South Park: The End of Obesity (2024)
Genre: Animation, Comedy, TV Movie
Director: Trey Parker
Stars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, April Stewart, Kimberly Brooks
Plot: The advent of new weight loss drugs has a huge impact on everyone in South Park. When Cartman is denied access to the life-changing medicine, the kids jump into action.
* * *
WARNING
THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS
THE ACTUAL SOUND OF AN OBESITY DRUG
BEING INJECTED INTO TREY PARKER’S STOMACH.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
♪ MTV. ♪
♪ ♪
CARTMAN: Ow. Ow! Ah, God!
I’m just taking your blood pressure, Eric.
It’s too tight. Stop.
(air hisses)
Ms. Cartman, I’m extremely worried about your son’s health. His blood pressure, his cholesterol. I think it’s time for some drastic measures to bring down his weight.
Oh, God, here we go with this shit again.
Doctor, we try to have Eric eat right and exercise, but it just doesn’t seem to work for him.
Well, there might be another answer. Have you heard of semaglutides?
Semaglutides?
They’re the active ingredient in Ozempic, a drug originally made for people with diabetes but we’ve now discovered they can help obese people lose vast amounts of weight.
Really?
It’s a whole new era of medicine. A miracle, really. Young man, how would you like to not be fat anymore?
Not be fat anymore? Me? Not fat anymore?
♪ ♪
Hey, guys! How’s it going? Good to see you guys. Hey, Wendy, you want to know something?
What?
You’re a dumb bitch.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. You’re a dumb bitch and you got saggy tits.
Oh, yeah, Cartman? Well, you’re a… You’re a… (groans)
(laughs) Sweet!
Oh, hey. Hey, Kyle. Kyle, guess what? You’re a totally ugly ginger and your religion is fucking bullshit.
Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a… You’re a… uh… Damn it!
(laughs) Yeah! Awesome!
Hey, hello there, Pakistan. Your whole country is fucking dumb and it smells like ass. Okay, Pakistan? Why don’t you get your shit together?
(crowd booing)
Oh, yeah? Well, you are normal person!
You are… very average-looking.
Fuck yeah, dawg. This is fucking nice!
♪ ♪
Wow. Could this really happen? Doctor, is it really true I can not be fat?
It’s really true, young man.
How much do these new drugs cost?
Well, they aren’t cheap. It’s about $1,200 a month.
Oh, I don’t know if we can afford that.
Oh. All right. Well, never mind, Eric. Have a good day.
Never mind? You can’t just tell me there’s a new miracle drug that’ll make me not fat anymore, then say fucking “never mind”!
Insurance companies only cover the medication for diabetes, not for weight loss. So if you can’t afford them, you’re just kind of out of luck.
Doctor, please, I’ve been fat my whole life. I hate how I look. Please, there has to be something you can do.
(sighs) All right. I’m gonna write you a prescription for Lizzo.
Lizzo?
She’s a really good singer who talks about body positivity and just being happy with the way you look. I want you to listen to Lizzo five times a day and watch her videos just before bedtime. Oh, and I’m afraid you’ll have to be on Lizzo for the rest of your life.
No! Lizzo, no!
WOMAN: (screams) Oh, my God!
REPORTER: A new weight-loss drug, one that’s been described as a game changer…
REPORTER 2: Patients with obesity lost up to 17.5% of their body weight…
MAN: The drug works by mimicking a naturally carried hormone that is released from the gut…
♪ Well, I’m going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time… ♪
WOMAN: One hot topic everyone in Hollywood still seems to be talking about is Ozempic.
♪ Yeah, I’m going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind… ♪
WOMAN: Obesity is a biological condition…
Are these new drugs a silver bullet for weight loss?
♪ Heading on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can’t unwind… ♪
It will be the most lucrative drug ever made.
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine. ♪
(woman screams)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
I’m going to school.
Not looking like that you aren’t.
Not looking like what?
We’ve talked about this, Shelley. You don’t go to school wearing shirts that show off your body like that.
All the girls at school dress like this, Dad. Mom already said it was okay.
What?
It’s really just the fashion now, Randy.
I don’t care if it’s the fashion, I don’t want my innocent little daughter going to school dressed like a cum whore. Go put on a different shirt.
No. I don’t have to. My body’s not a distraction, it’s perfect, and you can’t tell me what to do.
You’re gonna get stared at all day. Little boys are perverts.
Mom already said I could wear it!
(nasally): Mom already said I could wear it!
You’re stupid. The school says girls can wear shirts like this so I can do what I want!
(regular voice): Okay, cool, then maybe I’ll just wear whatever I want to school to come pick you up later!
Go ahead!
Ugh.
She’s gonna be fine, Randy. She’s just growing up.
