Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021) – Transcript

The bodyguard Michael Bryce continues his friendship with assassin Darius Kincaid as they try to save Darius' wife Sonia.
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)

Michael Bryce is set to give up on being a bodyguard again and making peace with it, until Sonia Kincaid finds him and asks for his help. She needs his help in recovering her hitman husband Darius, after he is taken by mobsters. After getting him back, they are caught by Interpol agent Bobby O’Neill, who needs their help in locating a terrorist mastermind named Aristotle Papadopoulos, who wants to destroy the European power grid and infrastructure since the European Union is planning to impose more sanctions on Greece.

The trio get into more trouble, with Bryce taking much of the physical brunt of their encounters. After getting help from his bodyguard stepfather, Bryce Senior, the trio are captured by Aristotle’s henchmen. He has a history with Sonia since he was conned by Sonia even though he genuinely fell in love with her. After turning her against Darius Kincaid, he and Bryce are forced to flee. To make matters worse, Senior turns out to be working with Aristotle and turns his back on Bryce.

Bryce and Kincaid put aside their issues and work together to rescue Sonia and stop Aristotle. After killing Aristotle’s henchmen, they disrupt his plan to use a power drill to break into the European power grid and fight Aristotle and Senior. Bryce kills Senior while Kincaid and Sonia kill Aristotle. Bryce manages to hit the manual override to destroy the ship and stop the drill, and the three manage to survive the explosion. O’Neill says they have to stay on the boat for 48 hours together before being cleared and free, then hands Bryce papers to sign which he thinks is his AAA license. Bryce signs them only to find out they are adoption papers for him to be the son of Sonia and Kincaid.

* * *

Tonight in London we have the night of nights. Damn, there is so much talent in this city. The triple A rated bodyguard of the year awards. Who’re you most excited to see tonight, Mike?

Oh my God, I mean, there is only one white-hot favourite here, Steve, and you know, this bodyguard has had the best client list, the best evasive car maneuvers, the best gun handling skills, Christ, even has the best hair, and he actually insists his clients wear seat belts.

He’s the bodyguard that needs no introductions.

Michael Bryce is the clear favourite this year.

The final award for the triple A body guard of the year, and the winner is… my personal hero… Michael Bryce.



Oh, it’s so heavy! Whoa! Whoo! Wow!

Ah… Just want to…





Safe travels.

Why couldn’t you protect me?

Tik tok, motherf*cker.

And how often do you have this dream?

Just once… a night.

Oh. Well that’s not…


Mostly when I’m asleep.

It’s what my life was supposed to be.

I was the perfect executive protection agent till I lost it all.

When Darius Kincaid killed my most important client.

Darius Kincaid is a relative of yours?

God no!

He’s a hitman, wanted for like a gazillion murders around the world.

Even took a bullet for him.

Body-guarding committee, they wouldn’t recognize it.

Apparently they don’t take kindly to protecting sociopaths.

So, in two weeks I have to go in front of a tribunal and try to get my triple A rated license back.

To deal with the future, we sometimes have to deal with the past.

Quite often validation issues stem from a disapproving father.

I don’t have validation issues.

I have a licensing issue. I am bodyguard without a license.

That’s like being a belly dancer, without a torso.

I’m thinking, you need to forget body-guarding for a while.

And find happiness within.

Within what?

Within yourself.

Happiness in who you are.

I’m listening.

Well, first things first, I think all the guns and violence are weighing on your soul.

So, you need to get away and clear your mind, and then, you can find your future self.

Wait, like… like a cool… futuristic body guard with super powers?

No. Will you stop?

Stop thinking about body guarding.

Do you have a dream vacation at all?

I’ve heard Italy is lovely at this time of year so, how about Tuscany?

No. No. Not Tuscany. No. No Tuscany. Anything but Tuscany.

Okay. Capri then?


Like the pants?

Also, a lot of clients find it helpful writing journal letters to their future self or recording voice memos.

What if I call him?

I could leave him voice messages, I have my phone with me, all the time.

Johanne, this is great, I feel like I’m making really great progress here.

So do I, yeah.


And don’t feel like you need to check in with me again, I mean this is very much your journey now.

My journey?

You have graduated therapy.


Repeat after me.

No body guarding.




Body guarding.


No guns.

No guns.

Wait, no no. Hold on. Can I…

Can I keep my pen knife though?

Yeah, you can keep your pen knife.

It’s a very functional tool. You know… use it for a variety of different things.

Just you and your future self finding happiness within only two people that you need to be protecting right now.


I can’t believe I graduated therapy, I mean…

Bye there. Congratulations.

It’s just really crazy.

Jesus Christ.


After two years of crippling EU sanctions, Greece’s economy has spiraled into free fall causing mass demonstrations, civil unrest and nation wide strikes.

We now cross live as the head of the EU, Mr Walter Fisher, will announce his decision.

In four days time, at the end of the fiscal year the European Union will impose further economic and financial sanctions on the nation of Greece.

There will be no questions.

We are moving Mr Fisher to the extraction point.

Prepare the helicopter.

Today’s announcement of further sanctions has led to mass rioting on the streets of Athens with thousands of protestors causing wide…

Did you know that Greece…

Walter Fisher, the head of the EU…

is the motherland of civilization?

…has been reported missing, and there were speculation over who may be responsible for this kidnapping.

She gave the world a part in science, culture, and tragedy.


If this is about the decision…

You must reverse it.

There is no way.

It was a democratic vote.

You have suffocated my country, Mr Fisher.

But mark my words, in four days time, at the exact moment your sanctions will commence, all of you Europe’s infrastructure will burn.

Financial markets will collapse.

A millions of lives will be lost.

While Greece will return to her rightful place as the center of civilization.

CAPRI [Like the pants] ITALY

Hello, you’ve reached Michael Bryce.

Please leave a message, and have a triple A day.

Hey there, future Michael.

It’s today Michael.

I’m not great at first impressions, I just wanna say that I think you’d be proud to know that I graduated therapy.

I’m officially on sabbatical, and to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner, it’s only been 12 hours, but already the world feels more abundant.

As if somehow, it’s been waiting for me to make this change.

I think about my license and I ask myself what was I so worked up about!

In fact, for the first time since Kincaid killed Kurosawa I’m starting to imagine a life without body-guarding.

Or guns.

Or blood.

I know this sounds crazy but this really feels like a new beginning…

Let’s go, Bryce!

Vamonos! Vamonos!

Oh God!

Do I know you?

Do I know you?

I’m Sonia Kincaid.

