Happiest Season (2020) – Transcript

A holiday romantic comedy that captures the range of emotions tied to wanting your family's acceptance, being true to yourself, and trying not to ruin Christmas.
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Happiest Season (2020)

Meeting your girlfriend’s family for the first time can be tough. Planning to propose at her family’s annual Christmas dinner – until you realize that they don’t even know she’s gay – is even harder. When Abby (Kristen Stewart) learns that Harper (Mackenzie Davis) has kept their relationship a secret from her family, she begins to question the girlfriend she thought she knew.

Plot

Abby Holland (Kristen Stewart) and Harper Caldwell (Mackenzie Davis) are a lesbian couple living in Pittsburgh and have been dating nearly a year. Abby shares her dislike for Christmas since her parents passed away, so Harper spontaneously invites Abby to celebrate the holidays with her family in her hometown. Abby sees this as the perfect opportunity to introduce herself to Harper’s parents and propose to her on Chrismas morning. However, on their way to the Caldwell’s house, Harper reveals she lied to Abby about coming out to her parents last summer and they still don’t know about her sexuality. Harper’s father is running for mayor and Harper believes her sexuality might risk a scandal in her small, conservative hometown, so she states that she can’t come out to her family until after Christmas. She asks Abby to pretend to be her straight roommate for the holiday, to which Abby reluctantly agrees.

At the Caldwell’s house, Abby meets Harper’s mayoral candidate father, Ted (Victor Garber), her perfectionist mother, Tipper (Mary Steenburgen) and her wacky and nerdy sister, Jane (Mary Holland). The family welcomes Abby as Harper’s “orphan” friend who has nowhere else to go on Christmas. Abby soon becomes uncomfortable, especially when she meets Harper’s ex-boyfriend Connor (Jake McDorman), and Riley Bennett (Aubrey Plaza), the first girl Harper ever dated. During the visit, she begins questioning how much she really knows about her girlfriend when she sees Ted and Tipper’s high expectations and Harper’s competitive relationship with her older sister, Sloane (Alison Brie).

Ted is trying to impress a possible donor from the city council to contribute to his campaign, which Abby unwillingly jeopardizes when Sloane’s children put an unpaid necklace into her bag at the mall. Believing she is a shoplifter, Ted and Tipper think it might be better if they keep Abby away from upcoming social events. From this point, Abby feels even more like an outsider. One night when Harper is out with her old high school classmates, including Connor, Abby goes to the local bar where she meets Riley again. Riley tells her that when she and Harper were freshmen in high school, their relationship ended because Harper told her friends that Riley was gay and would not leave her alone, which makes Abby feel that Harper has not changed at all since then.

At the Caldwells’ annual Christmas Eve party, Abby, having tired of her current situation, is relieved when her friend John (Dan Levy) arrives unannounced to pick her up. Harper privately begs Abby to stay and as they are about to kiss, they are caught by Sloane who prepares to expose their relationship to the family. However, it turns out, Sloane has a secret of her own: she and her husband, Eric, are getting a divorce. The sisters get into a public fight, ruining the party. Sloane reveals in front of the guests that Harper is a lesbian which Harper denies immediately. Heartbroken by this, Abby leaves the house. John goes after Abby and tells her that coming out can be terrifying for gay people, but has nothing to do with Harper’s love for her.

After realizing that her fear of rejection caused her to hurt Riley and will cause her to lose Abby, Harper finally tells the truth to her parents, confirming that she is a lesbian. This inspires Sloane to reveal her own secret and even Jane tells her parents how neglected she felt throughout the years. Abby is still unsure about the future of their relationship and wants to go home. Harper goes after her, confessing that she truly loves her and wants to build a life with her. Touched by her words, Abby forgives her and they share a kiss.

Ted apologizes to his daughters for making them feel they always had to be perfect, and tells them he is proud of them, no matter what they choose. Then he gets a phone call from the donor he’s been trying to impress, who will support him only if Harper stays quiet about her personal life. Ted rejects the offer. The Caldwells then take a family picture, with Abby included this time.

One year later, Abby and Harper are now engaged, Jane has become a bestselling author with her fantasy novel, The Shadowdreamers, and Ted has won the mayoral election. On Christmas Eve, the family goes to the cinema to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. As the movie starts, Abby and Harper smile at each other lovingly.


Transcript

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[“Candy Cane Lane” by Sia playing]

♪ Take a trip down Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ It’s the cutest thing I swear you’ll ever see ♪

♪ It’s the best, so get dressed ♪

♪ I’ll impress you with the colors of the rainbow ♪

♪ Take a trip down Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ It’s so magical, let’s go there in your dreams ♪

♪ It’s the best… ♪

TRUDY: …so surprised when he saw all those presents under the Christmas tree, and she was one of them.

Now, this house was originally owned by Herbert Flackshaw, who started this tradition on Candy Cane Lane.

He even hired his nephew Otis to play Santa Claus for many years, until he was arrested for child endangerment in 1992.

Ooh, you guys got to look at this house.

This house is the site…

HARPER: Are you having fun?

Are you having fun?

[laughing] Yes, I think this is cute.

It is. Yeah.

Oh, God, you hate it.

[laughing] No, I don’t hate it.

Baby, I’m just not a huge Christmas person.

I know, I know, but… [groans] how can you not like the lights and the decorations and the Christmas trees?

Fun fact: did you know that Christmas trees are responsible for an annual average of four deaths, 15 injuries and a loss of $12 million?

[laughing] Okay, I get it.

I think you made your point.

[chuckles]

Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas.

I love that you love it.

I’m just so content taking care of other people’s pets when they’re away for the holiday‐‐

[gasps]

Come with me.

Wait, where are we going?

Do you know these people?

What are you doing?

No. Come here.

[grunts] Still not clear on the plan.

Will you shut up and follow me, please?

Come on.

[scoffs]

[Harper sighs]

Well, does this do anything for you?

This is beautiful.

HARPER: I hate that you’re gonna be alone on Christmas.

I’m gonna miss you.

Hey, I’m gonna miss you, too.

We could just stay up here.

I’d do that.

[chuckles]

WOMAN: Hey! I hear you up there.

I’m calling the police.

[gasps]

Um…

[gasping]

[both grunting]

[sliding]

[Abby grunts]

Abby?

ABBY: Harper!

[screams] Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Um…

I don’t know. Uh, what do I do?

Stay there. I’m gonna get you down.

Okay. Yeah.

Shit.

Uh…

[gasps] Oh.

WOMAN: What are you doing out there?

Harper!

WOMAN: Are you peeping?

Don’t you peep at me.

Oh, God! [yells]

[air hissing]

HARPER: Abby?

[groaning]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I’m so great.

Here, here. Yeah, yeah, come on.

We got to go. Come on.

She’s coming. Go. Run.

Oh. Hey.

Yeah, you better run.

Pervert.

[laughing]

Who said you could come downstairs?

Giddyap.

[both laughing]

[whooping]

[laughing continues]

[Harper sighs]

Come with me.

Where?

To my parents’ house for Christmas.

Oh, really?

I’ve got the pets to sit.

Oh, my God, get someone to cover for you.

I want to…

wake up with you on Christmas morning.

And if that doesn’t convince you to love Christmas, I’ll never bring it up again.

Deal.

Yeah.

Mm.

[“Jingle Bells” by Joy Oladokun playing]

[in distance] ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one‐horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O’er the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

[door closes]

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to laugh and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells… ♪

Hi.

Hey.

Sit down.

What’s going on in here?

I just woke up thinking about going home with you and got… very excited about Christmas.

Oh… baby, you don’t‐‐ You don’t have to come with me.

Well, I want to.

HARPER: No.

No, no, no, no, I‐‐ [sighs]

I feel like I really put you on the spot last night, and I understand how you feel about Christmas because you lost your parents, and you just don’t have‐‐

No, no, no, I‐I genuinely want to go.

Uh‐huh.

I get to go meet the people that made my favorite person.

Okay.

But who’s gonna look after all those pets?

John’s gonna cover for me.

I know why you’re worried.

But don’t be.

I’m all in on Christmas.

[inhales deeply]

ABBY: Hmm?

Good.

ABBY: Yeah.

So, for the cat, you can go every other day, but the dog and the fish need to be seen morning and night.

Mm‐hmm. Okay.

Oh, and the apartment on Butler has this weird lock, so if you jiggle it, it will lock, but you have to make sure that you do that.

Yes.

What are you doing on your phone?

I’m sorry, I left a gentleman alone in my apartment, so I’m tracking him to make sure he leaves.

You’re tracking him?

Yeah. I track everybody.

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

And he’s gone. Sorry, what were you saying?

I wrote it all down.

They’re really specific directions, but if you need anything, you can obviously call me.

Abigail, don’t worry.

I’m responsible for the careers of dozens of authors.

I am more than capable of taking care of a few pets for two days.

It’s… it’s five days.

Five days. That’s what I said.

WAITER: Refill?

Hi.

And I sort of think I made the right decision, but at the same time‐‐

What is Ultrasuede?

Ultrasuede is, like, a water‐resistant fabric.

Hello.

What are we doing here?

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, I’m picking up. My name’s Abby Holland.

Oh, yes, of course. Um, just wait right here.

I’ll be right back. Oh, enjoy some champagne.

Oh.

Thank you.

I love champagne.

Here we are.

May I?

Yeah, of course. Thanks.

There it is.

No.

Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship.

Why do you want to ruin that by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions in the history of the human race?

Because I want to marry her.

Okay, you say that, but what you’re actually doing is tricking the woman you claim to love by trapping her in a box of heteronormativity and trying to make her your property.

She is not a rice cooker or a cake plate.

