The Family Plan (2023) | Transcript

A former top assassin living incognito as a suburban dad must take his unsuspecting family on the run when his past catches up to him.
The Family Plan (2023) Mark Wahlberg and Michelle Monaghan

Title: The Family Plan
Release Date: December 15, 2023
Runtime: 1 hour 59 minutes
Genre: Action/Comedy
Director: Simon Cellan Jones
Production Companies: Apple Original Films, Skydance, Municipal Pictures
Distribution: The film is available to watch on Apple TV+
Language: English
Rated PG-13: The film is officially rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and action, sexual material, and some strong language.

Plot Summary: Dan Morgan (Mark Wahlberg), a top-secret assassin living a double life as a suburban dad, finds his carefully constructed world thrown into chaos when his past catches up to him. Former enemies track him down, forcing Dan to pack his unsuspecting wife (Michelle Monaghan), teenage daughter, and 10-month-old baby into their minivan and embark on a spontaneous cross-country road trip to Las Vegas.
As they navigate the highways and face a series of hilarious and perilous situations, Dan must keep his family safe from his pursuers while also trying to hold onto his carefully crafted suburban persona. The family encounters quirky characters, learns valuable lessons about each other, and ultimately discovers the true meaning of family in the face of danger.

* * *

[person] There comes a time in every man’s life when he asks himself…

“Am I living the life I should be?”

“Or am I capable of something greater?”

“Is there a change that I can make in my life right now to become the best version of myself? Who do I wanna be?”

What is the life that I wanna have?

What is the face that I wanna present to the world?

These are the kinds of questions that keep you up at night.

And when you’re behind the wheel of a high-performance automobile like this, no one asks those questions.

They know you are that guy.

You have that life.


[chuckles, smacks lips] Maybe I should look for something less cool.

Can I be honest?

That’s your ex talking.


We gotta get your confidence back.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is never too late to become the man that you’ve always wanted to be.

[manager] Dan! I don’t know how you do it.

Guy looks like he just got himself a Lambo.

Hey, one man’s lemon is another man’s lemonade.

He just needed a squeeze.

Well, it’s earned you Salesman of the Month again.


[engine revs]

[salesman 1] Whoo! Nice!

[tires squeal]

Hey, Deb. Can you take a photo of Dan for the website, please?

Uh, you know what? I actually… [stammers] I’m sorry, I gotta get home.

It’s my anniversary.

Oh, come on, Dan. You do this every time.

[stammers] Give it to Hal.

[Hal] What’s up, losers?

[sighs] Hal, how many times have I told you about driving on the lot like that?

Cars are like chicks, Jorge. They wanna go fast.


Your fly’s open.


Uh, Dan… Uh, come on. Don’t make me give it to this guy.

Oh, come on. I mean, he’s just got his teeth done.


Go get ’em, Hal.

[“Take Me Home, Country Roads” playing]

♪ …road …home… ♪

Hey, Dan.

Hi, Mrs. Overmeyer.

Hey, Daniel.

♪ …Buffalo ♪

Hey, Beau.


[song ends]

[dog barking]

[children playing, indistinct]

[person 2] I told you already, Nina. Stanford is restrictive early action.

If you apply to Iowa now, you could mess it all up.

I know what I’m doing.

Do you? It certainly doesn’t look like it from here.

Happy anniversary! [sighs]

Aw, baby.

You remembered.

[chuckles] Hey. You thought I forgot.

Can you please tell Nina that we’re not paying for her to follow Trevor to Iowa?

Don’t say his name like that.

Like what? [sighs]

[scoffs] Come on.


Max! Crushing the peas.


Ah, that’s a good boy. [kisses]

Hey, buddy.

How was your day?


You got any plans this weekend?


Come on.

We’ll go in the yard, throw a few pitches, see if you got any gas left in this cannon.

Come on, bud.


Where you going?



You made me quit gaming so I’d make friends.

I made you quit gaming because blowing people’s heads off 24-7 isn’t exactly healthy.

You know, you’re meant to be babysitting tonight. It’s our anniversary.

What? Why can’t she?

What, because I’m a woman?

That is not what I’m saying.

That’s what you’re saying to me.

It’s not.

What is wrong with you?

[Nina] Are you kidding?

Is this Trevor? Who’s talking now?

[Nina] Really?

Do you have a life other than just freaking pissing me off?

Is it Nina or Trevor?

[Nina] I’m serious…

All right. Come on. Come on. Stop it, okay? Please.

Look, Nina. Can you cover for your brother tonight?

It might be good for him to finally get out of the house, and you can work on your application.

[sighs deeply]


You’re welcome.

Thank you. [exhales heavily]

[sighs] Look, can you just…

Can you talk to Mom and ask her to, like, lay off of me?

Because I’m a grown woman.

[mother] I heard that, Nina.

I’ll talk to her. But seriously, Beans…

No, don’t call me that.


What happened to journalism at Stanford?

Wasn’t that the dream?

Journalism is dead, Dad.

[mother scoffs] Yeah, right.

Is that something that Trevor said, or…

[scoffs] Yeah, really.

He shouldn’t say that.

[Nina] Really? Yes.

He shouldn’t be putting ideas in your head.

[Nina] I’m brainwashed.

My God. Honey,

I am so glad it’s not just me.

Oh, my gosh.

All right, Maxie.


I’m gonna put him to bed.

And then?

Are we still doing this?

Oh, we’re doing it.


[“Dirty” playing]



Hey, Samir.

Sup, y’all?

Kyllboi’s back, baby.

[Kyle] All right. Here we go.

Come on. Let me show you how it’s done. Watch this.

[chuckles] Give me the last one, guys. Come on. Come on.

Boom! [grunts]


Oh, man. Kyllboi’s awesome.

Kyllboi’s sick.

Oh. We’re actually gonna go as a group, so you can go ahead.

Oh, yeah.


Eighteen years. Can you believe it?

It’s nuts we keep coming back here every year for Twisted Cyclone.

What? No, no. I meant 18 years married.

And I thought you loved this tradition.

I do! I do.

Are you sure?

I did.

I just… I don’t know, you’re such a creature of habit.

I love that about you.

You know, we make, uh, tacos on Wednesdays…

Well, Tuesday, everybody’s doing it.

And we have sex on Thursdays.

If we can get the kids out of the house.

I know.

We gotta get them out more…

I know. No one makes a better…

If we want more time.

…weekly planner than you do, but… [inhales deeply] …I don’t know.

Maybe I just wanna be a little bit more spontaneous and travel, or… I kind of feel like we don’t really go anywhere.

Well, I mean… Well, we got the kids, and they got school, they got routines and friends…

Oh, what friends?

And just all that type of stuff.

Kyle has one friend which, by the way, he never even invites over.

Yeah, but he’s a human with a pulse.

I’ll take it.

[chuckles] God.

Nina’s the one I’m worried about.

I know.

She’s so anti-establishment.


She’s anti the system. She’s anti…

Anti me.

Oh, come on. You know it’s true.

[both sighing]

I’m sorry. Sorry.

No, no, no.

Now’s not the time.

You’re right.

Now is the time to nut up and get ready for the near-death adrenaline rush of Buffalo’s 1998 winner of the fourth-finest roller coaster.

I know. I know. It’s good.

Do you think you can handle it?

Do you think I can still handle it?

[screaming] Baby!

You’re so crazy!

You know I love you!

I love you!

Yeah! [screaming, laughing]

[screams] Whoa!


[Dan] I promise, next year, we’ll go somewhere else.

No. We’ll always have Twisted Cyclone.

No, look. I don’t need to come back here to remember that this is where I fell in love with you…


On our very first date, holding your hair back while you barfed.

[chuckles] I still can’t believe you wanted to kiss me.

I’ll always wanna kiss you.




Mmm. [chuckles]

Hey, hey.

That picture you just took, it was kind of a private moment.

You mind deleting it?

Yeah, I do.

Hey, come on, man. Don’t.

Don’t do that.

[fairgoer grunts]

Hey, come on. Take it down.


Take it down.

Make me.

Hey, Dan. Leave it. Let’s…

Yeah. Listen to your lady, Dan.

Is there a tough guy in there, Dan? Hmm?

Are you a tough guy?

Aw. [chuckles]

[breathing heavily]

Hey, tell me.

How’d a loser like him get a girl as fine as you… probably were?

[fairgoer 1] Oh.



Bye, Dan.

Bye, Dan.


I didn’t want you to fight him.

If I wanted to marry a brawler, I would’ve.

I know you don’t like violence.

It’s not like I care what he said.

[toy chimes]

[Dan] Whoa. What are you doing up?


[sniffs, groans] Oh, you want me to do the thing, huh?


Wait, wait. Go.


[passes gas, babbling]

[Dan grunts, mumbles]

Wipey, wipey.


New record! [chuckles]


[Dan sighs]

Mmm? Oh, shit.


Anniversary sex.


Mmm, I’m awake. I’m awake.

I’m totally awake.

[breathes heavily]

I’m so sorry tonight was a bust.

I’m gonna make it up to you, I promise.

Oh, it’s okay.

[groans, moans]

It’s okay. [moans]

You know what?

I should have kicked that guy’s ass for what he said to you.

[laughing] Oh, God.

You totally could’ve taken him, honey.

[inhales deeply, moans]


Oh, babe.

Sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.


[groans] Can we do this on Thursday?

I’m so tired.

Yeah, sure.

[moans, kisses] I love you.

I love you too.

[upbeat music playing]


Remember to block your faces. You don’t wanna lose them.

[chuckles] Husband or boyfriend?

[pants] Teenage daughter.

Oof. I’m sorry. [chuckles]


[instructor] Okay, guys. Partner up.



[chuckling] Okay.

Cool. [panting]

All right. [grunts]

I’m so bad at this. I… [grunts] I usually take barre, but I couldn’t find one in Buffalo.

No, you’re doing great. Just, uh, keep your fists up.

Where’s home?

Nowhere, everywhere.

I’m… [pants] I’m in the travel business.

Ah. Sounds so nice.

Are you here for work?

No, I’m… I’m here to see my ex.

[instructor] Now swap.

Sorry… [pants] …TMI.

Don’t worry about it. Just take it out on the bag.

That’s what I do. [grunting]


How old is your daughter?




[gasps] Oh, my God.


[chuckles] I am so sorry…

[chuckles] Mmm.

About that again. Ah, how’s it feeling?

Mmm, it’s, um…

No, it’s fine. It’s a story.


I got beat up by a physical therapist at the gym.

[chuckles] God.

You have a mean right hook, by the way.

Oh, thanks.



[smacks lips] Okay. So, where were we?

Three kids…


Three kids. Yeah.

Yeah. Just when I thought I was sending one off to college, um, along came Max.



[sighs] I don’t know.

I don’t know. Sometimes I guess I just feel like I’m a little…

[inhales deeply] I don’t know, trapped?

I know that sounds so awful.


It’s just that, um, Dan, my hu… my husband, I mean, he’s an amazing… he’s an amazing dad, you know?

I guess, uh, he’s just so content being here.

In Buffalo?


Oh, my God. I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to… [smacks lips]


Say it like that. [sighs]

That’s true.

I mean, when we met, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world.

[inhales deeply] But Dan’s… He’s just a total homebody, you know?

He’s so focused on the family, and I do, I love that about him. He’s amazing.

I just wish our lives were… bigger, you know? Just…


I get it.

I’m sorry. Talk about TMI.

[phone chimes]

[chuckles] No, I’ve… I’ve got to catch a flight, as always.


But, listen. If you ever do convince your husband to travel, I promise you, I’m better at my job than I am at kickboxing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[PA jingle plays]

[announcer] Great news.

Today is Half-Price Wednesday…

[Dan] You’re about to go to size 4S, huh?

Are you so big now, huh? How big is Maxie?

So big.

Look at the big muscles.

Wow. Hmm. Okay, hold on.

We’re gonna get this for Mama. And that. And that.

Oh, you wanna get ice cream?

Yeah, I’m gonna get you ice cream.




Yeah. Oh, there it is.

You want this one?

I’ll get you french fries.

[Max babbling]



[panting] Oh, shit.



Oh. I’m so sorry about this, pal.


[grunts, pants]





Hey, asshole.

At least let me put my kid down.



[grunts] Oh, shit.


[gasps] Daniel.

Oh. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Overmeyer.



[Mrs. Overmeyer] Oh, my God!

[store manager] Hey!


[grunting, yells]

I told you to let me put my kid down!




[PA jingle plays]

[pants] I got ’em.

[announcer] Cleaning team to aisle three, please.

[scanner beeps]

Sorry about the mess. [pants]

Th… Thank you for shopping at Fresh, Fresh, Fresh.

[tires squealing]


Hold on. [pants]

Oh. Hey, Beau.

Hey, Dan.

[pants] Have a good one.

[pants] All right.



Shit. The passports are out of date.

[breathes heavily]

From here on in, Daddy’s paying in cash, Maxie.

[babbles, squeals]

[person 3] Hello?

Hey, don’t hang up.

How are you still alive?

Yeah, it’s nice to hear your voice too.

Look, I need new identities. I’m burned. Full packets.

Me, my wife, and three kids.

Three? How did that happen?

Do I really need to explain the birds and the bees right now, Augie, or can we talk business?

Oh, God.

You’ve got some nerve calling me.

McCaffrey scorched the earth looking for you.

Yep. Looks like he’s found me.

[Augie] How?

I don’t know.

Social media, I guess.

You idiot.


I had to leave my life behind.

Now I’m stuck in Tempe, Arizona, making fake IDs for entitled college pricks.

Should I go?

Oh, no. You can stay.

But given you’re trying to look like you’re not in college, maybe try losing the hoodie?

[mutters indistinctly]

Look, I’ll pay you a half a million in cash.

And you get Doris a condo in one of those retirement places.

You know, the ones with the golf carts, the wine and cheese happy hour, mah-jongg at six o’clock?

Leave my mom out of this.

Oh, she’ll love it.

I can sell you out for twice that.

Well, you haven’t in 18 years.

Meet me in Vegas in three days.


[clicks tongue]

I’ll give you a time and a place once I’m on the road.

Vegas? Why Vegas?

I can’t tell my wife I’m taking her on vacation to Tempe, Arizona.

Vegas, I can sell.

You haven’t told them? Are you mental?

What, do you think it’s that easy? What am I meant to do?

Sit them down and tell them the whole story over French toast?

Oh, hey, kids. You know what? Pass the maple syrup. By the way, your dad was a government assassin.

I’ll tell them when I’m on the road and safe. Three days, Augie.

Chess club.

[exhales heavily]

[breathes heavily] All right, come on.

[tires squeal]

[school bell rings]

Where’s Nina? [panting]

Nina’s not the editor anymore. She quit.

What? When?

Three months ago.

So, where is she now?

I don’t know.

[sighs] All right, look.

I’ll give you 50 bucks for your best guess of where Nina is.

I’m a journalist. I don’t give people up.


Try under the bleachers. [sighs]

That’s what I thought.

I wrote my college essay on how universities propagate systemic racism, and my mom shot it down.


I was like, “Hello, that’s how change happens.”

And she goes, “No, that’s how community college happens.”


[Dan] Nina.

Dad, what are you doing here?

This is a safe space. He can’t just come in here.

Your dad’s hot.

Okay, Kelly. That’s gross.


You’re meant to be in an editorial meeting.

Yeah, I am. I… I was.


You quit three months ago.

How could you do that? You worked so hard to become editor.

[scoffs] You don’t even read my stuff.

Of course I do.

I always do.

Yeah. Bullshit.

You know what? I don’t have time for this. Where’s the chess club?

We need to find your brother.

Can’t you tell me what’s going on?

Nothing. I… I have a surprise for the family, okay?

What’s the surprise?

Where is the chess club?


It’s in the math building.

Thank you, Kelly. [sighs]

Dad, wait.

What now?

[sighs] He’s not there.

Stay in the car.

Oh, no. Forget it. I am not missing this.

Missing what?

Nothing. [grunts]

[Kyle] Go, go, go, go, go.


[Dan] Are you Samir?


I’m Kyle’s dad. Is he here?

[cans clatter]

What happened to chess club?

Um… [stammers] It was canceled today.

Right… Right, Samir?

You don’t pay me to lie.

You pay him?

No, I… [stammers]

[stammers] Um, you don’t need to… It’s…

I… I can explain.

[Dan] Get in the car.

I… [sighs]

Get in the car.

[Dan] Let’s go now.


[Kyle] Traitor.

[Nina] So, what’s the big surprise?

We’re going on a trip.

Oh, I actually have plans this weekend, so I…

You’re very grounded, both of you.



Look, we’re going up there to get your mom.

You two are gonna show her nothing but excitement for this trip, or I’m gonna tell her that you’ve been lying to us, and you know how that’s gonna go down.

Where are we even going?

[mother] Vegas?

We’re going to Las Vegas today?

Well, you said you wanted…


To be more spontaneous.

I heard you. And Jorge said I could take a few days off.

Is Jorge the one that does…

[Kyle grunting]

hydromassages on Tuesdays?

No, Mrs. Kessler. Jorge is Dan’s boss.

Is Dan giving me a hydromassage?

No, Mrs. Kessler.

There’s no massages today.

No. The kids have a long weekend, and they’re pumped. Right, guys?

Guys, tell your mom how pumped you are for this trip.

Whoo! Yes!

Oh, so pumped.

Dan, we can’t just up and go to Vegas.

I mean… And why Vegas?

I know it’s not Europe, but there’s a Venice and an Eiffel Tower.

You know what? I bet you we can get last-minute Adele tickets.

You love Adele.

[sighs deeply] You love Adele.

Of course I love Adele. Who doesn’t love Adele?

I love Adele.

Everybody loves Adele.

She’s got the voice of a freaking angel.

Come on, Jess. What is holding us back?

Who are you? I mean, I don’t even recognize you. [chuckles]

Well, you’re gonna love him. He’s crazy in bed.

Oh. Oh.

[gasps] Ooh.

Are you sure it’s not Tuesday?

You deserve a break. And I think this could be really good for us as a family.

And we’re driving there?

Well, nothing brings a family together like a road trip.

But we gotta go now. [stammers] Before the traffic gets bad.

And Mrs. Kessler, I’m so sorry. You keep working on those deltoids, okay?

Thanks, Jorge.

What about our stuff?

I mean, I need to pack, the baby. It’s…

Oh, no, no, no.

