Plot
In this film, Chris Cringle lives with his wife Ruth and runs his Christmas present shop on a farm near the town of North Peak, Alaska. With his income on the decline because of too many children turning vicious, the United States government, who maintains an interest share in Chris’ business, sends Captain Jacobs to propose a two-month contract for producing components for a new jet fighter for the US military. The liasion agents override Chris’ misgivings by virtually threatening to withhold the government’s subsidies, but Ruth manages to restore his spirits.
On Christmas Eve, spoiled rich boy Billy Wenan receives a lump of coal from Chris for his selfish disposition, and swearing revenge, he hires his personal hitman Jonathan Miller, known as the Skinny Man, to kill Chris. After some futile first attempts, Miller coerces a Postal Service supervisor to tell him Chris’ address from the letters he receives every year from children around the world. Making his way to North Peak, he trails Chris to the farm, infiltrates the compound and kills all the US Army guards. He is discovered by one of the elf workers; the alarm is raised, and at the cost of his own life Captain Jacobs manages to evacuate the workers before Miller blows up the shop.
Chris faces off against Miller and gains the upper hand, but Miller first wounds Chris with a leg-mounted spring blade and then shoots him in the eye, apparently killing him. Ruth intervenes and shoots Miller dead, and because he is essentially immortal, Chris recovers from his injuries. Backtracking Miller’s assignment, he and Ruth pay a visit to Billy, warning him that Chris will come for him (and any other kids) who turn against their fellow human beings. Afterwards, Chris, Ruth and the elf crew start rebuilding their workshop with renewed confidence.
Transcript:
Regina, I am prepared to depart. Have my project brought up.
Yes, Mr. Wenan.
Billy, I just got word
that your father will not be joining us for Christmas.
Oh, I know, sweetie.
It’s… his work.
It’s unfortunate.
I was really looking forward to seeing John.
I’m sorry that I won’t be able to be there for you today.
It’s okay, Grandma.
Come here.
You know what would look good here?
Another ribbon.
Bring home the blue, Billy.
I will, Grandmother, because that’s what winners do.
Oh, that’s my boy.
And we’ll send a picture to your father afterwards.
Hmm?
Please be a dear and get me a glass of milk.
Of course, Grandma.
Thank you.
– Regina. – Yes, Mr. Wenan.
I need this letter mailed overnight.
Of course.
I’ll be back in approximately four hours.
Otherwise, I can be reached on my phone.
Oh, and, um, Regina,
Grandmother would like a glass of milk.
Of course, sir.
Working something out, love?
Yeah.
I finished up early on the day’s orders, so I figured I’d get in some practice.
This is our lowest year on record.
Yeah, we’ve had slumps before. It’ll pick back up.
And the supply bill next month?
We can’t run up any more credit.
Try not to worry.
Just trying to keep things in perspective.
I’ll head into town tomorrow and check on the late entries.
I’ll look at the PO box.
They’ve assured me our check’s in the mail.
All right.
I’ll make cookies for the drive.
That’d be nice.
You have fun shooting the trash.
Yes, ma’am.
Yes?
Hi, uh, it’s Donald. Is this, uh…
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Do you have something for me?
Uh, yeah. Yes. Yes, I do.
Well, walk over here and bring it to the table.
Uh… yeah. Um…
On the mat.
So, uh, how long does this usually take?
As long as it takes.
Is there a place I can sit?
Does it look like there’s someplace that you can sit?
Does this belong to you?
Uh, yeah. I got it for Christmas when I was 11.
Eleven. Eleven. That’s great.
You know, I never got what I asked for.
Are you a baseball player?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I am.
You’re an athlete?
I mean, I was.
I, uh, blew my ACL out in college, like, 15 years ago.
– Why are you selling it now? – I don’t really wanna.
But my little girl wants to go to space camp, so, uh, we can’t afford it.
What do you think your childhood dream is worth?
2,000.
I’ll give you $900 for it.
That’s not even gonna get me halfway there.
I will give you $900 for it or you can fuck off.
Hydroelectric power is an abundant energy source and the underlying thesis of my project.
How long did this take you? – Two weeks of conceptualizing and ten days of actual building.
How’d you come up with this?