She’s a human being.

No, it’s not about owning her.

It’s about building a life with her.

She is my person, and I really want everyone to know that.

I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.

So, when are you gonna ask her?

I was thinking of doing it on New Year’s, but now that I’m going home with her… I understand this is very old‐fashioned, but I’m probably gonna ask her dad for his blessing and propose on Christmas morning.

I’m sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?

[“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas” by Caveboy playing]

Way to stick it to the patriarchy.

Really well done.

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Don’t you tell a single soul ♪

♪ What I’m gonna say… ♪

ABBY: God, I’m so excited.

I can’t believe I’m finally gonna meet everyone.

I mean, I haven’t had a family Christmas in ten years.

Also, a fact you don’t know about me: I am actually very good with parents.

Okay, there’s something that we should talk about before we get to my parents’ house.

What is it?

Do you remember this summer when I came out to my parents and told them we were together and they took it really well?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that wasn’t entirely accurate.

They didn’t take it well?

No. No, no.

Um…

I didn’t tell them.

I was going to, and then Dad told us that he was running for mayor, and it just didn’t feel like the right time, and then now he’s trying to get the support of this donor, and our whole Christmas is about impressing this person, which is stressing my mom out even more than usual, and I just‐‐ I know that if I tell them now, their reaction is gonna be colored by all this other stress, and I‐I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s fair.

To you or to us.

Then why did you invite me?

Because we were just having such a special night, and… and, fine, I got carried away, but it’s because I love you and‐and I want to give you such a great Christmas.

You’re off to a really great start.

I’m so sorry.

So, who do they think I am?

My roommate.

They don’t think it’s weird that you’re bringing your roommate home for Christmas?

No, because I told them that you had nowhere else to go because your parents are no longer with us.

I’m not going.

Look, this is actually a really good opportunity for them to see how amazing and kind and smart you are.

You said it yourself, you’re great with parents, so they’re gonna meet you, they’re gonna fall in love with you, and then that’ll make it so much easier when I do tell them.

Look…

I get it, okay?

I am asking a lot of you.

But I promise I will tell them everything after the holidays.

Okay, we can do this.

It’s five days.

How bad can it be?

[“Jingle Bells” instrumental playing]

ABBY: Should I have some sort of cover story or something?

HARPER: Oh, no, no.

Just be you.

Okay.

I mean, but don’t, you know, say that we’re together, obviously, and, um… you know, maybe don’t mention that you’re, um…

Gay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think, actually, it might be better just to avoid it.

But don’t lie.

You’re a very bad liar.

No, I’m not.

Hi!

Hi.

Wait.

Mom, what are you doing? [camera clicking]

I started an Instagram feed for your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain.

Your mother’s going viral!

[all chuckle]

TIPPER: Hi!

BOTH: Aw.

Look at you.

You get more and more beautiful every single time I see you.

[laughing] Mom, stop.

Did you bring concealer?

Yeah. This is Abby.

Hi, Abby.

[chuckles]

TIPPER: It is so nice to meet you.

It’s so nice to meet you, too.

Thank you for having me here.

It is nothing.

Harper’s father and I are always happy to open our doors to those in need.

Where is Dad?

Uh, he’s on a call.

Oh, okay. Well‐‐

Harper!

[gasping, yelling]

Oh, Jane.

[Jane laughing]

HARPER: Oh, I have asked you not to do that.

I know. I didn’t listen.

JANE: Oh. Yay!

HARPER: Oh.

I didn’t think you’d be here, but here you are.

Oh, I didn’t want to wait one more second to see my little sis.

Oh, what’s this?

Oh, I was changing the air filters.

It’s sticky.

Thank you, Jane.

Yeah, hi. You must be Abby.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

JANE: You, too.

Um…

I’m so sorry about your parents.

HARPER: Oh, no.

Uh, it‐it ha‐‐ It happened a long time ago.

You’re so brave.

ABBY: Oh. JANE: You don’t need to be.

Jane.

Mom, can you just‐‐

TIPPER: Okay. That’s enough, Jane.

Jane, too much. Too much.

JANE: You’re always safe with‐‐

So, this is our living room.

Wow, that’s a beautiful piano.

Isn’t it?

Of course, I wish my daughters had bothered to learn to play it, but it does look nice.

I took lessons for eight years.

TIPPER: And this is the den.

You’re sure Harry will be there tomorrow night, right?

Perfect.

Oh, uh, Carolyn, I’ll call you later.

My daughter just arrived.

There she is, my perfect girl.

Hi, Dad. [laughs]

Oh, look at you.

BOTH: Oh! [camera clicks]

Hi, Dad.

Jane, glad you’re here.

The Internet has been a little spotty.

Ugh, not again.

Oh, and this is Harper’s orphan friend.

HARPER: Oh.

This is Abby.

Yes, of course.

ABBY: Hey, sir.

[sighs] Terrible.

There, there.

Harper, I read your piece about that senator.

He’s got to resign, right?

HARPER: Yeah, I think it’s just a matter of time.

That was a good piece.

Aw.

Thanks, Dad.

You know what was really good?

Um, the speech that you made at the food bank on Thanksgiving.

Oh, thank you. You‐you know, that speech wasn’t scripted.

I ju‐‐ It just came to me.

You could tell. I mean, you were very‐‐

Okay, enough shoptalk. Let’s continue.

Okay. Bye.

TED: See you later.

And this is Sloane’s room.

She’s my eldest.

That’s a lot of trophies.

Yes.

She was brilliant.

She and her husband Eric‐‐ he graduated top of his class at Yale‐‐ were very successful attorneys, but they gave it all up to raise their beautiful twins, and now they make gift baskets.

Which is great.

HARPER: Mm‐hmm.

What’d I miss? [panting]

Wow.

[sighs] I know, right?

Ugh, is it hot in here, or is it just him?

HARPER: Okay.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

HARPER: Okay.

No. Jane. No.

Num, num.

HARPER: Mom, I thought you were gonna turn this room into your office.

Men need offices, dear.

Oh, that is Harper’s old high school boyfriend Connor!

[laughs]

HARPER: I asked you to put this away.

TIPPER: You know, he’s still single.

HARPER: Okay, Mom, stop, please.

TIPPER: Mm.

Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?

No.

But I have.

‘Cause… I have had many.

Um, but‐but not too many; an‐an appropriate amount.

I actually just went through a breakup.

Oh, no.

TIPPER: Abby.

[sighs] Yeah, with, um…

He was a‐‐ He was a milk… man.

Okay, and I think we’ll just settle in now.

Okay. Well, we’ll just show Abby to her room.

What, is she not gonna stay up here with me?

Harper, I would never ask two grown women to share the same bed.

[laughing]

Harper.

No, A‐Abby will stay in Jane’s old room.

Oh, oh, I could show it to her.

Okay.

I could take her down. Yeah, let’s go.

Settle down.

JANE: I’m settled!

Okay. [door closes]

Oh.

Your room’s in the basement.

Oh, yeah. I had night terrors.

They put me down here so I wouldn’t wake everyone up. [chuckles]

Behold. [chuckles]

Cool, huh?

It’s very cool.

It’s my room.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

No, not you. No.

Oh.

Yeah.

TIPPER: Thank you, Jane.

Why don’t you go on home and rest up a little bit before dinner?

Okay.

[chuckles]

Don’t have any fun without me. [laughs]

Yeah.

JANE: Bye.

I’m sorry about all this mess.

What? No, this is so nice.

Better than your room at the orphanage?

Oh, I‐I wasn’t in an orphanage, ’cause I‐I was 19 when my parents died.

Oh. One of the lucky ones.

Well…

TIPPER: I’ll let you settle in.

We leave for dinner at 6:45.

Okay.

Oh, there’s no lock on this door.

We had it removed because Jane was always scared that we would lock her in.

But don’t worry, you’ll have total privacy.

Okay. [chuckles] Thank you.

Okay.

[“Nothing Rhymes with Christmas” by Ana Gasteyer playing]

♪ Nothing rhymes with Christmas ♪

♪ Every poet knows… ♪

JANE: Milady.

ABBY: Thank you.

COLLEEN: Is this all right?

This is perfect, Colleen. Thank you.

Oh, actually, I think we’re gonna need one more chair.

COLLEEN: I’ll have one brought over.

Oh, who else is joining us?

Hey, guys. How’s it going?

[chuckling] Connor! How funny to see you here.

You told me to be here at 7:00, right?

TIPPER: Shh. Oh, wow.

JANE: Hey.

CONNOR: How you doing?

TED: Great to see you, Connor.

Hey, Ted. How you doing?

Great.

Hi, Connor.

CONNOR: Hi, Jane.

Hi. It’s been a minute.

Hi.

How are you?

Yeah. Hey.

Connor, this is Harper’s friend Abby.

CONNOR: Oh, hey. Connor.

Hey.

She’s an orphan.

Oh, um, I’m so sorry.

Jane.

CONNOR: I‐‐

What?

What are you doing?

She is.

No, it’s‐it’s‐‐

It’s all we have.

TIPPER: All right.

Thank you. Let’s all take a seat.

[Harper sighing]

Do you want to switch?

No.

No, this is perfect.

Okay.

JANE: And then in the third chapter, the Shadow Dreamers discover that the gemstone that they thought was inside the gork was actually stolen by an evil floam, which is sort of like a maggel but with less arms and more powers.

Oh, wow.

That’s amazing. It really is.

Jane, I just can’t believe you’re still working on that book.

It’s been like ten years.

Takes a long time to build a world.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?

I was thinking about that trip that we took to our old house in Jackson Hole when Harper got chicken pox.

CONNOR: Oh, yeah.

[laughing] Oh, God.