I got all the basics packed already. Yeah. When we get there, we’re gonna use the money that we saved on flights to go all Pretty Woman in those fancy hotel boutiques…


…that smell like leather and patchouli.


And guess who’s got no budget? You get whatever you want.

[exhales heavily]

[sighs deeply] Okay. Oh, this is totally crazy.

Dan, this is crazy.

I know. It’s crazy.

Oh, my God.

We’re gonna get crazy.

We’re going to Vegas!

[Jess] Do we have snacks?

[Dan] Let’s just get out there on the road, and then we can make a stop and…

I think I’m gonna take a shortcut. Save us a little bit of time.

[Jess] What?

Go, go, go!

Whoa. Shit.

It’s a shortcut. You never take Elmwood?



[Dan] All right. We’re off.

[Max babbling]

Hey, Maxie.

First road trip.


[chuckles] Max, you excited?

Five hours on a plane, or 33 hours in a car?

I choose 33 hours.


[Jess] Da!

Honey, you remembered my boots!



I can’t believe that.

[Jess] Whoa. Jesus.

Oh, my God. Jesus. Dad.

Easy there, lead-foot.

Sorry about that.

Think a squirrel or something jumped out in front of me.


[tires squealing]

Oh, my God.

Where on earth are you taking us?

What? Oh, no. This is a shortcut, honey.

You never take it?


He’s tracking us.

[Jess] Huh?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, honey.

[laptop beeping]

Uh, you know what? Actually, I… I gotta… [sighs]

stop and check something at work real quick.

[remote beeps]

Is that Hal?

[Dan] Yeah. He’s got a new mustache.

You work with that guy?

[Dan] It will just be a second.

I think there’s a service area to the right.

All right. If you guys just give me a second, I’ll be right there.

Dad, what the hell?

Language, Nina.

Dan, what the hell?

Oh, well, we’re driving 2,000 miles.

We’ve gotta change the oil, check the coolant, pop a little extra air in the tires.

I’d hate to be halfway across the desert and wish we’d checked that coolant, right?

Can we not be in the car for it?

Okay, he’s stopped. He’s right ahead of us.

[tools whirring]


[tracker] He should be here.

[sighs] Hey, guys. Just, uh, ha… hang in there for a minute.

[Jess] Dan?

[Kyle] Mom, when we’re in Vegas, can I go to HyperX?

No, you’re not going to a strip club.

It’s not a strip club.

Why are you laughing?

You’re not gambling, Nina.


Do you have a fake ID?

I… I’m not… I’m not being… No.


[pop music playing]

[Dan] Hey, Hal. Nice wheels.

She just come in?


I was thinking about opening her up a little bit.

Oh, man. I tell you what. She wants to go fast.

Cars are like chicks, man.

Yes! Right.

Get her on the freeway.

You open her up. And you get a ticket, it’s on me.

Oh, I got him. He’s on the move. He’s heading west.

Hey, guys.


[Dan] We’re ready.

Are we going to Vegas, or are we just gonna live up here?

We’re on our way, honey. [chuckles]


[“Ready Set Go” playing]

Honey, aren’t your feet cold?

I don’t care. I am on vacation.

What are you doing?

[chuckles] I’m posting about our trip.

Look, do we really need to be posting and tweeting and TikToking?

In my day, road trips were all about interaction.

No, Dad. Please. I can’t deal with a dad lecture right now.

You literally don’t even know how to text, so your opinion doesn’t count.

I’m serious. This should be a device-free vacation, okay?

Give them up, now.

Wh… What?

[Dan] Seriously.

[Jess] What?

Give it up. Now.

Jess, a little help?

Okay, you heard him. Hand ’em over.

Yours too.

All right. Mine too. All of us, okay? Solidarity! Bye!

[all] No!



[Jess shouting]

[Nina] No, no, no. Dad.

No way you just did that. What?

Oh, my God, Dad.

I’ve just freed our family from the shackles of technology with a flick of my wrist. Just like that.

[Kyle] Stop the car.

And trust me, it’s gonna bring us all closer together. Just you wait.

You’ve lost your mind.

[Jess] Oh, my God.

Whatever. I’ll just buy myself a new one.

What, like you buy your friends?

Look, Samir is a business associate.

Oh, yeah.

Look. At least they’re talking.

[Nina] Do you wanna tell Mom and Dad about all your business endeavors?

I don’t give a…

I’ve got a question for you, Mr. Spontaneous.

Without our phones, how are we gonna know where we’re going?

If this is a joke, it’s not funny.

It’s not a joke. We’re going on a family road trip. We need maps.

Dude, why don’t you just, like, you know… [imitates beeping]

Yeah, Dad. Why?

Because he was trying to promote familial bonding…

[Jess] Mm-hmm.

Through the forcible

removal of technology.

Look, I need travel help. Isn’t this what you do?

[sighs] Not for a long time.

What’s, uh… What’s your destination?

Uh, Las Vegas. [sighs]

I’m also going to need help with some reservations, if that’s not too much of an inconvenience for you.

Okay. Ah, okay. Here you go.

All right.


I’m gonna need a credit card.

You know what? Here’s my membership card.

I think you’ll see I’ve got a few rewards points there.

[chuckles] That’s not really how it works.

It’s like a whole thing.

Oh, I get it.

Maybe with all those points, I don’t even need a credit card.

[“Ice Ice Baby” playing]

What do you think, Levon? Are we good?

How many points do we have?

Looks like you are platinum elite superior diamond members.

[chuckles] And I would love to help you today.


[both] ♪ Stop, collaborate and listen ♪

♪ Ice is back with a brand-new invention ♪

♪ Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly ♪

♪ Will it ever stop? Yo ♪

♪ I don’t know Turn off the lights and… and I’ll glow ♪

♪ To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal ♪

Please stop. Can someone unlock the car?

♪ A chump like a candle ♪

♪ Deadly ♪

[Jess] Say, “Ooh.”


It’s pretty impressive, huh?

How good is Mom?

[both] ♪ …problem, yo, I’ll solve it ♪

♪ Check out the hook While the DJ revolves it ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪

Come on, guys.

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪

What is “ice, ice, baby”?

Call in everybody.

The Swedes, Gunther, Spiros.

I want ’em found.

Well, there’s no hits on their cards.

Must be using cash.

I’ve been tracking their socials, but nothing so far.

Must have turned their phones off.

Hey, his kid’s a gamer called Kyllboi.

He’s pretty good.

[boss] Get eyes on the road, and find that minivan.

You got it, boss.

Be tough for him to switch cars without tipping off the family.

What makes you think they don’t know?

They’re still with him.

Look at you. You’re in withdrawal.

Can you really not go, like, one day without blowing people’s brains out?

I have a brand to manage.

A desensitized cog in the violence-obsessed capitalist machine is a brand?

Oh, good. Trevor’s here.

[stammers] Do you even remember what your own personality is like?


You used to be cool.

Do I know you?

[stammers] I don’t think so.

Well, yeah. I’ve seen you on Twitch.

You’re the guy who took down Synapse live on his own stream!

You’re Kyllboi. Right?

[stammers] You know about that?

Yeah. Dude, that was badass.


Can I get a picture?

Um, uh, sure.


Jess… [sighs] …I don’t know how to tell you this, but when we get to Vegas, we’re not coming home.

[inhales deeply] The truth is, I haven’t been completely hon…

[inhales shakily] The truth is, when we met…

[toilet flushes]

Before I met…

All right, here we go. We’ve got rooms 152 and 153.

Oh, can I get, uh, four of those disposable cameras too, please?


Here you go.

Thank you. Keep the change.

Thank you.

[fan] You’re awesome, dude. For real.

[chuckles] I mean, thank you.

I mean, this is… this is literally the worst ever… [chuckles]

[Max babbles]

[Jess] I’m gonna get you.

[gasps] I’m gonna get you!

[Dan] All right. Here, kiddo. Go make some memories.

Yeah, I’m… I don’t know, this is… It’s just a weird experience for me.

[fan] That’s so cool I ran into you.

Look at your brother. He’s made a friend.

[fan] Uh, can you do the thing?

Uh, yeah.

[shutter clicking]

Awesome. Thanks, Kyllboi.

Thank you.

Hey, what was all this about?

That’s a really good question.

What was that about?

Yeah, and who’s Kyllboi?

[Kyle] Um…

[Nina] You know, that sounds familiar.

I feel like I know who that is.

That’s… [stammers]

[stammers] No one.

It’s nothing.

Oh, my God.

It’s not important.

He’s Kyllboi.

It’s his gamer tag. He never quit gaming.

He thinks he’s, like, famous or something now.

[Max babbles]


Big boy! [gasping]


[gasping] Da?

Is she gonna post that picture?

Um, prob… probably, yeah.

[Jess] Hey!

Did you get some rooms?

Uh, no. They’re all booked. We gotta keep going.

[Jess] Really?

[Dan] Yeah.


[in Swedish] It’s them.

Let’s go.


[FM radio host speaking, in English]

[“Only Time” playing]


[screams, grunts]


[babbles, chuckles]








[brakes squealing]





[Max chuckles]

What was that?

Hey, honey.

Just a little bit of a pothole there.

Max, did you see that? That guy was flying.





[gasps] Oh, my God.


Oh, my God.

[babbles, laughs]

[Jess] Where are we?