Oh, she’s gonna be fine? Okay. Mark my words. If you walk around wearing a shirt that exposes your belly, you end up with a bad group of people doing a bunch of drugs. You’ll see.
♪ ♪
Randy was really upset, but I don’t know, I just don’t see what the big deal is. Do you let Wendy wear crop tops to school?
Yeah, sometimes. I think it’s fine when girls wear them. What I can’t stand is all the middle-aged moms wearing them now ’cause they’re all on Ozempic.
Who’s on Ozempic?
Oh, Butter’s mom, Craig’s mom. A bunch of women use it to lose that last five pounds and show off their stomachs.
Oh, hey, guys. How’s it going? Just getting some coffee?
Hi, Linda. You’re, uh, looking good.
Oh, yeah, you know, just working out a lot, doing Pilates and stuff.
Uh-huh, sure.
Kind of cold out, isn’t it, Linda?
Oh, no, I’m not cold. Not with all the running I’m doing lately to work on my core.
Hey, ladies. Boy, it sure is chilly out this morning, huh?
Yeah, I sure hope summer comes soon.
Yeah, uh, we, uh, we got to get going. We’ll see you guys around.
Linda, you look really good. Which obesity drugs are you taking?
Drugs? I-I’m not taking any drugs. I’m just hiking and lifting weights.
Oh, Linda, you don’t have to be shy with us. I’m using Ozempic and Laura’s using Mounjaro. Come on, what are you on?
Oh, well, the truth is, Ozempic gave me the shits so I switched to Zepbound.
Ooh, Zepbound’s the same as Mounjaro, but you don’t have to have the diabetes to get it, right?
Yeah, I think Zepbound is the one Tweek’s mom is doing.
Who had the half-caff venti chai latte?
Oh, that’s me.
Listen, girls, we’re doing the party at my house this afternoon, okay?
Okay, sounds good.
The-the party?
Yeah, you know, the obesity drugs are so hard to get, all the girls meet up and share drugs and talk about them. You got to come.
Okay, I will.
(laughter)
♪ ♪
Hey, Kyle. Kyle, can you come talk to Eric for a minute? He’s really upset.
Cartman’s upset? So what?
He’s been crying all day and now he’s just sitting on the merry-go-round all by himself.
♪ ♪
(sniffles)
What’s wrong with you?
(sniffles) Nothing.
Okay, Cartman, obviously something’s wrong.
(sniffles) I’m just fat. And I’m always gonna be fat. (sniffles)
Is this a trick?
I’m just… there’s these new medications that can treat obesity, but my mom can’t afford them. I’m-I’m just a poor, fat kid.
Poor little fat kid.
Okay, Cartman, if your doctor wants to put you on medication, your insurance will pay for it.
No, they said the insurance won’t pay for it ’cause, um, they’re kind of new drugs, and so the only people that can get them are people who can pay 1,200 bucks a month and the rest of us get this.
What’s this?
It’s a prescription for Lizzo. Rich people get Ozempic, poor people get body positivity.
They can’t just give medication to rich people.
Well, that’s what they’re doing.
Well, did you talk to the insurance company? Did you file a claim? Let’s go down there and talk to them.
See? I knew Kyle could help.
When it comes to your health, you got to be tough, dude. You got to have some fucking willpower, okay?
(sniffles) Okay.
(school bell rings)
Oh, hey! Hey, Shelley! Over here, Shelley. Yeah, right here. It’s Dad! I’m here to pick you up!
Oh, my God.
Oh, what? What’s the problem, Shelley? Come on, sweetheart. Daddy’s just here to get you!
Tweek, come on, let’s go, honey. Get your stuff. Oh, hey, Randy. Look at you.
Huh?
So, you’re, uh, you’re doing the thing, too, huh?
Doing-doing what thing?
Oh, come on, we can all be honest with each other. Those of us that can afford it have nothing to be ashamed of, right? You’re, uh, you’re into the drugs?
Well, yeah, I’m into drugs.
Yeah, me, too.
Whoa, really?
Yeah, I love them.
Well, I’m more into drugs than probably anyone in this town.
Well, then, what are you doing? You got to come join the group.
There’s a group?
Yeah, a bunch of the girls, we get together and talk about all the different drugs and where we can get them. They’re way harder to get these days. At Laura Tucker’s house tomorrow, lunch. Come hang with the girls and we can share drugs.
BUTTERS: Wow, look at this place.
Well, hello there. Looking to get some insurance?
No. My friend’s mom already has insurance with your company.
Oh, great. You’re here to pay your bill.
No, no, we’re not here to give you money. We’re here to file a claim for my friend’s medication.
Oh, you want money from us. Right through that door over there.
(printer whirring)
Hello.
