Queenpins (2021) | Transcript

A pair of housewives create a $40 million coupon scam
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Queenpins

Bored and frustrated suburban homemaker Connie and her best pal JoJo, a vlogger with dreams, turn a hobby into a multi-million-dollar counterfeit coupon caper. After firing off a letter to the conglomerate behind a box of cereal gone stale, and receiving an apology along with dozens of freebies, the duo hatch an illegal coupon club scheme that scams millions from mega-corporations and delivers deals to legions of fellow coupon clippers. On the trail to total coupon dominance, a hapless Loss Prevention Officer from the local supermarket chain joins forces with a determined U.S. Postal Inspector in hot pursuit of these newly minted “Queenpins” of pink collar crime.

* * *

[dog barking]

[police radio chatter]

[man] Gentlemen! Lock and load!

[police radio chatter]

[man] Connie Kaminski, you’re under arrest. Show me your hands. Show ’em!

[Connie] Yep, that’s me. Connie Kaminski.

[chuckling] And holy shit, that was scary.

I mean, I almost wet the bed. I don’t know why they didn’t just knock.

I mean, this is a story about coupons. Little old coupons. They j…

You know what? I should probably start from the beginning.

Hiya. Me again.

Okay, yeah. This is the perfect place to start.

Here’s a fun fact: I’m a three-time gold-medal-winning Olympic racewalker.

And you know what that’s worth out in the real world?

Absolutely nothing.

Did you know most Olympic athletes aren’t famous?

And they sure as heck aren’t rich.

Go ahead, look it up. I mean, not now, but, you know, later.

And, yeah, I may have retired, but I don’t quit.

I figure no matter what you do, give it all you got.

Hola.

Hola, Mrs. Flores.

Do you have my coupons?

[speaking Spanish]

Oh. Super-duper.

Hey.

[speaking Spanish]

You know what,

you can never have too much toilet paper, right?

[chuckling]

Okay, enjoy.

You might wanna pack a jacket. The weather showed rain in Cleveland.

Oh, um, hey, did I just see you giving the paper lady a bunch of stuff for free?

Rick, she’s barely getting by.

Yeah, but at least she has a job.

And you are spending money that we don’t have.

I am not spending money. I am saving us money.

[Connie] This is my husband Rick.

You literally are.

He works for the IRS.

And his job is to look for people’s mistakes.

I’ll get it.

What’s this? Is this new?

There’s, like, 50 jugs of Tide.

[Rick sighs]

[Connie] It’s couponing 101.

When Tide hits a six-month stock-up price, you stock up, okay?

That’s 400 dollars’ worth of detergent that I got for $57.

My mom used coupons…

[Connie] We didn’t always argue about money.

It was only after we tried to start a family.

And we tried. And we tried. [sighs]

And we tried.

And then, it finally happened.

We were going to have a girl.

But I just couldn’t get to the finish line.

After that, for a while we didn’t argue about anything.

Then Rick discovered he could travel more for work.

Now he’s gone three weeks out of every month.

But that’s okay.

‘Cause if that didn’t happen, I might not have met my best friend, JoJo.

Yo, yo, yo! It’s time to save with JoJo.

Here is the thing I love about coupons.

I control my time, I control my income, I control my life.

So, JoJo’s deal of the week is right here…

You sure as shit doing a good job controlling your income.

Mom.

[chuckles] ‘Cause you ain’t got no money.

Stop. Mama, no. Stop it!

You know I’m just… I’m over here busy trying to build my brand as a successful entrepreneur.

[chuckles] I’m my own CEO.

CEO! What the F are you talking about? [chuckles]

You nothing but a saleswoman that don’t make no sales.

Yeah, Mama, that’s a business. Sometimes you don’t make sale…

You ever heard of Steve Jobs?

What do you know about a job?

Okay, Mama. You be like that. I’m going next door.

Why you gotta spend so much time with that girl?

You and her carting around all them food stamps.

They’re not food stamps. They’re coupons.

White people use them. Why can’t we?

Oh, so if white people were jumping off a bridge…

Oh, my gosh. Again.

No, if white people were jumping off a bridge, I would not jump off a bridge.

Why you got such a damn attitude?

You’re always talking about white people! Like, no, of course not!

Get on my nerves.

[door slams]

Oh, hallelujah, praise the Lord. Look who’s here.

The savior of savings.

What up, Rick Dick?

Oh, hey, I had a question for you.

Um, has anybody ever been happy to see you?

Like, have you ever walked into a room and someone’s gone like, “Hey, everybody, look! My cool IRS auditor just walked in”?

Yeah, they don’t have to be happy.

Oh, okay.

I’m respected. I’m valued.

[JoJo] Mmm.

I’m leaving.

There you go.

Those are the two words we love to hear you say.

All right, now. Bye, Rick.

Hey, Rick, I had one more question.

[Rick] Don’t slam…

Hey, girl.

Hiya, JoJo.

All right, I have got some stuff for you.

Look at all these.

Oh, my gosh.

Big day.

Big day.

[gasps] Buy one, get one.

BOGO!

Rick should be happy I taught you how to stockpile.

Yeah, he doesn’t get any of this.

[sighs]

[gasps] Oh, lookee. I only need one more Colgate proof of purchase to get a free AT&T gift card.

You see that?

You think Rick knows how to pay a phone bill with toothpaste? No.

You’re winning.

Hey, did you know that winning actually changes the way your brain works?

Like, every time you win, you get a teensy bit smarter.

They call it the winner effect.

You know, basically, the more you win, the more you will win.

Winning becomes habit.

I really need a win.

[garbage rustling]

Yes!

You doing okay today, Greg?

You know, I read that if you’re lucky, you only get about 30,000 days on planet Earth.

Right.

That’s not a lot.

Maybe you should try to make every day count.

Total is $138.55.

Is it?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

It’s like a thousand coupons, man.

[register beeping]

[beeping intensifies]

Well, good for you, lady. You saved $122.10.

It is good for me, Greg. It is good for me.

“Watch the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves.”

All right.

Sorry about the wait.

Don’t be. That was impressive.

Change.

Your trophy.

[Connie] “Dear General Mills, I recently purchased a box of Wheaties cereal from my local A&G Family Mart here in Phoenix. When I opened it, I discovered, to my chagrin, that the cereal was stale. As a former Olympic athlete, I was very disappointed. ‘Breakfast of champions’? With cereal this stale, it’s more like ‘breakfast of chump-ions.'”

No shade, but, um, we both know the before we were working with.

But why don’t you take a little look at the after! [chuckles]

Oh, my God!

Wow.

Yes, girl! Look at you!

Who is that? Is that Halle Berry from 2002?

[both chuckle]

So what I’ve used here

is the Back-2-Black executive package.

I try to tell people, like, that white-girl makeup does not work for us.

You know what I mean? Okay.

Mm-hmm.

You need your own stuff.

So, do we have a sale?

Do you take credit cards?

Unfortunately, I can only accept cash.

I have a history with identity theft.

What?

[chuckling] No. Girl. No, no, no.

No, I did not steal anybody’s identity. No way.

I had my identity stolen. [sighs]

My credit’s trash. I can’t even walk into a bank.

Mmm.

It’s a whole thing. You don’t even need to worry about that right now, so…

I need to think about it.

[sighs]

[door closes]

[keys jangle]

Fun trip?

Fun? What’s fun about work?

Hey, what do you say we go out for a nice dinner tonight? Maybe sushi?

Sushi’s expensive.

Didn’t you say you had some kinda coupon thing from TGI Fridays?

Mm-hmm.

[commentator] Looks like the Arizona fans will stay on their feet as Harris steps to the plate with a chance to tie it up.

Pitch… Oh, inside! And near his head.

[ball bouncing]

[sighs]

Earl!

Hey there, JoJo.

You better not have a bunch of bills in there for me.

Ugh. Oof.

You got this?

Oh.

I don’t know nothing about this.

Okay. Damn.

Oh, I loved your new YouTube video, JoJo.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You know, I keep asking myself, “How does she do it?”

It’s like you can read my mind.

That’s ’cause I can. Come here.

I’m gonna tell you what you’re thinking. Look at me.

[heart thumping]

[chuckles]

Oh. Uh…

Oh, boy.

I’m just playing with you, Earl.

I can’t tell what you’re thinking.

I should be going.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bye!

I’m leaving. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.

Mm-hmm.

[Rick sighs]

You had a choice.

We could’ve been eating out at expensive and fancy places all the time.

Instead, you chose four rounds of IVF treatments.

You knew I wanted to quit after one, but…

You’re trying to replace what you lost with coupons.

Are you kidding me right now? We lost a baby.

Get out of this room.

And get a job.

[Connie breathes shakily]

[Dolly Parton’s “Light of a Clear Blue Morning”]

♪ It’s been A long, hard fight ♪

[Rick] Mail’s here.

♪ But I see A brand-new day dawning ♪

♪ I’ve been looking For the sunshine ♪

♪ You know I ain’t seen it in so long ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna work out Just fine ♪

♪ And everything’s gonna be All right ♪

♪ That’s been all wrong ♪

[sighs] Oh, my…

♪ ‘Cause I can see the light Of a clear blue morning ♪

See that, Greg?

“Watch the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves.”

Why do you always say that?

‘Cause it’s the little things that matter.

Mmm. Little things.

Like wasting your time writing a stupid complaint letter?

How did you know that?

You’re not special.

They always send you coupons for free shit when you bitch to the manufacturer.

♪ Now that I have won My freedom ♪

♪ Like an eagle I am eager for the sky ♪

♪ ‘Cause I can see The light ♪

[Connie] “Fifty percent less fat? More like 100% less flavor.”

“How about new and unimproved?”

“Your trash bags are garbage.”

“Your cookie isn’t soft, and it sure as heck ain’t chewy.”

“Your rising crust pizza falls flat.”

“If you meant for the cheese flavor to taste like feet,

then bravo, my friend, you nailed it.”

♪ Oh, everything’s gonna be All right ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna be All right ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna be All right ♪

♪ It’s gonna be all right ♪

♪ I can see the light Of a clear blue morning ♪

♪ I can see the light ♪

♪ Of a brand-new day ♪

[Connie] Okay, don’t… don’t peek. Okay.