[Dan] Iowa.

[Jess] Iowa?

[Dan] Yeah.

Wait. Did you drive all night?

Well, what can I say?

I was so damn excited… [inhales sharply] …I couldn’t sleep.

I mean, I kept getting second winds. More like fifth winds.

And then, before you know it, bam.


We’re in Iowa City.

That’s not a real cow, honey.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Did you just say we’re in Iowa City?

Oh, my God.

[Dan] Yes, honey.

That means we’re like… we’re literally, like, half an inch from SIU.

We can… We can stop and…

[groans] We are not gonna stop and see Trevor, okay?


[Nina] Actually,

I meant that I wanted to see campus, but whatever.

Oh. Right. ‘Cause you’re really interested in seeing the facilities.

Yeah. Actually, I am.

Are you serious?

Are we gonna argue about this? About you following a boy to college?

I’m not following a boy to col…


[Jess] You’re gonna go for three months…


It’s the college that I want to go to.

Obviously, I would want to go see the campus.

[Jess] Why do you wanna go?

[Nina] We’re so far from home.

This place is gorgeous.

How could you not want me to come here?

[scoffs, chuckles] I cannot believe that you are encouraging this.

Look, it wouldn’t hurt for us to be off the road for a bit.

Besides, I mean, maybe if we want her to listen to us, we gotta start listening to her more.

Let her look around. It’s safe, nice.


And besides, it’ll… it’ll give us a chance to talk.

[marching band playing music]

Okay. You wanna find out what college life is really about?

Hmm? Follow me.

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Ah! This takes me back.

It’s like a toxic masculinity convention.

[groans] It’s called school spirit, Nina.

Yeah, okay. You’re not the one who’s gonna get flipped over in a porta-potty.


Well, it’s pretty festive. Do you like it?

Yeah. It’s cool.


Hey, sexy. You want me to show you how to do a keg stand?


Oh, ew.

Sorry. I didn’t realize you were… a mom. [chuckles]


Do you mind?

Okay. Here you go.

[Dan stammers]


[chuckling] Oh, my God.

Yo! Come through. She’s gonna do it.

Mom. Mom. Mom!



I can’t…

[Jess] Mm-mmm.



Beer me!

[student 2] Come on! Yeah!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

[students whistling, clamoring] Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug!


Whoo! Whoo!

[students cheering]


Don’t you ever try anything like that.

[Nina] Mom, that was…

that was awesome, actually. I… [chuckles, stammers]

“Beer me”?

[chuckles] Mmm.

Let’s get, uh, out of here before I get too competitive and start kicking ass at beer pong.

Oh, my God.

I wonder what that looks like.

[tour guide] I hope you all enjoyed seeing the library.

First time for me too. [laughs]

Hey, guys. Look. There’s a tour.

[tour guide] And you know…

Let’s slip in the back and pretend like we were a part of the group all along.

Do we have to?

[Dan] Yeah.

We’re here to support your sister.

If you’re questioning that, you get to strap on Max.

Let’s go.

Next up,

we’ll head on over to visit our state-of-the-art athletic facilities.

[Nina] I’m sorry that I ratted you out.

It’s just, it drives me crazy that you get away with so much, and I get yelled at constantly just because you guys don’t get Trevor.

[stammers] We get Trevor.

We don’t like Trevor.


Ever since you’ve been dating him, you’ve been like a completely different person.

I liked you better before.

Plus, he… he treats you like shit. You deserve more.

Is that… Is that, like, genuine concern for my feelings?

No. God, no. Gross.


I wonder what’s going on in your mind.


It’s just… I don’t know.

Another blast from the past.

Oh. You think you can still do it?

No. Not unless I wanted to end up in the hospital.

It’s just… [inhales sharply] It’s funny to think how different my life would be if I hadn’t torn my ACL.

Well, do you want it to be different?

No. God, no.

It’s just… [inhales sharply] You know, it’s just strange.

You’ve never even met that version of me.

You just know Jessica, the physical therapist.

Well, I love every version of you.


Yeah. Especially that keg stand one.

It was so freaking hot.



Oh, my God.

Did you ever have sex on the pole-vault mat?

[gasps] Uh…

Don’t answer that. Oh, my.

[chuckles] God.

You have been acting so weird this whole trip.

But I gotta tell you, I’m kind of into spontaneous Dan.

Well, you know, Jess. I mean, we all have different versions of ourselves.

And sometimes, you just…


That guy with the gold chain.


He wasn’t with the group before.


What’s he doing?


[Gold Chain speaks German]

Well, they grow up fast, huh? Which one is yours?

My daughter is back in Stuttgart.

I look at school for her.

Wow. That’s a hike.

[Gold Chain] I have business here.

[tour guide] Chemistry, astronomy, astrophysics…

Hey, you mentioned having business in Iowa.

What business would that be?



That’s what’s in the case?

[in German] Of course.

[in English] Oh. Ladies.

[group member] Thanks.

After you.

No, I insist.


Oh. Hey, honey.



I’m just getting to know this fella here. All the way from Stuttgart, Germany.


You know, I had a pen pal

from Stuttgart back in high school.

I even learned a little German.

[in German] Nobody needs to know.

If you want to speak about what’s in the case,

it will stay between us.

[laughing, in English] What did you just say?

“Where’s the discotheque?”

[laughs] Right. Okay. [laughs]

Don’t worry, honey. We’ll catch up, okay?

[Jess] All right, honey.

[in German] Goodbye, my love.


[in English] Fine. You wanna dance.

Let’s see what’s in the case.

What the hell is that?

Heirloom corn.

I thought I made this clear.

So, you’re just German?

[in German] Yes, exactly.

[in English] Oh, shit. [grunts]


[both grunting]



Biology labs are over there.

Where’s Dad?

[tour guide] Physics labs are down there.

He’s talking to some German guy.

We have our chemistry labs right here.



[blinds clatter]

Never a dull moment in the labs. [laughs] Moving on.

Let me show you the biggest Van de Graaff generator in the Midwest.

[Jess] Mmm.

[Dan groans]


[grunts, groans]




[grunting, groaning]

[breathes heavily]

[tour guide] So, I hope you’ve all enjoyed this tour of our wonderful campus.

I know I have.

Hey. It’s getting late, huh?


We should probably get back on the road.


Where’s Nina?

Oh. I said she could go say hi to Trevor.

It felt cruel to deny her.

[breathes deeply] It’s okay.

She’ll be back soon.


Yeah. No. I-I’m not worried at all.

[breathes shakily] Okay.

[Trevor] Go away, Josh.

It’s me.

[laughs, stammers] Me who?

Uh, Nina.

[whispers] Oh.

Hey. What are you doing here?

[stammers] It’s, like, a really long story.

But, um, can I come in?


[stammers] You know what?

Give me just one sec, and I’ll throw on some pants, and me and you can grab a matcha.

[gasps] Oh, my God.


Oh, my God.

Hang on a second.

Oh, my God. You’re… You’re cheating on me.

[stammers] Monogamy is just a construct of our Western repressive civilization.

[Nina] Oh, my God.

[Trevor stammers] I thought we were on the same page on that.

[Jess] All right.

Honey, what happened?

He’s an asshole. That’s what happened.

“Monogamy is just a construct”… Who even says that?


[sighs] Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.

Can we just go?

Ah, that’s a great idea, honey. Let’s go.


Hey, Beans.

Look, I’m sorry. [stammers] You know, when I was your age, I…


You don’t need another dad lecture, do you?

[breathing heavily]

Hey, Beans.

You ever hear of Kyusho Jitsu?

Kyusho what? [breathes heavily]

Kyusho Jitsu.

It’s a 13th-century martial art that uses pressure points to inflict extreme pain without permanent damage.

[stammers] How do you even know about that?

Well, maybe there’s more to your old man than you thought.

[inhales sharply]

Nina, you gotta let go of these stereotypical…

[groans, cries]


[groans, crying]

[Nina] How was that for “stereotypical,” you unbearably pompous, bloviating piece of sanctimonious shit?

[crying, groaning]


[shutter clicks]

You deserve more.

[Trevor groaning]

[Nina cackles]


[Max babbles]

What did you say to her?

It was just a dad lecture.

[groans] God. [sighs]


What happened to the mirror?


[Jess] The mirror.

Oh. You didn’t hear that?



It was a semi. It went flying by. The guy must have been doing a hundred.

And rocks just come…

[stammers] …spitting out of the tire.

[Jess] Jesus.

One hit there. It almost hit the windshield.

[bag pops]

What the…


We got him.

We really got you.

You were so scared.

[kids laughing]

So, did you, um… did you tell Mom that I quit the paper?

No. Did you want me to?

I was kidding.

[laughs] No. I… I…

I was just kind of thinking about maybe getting my position back.

Yeah? That’s cool.

[stammers] Only do it if you want to.

I gotta tell you, Beans.

You’ve got a hell of a voice, and it deserves to be heard.

Hey. No BS. All right?

I’m serious. That piece you wrote about pervasive corruption in the Board of Education… [inhales sharply] My God.

I got chills. [sighs]

[stammers] You actually read that?

Of course I did.

Come on. I’m your biggest fan, Beans.

Always have been, and I always will be.

And so is your mom.

And so are your brothers.

Max just hasn’t told you yet.

Oh, a smile.