After I realized the amount of power within a flowing water source, the rest was elementary.
Congratulations, Christine.
Oh, you have made Chester Elementary very proud.
You just beat four-time champion Billy Wenan. What do you have to say?
I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present.
Thank you to everyone, especially my mom and dad.
Congrats again.
Thank you.
Billy!
Excuse me, Judge Robinson, I think I got the wrong…
Oh, we’ve got, uh, Billy right here.
Let’s get a shot with the runner-up.
All right, let’s get the runner-up out here.
I’ve got the wrong…
Come on. Hold that ribbon up high.
You two get snuggly. Look at me.
Pretend like there’s a little squirrel’s nest on my head.
Bye, Billy! Have a good Christmas!
Roger.
Yes, Mr. Wenan.
I have some more work for that friend of ours.
I’ll put you in contact, sir.
Thank you.
All right, I can talk.
What exactly does this entail?
I see. All right, uh…
You got a name?
How much?
Yeah. Yeah, I understand.
Job accepted.
I gotta go. I’m on another gig.
…we ask ourselves the real question. Is Santa making a difference anymore?
Here we have a story out of North Carolina.
Two children said they were just having fun when they dropped a bowling ball off the Hickerson overpass.
This caused a 30-car pileup.
Next hour, we’re gonna be talking to an Oregon man who says a group of schoolchildren burned his house to the ground.
Merry Christmas, Chris.
Ah, schoolkids are lighting their uncles on fire and throwing bowling balls off of bridges.
Nothing too merry about that.
Got two more crates for you in back.
I’ll bring the truck around.
All right, I’ll get ’em ready.
Hey, Chris.
Ralph.
I got a whole lot of presents under the tree.
You could come over later and unwrap a couple early.
– Hmm. I might be… – Hold that thought.
Sorry about that, Chris. What can I get ya?
Johnny Carson.
Not in your usual chipper mood today.
Went a whole two seconds and I haven’t heard anything about the decline of society or the reckless youth in America.
I guess I’m just having a good day.
Wishin’ and waitin’ isn’t gonna change what’s inside.
Gotta get another whiskey from the back.
Can I help you?
How are ya, Mike?
Don’t think I know you.
Nicole and the kids are well, I hope.
Look, uh, I wasn’t gonna do anything…
Oh, I’ve known Sandy since she was a kid. She’s a great girl.
But she never did hold much faith in wedding vows.
Not like you and me, Mike.
Listen, I’m…
I’m just here having a drink. I’m not…
You know, if you drive straight through…
I reckon you could be home in 12 hours, spend the holiday with your family.
Who are you?
Well, I’m… I’m the guy that’s gonna buy you a beer.
Why don’t you hop? I’ll take care of it.
And Mike, drive safe.
Where’s Mike?
Who?
The good-looking guy that was sitting right next to where your fat butt is.
Oh, that fella. Well, I guess he left.
Why is it every time you come in here, I end up going home alone?
Maybe I’m a jinx.
Yeah.
Hello?
Hello, ma’am. I’m a reporter with The Times.
Oh, that’s a wonderful paper.
Yes, it is.
I feel very privileged to be a part of it.
How can I help you?
Yesterday, we ran an article on your school’s science fair…
and I had a few follow-up questions for the “Best of Show,” Christine Crawford.
I was hoping I could get her contact information.
No problem I can get that for you.
Fantastic.
Just gonna be one more second.
Great.
I brought your milk.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Put it here.
You should be resting.
Let’s get these outta your way.
On the desk.
Mm.
– Night. – Good night.
– I love you. – I love you too.
– Regina! – Yes, Mr. Wenan.
Grandmother wants everyone out of the house right now.
Certainly, sir.
Mmm, you know…
I’ve never lost a science competition.
Did you know a circuit is only as good as its ground?
Billy, I-I thought that your science proj…
Twelve-volt car battery.
Might not kill you, but it’ll make your teeth chatter.
You’re gonna return the first-place ribbon and tell them you were unfairly helped with that train project.
You cheated.
You don’t deserve to win.
Am I being clear?
Get her outta here.
Ah.
They arrived about 20 minutes ago.
Yeah. Hope they brought the other half of our check.
Stay calm. You exploding is not gonna help anything.
