How to Have Sex (2023), by Molly Manning Walker, explores the experiences of three sixteen-year-old friends, Tara, Em, and Skye, during their vacation in Malia, Crete. As they confront the uncertainties of their future paths, they eagerly anticipate a summer filled with drinking, clubbing, and romance. Tara, the only one among them who is a virgin, grapples with the pressure to match her friends’ experiences. Her interactions with a fellow guest, Badger, lead her on a journey of self-discovery, uncovering challenging truths about friendship, consent, and the choices they make during this transformative summer.
* * *
[Ethereal melody; Soothing, bell-like percussion]
[Delicate violin plucking]
[Sustained, warm violin tone joins]
[Music fades]
[Lively chatter]
[Woman over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Heraklion.
The local time is 3 am, and the temperature is 28 degrees Celsius.
Please remain in your seats…
[Excited exclaiming]
…until the aircraft has come to a complete standstill and the captain has switched off the “fasten seat belt” sign.
Please take care when opening the overhead bins as items may have been dislodged during the flight.
We thank you for flying with us today and look forward to seeing you again soon.
Please check with ground staff for connecting flights or further travel to your final destination.
[People chant] Say uh, ah, Malia!
Say uh, ah, Malia!
[Aeroplane engine roars]
[Tara] I’ll tell you why I’m so tired.
That would be you, Em.
[Skye] Why?
What do you mean, “why”? What about when she was booking the holiday?
You did no work. All this “I’m exhausted.”
I woke up to 20 messages from you.
“We have to be there four hours before!”
If it wasn’t for me, would you be here?
Would you be here?
Ah! We’re in Malia, babe! Baby!
[All scream]
[Dance music in the distance]
It’s kinda cold.
I’m going in! Come on!
[Tara] Oh, she’s in! She’s in! She’s in!
Oh!
I don’t think we should do this.
I don’t think it’s supposed to be this cold.
You’ll get used to it.
[Tara shrieks]
[They hum]
[They sing] ♪ Oh my God, oh my God When I see you I should run
♪ I’m saying things I’ve never said Doing things I’ve never done
[They laugh]
[Skye] I fucking love you guys.
I fucking love you guys!
[Tara] Best holiday ever!
[Ethereal, delicate music]
[They chat and laugh]
[Skye] Oh, no, look at my fags!
Where?
I’ll get them, I’ll get them!
No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I’m so sorry.
It’s so cold.
[Skye] What the fuck?
[Mobile vibrates]
Ah, fuck’s sake!
Set me a fag. Mine are fucked.
I swear my mum would’ve called on the plane if she could have.
I’m not sure Mum’s even clocked we’ve left.
[Tara] This is all we have between all of us?
Yeah, just one.
This is it to get dry?
[Tara chuckles, shivering]
Guys, I’m fucking starving.
I swear you’re always hungry.
[Tara, loudly] Why is the sea so cold?
You know we still got loads of time to kill?
Do you wanna get chips?
Yes, 100%.
Chips! Chips! Chips!
I want a big fucking big portion.
Large! Large, large, extra-large.
[Em] Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, um…
I was just wondering if maybe we could have a room with, like, a…
like, a pool view?
[Receptionist chuckles] Pool view? No, no, no.
All gone. I’m sorry.
OK. Um…
I tried. Apparently, they’re all gone.
Hi!
Hi.
Um, my name’s Tara.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Um, so, the thing is… I just spat, sorry.
Um, the thing is, we’re going to need pool view, because… see our friend Skye there?
She can’t swim very well, so we need to, like, keep eyes on her at all times.
[Tara] Like, we have to see her.
[Em] We can be lifeguards.
We can just dive in if anything happens.
We’re excellent swimmers, like, really good.
Save you guys the trouble.
I actually swim for the county.
[Tara] We were hoping we could use this holiday
to help teach her…
[Both in unison] to doggy-paddle.
[Receptionist] All right, all right.
[Em] Thanks.
[Calm music on speakers]
[Excited screaming]
Oh, my God! This is insane!
Oh, my God!
Look at this swan!
[Em] I fucking love the curtains.
He left us swans.
Taz…
[Tara] Oh, babe, stunning!
Outfit number one sorted! Outfit number…
Oh, there’s butterflies everywhere as well!
Um… Skye! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Deep-fried fags.
You’re a nutter!
But I will have one, thank you. OK.
They are already dry.
We got our own fridge!
Fucking luxury.
This room is huge! Like, a whole room.
[Em] Where? Let’s see.
Ey! Pool view!
[Tara screeches]
Let me see!
Best view I’ve ever seen in my life! Whoo!
[They sing]
Ooh! Whoo!
Sorry about that, but I needed my doughnut.
Breakfast!
Breakfast!
And… breakfast!
Dinner one!
Shit! Sorry.
Can you not?
Oi, whoever gets laid the most wins this.
Apple punch for sex?
No. No, no, no.
[Skye] Actually…
This.
Titty glasses.
What do we get if we’re sick the most?
Um, nothing,
because we’re not going to plan for that, you nutter.
All right. All right.
Bonus prize.
Party girl!
Guys, I’ve been thinking,
whoever’s getting laid the most, they should kinda get the main room.
Yeah.
And everyone else
just kinda sleep where they land.
Me, I’m going to be refraining from sleep this holiday.
Don’t lie! You’re going to be, like, asleep in the club.
