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Humane (2024) | Transcript

In the wake of an environmental collapse that is forcing humanity to shed 20% of its population, a family dinner erupts into chaos when a father's plan to enlist in the government's new euthanasia program goes horribly awry.
Humane (2024)

Humane (2024)
Genre: Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller
Director: Caitlin Cronenberg
Stars: Jay Baruchel, Emily Hampshire, Peter Gallagher, Enrico Colantoni, Sebastian Chacon

Plot: In the wake of an environmental collapse that is forcing humanity to shed 20% of its population, a family dinner erupts into chaos when a father’s plan to enlist in the government’s new euthanasia program goes horribly awry.

* * *

(overlapping voices speaking foreign languages)

(female reporter): The chilling announcement was made earlier today by the Secretary General of the UN, who was overseeing the meetings held by world leaders at their Emergency Summit in Athens.

(male politician): While we every day bear witness to the catastrophic ecological collapse that is plaguing our planet, we must not forget that this is, above all, a human crisis.

The sudden and devastating scarcity of food, water and resources, once only an issue for our most vulnerable, now spares no one, and it requires a response like none before.

(female reporter): He went on to add that starting tomorrow, all international borders will be closed, and every nation will have one year to meet their population reduction goals.

(♪ We’re Here for a Good Time ♪ by Troopers)

♪ A very good friend of mine ♪

♪ Told me something the other day ♪

♪ I’d like to pass on to you ♪

♪ ‘Cause I believe what he said to be true ♪

♪ He said we’re here for a good time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ So have a good time ♪

♪ The sun can’t shine every day ♪

♪ And the sun is shinin’ ♪

♪ In this rainy city ♪

♪ And the sun is shinin’ ♪

♪ Ooh, isn’t it a pity ♪

♪ And every year has its share of tears ♪

♪ Every now and then it’s gotta rain ♪

♪ We’re here for a good time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ So have a good time ♪

♪ The sun can’t shine every day ♪

♪ And the sun is shinin’ ♪

♪ In this rainy city ♪

♪ And the sun is shinin’ ♪

♪ Ooh, isn’t it a pity ♪

♪ And every year has its share of tears ♪

♪ Every now and then it’s gotta rain ♪

♪ We’re here for a good time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ So have a good time ♪

♪ The sun can’t shine every day ♪

♪ Shine every day ♪

♪ We’re here for a good time ♪

♪ We’re here for a good time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ So have a good time Have a good time ♪

♪ The sun can’t shine every day ♪

♪ The sun can’t shine every day ♪♪

(car stereo stops)

(crickets chirping)

(political commentator): Come on, Professor, are you seriously telling our viewers that you are in favour of conscription?

(Jared): I am in favour of this government doing whatever it takes to win this war.

(political commentator): Please stop referring to this crisis as a war. It’s not a war.

Wars have opposing sides.

(Jared): Humanity is the opposing side.

We are engaged in nothing less than a life and death struggle against our own extinction.

(political commentator): Unbelievable.

So what else are you all for?

How about lowering the age of eligibility?

(Jared): Why not?

Plenty of individuals under the age of 18 have expressed a desire, a willingness, to enlist.

I see no reason why we shouldn’t at least consider their wishes.

(political commentator): Consider the wishes of children?

(Jared): I didn’t say “children.”

But I do have a 10-year-old son myself.

10? Are you saying that this administration is considering letting 10-year-olds enlist?

Professor York I sincerely hope your son is not watching today.

(Jared): I sincerely hope he is.

He needs to know exactly what’s at stake.

Every nation on this planet needs to honour their commitments to the Athens Accord, and we are severely behind our 20% pledge.

Not enough people are willing to enlist!

(slams fist) Fuck that guy!

I don’t see him signing up.

(Jared): Our government come up with its initial enlistment estimates. Okay?

I am sorry, Mr. York.

(Jared): I made the mistake of assuming…

(Charles): No apology needed.

(Jared): Selfless enough to willingly enlist.

I agree.

(Jared): To volunteer.

Turns out people are far more selfish than I believed they were.

(eerie music)

(TV reporter): The fallout continues over the Kremlin’s announcement last week that Russia has satisfied their commitment to the Athens Accord three months ahead of the UN deadline.

Oh, you’re already working on the mackerel?

It must be wonderful to be handling fresh seafood again.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And I’m including my years as a war correspondent.

The piano looks so strange in the bedroom.

But you were right.

It fits.

Want to come up and see for yourself?

There’s still time before the kids arrive.

Oh, Dawn.

I’m sorry.

You said you wanted to cook.

I’ll go.

(Dawn sobs quietly)

Oh, honey. Come.

(TV reporter): “…this is fake news.

We are not a branch of the military.

We’re a department made up of compassionate individuals

“dedicated to helping our nation in its greatest hour of need.”

Coming up after the break,

we’ll bring you more on the York Therapeutics

class-action trial.

The courtroom erupted today

when one of the plaintiffs confronted CEO Rachel York,

blaming Ms. York personally for her debilitating chronic pain.

(tires squeal)

(engine revs)

(female computer voice): Exterior UV levels are moderate.

Proceed with caution.

(phone rings)

Hello?

(Beth): What the fuck is the matter with you?!

You go on TV and you tell your son that he should kill himself?

That’s not what I said, Beth.

I didn’t say he should kill himself.

That reporter fucking twisted my words.

(Beth): No, no, no. Don’t blame the interviewer, Jared.

Okay? You said what you said, and now Lucas is

is bawling his eyes out.

Um, okay.

Um… can I just speak to him?

Would you mind putting him on the phone?

I’d love to chat with him.

(Beth): No! Not a chance!

Are you kidding me?

He doesn’t want to speak to you.

Can I just come by later?

I’ll be gone before curfew.

(Beth): No. No, you can’t come by.

I swear to God, Beth,

I didn’t say our son should enlist.

(phone beeps off)

(helicopter overhead)

Fuck my life.

Oh!

What?

Dawn, most of this stuff is prohibited.

Where’d you get it?

(speaking Korean)

(Jared): Oh, for God’s sake.

(sighs)

Is Noah coming tonight or something?

(Dawn): Of course he is.

He’s your brother.

(Jared): I mean, adopted.

Why don’t you go relax in the living room until your father comes downstairs?

Hm?

(eerie music)

(Mia): Just send me home in an Uber.

I’m fine now. They don’t want me here.

(Rachel): I don’t care what they want.

You’re staying with me.

Was that grandpa’s new car in the driveway?

(Rachel): No, that’s your Uncle Jared’s midlife crisis.

I don’t think it’s electric.

Oh, it’s not.

She forced me to come.

Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart.

You know I’m always happy to see you.

Mia, go ask Uncle Jared about his car.

I said this was an adults-only evening.

She shouldn’t be here.

Yeah, well, you didn’t see her when I got home.

She saw me on the news and she was a wreck.

I couldn’t leave her.

Poor Mia.

If you don’t want her here, we’re both leaving.