No, but it’ll make me feel better.
Oh.
Good to see you, Chris.
Apologies about springing this visit on you.
Why don’t we drop the pleasantries?
It’s my busiest time of year, and I got work to do.
– Now, where’s the rest of my money? – I’m Captain Jacobs.
– We’ve got a proposition for you. – No propositions, no shakes.
I want what’s due. And this? This is half.
Well, you only produced half of last year’s product, and, uh, the subsidy payment reflects that.
Well, this is Christmas. We’re not handing out participation trophies.
I can’t help it if half the kids deserve coal instead of presents.
We got a minimum budget. It’s in our contract.
Well, actually, your contract with the United States government, um, states,
“Subsidy payment is dependent on volume of presents made and delivered.”
And that’s exactly how you’ve been paid.
This won’t even cover the power.
We have employees to pay, food to buy, and quite frankly, this is one… humdinger of a time to lay this burden on us.
The point is, with only half our payment, we’re not gonna be able to survive.
We understand the financial constraints that you’re suffering.
No one wants to shut you down, not if we don’t have to.
Do you even understand what you’re saying?
What you’d be doing to Christmas?
We want your holiday spirit. It generates holiday spending.
Let’s not get into all that right now.
I mean, the important thing is, we might have a chance to work this out.
Captain, if you please.
Chris, Ruth, the United States military would like to procure your services.
You know what happens if I hear you talked, right?
No.
I’ll kill your mommy.
I’ll kill your daddy.
You got a dog?
Yeah.
What’s your dog’s name?
J-Jo Jo Beans.
Well, I will kill ol’ Jo Jo Beans too.
Now you’re gonna go in there and say that you were at the mall and you lost track of time.
You were buying them some Christmas presents. You got it?
I don’t have any Christmas pre…
Well, maybe you were thinking about buying them some Christmas presents.
Remember, two nights from now,
Santa’s gonna slide his fat ass down your chimney and give you a whole bunch of presents ’cause you’ve been such a good girl this year.
You know, he doesn’t do that for everyone.
Here’s your phone.
Christine.
Merry Christmas.
Thanks, love.
You think they’re serious about shutting down the factory?
Nah, they’re just trying to bully us into a contract.
You sure about that?
We could use the extra income.
Oh, I’m aware.
Doesn’t have to come from them though.
No.
Why, no, it doesn’t.
I’m glad I thought of it.
Hmm.
Well, I’m calling you on Christmas Eve, so you know it’s serious.
I mean, I thought we did a great job for you back in ’98.
My team is fast.
And you know they do quality work, right?
Well, no.
No, no, I can’t beat that.
But if you’re getting it that cheap, you’ve gotta be sacrificing something somewhere.
I’m sorry to hear that, Lee Ning.
Yes, have a good day. Bye.
Lee Ning, out.
Elon, this is Chris. What do you got for me?
I bid on everything from mainframes to Pez dispensers.
Everybody’s outsourcing.
They got six-year-olds pulling 12-hour shifts in bare feet
for two sticks of bubble gum.
It’s heartbreaking.
You’re exhausted, and you’ve got a long night of delivering gifts.
Why don’t you get some rest before you go out?
You still got a little bit of time.
I can’t sleep.
The whole damn operation is goin’ tits up.
Chris.
Chris, the sleigh’s packed and ready to go.
I’ll be right there.
Let me see it.
Hold on. I’m almost finished.
Let me… Just give me the list.
Have you checked it?
Come on. It’s fine.
Why are you being like this?
‘Cause I failed.
Hey!
– You forgetting something? – Oh.
– I’ll keep hold of this for you. – Oh, come on.
It’s 15 below out here.
Then have hot chocolate.
All right.
How’d it go?
– I survived. – Mmm.
Merry Christmas, darling.
You just messed up big time, fat man!
Go!
Hot damn. That was a course record.
Let’s run it again.
I was, uh, hoping to, uh, get to my son’s place
and see the grandkids opening presents this morning.
Are you not being compensated for your time?
Oh, y-yeah, yeah. Sure.
Well, is that not enough for you?
No, uh, it is.
Good.
Then let’s run it again.
Is there a problem?
I’ve got a job for you.
– Good. – I think you’re gonna like it.