Harper told me this story.

Then you must know that she very quickly gave it to Connor.

Yes, she did.

[laughter]

CONNOR: Very quickly.

TED: The two of them didn’t leave the cabin for the whole trip, if I remember correctly.

CONNOR: No.

Oh, my goodness.

Literally in a cabin running a fever.

TED: Yeah.

Together.

Together. Yep, yep.

TIPPER: Really laughing a lot.

CONNOR: It was ground zero for chicken pox.

Yeah. God, that was fun. You know, I really, really loved going on those trips.

Fun.

Well, we loved having you, son.

TIPPER: That was lovely.

Should we go to the ladies’ room?

Oh, I‐I would hate to miss some of these stories.

No, we’ll be quick.

[chuckles]

I am so sorry.

I had no idea he was gonna be here.

I swear.

It’s funny, I remember you telling me that story.

I think you just forgot to mention that Connor was also there.

[sighs] I know.

I‐I don’t know, he didn’t seem like an important part of the story.

Look, I’m gonna talk to my mom, and I’m gonna make sure that nothing like this happens for the rest of the trip, okay?

You can be totally honest with me.

Like, about anything.

Seriously, I can take it.

Okay.

Then you should know that it is very difficult to sit next to you at dinner and not be able to kiss you.

Yeah.

No more surprises.

I promise.

Riley.

RILEY: Mm.

Harper.

Mm. Uh…

Sorry, um…

Riley, this is Abby.

Abby is my‐‐

Orphan.

Roommate. We‐‐

I am an orphan, but we live together.

As friends, um, like acquaintances.

Oh, please stop.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

So, I’m just gonna sneak on by you guys.

Oh, God. Sorry.

Sorry. Just…

Was that the Riley?

Okay, that one really wasn’t my fault.

Well, who knows, maybe… maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Harper, did you see that the Bennetts are here?

HARPER: Uh…

Yeah. We just ran into Riley.

Did you hear she’s doing her residency at Johns Hopkins?

I should have her look at my mole.

No, um, I hadn’t heard that.

It’s very impressive.

Her parents must be proud.

And relieved.

I know. That lifestyle choice.

[Tipper chuckles]

TED: Mm. Such a shame.

Abby, what do you do?

Oh, I’m‐I’m working on my PhD in art history over at Carnegie Mellon.

My parents were professors there, so I kind of wanted to follow in their footsteps.

You know, before law school, I took all the money I had and went to Paris for a month.

Spent every day in museums.

That experience made me the man I am.

That‐that must have been incredible.

What a dream.

It was.

Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?

Bet you could teach me a thing or two.

[chuckles]

JANE: Should I go over there?

TED: No, darling, no.

JANE: I do think it’s getting bigger.

TIPPER: No.

TED: Stay at the table, Jane.

[knocking]

Oh. You settling in okay?

ABBY: Hey.

Yeah. Yeah.

You’re such a wonderful host, so I’m great.

Thank you, Abby.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi, sweetie.

Do you need something?

No, just to say good night to Abby.

Oh.

Mom, do you mind?

Oh. [laughs]

I get it. Girl talk.

Okay, when you finish, um, I want to give you a little early Christmas present.

Ooh, okay.

Night.

TIPPER: Night, Abby.

[sighs]

Tonight wasn’t the best.

Yeah.

But we got through it.

You know, you’re right.

You are really good with parents.

You think they like me?

Definitely.

You think they like me as much as they love Connor?

Oh, no. No, no.

But they don’t even really like me that much, so…

[laughing] Oh.

[Harper mutters]

I love you.

I love you.

[chuckling] Stop it.

[laughs]

JOHN: The hell did it go?

Cheap freaking puzzle.

[cell phone vibrating]

Yeah, Abby, I’m in the middle of something right now.

Is everything okay?

ABBY: Yeah.

I’m just checking on the animals.

JOHN: Oh, they’re all good.

I walked the dog.

Fed him, fed the cats.

All are well.

ABBY: What about the fish?

Uh, the fish are‐‐ Yeah.

The‐the‐the fish are‐are‐‐ Yes. Yeah.

But enough about me.

Have you managed

to get a man’s permission to take ownership of an adult human woman yet?

Not exactly.

What’s going on? You sound tense.

ABBY: No, I’m not tense. I’m great.

There’s just one tiny thing.

Um…

Harper isn’t out, and her parents don’t know we’re together.

Okay, you know what, I always felt like something was off.

You can’t go over a year without meeting your significant other’s parents.

Trust me, I have tried.

I know, but it’s not that big of a deal, ’cause she does plan on telling them immediately after the holidays.

So, what, her parents are believing that their straight daughter brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?

No. [scoffs]

No. They also think that I’m…

that I’m straight.

Have they ever met a lesbian?

It’s not so bad.

It’s kind of fun having a secret.

Yeah, I mean, there’s nothing more erotic than concealing your authentic selves.

I know it’s not ideal. I‐‐

But I‐I know that it’s what she needs right now, so…

[gasps]

Who are you?

I’m Abby.

Do you work here?

No, I’m H‐Harper’s friend.

SLOANE: Kids?

Where are you?

Hey.

What are you doing in here? Out.

MATILDA: But that’s our room.

Sorry about them. I’m Sloane.

MATILDA: Why does she get to sleep in there?

Hi. I’m…

SLOANE: Because she’s a grown‐up, sweetie.

…Abby.

SLOANE: [in distance] Come. We’re having breakfast.

[yawns]

Are you tired?

Not me. I like the morning.

But then I have something meaningful to get out of bed for, so…

KIDS: Thank you, Mommy.

Snowman pancakes.

God, that’s a lot of work for something that’s just gonna turn to shit.

Oh, but that’s kind of like your law degree.

It must be freeing to be so self‐involved

you don’t realize that’s actually not appropriate language to use in front of children.

ERIC: We got everything out of the van.

Thank you, honey.

Mm‐hmm.

Oh, this is‐‐

Abby. I’m Eric.

Nice to meet you.

ERIC: Mm‐hmm.

A teaspoon of coconut oil‐‐ add some nice moisture to those hands.

Oh.

Yeah, thank you.

So, you and your sister are pretty intense.

What do you mean?

Freeze!

ERIC: Ooh.

Don’t move one more muscle before I hug you!

Hi, Jane.

JANE: Oh. Oh, hi.

Oh. Yay.

[Jane laughs]

[Sloane clears throat]

JANE: Hi, Eric. Hi.

ERIC: Hi, Jane.

Hi, you guys. Hi.

Um… [chuckles]

Gosh, you’re so big.

What are you, college students?

We’re in elementary school.

Yeah. No, I‐I know. I’m just‐‐

You’re just so tall, you know?

Here they are.

My babies.

Aw…

Hi, Daddy.

Did you get Harper’s article I sent you?

SLOANE: I did.

TED: Good, right?

Mm. Mm‐hmm. Mm.

Uh‐huh.

ERIC: Ted.

Eric.

Good to see you.

SLOANE: Hi, Mom.

TIPPER: [chuckling] Hi.

Morning.

Morning, Abby.

Hey, girls, come here.

TIPPER: I’m good.

ERIC: Hi.

Just‐just‐just come over here.

TIPPER: Just move a bit.

TED: I cannot believe I’ve got all my daughters under one roof.

Mm, mm.

This is great content.

Oh.

Hold it. Hold it.

And smile.

TED: Hold on.

JANE: Daddy.

Uh‐huh. Uh‐huh.

Got it.

Okay. I got to shower.

Hey, big night tonight, girls.

That’s too much.

We’re meeting a major donor at the party.

Harper, I need you to bring your A game.

Got it.

Dad, do you need me to do anything?

Honey, no.

You just bring that beautiful family and show them off.

Who knows?

These might be the only grandchildren we ever have.

TIPPER: And it is crucial that we take the family holiday photo for the Instagram tonight, so don’t wear anything that will strobe, Jane.

[Jane chuckles softly]

[sighs]

Okay.

Who’s ready to go ice‐skating?

Are you ready? [chuckles]

No.

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

Let me know if you guys need any more room.

I can make myself real small.

So, Sloane and Eric, you guys make gift baskets, right?

No.

We create curated gift experiences inside of handmade reclaimed wood vessels.

Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous.

She has impeccable taste.

Oh, no, honey, you have the eye.

Aw.

Mm.

That sounds great.

SLOANE: Yeah, Gwynnie seems to think so.

Paltrow. Goop picked us up, and sales have been through the roof ever since.

[Harper sighs]

[lively chatter]

HARPER: Hey.

Hey.

Are you sure you’re okay?

Yeah.

No, this is so fun.

Whoa.

Sloane, do you need a helper?

Please. I’ve always skated circles around you.

[chuckles] That was in your youth.

I mean, I’ve lapped you like 12 times today.

Like I’m even trying.

Like it would even matter.

20 bucks says I can do two laps in under a minute.

50 bucks says I can do three.

Let’s do it. Jane, time us.

Oh, I’m actually having fun just‐‐

BOTH: Jane.

Okay, fun. Yeah.

No problem.

♪ tense music ♪

JANE: Ready?

Set.

Go.

[both grunt]

[chuckles]

Move!

No!

I love it when they do this.

ERIC: What are they doing?

They’re racing.

Ah, yeah.

Jane, time!

Oh, I forgot to press start.

How long do you guys think‐‐

Don’t‐don’t tell them that.

You need to take a break yet, Sloane?

Huh, maybe you should just

worry about yourself.

Oh, yeah?

[yelps]

[man grunts]

Oh!

Ooh.

[chuckles]

[yelps, screams]

[man grunts]

Mm.

Ow.

ABBY: Should we stop them?

