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Long Shot (2019) | Transcript

Journalist, Fred Flarsky, reunites with his childhood crush, Charlotte Field; now one of the most influential women in the world. As she prepares to run for president, Charlotte hires Fred as her speechwriter, and sparks fly
Long Shot (2019)

Fred Flarsky (Seth Rogen) is a gifted and free-spirited journalist with an affinity for trouble. Charlotte Field (Charlize Theron) is one of the most influential women in the world. Smart, sophisticated, and accomplished, she’s a powerhouse diplomat with a talent for…well, mostly everything. The two have nothing in common, except that she was his babysitter and childhood crush. When Fred unexpectedly reconnects with Charlotte, he charms her with his self-deprecating humor and his memories of her youthful idealism. As she prepares to make a run for the Presidency, Charlotte impulsively hires Fred as her speechwriter, much to the dismay of her trusted advisors. A fish out of water on Charlotte’s elite team, Fred is unprepared for her glamourous lifestyle in the limelight. However, sparks fly as their unmistakable chemistry leads to a round-the-world romance and a series of unexpected and dangerous incidents.

 * * *

MAN: I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this country, man!

Every day I turn on the TV,

and I see these fucking freaks marching for their rights!

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

What about our rights?

(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)

This is our time to show the world

that we are not just an online movement!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)

We’re growing physically!

This is our time to assert ourselves

as the true voice of America!

MEN: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

Yes, let’s do that!

MAN: Now, you may have noticed

that our friend Aryan Grande

has brought in a new recruit.

FucktheJews82. Welcome, brother!

ALL: Yeah!

Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody.

White power. Obviously.

Been a big fan of you guys for a while.

Since World War II, really.

That’s when you made your big entrance, on the scene.

And, uh… Yeah. Just, um, in closing…

Fuck the Jews!

ALL: (SHOUT) Yeah!

Welcome!

(ALL GRUNT)

Let’s fucking party!

(ALL YELLING AND CHEERING)

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

So you guys are, like, pretty active on social media, right?

MEN: Yeah.

How many times a day would you say you tweet on average?

Hey, FTJ!

FRED: Yo!

You said you wanted a swastika tattoo.

Now’s your chance.

Yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m cool.

Come on, man. We all got ’em!

You guys want me to get a swastika tattoo?

MEN: Yeah!

I will get a swastika tattoo.

Um… Yeah.

Hey, take over, man. I got to take a piss.

(TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING)

Super cool, guys. Thank you for this.

This is really exciting.

All right, here we go!

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, right! Yeah!

(GRUNTS)

That hurt?

On many levels. Yes.

(SOFTLY) Fuck!

Hey! This you?

You’re a journalist?

Yeah!

We all got to be fucking journalists in this day and age,

mainstream media not covering our side of the story!

His name is Fred Flarsky.

He writes for the Brooklyn Advocate.

He’s a fucking Jew!

What?

Look, look, look. Okay, okay, okay. Hey!

What are you doing here?

You’re here to fucking embarrass us, huh?

Who sent you?

(STAMMERS) No one sent me!

It’s okay. I’m… I’m…

He’s been recording us the whole time!

Fucking shit, man! You infiltrated our group!

You’re gonna fucking die!

How do you turn this thing off?

The fucking red button, right there, man!

(MEN CLAMORING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(GRUNTING)

Holy shit!

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(GROANS) Not only did I escape…

I held onto my phone!

Yes! Ow!

(GROANS)

I trusted you, man!

Yeah, well…

Jews win this round, motherfucker!

Peace! Ow.

NEWSCASTER: Tonight on Wembley News,

we take an in-depth look at Charlotte Field,

a Rhodes Scholar, a Pulitzer winner,

and protege of President Chambers,

who tapped Field two years ago

to be the youngest secretary of state

in the history of this nation.

And honestly, looking hotter than usual.

Now, people are gonna say that’s sexist,

but, she’s just hot!

NEWSCASTER 2: You know, when we talk about women in this way,

it is because we respect them so much,

and we start with their body.

(ALL LAUGH ON TV)

You two are terrible.

Good night, Steven.

Good night, Madam Secretary.

Sorry for the late call, Mr. Foreign Minister.

Long day.

Three bilaterals. (SIGHS)

Listen, we’re not going to be able to do it.

There’s just not enough traction around this thing.

I believe in it, it’s just… I don’t have Congress support.

I don’t have the American people’s support.

I know you and I don’t like it, Chuck,

but you know who likes it?

88% of college-educated Americans over 45.

Likely voters.

That’s Gallup. We have to make this happen.

(WATER SPLASHING)

(SIGHS)

(ALARM BLARING)

(GASPS)

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Well, I wouldn’t call the president inexperienced.

I mean, he did play a president

on a very popular television show for over a decade.

You don’t get six Golden Globe nominations

without being pretty convincing.

Um, I do think I’m funny.

I’m sorry, I thought this interview was about

promoting democracy in Eastern Europe.

All right, next one’s BBC.

Would you be asking a male cabinet member

what products they use in their hair?

I’m just kidding.

No, it’s olive oil and mayonnaise.

I know. So cheap. So much shine.

(EXHALING)

Good morning, Mr. President.

(QUIETLY) Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

(TV PLAYING)

Oh, hey, Charlotte.

You caught me watching my show. (LAUGHS)

Mr. President. We still recommend Option C.

I am not nuking a tsunami!

Oh, here it is.

(SPEAKING ALONG TO TV) Not now…

Not today.

Not in my house.

Yes! (LAUGHING) I love that!

(LAUGHS) Oh, me too.

Anyway, that’s not why I called you here.

(EXHALING)

(SIGHS) Charlotte.

Yes, sir?

(CLICKS TONGUE) I will not be seeking reelection.

Really?

Look, I know it’s crazy,

because I’m only halfway through my first term.

And you’re incredibly popular, sir.

And I want to use that popularity

to transition into something

more prestigious than the presidency.

I wanna make it in the movies.

You’re going to leave

the Presidency to go be in movies?

I know. It’s gonna be tough.

Ah…

Only like, 10 guys have made that jump

from TV to film.

Woody Harrelson, George Clooney…

Might be… Might be just two.

I… Mr. President, have you

given any consideration as to whom you might endorse?

I’m sure you’re probably thinking of McNichol

or Crowly. Strong choices.

So strange, because I was considering a run in 2024.

And I’ve been vetted.

So that’s all done.

And I can’t stop thinking about what…

What it would do for your legacy

to endorse the first female president.

I mean… Wow.

That’s a legacy.

Charlotte?

Hmm?

I would like to endorse you

to be the next president of the United States.

I mean, if you think that’s a good idea, sir, I trust you.

I’d… I’d be honored.

I’m gonna be pulling for Team Charlotte. Right?

Because you’ve been a great secretary.

…of state.

Whatever. It’s a cool job.

And, um, you’ve done it well.

Thank you, sir.

So stay focused.

Don’t make any major screw-ups.

Don’t kill any hookers.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Probably not a problem for you.

I don’t know what you’re into. Whatever.

And before you know it…

(HUMMING)

I like the sound of that.

♪ Hey, here she comes

♪ It’s the first lady president

♪ Who can believe that she’s actually a woman

Thank you, sir.

♪ She’s got a big brain And a couple other assets ♪

TOUR GUIDE: Oh, and here we see

Secretary of State Charlotte Field.

Good morning.

(TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(QUIETLY) Yes!

So the headline is, “You’re in great shape.”

Ninety-two, that’s good.

Really good.

Yeah.

KATHERINE: And now, keep in mind

that these are numbers for a female candidate.

If you were a man, you’d be in the 192nd percentile.

Well, that seems about right.

Yeah.

‘Cause the man… Okay.

Um, your sense of humor is 82,

which is solid. It’s solid.

But, you know, we wouldn’t mind seeing those numbers

go up a few points, or more.

So, I’m going to get some writing samples from

some funny speech writers.

Great.

I am really interested in knowing how people feel

about my accomplishments.

Yeah.

Right. You know, so we don’t

drill down on specific policies.

And that’s only because people don’t seem to care.

That’s interesting.

With that said, if you could broker some deal

that gets you out there talking

about a thing that you feel

really strongly about, that would be great.

CHARLOTTE: Well, that’s perfect.

I mean, we’ve been looking for an opening

to start a conversation about the environment.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

Romantically, if I may…

Remember the stir online

when the Canadian Prime Minister and you

were seated next to each other

at The Global Business Forum?

Mmm-hmm.

A relationship like that

would push you into the high 90s.

High 90s? Wow.

KATHERINE: That brings us to…

CHARLOTTE: What’s wrong with my wave?

Um, I think people feel that

that level of elbow movement is, um…

It stresses people out.

You know what? It’s just an area for improvement.

Okay, fine, I’ll work on the wave.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey.

BOSS: Hey, Fred.

You’re gonna love this. I almost died.

You got a second?

Yeah.

Come on.

I actually have some really great news.

Really? Cool.

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

We were just bought by Wembley Media.

What?

Yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I knew you’d have a harsh reaction…

A harsh reaction?

Fred, this is a good thing.

How?

The fucker represents everything

that we’ve been fighting against since day one!

The whole point of this paper is to fight giant media conglomerates.

Now we’ve been bought by a giant media conglomerate.

I do see the irony.

Irony?

He’s gonna turn this place into a propaganda machine.

Not the good kind, that’s right!

(STAMMERS)

The bad kind, that’s wrong!

Well, we’re out of options.

We’ve been running as long as we can

on ads for weed doctors and escorts.

Let’s get penis enlargement ads, too.

No one likes their dick.

Come on, Fred.

This Wembley guy,

he ran fake stories to help get Chambers elected.

No, they couldn’t prove that.

We proved it! I wrote three articles about it!

You published them!

I did.

The shit that comes out of this fucking guy’s mouth…

He said hurricanes were caused by gay marriage.

I don’t even get how that fucking works.

I don’t even get the math on that one.

Fred, it’s done, all right?

It’s done?

They’re upstairs finalizing the deal right now. (SIGHS)

Look, we have to cut two-thirds of our staff.

Two-thirds?

Yeah.

But we wanna keep you on. They wanna keep you on.

It’s just…

You just have to tone it down a little bit.

I don’t know how I can tone things down

any more than I’m toning them down.

Okay, Fred. You’re a great writer.

Thank you.

All right, you’re funny,

you take risks, you connect with people.

I’m sensing a twist in this.

You have a distinct, authentic voice, but…

Sometimes you’re a little too much.

I don’t think I am too much!

I actually think I’m the perfect right portion.

Look, you have your job.

Okay, focus on that and just toe the line a little bit.

You know what? I quit.

Oh, come on, Fred.

You should quit, too. Everyone should fucking quit.

No, I’m not gonna quit, I need my job.

I need my fucking job, too. I’m broke, man!

But I can’t work for that guy.

At least let me fire you so you can get unemployment.