[JoJo] Okay.

Okay, open.

[gasps]

What? No, Connie!

You told me you wrote that letter ’cause your cereal was stale.

Yeah.

So, what, the whole fucking house has gone stale?

Not exactly…

Oh, shit!

You got Cottonelle Ultra?

Yeah.

You got 36 family rolls for free?

Yeah.

That coupon’s worth, like, 40 bucks.

Well, you can get one too. Just write a letter to Cottonelle.

And say what? “Dear Cottonelle, your supersoft toilet paper scratched up my ass”?

Please, they’re not gonna believe me!

Or, better yet, just pay me for the coupon.

Okay.

Actually, how much would you pay me for this Cottonelle coupon?

Would you pay maybe half of what it’s worth?

Twenty bucks? Yeah, why not?

So you’d give me 20 bucks for this coupon that I got for free?

That’s quite a profit, don’t you think?

Imagine if we got more of these, and we sold them to people for half.

That would… That’d be a real business.

How is that a real business?

Even if you wanted to, how would you ever get enough to sell?

I think I know where we can get ’em in bulk.

Advanced Solutions works with the top Fortune 500 companies to handle all of your coupon printing needs.

Each week, when customers redeem your coupons, they’ll be sent back to our Advanced Solutions printing facility and coupon clearinghouse in Chihuahua, Mexico.

Chihuahua, Mexico. That’s not far from here.

Okay, Chihuahua. What’s your point?

That’s where all the coupons are.

So what, you want to rob the place?

No.

Oh. [chuckles]

No, no. Not rob. Just remove or just separate some.

No. No. Uh-uh. Are you crazy?

JoJo, I need you.

There’s no one better at selling people stuff.

Then how come I’m so broke?

Yeah. Exactly. It’s not fair.

Like, all you wanted was a successful business.

But because someone ruined your credit, you can never fix that?

And all I wanted was a baby, and I… now I gotta pay for that the rest of my life?

No one is gonna help us.

You know who gets rewarded?

People who don’t follow the rules.

It’s time we start bending ’em a little.

[JoJo] I want you to know you don’t have to keep selling me on it, ’cause I’m in.

[Connie] I’m just saying, you know, you lodge one complaint, they send you a free coupon.

They’re handing them out like hot cakes.

Mm-hmm.

And… And we’re just taking a few extra.

Mmm. Well, we’re stealing them.

And all we’re doing is making them more accessible.

By smuggling them.

That…

Honestly, these companies make bazillions of dollars, so it’s not like they’re gonna miss a couple of coupons.

I’m just telling you that it is stealing, smuggling and selling illegally.

It sounds bad when you say it like that.

It is bad, girl.

Well, don’t say it like that.

It doesn’t have to sound bad.

I think it’s gonna be good.

[sighs]

No, it’s gonna be good.

[Connie] It’s gonna be good. I can feel it.

[Ken] Hey, congratulations, Sunil.

Congrats on being a grandfather.

[Sunil] Thank you.

Not everybody’s got a…

Not everybody’s got a family.

[woman over PA] Attention, shoppers. If you have our club card, you can save 10% today in our deli department.

Get 10% off today in the deli department…

[Dave] No, just…

[female cashier] It’s still not working.

Yeah, I see that. Just punch it in manually and give her the coupon price.

Dave. Dave. Hold on. Wait.

Can I… Can I take a look at that before you make the transaction?

Before you punch it in.

Sorry, folks.

We’re just gonna be a minute. Alice will help you on one.

[Ken] Yeah. No. This is, uh, this is not a real coupon.

I-I don’t understand.

It’s a fake, ma’am.

How is it fake? Look, uh, who are you?

I am, uh, Ken Miller.

I’m the loss prevention officer for all the A&G Family Marts across the Southwest.

You’re lucky I was here today to spot this little guy.

Take a look here. See that expiration date?

Does that look familiar to you? November 31st?

It shouldn’t. There’s only 30 days in the month of November.

So whoever tried to replicate this little guy, clearly, they didn’t look at a calendar.

Probably out of China.

You know, they screw up the dates all the time. There’s always a flaw.

You know, if you know what to look for, it’s easy to spot.

Well, can you just make an exception?

I mean, we could just honor it, Ken, this one time.

She’s been coming here for, like, 150 years.

Yeah, I don’t care if she’s Dame Judi Dench, Dave.

You leave the food out, the critters will get it.

This is how this starts. I’m just saying.

Sorry to compare you to rodents, ma’am. I didn’t mean that.

I just mean to say that rules are rules. But if it helps, I…

If it helps? [scoffs] I have hemorrhoids.

You know what helps, honey? Preparation H.

Well, we’re happy to sell it to ya at full price.

[sniffs] Well, then why don’t you buy it?

Because you’re a giant asshole!

That’s a good one, ma’am.

But as Dave will attest, I’ve been told that before.

[exhales]

You should put that in the burn pile. See you, Dave. I’ll be back next month.

Hey, sorry. Um, would you mind if we switched seats, just for this last part?

She really likes to watch out the window as we land.

And it helps calm her down.

[chuckles] Mmm. Yeah.

No, even if I wanted to switch, I think it’s more important that your daughter learn a valuable lesson.

That’s not how the world works, you know. You don’t always get your way.

[woman scoffs] Are you for real, dude? [scoffs] Okay.

[breathing heavily]

[Ken sighs]

[sighs]

[whistles]

[yells] Fuck!

Fuck.

[male singer sings indistinctly]

[sighs]

So, what, we’re just gonna eeny, meeny, miny, mo,

pick some random dude and be like, “Could you steal for us?”

Yeah. We need someone on the inside.

We need an inside man.

[JoJo] Ooh, what about that guy? He looks like that badass dude from Machete.

Too sketchy.

We want sketchy.

We want him to help us, not chop us up into tiny pieces.

[JoJo] What about this Cesar Millan-looking motherfucker?

Too square.

We need that guy.

[JoJo] That guy? Why that guy?

[Connie] ‘Cause he’s already bending the rules.

[exhales]

Look at that. We got two for the price of one.

BOGO. [chuckles]

BOGO.

Are you interested in a way to make some more money?

No, that sounds creepy. Just be like, “Oh, hey, we have a”…

We have a business opportunity for you.

Yes, yes.

Okay. That’s better.

That’s it, that’s it.

[in Spanish]

Okay. Here goes nothing.

All right.

[inhales sharply]

[grunts]

[in Spanish]

Why is she running?

Shit! Shit, shit.

Oh, my God. Wait!

[in Spanish]

We have money. Money. Dinero. Dinero. We have it!

[in Spanish]

No! Dinero. We have dinero for you. We have it.

[in Spanish]

For you, yeah.

For me? Oh.

Yeah, man. Yeah.

[breathing heavily]

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

What is she doing?

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

[Alejandro] Oh, no, no, no!

[screams] Stop! What… [gasps]

[in Spanish]

Alejandro!

These women are trying to help us.

[speaks Spanish, groaning]

Uh.

It’s okay. It’s okay.

[gasps]

Oh!

[vomiting]

Okay, here we go.

[groans]

Hi.

Mmm. [speaks Spanish]

Okay, here we go. You good? Okay, here we go.

You never trail someone in Mexico. Ever.

You estúpida.

[insults in Spanish]

[grunts, groans]

My… My wife is angry. But she’s right.

[Rosa vomits]

She is angry.

And also… pregnant?

It is very early. But yes. [chuckles]

Oh, wow.

Minimum wage is only two dollars an hour.

Do you really have a way for us to make some money?

Wait, your wage is two dollars an hour? [scoffs]

That’s a crime. You gotta talk to somebody about that.

I should talk to my boss and ask for a raise?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, you should definitely talk to your boss.

Are you crazy? This company’s American.

They only moved here so they could take advantage of us.

That’s all the more reason you should hear us out.

These coupons. They all come from your factory, yes?

Sí, sí, we make all kinds of coupons.

We don’t need all kinds. Just the ones for free stuff.

Can you get more of these?

Are you asking me to steal?

Again, everyone is making it sound so [stammers] bad, but it’s… [stammers]

Technically, yes.

Yeah.

Uh. [chuckles]

[JoJo] Okay, okay.

It’s like Robin Hood, okay?

You are gonna take these coupons from this company that pays you chump change, and then we’re gonna get them to families who really need them.

She’s right. Do you have any idea how expensive diapers are? [scoffs]

And, obviously, you would be sharing in the profits.

[JoJo] Yeah.

La puta’s right.

But we don’t need your Robin Hood. We have Jesús Malverde.

He took from the rich and gave to the poor families.

We will follow in his footsteps.

Okay, yeah. Go with him. I mean, this dude is dope as hell. I love it.

Rosa, no.

[both speaking Spanish]

A wise man once said, “Family is not an important thing. It is everything.”

Was that Jesús Malverde as well?

It is the words of Michael J. Fox.

Michael J. Fox?

The damn actor?

Like, Marty McFly?

Doesn’t matter who said it, JoJo.

He’s right.

Michael J. Fox is right.

[sighs]

Okay. [chuckling]

Yes.

Yes?

I will do it.

[Connie] You will?

For real? Like for… Oh. Oh, wow.

I mean, ’cause it took me a while to get on board, and I know her.

You are ready, huh?

[breathes heavily]

And here is how we will do it.

[Alejandro] The factory is split in two. Printing and redemption.

And the right hand does not know what the left hand does.

Rosa works on the coupon redemption side.

All day counting used coupons, very tedious.

And I work on the print side.

It is man’s work. Heavy lifting, dangerous.

Just get to the point.

Don’t boss me. [inhales sharply]

Anyway. [chuckles]

With each coupon we print, there is always extra.

Even with the free coupons.

It is normal for us to destroy these extra coupons.

But no more.

Oh, Alejandro, you very sexy right now.

[inhales]

[Alejandro] Instead, I will send them to you.

Our trucks ship coupons all across the US.

And as for the border, this is no problem.

They stop drugs because there is a war on drugs.

But who cares about coupons?

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[Daphne Willis ft. Lonis’ “Work For It”]

[exhales] Gracias.

[chuckles]

Okay, Mama, just please be quiet, okay?