[Tara] Oi, you look beaut!
Come here, try this.
[Pop music in the background]
You should just go out like that.
Like this? [Chuckles]
[Tara] You look banging no matter what you wear.
Can I borrow some of that lip gloss?
Yeah, let me do it for you.
Look at you.
If you don’t get laid on this holiday then you never will.
No, I can’t die a virgin!
[Music plays
House Every Weekend by David Zowie]
♪ House every weekend, house every weekend ♪
[Chatter, laughter]
[Thud]
69!
Fuck!
Wait, wait, wait, we’re not ready.
Oi! Oi!
[He screams]
Whereabouts you all from?
We don’t have any change.
[They shriek]
[Boy] What, am I homeless or something?
[Tara sings] ♪ Call me
♪ Call me by my name
[Both] ♪ Or call me by my number
[Tara continues, dragged voice] ♪ You put me through it
♪ I’ll still be doing it the way I do it
♪ And yet, you try to make me forget
♪ Who I really am ♪
[Tara shrieks]
♪ I am the one and only
[Em and Tara sing] ♪ …all this time
♪ I’ve tried to walk with dignity… ♪
Oh, my God!
[Em] Not like that! Give it here!
Oh, oh.
I’m too thirsty. Hmm.
Tara.
[Em] I’m going to be sick.
Night one in the Big Brother house, Em is sick.
[Em moans]
Fuck! She’s actually going to be sick.
Hold the microphone.
[People whoop and cheer]
♪ I am the one and only ♪
Can we have three more shots, please?
[Em retches]
[Em] I love you, Taz.
[Tara] I love you, too.
[Em] Besties for life, yeah?
I’ve just been to the bar and got shots.
Check it out.
No, no, no.
Yes!
[Music plays
Light it Up (feat Nyla & Fuse ODG) by Major Lazer]
♪ Three by three for my people ♪
[Em] Oi, what happens if I fail every exam?
[Tara] Fuck school! Let’s all just find jobs together.
Oi.
You’re fucking smart.
I’m actually going to fail.
[Em] Taz, even if you failed everything,
you could talk your way in.
Tara!
I need a wee.
[Skye] Chips are technically vegetables, aren’t they?
Skye, is it my night to throw up yet?
You already threw up.
[Dance music continues in the distance]
[Skye sputters]
Don’t laugh at me!
[Em] Tara!
What happens if I go to this good school
and then no one even likes me when I get there?
Oh, Em, that’s silly. Don’t think like that.
No one likes you anyway.
Why do you think we ended up with you?
I’m joking.
Here come on babe! Babe, babe! Babe!
[Tara] It’s, like, a win-win situation.
Either you fail and you stay with us wasters,
or…
I don’t wanna fail!
Or you get in and then you’re really rich
and you can bring us on holiday every year.
Vets aren’t rich.
They don’t have loads and loads of money.
[Tara] Yeah, but you’re just, like, really smart. You always have been.
[Em] I can’t even do a backflip.
Thing is, I don’t know what I wanna do.
I think…
[Em] I wanna do a backflip.
I think maybe I’ll just do business, ’cause everything is business now.
Every day, like, just all the time.
[Skye] We got to go into business together.
I heard that as well.
Oh, my God! These cheesy chips, man!
What?
Ow!
Oi, I am actually going to open my own restaurant
and just serve cheesy chips.
Oi, you can come and work for me while Em fucks off to finish school.
I’ll come. I’ll go every single day.
[Tara] I think…
I’ll come three times.
I think we should…
Breakfast and dinner.
I think we should go to bed now.
All I need to do to go to good school
is if I get lots of As. Say As in…
Em!
Shut up! You’re stressing me out.
Oi! The thing is, though…
…is that…
I’ll hold it in that hand.
…is that you two are actually my best mates.
Gang, gang, gang.
[They repeat] Gang, gang, gang.
[Chatter, dance music in the distance]
[Cheering, whistling]
[Moaning]
[Indistinct chatter and laughter]
[Music plays
You & Me (feat Eliza Doolittle) by Disclosure]
All right? I’m Paige. Nice to meet you, ladies.
My name’s Paddy.
Nice to meet you.
[Chatter, laughter inside]
Whoo!
Oi, I thought you left me for dead with this clown.
Oi!
You know, I love youse a lot,
but none of us are going to get laid if we just hang out with each other.
Last night was a disaster.
Come on, then.
Everyone in the entire hotel must be having a shower right now.
Oi, Taz, you should wear this. You’d look so sexy in it.
Don’t you think, Em?
I don’t know, looks mad uncomfortable to me.
Skye, is this yours?
[Skye] Yeah, why?
[Em] Can I borrow it?
[Skye] Do you know what you’re doing with it?
[Em] Yeah, it’s just…
[Skye] Come on, I’ll show you.
[Chatter and laughter in the background]
[Skye] No my, my robot is actually sick, though.
Oh, my God!
You look insane! What the fuck?
[Em] Yeah, OK, I kinda get, you look incredible.
Ah, she’s ready to go out!
Whoo!
[Dance music in the distance]
[He whistles]
[He whistles]
Yo!
Sexy!
Oi, smoke show!
I know you can hear me. I can see you smiling.
[He chuckles]
You lot going out later?
You should come round here for pres.
Yeah, I can ask the girls.
Fucking hell! Talk about selective hearing.
[She chuckles]
What’s your name?