ERIC: No, they’ll tire themselves out eventually.

[laughing] Yeah. That’s right.

That’s the way it goes.

HARPER: Whoo!

Get off me!

I love you guys. I love you.

HARPER: No! You’re such a cheater!

Stop it! [shouts]

You stop it!

…a little restless.

They’re gonna need to turn around.

Look, some of us were here when you said to be here.

Jane, is that‐‐ That’s what you’re wearing, right?

Yeah.

TIPPER: All right. Harper!

Eric, can you make them be still?

Wow.

It’s my early Christmas present.

TIPPER: Harper, please come here.

Honey, we’re very late.

Ted, the family holiday photo is an essential element of every candidate’s feed, and if we cannot manage to post one, we do not deserve to have that account at all.

TED: All right. Up, up, up, kids.

That is so true.

TIPPER: Jane, get out of the middle.

Come on, Matilda.

Oh.

SLOANE: You have to stand, honey.

TIPPER: Abby, would you mind taking that?

Yeah, not at all.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Around and face this way.

Thank you.

Okay.

Everyone say, “Christmas.”

No, don’t say that.

Just smile.

[camera clicking]

Okay.

[Tipper chuckling]

Ah, good. I can’t wait.

Blurry. Boring.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Okay, none of these will do.

Uh, we will try again tomorrow.

Thank you.

HARPER: Where’s Abby?

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

[quiet chatter]

Ted, Tipper. [laughs, squeals]

Oh, I’m so glad you made it.

Oh, mwah. Oh.

Carolyn, you are a vision.

TIPPER: Gorgeous dress.

TED: Mwah.

Uh, you remember my daughters Harper, Jane and Sloane.

Sloane’s husband Eric.

Their children Matilda and Magnus.

And this is Harper’s friend Abby.

CAROLYN: Charmed. This is my assistant Levi.

Though, truth be told, in a few years, we’ll probably all be working for him.

[laughs] Oh, you’re too kind.

Oh.

Is the white whale here?

Ah, indeed. Let me take you over.

Oh, Harper, come with us.

Uh, Jane, uh, uh, keep Abby company.

You got it.

Dad, should I come, too?

I’ll come right back.

Okay.

TED: N‐No, honey.

Just, uh, enjoy yourself.

Great.

CAROLYN: Now, Harry’s tough.

Don’t let her throw you.

I’m gonna take the twins to the kids’ club.

Please order me several drinks.

Yeah.

Come on, you guys.

Let’s go play.

JANE: Okay. Well…

looks like it’s just us ladies.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I am single and ready to mingle, so…

CAROLYN: Harry.

This is‐‐

Ted Caldwell.

Ms. Levin, it is an honor.

[Harry chuckles]

I am gonna leave you two to get acquainted.

Okay. Thank you.

This is my husband Scott.

We met on Bumble. [chuckles]

TED: Pleasure.

And, uh, this is my wife Tipper.

My daughter Harper, who writes for the‐‐

Pittsburgh Post‐Gazette.

HARPER: Yes.

Yes, I’m familiar.

You’ve read her work?

Yes.

♪ lively jazz music ♪

Hey, could I get a vodka neat?

Thanks.

You’re new.

Yeah, I’m just visiting.

From where?

I’m really not interested in meeting anyone tonight, so‐‐

I am.

CAROLYN: Oh, I’ll have to check out Goop.

Was that‐‐ When was that one, again?

[quiet, indistinct chatter]

Are you enjoying the party?

Yeah.

SLOANE: That’s great.

If my friend ditched me at a party where I didn’t know anyone, I probably wouldn’t have a good time.

Oh, no, sh‐she didn’t ditch me.

No, she’s just helping your dad.

Yeah, she’s very helpful.

So, how long have you and Harper been roommates?

I moved in like six months ago.

You moved in to her place?

Mm‐hmm.

Isn’t it a one‐bedroom?

Technically, yes.

Yeah, well, it was a one‐bedroom, and‐and now that we have converted the pantry i‐into my bedroom, it’s a two‐bedroom.

Um, it’s really spacious in there, and it’s‐‐

I don’t want to have this conversation anymore.

No problem.

Being mayor is no small task.

However, it’s a task I am not only up for but eager to take on.

HARRY: I’m gonna stop you right there.

I have a perfect record.

And do you know why?

Because I do my homework.

Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.

Dave Grady? Didn’t his son‐‐

Get arrested for exotic animal smuggling?

Yes.

I’m telling you this because I’m not just looking at you.

This is a family affair.

Well, I can assure you, this family has nothing to hide.

♪ upbeat jazz music ♪

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Can I have a sip of your drink?

Yeah, of course.

Thank you.

Mm.

You okay?

Mm‐hmm.

I just needed a bit of a breather.

Thank you.

KELLY: Harper?

HARPER: Mm!

[squealing]

ASHLEY: Hi!

[laughing] Hi.

You look incredible.

As always.

Oh, my God.

[exhales sharply] You, too. God, guys.

Oh, um, this is my roommate Abby.

And this is Kelly and Ashley.

KELLY: Oh, lovely to meet you.

Yes.

Nice to meet you, too.

CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

Wow.

God, sorry, just seeing the three of you standing next to each other takes me right back to high school.

Minus the bad cafeteria food.

[laughing loudly]

You’re so funny.

Uh, Harper, can I talk to you for a second?

HARPER: Um, yeah.

I’ll just be a sec.

Am I crazy, or did you have absolutely no idea I was coming to dinner last night?

It was a surprise.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought so.

Um, sorry about that.

It’s not you.

But, actually, I’d love to do… that again.

Like, hang out again, if you got time.

That sounds so nice, and, um…

and I just don’t know, uh, ’cause it’s so busy and‐‐

Yeah. Totally got it.

HARPER: Mm‐hmm.

No pressure.

HARPER: Yeah.

But that being said, if you, you know, and‐and your roommate want to get out and hang out, that’d be great.

Abby. Yeah.

CONNOR: Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.

Hey, if she doesn’t sleep with him, then I will.

[giggling]

I’m just kidding. I would never.

He’s definitely still into her.

I know.

[cell phone vibrating]

[sighs] I should…

take this.

Hello?

JOHN: Did you know that you’re standing in a country club that didn’t let women have their own memberships until the early 2000s?

How do you know that?

Um, I might be tracking you, but it’s for your own safety, clearly.

What‐what do you want?

I want you to break out of that closet. [camera clicks]

I am not in the closet.

I told you, Harper’s gonna tell her parents everything right after the holidays.

You deserve to be with someone who shouts their love for you from the rooftops.

That’s very sweet. [toilet flushes over phone]

So stop being a doormat, you fool.

Did you need something, or did you just call to shame me?

I’m not shaming you.

I just think the choice you’re making is dumb and you should feel bad about it and yourself.

Also, I am loving these fish.

If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself, where‐where do you think I would do that?

What?

JOHN: You know what, I think I should google it.

I’m gonna google it. Thanks.

Hey.

Oh, hey. Hey.

How’s it going?

Great.

I was just taking a break from diagnosing everyone’s mystery illnesses.

[Abby chuckles]

Hey, I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop or anything.

I was out there before you came out.

You didn’t see me, but, um…

I can relate.

Like, to what?

Nothing.

[clears throat]

Nothing. [inhales deeply]

[sighs] Okay. I’m gonna go back inside.

I’m sure my mother’s hairdresser wants to show me her weird finger again.

[chuckles]

So…

I like your jacket. [sighs]

Okay. [shivers]

[applause, cheering]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Will you all please join me in welcoming

my dear, dear friend, Councilman Ted Caldwell.

[cheering]

TED: Thank you so much. Thank you.

Isn’t this the best time of year?

I mean, really.

I know we’re all having a great time tonight, so I will be brief.

I’ve accomplished a lot in my life, and serving you on the city council is right up there with my most rewarding life experiences.

But I’m ready for more.

[cheering]

TED: These are turbulent times, and the way I can ensure depravity doesn’t seep in through the cracks of our community is by making sure there are no cracks.

[cheering]

No cracks!

TED: Look, our foundation is built on family, tradition and faith, and that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

I have loved being your city councilman, and I can’t wait to be your mayor.

Merry Christmas.

[cheering]

[camera clicking rapidly]

♪ holiday music ♪

[cell phone chimes]

[camera clicks]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[chuckles softly]

TED: [on video] …the way I can ensure depravity doesn’t seep in through the cracks of our community is by making sure there are no cracks.

[cheering on video]

[distant door closes]

TED: [on video] Look, our foundation is built on family, tradition and faith, and that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

[TV playing indistinctly]

MAN: [on TV] Um, for the chicken breast, we were looking at a quarter cup of honey, and remember to use local honey…

[footsteps] [TV continues indistinctly]

[sighs]

[footsteps passing]

[phone chimes]

[gasps]

Whoa. [whirring]

Shit. Shit!

Come on. Come on.

Nope. Shut up, shut up. Oh, no.

[clattering]

Oh!

[screams]

Abby, what are you doing in the closet?

I‐‐ Well, I guess I must have been sleepwalking.

Oh, that is very dangerous.

I once took too many Ambien, and I bought a racehorse online.

ABBY: Oh.

TIPPER: Okay.

You need to go back downstairs, Abby.

Okay.

Carefully.

ABBY: Yeah, uh‐‐ Are you all right to do that?

ABBY: Yeah. Oh, gosh, my phone, too.

God, I‐I was in such a daze.

TIPPER: I’ll get all this.

ABBY: Okay.

Go on.

ABBY: Um, I‐I was‐‐

Do you want me to come with you?

ABBY: No, thank you.

I’m sorry about this.

[gasps]

[Harper growls playfully]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

How did you get down here?