I don’t have time for whatever this is anyway.

No, no. It’s okay.

Stay.

Please stay.

Now…

How are things going with the lawsuit?

(scoffs)

(Rachel): Mm! Smells good in here.

(♪♪)

(cell beeps)

Hey, what happened?

I can’t do it.

I thought that I could, but the timing’s not right and…

I don’t know, Grace.

The last time I saw him,

he wouldn’t even look at me.

(Grace): No matter what your dad has planned,

he’s not going to be upset by what you have to say

after what he just did for you.

I know what he did for me.

But you don’t know him.

You’ve never met him!

He hates surprises and I can’t just hijack his night

because he’d hate that.

And that’s okay because I just… I need…

(Grace): Noah.

I need more time.

Noah.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Picture yourself calm.

Picture yourself in the place you’re most comfortable.

Now tell me: What do you see?

Our apartment.

You.

Just you.

(Grace): Go home.

I’ll meet you there soon.

We can get under the sheets and watch TV.

I love you. And I love you.

(Ashley): Uh-uh. Not a chance.

If I’m doing this, so are you.

Get in!

In case you’re wondering,

I just had a commercial audition for a video game.

It’s great. You know?

Five years of theatre school

and this is what my life has come to:

Praying to book a commercial for a video game.

I’m sorry, Ash.

Something I could do?

Yeah, you could convince

the 50 other girls I’m up against

to enlist.

That could help me a lot.

I could try.

Okay. Thank you. (Laughs)

I’m pretty convincing.

Yeah, you are.

(laughs)

(Noah): Any idea why Dad invited us to…

No. Uh… my guess is he’s gonna tell us

that he’s going back to work.

Must be killing him he retired

just before the story of the century broke.

And you know Dad, it’s all about his legacy.

(laughs)

Why did I even bother coming?

Hang tight.

Who’s Grace?

Uh… (chuckles nervously)

Nobody. Just a friend.

Oh, my God, do you have a booty call after dinner?

I mean, it’s not a booty call if you live together.

(sinister music)

I met her, um… at a meeting.

You know, she’s been clean for a long time, and…

Look, I was gonna tell Dad tonight,

but it’s not the time

because I don’t want to get in the way of

you know, whatever, and…

Could we just… just not… say anything to him?

Yeah, no, I won’t.

Please, just…?

Yeah.

Won’t say… anything.

Please don’t hate me.

I could never hate you.

It’s you and me against the world… always.

Just… no more secrets.

Promise.

Promise.

Okay.

(Dawn): Like this.

That’s it!

You’re a natural.

(Mia): Uncle Noah!

Auntie Ashley!

Hey, Nugget. I’ve missed you.

Hi!

(soft music)

You look good, Son.

Oh, really good.

(Jared): Hm.

“Hey, Ashley, you look good, too.”

Hey, Ashley, you look good, too.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Okay! Everyone to the table.

Time for kaiseki.

(classical piano music)

Thank you.

(Noah): Thank you, Dawn.

Wow.

(Dawn): Just in case.

(all chuckle)

This is sakizuke, the appetizer.

Miso-marinated tofu with grilled aubergine

and seasonal vegetables.

This is the first dish I learned to make

when I started my training in Japan.

Oh, Dawn, this is like a work of art.

Your guests must go crazy for this.

She closed her restaurant.

A toast.

We are so happy you all joined us tonight for a family dinner.

It’s so important.

I am so sorry my work kept me

from being home for dinner

so often.

And breakfast. And lunch.

(Jared chuckles)

Sorry, I was just…

(Charles): No, no. You’re right.

It’s inexcusable.

I loved my job.

But you’re my children.

And I should’ve been here for you.

(chuckles ruefully)

I should’ve been here.

Oh, well, that’s not much of a toast, is it?

What I’m trying to say is

we are so happy all of you could join us.

It means the world to us.

To family.

(all): To family.

To… family.

(Ashley): Oh, my God, I’m gonna burst.

Please tell me that’s it.

(laughs) Still one more course,

the mizumono.

A very small dessert.

So before dessert, I, um…

I do have something that, uh, I want to say to everyone.

And we can’t wait to hear it, but first…

I think these two need to tell us

what the fuck we’re all doing here.

Rachel.

(Rachel): What?!

You invited us here for this

fabulous fancy dinner,

told us we couldn’t invite anybody, what is going on?

We’ve decided to enlist.

What…?

Mia, go watch TV.

No, I want to stay.

Mia, go.

That’s why we wanted only adults here this evening.

(Rachel): Well, if you would’ve given me a heads-up

on what this night was all about,

I would’ve found a fucking sitter.

Rachel, watch your mouth.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You’ve got a lot of nerve

telling me to watch my fucking…

Watch! Your! Mouth!

Save my dessert.

No social media.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

If you’d like to talk about this in a respectful manner,

we’re here for questions.

Yeah, I’ll go first. Uh, why?

Why would you enlist?

You don’t need the money.

(Charles): For over three decades I delivered the evening news,

and there was not a week that went by

where I was not reporting on some horrific

ecological disaster.

Droughts, floods, wildfires.

Crumbling glaciers.

I remember vividly staring into my monitor

the day that the Amazon rainforest

burnt out of existence, just gone.

And I knew full well

that the last thing this planet needed

was more people.

And what did I do? I had children.

(Charles): Four of them.

Oh, my God!

(Rachel laughs)

(Charles): And now, the government is talking about

drafting people to be euthanized.

If any of your names were called,

I couldn’t live with myself.

They won’t call our names.

(Charles): You don’t know that.

I do, I do, I do.

And even if they did, they can’t call all of us.

Okay, I’m not supposed to say any of this yet,

but the legislation only permits one person per family.

That means if one of us were called,

the rest of us would be safe.

And if at that point you felt inclined

to take one of our places, you could,

because they’re going to let parents do that.

But none of that’s gonna happen

because these rules aren’t made for people like us.

So let’s just fucking forget it.

We can’t take that chance.

Oh, my God.

Both our first marriages ended tragically.

Neither of us ever expected to find love again,

but by the grace of God, we did.

And we think this is the right thing to do.

Okay, I’m going to try my hardest not to swear.

Um, but Dawn, why would you agree to this bullshit?

Well, we were thinking we’re both public figures,

and we believe if we do this, we can set a good example.

(Ashley): Oh, my God.

This is about elevating the York name, isn’t it?

(Charles): No, it’s not.

It’s about doing the right thing.

No, it’s not.

It’s about the fact that we all embarrass you.

(Rachel scoffs)

What?

It’s true.

I mean, much to your obvious disappointment,

none of us turned out to be anything special,

so enlisting is your way of going out

with the York name forever remembered

as the epitome of self-sacrifice.

Dawn, be honest with me: This wasn’t your idea, right?

My dad convinced you?

We decided together.

Bullshit.

Everybody just leave Dawn alone.

I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I just…

Son! Sit down.

(Noah): I gotta go.