Tara.
That’s a nice name, innit?
I’m Badger.
That’s a bit of a weird name, innit?
It’s my nickname.
Who’s this?
Romeo, Romeo, where is you? Yeah.
Room 341, yeah?
All right, easy, Tiger.
We only just met.
[Music plays
Came Here For Love by Sigala & Ella Eyre plays on radio]
Oi, no, what the fuck is that?
What?
Ohh…!
Who’s done that?
I did it.
They’re fucking ridiculous, like two massive slugs on your face.
Wait, how old do you think they are, though?
Oi, guys, remember your phone and keys and money.
I think, maybe, like, 19, 21.
Yeah, so, what are we going to say? We’re, like, 18?
You guys just going to fall in love and leave me to it again?
I think, like, 18, just finished college, yeah?
Yeah, obviously I drive a BMW.
Ha! You wish!
All right, come on, Taz!
I think I’m doing a degree
to be the next Prime Minister.
Bro, if you can tell me who the current Prime Minister is,
then I’ll consider you taking his job, yeah?
Go on.
All right, for fuck’s sake, just come on! Shut up!
Does this actually look all right?
Mad uncomfortable, innit?
Yeah.
You look fit as fuck, though!
So do you, mate.
Quick.
Taz, your phone, I said!
Yeah, give it, then.
[Em] I need my bag.
[Tara] Keys!
[Skye] Taz, you have got to sort those eyebrows out.
[Badger] Paddy, your go.
[Paddy] Nah, it’s Paige’s go.
Never have I ever crashed a quad into a parked car.
Badger this morning still pissed out his head.
I’m usually a sick driver.
I fucking drive vans for a living. It’s me job.
You don’t crash them into parked cars at work, though, do you?
[They laugh]
Never have I ever had a threesome.
[Paddy, Badger and Paige chat; Dance music on radio]
[Paige] Get shots out.
[Badger] Yeah, let’s get some shots.
[Paddy] There’s one.
Cheers.
[Paddy] Cheers.
[Music plays
Rover (feat DTG) by S1mba]
♪ Now she say she wanna come over, yeah
♪ But I don’t want no love
♪ I just wanna make the mu-la-la, yeah
♪ The mu-la-la I just wanna make the mu-la-la
♪ Got ’em all screamin’, oh la-la, yeah
♪ I don’t want no love
♪ I don’t want no love… ♪
Spin, spin. Faster, faster, faster, go on.
Three, two, one…
Stop! Stop!
Oi, no, spillage is lickage, it’s fine.
[Tara] Go on, Em!
[Paige] That is disgusting.
What you doing?
No, no, no, no…
Yeah!
I saw that. That was cheating.
Do you know where the vet’s are? ‘Cause I got two swans that are sick.
Never have I ever had sex.
Fucking hell! Come off it, we’re not 12.
[Badger whispers] Never have I ever slept with two birds in one night.
I’m not drinking that ’cause I’m a fucking saint.
[Em] Oi.
Chill out.
What happens on holiday stays on holiday!
What are you doing?
I was only joking, babe.
I wasn’t going to call you out, obviously.
Yeah, sure!
No one cares if you’re a virgin, it’s very chill.
So, why are you bringing it up, then?
‘Cause it’s funny.
[Tara laughs] It’s not funny.
Skye, it’s not funny.
Got a drink?
Paddy is fit, though!
You should try it with him.
Or I might.
Oh!
[Door shuts]
[Skye] Oi!
Whoo!
Oi, matchy-matchy, night bossman.
[Paddy] Top graft on these lot, they’re about as cool as your sister.
[Badger] Chill out, mush, we’re on holiday!
[Em] What’s the matter?
[Tara] Did you hear? They’re talking about us.
We need to, like, not let on our age at all.
To them.
Yeah.
Ooh, I miss my BMW so much!
Subtle!
Listen. Listen.
Do you think Paige is gay?
Are you joking?
J… I don’t know.
Are you joking?
Are you telling a joke?
Let’s hope she’s gay.
[Tara] Of course she’s gay.
[All] Oooh!
[Dance music]
[Badger] I saved that!
Tipped it straight over.
Don’t lie. That went right in.
Fuck off!
[Em] That’s cheating.
Right, come on.
Look at you sat down.
Come on.
[Skye] No!
What the fuck!
[Em] Let’s go.
[They cheer]
Come on, get it down you.
[Paige] Come on Badger.
[Loud dance music; They chant]
[All] Uh, ah, Malia!
[Tara] Oi! Paddy! Move.
I’m in a bad way!
…two, three!
Feeling any better?
No.
I think I can help.
Um…
So, I sold my hoover the other day, yeah?
Yeah.
‘Cause all it was doing was collecting dust.
Think! I got more, I got more.
What is the difference between a plum and a rabbit?
I don’t know.
One is purple, and one isn’t…
Oh, wait! No, I got it wrong.
Oh!
I got it wrong.
No, no, no…
[He retches]
You’re good.
I don’t think you’ve got anything else left, to be honest.
Why… Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
‘Cause they’re pretty good at it.
[He breathes heavily]
[Door opens]
[Birdsong]
Oi, what’s that?
Nah! Nah…! You little cheating bastard.
No, that’s a classic one. I’m going, I’m going.
Shh…
Nah.
Bedtime.
[Boy knocks] Come on, girls. Up you get, you beautiful lot.
