[chuckles, gasps] Ooh!

[sighs] Thank you.

There’s a place called “Heaven on a Stick.”

Oh. Okay.

It serves corn dogs, but, I mean, it…

It’s food, right?

It’s delicious. [chuckles]

[Present] Mm-hmm.

[both speaking indistinctly]

Hey, Sydney.

Hey, Clint.

Hey, how you doin’?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Stuart. [chuckles]

[mouths] Come on!

[thunder rumbling]

[blows]

[Present] Oh.

This is beautiful.

[Kimberly] So, you just decided one day that you’re gonna quit your job, leave it all behind, and move here?

Well, every year I’d say, “It’s time to move on.”

And then every year, I chose to stay.

And our choices make us who we are, don’t they?

[scoffs] Yeah. Guess they do.

So this year, I chose something else.

Honestly, I’m… I’m worried I made a huge mistake.

But, I mean, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here with you.

Is that okay?

[chuckles]

[Present sighs]

♪ The city is sparkling With twinkling lights ♪

♪ It’s one of those magic “Manhattan-y” nights ♪

♪ Can’t tell what comes next He’s sure taking it slow ♪

♪ But he’s holding my hand And he’s not letting go ♪

♪ He’s goofy, he’s tall He’s got a good heart ♪

♪ But I don’t wanna fall And have it all fall apart ♪

♪ I look in his eyes ♪

♪ And they keep saying “Leap and the net will appear” ♪

♪ So why not dive in ♪

♪ ‘Cause a brand new beginning Feels long overdue ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

They said it’s supposed to snow tonight.

Really? Doesn’t feel cold enough.

[chuckles] Not cold at all.

♪ How wet are my armpits? ♪

♪ How red is my face? ♪

♪ When I used to date Holding hands was third base ♪

♪ I think there’s a spark ♪

♪ Could this thing become real? ♪

♪ Could it possibly be That she might feel like I feel? ♪

♪ This woman’s as kind As a human could be ♪

♪ So why would she wind up With someone like me? ♪

♪ And what if we find out, in time ♪

♪ Maybe I’m that same jerk like I fear? ♪

♪ ‘Cause the man that I see Could so easily be ♪

♪ Just a Scrooge déjà vu ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

[vocalizing]

[both] ♪ Maybe I haven’t lost sight Of what’s right ♪

♪ ‘Cause tonight it’s so perfectly clear ♪

♪ Somehow I see who I could be ♪

♪ Just being with you ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

♪ That’s the view from here ♪

I… I don’t really buy all my clothes in Germany.

[school bell rings]

[Wren] All in favor?

The motion is carried.

Well, this is great.

Community volunteer work will be…

She did it. She… She looks presidential up here.

Look at her go with her little gavel.

[bangs]

Next order of business is that all student fund raising will be overseen by an in…

[cell phones chiming]

[students whispering]

…will be overseen by an independent…

[chiming continues]

[classmate] Did you see this?

What’s going on?

What is it? What does it say?

[vigil attendees humming]

What’s this supposed to be?

Wait. What are you telling me? The kid?

Because of a little online dust up?

How was I supposed to know that he would do something like this?

[Owen sighs]

[crying]

Wait a minute. Hold on.

[stammers] It’s just shadows of things to come.

I mean… [stammers] …these haven’t actually happened yet.

I’m not gonna turn my life upside down for you people,

but… but this is an easy one. I can fix this one.

[stammers] Let’s just cut the tour short, all right?

You don’t speak? You just… You just point at things?

Why don’t you point to the way out, huh? Is that it? Right there?

Old me.

[flat lining]

[grunts]

I don’t wanna know! I don’t wanna know!

Come on.

[shouts]

Whoa.

Yes!

Yes, I… I’ve seen the movies. I know the drill.

Here. Here it is.

Right here. The…

93. Not bad. [pants]

[Past] I got him.

Yeah, he jumped ahead to YTC-407. Pretty sure he was looking for me. Sorry.

[Clint] Hey, it’s you.

Yeah.

Listen, can you please help me get the hell out of here?

Don’t get all clingy, okay? I’m at work right now.

I knew you’d get too attached. I knew this…

Here he is. Hey, over here.

[Yet-to-Come panting, wheezing]

[sighs]

You good?

[Yet-to-Come exhales heavily]

Yes, dude, I see it.

It’s so disturbing. I’m so sad. Are we done? Can I go?

[Yet-to-Come groaning, grunting]

You all right?