We want to file a claim to get my friend’s weight-loss drugs paid for.
Oh, okay.
Do you want to know his policy number or anything?
Let me… let me just speak with our medical director first.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Sorry, but we don’t pay for medicines for obesity because it’s not a disease.
Who was that?
That was the medical director. The medical director decides what claims are valid for us to pay for.
But you didn’t say who the patient was and what was wrong with him.
Right. The medical director’s job is just to say no.
Look, my friend’s mom has been paying you people for years, and his doctor says his weight is a medical concern, and obesity is a disease. Oprah Winfrey says so!
Okay, okay, calm down. Calm… down.
I didn’t realize I was dealing with someone who had so much determination. If you do a little more work, I think we can get your medications paid for.
W-We can?
Yeah, you see, the doctors and the pharmaceutical companies and the insurance companies all kind of work together. So all you have to do is navigate the American health care system.
♪ ♪
BUTTERS: ♪ We’re gonna navigate the American ♪
♪ Health care system ♪
♪ It’s there for you and me ♪
Just fill out these forms.
♪ We’re gonna get better ♪
♪ And we’re gonna be strong ♪
♪ And as healthy as can be ♪
I need to send you to Imaging.
♪ Let’s navigate the American ♪
♪ Health care system ♪
Just fill out these forms.
I just… I just filled ’em out at the last place.
♪ It’s so much fun to be getting it done ♪
I can’t sign this for insurance. His original doctor needs to sign this.
♪ We go back to the doctor ♪
♪ To get that thing for insurance ♪
♪ Then go back to insurance… ♪
(printer whirring)
We need you to get a second opinion from a doctor who’s in network.
Ugh.
♪ We’re navigating the American health care system ♪
♪ Now just watch us go ♪
♪ We’re getting things done, taking care of our health… ♪
We need these filled out and then faxed to your insurance company.
♪ We’re filling out forms ♪
♪ And we’re scanning those forms ♪
♪ And then we’re emailing those forms ♪
♪ To get them back to insurance. ♪
(printer whirring)
We need confirmation from a different specialist.
♪ Let’s go and navigate the American ♪
♪ Health care system ♪
♪ It’s the best system of them all… ♪
No, we already talked to the insurance company. They were supposed to talk to you.
♪ And we go back to the doctor ♪
♪ We go back to the specialist ♪
♪ Who talks to the insurance company ♪
♪ That faxes the medical advisor ♪
♪ Who’s on a boat in the Maldives ♪
No.
♪ And were going in one place ♪
♪ And we’re coming out the other place ♪
♪ And we’re back over here now ♪
♪ And I was just over there ♪
♪ And I’m getting confused, and it’s getting dark ♪
♪ And my mind is all different colors ♪
♪ And I think I’m lost. ♪
(echoing): Hey, fellas, I think I’m lost in the American health care system. Fellas? Fellas?! Help!
So my doctor says, “I don’t think you really need “these drugs, Mrs. Stotch. They’re more for people with morbid obesity.”
I was like, “I have to be in a bikini on Wednesday. You can morbid obesity my ass.”
I heard most doctors will still prescribe the ten milligram Zepbound shots.
No, they’re cracking down on those, too, because people with diabetes need it.
(doorbell rings)
Hey!
Oh, hey, Randy. Girls, Randy says he has a hookup on some really good shit.
Oh, wow, let me get some of that.
(excited chatter)
Welcome to the club, Randy. Which drugs are you on?
Well, I’m on whatever. I brought a little appetizer for everybody.
Everyone. Everyone, we have a little surprise for you all. So, Alexis Testaburger just decided to start taking the drugs. She went to Mexico and was able to get a 12-injection sample through customs.
Party time, guys.
No way.
How can you get it?
How much can you get?
Oh, my God.
How much is it?
I need it now.
Oh, I want some.
I need it now.
I’m all out.
Here you go, Randy.
Oh, thanks, yeah. That’s, uh, yeah, awesome.
Is something wrong, Randy?
No. No, I’m not a-scared.
Well, go ahead, Randy.
ALL (chanting): Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
♪ ♪
Bravo!
(all cheer)
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy…
♪ Cry, little sister ♪
♪ Thou shall not fall ♪
(indistinct chatter, laughter)
♪ Come, come to your brother ♪
♪ Thou shall not die ♪
♪ Unchain me, sister ♪
♪ Thou shall not fear ♪
♪ Love is with your brother ♪
♪ Thou shall not kill ♪
WHISPERING VOICE: Randy… Randy…
Oh, you’re finally up. You got home late last night.
Oh, uh, yeah. I was just out doing some hiking.
You were hiking at night?
Yeah, I was hiking really a lot.
Well, here, I made you some bacon and eggs.
Uh, no, thanks. I’m really not that hungry.