It complements that hobby of yours.
What’s the job?
I’d like you to kill Santa Claus.
Really?
I know he let you down too.
Well, uh…
that’s not gonna be easy.
Well, if you’re not interested, I’m sure I could find s…
No, I’m interested.
I’m very interested.
Hello. Davis here.
Ah, good morning. This is Chris.
– Chris, good morning. – I’ll do the contract.
Oh, that’s fantastic! That’s great.
– Ye… Yeah. Yeah, well, yes. – Let’s get together…
Well, m-merry… merry Christmas.
The one day you get to sleep in, and you’re up early.
Well, I had a heavy mind.
I just agreed to the contract.
It’s what we have to do, love.
I know.
What is it?
Oh, some kids with a deer rifle put some flak in the air.
Again?
Yeah.
Put two holes in the sleigh, one in me. Even tore my bag.
Don’t worry about the bag. Let me see your side.
I’m all right. It’s… It’s fine, it’s fine.
It’ll heal in the usual way.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
Maybe it’s time I retired the coat.
You just need a break. We’re all feeling it this year.
I’ve lost my influence.
You’re an icon. People love you.
I’m a silly, fat man in a red suit.
I mean, you think it’s cute, but this is what people actually think of me.
Christmas is a farce. I am a joke.
There hasn’t been any real spirit of the season anymore.
Not for years.
Let’s just get a few days out on this.
That will give you a better perspective.
I should’ve charged them royalties for my image.
– Now, that’s what we should’ve done. – That’s not who we are.
No, we’re only the largest economic stimulus in the entire world.
Christmas generates $3 trillion in the US alone.
We can’t pay our power bill. Think there’s something wrong with that?
Oh, is that how we’re measuring success now?
Well, that’s what they care about.
They put up with us so they can sell their toys and sodas and cars.
We’re a business.
And don’t kid yourself, Ruth.
Altruism is not a deductible on their bottom line.
Don’t put it all on them. You’ve changed too.
You might be right.
Maybe I’m just like ’em.
You still have it.
All I have is a loathing for a world that’s forgotten.
Thanks for the cigars.
– Information. Can I help you? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need to get ahold of somebody in the North Pole.
I’m not able to search without a specific country or code.
Okay. All right, uh, then what’s the closest thing to the North Pole?
Something… Something arctic, in the Arctic Circle.
Unfortunately, I don’t know. If you could be more specific, I could help you.
Well, is there a city up there, an island, anything?
A chunk of ice floating in the fucking ocean?
I can’t stay on if you’re gonna talk like that.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cuss.
– Please don’t hang up. – I want to help you. If you could be more specific.
Okay, uh, what about the city of… of Eureka on Ellesmere Island?
Okay, I have it.
Great, great.
Do you have a listing for Christopher Cringle?
Hello?
Hello?
Why did you hang up the fucking phone?
Just relax.
Back to basics.
– Damn! Shit. – I broke it.
– I broke it. – Jesus.
May I get another pot of tea?
Mr. Wenan. This package came for you.
From your father for Christmas.
It’s a few days late.
Yes, sir.
From the Bahamas?
That’s what it says, sir.
He’s probably there with his girlfriend, Kara.
I wouldn’t know, sir.
Well, pass it to me.
Where the hell are you?
Hey.
Where do the, uh…
the letters to Santa go?
You know, the letters the children write to Santa Claus?
– What happens to ’em? – Yeah, yeah. H-36.
Uh, it’s a… it’s a bin down at the office.
– Right. What happens to ’em after that? – Uh, I don’t know.
Guess you could ask Weyland, our district super.
Weyland? You know where I could find him?
Yeah, downtown office, just off Redding Street.
– Redding? – Yeah.
– Great. Thank you. – No problem.
Have a good day.
Morning.
Sorry. This is my first day.
Know where I can find Supervisor Meeks’s office?
Um… can I help you?
I’m looking for the fat man.
Where is he?
Excuse me?
Santa Claus, motherfucker.
Come on, Weyland.
Don’t act stupid.
Just give me the address and I’ll walk right out of here.
Where do you send the letters?
Okay, just take it easy.
Look, I can’t give you an address because…
Shh.
I can’t give you an address because I don’t have one.