No fucking way!

I want him to know that I quit.

He’s never gonna know it, he’s never heard of you.

You’re gonna destroy your life to spite a guy who’s never heard of you?

Yes! You said it best!

That’s exactly what I’m doing.

You’re making bad decisions and it’s bumming me out, man.

Well, that makes two of us.

Fuck this. Journalism died today, people.

Yes, hello, this is, uh, Fred Flarsky.

Um… I, uh,

was just calling to say that I was forced

to quit my job recently,

making me something of a free agent.

And I know in the past, uh,

you said I’m not exactly what The Times was looking for,

but I was just calling to see if anything’s changed.

Uh, just give me a ring. Thank you so much.

Yo, Lance. It’s Fred. Um…

I lost my job and I’m very sad.

Can I come by?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LANCE: We need to schedule a meeting

and see what they have to say.

Excuse me.

Man, I can’t believe they did you like that.

It’s fucked up. I’m pissed.

But you’re gonna feel a lot better, man, we’re leaving.

You can leave work right now?

Yeah, I can fucking leave. You see this corner office?

That’s a “I can leave this bitch whenever I want” corner office.

Come on, man. Everybody!

This is my best friend, and he just lost his job today.

All right? He’s at rock bottom.

It’s not that bad.

He feels like shit.

And I’m gonna make him feel better.

It’s been a tradition since we were in college,

when one of us feels sad,

the other one has to get him fucked up.

I’m talking Britney Spears, mid-2000s bald head,

almost dropping the baby fucked up.

No judgement. No judgement.

I need my schedule cleared, Zander.

I don’t want to do shit.

I’m going off-grid till tomorrow.

Matter of fact…

Everybody’s got the day off.

(ALL CHEER)

Everybody’s got the day off. Y’all got the day off.

Everybody, go home.

I’m so appreciative of all of you guys’ hard work.

I love every single one of you.

Except you, Ted!

Bagel Friday is for everybody, Ted!

You don’t think we know you taking the bagels?

WOMAN: Yeah, Ted, not cool.

Zander.

ZANDER: Yeah?

I need two cans of the Pamplemousse LaCroix.

ZANDER: Uh-huh.

I need that filled

with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil.

Do you want one?

FRED: I got fucked, man.

Yeah, you got fucked like a stepmom on Pornhub.

Well, it happens to everybody.

I’ve been unemployed before, it sucks.

But I didn’t ask for any handouts.

I picked myself up by my bootstraps and got to it.

Where are we going right now?

Best day ever, Fred. Don’t worry about it.

I’ve got this dope afternoon planned for us.

First we’re going to finish these Pamplemousse’s.

Play at the park.

After that we’re going to go to Peter Luger’s,

get you a nice fat steak,

and then finish it off with a World Wildlife Fund benefit.

I don’t know if I want to go to some

fancy rich person party.

What… Oh, come on, man,

don’t be so judgmental, all right?

It’s free booze and there’ll be pandas and shit.

People love pandas and shit.

I don’t know.

All right, fine, Fred.

Then just do nothing. All right?

Go home, do nothing.

And don’t kick it with your best friend and Boyz II Men.

Say what?

Oh, yeah.

Boyz II Men is bringing their timeless blend

of R&B, hip-hop and new jack swing to the party.

I thought you would like to be there.

Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men?

♪ Motownphilly’s back again

(VOCALIZING)

That’s what I’m talking about, man. Let’s do this shit.

Okay, let’s have fun. What a fun day.

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

CHARLOTTE: I am so hungry, it’s insane.

Why didn’t you PowerBar me?

I tried, you pushed my hand away.

Oh.

Skewered foods. I can’t eat skewered foods gracefully.

I look like a fucking caveman.

Yeah, and there are cameras everywhere.

That’s really gonna hurt your elegance score.

That’s my best score.

Fuck! It’s all skewered foods.

I’m gonna take the chicken off the skewers.

Take it off…

Quickly. Quickly.

Why do they make this so difficult…

Oh. I’m sorry, sir. I apologize.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Can’t do things…

Just make a fucking… Make a wall. Make a wall.

Yup. Yes.

CHARLOTTE: Do you have it?

Good. Good, good, good, good.

(MUFFLED) Oh, my God, it’s really good chicken.

James Steward is approaching. James Steward is approaching.

What?

Okay, he’s about nine feet away.

His dick is probably about seven feet away.

(WHISPERS) Maggie!

MAGGIE: Six feet away.

Five feet away. Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit.

James!

Bonsoir.

Hi.

Good evening.

(IN ACCENTED ENGLISH) I am so sorry I missed you

when I was at the White House a few weeks ago.

Oh, are you so “sorry,” James?

(LAUGHS) You’re never gonna

stop making that joke, are you?

No. I’m not.

(LAUGHS)

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Well, I… Oh, hello.

Hi.

Oh, yes.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

One more. One more.

One more.

Merci. Thank you.

What do you say we get out of here?

Grab a drink somewhere a bit more private.

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

Yes…

Yeah?

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, my God!

Make some noise out there! Make some noise!

Yeah! Check it out, y’all!

One question, what’s the name of the group?

CROWD: Boyz II Men!

What’s the name of the group, y’all?

CROWD: Boyz II Men!

(SINGING)

Yeah… I told you this would be dope.

Yeah, uh… This is really cheering me up.

(LAUGHS)

Wow.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

I’m super underdressed.

Stop complaining, all right?

You think you feel outta place?

This is one of the brightest rooms

I’ve ever been in, in my life.

Bright? What do you mean, bright?

Like white.

Oh, “bright” is white?

Yeah, man.

It’s only me, the waiters and Boyz II Men.

I’ve already had three people tell me they love my music.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

Duty calls.

I’ll take a snow check on that dance.

Canadian for “rain check.”

Okay. (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Okay.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

Man, you’re pounding ’em kinda hard, don’t you think?

I got fired today, man.

You told me you quit.

I was forced to quit because of…

Yeah, okay, man.

Lie to me some more.

You good?

Shit. Is the secretary of state looking at us?

Oh, she’s looking at you?

Fred.

Fred. What the hell? What was that?

Damn. Hey, what was that?

I… Kinda… I kinda know her. Okay?

You kinda know her?

Yeah.

Nobody kinda knows Charlotte Field, all right?

It’s like kinda knowing a mermaid, dude.

You tell people that shit.

That’s exceptional.

Okay.

I’ll tell you a story.

So, I’m like 13, she’s like 16.

She’s my babysitter.

She’s like, perfect. She’s very nice to me,

which goes a long way with me.

So, we’re at her house…

She’s practicing a speech that she’s writing.

She’s running for Student Council president.

Did you know that every year,

the school throws away over 500 tons of recyclable garbage?

And no one cares.

I know, it’s total bullshit.

But how do you get idiots to care about shit

they don’t care about?

They’ll just care

because it’s the right thing to care about.

You’re more inspiring than George Bush and Dan Quayle combined.

Well, that’s not too hard.

(BOTH LAUGH)

FRED: Well, she was amazing, and she was smart,

and she seemed to kinda like me,

and I felt like we were having a moment.

You know what I mean? Like a romantic moment.

Oh, shit.

FRED: So I did something,

that in retrospect was highly inappropriate.

I kissed her.

I looked down…

I got a fucking 13-year-old boner, man!

Oh!

Hard… But not big.

But hard. And pronounced, “13-year-old boner.”

Sorry.

And she looks at it. She sees it. And she goes…

It’s okay.

(GROANS)

And then,

her boyfriend comes into the room,

who was in the other room watching Blossom!

Hey, babe.

Points out my fucking little boner.

He makes a joke!

Whoa!

FRED: And they left.

(MOUTHING) I’m sorry.

And I’m left standing there alone…

…in the kitchen,

with my little, hard 13-year-old fucking boner.

Hard as a rock.

And on top of that,

she didn’t win the fucking election.

Bill Sterling won because he ran on a two-prom platform.

Two-prom!

Two-proms! Back-to-back!

(SCOFFS) She didn’t stand a fucking chance.

No, man.

I think you’re skimming over the best part of that story.

What’s the best part of that story?

She says your boner was okay.

She said, “It’s okay,” like she was trying

to not make me fucking feel bad.

Fred, you see a fucked-up story,

when I see a beautiful story about a girl that you liked,

liking your boner in all of its okay-ness.

You need to talk to her tonight.

She probably doesn’t remember who I am,

and if she does remember who I am,

the last thing she wants is

my 13-year-old-boner-having fucking ass walking up to her.

Look…

AGENT M: Excuse me.

Whoa.

Secretary Field would like to speak with you.

With me?

With him, right?

Yeah.

FRED: Right now?

Uh, do you know why?

This way.

(SOFTLY) This is good.

What are you nervous about?

What the fuck? Everything I just said!

(SINGING SLOW R&B SONG)

Oh, my God, dude, there she is.

(BOYZ II MEN VOCALIZING)

What are you gonna say to her?

I don’t know.

Should open with a neg.

Tell her she’s too tall.

I’m not gonna neg the secretary of state.

It was so nice to see you.

WOMAN: You as well.

Give me the signal when you need me.

Hi.

Hi.

A man brought me here.

Yes, sorry about that.

Um…

No, not at all.

I can’t shake this feeling that we know each other.

We do. Yeah.

We do?

We do know each other.

Okay, so I’m not crazy.

Uh, I’m Fred.

Fred… I was shorter,

but other than that…

Flarsky?

Yeah! Holy fuck!

I can’t believe it. You remember.

Oh, my God, look at you!

Look at me, yes.

What are you doing here?

My friend, Lance… That’s Lance.

Hey, how you doing?

He, uh, he just brought me here to see Boyz II Men.

I just met them.

You met the Men?

Yeah.

What was it like?

Don’t tell anybody,

but it was the highlight of my life.

Oh, I totally get that.

And I’ve met the Dalai Lama.

Fuck him. How many hits does he have? None.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Don’t actually fuck him.

He’s a wonderful man.

Yeah.

What are you doing these days?

I bet it’s something amazing.

It’s pretty amazing.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah,

but it’s still in its, uh, gestation period, I guess.

I don’t need to get into it.

What about you, what have you been up to?

You’re the secretary… I’m joking.

I know what you’ve been up to.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

You’re very, um…

You know, I just, I… I just wanna say it’s, like, amazing

to see what you’ve done with your life.

A lot of people say they’re gonna do

all this incredible stuff and they don’t do anything,

but you actually did it all, so, congrats.

Well, I’m trying.

I think you’ve done it. (CHUCKLES)

PARKER: Oh!

CHARLOTTE: Parker Wembley.

I hate this guy.

FRED: Parker Wembley, the guy who buys and sells newspapers

and thinks that hurricanes are caused by gay marriage?

You know him?

He’s coming over here.

Is he behind me?

Yeah.

Finally. Secretary Field.

Parker, how are you?