[Mama Josie] I ain’t saying a word. [chuckles]

Yo, yo, yo. It’s time to save with JoJo.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

[chuckles]

[Mama Josie] It’s you.

I have to start again now!

[JoJo] I’m getting my Cheetos fix thanks to my flamin’ hot site for coupons, savvysupersaver.com.

You get a bunch of coupons. All of them are gonna be half off, okay?

So, go there, get your coupons, make your savings, okay?

$47.99.

Whoa, look at that. Free!

Okay.

Hey, I got it.

Thank you, Earl.

Savvy Super Saver, huh?

Now, did I say save, or did I say save?

You get a free coupon! You get a free coupon!

You get a free coupon!

Keep an eye on that for me, okay?

[sighs] Okay. [sniffs]

[automated voice] You have 74 new voice messages. First voice message.

[corporate executive 1] I’m calling from General Mills about a fraudulent, um, uh, coupon for Cocoa Puffs.

[chuckles] Coupon for Cocoa Puffs.

That sounds funny, I guess. Anyway…

[corporate executive 2] There’s been a run on Schick razors.

In the past month, this one counterfeit coupon has cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[corporate executive 3] Uh, we’ve had, uh, several of your A&G stores attempting to redeem this counterfeit coupon for Huggies diapers.

There’s no flaw.

[corporate executive 4] If you’re looking at these redemption numbers, this is quickly becoming a serious issue.

Which is why we’re calling on all LPOs to look into these fraudulent Tide coupons.

[corporate executive 5] This is code red.

I’ve mailed you…

There’s no flaw.

…of the fraudulent coupon. If Gerber didn’t…

[Ken] Eleven days. No sleep. Just me and the receipts.

On a diet of coffee and heartburn.

The key was finding discounts that matched the coupons in question.

It was no small task.

Aha! Yes! [crying]

[Ken] Then, accessing our financial database, I was able to trace the credit card number back to you, back here.

And here we are today.

But you’re not a detective.

‘Cause you sort of look like a detective.

Detective… Do I look like a detective?

Huh. I’ll pocket that compliment for a rainy day.

I, uh, no, I work for A&G Family Mart.

Anyways, let’s cut to the Chevy Chase here.

If I ask a question, just assume I know the answer.

So, stick to the facts, would you, ma’am?

Spill it. Where’d you get the coupons?

Uh, okay.

Well, a friend sent me this video of this Black woman going on and on about all this stuff she got for half off

with these coupons from some website.

I’m sorry. I’m gonna stop you there.

You purchased these coupons off a website?

Do you have any idea how many Cheerios a one-year-old goes through?

Well, what’s the name of this website?

Uh, Super Snappy Saver?

Super Snazzy something.

Snazzy Super Saver.

Uh… [sighs]

I remember thinking, “What a dumb name.”

Yeah. Sp-Speedy Shopper? Could that be it?

Speedy Shopper? No. That’s not even close.

Well, I’m trying to be helpful.

You said you already knew the answers.

[baby crying]

I-I know a lot of ’em, but the point…

One minute.

[Crystal] Savvy!

S… Are you talking to me, ma’am?

[Crystal] Savvy Super Saver.

Savvy, is that one V or two?

Oh, no, I guess one would be “savy.” So it’s two. Two V’s.

“Watch the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves.”

[scoffs] Savvy Super Saver.

[sighs]

My hands hurt. [sighs]

We’re filling hundreds of orders a day.

Don’t you feel like this is all happening way too fast?

No, fast is good. Fast is…

Oh, crap.

What?

Frozen? No. No.

Connie, I told you this is all happening too fast!

I’m like, “Whoop, whoop, whoop!”

Alarm bells are just going off in my mind.

Let me refresh it.

So just…

Okay, close the page. Start again.

Did we lose all that money?

I don’t know.

Fuck!

[sighs]

[Connie] Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, yep. So…

[sighs]

Abnormally large amounts of money in the account. Right. [chuckles]

[sighs]

Okay, and… and how do we unfreeze it?

[Connie] Uh-huh.

Oh, so we just have to prove that it’s a legitimate business.

Okay. Got it.

Yes.

[exhales deeply]

All good. Okay. Okey dokey. Thanks so much. Bye.

I knew this was too good to be true.

Is it though? [inhales]

The PayPal rep made it seem simple enough.

We just need someone who’s had experience with this sort of thing.

Like selling stolen shit for abnormally large amounts of money.

Like that sort of thing?

Exactly.

Oh, okay. [sighs]

What about that girl who stole your identity?

Tempe Tina? Really?

You wanna go to the little brat who ruined my entire life?

[sighs]

JoJo…

Girl, this is unnecessary.

I know, but we need her.

What the fuck is this about?

Just to clear the air, the shit I did to you as a kid, that was a side gig, okay.

I dabble in the dark web.

Okay, well, just to clear the air on my side, just so you know, after that little stunt you pulled, I went to the police.

They didn’t help me.

That’s true.

I went to social security. They didn’t believe me.

And I went to my bank. And guess what?

Those motherfuckers didn’t trust me.

[JoJo] Girl, you know, I had so much debt because of you.

I had to move back home with my mama.

You know how embarrassing that shit is? I’m a grown-ass woman.

I’m really sorry about that.

I-I really… I had no idea.

[JoJo] Yeah, well, okay.

Electric car?

What?

Is this an electric car? It’s just so quiet, isn’t it?

I mean, I’ve never been blindfolded before, and it’s true what they say.

All your other senses are so heightened.

[JoJo] Ooh…

Did we just go over train tracks?

I felt that.

Did you feel that?

Yeah.

They are heightened, I…

[chuckles] That’s so weird.

Are you eating Juicy Fruit? The gum. Is that what you eatin’?

You smell that? Oh, I love Juicy Fruit.

Oh, I haven’t had it in forever.

Me either. Me either.

Can you guys just shut the fuck up?

[JoJo] Okay, rude.

My specialty is cybersecurity.

You guys have any idea what that means?

No. Not a clue.

No.

Okay. Governments and global corporations deal with security attacks every single day.

My job is to identify ’em, prevent ’em,

or, if they pay me enough, to create ’em.

Humblebrag.

[chuckles]

[Tempe Tina] How the fuck did you make this kind of coin from coupons?

Take ’em off.

Whew.

[sighs]

You can’t have this much money flowing in a single account.

I can unfreeze this for you, but we gotta spread this shit out.

I’m talking MoneyPak, PayPal, Venmo, Google Pay.

[scoffs]

Okay, wow. [chuckles]

You’re cashing in with this craptacular site, Savvy Super Saver?

It was a template.

Right.

And the site isn’t savvy, the shoppers are.

There we go. That part.

The site is registered to a Charles Barkin from Hackensack.

Charlie Barkin. It’s from All Dogs Go to Heaven.

And the address is a Petco in New Jersey.

Boom.

Well, look at you. We got ourselves a couple of queenpins in the making.

Damn, you hear that?

Mm-hmm.

We queenpins, bitch. [chuckles]

[giggles]

[Tempe Tina] Relax, ’cause it’s still way too easy to trace back to you.

Is there anything else I should know about?

Yo, yo, yo. It’s time to save with JoJo.

You know what makes your booty so fine?

Half-off booty from savvysupersaver.com.

Seriously?

You see, my YouTube’s a part of my brand, so…

That’s 48 real rolls, okay, y’all?

Head over to Savvy Super Sa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Where you go, girl?

Trust me, nobody gives a bag of dicks about your brand.

What you guys need is a front for your business.

All of this money is dirty, so don’t go spending dough on shit you can’t write off.

Give it six months, and make sure it ain’t Alarm-ageddon out there.

You got that? And to start, we need aliases, and lots of ’em.

From there, we open up bank accounts, apply for credit cards, and don’t be doing this shit at home.

Rent a stash house, okay?

And from now on, use this. It’s an IronKey.

It’s military-grade encryption. Just stick it in your USB.

Uh, for my help, I take 10% of everything you make.

Girl, what?

Well, I’m worth it.

[sighs]

The good news is, ladies, is you are entering a real growth industry, okay.

Pink-collar crime, it’s fly as fuck right now.

We get you square, and this coupon hustle, it’s gonna pay off in a big, big way.

Could you say it all again and, like, much slower?

I don’t know what half those things you said were.

And do you have a pad and pen maybe?

Pen and paper, yeah.

Or give me my phone back. I’ll take notes.

Just to write it down.

No. No.

We don’t got it, but we got it.

We will wing it.

[Ken] Yeah, I mean, you and me are…

We’re standing on the tip of the iceberg here.

Ah, it’s probably just… [sighs] …China.

Oh. Can’t be China.

Why not China?

Ah, no, China’s just… You gotta trust me on this one.

I mean these… these are gall-damn perfect.

You know this… China couldn’t pull this one off. No.

These… It’s all in the file folder.

I mean, the, uh, coupon warning sheets…

Yeah. Okay.

…the website, the interview with the mother.

It’s… It’s… It’s a real bombshell.

Yeah.

Don’t say bombshell in an FBI building.

I thought maybe don’t say bomb.

Don’t say bomb anything.

Sorry.

What’s wrong with you?

No, I just… I’m trying to relay the severity of the case.

I just, uh…

This is a crisis at a national level.

This is my Pelican Brief.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Ken? Ken, okay.

Yes, sir.

Ken, you have my attention. You have her attention.

Oh. Hey.

I think we should run this up the chain to HQ.

That’s, uh, it’s good to hear that.

Yeah.

‘Cause, I mean, that’s great.

Uh, we’re gonna need a whole team working on this thing.

Yep, yep. Mm-hmm.

Is… Do you do tours?

Uh, we d… We don’t.

Well, you got my card. I gave you my card and that.

Yeah, we got your card.

We got your email.

Email.

We got your… your snail mail. We got everything.

[chuckles] Trust me, trust me.

[Ken] That’s good.

You’re going to be hearing from DC real soon. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks so much, guys. This is fun.

Thank you.

Appreciate it, uh…

We’ll do it again.

Ken. See you, Ken.

Who the fuck let that kook in here? I mean, come on. Coupons? Coupons?

Dealing with national security, terrorism, and this nutbag is babbling on about coupons.

I can’t… Just… Here.

