Search

Saltburn (2023) | Transcript

A student at Oxford University finds himself drawn into the world of a charming and aristocratic classmate, who invites him to his eccentric family's sprawling estate for a summer never to be forgotten.
Saltburn (2023)

Saltburn is a 2023 black comedy film that has been captivating audiences with its blend of witty dialogue, stunning visuals, and a deliciously twisted plot.

Genre: Black comedy, Thriller
Release Date: November 16, 2023 (Australia), November 17, 2023 (UK), November 22, 2023 (US)
Running Time: 2 hours 7 minutes
Director: Emerald Fennell (Promising Young Woman)
Writers: Emerald Fennell, Krysty Wilson-Cairns
Cast:
Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) as Katherine Catton
Carey Mulligan (Promising Young Woman) as Grace Catton
Barry Keoghan (The Batman) as Oliver Quick
Jacob Elordi (Euphoria) as Gideon Catton
Richard E. Grant (Withnail and I) as Richard Catton
Alison Oliver (Pride & Prejudice) as Mrs. Quick
Distributor: Amazon Studios, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Plot: Oliver Quick, a working-class student at Oxford, finds himself drawn into the opulent world of his classmate Felix Catton. Felix invites Oliver to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate, Saltburn, where he encounters the Catton family: a collection of eccentric, glamorous, and deeply dysfunctional individuals. As Oliver becomes entangled in their lives, he uncovers dark secrets, hidden desires, and a web of intrigue that threatens to unravel everything he thought he knew.

Themes: Saltburn explores themes of class, privilege, family dynamics, and the seductive nature of desire. The film delves into the dark underbelly of wealth and privilege, exposing the moral ambiguity and hidden tensions that lurk beneath the surface of a seemingly perfect family. Fennell’s sharp wit and satirical humor inject these dark themes with a layer of dark humor, making the film both unsettling and undeniably entertaining.

Critical Reception: Saltburn has received generally positive reviews from critics, who praise its performances, direction, and visual style. While some criticize its melodramatic plot twists, most agree that the film is a stylish and captivating blend of comedy and thriller.

Here are some additional details and interesting facts about the film:
Saltburn is Fennell’s second feature film after her acclaimed directorial debut, Promising Young Woman.
The film was shot on location at the historic Castle Howard in Yorkshire, England.
The soundtrack features original music by composer Rob Harvey.

Overall, Saltburn is a film that is not for the faint of heart. It is a dark, twisted, and often hilarious ride that will leave you guessing until the very end. If you’re looking for a film that is both stylish and thought-provoking, then Saltburn is definitely worth checking out.

* * *

(ZADOK THE PRIEST ANTHEM PLAYING)

(CIGARETTE LIGHTER LID CLOSES)

I wasn’t in love with him.

I know everyone thought I was.

But I wasn’t.

I loved him, of course.

It was impossible not to love Felix.

And that was part of the problem. (CHUCKLES)

Everyone loved him.

Everyone wanted to be around him.

It exhausted him.

People just wouldn’t leave him alone.

Especially the girls.

Christ, the girls!

It was embarrassing, really, how everyone fawned over him.

I think, honestly, that’s why he liked me so much.

I protected him.

I was honest with him.

I understood him.

I loved him.

I loved him.

But was I “in love” with him?

(MUFFLED ROAR)

(ZADOK THE PRIEST ANTHEM CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ Zadok the priest ♪

♪ And Nathan ♪

♪ The prophet ♪

♪ Anointed ♪

♪ Solomon King ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You’re really, really frustrating me.

It’s infuriating.

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ And all the people rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ And all the people rejoiced ♪

♪ Rejoiced ♪

MALE STUDENT: I got it in India this year.

♪ Rejoiced ♪

♪ God save the King ♪

♪ Long live the King ♪

♪ God save the King ♪

♪ Amen, amen Hallelujah, hallelujah, amen ♪

♪ Amen, amen ♪

♪ Amen, hallelujah, amen ♪

Oh, he’s got the scarf.

(GIRL CHUCKLES)

Hey, cool jacket.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

And the tie.

♪ God save the King ♪

(SIGHS)

(CHEERFUL INDISTINCT CHATTERING, LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BOY: Is that seat taken?

Sorry, (CLEARS THROAT) can I…

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I’m Michael Gavey.

Oliver.

Oliver what?

Oliver Quick.

So you’re a Norman no-mates too, then, Oliver Quick?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Isn’t everyone?

It’s only the first night.

Look around you.

It’s just me and you, mate.

And the girl who’s got agoraphobia, but she’s in her room. Obviously.

What are you reading?

Er…

I’m reading Maths.

I’m a genius.

I don’t even like Maths, really.

I can just do it. In my head.

Anything. Ask me a sum.

No, you’re okay.

Oh, come on.

It’s… It’s not like I don’t believe you.

Please. Come on.

No, I believe…

(SHOUTING) Fucking ask me a sum, then!

(CHATTERING STOPS)

Er…

423 times 78.

32,994.

(CHATTERING RESUMES)

PROFESSOR: So, how are you finding Oxford?

Good.

Yeah, good.

Hmm.

Thanks.

Did you come from far from home?

Prescot.

Yeah, where?

Er, Prescot.

Merseyside.

Ah.

Never been.

(EXHALES) Never been.

Prescot.

So, how did you get on with the summer reading list?

Er, yeah. Okay, I think.

I read it all.

What, all of it?

Mmm-hmm.

Fifty books on there. Are you mad?

I thought we’re supposed to.

King James Bible is on there.

(CHUCKLES) Telling me you spent your whole summer reading the Bible?

The reading list is optional.

I’ve not read half the books on there.

Sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Any idea where he’s got to? He’s 20 minutes late now.

Right, well, I suppose we’d better make a start, then.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR OPENS)

I’m so sorry. Sorry I’m late. Sorry I’m late.

I’m so sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Got completely lost.

Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m sorry.

You’re Farleigh Start, I take it?

Nice of you to join us, finally.

You’re not a (CLEARS THROAT) relation of, er, Frederica Start, by any chance?

Er, she’s my mother.

No!

I knew her when I was your age.

When we were both here.

When she was Frederica Catton. Before she went to America.

No way!

Oh, my God. I’ll tell her.

She’s gonna be thrilled that I’m being tutored by one of her friends. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, not, er, friend.

More, er… admirer.

Yeah, from afar.

Not sure we ever spoke.

No, don’t even mention me.

(CHUCKLES)

Shall we start?

OLIVER: “G.K. Chesterton would have it.

“This outrageous gallop of lines.

“And thus,

“the shape of the verse…

(SIGHS)

“…can be said like Browning’s Last Duchess to look as if it ‘were alive’.”

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. Yeah.

Very good. Erm…

Yeah, a lot of food for thought there. Intriguing.

And thus…

(FARLEIGH CHUCKLES)

OLIVER: Hmm?

Sorry. Er, just “thus”.

It’s just a funny word.

Why?

FARLEIGH: I don’t know.

I don’t think we really use it in real life, do we?

It’s just, kind of, verbose, don’t you think?

No. Not really.

No.

No, you don’t. You used it seven times.

No, I didn’t.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, you did.

I counted.

(PROFESSOR LAUGHS)

He’s got you there, I’m afraid, Oliver.

So, you’re picking apart the style of my essay instead of the substance?

That’s kind of…

Kind of what?

Lazy?

FARLEIGH: It’s completely valid to debate the rhetoric of an argument.

It’s not what you argue but how.

PROFESSOR: Great point. OLIVER: Yeah.

Especially if you haven’t actually read the poems.

Look forward to hearing your essay.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

MICHAEL: (SOFTLY) Oliver.

Oliver?

I got you a Crunchie.

Oh, thanks.

Did you know

there was a college Christmas party tonight?

NFI, me and you.

Not fucking invited.

I’m sure anyone can go.

Oh, no.

It’s invitation only, apparently.

You get an invite in your pigeon hole?

Haven’t checked.

I have. You didn’t.

Fucking losers.

Like we wanted to go, anyway.

Yeah.

As if we actually want to talk to those vapid cunts.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Nah, we can make our own fun, can’t we?

Yeah.

Are you gonna eat that?

No, you can have it.

♪ One, two Santa Claus is coming ♪

♪ Three, four Filling up my stocking ♪

(FELIX AND FARLEIGH LAUGHING)

♪ Five, six Everybody’s popping ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody, come together ♪

♪ It’s a hot, hot Christmas night ♪

♪ Make the magic last forever ♪

♪ Have a cheeky Christmas time ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

OLIVER: You all right?

Erm, yeah, I’ve got a flat tyre.

Oh. That’s bad luck.

Yeah.

I’ve just been trying to fix it.

Yeah, of course, it’s when I’m already ten minutes late for my tutorial.

Fuck!

OLIVER: Where is it?

Er, it’s Iffley Road.

Shit.

Yeah.

I’m already in it for skiving last week, so…

(SIGHS)

(FELIX SIGHS)

Look, I’m not really going anywhere.

Just taking these back to the library.

Take my bike.

No, no, no, I couldn’t. I mean, it looks like rain.

I wouldn’t want to…

Honestly, it’s no big deal.

I mean, I’ll just get it from you later.

You’re in my college, so…

Am I?

Yep.