Please stay. Please!

No, this is not…

Dad… dad, you just said…

You just said that you want to spend more time with us?

And, and… this doesn’t make any… any fucking sense!

It doesn’t make any sense!

Noah, stop! Put that down!

(cane clatters loudly)

We’ll continue this discussion after dessert.

Right, dessert!

Yeah.

(Dawn): I will come and get you when it’s ready.

(TV reporter): The rioting continued throughout the night

with protestors vowing not to give up

until the government provides transparency

into the full extent of D.O.C.S. powers.

We’ll be right back.

(male announcer): Week 39 Enlisters of the Week are Luis and Rosa Gonzalez.

Luis was employed as a high school custodian for 25 years,

while Rosa stayed home and raised their son, Ignacio.

Luis and Rosa bestowed their enlistment benefit payments

to Ignacio and his new bride, Maria,

who plan to use the money to buy their first home.

Luis and Rosa, a grateful nation thanks you.

(A door closes.)

(Noah): Dad, look, you don’t have to do this.

I have a friend in the program.

He says the government is lying

about the enlistment numbers.

(Jared): Oh, fuck, here we go.

Conspiracy theory time, is it?

(Noah): He’s not a wacko, Jared.

He works for a watchdog group,

and Dad, what they’re saying is that way more

than 9% of people have enlisted.

It’s more like 16%.

Yeah, what’s this person’s name?

His name, why?

(Jared): Because people who spread disinformation

should be held accountable, so what’s his name?

His name is the same as mine.

He’s anonymous.

Oh, he’s anonymous.

Those ones are always the bravest.

I assume you told this fucking clown

he has no idea what he’s talking about.

(Charles): How do you know?

You don’t know this person.

No, but I do know

this person is speaking utter nonsense.

Why would the government lie about that?

Why would they lie?

You do know who’s enlisting, don’t you?

And it’s only gotten worse

since they opened up enlistment

to undocumented immigrants.

Now, that’s a very unfair picture you’re painting.

That’s a very popular program.

First off, those people are paid.

Second off,

their children are fast-tracked

toward citizenship.

“Those people”?

(Jared): Oh, for fuck’s sakes,

that’s not what I meant.

I just meant it is a

very good opportunity for people

like him.

Jared, he is your brother.

(Jared): I said “like him,” I don’t mean him.

He’s got all the opportunity he needs.

Rachel, please help me out here.

No. Never, never.

Okay, guys, I know that, yeah, times are grim

and rumours are swirling.

But this administration

would never fabricate enlistment numbers

just to gerrymander, trust me!

Why should we trust you?

You’re on TV every day defending a government

that is made up of the same buffoons

who would come onto my show

and deny that climate change even existed.

I don’t know why I expected anything different from you.

You spent an entire career in mainstream media

just pointing fingers.

Asking questions is not pointing fingers.

Pointing fingers is when this administration

repeatedly refers to this crisis as the “Asian Collapse.”

But that’s true!

China, Japan, India, they’re responsible for this!

Shame on you!

That sort of hateful rhetoric

is why Dawn can’t even go outside anymore.

For God’s sake!

They burned down her restaurant.

Oh, I know you crave the spotlight, Jared.

But you’re embarrassing yourself.

And you embarrass me.

Okay, cool.

So, I guess next time

I go on television,

I should just make a pit stop

at one of Noah’s meetings

and just see what the deadbeat junkies have to say?

Jared, shut up!

He met his girlfriend at a meeting.

(laughs)

You’re dating another addict?

Son?

(exhales sharply) Her name is Grace.

And um

she… she’s been clean for 10 years, Dad.

And

she’s been very, very good for me.

Do you have a picture?

(sighs)

Yeah.

(Charles): Well, she’s lovely.

What does she do?

She’s a manager at Sports World at the Oakwood Mall.

And…

I work there, too.

Um… I play the piano in the food court.

You’re playing again?

(Jared): Just jazz standards and Muzak.

You know, it’s nothing.

No, it’s not nothing.

It’s perfect.

Well, I better go help Dawn.

(Jared): Anyone else see the way he

bandied about that fireplace poker?

I thought he was gonna kill me.

Can I see?

(eerie music)

(Ashley): Oh! My God!

(indistinct chatter)

She’s gone.

(Rachel): What?

“I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I will always love you, Dawn.”

What does she mean, “I can’t do it”?

Dad, did you already sign up?

(doorbell)

Hi, I’m Bob.

(Mia): It’s them!

Oh, they’re early.

(Ashley): What?

(tense music)

(knocking on door)

(Bob): Hey, Bob from D.O.C.S.,

Department of Citizen Strategy.

I’m sorry we’re a bit early.

Our last appointment was a no-show.

You scheduled it for tonight?

We wanted you all here with us

as we said goodbye.

What the fuck, Dad!

You can’t just spring that on us!

(knock at door)

Tell him to leave! We’re not done here.

(heavy knocking)

Jesus!

Hi. Bob again.

We can’t park our vehicle in the driveway

with all the cars.

Mind if we park it

along the side here?

It’s a tight fit, but Tony’s a pro.

Uh… sure.

Yeah, okay, Tony, we’re good.

Alright.

Well… normally, I’d start by asking who people are,

but I… I certainly know who you are, sir.

I’m a big fan.

“Charles York: Most Reliable Source for News.”

Is that James Earl Jones who does that voice?

No, that’s CNN. That was years ago.

Anyway, I love it. I love it.

It makes you want to listen, you know?

Uh… (whistles)

Wow! You’re married to Dawn Kim.

I saw her on Iron Chef.

Me and the missus have always wanted

to go to her restaurant,

but just a little too rich for our blood, you know.

Anyway. Do you mind if I come in,

or did you want to do the procedures

in the driveway? (Laughs)

(clears throat)

I’m so sorry. That was rude.

That was rude.

I’m just a little out of sorts these days.

It’s just impossible to take time off right now.

(whistles) Circling back. May I come in?

Please. Come in.

Hello. I’m Bob.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

(whistles) Wow!

This place is stunning.

I don’t get to see inside a lot of houses

in this neighbourhood.

I love how you’ve updated things

and kept the historical elements.

And that chandelier just, like… (sniffs)

Fish?

Yes. Uh, hi, I’m Jared.

I’m Charles’s son.

I know you. You’re on TV, too.

I… I am! Yeah, lately, anyway.

You’re that government guy.

Well, no. I’m… I’m an anthropologist.

But I have been working in coordination

with the government.

Ah, that’s great. Where’s Dawn?

Uh, she’s not here.

She got cold feet and she left.

Oh. So it’s just you, then.

Yes. But my wife and I decided to enlist together,

so if it’s alright with you,

I’d like to ask you to come back another time.

I’m sure once she and I connect,

she’ll be back on board.

That’s… that’s great. Yeah, right.

Do you… uh, can I talk to you in private for a sec?

I mean, don’t worry. Don’t worry.

Just need to sign some confidential paperwork

to cancel the procedure.