Why don’t we let that shit get lost in DC?

[Ken] This is Ken Miller.

Salt Lake City referred my coupon case to HQ.

Uh, whether I gotta fax or email or what have you, uh, you let me know, ’cause I would love to get in touch with, uh, you guys and gals, whoever’s working the beat.

All right. Ken Miller.

Looking for someone?

[clerk] I was told to find the lowest rung on the ladder. Is that you?

[sighs]

[clerk] This is for you.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Nice truck!

Nice new house!

So big!

Thank you. [chuckles]

Had to rent it for the business.

[Ken] Uh, just leaving message number umpteenth.

Uh, hoping y’all are gonna give me a call back.

I am sitting here waiting. I think you know my number by now.

Okay, what’s with all the free fucking coupons?

[in Spanish]

Hey, this is Ken Miller.

I… [sighs] Shit.

I just spilled some coffee. I’m gonna call you guys back.

This is Ken. Just checking in again.

Um, Miller, it’s Ken Miller.

The “I” still stands for investigation, right?

[pants] It’s been six months!

[chuckles] I know.

Today’s the day we finally get to spend our money!

I know. Hey, I added up everything in all of our accounts.

Mm-hmm.

You wanna know what we’ve got?

[clears throat]

5,230,000…

What?

…and 55 cents.

We’re millionaires!

I know! [laughing]

We’re filthy fucking rich!

[screams]

♪ Hey, Dirty ♪

What?

♪ Baby, I got your money Don’t you worry ♪

♪ I said hey ♪

Sing it!

♪ Baby, I got your money Hey Dirty ♪

♪ Baby, I got your money Don’t you worry ♪

Hey.

Wait. Dirty.

Didn’t Tempe Tina say that all the money is dirty?

What?

[sighs] We still have to clean it.

Fuck!

[sighs]

Did she? Wha… [sighs] Call her ass up.

[sighs]

[voice recording] We’re sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have re…

Think she’s using a burner phone?

What do we do now? I’m a multimillionaire and I can’t spend any of my money?

That’s fucking bullshit.

Wait a minute.

Rick.

What about him?

Rick is always griping to me about how these different companies hide their money.

They funnel money through, like, offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Honestly, I try to tune out all of the audit talk, but there was this one story about this comptroller guy in Tacoma, Washington, who embezzled $25 million.

And the only reason I remember is because his name was Guy Rich.

Guy Rich?

That’s what I said.

Rick was like, “Yeah.”

Anyway, he said that Guy’s stupidity actually helped him.

‘Cause he didn’t know anything about the Cayman Islands account.

So what he did instead was bought a bunch of stuff.

And then he went out and sold it, and whatever he made from selling it was clean.

JoJo, we need to get all of our money out of these different bank accounts, buy a bunch of expensive stuff and then sell it.

And all the money we make from selling it will be clean.

Will be clean.

Okay. All right.

But you can’t just walk into a bank and take out a shitload of money.

Can you?

Ooh. Girl, we are gonna get you together.

Really? This dress with that blazer?

Yes! A hundred percent! Just trust me, okay?

[JoJo] Just let JoJo work her magic.

Yes!

[sighs]

♪ All right ♪

♪ Jump up, get it ♪

♪ Hey! Devil with the blue dress Blue dress, blue dress ♪

♪ Devil with the blue dress on ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Devil with the blue dress Blue dress, blue dress ♪

♪ Devil with The blue dress on ♪

♪ Fee, fee, fi, fi Fo-fo, fum ♪

Hi. Joseph Johnson, please.

Straight ahead through that door.

♪ Wearin’ her wig hat And shades to match ♪

♪ Her high-heeled shoes And an alligator hat ♪

[bank manager 1] And you must be Melissa.

Very nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

I’ll be honest with you, Melissa.

I was pretty suspicious at first.

You moving around this kind of money.

With this being a border state, we’re extra vigilant, Nancy, because we’re dealing with some pretty dangerous people.

Lucky for us, Stephanie, the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network has established dollar amount thresholds to guard against money laundering.

But obviously you’re not the cartel.

You’re not hiring mules, smuggling what have you across the border.

No, no. You’re just a hardworking, successful, female entrepreneur.

Now, your business. What is Back-2-Black exactly?

[clicks tongue] It’s a cosmetics line for… [clicks tongue] …people of color.

People of color?

Huh.

Well, if there’s a demand, why not you? [chuckles]

Hey, Barbara, we’re gonna need some help carrying Ms. Russell’s money over here.

Let’s go get you your money.

Will hundreds be a problem?

Super-duper.

[breathing heavily and sighing]

Oh, my God.

Look at all this money.

I know.

How are we gonna clean it all?

You know we gotta go shopping. What would a guy buy with all this cash?

Yeah. Like, what would Rick buy?

[phone vibrates]

[Rick sighs]

What’s up? I’m kind of in the middle of something.

Hey, quick question.

What would I buy if money was no object?

Why are you asking me? You know what, doesn’t matter.

I guess I would buy a Lamborghini.

[auto dealer] And finally, the Lamborghini Urus merges the soul of a sports car with the functionality of an SUV.

You truly can’t call yourself a real American till you’ve been behind the wheel of a Marathon Coach built on a Prevost chassis.

[JoJo] How much for this one?

This beauty is priced at $265,000.

Oh, uh, don’t forget the boat.

Oh, yeah. How much for the boat?

What do you say, ladies? Which one do you want?

We’ll take them all.

Whoo!

Whoo!

You know, every A&G store in America is affected as well, so I hear ya.

I hear ya.

[corporate executive] Do you, Ken?

Do you understand the trickle-down if corporations like us don’t make money?

We can’t pay taxes. Then suddenly the roads aren’t getting fixed.

Teachers are losing their jobs.

Before you know it, John Q. Public is getting mugged at gunpoint, maybe gang-raped.

[clicks tongue] Uh…

And where are the cops? There are no more cops.

Okay, Craig, I…

Oh, 7:00 a.m.

Yeah, one sec, Craig. I gotta call you back.

[corporate executive 2] We’re supposed to be the good guys here, giving everybody a great deal. Shit…

Yeah. Hey, you know, Bill, I… I actually got another call coming in.

I’m going to switch over, okay?

It’s a goddamn priority we find out who…

Hello?

[Albert] Oh, hi. Yes, I’m calling for Ken Miller.

[Ken sighs] Speaking.

Ken, hi. My name is Albert Anderson.

I’m calling from the Federal Bureau of Investigations about your counterfeit coupon case.

[Ken] Thank God you’re calling me. Hey, wait a sec.

I have been calling you guys, leaving messages ad nauseam, and here you are, finally getting back to me.

This is “real soon”? Let me tell you what.

We need boots on the ground ASAP right now. Okay, bud?

Uh, I’m an intelligence analyst working out of a sub-subbasement.

My field experience is literally zero.

Yeah, that sounds about right. You got to be fucking kidding me.

Unfortunately, no. But I am calling you because I think I can help.

Yeah, don’t… don’t let me stop ya.

Give me the master plan here, bub.

Okay, uh, well, this Savvy Super Saver website.

Now, the interface is complete amateur hour, but the problem is with the site’s back end.

I’ve used every possible tool at my disposal and I am meeting nothing but dead ends.

The IP address is untraceable, there’s no analytics, no cookie trails.

Guess what I’m trying to say is… none of it really adds up.

[inhales] Okay, so how’s that supposed to help me, Albert?

Oh, well, I guess it doesn’t. But, um…

The fuck, Albert? Talking about cookie trails.

I don’t know this shit.

Do you realize that these counterfeit coupons, tens of thousands of ’em, have been mailed out all over the country?

And I’m the one who’s supposed to…

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

Did you say mail?

Like, postal, snail mail, not by email?

Mail. Like… Like through the post office.

Okay. Help is on the way.

Yeah, you’re gonna have those boots on the ground within 48 hours.

[chuckles] Okay, so now we’re talking. Now what are we…

And he hung up. Goddamn.

Ken Miller?

Oh, yeah. And you are?

Simon Kilmurry, US postal inspector.

Oh, with the Federal Bureau…

US… Sorry, say that again?

I’m with the US Postal Service.

[sighs]

The Postal Service? No. No, no. They said that they were sending the FBI.

This is unacceptable. They… I…

So what do you do? You, like, carry mail around or something?

That would be a mailman. They carry the mail. I carry a gun.

[inhales] This company, Kimberly-Clark, issues just under a thousand of these coupons.

As of this week, over 15,000 of them have been redeemed.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, we can’t tell the difference between the real, legitimate coupons and the counterfeits.

Well, I do appreciate you contacting the FBI, but the postal inspectors will take it from here.

I appreciate your initiative, but this is my case. All right?

You’re gonna need me on this one.

You can’t just waltz in here and take the food off my plate.

This is my thing. This is my deal. Unless you wanna be partners.

We could be partners on this.

No. No, we can’t be partners.

And you wanna know why we can’t be partners?

‘Cause I’m a federal law enforcement officer.

I carry a firearm, I solve crimes, and I arrest people.

You’re a private citizen who chases around 15-year-old girls for lifting packs of Juicy Fruit.

That’s one thing I do of many.

I-I know coupons. I live coupons.

So what happened when you tried to order some off the website?

What are you… I didn’t.

So you’ve done nothing?

I did someth…

I did a lot of things. I did… [inhales]

You know what I did? Here’s what the fuck I did.

I called the FBI, and I said, “Can you help me out?”

They said, “Sure, boots on the ground.” And then they brought me a postman.

All right, Ken, I tell you what. You seem to know a lot about coupons.

So, why don’t you order some off the website, and they’ll come in the mail.

And then we can all see where they’re from.

But, uh, just to be clear so there’s good boundaries in place, we’re not partners.

[inhales sharply] But what about you making me, uh, some sort of a deputized citizen or something?

Just from a placard standpoint.

A deputized citizen?

Yeah.

So what am I doing? Am I forming a posse here?

No, I’m sorry. It’s…

What’s your action item?

My… My actionable item?

What is your action item?

Action item is to order the coupons off the website.

That’s a good i… That was a good idea too.

Oh, yes.

Guns? No. No way.

Not happening. Never.

We can go to Shake Baby after and get a milkshake.