Then you just sorted your last piece of mail.
No, no, no, no. I just…
Look, it’s a classified program. They give me a PO box and that’s it.
I don’t know anything else. I swear to you.
We just crate up the letters and send them out.
Write it down.
– Write it down. – Okay.
Okay.
To the right.
Other way.
Not that page. Use a blank one.
Okay.
– Slow down. Make it legible. – Fuck.
Okay?
– You gotta be shitting me. – No, no, no. It’s the truth. I swear it.
So, uh, what now?
Well… that’s it.
Son of a…
Hello?
We’re a go.
I’ll be on the road by midnight.
Sounds good.
Keep me updated on your progress.
They’ll understand.
They shouldn’t have to.
Can I assume they speak English?
Our work requires that they speak many different languages.
Let’s just get this over with.
All right, everyone. Quiet down now. Let’s quiet down.
– Is everybody here? – We’re all here and accounted for, sir.
Well, firstly, uh,
I’m sorry to call you all back so early.
But I’m sure you’re all excited to get cracking
and get working again on next year’s Christmas season.
And you’re probably wondering about all the new faces around here today.
Well, as you already know…
there is a rising number of our youth making poor decisions.
Now, this has unfortunately caused our yearly subsidy
to be well below our current budget.
Now, to make up for that shortfall…
we are fulfilling a two-month contract with the US military.
Now, I know this must come as a shock to a lot of you.
Believe me, had there been any other way…
This is Captain Jacobs.
Captain Jacobs’ll fill you in on a lot of the changes that are going on around here.
Thank you.
I am going to go over some rules that must be followed without exception and throughout the duration of this engagement.
These rules are for your safety, and your safety alone.
Number one, you will be fingerprinted, assigned a security badge to be worn at all times.
Next.
Number two, you must enter and exit the factory floor through the southern bay doors only.
Number three, you must remove the bells from your uniforms as they will set off our metal detectors.
In addition to these rules, we will be upgrading the site’s security.
Do you have any questions?
Yes.
What kind of toys are we making, sir?
Not toys, miss.
Control panels for America’s eagle in the sky, our FJ-63 fighter jets.
What’s the purpose of your visit?
Recreation. Hunting.
I’m gonna kill some things.
You fill out the 5589?
Yes, ma’am, I have my 5589… my 4457, and my 3177 right here.
All right.
Welcome to Canada.
Good to be here.
Holy Christ, Corporal, you call that hammering?
Show a little pride in your work.
Here. You’re up.
Holy hell.
Soldier, get your sorry ass out of that lift.
Clean that shit up.
Hey, partner. Here.
Hang on to this.
Thank you.
Steroids.
I come in peace.
Thank you.
Morning, 7. How’s everybody holding up?
Very well, sir. We got the line up and running last night.
– Right now we’re optimizing. – Oh, yeah.
Okay, optimizing. I see.
19, 23, how are you doing?
– Wonderfully perfect, sir. – Uh, super-duper good.
Ah, I appreciate the positivity.
Are you buying that?
Absolutely, boss.
I really backed you into a corner on this one, 7. Don’t think I don’t know that.
The order calls for a lot of product in a short amount of time.
Yeah, it’s gonna be a squeaker even if everything goes perfect. Refill, thanks.
Which it never does.
When have you seen it go perfect?
– 1910 was close. – There was a bad war that year.
You can’t blame yourself.
– I’ll go check the crew. – The office.
Oh, one more thing.
7… this is make or break for us.
I don’t need to tell you that absolutely everything is on the line.
Christmas is at stake, sir. We won’t let you down.
We’ll have the order finished on time.
Good man.
Chris, I just talked to my superiors.
They’re very impressed with the numbers that I gave them.
They’re sending in a couple of suits to have a look at the operation.
It’s a very impressive group of… little workers you’ve got here.
Real hard workers.
I’d like to use the break room, if that’s possible.
I’m running an eight-man rotation, four on at all times.
Me or one of my men are gonna be inside the factory 24 hours a day.
How does that sit with you, 7?
We can take our breaks in the cafeteria.
Many thanks to you. Captain Jacobs.
7.
7?
We’re all ranked and accounted for by number.
It’s more efficient that way.