Wow. Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

[laughs] No, I didn’t.

That was… No.

[Dan chuckles]

I mean it. I’m proud of you.


Mmm. Max is fed and settled in the kids’ room.

I am so ready for a real bed.





Hey now.


You wanna lose that?



Oh. Wait.

[breathes heavily] It’s not Thursday.

[breathes heavily]

Mmm. [moans] Mmm. Okay.


[moans, breathing heavily]

Fuck. [moans, sighs]

Mmm. [breathing heavily]



[sighs] Wow.


What was that?

[chuckles] Oh, that felt like… That felt…

[sighs] That was long overdue.

That was… [whimpers, laughs]

That’s what that was.

That felt, uh…

Mmm. [kisses]

[sighs] That felt different.

Different good, I hope.

Different like…

I was cheating on Dan with other Dan.

Whoa! That different. Oh. Mmm.

[laughs] No. I mean… No. It was…

Don’t get me wrong. That was so hot. That was like…

What got into you?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s being away, or…

maybe it was seeing you upside-down on that keg shouting, “Beer me!”


Is this what you used to be like?

Other Dan.

Did you change because of me?


Look, I changed because I didn’t like who I was back then.

Then I met you.

Then I became a dad.

[inhales sharply] And for the first time in a long time, I felt good.

I just took it too far.

I got too comfortable. Too safe.


And that probably came across as boring…

Well… and maybe neglectful… for what it’s worth… and I’ll never do that again.

I really like both Dans.

Do you?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, I’m already here, so…

Mmm. How convenient. [laughs]


[phone ringing]


[Dan] Augie? We’re on track tonight.

Aria bar, 6:00 p.m. Do you have everything?

Some of my finest work. If I may say so.

What, better than that passport that got me cavity searched in Bogotá?

You’re never gonna let me forget that, are you?

Yeah, sure. The day I forget the snap of that latex glove.

Have you told them yet?

I’m working on it, all right?

It’s not exactly easy to work into a conversation.

You know, they might think that something is up when they have to change their name and leave the country.

What are you waiting for?

I said I’m working on it, Augie. All right? Give me a break.

[bells on door jingling]

Look, Jess. [exhales deeply]

There’s something that I need to tell you.

About the other Dan.

[sighs] The Dan I was before we met.

Dad? Who you talking to?

Nobody. Sit down.

Girls aren’t ready yet.

So, Kyllboi, huh?


Why didn’t you tell us?

[stammers] I knew you’d never get it, that you’d just freak out and ban me for even longer.

Here you go.

I wasn’t trying to punish you, you know.

We just wanted you to have other interests.

Make some friends. Be a little bit more normal.

I… I have friends. Okay? Thousands of them.

People like me when I’m Kyllboi, okay?

I… I like me.

But when I’m Kyle, I-I’m too shy to talk to girls.

You know, I’m… I’m… I’m not good enough to make the baseball team.

I-I’m a nobody. [chuckles]

But when I’m Kyllboi, I’m good, Dad.

Like… Like pro-level good.

[stammers] Look, okay.

I… I know you think it’s all just a waste of time, but it takes brains and… and reflexes.

Th… The Air Force recruits gamers.

Yeah. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.

[stammers] Let me show you.

Show me what?

[Kyle] What I can do.

Laser tag?


You can’t be serious.

Single combat, okay? I-I-If I win, I get to start gaming again.

If you win, the ban remains.

What, I don’t get anything?

[stammers] Okay, fine. What do you want?

A catch. Like we used to.

You and me in the backyard, throwing a ball every day for six months.

[laughs] Dad, I’m… I’m not 12.

Well, you’re gonna smoke me anyway. Right, Mr. Brains and Reflexes?

Fine. Good luck.

You are so screwed.

[sighs] Let’s go.

[employee] You’re green. You’re blue.

Once you’re hit, you’re out for five seconds.

First one to three kills, wins.

You just pull the trigger?

[automated voice] Death match. Prepare yourself.

Three, two, one, fight.

Go easy on me, buddy.

Dad. Come on. I’ll give you a free one, yeah?

All right.


[automated voice] First blood.

[Dan] Oh, I got lucky there.

All right. That’s one.


How are you doing this?

No, no, no. No, don’t… [sighs]

Hey, Kyllboi. I thought you wanted to play laser tag, not hide-and-seek.


Oh, you sneaky little shit. [chuckles] You’re getting pretty good at this, Kyle.


[sighs] Well, at least I don’t need a DNA test.

[automated voice] Sudden death.


[automated voice] Game over.

[Dan] Kyle, come on. Don’t be mad.

You conned me.

You’re a… a laser tag savant.

No. I was a kid in the ’80s.

Yeah, like there were lasers back then.

Come on, pal. You were good in there.

You adapted quickly. You got creative.

You almost had me.

And I gotta admit, I really enjoyed doing that with you.

I mean, it meant a lot to me.

Are we good?

Come on. Give me some love.

Real love. Yeah.


Not bad for an old man, huh?

Uh, yeah. For sure.

Hey. What do you say, mamacita?

Home stretch. You ready?

[Jess] Vegas!

[Nina] Are you ready?


[Dan] Maxie.

[“Home” playing]

[mouthing words] I love you.

[mouthing words] I love you.

[mouthing words] It’s amazing.

[all] ♪ Oh, home ♪

♪ Let me come home ♪

♪ Home is wherever I’m with you ♪

♪ Oh, home, let me come home ♪

♪ Home is wherever I’m with you ♪

[Dan] Vegas!

[Nina] Whoo!

[Kyle] Yeah!

[Jess] Donny Osmond.


[Jess] Oh, my gosh.

[Dan] Well, look at this. We got a spot.

How about that?


[Nina] This is so cool.

[Kyle laughs] Look at this place!

[Jess] Dan, the floors are so shiny.

[chuckles] This is all ours?

Oh, my God.

[Dan] Oh, wow.

“Enjoy the suite for which every possible promotion has been applied.

You have a 7:00 p.m. reservation at La Maison D’Or.

Thank you for being exceptional members. Levon.” How nice.

[gasps] What?


[Nina] Yep.

You have to look at this tub.

I gotta run downstairs for a sec. Don’t let them raid the minibar, okay?

[Jess chuckles]

[Nina laughs]

That is not mini. [laughs]

[laughs] Oh, my God.

[inhales sharply, sighs] Oh, my God. Yes!


Look at you, playing the family man.

I’m not playing. This is my life.


You see any sign of trouble on your way in?


Me neither.

I mean, I messed up, stopping in Iowa, but I think we’re in the clear.

Well, then enjoy your last night as Dan Morgan, my friend.

I’ve got you on a flight to Vancouver in the morning under your new identities.

Hey. You’re a lifesaver, Augs. Thank you.

Try to get out of Vegas with some of it, huh?

I promise nothing.


How did the family take the news?

I haven’t told them yet. I’m telling Jess at dinner.

I suggest a Japanese restaurant.


No knives. [laughs]



Wow. You look incredible.


[laughs] I know.

Wow! What a lucky guy I am.



Come on.

[Jess sighs]

Hey. All right. You two are on Max.

You’re not to leave this suite under any circumstance.

There’s food in the supersized minibar. You do not open that door for anyone.

You got it?

[Kyle] Got it.

[Dan] What about you, Maxie?


[Jess] You got it? [inhales sharply]

[Dan] Yeah? All right. Have fun. Be good.

[Jess giggles]

[door opens, closes]

Screw that, right?

Oh, yeah.

[inhales deeply] Ready?


Let’s go.




[vocalizes] Excited.

[“Chaise Longue” playing]

[chuckles, gasps] Wow.

Hey, let’s go to HyperX. I wanna see the esports arena.

No way. No, no. I’m not spending my time in an arena full of Kyles. I’m not going.

Sucks to suck. Me and Max are going.

Ugh. [laughs]

[Kyle] Hello, Elvis.

[Elvis impersonator] Uh-huh.


[no audible dialogue]




[Nina] Whoo!

All right. I think it’s just down here. You’re gonna love it.

I already hate it.

[spectators cheering, whistling]

[announcer] Welcome to the HyperX Arena. Five minutes until our final round.

This is sick.

Smells like your room on steroids.


That’s Ren.

Hi. Sorry. Uh, big fan. [chuckles]

Thanks. Wait. You’re, um…


Yeah. I’ve seen your streams.

Thanks. [laughs]


Do you wanna meet Valkyrae and the others?

[chuckles] Hell yeah.

Okay. I have a gift for you.

[groans] Okay.

Take him.


Thank you very much. [breathes deeply]


[breathes deeply] To us.


[inhales sharply] I can’t believe we actually did it.

We’re here.


We’re here.


Look, Jess…


There’s something I need to tell you.

Hang on.

Come here.


Oh, my God.

[chuckles] Mmm.

Thank you.

You don’t have to thank me.

[stammers] Sorry. I interrupted.

No, no, it’s okay. It’s just… The reason that we came on this trip…

[speaks French]


[inhales sharply] What I was saying was…

[server, in French] Would you like some pepper?

I don’t want pepper.

I want to be alone with my wife.

[in English] Oh. I don’t actually speak French.

They just teach us enough to sound fancy.

[speaking French]

[stammers] I’ll give you a minute.

You speak French too?

I… I… I took some French back in the day.