Fuck, that’s kind. Are you serious?

Mate, that is so kind. Thank you.

Are you sure?

I mean, it’s a bit of a faff wheeling it back to college.

You want me to take yours back?

Oh, no, no, no. I… I’m sorry, I just thought…

I mean, I can wheel it back to college.

It’s not that far.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.

I’m… I’m Felix.

Oliver.

Oliver. Oliver.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Oliver, I love you.

I love… (KISSES)

Yeah…

I love you. (KISSES)

I love you. I love you. Seriously.

Okay.

Thank you so much, mate.

So kind. You’re a fucking life-saver, really. Thank you.

All right, I’ll just leave yours in the bike shed, yeah?

Yeah. Fine.

All right, cheers, Ollie!

(BELL TOLLING)

Jameson spends the whole time staring at her tits, completely ignoring the fact she can barely do her times tables.

Times tables, Oliver!

Just fuck off and do history of art, love.

Hmm.

Oliver. Oliver?

Yeah.

Not exactly dazzling company.

Sorry.

(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Ooh! Sweet baby Jesus!

I’m going for a slash.

Get me another pint, please, Oliver?

Yeah.

Thanks.

A pint, mate.

BARMAN: Yeah.

Oh! There he is. Ollie! Oliver!

Oliver! Come here, mate!

Yeah, come here.

Come here. What? Come here.

Unreal.

Hiya, mate.

Hi.

This is my fucking hero right here.

I was just telling everyone

how you saved my arse yesterday.

GIRL 1: So cute. GIRL 2: So cute.

FELIX: Hey, take a seat. I owe you a drink.

Here, shove up, yeah.

Oh, sorry. Are you with a friend?

Er, no, they just left.

So, erm, what college are you in, mate?

Yours.

BOY: Oh, right.

And, er, what are you studying?

ALL: (CHANTING) Shots. Shots. Shots.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING QUICKENING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

FARLEIGH: Wait, wait, wait, Jägerbombs.

Jägerbombs! (LAUGHS)

I…

It’s your round, man.

BOY: Yeah, go on, mate.

I should go to bed.

FARLEIGH: Wait, no, no, no.

No, you can’t snake your way out of a round.

I’m… I’m not.

It looks like you are.

(ALL BOOING)

BOY: Come on.

(BOOING CONTINUES)

Okay! Okay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Farleigh.

FARLEIGH: What?

Just cut him a break, mate.

What?

FELIX: That round’s gonna cost a fucking fortune.

Pub rules, Felix.

OLIVER: It’s my round. I can’t.

I can’t. I can’t go back and ask them for money.

BARMAN: Not my problem.

OLIVER: I’m asking…

Could I just pay you tomorrow?

I’m sorry, mate. You’re not even close.

Oh, please, I’ll bring you the money tomorrow.

No.

Please? I’m…

BARMAN: Fuck’s sake.

Thought you might need a hand with these ones, mate.

Oh, and you, er, you dropped this on the floor by your feet.

I was gonna nick it, but I thought I’d do the right thing.

Thank you.

I’ll, erm, pay it back tomorrow.

Don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.

(LOUDLY) Thank you, Ollie! Whoa!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you, Ollie. Oh, my God.

BOY 2: Cheers, man.

ALL: (CHANTING) Ollie! Ollie! Ollie!

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

FELIX: Yeah, well, you know,

Farleigh basically grew up with us.

OLIVER: I didn’t know you and Farleigh were cousins.

Mmm. My aunt, Farleigh’s mum…

Mmm-hmm.

…ran away to America when she was 19 to escape the cold-hearted English.

Ciggie?

Er, don’t smoke.

FELIX: Dear Auntie Fred married a lunatic who pissed everything she had up the wall and a fair chunk of Dad’s money too, until he had to finally cut her off.

Sounds like an Evelyn Waugh novel.

You know, a lot of Waugh’s characters are based on my family, actually.

Yeah, he was completely obsessed with our house.

Well, Dad, you know, he felt so guilty about the whole thing that he decided he would pay for all of Farleigh’s education.

(SCOFFS) Lucky Farleigh.

Oh, fat lot of good it’s done him.

He’s been expelled from almost every school in England for sucking off the teachers.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

FELIX: How about you?

OLIVER: Er…

I’ve not sucked any teachers off.

Not yet, you haven’t.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

It’s DJ Fucking Shadow.

OLIVER: He’s fucking chronic, mate.

All these boarding school psychos.

What do they teach you?

Um, Latin.

Water polo.

And child abuse.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

OLIVER: Ah, that’s cute.

Baby Felix.

There aren’t any pictures of me as a kid.

Well, I mean, there’s not much really to say.

Oh, come on. What, are you in fucking witness protection or something?

Jesus Christ, mate.

Well, do you have any siblings?

What are your parents like?

Siblings, no.

And, er, my parents, I…

What?

…don’t see them that much.

Why?

Just, er…

they’ve…

They’ve got problems.

What? What kind of…

What do you mean, problems?

Mental health.

And addiction and stuff.

Dad was, kind of, dealing and stuff.

Dealing?

Sounds awful, really.

Yeah.

Was it, was it…

Was it awful?

Look, it’s…

…it’s all tough.

Yeah.

Fuck ’em.

You’re a fucking inspiration, mate.

Seriously.

OLIVER: Thank you.

FELIX: Very cool.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING, LAUGHTER)

Now, can you eenie, meenie India or Annabel, and take one fucking home? Because they look miserable.

Eenie, meenie, miny, moe.

Catch a tiger by his toe.

If he squeals, let him go.

Er…

You’re out, boy scout.

(KISSES, CHUCKLES)

(FELIX CLEARS THROAT)

Well, what the fuck, mate?

I’ve been chirpsing her for about an hour.

I wanted at least a handjob.

I know. We all want a fucking handjob, mate.

Get yourself a title and a massive fuck off castle.

MICHAEL: Oliver Quick.

You look different.

Do I?

He’ll get bored of you.

Excuse me?

MICHAEL: Bootlicker.

FELIX: Can Oliver come?

ANNABEL: Maybe.

FELIX: What?

ANNABEL: I don’t know. He’s just a bit awkward.

He’s got zero chat.

Like, who would I even sit him next to?

FELIX: I don’t know. One of your hot friends?

(ANNABEL CHUCKLES)

I’m… I’m sorry, Felix, but no one wants to sit next to fucking Oliver.

Why not?

ANNABEL: ‘Cause he’s a scholarship boy who buys his clothes from Oxfam.

FELIX: Harsh. That’s so harsh.

You’re such a snob.

ANNABEL: Sorry.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

(KISSING)

(ANNABEL MOANS SOFTLY)

(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)

So fucking hot.

(MUSIC FADES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

I know.

(SNIFFS)

What’s that smell?

Erm… I don’t know.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

No.

No, no, no.

What? What are you on about?

It’s disgusting, Felix.

Right, I’m cleaning up.

It’s fine.

Only rich people can afford to be this filthy.

Fuck off.

I mean, you’ve got fucking pizza on the floor.

Mate, stop it. I’ll do it later. It’s fine.

No, you won’t, mate. No, you fucking won’t.

You’ll never do it.

Yes, I will.

No, you won’t.

Ollie, yes, I will.

I said I’d do it later.

No, you won’t.

Ollie, fucking stop! I’m not a fucking child!

I can do it myself!

I’m just… I’m just… I’m just hot. It’s fucking boiling in these rooms.

They’d rather we all die of heatstroke than ruin the fucking wood fucking panelling by putting in air conditioning.

Stressing about the exams?

(CHUCKLES) I’m not stressed about the exams, Ol.

(CHUCKLES) You’re driving me fucking…

I’ve got some revising to do. I think I might, er…

I might catch you later, yeah?

King’s Arms later?

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Erm…

(CLEARS THROAT) I’ll text you, yeah?

Okay.

Of course.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(SIGHS)

(THIS MODERN LOVE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

♪ Jump left ♪

♪ What are you holding out for? ♪

♪ What’s always in the way? ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

♪ Why so damn absent-minded? ♪

♪ Why so scared of romance? ♪

♪ This modern love ♪

♪ Breaks me ♪

♪ This modern love ♪

♪ Wastes me ♪

♪ This modern love ♪

♪ Wastes me ♪

Hey.

OLIVER: Oh, hey.

I was just seeing if Felix was in.

We were supposed to meet.

Er…

Yeah, they’re all at the pub.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

He didn’t say.

Was India there?

Yeah.

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, God, no.

Whatever.

(SIGHS)

Do you have any alcohol?

Would you like me to have alcohol?

(SIGHS)

(THIS MODERN LOVE CONTINUES PLAYING)

(KISSING)

(CHUCKLES) Do you think he’ll be jealous?

Honestly?

I don’t think it will even fucking register. (CHUCKLES)

(OLIVER MOANS SOFTLY)

(MUSIC FADES)

(DOOR OPENS)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(MOBILE RINGING, BUZZING)

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(LINE CONNECTS)

(GRUNTS)

Hi, Mum.

(PEN SCRATCHING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(OLIVER BREATHING HEAVILY)

Ollie, what’s happened?

(SNIFFLES)

Hey, come here.

(SOBBING SOFTLY)

How did it happen?

Cracked his head on the pavement.