Buses for Crush in five. Let’s go.
[Dance music outside]
Oi! Hurry up! Crush is happening!
[Boy] Let’s go!
[Paige] See you at gate in five!
No.
Surely, we have more than five minutes, no?
[Em] Why are we doing this to ourselves?
[Skye] No, if it’s started, we got to get a move on.
[Em] We can be a bit late.
[Em grunts]
[Skye] Oh, my God.
Come on.
[Skye] Look at the state of him.
[Paddy] See you in a bit, yeah? Come Badger.
[Skye] I didn’t bring any.
Oi! Put this on.
What did he just say?
He’s so fit.
Everything hurts.
I think that with this…
Skye, how does this work?
Underneath.
You need to cover your bits.
I swear to God, you guys need to get some life!
The only way through this for me is with another drink.
No!
What’s that called? Dog of hair?
Dog of hair!
Hair of dog.
That’s a thing.
Yeah, my mum does it all the time.
See? It’s proper.
I’m not fucking dressing you. I’m not your mum.
Thanks, mum.
Where’s the hair straighteners?
No, wait, Skye, I need something else on with it.
What? What?
It’s see-through.
It’s not that see-through!
In the water it will be. I thought this is a pool party.
[Boy on mic, over loud music] Right come on orange! Come on, that’s it.
[Girl yells] Come on, girls! Let’s get it down you!
Use those double-Ds!
How are they not choking on that?
That’s it, girls! Double-Ds, babes!
We have a winner! Well done, babes.
Well done Sir, that’s fantastic.
One more girl! Anyone!
Taz! Taz!
No, Skye.
We’ve got one here! Taz!
[Girl] In the green, yeah? Come on!
Come on, baby girl, you got this one, you got this!
[Boy] One brave boy to play the game.
Hey, here we go. Look at him, he’s eager.
You all right, bruv? Ready?
Yeah. Yeah.
Right, up there you pop. Go on, son.
Go on, Taz. Whoo!
Oh!
Hello, little flower.
How are you?
You okay?
Yeah.
Who’ve we got?
I’m Tara.
Hello, Tara!
You know what this kind of game is?
I guess so.
It’s a bit naughty. Are you sure?
All right, he’s got a big fake willy, that looks like a beer,
and you’re going to drink it.
[Girl] Right, ready?
Beer in the mouth, blowjob-style. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
That’s it, that’s it! Go on, get back in there!
That’s it! Not in her eyes.
That’s it. More, more, more, more. Go on, keep going. Push it. Push it!
Put your back into it, mate. That’s it, that’s it, that’s it!
Keep going, keep going!
Get in there! That’s it, that’s it, that’s it!
Come on, open your mouth more, Jesus Christ!
No boy’s going to be happy with you!
Christ!
Tragic. I love you though.
Yeah, I’m not good at that game.
I dunno, you look pretty good to me.
[Girl] Come on, guys! All right!
[Boy] Another one?
That’s enough.
That’s enough.
Off, off! You lost.
[Boy] You lost, girl!
[Girl on mic] You can cuddle in your own time.
[Boy] Right, we need another boy!
[Girl] One more boy, please.
[Loud dance music]
[Girl] Come on!
You had a good time, yeah?
Let me see those hands up! Yeah?
If you’ve got a drink in your hands, down it!
Go! Now! Go, go, go! Down it!
Beautiful, I like that.
[Boy] Who else is fucked?
Where are you?
Wait, it’s fine.
It’s still fine. It still works.
[Badger] No, no! Stop it!
Aah, get off me.
Don’t you think he’s kinda fit, yeah?
I mean, he’s a complete clown, no?
No, but a sexy clown.
Come on, I think he’s proper jokes.
Nah, he’s butters.
You can do much better.
Come on.
[Music plays
Here Kitty (Ft. Dances With White Girls) by Chris Lorenzo]
♪ When you see me in the party
♪ Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, yeah
♪ When you see me in the party…
[Badger] Taz!
♪ I know you got that magic key ♪
[Horn honks continuously]
[Hip hop music]
Yes, Malia! Yes!
What you telling me, guys, you had a good night, yeah?
[Boy] We’re about to get you lot so fucking horny.
So fucking ready!
Let’s have it.
[Girl] Let’s fucking have it Malia! Come one guys.
Sorry, I just stepped on you.
We’re drunk. We’re fucking drunk.
OK, we’re going to play a game. We’re going to play a last game.
Final game of the night, yeah?
It’s a mad one.
It’s a big one.
You got to give it your all, okay? What do we need?
You going to do it?
If you do it with me.
Yeah, OK.
OK, let’s do this…
Come on.
[Girl] One more, right?
[Boy] Final! It’s the fucking final, guys.
[Girl] Get your game faces on. Stretch it out! Ready?
[Boy] We need two boys up on this stage now.
[Girl] Get me two boys!
[Boy] Who’ve we got? Hands up!
[Girl] So many hands!
[Boy] I can’t hear you.
Who’s wants it?
Oi, oi, look who it is.
Yes, let’s have our loser from earlier back, come on, in the blue.
Let’s get you up. Prove yourself this time.
Let’s go!
[Girl] Yeah!
Who we got here?
Up you get, up you get, up you get!
Badger.
Badger!
Over here we got Badger!
Badger! Badger! Badger!
What’s your name, boy?
My name’s Tom and I’m from fucking London!