What has the best resale value?

We’re looking for a good investment.

All right, well, that’d probably be this here.

This is a KelTec KSG tactical shotgun.

It’s pump-action. Right?

Now y’all seen John Wick, right? John Wick movies?

Yes. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah.

There ain’t no better commercial for a gun than a John Wick movie.

The moment Keanu used this sexy bad boy, the price just went straight through the roof.

Is it cheaper if we buy them in bulk?

[both slurping]

[swallows] Ah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That probably shouldn’t have been that easy.

♪ F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S ♪

♪ Everyday like, “Who dat girl?” ♪

Champagne?

♪ I’m the cause of Everybody’s concern ♪

♪ Makin’ them heads turn Like whoo ♪

♪ Oh, my gosh, I feel fabulous ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Share all the love There’s more than enough ♪

Oh. Ah!

Oh, yeah!

Coupons! Coupons!

Coupons! Coupons!

♪ It’s time to put Yourself first, don’t stop Believing your worth ♪

[JoJo] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

What are you going to do with your half of the money?

Oh, okay.

Um, I’m gonna pay off Mama Josie’s mortgage…

Mmm, mm-hmm.

…hire her a live-in housekeeper, and then, I don’t know.

I wanna go somewhere exotic. Like somewhere with a beach.

You know?

Mmm.

What about you? What are you gonna do with your share?

Well…

Okay. You want to hear something crazy?

Always.

I made an appointment at the fertility clinic.

And I know it’s a long shot, but I just figured, why not? You know?

Yeah, okay. [chuckles] Uh… What did Rick say?

I didn’t tell Rick.

I was kinda hoping you’d go with me.

Connie. Of course! You know I gotta go.

You will? [chuckles]

Yes!

‘Cause when this little girl asks her auntie JoJo the story of her life, I’m gonna say, “Girl, this all started with a coupon.”

[chuckles]

Okay, so what we got here is a address for a pet store, a Petco in Kansas.

I Google Mapped it.

The nearest airport is Kansas City, Missouri.

So I took the liberty of booking us a little red-eye flight over there.

Booked us? Okay.

Ken, we are not doing this. We are not…

Kansas, huh? Did you check the postage?

What, like the stamp?

Well, there is no stamp.

They’re using an online postage service, which also means there’s no postmark.

Okay, so… Okay, so the zip code on the postmark and the zip code on the return address, well, they don’t match.

So, the return address, well, that’s Kansas, anything starting with 6-6.

And the postage, 8-5-0-1-3, anything starting with 8-5, that’s Arizona.

And the last three digits, 0-1-3, that’s Phoenix.

So screw what the return address says.

These things were mailed…

Mailed from Phoenix. That’s impressive. Holy shit.

[stammers] I’m sorry.

Did you actually memorize the zip code for every city in the country?

I’m a postal inspector, Ken.

And all things being equal, the simplest explanation tends to be the right one.

Oh, my God.

So if those things were mailed out of Phoenix, then the criminal outfit behind these are…

From Phoenix.

…also in Phoenix.

Yeah, that’s… You gotta let me in on this thing.

I’m Mr. Phoenix. I’m there every month.

There’s nine A&G stores in the area. I can help.

Ken, we’ve been through it.

Please, come on.

All right. I shouldn’t be doing this.

What are you…

Okay.

Put your left hand on my badge and raise your right hand.

Oh, holy shit. Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

Repeat after me.

I, Ken Miller, do solemnly swear… I, Ken Miller, do solemnly swear…

That I’m being fucked with.

That I’m being… Oh, fuck you, man. Come on!

What did you think was gonna happen?

I don’t know.

I don’t have the power to make you a deputy on anything. We’ve talked about it.

Thought you might give me a chance. I thought maybe you would… [sighs]

Okay, listen. Y-You’re right.

Fifteen years I’ve spent tracking lowlifes shoving shit in their pockets. I get it.

But it’s a real case. I… I… [sighs]

I thought you’d give me a chance at doing something that actually mattered.

I… Oh, shit.

Maybe you can help.

You do know Phoenix, and you already gave me a really good lead with those coupons.

And I don’t want you to feel bad.

ATF, DEA, FBI, most of those assholes would already be on a plane to Kansas by now.

But you can’t cheat the mail.

[Dr. Girard] And you can’t cheat Father Time.

There is a price to pay for all your training over the years.

[inhales deeply] I hate to say it. This is… [sighs] …your last shot.

Well…

I’m egg-cited to give it a go.

[chuckles]

Egg humor. [chuckles] Well, here’s one for you.

Uh, last time we tried this, your average yield was only four or five eggs.

Whew. [clears throat] Damn, girl.

But the good news is that we still have some of Rick’s sperm from last time. So…

Uh, do we have to use his sperm?

[chuckles] Well, no, but…

I mean, he is your husband.

Yeah, I think we’d like to shop around.

Okay, so there’s no photos?

[nurse] No photos.

It feels like a huge flaw in the system.

[nurse] Aw.

What about that one?

Oh. Well, let’s take a closer look.

Geez.

This donor was very active. We have over 400 vials.

400?

[nurse chuckles] Yeah.

6’2″, high IQ, extremely high motility levels.

Ooh.

His little guys are like Olympic swimmers.

Olympic?

[nurse] Uh-huh.

Hello, Mr. Baby Batter.

[chuckles]

[gasps] You know what?

I bet a lot of women can’t afford high-quality sperm.

[Connie] We could get it to them at a discount price.

Do you take cash?

Did we just spend $330,000 on one man’s sperm?

[chuckles]

You know, I bet we’ll be the first people to launder money selling semen.

[cell phone buzzing]

Right?

[chuckles] I don’t know.

[Connie] Getting a call from Switzerland.

Weird.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Tina.

Are… Are you in Switzerland?

Oh, no, right. You’re here.

Oh, you’re here, here.

Yeah, okay. Uh, we’ll be out in a jiff.

She’s here.

Oh.

Tempe, Juicy Fruit?

[Tempe Tina] Any idea why I brought you guys here?

No.

No.

Where the fuck is all your money?

Oh, that. We…

Oh.

[Connie] Um, relax.

[JoJo] Girl, we got it.

We took care of everything. I mean, we’re self-starters.

We’re queenpins. Remember you said?

That’s who you’re looking at.

You said it.

“Queenpins.” [chuckles]

We’re cleaning it!

Okay. And, uh, why are you cleaning it?

Because it’s… dirty.

It’s dirty, Tina.

You don’t have any dirty money. Do you know why?

‘Cause your front company Back-2-Black’s sole purpose is to clean your money.

So, you’re… you’re telling us that w…

Wait.

That we don’t…

All the fucking money is already clean?

Oh, my God.

I’m just, like, over you guys.

Can I be honest?

Yeah.

I wish you would’ve let me write…

That’s what I’m saying.

You didn’t let her write it down, so we didn’t know.

I asked for a pad. You said it was dirty. I got home. I…

All right. You’re gonna go to the bank every couple of days.

Just take the money in small increments. Okay?

And put it in the bank in small increments.

Can you do that? And not fuck that up?

We can… That’s something we can totally do.

We st… We, um… [stammers]

We still have some of it left, but…

We bought a few things.

[Tempe Tina] A few things?

You guys said a few things. This is not a few things.

This is a big red flag. You need to sell this shit now.

Okay. Yeah.

We also bought a bunch of guns.

[Tempe Tina] Guns? Where are you gonna sell guns?

We’re gonna figure that out.

Or eBay.

Or eBay.

Was my first thought.

There’s nothing more important than the mail, Ken.

People put pen to paper with their innermost thoughts.

And then they seal it in an envelope, and they put a stamp on it.

They trust us with their secrets, and we deliver.

Yeah, no, I guess…

I have a hard time believing anybody gives a hoot when they get a letter in the mail.

[scoffs] Yeah.

I have a feeling that Leo F. Sullivan gave a hoot about getting a letter in the mail.

Marked October 16th, 1918.

[clears throat]

“Dear Mary,

I received two of your letters a couple weeks ago, and they brought the usual amount of good cheer. Those letters made the trip with me to the front, and now all I have to do is put my hand in my pocket, and there you are. I spoke to Father Tom Holbrook about my big desire within to return to you and the ache in my heart to meet our little Irene and hold her in my arms. I took my last confession and now head out to battle with a clear conscience and a heart full of thoughts of you, my dear, sweet Mary.

As ever I remain, Leo F. Sullivan.”

[breathes deeply]

I think some people do care about getting a letter, Ken.

Wait, wha… what happened?

What do you mean what happened?

Did he make it?

You know, did he, um… did he survive the battle?

Doesn’t matter if Leo made it or Leo didn’t make it.

What matters is that the letter survived. The letter made it.

And it’s something that we take very seriously.

Yeah, I get that. I just…

It’s hard not to think about the Sullivan family.

What… Whatever happened to Mary? Did she become a widow?

Ken. Ken, it was a hundred years ago.

All the Sullivans are probably dead.

I wonder. Did he ever get to hold Irene?

Are these relatives of yours? Are they…

I think we’re all related in some ways. Don’t you, Ken?

Hmm?

[alarm chirps]

[Ken] Welcome to Phoenix.

5,000 square miles of hot-as-shit desert, suburban sprawl.

Yeah, well, some haystacks are bigger than others, but the bad guys are out there.

Trouble for them, they decided to do bad things through the mail.

Now we’re gonna handle this the post office way.

Yeah, I kinda wish you hadn’t read me that letter.

I can’t stop thinking if that guy survived or not.

Oh, Ken, you’re missing the point of it.

[captain] …where the temperature is currently 89 degrees, southwest winds…

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey. What’s going on around here?

Did we get a new TV?

[chuckles] I can’t get anything past you.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

You know, you telling me to get a job was exactly the push I needed to realize I could do better.

So I marched out there, and I got a job.

A job doing what?

Sales. Just a boring old sales job.

You know, filling orders and stuffing envelopes mostly.

And the couponing? What’s going on with that?

Oh, I don’t use coupons anymore.

You’re shitting me.

I hope you don’t mind.

I used my first paycheck to buy you your 4K TV.

Why would I mind? I mean… [chuckles]

…got a brand-new TV and a brand-new wife.