[Speaks Spanish] Merde cucaracha.

The Mafia took my husband. We have to go get him.

No. No. No. I can’t get involved with this. I’m under strict psychological orders.

How did you find me?

Where the f*ck is he?

[speaks Spanish]

Hold on a second. Finally Darius isn’t haunting my dreams.

If you don’t help me, I am gonna put my strapon and I’m gonna f*ck your dreams until they wish they were your nightmares.


First of all, your mouth needs an exorcism.

Second of all, why does he need my help?

He said, get Michael Bryce.

He said that?


I thought he hated me.

Come on, let’s go.

You are vile.


[Speaks Spanish]

What did he say exactly? What was Kincaid tone?

Who gives a f*ck?

Come on. Let’s go. Get on it!

Take the gun.

No. I’m not doing guns right now.

I got it.

♪ Lining the TrackDan Smith ♪

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

No, no. There’s gotta be a safer way down.

It’s gotta be a safer way down. We need like a switch… Okay.



So, where is he?

They took him from me, Bryce.

We were gonna go on our honeymoon.

We were gonna take a road trip through Italy.

I always dreamt of it you know.

Oh, everything was going to be so romantic, so perfect.

And then this f*cking hijo de puta cucaracha motherf*cker took off on the most exciting moment of our first night of our honeymoon.

The next thing I know the phone rings, and he’s been captured by the Mafia.

Baby, I need help!

But, he’s a workaholic, Bryce.

I know he took a motherf*cking job…

He is a monster.

I just want him to provide me with the estabilidad that we need to start the family.

Did you say family?

We are trying to have a baby.

May God have mercy on our souls.

We have f*cked so hard and so tenderly. And in so many different places, positions, and I just haven’t gotten pregnant. You know what I think the problem is?


Yeah. Mi diamanté is too tight.

Your what?

My pussy, motherf*cker, my pussy is just too tight. Since Darius uses all his testosterone, macho shit, the whiny sperms abort the mission halfway up my pussy pipe.


I’m going to be such a good mother.

I can’t imagine anyone gooder.

Do you have pepper spray? I’m on sabbatical.


Good evening, gentlemen.

Who’s that?

The client we never get to meet?

Your concern is the demonstration.

So, please…


Data junctions are always encased in Tungsten carbide.

The only thing harder is diamond.

There are thousands of data junctions across Europe.

Each of them located by classified coordinates.

The bigger the junction we wish to hack the bigger the drill you will need.

Then it’s just a matter of uploading my bios selecting the radius of the attack weaponizing everything connected to the grid.



It’s perfect.


Kill them.

Copy that. Target locked.

The city of Zagreb has woken to absolute chaos this morning after a high velocity surge wiped out its power grid.

The climbing death toll has now reached 75.

Mr O’Neill.

Superintendent Crowley.

With half of Greece in the state of anarchy I hope you have a very good reason for pulling me out of a UN security summit.

Goddamn right I do.

Seen the news?

The damage to data charge aligned with the lightning strike and I’m inclined to agree.

Does this look like the victim of a lightning strike to you?

It also looks like Gunther Von Weber.

He’s wanted in 16 countries for hacking, infiltrating and undermining the world’s most secure cyber systems.

Where are you going with this?

My Italian informant Carlo, specified there is large scale cyber attack in 4 days.

Mr O’Neill, you have been warned repeatedly that it’s against protocol to deal with unsanctioned criminal informants.

Listen, I’ve been in Europe for a month, okay?

And the only thing you people do is watch f*cking soccer.

Not one bar carries Sam Adams.

So, the least you could do is let me do what we do in Boston, okay?

You work with the bad guys to get the worse guys.

This was a trial run.

And Carlo has been asked to buy the next co-ordinates, tomorrow night, in Portofino.

Alright, what do you want?

I want an office, I want a SWAT team.

I want an unlimited budget and if I solve this case, I want you to send me back to Boston.

I’ll give you 24 hours and a surveillance van.

Give me a translator.

You can have mine.

What do they call you?


Ass hole?


Traditional Scottish name.

Alright, William Wallace, warm up the chop.

We’re going to Italy.


Darius Kincaid.

A little birdie told me that you are in town.

Remember me? Your old pal, Carlo.

I remembered killing a bunch of motherf*ckers who worked for you.

I remembered that too.

Now, I would like to introduce you to my friend, the Butcher of Terresina.

This reminds me of a spa back at hotel.


Not at all.

These are the tiny cockheads that are holding my cucaracha.

Okay, let’s blast these motherf*ckers.

Whoa, no. You go in there guns blazing, they’re gonna get trigger happy inside, then it’s bye bye Darius.

He asked for me, he needs me, so, we’re gonna do this my way.

That means no killing, no guns and no blood.

Boring, is always best. Understood?

Of course not. What?

Jesus Christ.

F*ck him.

What have you done?

These f*ckers got a little bit too fresh.

I specifically said, no killing, no blood and no guns. I am not on sabbatical.

Where is your shirt?

Deal with it.

Through you!


♪ Hello ♪

♪ Lionel Ritchie ♪

Hang on.

What the f*ck is he doing here?

I believe it’s pronounced thank you.

For what?

For saving your life again, and again.

I never asked you to save shit.

Baby! What in the absolute f*ck is Michael Bryce doing here?

You said, Baby! Get me Michael Bryce!

What? No! No, no, no, no. I said, Baby, I need help. Get anyone, but Michael Bryce.


Didn’t he save your cucaracha ass?

Doesn’t mean I gotta be best friends with him.

He is the most annoying motherf*cker on planet earth.

Excuse me.

I have 20/20 hearing.

I can hear you. The dead guys… can hear you.

And what do you mean I’m the most annoying motherf*cker on planet earth?

How many times have you nearly got me killed?

Not enough!

Come on Baby, let’s get outta here, before he starts the in-flight safety demonstration.

Are you using pepper spray?

I’m on sabbatical.

And uh, trying to find my spiritual me awake.


I didn’t have to be here, you know.

I had fresh cucumbers on my eyes.

I had a linen rope with an insanely high thread count, it was like sleeping in the cloud.

Namaste motherf*cker.



The hitman, the bodyguard and the con woman.

You dumb f*cks just killed Carlo, the informant that was gonna punch my ticket home.

Who the f*ck are you?

Interpol agent, Bobby O’Neill. That’s who the f*ck I am.

And I know who all three of you shitheads are.

Michael Bryce, triple A rated bodyguard.

Pillar of the community.

Present. Thank you.

Only I know, you lost your license to protect when Shotgun Willy here killed Kurosawa.