Are you trying to talk?

[Yet-to-Come groaning]

Oh, it’s so sad. Look what you’ve driven him to.

[Yet-to-Come roaring]

You ruined everything!

Oh, my God, you did it.

That’s what he sounds like?

[Yet-to-Come groans]

You made my best friend quit!

Yeah!

No! No! I did not. That was his choice. And frankly, I’m proud of him.

That’s why I’ma kick your ass.

Ah! [grunts]

[Yet-to-Come roaring]

[Clint groaning]

[Yet-to-Come] You been Christmas Caroled, bitch!

Whoa! I’m back! I’m back. What time is it?

4:15.

4:15. Good. Thank God.

There’s still time. I gotta find my phone. Where’s my phone?

Hey, I… I think I have moderate to severe Crohn’s disease.

[Clint] No, you don’t. Stop… Stop watching that.

God, you look like hell.

I know. [stammers] It’s just, I…

Wait, uh, did you see your future?

Did it… Did it change you?

[Clint] No!

No. There’s just one little… [pants] …one little wrinkle I need to iron out.

Where the hell is my phone?

You mean this phone?

[Clint] No, I don’t know her number. Like I know anyone’s number.

It’s 12 blocks. We’re gonna walk.

Wait, wait. What’s going on?

What… What’d you see?

Nothing. Nothing. It’s fine.

I just think it’s better if Wren doesn’t post the video, that’s all.

What happens if she posts it?

Something bad?

Oh, come on!

Huh? What… What’d ya… see?

Oh, God. That’s still kinda thrilling.

[elevator bell chimes]

[Present] Clint, Clint, Clint, wait… wait up.

[Clint] You don’t have to come.

[pants] You… You seem very passionate about this.

Are you sure you haven’t changed?

[Clint] No, I didn’t. Will you quit asking me that?

[Present] Clint, please slow down!

[Clint] Whoa! Ah!

[metallic clanking]

Oh, boy! Did your head make that clang?

[Clint groaning, grunts]

[Present] That was so loud.

[Present] That’s gotta be a concussion.

[Clint] No, no.

Okay. Here we go. All right, easy. Easy.

Oh. Are we going back up? Did you forget something?

No? Oh, okay.

I don’t know.

All right.

Uh, sir, could we please speed it up a little? Thank you.

Hey, uh, what’s going on? Did you see something in your future?

It’s no big deal. I… Um… Hey, how did it go with Kimberly?

Oh. Terrible.

We walked all over Manhattan and talked and connected and…

[sighs] …we even kissed. On the lips.

How is this ter… That sounds amazing.

It was. She is. She just doesn’t know who I am.

Oh, my God. Will you quit with the unredeemable crap?

You just haven’t dated in a few hundred years.

Driver! This is a matter of life and death here.

Can we kick it in the ass?

You got it.

[engine revs]

[tires squealing]

“Life and death”? I thought you said it was no big deal.

[tires squealing]

[honking]

Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen.

[Present] Oh, you wanna go, wise ass? Huh?

No, I…

Hey! Hey! Hey! It doesn’t… It doesn’t mean that anymore! Hey! Hey!

Sorry!

[driver] Hey!

[Clint] Sorry!

[driver] Jesus!

[elevator bell chimes]

You know, when they were doing my future, there was this little sick kid.

What did they call him?

It was Tiny Tim.

No. No, no, no. Sweet kid. One crutch.

No.

Little Larry.

No. Tiny Tim.

Pretty sure it was Little Larry. Anyway…

Pretty sure it was Tiny Tim.

…In my future, Little Larry was dead, and it was my fault.

Cratchit needed money for an operation, and I was just too stingy.

It was Tiny Tim!

You killed Tiny Tim, okay?

Micro Michael? Super-small Steve.

Holy sh…

[elevator bell chimes]

I like tiny. Oh! Teensy Tim?

Wait. Itsy Witsy Isaac.

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

[shutter clicks]

Where is she? Come on.

Whoa! Sh… Wrenny? Wrenny?

Ah. Th… There.

[Wren] Uncle Owen! Are you okay?

[Owen groans]

How do you never get better at this?

She posts it right after he fell.

You should post it. Might be a vote-getter.

[sighs]

[cell phone chimes]

Clint.

I need to talk to Wren.

Wait, wait, wait. Before you talk to her, just…

This is important.

[both groan]

Ooh, right in the concussion.

[Clint grunts]

Clint, come on. She’s posting.