You know the government

and their paperwork?

Like a dog with a bone. (Barks)

Absolutely. I’ll sign whatever.

Please follow me.

(Bob): Just initial the bottom of each page,

sign the last one, and we’re all set.

Fine. Well…

I’d like to look it over first.

Sure. Take your time.

(Bob whistles)

Wow. That’s Mandela.

I recognize him.

And Bono.

Whew! Is that Queen B?

Oh, my God, I love her. It is, isn’t it?

Oh, what a life you’ve led, my friend.

By all accounts, a virtuous one.

Not everyone can say that.

Some men in your position,

well, they take advantage.

Lives ruined, careers destroyed, and all for what?

A little… a little hanky-panky.

Yeah.

When those bozos are gone,

all anyone is gonna remember is the nasty stuff.

Not you.

When you’re gone,

people are gonna remember you

as one of the greats.

That is unless something comes to light

that makes people see you differently.

What is this?

I’m not signing this.

Do you know who I am?

I do.

As I said, I’m a big fan,

and I will never stop feeling that way toward you.

No matter what list your name is on.

(sinister music)

(inaudible chatter)

(♪♪)

(mournful music)

The way he plays

it’s beautiful.

Dad, I don’t understand.

You said that you wanted to do this with Dawn.

What changed?

Did he…?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

And you were right.

I did try to convince Dawn to enlist.

But I’m still set on doing this.

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father.

I was too hard on all of you.

Especially after your mother died.

The estate will be divided evenly amongst you all.

Be good to one another.

(Mia crying): Mom!

(Charles): Support one another.

Do better than I did.

(Noah continues to play the piano)

(Bob): This is the an aesthetic.

Once I administer it,

you’ll fall asleep and you won’t feel a thing.

(piano playing ends)

(Mia): Grandpa! (Crying)

(loud clatter)

(gurney wheels squeak)

(door slams)

(Bob): That was very moving.

From the music to the reconciliations.

I mean, that procedure ranked right up there

with the best of them.

Just go.

Alright, then.

Bye.

Oh… I can’t leave quite yet.

Why not?

You’re not gonna like this.

But I need a second cadaver.

A body. I need a second body.

No, I already told you: Dawn left.

No, and that’s unfortunate.

But we’re here to collect, um

two bodies.

What’s he talking about?

You’re scaring my niece. Get out.

Fine, fine…

(tense music)

Holy shit!

(Ashley): Oh, my God!

(Rachel): Jesus Christ!

(Bob): Calm down, calm down.

Mom!

(Bob): It’s alright.

Look, we’ve got three hours until our next appointment,

then it’s… what? Roughly a half hour from here.

Another half hour to perform the procedure.

And that leaves you two full hours to decide

which one of you is gonna take Dawn’s place.

(Jared): Okay. I don’t know if this is

some kind of ill-timed joke,

but it ends now.

Uh… I’m calling some friends of mine in the Administration.

Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. We scrambled the house.

We can’t have you wasting time

when you should be concentrating

on the task at hand.

Now the little one here. Mia, right?

You don’t talk to her.

Relax. I was just gonna tell you that she’s exempt.

We don’t get paid for minors.

Paid?

Well, sure.

D.O.C.S. contracts out cadaver collections

to private companies

such as the one that employs me and my colleagues here.

We used to work in Corrections,

but prisons emptied out in a hurry

when enlistment opened up

to incarcerated convicts.

It’s such a shame, too.

Housing, feeding convicts over time

paid a lot more dough than cadaver procurement.

That’s strictly a one-time fee,

and currently, the government isn’t paying for minors.

But maybe some day soon, right, Professor?

You’re a lunatic.

No!

I’m doing my job, just like you.

Now give us the girl.

Mom?

It’s okay.

You’re not taking her.

(Noah grunts)

Uncle Noah!

(Bob): Tony, take her.

Mom?

No!

You’re not taking her!

You can’t have her!

It’s okay, it’s alright.

We’re not gonna hurt her.

You have my word.

She’s gonna sit with us in our vehicle

until this situation is resolved.

Now trust me.

You don’t want her here for this next part.

Okay, Mia, listen to me.

You need to go with the man, okay?

No, no, Mom, I’m so scared.

It’s okay.

We just need to figure this out.

I promise.

Okay? Come on.

(Bob): Let’s go.

(Ashley): You’re gonna be okay.

Why are you doing this?

We didn’t enlist. Dawn did.

Please go find her.

We already have people looking for Dawn,

but the odds that she’s located in the next two hours

are not good,

and we are not falling further below our quota,

no way, no how.

What did you say to our father?

Nothing.

I just gave him the paperwork

to cancel this procedure.

Then he read it over

and decided not to sign.

Which, you know…

See? You can back out no problem.

But your bank accounts are frozen,

you lose your assets and you go to jail

for the rest of your lives.

Either way, my company gets paid.

Jared, is that true?

Yeah, it is.

Nothing seemed to bother him as much as the fact

that his name would one day be published

on the government’s Cowards’ List.

Yep, we’re gonna let people know the names of all the bums

who turn their backs on their country when it mattered most.

Your dad cared a lot about what people thought of him, huh?

Alright. (Clears throat)

Uh, Bob…

Bob?

Um… you don’t have to do this.

Well…

(Jared): Okay?

I… I am sure, as leader of this unit,

you have some discretion as to how the D.O.C.S. regulations

are applied.

So… I… I’m gonna tell you this as a favour,

you don’t want to do this.

You’re on the wrong side of history.

This… this is a mistake.

(whispering): I know people, important people.

You know what? You make a very good point, Jared.

I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Of course, of course, no problem.

I hate to be that guy…

Yeah, yeah, but here’s the thing.

I don’t care who you know.

And I certainly don’t care

for you telling me how to do my job.

The rules are the same for everybody.

That’s how I roll.

So here’s what I suggest.

You all go into separate rooms,

take some time, think about your lives.

I’m sure one of you is gonna realize that

it’s not all that great.

And to get things started,

I brought a little reading material.

You see, this situation happens

a lot more often than you think,

and that’s why our Familial Research Department

compiles concise personalized notes on all family members

based on information gathered from browser histories,

e-mails, texts, DMs and phone calls.

And not just from them,

but from the people they interact with.

So, let’s start with Jared York.

Please don’t.

This is good, this is good.

Your very young girlfriend Kaylee,

who you abandoned your wife and child for last year,

she’s having carnal relations

with three to five additional people,

depending on the week.

She’s what?

Speaking of your son, Lucas,

he hopes that you’ll enlist

so he never has to see your,

and I quote here,

“stupid AF face again.”

(Jared exhales sharply)

Oh, and you often Google…

Oh, okay.

You Google shit, you Google shit.

Next up, Rachel York.

It’s okay. I’m pretty sure I know what’s on there.

Um, my daughter is being bullied because of me.

Yes. Says so right here.

Uh, my board wants to fire me from my own company.