It’s literally kind of weird that you’ve never mentioned to me

that you speak two foreign languages.


How good are you?

[in French] I don’t know, it has been a while.

I have traveled around the world.

Despite that, it’s hard to tell you the truth.

I’m afraid to break your heart.

I don’t know if you will still love me… once you know who I truly am.

I’m sorry that you’re being pulled into this… but I swear on my life… that I’ll never let any person… hurt you or the kids.

[in English] That was crazy sexy.

Why does everything sound so much better in French?

Well, it’s an innately melodic language.

At some point, you and I are gonna have to talk about why you never told me you can do that.

I mean, it’s crazy you didn’t tell me.


We should also… [chuckles] …talk about how insane you’ve been acting ever since you showed up and whisked us off to Vegas.

But right now… right now, I just wanna be here with you.

I wanna be eating this amazing food, and drinking this champagne we can’t afford, and enjoying each other’s company, and just maybe… showing that ridiculous hotel suite some moves it has never seen before.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty perfect night.

[Valkyrae] What rank are you?

Um… Uh, Ascendant 3.

Damn. Really? That’s better than him.

[stammers] That’s incredible.


Oh, my.

How long you been playing for?

Um, I mean, since the game came out.

It’s cool your brother’s Kyllboi.

[scoffs] Is it?

Yeah. He’s the real deal.

Um, so, is this your…

[scoffs] No. Oh, God. No. No, no, no.

I found him. Just over there.

Over there?

Yeah. [laughs]

Just hanging out?

It’s time for the finals.

[crowd cheering, clapping]

Team Valkyrae and Team iiTzTimmy onto the stage!

[chuckles] Hey, let’s go.

Use Kyllboi.

Are you up for it?

[laughs] The… The finals?

Yeah, this is one of those moments, man. Are you in or out?

[stammers, laughs] In.

Let’s go. Yeah.

Okay. [chuckles]

Don’t be nervous.

It’ll be a piece of cake. [laughs]

[Kyle] Thanks.

Hey, that was kind of cool of you.

[grunts] Not really. They’re gonna get destroyed.



What’s up, everyone?

Take a seat, Kyllboi, right next to me.




[crowd cheering]

Do you have ammo?

I’m gonna try and block us off real quick.

Above here.

Let’s go.

Good job.

Okay. Next.

[roulette dealer] No more bets.

Oh, shoot! [groans]

[stammers] I’m gonna call the kids.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[crowd cheering]

[Valkyrae] Check B Main right now.

Nice shot.

Here’s the last one.

[Valkyrae] He satcheled in.

Are you serious? What was that?


[Kyle] Whoo!

That was so sick!

[phone ringing]



Hey, the kids aren’t answering. You wanna… You wanna head back up?

Yeah. Let’s… Let’s do it. Okay.

Whoa, Jess. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.



They okay?

They’re good. [sighs]


[exhales sharply]

Look, I’m so sorry we cut the night short. I didn’t…

Who says we did, huh?

[breathes deeply]

Oof. Give me 30 seconds to freshen up, and then meet me in bed.


[sighs, breathes heavily]




[“I Like It” playing]

Love mist.

Uh, Jess!




[muffled scream]


[groaning, whimpering] Oh.

Oh, my God.

There he is.

[pants] Dan?

I’ve been looking for you.


[breathing heavily]

Dan. [breathing heavily]

Easy, Coogan.


You got me. You win.

[breathes heavily]

Just let her go.

She doesn’t know anything.

Well, I’d say she does now, Sean.


Yeah. So here’s how this is gonna go.

First, I’m gonna kill you.

And then I’m gonna kill her.

And then I’m gonna have my associate at HyperX kill your kids.

[breathing heavily, whimpering]

[Coogan] How’s that sound?

I can explain.

[breathing heavily, gasping]


Oh, that’s normal, honey. Everybody barfs their first time.

[breathing heavily]

Give me one second.

[Jess exhales sharply] What?

[sighs] Oh, my God. [breathes heavily]

Jess, wait. Where are you going?


[Dan sighs]

[Jess breathes heavily]

So, do you… do you want me to talk, or do you have things to say?

Do I have things to say?

Right. Sorry.

I have eyeball on me, Sean.

Fucking eyeball.

[breathes shakily]


Shut up. Shut up!

I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t even wanna look at you.

I just wanna find my kids, who don’t have their goddamn phones because you threw them away!

[crowd cheering]

Kyllboi, it’s just you and me.

Take this guy. Breach.

Watch out!

I have a rez.

[Kyle] Okay.

Oh, no.

[iiTzTimmy gamer] Oh!

Shit on!

Oh, my God.

It’s all on you, man.

To the left. Nice shot.

Nice. One more.



Let’s go!

[Kyle] Yes! Yes!

[announcer 2] We have a winner!

Team Valkyrae wins!

[Kyle] Yes!

[announcer 2] Doesn’t get much closer than that.

Kyllboi! Kyllboi! That’s right.

[crowd chanting] Kyllboi!

[announcer 2] Give it up!

[Dan] It’s Kyllboi.

Who’s Kyllboi?



Oh, shit. Kyle!


[Dan] Where’s your brother?

That’s a funny story. He’s literally right there.

No. Your other brother.

Okay, yeah. He’s fine.

He’s good. He’s with Ren.

[Jess, Dan] What?

[Nina] Excuse me.


See? See?

He’s fine. Max is great. Heya.


Okay. [mouthing words] Call me.


I… I… I know you guys are mad… [stammers]

Listen, that… that’s me they’re cheering for.

[Jess] What were you thinking?

[Nina] Well, Max is fine.

Okay, look. Guys, we don’t have time for this, okay?

We need to get out of this city.

[Nina blows raspberry] Overreact much?

Wait, wait. [stammers] Why do we have to leave?

Because. [sighs]

Jess, tell them, please.

This is all on you.

We have to leave because my former coworkers are trying to kill us.

What? From Planet Car Deals? [chuckles]

I’m not kidding around. Ask Max.


Before I met your mom, I was a covert assassin.

I escaped that life, and now they’ve found us.


Dad, you are, like, the biggest wimp on the planet.

[gun cocks]


Thank you. Move. Go! Now!



[Dan] Go, go.

[Jess groans]

Find an exit. Find an exit.

[Jess breathes heavily]

[Dan] Move, guys. Come on.

[Jess] Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.

[Kyle] Dad?

What the fuck?

I’m gonna draw her fire, okay?

When I do, take the kids that way. I’ll be right behind you, okay?

[Jess gasps, breathes heavily]

[people screaming]




Jess, she’s coming. Wait here.

[Jess] Okay. Okay.

[Dan] Wait right here.



[people screaming]



Uh, it’s okay, honey.

Everyone barfs the first time.

Come on, we gotta go. Come on. Let’s go.

Move, guys. Go.

[Dan] My real name is Sean.

My mother died when I was four.

My father was prone to violence.

When I turned 18, it was straight into the army.

I dunno. Maybe it was his genes coming out, but I thrived.

I was a Green Beret. I was a Delta.

And then I was approached by a man named McCaffrey.

Former SAS.

He took my training to a whole other level and recruited me into a special program.

It was a chance to do some real good.

What kind of special program?

We took out the worst of the worst.

Terrorists, warlords, kidnappers all over the world.

Ones the government couldn’t legally touch.

Took out, as in…

Well, how many?


You’ve killed 26 pe…

[shushes] No.

No. No, I w… I went on 26 operations.

Oh, God.

Thirty-nine people.

That’s more!

Are we including this trip?

Total dead people, Dan!

[Nina] Dad.


They were all bad.

You are such a hypocrite.

All bad people.

You took away the one thing I’m good at because there’s fake violence, and you’re a serial killer?

Dad, you were working for the good guys, right?

McCaffrey was a father figure.

I trusted him, but I was naive.

I mean, it started out legit.

But he got greedy and began farming us out as mercenaries to the highest bidder.


And as soon as I found out, I left. All right?

I fought my way out, but that meant turning against my friends, my mentor, against the only real family that I’d ever known.

So they’ve been hunting you ever since.


I am such an idiot.

This is why you’re so secretive, why you never wanna go anywhere.

[stammers] Why… Why you’re so weird about social media.

Why you’re s… you’re so anti-technology.

Well, with facial recognition software, I had no choice.

Plus, I really do think that social media is fundamentally disgusting and gross.

[sighs] God.

But now that they found us, what happens?

I got it figured out.

We’re good.

That’s yours.

And that’s yours. And that’s yours.

“Molly Anderson”?

At least you got a real name.

I’m Van.

[stammers] I’m a… I’m a vehicle.


Look, we can’t go back to Buffalo, all right?

Those lives are over. I’m sorry.

I finally have a life, and you’re ruining it.

Thanks, Dad.

[Dan] Kyle, come back.

Dad, no. You don’t get to tell us what to do anymore.


Come… [sighs]

Eighteen years of lies.

I’m still the man you married.

I was just something different before.

Something different?

You weren’t in a band or vegan, Dan.

That would be something different.

You were an assassin for hire.

I kept the truth from you to protect you, okay?

But our love was real.

Real? Are you serious?

What, was it so real that you couldn’t trust me with knowing how much danger we were in?

What did you think?

That I’d go blabbing about it on the… on the moms’ school text chain?

No. I…

Or were you afraid I’d leave you, knowing who you really are?