Probably drunk, knowing Dad.

(SOFTLY) Fucking hell.

Or off his fucking tits.

Jeez, I’m…

I’m so sorry, Ollie, that’s…

It’s just a shock.

Is your mum all right?

She was completely incoherent… which is pretty normal for her.

They’re gonna have to let you skip exams.

You’re in no state to do them now.

I mean, you’ve gotta go home.

No.

I can’t miss the exams.

Of course you can miss the fucking exams.

No, I can’t.

No.

I’m not like you, Felix.

This is all I have.

(BELLS TOLLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Hey, Oliver.

Hey.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, nice tux.

Thank you.

Wow. It’s a rental, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, the sleeves are too long.

Always check the sleeves.

(CHUCKLES)

But still, not bad.

I mean, you’re almost passing.

For what?

I don’t know.

A real human boy.

FARLEIGH: Hey.

FELIX: Ollie!

Hiya, mate.

Hey.

Come on, then. Follow me.

OLIVER: Wait, wait, wait.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

Where are we going?

(FELIX CHUCKLES)

OLIVER: We’re gonna miss the ball, Felix.

What’s going on, Felix?

FELIX: Well, I was thinking about how I…

You… You’ve had such a shit time lately and you’ve been so brave about everything, I…

Oh, Felix, come on.

(SHUSHES)

So in my family, we have this tradition, right?

When somebody dies, we write their name on a, er, on a stone, and we chuck it in the river.

My great-grandfather started it when his son died in the war.

I’ve only done it for my dog so far, but…

You know, I don’t know, I just…

It helped, a bit.

This feels a bit fucking stupid now.

No. It’s not stupid.

Thank you.

It’s something, right?

So what do I do?

I don’t know really.

Erm, er, I guess you could say a few words, or…

I mean, we could just stand here in silence for a bit.

And then you just… just chuck it in.

(OLIVER SIGHS)

(STONE CLATTERS)

Well, that can’t be good.

Oh.

Fuck.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY)

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

FELIX: Do you think you’ll go home?

OLIVER: Honestly?

I don’t think I’ll ever go home again.

FELIX: But what about your mum?

OLIVER: You know the first time I felt the inside of my mum’s throat?

I was eight.

My dad told me I had to stick my fingers in to make her sick, otherwise… she’d die in her sleep.

So “home” doesn’t mean the same for me as it does for you, Felix.

The fucking filth of the place, the mess, I can’t do it.

Just can’t.

Well, why don’t you come home with me?

Come to Saltburn.

No.

Yeah.

It’s too much of an imposition.

Oh, fuck off, it is! You’ll save my sanity.

(CHUCKLES) Seriously.

Oh, it’d feel weird.

It won’t feel weird. I mean, Mum has people come and stay for months at a time.

And you know what? If you get sick of us, you can leave.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

I promise.

OLIVER: And I believed him.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Saltburn.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(DOORS CREAKING)

Mr Quick.

You’re early.

Er, I got the earlier train.

Well, do let us know next time.

You see, the gates were not open.

That’s… That’s okay.

We’d sent someone to pick you up.

Ah.

Sorry.

Not at all.

Follow me.

(DOORS CREAKING)

OLIVER: Wow.

This is amazing.

Wow. Wow.

Just wow.

Hmm.

Just leave your bag there.

Someone will get it for you.

FELIX: Ollie! Thank God you’re here.

Duncan, I’ll show him to his room. Don’t worry.

Oliver, try not to be too terrified of Duncan.

Duncan, stop being so frightening in front of my friends.

Well, I’ll try. Felix.

FELIX: Come on, mate.

Come on.

He is terrifying.

Oh, he’s all right. He’s just odd.

Okay!

So…

Er, red staircase.

I accidentally fingered my cousin here.

Henry VII’s cabinet.

Ghost of Granny.

Hi, Granny.

Green room. Gardens.

Some fucking hideous Rubens.

Broken piano.

Er, blue room.

It’s blue.

And King’s bedroom.

Actually, the bed still has some of Henry VIII’s spunk on it.

This is the long gallery.

Er, dead reli. Dead relies.

Daddy’s old teddy.

Shakespeare’s folio.

And maze.

So, yeah, we’re just through here.

Okay.

Er, my room.

You’ll be staying just next door.

Bathroom.

Ooh, by the way, we’re gonna be sharing a bathroom.

I hope you don’t mind.

Otherwise you’d be miles away on the other end of the house.

(TUTTING)

Dressing room.

And… your room!

Wow.

I’m glad you’re here, mate.

Right, I will, er… I will leave you to it.

Er, just one thing.

Mum has a phobia of, er, beards and stubble, so I left a razor for you in the bathroom.

What?

Yeah. I don’t know.

She thinks it’s unhygienic.

Er, something to do with her father.

It’s bonkers. I mean…

I’m not even allowed to wear my fucking stud when I’m here.

Anything else I should know about?

No. No, just be yourself.

They’ll love you. It’s relaxed, I promise.

We’ll be in the library.

Library?

(CLACKING)

(CLACKING STOPS)

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

McLovin’s never existed ’cause that’s a made-up dumb fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

WOMAN 1: But they might have, sort of, meetings, I suppose.

Well, I mean, they probably don’t have rehab in Liverpool.

WOMAN 1: No, gosh, no. No, I can’t imagine they do.

No, see, everybody just goes to ruin, I suppose.

Where is Liverpool?

WOMAN 2: I think it’s on the sea, isn’t it?

Darling, where’s Liverpool?

Er, north.

North.

WOMAN 2: Yes.

FARLEIGH: It’s called Prescot.

WOMAN 2: Oh, it’ll be some awful slum.

WOMAN 1: Mmm. A sort of hellish squat.

And both his parents were dealing.

God, and his mother’s a drunk.

I mean, babies can be really affected.

Traumatised.

Oh, they come out drunk.

Is that right, that he had to put his fingers down his mother’s throat to make her sick?

FELIX: Farleigh, that’s private stuff.

FARLEIGH: Well, you told us.

FELIX: In confidence.

WOMAN 2: It’s awful, darling.

Can you imagine doing that to me?

WOMAN 1: I think that’s actually rather normal when you’re poor.

I think, when you’re poor, that sort of thing does happen a little bit more.

(CHUCKLES)

WOMAN 2: We should give him the most wonderful time.

FARLEIGH: Good luck, he doesn’t smile much.

WOMAN 2: Farleigh seems to think he’s ghastly.

Why are you friends with him, darling?

WOMAN 1: Dirt poor, not attractive and his parents are drug addicts.

I can’t actually…

And here he is now!

We were just talking about you.

Don’t be silly.

Farleigh, you just make up the most awful things.

Of course we weren’t.

Hello, Oliver, darling.

Oh, what beautiful eyes.

Oh, how wonderful!

Yeah, I told you he wasn’t a minger.

Oh, but, darling, you’re kind about everyone.

You can’t be trusted.

Oliver, I have a complete and utter horror of ugliness.

Ever since I was very young. I don’t know why.

Maybe because you’re a terrible person?

Don’t be mean.

(FELIX CHUCKLES)

Has Venetia seen you yet?

Oh, my God, she’ll die.

She’s been draping herself all around the house all day hoping you’ll come across her.

(CHUCKLES) As it were.

Do stop.

The poor boy’s only just arrived.

Oliver, how good to finally meet you.

Trip all right?

Yes, thank you, sir.

Oh, God, don’t with the “sirs”.

No, no, no, we can’t stand anything like that here.

Go on, come and sit by me.

This is my dear friend, Pamela, who’s been staying with us.

PAMELA: Hey.

Pamela, darling, will you go and find Annie and ask about tea?

Yeah.

Yeah. Who, which… Which one’s that?

You’ll find her, darling. Annie.

PAMELA: Where’s, erm…

You’ll work it out, darling.

Okay, I’m going to work it out.

MAN: Kitchen. PAMELA: Ah, the kitchen.

Kitchen. So, Annie in the kitchen.

Annie in the kitchen.

WOMAN 2: Off you pop.

Okay.

Poor Dear Pamela. She’s been staying with us while she gets back on her feet.

She’s had an awful time this year. Hideous.

But, oh, Oliver, so have you.

God, I was so sorry to hear about your father.

How utterly, utterly tragic.

I’ve lost so many friends to addiction.

So, so many dear, dear friends.

It’s the root of Poor Pamela’s horrors too, I’m afraid.

And the only interesting thing about her.

Farleigh!

No, she is rather dull, actually.

But she’s so beautiful.

You have to admit, she’s very beautiful.

But it’s only ever really been a curse.

I mean, the men. Oliver, you wouldn’t believe it.

The latest one is some ghastly Russian billionaire.

Malignantly ugly, of course.

And she’s been holed up here for months hiding from him.

Anyway, let’s not talk about that.

Darling, tell me about your mother.

How is she bearing up?

Still drinking?

Stop!

Ignore him.

It’s rude.

WOMAN 2: Nothing shocks me, Oliver.

Absolutely nothing.

Tell me everything.

OLIVER: (SOFTLY) Fucking hell.

(DOOR OPENS)

FELIX: God, Ollie, I’m sorry Mum asked so many rude questions.

Don’t take it personally.

Someone unpacked my suitcase?