Yeah, that’s…

Oh, and I’m also wanted

for a string of bank robberies?

That’s not… agh!

Fuck you, you piece of shit!

(moans in pain)

Stand down, stand down. Here, read them yourselves.

Just flick the porch lights off and on

when you’ve made your decision.

Wait, wait, uh, what… what if we can’t decide?

What if we can’t make a decision?

I will decide for you.

(Ashley sighs)

(crickets chirping)

(indistinct chatter on radio)

(eerie music)

Shit.

(crickets chirping)

(male voice on radio): Procedure 16 complete.

Heading to 17’s location. Over.

You know, I’d… I’d ask you to play cards with me,

but I don’t much appreciate your mom

punching me in the face.

I appreciated it.

(sombre music)

(screaming)

Fuck you! Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck you, you piece of shit!

What the fuck do you know?! “Melodramatic,” my fucking ass!

Fuck! Agh!

(Ashley yelling indistinctly)

(♪♪)

Yeah… let me…

Come on, Jared. Come on, Jared.

Come on, Jared.

(Jared): Would you please move? Thank you.

So, anyone…

Yeah, I think Noah should sacrifice himself for us.

Screw you, Jared.

No, really? Screw him.

Screw him.

When Mom and Dad adopted him,

he was given every opportunity under the sun.

He went to the best schools.

He had the top piano instructors.

But, but

not only did he piss his own life away,

he also fucking killed that woman in the accident!

So, if you ask me,

Noah should sacrifice himself for us.

It only makes sense.

(Ashley): No. You know what makes sense?

Putting it to a vote!

Okay.

Who here thinks that Jared should take Dawn’s spot?

Jared? How fucking dare you?

I have a child!

(Ashley): Who hates you!

Like everyone else in your life.

Oh, do you know everyone else in my life?

(Ashley): Oh, my God, no, maybe I don’t.

But I know Beth.

(Jared): Hey.

(Ashley): Oh, you remember her?

Your beautiful, amazing wife?

The one you bailed on the second someone showed you

just a little bit of attention?

(Jared): Stop it!

I bet if she were here,

her hand would be held fucking high!

No, it wouldn’t!

Yes, you would!

Stop fighting!

I didn’t get to say this earlier,

but I came here tonight to apologize.

I’ve been nothing but a drain on this family

for far too long.

But the accident woke me up.

I’m clean.

I found love.

And for the first time in my life,

I see a future for myself.

And I want nothing more

than for that future to include the people in this room.

We can get through this, but we have to stick together,

like Dad said.

(scoffs) Like Dad said?

(Noah): Before he died.

Dad said to be kind to one another,

to support one another.

So let’s stop fighting,

and let’s work together.

It’s what Dad would’ve wanted.

(scoffs) (Rachel): Are you serious?

That asshole signed one of his own fucking children up to die.

He couldn’t have known about that, obviously.

Oh, no. Not obviously.

No. Nothing with him was ever obvious.

The man could’ve given a fucking Ted Talk

on withholding,

and all of a sudden, I’m supposed to give a shit

because he got all weepy on his deathbed?

Fuck you.

(Jared): Nice, nice.

Now what the fuck do we do?

Where is it? Where is it?

I mean, where is it? It’s gotta be here somewhere.

No, no, no. Is it here?

No, no, no…

There it is!

There’s the card I needed.

Why don’t you shove it up your butt

so you’ll always have it?

You have your mother’s charm.

(radio chatter)

(crickets chirping)

Boss, they blinked the light.

Decision time. BRB.

(tense music)

(door opens, shuts)

Hello! Hi.

We ready to proceed?

No, uh, we just… we had a question.

You said that if we couldn’t decide who has the procedure,

you’d decide for us.

How will you decide?

Very good question.

You’ll be happy to know that I use a very scientific system

perfected over time.

(Ashley gasps)

(Jared flaps his lips)

What if we gave you a body?

What, did you find one in the freezer?

No, you fuck.

I’m asking if you have to do the procedure,

or can we just deliver you a body?

A procedure is preferable from a paperwork standpoint.

But I would figure something out.

(♪♪)

(door opens, shuts)

No, no decision yet.

My cards.

What did you…?

What did you do? Why would you do this?

Because you’re a bully.

What was that about?

What?

You said that we were just gonna ask Bob

how he would decide?

Yeah. And we did that.

And then, I had a follow-up question.

(laughs) A very pointed one.

(Rachel): No, a very logical one.

I don’t want to draw straws, do you?

Fuckin’ no, of course not. But

maybe it’s what’s fair?

Fuck fair.

I don’t want a one in four chance of dying tonight.

Sorry, those odds don’t work for me.

Okay, so what is your suggestion, then?

I don’t have one.

I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them,

especially recently.

But I am sure as hell not ready to throw in the towel.

None of us are!

That’s kind of beside the point, isn’t it?

(Rachel): No, it isn’t.

Because here’s the thing.

I barely know you fucking people.

I know we’re family and all, but what?

We see each other three, maybe four times a year?

Always here at Dad’s.

I mean, we never get together on our own.

We never even call each other

unless it’s an obligatory birthday call.

I am closer with the lady who does my nails

than I am with any of you.

What’s your point?

My point is

if Bob needs a second body,

I can tell you all right fucking now,

it’s not gonna be mine.

(Jared): Holy fuck!

(indistinct yelling)

(Ashley): Noah, let me see.

What the fuck?!

He doesn’t deserve a cent of Dad’s money!

He’s just gonna fucking snort it all away!

Oh, my God!

She’s not wrong.

(Jared): Yes, she is!

I’m fucking clean, Jared!

(Rachel): Oh, whatever. It never sticks.

Listen, guys, one less sibling

means more of Dad’s money for the rest of us.

You trying to recruit them to gang up on me?

No, I know where Jared stands.

Ashley, you do get the severity of the situation, don’t you?

You do get that one of us is leaving here tonight

in a fucking body bag?

One of our cold dead bodies

is being wheeled out that door

and thrown in the back of that mobile morgue

at the end of the driveway right alongside Dad.

Now do you want that dead body to be your pretty little body?

No, you don’t.

Because you have a dream, right?

You’re gonna be a famous actress.

And it’ll happen for you, too.

You just gotta keep following your heart.

As if you care.

You’ve never even seen her on stage.

(Rachel): No!

I haven’t.

But I do know that following your heart isn’t cheap.

Now, I don’t know how big Dad’s estate is,

but think of how much more of a nest egg you could have

with one of us out of the picture.

(suspenseful music)

Yeah. Nice try.

But we’re stronger than that.

Noah already got his inheritance.

(Rachel): What do you mean?

I mean, he’s not going to trial.

The woman’s family dropped the charges

because Dad paid them off.

I saw an e-mail from Dad’s lawyers.

He paid them $3,000,000.

(Jared): Holy shit!

No, no, no!

I had nothing to do with that!

Dad did that!

I didn’t even know about it until Dawn told me

when she invited me to dinner!