No, no. That’s under review. Okay? Kincaid took that shot…


You’re still taking clients.

Name one.

The Sultan of Modora, Brussels.

Your Majesty, I’m Michael Bryce, your executive protection agent.

Contact, contact!

That’s a felony, pal.

F*cking Brussels, f*ck!

As for you two, you’re looking at about a billion years in prison.

But, today is your lucky day. Instead of going to the electric chair I’m gonna give you a shot at redemption.

Now, I got Intel, on a mystery big shot that’s about to launch a full scale cyber attack.

Carlo, my now dead informant was gonna buy a hard drive containing the co-ordinates for the attack.

Why don’t you hear me? I didn’t know.

But now, thanks to your bloodbath, that can’t happen.

So, you assholes are going to Portofino.

And you’re gonna make the buy instead.

Bob? A quick sideward?

Listen. First off, I’m happy to postpone my sabbatical if it’s gonna keep me out of jail.

But I think, you know, you should really reconsider working with these guys.

I don’t wanna go to Portofino.

Because they are… you know, f*cking crazy.

…No. I don’t.

F*ck. Wow.

Okay, colorful drinks, you are gonna be the goofy bodyguard for Carlo’s British mistress.

While Grumpy pants here, makes sure that hard drive gets out.

Are we clear?

We could just take the money and run, baby.

No. I’m tired of running, Darius.

Ah. Superintendent Crowley, how nice.

I don’t wanna go Portofino as his bitch.

Did you guys see how hard that guy punches?

What if somebody’s upstairs?

Shut up.

Change of plans.

There’s been a heist in a shipping dock and it could be related but that does not change what’s happening here.

Now, Sean Connery, here is gonna give you a bunch of money to make the buy.

Do you see that? That’s your buy money.

One dime goes missing, you try to go AWOL and I’m gonna slap global red f*cking notices on all your asses.

Oh no. Not red notices.

Red notices. What are you doing?

I’m not. On me?

What is this? A Nokia?

Listen to me.

I don’t know how to even work this thing.

Look at me. Look at me.

I’m looking. I’m looking at you.

You stay in close contact with me. You understand?

I’ll call you all the time.

Shut up.

When I call, you answer.

And you… resources are kinda low.

Why don’t you enjoy your transportation?

Do not f*ck this up.

Oh, we are definitely going to f*ck this up.

I mean look at the two people you are saddling me with.

Get your asses to Portofino.

Zero chance of making it out of this room.

You may as well hire brain damaged, kidney…

F*cking honeymoon, it’s over!

It’s not gonna work.

I understand some people get cold feet on their wedding day.

But I’d have never thought that you’d get cold dick on our honeymoon night.

Baby, baby. I said I was sorry.

Sorry is not good enough, I want an explanation.

Where the f*ck were you?

Where were you, Darius? Just tell her.

I took a job. Okay?

F*ck you.

Hey! Hey!

F*ck you! F*ck you!

Now is a good time to talk about seat belt rule.

Perhaps now is the good time to talk about the “shut the f*ck up” rule.

I’m just saying it because she’s driving like a crash test dummy.

Do not criticize my wife’s driving, motherf*cker.

Hush! Hush!

Do you know what I just realized?

I’m not gonna let you crazy motherf*ckers ruin my shit.

I’ll treat this as a lovely road trip through Italy and I’ll just pretend that you are still my devoted husband.

I am.

And you Bryce, you will be, you will be the human luggage.


We are now on honeymoon.

First of all, it’s a mission.

Second of all, and just so we are clear I promised my therapist no body-guarding.

So, I’m not protecting either one of you.

This is not mission. This is honeymoon.

What the f*ck! Hey! Eyes on road! Eyes on road!

Babies need to be created in a stimulating environment.

I must be aroused by sightseeing, shopping, fine dining.

But we are officially on honeymoon.

For real?

Did she say fine dining?

Let’s not do that, guys. Let’s just focus on the road here.


I got it. No. It’s fine. You guys have at it.

Maybe feather the break a bit.

Maybe feather the break a bit!

♪ Tu vuò fà l’Americano ♪

♪ Renato Carosone ♪

Yo, let me borrow your phone.

Why did you lie to her?

The f*ck are you talking about?

You lied to her back there. You weren’t on job.

And how would you know that?

Because, there’s like 22 two body indications when somebody lies, and you exhibited 40.

You say one word to Sonia about this, I’ll invent new ways to kill your ass.

Wow. You must have done something really serious, Darius.

Honesty is the best policy.

I don’t take relationship advice from single motherf*ckers.

I don’t have a calling plan. Make it quick.

♪ Tu vuò fà l’Americano ♪

♪ Renato Carosone ♪

I took a job, okay?

Portofino has water views which means it’s perfect for us to…

Oh shit!

Where are you going?


What the f*ck?

You better hope that job was worth it, motherf*cker.

What job?


Who the f*ck is this?

We have an availability for Carmen at 2 PM.

Who the f*ck is Carmen?

Ticket to the opera Carmen, and you wanted two, no?

Oh my God!

What’s that thumping? I can’t stop.

God! You people… f*cking insane!

Hey! Watch your mouth!

I picked you up from the street, saved you from sun stroke, and now you’re calling me insane?

Sun stroke?

You could go to jail for leaving a dog in a hot car.

And don’t even get me started on the psychological ramifications of what I heard you two doing.

Is that Valentino?

No it’s mine.

Did you spend the buy money?

Come on, they totally expect us to spent some of it.

Yeah. No, no. Obviously, I’m covered with my life savings.

I think it’s a great idea.

I’m just gonna make a call.

Wish I had some life savings.

Hello! You’ve reached Michael Bryce.

Please leave a message and have a triple A day.

Hello, Mr Muron, well, we’re… we’re way off course.

Can’t even see the course anymore.

Or hear it, for that matter.

My ears are still ringing from… from ferocious sexual intercourse leading to a rolling quadruple climax.

Anyway, I’m venting.

I don’t wanna vent to you. So, I’ll catch up with you later.


Who were you talking to?

That’s a secret.

I know your secret.

You do?

You are so lonely that you are talking to yourself.

Listen, Bryce, you really hurt my feelings.

Do you really think I’m crazy?

No. I think you are… unusually aggressive.

Violent, but in an unpredictable way.

I’d make a great mother, don’t you think?

I think you will. Yes.

Oh my God, a child would be so lucky to have you as its host.

Thank you, Bryce, thank you.

It must be your powerful asexuality that makes you such a good listener.