FELIX: Er… Shit, yes. I should have told you.

They do that here.

The maids all report back to Mum, by the way, so I hope you didn’t pack anything scandalous.

Just my old boxers.

(SOFTLY) God.

Oh, no, they’re used to that.

Don’t worry.

Duncan will be thrilled.

(OLIVER CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, erm… (CLEARS THROAT) I hope you don’t mind.

I had them hang up an old school dinner jacket.

We, er… We dress for dinner here, so I didn’t want you to be caught short.

Dress for dinner?

Yeah, it’s, like… It’s, like, black tie.

I could’ve brought one.

Oh, no, don’t be silly.

I mean, I have a spare. It’d be a waste.

Do you have cufflinks, though?

No.

That’s all right. We’ll get it sorted. I’ll… I’ll get you some. (CLICKS TONGUE)

I’m really happy you’re here, Ol.

I’m sorry that everything is so… old-fashioned. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

No, it’s wonderful.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We met in rehab, so…

He was just so lovely at first, and then all of his business partners started, sort of, falling out of windows.

(SOFTLY) You know.

Right.

Lucky escape.

PAMELA: Mmm. I suppose so.

But he spoke Russian all the time and it just sounded so romantic.

And I don’t know the Russian word for “whore”, so I, sort of, thought it sounded like lovely poetry.

OLIVER: Yeah.

Daddy always said I’d end up at the bottom of the Thames.

So far so good.

PAMELA: I don’t know what I’d do without Elspeth.

She really saved me.

Don’t bang on about it, Pamela, darling.

You know we’re delighted to have you for however long it is you mean to stay.

Forever?

Oh, no. I think I might have, erm, found somewhere.

Oh, well done, darling.

Oh, good.

Yeah, my cousin… My cousin has a flat.

Oh, that’ll suit you very well, a nice little flat.

It’s more of a… More of a bedsit really.

ELSPETH: I loved living in a bedsit in my 20s.

It’s so freeing to live all in one room.

And much less cleaning to do.

Oh, but it’ll be terrible when you’re gone.

How will I cope?

Well, I… (STAMMERS)

I could actually stay for a little bit longer…

Oh, no, darling, no.

You must be desperate to be rid of us and find your own place. I quite understand.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WIND BLOWING)

OLIVER: Hey.

(SQUEALS)

Fucking hell, you gave me a fright.

Sorry. I just thought you were sleepwalking.

No, I wanted to have a look at the moon.

It’s nearly full.

Do you know what that means?

No.

We’re all about to lose our minds.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Sorry, you must be… You must be cold.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

I’m cold-blooded.

We’re all cold-blooded, haven’t you noticed?

You’re not cold-blooded.

Your family is so kind to me.

Sweet.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I see why Felix likes you so much.

You’re so, erm…

So what?

I don’t know.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

Real.

Hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

I think I like you even more than last year’s one.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

Night.

What’s, erm, what’s…

MAID: Breakfast is ready.

OLIVER: Morning.

Morning.

VENETIA: Morning.

FELIX: You sleep well, mate?

OLIVER: Erm, yeah.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

Hey, Oliver, have some breakfast.

Er, can I get a full English breakfast too, please?

Breakfast is on the side, darling.

Just help yourself.

How would you like your eggs?

It’s fine. I can get them.

FARLEIGH: Not the eggs.

The eggs are made for you.

Exactly.

And everything else is on the side.

Fried over easy, please.

Ollie, we were just talking about the Shelley biography.

Shelley who? Shelley, Belinda’s sister Shelley?

Oh, Percy Bysshe Shelley. The poet.

The Romantic poet.

Oh.

VENETIA: Do you know the story about Shelley’s doppelgänger?

SIR JAMES: His doppelgänger?

VENETIA: Mmm.

Shelley’s housekeeper was cleaning one of the rooms when Shelley walked past the window and waved at her.

So, she waved back before she realised that Shelley was in Italy.

And she was on the top floor of the house.

Oh, Vee. Stop, stop, stop. I won’t sleep.

A few hours later, he drowned.

ELSPETH: Oh!

Oh, that’s just given me goosebumps.

Look, Pamela.

Oh, no.

I heard he fucked his sister.

Oh, for God’s sake!

I think that was Byron.

PAMELA: Oh, speaking of which…

Ellie, did you hear, Ada ran off with Tommy Prior?

ELSPETH: Yes, you told me.

(SOFTLY) Thank you so much.

ELSPETH: ‘Course she did. Her husband was ghastly.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Is everything okay, Ollie?

Er, ‘course, yeah. It’s just, erm…

Runny eggs. I…

I get a bit sick from them.

Sorry.

So sorry.

(DUNCAN CLEARS THROAT)

OLIVER: Sorry.

We’re over here, Ollie!

FELIX: Hi, mate.

FARLEIGH: Hey.

No trunks allowed in the field.

(TIME TO PRETEND BY MGMT PLAYING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, well, well.

Leave him alone.

(LAUGHS)

Good for you.

What a twist.

(VENETIA LAUGHING)

♪ I’m feelin’ rough I’m feelin’ raw ♪

♪ I’m in the prime of my life ♪

Watch out for thistles, mate.

Thistles, they’re everywhere. Seasonal.

♪ Let’s make some music Make some money ♪

♪ Find some models for wives ♪

FELIX: Do you think Harry, Hermione and Ron all have threesomes?

VENETIA: What?

FARLEIGH: Oh, without a fucking doubt.

FELIX: You think they all fuck?

They’re missing out on an opportunity if they’re not.

♪ You man the island ♪

♪ And the cocaine ♪

(ALL SCREAMING)

♪ And the elegant cars ♪

VENETIA: Oh, my God!

ELSPETH: Why is she wet?

FELIX: Because she’s been down the well, Mum.

(ALL LAUGHING)

♪ We’ve got the vision ♪

♪ Now let’s have some fun ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

FARLEIGH: That was out.

FELIX: Drink, drink, drink!

Fuck off!

FELIX: You’ve got to hit the ball, Vee.

♪ Yeah, it’s overwhelming But what else can we do? ♪

♪ Get jobs in offices ♪

♪ And wake up for the morning commute? ♪

What are these?

ELSPETH: Oh, the Palissy plates.

Do you mean Bernard Palissy, the 16th century Huguenot ceramicist?

Yes. Do you know him?

OLIVER: I’ve always loved his work, but I’ve never seen anything of his in real life.

♪ We’re fated ♪

(GASPS)

♪ To pretend ♪

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

That’s so weird.

Stop!

Our point.

(WHOOPING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

(SONG ENDS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Can I help you?

Er, sorry.

Quite all right.

Lots of people get lost in Saltburn.

(DUNCAN CHUCKLES)

Well…

(MUFFLED MOAN)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(FELIX BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANING)

(INHALES SHAKILY)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(WATER DRAINING)

FELIX: All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Night, mate. (KISSES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SLURPS)

(SLURPS)

(SLURPING)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

ELSPETH: Oh, Oliver darling.

So punctual.

Poor Vee. The boys just run a mile.

OLIVER: Why?

Well, she gives it away for free.

She’s sexually incontinent. Has been since she was 14.

My mother always said… “Born masochist.”

And then there’s all the stuff with the food.

What stuff?

You know, “fingers for pudding”.

We thought she’d grow out of it, the throwing up.

I… I didn’t know.

Well, exactly! Hasn’t even helped.

Complete waste of time.

Honestly. But if she found the right boy or girl.

I don’t care. Anything.

I was a lesbian for a while, you know.

But it was all just too wet for me in the end.

Men are so lovely and dry.

Ah, it can’t have been easy for Venetia.

With you being her mother.

Why?

Because…

Because what?

Because you’re so fucking beautiful.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

What do you think, er, Pamela will be wearing tonight?

What? Oh, Pamela’s not here.

Oh, is she…

She’s gone.

James thought it would better to peel her away this morning without too much of a scene.

Only so many hints you can drop.

Yeah, she did seem a bit lost.

Ha, very tactful. She’s a complete limpet.

The wettest of wet blankets.

And very hard to know from looking at her because she’s so stylish.

You’d think she was a riot to look at her.

But there’s absolutely nothing going on underneath.

I know she’s had a hideous time the past few years but, honestly, she did go on about it.

If all of it was true…

What do you mean?

I shouldn’t have said that.

No, no, go on.

No, I don’t know. Just…

Her stories, they just seemed a bit inconsistent at times.

I thought you noticed it too.

Oh, yes, I had. Absolutely.

The self-pity,

the emotional blackmail.

You know.

Yes.

Yes! God!

I was feeling quite guilty about it this afternoon,

but you’re absolutely right.

There was actually something quite sinister about her.

Yes.

(EXHALES) Thank goodness for you, Oliver.

You’re so perceptive.

(EXHALES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

You’re presumptuous.

(OLIVER CHUCKLES)

And you’re in a see-through nightdress

underneath my window.

It’s my house. I can go wherever I want.

OLIVER: Oh, okay.

And you want to be in a see-through nightdress

underneath my window.

(CHUCKLES)

I hadn’t really thought about it.

OLIVER: Just a masochist, then?

You’re not eating anything.

Yes, I am.

Well, you’re not keeping it down.

I mean, you’re so beautiful, Venetia.

You need to look after yourself.