Yep. Connie 2.0.

Enjoy.

Are you sure you don’t wanna discuss this with your husband

before I implant the embryos?

Remember, I can’t un-bake the cake.

Dude. It’s her body. It’s her choice.

No.

We didn’t use any of his ingredients.

He doesn’t deserve a piece of my cake.

[store manager] You all know Ken Miller, the store’s LPO.

And with him is Simon Kilmurry.

He’s an FBI agent who wants to ask you…

A postal inspector.

What’s that?

I’m a US postal inspector.

Oh. He’s a postal inspector, whatever that means.

We’re just looking for any customers with strange coupon habits, any irregular coupon activity, uh, frequency of use, any customers who have unusually high savings.

First of all, people literally forget you’re even a human being.

Then she’s gonna lecture me on how plastic bags are killing our planet like I’m the asshole who invented plastic.

We call her the “Oh, wait. I have a coupon” lady ’cause she only remembers she has a coupon in her hand after she’s paid.

We call him “Mr. Bullshit” ’cause he makes you check in the back for stuff.

And every time we tell him we’re out, he always screams out, “Bullshit!” Yeah.

Well, I guess that’s it. Hope it helps.

Oh, wait. We do have one other cashier.

I call her the “Crazy Coupon Lady.”

Got this smile plastered across her face, ridiculous amount of coupons in her hand every time.

And, of course, everybody’s backed up, waiting, waiting, waiting.

And they’re getting pissed at me. At me! [chuckles]

And the worst part…

Okay.

…she had this fucking catchphrase, okay, this little saying she would spew at me every time before she left.

“Watch the pennies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

And I’m like…

I’m sorry, I gotta back you up there.

Did you say… Was the phrase, “Watch the pennies, and then the dollars will take care of themselves”?

Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly it.

Okay, we’re connecting then now. We’re connecting here.

So let me ask you this. What is her name? What is this woman’s name?

I don’t know her name, man. I fucking hate her.

But you’ve done the transactions. You see the card.

I’m sure you got her name, right?

Crazy Coupon Lady.

Description. What does she look like?

She’s, like, three feet tall.

Call a sketch artist!

Okay.

We gotta have somebody down here.

Can you stay there for a second?

Ken, Ken. I’d like to talk to you for just a minute.

This is good. Don’t forget the…

Remember where we were at.

Come on. Let’s go.

You can’t be screaming at him.

What did you scream at the guy, “Call a sketch artist”?

Yeah, I…

Who do you think she is, Keyser Söze?

Ken, just take it down a notch.

Slow it all down. Okay?

I’m slowing it down, and I’m going to slowly tell you exactly what happened there.

He gave us the seed that’s gonna become the fucking branches, okay?

That lady, that’s the gal.

What does it…

That’s the gal! That phrase. Did you not hear it?

“Watch the pennies. Dollars take care of themselves.” That’s…

I mean, that is literally plastered on the Savvy Super Saver website.

Okay. Well, that is interesting. That’s helpful.

And did you know that your average shopper travels 2.27 miles to their nearest local grocery store?

Is that true? Are you right about that?

Yeah. That’s a fact.

If you are, that means our haystack just went from 5,000 square miles down to a two-mile radius…

We’re shrinking it.

…and we should get boots on the ground. Look at me.

[sighs]

That’s good, Ken. That’s great.

[sighs] Thanks.

Now do it without the screaming, okay?

It’s just passion. I’m a passionate man.

You can be passionate without being an idiot.

[camera clicking]

Whew.

[JoJo] Hey.

Hi.

Ugh, girl, eBay is a bust.

It’s just too much. I can’t sell it fast enough.

What are we gonna do? It’s not like we can have a yard sale for all this shit.

[chattering]

We are investigating a counterfeit coupon ring that we believe is operating somewhere within your postal routes.

Now, the mail that’s being picked up is primarily envelopes with a Kansas return address and marked “Savvy Super Saver.”

Suspect is a Caucasian female, late 30s, approximately 5’1″.

One witness described her as overly cheerful with a superiority complex.

She may or may not have accomplices.

Hey, Earl, what about that gal you won’t stop blabbing about?

Um, not sure I know what he’s talking about.

You know, the girl. She makes all these coupon videos.

I’m sorry. Did you say “coupon videos”?

[chuckles] I don’t know nothing about nobody, uh…

The girl. Yeah, she lives over on, uh, Clayton Avenue.

What’s her name? Uh, Coco? JoJo? It’s JoJo, right? Or is it Coco?

Hold on. You said she’s Caucasian? Whoopsie-daisy. Never mind.

She’s a Black gal. A Black woman. Lady. So…

Oh, shit. Look. These open carry dudes.

[woman] Hi. Do you have oat milk?

[barista] Oat milk is over there.

[sighs]

Oh. Maybe they want to buy our guns?

[barista] Morning. What can I get for you two?

[man 1] Hey, what’s up, baby?

Let me grab a skinny caramel macchiato.

[JoJo whispering] Connie.

[man 2] Large coffee. Black.

[whispering] What are you doing?

Mmm.

[JoJo sighs]

Nice.

Couldn’t help but notice. Are you fellas part of some sort of gun club?

Just practicing our right to bear arms…

Oh, okay.

…while we pick up coffee.

I got two macchiatos for Stephanie.

Oh, that’s me.

Stephanie. Hiya. And you are?

Hey.

I’m Rattlesnake.

That’s catchy. Rattlesnake.

Sandman.

That’s a good one too.

Hey, I was wondering…

We don’t know where we’re going. We don’t know who these people are.

Yes, we do. He dropped me a pin.

Oh, he dropped you a pin.

Yeah.

So we know… We’re good now. That’s it.

JoJo.

What do you want me to say? It’s not like we can have a yard sale, okay?

And you just do what you do on your sales calls, like you taught me.

You make the customer the hero.

The hero?

Yeah.

These guys could be KKK, Aryan Brotherhood, anything.

[grunts] And you want me to make them the heroes?

I highly doubt that, okay? Did you see what Rattlesnake ordered?

A caramel macchiato doesn’t sound very KKK to me.

Am I in any kind of trouble here, or…

Well, it’s kind of up to you, Earl.

You gonna dance with the tiger?

You gonna play some ball?

I’m sorry…

I’m not quite sure who the tiger is that someone would be dancing with, Earl.

Are you? [chuckles]

[chuckles] No, sir.

It’s about cooperation.

Do you mind if I call you Earl?

Oh, no. No problem.

Earl, how long have you been with the post office?

Oh, well, it’s going on eleven years now.

Eleven years.

And have you had the same route for most of it?

Oh, yes, sir. That’s how I like it.

Okay. And probably getting pretty close to your pension here?

Oh, you bet. Yes.

Who’s the Earl, girl?

[grunts]

Who’s the girl, Earl?

Whoa, am I under arrest here?

No, you’re not under arrest. God, that was loud. It scared me too.

But we need some answers.

The guy out there is talking about coupon videos.

You seem to not know a darn thing about it.

That had nothing to… I don’t know what he was talking about.

You might want to talk to Adam, ’cause I have no idea about any girl…

Adam. What’s his last name?

Phillips.

Adam Phil… Two L’s?

You’re not giving me enough here!

I think it’s pretty clear that Earl doesn’t know anything.

I think your coworker must have got his signals crossed somehow.

Yes, sir.

Unfortunately, there is one kind of uncomfortable question pertaining to this.

Yes, sir.

Have you ever danced with a tiger?

[both laugh]

It was his joke. It wasn’t…

Tiger dance.

What are you… Don’t dance.

Anyway, thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Sure thing. No problem.

Sorry about the confusion.

Oh, no. It’s cool.

Have a good time out there.

The hell was that? I had him on the ropes.

Screaming at somebody doesn’t make ’em tell you the truth.

He could’ve been sweating bullets. I had him bent, man.

Let’s agree to disagree. We’re gonna go for a ride.

[Mama Josie] Hey, Earl!

Oh, hey! [chuckles]

There you go. Yeah.

Uh, that top one right there for JoJo is real, real important, Ms. Johnson.

Oh, that girl been up to something.

You just gotta promise that she get that letter, Ms. Johnson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you the mailman. Now, I get how this shit works.

[stammers]

[Ken] Yeah, I don’t know about that interaction.

And now he’s just standing there.

The DMV database lists two names at 1579 Clayton.

Josephine Johnson, 60 years of age, and Joanna Johnson, 33 years of age.

Joanna Johnson.

[rumbling]

The fuck’s that sound?

It’s 120 degrees. Car’s overheating, and the fan’s dying.

Go ahead. Roll down your windows, and, uh, I gotta kill the engine here.

[sighs] That’s no good.

Ooh. Okay.

Joanna Johnson. Joanna John… JJ. Jo…

Oh! JoJo?

We must be crazy. Oh, my God. I don’t have any cell service. Do you?

Will you relax? I promise I will not let anything happen to you.

You can’t promise that.

You have no idea what you’re asking me to do here.

I understand.

No, you do not understand.

[Connie] All right.

What the fuck is this?

Okay.

[JoJo] Wait. Is that a helicopter? What?

[Connie] Talk about a stockpile. Yikes.

Oh, my God. Is that a missile?

Okay.

We got it.

All right. Oh, you’re gonna get…

Gentlemen. Thank you. Whoop.

Oh, sure.

[Rattlesnake] This is Captain Pain.

These are the guns I was telling you about.

Captain Pain. Connie.

Stephanie Kaminski. Nice to m… meet you.

This is a cool place you guys have.

What the fuck is this?

All right, boys.

I think you guys love guns as much as I love guns, right?

So, uh, like we told your friend Rattlesnake, we just happen to have a surplus in our stockpile.

One too many.

Personal favorite.

This here is the KelTec pump-action shotgun.

[militia men] Easy, easy.

It’s cool.

It’s not loaded. You can ch… Connie, just show ’em.

Easy to handle, quickest reload on the market. You know, even…

Do you wanna take a look at that, Sandman?

[Simon] So hot. I’m gonna faint.

I just found it. It’s, uh…

She says, and I quote, “A friend sent a video of an African-American woman going on and on.”

That woman was in a coupon video.

And all things being equal…

Uh, the… Don’t say it.