You are looking particularly gorgeous tonight.

Thank you.

I… I’ve been trying to set a meeting with you

for some months now, and, uh…

I mean, have you been avoiding me?

No! No.

Not successfully.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Who’s your friend?

Fred.

Hey, Fred!

Yes, hi.

How are you?

And, uh, what is it that you do?

I’m a journalist, actually. Yeah.

Ooh, a journalist.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Will I have read anything that you’ve written?

Probably not recently ’cause I’m unemployed at the moment.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.

Not your fault.

Excuse me, Secretary Field, we need a word.

Oh, okay.

So we will have that meeting.

Right?

Yes.

Okay, good. Fred.

Yes?

Best of luck.

Oh, why, thanks.

Things will turn around for you.

So nice of you.

Darkest before the dawn and all that.

I actually… I do have to…

Yeah.

You probably have a lot of things to do.

Better than this.

It’s really nice to see you again.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you’re backless. Wasn’t expecting that.

Have fun at the party.

You too.

Great to see you.

I see you. I see you. Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

PARKER: So I said, “You want…”

Hey. Hey. What’s that look in your eye?

What are you about to go do?

Tonight is about the animals, dude.

Fuck the animals! They’re fucking gone, man.

Too late for the fucking animals.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey!

PARKER: Oh, Fred?

Yeah, look.

What’s the problem?

I’ll tell you the problem.

What?

You’re the problem, man!

You’re everything that’s wrong with this fucking country.

‘Cause you’re an old, rich, white piece of shit

and your media conglomerate is ruining this planet!

Enough.

I’m done anyway.

I had more time with you than I thought I would,

so joke’s on you. Excuse me, thank you.

Whoa, shit! (YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD GASPS)

God!

(FRED GRUNTS)

Cracker down!

Oh, my God.

GUEST: Looks like it hurt.

Boyz II Men, back up.

You all right? You good?

You all right?

I’m okay!

He’s okay!

How is he standing?

(HIP-HIP SONG PLAYING)

(SONG PLAYING ON PHONE)

ALL: Oh!

Ouch!

♪ Oh, no That’s the Ruff Ryder…

This is so creative.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ha-ha!

CHARLOTTE: What was that?

Thank you, Tom.

God, that was crazy.

I mean, now that we know he’s okay,

it was all so hilarious.

And so what is the relationship exactly?

Was he your super?

No,

we grew up next door to each other.

(MAGGIE GASPS)

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Fuck, I used to babysit for him.

You babysat for him?

I did.

Wow. Time has not been kind.

He was such a strange little kid.

But he was really funny. And he was super smart.

He did have this chip on his shoulder, though.

He’s actually not a bad writer.

Wait, you’ve read his stuff?

Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate.

Oh, God, of course, you read that, Tom.

Didn’t that paper just get sold off?

Wembley Media just bought them.

Oh, that makes total sense.

That’s why he was such a dick to Wembley.

So the rest of the schedule for the day is pretty packed.

(CHUCKLING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi.

Hey.

Did you like any of those writing samples?

Yeah, McKenzie is good. Bess is solid.

And, um, Fred’s stuff isn’t too bad.

Wait, not the…

The homeless person that fell down the stairs?

Yeah. He has a real voice.

And he knows me. I mean, he knew me.

And that’s probably a good thing

if he’s going to be writing for me.

Bringing someone like that onto the team,

I have to say, feels a little reckless.

His writing is really good. And it’s funny.

I think he can get that number up by a few points.

And if he doesn’t, we fire him.

Okay.

Okay.

Fred Flarsky it is.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Unknown!

I don’t give a fuck. Answer that shit.

What?

Answer it!

What if it’s The Man trying to get at me?

No, it’s the universe trying to talk to you.

Really?

Gang.

Gang.

Do that shit, man. Fred, don’t fuck with me.

All right. Hello. Gang.

Mr. Flarsky?

What?

Wait, slow down. What?

You’re unknown. Pardon?

Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky.

Hello?

Go on.

This is Maggie Millikin from Secretary Field’s office.

Hello, Maggie, who works for Secretary Field.

Whoo!

Hello?

(WHISPERS) That’s good! Talk to her.

Hello?

How can I help you?

The secretary would like to meet with you immediately.

We will send a car over.

Can you give me the most convenient address?

What is she saying?

Secretary would like

to meet with me immediately

and they’re going to send a car?

Mr. Lou’s Deli in Brooklyn.

I’m sure you can find it.

I will google it.

Mr. Lou’s in Brooklyn. Stay right there.

Okay.

Uh, I’ll see you soon.

(GROANING) Oh, I feel so scared.

Do I look okay?

Do I look funny?

Why are these pockets here?

LANCE: It’s okay.

God fucking damn it!

Why am I wearing these fucking stupid pants?

They’re too tapered!

Who wears these silly-looking, fucking tapered cargo pants

and see the fucking secretary of state?

You can’t think like this. You have to be positive.

Mr. Flarsky?

FRED: Oh, shit.

Mr. Flarsky.

Wish me luck, man.

Yeah, you don’t need luck, man. She said it was okay.

Luck is for losers.

You’ve got destiny on your side.

You’re good. Fred.

You buy the body.

That doesn’t mean anything.

(ENGINE STARTS)

LANCE: Fred, put your seat belt on.

Take care of my friend. All right?

I look normal?

You look cool.

I love you, Fred!

Nut boys for life!

Empty your pockets and take off your backpack.

Empty my pockets?

All right. That’s…

Let’s see how this goes.

Not a regular cop, I assume.

Got bigger fish to fry than just normal cop shit, right?

So, uh, okay. Let’s do it.

(EXHALES)

That’s prescription. For anxiety. Uh…

This is if you can’t dance for a long time and you want to.

That’s prescription as well, for, uh, lack of energy.

That’s energy powder.

These are to wrap the anxiety medication in

when inhaling it medicinally.

That’s if you want to vaporize the anxiety medicine,

which I have a prescription for.

And that’s a blunt.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ooh.

Hi.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

MAGGIE: Wow.

Will you sign this, please?

What is it?

It’s an NDA.

A non-disclosure agreement?

That’s right.

Okay.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

CHARLOTTE: Fred.

Yeah.

Hey, nice to see you again.

Hi, you too.

Come on in.

Take a seat.

Good to see you were not injured from that fall.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

I actually think the brim of my hat

kind of protected my face ultimately.

So, thank God I was underdressed in the end, right?

Well, as long as you’re good.

I’m okay.

Yeah. Great.

FRED: Uh…

Why am I here?

What I’m about to share with you

is, obviously, highly confidential.

Oh, yeah.

Keep it on the down low.

President Chambers will not be seeking reelection.

Really?

(SOFTLY) Yes.

That’s fucking sick! That’s awesome.

Are you telling each American individually the good news?

I mean, but seriously.

Did he just realize he sucks at it

and decide not to do it anymore?

He just wants to move into film and make movies.

Really?

Yeah.

That’s cool. That’s a tough transition to make.

Not many actors have made the leap from TV to film.

You got George Clooney, you got Woody Harrelson…

Jennifer Aniston.

Mmm, did she though?

You don’t think Jennifer Aniston’s a movie star?

Just ’cause you star in movies

doesn’t mean you’re a movie star.

The point is…

He’s going to endorse me for president in 2020.

Wow.

I know.

Mazel tov.

(CHUCKLES) So.

We’re headed to an environmental summit

hosted by King Gustav

and the Swedish Royal Family.

At the summit, I’ll be announcing

that the world’s three largest polluters

have signed on to the most comprehensive

and exciting environmental deal ever.

You know, after I have some dairy,

I’m one of the world’s three largest polluters.

Excuse me?

We’ll address rising sea levels,

combat deforestation

and protect the world’s pollinators.

I’m calling it the Global Rehabilitation Initiative.

Internally, we’re referring to it

as “Bees, Trees and the Seas.”

CHARLOTTE: Soon after that,

I hope to announce that 100 countries have signed on.

Wow.

At which point…

I will resign as secretary of state.

Using this initiative as a springboard,

I will announce my presidential run in 2020.

Cool.

So…

I need some writers to punch up my speeches.

I read your work and I really like it.

That’s… Wow.

You mentioned you were between jobs.

So it’s a really good fit.

It’s so nice of you to think of me at all,

honestly, with everything going on in your head.

I look forward to working with you.

Thank you.

Um… So, uh, when do you need to know by?

(CHUCKLING) What? I don’t understand.

When do you need to know if I’m going to take your, uh,

your punch-up job?

Right now.

Oh. Uh… Then I guess,

maybe… Maybe, uh, no?

Maybe no, I don’t know. I don’t know!

You know what, Madam Secretary,

he’s not interested. We tried, it didn’t work out.

So I can give you some writing samples…

What don’t you know?

This whole Seas, Bees and Trees thing.

Is it actually going to do something?

Or is it going to be one of those things

that maybe only sounds like it’s gonna do something,

but doesn’t actually do something?

I only wanna come work for you

if it’s actually gonna do something.

It will do something.

This is a perfect document.

They all start out that way and then they get watered down.

Fred.

Not only does this initiative sound good,

it’s going to do good.

It’s gonna save the fucking planet.

Not to mention, pay your rent.

So, are you in?

Or do you have something more important to do?

Than save the planet with you?

No, I don’t. (CHUCKLES) I’m in.

Phew! (CHUCKLES)

Let’s save the planet.

That was…

What just happened? She’s good. (LAUGHS)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

FRED: Uh, hey.

I had some jokes, uh, I was gonna run by you,

maybe, if you have a second.

What are you… What are you looking at?

(GASPS)

(YELPS)

Jesus!

Oh, my God!

Why would you just barge in here while I’m sleeping?

You were sleeping?

Yes!

I was micro napping.

That’s what you call that?

Yes.

Sorry, I didn’t realize you were sleeping.

You were standing and your eyes were open.

Do you need something?

I have some jokes that I wrote

that I was gonna run by you if you have a second.

Yeah, that was actually a really good nap.

Great. Seemed very restful.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Whoa.

I feel like these jokes are a little angry.

Oh. I thought maybe they were, like, emphatic?

“With every fracking drill thrust,

“we are literally butt-fucking Mother Earth”?

It can be normal fucking.

It doesn’t have to be in the butt.

I can take that part out.

Yeah, listen, Fred. If I’m angry, I’m hysterical. If I’m emotional, I’m weak. If I so much as raise my voice, I’m a bitch.

My job’s hard.

Not as hard as mine.

I think maybe, like, part of the problem is that, like, a lot of humor is based on, like, personal experiences.

I was thinking, you know, you cared a lot about the environment since high school.

Mmm-hmm.

So maybe include some stories about that.

High school?

Yeah.

You think that’s funny?

I think it’s a good area.

Nostalgia, pop culture references.

People love that.

Jimmy Fallon’s made an entire career off of that.

When I think about school, I just think about studying.