Tom from fucking London, yeah!
We love a Londoner!
Oi! Now, listen up, the game we are playing
is these two lovely boys have got to get fucking hard, all right?
We need some girls!
We need some fucking girls.
Come on…
Oh, no.
[Boy] Oh, this one’s a lucky boy, eh?
Three girls over here. That’s it, over here! That’s it.
[Boy] That is amazing technique. How are you not hard?
Ooh, Jesus Christ, she’s gagging.
Come on, Badger, go to your happy place, mate.
Go on, girls! That’s it!
That’s it! Oh, my God!
Yeah! My fucking boy!
Let’s go, darling. Go on, deep-throat him.
Yes! Yes!
[Boy] What are we saying? What are we fucking saying?
[Music and voices distort; Fast thumping]
Yes, yes, yes! He’s hard! Badger is hard!
[Sigh]
[She groans]
Oh.
[People chant outside]
[She gags]
[Em] Skye?
Yeah.
Is that bed free yet?
[She chuckles]
Yeah, mate.
Go on.
And take the pan with you, innit?
Oh fuck!
Thanks.
[Paddy] Yo!
You’ve got a big smirk on your face. Have you got something to tell us?
Go on!
Go on, get in there! He just got a second.
Shh!
Please, Badger.
I wondered when youse lot would surface.
Morning.
[Skye moans]
Not feeling too good, lass?
Get some brekkie down ya, round two starting soon.
Fucking hell, you’re really in for the worst, aren’t you?
I thought you southern fairies knew how to party, you fucking jokers.
[Skye] Don’t feel very jokes right now.
[She retches]
[He laughs]
Gorgeous, pet!
Fuck!
Why so early?
I don’t remember anything at all.
Is Taz at theirs?
Must be.
Hm.
[Skye] Eating’s cheating, babe.
Oh, my God, please stop.
You’re going to make me sick again.
What, you want some?
Oi, do us a favour and wake Tara up.
Me and her have got some unfinished business.
We all know how you finish your business now, Badger.
[Paige] You lot up for pool?
[Paddy] Yeah.
Em?
Yeah.
Worst bit is, yeah,
I’ve got no memory of it.
Probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my whole entire life.
No memory.
[Em] That was the best thing?
[Paige] Hopefully, them girls feel the same.
Yeah, I hope they don’t remember it either.
Your life sounds proper shit.
[Paddy] Rinsed.
[Paige] Oi! Last night were crazy, you know?
Taz, come out here! Mush!
[Skye] Stop screaming, you lunatic.
Well, if you won’t get her out here…
She’s with you, no?
Yeah! Ain’t she at yours?
No, why would she be here?
Well, she came back with you.
She not at yours?
[Em] He’s joking about. Just bring her out.
On my Mum’s life, I’m not joking.
[Tense hum]
[Dance music continues in the background]
Check your phone.
She would’ve said something.
This is typical Tara behaviour.
She’s always on one.
See, last seen in the apartment, now.
Damn!
I guess girl got laid.
[Hum intensifies]
[Em] What she doing leaving her phone here?
Why are you being weird?
I’m not.
Oi, just look proper, yeah?
Yeah, check.
Mate, I’d know if she came here.
[Skye] She’s definitely still on it.
I don’t like it.
Just chill out.
It’s nothing major, is it? Just fucking stop panicking.
[Paddy] Should have moved quicker, bro.
Don’t you get jealous, you. It doesn’t suit you.
What are you trying to get at?
[Paddy chuckles]
Where is she, then?
You chat shit.
I don’t know.
I can’t just sit here. I’m going to talk to reception, okay?
[Paige shouts] See you down the pool, yeah?
Come on, boys, let’s go.
[Paddy] Badger, you coming?
Oi!
Do you want to come and chill here?
[Eerie hum; Insects chirp]
[Indistinct chatter; Dance music]
I’m so proud of Tara, man.
Proud?
I bet she’s finally…
She’s wanted to for so long.
What are you on about?
She’s a massive virgin, mate.
[Eerie Hum]
Do you think she’s all right?
Mate, she’s having the time of her life.
Are you jealous?
[Badger] No, it’s… it’s not that, it’s just…
Well, we could go looking for her.
[Badger] Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.
[Eerie hum intensifies]
[Hum; Muffled, echoed voices]
[Boy] Ho, ho, this one’s a lucky boy, eh?
Let’s go darling!
Go on, deep throat him.
Jesus Christ, she’s gagging.
[Passer-by] Hi darling.
[Hum continues; Distorted, muffled dance music]
[Music subsides]
[Paddy] All right, you?
Paddy!
What are you doing?
Um… not going home.
Is it past your bedtime already?
Where’s everyone else?
Still going, I think.
Yeah? Oh, come on, you can’t go to bed.
Me and you are always last ones standing.
You’re not going leave me on my own, are you?
We go to beach?
Come on! I know you want to.
Come on!
Sit there.
Here?
You don’t fancy the strip, then, no?
No.
Why?
I don’t know.
[Tara] Don’t you think it’s mad how, like,
sand just gets everywhere?
No, we’re on a beach.
What are you on about?
Yeah but, it just gets everywhere.
I’ve not noticed it before, but you’re proper beautiful, you know?
Some kind of compliment in there somewhere.
You’re into our lad, though, aren’t you?
So, what are you into, then?