Come on. [grunting]

[grunts]

No.

Oh, Kimberly, you have no idea what you’ve just done.

I did what I should’ve done the minute you asked me to dig up dirt on a child.

I told Wren that her choices make her who she is.

And you know what? So do mine.

♪ ‘Cause the decent and honest Young woman ♪

♪ Well, she’s still part of me ♪

♪ It’s taken me years but I finally quit ♪

♪ There’s a line you can’t cross And guess what? This is it ♪

♪ No, Clint I haven’t lost sight of what’s right ♪

♪ ‘Cause it’s perfectly clear ♪

Kimberly! [groans] I’m sorry to interrupt,

because you are killing it right now.

But did Wren post the video or not?

No, I didn’t. I’m sorry. Are you mad?

I mean, Kimberly…

[stammers] Hold on, you didn’t post it?

No.

She did… She didn’t post it!

Because you’re good like your mom.

You… [grunts]

Yeah. [chuckles]

I… I don’t do hugging very well.

Oh, screw it. Come here, Kimberly. [groans]

Thank you. You have no idea the good that you’ve done.

Oh, great, are we doing hugs? Come here.

Owen. Okay, listen…

Hold on, just let me… Let me get this out first, okay?

Look, I know I don’t say this enough, and you don’t have to say it back…

I love you, too.

[sighs] That’s it. That’s what I was gonna say. [chuckles]

Bring it in. Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. You win the hug. Good stuff. That was fun.

Oh, boy, that’s a relief.

[Clint chuckles]

Okay. Get ready.

Get ready.

[Owen] Whoo!

‘Cause something very special’s about to happen.

Just… Just hang on. No. You guys won’t be able to see it.

Only he can see it. I wish you could see it!

Only he can see it. Yeah.

That would be amazing.

You know what, just excuse us for just one second.

Love it. Love it, right?

Okay, hey. Hey. What is going on?

I don’t know. I don’t… I don’t know why this isn’t happen…

I mean, you’ve changed.

[stammers] There’s supposed to be singing. It’s the big climax.

Marley!

I told you, I didn’t change.

Marley?

I just took back one dick move.

No. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

You were about to prove that unredeemables really can change.

You rushed down here to help a kid.

You… You told your brother that you loved him.

I love you so hard, man.

Thank…

If you say it too much, it loses its…

Why isn’t this happening? Come on.

Probably ’cause I’m gonna go back to work next week

and I’m gonna keep doing what I do.

I’ll feel guilty for a couple of days, but then I’ll rationalize it.

I’m really good at that. [chuckles] I have a talent for it.

I’m sorry, but it’s not like I wasn’t aboveboard about all this.

Roberto!

He’s having a weird day, all right?

I’m gonna go get him.

We’ll rent some skates and stuff and we’ll… we’ll have a good time.

Right back.

You do know I quit, right?

Hey! Where ya going?

Uh… [stammers] …I g… I gotta go back.

Back? Can you even go back?

Clint, just… just let me go. You… You don’t wanna be around for this.

What do you mean by that? Hey, whoa. Hold on a second.

What are you gonna do? Are you crazy?

It’s still Christmas. There… There’s still time.

[stammers] I-I’ll go back and… And w-w-we’ll figure something out,

and… and… and you’ll change.

People… People don’t change.

This isn’t about me anymore.

This is about you running away from your life again.

All right. L-Look, you’re here, you’re human.

Hey. Besides, I thought that… I thought that we were really becoming…

Becoming what?

I thought we were becoming…

[sighs] …you know.

Bros?

[hesitates] Yeah.

I was gonna say friends, but bros.

Yeah. I just, uh… Look, if you’re not feeling that, and th…

No. No, no. I a… I am. I… I… I mean… [chuckles] …I didn’t wanna assume or make it weird.

It’s not weird.

Yeah, I… I feel it. A lot. [chuckles]

I’ve never had a bro.

Well, you got one now.

And your bro is telling you to calm down and come go ice-skating with your new girlfriend.

She thinks I’m good.

Maybe you are.

Oh, so now people do change?

No, I… I… I don’t know.

I don’t know. M-Maybe there’s no magical quick fix.

Maybe you gotta put in the work, you ever think about that?

You gotta wake up each day, get out of bed and decide, “How ’bout today I don’t wish anyone a good afternoon?”

Come on.

[car horn honking]

[brakes screeching]

Hey! No!