When I saw that mess upstairs, I knew my mom would be busy for the next two hours.

What do you want to do for two hours?

I don’t know.

Hmm.

[birds chirping]

HARPER: Mm.

[footsteps in hall]

[knocking]

[both gasp]

TIPPER: Abby?

Shit.

Fuck.

TIPPER: Abby, honey, are you okay?

Uh‐huh. I’m‐I’m‐I’m okay.

[whispers] I can’t believe I fell asleep.

TIPPER: Um, I think there’s something against the door.

ABBY: Um, I’m just moving it right now.

Sorry. It’s heavy.

Morning.

Why did you block the door?

I‐I didn’t want to sleepwalk again.

Well, sorry to barge in.

The twins usually stay down here.

I’m just getting them Jane’s old Game Boy.

Morning, kids.

Morning. TED: Abby.

Uh, honey, I’m headed to the office, but I wanted to let you know I have invited Harry Levin and her husband to our Christmas Eve party.

What?

TED: Well, you heard what she said.

[Tipper sighs]

TED: It’s not just about me.

It’s about our whole family.

And what is a better representation of our family

than your Christmas Eve party?

It is legendary.

TED: Mwah!

[Tipper sighs]

TED: Have a good day.

You know I will.

TIPPER: Can’t even believe that.

That is two more people on the guest list.

I basically have to reimagine the entire party.

[sighs] Man.

Found it.

Okay, come on, you two.

Let’s look at it.

[whispers] That was very, very close.

We shouldn’t have done that.

Harper, we’ve been up since 5:45 a.m….

This is the last batch.

…and the twins already made their own batch of cookies

and decorated them.

No.

SLOANE: We’re making these for the party.

Okay, I’m off.

What? Where are you going?

Uh, Levi has a connection with a local potpourri vendor.

He’s gonna introduce us.

Great. Right.

ERIC: Yeah.

Bye, babe.

TIPPER: It just runs everywhere.

Bye, kids.

That’s right. That’s right.

KIDS: Bye, Daddy.

Jane. Oh, my God.

I’m just gonna do a button. Can I‐‐

No, no.

You can’t decorate these.

But they have buttons.

And can you not? I’m trying to have an even number.

Mommy, when are we gonna see Santa?

Honey, I don’t know if we’re gonna have time to see him this year. Jane, can you not? I just‐‐

Oh, take them to see Santa Claus.

This could be the last year that they see him.

Why? Is Santa dying?

No.

Are we dying?

No. Fine, I will take you.

I still need to get a white elephant gift anyway.

Did you guys get yours?

Yes.

[chuckles] Yeah, I’m making something very special.

Uh, what is white elephant?

TIPPER: Oh, it’s a gift exchange game we do every year at our Christmas Eve party.

Oh.

And I guess you don’t know what it is

because Harper forgot to tell you about it.

I’m sorry.

That’s okay.

I‐I can run out and grab one today.

Great. So, you girls can tag along with Sloane to the mall.

Oh. Actually, I told Dad that I’d go to his office and help him write his speech for Carolyn’s dinner tonight.

Yeah, I wish I could go, but, um, I have to put the finishing touches on my Christmas gifts.

Guess it’s just gonna be you and me. Fun.

TIPPER: Well, just make sure you’re all back here by 4:00.

That’s okay?

We are going to get that Christmas photo tonight

before we leave for dinner.

Yes.

Yes.

♪ holiday music playing over speakers ♪

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Can you watch them for a bit?

I have to run an errand. Um, Santa promised them [hushed] the complete works of Sylvia Plath, so…

Is that all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

Be good, you two.

♪ playful holiday music ♪

Hi, guys. Do you, um, want to come over‐‐

Want to‐‐ Come on.

♪ ♪

[chuckles nervously]

Why was Aunt Harper hiding in your room this morning?

Uh, we were playing a game.

Like hide‐and‐seek?

Yeah, like hide‐and‐seek.

MAGNUS: We love that game.

What do you guys think about this white elephant game?

What gift should I get? Can you help me?

How about this?

That is nice.

I was thinking maybe something everyone might like.

Like, um…

I don’t know, a scarf might be good, actually.

Someone might want to have that.

Seems Christmassy.

Oh.

Hey, come on. Um…

Hey, Carolyn.

Hey, it’s good to see you.

I’m Abby. We met last night.

I’m Harper Caldwell’s friend.

[gasps] Oh! Oh, yes.

[chuckling] Yes, of course.

Mm.

It’s lovely seeing you.

Hey, I’m‐I’m really looking forward to dinner tonight.

Okay.

Okay.

Have‐have a nice day. I’ll see you later.

[alarm blaring]

CRYSTAL: Hey! Ma’am!

ED: Oh, ma’am!

CRYSTAL: Ma’am, we’re gonna stop you right there.

ED: Ma’am, put the bag on the floor.

Okay.

CRYSTAL: Miss, put it down.

ED: Ma’am!

Put the bag on the floor and slide it to me.

You want to explain that?

ABBY: A‐As I’ve said, I did not put that in my bag. There might‐‐

Oh, you didn’t put it in your bag…

Oh.

…but it ended up in your bag, so this is probably just a big misunderstanding.

Maybe it grew legs and then it walked into her bag.

CRYSTAL: [stammers] Did you check it for legs, or‐‐

I haven’t checked it for legs.

You haven’t done that.

I’m not suggesting that it grew legs.

It’s not looking good, sweetie.

Pittsburgh, huh?

Yeah.

What are you doing down this way?

You pulling a job?

Jacking a roost?

What was that?

CRYSTAL: Yeah, hocking crank and breaking bad?

I’m not doing any of those things.

ED: Smash and grab?

I‐I didn’t take this necklace.

CRYSTAL: Wow.

ABBY: I’m sure that you could review some footage.

Aren’t there cameras in malls?

Are you telling me how to do my job?

ABBY: There are cameras everywhere.

CRYSTAL: You’re gonna regret it.

No.

ED: You know what? Fine.

No, I’m not doing any‐‐

Why don’t you go ahead and do my job, hotshot?

Good freaking luck.

ED: You’re in charge now.

CRYSTAL: Yeah.

Can you believe‐‐

No, I’m gonna get her to sing, okay?

ED: Go ahead.

CRYSTAL: I’m gonna make this little birdie go tweet, tweet, tweet, becau‐‐

Go ahead.

Eugene.

[Eugene stammers]

Goddamn it. We’re‐‐

What are you‐‐

I heard there were Cruffins in here.

No.

There aren’t any Cruffins.

EUGENE: There’s not, or there were? Were there?

CRYSTAL: No, we stopped keeping food in here.

ED: No.

HARPER: Dad, Abby would never do this.

SLOANE: Go get ready quick, quick, quick, because we’re late now.

TED: This isn’t a conversation, Harper.

HARPER: Please, Dad, just be‐‐

TIPPER: [hushed] Shh! Quiet.

HARPER: Okay. I’m sorry.

TIPPER: Oh, I know. I know.

HARPER: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I didn’t do it.

Baby, I know.

But Carolyn thinks it would just be better if you weren’t at the dinner.

Look, it’s gonna be so boring anyways.

You’re lucky you don’t have to go.

Come here.

[sighs]

Can we hang out tonight after the dinner?

My friends want to go out, and‐and we can go with them or we can not go with them, but…

I just think we‐we need a break from the family.

Yeah, s‐‐ [knocking]

Harper, we have got to go.

Come on, we’re gonna be late.

Okay. [sighs]

I’ll see you later?

ABBY: Mm‐hmm.

Okay.

I’m sorry.

TIPPER: We weren’t able to get the photo again.

[door closes]

[“Blame It on Christmas” by Shea Diamond playing]

♪ Blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ Why I’m out of control ♪

♪ Oh, give me forgiveness ♪

♪ For what’s about to unfold ♪

♪ ‘Cause I just can’t keep my cool ♪

♪ While I’m tiding all of this yule ♪

♪ Blame it on, blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ Ooh, why I’m acting a fool. ♪

Hey.

We meet again.

ABBY: [chuckles] Yeah.

No Harper?

No, she’s, um, with her family.

I‐I’m gonna meet up with her in a bit.

What’d you get?

Um…

Oh, I can’t tell you, because it’s for the white elephant party.

Ah, you’re going to that, too?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my family goes every year.

It’s, um…

God, it’s the best party of the year.

[laughs]

You know, I’m‐I’m glad I ran into you, ’cause I’m having this thing where if I stick my finger in my eye, it, like, really hurts.

Yeah, I mean, that’s a classic case of, um, contact stupiditis.

Um, because it’s a stupid thing to do.

[laughs] Yep.

Once you get to

the finger‐poking stage, you’re‐you’re pretty much dead.

[sighs]

I’d really like to drink some alcohol.

Do you know where I could do that?

Yes.

♪ What is Christmas? ♪

♪ Christmas is for caring ♪

[scattered laughter]

♪ What is Christmas? ♪

♪ Christmas is for sharing ♪

♪ What is Christmas? ♪

♪ Can’t you guess? ♪

♪ Christmas is for ha… ♪

♪ Penis ♪

RILEY: Yes, you are.

I wish.

Just tell me.

I wish I had a story, like‐‐

Did you steal it?

No.

And I still don’t have a white elephant gift, on top of it all.

You’ve got to get one.

I’m trying.

I will help you with this.

I know a lot of places that aren’t malls.

That would be great.

SINGERS: ♪ And when does Christmas come? ♪

♪ And when does Christmas leave? ♪

[laughter]

SINGERS: ♪ It comes but never goes… ♪

What did you mean last night when you said you could relate?