So Dad’s estate isn’t being split evenly,

is it? Because you’re already up three mil.

I don’t give a shit about the money!

You guys can have it! Ash!

Ash…

You promised me no more secrets!

(Jared laughs slowly.) (Noah): Jared, put that back!

Jared, put that back! What the fuck?!

Huh.

(Jared): 3 million fucking dollars?

Stop! This is fucking crazy!

All of you, stop!

Get the fuck back, Jared!

Hit him!

It’s not as easy as it looks!

You fucking hit him!

(Rachel): I already did!

Just swing, you fucking pussy!

(Noah): Stop! Stop!

Swing!

Do you want it to be you?

No!

We’re a fucking family!

(Rachel): Just fucking swing!

Stop it! We’re a fucking family!

Fuck this!

No!

(grunting)

Jared…

Jared…

(breathing heavily)

(clanging) Agh!

Jesus, fuck!

Ash, please, come on.

(Jared groaning)

Don’t do this. Ash, please.

(pepper spray hisses) (Noah screams in pain)

(indistinct yelling)

(Noah grunts)

(Ashley): Oh!

(grunting)

(tense music)

(stapler clacks)

Hm…

Hm…

(stapler clacks)

So you’re a test tube baby?

That because your mom couldn’t mate with a man

without killing him?

No.

My mom said it’s because

she didn’t want to waste any of her love on some idiot man.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don’t think your mom is a person

with a whole lot of love in reserve.

(exhales sharply) This is a waste.

I have to pee.

Back there, to the right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I don’t want you peeing on this.

(sighs)

(Mia sobs quietly)

(radio) Sir, great news.

We have apprehended Mrs. Kim,

and are en route to your location.

You can release the Yorks.

ETA 20 minutes.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no… no.

Um… just… bring her back to headquarters.

(radio): Sir, she says she wants to do the procedure at home.

Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass what she wants.

Take her back to headquarters.

(♪♪)

I wiped myself on your hand towel.

Of course you did.

(sinister music)

(moaning)

(cracking) Ah!

(tooth clatters)

(breathing heavily)

Close your eyes, close your eyes…

Picture yourself calm. (Inhales sharply)

Picture yourself calm.

(inhales deeply)

(Grace): Picture yourself calm.

Picture yourself calm.

Oh, my God.

Grace…

Grace.

(crickets chirping)

(♪♪)

(cell phone thuds)

(Bob): One, two…

One, two…

One, two…

One, two, three, four, there we go.

Apologies for the counting.

The instructions say it’s ready

when you can count to three between pops.

So that’s what I do.

You gotta be careful

’cause the second you burn one kernel,

the whole bag is ruined.

I don’t know why,

but it just tastes off, you know?

One time, I only… had four unpopped kernels.

I put a photo of it on Insta.

You should check it out.

I’m @WhatAboutBob42.

Amazing. I’ll do that for sure.

(Bob): Hey!

Don’t you want any popcorn?

(Mia): It’s been over an hour.

What are they still doing in the house?

Well, based on my experience in similar situations,

I want to say, you know, killing one another?

(Mia): What?!

No, they’re not. Why would they do that?

Hey, that’s not on me.

Your mom came up with that idea all by herself.

She did not. She would never do that.

Oh, why?

Because she’s such a good person?

Please.

You know those terrible things

your classmates are saying about her online

are true, right? Yeah.

Your mom was fully aware

that those pills didn’t work,

and yes, she refused to pull them off the shelf.

So those women got sicker and sicker because of her!

Stop lying!

(Bob): Tony!

(Tony grunts)

(thud)

(sombre music)

(loud crash)

(Jared speaking indistinctly on TV)

our expectation, our desire

to achieve victory on a volunteer basis

is an abject failure.

(political commentator speaking indistinctly)

(metal clatters to floor)

(indistinct voices on TV)

(♪♪)

Noah. Please don’t.

What are you doing here?

(Ashley): I had to get away.

I couldn’t take it.

Noah, I’m so sorry.

I don’t know what happened.

It was Rachel. She got in my head.

Where are they?

They’re in the living room.

They have Dawn’s knives.

I’m gonna go talk to them.

Did you not just hear what I said?

(Noah): This has to stop.

Ash

it has to stop.

You stay here.

No.

I should go with you.

They should hear it from the both of us.

Get behind me, in case they gang up on you, too.

Okay.

(Noah inhales sharply)

Hey.

Look at us.

You look so happy.

I’d just started taking piano.

Nobody called me a prodigy back then.

It was still fun.

And I had a new little sister to call my own.

You and me against the world.

Look at those chubby little cheeks.

Noah…

(Noah): Yeah?

(Rachel grunts)

(Noah cries out in pain)

(Jared): Aw! Fuck!

(indistinct yelling)

(Jared and Rachel groan loudly)

Ash, help me!

Help me!

(Ashley): I can’t!

Ash! Ash!

(grunting)

Agh!

(grunting loudly)

Ah!

(Rachel): Open the fucking door!

(Rachel yells indistinctly)

(Jared grunts)

You’re fuckin’ dead!

Agh!

(grunts) Fuck!

Die already!

(Noah grunts)

(Rachel): Oh!

Tell Mia I love her.

Tell her yourself.

(Rachel gasps)

(thud)

(fork clatters)

(Noah breathes heavily)

Ah!

(tense music)

I’m not racist.

Uh… no, I… I’m an ally.

Okay? So, uh

you, uh, Mia

uh… Dawn…

I love… I love you all, okay?

I… I know you’re not supposed to say,

“I don’t see colour,” but I don’t see colour,

so none of this has anything to do with white privilege

or systemic anything.

Agh! Ugh!

Got it, Jared.

I got it.

(exhales sharply)

(Jared coughs)

(Ashley): Agh!

Oh! Oh…

(panting) Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh, sh…

You think I’m the bad guy, but I’m not.

I’m only here tonight because your grandpa invited me.

He knows I’m doing important work to save the planet

for your generation.

Giving me a fucking break.

Your generation ruined the planet.

Hey, language.

You need to improve your outlook, young lady.

I mean, I don’t think you realize

how lucky you are to be living where you do.

Most of the world now, it’s total anarchy,

but we still have law and order,

and we’re still protecting your freedoms.

Okay. Look.

You don’t understand this because you’re a kid.

And I get that.

But when the dust settles,

when we hit our enlistment goal,

the great people this country used to have,

the really decent, the righteous people,

they’re gonna be gone.

Yeah. Whatever.

(loud slamming)

No, no, no! Enough with the fucking attitude!

After everything I’ve done, after everything I’ve sacrificed

you damn well better show me some respect!

(Tony): Boss, everything okay in there?

(Tony knocks on door) Boss?

(sniffles) Yeah, Tony, I’m good!

It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s all good…

Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.

I’m just… I know what I’m talking about. You know?

I’ve been inside these people’s homes.

I’ve sat with their families.

And these aren’t the Richie Riches of the world,

like your kind, with your massive carbon footprints.