So tomorrow you’re going to eat,

and then you’re going to stay at the table.

Do you understand?

Yes.

(SOFTLY) Good.

I could just eat you.

(MOANING SOFTLY, BREATHING HEAVILY)

Ollie…

It’s… It’s not the right time of the month.

And is that something you think I’m worried about?

(VENETIA BREATHING HEAVILY)

It’s lucky for you I’m a vampire.

(VENETIA GULPS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

You’ve got a little something there.

(VENETIA CHUCKLES)

(FARLEIGH SCOFFS)

You stupid little boy.

(SCOFFS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

ELSPETH: It must have been such a strain.

SIR JAMES: I can never

remember the name of the, er, chubby one.

What was it?

ELSPETH: He’s some doctor in Paris.

I can’t remember his name.

But he gives you, sort of, shakes

that you mix up with water, I suppose.

OLIVER: Good morning. ELSPETH: Hello, darling.

You sleep well?

No, not really, mate.

We’re 30 for dinner tomorrow night.

Stopford Sackville has cried off.

Oh, dear, that’s a shame.

God, I forgot about fucking dinner.

Wait, who is coming to dinner again?

The Henrys.

FARLEIGH: No, please!

Who are the Henrys?

VENETIA: Dad’s friends.

They’re all called Henry.

Not all of them. Just most.

It’ll be fun.

It’ll be being molested by Henry.

You know which one.

I’ll put you next to Oliver, then.

He can molest you instead.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, Oliver, I was going to say,

we should do something fun for your birthday.

A proper party.

No Henrys. Something actually fun.

What do you think, darling?

If Oliver would like it, I think it’s a splendid idea.

FARLEIGH: I think Oliver looks like he’d rather

throw himself out of a window.

What kind of party?

I don’t know. Whatever you want.

What do you think? About 100 people?

A hundred?

Or two.

It invariably ends up being two,

doesn’t it, with this sort of thing? (CHUCKLES)

Invite whoever you want. All your friends.

What friends?

Oh! Oh! How about fancy dress?

ELSPETH: Oh, yes!

I can wear my suit of armour, Elspeth.

Good idea, darling.

We could have a theme.

What about Midsummer Night’s Dream?

SIR JAMES: Lovely.

FARLEIGH: Bring on the slutty fairies.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

OLIVER: Hey.

Hey.

Felix.

Is everything okay?

Yes. Why?

You seem annoyed about something.

I’m not annoyed about anything.

Okay.

It’s just slightly bad form, that’s all.

What’s bad form?

What do you think?

Getting with Venetia, Ollie.

What makes you think I got with Venetia?

Farleigh saw you two.

It’s just fucking cringe, mate.

I mean, really, you’re my friend.

You’re supposed to be here with me.

Look, I didn’t want to embarrass Venetia.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw her… I saw her outside

and I went down to see was she okay.

And I think she got the wrong end of the stick because…

she tried to kiss me.

And I politely steered her away.

Farleigh said you two were practically eating each other.

Oh, and you believe him?

Me and Venetia?

(SCOFFS) Come on.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, why didn’t you tell me?

I just…

I thought it would be nicer not to.

She was hammered. Probably doesn’t remember.

She’s so embarrassing.

And fucking Farleigh. What a little a shit stirrer.

Mmm.

Well, someone has to entertain us all.

Right.

That’s why we love him.

(SIGHS) Thank God.

You know, I thought we had another Eddie situation.

Eddie?

Yeah.

Eddie was my best friend at school.

And he came to stay with us.

And he, kind of,

developed a little thing for Venetia,

and everything just got so awkward.

Yeah, it, kind of, ruined our friendship.

I can imagine.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

FARLEIGH: I’m not saying my mother isn’t

completely idiotic when it comes to money.

FELIX: You just have to be firm with her.

FARLEIGH: I can’t call her and tell her no.

FELIX: I know. I know. You’ve said that.

I know, I understand.

FARLEIGH: No, you don’t.

You don’t. It’s humiliating.

FELIX: It’s very hard…

FARLEIGH: I’m sorry, but it’s a bit fucking shitty.

You’re all throwing Oliver a party for 200 people

while my mother lives in squalor.

FELIX: Oh, she’s hardly living in squalor, mate.

FARLEIGH: Well, she can’t pay her bills, so she will be.

Okay? At the rate she’s going, she will be.

FELIX: Right, that’s exactly why

Dad’s concerned about helping her.

He doesn’t wanna enable her.

He wants her to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Yeah, like he does?

Farleigh.

I mean, you do know how this looks, right?

Making me come to you with a begging bowl.

What are you implying?

I think you know what I’m implying, Felix.

Why don’t you ask Liam and Joshua?

Who…

Who the fuck are Liam and Joshua?

(CHUCKLES)

Your footmen.

Oh, that is…

That is low, Farleigh.

Jesus Christ, mate.

Okay.

Seriously, is that… Is that where

you wanna take this?

Right.

Make it a race thing?

What the fuck? I mean, we’re your family.

We hardly even notice that you’re different,

or anything like that.

FARLEIGH: Mmm.

I never know

our footmen’s names.

The turnover of a footman is notoriously high.

Of course.

And by the way,

my father has been more generous

than most people would be.

A lot more.

(CLAPS HANDS)

But…

maybe… maybe we’ve done all that we can.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING, LAUGHTER)

How do you know her father, then?

Felix warned you off, then?

Well, maybe we just need to be a bit more careful.

No, thanks.

It’s just so disappointing.

You’re just another one of his toys.

You’re upset.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m used to it. Honestly.

I mean, he never liked sharing his toys.

Even the ones he doesn’t want to play with any more.

Henry, how is your gorgeous son?

Venetia, Venetia…

Me first. You’re on my left.

I’m sorry.

OLIVER: Of course.

So, how long have you known the Cattons for?

Oh, forever. Forever and ever.

And how… how did you…

My husband is James’ godson.

How long have you been married?

You’ve been married long?

Yes.

Lovely.

Why?

Erm…

Why would it be “lovely”?

Hmm?

The man’s an idiot.

…from the ocean floor.

(LAUGHS) Do you know what I mean?

Have you got children?

Yes. Two.

No, three. Three boys.

Must be a handful.

Well, no, they’re at school.

That’s the main thing about school,

you hardly ever have to see them.

WOMAN: Hen, darling, save me.

HENRY: The rumour was, she had two arseholes.

How was I supposed to know she was a bloody hooker?

(LOW BY FLO RIDA PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

HENRY: ♪ Let me talk to ’em ♪

♪ Let me talk to ’em ♪

♪ Let it rain ♪

♪ Let me talk to ’em ♪

♪ Shawty had them apple bottom jeans ♪

♪ Boots with the fur ♪

♪ The whole club was lookin’ at her ♪

♪ She hit the floor ♪

♪ Next thing you know ♪

♪ Shawty got low, low, low ♪

♪ Low, low, low ♪

All right, fuck this. I’m gonna get a drink.

Yeah, me too.

♪ The Reeboks with the strap ♪

♪ She turned around and gave that ♪

♪ Big booty a slap ♪ (WHOOPS)

Fuck, chuck or marry.

Richard III,

Henry VII or Henry VIII?

You know, I think I’d fuck Richard III.

He’s so insecure, so you know he’d put in the work, right?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Or you could just fuck me?

Why did you tell Felix about me and Venetia?

Well, I didn’t think he’d react that badly.

Yes, you did.

Yes, I did.

(SIGHS) You know…

if you ever wanna talk to anyone,

you can talk to me, Farleigh.

What do you mean?

Well, I know you’re going through a hard time at home.

I know how that feels.

When things are so precarious.

It’s terrifying.

And lonely.

And it must be so fucking weird

having to ask them for everything.

And I know you fucking hate me.

I…

I don’t hate you.

But if you ever wanted me

to talk to them to see if there’s…

(SIGHS) If I can help in any way…

…just ask.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Right, I think I’m gonna go put him out of his misery.

♪ Shawty got low, low Low, low, low ♪

Oh!

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Okay.

Well done, Henry. That was great.

Everyone, round of applause for Henry.

(SONG ENDS)

(ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Okay. Now it’s time to take things up a notch.

(RENT BY PET SHOP BOYS PLAYING)

Er, okay, we have someone here who is a very talented singer.

He’s your best friend, and mine.

Oliver Quick.

(APPLAUSE)

SIR JAMES: Oliver!

Come on, up you get.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, don’t be shy.

I don’t even know the song.

The words are on the screen, Oliver.

That’s the best bit. That’s the best bit!

(ALL CHEERING)

♪ You dress me up I’m your puppet ♪

♪ You buy me things I love it ♪

♪ You bring me food I need it ♪

♪ You give me love I feed it ♪

(VENETIA WHOOPS)

♪ And look at the two of us In sympathy ♪

♪ With everything we see ♪

♪ I never want anything It’s easy ♪

♪ You buy whatever I need ♪

♪ But look at my hopes Look at my dreams ♪

♪ The currency we’ve spent ♪

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

♪ I love you You pay my rent ♪

(WHOOPS) You tell them!

FELIX: Farleigh.

What?

This is your song as well, Farleigh.

Come finish it.

FARLEIGH: Only if you insist.