That was just a comment based on an assumption that I was making about you and Harper.

I think it’s probably an accurate assumption.

You don’t have to talk to me about this stuff.

I know it’s weird, like‐‐

So, what has she told you?

That you dated in high school.

That you were her first girlfriend.

That’s about it.

Is there more?

RILEY: Mm‐hmm.

Yeah, a little.

I mean…

Yeah.

Yeah, growing up, we were totally inseparable.

We were best friends.

And then, freshman year, we became more than friends.

We started dating.

But nobody knew that, obviously.

And we would, like, leave these little love letters in‐in each other’s lockers.

And one day, one of Harper’s friends found one of the letters, and she asked Harper wh‐what it was about, and Harper basically just said that I am gay and that I wouldn’t leave her alone.

And then within a couple days, like, everybody in school found out, and everybody was so awful to me.

I’m sorry, that’s‐‐ I’m sorry.

Yeah, so the thing that I can relate to is just being in love with somebody that is… too afraid to show the world who they are.

But that was a long time ago.

Yeah.

[music ends] [cheering, applause]

Thank you!

All right, that’s enough.

And with this next song, we’re gonna need a little help from you.

We’re gonna ask you a…

Question.

…question.

And you are going to…

Give us the answer.

…answer.

Yeah.

[laughs] It’s simple.

EM K. ULTRA: Here we go.

[applause]

♪ Who’s got a beard that’s long and white? ♪

[patrons singing]

We’re gonna sing. Ready?

Mm‐hmm. Yeah.

♪ Who comes around on a special night? ♪

♪ Santa comes around on a special night ♪

♪ Special night ♪
♪ Special night ♪

♪ Beard that’s white ♪
♪ Beard that’s white ♪

MISS L’TEAU: Everybody!

Whoa.

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

No. No, what? Oh, my God, no.

What?

Oh, we’re gonna get a little more intimate now.

RILEY: Yes!

♪ Who’s got boots and a suit of red? ♪

[laughs]

Oh… [laughs]

Come on, you want to hear her sing, right?

MISS L’TEAU: Yeah. Yeah, we want to hear her sing.

[cheering]

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ Who’s got boots and a suit of red? ♪

I’ll help you.

ABBY and RILEY: ♪ Santa’s got boots and a suit of red ♪

EM K. ULTRA: Yeah, perfect!

MISS L’TEAU: ♪ Who’s got a long cap on his head? ♪

ALL: ♪ Santa’s got a long cap on his head ♪

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ On his head ♪

OTHERS: ♪ On his head ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Suit of red ♪

PATRONS: ♪ Suit of red ♪

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪ [cell phone chimes]

♪ Must be Santa… ♪

Um, I should‐‐ I should close out.

It’s‐‐ Harper texted me.

Oh.

Yes.

PATRONS: ♪ Santa’s got a beard that’s long… ♪

♪ lively dance music ♪

ASHLEY: …of the square.

The guy at the top of the square.

That’s the business model.

It’s brilliant.

Hi.

Oh, Abby’s here. CONNOR: Shots, shots, shots.

You guys ready?

How was‐‐ How was tonight?

Shots!

Oh, shots.

ABBY: It was great. It was good.

All right, I think I’m gonna grab a beer.

ASHLEY: Shots, shots, shots, shots.

No, no, no, no.

CONNOR: No, Abby, Abby, hey.

Cannot be at this place sober.

It’s a‐‐ Ready? Cheers.

ASHLEY and KELLY: Cheers.

Eyes, eyes.

Eyes, eyes.

Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.

CONNOR: One, two, three. Go.

[music ends]

Oh!

Okay, I need some music.

HARPER: Did you have dinner?

ASHLEY: Come, come, come, come, come.

ABBY: Yeah.

Wait. Okay, I’ll come right back.

♪ lively dance music ♪

Are you having the most terrible time?

No.

No, I’m‐I’m just tired.

Okay.

I’m really tired.

I think I’m gonna go.

Oh, no.

Uh…

[sighs] I kind of want to stay a little bit longer.

Is that okay?

[laughter]

Yeah, you should‐‐ Yes, of course.

Yeah. Yeah, I’m just‐‐

Yeah?

Are you sure?

Mm.

Okay.

And you’ll get home okay?

I won’t be out late.

Okay.

Text me when you get home.

CONNOR: Hey.

How about you?

You won’t. You won’t.

She will. You won’t. You won’t.

KELLY: You won’t.

[over speakers] ♪ Hey ♪

♪ What are we doing? ♪

[quiet chatter]

♪ Don’t you remem… ♪

CONNOR: Well, that was fun.

HARPER: Whew. Yeah.

[Connor groans] [Harper sighs]

I’m glad you came out.

Yeah.

It’s been a minute, you know, since we’ve gotten to do this.

Like, since we‐‐

Well, you know.

I’ve missed you.

No, it’s nice to catch up.

Yeah.

[takes deep breath]

Well, I’m that way.

Oh, darn.

Where are you?

I’m that way. [laughs]

Good night.

Good night.

It was great seeing you.

[grunts]

[clears throat]

[Harper chuckles]

[sighs]

Hey, Harper, was there someone else?

What do you mean?

Is that why we broke up?

No.

No, I mean, I‐I told you that the long distance just got too hard and‐‐

The distance. Yeah, I know, I know.

I know.

[sighs]

I don’t know. Just… kind of always felt like there was something…

Kind of felt like there was something you weren’t telling me.

There wasn’t someone else.

ABBY: [whispers] Hey.

What’s wrong?

Just making sure you’re okay.

Why wouldn’t I be?

I don’t know, you weren’t answering me, so I was‐‐

I‐I know, but you‐you knew I was out with my friends.

Yeah, but, I mean, I didn’t know that you were gonna be out till 2:00 in the morning, so I’m just checking on you.

Okay.

[chuckles] I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had a curfew.

What is going on with you?

Nothing. I‐‐

Nothing.

I just don’t know why you’re keeping tabs on me.

Keeping tabs on you?

Yeah.

It just‐‐

[sighs]

What?

It just feels a little… suffocating.

I’m suffocating you?

Or not, but just‐‐

Well, I feel really suffocated in the closet that you shoved me back into.

Shh!

[hushed] You agreed to this.

Yeah, we were practically already here.

Can you sh‐‐

Please be quiet.

I was gonna‐‐ I‐‐

If I knew that part of what I was agreeing to was you hanging out with your ex‐boyfriend all night, maybe I wouldn’t have.

[sighs] God, Abby.

I just‐‐ I feel like we just need some space.

You need some space?

Okay.

Abby.

[footsteps stomping]

Oh.

She is very heavy‐footed.

Honey, I have a list of party errands that Jane has volunteered to run, but I don’t trust her to do them on her own, so I need you to supervise.

Okay.

It’s a long list.

HARPER: [sighs] Okay.

[groans]

ABBY: No, no.

[phone vibrating]

Hey.

JOHN: Okay, so…

I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke.

You are in an unusual situation, and as your friend, I should have created a safe space for you to share without the threat of criticism, so…

I’m sorry.

I am here.

No judgment.

What is going on?

ABBY: Well, let’s see.

I was arrested by mall security yesterday, and now Harper’s entire family thinks I’m a criminal.

And after spending her entire night, like, until 2:00 in the morning, with her ex‐boyfriend Connor, she’s acting like someone I barely even recognize.

And I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me like a thousand dollars to get a ride, and‐‐

This is why I avoid Christmas.

It brings out the worst in everything.

I‐I know this isn’t about me. I just feel crazy, like‐‐

Do I‐‐ It’s‐‐ Do I stick it out for two days?

It’s‐it’s not that long.

But I don’t know. I‐‐

What would you do?

JOHN: Uh…

Uh… uh…

I…

[quietly] Thank you.

I’m gonna‐‐ I’m gonna need to give this a think.

I think.

Hello?

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

Hey, um…

Hey, it’s Abby.

Are you‐‐ Are you doing anything right now?

Who’s really gonna want a mini doughnut factory?

RILEY: Uh, this family.

I saw two of their cousins get in a fistfight over a quesadilla maker at this party once.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, yikes.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

JANE: Thank you so much. It looks so good.

I mean, it‐it looks good.

[“The First Noel” plays softly over speakers]

JANE: This is all for me.

[chuckles] It’s not. It’s not.

I’m just kidding.

It’s for my‐‐

And yes, we’ll have‐‐

Ready to go?

[gasps] [bottles clatter]

[Harper sighs]

It’s probably okay.

[grunts]

[Harper gasps]

[Harper sighs]

♪ playful music ♪

Oh, do not put that there.

What do you think this is, a barn party?

Hey, everyone, please come down!

We are getting this photo as soon as Jane gets here.

Honey, are you sure this is the best time?

People will start arriving any minute.

It’s the only time.

[door opens]

Hi, Abby.

Hi.

Oh, where should I put this white elephant gift?

I don’t know. In the oven?

Jesus, Abby, where do you think it goes?

Under the damn tree.

[sighs] I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

You probably never even had a Christmas tree.

[sighs] We do this party every year, and every year, no matter how early I start planning, I just feel totally unprepared.

[sighs] And I can’t find my Christmas brooch.

Have you seen it?

You can tell me.

I won’t be mad.

I just want to know it’s safe.

I haven’t seen it.

Okay.

Well, if it should magically appear on my dresser, there will be no questions asked.

Okay.

TIPPER: Okay.

[sighs] Um…

Hey, Ted.

I just wanted to mention‐‐

everything that happened yesterday was a complete misunderstanding.

You know, I would never, ever‐‐

You‐you don’t‐‐ You don’t have to explain.

Let’s just avoid any further incidents, yes?

Yeah. Yes.