Let me guess, Crowley gave us some shit lead.

No one will tell me what was inside. It was classified military shipment.

Whoa! Whoa!

What are the f*cking odds?

Seems lightening strikes twice.

We need to get that packing slip.

And how do you propose we do that, Mr Bobby?


Jesus! What the f*ck are you doing?

Son of a bitch!

Last time I saw something like this

Bruce Wills was drilling a hole in an asteroid.


Bobby, I’m glad you called.

Listen, it’s a diamond tip drill.

And I know there’s a link. But this drill was f*cking massive.

You were right.

We picked up some chatter in our Rome office.

The mob are making a buy in Portofino.

They are purchasing classified co-ordinates of a large scale data grid.

We’ve got a surveillance team there…

We have a team in Portofino?

Yeah, moving into position now.

Get the chopper. Get the chopper.

Oh Bobby, if this actually turns out to be what you say it is I will personally make sure you get your transfer back to Boston.

Ma’am, I can’t, I can’t thank you enough. Thank you so much. Thank you, Ma’am.

We’re going to Portofino.


Let’s get in the character. I’m the bodyguard.

Now, let’s hear the British accent of Carlo’s mistress.

My British accent is perfect, you f*cking c*nt.

Let’s skip the British accent, and go straight to being brutally executed.

How’s the sideline, D?

Just protecting my ASS-SET.

We are here to see Vladimir.

I’m the bodyguard.

Security check.

Two minutes out.

Crowley’s got a team in place. We gotta call off the buy.

If she finds out I’ve got those three shit heads working for me…

He’s not answering the phone.

What did I tell? Burner Phone, pick it up!

Here you go, sir.

Thank you very much. Great work.


Oh, shit!

What’s wrong?

Just a former client. But it’s fine. He didn’t see me.

You must be Vladimir.

Carlo sends his regards.

He thought that I would attract less attention.

Well, he thought wrong.

But nobody’s complaining.

Son of a bitch.

Do we have the security feed yet?

Getting it now.

Don’t move till the buy is made and they are out of the club.

There is too many civilians.

Roger that.

These are the classified co-ordinates to the entire European data grid.


No, no.

These are proximity pairs.

Until the buyer’s fingerprints disarms the bracelet I suggest you do not let the briefcase out of five meter radius for more than 15 seconds.

If you do, bracelet explodes.

Keep it close.

It will be a shame for that beautiful face to be disintegrated by TNT.

The f*ck!

I should just pop this motherf*cker right now.


Oh. The delivery address?

In Florence.

Ah. I love Florence.

They adore culture.

You will deliver to the buyer tomorrow at the Deludo gallery house.

Michael Bryce!

You have me confused with someone else.

No, no, no. I never forget a face of a man who saved my life in my darkest hour.

Michael Bryce. Didn’t he lose his license when Kurosawa was killed.

No, no, no. He’s got me mistaken for someone else.

And for the record, that’s pending review.

F*ck off!

Why would Carlo hire an unlicensed bodyguard to protect the love of his life?

Right. You’re fired.

You’re f*cking fired.

Oh, that’s true, baby.

Carlo always has preferred younger women.

Excuse me.

I’ve seen him with a woman in her thirties.

But never this old.

No, no, no, no. Don’t laugh.

Here it comes.

Oh baby. You’re late.

What the f*ck did you just say?

You finger licking, shit monkey, doggy blowing motherf*cker!

[Speaks Spanish]

That sounded really Mexican.


We have a problem.

This is a f*cking set up.

You don’t f*cking say, vape juice.

Get that case off her. Get me Carlo on the phone!

And here we go.


Secure the room.

Let’s go. Move! Move!

Bryce! The gun!

You feel like giving me a hand, Kincaid?

Triple A my ass.

Interpol agents, you are authorized, shoot to kill.

Interpol. Get the f*ck out now!



Bryce, the case! Come on!

Get up! Bitch!

Get out of the way.

Say my age.

I don’t know.


I’m famished.

Shall we go now?

Still Mexican.


Get to the f*cking dock! Now!

Bryce! Bryce!

Get out of the way!

Stay with me, Bryce.

This way.

Out of my f*cking way! Bryce!

Target heading for the water.

Let’s go!

You better say something nice about my Bryce.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we will never forget the time you spent with us.

That was beautiful.

You should have been a priest.

Okay, let’s toss his ass in and bounce.

What in the absolute f*ck is wrong with you people?

We gave you a sea burial.

A sea burial?

Well, you didn’t have a heartbeat.

I’m wearing Kevlar!

These were your operatives?

I’ve never seen them before.

Only one number called this phone Michael Bryce was in possession of.

And it was yours.

We have less than two days before this attack happens, two days.

I gave you a chance. You went behind my back.

And you employed two criminals and an unlicensed bodyguard and now they are in possession of critical evidence.

For all I know, they could be in on the cyber attack.

Oh, they are not in on the attacks. Trust me, they are idiots.

Put out a global red notice on Darius Kincaid, Sonia Kincaid and Michael Bryce.

We have a problem.


Three unknown fugitives escaped with the co-ordinates.

Interpol were all over the scene.

Seems that we have a rat.

Get me Carlo on the phone.

Sir, Carlo is dead.

Find the fugitives. Kill them.

I need the briefcase.



What’s wrong?

You can’t be serious.

About what?

My ribs are broken.

I came down a little case of 12 gauge shotgun to the chest.


Hey, Brycey, don’t worry. Sonia’s gonna take care of you.

This will make you feel better.

Thank you.

There you go, baby.

The auction of artworks by the reclusive Greek Shipping Billionaire is believed to be the last of a long line of assets he has liquidated outside of his homeland.

It is unknown of his motivation for selling up in Europe is but analysts are calling it financial suicide.

That is one hell of a security detail.

Holy shit! Magnusson.


Only the triple A rated bodyguard of the year three years in a row.

They give you motherf*ckers awards?

Yes, they give us awards. And we have conventions and everything.

Ain’t no award for hitman.

It’s called lethal injection.

God, look at him. He’s so strong.

Confidence like a panther.

Let me see this motherf*cker.

Oh, shit!

Zento! That is a good motherf*cking hitman right there.

Took a lot of business from me.

Find yourself a nest.

I’m gonna take the tower.

Whoever wants this briefcase is a serious high roller cause Magnusson’s fee is astronomical.

Releasing the package, I want everyone on high alert.

And, bingo!


That is awful.

It’s like Liberace banged a set of curtains.

Magnussen, three pigeons on the rooftop.

They have the stolen briefcase.