Towelie. Towelie. You’re not gonna believe this. Dude, have you ever done GLP-1 peptides?
GLP pep what now?
There’s these new, crazy drugs people are doing. It’s like cocaine and molly mixed together. They make women go crazy.
No, really?
Yeah. Last night I was partying with nine hot MILFs, and this morning I woke up, and guess what. I don’t feel like total shit. It’s like a miracle drug.
You partied all night and felt fine the next morning?
Totally fine. There’s, like, nothing wrong with me.
Wow. You want half a breakfast burrito?
No, I’m good. I seriously thought maybe I couldn’t do hard drugs anymore ’cause of all the downsides the next day, but this, like, changes everything. There’s another rager at Mable Thompson’s house tomorrow. I can’t fuckin’ wait.
Stan, Kenny, we need your help.
Hey, where have you guys been?
We’ve been out navigating the American health care system. I almost died.
It’s so fucked up, you guys don’t even understand.
What’s fucked up?
They just purposely make it difficult for people to pay for what they need. The insurance companies, the hospitals and the drug companies, they’re making obesity drugs more expensive in America than anywhere else in the world. There are celebrities and rich people using these new drugs to lose a few extra pounds, and meanwhile, Cartman’s fat as fuck and can’t get any help.
Dude, what do you want us to do about it?
Yeah.
I was watching a bunch of videos online. They show how you can order raw semaglutide from a factory in India and mix your own injections for next to nothing.
You mean, like, we’re gonna get powder from India, and make it into obesity shots for Cartman ourselves?
Who needs hospitals and insurance when we have TikTok and YouTube?
♪ ♪
♪ It’s my life, whatever I wanna do ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ Wherever I wanna go ♪
♪ It’s my life, whom I wanna love, uh-oh ♪
♪ It’s my life, whatever I wanna talk ♪
♪ It’s my life, wherever I wanna walk ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ Whom I wanna leave, uh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh… ♪
The semiglutides are here!
♪ People think that I’m somewhat mental ♪
♪ They don’t know I am very sentimental ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Is something wrong with the food, Randy?
No, no, it was great.
You’re done? You want to just skip to dessert? I made your favorite pie.
Ooh, pie? Yeah, maybe later.
Kids, can you leave the table so I can have a talk with your father?
What? What’d I do? Don’t leave.
Randy, I think I know what’s going on.
You do?
Yeah. You keep saying you’re going to the gym and doing Pilates, but then you aren’t eating anything. Are you doing those new drugs everyone’s doing?
What? Oh, my God. What? Sharon. I am not doing drugs.
Just be honest, Randy.
Sharon, I smoke weed and drink beer. That’s it. I can’t believe you would even think I would… Sharon!
Then how are you not eating?
What…? I ate. Just ’cause I don’t eat as much as you. Just ’cause I’m doing Pilates, working out and stuff. Sorry, I don’t eat as much as you do. I’m just trying to be better. Not on drugs. Why would you even suggest that I’m doing drugs? Are you drunk?
♪ ♪
(doorbell rings)
Randy. Thank God. We have a big problem. There’s no more drugs!
No more drugs?
Do you have any?
Well, no. I thought you guys always had plenty…
Shit. Randy doesn’t have any either.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Goddamn it.
We’ve been totally cut off.
W-W-What, what happened?
There’s been a nationwide crackdown because doctors are saying some people are abusing the drugs.
Well, what else are you supposed to do with drugs?
What are we gonna do?
I know what we should do. Let’s go knock off a pharmacy. They have plenty of drugs.
Good idea.
Yeah.
Yes.
I know for a fact the pharmacy on Tanner Street has a whole new supply.
So we’ll break in and take ’em.
(overlapping agreements)
We can do it.
Yes.
Uh, I think, ladies, we can get in a lot of trouble for doing that.
That’s right. So we have to make sure nobody knows it’s us.
Nobody move. This is a holdup. Stay calm and nobody gets hurt.
Keep your hands up.
This will all be over soon.
Go make sure the back doors are locked.
Ah… Okay. God.
Oh, come on, Mrs. Tucker, Mrs. Neely, how many times do I have to tell you these drugs aren’t meant for people like you.
How do you even know who we are?
Because you ladies can’t help but expose your stomachs everywhere you go, no matter how inappropriate it is. Ah!
Come on, get the drugs and let’s get out of here.
That’s all of it.
All right, come on. Let’s go.
All right. Come on.
Let’s go!
Let’s get out of here.
Let’s go. Let’s go.
Hey, there’s some OxyContin and Vicodin, should I grab that, too? No?
(whirring)
All right, that should be good. Kill the switch.
(clicks)
Okay, Kenny, bring over the injector.
It’s done?