TED: Okay.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas Eve.

TED: Oh.

[chuckles] Hey, Abby.

ABBY: Hey.

Look at what this little elf brought in.

[squeals]

ABBY: Wow. What is that?

This is my masterpiece.

Whoever picks it is gonna be very pleased.

Oh, Jane, I’m so glad you’re here.

The printer’s jammed again.

Oh, okay. I’m on it.

Hey.

Hey.

What’d you do today?

I just went and got a white elephant gift.

Oh.

In town?

Yeah.

How’d you get there?

Has Jane arrived yet?

Yeah, Jane’s in Ted’s office with him.

TIPPER: Jane, Ted, now!

Nice of you two to join us. Where are the twins?

They don’t feel like having their picture taken tonight.

[Tipper sighs]

TIPPER: Harper, come with me.

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

SLOANE: It’s really a break from traditional gifting and a move into the extraordinary.

The vessels are curated for each individual.

We’d be happy to mindfully assemble‐‐

TED: Uh, S‐Sloane was

on track to make partner at her firm before she left to start a family.

She’s our super mom, Harper is our powerhouse, and, uh, Jane… i‐is the only reason the Internet ever works in this house.

[laughing]

JANE: Aw.

I have a way with routers.

ERIC: Excuse me, all.

Uh, the twins have prepared a little song for you.

HARPER: Oh.

[piano playing “Silent Night”]

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm… ♪

What are you drinking?

Oh, it’s a spiced… alcohol.

Gross. Can I have some?

Yeah.

KIDS: ♪ Mother and child… ♪

‐Mm‐hmm.

So, Plort is the leader of the Shadow Dreamers.

He’s half human, half Quazzle.

Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

He’s got the eyes of a Verg but the heart of a Zengle.

The Verg comes from his mother’s side, generations back.

SLOANE: If you want the spa package vessel, you could do edible bubble bath.

Excuse me, Sloane.

Uh, Harry wants to meet the twins.

I’ll find them.

TED: Okay.

Excuse me.

You know? Thing is, my parents were so attached to me believing in Santa Claus that even after years go by and I stop believing in Santa Claus, and they knew that I stopped believing in Santa Claus, we just kept that charade going.

Their investment in it just made me feel so bad for them, you know?

Mm‐hmm.

Yeah.

Like, so bad for them that…

you know, that I eventually just murdered them.

That sounds fun.

Mm.

Okay.

What is happening?

CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

HARPER: Connor, you made it.

JANE: Hi. Merry Christmas. Hi.

CONNOR: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

Good to see you. Hi.

[Abby sighs]

CONNOR: Merry Christmas.

I don’t know.

Yesterday, I’d never felt closer to another person in my entire life, and now I… I don’t know her.

And I thought she loved me and was happy, but I… I‐I see her here, and she’s so terrified of what everyone thinks, and it’s just making me wonder who the real Harper is.

You know?

Well, maybe they both are.

I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow.

Um, I’m gonna get you a real drink.

Okay?

JOHN: [whispers] Abby.

Abby! [clears throat]

Sorry. What?

ABBY: Um…

How are you here?

When are you gonna get this?

I have been tracking you.

Mm, mm, mm, mm. [clears throat]

Hello.

Hi.

TIPPER: I’m Tipper.

This is my home.

JOHN: Oh.

Are you the ex‐boyfriend?

[clears throat] Y‐Yes. I am John, Abby’s heterosexual ex‐boyfriend, and I have come to get her back.

TIPPER: Mm. I see.

Well, it would’ve been nice to have known you were coming, but since you are here, enjoy.

JOHN: Thank you so much.

Okay, I nailed that, and she is fabulous.

What are you doing?

That phone call earlier was a cry for help.

I’m here to rescue you. Please get your things.

[sighs]

Is that the ex‐boyfriend?

[indistinct conversation]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

I mean, I guess he’s handsome. I‐‐

Can we please go?

Harper.

It’s over.

I’m done.

I’m just gonna…

Everybody, please take your seats.

We’re ready to begin white elephant.

HARPER: Abby. Hey.

Can we just talk for a second?

No. I got to go. I‐I can’t‐‐

I can’t do this for you anymore.

But, uh, merry Christmas.

Enjoy your family, and enjoy Connor.

What? What? No, I don’t‐‐ I don’t want him.

I don’t want Connor.

I want you.

Then what was that?

I don’t know.

Why are you huddled in a corner with Riley?

None of this has anything to do with Riley.

This is all happening because of you, Harper.

You not telling your parents about us is a choice that you made.

It is not that simple.

ABBY: Do you know how painful

it’s been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?

I am not hiding you. I am hiding me.

Okay?

Our entire life, we have been expected to be these perfect, golden children.

I mean, love in our house wasn’t something we just got for free.

It is something that we competed for, and if we veered off their course, we lost it.

I‐I know it’s messed up, okay?

I get it.

But they’re my parents, and I am scared that if I tell them who I really am, I will lose them.

And I know, if I don’t tell them, I will lose you.

I don’t want to lose you.

Hey, come here. Come here.

No, I don’t want to lose you.

No, no.

Look at me. Come here. Look at me. It’s okay.

I don’t‐‐

Hey, stop.

HARPER: I don’t want to lose you.

ABBY: You’re not.

SLOANE: Matilda and Magnus…

TIPPER: If you want a present… [laughs] you better have a number.

[clears throat] ‘Sup?

‘Sup?

TIPPER: Anybody else?

[chuckles]

You pump?

I’m sorry?

Weights.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You?

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you bench?

[sighs]

Thousand. Thou‐Thousand, plus.

TIPPER: All right. Everybody have your numbers?

SLOANE: Kids?

Sloane, Sloane, Sloane!

Hmm? Yeah?

Can we just talk for a sec?

Oh, what’s there to talk about? You and Abby are in a romantic relationship, and you’ve been lying to the family about it for God knows how long.

Does that sound about right, or‐‐

Just, uh, please don’t tell Mom and Dad yet.

[chuckles softly]

Please, Sloane.

I’m telling them after the holidays.

[chuckles]

Just rip it.

HARPER: Please promise me you won’t say anything.

Now is just very bad timing, and I’m telling them everything after the holidays anyways.

Honestly, I feel sorry for you.

Mom and Dad are gonna be so heartbroken when they find out you’ve been lying to them. [clattering]

Sloane, if you‐‐

[gasps] Wait. Kids?

Found you!

[gasping]

HARPER: Oh.

Are you kidding me?

No one’s supposed to know yet.

We had an agreement.

I’m sorry.

I guess I’m not the only one with a secret.

[Sloane screams]

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is‐‐ That’s‐that’s good mass.

That is solid.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

JANE: Oh, my God. They all look so nice.

Just choose, Jane.

[chuckles]

Eeny, meeny, mi‐‐

[laughs] I’m just kidding.

[grunting]

You have no idea what goes on in other people’s families, so you need to just keep your mouth shut!

HARPER: You keep your mouth shut, psycho!

I should run. Yeah.

Yeah.

Levi. [clears throat] We should‐‐

JANE: Huh. I wonder what this one is.

Abby, get the Santa.

[strained grunt]

I mean‐‐

You stay out of this, Sappho.

I would‐‐

[grunting]

I don’t know what this is.

It’s big.

[laughter]

[grunting, screaming]

Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[gasping]

Oh, gosh.

Here, help me out here.

What‐what‐what‐‐ Wh‐What is this?

It’s a painting of Main Street.

I made it.

I love that.

[clearing throat]

SLOANE: No! No, no, no!

[screams] I’ll kill you!

[guests murmuring]

SLOANE: I’ll kill you!

TED: What are you doing?

TIPPER: Girls!

What is going on?

Yeah, what is going on?

Harper, do you want to tell them, or should I?

Don’t, Sloane!

SLOANE: Why?

It’s not good timing?

[grunts]

[guests gasp]

Girls, stop that this instant!

Come on, guys. Just hug it out.

BOTH: Shut up, Jane!

Don’t do this, Sloane.

All this because you’re scared to not be the favorite.

Pathetic.

Sloane, you’re making a scene!

SLOANE: I am?

You think she’s so innocent?

All of this is happening because Harper is‐‐

[guests gasp, scream]

[panting]

Harper is a lesbian.

Abby’s her girlfriend.

She is lying.

I am not a lesbian.

Sloane is the one that has this big‐‐

[grunting in frustration]

TED: No!

[Harper screams]

[guests gasping, shouting]

Harper!

[Sloane and Harper screaming]

Stop it! Goddamn it, stop it!

HARRY: Oh, my.

JANE: No!

Enough!

[both panting]

I put 100 hours into that painting, and you… you just destroyed it like it was nothing.

It was something.

I am something.

And guess what.

I like myself.

And maybe you all don’t because I’m not fancy.

But whether you like it or not, I’m a part of this family, and I will not be left out anymore!

[screaming]

No!

[guests gasping]

Stop it, girls!

[groaning]

TIPPER: Stop this right now.

JANE: Guys, you keep ripping it more!

TIPPER: Kids, what are you doing back there?

MAGNUS: Playing hide‐and‐seek like Abby and Aunt Harper.

[sighs, sniffles]

[footsteps approaching]

[sighs, sniffles]

JOHN: Abby?

[Abby groans]

Want to go for a walk?

Okay.

Okay.

Come on.

ABBY: My parents loved Christmas.

We would do all the stuff.

We would decorate and…

do the tree and watch, like, every Christmas movie.

After they died, I‐I couldn’t really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas.

JOHN: Hmm.

The holidays were just a huge reminder of…

them not being here.

So I really thought maybe this year with… with Harper and meeting her family, you know, that it would just feel different.