No, you did so much more than that.

I think your whole 1991 platform was pretty on-point

when you were running for Student Council.

I remember you said, “Everyone at this school

“pretends to care about the underdog,

“but the planet Earth is

“the biggest underdog of them all.”

Something like that.

I said that?

Yeah, you did say that.

You were in the kitchen, making pizza.

We were making signs for your election.

And you were wearing that shirt.

I don’t know if it was a strawberry or a flower,

it always confused me.

It was both.

Oh, there you go.

That’s all I remember about that night, though.

Uh, that’s where my memories

concerning that evening expire.

I learned a lot from that election.

Yeah, that kids are probably more likely

to vote for two proms

than a very elaborate recycling program.

(CHUCKLES)

Not only kids.

Yeah, that’s true.

Did you know he asked me out to one of those proms?

Bill Sterling?

Yeah.

After he beat you?

Yup.

Prom one or prom two?

Oh!

What a fuckhead! You’re way better than prom two.

(SIGHS AND LAUGHS)

I went to zero proms, by the way, for the record.

I think you’re the smart one in this situation.

Yes, that’s why I didn’t go to prom.

‘Cause I was too smart. Uh…

Cool. I’ll get to work on that speech stuff.

Great.

Hey, Fred.

Yeah.

You know, if you want to try some non-joke stuff,

just go ahead.

Really? Like the main part of the speech?

Yeah. Just write.

Cool. Awesome. Thanks.

If you take another nap,

you should put on, like, a bicycle helmet or something.

‘Cause you’re gonna tip over, there’s turbulence.

That’s actually a really good idea.

It is. I want you to be careful.

Yeah.

We need you.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BAND PLAYING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Ambassador.

Welcome to Sweden.

Nice to see you again.

Yeah, you too.

I look forward to seeing you tonight at dinner.

Yes.

Uh, Madam Secretary,

I have some ideas I wanna throw by you.

Yeah, soon, Fred.

Tom, do you have the schedule?

TOM: Yes, of course, ma’am.

(SIGHS) All right.

MAGGIE: In the back, Flarsky!

TOM: Then at 8:15, you have a fitting for tonight’s gala.

Then at 8:45, a call with Iraqi Prime Minister Masum,

9:15, a call to Brazilian President Temer

about deforestation issues.

2:15, you have a call with U.K. Foreign Secretary Green

to discuss your tour of Scotland in a few weeks.

2:25, then you have a call with New York Times

to comment on POTUS’ latest Instagram attack

on Prime Minister Bharath of Kashtar.

At 5:45, we’re meeting with the head

of Sweden’s Diplomatic Protocol,

Ingrid Minervudottir, to discuss tonight’s schedule.

Okay. And then after that?

Also, Parker Wembley keeps trying to get

some face time with you.

Oh, God.

Parker can wait. Okay, Fred. Go.

Yeah, sure. Um…

So, uh, you know,

based on what we were talking about last night,

I just took a stab at the whole speech, basically.

(CLICKS TONGUE) That’s good.

Thank you.

This part isn’t.

Okay, well, you said you didn’t want to sound too angry.

I also don’t want to sound like I have a head injury.

Okay. Uh, I’ll go change it.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, here we go.

(SIGHS)

So…

All right.

Fred.

Yeah?

Do you have any grown-up clothes to wear tonight?

I was gonna… I was thinking

of zipping this up all the way, like to here.

That’s kind of a little more…

It’s, like, slightly more buttoned up.

MAGGIE: You know what, Madam Secretary,

I would be delighted to dress Fred for tonight.

Thank you, Maggie. I’d be thrilled

to have you dress me for tonight’s event.

What a fun adventure.

Get a little makeover. All right, have a good one.

Thank you, Fred.

FRED: Why, thank you.

MAGGIE: …and then it’s saying hello,

you’ll sit down, we’ll have dinner,

I’ll pull you up…

Where’s Flarsky?

Why are we waiting?

What, is he doing his hair?

(SIGHS)

Um…

Oh.

TOM: What the…

(CHARLOTTE LAUGHING)

What the fuck are you wearing?

She bought me this shit. Okay?

It’s a traditional Swedish suit.

I don’t see another fucking Swede up in here

dressed like this.

It’s all I could do on such short notice.

You just take the jacket off, it’s going to make it better.

It’s just… Make it look… Oh, my God.

Better with the jacket on? Great.

Razzing the new guy, I get it. Fuck you, Maggie.

Calm the Smurf down.

Bring a fucking suit next time.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you like the speech?

Yes, the speech is good.

Oh, you’re going to have to stay way back there, Fred.

Just stay back, Flarsky. Okay? She’s got to focus.

On what?

Getting India and China to agree

to be a part of this initiative.

They haven’t even agreed to be a part of it yet?

They will, we just have to sort out a few details.

We just wrote a whole speech

about how they’re on-board already.

Don’t worry, Fred.

You just stay here and make sure

nobody from Candy Land needs their car parked, okay?

I don’t know why you needed a writer.

Those are sick burns.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CRIER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field

of the United States of America.

Your Majesty. Your Highness.

Your Highness.

Pleasure.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh.

No, thank you. I’m working right now.

And you know you are, too.

I do know that.

But you dressed me like Cap’n Crunch’s Grindr date, so I’m going to drink to make you uncomfortable.

Honestly, Fred, your entire life makes me uncomfortable.

(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)

FRED: Oh no, fuck me.

(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Yes.

(CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)

We both shop in the same mystical village, I see.

(CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)

Yes, you look great.

Congratulations.

Skal.

Skal. Skal to you, too.

(SPEAKS SWEDISH)

Yes. (SPEAKS SWEDISH)

Jesus.

Hey, we’re making a few revisions to the speech.

What?

So we’re losing the “Seas” part, so go cut that, and then brainstorm a couple of other funny lines for the “Trees” section, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Losing the Seas part, why?

Because India wouldn’t go for it. So we had to pivot.

That’s not a pivot, that’s a third of the whole fucking shit.

Are you kidding me? That’s it, it’s just gone?

Yeah, it’s gone.

And there’s nothing we can do?

No. And you don’t have to worry about it.

Just go over to the computer. Start typey-typing.

Well, no.

I’m not gonna do that.

So you quit, resignation accepted.

I will rewrite the speech.

Oh, the fuck you will!

What the fuck?

(ALL GASP)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAGGIE: You don’t…

FRED: Let go!

(GUEST GASPING)

FRED: Look out. Excuse me!

MAGGIE: Stop running! Stop running! Stop running!

Fred, stop running!

(GUEST MURMURING)

Fred…

(EXCLAIMS)

Why did you do that?

Because I will not have you damage

the integrity of my writing!

The integrity of your writing?

You’re a punch-up writer, you’re not Maya Angelou!

What is going on?

What’s going on with you, bruh?

Did you just call me “bruh”?

She’s the secretary of state.

Is he high?

MAGGIE: He is wasted, but he’s also just stupid.

Meet me in the conference room, I’ll handle this.

What’s the deal, Fred?

What’s the deal? What’s the deal? What are…

The only reason I’m here is ’cause you told me

you cared about this shit,

and in the time I come out here to have a smoke,

you fucking got rid of a massive element of the whole thing.

I got two out of three. I only lost one.

That one was the seas.

It covers 75% of the planet!

It’s a pretty big one!

Bring down your voice.

You know why I’m upset?

This is exactly what I thought was going to happen.

And I even said it. I said it in your office.

I don’t want to write for some bullshit politician.

I wanted to write for you.

Because I thought you cared about this shit.

Until you’re running the game, you have to play the game.

Well, then, by the time you win the game,

you don’t know who’s scoring touchdowns on whose nets,

and you don’t know who’s hitting home runs

in whose fucking end zones!

What are you talking about?

I don’t know sports.

Let me try it with food.

You wanna open a restaurant. But all you got is chopsticks.

No! I don’t have time for this, okay?

If you want to quit, then just fucking quit.

I don’t give a shit.

Yeah, you don’t give a shit.

No, I don’t.

You used to fucking give a shit,

but now you don’t give a shit about anything.

You cared more about recycling in high school

than you do this shit and it’s very disappointing to me.

Fuck this. I’ve got a speech to give.

Oh, yeah, good luck giving it,

it’s on my computer in the snow.

I have copies, you idiot.

You just threw your computer in the snow, that’s it.

Oh, no! Shit!

Oh, God damn it!

It’s soaked! I need a bowl of rice!

I need a big bowl of rice!

God damn it! Why didn’t I back this thing up?

All my shit’s on here.

CHARLOTTE: Fred. Look.

Wow.

I’ve never seen anything like that.

No, I…

I’ve seen pictures of it, but I never…

…actually…

I never saw it. (SNIFFLES)

Are you crying right now?

It’s pretty.

Yeah.

Fred?

(SNIFFLES) Yeah?

If you ever pull some shit like that again,

I’ll have you thrown in Gitmo.

Yes, Madam Secretary. I’m sorry.

You better hope this fucking speech goes over well.

I’ve often gravitated toward the underdog.

The band of misfits who fight back against the bullies.

In high school, I would talk about the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself on a soapbox,

rambling on and on about the injustices of the world.

Which makes you extremely popular,

especially when everybody would rather be watching

Beverly Hills, 90210.

(ALL LAUGH)

But that is why I am happy to announce

an initiative that would make my 16-year-old self proud.

In what is now being dubbed “The Underdog Speech,”

the secretary of state opened up about her childhood

and passion for the environment

by announcing a bold new initiative…

…turns out she has always been an Andrea Zuckerman

in the body of a Kelly Taylor.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, wow, you shaved your neck.

I did. I cleaned it up.

Got my whole back. Went all the way down.

Looks good.

Trying to make a good impression, I guess, anyway…

I, uh…

I just wanted to apologize to you, again,

for acting a little crazy, you know.

I’m gonna…

I’m going to really try to tone it down

and not, you know, make you risk global, uh, humiliation.

Good. Great.

Also.

I googled speech writing

and it was actually very informative.

What I learned

was that in order to write better for you,

I should kinda get to know you better and get in your head,

and everything I already know about you,

I kinda used on the first speech.

So, what I did

was I wrote a ton of questions

that will maybe help me capture your voice,

if you have a minute.

I actually have seven.

Seven. Okay, great. Yeah. I’ll take it.

All right.

Seven minutes in heaven.

(CHUCKLES) Um…

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

So. Ah… I guess…

Just like… What are you into?

What kind of shit you into?

Well, this is pretty much it.

I mean, secretary of state stuff.

Do you have any hobbies? Anything? Do you watch TV?

Do you watch Game of Thrones or anything like that?

Oh, I’m fully aware of what happened

in every season of Game of Thrones.

Because you watch it?

Because I read synopses on every episode.

That can’t actually work.

I couldn’t believe when Khaleesi’s dragon

(WHISPERS) came back as a White Walker.

(WHISPERS) Whoa!