♪ You took me to a restaurant ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ Off Broadway ♪

♪ To show me who you… ♪

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(BED CREAKING)

(GASPS)

What the fuck are you doing? (BREATHING HEAVILY)

OLIVER: What do you think I’m doing?

FARLEIGH: I think you’re in the wrong fucking room.

Am I?

(FARLEIGH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SOFTLY) Are you going to behave from now on, Farleigh?

No.

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

(SOFTLY) Are you going to behave?

No.

(SOFTLY) Don’t make me ask again.

(SOFTLY) Say it.

I’m going to behave.

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

What the fuck…

(SHUSHES)

(BED CREAKING)

(FARLEIGH MOANS SOFTLY)

(OLIVER SHUSHES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

FARLEIGH: I wouldn’t do this. ELSPETH: James is very upset.

FARLEIGH: You know that… Why would I do this?

ELSPETH: I don’t know… FARLEIGH: I swear to God,

this has to be…

ELSPETH: Enough!

FARLEIGH: There must be some kind of mistake here.

ELSPETH: Farleigh…

I’m sure I can…

FELIX: Vee, what the fuck is going on?

VENETIA: (SHUSHES, SOFTLY) It’s Farleigh.

OLIVER: (SOFTLY) What happened?

VENETIA: (SOFTLY) He tried to nick something.

FELIX: (SOFTLY) What are you talking about?

(FARLEIGH AND ELSPETH ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

VENETIA: (SOFTLY) He’s a fucking idiot.

DUNCAN: Move! ELSPETH: Please.

FELIX: (SOFTLY) Fuck.

(YOU’RE GORGEOUS PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

♪ Because you’re gorgeous ♪

I mean, it’s outrageous!

OLIVER: What actually happened?

FELIX: He sent an email to Sotheby’s

to say that he’d “come by”

some Palissy plates.

(VENETIA SCOFFS)

I mean, the idiot. He had to have known

that Dad went to school with the chairman.

I mean, talk about biting the hand.

And Mum and Dad would give him anything he asked for.

Yeah, well, obviously he got sick of asking.

That’s ridiculous. He’s more spoilt than we are.

I mean, come on, Vee. You… You have to admit.

It’s a little bit dark, him having to go

to Mum and Dad with a begging bowl.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.

FELIX: All right, yes.

Fine, it was incredibly fucking stupid…

VENETIA: Guys, guys, guys.

(FELIX SHUSHES)

Oliver, don’t mention it, okay?

OLIVER: What happens if they bring him up?

They won’t.

What a glorious day.

Never known a summer as hot as this one.

Sweltering.

I think it’s even hotter than last year.

I didn’t think that was possible,

but here we are again.

It’s hotter than Barbados, apparently. Barbados!

ELSPETH: No, I can believe it, darling.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been hotter in my life.

SIR JAMES: Oh, I need to check with Robert…

(SIGHS)

…to make sure that

he’s being extra vigilant with the hydrangeas.

Very wise, my love.

Oh, bliss.

Bliss, bliss, bliss.

(INHALES)

Mmm!

Oh, this song. God, I haven’t heard this song in forever.

(SIGHS) I used to hang out with them all, actually,

when I was modelling. Britpop, Blur, Oasis.

God, the parties. Oh, but then, of course,

Common People came out

and everybody thought it was written about me.

Which was completely mortifying and ridiculous.

I mean, I barely knew Jarvis.

VENETIA: What? ELSPETH: She came from Greece.

She had a thirst for knowledge.

It couldn’t have been me.

I’ve never wanted to know anything.

(GROANS) God, I wish we didn’t have to go to London.

I didn’t know you were going to London.

Pamela’s funeral.

(SOFTLY) Oh.

Pamela died?

Yeah.

She’d do anything for attention.

(FELIX MOANING SOFTLY)

(SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Morning, birthday boy.

Get dressed. We’re going on a road trip.

Where?

Oh, it’s a surprise.

Wear something nice.

(CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR RADIO)

(FELIX AND OLIVER LAUGHING)

(FELIX AND OLIVER EXCLAIMING)

(FELIX AND OLIVER SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

How much further is it?

It’s not too far now.

Er, please tell me you’re…

Felix, are…

FELIX: Look, Ollie, just hear me out, all right?

OLIVER: No, no, no.

Hear me out for a sec.

What have you done? What have you done?

Your mum called a week ago.

Er…

You left your phone in the bathroom,

so I thought, I thought…

I, sort of, just picked up.

I mean, you’ve been ignoring her calls for weeks

and I just thought that maybe I could help.

And on the phone, she really sounded sober, mate.

She had no idea where you were and she just wanted

to send you a card for your birthday.

Please turn the car round. You can’t take me there.

You can’t. Felix, you can’t take me there.

Ollie, she’s your mother.

No!

She’s your family!

She’s all that you’ve got.

You don’t understand!

Ollie, she’s your…

You don’t!

I’m begging you.

Mate…

I’m begging you. Please, no.

I’m not taking “no” for an answer, mate. I’m sorry.

You have to fix this, mate.

Oh, look, there’s a sign. Churchill Avenue. Right.

Oh, 138.

Is this it?

Oh, this is nice, mate.

(CAR RATTLING)

Look, she’s clearly cleaned up her act.

This is lovely.

Let’s do this.

(KEYS JANGLING)

Let me go in without you, please.

I’m not leaving you, mate.

We’re in this together.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

MOTHER: Oliver! Oh!

Praise you’re alive. (CHUCKLES)

I didn’t recognise you.

(SIGHS)

Happy birthday, darling.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

You must be Felix. It’s so nice to meet you.

Your father’s in the garden.

His father?

MOTHER: (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

He’s been pacing around all morning. He’s so excited.

Come in. Come in.

Jeff!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

JEFF: Oh, that was in Mykonos.

We go every year.

Well, not any more.

No, not now the kids are all grown up.

Kids?

You told me you were an only child, Oliver?

No, I’ve always talked about my sisters.

All right.

Well, I must have…

I must have forgotten. (CHUCKLES)

MOTHER: I’m not surprised if he didn’t.

He always wanted to be an only child,

always beetling off by himself.

I bet, yeah. Yeah, I bet.

They didn’t know what to do with him at his school.

He was so clever.

That’s why I think

he found it hard to make friends.

The others were jealous.

And now he’s the top scholar at Oxford.

(CHUCKLING)

The top scholar?

God, he’s so modest.

You know, I… I had no idea. (CHUCKLES)

It’s been hard not seeing him.

Yeah, but it must be a lot of pressure, though, I expect.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course it is.

I bet. Yeah, I can’t imagine.

JEFF: Working day and night.

And then, on top of it all, he’s got the union.

The plays.

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING NOISE)

Yeah, the plays.

JEFF: The rowing team.

The rowing team?

MOTHER: Oh, yeah…

OLIVER: I’ve gotta go. JEFF: What d’you mean?

I’ve got these horrible migraines.

Oh. Why don’t you lie down upstairs, darling?

I made your bed up in case you wanted to stay.

We’ve got to get back. We’ve…

We’ve got to get back for my party.

Oliver… Oliver, your mother spent

all morning making lunch.

MOTHER: It doesn’t matter.

It does matter. It does.

MOTHER: No, it’s all right.

If he’s not well…

JEFF: It’s not okay.

It doesn’t matter, it’s only spag bol.

JEFF: And the cake?

It doesn’t matter.

Of course we can stay, we would love to stay.

Ollie, just take a pill or something,

for Christ’s sake.

I love spag bol.

(CAR RATTLING)

Felix, look, Felix,

please, let me just explain.

I think the best thing

is that you go home after your party.

It’s too late to cancel it now,

and summer’s almost finished anyway.

So I think we’ll have your party tonight, and…

I will see you back at Oxford.

And we can still be friends, though?

I mean, we’re going to laugh about this.

I… I…

I don’t even know why I said it.

It’s just a stupid thing to say…

FELIX: No, it’s fucking weird, is what it is, mate.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start.

I mean, you’re a fucking liar, Ollie.

(SIGHS)

Why would you lie?

I just wanted to be your friend.

Look, let’s just get through tonight.

Can you not tell your family, please?

Of course not. Fucking hell!

It’s dark enough as it is!

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRYING)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

(PERFECT EXCEEDER PLAYING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Duncan.

Yes?

Orchid.

♪ Watch me work it, I’m perfect ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Let me hear you scream If you want some more ♪

(GLASSES CLINKING)

Cheers!

♪ Watch me work it, I’m perfect ♪

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

SIR JAMES: Uh-oh.

ELSPETH: Oh, it’s George’s daughter.

SIR JAMES: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

ELSPETH: Oh, dear, she’s just like her mother.

(GIRL VOMITING, COUGHS)

♪ That’s right I’m a superstar ♪

♪ Everybody wanna come up When I’m at the bar ♪

♪ All the people wanna try It’s like give me some more ♪

♪ Try a little harder, honey Give me some more ♪

♪ Let’s go I’m a superstar ♪

♪ Getting busy with the boys Hanging at the bar ♪

♪ Everybody coming close ’cause they all want me ♪

♪ You all knew When you saw me ♪

♪ I like how you look Baby call me, call me ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Let me hear you scream If you want some more ♪

MAN: Hey! Hey!

OLIVER: Have you seen Felix?