[sniffles]

I don’t‐‐ I don’t think that she… loves me as much as I thought she did.

Hey.

Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.

[trembling] How could it not?

Remind me, what did your parents say when you told them you were gay?

Um, that they loved and supported me.

That’s amazing.

My dad… kicked me out of the house and didn’t talk to me for 13 years after I told him.

Everybody’s story is different.

There’s your version and my version and everything in between.

But the one thing that all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words, when your heart is racing and you don’t know what’s coming next.

That moment’s really terrifying.

And then once you say those words, you can’t unsay them.

A chapter has ended, and a new one’s begun, and you have to be ready for that.

You can’t do it for anyone else.

Just because Harper isn’t ready, it doesn’t mean she never will be, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

[sniffles]

[sniffles]

I‐I want to be with someone who is ready.

Mm.

You look great in this coat.

GUEST: Merry Christmas. Thank you.

SLOANE: Thank you.

[quiet chatter]

RILEY: Just wait for me in the car.

Great party.

Yeah.

You okay?

I’m so sorry.

[sighs]

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

She’s a really good one.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Riley.

Sloane.

I’m sorry.

Okay, come on. Let’s get you two to bed.

Thank you, Ms. Levin, for coming, and again, my apologies for the spectacle.

I’ll call you.

What the hell happened tonight?

Even as children, you never behaved this badly.

I expected more from you, especially you, Harper.

You know how this world works.

Reputation is everything, and tonight you jeopardized mine.

Jane, I know you‐you just wanted to be included.

It was really nice.

Sloane, making up lies about your sister.

You’re better than that.

At least you used to be.

Sorry, I’m‐I’m just getting my stuff.

Wait, Abby.

Wait.

[sighs]

Sloane wasn’t lying.

I’m gay.

And I am in love with Abby.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner, but I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you, and me being gay just didn’t… fit into the plan.

But I… let myself hurt Riley…because I was so scared that you would find out I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.

And… I still regret it.

I can’t do that to Abby… [chuckles]

[crying] …and throw away… our life together.

So I am done being scared, and I am done keeping secrets.

I love you.

Eric and I are getting a divorce.

We separated a few months ago.

And the truth is I didn’t tell you because without my family I’m worthless to you.

We’ve spent our entire lives trying to earn your love, and I’m done, too.

I don’t have any secrets, but I am an ally.

[distant door closes]

I’m gonna go.

Wait. No, no.

[sighing]

I did it.

Mm‐hmm.

I’m sorry.

Uh, it’s just too late.

[sobs softly]

[takes deep breath]

I have always wanted to try karate, even though I know it’s not elegant.

I hate flowers.

I see what you’re doing.

We have been so worried about seeming perfect.

But maybe we don’t even know what perfect is.

We have one daughter who has been unhappy in a marriage and felt like she couldn’t tell us, and another daughter who… [crying] just had her heart broken because she was afraid we wouldn’t love her if she told us the truth.

And… [sniffles] the only reason that Jane is okay is because we gave up on her after she wouldn’t stop biting in preschool.

[takes deep, gasping breath]

That is… very far from perfect, if you ask me.

Thanks.

I’m really sorry.

I know.

Me, too.

And, Jane, I…

I’m so sorry about your painting.

It was really beautiful.

It was.

Thanks, guys.

He just needs a little time.

JOHN: Okay, listen to these ingredients: maltodextrin, autolyzed yeast extract, artificial colors‐‐ Red 40 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5.

Because all of the yellows taste so different.

You know, I am disgusted at the poison these corporations try to pass off as food.

Who’s watching the animals?

My therapist is taking care of them, but we should have a conversation about the fish at some point.

What happened to the fish?

Let’s look at gum.

Okay, so I just want to preface this by saying that nobody would disagree that fish belong in the ocean.

Correct? [horn honking]

Abby.

H‐How did you even‐‐

I tracked you. John taught me.

I just want to go home.

HARPER: I know. I just‐‐

Please, let me say this.

You are my family.

I mean, you are the love of my life.

I was terrible.

And‐and I wish that I could undo everything, but I promise you I will make it up to you.

I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

And I won’t hurt you like this again.

But please… give me another chance.

I‐I want to build a life with you.

Please.

And what about your parents? I‐‐

No, no, I… I don’t care what they think.

I only care about you.

If I have you, that’s all I need.

Be with me.

♪ uplifting music ♪

[chuckles]

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

JANE: So, the Shadow Dreamers were compelled to rise up against Flanks.

JOHN: Because of the blatant Thorfian rights violations.

Exactly.

Good morning.

Hey, morning. Merry Christmas.

Hi.

Morning.

HARPER: Hey, Mom.

Hi.

Hi.

ABBY: How’d you sleep?

Did he come down?

No, not yet.

SLOANE: Everyone.

Go ahead, kids.

We put the necklace in Abby’s bag.

MAGNUS: We’re sorry.

Thank you.

Can we open our stockings now?

Yes.

Let’s go.

[footsteps approaching]

Uh, I have sunk almost all of our savings into this campaign.

Because I thought, if I won, you’d all be proud of me.

We’re already proud of you.

We don’t care if you win.

Yeah.

And the money doesn’t matter.

When I sell my book, I’ll take care of all of us.

I love you, girls.

And I’m sorry for making you think that anything could ever get in the way of that.

I want to do better, and it will take time, but all I want for you is to find the same joy and happiness that you have given me, no matter where it comes from.

[Tipper chuckling]

JANE: Aw.

TED: Mm.

[women laughing]

[“O Holy Night” instrumental playing]

Whoa!

Smile.

Smile.

Aw. [camera clicks]

You didn’t think I knew how to do that, did you?

I‐‐ It’s impressive.

♪ ♪

Hello?

HARRY: Merry Christmas, Ted.

Merry‐‐

HARRY: I’ll get right to it.

I like you. I think you can win, too, and not just this election.

Thank you, Ms. Levin.

HARRY: Hold on. There’s an “if.”

Now, I don’t know if Sloane’s revelation last night was true, but if it is… [sighs] and Harper can adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding her private life, I think we could be in business.

What do you say?

Well?

It’s not gonna work out.

Oh.

We’ll figure something out.

TIPPER: Great, so‐‐ Wait, come over here.

TED: Okay. Where am I? Here?

TIPPER: You move there.

TED: Yeah, okay. Okay.

TIPPER: Hi, honey. Right.

Um, Jane, you get in the middle.

Yeah.

[chuckling]

Right there.

TIPPER: John, would you mind?

Oh, I would be delighted.

Okay.

Abby, what are you doing way over there?

Get in here.

Come on.

[laughter]

Okay. Everyone say, “Christmas.”

No, don’t say that.

[Abby laughs]

[“Make You Mine This Season” by Tegan and Sara playing]

[camera clicks]

♪ Somebody broke your heart ♪

♪ Under a Christmas tree… ♪

JANE: “Once they cross Corvall Chasm, they will enter floam territory. The Shadow Dreamers know they might not all make it out with their Krindoll intact, but the entire Thorfian race rests on their shoulders. They look to each other and then into the darkness. It is Glank who takes the first step.”

[cheering]

Here you go. Thank you so much for coming.

MAN: Thank you.

JANE: Bye.

Hi.

JANE: Hi.

We’ll meet you there?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, you bet.

That was awesome.

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Two at a time.

Oh.

Aah!

Oh, my word.

It’s an onslaught.

♪ ♪

♪ Make you mine, make you mine this season ♪

♪ Bells ring out on the street ♪

♪ Snow falling at our feet ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Lights glowing in the trees ♪

♪ Will you dance with me? ♪

♪ Have I been good enough ♪

[Sloane laughs]

♪ To ask for your love? ♪

♪ You’re the only girl I’ve got on my list ♪

♪ I write your name, I know it’s foolish ♪

♪ But I chase the feeling ’cause you keep me dreaming ♪

♪ That I could make you mine, make you mine this season ♪

♪ I put a star on the top of my tree ♪

♪ I just want to make you mine ♪

♪ Its light is gonna lead you straight to me ♪

♪ I just want to make you mine. ♪

[song fades]

[“Think of Christmas” by Anne‐Marie begins]

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ Remember the snow angels ♪

♪ Unorthodox anecdotes ♪

♪ About how it’s never home ♪

♪ Hmm, unless you’re here ♪

♪ Don’t matter how deep the snow ♪

♪ Don’t matter how cold it goes ♪

♪ I’ve already made it home ♪

♪ Hmm, because you’re here ♪

♪ Still at the kids’ table even though we’re grown ♪

♪ Hands on my kneecap underneath the table ♪

♪ We got a secret only you and me know ♪

♪ But they know ’cause ♪

♪ A love like ours comes with the brightest of halos ♪

♪ Yeah, they know ♪

♪ That when I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you and me and a classic kiss ♪

♪ Modern love is what it is ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of nothing more, nothing to do ♪

♪ Unwrap myself in front of you ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ Rewriting my memories ♪

♪ Creating new history ♪

♪ And the season feels new to me ♪

♪ Huh, because you’re here ♪

♪ Still at the kids’ table even though we’re grown ♪

♪ Hands on my kneecap underneath the table ♪

♪ We got a secret only you and me know ♪

♪ But they know ’cause ♪

♪ A love like ours comes with the brightest of halos ♪

♪ Yeah, they know ♪

♪ That when I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you and me and a classic kiss ♪

♪ Modern love is what it is ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of nothing more, nothing to do ♪

♪ Unwrap myself in front of you ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ I think of you. ♪ [song ends]

♪ joyous holiday music ♪

♪ ♪

[“Jingle Bells” instrumental plays]

♪ ♪

[music ends]

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