[bus horn honking]

[Present grunts, breathes heavily]

[Clint breathing heavily]

What did you do?

I don’t know.

Yes! See? This is what I was talking about. Whoo!

[Clint] No. N-No, no. Wait. Whoa, no. Wait, no.

Really, you got it all wrong. I was… I was just…

No. No, no, no. No. No.

You just jumped in front of a bus to save someone you care about.

[both chuckling]

My bro.

Your bro.

It was just a reflex. I did… Wait. Did I?

Are you sure?

We’ve been doing this a long time, Mr. Briggs.

We’re quite sure.

Okay, then. Let’s get some chili!

[ghosts cheering]

[Yet-to-Come] Yes!

[groans] We’re doing another one? Is that entirely nec…

[stammers] No, it’s fine. Go ahead. Okay, go ahead.

♪ I used to think that I was sure Of what made people tick ♪

♪ You strip ’em down right to their core And find a self-centered prick ♪

♪ I thought when the push Came to the shove ♪

♪ I knew just what I’d do ♪

♪ I’d put me before you ♪

But you didn’t.

Guess I didn’t.

♪ You can be a cynic and a sinner Who can only see the flaws ♪

♪ But even if you lost your way You don’t have to stay a lost cause ♪

♪ So can we do a little good? ♪

♪ Maybe give a little more? ♪

♪ Work a little harder than we did The day before ♪

♪ It only takes a little good ♪

♪ And some doing what you can ♪

♪ Taking every chance to make the choice To be a better man ♪

♪ So do a little good ♪

♪ Well, I have spent each Christmas Day Obsessed with wrong and right ♪

♪ You thought change Could only work one way ♪

♪ It had to happen in one night ♪

♪ But now you know, oh, now you know ♪

♪ The line of good and bad Is not so clean ♪

♪ And what we are Is something in between ♪

♪ It’s an everyday decision ♪

♪ Two steps forward ♪

♪ One step back ♪

♪ But if you try to do what’s right You’re on the right track ♪

[all] ♪ So try to do a little good Maybe give a little more ♪

♪ Work a little harder than you did The day before ♪

♪ Work a little harder ♪

♪ It only takes a little good And some doing what you can ♪

♪ Taking every chance to make the choice To help your fellow man ♪

♪ So do a little good ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Just a little, just a little Just a little ♪

♪ Maybe there’s no magic wand ♪

♪ Maybe there’s no switch to flip ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Some days you may soar beyond ♪

♪ Some days you may soar beyond And some days you start to slip ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ You can give the world some good In the daily give-and-take ♪

♪ With every ripple, ripple, ripple That you make ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

♪ Maybe give a little more ♪

♪ Give a little more ♪

♪ Work a little harder than you did The day before ♪

♪ Doing the world a little good ♪

♪ It only takes a little good ♪

♪ Just a little good ♪

♪ And some doing what you can ♪

♪ Do what you can ♪

♪ Taking every chance to make the choice To help your fellow man ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And whether it’s Christmas Day ♪

♪ Christmas Day ♪

♪ Or a random day in May ♪

♪ Or a day in May ♪

♪ You’re gonna wanna say ♪

♪ That you tried the best you could ♪

♪ And a little is enough ♪

♪ A little is enough ♪

♪ A little is enough ♪

♪ To do a little good, hey! ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

♪ Do a little good, give a little more ♪

♪ Some days you may soar beyond ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Do a little good ♪

Tiny Tim.

Thank y…

[bus horn honks]

[brakes screech]

[gasps] Clint. [breathes heavily]

Clint!

[pedestrians chattering, clamoring]

Damn it, that hurt.

What the hell?

Is it over?

Sure felt like a finale to me. [chuckles]

No, no, no, no, no. Whoa. Whoa.

Hey.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Why is everyone standing around?

Wanna do some CPR or something? Why are they just standing there?

It’s a little beyond CPR, I think. [chuckles]

I mean, I’m not even sure what’s left to blow into.

But we were just… We were singing and dancing.

[ambulance siren wailing]

We just became bros.

No, I understand, I do.

But your sacrifice would have no meaning if it had no consequence.

Okay. Okay, I get that. But this ending sucks.

[Carrie] It’s not the end, Clint.

I’m so proud of you. [cries]

[Carrie crying]

It’s okay. Don’t be scared.

Wait. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

No, no. Go to the light.

No, no. Just one second.

Go to the light. Be with sis.

Here’s the thing. Little idea.