It’s done. You know, Cartman, this could be dangerous. If you don’t want to…
To hell with danger. This can change my life, Kyle. Let’s do it.
Kenny.
Well… Here it goes, guys.
Cartman? Do you feel anything?
I think so. Get me some Cocoa Puffs.
What?
I need to make a cereal bomb. Get me Cocoa Puffs, Cap’n Crunch and a bucket of KFC. Hurry.
So, what’s going on?
We don’t know. Cartman’s been in the bathroom with the bucket of cereal for almost 30 minutes.
Dude, Cartman, what are you doing?
(lock clicking)
Look at this.
Look at what?
There’s two chicken thighs in there.
So?
So? Do you know the last time I couldn’t finish a cereal bomb? I think these drugs totally work!
They do?
My favorite thing in the world is eating a cereal bomb and taking a shit at the same time to make more room. But I got to the last two thighs at the bottom and I was like, “Wait a minute, I think I’m full.” I’ve never known that feeling before in my life, you guys. But I’m full.
You really can feel a difference?
I totally feel a difference. I always drink the chocolatey chicken milk left at the bottom, but it’s still sitting there.
Wow!
Dude, I think we did it, Kyle. What do we do now?
Now? Now, we’re gonna make a whole lot more. We’re not gonna just help Cartman, we’re gonna help everyone in America who can’t afford obesity drugs.
All of us in the sugar business have a big problem. We designed our cereals so that people would always crave more and more. But now obesity drugs are making people less cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Ain’t that right, Sonny?
We’re talking a 60% hit to the business.
These obesity drugs are an attack on all of us. Even you, Cap’n Crunch. The drugs are moving in on our turf. And we’ll all be in trouble soon. Trix Rabbit… Tony le Tigre and Sugar Bear.
We’re only losing all the rich people. We’ll be fine as long as lower-income people keep taking Lizzo.
Lizzo, yeah.
Lizzo, that’s right.
Yep, yep.
Lizzo.
BOSS: We can’t just keep pushing body positivity on people because there’s a new threat… compounding pharmacies.
Hey, what up, guys? It’s your new friends at South Park Compounding Pharmacy. We are now taking orders for our affordable obesity drugs available to everyone. We’re not here to just make money, we’re here to make things fair.
And to make some money.
Our semaglutides are safe and even cheaper than a Little Debbie snack cake.
Motherfucker.
So just “Like and Subscribe” if you want to get on the list and we will get everyone who wants it their semaglutides.
These people think they can just come in and mess with everything we’ve built?
I say we kill every last fucking one of ’em.
♪ ♪
(groans)
(gasps)
Oh, my God! Mom, Mom! Look at me.
Eric! Oh, my goodness.
It worked, Mom. I’m normal.
Kyle, Kenny!
Whoa. Cartman?
It worked, you guys. Check me out.
(muffled): It’s amazing, dude.
Yeah, and guess what, Kyle?
What?
You’re a big dumb Jew and your breath stinks like ass.
What?
Yeah. And, Kenny, you have greasy hair ’cause your family’s too poor to afford shampoo.
Dude, fuck you.
What are you gonna say back? Nothing. Oh, my God, it worked!
Hey, you guys.
Wow, Cartman?
Yeah. You all have zits on your tits. You have big zits but tiny tits.
Oh. Oh, yeah?
What you got? You got nothing!
You want to know what else, Pakistan? You all have stupid haircuts.
(crowd exclaiming)
CARTMAN: Yeah. You’re haircuts are dumb and that’s why your women cover their heads.
Yeah! Yes… (gasps) The-the fuck is this? Hmm. Oh? Oh…?
Yeah, well, it’s official. It’s been one week and Eric’s lost 1.3 pounds.
1.3 pounds? Is that good?
I’d say it’s good.
This is so great, you guys. Last night, I had a dream about all the amazing things I’m gonna do when I’m skinny. Thank you, guys, so much.
We just got another order, fellas. 50 more cases heading out.
50 more? That’s great. How’s it going on the injectors, Kenny?
(muffled): It’s going good, just trying to keep up.
Well, it’s been a week, Cartman. So, are you ready for your second dose? I’m so ready, Kyle. It’s really working. This morning, for breakfast, I couldn’t even finish half a cereal bomb on the toilet.
Okay, tomorrow, maybe let’s go for no cereal bombs on the toilet.
All right, here’s your next dose, Cartman. You know the drill.
I sure do.
(guns click)
Hands up!
This is a holdup.
Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.
Hand over the obesity drugs.
What?
I got ’em, I got ’em!
Get it all. There’s more over here.
No, this is mine.
Give it to me, fatso.
Fuck you, I need that.
Give me the peptide, you little fat fuck!
We got it.
Let’s go.