No, these are… these people are salt of the earth.

They’ve worked hard their whole lives

and just couldn’t catch a break.

That is, until the government offered them a quarter million

tax-free dollars to sacrifice themselves,

and now, they’re dying happy

knowing that their families

are being taken care of, you know?

And that’s beautiful.

My wife Ruth, she enlisted on Day 14.

Yeah, she had Parkinson’s for years,

but we managed, you know, we managed. It’s all good.

Still, she decided that since the enlistment program

didn’t give two hoots about a pre-existing condition,

she might as well sign up and get the money

instead of dying for nothing, you know?

Hey, I disagreed.

But I never won an argument in all our years of marriage.

(chuckles)

Look, I’m sorry that you’re all broken up

about what’s going on in your grandpa’s house,

but come on, come on!

Is it so wrong to not want the new world

to be filled with terrible people like your family?

No.

I guess not.

But I don’t think you care about that.

I just think you like to watch people die.

Can’t it be both?

(Jared): Jesus Christ, this is so fucking bleak.

I don’t know, I…

Oh, ugh…

Jesus, is there no way Bob can just come in here

and fucking kill him so we don’t have to?

No, he won’t do it.

No, but he might.

We could at least ask him.

It’s a waste of time.

That sadistic fucker is loving what’s happening in here.

This is what he wanted all along.

If we want out, we have to deliver the body.

Guys, the way he looked at me when he realized I betrayed him.

I can’t…

(Rachel): Yeah.

He could’ve finished me off, but he didn’t.

Me, too.

Sorry, Ash, it’s okay.

We’re gonna just get this done real quick.

It’ll be over with before you know it.

On three.

Yeah, okay, on three.

Okay.

(Ashley): Ugh!

(Jared): Oh, God.

One…

(Jared): Yeah, one.

Two.

(Jared): Agh…

(Rachel): Three.

(car horn blaring in distance)

(Jared screams)

(car horn blaring)

(Grace): Noah? Noah!

Noah, please!

Who’s that?

Who’s that?

(horn blaring)

(Grace): Noah, are you still here?

(female guard): Ma’am, stop right there!

(Bob): You stay there!

(Grace): Noah, where are you?

(guard): Ma’am!

Let me go! I don’t know what’s going on here,

but I’m recording everything.

Where is Noah?

Holy shit, that’s Grace!

Oh my God, we’re saved. Grace!

Hey! Hey, you guys,

you’re Noah’s family, right?

Yeah.

(Grace): What’s going on here? Where’s Noah?

Ma’am, I can answer all your questions.

I didn’t ask you. I asked them.

Get back in the house.

Get them back in the house right now, come on.

Mom!

Mia!

(Tony): Back in the vehicle!

Ma’am, you’re interfering in official D.O.C.S. business.

That’s a federal offence.

I thought D.O.C.S. just euthanized people?

We’ve diversified.

(engine starting)

Shit!

Hey! Hey, stop the vehicle!

Mom!

(Rachel): Mia!

(Bob): No, no, no, no, no!

(Mia): Mm!

Tony, help me out here.

Just… careful, she’s a child!

(Bob): Be gentle, Tony, gentle.

Yorks, back in the house!

You still owe me a body!

(Grace): Owe him a body?!

What is going on here? Where is Noah?

Tell me he’s alive!

He is, Grace, he’s alive!

But he needs help! Please run and get help!

Okay! Okay! I’m gonna go get help.

Just… tell Noah I love him!

Go, go, run!

Stop her.

(tense music)

(gunshot)

(thud)

(Ashley gasps)

They killed her. They fucking killed her!

She didn’t do anything!

Oh!

So, that’s it, right?

You have your second body.

What, are you kidding me?

She’s not my second body.

I’m here to collect two York bodies.

Now get back inside the house and finish what you started.

And don’t you dare try to pin this on me.

If your family did its part,

that poor woman would be alive right now.

Now get in there. You’ve got 15 minutes.

I meant go get her.

Don’t… don’t say anything.

Let’s just go upstairs and do what we have to do.

Don’t think about it. Let’s just do it.

I mean, Noah wouldn’t want to be alive right now anyway.

That woman lying dead out there was his whole world.

Yeah… Yeah.

If you think about it, we’re really doing him a favour.

I mean… it’s fucked up.

But it’s the right thing to do.

You know it is.

Yeah.

Okay?

(gasps)

Noah?

(Rachel exhales sharply)

(Jared): Fuck…

(electrical pop)

(utensils clattering)

(Ashley): Noah?

Noah?

(Jared): We had nothing to do with what happened to Grace.

(Ashley): Noah?

Come on, Noah, we don’t have much time.

(Rachel): We’re not mad anymore.

(Ashley breathing heavily)

Noah, come on, you’re freaking us out!

(suspenseful music)

(Jared): This is bad. This is so fucking bad.

Oh, fuck…

Noah!

(knife slices)

(Ashley grunts)

(Jared): Oh, my God!

No, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Noah…

(Noah grunts)

(Ashley groans)

(grunting)

Noah, I’m so sorry. We’re so sorry.

Agh!

(Ashley gasps)

(dramatic music)

(Ashley shrieks): No!

(Noah growls)

(panting)

(Ashley yelps)

Get off her!

(Noah): Fuck you!

If Bob needs a body, it can be this lying bitch’s body.

(Rachel): Please just leave her alone.

(panting) What would Dad think, huh?

(Ashley groans)

(gasping)

What would Dad think?

(coughing)

Huh?

(Ashley gasps for air)

Ah! (Groans)

Don’t you fucking talk about him.

(shrieking)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay! Okay!

Just leave Ash alone!

I’m volunteering for the procedure!

You don’t have to do it!

You don’t have to do it. I’m volunteering.

Everything that’s happened tonight is on me.

You’re not the worst of us, Noah.

I am.

I’m cold. I’m selfish.

(panting)

So take Mia.

Please.

Just take her. Okay?

(panting)

You never wanted fame or money.

You just wanted a fucking family.

Just flick the lights.

I’m ready, okay?

(Jared): No, no.

It should be me.

‘Cause I’m the eldest.

And I was supposed to look out for you guys.

I was always supposed to look out for you guys

and I never fucking did. I’m a really bad brother,

and I’m a bad husband and a bad father.

So if someone

is going to have the procedure, it should be me.

I have nothing.

(Ashley): Jared, stop! You have Lucas!

He needs you to be here for him.

No one needs a two-faced failure.

If anyone should do the procedure, it should be me.

(glass shatters)

Fuck that!

No one is volunteering.

It has to be one of us. (Exhales sharply)

We have no choice.

I volunteered first.

(Noah): No, we’ve always had another choice.

Let’s get Bob.

(Ashley gasps, coughs)

(Mia): I need to see my family.

You’ll see them when they blink the porch lights, not before.

By then it’ll be too late. (Sobbing)

Someone I love is gonna die in there.

Please… please.

(crying) Please, Bob, please!