“The simplest explanation tends to be the right one.” Yeah.

So, where are you, JoJo?

Where are you, JoJo?

No deal.

All right. Let’s wrap it up. Let’s go.

Wait, wait.

No. It’s just… We thought the money was dirty, so w…

What did you say?

Whose money’s dirty? Our money’s dirty?

Wait!

We thought our money…

What did you just say?

Don’t even… What she meant was, we came into a bunch of fucking money.

It doesn’t matter how.

We thought it was dirty. It was not.

We bought all these guns, and now we have to off-load them.

That’s it.

And we’ll give you a really good discount.

What kind of discount?

Eleven hundred each? Seventy thousand?

That’s retail.

That is not retail!

Get outta here, dude.

Fifty.

Sixty-five.

Sixty.

Sixty-five. It’s a good deal.

Okay. You got a deal.

We’ll take ’em all.

[crickets chirping]

[blows raspberry]

Don’t do that. Ken.

I’m sorry.

Don’t do that.

Don’t do that.

[muffled music playing]

Yo, heads up. Heads up.

[Ken] Okay.

Is that her? Is that J… That’s JoJo?

Yeah. Well, she pulled in the right driveway.

Well, we’ll see in a minute here.

[music ends]

[crowd chanting] JoJo! JoJo! JoJo!

JoJo! JoJo! JoJo!

[cheering]

JoJo! Jo…

Okay. You got a deal.

[“Two Times A Charm” playing]

[song stops]

[Ken] What the hell is she doing?

[JoJo singing]

[chuckles]

[song resumes]

[song stops]

[woman on radio] Happiness is when what you think, say and do…

[JoJo singing]

[Ken] Think that’s Joanna Johnson?

[song resumes]

[song stops]

[Simon] That’s JoJo.

Now we just gotta see who she’s working with.

[song resumes]

[song ends]

Wow. That was quite a show.

[chuckles]

Yeah. The hell? So, okay, now what?

Now. [clears throat, sighs] Now we wait.

Wait?

Isn’t that what we been doing all damn day?

Why don’t we just go on her front lawn, knock on the door and arrest her?

Arrest her? Arrest her for what?

For putting on a damn show in her driveway?

You know, Ken, you actually do have to collect evidence.

Okay, well, if we’re gonna be here all dang night, then I’m just gonna pull my trousers up.

[alarm chiming]

What’s that noise?

That noise.

That’s the… Oh, God. [grunts]

Geez. Are you regular?

Huh?

Every morning, I shit like clockwork. [sighs]

So what is that, some kind of a shit alarm?

No…

What’s with the chimes?

Yeah, well, the chimes are soothing. They set things in motion.

I’m just trying to find out what’s going on.

Ma, it’s none of your business.

No, hey, hey!

I’m not one of your little friends… Ow.

Oh. Every time I yell at you, it hurts.

I call it my JoJo pain. [breathes deeply]

Ma.

I’m sorry. Okay, Mama? Come here.

Oh! [groans]

My mama.

I’m sorry. I’m just working hard, okay?

Mm-hmm.

How you think I’m able to buy all this new stuff and pay all these bills?

Another stack of them bills shown up here yesterday.

Okay. I’m gonna take care of it later.

Love you, Ma. See you later, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

[Mama Josie] Don’t come in here late!

Hold up. Target’s on the move.

[Simon] Eyes open. Just stay alert here.

All right.

Okay.

Hold it together, Ken. This is your white whale.

♪ You can find me chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

♪ I can see the future Like a fortune teller ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ Chillin’, chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

[song continues on radio]

[Simon] You ever hear of Mr. Zip?

[Ken] No, I haven’t heard of that guy.

Robert A. Moon.

Mmm.

[groaning]

[woman on radio] You don’t get to the top of Mount Everest by following…

[music resumes on radio]

[Simon] He’s the genius behind the zip code.

[woman on radio] The journey is the destina…

♪ Chillin’, chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

♪ Chillin’, chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

♪ You’ll find me chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

[Simon] We’ll turn around up here and circle back.

[Ken groans] Yeah, I’m just saying it’s not good to hold it in.

[groaning]

♪ You can find me chillin’ Under my umbrella ♪

[music ends]

[Ken] Oh, God.

[Simon] Hang on.

Where’d the minivan come from?

[groans]

I don’t wanna startle you, Simon, but, uh, you should know that I’m prepared to take this thing the whole way.

What?

What are you saying?

I’m gonna shit my pants, but that’s okay.

No. Actually, Ken, that’s not okay.

Okay? There’s not a world that exists where that would be okay.

Well, in this world it does exist. This is real.

You gotta embrace it ’cause I’m not getting out of this vehicle.

Ken.

Ken.

You don’t shit… You don’t shit in the car.

Okay, I’m gonna do a bank run. I’ll be back in a jiff.

Perfect.

All men are forced to make difficult decisions. This is mine.

We’re too close, and I have come too far.

I hear everything you’re saying.

You don’t shit in the car, Ken.

You don’t shit in the car.

It’s a rental. You pay a cleaning fee. Everybody moves on.

Yeah, it’s a rental that I rented.

Most people wouldn’t even tell me that they had to shit.

They just would make up an excuse and they’d get out of the car, okay?

You’re a grown man, Ken.

Go walk to the restroom.

Go shit in the fucking brush.

I really don’t care. Just figure it out and go and take a…

[Simon] Holy shit.

Late 30s.

Slim build, 5’1″. Seems cheerful enough.

My white whale.

[farts]

Ah. There she blows.

[farting]

Jesus Christ!

Fucking animal.

Are you serious?

Are you fucking crazy?

[farting continues]

Jesus Christ! You can’t just take a shit in a car.

I know. I’m sorry.

To be fair, this is like my beach in Normandy…

No, it’s not. This isn’t heroic. This is bad stomach management.

Your ass smells like a fucking outhouse at a carnival.

Go wipe your ass like a puppy on the grass.

Get that fucking ass out of here.

[Ken] I don’t wanna get it on the seat, so I’m gonna sit up like this, or something.

Well, we got her.

A silver 2010 Dodge Caravan.

Now, that is registered to Connie Kaminski, born Connie Stevens of Olathe, Kansas, uh, both parents deceased, and get this, former Olympian.

Olympian? What event?

Racewalking.

[chuckles] That’s not real. Did you say racewalking? That’s a real thing?

It’s a largely ignored but often ridiculed event, kinda like couponing.

Why are you wearing pajama pants?

I took one for the team. Yeah.

He had an accident.

Nothing wrong with a little elasticity.

Except in a professional environment.

I wish I was dressed different.

Moving on.

Now, cashier Greg Garcia corroborated.

Ooh! That’s her. That giant fucking smile.

[grunts]

I think I got something here.

It’s an invoice. A lease on an airplane hangar.

An airplane hangar?

What the hell are they doing with an airplane hangar?

[radio chatter]

[SWAT leader] Let’s go, boys! Gear up.

I think I owe you an apology.

You guys are like the FBI.

Negative. FBI’s like us.

Don’t fuck with the post office.

[chuckles]

Uh, you know, careful out there.

Good luck, you know. Do your thing.

Wanna do a ride-along?

You messing with me?

That’s a 10-4.

Just stay out of the way and listen.

[breathes deeply]

So what are we dealing with?

Drug runners? Arms dealers?

It’s coupons.

Come again?

It’s coupons. It’s two women counterfeiting coupons.

I mean, this feels like a lot.

You don’t think we’re coming in a little hot here, boss?

Boss.

All right, gentlemen. Lock and load!

[hammers cock]

[snores] Good Lord have mercy, Jesus.

My own child fixing to suffocate me.

Ma. [sighs] Oh, my gosh.

[stammers] Help me with this thing.

Okay, okay.

[sighs]

Ma, I’m not trying to suffocate you.

I thought you stopped breathing or something.

I was trying to save your ass.

Mm-hmm.

Ma, I can’t sleep. I don’t know. I’m just anxious. I… [sighs]

I fear something bad must have happened.

Ken.

[Ken] Yes, sir.

Do not go near that house.

No, sir.

I want you staying by the vehicles.

I will fall back, sir.

You are not in the military, Ken.

Yes, sir.

Do not get caught up in this moment.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hmm.

[Earl’s voice] Dear JoJo, you in some serious shit, girl.

You need to shake your booty out of town ’cause the Feds are on to you.

From your number one fan.

Hugs and kisses.

Feds?

[floorboards creaking]

How was your trip?

Connie Kaminski. You’re under arrest.

[radio chatter]

Show me your hands! Show ’em!

[panting]

[“The Party’s Over” playing]

Keep ’em up. Don’t move.

♪ The party’s over ♪

[Mama Josie screams]

[man] Freeze! Freeze!

[Mama Josie] What the hell is going on here?

Okay. Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay. This is Joanna Johnson. The po-po got in my house…

[JoJo] Stop!

Joanna Johnson! We have a warrant!

Girl, I knew you was up to something.

Ma, don’t say anything. Ma!

In all my life I never had no police up in my house like this.

♪ The same old thing again ♪

♪ What a crazy, crazy party ♪

♪ Never seen so many people ♪

♪ Laughing, dancing Look at you You’re having fun ♪

♪ But look at me I’m almost cryin’ ♪

♪ But that don’t keep Her love from dyin’ ♪

♪ Misery ’cause for me The party’s over ♪

♪ Turn out the lights ♪

♪ The party’s over ♪

♪ They say that all Good things must end ♪

♪ Call it a night ♪

[man 1] Move! Go, go, go!

[man 2] With me! Move, move, move!

[man 1] Stairs clear!

♪ And tomorrow starts The same old thing again ♪

[song fades]

This is a fuck ton of coupons, sir.

Look, baby diapers.

Could use these. Just had one.

[sighs]

I got the computer.

Sir, what about this room full of food?

What about it? It’s food. Leave it.

[news intro plays]

Coming up, an anonymous tip helps police seize a stockpile of guns from a Phoenix militia.

But first, two local coupon queens behind bars tonight in what authorities are calling the largest counterfeit coupon scam in history.

US postal inspectors raided the women’s…

How are you?

Look, let’s get down to brass tacks.

What do I get if I turn state’s evidence?