Take the shot.

Oh shit! Zento! Gun!

Get Aristotle to safety.

I got him.

Scatter and converge. Get that case.

They won’t know we have five possible escape routes.

They have five possible escape routes.

We should use the decoy.

It appears they have no decoy, sir.

My god. They are amateurs.

Alright, let’s go.

Come on!

Listen to me, we have an extraction vehicle waiting.

These idiots don’t even have an extraction vehicle.

Bryce, get up there.

Go! Now!

Move it! Bryce!

Magnussen recognized me.

Which means he probably knows my moves.

I don’t recognize any of these losers. Shoot to kill.

Bryce, we gotta go!

Just a moment.

Got it. Go!

Let’s go!

Parrot is loose. Keep it inside.

Bryce, watch out!


Wow! This guy’s handling skills are actually incredible.

Steve McQueen ain’t got shit on you.

I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said anything nice to me.

Bryce! Bryce!

Get down, Darius. Go! Go! Go!

Bryce! What the f*ck?



What did you give him?

Just painkillers.

He’s so delicate.

Parrot is flying west, keep it inside.

Oh no! Not the stairs, motherf*cker!

I’m not wearing a sports bra!

Jesus, these guys are little bit taken.

This is not f*cking honeymoon.

This is shitty moon.

I say, we had a pretty great f*cking day.

Are you f*cking kidding me?


Wine tasting.

Yeah, with someone else’s money.


One bird’s still remaining in flight.

Watching opera.

And you fell asleep?

Good afternoon.

I’d like to offer up a ceasefire.

You handover that briefcase and I’ll gladly undo that bracelet.


Bugger me.

That’s the end of Bryce’s idol.

Parrot’s flying south.

Get the case.




Did we lose them?

No, you didn’t lose it.

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Sonia! Back in the car.

He’s reloading. Take the wheel.

[Speaks Spanish]

What are you doing?

Hang on, baby!




He didn’t wear them seat-belts.

The three fugitives responsible for a nightclub shootout in Portofina last…

Phone call for you, sir.

…and are believed to be hiding somewhere in Italy.

Our World news correspondent…

Sir, I’m sorry to inform you, but the three fugitives managed to escape.

…the search for international con-woman, Sonia Kincaid…

You find them.

…and infamous, hitman Darius Kincaid.

I want them alive.

♪ You’re asleep, little Bryce ♪

♪ Can you please wake the f*ck up ♪

♪ In your slumber think of Sonia ♪

♪ And the bomb that’s on her wrist ♪

Hey! What were those pills?

It’s just lithium.


Baby! Lithium’s not pain medication.

Brycey, do you want some more?

Don’t you come anywhere near me.

I’ve had it with you two.

I’m sorry to say this Sonia but you… are crazy.

Hey! You can’t talk to my wife that way.

Why not? She’d make a terrible mother.

I wouldn’t leave a Chucky doll in her care.

You need to apologize to Sonia right now.

What? Are you gonna shoot me now? Father of the year right here.

Can’t wait.

Hey! Where are you going? I said, apologize.

Well, I’m just gonna ride the lithium out.


Babe, you aight?

I’m great.

Took a bullet for him. Took a bullet for her.

Yeah. Well, Bryce is just everybody’s favourite little bullet caddy.


Game on.

Come on.

Give me a sign.


Any sign.


Okay. That is a sign, just not the one I’m looking for.



Anything at all?


I see what you’re doing.


You wanna play ball?

We’re gonna play ball.

Our honeymoon is a delicious f*ckery.

I don’t have a fetus in my womb but I do have a bomb on my wrist.

Hey! I said some awful stuff back there because I was involuntarily administered lithium.

Apology accepted.

I’m not apologizing.

I know someone who can help us out.

Is this like that gun thing? You can’t press doorbells either?

It’s just I haven’t… spoken to my father since I lost my license.

So, you are admitting you are unlicensed.

You don’t understand.

He’s the greatest bodyguard who ever lived.

And I’m just… me.

What are you doing? What are you doing?



Mr Bryce is out back. He’s chopping the wood.

It’d be a moment.

I’ll get you some water.

This triple A shit is a family fantasy.

Oh, hey, papa.

I never imagined I’d be coming home like this.

I always thought it would be under different circumstances.

As I’m sure you know my, my license is under review.

I’m sorry for being such a disgrace.

We really need your help.

Out there in the world you’re an unlicensed protection agent.

But here, here you are my son.

And this is your home.

What the f*ck?

Just… Chill.

I’m trying to have a long awaited moment with my dad.

I get it. You’re freaking out.

No, he is–

A legend. Yes. That’s weird for you. But to me he’s just papa.

No, I’m freaked out because–

Because his voice is so deeply rich in its timbre?

Yes. It’s remarkable, but a lot of people sound–

No, motherf*cker, it’s not his voice, it’s the fact that he is–

Is a published author?


What is it, Darius?

Spit it out ’cause frankly it’s exhausting to hear you beat about the bush.

Around, junior.

I’m sorry?

The expression is “beat around the bush.”


It’s “around”.

Sorry, I’m–

I know who you are.

I watched the news.

Hello, my dear.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Bryce’s father.

My pleasure.

You have a lovely son.

Can we have it removed?

We’ll do our best.


Yes, sir?

Make arrangement for a safe house.

And the necessary equipment to unlink a TI-47.

When the f*ck were you gonna tell me your dad was black?

Step-dad. And I fail to see how that’s relevant.

Why don’t you start seeing with your heart instead of your head?

Relevant, heart, hate? What the f*ck are you talking about?

You know exactly what I’m f*cking talking about.

All right now, boys.

I’m sorry, papa.

No bickering under my roof, OK?


Who’s hungry?

I can eat.

Good. Good.


I’m a little peckish.

These are all the bullets dad’s taken for heads of state.


Nothing like taking the bullet to make you feel like a man.

Yeah. Taken 20 myself.

I took a bullet.


Yeah… for Darius. I saved his life. Right, Darius?

Bryce took a bullet for my husband at the Hague.

He was very brave.

Check it out. Right there.

Why does it look like a freckle?

He also took a shotgun blast for me, last night.

Actually I was wearing Kevlar.


Real triple A’s never wear a Kevlar.

‘Cause knowing Bryce and his trusty pen I feel half the danger is all taken care of before it even gets to that.

You laugh, but countless heads of state have been taken out by the pen knife.

No one sees is coming.

Ah, yes.

Elena’s gelato.

Best gelato in this side…


Excuse me a moment.



What’s wrong with him?

It’s the gelato.