See?

What about movies?

Do you watch movies?

Synopses of all the award contenders.

You used to love movies!

You made me watch Encino Man 30 times.

“Wheeze a little juice!”

(LAUGHING) You still do the worst Pauly Shore impression

in the history of mankind.

I can’t believe you’re still doing “The Weasel”

and you haven’t seen any of the Marvel Universe.

Those movies are sick. You’re like frozen in time.

I am Encino Man.

(FRED SCOFFS)

All right, what is your favorite book as a kid?

The Velveteen Rabbit. You?

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Oh, that explains a lot.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

(GREETS IN VIETNAMESE)

I’m so sorry for what we’ve done to you.

Best drug experience?

I could get summoned at any moment

to deal with an international crisis,

I can’t do that on acid.

What about Molly?

Who’s Molly?

(SIGHS)

REPORTER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field

continues on her impressive 20-country world tour

to garner more support

for her ambitious environmental initiative.

And all in a private jet, no less.

You know what would save the environment?

Charlotte Field grounding her ass.

I know where I’d like to ground her ass.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I walked right into that one.

Must Have Been Love by Roxette.

Oh! That’s just fucking hot.

Right?

I got a new one.

(MUFFLED) What?

I got to change my favorite song.

You have too many.

I’ve done it a few times.

Broccoli by DRAM, featuring Lil Yachty.

All those words

are the name of a song?

Yeah.

CHARLOTTE: I don’t really think I have one.

FRED: You gotta have one. Everyone has one.

Well, I don’t embarrass that easily.

Yeah, I hear that. I don’t either, really.

Yes, you do.

No, I don’t!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Okay.

What’s your favorite sexual position?

I mean, you know, front.

Normal. Front facing normal.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

What kinda question is that?

That’s all it took.

Look at you.

Well, what’s your favorite sexual position?

Don’t be gross, Fred. Hi.

Yeah, see?

What’s your favorite sexual position?

It’s too complicated to explain.

Really?

I told you mine.

Oh, God, okay. (SIGHS)

I just got back from a trip to New Delhi.

Yeah?

I got called into a meeting

with the Joint Chiefs, and I was a little nervous.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And my stomach was a little weird from all the curry.

Oh, no.

Delhi belly.

Well, we were in a motorcade and we couldn’t stop.

Oh, no.

Mmm-hmm.

God…

I ruined a really nice Dolce & Gabbana bag.

You puked in it?

Nope.

Oh, no! In a moving vehicle?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV)

Do you actually understand what’s happening right now?

Yes, I speak Russian.

FRED: The Russian Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope.

Do svidanya, motherfuckers!

(GASPS)

(GUNFIRE ON TV)

Oh, my God, they just shot the pirate guy!

But he’s keeping the team together.

I know.

I don’t think I can handle that.

Oh, it’s okay.

No,

I really liked him in the movie.

Don’t worry, just keep watching.

FRED: You know, the Philippines gets a bad rap.

Because it’s pretty nice here.

You’d never know civil war was about to break out.

This is good.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Hey. What if we use this line to start with?

Yeah, “I’m going to start this speech

“by saying the same thing I said to my boss

“at Blockbuster Video when I was 16.

“I quit.”

(LAUGHING)

That’s not bad.

I love that.

This is really fucking good.

Look at you, you get me, Fred.

I totally get you.

♪ All I want for my birthday

♪ Is a big booty ho

♪ All I want for my birthday… ♪

I couldn’t be happier that out of all the shit

I played you from the last decade,

that what you’ve liked the most is 2 Chainz.

It’s catchy.

It’s awesome.

(CHUCKLES)

So, are you, like, dating the prime minister of Canada?

No. No.

No.

I feel like I read… Did I read that

in some shitty tabloid that you guys were dating?

Maybe it’s not true.

No, I’m sure you did. It’s…

They like to write about it, but no. I…

We’re not, we… We flirt.

Yeah. Okay.

Kind of.

It’s weird. We made out once.

Dope.

You asked.

No, hey! I’ve hooked up with

my fair share of world leaders, too.

I 69’d Fidel Castro once.

You thought his beard was big.

Um…

But how does that work with you? Do you, like…

Do you, like, date?

Uh… Yeah. I date.

Generally, you know,

with people who have similar lifestyles to me.

People who travel a lot.

It’s hard to keep those things alive. I…

I mean, who wants to follow me around the world

and hope I have five minutes to be affectionate?

Yeah.

And honestly,

guys don’t really want to date women

who are more powerful than them.

They think they do, but…

It’s a dick shriveller.

Uff.

Mmm-hmm.

Dick Shriveller is my favorite Batman villain though.

So…

(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

You gonna ask why I’m still single?

No, I get it.

(LAUGHING)

It makes sense.

Yeah. It adds up.

(WHOOSHING)

(GASPS)

(EXPLOSION)

(FRED GRUNTING)

We’re right in front of the window.

(GUNFIRE)

(EXPLOSION)

What the fuck is happening?

Insurgents are fighting the army.

Are we in danger?

Yes! Yes!

Madam Secretary, we need to leave now!

(GUNFIRE)

FRED: Fuck!

AGENT: This way!

All right, guys, come with me.

Come on.

(ALL SCREAM)

Secretary Field, this way!

I got her, secure them!

(FRED GRUNTS)

This way.

You’ll be safe in here.

Oh, fuck! Are you okay?

Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay?

I’m okay. Yeah. (STAMMERS) We’re okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Holy shit!

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, we could have just died.

Oh, my God, I’m freaking out a bit right now.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) I’m having a hard time

catching my breath a little bit.

You don’t seem like you’re freaking out very much.

I am! I’m employing a Navy SEAL breathing technique,

for dealing with panicking.

It’s just gonna take about 90 seconds to work.

90 seconds? I need more than fucking 90 seconds!

I need 90 fucking years!

I’m fucked up for life from this shit, yo!

I have so many regrets, did so many terrible things!

When I was 12, I peed on a dog to impress an older kid.

The dog didn’t like it. The older kid didn’t either!

It was just pointless.

(EXPLOSION)

What the fuck?

Holy shit! Fuck!

Is there more? Is there gonna be more?

Fred.

Is there more?

You’re gonna have to calm down.

I don’t think I can.

Sit down with me.

And breathe.

Four seconds in.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Four seconds out.

Four seconds in.

(GASPING) One, two, three, four…

Four seconds out.

One, two…

Four seconds in.

One, two, three, four…

You don’t have to count while you’re doing this.

…four. It helps me.

(WHEEZING) One, two, three, four…

There you go.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

One, two, three, four.

You got it.

(SIGHS) That actually works.

Those guys are good.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

We did almost just die, though.

We actually did almost die.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

That actually makes me feel better.

Means I didn’t overreact.

Oh, God, no, you completely overreacted. (LAUGHING)

Yeah, maybe.

I can think of worse ways to go

than here with you. (CHUCKLES)

Honestly, this has been like,

the best few weeks of my entire life.

You don’t have to say it back to me.

I know it’s not true for you.

I saw you sing with Bruce Springsteen last year,

at that benefit concert. That was probably

a way better week.

Just as an example. (CHUCKLES)

Well, this is a pretty close second.

Really? To The Boss?

Yeah.

Wow. That’s nice.

Uh…

I feel like maybe you want me to kiss you right now,

but I don’t want to make the same stupid mistake

I made 25 years ago.

Wouldn’t be a stupid mistake.

Wait… Really?

We’ve secured the location.

But we need to move you. The helicopter is standing by.

Thank you, Agent M.

FRED: Holy shit.

That helicopter was way louder

than I thought it was gonna be.

MAGGIE: Fred, enough. Enough.

I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

We’re safe here though?

MAGGIE: Yes!

TOM: Oh, my God, Fred!

AGENT: This way.

FRED: This place looks really nice.

Fred, I need you to come work

on that speech with me, right now.

Right now?

Yeah. Right now.

Okay.

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hang on, get my pants off.

Okay, I gotta, too. Shit.

CHARLOTTE: We’re doing it?

Yeah!

CHARLOTTE: Do it faster.

Let’s do it.

They’re coming off!

Fucking tapered pants. Shit!

Fuck!

CHARLOTTE: Okay, just leave it! Just leave it! Leave it!

FRED: Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

Should I go in, then?

Yeah, enter.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no!

I’m gonna come really soon.

Me too.

Really?

Yeah!

Oh, God!

Oh!

BOTH: Oh, boy!

(BOTH MOANING LOUDLY)

Oh, God! Okay.

Oh, my God!

I’m coming out.

Okay, come on.

Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!

Wow. Oh, my God, I’m sorry.

I don’t know what happened.

I usually last way longer than that.

You know?

Not me.

That was weird.

We both said, “Oh, boy” when we came…

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

…at the same time.

That’s never happened before.

I’ve never said that.

Yeah.

Super strange.

Oh!

Should we do that again?

Yeah, my hands are shaking, I need a minute.

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

Who’s this little guy?

(LAUGHING)

I was a writing an article about neo-Nazis

and I had to get a bottom half

of a swastika tattooed on me…

Oh, my God.

…so they wouldn’t kill me

and I didn’t want that,

so I added little shoes and I made him a little stick man

and I named him Adolf Stickler.

You’d never know he had little swastika legs.

No.

He’s so happy about it.

I know, they just look like pants.

You’d never know he was born in the fires of hatred.

(LAUGHING)

Man, I am hungry.

What time is it?

I couldn’t tell you what fucking day it is.

And where… Where are we right now?

I don’t have a clue.

You don’t know?

No. They just dropped us here.

They just took us here on the helicopter.

AGENT M: Good morning, Mr. Flarsky.

Jesus!

You scared me, man.

Could you maybe not tell anybody about this?

They wouldn’t believe me anyway.

Fair enough.

Good luck, man.

Thank you.

(ON RADIO) These helicopters are scary.

It’s gonna be fine, Fred. Just breathe.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

FRED: One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I feel so happy right now!

Like, I’m beginning to realize,

I may have never been happy.

This might be the first time I ever felt happy.

And it feels good.

This is like, the best shit that’s ever happened.

There’s like this crazy big banquet thing tonight,

and she gave me like a tuxedo to wear.

And it’s not like a date,

but it kinda feels like a date.

How do I not fuck this up? Seems impossible.

Dude, you just need to give yourself affirmation, man.

You need to… (STAMMERS)

You need to say that you’re worthy of love, man.

I am worthy of love.

All right, now you gotta say it 10,000

more times, until you believe it.

Okay, look, I gotta go.

I have no fucking clue how to tie a bow tie.

All right, man. Hey!

Be bold!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hi.

You look really pretty. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

You look really pretty, too.

Thank you.

Thanks for the suit.

We should probably head in.

Shall we?

FRED: Yeah.

Wow. This is awesome.

It’s cool being in Argentina.

I think the guys who killed my grandparents

are hiding here somewhere. (CHUCKLES)

Shit, they got a band.

Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe? Or grab a drink?

So there are representatives

from over 75 countries here tonight.

She has three hours to get out there,

shake her money maker…

Yeah.

…and get as many commitments as possible.

This is a work event.

Of course, yeah. I get it.

We could, uh, maybe at the end of the night, have a drink.

Yeah, if you have time. Cool.

We’ll see.

Yeah.

All right. Okay.

I know what’s going on.

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

There’s nothing going on.

Don’t fucking bullshit me, Fred.

‘Cause my EQ is through the goddamn roof.

And I understand and intuit the nuances of social dynamics

like you wouldn’t believe.

The two of you are having sex with each other.

There’s no way you could discern something like that.

Charlotte told me.

Really?

No, but you just did, you fucking idiot.

Fuck! Shit! That was fucking very clever.

Jesus, well, you know what, yes.

Okay. We’re sexing one another down.

So?

Ew.

Honestly, it’s probably weirder to me

than it is to you.

Look,

I can’t believe I have to say this,

but just so you know, there’s no way the two of you work.

Why would you say that? You don’t know that.

The public will never accept the two of you together,

so neither will she.

Honestly, Fred, it doesn’t matter

if you get it or you don’t,

’cause the truth is, she is going to realize it

for the both of you,

then you’ll have your heart broken.

And that could be kinda fun to watch.

Ambassador Plenipotentiary…

PARKER: Madam Secretary!

Excuse me.

Ah!

Parker.

Nope. Nope. Uh…

(KISSING)

(PARKER LAUGHING)

You know, we still have not found time to sit down.

You know, it’s not gonna happen.

I’m not gonna find time.

I will get my way on this.

I don’t even know what you mean by “this,”

but please have at it. It’s all yours.

May I have a word?

Can you excuse me?

We’re in the middle of a conversation here.

Of course. Yes.

Oh, my God. You are a…

You look absolutely wonderful.

CHARLOTTE: Oh.

(JAMES SPEAKS FRENCH)

(CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES)

(IN ENGLISH) I have to say, I have been

so impressed by your initiative.

Does this mean I can add Canada

to the list of countries taking part?

(CLICKS TONGUE) On one condition.

Let me guess.

You want fewer restrictions on lumber.

I don’t care about lumber.

I just want to dance.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Sure.

(SLOW TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

Wow.

You know when you see something,

and it just looks right.

Like a Kangol hat on Samuel L. Jackson.

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm.

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

(WHISPERING) I’m worthy of love.

I’m worthy of love.

What the fuck are you saying?

Nothing.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Bonjour, ma’am.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

Agent E, look alive.

Hi.

Hey.

I hear you have a crush on me.

I do. (CHUCKLES)

Kinda have a crush on you, too.

Well, that’s cool.

Hey, I know I asked earlier.

But, uh…

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you want to dance with me?

It’s a dope song.

Really fucking good song.

Maybe the best song ever written.

Yeah.

(SINGING ALONG)

(BOTH SINGING ALONG)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(GASPS)

I want you to fuck me from behind and slap my ass really hard.

What?

What?

Nothing. What, did I say “what”?

Am I being too bossy?

No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No.

I am. I am. I’m your boss all day, and now I’m bossing you in bed.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.

No. Not at all.

My brain, honestly, just went into shock a little bit…

Yeah, but you hesitated.

No, it’s just not how I imagined you liking things.

You know what? We’ll do exactly what you were imagining. And then you turn me around and slap me on my ass and then choke me a little bit.

Oh, my God.

(EXHALES)

Whoa.

Frederick.

Margaret.

Hey, you forgot this… Oh, fuck!

Gross!

Um…

I thought you guys hated each other.

We do hate each other.

We do. Big time.

We are also fucking.

Ugh.

How long have you been fucking?

That was probably 20 minutes.

Not right now!

Oh.

A lot of questions. Um, I…

I would say anywhere between two and five… Three and a half times.

I would say on my end, five.

Three and a half sounds right.

I don’t know how you’re tallying that shit. That’s sick.

Okay, first of all, there’s a woman present.

There’s a woman in there, too?

Excuse me.

Easy.

And I got it.

Sorry.

Again.

Sorry, I’m…

A woman is present and that woman is me.

You?

TOM: We’re talking about her.

Trust me, I know, Fred.

Tom, I got this.

Ugh!

I’m gonna say goodnight.

You tuck that in. Goodnight to you.

And I will take my leave.

No. No way. I’m not touching that shit.

It’s not the worst instinct.

Guys, just…

Those hands have been places.

MAGGIE: Goodnight.

With France’s commitment, U.S. Secretary of State Charlotte Field’s noble Rehabilitation Initiative has secured the support of 100 countries.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(GASPS)

The president wants to talk to you.

We’ve set up the tent in the next room, Madam Secretary.

Tell him hi.

Mr. President. Bonjour.

CHAMBERS: (ON VIDEO) Charlie, bonjour.

Hey, what’s this I hear about an environmental treaty thing?

Oh, it’s the Global

Rehabilitation Initiative, sir.

It’s been on your desk for the last three weeks. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, well, we ran it up the flagpole and it’s ruffling some feathers.

Sir, you are the flagpole.

There are actually quite a few flagpoles in this joint.

We need you to revise it.

Sir?

We need you to kill the trees.

Why would he do that?

Because he’s funded by a bunch of fucking rich assholes and I probably pissed one of them off.

Can I just say the optics of this are actually not that different?

The initiative still has the same name.

It sounds very impressive, which is ultimately all that matters.

I actually cared about this.

Now what am I fucking left with? Bees?

I don’t even like bees.

Do you have to listen to him?

Yes. I have to listen to him.

Because unless he endorses me, I won’t win.

And this whole fucking show would have been for nothing.

Well, maybe you don’t need his endorsement to win.

You know? People are digging your shit.

And your numbers are good.

You know what, Fred? She needs a little alone time.

Right, she probably just needs a friend right now.

MAGGIE: Time to go, buddy.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God.

Maggie, just give me a second alone with Fred, please.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)

I don’t wanna do this job anymore.

I fuckin’ hate it.

I mean, what’s the point?

Every time I do something, it just gets undone.

I’m sorry.

I just wanna be a normal person

and not give a fuck about anything

just like the rest of the world.

Yeah, most people don’t give a shit about anything.

I bet it’s really nice.

That’s what I want.

I don’t know how to give that to you.

Let’s get fucked up.

Fucked up?

Yeah.

Like a few beers fucked up

or more than that fucked up?

Like super fucked up.

I want to smoke a Molly with you.

(SNORTS)

What?

That’s not, um…

That’s not how you take it, but…

How do you take it?

It’s a pill. You take it in your mouth.

But I don’t know if you wanna do it.

Why not?

I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.

As your boss, I’m ordering you to get me a Molly.

Oh, man.

You good?

(ECHOING) I don’t feel anything.

You don’t feel it?

No, I don’t feel a fucking thing.

Ooh! Wow.

…Was right.

Holy fuck…

(GRUNTING) No!

My jaw feels really weird.

Yeah, that’s the drugs.

Drugs love a jaw.

I want more.

No, no, no, no.

Maybe in like an hour.

We should do it now.

(FIREWORKS BURSTING)

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

Yes, motherfuckers!

I could do this forever!

We’re gonna.

I know I’ve been like…

I’ve been, like, playing it pretty cool.

Like I’ve probably been a little hard to read,

and I’ve been acting kinda, like, aloof,

maybe like I don’t care that much.

But I don’t wanna do that anymore. I really like you.

You haven’t been playing it cool at all.

You just followed me into the bathroom.

Yeah, to talk.

I really like you, too!

Really?

Yeah!

Yeah!

(BOTH YELLING)

Madam Secretary!

Yeah! Whoa!

Madam Secretary! Listen to me!

Dance with me, Steven! Dance!

We have a situation.

Huh?

(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)

(STAMMERS)

FRED: Yo.

How much longer is this Molly stuff gonna last?

We just re-upped.

You kept saying you wanted to take more, so we did.

So we have another maybe four or five hours.

Yeah. Why?

I’m in so much trouble.

FRED: What’s happening?

I’m gonna be in so much trouble.

What’s happening? Are they outta water?

One of our U2s went down

while performing a standard fly-over in Kashtari airspace.

The pilot was able to eject,

but it appears he was taken by the Kashtari military.

Thank you, General.

Prime Minister Bharath is refusing

to return the pilot to United States custody.

He’s personally hurt by the many insults

hurled at him by POTUS.

Good job. All right.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

It’s gonna be okay in there, right?

That’s up to you, ma’am.

(EXHALES) Oh, God. You got this.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I can hold onto your sunglasses for you, if you’d like.

Oh, no. I have alopecia. In both eyes.

(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello.

BHARATH: (LOUDLY ON PHONE) Secretary Field!

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God!

Hello, Bharath? Hey.

I hear we have a situation here?

One that we both probably want resolved.

Very quickly…

You’re not going to bully me this time, Madam Secretary.

Your man will stay here

until your president personally apologizes to me.

Over Instagram.

He won’t do that.

Yeah, no. Yes…

(WHISPERS) Yo.

Yes?

Can I level with you?

Can I fill you in on something?

Go ahead.

Me and Charlotte, we’re fucked up right now.

We’re on drugs.

First of all, I don’t wanna talk about that.

Why? We can’t talk about the drugs.

Do you know we’re on drugs?

I don’t wanna talk about that in this room.

What’s happening?

(MOUTHING)

We’re on drugs right now.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

That’s funny. That’s a funny joke!

FRED: What’s a joke? We’re on fucking drugs…

(MOUTHING)

Are we going somewhere?

(MOUTHING)

What is that?

What is happening? We’re on drugs right now.

So you’re admitting that the United States government

ordered these planes to spy on my country?

No.

(MOUTHS)

No! No! Of course not!

That’s what it sounded like. Face it.

You have no leverage here.

Match his aggression, Madam. It’s the only way out of this.

I don’t know, he seems really fucking pissed off.

Get more fucking pissed.

Let him know who’s really in charge.

(GRUNTS)

(BANGS)

(SOFTLY) Oh, my God, that really hurt.

I gotta be honest, I’m not…

I’m not feeling all this aggression stuff.

I’m into more of, like, a chilled vibe.

You know, just feeling…

God, are those Gauloises?

Just, I’m so…

I’m just gonna bum one.

Just give me one sec.

Don’t worry.

Bharath.

Hello?

Listen.

Mmm. Mmm.

You and I are in the same boat, my friend.

How is that the case?

We both have to deal with my boss

and we both think he is an asshole.

You also think he’s an asshole?

Oh, my God, he’s such an asshole.

His stupid fucking TV show

was like, good for three episodes

and then it just didn’t make any sense.

(SIGHS) Fuck, it feels good to say that.

Listen.

You need to keep this on the real DL.