7’s our factory foreman.
What happened to 1 through 6?
Well, we’ve been at this a long time.
We don’t reissue numbers.
That would be unethical and dishonorable.
I like it.
That’s a hell of a way to run a crew.
Would you like a cookie, Captain Jacobs?
Indeed.
A hell of a way to run a crew.
Excuse me.
Mmm.
Wow.
You all right, buddy?
The hamster hammock is a top seller and this, the roller.
Then we have the seesaw.
Nibblers and the pet playhouse.
There’s no room for the pet playhouse.
You know, it’s funny. You don’t strike me as a hamster person.
– Well, I am. – You seem more like a… a reptile person.
Do you like lizards?
I have a great selection of chameleons.
I don’t want a chameleon.
Snakes.
That’s it. You’re a snake person.
Snakes eat hamsters.
You know, lots of people don’t know what kind of pet person they are, but I’m really good at this.
You know, you remind me a lot of my mother.
– Really? – Yeah.
She wasn’t a good listener,
and she never knew when to shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
Here you go, fellas.
– Hi. – Hey.
Mr. Cringle.
We had a hell of a time finding this place.
Asked around town, but no one had a clue.
Yeah, as you can imagine, it has to be that way.
And we think it’s a good thing.
Great thing. Yeah, I’m Lex Taylor.
This is, uh, Carter Mapplethorpe.
I know who you are.
Right. They warned us about that.
Things were a little touch-and-go for a couple of years.
Weren’t they, Carter?
Whoa, hey, hey.
Oh, that’s Donner. He gets a mite nippy.
You’re lucky it wasn’t Blitzer. She’d tear your package right off.
Well, have a look around, fellas.
7, my shop foreman,
will show you anything you might need to see.
We, uh, don’t need to have a look around, Chris.
No, we’ve seen the numbers, we’ve seen the samples,
and the work you do is exceptional.
The military would like to procure your services on an annual basis.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
We are prepared to guarantee your subsidization for 15 years.
I hear what you’re saying,
but this is a one-time deal, gentlemen.
How about you wait until you get that check on the first of next month,
and then we’ll see if you don’t have a change of heart.
That’s not gonna happen.
I appreciate your optimism, sir, I-I really do,
but with all due respect, I think both of us know
that there’s a very good chance you’re gonna end up right back here next year.
And then maybe, Mr. Cringle, the deal we offer won’t be so sweet.
Mm-hmm.
I’ll keep some axle grease handy just in case I change my mind.
Okay.
But will the president do that?
I think he already is.
Sit tight. Be right back.
You get this for Christmas?
Yeah, Santa gave it to me.
You must be a good kid.
I guess so.
You know what I got for Christmas when I was your age?
You never forget the smell of burning flesh and menthols.
Give you a hundred bucks for it.
150.
Your workers sure have healthy appetites.
You know, I can’t help but think the smallness and discoloration
is a direct result of an inadequate diet.
Inadequate?
Please elaborate.
Well, I think what you need is some… protein, vegetables, fiber.
I bet if we gave some real food to these people, they would shoot up like bean stalks.
Captain, we have discovered the most efficient and productive way to eat is simple carbs and sugars six times a day.
But that’s unnatural.
The body needs four food groups, regular exercise, a minimum of six hours of sleep.
Oh, every elf takes a 20-minute nap every eight hours.
That keeps our bodies fresh and allows us to work on a 24-hour rotation.
How long can you keep that up?
Indefinitely.
It’s why elves live much longer than humans.
– And Chris? He does the same? – No.
It’s the giving that keeps him young.
Thought I’d head into town tomorrow to check the PO box.
I’m gonna feel a lot better with that check in my hand.
I’m with you there.
Thanks for these.
We have each other’s backs.
That’s how this works.
Remember when my baking went through the vegan, sugar-free phase?
Oh, yeah.
I was lucky to survive it.
Must’ve lost 12 pounds.
But you told me, even though you knew I wouldn’t be thrilled to hear it.
That may have been more of a self-preservation thing.
Point is, we both have good days and bad days.
We disagree. We tick each other off.
Like when you come into the house dripping sweat all over the floor,
using my good towels for sweat rags.
But I love you.