Nope.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING CHEERFULLY)

(CHUCKLING)

FELIX: Which one’s the biggest…

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck.

OLIVER: Felix.

Can I, er, talk to you for one second?

(GIRL GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT) You can’t ignore me forever.

I can try.

OLIVER: Felix, we need to talk.

Felix, come on!

Look, man, I tried to be nice,

but can you fuck off and bother somebody else?

(GIRL CHUCKLES)

Who was that?

(ROAST SKEWERS SQUEAKING)

OLIVER: (SIGHS) Hello, Farleigh.

How did you know it was me?

Signet ring.

(CHUCKLES) God.

You really do notice everything, don’t you?

Have they seen you yet?

Not yet. (SIGHS)

(SNORTS)

Yeah, they’ll go ballistic.

I doubt it.

They invited me. (SNIFFS)

OLIVER: Ohhh! FARLEIGH: Mmm.

Mmm.

(CHORTLES)

God, the look on your face.

They can’t have invited you.

Oh, Oliver, you’ll never catch on.

This place…

(CHUCKLES) You know, it’s not for you.

It is a fucking dream.

It is an anecdote you’ll bore your fat kids

with at Christmas.

Oliver’s once in a lifetime

handjob on a hay bale, golden, big boy summer!

(LAUGHING)

You’ll cling on to it,

and comb over it, and jerk off to it,

and you’ll wonder how you could ever

ever, ever, ever get it back.

But you don’t get it back.

Because your summer’s over.

And so you…

(CHUCKLING) Oh…

You…

catch a train…

to whatever creepy doll factory

it is they make Olivers in.

And I come back here.

This isn’t a dream to me.

It’s my house.

So whatever happens, I always come back.

Try harder next time, baby.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear… ♪

MAN: Shit, I can’t remember his name.

(ALL SNORTING AND GIGGLING)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

WOMAN: Whoo!

(PEOPLE MURMUR INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

(HAPPINESS BY TOMCRAFT PLAYING)

♪ Happiness seems To be loneliness ♪

♪ And loneliness Killed my world ♪

♪ How could you guess ♪

♪ When you’re only Thinking of yourself? ♪

♪ How you looked At other girls ♪

♪ Happiness seems To be loneliness ♪

♪ And loneliness Killed my world ♪

♪ How could you guess ♪

♪ When you’re only Thinking of yourself? ♪

♪ How you looked At other girls ♪

♪ Happiness seems To be loneliness ♪

♪ And loneliness Killed my world ♪

♪ How could you guess ♪

♪ When you’re only Thinking of yourself? ♪

♪ How you looked At other girls ♪

(PEOPLE CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(INDIA AND FELIX CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

(FELIX GRUNTING)

(INDIA AND FELIX MOANING)

Felix.

FELIX: Oh, Jesus Christ!

What the fuck are you doing here?

OLIVER: I need to talk to you. INDIA: Were you spying on us?

No, I wasn’t.

You know, you two are fucking gross.

FELIX: Fucking hell, mate.

(GROANS) God…

What the fuck is wrong with you, Oliver?

Leave me the fuck alone!

No, we need to talk.

Please stop.

We can’t… We can’t, are you fucking crazy?

You can’t just throw me away.

Get the fuck away from me.

Ah, fuck…

Look, I just gave you what you wanted!

Like everyone else does.

Everyone puts on a show for Felix.

So I’m sorry that… (STAMMERS)

my performance wasn’t good enough.

I think…

I think you need to see somebody.

You need help, okay? Seriously.

No. No, I don’t.

I just need you to understand how much I fucking love you.

You’re the only friend I ever had, Felix.

Okay…

I mean, doesn’t this just prove how much,

how much of a good friend I actually am?

How well I actually know you?

I’m still the same person.

Yeah? I’m still the same person.

I don’t know what you are.

But I do know you,

you make my fucking blood run cold.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait there a sec.

(GAGS)

OLIVER: Fuck. Ah.

(VOMITING)

Better?

Fuck you.

FELIX: I think you should go to bed.

I don’t care what you think any more.

(SIGHING) Oh, fuck.

(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SNIFFLING SOFTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

ELSPETH: (DISTANTLY) Felix!

VENETIA: (DISTANTLY) Felix! SIR JAMES: Felix!

Felix!

(DISTANT THUDDING)

(SNIFFLES)

(FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING)

OLIVER: You don’t need to be told, do you?

You already know.

You’re just turning the handle on a jack in the box.

Walking towards the end of the world.

Knowing that any second…

the ground was gonna fall away.

(ELSPETH SCREAMING)

It’s the end of everything.

Darling, darling boy.

My darling boy.

(BOTH CRYING)

Help me move him.

We need to get him inside.

Get him warm.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

I just need to get him warmed up.

Felix, darling,

where’s your jumper?

Hmm?

Where’s your jumper?

(VENETIA CRYING)

Come on now! Help me.

I don’t think we can move him, James.

I think… I think the police.

Yes.

Yes, come away, darling.

It’s nearly lunch.

Yes.

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

What is it, Duncan?

DUNCAN: It’s the police, Your Ladyship.

They’re having trouble.

What kind of trouble?

They keep getting lost in the maze.

(FARLEIGH SCOFFS)

SIR JAMES: And?

(WHISPERS) May I send one of the gardeners

to assist them, sir?

Fine.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oliver, darling.

Why don’t you tell us about last night?

Last night?

ELSPETH: Mmm.

Did you have a lovely time?

Yeah, it was, er, wonderful.

Thank you.

ELSPETH: Oh, good.

I think it was a hit. Don’t you, darling?

Oh, yes, a triumph.

ELSPETH: Yes. The house looked good, didn’t it?

SIR JAMES: Beautiful.

And that cake was…

ELSPETH: Oh, did you like it?

Mm-hmm.

I never had any in the end.

That’s always the way, isn’t it?

You end up running around so much

you miss the actual party.

What now?

May I be permitted to close the curtains, sir?

Sir, the coroner’s outside

and may need to pass the window with…

Yes, thank you. Close them.

I don’t normally like chocolate cake.

Yes, it can be cloying, can’t it?

Mmm, but last night it was so light.

ELSPETH: Yes, Lynn has always been an expert with cakes.

Yes, cold hands, apparently.

You have to have cold hands.

OLIVER: Mm-hmm, I’ve heard.

(CURTAIN ROD THUDDING)

So the butter doesn’t melt.

ELSPETH: Although I would think

that applied more to pastry than to…

Duncan, just get them closed, for Christ’s sake!

DUNCAN: Yes, I am trying, sir. I can’t.

(DRAWING CURTAIN)

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

(MUFFLED SOB)

(GURNEY SQUEAKING OUTSIDE)

(SIGHS)

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(GAGGING)

(MUFFLED SOBBING)

(GROANS)

FARLEIGH: Oh, my God.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Er, may I be excused, please?

No, we haven’t finished lunch.

Lunch is cold.

You want me just to eat it like nothing’s happening?

What else is there to do, darling?

Anything! Anything!

(YELLING) Farleigh!

Will you be quiet?

Sit down and eat the bloody pie!

Just eat it!

Eat it and shut up!

Eat the bloody pie!

(COUGHING AND SOBBING)

You’re not the only person here with feelings.

None of us wants your bloody American feelings.

I think it’s delicious.

(SNIFFLES)

FARLEIGH: What the fuck are you still doing here?

Wait, does no one else find it weird?

No one else finds that weird?

I wouldn’t throw stones if I was you, Farleigh.

FARLEIGH: Excuse me?

Please stop.

SIR JAMES: What is he saying?

I… I have no idea.

What I’m saying is I would feel guilty too.

Guilty?

OLIVER: If I was the one

racking up lines the night someone died.

Fuck you.

That’s not a denial.

Is that true?

Search Farleigh’s room.

Yes, sir.

No.

Get out!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SOBBING) No, wait…

Erm…

What’s happening?

Aunt Elspeth… Elspeth…

Don’t you dare look at her!

Get out!

I won’t mention this to the police.

That’s all you’ll get.

Nothing more,

ever again.

(FARLEIGH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(LORD OF ALL HOPEFULNESS PLAYING)

♪ Lord of all hopefulness ♪

♪ Lord of all joy ♪

♪ Whose trust, Ever child-like ♪

♪ No cares could destroy ♪

♪ Be there at our waking ♪

♪ And give us, we pray ♪

♪ Your bliss in our hearts, Lord ♪

♪ At the break of the day ♪

♪ Lord of all eagerness ♪

SIR JAMES: See you back at the house, Oliver.

♪ Lord of all faith ♪

♪ Whose strong hands Were skilled ♪

♪ At the plane and the lathe ♪

♪ Be there at our labours ♪

♪ And give us, we pray ♪

(STONE SPLASHES)

♪ Your strength in our hearts, Lord ♪

♪ At the noon of the day ♪

♪ Lord of all kindliness ♪

♪ Lord of all grace ♪

♪ Your hands swift To welcome ♪

♪ Your arms to embrace ♪

♪ Be there at our homing ♪

♪ And give us, we pray ♪

♪ Your love in our hearts, Lord ♪

♪ At the eve of the day ♪

♪ Lord of all gentleness ♪

♪ Lord of all calm ♪

♪ Whose voice is contentment ♪

♪ Whose presence is balm ♪

♪ Be there at our sleeping ♪

♪ And give us, we pray ♪

♪ Your peace in our hearts, Lord ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

(SOBBING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(MOANING SOFTLY)

(CRYING)

SIR JAMES: The vicar did well.