Let’s get out of here.
Okay, go!
Drive, drive, drive!
(tires screeching)
Come on, give me some of that shit!
I’m telling you, Sheila, these new drugs are pretty amazing. I was feeling so ashamed of myself. Watching Randy go out and exercise all the time and not eating as much. But I just don’t have the same kind of willpower he has.
Which of the drugs are you on, Sharon? Ozempic? Mounjaro?
(chuckles) Oh, no, I talked to my doctor. He said insurance would only pay for those if I had diabetes.
But if you can’t afford them, then how are you managing your weight?
Don’t you know, Sheila? Now there’s a whole new obesity drug for those of us who can’t afford Ozempic and Mounjaro. I’ve controlled all my cravings to be thinner… with Lizzo!
♪ Oh, oh, oh, it’s Lizzo ♪
NARRATOR: FDA-approved Lizzo makes you feel good about your weight. And it costs 90% less than Ozempic.
I’ve lowered my standards and my expectations.
♪ It’s Lizzo ♪
NARRATOR: In case studies, 70% of patients on Lizzo no longer cared how much they weighed.
I don’t give two shits.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, it’s Lizzo. ♪
NARRATOR: Lizzo helps you eat everything you want and keep physical activity to a minimum. Some patients report constipation while listening to Lizzo. Stop listening to Lizzo if you experience suicidal thoughts. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis, hypothermia and literally shitting out your ears.
(screams)
Are you living with concerns of obesity?
Ask about the power of not giving a fuck, with Lizzo.
Oh, hey, Randy. How was the party?
It was, uh… It was not great.
Oh, you didn’t rage?
Oh, we raged. I think there’s something wrong with these drugs. I was there raging again with a bunch of hot women and then suddenly, I was like, I don’t know if I feel like doing this anymore. Like, I felt satisfied. With any drugs, I always want to do more and more and more. But suddenly with these drugs, I feel like I actually want things less. Does that make any sense?
Not at all.
It’s like, you know, with good drugs, they make you just want and lust, but those drugs also make your dick not work. But with these drugs, you don’t really crave anything and your dick totally works.
Look, man, you’re talking crazy. I think maybe you’ve just fallen in with a bad group of people.
Yeah. In a bad group of people, doing a bunch of drugs.
Randy, you’ve got to get away from those MILFs.
(phone rings)
South Park Compounding Pharmacy. Oh, yes, ma’am, we’ll have your obesity drugs to you really soon. We had a bit of a… robbery. Well, we’re not really sure when. Yes, ma’am, we understand how serious it is. No, no, don’t take the Lizzo. We’ll-we’ll have a new supply shortly, okay?
Fellas! You gotta come quick!
What’s wrong?
It’s Eric. He says he’s giving up. H-He bought a bunch of junk food and he’s gonna mix it all together!
Cartman’s making another cereal bomb?
It’s a cereal bomb, but topped with Twinkies and gravy. He said it’s called an Oppenheimer.
Cartman, what are you doing?
The drugs are wearing off, Kyle. I didn’t get my second dose. I just want to make an Oppenheimer and forget the whole thing.
That’s it? You’re just gonna give up?
I don’t want to hope anymore.
Well, you got to hope, Cartman. You hope and you work instead of turning to shit like that!
It’s all just making it worse, Kyle. Don’t you get it? Knowing there’s a cure. Knowing I can have willpower injected into my body. It’s all just made me dream about what my future can be like. But I realize now that those dreams are never gonna come true.
Cartman, your dreams are going to come true.
No, they won’t.
Yes, they will. You’ll do everything you dreamed about, you just have to fight for those dreams.
I don’t have the willpower that you do.
Just come back to the pharmacy with us. We’re not gonna quit.
But all our shit got stolen. My obesity drugs are with some women who don’t even need them.
So, are we gonna let them win? People can be as unfair as they want. But as long as there’s a factory in India, I will never stop making obesity drugs for the needy.
(machinery whirring)
♪ ♪
This is the place.
Little Debbie!
You think you can sell your drugs on our fuckin’ turf? Only one drug is king in America. And that drug is sugar.
One of the largest manufacturers of semaglutide was attacked today by body positivity activists. Our own Bill Norman has more.
Tom, the advocates for body positivity broke into this obesity medicine facility and opened fire on everyone inside.
The terrorists claimed that obesity is not a disease and that every body is beautiful as they then burned the factory to the ground.
The identity of the attackers is still unknown, but one member of the militant group sent this anonymous message.
(distorted): Now instead of obesity drugs, people will have to rely on good things, like self-esteem and body positivity. They’re grrreat!
Does this mean I’m not gonna get my next dose? I’m just gonna stay fat?
What the hell is wrong with people?
Am I just gonna stay fucking fat, Kyle?