Wrap it up.

It’s a little out of left field. Hear me out.

Thank you. Mmm.

Have Margie in Research set a meeting with Morality to go over this business with the prime minister.

And I want all new Heartstrings by end of day.

You got it, Captain.

Let’s get after it.

Hey, yo, Chief,

I’m gonna hit the food truck. You want a street taco?

Yes, please and thank you, buddy.

No doubt.

Excuse me, Clint. What is all this?

Which one is this year’s perp?

[Clint] Well, they all are.

You’re not reading my memos, are ya? We’re expanding, Jake.

Ghost of Ramadan Past, Ghost of Hanukkah Yet-to-Come.

It’s a whole thing. You’re gonna love it.

We don’t have the personnel for all this.

Oh! Uh, we’re meeting later about the ongoing self-care program.

I’d… [stammers] …love you to stop by.

Uh, yes. Okay. All right. [chuckles]

Good.

I’ll… I’ll stop in.

Okay, I look forward to it.

Nice to see you, big sister.

Oh, hey, Clint. [chuckles] And then…

Boo.

Oh. [sighs]

What you working on?

This perp file is driving me nuts.

I just can’t find a Heart string we can grab onto.

Mind if I take a peek?

Please.

Great.

Just don’t use it as an excuse to come home late tonight.

Well, that hurts.

I will be early.

No, no, no, no, no. You’re a ghost. Let’s get going.

[continues indistinctly]

[doorbell rings]

[Clint] Kim, this place looks amazing.

Clint, you know I can’t see you. Can you…

[Clint] Oh, I always forget. Sorry.

[chuckles]

[Clint] Hi. [chuckles]

Nice to see ya. [groans]

Nice to see you. Oh.

Well, come on in. He’s out back with the kids.

[child] Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet?

[Present] Yeah, it’s not ready yet.

Is it done? Is it done?

But I can’t build it,

if I keep dropping the damn screws in the grass!

Hey, Ronny. Ronny, put that down. Ronny! Ronald J. Fishman Pratt, put it down!

Okay.

[Ronny] That was bad.

Sorry, kids. I didn’t mean to shout. All right?

Come on, bring it in. Come on.

Uncle Clint!

Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in.

That never gets old. Okay. Hey.

[Ronny] Whoa!

He still comes out from time to time.

[Clint] That’s okay. Hey, I’m sorry to barge in.

I’m having a little trouble with this file.

You mind putting your eyes on it?

No, not at all.

Okay. Yeah?

Yeah.

Great. Thanks.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Ronny! There’s a bathroom inside.

You see that Wrenny got into the master’s program at Stanford?

[Present] Oh, yeah.

Owen texted me as soon as she got in. I’m sure proud of that kid.

[chuckles]

Told ya. This perp is a tough nut to crack, isn’t she?

Yeah. But wait, look. Look right there.

See that, uh, that tiny flutter in her exposure?

Butterflies.

Butterflies. She was in love.

No! C… Come on. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Yeah.

We’ve looked everywhere. When? With who?

Well, you didn’t look there.

In her early 20s. I don’t know. We have to find out with who.

With who. With “whom”?

Ah, right. “With whom.”

Yeah, I think that sounds educated.

With whom. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, sure.

I hear that.

I do too.

Oh, it’s a… It’s a, uh, reprise?

That… It’s… Yeah, the, uh, a r-reprise.

Is it reprise?

Uh, it’s reprise.

Or… It’s reprise.

Yes.

♪ You wait for the day You prep for a year ♪

♪ And when the big day is finally here ♪

♪ You take a jerk and work To turn ’em around ♪

♪ You show ’em their life And you hope for the switch ♪

♪ And when it goes off without a hitch ♪

♪ This Christmas train is party-bound ♪

A puppy!

♪ We’re giddy with a holiday Goodwill gleam ♪

♪ ‘Cause helping out is sweeter Than eggnog cream ♪

♪ We might be dead But we’re living that Yuletide dream ♪

♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪

♪ Is there a morning more appealing? ♪

♪ The magical mood when being merry ♪

♪ Is very necessary ♪

♪ We’re changing all mankind ♪

♪ We planted the seeds And joy is blooming ♪

♪ Now we got one less hateful human ♪

♪ We’re doing the world a world of good ♪

♪ Putting some nice Into the neighborhood ♪

♪ Playing our parts Changing hearts, one by one ♪

♪ We got that Christmas morning feeling And damn, is it fun ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

[cheering]

♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪

♪ Feels like my soul went snowmobiling ♪

♪ Saving a perp from certain peril ♪

♪ We’re like A Christmas Carol ♪

♪ In perfect harmony ♪

♪ If we’re jacked up on joy And cheer, it’s ♪

♪ ‘Cause we’re insanely awesome spirits ♪

♪ Doing the world a world of good ♪

♪ Cause that’s our after-livelihood Bringing… ♪

Couple of ’em ghosts was twerking over there, if you look closely.