We both know that the U.S. does not

negotiate with terrorists.

But, we do negotiate with homies.

So if you give us our guy back,

I’m gonna hook you up with a sweet aid package.

So not only do you not have to keep a guy hostage,

which is a pretty shitty thing to do.

I mean, I’ve done it myself.

Don’t tell anybody, super classified.

It sucks, I hate it.

Yeah. So, why don’t we instead

save a ton of lives?

I mean, that’s pretty fucking awesome, right?

I think this is a really good idea.

What do you say?

Ma’am.

Hostage saved, motherfuckers!

Yeah, yeah!

(BOTH CHEERING)

She did it! She did it!

She did it!

I’m here with Secretary of State Charlotte Field.

Who, after a tense and complicated negotiation

with Kashtar, has secured the release

of the pilot of the U.S. spy plane that went down

over Kashtari airspace.

I know, right. (SOFTLY) Crazy.

REPORTER: And this is all in the midst

of the success of your environmental initiative,

which I understand has secured the support of 100 countries.

CHARLOTTE: Yes, um…

Ooh, sore subject.

I’m very happy to announce that

not only do I have the support of those 100 countries,

but the president himself called me personally

just to tell me how psyched he is about this initiative…

Did he call? Did he call?

That didn’t happen.

…don’t change a word,

especially the part, uh, with the trees.

That’s a lie.

CHARLOTTE: So, all in all,

I’m just… Well,

I kinda feel like I’m just kinda crushing it right now.

Thank you so much. So… Thank you.

Thank you.

The incredible Charlotte Field.

Who clearly still feels the effects

of the intense all-night hostage situation. (CHUCKLES)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

After negotiating the release of Lieutenant Gary Smith…

Charlotte Field’s popularity continues to skyrocket…

In the newest Gallup poll, 68%…

…are women mentally unfit to hold the presidency?

Here to chat about it is Chris Brown,

Jeremy Piven, and Brett Ratner.

In the wake of her successful hostage negotiation,

Charlotte Field’s poll numbers keep going up.

MALE REPORTER: I’d like to apologize

to Charlotte, and anyone out there

who was upset yesterday when I called her Booby-McBoobson.

Give me the president’s office.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yep?

MAGGIE: Can I talk to you for a second?

Of course.

We got some new polling that I thought I’d share with you.

All right.

MAGGIE: It feels like everything

is kinda falling into place for us.

So we thought we’d dig a little deeper

and make sure there are no surprises.

Why are you acting so weird?

It’s good.

We got some really helpful feedback.

From the public.

So we asked a thousand constituents

how they would feel

if, say, Princess Di…

CHARLOTTE: Hmm.

…if she were to start dating

Guy Fieri.

I don’t even know who that is.

MAGGIE: They don’t like that.

CHARLOTTE: Yeah.

MAGGIE: Or Kate Middleton

were to start dating Danny DeVito.

I see where you’re going with this.

Pretty negative reaction.

Or if Jennifer Lawrence

were to start dating this potato in a teal windbreaker.

They would be very upset.

You did a lot of work,

and I…

Well, but, can I just finish?

No, that’s, like, a lot of… I get it.

Madam Secretary. I have no desire

to limit your romantic life.

Good.

But the optics of you and Fred

will make a presidential run very challenging.

Fred is a journalist.

Who’s written some extremely fucked-up stuff.

No. That’s exposed some really fucked-up stuff.

And I just want to know for myself,

you’re comfortable with putting everything on the line for a hookup?

Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING)

Why are we having this conversation?

This is insane.

I don’t have to explain myself to you.

I’m sorry. I really don’t understand this.

And I fucking love you, Charlotte.

I want you to be happy.

But more than that, I want you to be in charge.

And I want you to be president.

For the sake of the future of our country.

Look, there’s another option.

There’s a guy who works for the Secret Service

whose job it is to handle the mistresses…

Maggie. You’re gonna have to stop.

And there are a series of tunnels in the White House

that Woodrow Wilson…

That’s enough.

Fred is not an idea

that I’m floating by you for your approval.

And you’re getting very close to crossing a line.

Okay. Got it.

Goodnight, Madam Secretary.

(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)

When I grow up, I want to be Charlotte Field.

Because she’s smart and pretty

and she’s going to be president.

(SIGHS)

(BUZZER BUZZES)

I will be that little girl’s president.

Thank you, and God bless America.

MAGGIE: Massive applause. Massive cheering.

At that point, I think the stage would descend,

right, and then Lil Uzi Vert or Charli XCX

would join hands with the Harlem Boys Choir…

Well, I said we’ll figure that out later.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Uh, Madam Secretary,

the president would like to see you right now.

Shit.

Damn it!

The nation is at war!

I find myself torn.

Torn between my personal love and my love of country…

Sir, is this a good time?

Oh, hi, Charlotte. No, I’m just running lines.

Oh.

CHAMBERS: All right.

Clear the room. Everybody, just Charlotte, please.

(INAUDIBLE)

Thanks.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

Is everything okay, sir?

PARKER: Oh, look who it is.

She’s here at last.

You gotta love that secret door. Sit down.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

This feels like an ambush.

Well, in the entertainment world,

we call this a surprise walk-on.

You see, Charlotte,

we have a number of business interests

and that, you know, may be gravely affected

by this agreement of yours.

Yeah. Uh, aside from getting into film,

I’m looking to use my connections as president

to expand my investment portfolio.

Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher type thing, you know.

I mean, that guy is killing with acting and investing…

I think what the president is trying to say,

is that the server farm we want to build in Alaska

is sitting on 10 miles of land which will now be

protected by your initiative.

Move your server farm.

PARKER: We want to build it in Alaska.

There’s plenty of room for expansion.

Charlotte. I’m surprised that it’s come to this.

You’re usually so agreeable.

But I watched you undermine me

on TV the other day.

TV of all places.

That’s my medium. All right?

You used TV against me!

That was your first mistake.

Look, I’m about to give you the easiest ultimatum

that you’re ever, ever gonna receive.

Drop the tree thing.

Or?

PARKER: Or…

We will release the content of your friend’s hard drive.

We found a lot of interesting stuff

when we hacked into his webcam.

Now here is a little taster.

Yo, Charlotte, it’s Fred.

Uh, you want to come to my room

and have sex with me really fast?

Oh no, don’t worry. I’ll find ways to kill time today.

It’s cool. Just let me know when you’re back.

Great.

(HANGS UP PHONE)

(FORWARDING)

CHARLOTTE: (ON VIDEO) …important to me.

That’s a good speech.

CHARLOTTE: The band of misfits fight back…

Nice dress.

…against the bullies.

Never giving up.

Never laying down.

(FORWARDING)

CHARLOTTE: In high school,

I would talk about the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself on a soapbox

rambling on and on about the injustices

of the world.

Which makes you extremely popular…

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

…especially when everybody would rather be watching

Beverly Hills, 90210.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, wow.

(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, boy!

Oh, no… Yucky.

(CHARLOTTE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON VIDEO)

FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, boy!

What the fuck?

Oh, my God! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened.

You don’t have to be sorry.

What do we do?

This is what everyone was afraid was gonna happen,

because of me.

And now it’s happening because of me.

Do I get a publicist?

No.

Do I do a publicity tour?

Stop.

Do we have a press conference?

Fred, listen to me. I took the deal.

What?

We scratched the tree thing

and I have a real shot at becoming president.

And some billionaire motherfucker

gets to blackmail you? Using me?

Doing something that everybody does?

Out of a policy that you cared about,

since you were in middle school.

Since I’ve known you, you’ve cared about this.

And now you’re just gonna get rid of it?

I’m trying to compromise here for a bigger goal.

Well, I don’t think you should right now.

Oh, my God!

Of course you don’t think I should.

You never compromise for anything in your life,

which gives you the perfect excuse to fail.

Well, it’s better than maybe bending over backwards

for anyone who asked,

to the point that you don’t even know

why the fuck you’re doing this shit anymore!

In my world, in order to achieve

what I’m trying to achieve, I have to compromise.

Oh, why, because you’re a woman?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Okay, that makes sense.

And because I’m not giving up everything I’ve ever wanted

just because it doesn’t live up to your moral code.

I don’t care if this tape comes out. I really don’t.

Oh, my God, Fred.

I’ll be okay.

You don’t have to do this for me.

You’re not doing this for me.

(SCOFFS) Obviously.

Look, you and I both know

the woman who stands beside the guy

that’s coming on his face gets way more scrutiny

than the guy who’s actually coming on his face.

Don’t know if that’s happened enough

for there to be, like, a precedent for it.

So, who knows? Maybe that won’t be the case this time.

Who knows? Maybe people will think it’s romantic.

I’m jerking… I’m jerking off to you.

You don’t know how people are gonna react.

I’m not taking that risk.

(SIGHS)

I can’t do it.

Okay.

So the video doesn’t come out, what happens to us?

I was talking to Maggie, and she knows

this consultant who could scrub your history.

We could make sure nothing else like this

pops up and surprises us.

And then we just… We work on your image,

and we figure out how we want to

present ourselves as a couple to the public.

That’s all.

Okay.

Okay.

How long… How long will it take,

do you think, to create

an image of me that we can present to the public?

Just through the first couple months of the campaign.

You think? But you don’t know that, right?

It could take longer than that.

In a couple of months, you could find that it’s not a good moment

to introduce a new boyfriend, right?

And then we’d have to wait a couple more months.

I don’t know how long it’s gonna take, Fred.

And then meanwhile,

you’re pretending not to date me.

And you’re scrubbing my Internet history?

So my articles are gone.

And you, like, sneak me around

like I’m Marilyn Monroe and you’re JFK?

Is that what we’re talking about?

I just want to be clear, that’s what we’re talking about.

And we have to do that because I’m…

…not right.

And then once we present us to the world,

we present a version of me that isn’t… actually me?

Yeah.

(FRED SIGHS)

I can’t do it.

I wish

that I was the type of person that could, but I can’t.

You don’t have to do it.

FRED: Don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.

Why the fuck I thought someone like her

and someone like me could work?

She’s a fucking politician. Like, I don’t even know her.

Like, I don’t know who she is.

She has no moral compass.

She’s working with fucking Democrats one day,

Republicans the next fucking day.

I mean, what’s wrong with working

with Democrats and Republicans?

That’s… That’s the whole country.

Uh, yeah, except fuck Republicans,

I guess is the problem with that.

Speaking as an American, shouldn’t you see both sides?

Yeah. I see one side’s fucking wrong.

(SCOFFS)

What’s the problem here?

I’m a Republican.

You’re fucking joking right now.

Member of the GOP! Yeah, you know me.

You’re a Republican.

Yeah, I’m a Republican!

The shit has worked out so far for me.

What the fuck, man?

All that shit you’re always saying to me!

Yeah.

Pull yourself up

by your bootstraps. And being in charge of your own destiny.

Republican shit.