Please! (Bob chuckles)

I need to say goodbye, at least.

(screaming): Let me say goodbye!

Why?! Why won’t you let me see them?!

(Noah): A little bit longer, Ash. Ash, stay with us.

(Rachel): Fuck, she’s losing a lot of blood.

(Noah): Jared, hurry up.

(Jared): A few more seconds.

(Noah): Rach, are you keeping the pressure?

(Rachel): Yes, but we need to do this now.

(Noah): Jared?!

(Jared): Okay, it’s ready!

You got to hold her down, though.

(Noah): Ash, Ash…

Ash, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

It’s not your fault.

It’s supposed to be me and you against the world,

and I screwed it up. Not you, Noah. It was me.

Uh, do you want a countdown?

No! Just fucking do it.

(Jared): Alright, here we go, here we go, here we go.

(sizzling flesh)

(Ashley screams in pain)

(Ashley panting)

Oh, no, no! I have to do it again.

I’m going again, I’m going…

(Ashley shrieking)

(Jared): Ashley. Ashley…

Ash, Ash, come on.

Ashley, Ashley, wake up.

Wake up, come on. Ashley!

(watch beeps)

Well, time’s up.

One way or another, we’re nearly done here.

(door opens, shuts)

(doorbell rings)

(knocking)

Hello! Anybody home?

(door creaks open)

Huh.

Not who I expected.

Where are the rest of you Yorks at?

We don’t have all night.

Okay.

(Tony): Stop right there.

Shirts up.

Turn in a circle.

Okay.

Well, whoever’s responsible for this,

I really appreciate you saving us the effort

of bringing our equipment back in here.

So, thank you for that.

Let’s get the gurney in though, Tony.

(Tony): All set to go here.

I guess I owe you guys some money.

Now I can split the total between the three of you,

but one of you is gonna get a penny more than the others.

Some people wouldn’t think that’s an issue,

but some families, they just fight like crazy over it.

(Ashley screams)

(Tony): Agh!

Fuck!

Oh, you bitch! Agh!

Shut the fuck up!

Ashley, that was quite a performance.

I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies. I’m not easily fooled.

Well done.

(male guard): Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(Noah): Guns down or they’re dead!

(Jared): Do it!

You don’t want to do this, Yorks.

We’re all bleeding out anyway.

You tell them to put their guns down

or you’ll be joining us.

(Bob): Put your guns down.

Do what he fucking says!

They’re not listening.

They say it’s hard to saw through someone’s windpipe, Bob,

but I bet I could do it in just one swipe!

Okay, give ’em your weapons.

(Bob): Put your weapons down. Do it.

Hand over your weapons.

Down! Fucking down!

(Bob): Do what they say!

(Jared): Give them to me. Give me your guns.

Yeah, he’s gonna cut his fuckin’ throat.

On the ground!

Listen.

Hands on your heads, do as they say.

Oh.

(Rachel): Hands on your head!

(Bob): Well, if you think we’ve never been in a situation

like this before, you’d be wrong.

So let me tell you how this is gonna play out.

Ash?

Ashley!

(Bob grunts)

Okay. Alright, I’m good, let’s take ’em…

Agh!

(Tony): Please, I have a wife.

(Rachel): Shut up.

(Tony): I have a son, too. Tony, Jr.

(Rachel): Cut it out, or I’m gonna swap you for Bob.

(Noah): He’s awake.

(Tony): Boss, I’m sorry.

They forced me to show them how to set everything up.

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, it’s okay.

I’ve got it all under control, babe.

Oh, yeah.

This is not looking good for you guys,

I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it.

Yeah, this is looking really bad for us.

Well, I’m just sayin’,

based on what I’m seeing here,

not only are all of you going to jail,

but the government now has official custody

of both Mia and Lucas.

Excuse me?

Not me. Not my company.

We’re not in the minor accommodation business,

I swear.

However, if any D.O.C.S. employee is injured

in the enactment of their duties,

the perpetrators’ children

automatically become wards of the state.

It’s true. Ask Tony.

It’s true.

Don’t kill me.

Yeah, you should see the deplorable conditions

of these facilities.

I mean, remember the kids in cages at the border?

Yeah. Think that, but far worse.

I think you probably want to keep your fucking hands

off our kids.

Then we’re screwed no matter what we do, huh, Bob?

No reason to leave anyone alive.

Nugget, gonna have to ask you to step outside again, okay?

I’m sorry about your wife.

It sounded like she was a really nice person.

So I doubt the two of you are gonna end up in the same place.

Look, I know you’re all very upset,

I can… I can tell. I…

It’s been a… it’s been a hell of a night, huh?

(Bob chuckles)

So, here’s what I’m willing to do.

Just forget about this whole situation,

and me and my men will just pick up your sister

off the floor, and we’ll go, okay?

Deal’s a deal. What do you say?

Come on.

That’s not Ashley on the floor.

It isn’t?

Yeah, no, our first attempt at the procedure

didn’t go too well.

Tony forgot to tell us to take the air out of the IV tubes.

(Noah): You ever see somebody die of an embolism, Bob?

It’s not quick.

It’s not really fair

considering that your friend killed my girlfriend instantly.

But as my lovely sister over here put it earlier

fuck fair.

Okay. I can save you all.

I can save you.

I can save you and your children.

I could’ve sworn you said we were all doomed.

(Bob): No, it’s just a matter of paperwork, that’s all.

I can write something up to cover for you.

You can cover us for murdering a D.O.C.S. agent?

Yeah, I’ll just say your father reacted violently

when his wife departed,

and took us by surprise. That’s actually happened.

My bosses will believe that.

Then when he calmed down,

he decided to go ahead with the procedure

for his children’s sake.

That part is true. It’s so true.

Alright, no, please.

Okay. Wait, wait.

What about Dawn? What about Dawn?

What about her?

We have her at headquarters.

Yeah, yeah, we have her…

Agh!

(Bob choking)

(Bob coughing)

I don’t know shit about that.

Look, I’ll bring Dawn back to you.

She doesn’t have to have the procedure.

Your family has given up enough.

Please don’t push that. Please don’t push that.

You’ll never see her alive again.

They’ll kill her and it’ll be on you.

It’ll be all on you. Come on!

Hold on, hold on… Come on!

What don’t you people understand?

Huh? What… what?

There’s a worldwide crisis going on and I’m doing important work!

And you, you, you you’re just pieces of human excrement polluting the planet with your every breath!

I don’t deserve to die!

You deserve to die!

Not me! You!

(silence)

(piano playing)

(TV announcer): Week 40’s Enlisters of the Week are Grace Dawson and Ashley York.

Friends for years, the inseparable pair told our D.O.C.S. procedure practitioner that they chose to enlist together so they could inspire others to do everything they could do to help heal our ailing planet.

It was a beautiful procedure.

It ranked right up there with the best of them.

(TV announcer): Grace and Ashley, a grateful nation thanks you.

(♪♪)

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