Hmm…
Pasta and cheesy chips.
You’re fucking jokes, you!
Oi, let’s go skinny dipping.
No.
Why?
‘Cause it’s so cold.
Come on! Come on!
Paddy, no! No!
Paddy, no! I don’t want to! Put me down!
[Paddy laughs]
Paddy! No!
No! Put me down!
[She shivers]
It’s all right once you’re in it!
It’s not, alright at all Paddy.
It’s fucking freezing!
Come here.
Come here.
You’re going to lose all your teeth.
Come here.
What you laughing at?
Paddy, stop!
What?
Stop.
All right, I won’t touch you.
No!
Come here.
What?
I’m cold!
I think it’s a bit unfair how it don’t work both ways, though, really.
I’m cold.
[Paddy] Come on, then.
[Slap]
[He laughs]
Weren’t me, boss!
What?
I can’t help it when it’s wiggling in front of me like that, can I?
What are you so uptight for?
I’m not.
I thought you were the fun one.
Are you cold?
Yes.
Come on.
Wet clothes make you colder.
Chill out, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me, is it?
What do you mean, this isn’t the wedding?
[Paddy] Yeah?
Yeah?
[She whispers] Yeah.
[Dance music]
[Glass shatters; People shouting]
[Voices and music fade]
[Loud, dance music]
[Muffled music and voices]
[No audible dialogue]
[Muffled music subsides]
What’s your name?
Tara.
What’s yours?
I’m Fi.
Oi, you lot, this is Tara.
Tara!
[Muffled music resumes]
[Silence]
[Music resumes]
Are you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
Where’s your mates at?
Um.
We got split up.
[Music plays
Set My Mind Free by Matt Guy]
♪ I don’t wanna play host
♪ Play host to her ghost I’ve gotta set my mind free… ♪
♪ I don’t wanna play host
♪ Play host to her ghost I’ve gotta set my mind free… ♪
♪ I don’t wanna play host
♪ Play host to her ghost I’ve gotta set my mind free… ♪
[Music volume decreases; They chatter]
[Chatter fades]
[Muffled voices]
Do you want to come back?
Yeah? Come on.
Right, oi, wait! Hold! One, two… right!
Move!
Let’s go. Party back at our place!
[Delicate, gentle music]
[She screeches]
[All] Tara! Tara! Tara!
Three, two, one!
That was stunning!
You can sleep on the sofa, I can go in with Josh.
No, no, no.
I’m just going to have a quick nap,
and then, then I’ll be fine.
That’s not happening.
It’s fine.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, like, are you and Josh together, like?
No, no, no, no, we’re, like, we’re, like, basically family.
No, right, come on, seriously, in!
No!
Yes!
This is comfy!
Well, at least just stay inside. Everyone’s, like, proper sound.
No, I know, everyone is so nice, but I’m… this is good for me.
All right, fine. Okay, but you know where we are if you need us.
Thank you.
[Girl] Night!
Good night.
[She breathes heavily]
[Wind blows]
[Wind chimes resonates]
[Insects chirp]
[Muffled, indistinct voices]
[Laughter; Dance music in the distance]
[She sighs]
[Tara] Guess who’s back!
[Skye cheers] Hey!
Tara!
[Skye] I fucking told you lot.
[Paige] Snap!
[Badger] Right, right, right. That’s one that you’ve won.
[Paige] Yeah, alright…
You must have…
Snap!
Come on, details!
[Em] You were going to say?
It was a sick night.
[She whispers] So, did you and Paige…?
[She whispers] No, we were going to this afternoon, but…
I don’t know, I think…
I think she’s kind of nervous, you know?
Don’t change the subject.
Where’ve you been?
You know, I was really freaking out.
And, what, you left your phone here, too.
[She sighs]
Taz.
I, I slept with Paddy.
No fucking way!
When? How did that happen?
On the beach.
Oh, on the beach!
Sounds really romantic.
No.
Was it good?
Um…
[Door opens]
[Voice volume increases] And then I met these absolute legends in a club,
danced for hours, and then went back to their villa.
And it was really mental, but they were really cool, so…
I was there all night.
[She whispers] So, what did I miss?
Who was it?
Oh, you’re proper sneaky, you know?
All of this, we got to stick together,
have each other’s back, blah-blah-blah.
Runs off, has sex and gets new mates.
[Skye] Who was it?
[She whispers] Paddy.
[Skye] Oh my God!
Holiday romance brewing!
No.
Don’t you think it’s weird that he hasn’t said anything to youse?
[Em] No.
No.
I mean, it’ll defo happen again, won’t it?
Hey, come on. Let’s get back into it.
There’s much to be celebrating, ain’t there?
[Paddy] Get some more shots in! You run out of shots?
[Skye] All right, shots!
[Paddy] Yeah, shots, shots!
To Taz, the fucking legend!
[Tara] Yes!
Round four, let’s go!
[Em] Thank you.
[Paddy] Ugh!
[Em] Mm!
You all right?
Yeah.
[Badger] Right! I’ll see you lot later. White Party.
[Skye] We’ll have pres here.
[Badger] Yeah.
[Door opens; Muffled dance music in the distance]
[Door closes]
[Hip hop music on mobile; Chatter outside]
Last night was very jokes.
[Em] Oi, Taz.
Do you think you’re going to sleep with Paddy again tonight?
Mm, no.