So we figure it out, we work through it, we lift each other up.
I’m feeling downright inspired. – Good!
Let’s hope that inspiration starts with a shower.
Mm. That… That bad?
Yes.
Really?
Hmm.
No chance?
Oh, God.
I got to talk you into this?
How about I… Oh, okay. All right.
Just… Just go. Go.
Afternoon.
Hope the new year is treating you well.
Only a couple of days in, but I’m optimistic.
Can I help you with anything?
Yeah.
I’m, uh…
looking for a friend of mine.
This is his box.
What box you lookin’ at?
323.
You a friend of Chris’s?
Yeah.
Yeah, we, uh, we did some business a couple of years back.
Wanted to look him up, but I misplaced his contact information.
I was hoping maybe you could help me out.
Well, sadly, don’t think I’m gonna be able to.
Really?
Oh, that’s, uh… that’s very disappointing.
I’ve come a long way.
No, can’t say he ever gave us any contact information.
You don’t even have his last name?
Been that way since I can recall.
Hey, there, Sandy.
Hey, Herman.
I gotta get this thing out to Palm Beach double-time.
Hold on a sec while I help this gentleman.
Let’s have you leave a message.
Chris comes in every couple of days.
That’s all right.
Say, does, uh, Chris still drive that green Chevy?
Red Ford.
Right.
I meant Ford.
I don’t like duck canvas.
Way too much going on.
Too many sticks. I’m not a fucking tree.
Too puffy.
Tan makes me look fat.
Green is fucking stupid.
Maybe you could give me some idea
of what you’re looking for.
What about that one?
Great coat.
I can see you’re a man who appreciates a quality garment.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Status report.
Getting warmer, so to speak.
I was thinking.
I’m putting a lot into this venture financially,
and I’d like to retain a keepsake.
What did you have in mind?
I want the big man’s head.
That could be problematic.
Are you saying no?
I’m saying that it’s not practical.
Severed heads are fickle.
They rot, they mold, they smell.
It’s a multi-day trip across two international borders and several state lines, which means a sizable cooler, frequent stops and putting myself at considerable risk.
And I don’t do that for anyone.
Then I want his beard.
I’m not shaving off a dead man’s beard.
How about some, uh… some sleigh bells?
No.
Okay. Uh…
What about his coat?
Fine. Bring the coat.
Great.
All right, I gotta go back to work now.
Keep me abreast of your progress.
You fucking prick.
Hey, Sandy. How’s the day?
What’s got you in such a good mood?
Well, I found something I lost.
Hmm.
Uh, it’s too early for all of that.
Well, then what’ll you have?
I just dropped in to say hello.
And if it’s not too much trouble, maybe a glass of milk for the road.
Milk.
Yep.
Want me to warm it up for you?
That’d be nice.
Oh, man.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Herman. How you doing?
I’m good.
Now, Chris, there was a guy in here looking for you.
Oh, yeah?
Out-of-towner.
Ah.
Fancy suit? Government-type?
Couldn’t find his ass in the seat of his pants?
Yep, that’s him.
Yeah, I’m working with him.
That’s what he said.
Hmm. Well, thanks, Herman.
You have a good one.
You, too, Chris.
Is Captain Jacobs down below?
Yes, sir, he is.
“We’d like to extend our sincerest apologies.
Christine Crawford has admitted she cheated.
Enclosed is the award for first place.”
Fuck.
I’m actually looking forward to seeing my ex-wife.
What?
Yeah, I think we’re gonna get back together.
You’re brave, man.
Yeah.
What the hell was that?
It’s a ski.
Dennis.
How’d it go?
I got it.
How’s that knittin’ going?
Done.
Well, it seems like an opportune time
to try it out, don’t you think?
Right now?
Why not?
Got some heft.
Ah.
Now…
Ooh.
Ah.
Fine work.
A slight miscalculation.
Probably a little stress-knitting.
Oh, we always wanted a bigger bed.
There’s the man I married.
Ruthie, I want to apologize.
I lost perspective and lately, I’ve been a little…
self-absorbed and not much of a partner to you.
There’s been a lot of talk about quitting,
and, well, that’s not who we are.
Or, it’s not who I am and…
I’m sorry.
We’ve been at this a long time, love.