You really want me to believe you don’t have anything to do with this?

All you’ve told me is my wife’s been arrested for something involving coupons.

What, she used an expired coupon?

Well, your wife ran an intricate financial scam involving over 240 companies, costing them tens of millions of dollars, right under your nose.

And you’re an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service.

We have separate bank accounts.

I’m sorry, what did you say the site was?

It’s Savvy Shopper or some… [groans]

No, it doesn’t… It does not ring a bell. I’m sorry.

We recovered your YouTube videos.

So shake your little booty on down to savvysupersaver.com, okay?

Savvy. Super. Savvy. Super. Savvysupersaver.com.

I’ma get a jingle for that so y’all remember it forever. Okay?

Savvysupersaver.com. We got…

I thought we deleted that shit.

Have you ever heard the term, “Savvy Super Saver”?

Well, quite obviously, yes.

Okay.

I want you to go in there with me.

What? Really?

I think you understand this woman more than I do, so yeah.

Okay.

Connie, this is Ken Miller.

This is the, uh, loss prevention officer that was pivotal in tracking you down.

For starters, let’s talk coupons.

[Connie] Okay.

What do you wanna know?

I mean, most people undervalue coupons.

I don’t undervalue coupons.

No. I guess you don’t.

I suppose that’s why I’m here.

But, you know, most people do.

Well, here’s what I think. I think you preyed on people.

I think nobody understands better than you that people use coupons to save money or to buy things that they need, and I think you took advantage of that.

No. No, you’re wrong.

Tell me how I’m wrong.

That’s not really why…

That’s not what…

That’s not really why people use coupons. [chuckles]

It’s not about what you buy. It’s about the, uh… the feeling you get.

They’ve done studies.

When folks use coupons, their oxytocin levels, they kinda spike and they get that little tingly sensation.

They call it the “coupon high.”

Supposedly, it’s better than intimacy with another person, or so I’ve been told.

Sorry, I… I’m unclear. Did you…

Have you not used a coupon or have you not had sex?

T… What happened?

No, that’s… [stammers] Oh, no. This is not about me. This is about you.

You… you had… You had a good life, Connie.

You had the nice house and loving husband.

Wha… Why… Why would you risk losing all of that?

I knew I was worth more.

And what do you know about my life?

Just ’cause you’ve watched me from a distance does not mean you really know me.

You happy with the life that you’re living?

Haven’t you ever wanted just a little bit more out of life?

[sighs] Maybe we just value different things.

Well, I’ll tell you what I value, Connie. I value the law.

Just because you want a little more out of life does not give you an excuse to break those laws.

Now, it is not my job to judge you.

[chuckling] And you seem like a nice enough lady.

But I want to make sure that you are grasping the gravity of the situation that you’re in.

It is one year for every $100,000 of fraud.

So, with what you’ve stolen, your sentencing is off the charts.

You are facing 40 years to life.

What?

Uh…

Thank you.

You should, uh, probably get yourself a really good lawyer.

And if I were you, I would pay full price for this one.

[door closes]

[crying, sniffles]

[Connie] They said 40 years to life.

Forty years to life?

But they said that if I took full responsibility for starting all of it, they would go easy on you.

No, Connie. What about you?

I’m up a creek either way. It doesn’t…

I did rope you into it, and if I can make it easier on you, then…

Can you believe they are calling what we did fraud?

I know, that’s so stup…

It’s like, we didn’t defraud anybody.

No.

Now, theft… Maybe. A little.

Maybe theft. Maybe.

[guard] Joanna Johnson?

That’s me. Hi.

You made bail. Let’s go.

Mama Josie.

[chattering]

[gate buzzes]

[guard] Connie Kaminski?

Ooh! That’s me!

I made bail too?

No. You got a visitor.

What the fuck, Connie?

I told you that I stopped using coupons.

I just didn’t tell you that I started selling them.

Look, it’s a good job.

It’s not a job!

Would you… Would you just bail me out?

Oh, you don’t have a coupon for that?

Rick, next time you walk into a room and you think everyone there is sorry to see you, just know it’s not ’cause you’re an auditor.

It’s ’cause you’re an asshole.

I’d like a divorce.

[scoffs]

[sighs]

[birds twittering]

Earl?

Hey!

Hey.

[whispers] These are for you.

I… Oh, thank you.

I thought you were my mama, so…

Yeah, well, I think your mama’s cooperating with the authorities.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Well, thank you. This is nice.

You’re welcome.

How you doing?

Um… [sighs] I’m doing. Yeah.

Yeah.

Better days.

Just got the official tally.

Over 40 million dollars’ worth of counterfeit coupons.

We traced it back to a facility in Mexico, a US company called Advanced Solutions.

It’s the same place that makes the real coupons, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Used to be up in Michigan.

Moved down to Mexico to save some money. They got a factory overseas too.

We know who their Mexican counterparts were?

Uh, yeah. Advanced Solutions employees Alejandro and Rosa Diaz, husband and wife.

[Park] One of Kaminski’s aliases would wire money orders totaling well over a million dollars, and that’s a lot of pesos.

Mexican government gonna pursue ’em?

Nope. Trail’s gone cold.

Uh, when news of the arrests broke, these two disappeared.

They’re probably sitting on a beach somewhere drinking mai tais.

[Connie narrating] My lawyer, this super expensive fella, sure had an interesting way of looking at things.

All you did was take advantage of a loophole.

These corporations you’re accused of exploiting use loopholes all the time and take advantage of a broken system.

He always liked to say…

Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true.

The funny thing is, whenever he said it, most everyone took it to be fact.

My client is just following the lead of a successful corporation.

Will the defendants please rise?

Through all this, I’ve learned more about coupons and America’s shopping habits than I ever cared to know.

The court has considered the nature and circumstances of the offense in arriving at a sentence for Ms. Johnson and Mrs. Kaminski.

The court sentences the defendant Joanna Johnson to ten days in jail suspended and one-year probation.

[people murmuring]

As for the defendant, Connie Kaminski, she will be incarcerated in the Arizona Department of Corrections for a term of 11 months, with the possibility of parole.

[judge] That’s all.

[gavel thuds]

[JoJo] Oh, my G…

Well, lookee there.

First time in history a Black woman gets off and a white woman gets to do some time. [snickers]

[Connie] That loss prevention guy was right.

You get what you pay for.

Not 40 years to life. Just…

Eleven fucking months!

All right. Look, you didn’t hear this from me, but we may have received multiple phone calls from numerous corporations, saying, you know, uh, “We don’t want our logo on the news.

Our shareholders… Keep it quiet.”

[sighs] Oh, God.

Bottom line, they just want this to go away.

The damage she’s done, we’re gonna throw the rules out the window?

They don’t matter? She cost P&G alone $80 million.

For P&G and for every other company, this was just a write-off.

And, uh, it’ll probably be eight with good behavior.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. I-I just… I don’t get it.

So, uh, you’re telling me that’s it? Move on, it’s over?

Well, that’s all there is. That’s law enforcement.

You just do the best that you can, Ken. You try to be fair.

You follow the law and if everything goes well, you get to go home safe, and hopefully to someone that you love. [chuckles]

Which reminds me, I need to call my wife.

See you later.

[footsteps departing]

[Simon] Oh, one more thing.

Wow.

I almost forgot.

[chuckles]

Dated December 3rd, 1918.

“My dearest Leo, when word arrived from Pastor Holbrook that your injuries were not life-threatening, and that you were on your way back home to us, my heart leapt from my chest.

Our little Irene could not decipher my tears as those of pure joy.

My only hope now is that you receive this letter before you depart, and that my words will accompany you on your arduous journey back home.

With grace, faith and love. Mary.”

This one’s for you.

What? Really?

Oh… Not the letter. [stammers] You can’t separate the letters.

What good would the letters be if they weren’t together?

Right.

The letters are kind of archival.

What I mean is that this lesson is for you.

The lesson’s for you, Ken.

[chuckles]

You’re a good man.

I enjoyed working alongside you.

Don’t go searching for too much. You’re pretty great the way you are.

[chuckles]

[“Living Life” playing]

[sighs]

Could you just make an exception?

[stammers, sighs]

Uh, honor it. Yeah. Give her a discount.

[Connie] You may be asking yourself, “Who won and who lost through all of this?”

And I guess that’s really for you to decide.

[chimes]

Yes!

Rick and I got a divorce.

So, yeah. I guess I lost my husband.

But not in the way you lose something important, like your car keys or your cell phone or something like that.

Please, take it all.

I just wanna get rid of it.

Definitely don’t need those.

Ah, careful now. You don’t know what you need till it’s gone.

Sage advice. You get that from your parole officer?

And after paying the fancy lawyer, we still have a little money left over.

As for JoJo, she finally figured out exactly what Earl was thinking.

♪ This is who I am tonight ♪

Have you ever been to Montenegro?

We need that guy.

[Earl] Why that guy?

[JoJo] ‘Cause he’s already bending the rules.

JoJo says I’m gonna love it when I get there.

In fact, she’s already found the perfect spot for our new and improved business.

[music continues]

Oh, and did you know Montenegro has no extradition to the US?

If you ever find yourself doing a stretch in the slammer, you should still try to make every day count.

♪ So sing with me In that simple key ♪

Especially your last day.

♪ The one that everyone Can somehow find ♪

♪ Their way around in ♪

Sometimes you look back and you think, “Well, if that didn’t happen and that didn’t happen and that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

Betcha I can walk a mile faster than you can run one.

♪ This is living life ♪

And it turns out, it really doesn’t matter how you get to the finish line.

Just as long as you get there.

♪ Ba da da ♪

♪ Ba da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ This is living life ♪

♪ I don’t mind Let’s stay a while ♪

♪ Ba da da Ba da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ This is living life ♪

♪ I don’t mind Let’s stay a while ♪

♪ Ba da da Ba da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ This is living life ♪

♪ I don’t mind Let’s stay a while ♪

♪ Ba da da Ba da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ This is living life ♪

♪ I don’t mind Let’s stay a while ♪

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Dune (2021)

Dune (2021) | Transcript

A mythic and emotionally charged hero’s journey, Dune tells the story of Paul Atreides, a brilliant and gifted young man born into a great destiny