[Skye chuckles]
[Mobile vibrates]
Guys, Mum’s just text.
The results, apparently they’ve got them.
[Skye] Oh my God.
I don’t think I can look.
I’m going to shower.
[Em] You not going to look?
No, I know that I fucked it.
Yeah, me too.
She said I did it.
Oh my God, yes mate, I knew you’d smash it!
[Skye whoops]
[Phone vibrates]
[Mum] Look, you can always retake, okay?
Just don’t worry about it for now. Just have a good time,
and we’ll talk about it when you’re home, okay?
We love you.
[Skye whoops]
[Music plays
Who you Are by Gaullin]
♪ Over there tomorrow When we are all right
♪ That’s when we forget just who we are
♪ They just come together And it’s all right
♪ That’s when you remember who you are
Guys, I’m a fucking genius.
Yes, you are, bitch!
[Waves rolling]
[She breathes heavily]
[Knocks on door]
[Skye] Taz, get the door.
[Em] Taz, go get the door.
I’ve only got one eyelash on.
[Badger] Police! Open up!
Ah! We got you there!
Yo, we met these down at t’ pool. Hope you don’t mind.
No, the more the merrier. Do youse want a drink?
[Lively indistinct chatter]
A shot? Well how many you got?
Yeah.
[Skye] Wait, what’s your name?
[Gemma] I’m Gemma.
[Skye] Gemma.
[Leah] Leah.
Gemma, Leah, I’m Skye, this is Em.
Tara.
[Paddy] Em, send me a cup!
Catch.
Fucking hell. Sorry, love.
[Gemma] I know what a Libra looks like
Where’s them balloons then?
[Badger] Yeah, come on, let’s go out for a fag.
[Gemma] It’s too warm in here.
[Dance music on radio]
[Skye] Oh.
Take one of them.
[Paddy] And you. Oi.
[Em] Taz.
You good?
Imagine, yeah, this genius got ten As!
Let’s get fucked up!
Oi, shut up! You did so fucking well.
So well!
Wait, you looked?
Yeah. Taz, I persuaded her, innit?
I thought you said you weren’t going to check results.
She might even be able to come with me next year.
[Em] Don’t be sad, Taz.
Whatever you do, you’re going to be great.
[Gemma] When are we going?
[Leah] Are we going soon?
[Em] Come on, Taz.
Oh, it’s going be so fun.
[Skye] White Party!
We got to keep an eye on Em tonight. She’s already looking fucked.
We’re not going to babysit her, though.
Like, it’s results night, she’s worked for it.
Pretty sure you don’t need ten As to open a restaurant anyway.
I’ll get you on front desk.
What restaurant have you been to what has a front desk?
Two coats? Any bags? Yeah, that’s four pounds!
That’s not front desk, that’s a cloakroom!
I’m not going to be working on a cloakroom.
Yeah, I’m not sure you’ve got much choice at this point.
Nah, come on.
I’m joking.
I would be kinda jokes in a cloakroom, though.
So what, is Paddy good, then?
Yeah, I guess.
Like, he knew what he was doing, innit?
Yeah, he looks like it.
Did he, like…
pick you up and throw you about and that?
Kind of.
Like, he’s strong.
Then you should deffo go for round two with him.
[Laughter and yelling]
That’s yours.
Thanks.
All right, you two, save it for the bedroom.
You all right?
Yeah, you all right?
Sorry about last night. I was trashed.
What do you mean?
It’s fine.
[They cheer]
[Tara exhales, sharply]
[She grunts]
[Paddy] Fuck…
Fucking, yeah…
[Tara exhales, sharply]
[Paddy] It’s giving me a migraine.
Come on then, let’s have a shot.
No, I don’t want vodka, I just want a shot. Go on.
[Loud dance music]
[People chat and laugh]
[No audible dialogue]
[Echoed breathing, muffled voices]
[She breathes heavily]
[Music continues; Sombre reverberation]
[Reverberation obscures music]
[She breathes heavily]
[Music rises, fades]
[Muffled reverberation]
[Muffled laughter]
[Skye] Oi oi!
Where the fuck have you been all night?
We’re going skinny dipping.
At the hotel?
No, at the beach.
I’m good.
Come on! It’s your last night here. Stop being a little weirdo.
I don’t wanna get sand everywhere.
It’s just fucking sand!
[Tara] I’m all right.
Stop being a freak, Taz.
Okay.
[Skye] Tara come on, I’m only joking.
Oi, come Badger.
No. I’d better walk her back.
[Skye] Fuck!
[Muffled music and voices]
[Paddy] Oh ho!
[Badger] What you doing, bro?
Going down t’ beach? Everyone’s there.
[Paddy] Yeah, of course.
Come on. Paddy’s coming.
She loves it on t’ beach, her.
Come.
I’ll come and find you later on.
[She sniffles]
Do you want a drink?
Cuppa?
[Tara] Yeah, sure.
What would you rather be, a baby goat or a mata baby?
What’s a mata baby?
I don’t know baby, what’s the matter with you?
[She chuckles]
Do you want any sugar?
[Tara] Uh-huh.
[Dance music in the distance]
[Insects chirp]
[She sighs]
[Delicate, gentle music]
[They yell]
[Music builds]
[All] Party! Party! Party!
[Skye] Taz! Taz!
Where were you? We missed you, mate.
Come on, gorgeous!
[Badger] Party! Party! Party! Party!