This isn’t easy.
We knew it wouldn’t be when we started.
I guess I just let it get away from me.
Then let’s take it back.
We need to do that.
You found me.
This is Captain Jacobs, over.
What can I do for you, Captain?
I just followed up with the brass on your supply requests.
Had them put a double-time on it.
Good.
Say again?
Affirmative.
Copy that. Over and out.
Come here.
Why?
Well, maybe I just want to embrace my wife.
Oh, is that all?
Hmm.
What’s wrong with that, Mrs. Cringle?
I thought you wanted me to mend your bag.
Yeah, I do.
But, um, later.
What are you thinking?
I’m thinking,
you know, the good does outweigh the bad.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, uh…
Just take it easy, little fella.
Okay?
That’s not a toy.
You one of Captain Jacobs’s men?
Yes, I am. I’m one of Captain Jacobs’s men.
So put it down on the ground.
Right now.
What’s this?
I have no idea.
What’s going on?
Oh, shit.
Pressure, Henshaw. Press down on it, son.
Where’s Chris?
Shit.
Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on?
They’re shooting.
Who is? The soldiers?
I-I don’t know.
Go. I’m initiating barricade protocol yellow!
Get into the domestic wing!
Go, go, go!
Dobson, McCranie, Phillips.
We are under fire.
Aaron, Sophie, doors, right now.
Stay close.
7, you all get your asses ready to move.
I’m getting you outta here.
Go, go, go!
7! 7!
Get over here! Come on!
7!
7, where are you going?
Oh, what now?
All right. Yeah?
Chris! We’re under attack!
7?
Chris!
I’ll take the Walker too.
Go, go, go, go!
Come on! Come on!
Close the door!
Come on! Go! Go! Go!
Fuck!
That’s enough!
Jonathan Miller.
You twisted child.
And I always thought you forgot about me.
You remember this?
This was the only goddamn thing you ever got me.
After all the times that I wrote you.
I’m sorry, son.
There are limits to what I can do.
I couldn’t replace your parents.
Yeah.
You couldn’t.
Well, here we are.
I’ve come for your head, fat man!
You think you’re the first?
You think I got this job because I’m fat and jolly?
Stop now! Stop!
It’s over.
I’m sorry.
Chris?
Chris, love?
It’s okay. Just try and relax.
Helga!
I’ll be working in my room for the rest of the evening,
so no interruptions.
Yes, Mr. Wenan.
Why are you calling me about this now?
How can there be that much missing?
Oh, I want this tracked.
Find out where it was cashed.
Then check my signatures.
Call the bank. Tell them to keep an eye on all my accounts.
If there’s a rat, I want to snap its little neck.
We’ll see who catches the rat.
Damn it, Helga. I said no interruptions.
Don’t you speak English? I said stay out.
Who the hell are you?
I’m Ruth.
And this is Chris.
Billy.
Well…
I can’t say I’m surprised.
Mmm.
Yeah. Fentanyl.
That’ll get the job done.
This is partly my fault.
You know, I just haven’t quite been myself lately, have I, dear?
Mm-mmm.
But the time has come to turn things around.
I’ve decided to be proactive.
And it starts with you.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow.
Now look at me, child.
I said look at me.
A wicked soul bent on bloodshed
was sent to collect my head.
Like you, he thought he lived outside of morals and consequence.
He is now buried with his lack of reverence.
One more time, Billy Wenan, once more, and you’ll be getting more than coal in your stocking.
If your grandmother meets an early grave, if Christine Crawford suffers so much as a cold, if anybody that crosses your path is made to feel less or lower because of you…
I’m coming back.
I’ll come while you sleep and rip you from your covers.
By my hand, you will know the consequence of your actions.
So don’t screw it up.
The fat man’s got his eye on you, kid.
Mmm.
Why don’t you all take 15?
Uh, I’d really rather not.
I wasn’t asking.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, 7, it’s never argue with a woman gifting cookies.
Oh, I’ll tell the crew we’re on a break.
Yeah. I’ll take one of those, if you don’t mind.
Aren’t you supposed to be taking it easy?
I am.
We’ll have this place up in no time, bigger and better than before.
And we’re gonna keep it that way.
We are.
Lovely.