[chuckles] We were just some disguise for you, just some part of your cover as a suburban schlub?

What? No. No.

Fuck, you must have resented us. Right?

Every single day, eking out a living, wiping kids’ asses, driving a minivan.

I love that minivan.

I mean, all of a sudden you’re, like, what, James Bond, and now you’re what?


A normal guy with a normal, wonderful, perfect life.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I mean, you were a decathlete.

You should’ve medaled in Athens.

Do you resent your life as a mom?



[sighs, stammers]

I don’t wanna be that guy.

I wish I could believe you.

I really do.

But to be honest,

this trip is the happiest that I have seen you in years.

[chuckles] A trip in which you have killed four people.

[huffs] I mean, is this really you?

You’re a stranger named Sean.

“Archibald Anderson.”

Oh, damn it, Augie.

You know, first thing in the morning, I am taking the kids and I am leaving.

Jess, it’s not safe.

It’s not safe with you.

They’re after you, not us.

And from now on, I’m making the decisions about me and the kids.

[sighs] Jess.

[Jess] Yeah. Hi. Uh, thanks for picking up.

I know it’s late.

I was wondering if you could help with some travel for my family, please.

[siren wailing in distance]

[door opens]

Where are you going?

Far from here, far from you.


It’s none of your business.

What? Like hell it isn’t.

Hey, you cannot go to the airport, you know. They’re gonna be waiting there.

Well, we’re not. We’ve made other arrangements.

What other arrangements?

Sorry, Dan. Can’t say. It’s to protect you.

Jess… [stammers] Oh, really? Come on. Don’t…

Jess. Please. It’s not safe.

Then handle it. Make it safe.

And when you’re done with it, stay away from us.

Is this for us?

No, I don’t think so. Couldn’t be.



What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting all this.

I was on a layover nearby, and I thought, I’ll just come get you myself.

Okay. Uh…

[Gwen] Hi. You must be Molly and Van.

I’m Gwen. Hi, little one. Uh, there’s breakfast on board, if you’d like it.



[sighs] Thanks.

Jessica, what is wrong? Are you okay?


What happened? Where’s your husband?

We had a fight.

[Gwen] Oh, boy.

Hey, maybe you can help me with my guy problems then.

How about that?

I’d love to.

[clicks tongue] Remember that ex I told you about in Buffalo?


We were together for years.

It was good. I mean, it was really good.

[sucks teeth] You know when you just can’t get enough of each other physically?

I thought he was the one, and then he just threw it all away.

Married some other woman who was the complete opposite of me.

And the worst part… she’s insufferable.

Wait. You met her?

Oh, I had to.

He created this whole life with this woman,

and I needed to see what she had that I didn’t.

[stammers] What did you do?

I did what I do best. I got in close,

I won her trust, and then I just waited patiently for her to walk into my trap.

You know, I think, um, I left something in the taxi.

Hey, Molly?


You wanna bring your brother?

Let’s go. We’re leaving.


I told you to stay off this op.

And yet, who brought them to you in a big, fat bow?

You needed me.

I know Sean better than you ever will.

Do whatever you want with the family. I don’t care.

I just want Sean. He’s my payment for delivery.


[phone buzzes]

You couldn’t let it go, could you? [sighs]

You know me better than that.

Look, you can have me,

but I want your word that you won’t go after my family.

“Go after”?

You’re a little behind, buddy boy.

I swear to God, if you hurt them…

Come and get ’em.

Somewhere public.

I think you’re mistaking who holds the cards here.

Be at the old Poseidon Casino north of the city in 30 minutes… alone.

[sighs deeply]

[breathes heavily]

Come on out!

Hello, old friend.

He brought you in for this, huh, Spiros?

He brought everybody.

Follow me.

[drone whirring]

He’s alone.

Well, well. How sweet.

He could have been halfway around the world by now, and yet here he is, trading his life for the family that abandoned him.

So, am I ever getting back that five grand I lent you in Morocco?

I’ll tell you what.

If you’re still alive in ten minutes, I’ll pay you back with interest.

Oh, shame. It’s a beautiful place.

They’re demolishing it in ten days.

[elevator dings]

[Dan] All this for me, huh? I’m flattered.

How’s the family?

Which one?

We’re coming up.

There he is.

Are you okay?

No hug for your old man?

Why start now, Dad?

[stammers] I’m sorry, what?

I’m your grandfather, Kyle.

O-Oh my… Oh, my God. We’re… We’re British.

He didn’t tell ya?

No. He left that part out of his no-more-lies speech.

Well, I said he was a father figure.

Not quite the same, Dan.

This is good, right? He’s not gonna kill his own grandkids.

Look, do whatever you want with me. Let them go.

What is it you think I want, Sean?

Kill me.

In that spider’s nest of a heart, you actually think that I wronged you.

You were my son.

My legacy.

I poured everything I am into you. You threw it all away.

You abandoned me. You broke my heart.

So, yeah. I wanted you dead.

But then something happened over these past few days.

You wasted every single guy I sent at you. Every goddamn one.

You are every bit the killer I taught you to be.

No. It’s not who I am anymore.


Tell me you didn’t feel more alive the past three days than you have done in years.


[McCaffrey] And as you smoked each of my men, I felt something that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Pride in my son.

What? So, what is this?

Now you don’t wanna kill me? What the hell do you want?

I want you back.


Things were never as good after you left.

For any of us.

So, I want my son back, working by my side in the family business.

You’re… You’re not seriously considering this, are you, Dad?

Quiet, Kyle.

Everybody wins. You come back where you belong.

Be who you were born to be.

Jess and the kids go safely back to Buffalo.

It’s what they want anyway.

Sure beats the shit out of selling cars.

But no contact. Can’t have you going soft on me again.

I’m their father. There’s no way this is gonna happen.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Start with the wife.

[gun cocks]

Wait, no! I…

[McCaffrey] There’s no third option!

Either it all ends here and now,

or you give your family exactly what they want and then some!

I’ll do it.



Spiros, see the family to the airport with our blessing.

[Jess sighs]

[breathes heavily]


[breathes heavily]

Dad. [babbles]


Dad, please. [sobs]

I love you. I’ll always love you.

Look, we can’t just abandon Dad.

What am I supposed to do?

It’s my job to keep you safe.

I’m a mom.

Okay, then… then be the mom that lifts the car.


You know, the… the mom.

She… She has the baby, and she lifts the car.

Yeah. You know. Car mom.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. [sighs]

It’s an urban legend, Mrs. Morgan.

A baby is trapped under a car.

[elevator dings]

His mother gets a burst of adrenaline and lifts the car up with her bare hands.

Your children are suggesting you overpower me to rescue their father.

Yeah. Thank you. Exactly.

I would advise against it.

[stammers] Now. Duh.

Your father made his choice.

[sighs] I mean, do you think he wants this?

It’s Dad that we’re talking about.

The guy that… that took me to junior prom when Trevor didn’t show up.

The guy that… that wakes us up for school with shitty raps about Wednesdays.

That’s beautiful. My father never did that.

I’m sorry. Can you shut up, Spiros?

[elevator dings]


[Spiros] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop.

[clears throat, sighs] Children.

Mom, we’re not a family without Dad.

Dad needs to know that we don’t want this.

I… I… I know we said we did last night, but, Mom, I… I don’t.

[elevator dings]

If… If he still chooses to do it, then… then so be it.

But he needs to know.


I mean, he thinks that we don’t love him anymore, Mom.

We can’t just let things end like that.

[sniffing] Oh, Max.

I haven’t changed you.

We have to get this off of you before you get a rash.

You forgot the diaper bag.




Oh, my gosh.

[elevator dings]

Ooh, gosh. It’s a real messy one.


[Spiros groaning]

[Spiros screaming]

[grunts, gasps] Oh, crap.



Uh, maybe he’ll be all right.

Or not.

What do we do now?

We’re gonna go find your dad.

Give me a minute alone with him, would you?

I wanna be wheels up in ten minutes.

I thought if I ever saw you again, I’d kill you.

But since we’re here…

[moans] Better.

Oh, sure. Pretend I’m not here.

This isn’t gonna happen. I have a wife.

You had a wife.

Now you’re free.

[moans] Doesn’t it feel good to be back where you belong?

It’s been a long time, Gwen.


You think I forgot your little tricks?

You think I forgot this?




I knew you hadn’t changed.


You could never resist me.


[breathes heavily]



Vulcan neck pinch.

Kyusho Jitsu.


Whoa. Whoa! Hey. [chuckles] I’m just the tech guy. [chuckles]

I’m so sorry for this, you guys.

For the ass-grabbing part or the 18-years-of-deception thing?

Both. All of it.

Hey. Tie him up.

Yeah. You.

Come on.

I wanted to tell you about everything, but there was never a good time.

Never a good time?

When was I gonna tell you?

On our first date? Our second?

When you were pregnant with Nina or by our fourth?


Do the math, Nina.

Any of those times would have been a better time.

You should have told me the truth, and I could have made up my own mind.

You’re right. I’m sorry. I was stupid and selfish.

But I was in love with you.

I mean, you’ve been my whole world since the moment we met.

Being your husband and their father, that’s the real me.

That’s all that matters to me.

All right. I swear on my life, I’ll never keep anything from you again.


[phone line rings]


Where’s Spiros?