Oh, and it worked on me.

And it works on a lot of people.

Oh, that’s fucking sick.

That’s right.

Ugh! That’s gross!

That Republican shit, you put it in my brain

and it made me feel good. That’s fucked up, man!

Come on. See, this is what I’m talking about,

your negative way of thinking.

I don’t even know you!

What do you mean?

Ugh!

I’m the same dude from two minutes ago.

Your best friend.

Why’d you never tell me this?

‘Cause I knew you’d act exactly how you’re acting right now.

Wait a minute.

You’re always talking about how, like, the universe has a plan for all of us…

Take it easy.

There’s someone watching over us at all times.

Yeah.

Does that mean…

I’m a man of Christian faith.

What the fuck!

Now, come on now! We pray for you!

Don’t pray for me! Keep it!

Lord.

Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God!

He doesn’t mean that.

Don’t pray for me!

You are trippin’ right now.

I’m not fucking trippin’! How could you be Christian?

I wear this cross, every day, since you’ve known me!

What did you think it was for?

I thought it was… (SIGHS)

…a cultural thing.

You mean like, ’cause I’m black?

That’s what I thought, yeah.

That might be.

But that don’t mean what you said ain’t racist.

You’re right.

Yeah, I know I’m right!

Fuck.

That’s racist as shit!

All right, dude… I love you, man.

But you’re very judgmental. They don’t want politics

to get into this, because you’ve never really

been good at looking at shit

from other people’s perspective, Fred.

I know.

It might explain

why you haven’t been able to look at this through Charlotte’s eyes.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you couldn’t be who you are around me,

and you had to hide your true self.

That’s really fucked up.

That’s all right, man.

But my love for the GOP and the G-O-D has nothing to do with us.

I’m racist. You’re a Republican. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

JAMES: Polls suggested I should get into yoga, which I did and it turns out, I don’t really like yoga.

Don’t you sometimes just wish you could say,

“Fuck the polls”?

Well, polls say that people find my laugh unattractive.

So I shouldn’t laugh in public.

That was a bit of a bummer,

because I really, I like to laugh.

A lot.

Hmm.

Um, but we came up with another laugh

that was better. That’s more, uh…

Presidential, I guess.

Hmm.

(LAUGHING)

That’s good.

It’s a lot of teeth and not too much sound.

Yeah.

(SLURPS) Mmm.

So, um, after dinner,

how about we go for a drink somewhere?

Ooh.

I know this great little place that’s not too far from here.

It’s called Mini Bar.

It’s quite exclusive, you need a little key to access it.

And you get charged as you remove the bottle.

Hmm.

It’s actually more of

a small fridge than a bar.

And it’s in my room…

No, I get it.

I’m inviting you back to my room.

I…

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

That was my real laugh.

Mmm!

(CHUCKLING)

I don’t know why

they told you not to use that laugh.

It’s…

(SLURPS LOUDLY)

Big day tomorrow, Madam Secretary.

(CAR RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah. Big day.

(SIGHS)

Okay. “Hey, it’s Fred.”

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Beep.

Oh, uh, guess I got your voicemail. Um, hi.

It’s Fred.

I guess I wanna start by saying I’m really sorry.

You were right about everything

and I was wrong about everything.

And we should go along with the plan.

I can be Marilyn. I can be your Marilyn.

I’d rather be your Lady Bird,

because, you know, LBJ put a ring on that finger.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

But I would do anything to continue,

to be able to be with you.

Okay, bye.

(KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS)

So, we’re losing the trees, huh?

Yeah. POTUS talked me out of it.

I know that meant a lot to you. I’m so sorry.

Hmm, nothing we can do about it.

We need his endorsement.

Yep.

Yep.

And I am sorry about you and Fred.

You know, he called last night.

He said he’d do it, he’d go along with the plan.

(EXHALES) Really? Wow.

That’s a shock.

Um… Okay.

I’ll… I’ll start to make arrangements.

No, Maggie.

There’s nothing to do.

At the end of the day, it was never gonna work.

Well, today is such a good day,

and I am so excited.

We should be psyched.

So psyched. (CHUCKLES)

All right, I will see you out there.

All right.

LANCE: Hey, man.

Can I get a beer?

Thanks for coming.

No problem, bro.

How you feelin’ though?

(EXHALES) Okay, you know, you were right.

I called her.

I left a message. She didn’t call me back.

So… Whatever.

Sure you wanna watch this?

Yeah, I have to.

Madam Secretary, I’d like to introduce you

to Lil Yachty.

He’s going to be performing after the speech.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Yachty.

I’m a big-ass fan. I’m so excited to vote for you.

I’m sorry, it’s game time.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES ON TV)

Good morning!

Thank you, everyone, for being here with me today.

Let me start by saying something

I haven’t said since I was 16

and worked at Blockbuster Video.

(LAUGHTER)

I quit…

(CHUCKLES)

I helped write that joke.

Oh, yeah? That’s a good joke.

…as secretary of state, in order to run

for president of the United States of America.

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLING) God bless.

And I’m honored

to have the full support of President Chambers,

a man I greatly admire.

A man who is an extraordinary leader.

Man, you know who you should date?

Taylor Swift.

Hell, yeah. I could see that.

Why… Why do you think I could date Taylor Swift?

Fred, you were dating Charlotte Field.

That’s the most powerful woman on Earth!

Oh, I get it.

I don’t know what me and Taylor Swift have in common.

Y’all white. Ya ain’t got a care in the world.

That’s true.

But this campaign is not about me.

It’s about you.

It’s about us.

(WOMAN WHOOPS)

It’s about how together,

we can build the future our fellow Americans deserve.

(ALL CHEERING)

I have dreamt about this moment

(EXHALES) ever since I was a little girl

growing up in the nation’s capital.

And I know that if that young girl

could see me standing up here right now…

(SIGHS)

She would be so…

(CLICKS TONGUE)

She would be…

What’s happening?

She… She would be so disappointed in me, actually.

Yeah, the truth is, that girl

would want me to be honest

and have integrity and not be

blackmailed by evil people with evil agendas.

So instead, I’m just gonna…

I’m just gonna tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens.

So here we go.

(FEEDBACK ON MIC)

Parker Wembley and our dumb-fuck president…

Whoo!

…are doing some evil shit together.

And because I just told you now,

they’re going to release a video of a guy I dated

jerking off all over himself.

Release the video.

Get the fucking thing online. Get it online!

But don’t slut shame me. I…

I like him.

I like him a lot.

Fred, you gotta go to her.

Go get her ass, man.

And he jerks off.

And so do all of you.

Hell, yeah!

So deal with it.

Deal with it, America.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Hey! I’m Fred!

Is that an XL?

I’ve got five stars in it,

if you could speed this shit up, man!

We’ll give you extra tip, real tip.

Not Uber tip! Cash tip!

(ALL CLAMORING)

AGENT M: Get back! Get back!

Where are we going?

I don’t know.

(ALL CLAMORING)

MAGGIE: She’s leaving? Where is she going?

Shit, I don’t know. This isn’t on the itinerary.

Tom, you have to think past the itinerary!

I can’t.

LANCE: Fred, I just got a Wembley news alert

with your name on it.

FRED: Don’t open it!

FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!

(LAUGHING) Oh, Fred!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hey, it’s all right, man.

You know, we all got our things.

I don’t bust a nut on my face.

But, like…

It’s not like a thing I do!

(GUFFAWS)

Do you think that’ll, like, go viral?

(SCOFFS) This is the news!

(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.

Excuse me. Move, damn it! This man is in love.

Secretary Field just drove away,

no comment as to her destination.

We’re gonna keep tracking this story for you…

CAMERAMAN: Yo, check it out. It’s the come-guy!

MAN: Yeah, that’s him!

REPORTER: Oh, sir,

just a couple of questions. We’re live right now.

No! I’m come-guy?

No comments at this time, thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Do not touch him! Do not touch him!

Hi.

Holy shit.

Did you see my speech?

Yeah. I think everyone saw it.

Yeah.

You know, your video’s out there.

Yeah, I caught that. (CHUCKLES)

Here’s the deal. I love you.

I know I do.

Because I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.

And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein.

Just me and Saddam.

And this is way scarier.

I love you.

Okay, you’re really gonna have to say something right now.

‘Cause I’m freaking out.

I’ve been in love with you since I was 12 years old.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Oh.

Hello?

Hey, Fred, uh, there’s a million people out here

and they want to talk to the candidate and the come-guy.

So, I figured they’d hit you.

(ALL CHEERING)

LANCE: Fred!

Fred!

A crazy day.

But I’m really glad you’re all here.

I’d like to introduce you to someone.

This is Fred.

Hi, there.

My boyfriend.

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

You kind of know him already,

but you’ll get to know him a lot more

in the next few months…

‘Cause he’s gonna be right by my side on my campaign trail.

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING LOUDER)

Wakanda Forever!

Charlotte! Charlotte!

ALL: (CHANTING) Charlotte! Charlotte!

LANCE: I started the chant!

I started that chant!

…that I will faithfully execute

the office of the president of the United States.

REPORTER: What a momentous day,

our first female president.

I never thought I’d see it.

Well, I mean, a lot of people are gonna say

this is a historic moment for women everywhere,

but do we really want her finger on the button

when it’s that time of the month?

I wouldn’t want my wife making any decision

during that time of the month.

You know what? Fuck you guys. I quit.

Looks like it’s someone’s time of the month.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Looks like Aunt Flow

is going to work down at the Red River Casino… Oh!

Jesus Christ! Quick, quick, cut!

Hi! I’m the First Mister of the United States of America.

My name is Fred Field.

I took my wife’s last name.

And, uh, I’m gonna give you a tour of the White House.

We’re starting with the portraits of the first spouses.

Here we have Mamie Eisenhower.

Jackie Kennedy.

We have the beautiful Lady Bird Johnson’s portrait.

And that leads us into my portrait.

It was painted by Todd McFarlane,

who created the Spawn comics, of course.

The first versions were a little over the top.

Hi, guys.

FRED: I used to think the best way for me to change the world,

to make it a better place was through journalism.

Then I realized that’s not at all the case.

Really, the best thing I could be doing for the world

is just supporting this amazing person

and just trying to learn from her

and kinda just trying to be

the best first mister I can be.

I actually got a tattoo of the first mister insignia.

He did.

There we are.

CHARLOTTE: You’re wearing mittens.

FRED: Got little mittens on.

If you think of where this tattoo started to where it ended up.

It really has an amazing arc to it.

INTERVIEWER: What are some of the perks of your new roles?

Well, I finally get to enact my vision for America.

I finally got to find out who killed Kennedy.

Oh, my God. Don’t you dare.

I won’t say.

Don’t.

I won’t say.

Fred, I’m not kidding around.

It’s not who you think!

Don’t do it.

It’s pretty surprising.

He’s my Mister.

I’m her Mister. And she’s my president.

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