ELSPETH: (SNIFFLING) Yes, so much nicer than his father.

Oh, he was all right.

Just a little old fashioned.

Extremely old fashioned.

Do you remember Felix’s christening?

Mm-hmm.

“You can’t possibly

“have River as a middle name.” Do you remember?

Hm. (CHUCKLING) I remember you giving him what for.

It doesn’t matter now.

It doesn’t matter what his middle name is now.

Darling.

ELSPETH: He was right.

River is quite silly.

But I suppose you don’t pick your child’s name

imagining that one day you’ll have to think about

how it will look…

carved on a…

(INHALES SHAKILY) headstone. Choose a font.

What font did you choose?

Times New Roman.

On local stone.

It’ll be good, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

It’s a good choice. Solid.

(CHUCKLES BITTERLY)

I’ll leave you.

You’re not going anywhere, Oliver, darling?

I was just going upstairs.

But you’re not leaving us?

You’re not leaving Saltburn?

(WATER SPLASHES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Ah, sorry.

Your politeness is so grating.

Do you know that?

Erm, sorry?

You’re always sorry.

Always flinching away like a little fucking…

serf.

I saw you.

Sobbing in the church at the funeral.

I watched you weeping away and I just…

I felt so sorry for you.

So sorry.

And then I remembered…

(CHUCKLING) and I started laughing.

(LAUGHING)

I just…

(CONTINUES LAUGHING) I just couldn’t stop laughing

because I… I remembered that…

that you only knew him for…

six months?

(SOFTLY) You hardly knew him, Ollie.

You have nothing to do

with him, with us,

with here.

Nothing at all.

You’re just a stranger.

It’s very late.

Yet, here you are.

Right in the middle of it all.

Ooh.

Stranger fucking danger.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I’m going to bed.

Ollie, you know…

You know what Daddy’s starting to call you?

Spiderman.

Really?

Because you’re always

just skulking around.

Weaving your spider-y, Oliver-y web.

Good night. Drink some water…

Hey, Ollie, Ollie, don’t be upset.

I don’t think you’re a spider.

I think you’re a moth.

I’m right, aren’t I?

Quiet…

harmless…

drawn to shiny things…

batting up against the window…

just desperate to get in.

Well, you’ve done it now.

You’ve made your holes

in everything.

You’ll eat us from the inside out.

You’ve drunk way too much.

Yeah.

Hm.

Isn’t that his aftershave?

Hm?

You are a fucking freak.

I bet you’re wearing his underwear too, aren’t you?

Yeah.

You disgusting little nobody.

Oh, my God!

You ate him right up

and you licked the fucking plate!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SOBBING QUIETLY)

It broke her completely.

She said it herself.

She couldn’t live without him.

Thank you for coming to see me.

Is everything all right?

Er…

How long were you planning on staying with us?

Because Elspeth won’t let you go.

(SIGHS) Erm, I’m happy to stay

as long as she needs me to.

Very kind of you.

But I’m not sure that’s good for her or us.

I think it’s time, Oliver,

for you to go home discreetly tonight,

to cause her the least anxiety.

I hope you understand.

I’d go in a heartbeat if I could.

I just don’t think I can leave her in this state.

Well…

It would be best if the family was able to grieve in private.

Oh, I… I understand, I agree.

I agree.

But I just think it’s best if I stay

just for the time being.

I want to do what’s right for her.

You won’t go?

I don’t see how I can.

(SIGHS)

(OPENS DRAWER)

What are you doing?

How much?

Excuse me?

How much for you to leave and never come back?

To cease all contact with my wife?

Why?

Because we all

have to move on.

(SIGHS)

I know you live under

somewhat difficult circumstances,

but this will be a fresh start for you too.

Why are you doing this?

(SOFTLY) How much?

How much? (GASPS)

How much?

(OLIVER SIGHS)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

(CARD MACHINE BEEPS)

WOMAN: Thanks.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oliver.

Oliver.

Elspeth.

My God.

Oh, Ollie!

Oh, how handsome you look!

I can’t believe it.

But you’re all grown up, you’re…

Of course, you’re grown up.

Of course, silly of me, of course.

You grew up.

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

I’m all over the place at the moment.

I… I read the news about Sir James.

I’m so dreadfully sorry.

I was surprised he waited so long in a way.

You know…

But still it was a… a terrible shock.

Yeah.

It’s so funny to see you.

I’ve actually just bought a little flat nearby.

Oh, what are the odds?

Saltburn suddenly seemed so big and so far away.

How is Saltburn? Er, is Duncan still there?

Oh, God, he’s still there.

Oh, everything’s the same.

Exactly, exactly the same as when you left it.

I’m glad. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Ollie, I didn’t like it the way James treated you,

and I wanted to say something.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

No, but it’s not to me.

You see, I’ve thought about it a lot.

And…

you have to remember

that he wasn’t in his right mind then,

after everything that happened.

And he…

You do forgive him, you do understand?

Of course.

Have you been happy?

Not really.

You?

(CHUCKLES SADLY) Not really.

WOMAN: Flat white.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

Come up and stay.

At Saltburn.

Coast is clear now, isn’t it?

(DOOR CLOSES)

I can honestly say that these last few months

have been the happiest of my life.

It’s just such a shame you got so ill.

(VENTILATOR HISSING)

But it’s been a privilege to look after you.

(ELSPETH WHEEZING)

Just as it’ll be a privilege to look after Saltburn.

So thank you for trusting me.

I promise I’ll look after this house

just as Felix would have.

We got there in the end, didn’t we?

Somehow.

Thank God.

After all those terrible, terrible accidents.

(SIGHS)

But…

is there really ever such a thing

as an accident, Elspeth?

(CLICKS BUTTON)

I don’t know.

(BED WHIRRING)

Accidents are for people like you.

For the rest of us, there’s work.

And unlike you,

I actually know how to work.

(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(AIR HISSING)

(COINS CLATTERING)

OLIVER: Please, I… I don’t have any money.

Could I just pay you tomorrow?

What actually happened?

FELIX: He sent an email to Sotheby’s

to say that he’d “come by” some Palissy plates.

(KEYS CLACKING)

ELSPETH: I’ve actually just bought a little flat nearby.

Oliver.

I wasn’t “in love” with him.

I know, everyone thought I was.

But I wasn’t.

I loved him.

I loved him.

I loved him. By God, I loved him.

But sometimes…

I…

I hated him.

(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(BED THUDS)

I hated him.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, I hated him.

(BED CREAKING)

I hated all of you.

And you made it so easy.

Spoiled dogs, sleeping belly-up.

No natural predators.

Well…

almost none.

(AIR HISSING OUT)

(ELSPETH GASPING SOFTLY)

(MUSIC FADES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BEES BUZZING)

(MURDER ON THE DANCEFLOOR PLAYING)

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ You’d better not kill the groove, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

♪ Oh, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ About your kind ♪

♪ And so, and so, and so, and so ♪

♪ And so, and so, and so ♪

♪ I’ll have to play ♪

♪ If you think you’re getting away ♪

♪ I will prove you wrong ♪

♪ I’ll take you all the way ♪

♪ Boy, just come along ♪

♪ Hear me when I say ♪

(SNORTS)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not kill the groove ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not steal the moves, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

♪ Oh, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ There may be others ♪

♪ And so, and so, and so ♪

♪ And so, and so, and so, and so ♪

♪ You’ll just have to pray ♪

♪ If you think you’re getting away ♪

♪ I will prove you wrong ♪

♪ I’ll take you all the way ♪

♪ Stay another song ♪

♪ I’ll blow you all away ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not kill the groove ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not steal the moves, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(OLIVER EXHALES)

(MURDER ON THE DANCEFLOOR PLAYING)

♪ Don’t think you’ll get away ♪

♪ I will prove you wrong ♪

♪ I’ll take you all the way ♪

♪ Boy, just come along ♪

♪ Hear me when I say ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not kill the groove ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not steal the moves, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not kill the groove ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not steal the moves, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ On the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not kill the groove ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ It’s murder on the dance floor ♪

♪ On the dance floor ♪

♪ But you’d better not steal the moves, DJ ♪

♪ Gonna burn this goddamn house right down ♪

♪ Oh, I know, I know, I know ♪

(MELANCHOLY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Monkey Man (2024)

Monkey Man (2024) | Transcript

An anonymous young man unleashes a campaign of vengeance against the corrupt leaders who murdered his mother and continue to systemically victimize the poor and powerless.

Immaculate (2024)

Immaculate (2024) | Transcript

Cecilia, a woman of devout faith, is warmly welcomed to the picture-perfect Italian countryside where she is offered a new role at an illustrious convent. But it becomes clear to Cecilia that her new home harbors dark and horrifying…

Blood for Dust (2023)

Blood for Dust (2023) | Transcript

Cliff, a traveling salesman drowning under the weight of providing for his family and the myth of the American dream, finds himself on a dangerous path after a chance encounter with Ricky, a colleague from a dark past.

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!