Thought they were with you.

Hey, bro.

Everyone I know is talking about what Kyllboi did at HyperX last night.


Yeah. [chuckles]

Kyle. Less talking, more tying, okay?



[chuckles] No way. A Sky Raven drone?


[tracker] Just, careful with it.

Hey, man. You got a great kid. Ow! Ow!

I need your comms.


[Dan] Hey, Kyle. Give me that.

You’re not anti-technology. You’re…

You’re awesome.

They’re coming.


Go up to the roof and find somewhere to hide with the kids, okay?

No, you’re not going down there.


It’s the only way to end this. This is the only way we go home.

We don’t have to go home. We can just go to Canada and be the Andersons.

Please, Dad.

It’s too late for that, Beans.

No. You’re not giving yourself up to them.

No. I’m getting us home.




[Dan] I got a plan.

Look, I need to be that guy one last time for us.


Dad. Th… There’s too many of ’em.

Well, I have something they don’t have.


That’s your comms. You’re my eyes and my ears, okay? I’m counting on you.

[sighs] Let’s go.

Move out, Kyllboi.

Hey, Kyle, you’re on the same channel as me.

I want every inch of this atrium covered.

[Jess breathes heavily]

[sniper] Movement on the elevator!

The elevator door. Now!

You see a shot, you take it, because, believe me, he will.

You got a shot?

[sniper] Negative. I don’t see him yet.

[elevator dings]

[“Wheels On The Bus” playing]

[assassin] He’s not here.


What do ya got?

Take cover! [screams]


[Kyle] Holy shit.

Hey. See anybody? [grunts]



[glass shattering]

He’s up there!



Talk to me, Kyle.

You’re my eyes.

You’re clear on your right. Go now.


[Kyle] Dad, man on your left.




[Kyle] Dad, are you okay? Man ahead.


Man on your six.


[Dan] Great job, Kyle.

[Kyle] I’m on it, Dad.

[Dan] Talk to me, Kyle.

They’ve got the drone.

[Kyle] Look out. Behind the curtain.


Come on, Dad. Get him.

[grunts, shouts]


[pants] Oh. You again.

They mopped your ass up off aisle three, huh?


Gonna need that mop again.



Gwen, where the hell are you?




What’s going on?

Kid’s got the drone.

Find him.

Call it off, Dad!

[stammers] Hold your fire!

Change your mind, Sean?

No. But here’s your chance to.

Call it off now.

You don’t have it in you to kill your own flesh and blood.

I, on the other hand, do have it in me.

Let him have it!


[elevator button chimes]

[elevator beeping]

Go, go, go, go. Underneath. Underneath. Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

[Nina] Wai… Wait. No.

Look after your brothers. Don’t make a sound.

Do not leave Max, whatever happens.

[breathes heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[elevator dings]


[empty gun chamber clicks]

[Gwen] Jessica.

Is that you? [chuckling]


Talk to me, Kyle. [pants]

[Kyle] Gwen’s… Gwen’s up here.

I know the sound of an empty gun when I hear one, sweetie.

So why don’t we make this real easy, shall we?

[breathes shakily]

Unless you think you can take me.

I th… I think… I think Mom’s gonna f-fight her.

[grunting, gasps]



[grunts, panting]

[laughs] You think you can beat me because you took some kickboxing classes at the Y and wear Lululemon?

Ooh, no.

[grunting, panting]


[grunts] Ooh.

Learn that in class?

[panting] Yeah.

You know I do this for a living, right?

While you were popping out brats and clipping coupons, I was assassinating dictators.

So, why don’t you go back to the PTA?

‘Cause you’re a joke.

[panting, grunts]

[Dan] Kyle, what do you see?

All right, there’s nine guys left. Four to your right, five ahead of you.

[both grunting]


Whoa. [chuckles]

[Dan] I’m out of ammo, Kyle.

Find cover, Dad. A man coming. Get over the low wall. Now.


[sighs] Kyle, could have mentioned that table, buddy.

[Kyle] Sorry.

[grunting, panting]

[whimpers, panting]


Take out the one on the left now.

[grunting, panting]

Dad, hold on. We gotta move.

[Jess grunting]



[Dan] Kyle. That guy below, chase him through the foyer.

Okay, I’m going. I’m chasing him.

[Dan] Keep him coming.

He’s coming right at me.

[both grunt]

[grunting, panting]

Take Max. I gotta go help Mom.

[Dan] Talk to me, Kyle.

[Kyle] Two left, including granddad.

Man on your right!

[grunting, panting]

[McCaffrey] Wouldn’t go that way if I were you, Sean.

Dad, Mom’s hurt. We’re… We’re in big trouble.

[blows raspberry]

Ah. Little brats.



I was wrong about you, Sean.

You’re no use to me.

Family have made you weak.

You can’t even focus on the fight you’re in because of them.

[Dan grunting]


Hi. Going somewhere?

Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s great.


You know, that move you pulled back there, little one?

That was a very bad idea.

Look. For what it’s worth, killing minors is the least favorite part of my job.

Now, who’s first?

We’re not done!


Mom. No, Mom!



[empty gun chamber clicks]

[pants] Bang.



[Max] Mama.

Oh, come on.

Just die.


[Max] Mama.



Oh, look at this.

Oh. [chuckles] You can’t be serious.




[inhales sharply]



[grunting, strains]

Not quite the decathlete we once were, huh?

[Jess gasping]

Sorry, kids. It’s nothing personal.

[Jess coughs]

Maybe a little.

[Jess panting]

Oh. Here we go again.

[chuckles] She’s like The Little Engine That Could.

[sucks teeth, grunts]




[exhaling heavily]

There’s nine other events, bitch.

[chuckling, panting]

[Kyle] Oh, my God. Mom.


[both grunting]

[Dan grunts]

[breathes heavily]

Far as I’m concerned, this is an act of mercy.

I’m saving you 20 more years of selling used cars.

Certified pre-owned.


Goodbye, Sean.


[Nina] Grandpa! Wait! [pants]

[breathes heavily]

I know you think that we probably hate you for everything that’s happened these past few days, and… and maybe we should.

But I’ve learned that family is the most important thing in the entire world.

And when I… when I look at you, I don’t just see a cold-blooded killer.

I see my grandpa.


And maybe… maybe there’s a way for us to move forward… as a family.

Kid, if you think this little speech is gonna win me over…

[sighs] Honestly… I was just hoping it would buy him enough time to do this.




[Jess] Oh, baby. Baby. [breathes heavily]

[Nina] Dad.


[pants] Thank you.



[coos, giggles]


[sirens wailing]

[newscaster] Good afternoon, and welcome to the news at noon.

While details are continuing to emerge about a covert paramilitary group…


Responsible for high-profile assassinations reportedly spanning decades, this bombshell story was broken by a high school newspaper reporter, Nina Morgan.


[gun clicks]

And you’re dead.

That’s bullshit. You said there’d be two hostiles.

I lied. But, Sam, that was better. Take him down harder.

I didn’t wanna hurt the guy.

[Dan] No, he’ll be fine. He’s small, but he’s very strong.

Hey, excuse me. Why don’t you get thrown against a truck 20 times?

Because my name’s on the letterhead.

Et voilà!

Hey, guys. I have a family commitment.

Augie, you take it from here, okay?

Let’s pick up the pace!

I’m gonna be gone for the next few days!

I want you to remember me!

[whistle blows]

[Jess sighs]

Hey, it’s time to go.

Okay, people. I’m out.

[Max giggles]

[Dan] Guys, come on.

We gotta beat the traffic!

[Nina] Oh, come on.

[Max giggles]

[Nina] No, I cannot show up to school in this monstrosity.

How could you do this to me?

[Dan] Oh, don’t blame me.

Levon applied all the discounts and all the points. Didn’t you hear?

We are platinum elite superior diamond members.

Okay. I got the snacks. I got the maps.

Huh? [chuckles]

Let’s do this.



Hey, phones, please.

[Kyle groans] For real?

Oh. Whoa.

Yeah. Catch it. Catch it.

There you go.

Thank you.

If you throw this away, I will kill you.

God, gross.

Oh, gross.

You gonna be doing that all the way to California?

Yes. All the way.

Yeah. Absolutely.

[Nina] Come on.

[Dan] Yeah.

[Kyle] I’m going. Here, scooch, scooch.

And I will take those.

[Jess] Beep, beep.

[Dan] Here we go.

[horn honks]

One, two, three!

Road trip!


[Dan] Oh, whoa!

Oh, my God. Guys, I almost forgot.


What? [chuckles] Yeah?

Say goodbye to these.


[Kyle] Why?

Oh, my God.

That’s not funny.

♪ In a minute, I’ma need a sentimental Man or woman to pump me up ♪

[Jess] Whoo!

♪ Feelin’ fussy Walkin’ in my Balenci-ussies ♪

♪ Tryna bring out the fabulous ♪

♪ ‘Cause I give a fuck way too much I’ma need like two shots in my cup ♪

♪ Wanna get up, wanna get down Ooh, that’s how I feel right now ♪

♪ Oh, I been so down and under pressure ♪

♪ I’m way too fine to feel this stressed Yeah ♪

[vocalizes, chuckles]

[Kyle stammers]

♪ Or used to be ♪

♪ Be ♪

Who is this? Janet Jackson?


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