No, we’re gonna do something else.
But the body positivity people are just gonna destroy all the drugs and I’m gonna be fat.
You are not gonna be fat, Cartman.
I’m gonna be fat. Yes, I am.
Listen to me.
I’m gonna be fat forever!
You’re not gonna be fat!
You can’t do anything. They have all the power.
We’ll get the drugs somewhere else.
They want to keep me this way.
We just have to keep working harder.
I’m gonna be fat as fuck, Kyle!
We’re gonna fuckin’ figure it out!
Ugh. Ooh.
Cartman?
I just got to get my next dose soon, you guys. Something’s going on down there.
(farting)
(farting continues)
(farting loudly)
It’s okay, you’re just experiencing some side effects from your medication.
Oh. Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s all right, Mrs. Marsh. We’ve been seeing a lot of this lately with people taking Lizzo. Now, are you mostly defecating out your anus or out your ears?
M-My ears.
Yup, all right, let’s take a look. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. Well, that confirms it, Mrs. Marsh. I’m afraid with all the Lizzo you’ve been takin’, you’ve given yourself “diabeartes.”
What? I have diabetes?
Diab-ear-tes. It’s a mild form of diabetes that occurs mostly in the ears. It’s something you’ll have to manage for the rest of your life. But that’s really good news.
H-How the hell is that good news?
Because! Now I can write you a prescription for Ozempic! With your condition, you’re finally eligible for semaglutides.
I-I can get on Ozempic now?
Yes, ma’am.
Congratulations on your diabeartes, Mrs. Marsh. We’ll see you back here looking skinny in a few weeks.
All right, next. Come on in, Mrs. Munoz. Experiencing some side effects with your Lizzo?
Yes.
(farts)
(moans)
Come on, dude. You don’t want to do this.
CARTMAN: Yes, I do.
Eric, there’s so much to live for.
What’s he doing?
Cartman’s in there with a cereal bomb that he says is ten times more destructive than an Oppenheimer.
He says it’s called a Stormy Daniels.
Cartman! Cartman, stop! I have a solution!
CARTMAN: Forget it. I’m going down with a Stormy Daniels.
No, Cartman, stop eating! I found more semaglutide. It’s gonna be here within the hour.
(lock clicking)
Go easy, Cartman.
What do you mean it’s gonna be here within the hour?
I found another supplier in North Carolina. They make raw semaglutides for all the other drugs. They let me order a whole truck of raw powder wholesale.
The app says the truck is already almost here. See? As soon as it gets here, we can make you another dose, and you’ll have your willpower back. You just gotta hang on a little bit longer.
Fine. I won’t eat it just yet. Kenny, put this in the refrigerator so the skin doesn’t get soggy.
KENNY: Ew, gross. Okay, let’s be totally ready when the truck gets here. Stan, get the biostatic water ready. Butters, prepare another syringe. The delivery is gonna be here in the next 40 minutes.
♪ Now I can’t help myself at all ♪
♪ And I get whiskey bent and hell bound ♪
(truck downshifts)
♪ Play me some songs about a ramblin’ man. ♪
(air brakes hiss)
Got some construction going on.
Seems kind of inappropriate to wear a midriff shirt while working, don’t it?
Take your foot off the pedal! How much semaglutide you got in the back?!
Hey!
Get him, girls!
(screams) No!
(blows landing)
Stop. Stop! Fuck this!
What the hell are you doing?
You’re bad people! I’m getting the fuck away from you!
Hey!
(screams)
He’s taking the drugs!
Get that motherfucker!
(tires squealing)
Shit!
Oh, goddamn it.
What’s wrong?
The truck was almost here but now it’s going the wrong way again. What the fuck is this guy doing?
(tires screech)
KYLE: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Now it’s doing that thing where it just keeps spinning around in circles. Oh, I hate that. Come on, we got to go track this asshole down.
(shouts)
(tires screech)
Whoa!
Oh!
What the fuck? The truck went west by Target. And then went east again. I think it’s over this way now. I don’t get it. It says the truck is right here.
Uh, there it is.
(Randy shouting)
Oh, shit!
(brakes squeal)
(tires screech)
Dad, what are you doing?
Uh, oh, uh… I’m in deep, Stan. Daddy’s a drug addict. I should have never worn this midriff shirt to school. Certain things just aren’t appropriate to wear.
Oh-oh, look, fellas!
Give us the drugs!
Aw, not them again.
Get in the truck!
Whoa, whoa, wait!
(shouts) Fellas, help!
You guys, look.
Is that the cops?
What is that?
Destroy that shipment!
Dude, it’s Cocoa Puffs bird.
(gunfire)
And-and Cap’n Crunch. I think that’s Cap’n Crunch.