I forgot.

It’s a trigger.


All of Bryce’s memories are with his mother.

She used to call him her little bodyguard.

Every Sunday she would take Bryce to the amusement park.

But it wasn’t the rides he was interested in.

It was the gelato.

Then what happened?

Did he choose the wrong flavor?

No, me dear. Fate chose his mother.

To this day I have no idea why a full-figured 290 pound Italian man wanted to ride the paratrooper.

Truth is I don’t wanna know.

Some things are best left unsaid.

And Bryce… Well, he chose to blame himself.

That’s why he loves seat-belts.

Still doesn’t explain why he’s so annoying.

You’re annoying.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

Are you OK?

I’m fine. I’m fine.

Do you want me to push it?

No. no.

Thank you. I just… I cry sometimes when I’m… awake.


You father told us what happened to your mother.

If I just ordered peach gelato a minute sooner she’d still be alive.

It’s my fault. My bad. I get.

No. no.

It’s not your fault. You cannot blame yourself.

When it’s perfectly normal to feel guilty.

I understand you better than you think.

My mother was eaten by a shark.

You know seeing your mother being devoured by a beast, it can really traumatize you more than you can think.

But my God, has he done a number on you, honey.

I mean you are f*cked up in more ways than I can count.

Now it all makes sense. Including your obsession with my boobs.

What? I’m sorry, did you say “with your boobs”? I don’t…

I’ve never thought about your boobs. Not even once.

I didn’t even know you had boobs since–

Come on, you’re obsessed with my boobs.

OK. Jesus Christ. All right.

When you saved me, you very gently cupped your hands and pushed me by the boobs to save me from the bullet.

It was… not a lot of alternatives…

And I could hear the little boy…

Didn’t have much of a choice.

…inside of you screaming: “Mommy, please don’t die! I need you.”

I don’t think that’s what I was screaming. I don’t sound like that at all.

If it makes you feel any better.

It doesn’t.

I cannot eat gelato either.

Right, cause it makes me feel better. I don’t care.

I’m lactose intolerant.

I still don’t care. So…

I’m gonna head back inside. I think they’re serving shelf’s tea.

OK. Hey, this was great. It was really really great.

To get to the safe house follow these…

Excellent. Excellent.

Thank you very much.

Good news.

My contact says everything is all set.

We’ll have that TI-47 off of you in no time.

Meanwhile I’ll sort everything out with Interpol.


Let’s let them have a moment together.


I’m sorry about the gelato.


You know, the guys who lose their license, they never come back.

Look at you. You gonna be a hero.

I’ll come down to the safe house to see you after I’ve got some more information.

I’ll also have a talk with the review board.

See to it that you get a good hearing.

Thank you.

Thank you, dad.

No worries. No worries.

Oh, Bryce.

Take the Jack.

The Jack?

One I wasn’t even allowed to look at it as a kid?

You earned it.

Damn, I love this motherf*ckin’ car.


Can I just acknowledge for one second that not only are we safe.

But I think I’m gonna get my license back.

All because of my father.

I’m so happy for you, Bryce.

Baby… There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.


I think I’m gonna join dad’s agency.

Bryce & Son. Sounds… a little cotton mouth.

You guys, you just can’t keep your hands off each other.

This feels familiar.

I don’t spend that much time with my head in the bag.

Do you think maybe once you could spot the ambush?

Watch my hair motherf*cker!

What in the a-double-money sign is that?

Aristotle Papdopolous.

My darling.

I thought I had lost you forever.

So many sleepless nights.

So long have I been wandering the maze of despair.

Anybody wanna tell me what the f*ck’s going on here?

Long ago… a girl who had lost her way turning tricks with wealthy men at Craps tables.

But when she met a mysterious Greek man he taught her there was more to life.

A life of art.


Dance. And passion.

She learnt to appreciate the finest things in life.

But when the cheap decking of his mega yacht snapped her beautiful Gucci heal


fate took another turn.

She was found by fishermen.

She laid in bed for weeks.

And when she finally woke she had amnesia.

Now, seeing your face and listening to your voice so closely to my ear.

All came rushing back to me.

You’ve cured me.

Can you put the hood back on?

You have history with this motherf*cker?

If I’d known earlier it were you who had my case I would’ve ensured you were treated like the Aphrodite you are.

Thank you.

Have these two brought to Lucas and Francesco in my torture chambers.

Torture chambers?

Did he say Cha Cha chambers?

No, motherf*cker, he did not.

Perhaps one day you’ll learn that great men don’t need to strip to vulgarity to express themselves.

I know how to express myself, motherf*cker.

Take them away!

Believe me.

I have not begun to express myself…

Can we have separate torture chambers?

The final piece of my master plan.

To win justice for Europe’s atrocities.

Take her to the technology center and have my yacht prepared.

Come with me.

I have something to show you.

The room we dreamt of building together.

How nice.

Have you ever thought that maybe she’s conning you?


I’m just saying, she’s a con woman. That’s what con women do.

Con person?

Person? I don’t know how do you say that.

Could you guys come back a little bit later? We’re in the middle of a…

You gonna tell us everything you know.

I’m not telling you a motherf–

So you never had a family?

You were my only true love.

You have suffered so much.

You can go all day with that.

You can electrocute him all day, it will only make him angrier.

I, on the other hand will tell you everything. I’ll tell you everything.

if you just keep that away.

What? Really?

Sonia showed up, I was on vacation, she said that Kincaid was in trouble.


And then Interpol came.

I don’t even know why those guys came for.

The guy’s name was Bobby O’Neill. Probably Robert O’Neill.

That guy was mean. The point is that he wanted to ask me…

I don’t even know what a BUY is. That’s like a drug thing or something?

…that could be anything. Is that Francesco or are you–

It is insensitive of me to show you this.

Considering your condition.

My what?

Carlo was an associate of mine.

When he found your husband he was at the fertility clinic.

A fertility clinic?

Buying fresh eggs. I assumed… you are barren.

Sir? We have a situation.

Remind me never to tell you shit.

Well, we’re free, aren’t we?

Yeah. F*ck it. Let’s go save my girl.

I don’t know if I buy this whole amnesia thing.

All of a sudden hating on Sonia. She f*cking loves you.

I’m not hating on Sonia. I’m just saying–

It just reminds me of something, you know.

It’s like a folk, or a movie. Or something…

We don’t fire a gun in a cage.

Motherf*cker, you didn’t get tazed.

I guess we’ll find out what a mace will do.

That’s decorative, I think.

What is it? It’s gonna drive me crazy.


Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn. She gets amnesia.

I feel so much better.




I wanted to keep that f*cking mace.

[Speaks Italian]


Stop yelling! You gonna get us f*cking killed!

There she is! There she is!

No. No.



I’m coming to get you.

You lied to me.


The night of our honeymoon. You didn’t take a job.

Are we really doing this now?

You went to a fertility clinic to buy fresh eggs because you think mine are rotten.

Baby, you can’t buy eggs at a fertility clinic like in a grocery store.

That motherf*cker is lying to you.

Do you wanna life on the run?

Or do you want the stability of a family?

Goodbye, Darius. It’s over.

We gotta go.

Baby, no.

We gotta go, Darius.

Sonia, don’t say that. Please!

Let’s go!


She’s playing him, played you. You know, like a triple cross.

There’s no triple cross.

If there’s the lifestyle she wants and he can give it to her.

More power to him.

Shit. I got no money in the bank.

Interpol is always in my ass.

I’m a hitman shooting blanks.

Wait, what? Hold on. Wait, what?

I got shot in the nuts on a job and I never told Sonia about it.

You don’t have testicles?

No. I mean yes!

Yes, I have testicles.

The right one, Kool & The Gang. The left one, a little gazy.

So my swimmers are not strong enough to get across the Finnish line.

So I can’t give Sonia what she wants most in the world.

I told you just be honest with her.

None of this would’ve happened if you were just honest with her.

That shit always leads to an ass whipping or jail sentence.

I see you when I see you.

Where are you going?

Hey, Darius!


Dad, there was an ambush and….

What’s the Jack doing here?

You are the dumbest motherf*cker I have ever met.

Wow. That’s…

I handle Aristotle’s security detail while he’s in Italy, you moron.

You work for the bad guys?

A triple A puts his clients ahead of God, family, and certainly a penny waste such as yourself.

You are a cruel son a–

I would turn you in but that would be an admission that I think you’re a threat.

And Bryce. I spoke to the review board.

They agree with me.

You barred for life.


Now get off my trash. You’re a stain on my legacy.

Out of all the gin joints in all the world you walked into mine.

My dad screwed us.

He’s Aristotle’s head of security.

Also, he really hates me.

I owe you an apology, Kincaid.

Now your thing really is better than my thing.

No more Mr Nice Bryce, all right? I wanna be a bad-ass.

I wanna be loose.

Hey, we should do some coke.

Motherf*cker you would OD on a baby aspirin and a diet soda.

I wish to speak to Darius Kincaid, please.

Is there a Mr. Kincaid here?

Who’s asking?

His f*cking wife, motherf*cker!

Your wife.

What the f*ck do you want and how the f*ck did you find me?

I found you ’cause they found you, motherf*cker. There’s a kill team coming your way.

So you better get the f*ck out of there. And how dare you give me attitude when I am risking my hot ass over here so that we can have our f*cking honeymoon?

And what about all that shit in Monaco?

Oh, come on, Darius, you know how many men I’d con before you came along?

I never had amnesia.

For real?

How could you think for a second that I would leave you?

I can’t imagine my life without you.

Baby, look.

I didn’t go to a fertility clinic because of you.

I think you can’t get pregnant because of me.

Baby, would’ve been nice to have a family.

We can adopt.

Yes, baby!

You will be the best father, baby.

I mean look how good you’ve been for Bryce, this dysfunctional abandoned poor child.

His father obviously hates him.

I mean he doesn’t have any friends.

And you, you’ve been nothing but a ray of sunlight.

I love you so much, Sonia Kincaid.

And I’m coming to rescue your ass.

I love you more than ever, mi cucaracha.

But you better hurry the f*ck up.

He’s going to destroy Europe to save Greece.

He’s drilling into the Viareggio’s data grid tomorrow while he escapes on his yacht.

You have to stop it.

Get the f*ck down!

Darius? Darius?

So how does it feel to lose the one you love?

I for one did not slip.



Do you think I haven’t seen the film “Overboard”?

Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn.

A minor classic.

My security has already exterminated your cucaracha.

And you will die alone and without a family.

No one in this world can kill Darius Kincaid.

That motherf*cker is unkillable.

Car chase.


You’ve reached Michael Bryce.

Please leave a message and have a triple A day.

The future Mike. It’s me.

F*ck, are your seriously making a phone call right now?

I feel like my spiritual journey is almost complete.

But now I realize…

Safety is for losers.

The old Bryce is long gone.

I’m driving without a seat-belt now.

It’s the craziest thing happened to me.

When you lose everything.

You got nothing left to lose.

It’s like Tim McGraw always says.

Tim Mc f*cking who?

You gotta live like you were dying.

That is the lamest shit I have ever heard in my life.

I’m at the event horizon, baby. I feel truly–

Nobody’s after us. Slow down.

I’m completely free.


It’s OK.

My knees and its skin…

So I’m gonna see my dad and I’m really nervous.

‘Cause all I want in the world is for him to be proud of me.

And I think you, future Michael will be proud of me for dealing with this.

I know I said a lot of things…

Whatever the f*ck this future Michael shit is it’s got to go.

You are future Michael, motherf*cker.

My dad called me a stain on his legacy.

Jesus, Bryce look, I get it. You are a f*ck up, OK?

You got some f*cking issues.

But you can’t allow a motherf*cker you share not a one drop of DNA with to define you.

There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

When I got clipped in the nuts…

It happened in Brussels.


I’m Michael Bryce, your executive protection agent.

Get down!


I’m the one who shot you in the nuts and you never thought to tell me that?

That’s a W for me. That’s a big L for you.

It was a ricochet.

Ricochet my ass motherf*cker.

Ricochets don’t count.

It’s an L for you. Take the L! Take the L!

Despite the fact you get on my last nerve you’re pretty good f*cking bodyguard.

I’m never getting my license back. That’s over.

You don’t need a license.

What do bodyguards do?

They protect people.

And the whole of Europe needs your protection right now.

Now repeat after me: I’m unlicensed and I don’t give a f*ck.

I’m unlicensed and that’s terrible–


I’m unlicensed and I don’t give a f*ck.


I’m unlicensed and I don’t give a f*ck.


I’m unlicensed and I don’t give a f*ck!

Now let’s go do what we do and f*ck some shit up.

Let’s go f*ck some shit up.

Hands in the air!

I wasn’t touching it.

We’re telling you the truth.

Sonia told Kincaid that Aristotle is drilling into the data junction at Viareggio.

He’s gonna upload the virus in an hour.

Aristotle is too influential. We’ll never get a warrant in time.