I… I saw. Yeah. I noticed.

You did?

That’s why you wanna clear your browser history.

♪ And that Christmas morning feeling Has only just begun ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Begun ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la… ♪

[all] Good afternoon! [cheering]

[Present] Guys, do you wanna hear the rest of my song?

♪ Every day I wake up With a single dream ♪

♪ Running through my head ♪

Look, I have another meeting I’m actually late for.

♪ To throw a tiny stone Into a mighty stream ♪

♪ And watch the ripples as they spread ♪

♪ Well, we fall in line Follow every rule ♪

♪ But is that something We should really take pride in? ♪

♪ ‘Cause we’re treading water In the kiddie pool ♪

♪ When there are oceans We could turn the tide in ♪

♪ If you wanna make a ripple ♪

♪ If you wanna make a wave ♪

♪ Playing safe and thinking small Doesn’t move the ball at all ♪

♪ There’s humanity to save ♪

♪ Can we really make a ripple ♪

♪ With our feet up while we float Too afraid to rock the boat ♪

♪ If we never test the waters We’ll never know ♪

♪ Just how far the ripples go ♪

♪ Do you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple? ♪

♪ I think you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple ♪

Consider the consequences.

Consider the possibilities.

♪ Now, if we choose this dude One goes to two then four ♪

♪ And then it jumps from four to eight ♪

[ghosts] ♪ Ripple, ripple, ripple ♪

Yes!

♪ Soon, you guys It multiplies to thousands more ♪

♪ Can you hear it reverberate? ♪

[ghosts] ♪ Ripple, ripple, ripple ♪

♪ Then to millions and to billions And it never ends ♪

♪ And all across the world The change is gaining some traction ♪

♪ Reaching other planets ♪

♪ Maybe aliens ♪

♪ From one man we began a chain reaction ♪

♪ Ripple, do you wanna make a ripple? ♪

♪ Do you wanna make a ripple? Ripple, ripple, ripple, ripple ♪

♪ If we wanna make a ripple ♪

♪ That could turn into a wave ♪

♪ Time to be what we’re about Gotta turn this mother out ♪

♪ Friends, it’s just called being brave ♪

♪ It’s just called being brave ♪

♪ We need more than just a ripple ♪

♪ Make the choice to take a chance Let’s put on our big boy pants ♪

♪ If we only skim the surface We’ll never know ♪

♪ Just how far the ripples go ♪

♪ Do you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple? ♪

♪ Do you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple? ♪

♪ Do you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple? ♪

♪ Do you wanna make A ripple, ripple, ripple? ♪

♪ Can we redeem the unredeemable? ♪

♪ Is he redeemable? ♪

♪ Can we just risk it all And find a way? ♪

♪ Can we accomplish the impossible? ♪

♪ Is it impossible? ♪

♪ Well, it’s impossible to say ♪

♪ But I have to believe Inside the worst of us ♪

♪ There is some decency there ♪

♪ Decency-cy-cy-cy-cy ♪

♪ I know that we can achieve Something miraculous ♪

♪ If we only dare ♪

♪ Do we dare, do we dare? ♪

♪ Damn right, I dare ♪

♪ Yes, we dare ♪

♪ If we wanna make a ripple ♪

♪ Ripple out to make a wave ♪

♪ Then let’s fry some bigger fish Ask forgiveness, not “permish” ♪

♪ There’s humanity to save ♪

♪ Can’t resign yourself to ripples ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’ll barely make a dent Giving 99 percent ♪

♪ Go for broke Because it’s time that we finally know ♪

♪ Just how far the ripples go ♪

Okay, Mr. Ray Maddison, elevators are right down the hall, and here’s the key card to your suite.

Hang on, don’t look left, eyes on me.

There’s a problem and I will address it immediately.

Do not look left.

Oh, I’m gonna murder a man in the grand lobby.

[bell ringing]

Huh?

[multiple bells ringing]

Oh, no, no.

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