[Tara] What time is it?
We didn’t come here to sleep.
We bought you a present.
[Paige] Got a dead weight!
Sort her out.
Wake up, you lazybones.
You’re not even asleep.
[Badger] Come on!
What’s the matter with you?
[All] Party! Party! Party!
[Skye] Oi, Badger, where’s the fags?
[Badger] Get up! Stop being lazy.
[Door closes; Muffled, lively voices outside]
Hi.
Hi.
I just want to say…
last night were amazing.
I’m asleep.
I just came to say hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Sleeping here.
Did you not like it?
[Badger] Yo, I’ve got a drink for you here, bro.
I’m all right, me, bro.
I’m good. I’m going to go to bed, me, I’m pretty tired.
I’m a taken man now, aren’t I?
[Door closes]
What are you wearing?
Get these off you, you’ll be red hot.
[She grunts]
Everyone’s here, Paddy, and I’m asleep.
All right, all right.
[Em] Taz?
Tara?
Yeah, Em?
Love you.
I love you, too, mate.
You all right?
[Em] Yeah.
I am,
but I’m a bit pissed, though, mate.
I think I’m really going to miss you next year.
Are we still going to hang out?
Yeah, mate, we will.
We’ll be best friends for life.
[Tara] Hm.
[He sighs]
[Paddy breathes heavily]
Don’t move. Let me do it.
Am I too fast?
You like it fast, don’t you?
[Badger] My neck is killing me…
[Skye] Let us in the bed, for fuck’s sake.
[Door opens]
[Badger] That floor is fucking rough, mate, my neck’s fucked.
[Skye sighs]
[Skye whispers] Told you you would.
I love you, mate.
Best holiday ever.
[Low, abrupt hum]
Probably won’t go out tonight.
Went a bit hard, innit?
You can’t pretend you can’t hear me.
I made it onto your balcony now.
Yeah, sorry, I’m just tired.
[Paddy shouts] Wake up legends!
Mission complete! On t’ next one!
Round…
Fucking what round is it?
Morning, gorgeous. All right?
What you saying?
Nothing, I’m chilling, bro.
Fucking hell! Good chat lads!
[Badger] He’s a nightmare of a guy.
Mm…
I’ve known him since I were little.
His mum and my mum, they’re best mates.
And we live on the same street.
That’s nice.
[Skye] See you back home.
[Paige] Yeah, we’ll come down. It’ll be well jokes.
Yeah, or we’ll come up.
See how you northern lot do it.
[Paige] Anyway, we’re all coming back next year.
Same time, same place, no excuses.
[Paddy] Yeah, no excuses.
No early bedtimes either, Taz.
[Skye] Call her, then, innit.
[Paige] Make sure you text me when you get home.
[Skye] You gave Paddy your number, yeah?
[Em] See you later.
Bye.
[Paige] See ya.
[Paddy] See you gorgeous!
[Delicate, ethereal music]
[Music subsides]
Uh, I’m going to get some munch from here.
What do youse want?
Chips if they have them.
Yeah, chips also.
Banging.
Give us all the details then.
There’s not really anything to add to it.
I reckon we’ll come back next year.
Oi, you did it again last night, innit?
[Tara grunts]
I swear!
Oh, was it better the second time, yeah?
Why are you being sheepish?
Come on, give us the details.
No.
It didn’t count. It weren’t really proper.
[Skye] How can it not be proper?
Here.
What are you pair saying?
Just saying about last night.
Taz is saying it didn’t count.
He’s fit.
In my opinion, anyway.
I would have.
Yeah, he is fit.
Who’d have thought you two would get laid the most?
Yeah, I don’t know, he’s just… a weird guy, innit?
What do you mean, he’s a weird guy?
[Skye] Forget him!
We’re going out as soon as we get home, yeah?
We got local man to get on, now!
Huh! Fuck Paddy, man!
You can do so much better.
Taz?
I like, I was…
asleep, so…
Are you saying…?
What, Taz, was he like that with you both nights?
It’s fine.
You should’ve said something, like.
I didn’t clock, I…
Taz…
No, you’re right, I should’ve, I should’ve said something.
It’s fine.
No, it’s not.
[Skye] We should buy stuff here. It’s much cheaper.
I didn’t even get a tattoo or anything on this holiday.
[Skye] You were busy.
Oi, smell that.
It’s banging, that.
[Em] Mm.
[Woman on PA] …to London, Luton.
Yeah.
Fuck! You guys know this is our plane boarding, innit?
Come on!
…the gate will be closing in five minutes. Final call…
Go! Go! Go! Go…
[Delicate, dramatic music]
We got this.
We’re coming home!
[Music plays
Strong by Romy & Fred]
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ You carry so much on your own
♪ If you need someone to lean on
♪ You carry so much on your own
♪ If you need someone to lean on
♪ You don’t have to be so (so, so, so)
♪ You don’t have to be so (so, so, so)
♪ You carry so much on your own
♪ I’m right here
♪ I’m right here
♪ I’m right here
♪ You don’t have to be so strong ♪
[Muffled] ♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ Don’t go through it all alone
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ Don’t go through it all alone
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ Don’t, don’t, don’t…
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ Don’t, don’t, don’t…
♪ You don’t have to be so strong
♪ You don’t have to be so strong ♪
[Song concludes]
[Delicate instrumental music]
[Music continues]
[Music fades]