Let us take him down.

Come on.

We just got reports of drilling into the location in the center of Viareggio.

What assets do we have on the ground in that region?

The closest agent is Bobby O’Neill.

Perhaps this time we do things the Boston way.

Fine. Alert all local forces and send them to that drill.

We’ve also located his mega yacht fleeing French national waters.

Don’t be the government agent in the documentary who has all the info on the bad guy then lets them go anyway. Don’t be that guy.


I think that’s implied.

What do you need to stop Aristotle?

We need boats.

And we need guns.

That’s my bodybodyguard!

And we need them.


What are your names?



Gary. Johan…

Are you ready to get your f*ck on?


That came out wrong. Not together. With us.

That also came out wrong.

You’re gonna get your f*ck on in an action context.

We have visual of a hitman and a bodyguard leaving port in a speed boat.

Deploy level 1 security.

Go! Go!

Hey, Gary, I think we’re outnumbered.

No f*cking shit, Johan!

God, I hope Gary and Johan are OK.

How the f*ck can they even think that’s us, those motherf*ckers didn’t hit nobody?

Well, it’s called “the decoy”.

Darius, Body-guarding 101.

My dad’s got 3 levels of security. That was the first.


Oh, boring is always best.

Get the f*ck outta here.

I will turn this boat around.


We’re 30 seconds out from Viareggio.

Copy that.

If we don’t stop the drill they’ll upload the virus and wipe out Europe.

Get down! Get down! On the ground!

Get down! Get down! Everybody down! Everybody down!

Shut up! Shut up!

Stop. He says they’re building pipes.


What kind of pipes? What kind of pipes?

Wait, this isn’t a data junction.


This is the high pressure sewage line.

You’re telling me that we’ve sent all of our resources to the wrong location?

The site manager here is telling me that the type of drill that was stolen from the dock is a deep sea drill.

They’re not drilling on land, they’re drilling in the ocean.

It ain’t Viareggio the town. It’s Viareggio the ocean trench.

And guess what’s down there.

Europe’s central data junction.

What? What does that mean?

Means the fate of Europe is in the hands of a hitman, and a bodyguard.


Deploying the drill now, sir.

Drill head descending.

One hundred meters.

First, you are going to watch Europe burn.

And then, I am going to dump you at sea.

But this time, without the necklace.

There is no one here. The boat is empty.


Works every time.

Didn’t you say there was several layers of security?

Level two is gonna be much more…

Attention, we have you completely surrounded.

Not very practical.

Can we just skip a couple of levels, get to the hard shit?


Sir, we have visual of the data junction.

You take the upper, I’ll take the lower.

That’s funny. Your father told me you weren’t using guns.

Sabbatical’s over.

Now, give me back my gun.

What witchcraft is that?


Alright. You ready for the show?

Huh? Huh?


That’s OK. They can be terribly slippery.

Sir, we’ve made contact with the data junction.

Initiating drill sequence.

Take that.

Slice or cut?

Face splash.

Oh, shit!

Magnum 44 has six rounds.

You have only one left.


I can see around corners.

Through walls and sofas.

Even your heat signature looks old.

Kiss… my…



You’re lucky.

Cause I love this song.

Data junction is compromised.

Commence upload of virus.

Virus upload initiated. Estimated time: six minutes.


Sir, it appears that level 1 were chasing a decoy.

Magnussen and Zento will take care of it.

Kill her.

Come on! Hitman!

Virus upload, time remaining five minutes.

Say hello to my little philos.

As his bodyguard I strongly advise you put the gun down.

As his bodyguard I strongly advise you to put the gun down.

I can’t do that.

One phone call, and the review board renews your license.

It’s what you’ve always wanted, son.

He’s my friend.

He’s my best friend.

We’re BFF. It’s best friends forever.

Virus upload, time remaining: 4 minutes.


Are you wearing Kevlar?

Of course I’m wearing Kevlar.

I’m a ninety year old man, Bryce.

What were all the stories about then?


That was just to boost book sales.

Time to die, you old cow.

[Speaks Spanish] Puta de mierda.

Father’s got you right where he want.

You’re so spry.

Virus upload, time remaining: three minutes.

Forget your training, junior?

Did you forget who trained me?


I guess we’re at a stalemate.

I guess not.

Hello, darling.

Did you finish the con woman?

Her last words… were that she had something in common with her husband.

We are both f*cking unkillable.

Virus upload, two minutes.

Triple A always has three, any last words?

Pen knife is a very versatile tool.

No one sees it coming.



That’s right, papa dick-less.

You gotta earn the right to call us motherf*ckers.



Virus upload, time remaining: 50 seconds.

Not bad.

But you failed.

Virus upload, time remaining: 40 seconds.

There’s gotta be a way to shut this down.

The ship is rigged to explode if you stop the virus.

Save yourself, or save Europe. Which is it gonna be, Bryce?

Peach gelato 30 seconds.

…or lavender fig?


I love you.


The hitman, the bodyguard, and the con-woman.

You assholes look like shit.

Don’t talk to us like that, you cheesy f*ck.

We’re not your bitches anymore.


I got you a little yacht for your honeymoon.


But, you’re still wanted.

So, until Interpol clears up the legals, I need all 3 of you on that yacht for the next 48 hours. Are we clear?

No. Bob, quick sidebar.

No f*cking side or I’ll punch in your face.


F*ck it.


Are you serious about that?


These are sicker f*cks than I thought.

Hey, you.

Sign there.

Wait, what is this? This is…

Oi, hold on a second, you… You guys got my license back?

Come on.

I’ll let her explain.

Enjoy your honeymoon, shit heads.


Thank you.

What’s she doing?

[Speaks Spanish]

My baby cucaracha.

You just signed the adoption papers.

The what?

The adoption papers.

You are now our son.

Wait, what the f*ck!

What the f*ck!

Hello, you’ve reached Michael Bryce.

Please leave a message and have a triple A day.

Really? That’s your voice mail?

Turns out it’s gonna take more time to get your asses unrednoticed.

So, I need you on that yacht for at least another month.

You know what, maybe two.

Anyway, enjoy your sabbatical.

And say ‘Hi’ to your mom and dad.

But, don’t call me! Ever!

Like never, ever!

Oh, Darius.

Oh, baby!

Darius, we finally get to make love just for the sake of f*cking.

We don’t have to worry about having a baby.

We have our little Bryce.

What are you doing?

Oh my God!

Sonia, what are you doing?

What’s that… over your hip, moving?

Oh, mi cucaracha.


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