You ain’t taking this shit to your compounding pharmacy!
What’s a compounding pharmacy?
Aah!
Whoa!
Those are our drugs, fuckos!
(horn blaring)
(screams)
Aah!
Tony the Tiger killed Kenny!
Stan, take Daddy’s gun and shoot those MILFs!
No, Dad, I’m not shooting anyone’s mom.
I’ll fucking shoot them.
♪ Dat-doobie-doobie-dat, Golden Crisp. ♪
Butters, what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Butters, you give Mommy those obesity drugs right now!
But I thought you didn’t use obesity drugs, Mom. I thought you were doing Pilates and stuff.
♪ ♪
(shouting)
(screaming)
(tires screeching)
(shouting)
Ooh!
(screams)
Fuck you!
Koo-koo! Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
♪ ♪
STAN: The fuck are you doing?
I can reach it.
Cartman, get your fat ass back in the truck.
No, I can get them. I can get the obesity drugs. I can have my hunger suppressed for another week.
(all screaming)
No!
Dad, look out!
Whoa!
(screaming)
(tires screeching)
(air brakes hiss)
Get the drugs in the garage! We’ll make Cartman’s shot first.
Kyle, what the hell is going on?
We’ve got a full order of semaglutides to be given to the needy.
They’re all trying to take it, but everything in here belongs to us.
(printer whirring)
Hello.
Where’s our drugs?
Yeah, the, uh, pharmaceutical company you ordered from was insured with us.
What do you mean? We-we don’t get them?
You’ll-you’ll be able to get them. See, we just work in tandem with the suppliers, so all you’ll have to do is navigate…
BOTH: the American health care system.
(crickets chirping)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, stop! Sharon, you don’t want to mess with that stuff.
Randy, why are you wearing one of Shelley’s shirts?
It’s time for me to tell you the truth. I told you that I’ve been going out on hikes and doing Pilates. But it’s not true. I’ve just been… doing that shit.
You have? Why didn’t you just admit it when I asked you?
Well, ’cause I thought you’d be pissed. I had no idea you’d… want to do ’em, too.
But how have you been getting them? They’re so hard to get.
A, uh, a group of women were sharing theirs with me. I’d go to their houses and, uh… do it with them.
Oh, and what do you think? Are you seeing any improvements?
Wha…? Wait. You’re-you’re not pissed?
No, I’m not pissed, Randy. Everyone wants to do this stuff. How can you say no to it?
You are so much cooler than any other woman out there, you know that? And I do not want you to change one bit.
You don’t? Really?
The truth is, Sharon, I think these are bad drugs. They just made me crave everything less and yet my dick still worked. Hey, let’s say just you and me go to the Holiday Inn tonight and do some molly.
What? Like we did back in college?
Yeah, sweetheart. Let’s go do some good drugs.
(Randy and Sharon laughing, clamoring)
RANDY: Hey, oh, hey, Sharon, look, my dick doesn’t work!
SHARON: Oh, wow.
Yeah! Ha-ha, this is great!
(indistinct chatter)
Well, I guess that’s it for our compounding pharmacy.
Yeah, I’m just kind of glad it’s all over with.
I was wrong. I used to think fat people just needed more willpower. But now I see what it’s like to have willpower not be enough. We got sugar companies, pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies all just trying to figure out how to make money off of our fucking health. How can anyone have willpower when all these forces are manipulating us every day? It’s impossible. And I’ve learned one very important thing. It isn’t fair to put the blame on anyone for their weight.
Yeah.
ALL: Yeah.
What do you say, guys? Let’s all agree as a school… no, as a society… that we won’t make fun of obesity anymore.
(cheering and applause)
Wait, what did you say?
I said we’re not going to be critical of anyone for their weight ever again.
(“Free Ride” by Edgar Winter playing)
Are you serious? But, you guys, that’s all I’ve been wishing for this whole time. It all worked out, you guys. Kyle, guess what?
What?
You’re a fucking dipshit ginger. You’ve got fucking freckles and your religion is a goddamn lie.
Shut up, Cartman.
You… you…
Oh, my God, yes! Fucking yes! Wendy, you’ve got little tiny saggy tits and your breath stinks.
What?
That’s it! That’s it, you can’t say anything, and you…
♪ Come on and take a free ride… ♪
Hey, Mr. Rollins, you dress like a bitch. Hello, ma’am, you’ve got a big nose. Hey, do I know you? Fuck you. Nice hair, cheesedick. Ha-ha, you’re in a wheelchair. Hey, ugly, I’m checking in, please.
You’re flying to Pakistan all by yourself, young man?
That’s right. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
Yes!
♪ Free ride ♪
♪ Come on and sit here by my side ♪
♪ Come on and take a free ride. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
